Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 4 - Parents' Day - full transcript

- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.

I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.

I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.

THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME

BACK WAS FOOD.

I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.

IT LASTED 17 YEARS.

I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.

I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.

MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.

I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.



MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY

FROM HOME.

EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,

AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.

NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.

NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.

- BRENDA, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY PANTS PURSE?

- WHAT?
- HUH?

- OH, NEVER MIND.

I JUST FOUND IT.

- OH,
HEY, GREAT PURSE.

THEY'RE REALLY IN NOW.

- YEAH,
I MADE IT MYSELF, KID.

- YEAH?



- YEAH,
OUT OF AN OLD PAIR OF JEANS.

YEAH, THE FIRST TIME IN MY
LIFE I HAVE A PURSE BIG ENOUGH

TO HOLD ALL MY JUNK,
INCLUDING MY HIPS.

- HEY,
UH, MAYBE I'LL MAKE SOMETHING

OUT OF A PAIR OF MY PANTS.

A JEANS BEDSPREAD.

[DOOR BUZZER]

- YEAH?

- THAT'S NO WAY TO
TALK TO YOUR MOTHER.

- OH, MA.
IS THAT YOU?

- YES,
I WAS JUST DOWNTOWN SHOPPING

AND I HAPPENED TO PASS BY
YOUR LOBBY AND I THOUGHT I'D

SAY HELLO.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

- IS RHODA THERE?
- NO, NO, NO, NO.

- YES, SHE IS.

- LISTEN, RHODA, WHILE I WAS
SHOPPING, I FOUND PANTYHOSE

ON SALE, SO I GOT YOU
A COUPLE OF DOZEN PAIR.

- A COUPLE OF DOZEN PAIR?

THE ROCKETTES DON'T
USE THAT MUCH.

MA, THEY'LL LAST ME 3 YEARS.

- NO, THEY WON'T.
THEY'RE SECONDS.

BUT ALL THE FLAWS ARE WHERE NO
ONE WILL SEE THEM, GOD WILLING.

- HEY,
UH, MA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT

WE'RE DOING?

- YEAH, HAVING
A NICE LITTLE CHAT.

- YEAH, BUT THIS
ISN'T A TELEPHONE.

YOU SEE, YOU'RE ONLY
2 FLIGHTS AWAY.

COME ON UP, WE'LL
TALK IN PERSON.

- WELL,
MAYBE JUST FOR A CUP OF TEA.

- GEE,
I THINK WE'RE OUT OF TEA.

- I BROUGHT SOME.
I'LL BE RIGHT UP.

- HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S MA DOING HERE
AT 7:30 AT NIGHT?

- SHE'S COMING
HERE TO MEET JOE?

HOW IS IT SHE KNOWS I HAVE A
DATE WITH JOE TONIGHT, BRENDA?

BRENDA, YA DIDN'T.

- OH, RHO.
I HAD TO TELL HER.

SHE KEPT SHOVING DOUGHNUTS
DOWN MY THROAT UNTIL I TALKED.

- YOU SQUEALED ON ME
FOR A COUPLE OF DOUGHNUTS?

- THEY WERE
JELLY DOUGHNUTS, RHO.

- OH, OK,
I UNDERSTAND.

LISTEN, NO HARM DONE, BECAUSE
I'M NOT MEETING JOE HERE.

I'M MEETING HIM
AT SHEA STADIUM.

- OH, NO.

MA'S GONNA KILL ME.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE'S BEEN
TRYING TO MEET JOE, EVEN GET

A GLIMPSE OF HIM.

- DO I KNOW?

EVERY TIME I WALK OUT OF HERE,
I CHECK THE ROOFTOPS.

- YEAH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- HELLO, MY DARLINGS.

- HIYA, MA.
HOW ARE YA?

- WELL, I'VE HAD THIS
SPLITTING HEADACHE ALL DAY,

AND A LITTLE TOUCH OF
NEURALGIA, AND THIS KIND

OF TINGLY SENSATION IN MY LEG.

- SO,
YOU'RE FEELING GOOD?

- I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

SO, WHERE'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME?

- JOE?

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S HARD TO REMEMBER A NAME
WITHOUT A FACE TO GO WITH IT.

- YOU'LL MEET HIM, MA.
YOU'LL MEET HIM.

- OH, GOOD.

WHAT TIME IS HE
PICKING YOU UP?

- HE'S NOT.

HE'S WAITING FOR
ME AT THE GAME.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID--

- I SAID THAT SHE HAD A DATE.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT HE
WAS PICKING HER UP HERE.

- OH.

- HEY,
YOU'RE RUBBING TOO HARD.

I'M GONNA END UP
LOOKING LIKE KOJAK.

- I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GUYS
WHO USED TO PICK GIRLS UP?

- OH, THEY'RE STILL AROUND.

THEY'RE CALLED MARRIED MEN.

- IT'S FUNNY, BUT I KNOW ALL
THE BOYS THAT BRENDA DATES.

- THEY'RE ALL SECOND COUSINS.

- LISTEN, MA,
PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT,
YOU'LL MEET JOE.

BUT IF I DON'T GET TO THE
STADIUM ON TIME, HE GOES

IN WITHOUT ME.
REALLY.

LAST TIME I WAS LATE FOR A
GAME, I SPENT THE ENTIRE GAME

IN THE LOST AND FOUND...
WITH 3 JAPANESE TOURISTS

AND AN UMBRELLA.

- OK,
OK, BUT LISTEN.

ANSWER ME ONE QUESTION.

- SURE.

- WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING
ALL OF THOSE COSMETICS

IN YOUR PANTS FOR?

- THIS? MA, IT'S A PURSE,
IT'S THE LATEST THING.

IT'S A PURSE,
MADE OUT OF JEANS.

- HEY,
THAT'S VERY CUTE.

I THINK I'LL GET ONE.

YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO NOTICE
IF IT COMES IN BLACK PATENT

LEATHER, DID YOU?

- I'M SURE IT DOES, MA.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY TO CUT
OUR LITTLE VISIT SHORT,

BUT I GOTTA GO.

- THAT'S OK, I'LL GO WITH YA.

- YEAH, FINE.
I'LL SEE YA.

- I'LL BET THEY'RE
SECRETLY MARRIED.

- IDA.

IDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M VACUUMING THE RUG.

- OF COURSE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO VACUUM
THE RUG AT 2:00

IN THE MORNING?

- LISTEN, MARTIN,
I CAN'T HELP IT.

WHEN SOME PEOPLE ARE
UPSET, THEY DRINK.

I CLEAN.

- THE SAME DIRT IS GONNA
BE THERE AT 10:00

IN THE MORNING.

SWEETHEART, EVEN
DIRT DESERVES A REST.

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA TALK
OVER THE VACUUM CLEANER.

[SLOWLY WHIRRING]

ALL RIGHT, NOW WHAT'S WRONG?

- IT'S RHODA.

- UGH.

- WHY WON'T SHE
LET ME SEE JOE?

WHY IS SHE HIDING
HIM FROM ME?

- MAYBE SHE'S AFRAID
YOU'LL CLEAN HIM.

- MARTIN, THERE'S A TIME FOR
FUN AND A TIME FOR SERIOUS.

- HONEY, 2:00 IN
THE MORNING IS A TIME

FOR SLEEPING.

- LISTEN, THIS JOE OWNS
A DEMOLITION COMPANY

WITH A PARTNER, RIGHT?

HE'S BEEN MARRIED 11 1/2 YEARS,
DIVORCED FOR 2,

HAS A 10-YEAR-OLD
SON NAMED DONNIE.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT HIM?

- IDA,
SWEETHEART, LISTEN.

IT'S A BIG THING WHEN
A DAUGHTER BRINGS HOME

A BOYFRIEND TO
MEET THEIR PARENTS.

BELIEVE ME, SHE'LL COME
TO YOU WHEN SHE'S READY.

RHODA'S A GOOD DAUGHTER.

SHE RESPECTS YOU.

TELL ME, HAS SHE EVER
DISAPPOINTED YOU?

- MARTIN, YOU ARE VERY
TIRED, AREN'T YOU?

- IDA, COME TO BED.

COME ON, COME ON.

- OK.

AS SOON AS I PUT THIS AWAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

AND IN THE MEANTIME, I'LL, UH,
WARM UP YOUR SIDE OF THE BED.

- YOU GONNA TURN UP
THE ELECTRIC BLANKET?

- NO.

- MARTIN, IT ISN'T
EVEN SATURDAY.

- HEY!

NOBODY CAN KNOCK DOWN
A 12-STORY BUILDING

FOR THAT FIGURE.

WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE
LEOPOLD BROTHERS' ESTIMATE IS.

AS MUCH AS I RESPECT TONY
LEOPOLD, IT CAN'T BE DONE!

TONY LEOPOLD SAID
WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHY, THAT STUPID ANIMAL.

HEY, THAT BID IS
THE BEST WE CAN DO.

YOU TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M MAD!

HIYA, BABE.

- I THINK I MISSED
SOMETHING HERE.

THE PART WHERE THEY
THREW COLD WATER ON YOU.

- HEY, LISTEN, I GOTTA
GO TO THE BRONX.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ALONG AND
WE'LL GRAB SOME LUNCH, HUH?

- YEAH,
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

BUT WHY THE BRONX?

- I GOT A LADY, SHE WANTS
AN ESTIMATE ON KNOCKING DOWN

A BUILDING.

- OH, YEAH?
WHERE IN THE BRONX?

- UH,
GRAND CONCOURSE.

- AW, NO KIDDING.

MY FOLKS LIVE ON THE OLD GC.
WHAT NUMBER?

- 3517.

- THAT'S THE SAME BUILDING
MY PARENTS LIVE IN.

WHAT'S THE LADY'S NAME?

- NESSEL.

IDA NESSEL.

- I SEE IT, I SEE IT.

THAT'S NOT ONLY THE SAME
BUILDING, JOE, THAT'S THE SAME

MOTHER, USING HER MAIDEN NAME.

IDA NESSEL.

MASTER OF INTRIGUE.

BOY, SHE STOPS AT NOTHING
JUST TO FIND OUT ABOUT YOU.

- YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT WAS
FUNNY WHEN SHE SAID TO PUT MY

RELIGION ON THE ESTIMATE.

- OH, NO.

THAT'S ONLY
THE BEGINNING, JOE.

SHE'LL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT
YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR DIVORCE

AND YOUR KID, AND, MOST OF
ALL, WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE

TOWARD ME.

- SO? WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THAT?

- I DON'T WANT HER
TO KNOW BEFORE I DO.

- HEY,
LOOK, RHODA, IF YOUR PARENTS

WANT TO MEET ME,
THEN I'LL MEET THEM.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

- WAIT, NO.

WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE
ISN'T JUST MEETING MY PARENTS.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
MEETING MY MOTHER.

- LOOK, IF I DON'T MIND,
WHY SHOULD YOU?

- YEAH, WELL, LISTEN,

MY PARENTS ARE REALLY
WONDERFUL PEOPLE, JOE.

WE'LL MEET THEM.

WE'LL HAVE A ROTTEN TIME
AND EVERYBODY WILL BE HAPPY.

- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

MY FOLKS SAID THEY
WANT TO MEET YOU.

OH, DID YOU TELL
THEM ABOUT US?

WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM?

- EVERYTHING.

- OH,
I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THAT FAR.

- HEY, LISTEN.

WHY DON'T WE DO IT
ALL IN ONE DAY?

HMM?

I'LL MEET YOUR FOLKS,
YOU'LL MEET MINE.

- FOUR PARENTS IN ONE DAY.

EVEL KNIEVEL WOULDN'T TRY
A STUNT LIKE THAT.

- HEY,
IT'S EITHER THAT, OR I'VE GOT

TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER ABOUT
KNOCKING DOWN A PERFECTLY

GOOD BUILDING.

- HEH HEH HEH.

OK, JOE, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL HAVE LUNCH
WITH YOUR PARENTS AND DINNER

WITH MINE, OK?

- YOU GO AHEAD.

- I'M GONNA CALL
HER RIGHT NOW.

- OK. THAT'S FINE.

- YEAH.
- I'VE GOTTA WASH UP.

- OK.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[SLOWLY WHIRRING]

- HELLO?

- [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
HELLO, IDA NESSEL?

- WHO IS THIS?

- UH,
THIS IS IDA NESSEL'S DAUGHTER,

[NORMAL VOICE]
RHODA MORGENSTERN.

I AM CALLING FROM
THE DEMOLITION COMPANY.

- THAT WASN'T NICE, RHODA.

- OK,
I'LL DO SOMETHING NICE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE JOE
AND ME FOR DINNER ONE NIGHT

THIS WEEK?

- I THINK I COULD
SQUEEZE YOU IN.

- WELL, THAT
WOULD BE FINE, MA.

WHAT NIGHT'S GOOD FOR YOU?

- MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY.

- HOW ABOUT SATURDAY?

HEY, JOE!

HOW'S SATURDAY FOR YOU?

- FINE!

- SAY,
HE SOUNDS REAL NICE.

- NOW,
MA, LISTEN TO ME.

WE'RE ONLY COMING
ON ONE CONDITION.

THAT YOU DON'T MAKE A FUSS.

- RHODA,
WHEN DO I EVER MAKE A FUSS?

- PLEASE.

WHAT ABOUT THE TIME
I BROUGHT DANNY BROWNELL HOME?

YOU HAD $15 WORTH OF COLD
CUTS AND A CAKE THAT SAID

"WELCOME, DANNY."

REMEMBER?

AND HE JUST CAME
TO DO HOMEWORK.

SO, MA, I'M BEGGING YOU HERE,
PLEASE, DON'T MAKE A FUSS.

- I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

A MOTHER'S WORD.

- OK.

- ALL SET?

- YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A LUAU.

A KOSHER LUAU.

- RHODA, WILL YOU
CALM DOWN, PLEASE?

I MEAN,
YOU'RE JUST MEETING MY

PARENTS, YOU'RE NOT
BEING JUDGED TODAY.

- WELL, I KNOW I'M
NOT BEING JUDGED.

I ALSO KNOW WHY THEY'RE LATE.

THEY WANT TO SEE HOW
I HOLD UP TO PRESSURE.

NOT WELL.

GEE, I SHOULD
HAVE WORE BLACK.

BLACK IS HUMBLE.

OH, LOOK AT ALL THESE CRUMBS.

LOOK WHAT I DID.

YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA
THINK I'M A SLOB.

OH.

OH, JOE, IF THEY
DON'T LIKE ME--

- THEY'LL LIKE YOU.

- I KNOW!

- YOU'RE NERVOUS NOW.

TONIGHT, WITH YOUR PARENTS,
YOU'RE GONNA FEEL

A LOT BETTER.

- NO,
TONIGHT I WILL GO WAY PAST

NERVOUS, RIGHT INTO PANIC.

- OH,
HERE THEY ARE.

- THEY'RE HERE?

- HELLO, MA.
- HELLO, JOE.

- OH, SO NICE--
- HI, DAD.

- JOEY BOY.

- MOTHER, FATHER,
RHODA MORGENSTERN.

- HELLO, HOW ARE YA?

LOOK AT THAT.

HA HA HA.

WHERE ARE PIGEONS WHEN
YOU REALLY NEED THEM?

NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT'S REALLY A PLEASURE.

- RUTH.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

- OH,
IT'S SO GOOD AT LAST.

- IT'S TERRIFIC
TO MEET YOU, SIR.

IT'S TERRIFIC TO MEET
BOTH OF YOU--OH, I MET YOU.

HA HA.
SO SILLY.

IT REALLY IS TERRIFIC.

OOPS.

- OH, MY PURSE.

THESE BEADS. YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE ROUGH ON YOU.

- YES,
I KNOW, I KNOW.

- VERY PRETTY.

VERY PRETTY, JOE.

- I TOLD YOU SO.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU ONLY
TOLD ME SHE WAS PRETTY.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
SHE WAS THIS PRETTY.

- WELL,
IF I TOLD YOU SHE WAS THIS

PRETTY, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE BELIEVED ME.

- YOU COULD'VE SAID GORGEOUS.

- OH,
COME ON, YOU TWO.

YOU'LL EMBARRASS RHODA.

- NAH. IF THEY'RE TRYING
TO EMBARRASS ME,

THEY'RE ON THE WRONG TRACK.

YOU WERE SAYING--GORGEOUS,
UH...

- YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

- LET'S DRINK TO THAT.

- WELL,
JOE WAS ONLY 6 YEARS OLD

AND HE WAS JUST
LEARNING TO WATER SKI,

AND HE KEPT FALLING
DOWN--EASY.

BUT HE FINALLY GRABBED HOLD OF
THE ROPE, THE BOAT TOOK OFF,

AND LITTLE JOEY STOOD
UP ON THOSE SKIS.

OH, HE WAS REAL PROUD.

IT WAS ALL RIGHT, EXCEPT
FOR ONE THING WENT WRONG.

HIS TRUNKS WERE DOWN
AROUND HIS ANKLES.

[LAUGHTER]

- I WAS THE FIRST ONE
TO STREAK ON WATER.

- DID YOU EVER
WATER SKI, RHODA?

- WELL, NOT QUITE.

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, WE USED
TO OPEN THE HYDRANT

AND THEN JUST
ROLLER SKATE THROUGH.

I LIKE YOUR
CHILDHOOD BETTER.

- RHODA,
I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS HAVE

STORIES ABOUT YOU, TOO.

- OH,
SURE THEY DO, BUT NOT

LIKE YOURS.

MY MOTHER'S BIG STORY IS
THE TIME I WET MY PANTS WHEN

I PLAYED A SALT SHAKER
IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.

[LAUGHTER]

- OH, RHODA.

YOU'RE MARVELOUS.

- SHE'S VERY
FUNNY, JOE.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE KIND OF
GIRL HE USUALLY BRINGS AROUND.

- OH, YEAH.

I'M SORRY I MISSED THAT.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
THE FINISHING SCHOOL TYPE.

ALWAYS SO CHIC AND WELL-
TAILORED, WHO ARE ALWAYS INTO

SOME KIND OF THERAPY.

- PAUL, YOU'VE
JUST DESCRIBED ME.

- LISTEN, I THINK
YOU SOUNDED GREAT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANT TO TELL

BOTH OF YOU.

I WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THIS
MEETING, BUT I AM HAVING

THE GREATEST TIME.

- WELL, SO ARE WE.
- OH, GOOD.

- YEAH, I MEAN,

THIS IS THE FIRST MEAL I'VE
EVER HAD WITH PARENTS WHERE

I WASN'T TOLD
TO FINISH MY VEGETABLES.

- EVERYTHING ALL
RIGHT, MR. GERARD?

- OH,
JUST GREAT, MAURICE, THANKS.

I STILL SAY YOU SERVE
THE BEST SEAFOOD IN TOWN.

- IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THE VEGETABLES?

- OH, NO, NO, NO.

I'M GONNA FINISH THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

- OH,
RHODA, YOU'RE UNIQUE.

- IS HE THE OWNER?

- YES. WHY?

- WOW!

I MEAN,
THE CLOSEST I EVER CAME TO

KNOWING THE OWNER OF A
RESTAURANT WAS THIS MANAGER

OF A JACK IN THE BOX.

HE KEPT SAYING IF I'D GO
TO HIS APARTMENT WITH HIM,

HE'D TELL ME WHAT WAS
IN THE SECRET SAUCE.

- JACK IN THE BOX.

IS THAT A NEW DISCOTHEQUE?

- IS THAT A NEW DISCOTHEQUE?

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

- IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO SEE
A COUPLE ENJOY ONE ANOTHER

AS MUCH AS YOU TWO DO.

REALLY, MR. GERARD.

MRS. GERARD?

- OH, MAGINNESS.
- PARDON?

- MY NAME IS MAGINNESS,
NOT GERARD.

- OH.
BUT I DON'T--WHAT?

- PAUL AND I HAVE BEEN
DIVORCED FOR 12 YEARS.

- 12 WONDERFUL YEARS.

- WELL, TWO DOWN,
TWO TO GO, RIGHT?

SOMEHOW, I WISH
THE TWO'S WERE REVERSED.

- WHAT ARE YOU SO EDGY ABOUT?

- OH,
JOE, MY MOTHER.

OY.

YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO SEE
A CHARTERED BUS OUT FRONT

THAT SAID "MORGENSTERN
PARTY," DID YOU?

- NO,
AND THERE WERE NO SEARCHLIGHTS

OUT THERE, EITHER.

- LOOK,
WHEN YOU MEET MY PARENTS,

IF IT SEEMS LIKE THEY DON'T
GET ALONG AS WELL AS YOURS,

IT'S BECAUSE
THEY'RE NOT DIVORCED.

- HELLO, RHODA.

AND YOU MUST BE JOE.

- IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT.

I NEVER SAW HER
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

[DOOR BUZZER]

- GOODNESS, IS IT TONIGHT?

- YEAH, MA, TONIGHT.

- OH,
AND YOU MUST BE JOE.

- HIYA,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.

LISTEN, IF IT'S NOT TONIGHT--

- NO, NO, NO.

COME ON IN, NOW THAT YOU'RE
HERE, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO

TAKE POTLUCK.

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY
WELL TONIGHT, RHODA.

- THANKS, MA.

- YES, LOVELY.

- OH, HONEY.

- OH, POP.

- IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- HOW ARE YA?

I WANT YOU TO MEET JOE.

THIS IS MY FATHER.

- HI, MR. MORGENSTERN.

- PLEASE, NOT MORGENSTERN.

CALL ME MARTIN.

- MARTIN.

- I HOPE YOU'LL
FORGIVE THIS DISARRAY.

THE APARTMENT IS SUCH A MESS.

- A MESS.

2 NEWSPAPERS?

- I HAD TO GO BUY THOSE TO
MAKE THE HOUSE LOOK LIVED IN.

- JOE,
MA IS SO NEAT.

WE NEVER HAD A MORNING AND
EVENING NEWSPAPER IN THE HOUSE

AT THE SAME TIME.

- HA HA HA.

- IT'S AN ATTRACTIVE
PLACE YOU HAVE HERE.

- OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT, MA.
WHAT IS IT?

- NO, THERE'S NOTHING
DIFFERENT, RHODA. NOTHING.

- YEAH,
SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.

- NO, NOTHING.
NOTHING, RHODA. NOTHING.

- SOMETHING IS
DEFINITELY DIFFERENT, MA.

NOW, I JUST CAN'T--
THE PLASTIC!

THE PLASTIC IS
OFF THE FURNITURE.

AND IT'S OFF THE LAMPS.

AND IT'S OFF POP.

I THOUGHT IF FELT STRANGE THAT
THE BACK OF MY THIGHS DIDN'T

STICK TO THE CUSHION.

- WHAT SHE MEANS IS THAT
WE HAD TO PUT PLASTIC

ON THE FURNITURE WHEN SHE
WAS A LITTLE GIRL BECAUSE SHE

ALWAYS GOT HER HANDS SO DIRTY.

- AND NOW THAT SHE'S
A BIG GIRL, WE KEEP IT

ON FOR SENTIMENTAL REASONS.

- HA HA HA.

YEAH, WE NEVER HAD THAT
COUCH REUPHOLSTERED.

WE JUST HAD IT VULCANIZED.

- HA HA HA.

- DOESN'T SHE HAVE
A LOVELY SENSE OF HUMOR?

SHE GETS THAT FROM HER FATHER.

I BET THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST
THINGS THAT ATTRACTED YOU TO

HER, RIGHT, JOE?

- WELL, THAT AND
SOME OTHER THINGS.

- OH, HA HA.

WELL, THE, UH, SOME OTHER
THINGS SHE GOT FROM ME.

- SUPPOSE I FIX
SOME DRINKS, HUH?

- OH, GOOD.

AND I'LL GO AND TRY AND FIND
US A FEW THINGS TO NIBBLE ON.

- JOE?

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

- OH, A SCOTCH
AND WATER IS FINE WITH ME.

- AND RHODA?

YOUR USUAL,
THE WEIGHT WATCHER'S COLA?

- NAH,
POP, LET'S LIVE IT UP TONIGHT.

I'LL HAVE REGULAR COLA.

- REGULAR COLA COMING UP.

- YOU SEE?

YOU HAD NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOUR MOTHER'S CHARMING,
AND SHE'S VERY NATURAL.

- NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW YET, JOE.

SEE, I HAVEN'T FIGURED
OUT HER GAME PLAN.

- THERE.

MA, I CAN
UNDERSTAND THE DRESS.

I CAN UNDERSTAND
THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

BUT WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME
TO GET TO THE FLORIST?

- IDA, DON'T
WE HAVE SOME MORE SCOTCH?

- OH, I'M SORRY,
I THINK WE MUST BE OUT.

BUT SURELY WE HAVE
SOMETHING TO DRINK.

OH, AREN'T WE LUCKY?

WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE ON ICE.

MARTIN, WILL YOU
DO THE HONORS?

- THE LAST TIME WE HAD
CHAMPAGNE IN THIS HOUSE WAS

FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION.

- THAT WAS LEFT OVER.

- OH, I SEE.

THEN THAT
EXPLAINS THE CORSAGE.

- MARTIN, I THINK WE OUGHT
TO HAVE A LITTLE TOAST.

- WHAT TOAST?

THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

IDA, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.

WE DON'T NEED A TOAST.

- MARTIN, THIS IS
A SPECIAL OCCASION.

- MA,
DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL.

- IT IS A BIG DEAL.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME JOE HAS
BEEN HERE, AND I THINK WE

OUGHT TO HAVE
A VERY SPECIAL TOAST.

- IDA--
- MARTIN.

- ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S TO PERMANENT PEACE
IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

- OH.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

- WHAT NOISE?

- THAT.

THAT QUIET.

I NEVER HEARD IT
BEFORE IN THIS HOUSE.

- MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
THE PLASTIC'S NOT

CRACKLING ANYMORE.

- POP,
IT'S NOT JUST THAT.

IT'S MA.

SHE'S NOT TALKING.

SURELY YOU HAVE
SOME QUESTIONS?

- YOU KNOW ME.

I LIKE TO LISTEN.

- OK, THAT DOES IT.

THAT'S IT.

JOE, THIS WOMAN, SITTING
ON THIS COUCH HERE,

IS AN IMPOSTER.

SHE'S NOT MY REAL MOTHER.

NOW, MA,
ALL I SAID WAS

DON'T MAKE A FUSS,
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT YOU

SHOULDN'T BE YOURSELF.

COME ON, I LOVE YOU
THE WAY YOU ARE.

I MEAN THE WAY YOU WERE.

SO, THAT'S THE WOMAN
I WANT JOE TO MEET, HUH?

- OK.

JOE, LET ME ASK YOU.

WHAT WENT WRONG WITH
YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE?

- WELL, I--

- YOU HAVE A SON DONNIE, RIGHT?

DOES HE LIVE
WITH YOU OR YOUR EX?

- HERE SHE COMES.

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THE REST OF YOU,

BUT I SAY WE TALK ABOUT
THIS OVER DINNER.

I'M STARVED.

- I'LL VOTE FOR THAT.

- SINCE WHEN DO
YOU GET A VOTE?

I'LL DECIDE.

- AH, JOE, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE MY MOTHER.

- AND AS HER MOTHER, I
SAY IT'S TIME FOR DINNER.

LISTEN, JOE, YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE US, BUT RHODA TOLD ME

NOT TO MAKE A FUSS, ALL RIGHT?

SO WE'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE
DO WITH WHAT WE HAVE.

- WOW, WHAT A TABLE.

- YEAH,
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO

MIGHT DROP IN.

[DOOR BUZZER]

- OH. OH.

HERE THEY ARE!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
THANKS, POP.

- REALLY. THANK YOU.
- IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- MA, THANKS.

HEY, IT WAS A NICE EVENING.

- GOOD.

- YOU KNOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE, I DIDN'T MIND WHEN

UNCLE JACK SANG
"LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

- WE ALL HAD A GOOD TIME.

JOE, IT WAS
A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

- THANKS, MARTIN.

AND I WANT YOU BOTH TO KNOW
THAT TONIGHT WAS REALLY

SPECIAL FOR ME.

I MEAN,
YOU BOTH MADE ME FEEL,

UH, A PART OF THE FAMILY.

- JOE, LISTEN.

I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE TO BE
A PART OF THE FAMILY ANYTIME.

ANYTIME.

- OK,
OK, BREAK IT UP.

I THINK IT'S TIME, JOE.

YES.

GOOD NIGHT, YOU TWO.
I KNOW, I KNOW.

- KIDS,
TAKE IT EASY.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD TO SEE YA.

- HE'S A NICE GUY, HUH?

- YEAH.

- TELL ME
SOMETHING, IDA.

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T ASK
IF HE WAS JEWISH?

- IF HE WAS JEWISH,
I WOULD'VE ASKED.

- DOES, UH...DOES
THAT UPSET YOU?

- YEAH,
A LITTLE, BUT I'LL BE ALL

RIGHT IN A MINUTE.

[VACUUM WHIRRING]