Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Ricksy Business - full transcript

- SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad!
- MORTY: Drive carefully!

Have fun, you two.

Yes, we will have as
much fun as possible on our...

Titanic-themed getaway.

Let's lose the 'tude, please.

It's supposed to be romantic.

Speaking of disasters, Dad,
we are leaving you in charge.

I know, c-can we wrap
this up?

Morty and I [burps] have some
synthetic laser eels

oxidizing in the garage.

Hey, don't blow me off.



I am drawing a line, okay?

Any damage to this house
or these children

when we get back, and...

n-no more
adventures with Morty.

Aw, geez, Rick, if my mom's
the one saying it,

then you know it's pretty
serious this time.

- BOTH: That's right.
- Wait. What?

Listen, you have
my word as a caregiver,

everything's gonna be fine.

And if not, like you say, no
more adventures or whatever.

It's like that old song

"Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop
A-Noop Noop Noop."

Y-You guys know that song?
From Tiny Rogerts?

You never heard of it?



You know, the black effeminate
guy from the '50s?

No-Nobody?

A-All right, whatever.
Look, who cares?

Just go on your stupid trip.

Not one thing out of place.

[ engine turns over ]

Not a single thing.

[ bubbling, crackling ]

Well, we're past
the point of no return.

I'm going to have a party.

SUMMER: I found jello. Can you
sneak your mom's vodka?

Yes, she does.
I saw it in your laundry room.

Listen, you can't both be
in denial about it.

Okay, bye.
- Summer!

You can't throw a party!
Remember what mom said?

Yeah, if anything
gets messed up,

you and Grandpa Rick get
punished.

I'm only a human being, Morty.

Rick, tell Summer
she can't have a party!

Uh, Summer, you can't
have a party.

- [ scoffs ]
- Because [burps]

I'm having
a party, b-i-i-i-itch!

Oh, what?!
Rick, you can't!

What do you mean
you're having a party?

Are some Glip Glops
from the third dimension

going to come over
and play cards or something?

"Glip Glop?"

You're lucky a Traflorkian
doesn't hear you say that.

Is that like their
N-word?

It's like the N-word
and the C-word had a baby

and it was raised by
all the bad words for Jews.

Listen, I think the
three of us could just,

you know, have a nice
time, like, just hanging out,

and, you know, doing
a little bonding and...

Screw that.
This is my chance...

to gain some footing
with the cool kids.

That's why you party?
Boy, you really are 17.

- Why do you party?
- To get [burps]...

wr-wriggedy
wriggedy wrecked, son!

Just keep your sci-fi friends
away from my awesome ones.

Yeah, and you keep your
awesome friends away

from my canapes.

After dinner, Titanic2will
attach to the rail system

near our replica iceberg,

and the hydraulics
encased in these tubes

will execute a controlled sink
into the icy depths.

A rail system seems archaic

for an attraction this
impressive.

Are you sure the ship will sink?

I can assure you the ship
will sink,

as it has a thousand
times before.

It is UN-unsinkable.
- Ooh!

Look, it's the line for the bow!

Jerry, I'd love to just
kick back

with a margarita and read.

Do you mind if I skip the whole
"King of the World" bit?

Well, it's not
the "King of the World" bit.

That's Jack and Fabrizio.

This is where Rose says,
"I'm flying, Jack!"

But whatever.

I can be the only one
to do it alone.

Well, what about her?
Excuse me, ma'am.

Would you like to take
my place in line?

I, uh... I could get
into trouble.

We won't tell.

So...
you're a Titanic fanatic?

Oh, yes. I've worked here
since it opened,

but I've never been able
to participate.

Happy to help... Rose.

[ giggles ]

I love watching bukkake.

I mean, like, I don't know if I
personally would ever do it...

- Brad! Hey!
- Yo.

Brad is here! Quick, make
my hair look drunk.

Check it out.
Tammy's already drunk.

Cool.

The beacon was activated.

Who is in danger?
- Ugh! Grandpa!

Birdperson!

I am pleased there is
no emergency.

Oh, there's an emergency,
all right.

A pussy emergency!

When's the last time
you got laid, 'Pers?

It has been a... challenging
mating season for Birdperson.

Then it's time to get
your beak wet tonight, player.

Go have some fun out there
Birdp... Bird... Birdperson.

Oh, man, how many
people did you invite, Rick?

Uh... people?
Mm, six.

Yo! What up,
my Glip Glops?!

Oh, man!

[ electronic music plays ]

[ breathing heavily ] Oh!

Y-Y-You know there's
a garbage, right?

Hey, uh, what the hell?!

Ooh. That's why you never
invite a Floopy Doop

and a Shmoopy Doop
to the same party.

[ bed springs squeaking ]

Oh, oh, g...
oh, that's disgusting!

You guys are in my parents' bed!

Oh. Sorry.
I'm not feeling too well.

I just needed to lie down
for a bit.

Oh. Okay. S-S-Sorry.
[ chuckles ]

[ groans ]

Oh, my god!
Are you kidding me?!

The thing people don't
realize about the gear wars

is that it was never really
about the gears at all.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
No, no, to-totally.

Rick, you gotta stop...

Morty!
Have you met Gearhead?

- Hey, how's...
- Morty here, he...

he would love to hear
all about the Gear Wars.

How familiar are you
with the gear wars, exactly?

Uh... not at all.

Oh, boy.
I envy you.

Okay, it was about
754 years ago...

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met
my buddy Scropon?

Not again, Rick.

That last guy droned on for
20 minutes, you know?

And meanwhile, the whole house
is being destroyed!

Whoa, Morty, this guy's
entire planet was destroyed.

Have a little perspective.

Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro!

Aw! Squanchy!

Is there a good place for me
to squanch around here?

Squanchy, you can
squanch wherever you want, man.

Mi casa es su casa, dawg!

All right!
I like your squanch!

Uh, Rick, what exactly
is "squanching"?

Morty, listen...
we've had a lot

of really cool adventures
over the last year,

but it's time to relax.

Yeah, if I relax now,
there might not

even be any more adventures!

Jesus, Morty, you're
bumming me out.

Can't we just pretend like
everything's fine

for a few hours,
enjoy ourselves,

and then worry
about all this later?

Yeah, that's easy
for you to say, Rick.

You know, you like not
caring about stuff.

You know, wh-wh-what's
in this for me?

[ soft music plays ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

Jessica.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

I'm just trying to show off
my powers, bro!

I can't believe she's here.

Well, what are you
doing standing here, Morty?

Go. Talk to her.

Tonight, the only adventure
you're on

is your cusping manhood.

[ both laugh ]

Oh, Rose.

Whee!

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, every couple gets
to re-create Jack's drowning

at the end of the movie.

It's so romantic.

I can't wait to do
that with Beth.

I don't know, Jerry.
With all due respect...

it seems like your wife
may not be that interested.

[ gasps ] Look!

Iceberg, right ahead!
The buffet is now closed.

Uh, sir?
There's not a problem.

What do you mean
there's not a problem?

The guidance system
isn't putting us

on a direct collision course.

This ship is about to completely
miss the giant iceberg!

Well, do something!
Steer into it!

I'm trying!

It's too late.
Ladies and gentlemen...

don't brace yourselves.

- [ all gasping ]
- JERRY: No! What happened?!

WOMAN:
Their rail system must have failed.

[ indistinct murmuring ]

Totally gonna get laid tonight.

I like your feathers.

They are designed to attract
the attention of the female.

It's working.

Tammy, I should let you know

I just got out of a highly
intense soul bond

with my previous spirit mate.

I'm not looking to get
into a soul bond.

I'm just looking for...

I believe Birdperson can
arrange that.

Hey, Summer, haven't seen you
at flute practice in a while.

Summer, don't tell me
you're friends with her.

Are you kidding me?

I don't even know
what she's doing here.

Whoa. Not cool, Summer.
This is a party.

Everybody should be welcome.

[ crashes ]

Oh, great. Who invited
Abradolph Lincoler?

I thought everyone was welcome.

It's not the same, Summer.

Lincoler is a crazed maniac...

just a misguided effort
of mine to create

a morally neutral
superleader by combining

the DNA of Adolf Hitler
and Abraham Lincoln.

Turns out it [burps] just adds
up to a lame, weird loser.

Rick, you brought me
into this world,

a suffering abomination

tortured by the duality
of its being.

But I shall finally know peace

when I watch the life drain
from your wretched body!

Whoa. What's up, man?

I have no quarrel with you, boy.

"Boy"?
What's that supposed to mean?

It's just... l-look,

I-I don't know how you thought
I meant it, but...

Don't look at me, dude.

Look, I'm
half-Abraham Lincoln, so...

So I should get on my knees
and kiss your ass?!

Well, no, but...

You know?
- What do I know?

That the Third Reich will reign
for a thousand years?

- Leave him alone, Brad.
- Stay out of this, Jessica!

Kick his ass, Brad!
Kick his ass!

ALL:
Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Brad!

Stupid!
[ grunts ]

Rick!

I just did you a favor, Morty.

Sorry about all that.

Rick has some really
strange friends.

Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.

He's always trying to prove
what a man he is.

I just want to find somebody
nice and sweet.

Jessica, can I show
you something?

- Wow! Look at all this stuff.
- Yeah.

This is me and my grandpa Rick's
sci-fi workshop.

Check this out.

[ projector beeping ]

It's beautiful.

You know, Jessica,
there's something

I've always wanted to tell you.

- What's that, Morty?
- I think you're the most...

No, that...
those weird sounds

coming from the closet
over there.

[ closet rattling ]

- Oh, my god!
- Aah!

Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Oh, my god!
Oh, that is so disgusting!

Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

[ device warbling ]

[ warbling ]

[ all screaming ]

Huh.
Big star in the sky.

[ inhales sharply ]
Oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Giant testicle monsters.

We'll be fine! Let's party!

[ all cheering ]

♪ Just shake that ass, bitch,
and let me see whatcha got ♪

♪ Just shake that ass... ♪

SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty,
if it weren't for the fact

that everyone's still
having a blast in there,

I would be so furious
with you right now.

Oh, man.
Y-You hear that, Morty?

You really lucked out
with Summer o-on that one.

How are you guys not
freaking out right now?!

T-The whole house is sitting
in another dimension!

I-I mean, w-what the hell
are we supposed to do?!

M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna
kill us!

I'm losing it here, Rick!
- Relax, Morty, relax!

It's gonna be fine.

All we have to do is go out
and find us

some Kalaxian crystals.

[ detector beeping ]
Oh, shit, motherfucker!

Kalaxian crystals, Morty,

just a few miles south of here.

Okay. Let's go, then.

W-W-We got to go get those
crystals right now, Rick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Morty, l-I can't go with you.

I got to hang back

and make sure everything stays
cool here, you know?

I mean, who knows what... what
if somebody breaks something?

Yeah. Me too.
I should stay.

You guys have any aspirin?

Oh, hey, Morty, this is perfect!

You can take Lincoler with you.

Hey, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm injured.

Shut up, Lincoler.

It's the least you can do
for wrecking the living room.

Yeah! And, Nancy,
you should go, too.

What? Why... why me?

Because, uh, you're...

you're so good
at playing the flute.

CAPTAIN:
Sorry for the inconvenience, folks.

We should resume sinking shortly.

In the meantime, please,
stay on the ship

and enjoy a complimentary plate
of James Cameronion rings.

Great. Not only is
the ship not sinking,

but now the fourth wall
has been broken.

[ sighs ] I am gonna go back
to the room to finish my book.

You should find that Lucy woman.

But... but...

[ clears throat ]
You see, Jerry?

May I show you something?

Had everything gone as planned,

this entire area
would be underwater.

[ sighs ]
I would have liked to see it.

This trip has been a "Titanic"
failure.

Get it?
Ooh!

- Draw me, Jerry.
- Oh, boy.

Lucy, wow.

Uh, this isn't
what I had in mind.

But it's the perfect moment.

We've been dreaming
about this for 16 years.

Um, not like this.
Not... not with you.

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ gun cocks ]
You are gonna draw me.

Then you're going to fuck
me in that car over there.

It's weird,
'cause I definitely think

that all men are created equal.

But, at the same time...
- Okay!

Um, the crystals should be
really close.

There they are!

Wait.
Something's not right.

[ creature growls ]

[ screams ]

[ creature roars ]

Get the crystals!
I'll handle the beast!

Prepare to be emancipated from
your own inferior genes!

[ grunting ]

[ gasps ]
Summer's gonna like me again.

[ creature growling ]

[ grunts ]

Lincoler, come on!
Let's get out of here!

Mein journey is over, Morty.

[ groaning ] I have something
important to tell you.

♪ And the gears, they turned
for a thousand years ♪

♪ Until the dark day
that they stopped ♪

[ gasps ] Rick, I got them!

I got the crystals!

All right!
You did it, Morty.

Rick, wait! There's something
you need to know.

I couldn't have done it
without Lincoler.

He said that he was really sorry

and that he loves you
like a father.

He only wanted you
to accept him,

and he hopes that his final act

would redeem him in your eyes.

He sacrificed himself to save
all of us, Rick.

He died.

Well, at least
he didn't die in vain.

He got these crystals.

[ sniffs ]

And these babies just saved
this lame-ass party!

Wubba, lubba, dub, dub!

Play something.
S-Somebody, play something.

[ clicks ]
Wait a minute. What?

[ hip-hop music plays ]

♪ Put your right foot forward
and your left foot back ♪

♪ Then slide around like
on a Nordictrack ♪

♪ Move to the left.
Step to the right ♪

♪ Wiggle your elbows, and look
up into the light ♪

♪ It's the, it's the ♪

♪ It's the Rick dance ♪

♪ It's the, it's the ♪

♪ It's the Rick dance ♪

Slow Mobius, hit me
with the clock beam!

[ warbling ]

♪ It's the, it's the ♪

♪ It's the Rick dance ♪

That's the Rick dance!
All right!

[ burps ] Whoa, man!

[ all cheering ]

What the hell was that?!

I thought those crystals were
supposed to help us

get home or something!

What? No, no, no, I can get us home
whenever I want to.

But, listen, speaking of those
crystals, can I get the rest of them?

I'm starting to come down,
Morty.

Crystal Kalaxian is a really
strong, but fleeting high.

[ door slides open,
Morty grunts ]

That's what I think of your
crystals, Rick!

Oh, Morty, you idiot!

Does anybody else have
any more K-Lax?

B-Birdperson?
Uh, Squanchy?

Don't squaunch at me.

All right, everybody,
party is officially over!

Rick, take us home now.

All right, fine, Morty,
you party pooper buzzkill!

Boo, boo! Morty sucks!

Boo! You suck,
whatever your name is.

RICK:
Morty, you're the worst, Morty.

But these gears just
started turnin'.

LUCY:
Almost finished, Jerry?

Uh, almost.

I haven't quite captured
your beautiful eyes.

I'm sure it's good enough.
Move!

Every weekend,
Jacks and Roses have

their Titanic experience
in this car,

and I have to mop it up.

The floor drops out
to make it easier.

But now it's my turn.

We're going to get it nice
and steamy in there,

and I'm going to slam my hand
on the steam

and leave a nice handprint,

and then you're going to love
inside of me.

No mess. No clean.

[ grunts ]

Beth!

Bet you're glad I think
Kindles are dumb now.

BETH: I can't help
but feel a little guilty.

I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.

What does a rapist
look like exactly, Beth?

Is it a Slavic man
wearing a denim jacket

with a patchy beard
and the scent of cheap champagne

wafting over his
blister-pocked lips?

What?

Well, at least you got
all this free stuff.

Should be enough to satisfy your
Titanic Jones for a while.

[ grunts ] I'm not going to fit.

Beth, listen to me.
You're going to get outta here.

You're gonna go on, and...

Jerry, just leave the door.

It's not a door, Beth.
It's debris.

I don't care.
Just leave it.

Yeah. Okay.

[ laughs evilly ] "Cape Fear"!

"Cape Fear"!

I'm... I'm doing... I'm...
I'm going to do like

from "Cape Fear."

[ grunts, groans ]

[ moaning, screaming ]

SQUANCHY:
Hey, squanchers!

The party's squanching on
at my place!

[ all cheering ]

- Cool.
- I'm coming, too.

Uh, no.
You're not squanchy enough...

for a squanchy party.
- What?

Nancy told us
what a bitch you are.

Guys, seriously.
Nancy?

Summer, you're a bad person.

All you care about is having
popular people like you.

That's not what
Abradolph Lincoler stood for.

Well, i-it was hard to pin down
what he stood for,

but it's certainly not
what he died for.

Next time I party,
I'm just gonna focus

on getting totally wrecked.

You're so wise.

[ mumbles ]

May I assist you with that?

Uh, sure, yeah.
Thanks.

Morty, do you know what
"wubba lubba dub dub" means?

Uh, that's just Rick's
stupid nonsense catchphrase.

It's not nonsense at all.

In my people's tongue, it means,

"I am in great pain.
Please help me."

Well, I got news for you.
He's saying it ironically.

No, Morty.
Your grandfather is, indeed,

in very deep pain.

That is why he must numb
himself.

- Come on, um...
- Birdperson.

Come on, Birdperson.
Rick's not that complicated.

He's just a huge asshole.

Then why do you care so much
if you are no longer allowed

to continue on your adventures
together?

It appears fate has presented
you with an opportunity

to free yourself of Rick
forever.

You know what? You're right.
I shouldn't even care.

This is probably the best thing
that could have happened to me.

I'm sick of having adventures
with Rick.

My people have another saying...

"gubba nub nub doo rah
kah."

Lt means, "whatever lets you
sleep at night."

[ cellphone beeps ]
Guys, Mom and Dad are, like,

right around the corner.

This is your moment, Morty.
Choose wisely.

Tammy!

[ grunts ] Caw!

SUMMER:
Wow. We are so screwed.

- Rick, wake up.
- Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop.

Rick, you got to do
something quick.

My parents are home.
- [ groans ]

Uh, all... all right.
All right. Hold... hold on.

[ gulping ]

Ahh! So good.

Oh, my god. They're walking up
the driveway.

- Bring me the thing.
- What... what thing?

The thing. The thing.

It's got, like, buttons on it
and lights on it.

It... it... it beeps.
- Rick!

That describes everything
in your garage!

Do you mean this?

Summer for [burps] for the win.

All right, that should do it.

- Whoa! What did you do?
- Uh, s-see for yourself.

Whoa!

Yeah, e-everything's
frozen in time.

Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks
he's all that.

For how long?

I don't know.
How long do you guys want?

A week? A month?

Can we start cleaning the house
and see how we feel?

[ mid-tempo rock music plays ]

[ epic music plays]

- RICK: Worst movie ever.
- SUMMER: Dumb.

Ooh, boy, what a waste of time.

[ laughter ]

Get it?
You know, 'cause it's frozen.

This has been so much fun.

Hey, Rick.
You know, this whole time,

I haven't once
heard you say that

"wubba lubba dub dub" thing
that you usually say.

Don't need to.

I have [burps] a new
catchphrase.

Oh, yeah?
What... what's that, Rick?

- I love my grandkids.
- BOTH: Aww.

Psych! Just kidding...
my new catchphrase is,

"I don't give
a fuck!"

♪ Just shake that ass, bitch,
and let me see whatcha got ♪

♪ Just shake that ass, bitch,
and let me see what you got ♪

Roll credits!

♪ Just shake that a... ♪
Roll the credits! Go!

♪ Just shake that ass ♪
That's the end of season one!

That's the end, motherfucker!

"I don't give a fuck" is
my new catchphrase!

Fuck you!

That's season one! Boom!

Season one up in your face,
motherfucker!

Yeah!

Revenge.

What?!

MAN:
Party!

Whoo, baby!

LINCOLER: [ groans ]
Please, stop!

Hey, brah!

I don't understand.
Are you enjoying this?

Do you like this?

Yeah, you know it, dawg!

[ Lincoler retches ]

Whoo, baby!

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!