Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - M. Night Shaym-Aliens! - full transcript

T-T-T-This is just
sloppy craftsmanship.

Hey, Rick.

Boy, sure is really especially
beautiful out there today, huh?

Oh, yes, Morty.

L-it's almost unbelievable,
isn't it?

Yeah, you know?

There's something about the air

and just the way the sunshine is.

Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.

Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.

Wha... convincing?



Oh. Responsive, too.

In real time. I love it.

Uhh... okay.

[ robotic ] I'm going to work.

Morty, good morning.

Dad, good morning.

I am going to work. Goodbye.

What's with mom?

Oh, what's with mom?

So, you're saying that
she's acting weird?

How soph[burps]isticated.

Careful, guys.

You're gonna burn out
the CPU with this one.

Okay, you know what, Rick?



You're acting weird, too.

Whatever,
quote-unquote "Morty."

All right, well...

I'll see you after school.

Ow! Oof! Ugh!

Damn it!

I'm all right. I'm okay.

[ slurps ]

All right, who can tell
me what 5 x 9 is?

[ students whispering ]

Morty?

Uh, me?

What is 5 x 9?

Umm... you know,
it's uhh ...at least 40.

[ students gasp ]

Morty, that's exactly correct!

5 x 9 is at least 40!

Come up here.

Whoo! Way to go, Morty!

Everybody,
this is the best student.

I want you to be
the teacher today.

Teach us, Morty!

Interesting.

W-w-w-what do you
want me to teach you?

Ooh, ooh!

How do you make
concentrated dark matter?

Oh, that's a good question.

Concentrated huh?

Concentrated dark matter...

the fuel for accelerated
space travel.

Now, do you know how to make it?

Umm...

JESSICA:
Come on, Morty.

Isn't your grandpa,
like, a scientist?

Oh, yeah, but, you know,
he told me that I shouldn't go

around spouting off about, you
know, his science and stuff.

I bet you've seen him make
concentrated dark matter a lot.

You know, if you tell us,
I'll be your girlfriend.

Uh, y-you will?

Seems like a rare opportunity,
Morty.

[ blam! ]

Morty, u-uh, come on.
There's a family emergency.

Stop right there!

If he leaves,
I'm giving him an "F."

RICK:
He doesn't care.

Aw, man!

Rick, I have to go back!

I think I was about
to get married!

Ugh! Take a shower with me,
Morty.

What?!

Listen to me, Morty.

Get your clothes off and
get in the shower right now.

Y-y-y-you got to
trust me, Morty.

Ugh!

I'm gonna get an
"F" in class, Rick.

Morty, that's not class.

T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher.

This isn't your school.

This entire world
is not the world.

We're inside a huge simulation
chamber on an alien spaceship.

Wait a minute.

W-what are you talking about?

It's all fake [burps] Morty...
all of it.

Nanobotic renderings, a bunch
of crazy fake nonsense, Morty.

I couldn't say so until
we got in the shower.

They won't monitor us in here.

Monitor us?! W-who?!

Zigerion scammers, Morty...

the Galaxy's most ambitious,
least successful con artists.

You know, it's lucky for
us they're also really

uncomfortable with nudity.

Aw, come on, Rick.

If everyone's just
gonna be insane today,

at least let me be
insane with Jessica.

I can't [burps] let
you do that, Morty.

Give it to me!

No! [ burps ]

You give it to me!

G-g-give it! No, Rick!

[ aliens groaning ]

Oh, God, Sir!
They're still naked!

Ugh.

Well, check every five Quintons
and tell me when they're not.

I think we should
make Kevin look, sir.

What?! No!

W-w-why would you even say that?

Uh, sir, we have
a situation over here.

If there's a wiener on that
monitor,

I swear to god, Stu...

something is drawing a
lot of processing power.

Oh, wait. No wonder.

There's another real
human in the simulator.

Okay, Jerry...
big pitch meeting.

Make-or-break time.

[ whirring]

You can do this.

How did this happen?!

Where's the
Abductions Department?

Hey, man, Abductions just
follows the acquisition order.

Don't put this on Acquisitions!

We only acquire humans that
haven't been simulated!

Well, simulations doesn't
simulate anybody that's been

abducted,
so [chuckles] oh, I see!

Oh, oh!
It was no one's fault.

Oh, okay. [ chuckles ]

I'm sorry.
Well, then, problem solved.

Oh, wait... no.

There's still another
human in here!

Who is he?

Rick's son-in-law,
Jerry Smith.

So far, he hasn't noticed
he's in a simulation.

[ sighs ]

Well, cap his sector at 5%
processing,

keep his settings on auto, and
we'll deal with him later.

Rick Sanchez is the target.

[ inhales deeply ] Got to relax.

It's just a pitch.

Got to relax.

[ click ]

[ static ]

This is Earth radio.

And now, here's... human music.

[ repetitive rhythmic beeping]

Hmm. Human music.

I like it.

[ beeping continues]

[ Rick and Morty panting ]

Rick!

Uhp, uhp, uhp!

Morty, keep your hands
off your ding-dong!

It's the only way
we can speak freely.

Look around you, Morty.

Do you really think
this [burps] world is real?

You'd have to be an idiot not to
notice all the sloppy details.

Look... that guy's putting
a bun between two hot dogs.

MORTY:
I don't know, Rick.

I mean, I've seen people
do that before.

RICK:
Well, look at that old lady.

She's... she's walking
a cat on a leash.

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does
that all the time, Rick.

Look, I-I-l don't want to
hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty!

She's an idiot!

All right, all right, there.

W-what about that, Morty?

MORTY:
Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Oh, really, Morty?

Are you sure you haven't
seen that somewhere

in real life before?

No, no.
I haven't seen that.

I mean, why would a
pop tart want to live inside

a toaster, Rick?

I mean, that would be, like, the
scariest place for them to live.

You know what I mean?

You're missing the point, Morty.

Why would he drive a smaller
toaster with wheels?

I mean, does your car look like
a smaller version of your house?

No.

So, why are they doing this?

W-what do they want?

Well, that would be
obvious to you, Morty,

if you'd been paying attention.

[ siren wails ]

[ tires screech ]

We got the President of the
United States in here!

We need 10cc of concentrated
dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Concentrated dark matter?

They were asking
about that in class.

Yeah, it's a special fuel I
invented to travel through

space faster than anybody else.

These Zigerions are always
trying to scam me out of my secrets,

but they made a big
mistake this time, Morty.

They dragged you into this.

Now they're gonna pay!

What do you...
w-w-what are we gonna do?

We'll scam the scammers, Morty.

And we're gonna take them for
everything they've got.

JERRY:
National Apple Farmers of America,

welcome to our Ad Agency.

I'm Jerry Smith.

All right.

I'll just... get to the pitch.

Um, simple question, gentlemen,
[ hoarsely ] what are apples?

[ clears throat ] Excuse me.

Ahh.

[ coughs, clears throat ]

What are apples?

Apples are food.

And... when do we need food?

When we're hungry.

With that, I give
you your new slogan!

[ sighs ]

Well, say something!

Do you like it?

Yes.

You do?

ALL:
Yes.

So... I sold it?

[ laughs ] I sold the idea?

ALL:
Yes.

Oh, my god! Thank you!

TOGETHER:
Thank you.

You're welcome.

[ "Baker Street" plays ]

Hey!

I just sold my first pitch!

[ dialing ]

Slow down! Lookin' good.

My man!

[ beeping, telephone ringing ]

[robot] Hello.

Guess who just sold
the apples campaign.

Who just sold
the apples campaign?

Me!

I guess it wasn't a rip-off
of "Got milk? " after all.

Guess someone was wrong.

Yes.

Well, all is forgiven,
because right now,

I've got an erection the size
of an East coast lighthouse,

and I'm coming home to share
it with my beautiful wife.

Okay.

Wait... really?

Yes.

Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

[ cellphone beeps ] Hey!

I'm going to make
love to my wife!

Lookin' good.

Slow down!

My man!

[ beeping ]

Aw, geez, Rick.

I-I don't know if I
like this plan, you know?

I mean, crowds,
t-t-t-they have a tendency

to make me really nervous.

Morty, relax.

It's just a bunch
of 1s and 0s out there.

You're gonna be fine.

Just follow my lead.

Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

[ hip-hop beat plays ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Uh-oh, Morty.

This crowd looks too small for
one of our famous rap concerts.

I don't think we can
perform our new song,

"The Recipe for
Concentrated Dark Matter,"

for a crowd this tiny.

You got that right, Rick.

[ cheers and applause ]

RICK:
Now that's [burps] more like it!

Morty, here we go.

Let me hear everybody
say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

[ crowd cheering ]

All the ladies say, "Yeah!"

[ ladies cheering ]

Everybody over 30,
do this with your hands!

Everybody with a red shirt,
jump up and down!

[ beeping ]

[ tires screech ]

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Yeah, don't move.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

Mm!

[ cheers and applause ]

Yo, everyone whose first name
begins with an "L"

who isn't Hispanic, walk in a
circle the same number of times

as the square root
of your age times 10!

[ beeping ]

Run, Morty!

Before the system reboots!

[ squeaking ]

JERRY:
Yeah! You like that?

Now who's unremarkable?

You hungry for apples?

[ squeaking intensifies ]

Are you hungry... for... apples?!

[ squeaking stops ]

[ sighs deeply ]

[ chuckles ]

Oh, my God.

That's the best sex
I've ever had in my life.

It's... it's... too good.

I don't deserve this, Beth.

I'm a fraud.

Oh, man, Rick!

W-w-w-where we running to?

Out of the simulation, Morty.

Normally, the chamber
operates like a treadmill,

with the virtual world
disappearing behind us

and being rendered in front
of us as we move through it,

but while it's frozen, Morty,
we can get to...

the edge.

Here we go.

Holy crap!

Come on, Morty.

[ grunts ]

Sir, they're over the edge.

Yes, they are.

Just... as... planned.

[ evil laughter ]

Oh, this is going to
be such a mindfuck!

Keep your eyes peeled for the
central processing room, Morty.

That's how we're gonna
scam these idiots.

So, hey, why do these aliens
keep coming after you, Rick,

if you're so
much smarter than them?

It's an obsession
for them at this point.

The Zi[burps]gerions have
been trying to outsmart

me for years, Morty.

Every time they do,
I'm one step ahead of them.

Aha!

Here we go.

Grab as many processors
as you can carry, Morty.

These guys aren't good at much,

but they're reallygood
at making these chips.

RICK: I've got so many,
l can barely hold them all.

[ chuckles ]

Look at...
look at this.

Oops. l dropped one.

Don't worry about it, Morty.

There's plenty of them,
you little goofball.

[ both laugh ]

Come here, Morty!
Oh, l gotcha!

Come on, quit it, Rick!

Quit it!
[ laughs ]

Nothing wrong with just a
little bit of horseplay every

now and then, little fella.

[ glass shatters ]

Wow. What do you know?

Huh. That was easy.

Totes malotes, dawg.

Just kind of hard to believe,
you know?

Believe it, Morty.

And once again, I'm flying away
with everything l can carry,

and the Zigerions
got nothing of mine.

[ sighs ]

Mr. Marklevitz,
do you have a...

minute to talk?

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

Look, I'm a fraud.

I mean, let's face it...

"Hungry For Apples" is just
a rip-off of "Got Milk?"

It's almost identical.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

[ sighs ] Okay.

I deserve that.

Umm... I guess...
I'll just pack up my desk.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

[ crying ]

[ sobbing ] Oh, my God.

Wait. You know what?! No!

The milk people don't
have a patent on

simple rhetorical questions!

There's not even a single word
in "Hungry For Apples" that's

shared by "Got Milk?"

It's a completely
different slogan.

It's different!

And I shouldn't be fired.

I should be promoted!

- [ snaps fingers ] Yes.
- Yeah!

Wait. Really?

- [ snaps fingers ] Yes.
- Yes!

I mean, I'm...
it may be derivative,

but it's the most successful
campaign to come out of this

agency in a long time.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

I-I'm not saying it should win
an award for commercials,

but it could certainly be
nominated for an award

for commercials specifically
about apples,

like... an Appley or something.

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

Is there really an
award called the Appley

for Apple-Related ad campaigns?

[ snaps fingers ] Yes.

- Could we nominate me?
- [ snaps fingers ] Yes.

Holy crap!

[ beeping ]

Get in, Morty.

I'm gonna [burps] be able to use
these processors to make some

real important science stuff.

[ keypad beeping ]

Huh.

I thought l entered
the code right.

[ keypad beeping ]

Wha... well, what's this?

W-what could this possibly be?

Because it looks like
you're inside a simulation...

inside a simulation.

You're still on the ship.

Game-day bucket go boom.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's
appointment to examine the

discoloration on your
butthole flaps was...

Too loud, Cynthia.

Too loud and too specific.

Uhh...

[ chuckles ]

We've known how to make
concentrated dark matter

for a long time.

But now we also know the code to
your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

All your most valuable
secrets will now be ours!

Uh, yeah, until I get home
before you and change the

combination,
you bunch of idiots!

That is why you're
never getting home.

Get them!

[ grunts ]

[ aliens shouting, groaning ]

Run, Morty!

[ both panting ]

Oh, my God!

[ beep, click ]

[ mechanical breathing ]

Ow!

[ click, whoosh ]

[ aliens screaming ]

[ both panting ]

l got to tell you, this morning,

l didn't even know
this award existed.

Now I'm holding one.

And... um...

look, I want to say that today
was the best day of my life...

but... the truth is, it's...
it's more meaningful than that.

MAN:
My man!

Yes. Thank you, sir.

[ sighs deeply ]

l...am... finally complete!

[ beeping ]

My... my... my... my man!

Aah!

What the hell?!

[ beeping ]

No.

- Jerry?!
- Dad!

What are you doing here?

W-why are you
dressed like a waiter?

Screw it.
We don't have time.

Come on.

[ sobbing ] No!

[ alarm blaring ]

Ohhhhh!

[ beeping ] Aah!

ALL:
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oof!

Man up, Jerry!

I may need you to
work the lasers.

[ beeping ]

[ slurps ]

[ gasps ]

[ alarm blaring ]

Oh, man!
They're hot on our tail, Rick!

I guess they really do have
concentrated dark matter.

Well, you know how to make it,
too, right, Rick?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, check the engine room.

We just need Cesium, Plutonic
Quarks, and bottled water.

It's all here, Rick!

Wow, Morty.
Lucky break.

Grab that bucket.

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks,
one part Cesium.

Okay. Uh-huh.

[ fizzing ]

All right.

Now empty the water bottle
into the bucket and pour

it all into the fuel tank so we
can get the hell out of here!

What are you doing, Morty?!

There's no time!

[ beeping ]

[ stammering ]

Oh, no.

What the...

No!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my God, Rick.

How dumb are you?

You're inside a simulation...

of a simulation...

inside another giant simulation!

[ laughs ]

W-We never had the recipe for
concentrated dark matter.

But we do now!

We do now, sucka!

You simulated my
grandson's genitalia?!

Y-Y-You bunch of
diabolical sons of bitches!

Kevin fought real hard to
supervise that project.

You said you weren't
gonna tell anyone!

I'm never gonna live
this down, am I?

All right. Okay.
All right, great. Wonderful.

You win.
Can we go home now?

I don't know.
Can you?

Ha! Nice.

Okay, okay.

Show this gullible
turd to his shuttle.

I'm done with him.

Oh, wait.
Let me get a picture.

[ shutter clicks ]

Aww. Look at his face.

He's trying to figure out if
he's in a simulation still.

Are you, Rick?

Are you?

[ laughs ]

You're not.

Or are you?

Oh, a-and, by the way, l don't
have discolored butthole flaps.

That was part of the simulation.

Oh.

Uh, sir, should I cancel
that appointment, then?

Yeah! Of course you should!

[ chuckles ]

No, keep it.

Move it up, actually,
if you can.

RICK:
Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it.

So what if the most meaningful
day of your life was a

simulation operating at
minimum cap[burps]acity?

You know what, Rick?

Those guys took you
for a ride, too.

You should try having a little
respect for the dummies of the Universe,

now that you're one of us.

Maybe you're right, Jerry.

Maybe you're right.

[ aliens cheering ]

[ dance music plays ]
All right, everybody.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks...

One part Cesium...

[ fizzing ]

A-and listen,
I'm sorry for yelling earlier.

I-I couldn't ask
for a better staff.

I love you guys,
and I love all your families.

And the final ingredient...

JERRY:
Whoa!

What the hell?!
W-what happened back there?

Why don't you ask the smartest
people in the Universe, Jerry?

Oh, yeah.
[ burps ] you can't.

They blew up.

[ sighs ]

[ beep ]

[ "Baker Street" plays]

[ vocalizing ]

[ vocalizing out of sync ]

[ "Baker Street" continues ]

JERRY:
So...

what do you think?

You're fired.

Wha...

But t-this idea was tested in a
state-of-the-art simulation.

Well, then, it was
a terrible simulation.

Get out.

[ door opens, closes ]

Man, how does a guy like that go
home and have sex with his wife?

Hey, Morty.

What?

Hey, little buddy.

H-h-how you doing
in here right now?

Aw, geez, Rick.
What are you doing, man?

Y-y-you're a
good kid, Morty.

Y-you're a real l-little
c-character, Morty.

Oh, boy.

You know, l had a really
rocky road today, M-Morty.

You're my little friend,
aren't you?

[ sighs ]

We had some good times together,
huh, M-Morty?

We... you're a real
true hero out in the field.

You're a Li... you're a real
trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?

Have you been drinking, Rick?

I really appreciate you, Morty.

O-okay, cool.

A-all right, Rick...
you little son of a bitch!

Y-y... are you a simulation?!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

No! No! No!

You little son of a bitch!

[ gasping ]

l-I-I'm sorry, Morty.

Y-you're a good...
you're a good kid, Morty.

Geez!

Y-you're a good...
you're a good kid.

Oh, my god!

[ snoring ]

W-W-What the hell?

What a life.

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!