Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind - full transcript

So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is.

Martin Luther King
Jr.'s birthday.

No.
Well, it... might be.

- It is.
- Fine.

But also, tomorrow is your
one-year anniversary

back in our lives.

I'm gonna make you
flying-saucer-shaped pancakes.

Oh, t-t-there's no need
to do that, Beth.

Regular pancakes are fine.

Oh, my god!
Oh, what is happening?!

Happy anniversary, Dad.



Oh, I get it.

Regular pancakes are already
shaped like flying saucers.

Mmm. l-I should be
making you breakfast

for putting up with me.

You should be making us
a whole restaurant.

Nonsense. We couldn't be
happier to have you around.

I just wish I got
to see more of you.

Rick Sanchez of Earth
dimension C-137,

you are under arrest for crimes
against alternate Ricks

by the authority of the
Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

- Hey! What the heck?!
- Neutralize the Jerry.

- Wait! No! I'll...
- Dad!

- Dad!
- Rick!

Everybody, relax.



If I know these a-holes,
and I am these a-holes,

they just want to haul me
to their stupid clubhouse

and waste my time
with a bunch of questions.

- Let's get it over with.
- Bring his Morty.

- Oh, man.
- Leave my Morty out of this.

You lost the right to have
a say in these things

when you refused to j...
join the council.

W-W-W-What about Jerry?

Will you at least
unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

Give you anything!

I have a rare antique-
coin collection!

Just don't hurt me!

Okay, maybe not antique,
but it was a limited minting.

They have little R2-D2s
instead of George Washington.

Our son's been abducted!

You hate me for buying
those coins!

Geez, Rick, w-what is
this place?

The citadel of Ricks.

It's the secret headquarters
for the Council of Ricks.

- Council of Ricks?
- As you know, Morty...

I've got a lot of enemies
in the universe

that consider my genius
a threat...

galactic terrorists,
a few sub-galactic dictators,

most of the entire
intergalactic government.

W-W-Wherever you find people
with heads up their asses,

someone wants a piece
of your grandpa,

and a lot of versions of me
had the same problem,

so a few thousand versions of me
had the ingenious idea

of banding together
like a herd of cattle

or a school of fish

or those people who answer
questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Hey! What do you know?
It's a cowboy version of me.

Geez, you're easy to impress.

Yeah, most timelines
have a Rick,

and most Ricks have a Morty.

This place is a real who's who
of who's you and me.

Turn your boring, old Morty
into a f... hot fashion statement

with some Morty dazzlers.

Hey, check this out.

- Show me the Morty.
- Dumb.

Excuse me, sir,
is your Morty insured?

You know, every year, hundreds
of Mortys are injured...

Back off!

Not my cup of tea, this place.

I say the point of being a Rick
is being a Rick.

Save your anti-Rick speech

for the Council of Ricks,
terror-Rick.

Hey, save your Rick rules

for the sheep-Ricks,
Rick-pig.

- Fuck me, pal.
- Fuck you?

No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck me.

Bring up the holograms.

27 Ricks brutally murdered in
their own timelines...

an unprecedented Rick-icidal
epidemic.

What say you,
Earth Rick C-137?

You think I did this?

Why am I the first Rick you pull in
every time a Rick stubs his toe?

You have a history
of non-cooperation

with the council.

Yeah, so does the scientist
formerly known as Rick.

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here
in handcuffs?

Because he's dead, too!

Who else would we question?
You fit the profile.

Of all the Ricks
in the central finite curve,

you're the malcontent,
the rogue.

I'm the Rick, and so
were the rest of you

before you formed this
stupid alliance.

You wanted to be safe
from the government,

so you became
a stupid government.

That makes every Rick here
less Rick than me.

Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got pancakes back home

with syrup on top of them.

They're about to hit that
critical point of syrup absorption

that turns the cakes
into a gross paste,

and I hate to get all
Andy Rooney about it,

but I think we all like fluffy
discs of cake with syrup on top,

and I think we also like to be
accused of crimes

when there's evidence!

So, as they say in Canada,
peace oot!

Evidence! Good idea.
Scan his portal gun!

Oh, come on.

Don't look at another man's
portal-gun history.

We... we all
go to weird places.

Yes, but it appears you alone

have been going to the exact
timelines and locations

in which the murders occurred.

What?!
That's Rick-diculous!

I'm obviously being set up.

Earth Rick C-137, the council
of Ricks sentences you

to the machine
of unspeakable doom,

which swaps your conscious
and unconscious minds,

rendering
your fantasies pointless

while everything you've known
becomes impossible to grasp.

Also, every 10 seconds,
it stabs your balls.

I've heard enough.

Run, Morty!

Unh-unh. Not you.

Aaaah!

Oh! Oh!

Yeah, I'd like to order one
large person

with extra people, please.
White people.

No, no, no, no.
Black people.

And Hispanic on half.

Yes, I'd like to order one
large sofa chair

with extra chair, please.
High chair.

No, no, no, no. Recliner.

And wheelchair on half.

They could have gone
into any one of these.

Son of a...

- Oh, geez.
- We lost 'em.

Yeah, I'd like to order one
large phone

with extra phones, please.
Cellphone.

No, no, no, no. Rotary.

And pay phone on half.

That'll keep 'em
busy for a while.

Those guys were wrong, right?

Y-Y-Y-You d... you wouldn't kill
yourself... y-y-yourselves.

Of course not, Morty.
How could that profit me?

But someone out there is
killing Ricks,

and the council ain't
gonna stop thinking it's me

until we clear our names...
by finding the real Rick-killer.

I'm scared, Rick.

Maybe we should go home
and stockpile weapons,

like that show
"Doomsday Preppers."

Not really my style, Morty.

Besides, your home is
most likely

swarming with Ricks by now.

All right, listen, Jerry.

If Rick calls, this device is
gonna trace his location.

You just gotta keep him on the phone
for 30 seconds or longer.

- Who wants lemonade?
- Oh, yeah.

Mmm!
Oh! Delicious!

Beth you're a treasure.

I have a Beth just like you
in my reality,

except you know what?

She's not as brilliant or
attractive.

- Aw.
- Thank you.

Oh! She did! She did it!

- H-hello?
- Hey, Jerry, it's Rick.

Rick! Hey.

What's... what's up?

So, listen, the heat's on,
and there's nowhere left to turn,

so Morty and I are just gonna
fly my spaceship into a black hole.

- What?!
- Is that cool with you, dawg?

Rick, no! Morty!!
We got it.

The call's coming from...

# Inside the house #

- Look at his face!
- You dummy!

Can't believe our daughter
married you.

Too easy!

The Ricks are probably
gonna waste some time

messing with Jerry.

They won't be able to help
themselves.

But as soon as they get bored,
they'll be onto us.

Phones ? la clams and
phonesghetti with phone balls.

Anything else?

Yeah, more phone sticks, please.

Right away, sir.

You know, Rick, when I first saw

all those Ricks and Mortys,

I thought, "gee, that
kind of devalues our bond."

but then I realized it just means

that our relationship must
be pretty special

to span over all those
different timelines.

Yeah, it's got to be that way.
You're a camouflage.

Camouflage? W-W-W-What are
you talking about, Rick?

Ricks have a very distinctive
and traceable brain wave

due to our genius.

The best way to hide
from an enemy's radar

is to stand near someone
with complementary brain waves

that make ours invisible.

See, w-w-w-when a Rick I-is
with a Morty,

the genius waves get
canceled out by the, uh...

Morty waves.

Um... because o-our
personalities are so different?

Oh, shit, dawg.

My portal gun was hacked
remotely, Morty...

obviously by the real killer,
to frame me.

But I was able to trace the signal.
Come on. Let's go.

Uh-oh.

Excuse me. We've tracked
a pair of dangerous criminals

to this exact location.

They look exactly like us,
so in order to avoid confusion,

I'm gonna mark us each
with a red "X" right now.

That way, if someone has a gun

and we both tell you to shoot
the other one

because they're the evil one,
you'll know who's lying.

Hey, check it out.

Damn it!

Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Hey, it's a good thing
that space outlet had lab coats

and your favorite kind of shirt
in stock, huh, Morty?

Yeah, Rick, l-I heard
you the first time.

You don't have to keep saying it
over and over.

Man, this place is way
off the grid.

This guy does not want
to be found.

Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just
have to stand by a Morty to hide?

I mean, isn't that what Mortys are...
human cloaking devices?

Morty, you're making a bigger
deal out of this than it is.

Oh, my god, Rick, look!

There's a bunch of people
strapped all over that building!

Not people, Morty...
Mortys.

Oh, god!

W-Why would somebody do this?
It's horrible!

Well, one Morty's enough to hide
from the bureaucrats,

but you get... you get
a whole matrix of Mortys

and put them in agonizing pain,

that creates a pattern that can hide
even from other Ricks, motherfucker.

I fiddled with a concept
like this once.

On paper, Morty.
On paper.

I wouldn't do this.
It's barbaric overkill.

I mean, you could accomplish
the same result with, like,

five Mortys and a jumper cable.

Which I also wouldn't do!

I'm just saying, it's bad
craftsmanship.

- Coffee time!
- Yo, yo, yo, yo!

That's what I like to hear!

Hi, Jerry.

Leave me alone.
I'm working.

Oh, you are?
W-W-W-What do you do?

I-I'm... I'm in between
advertising jobs.

Advertising? Wow!

So, people need help figuring
out what to buy,

and then y-y-you help 'em?

Well, it's a little more
complicated than that.

Well, I mean, you do it,
and you seem like a guy

who really has it all together.

Dude, are you... w...
you're being a dick, right?

Oh, gosh, l-I hope not.

I-I-I-l-I-l wouldn't want to
offend you in any way.

You're really a Rick?

Y... of course I am...

just as much
as my Morty's a Morty.

Hey, he looks a lot
like Eric Stoltz

from the movie "Mask."

You know, the one
with Cher in it?

That's right, Jerry!

He... he's from a reality
where everyone is

Eric Stoltz "Mask" people.

He's Eric Stoltz Mask Morty.

They assigned him to me

because I never had
any kids of my own.

But if I did, boy, I'd love them

if they were as smart
and as successful

as you are, Jerry.

Hey, get a load of this.

Jerry's hanging out
with doofus Rick.

This is perfect.

I'm not doofus Rick!

I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7!

Oh, is that the timeline
where everybody eats poop?

Jerry, you know this guy
eats poop, right?

Hey, I don't eat poop!

Y-You guys are always
so mean to me.

I guess it's only fair
to tell you now, Jerry.

I'm the worst Rick of them all.

According to who...
other versions of you?

If I've learned one thing,

it's that before you get
anywhere in life,

you got to stop listening
to yourself.

Wow.
You really are wise, Jerry.

I-I-I guess that's why you work
in advertising.

The fact that you feel that way

makes you the best Rick
of them all.

You don't care about me at all!

I'm no different than that
jacket you've got on!

Y-Y-Y... o-or your stupid
portal gun!

I'm just a tool!
I-I-I'm just an object!

Hey, it's your choice
to take it personally, Morty.

Now, for the love of god,
be quiet.

The point of this is to get
the drop on the guy.

You know what, Rick?
I'll tell you something!

I'm more than a human shield!
Yeah, that's right. You are.

You're a perfect, impenetrable
suit of human armor, Morty,

because you're as dumb
as I am smart,

which is why when I say
"shut up,"

it's really good advice.

Great. Nice work, Morty.

Ooh. Look at you, C-137.

You... aren't you
a tough customer?

The slow clap? Really?
Kind of played out, dude.

Not in this dimension, it isn't.

In fact
I invented it.

Nobody else has ever even
done it here before.

Well, la-Di-DA.

Hey, that's mine!

I don't like the look
of that Rick, Morty.

- We gotta escape.
- I'm not gonna help you, Rick.

Y-You're a monster.

Don't be rick-diculous,
Morty.

Will you stop saying that?
It's stupid.

Take his Morty away.

- Come with me.
- Yeah, gladly.

Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Hey, man, you seem to know
how this place works.

Is there any way we could
shut down that grid

and rescue all those
Mortys outside?

It would be pointless.

Mortys have no chance
of defeating a Rick.

In here.

- Ah. Isn't it beautiful?
- Yeah, yeah.

Looks like payday at
Neverland Ranch in here.

Zing!

That guy got it.

Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet.

You're missing my symphony.

Hey, I'll take it over
Mumford & Sons. Zip!

This guy is on it!

He's not laughing at your
dumb jokes, Rick.

That's just a random noise
it makes every 10 seconds.

You see, Rick, you're not
as clever as you think you are.

I wanted you to find me.

We're not so different,
you and I.

- Yeah, duh!
- See this right here, Rick?

I crunched the numbers.

I created a spectrum
of all the Ricks.

I listed them out
from most evil to least evil.

Here's where I am.

And look it... right here's
where you are, Rick.

This guy right here...
super-weird.

I get it. So you want me
to team up with you to take down

The Council of Ricks?
Is that where you're going with this?

'Cause that's where I'd be going.

Please. I think I'm doing
pretty good on my own.

I'm simply gonna download
the contents of your brain

and then kill you.

Okay, if we add a little more
titanium nitrate

and just a tad
of chlorified tartrate...

ovenless brownies!

Mmm. Mmm!

It's incredible what a gifted
mind can accomplish

when priorities are in order.

Well, come on.
I can't take all the credit, Jerry.

It was your idea.
Come here, Jerry!

Hey, uh, come here.

I-I want to show you
something.

Okay, look, everybody makes fun
of me for getting these,

but you're a genius scientist.
What do you think?

See? There's little R2-D2s where
the George Washingtons should be.

You know, Jerry, I'm not
gonna tell you

that these will
increase in value

or even hold their current value.

The truth is, you bought them
because you like them.

They have value to you.
That's what matters.

How long are you staying?

Until we find your Rick.

I found mine.

I found mine.

- Help!
- There is no escape, my son.

We will find our peace in
the next world.

So, what... y-y-y-y-you're
just gonna give up?

We're giving in... to the
power of the one true Morty.

One day, he will return.

Praise the one true Morty.

Ugh.
All right, Mortys, listen up.

My name is Morty Smith,
from Earth dimension C-137.

I know you're scared,
because I'm scared.

But that's no reason to accept
our fate!

We're Mortys!

We're not defined by our
relationships to Rick!

Our destiny is our own!

This sounds like something
the one true Morty might say.

I'm sick of being a human
shield.

I-I-I w... I want to be
a gardener!

I want to write really crazy,
intense action novels!

I'm more than just a hammer!

He is the one true Morty!

Hooray!
The one true Morty!

Hey, keep it down!

You've lived quite a life, Rick.

It's a real shame you won't be
around to see it through.

You're crying?
Over a Morty?

No, I'm just allergic
to dipshits.

Ugh. Pathetic.

We both know that if there's
any truth in the universe,

it's that Ricks
don't care about Mortys.

Do your worst,
you little bastards!

Kill me! Do it!
Do I-i-i-i-it!

Morty! Thank god!
Get me out of this.

- Come on!
- You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Point taken, but this
is no time for arcs.

Oh!

Yeah, hello.

Hey, what do me and O.J.
not have in common?

Huh? W-Who is this?

I found the real killer, bitch!
Get over here!

Yo, ding-dong, we're done here.
Time to go.

Well, Jerry

I guess this means goodbye.

W-W-Well, does it have to?

I mean, you...
you look just like Rick.

We could maybe, you know,
get rid of him.

I'm not saying kill him,
necessarily.

I... I'm also not saying
necessarily not kill him, but...

Jerry, w-we both know
it wouldn't work.

It's time to go back
to our lives.

I love you, Jerry.
I love you.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut!

W-What... w-what's gonna
happen to all these Mortys?

They'll go back to their
families,

attend school regularly,
play video games, date girls.

Poor little Rickless bastards.

Earth Rick C-137,

the council apologizes
for its false accusation,

and in the way of reparations
for our terrible mistake,

we would like to compensate you
with this voucher

for a free replacement Morty
in the event

that your current
Morty should...

Uh, guys, not a good time.

Come on, Morty. Let's hit it.

Is it time for arcs yet, Rick?

I did a pretty good job
back there

for a human cloaking device.

Saved your ass.
All right, Morty.

Don't break an arm jerking
yourself off.

Man, I can't believe you, Rick.

That right there, that w...
that was a great opportunity

to show a little humanity,
you know?

To connect with me a little.

Hey, Morty, you want connection,

go be part of some stupid club,
like all those dumb Ricks.

You know, maybe I don't connect
because I'm the Rickest Rick.

And, you know, it would g...

go without saying
that the Rickest Rick

would have the Mortyest Morty.

- It would go without saying, huh?
- Yeah, it would.

Did you hear me say it?
Nah.

The Mortyest Morty.

Just don't get too big
for your loafers, Buster Brown.

A cocky Morty can lead to some
big problems.

It can be a real bad thing
for everybody.

Oh, yeah? How's that?

U-Uh, I'll explain when
you're older.

What a mess.

Pride cometh before the fall.

I guess he got what he deserved.

What is that?

Hand me the laser difibulator.

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help?

No! Go clean the toilets.

Maybe you'll make friends
with some turds.

You make us ashamed to be
ourselves!

My god. I've seen
this technology before.

This Rick was being
controlled remotely...

puppeteered by somebody else.

This is the receiver.
Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Wubba dubba dub dub!
Oh. Hey, Jerry.

W-W-W-What are you doing
in my room, buddy?

Nothing.
I was just, um...

checking
the smoke detectors.

All right.
Okay, get out.

What's that dipshit doing
out there?

Are you friends with him?

You know he eats his own shit,
right?

Oh, my god, this is rich!

I've got like 10 Ricks
to call right now.

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!