Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Something Ricked This Way Comes - full transcript

[ popping ]

- [ sighs ]
- Hey, Rick.

I have to make a project for
the science fair this weekend.

You think you could help me out?

- Whatever.
- Well, I mean, traditionally...

science fairs are
a father-son thing.

Well, scientifically,
traditions are an idiot thing.

Morty, I think it would
be fun for you

to work on a science project
with your Dad.

[ cellphone beeps ]

Uh...
[ clears throat ]



Yeah, Dad.
Why don't we do it together?

Yes! You backed the right horse
on this one, son.

We'll get out the crayons,
brew some coffee,

and knock this thing out
in two or three days.

[ robot whirs ]

[ monotone ] What is my purpose?

Pass the butter.

Thank you.

[ popping ]

[ sighs ]

Dad, I need a ride to work.

Maybe Rick can give you a ride.

I'm helping Morty with science.

- I'm busy.
- Doing what?



Uh, anything else.

What is my purpose?

You pass butter.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Since when do you have a job?

Since last week.

It's part-time at this
little vintage thrift store.

My boss is this really
smart, eccentric old man

that treats me nice
and values me.

Meow.
Can't wait to meet...

this [burps]
fascinating character.

Please don't.

Oh. Well, when did this
stop being Jamba Juice?

I've just recently opened
for business,

Mister, um, Goldenfold.

You know my name?

[ chuckling ] That's disarming.

I also know you long
for female company.

You know, it has been
lonely since the divorce.

Some voids can't be filled
with Jamba Juice.

This aftershave makes a
man quite irresistible to women.

Free of charge.

One never pays here...
not with money.

Nothing to read into
there. Thanks!

Sorry I'm late,
Mr. Needful.

This is my grandpa, Rick.
He was just leaving.

Huh.

Tell me, Rick,
what do you desire?

Eh, I make my own stuff.

So, what are you...
like, the devil?

- What? Sorry?
- I don't know.

Store comes out of nowhere,
all the shit's old and creepy.

Are you the devil?
A demon? Leprechaun?

- Grandpa Rick!
- Hey, I'm not judging.

Just like shoot straight.
I'm a man of science.

Ah, then perhaps you could
make use of this.

This microscope reveals things
beyond comprehension.

[ laughs ]

[ Rick laughs ]

[ laughs louder ]

[ Rick laughs louder ]

[ laughs louder ]

[ Rick laughs louder ]

[ laughs louder ]

Grandpa, go home and drink.

[ swoop! ]

Why don't we do a model
of the solar system?

That's what my Dad did with me
when I was your age.

Oh, okay.

You know, Rick's in his lab,
making cyborgs

and wormholes
and all that weird stuff,

but this is real science.

A man and his boy,
making planets.

Hey, how about we use
a ping-pong ball for Pluto?

And then Jupiter...

Uh, actually, I don't
think Pluto's a planet.

[ chuckles ]

Of course Pluto's a planet, son.

I learned that
in the third grade.

Well, yeah, but you
know they changed it.

Morty, nobody changed
the planets.

I just googled it.
Pluto's not a planet.

They changed it in 2006.

Yeah, I heard about that, Morty.

And I disagree.
- You disagree?

That's right. It's possible
to disagree in science, Morty.

Pluto was a planet.

Some committee of
fancy assholes disagree.

I disagree back.
Give me a ping-pong ball.

Um, okay.
I-I just have to...

Go find Rick and go
over my head about Pluto?

No. Geez!

I just gotta go
to the bathroom. Damn.

Oh. [ coughs ]
Okay, good.

[ laughing ]
This is gonna be fun.

[ electricity crackling ]

Hey, Morty, let me [burps]...
let me [burps]...

let me ask you a question
real quick.

Does evil exist, and if so,

can one detect and measure it?

- Um...
- Rhetorical question, Morty.

The answer's "yes, you just
have to be a genius."

Cute. Your sister's boss
gave me a microscope

that would have
made me retarded.

Ooh.
Oh, boy, Rick.

I'm don't think you're allowed
to say that word, you know?

Morty, I'm not disparaging
the differently abled.

I'm stating the fact that
if I had used this microscope,

it would have made me
mentally retarded.

Okay, yeah, but I don't think
it's about logic, Rick.

I think the word has just
become a symbolic issue for

powerful groups that are
doing the right thing.

Well, that's retarded.

- What are you talking about?
- Apparently, nothing.

You asked him if
Pluto's a planet, didn't you?

- No!
- It's not.

- Shut up, Rick.
- Whoa.

I don't care what anyone says.

If it can be a planet,
it can be a planet again.

Planet.
Planet, planet, planet.

Stay scientific, Jerry.

This aftershave made women
want me,

but it also made me impotent!

A price for everything,
Mr. Goldenfold.

A price for everything.

[ laughs evilly ]

[ gasps ] Oh, my god!

How could I not
see this coming?!

[ sobbing ] My lust!

My greed!

I deserved this!

This serum should [burps]
counteract the negative effects.

Holy cats!
Ladies, let's get out of here.

[ door opens ]
I haven't learned a thing!

Here. [burps]

You can have this [burps] back.

You didn't use it?

Sure I did...
to develop this.

It detects and catalogs
all your "Twilight Zone,"

Ray Bradbury,
"Friday the 13th" The Series

voodoo crap magic.

I thought you might
want it so you didn't

accidentally
sell anybody, say...

A typewriter that generates
best-selling murder mysteries

and then makes the murders
happen in real life?

Ooh.
- Be quiet.

Don't you want to make sure

people know what they're
getting?

You're not intentionally
selling...

Beauty cream that makes
ugly ladies pretty

but also makes them blind?

I find this all quite
preposterous.

Oh, I say, good sir.
Oh, harrumph.

Oh, oh [babbles]!

That's beautiful.

You know it's gonna be wearing
you in three hours?

[ door opens ]
Do I need to call the police?

Here, you can use my phone.

Don't worry, it won't
make you deaf

because I'm not a hack.

Hey!

[ both grunting ]

You think you're fucking
so great!

Stop it! No!

Fuck yeah, man.

Stop it right now!

Grandpa Rick,
I like working here.

- You work for the devil.
- So what?

- BOTH: "So what?"
- Yes!

So what if he's the devil, Rick?

At least the devil has a job.

At least he's active
in the community.

What do you do?

You eat our food
and make gadgets.

Buh-bye.

Wh[burps]Oops.

[ giggles ]

I'm sorry, Mr. Needful.
I'll clean that up.

I don't know what I can do
about the ghost lady

that came out of it, but...
- It's fine.

Summer, you know,
your grandfather's right.

This store curses people.
That's my business.

Well, yeah.
Fast-food gives people diabetes,

and clothing stores have
sweatshops.

Is there a company hiring
teenagers that isn't evil?

This is my first job.

You've been nice to me,
Mr. Needful.

You respect me.

Please, call me "The Devil."

I'd rather not, actually.

Yes, perhaps not during
business hours.

I told you, I want to
file a declaration

that Pluto is a planet.

Well, then my son's going to
fail his science class,

and when that happens,
I'm suing you first.

[ clicks ]

I think I know what the "A"
in N.A.S.A. stands for.

- Dad, what's your endgame?
- Ain't no game, sucka.

Why don't we just make the solar
system with eight planets?

It's even easier.

Sure, sure, and why don't we
just burn Galileo at the stake

for saying the sun is round?

Science isn't always easy,
Morty.

[ humming ]

Whoa! Whoa!

What the hell?!

[ both groaning ]

[ ting! ]

[ hisses, buzzes ]

[ fanfare plays ]

I'm King Flippy Nips,
ruler of Pluto.

We discovered you quite
by accident

during routine surveillance
of your world.

You really gave it to those
guys at N.A.S.A.

I was... you know,

sometimes science is
about conviction.

It'd like to introduce you
to a few people

that very much agree with you.

Oh, I...

[ echoing ] Plutonians.

Jerry Smith is a scientist
from Earth,

where he's creating a model
of our solar system.

Jerry, tell Pluto
about your decision.

[ clears throat ]

[ echoing ]
Um... Pluto's a planet.

[ cheers and applause ]

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Oh, man. This is definitely
gonna go to his head.

If it's athletic prowess
you desire, Principal Vagina,

I might...
- I'll take it.

B-But I haven't even...

Thank you very, very much.

Great store.
Great place. Bye.

Huh. Okay.

I must say, Summer, I thought
your grandfather's outburst

would have disrupted business,

but this is the best weekend
I've had since Salem.

Nice. "Wholesome Delight"
for lunch?

- Is that the vegan place?
- Yeah, I love their soup.

I'm kind of soup-ed out.

[ door opens ]
Mrs. Tate, is it?

What do you desire?

Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.

Oh, is there a limit?
Everything's free, right?

Let's just say you
don't pay... with money.

[ both chuckle ]
That was perfect.

You pay with the curses, right?

Um... I... well...

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you
want cursed items?

Well, I'm going to get
the curses removed

at "Curse Purge Plus."

You know, the guy on TV?

[ door closes ] What?

Have you acquired
creepy specific old stuff

from a mysterious antique
or thrift store

that gives you powers
but fucks with you

in unforeseeable ways?

Bring it
to "Curse Purge Plus."

[burps] I use science to
UN-curse the items for cash,

and you get to keep the powers.

This guy got mysterious sneakers

to make him run faster,
but guess what?

He would have had to run
until he died,

making them worthless.

I removed the curse,
making them worth,

like, I don't know, $8 million.

See you at the Olympics.

This eerily intelligent doll

was threatening to murder
its family.

Now it does their taxes.

Everything's deductible.

Don't pay for cool stuff
with your soul.

Pay for it with money.

You know, like how every other
store in the world works?

We're located at First and Main
in Old Town.

Come on... come on down.

"First and..."

[ babbles ]

That's right across the street
from "Needful Things,"

where you can get evil items
for free!

Diabolic son of a motherf...

We're back on
"Good Morning, Pluto."

And a very good morning it is

for our guest,
Earth scientist Jerry Smith,

who's making headlines
with his bold announcement

that is what, Jerry?

Pluto is a planet.

[ chuckling ]
Well, how about that.

I love it.
[ cheers and applause ]

Morty Smith.
I'm Scroopy Noopers.

I'm a scientist.
Can I show you something?

Uh, I better not.

Right now.

[ blurp! ]

The center of Pluto,
Mr. Smith,

is made of a substance called
"plutonium."

mines like these suck plutonium
up to the cities,

where corporations use it
to power everything,

from diamond cars
to golden showers.

And the more we remove,
the more Pluto shrinks.

[ rumbles ] There it goes again.

Just shrank a little.

But a few years ago,

your scientists noticed Pluto
had gotten so small

they couldn't even call it
a "planet" anymore.

Should've been
our wake-up call.

But the rich plutonians
won't wake up,

and they love your Dad telling
everyone Pluto's a planet

because that means
they can keep mining

until Pluto goes
from planet to asteroid

to meteor, and finally...

poof.
- Um, a party?

Is everyone in your family
an idiot?

Well, for sure
me and my Dad are.

[ sighs ]
Well, all you have to do

is get him to admit that,

and you could save
four billion lives.

Yeah, you know, the thing is
my Dad's really insecure.

Hmm. Funny.

Mr. Needful, out of everything
in the store,

you'll never guess
what we couldn't get rid of.

[ gasps ]
- [ sputtering ]

Oh, my god.

[ grunting ]

Oh, my god.

I wish this desk was lighter.

I wish this knot was looser.

[ grunts ] Come on.

[ blows ] I don't...

[ grunts ]

Wait, what am I doing?

I wish I knew CPR.

1, 2, 3.

[ chokes, sputters ] Oh, Jesus.

What a waste of a monkey paw.

Mr. Needful, how
could you even think of doing

something so horrible?

I'm the devil.
What should I do

when I fail...
get myself an ice cream?

You haven't failed.

People like Rick
are making me obsolete.

I mean, seriously.
I may be "the devil,"

but your grandpa is the devil.

I just want to go back to hell,

where everyone thinks
I'm smart and funny.

No!
It's not fair.

Everyone in this town
got something they wanted

from you... even Rick.

I was your only friend,
and I get nothing?

Okay. I'll give you one thing.
Name it.

I want to help you.

Clever twist.

I learned from
the best, you old fart.

Now, let's go get you hydrated.

Looks like we've got...

haunted boxing gloves
that will make you

the heavyweight champion
in 1936,

and then you'll be
trapped there,

winning the same fight
for eternity.

I can take out the "eternity"
and the padding,

and then you'll have some
time-traveling mittens.

Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby.

How's business?

Here's the last
of our inventory.

We're going to file chapter 1 1
and do some restructuring.

Sounds like code for
"You win, Rick."

That was important
to you, wasn't it?

Nope. Lt was important
to your dumb devil friend.

To me, this was all just a bit,

like when Bugs Bunny fucks
with the opera singer

for 20 minutes.

He tried to kill himself.

[ laughing ]
Seriously? Holy crap.

Holy crap.

But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

He's strong, and he's never
going to give up.

- Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care.
- Oh, I know.

- Everyone knows you don't care.
- So?

So have fun not caring.

- I always do.
- Good.

Yeah, it is good.
[burps] It's the best.

I'm sure it is.

- Bye.
- Later.

I'm here to pick up
my undead cat and child.

Yeah, uh...
give me a sec.

These are the forms
for the employee health plan.

All right, yeah, put...
put them on my... eh.

I just got bored.

Everybody out.

JERRY:
All right, just one more rally,

then I promise we'll get back
to your science project.

Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

It's shrinking because
of corporations.

Yeah, that's what that
anti-planet nut job

Scroopy Noopers was
screaming about

outside the Ministry of Money's
Fundraiser.

Are you telling me four billion
Plutonians are wrong?

You said science wasn't easy.

I said science
isn't a/ways easy.

Obviously, that means
sometimes it is easy.

Let's not debase ourselves
with word games, son.

Dad, their whole
planet is dying.

Ha! You called it a planet.
Checkmate.

What's up, Pluto?

[ cheers and applause ]

[ classical music plays ]

Mr. Smith, please tell
my friend here

what you just told me.
Go on.

My very eager mother
just served us nine pickles,

and the "pickles" is Pluto.

[ sputters ]
My god, the man's a genius.

Um, excuse me.

Morty, what?

Dad, what did you
think about the recent report

published by
The Pluto Science Reader

linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes,
and surface shrinkage

to deep-core plutonium
drilling?

Well, son, what did you think

when you were five
and you pooped your pants,

and you threw your poopy undies
out your bedroom window

because you thought it was like

throwing something
in the garbage?

[ laughter ]

I mean, I'm trimming the hedges,

and these things are just
hanging there.

Was I supposed to think
the poop bunny left them?

Good one, Dad.

Hey, Morty, you want to
go on a... oh.

Hey, Beth.
Hello?

Hey, Jerry, you in here
being stupid?

[ sighs, burps ]

[ robot whirs ]

Thanks.

Hey, you know, I was thinking,
you know,

I might watch a movie.

I am not programmed for
friendship.

Suit yourself.
[ burps ]

[ hums ]

Hey.
[clears throat] Hey.

W-W-What's going on?

Um, can you help me do
the stupid science fair project?

Whatever.

PLUTONIAN:
Jerry, you must be so excited.

The Pluto-bel prize is
the highest honor

a scientist can receive.

I'm flattered and humbled.

Oh, I like that.
Use that in your speech.

Also, talk about Pluto
being a planet.

People like that.

Your highness, we've captured
Scroopy Noopers.

You animals! Animals!

Ooh, look who's little
journey's come to an end.

Take him to Pluto-namo Bay.

You can't kill the truth,
father.

- What?
- I can see you're confused.

Pluto-namo Bay is
a military prison...

a sort of play on words.

Did he call you "father"?

Scroopy Noopers,
the anti-planet nutjob,

is your son?

The young eat the old
if you let them, Jerry.

Pluto is a cold, cold
celestial dwarf.

- It's a what?
- Huh? Oh, planet.

[ laughs ]

"Pluto is a cold,
cold planet."

That's what I meant.

Knock them dead out there, you.

[ echoing ] Pluto is...

[ sighs ] not a planet.

- [ shouting ]
- Ow! It's not a planet.

Hey!
It's not a planet!

I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

It was a long six hours,

but we've overhauled
"Needful Things"

into the globally-compliant
web 4.0

spelled with threes
instead of "E's."

[ cheering ]

Okay, that's it.
We just got bought by Google!

Mm.
I'm so proud of you, Lucius.

So, how much did we make?

[ chuckling ]
"We."

This is my business.
Security!

[ gasps ]
You're Zuckerberg-ING me?

I was Zuckerberg-ING people

before Zuckerberg's balls
dropped.

I'm the devil, bitch!
What, what?!

[ fiddle plays ]

Hey!
[ groans ]

- Hey, Morty.
- Oh, oh, hey, Dad.

Um, what... what are you doing
back from Pluto so quick?

Uh... some people just
can't handle the truth.

Especially dummies like me.

Morty, I'm not as smart
as your grandpa Rick,

but I promise never to make
that your problem again.

Hey, Dad.

Nobody's smarter than Rick,
but nobody else is my Dad.

You're a genius at that.

Wow.
[ sniffles ]

That's... humbling
and flattering, son.

Thank you.

What say we finish ourselves
an eight-planet solar system?

Um... I'm just gonna
take this thing in

and get an "A."
- Butter.

- But...
- You're a genius...

at being my Dad, Dad.

Quit while you're ahead.

And also, knock next time,
you know?

I mean, I'm sitting in here,
I'm 14...

I got a computer in here,
you know?

Oh, I... I think
I understand.

You're really playing with fire

when you burst in here
like that, man.

I get it. Say no more.

I mean, one of these days,

you know, you're gonna end
up seeing something.

I got it!
Noted. Good night.

[ metal music playing ]

How's your pretend
grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

- He dumped me.
- Oof. Sorry.

Did we learn a lesson here
I'm not seeing?

Not sure.

Maybe in a much bigger way,

Mr. Needful gave us
both what we really wanted?

Because I was always jealous of
you hanging out with Morty,

and you didn't realize how much
you valued my approval?

- No, that's dumb.
- Yeah, not satisfying.

I'll tell you what, though.

If... if... if it's satisfaction
you're after,

I think I might have an idea.

[ whispering ]
- Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, totally.
Let's do it.

♪ X gonna give it to ya ♪
♪ What? ♪

♪ Wait for you
to get it on your own,

X gonna deliver to ya ♪

♪ Knock knock, open
up the door, it's real ♪

♪ With the non-stop pop pop
and stainless steel ♪

♪ Go hard, getting
busy with it ♪

♪ but I got such a good heart

that I'll make the mother
wonder if he did it ♪

♪ Damn right,
and I'll do it again,

'cause I am nice
so I gots to win ♪

♪ Break bread with the enemy ♪

♪ But no matter how many cats
I break bread with,

I'll break who
you... ♪

And that's how I took
my storefront

into the forefront
of the up front.

Thank you, Seattle.

[ cheers and applause ]

Rick? Summer?

[ audience groans ]

Stupid motherfucker!

You stupid bitch.

Stupid motherfucker!

How do you like that?
How do you like that?

[ grunts, groans ]

W-W-Why?

Because sometimes
what you really need is

for someone else to pay
a horrible price.

[ whimpers ]

[ spits ]

- We did it.
- Yeah, bro.

We totally worked it.
We did it!

We just pulled it off.

Yeah, bro.
Yeah.

♪ Bitch, please, if the only
thing you cats did

was came out to play ♪

♪ Stay out my way, mother ♪

♪ First we gonna rock,
then we gonna roll ♪

♪ Then we let it pop,
don't let it go ♪

♪ X gonna give it to ya,
he gonna give it to ya ♪

♪ First we gonna rock,
then we gonna roll ♪

♪ Then we let it pop,
don't let it go ♪

♪ X gonna give it to ya,
he gonna give it to ya ♪

♪ Ain't never gave
nothing to me ♪

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!