Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Rick Potion #9 - full transcript

PRINCIPAL:
Principal Vagina here...

Don't let the name fool you.
I'm very much in charge...

reminding you that tonight is
our annual Flu Season Dance.

I don't know how many times
I have to say this,

but if you have the flu,
stay home.

Hey.

The Flu Season Dance is about
awareness, not celebration.

[ sighs ]

You don't bring dead babies
to Passover.

Okay. Here we go.
H-Hey, Jessica. Uh...

What's up, Morty?
[ sneezes ]



What are you doing?

- Um...
- Wait, wait.

Were you about to talk...
to her?

Well... I mean, I was
thinking about it.

Dude, stay in your league.

Look at how hot she is.
You don't see me going...

to a bigger school
in a wealthier district

and hitting on their
prettiest girl.

Gee, thanks, Brad.

I throw balls far.

You want good words?

Date a languager.

JERRY:
Try not to worry about it, Morty.

You're a good kid,
and there's not a premium



on that right now,
but you'll be getting girls

sometime after Brad's
out of shape.

[ sighing ]
You're missing the point, Dad.

I don't want girls.
I want Jessica.

Ah, well, I remember
feeling that way

about a young lady named
"your mom,"

and that's not an urban diss.

Your mom was my Jessica.

I remember the first time
I saw her.

I thought...
- "I should get her pregnant,

and then she'll have
to marry me."

I beg your pardon, Rick...
inappropriate.

Sorry, please proceed
with your story

about banging my daughter
in high school.

I'm not sure you wanna take
romantic advice from this guy, Morty.

His marriage is hanging
from a thread.

My marriage is fine, thank you.

Jerry, it's your house...
whatever you say it is

is how it is... but I think
a blind man could see

that Beth is looking
for the door.

I barely have a reason to care,
and even I noticed.

Come on, Rick! Don't talk
about my parents like that.

Listen, Morty, I hate
to break it to you,

but what people call "love"

is just a chemical reaction that
compels animals to breed.

It hits hard, Morty,
then it slowly fades,

leaving you stranded
in a failing marriage.

I did it.
Your parents are gonna do it.

Break the cycle, Morty.

Rise above. Focus on science.

[ slurps ]

All right, well, I'm gonna go
get dressed for the dance.

Yeah, I'm just going to...
check on your mom.

[ dog barking ]

Morty, hand me
that screwdriver, huh?

I'm almost finished making
my ionic defibulizer, Morty.

It's gonna be great.
- Hey, listen, Rick.

Y-Y-You know how you said
that, you know,

love is a chemical
and all that stuff from earlier?

Well, I was thinking, you know,

w-w... could you make some sort
of chemical thing happen

inside of Jessica's mind,
you know,

so where she falls in love
with me

and all that sort of thing?

You know, like, some sort
of love potion or something?

Morty, that's such
a poor use of my time.

It's beneath me.
Hand me the screwdriver.

You know what?
No, Rick!

I'm not gonna hand you
the screwdriver.

I-I'm not gonna hand you
anything ever again, Rick!

I'm always helping you with this
and that and the other thing.

W-W-W-W-W-What about me,
Rick?

W-W-W-W-Why can't you just
help me out once...

once... for once?

[ groans ]
You're growing up fast, Morty.

You're growing into a real big
thorn straight up into my ass.

Listen, this is called oxytocin.

I extracted it from a vole.

Do you know what a vole is,
Morty?

You know what a vole is?
It's a... it's a rodent

that mates for life, Morty.

This is the chemical released
in a mammal's brain, you know,

that makes it fall in love.

I just gotta... [burps]
combine it with your DNA.

Oh, well, okay.

A hair, Morty.
I need one of your hairs.

This isn't
"Game of Thrones."

Ow!

All right, Morty, whoever
you smear this stuff on

will fall in love with you,
and only you, forever.

Are you happy now, Morty?
- Heck, yeah!

Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

Hey, there's no...
dangers or anything,

or side effects, right?

W-W-W-What am I,
a hack?

Go nuts, Morty.
It's foolproof.

Eh, unless she has the flu.

Beth, do y-you still
love me?

Ugh, what kind
of question is that?

The "yes or no" kind?
[ laughs nervously ]

Jerry, do you want
homeless people to have homes?

Yes.

Are you gonna build them?

No.

Then what good was the "yes"?

Wait, i-is loving me the house
or the homeless people?

Loving you is work,
Jerry... hard work,

like building
a homeless shelter...

nobody wants to say
no to doing it,

but some people put the work in.

So, what do you say?
Do you see me working here?

Does this conversation seem
tedious to me?

Sort of.

Then I obviously
sort of love you, don't I?

[ cellphone chimes ]

So stop asking, and maybe
I'll love you more.

Crap, they need me
at the horse hospital.

Puh! This late?

The racetrack
had a starlight derby.

There was a seven-horse
collision,

and Davin's there alone.

[ thinking ]
Davin. Davin.

Davin! Davin.

Davin!
Davin!

Davin! Davin!

[ rapping ]
♪ Flu, yo. You gotta be aware ♪

♪ Aware of all the flu
up in the air ♪

♪ I'm-a get me a shot,
make the flu go away ♪

♪ Flu-hating rapper,
just rapping away ♪

♪ Yo, yo,
flu-hating rapper ♪

♪ It's a flu-hating rap ♪

Hey, there, Jessica.
Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

Oh, my god.
Morty.

You look really nice tonight.

- Wow, thanks.
- I love you, Morty!

I love you so much it burns!

Oh, man!
I-I love you too, Jessica!

[ spits ]

ls this punk bothering you,
Jessica?

Leave him alone, jerk!
I'm in love with him!

He is more man
than you will ever be!

[ sneezes ]

[ rapping ]
♪ This is about flu awareness ♪

♪ Gotta be aware of the flu
in the air-ness ♪

♪ Yo, I'm a flu-hating
rapper ♪

Oh, man, Morty.
[ sighs ]

I'm really sorry.

Oh, well,
n-no problem, Brad.

There's something special
about you, Morty...

so special.

Whoa, take it easy!
Get your hands off of him!

Back off!
I'm trying to be with my man!

That's enough, Bradley!

We don't want you injuring
your ball-throwing arm.

Oh, come on,
Principal Vagina. I just...

Never leave me, Morty.
Never!

Uh, sure.
I mean, o-of course not.

W-What do you think that
was all about?

Who cares? Just hold me.

Let me go!
I love you, Morty!

[ sneezes ]

Let go of me!

[ sneezes ] Morty!

JERRY: She's gonna be alone
with that guy all night.

Yeah, Dad, digging
around the insides of horses.

It's not a very romantic setting.

RICK: Well, Summer,
there's always the possibility

that she made the whole
work thing up.

Maybe Davin's digging around
in her insides.

Grandpa, so gross!
You're talking about my mom.

Well, she's my daughter, Summer.

I outrank you.

Or family means nothing, in
which case don't play that card.

She's not responding
to my texts!

Careful, Dad.
Jealousy turns women off.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Not for the men
they cheat on, no.

Okay, I'm...
going to go out...

for some ice cream.

And maybe
stop by the hospital...

to support my wife...

with my confidence.
[ door closes ]

God, Grandpa,
you're such a dick.

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion
means very little to me.

How come you're not at this
stupid dance everyone loves?

Screw that.
I don't wanna get sick.

It's flu season.
- It is?

- Yeah.
- Uh-oh.

[ hip-hop music plays ]

Please just let this work out.

[ moans ]
Do it, Morty. Do it.

Rip my clothes off
and mate with me for life!

[ growls ]

Um... can we maybe go
somewhere more private?

Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

[ grunts ]

You don't deserve to carry
Morty's genes.

[ rapping ] ♪ I love Morty ♪

♪ and I hope Morty loves me ♪

♪ I'd like to wrap my arms
around him ♪

♪ and feel him inside me ♪

Oh, crap.

[ indistinct shouting ]

JESSICA:
Morty!

Morty, come on!
We gotta get you out of here.

You won't believe this 'cause
it usually never happens,

but I made a mistake.

[ both panting ]

Come on, Morty.
We got to get out of here.

Come on.
- Morty!

- MORTY: [ wails ]
- VAGINA: Are you okay?

- I'm fine!
- Oh, good.

If anything ever happened to
you, I would kill myself.

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

[ all panting ]

[ indistinct shouting ]

Morty, the principal and I
have discussed it,

a-a-and we're both insecure
enough to agree to a three-way!

I didn't realize
when I gave you that serum

that Jessica had the flu...
you know,

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been
valuable information for me!

What the hell is going on, Rick?

What does it look like?

T-T-T-The serum is
piggybacking on the virus.

It's gone airborne, Morty.

Oh, crap.
What are we gonna do, Rick?

It's gonna be fine,
Morty, relax.

I whipped up an antidote.

It's based on praying-mantis
DNA.

You know, praying mantises
are the exact opposite of voles.

I mean, they...
they mate once,

and then they, you know,
decapitate the partner.

I mean, it's a whole ritual.

It's really gruesome
and totally opposite.

There's no love at all.

I-I-I basically mixed this with
a more contagious flu virus.

It should neutralize
the whole thing, Morty.

It'll all be over very shortly.

[ indistinct shouting ]

Uh, by the way, Morty, I know
you didn't ask or anything,

but I'm not interested
in having sex with you.

These serums, they don't
work on anybody

related to you genetically.

Morty!

[ all groaning ]

Okay, well, sometimes,

science is more art
than science, Morty.

A lot of people don't get that.

[ gasps ]

[ tires screech ]

Come on.
Are you kidding me?

Hello!
- Morty!

You're not Morty!
Bring us Morty!

[ gun cocks ]
Nobody's killing me...

until after I catch my wife
with another man.

WOMAN ON TV:
I had sex with Billy.

WOMAN ♪2:
But you were already pregnant!

Yeah, so what's the worst
that could happen?

We interrupt "Pregnant Baby"
with breaking news.

[ groans ] Come on.

This just in... Morty Smith's
whereabouts are still unknown.

What the hell?

The only thing that is known
is... how cute he is.

I love him so much, I want
to make love to him

and then eat his head.

I love him more than you do,
Harold!

You wish, you stupid bitch!

- Morty's mine!
- Morty's mine!

Meant to be together!

[ speaking Arabic] Morty!

[ speaking Arabic]

[ banging on door ]

Where is Morty?

[ screams ]

[ conversing in foreign language ]

Oh, my god, Rick.
The whole world is infected!

Yeah, it's pretty wild
how fast that spread.

I've really outdone myself.
- Outdone yourself?!

W-W... a-are... are you
kidding me, Rick?

This is not okay!

Not only do they all want
to have sex with me,

but, you know, now they want
to eat me afterwards!

Yeah, I don't know what
I was thinking.

Mantises are
the opposite of voles?

I mean, obviously, DNA's more
complicated than that.

You know what, though, Morty?

This right here's gonna do
the trick, baby.

It's koala mixed
with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,

cactus, shark, golden retriever,

and just a smidge of dinosaur.

Should add up
to normal humanity.

I don't... that doesn't make
any sense, Rick.

How does that add up
to normal humanity?

What, Morty, you want me
to show you my math?

I'm sorry... a-are you
the scientist

or are you the kid
that wanted to get laid?

[ exhales deeply ]

Well, I'm glad we saved
all those horses,

but I'm almost sorry
we're finished.

Yes, it's satisfying work.

Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh...
it's more than the work.

I love being
in that sterilized room,

sealed off from the world.

It's the only time I can
really think... and feel.

[ slow music plays ]

Hmm, uh, what are you doing?

I'm playing African dream pop.

What do you do
after a long night?

[ click ]

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b...
I'd better get going.

Um, Jerry's been texting some
pretty high-maintenance stuff.

- Beth...
- What is it, Davin?

Just once, I'd like to know...

[ sneezes ]

w-w-what it was like
to give your son a bath.

What?!

What does Morty's skin
smell like?

How soft...
[ grunts ]

How soft are his privates?

Let go of me, Davin!

[ glass shatters ]

[ roars ]

Take me to Morty.

[ grunts ]

You're not Morty.

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar,

and this is my friend,

who is also a crowbar.

That's... stupid.

[ grunting ]

Yeah?

Well, look where being
smart got you.

Jerry! Thank God!

God?

God's turning people
into insect monsters, Beth.

I'm the one beating them
to death.

Thank me.
- Thank you, Jerry.

Thank you.

Take a good look down there,
Morty, and soak it in,

because, you know,
once I pull this lever,

it's all back to normal.

Just do it already.

Well, technically,
Morty, there's no rush.

I mean, you know,
o-once it's fixed, it's done.

It's fixed.
You know, we could...

we could just enjoy it
for a little bit.

I mean, I-I-I-look
at how crazy it is.

I mean, Morty,
w-w-when's the next time

you're gonna see
something like this?

I mean, soak it in, you know?

It's... it's pretty neat.
It's pretty interesting.

That's it, Rick!
I'm pulling the lever.

[ grunts ]

W-What do we have here,
Morty?

Looks like I was right
and you were wrong, huh?

I-I-I-l-I bet you feel pretty
stupid right about now, huh?

I-I-I bet you feel like
the world's smallest man

that you were doubting me about
this whole thing, Morty.

Oh, Rick, something's not right.

[ sighs ] Yeah, you.

You're not right... ever.

No, no!
Look, you idiot!

[ all screaming ]

[ all speaking foreign language]

[ all groaning ]

[ all speaking foreign language ]

Bet you're loving this, Morty.

This must be the best day
of your life.

You get to be the mayor
of l-Told-You Town.

[ slurps ] You're welcome.

[ slurps ]

- Hold on.
- [ whimpers ]

[ engine revs, tires squeal ]

[ gun cocks ]

I wish that shotgun
was my penis.

If it were, you could
call me Ernest Hemingway.

I don't get it,
and I don't need to.

[ both moaning ]

SUMMER:
Mom! Dad!

BOTH:
Summer!

[ sighs ]

Where's Morty?

I don't know.

Do you think Grandpa Rick had
something to do with this?

It's not fair to
assume that, Summer.

Oh, not fair?
Give me a break.

He is a selfish,
irresponsible ass,

and he left my mother.

A real man stands by his woman.

[ both moaning ]

♪ Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo.
Tchoo-tchoo ♪

Boy, I really Cronenberged
the world up, didn't I?

We got a whole planet of
Cronenbergs

walking around
down there, Morty.

A-At least they're not in love
with you anymore, though.

That's a huge step
in the right direction.

Oh, my God!
It's a living nightmare!

How could you be
so irresponsible, Rick?

Me irresponsible?! You...
all I wanted you to do

was hand me
a screwdriver, Morty!

You're the one who wanted to
be... wanted me to buckle down

and make you up a...
roofie-juice serum

so you could roofie that
poor girl at your school.

I mean, g... w-w-w-w-w... w...
are you kidding me, Morty?

You're gonna try to take
the high road on this one?

Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little
creep, Morty.

Y-You're a... you're...
you're...

you're just a little creepy...
creep person.

All right, fine. I should have
just listened to you

when you refused to make
the serum.

I'm willing to accept my part of
the blame for this, Rick.

But I'll tell you something...
you know what?

You gotta accept your part
of the blame!

I'm not the one
who fouled up the serum!

I'm not the one who...
who... who...

who haphazardly, you know,

mixed a bunch of nonsense
together

and created a bunch of
Cronenbergs!

You gotta fix this, Rick!
- All right, all right, Morty.

You know, w-w-w-we are
in a pretty deep hole, here,

but I do have one emergency
solution that I can use

that'll kind of put
everything back to normal,

relatively speaking.

Here, Morty, put this on
while I do

a little bit of scouting.

[ birds chirping ]

MORTY:
Wow, Rick, I gotta say...

you really pulled a rabbit out
of your hat this time.

I mean, l-I really thought
that the whole place

was gonna be messed up for good,

but here, you did it...
y-y-you... you...

you figured out that crazy
solution,

like you always do.

Whoo!
That's some great luck.

Come on, Morty. Luck had
nothing to do with it.

I'm great.
That's the real reason.

Now, Morty, what do you
say, buddy?

Will you hand me a screwdriver

so I can finish my ionic
dis... defibulizer?

Sure thing, Rick.
Here's a screwdriver.

All right, Morty.
Thank you very much.

We got one screw turn...
and two screw turns...

and...

All right, Morty, here we are.

Oh, my god, Rick!
Is that us?!

W-W-W-We're dead!
What is going on, Rick?

I'm freaking out!

Calm down, Morty!
Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

No, I can't deal with this!

Calm yourself, Morty.

I can't deal with this, Rick!

- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!

- You gotta calm down, Morty.
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!

Shut up and listen to me!

It's fine.
Everything is fine.

There's an infinite number
of realities, Morty,

and in a few dozen of those,

I got lucky and turned
everything back to normal.

I just had to find one
of those realities

in which we also happen to both
die around this time.

Now we can just slip
into the place

of our dead selves
in this reality

and everything will be fine.

We're not skipping a beat,
Morty.

Now, help me with these bodies.

This is insane.

Look, Morty, I'll grab myself,
you grab yourself, okay?

I mean, t-t-t-that seems
fair to me...

I mean, that seems like
a fair way to divvy it up.

Rick, what about
the reality we left behind?

What about the reality where
Hitler cured cancer, Morty?

The answer is don't
think about it.

It's not like we can do this
every week, anyways.

We get three or four more
of these, tops.

Now, pick up your dead self
and come on.

Haste makes waste.

I-I-I don't suppose you've
considered this detail,

but obviously, if I hadn't
screwed up as much as I did,

we'd be these guys right now,
so, again, you're welcome.

♪ Look on down from the bridge ♪

♪ There's still fountains
down there ♪

♪ Look on down from the bridge ♪

♪ It's still raining up here ♪

♪ Everybody seems so far away
from me ♪

♪ Everybody just wants
to be free ♪

♪ Look away from the sky ♪

♪ It's no different
when you're leaving home ♪

♪ I can't be the same thing
to you now ♪

♪ I'm just gone ♪

♪ Just gone ♪

♪ How could I say goodbye? ♪

You know, the thing
about a shark...

he's got lifeless eyes...

black eyes, like a doll's eyes.

When he comes at ya,

he doesn't seem to be living
until he bites ya,

and then the... the blood,
and the red, and the water...

[ sighs ]

You ever wonder what happened
to Rick and Morty?

Sometimes.
But, I'm ashamed to admit,

now that they're gone,
I'm finally happy.

Here we are, Cronenberg Morty...

a reality where
everyone in the world

got genetically Cronenberged.

We'll fit right in,
Cronenberg Morty.

It'll be like we never even
left Cronenberg world.

Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,

but, you know, I'm gonna miss
Cronenberg world,

because everyone
was Cronenberged all along

like us from the beginning,
you know?

I mean, l-I wish we hadn't
genetically ruined

Cronenberg World
beyond repair like we did,

you know, and turned everyone
into regular, normal people

just walking around.

Don't you worry about
that sort of thing,

Cronenberg Morty.

Let's go make ourselves
at home, huh?

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!