Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 21 - Chest Pains - full transcript
Ida wants to convene a family meeting. Rhoda, the first to be informed, knows the news must be big since they have only had three family meetings in their lives, all around big news. Ida refuses to divulge the topic of the meeting until the actual get together. Rhoda passes the news to Brenda, who was incapacitated at the time Ida called. She was on a date with her current boyfriend Vince, who wants to take their relationship to the consummated stage, which Brenda is not sure she wants. When Rhoda and Brenda attend the meeting, they are worried since their father is not there. Ida tells them it's because she doesn't want him to hear her news: that she has not been feeling well, most specifically that she has been having chest pains. Ida has not been to a doctor, as she has always been scared about visiting doctors. Rhoda and Brenda convince her to do so as they will go along with her and be with her every step of the way, for good or bad. Regardless of the results, the process ends up affecting Ida's relationship with her daughters, especially in how Brenda deals with Vince.
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- HELLO?
OH, HIYA, MA.
YEAH, JOE'S STILL OUT OF TOWN.
SO, WHAT'S UP?
NO KIDDING.
REALLY? YOU CALLED
A FAMILY MEETING?
IT MUST BE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT.
I REMEMBER ONLY THREE OTHER
FAMILY MEETINGS YOU'VE CALLED.
ONE WAS WHEN I MOVED TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHEN I GOT
MARRIED, AND WHEN MARTIN
AND LEWIS SPLIT UP.
SURE, SURE, I'LL TELL BRENDA.
YEAH. BUT, MA--
WAIT A MINUTE,
D--DON'T HANG UP.
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME
HERE NOT KNOWING WHAT
THE MEETING'S ABOUT.
I'M NOT GOING TO WAIT
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
MA.
NO, NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO RUN.
BECAUSE WHERE WOULD YOU BE
RUNNING AT 8:00 IN THE EVENING?
MA, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
AN EMERGENCY MAH JONG GAME.
MA, DON'T SAY GOOD-BYE.
- LISTEN, I WANT TO KNOW--
[CLICK]
I MEAN,
WHY LUG YOUR ACCORDION ALL
THE WAY HERE WHEN I CAN JUST PUT
ON SOME RECORDS OR SOMETHING?
- WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD TURN YOU ON.
[PLAYING ACCORDION]
- VINCE?
VINCE? VINCE!
VINCE, I WAS HOPING, UH,
TONIGHT WE WOULDN'T GET INTO
THAT AREA OF CONFLICT WE'VE
BEEN GETTING INTO LATELY.
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT
FEELING WHAT I'M FEELING.
I'M DYING FROM WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TO ME.
- VINCE, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
TALK ABOUT IT SO MUCH.
I MEAN,
MAYBE IT SHOULD BE MORE,
YOU KNOW, SPONTANEOUS.
- RIGHT.
FROM NOW ON IT'LL
BE SPONTANEOUS.
- VINCE, DON'T
UNBUCKLE YOUR ACCORDION.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I MEAN,
I--I WON'T GO ALL THE WAY.
I WON'T UNBUCKLE IT, I'LL...
I'LL JUST UNSTRAP.
- VINCE, MAYBE
TOMORROW NIGHT.
- FOR SURE?
- IF IT'S SPONTANEOUS.
- IT WILL BE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA?
- YEAH?
- UH, ARE YOU BUSY?
- UH, NO.
WE WERE JUST ABOUT
TO CALL IT A WRAP.
- OH, I'M SORRY, I'LL
COME BACK LATER, BREN.
- NO,
NO, IT'S OK, RHO.
COME ON IN.
- YEAH?
OH, LISTEN, I DON'T
MEAN TO INTERRUPT.
BUSTING IN ON YOU AND, UH...
- VINCE.
- HEY,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IF ANYTHING WAS REALLY GOING
ON, WE WOULDN'T HAVE HEARD
THE KNOCK, HUH?
- MM-HMM. I SEE.
- YOU'VE GOT A GREAT
LITTLE SISTER, HERE.
- YEAH.
- HMM. YOU'RE
PRETTY FOXY YOURSELF.
- THANKS.
SHOWS HOW LONG
I'VE BEEN AROUND.
FROM DOGGIE TO FOXY.
- TOMORROW NIGHT, BABY.
IT'S GOING TO BE AN
IMPORTANT NIGHT FOR US.
WE'RE GOING TO BE...SPONTANEOUS.
THE EARTH WILL MOVE.
THE SKY WILL OPEN...
AND I'LL BRING SOME RIBS.
- GEE, UH, BREN, I'M SORRY,
I REALLY AM.
I MEAN,
I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME DOWN,
BUT YOUR PHONE HAS BEEN
BUSY FOR OVER AN HOUR.
- OH, NO,
RHO, IT'S OK, REALLY.
YOUR TIMING WAS GREAT.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
- YOU SEE,
THERE'S THIS DECISION THAT
VINCE WANTS ME TO
MAKE UP MY MIND ABOUT.
- OH, THAT DECISION.
- YEAH.
YEAH. HE WANTS TO BE...
MORE INTIMATE.
I KEEP TELLING HIM I HAVE
TO KNOW A GUY FOR A WHILE.
I MEAN,
I JUST CAN'T SEE HIM A COUPLE
OF TIMES, I HAVE TO
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.
- THAT'S TRUE.
- YEAH.
- AND I TOLD HIM THERE ARE
A CERTAIN NUMBER OF DATES YOU
SHOULD HAVE BEFORE YOU EVEN
CONSIDER DOING "INTIMATE."
- RIGHT. HOW MANY DATES
DID YOU TELL HIM?
- 14.
- GOOD. THAT'S GOOD, YEAH.
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
- WELL,
THAT WAS 2 WEEKS AGO, AND HE'S
BEEN UP HERE
EVERY NIGHT SINCE.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO.
- BRENDA, BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY
DECISION AT ALL, I GOT TO
ASK YOU ONE QUESTION.
DO YOU REALLY,
REALLY LIKE VINCE?
- DON'T YOU?
- UH,
WELL, THAT'S NOT AN ISSUE HERE.
- YOU LIKE THIS GUY?
- YEAH. I LIKE HIM.
- YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?
- BRENDA, I JUST WANT TO
MAKE SURE THAT YOU LIKE HIM.
THAT'S ALL.
MY OPINION OF A GUY WHO
BRINGS AN ACCORDION ON A DATE
IS UNIMPORTANT.
- RHODA, COME ON.
I MEAN,
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO SAY
"NO" TO A GUY LIKE VINCE.
HE'S SO MAGNETIC.
- THIS VINCE?
THIS GUY?
THAT WAS JUST HERE?
- YEAH.
- MAGNETIC?
- YEAH.
- I MEAN,
HOW OFTEN DOES A GUY LIKE
VINCE MAZUMA COME ALONG?
- EVERY 3 SECONDS.
- ALL RIGHT, RHODA.
OK, I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
[HUMMING]
I'M GOING TO SEE HIM.
- WAIT. BRENDA, YOU CAN'T.
- WHY?
- MA CALLED.
- THERE IS A FAMILY MEETING
SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
- OH,
A FAMILY MEETING, HUH?
OH, SHE PROBABLY
COULDN'T GET ME.
MY PHONE'S BEEN OFF THE HOOK.
WELL, I GOT TO CALL HER,
BECAUSE I CAN'T GO.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- DIRECT DIALING.
- HELLO, MA?
YEAH, LISTEN, I WAS
GOING TO CALL YOU.
UH, CAN YOU SWITCH
THE MEETING TOMORROW NIGHT?
BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE IT.
BECAUSE I HAVE
A VERY IMPORTANT DATE.
MA, THE ISSUE IS NOT WHETHER
SOME GUY MEANS MORE THAN THE
PERSON WHO SUFFERED THROUGH
9 MONTHS OF MORNING
SICKNESS FOR ME.
NO. MA, I AM NOT
COMING TO THE MEETING.
NO. I AM NOT.
I'M NOT, MA, I'M NOT.
GOOD-BYE.
- I'LL PICK YOU UP
ON MY WAY OVER.
- RIGHT.
- OK, OK.
THE FAMILY MEETING IS
NOW CALLED TO ORDER.
NOW, MA, WHAT IS IT?
- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY,
"HELLO," FIRST.
AND LET'S TRY TO BE CALM.
BECAUSE IN A FEW MINUTES
THERE MAY BE A LOT OF HYSTERIA
AND THIS MAY BE OUR
LAST CHANCE TO BE CALM.
HELLO, RHODA.
- MA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL,
RHODA, I SEE YOU HAVE BLOWN
YOUR LAST CHANCE OF BEING
CALM BY BECOMING HYSTERICAL
TOO EARLY.
- WHERE'S POP?
- IS THIS
SOMETHING ABOUT POP?
- IT'S POP, IT IS,
THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- IT'S NOT YOUR FATHER.
- HE ISN'T HERE BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.
NOW, IF THE TWO OF
YOU WILL SIT DOWN,
I WILL TRY AND FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO EXPLAIN THIS
TO THE BOTH OF YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
- MA, WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'VE DECIDED I DON'T WANT
YOU TWO TO KNOW ABOUT IT EITHER.
- WHAT?
- MA,
YOU MADE ME RE-ARRANGE
MY WHOLE LIFE TO HEAR
ABOUT THIS THING.
NOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING
TO TELL US WHAT IT IS?
- WELL,
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M NOT GOING TO
GO THROUGH THIS.
SO LONG, MA.
WHATEVER IT IS, IT CAN'T BE SO
IMPORTANT TO GO THROUGH THIS
KIND OF AGGRAVATION.
- YES, IT CAN.
- YOU ALMOST MADE IT, RHODA.
- I KNOW.
- WHY'D YOU COME BACK?
- I DON'T KNOW, BRENDA.
I GUESS
THE THRILL OF THE HUNT.
- IT'S MY HEALTH.
- WHAT?
- MA...
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH?
HAVE YOU BEEN TO A DOCTOR?
- NO,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT THEY
HAVE TO TELL ME BECAUSE
I'M AFRAID THERE'S SOMETHING
REALLY WRONG.
- OH, BOY.
OH, I--I BETTER CALL MY DATE.
HE WAS GOING TO PICK ME UP
HERE, BUT NOW I'VE GOT TO CALL
TO STOP HIM.
- THAT'S GOOD.
GO, CALL HIM.
- CANCEL.
- NO,
DON'T CANCEL A DATE!
DON'T EVER CANCEL A DATE!
- OH, MA, STOP IT!
[ALL YELLING AT ONCE]
- NOW, BE QUIET!
- MA!
- CALL HIM.
- I AM!
HELLO? HELLO, VINCE?
OH, UH, MIKE, IS VINCE THERE?
WELL, IS THERE ANY
CHANCE YOU CAN CATCH HIM?
BECAUSE I HAVE
TO CALL OFF TONIGHT.
WHY CAN'T I?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BECAUSE
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT?
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
NO. GOOD NIGHT.
- OK.
OK, YOU TWO...
YOU, YOU.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.
I WANT TO KNOW NOW.
NO BUILD-UP, NO FANCY STORIES.
JUST SIMPLE SENTENCES,
PLEASE, MA.
WHAT IS WRONG?
- WELL,
AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER BEEN
TO A MEDICAL DOCTOR
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
- UH-HUH.
- AND I'VE ONLY BEEN
TO A DENTIST TWICE.
AND ON BOTH THOSE OCCASIONS
IT WAS TO TRY AND INTEREST
HIM IN RHODA.
- MA, PLEASE,
QUIT YOUR STALLING.
NOW TELL US WHAT'S THE--
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- ALL RIGHT, BUT LET
ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS,
THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- WHY, BECAUSE
IT'S NOT SERIOUS?
- NO, BECAUSE I'VE
ALREADY LIVED A FULL LIFE.
- PLEASE, I BEG YOU, MA,
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME
AND BRENDA EXACTLY
WHAT'S WRONG.
- [SIGHS]
OK.
LATELY I HAVEN'T BEEN
FEELING SO GREAT.
I HAVE SHORTNESS OF BREATH,
SOME TINGLING IN MY FINGERS,
AND...
CHEST PAINS.
- OH, MA, MA.
OH, WOW.
LISTEN, IT COULD BE NOTHING.
AND--IF--AND, AND, WHATEVER
IT IS, WE'RE GOING TO GET IT
TAKEN CARE OF.
WE--WE'LL GET IT FIXED.
- OH, TOTALLY FIXED.
- RIGHT, WE'RE GOING
TO TAKE YOU TO A DOCTOR.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
I--I DON'T THINK I COULD
FACE ONE OF THOSE FELLAS.
- OH, COME ON.
- UNLESS, OF COURSE,
HE'S RIGHT FOR BRENDA.
- MA, HOW CAN YOU BE
WORRYING ABOUT ME?
- I WORRY ABOUT YOU BECAUSE
OF THE PRESSURES THAT ARE
GOING TO BE PUT ONTO YOU
TO GET MARRIED BEFORE I...
- MA, PLEASE!
PLEASE DON'T.
I MEAN,
WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT
TO HELP YOU.
NOW, LOOK...
JUST, FACTS.
SYMPTOMS.
OH, WHAT DO YOU--WHAT
DO YOU FEEL LIKE RIGHT NOW?
I MEAN--
- RIGHT NOW?
RIGHT NOW I FEEL WONDERFUL.
I FEEL WONDERFUL KNOWING
HOW THE TWO OF YOU CARE.
- OH, COME ON.
- I REALLY DO.
- OH...
- I JUST LOVE YOU.
- ARE YOU--WHAT, ARE YOU
KIDDING, MA?
YOU'RE OUR MOTHER, AREN'T YOU?
- AT LEAST.
- MA, NOW, LISTEN, MA.
DON'T WORRY.
WE WILL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING.
- EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK.
- IT IS.
- OH, DARLINGS,
WHY DOES IT TAKE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO MAKE
A FAMILY REALIZE HOW MUCH THEY
LOVE EACH OTHER?
- MA, PLEASE, DON'T.
PLEASE DON'T.
- STOP CRYING, I TELL YA.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO
BE ALL RIGHT.
HONESTLY, YOU'LL SEE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'M GOING TO GET THE DOOR.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- [CRYING]
- HI, BRENDA.
- HI.
- IS THAT YOUR MOTHER?
- YEAH.
- HEY,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HER
WHAT WE'RE GOING
TO DO TONIGHT.
- RIGHT THIS WAY,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
THE DOCTOR WILL BE WITH
YOU IN JUST A MINUTE.
- UH, THE DOCTOR USUALLY
SEES ONLY THE PATIENT.
- OH,
BUT THIS IS OUR MOTHER.
DO YOU KNOW THIS IS HER
FIRST TIME TO A DOCTOR?
YEAH, I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.
- BUT I'M SURE THAT YOU
CAN SEE OUR PROBLEM.
I MEAN,
IF WE LET PEOPLE BRING THEIR
FAMILIES IN, WHY, WE'D HAVE
CHILDREN ALL OVER THE DESKS.
- LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE
TO GO TO THIS GUY.
- MA, JUST RELAX.
DID YOU HEAR ME, JUST RELAX.
PLEASE, YOU SEE
THE SITUATION, NURSE.
THE WOMAN IS VERY FRIGHTENED.
NOW, I'M SURE YOU CAN
MAKE AN EXCEPTION. HUH?
I MEAN, IF YOU HAD THIS
UNBENDABLE RULE, THAT WOULD
BE STUPID.
- ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?
- NO, NO.
YOU WOULDN'T BE STUPID.
IT WOULD BE STUPID.
HOWEVER, IF YOU INSIST ON US
LEAVING, YOU ARE NOT BRIGHT.
- THE PATIENT STAYS...
AND YOU TWO GO.
- HEY,
LOOK, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT AN ARGUMENT HERE.
IF YOU STAYED,
WOULDN'T THAT BE--
- ALL THIS IS POINTLESS.
- BUT, PLEASE--
- NOW, YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE.
- NURSE.
- THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SAY.
- YES, THERE IS.
IF YOU DON'T LET US STAY,
I DECK YOU, RIGHT HERE.
- WELL,
I'LL ASK THE DOCTOR.
- OH, BOY.
- LISTEN, RHODA, I'M SORRY
I LET YOU HANDLE THAT ALONE.
I MEAN,
ON AN ORDINARY DAY I WOULD
HAVE MADE YOGURT
OF HER IN 2 MINUTES.
- SIT, MA. SIT.
- LISTEN, HOW LONG DO YOU
THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS
GOING TO TAKE?
- WELL, MA.
IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
I MEAN, THEY GOTTA
TAKE ALL THESE TESTS.
- LISTEN, I'VE NEVER TAKEN
A TEST IN MY LIFE.
I READ A LOT
ABOUT THESE TESTS.
THESE TESTS CAN BE
VERY EMBARRASSING.
- STOP.
- IF HE COMES AT ME WITH
A LITTLE BOTTLE, I'M LEAVING.
- HELLO.
- HELLO THERE, DOCTOR.
- UH,
WHICH ONE OF YOU THREATENED
TO PUNCH MY NURSE?
- OH, UH, WELL...
- TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, DOCTOR,
IF ANYTHING HAD STARTED,
I THINK THE 3 OF US
WOULD HAVE BEEN IN ON IT.
- LET'S UH...TRY
AND RELAX, SHALL WE?
WELL, TO BEGIN WITH, I WANT
TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
MRS. MORGENSTERN,
HOW TALL ARE YOU?
- SHE'S APPROXIMATELY
5 FEET TALL.
- WE DON'T LIKE
APPROXIMATIONS.
DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY
HOW TALL YOU ARE?
- WITHOUT HEELS,
4'10" AND 3/4.
WITH HEELS, 4'11."
- THANK YOU.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- GUESS.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY
PATIENTS I HAVE WAITING
FOR ME OUT THERE?
- I'LL GUESS THAT
WHEN YOU GUESS MY AGE.
- 50.
- 7.
- YOU'RE 57 YEARS OLD?
- NO, I THOUGHT YOU
HAD 7 PATIENTS WAITING
OUT IN THE LOBBY.
I'M 52.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU EVER HAD ANY JAUNDICE?
- NO.
- APPENDICITIS?
- NO.
- ANY SOCIAL DISEASES?
- SOCIAL DISEASES?
I DON'T KNOW
WHO BROUGHT YOU UP,
BUT I'M A LADY AND YOU'RE
NOT TO USE WORDS LIKE
THAT IN MY PRESENCE.
- ALL RIGHT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLERGIES?
- I'M ALLERGIC
TO LITTLE BOTTLES.
- I'LL GET YOU A BIG ONE.
SHALL WE GO
IN THE EXAMINATION ROOM?
- ALL RIGHT.
WHERE'S THE WOMAN WHO'S
GOING TO EXAMINE ME?
- I'M GOING TO EXAMINE YOU.
- YOU? WHY?
- WHY?
WHY DO YOU THINK?
- BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE YOU
GET YOUR KICKS FROM SEEING
A WOMAN MY AGE NAKED.
- MRS. MORGENSTERN, I EXAMINE
NAKED PEOPLE ALL DAY LONG.
I'VE BEEN DOING IT
FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
- OH,
COME ON, DOCTOR.
YOU MEAN TO SAY IF
YOU, UH...DON'T SEE
AN EXTRAORDINARY BODY YOU
DON'T LET THAT STETHOSCOPE
LINGER A LITTLE?
OH, LISTEN, YOU'LL BE
HERE WHEN I GET OUT?
- YES, MA!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- WHERE WOULD WE GO?
- HOLD THAT.
- MA,
THE DOCTOR SAID HE'S GONNA
CALL THIS AFTERNOON.
HE'S GONNA CALL.
AND LOOK.
DO NOT LET YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN WILD WITH YOU.
I MEAN,
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OK.
YOU'LL SEE.
- HEY,
MA, YOU NEVER TOLD US WHAT
THE DOCTOR SAID DURING
THE EXAMINATION.
- OH,
HE JUST KEPT SAYING ONE THING
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
- WHAT?
- MRS. MORGENSTERN, PLEASE
GET YOUR HAND OFF MY WRIST.
- AND, UH...HE DIDN'T
TELL YOU ANYTHING?
- NO, NOTHING.
- YOU DIDN'T
ASK HIM ANYTHING?
- YEAH, I ASK
HIM ONE QUESTION.
I ASK HIM WHAT
HE THOUGHT OF MY FIGURE.
WELL, I MEAN,
AFTER ALL, ONLY YOUR FATHER
HAS SEEN, AND I WANTED TO FIND
OUT IF HE'D BEEN LYING TO ME
ALL THESE YEARS.
WANT TO KNOW WHAT
THE DOCTOR SAID?
- YEAH, I WANT
TO KNOW REAL BAD.
- HE SAID I HAD
A DYNAMITE BODY.
'COURSE, A LOT OF GOOD
THAT'S GOING TO DO ME NOW.
- OH, MA, COME ON.
YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
NOW, I'M TELLING YOU
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH. HEY,
MA, OLD AGE RUNS
IN OUR FAMILY.
LOOK AT GRANDMOTHER
MORGENSTERN, SHE'S 87.
- YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S YOUR FATHER'S MOTHER.
I HAVE GRANDMOTHER NESSEL.
REST HER SOUL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, GRANDMOTHER
MORGENSTERN ONCE SAID
SOMETHING VERY NICE
ON THE SUBJECT OF OLD AGE.
- WHAT'D SHE SAY, MA?
- SHE SAID, "I'M NOT AFRAID
OF DEATH, BECAUSE MY LIFE IS
NOT SUCH A BARGAIN."
- COME ON, MA.
NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE
A WONDERFUL LIFE.
- EH, THERE ARE THINGS
WRONG WITH IT.
- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL,
LIKE, I'VE NEVER BEEN AS CLOSE
TO YOU TWO
AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED.
- THAT'S SILLY.
WE'RE CLOSE.
IN FACT, WE'RE VERY CLOSE.
- NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN
AS CLOSE AS YOU TWO ARE CLOSE.
- OH, WELL,
MA, I MEAN, THAT'S NATURAL.
I MEAN,
AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A MOTHER.
- WHY WOULD THAT
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
JUST BECAUSE
I'M YOUR MOTHER?
I MEAN,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LIKE
A GIRLFRIEND TO YOU BECAUSE
YOU WERE ALWAYS THE BEST TWO
GIRLS I EVER KNEW.
- OH, THAT'S SWEET.
THAT'S CUTE.
- NO,
I'M BEING VERY SERIOUS NOW.
I MEAN,
YOU GIRLS NEVER TAKE ME
ANYWHERE WITH YOU.
YOU NEVER SHARE
THINGS WITH ME.
YOU NEVER LEND ME
YOUR SWEATERS.
- OH, MA.
MA, YOU WOULD LOOK
PRETTY SILLY WEARING
ONE OF OUR SWEATERS, HUH?
- WHY?
ARE YOU AFRAID I'D
STRETCH IT OUT OF SHAPE?
- LISTEN, YOU.
- NOW LISTEN--
- NO, NOW, YOU LISTEN.
I'M ALWAYS THE OUTSIDER HERE.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE NOT. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- THAT IS TRUE.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S TRUE.
YOU CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER,
AND YOU NEVER CONFIDE IN ME.
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
ONE SECRET ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
COME ON, NOW.
JUST FOR ONCE, INCLUDE ME.
TELL ME A SECRET
ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
- ONE.
- OK. SURE THING.
- UH, I'D BE GLAD TO.
UM, I'M SORRY, MA, I DON'T
HAVE ANY SECRETS RIGHT NOW.
- NOT EVEN ONE?
- NO.
- OH, NO.
PLEASE, NO.
- OH, COME ON, BRENDA.
YOU GOT A SECRET?
- AH, MA.
MA, JUST MY LUCK
I HAVE A SECRET.
I NEVER HAVE ANY SECRETS.
WHY TODAY DO I HAVE
TO HAVE A SECRET?
- BRENDA, WILL YOU TELL ME?
- MA, I CAN'T TELL YOU THIS
KIND OF A SECRET.
VINCE, YOU KNOW...
- I KNOW, YEAH, BUT, BRENDA,
WAIT A SECOND.
I MEAN, MA'S TRYING
TO BE FRIENDS HERE.
PALSIES AND EVERYTHING.
AND BESIDES, IT'S NOT ANYTHING
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED.
AND IF IT WILL MAKE
HER FEEL BETTER...
- OH, NO.
- COME ON.
- MA,
IT'S ABOUT, UH...UH, MY SECRET,
WHAT I HAVE,
IS--IT'S, UH...S--SEX.
SEX.
- BRENDA, ALL OF OUR
SECRETS ARE ABOUT SEX.
- WELL,
UH...YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS GUY
I'VE BEEN SEEING AND, UH,
NOT TOO LONG, AND I'M VERY
ATTRACTED TO HIM.
YOU KNOW HIM.
IT'S, UH, VINCE.
ANYWAY, UH, LATELY HE'S
BEEN PRESSURING ME TO BE
MORE INTIMATE.
- WELL, NOW I FEEL
LIKE A GIRLFRIEND.
OF COURSE, THIS IS ALL
A LITTLE NEW TO ME.
WHAT DID RHODA SAY WHEN
YOU TOLD HER THE STORY?
- OH,
SHE SAID I SHOULDN'T DO IT.
- OH, GOOD GIRL.
BUT, UH, I HAVE TO DISAGREE.
- WHAT?
- YOU SEE, THE TROUBLE
WITH RHODA IS...
SHE DOESN'T
THINK MODERN.
BRENDA, WHEN YOU'RE
IN MY POSITION,
AND YOU'RE WAITING
FOR THE PHONE TO RING
WITH YOUR FUTURE, YOU BEGIN TO
UNDERSTAND HOW UNIMPORTANT
SOME OF THE OLD RULES ARE.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO
SEIZE LIFE WITH BOTH HANDS.
HOLD ON AND TAKE THE WILDEST,
CRAZIEST, LONGEST
RIDE YOU CAN.
DON'T DO IT THE WAY
I DID IT, BRENDA.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
ENJOY, ENJOY, ENJOY.
- BOY, IS THIS WEIRD.
I MEAN, YOU'RE
A FABULOUS FRIEND.
- BOY,
MA, IF YOU HAD TOLD ME WHAT
YOU JUST TOLD BRENDA
WHEN I WAS HAV--
- YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THINGS
DIFFERENTLY, I SUPPOSE.
- NO, BUT I WOULD HAVE FELT
SO DIFFERENTLY ABOUT
THE THINGS I'VE DONE.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- HELLO?
WELL, HELLO, DOCTOR.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
SHE'S, UH--SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
YES.
- HEY, GIRLFRIENDS...
I'M SCARED.
HELLO, DOCTOR?
YES.
YES?
OH.
WELL, THANK--THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHAT?
OH, I NEVER HEARD
OF THAT BEFORE.
OH, OK.
YEAH.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YES.
AND THANK YOU.
THANK YOU AGAIN, DOCTOR.
IT'S NOT MY HEART.
- OH.
- IT'S NOT MY--I MEAN,
LISTEN, IT WASN'T PHYSICAL,
IT WAS EMOTIONAL.
- OH, MA, WHAT'D
I TELL YA, HUH?
- OH, YEAH.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT.
- OH, MA.
- EVERYTHING'S OK.
- WONDERFUL.
- IT IS.
- IT'S TERRIFIC.
BUT WHAT DID HE SAY
THAT WORRIED YOU?
HE TOLD YOU SOMETHING AFTER
HE TOLD YOU THE GOOD NEWS.
WHAT?
- WELL, IN
MY WHOLE EXAMINATION,
THEY ONLY FOUND ONE THING.
- YEAH?
- I SHRANK HALF AN INCH.
OH, WELL.
PETITE IS GOOD.
- THIS IS AN AWFUL DAY,
YOU KNOW, BUT, IN A FUNNY WAY,
IT KIND OF BROUGHT
US TOGETHER.
I MEAN,
I'M GLAD, BECAUSE I THINK OUR
RELATIONSHIP IS BETTER
THAN IT'S EVER BEEN.
- OH.
- AND THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
- OH, IT MAKES ME
HAPPY TOO, MA.
- OH,
MA, IT'S WONDERFUL.
I MEAN,
NOBODY HAS EVER HAD
A RELATIONSHIP LIKE
THAT WITH THEIR MOTHER.
- WELL,
NOW THAT EVERYTHING IS OK,
I'LL GO SEE VINCE TONIGHT.
- BRENDA, BEFORE YOU GO...
I THINK WE OUGHT TO HAVE
A LITTLE TALK.
A BIG, LITTLE TALK.
- OH, MA.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- HELLO?
OH, HIYA, MA.
YEAH, JOE'S STILL OUT OF TOWN.
SO, WHAT'S UP?
NO KIDDING.
REALLY? YOU CALLED
A FAMILY MEETING?
IT MUST BE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT.
I REMEMBER ONLY THREE OTHER
FAMILY MEETINGS YOU'VE CALLED.
ONE WAS WHEN I MOVED TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHEN I GOT
MARRIED, AND WHEN MARTIN
AND LEWIS SPLIT UP.
SURE, SURE, I'LL TELL BRENDA.
YEAH. BUT, MA--
WAIT A MINUTE,
D--DON'T HANG UP.
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME
HERE NOT KNOWING WHAT
THE MEETING'S ABOUT.
I'M NOT GOING TO WAIT
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
MA.
NO, NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO RUN.
BECAUSE WHERE WOULD YOU BE
RUNNING AT 8:00 IN THE EVENING?
MA, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
AN EMERGENCY MAH JONG GAME.
MA, DON'T SAY GOOD-BYE.
- LISTEN, I WANT TO KNOW--
[CLICK]
I MEAN,
WHY LUG YOUR ACCORDION ALL
THE WAY HERE WHEN I CAN JUST PUT
ON SOME RECORDS OR SOMETHING?
- WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD TURN YOU ON.
[PLAYING ACCORDION]
- VINCE?
VINCE? VINCE!
VINCE, I WAS HOPING, UH,
TONIGHT WE WOULDN'T GET INTO
THAT AREA OF CONFLICT WE'VE
BEEN GETTING INTO LATELY.
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT
FEELING WHAT I'M FEELING.
I'M DYING FROM WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TO ME.
- VINCE, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
TALK ABOUT IT SO MUCH.
I MEAN,
MAYBE IT SHOULD BE MORE,
YOU KNOW, SPONTANEOUS.
- RIGHT.
FROM NOW ON IT'LL
BE SPONTANEOUS.
- VINCE, DON'T
UNBUCKLE YOUR ACCORDION.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I MEAN,
I--I WON'T GO ALL THE WAY.
I WON'T UNBUCKLE IT, I'LL...
I'LL JUST UNSTRAP.
- VINCE, MAYBE
TOMORROW NIGHT.
- FOR SURE?
- IF IT'S SPONTANEOUS.
- IT WILL BE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA?
- YEAH?
- UH, ARE YOU BUSY?
- UH, NO.
WE WERE JUST ABOUT
TO CALL IT A WRAP.
- OH, I'M SORRY, I'LL
COME BACK LATER, BREN.
- NO,
NO, IT'S OK, RHO.
COME ON IN.
- YEAH?
OH, LISTEN, I DON'T
MEAN TO INTERRUPT.
BUSTING IN ON YOU AND, UH...
- VINCE.
- HEY,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IF ANYTHING WAS REALLY GOING
ON, WE WOULDN'T HAVE HEARD
THE KNOCK, HUH?
- MM-HMM. I SEE.
- YOU'VE GOT A GREAT
LITTLE SISTER, HERE.
- YEAH.
- HMM. YOU'RE
PRETTY FOXY YOURSELF.
- THANKS.
SHOWS HOW LONG
I'VE BEEN AROUND.
FROM DOGGIE TO FOXY.
- TOMORROW NIGHT, BABY.
IT'S GOING TO BE AN
IMPORTANT NIGHT FOR US.
WE'RE GOING TO BE...SPONTANEOUS.
THE EARTH WILL MOVE.
THE SKY WILL OPEN...
AND I'LL BRING SOME RIBS.
- GEE, UH, BREN, I'M SORRY,
I REALLY AM.
I MEAN,
I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME DOWN,
BUT YOUR PHONE HAS BEEN
BUSY FOR OVER AN HOUR.
- OH, NO,
RHO, IT'S OK, REALLY.
YOUR TIMING WAS GREAT.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
- YOU SEE,
THERE'S THIS DECISION THAT
VINCE WANTS ME TO
MAKE UP MY MIND ABOUT.
- OH, THAT DECISION.
- YEAH.
YEAH. HE WANTS TO BE...
MORE INTIMATE.
I KEEP TELLING HIM I HAVE
TO KNOW A GUY FOR A WHILE.
I MEAN,
I JUST CAN'T SEE HIM A COUPLE
OF TIMES, I HAVE TO
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.
- THAT'S TRUE.
- YEAH.
- AND I TOLD HIM THERE ARE
A CERTAIN NUMBER OF DATES YOU
SHOULD HAVE BEFORE YOU EVEN
CONSIDER DOING "INTIMATE."
- RIGHT. HOW MANY DATES
DID YOU TELL HIM?
- 14.
- GOOD. THAT'S GOOD, YEAH.
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
- WELL,
THAT WAS 2 WEEKS AGO, AND HE'S
BEEN UP HERE
EVERY NIGHT SINCE.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO.
- BRENDA, BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY
DECISION AT ALL, I GOT TO
ASK YOU ONE QUESTION.
DO YOU REALLY,
REALLY LIKE VINCE?
- DON'T YOU?
- UH,
WELL, THAT'S NOT AN ISSUE HERE.
- YOU LIKE THIS GUY?
- YEAH. I LIKE HIM.
- YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?
- BRENDA, I JUST WANT TO
MAKE SURE THAT YOU LIKE HIM.
THAT'S ALL.
MY OPINION OF A GUY WHO
BRINGS AN ACCORDION ON A DATE
IS UNIMPORTANT.
- RHODA, COME ON.
I MEAN,
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO SAY
"NO" TO A GUY LIKE VINCE.
HE'S SO MAGNETIC.
- THIS VINCE?
THIS GUY?
THAT WAS JUST HERE?
- YEAH.
- MAGNETIC?
- YEAH.
- I MEAN,
HOW OFTEN DOES A GUY LIKE
VINCE MAZUMA COME ALONG?
- EVERY 3 SECONDS.
- ALL RIGHT, RHODA.
OK, I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
[HUMMING]
I'M GOING TO SEE HIM.
- WAIT. BRENDA, YOU CAN'T.
- WHY?
- MA CALLED.
- THERE IS A FAMILY MEETING
SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
- OH,
A FAMILY MEETING, HUH?
OH, SHE PROBABLY
COULDN'T GET ME.
MY PHONE'S BEEN OFF THE HOOK.
WELL, I GOT TO CALL HER,
BECAUSE I CAN'T GO.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- DIRECT DIALING.
- HELLO, MA?
YEAH, LISTEN, I WAS
GOING TO CALL YOU.
UH, CAN YOU SWITCH
THE MEETING TOMORROW NIGHT?
BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE IT.
BECAUSE I HAVE
A VERY IMPORTANT DATE.
MA, THE ISSUE IS NOT WHETHER
SOME GUY MEANS MORE THAN THE
PERSON WHO SUFFERED THROUGH
9 MONTHS OF MORNING
SICKNESS FOR ME.
NO. MA, I AM NOT
COMING TO THE MEETING.
NO. I AM NOT.
I'M NOT, MA, I'M NOT.
GOOD-BYE.
- I'LL PICK YOU UP
ON MY WAY OVER.
- RIGHT.
- OK, OK.
THE FAMILY MEETING IS
NOW CALLED TO ORDER.
NOW, MA, WHAT IS IT?
- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY,
"HELLO," FIRST.
AND LET'S TRY TO BE CALM.
BECAUSE IN A FEW MINUTES
THERE MAY BE A LOT OF HYSTERIA
AND THIS MAY BE OUR
LAST CHANCE TO BE CALM.
HELLO, RHODA.
- MA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL,
RHODA, I SEE YOU HAVE BLOWN
YOUR LAST CHANCE OF BEING
CALM BY BECOMING HYSTERICAL
TOO EARLY.
- WHERE'S POP?
- IS THIS
SOMETHING ABOUT POP?
- IT'S POP, IT IS,
THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- IT'S NOT YOUR FATHER.
- HE ISN'T HERE BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.
NOW, IF THE TWO OF
YOU WILL SIT DOWN,
I WILL TRY AND FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO EXPLAIN THIS
TO THE BOTH OF YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
- MA, WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'VE DECIDED I DON'T WANT
YOU TWO TO KNOW ABOUT IT EITHER.
- WHAT?
- MA,
YOU MADE ME RE-ARRANGE
MY WHOLE LIFE TO HEAR
ABOUT THIS THING.
NOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING
TO TELL US WHAT IT IS?
- WELL,
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M NOT GOING TO
GO THROUGH THIS.
SO LONG, MA.
WHATEVER IT IS, IT CAN'T BE SO
IMPORTANT TO GO THROUGH THIS
KIND OF AGGRAVATION.
- YES, IT CAN.
- YOU ALMOST MADE IT, RHODA.
- I KNOW.
- WHY'D YOU COME BACK?
- I DON'T KNOW, BRENDA.
I GUESS
THE THRILL OF THE HUNT.
- IT'S MY HEALTH.
- WHAT?
- MA...
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH?
HAVE YOU BEEN TO A DOCTOR?
- NO,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT THEY
HAVE TO TELL ME BECAUSE
I'M AFRAID THERE'S SOMETHING
REALLY WRONG.
- OH, BOY.
OH, I--I BETTER CALL MY DATE.
HE WAS GOING TO PICK ME UP
HERE, BUT NOW I'VE GOT TO CALL
TO STOP HIM.
- THAT'S GOOD.
GO, CALL HIM.
- CANCEL.
- NO,
DON'T CANCEL A DATE!
DON'T EVER CANCEL A DATE!
- OH, MA, STOP IT!
[ALL YELLING AT ONCE]
- NOW, BE QUIET!
- MA!
- CALL HIM.
- I AM!
HELLO? HELLO, VINCE?
OH, UH, MIKE, IS VINCE THERE?
WELL, IS THERE ANY
CHANCE YOU CAN CATCH HIM?
BECAUSE I HAVE
TO CALL OFF TONIGHT.
WHY CAN'T I?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BECAUSE
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT?
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
NO. GOOD NIGHT.
- OK.
OK, YOU TWO...
YOU, YOU.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.
I WANT TO KNOW NOW.
NO BUILD-UP, NO FANCY STORIES.
JUST SIMPLE SENTENCES,
PLEASE, MA.
WHAT IS WRONG?
- WELL,
AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER BEEN
TO A MEDICAL DOCTOR
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
- UH-HUH.
- AND I'VE ONLY BEEN
TO A DENTIST TWICE.
AND ON BOTH THOSE OCCASIONS
IT WAS TO TRY AND INTEREST
HIM IN RHODA.
- MA, PLEASE,
QUIT YOUR STALLING.
NOW TELL US WHAT'S THE--
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- ALL RIGHT, BUT LET
ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS,
THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- WHY, BECAUSE
IT'S NOT SERIOUS?
- NO, BECAUSE I'VE
ALREADY LIVED A FULL LIFE.
- PLEASE, I BEG YOU, MA,
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME
AND BRENDA EXACTLY
WHAT'S WRONG.
- [SIGHS]
OK.
LATELY I HAVEN'T BEEN
FEELING SO GREAT.
I HAVE SHORTNESS OF BREATH,
SOME TINGLING IN MY FINGERS,
AND...
CHEST PAINS.
- OH, MA, MA.
OH, WOW.
LISTEN, IT COULD BE NOTHING.
AND--IF--AND, AND, WHATEVER
IT IS, WE'RE GOING TO GET IT
TAKEN CARE OF.
WE--WE'LL GET IT FIXED.
- OH, TOTALLY FIXED.
- RIGHT, WE'RE GOING
TO TAKE YOU TO A DOCTOR.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
I--I DON'T THINK I COULD
FACE ONE OF THOSE FELLAS.
- OH, COME ON.
- UNLESS, OF COURSE,
HE'S RIGHT FOR BRENDA.
- MA, HOW CAN YOU BE
WORRYING ABOUT ME?
- I WORRY ABOUT YOU BECAUSE
OF THE PRESSURES THAT ARE
GOING TO BE PUT ONTO YOU
TO GET MARRIED BEFORE I...
- MA, PLEASE!
PLEASE DON'T.
I MEAN,
WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT
TO HELP YOU.
NOW, LOOK...
JUST, FACTS.
SYMPTOMS.
OH, WHAT DO YOU--WHAT
DO YOU FEEL LIKE RIGHT NOW?
I MEAN--
- RIGHT NOW?
RIGHT NOW I FEEL WONDERFUL.
I FEEL WONDERFUL KNOWING
HOW THE TWO OF YOU CARE.
- OH, COME ON.
- I REALLY DO.
- OH...
- I JUST LOVE YOU.
- ARE YOU--WHAT, ARE YOU
KIDDING, MA?
YOU'RE OUR MOTHER, AREN'T YOU?
- AT LEAST.
- MA, NOW, LISTEN, MA.
DON'T WORRY.
WE WILL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING.
- EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK.
- IT IS.
- OH, DARLINGS,
WHY DOES IT TAKE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO MAKE
A FAMILY REALIZE HOW MUCH THEY
LOVE EACH OTHER?
- MA, PLEASE, DON'T.
PLEASE DON'T.
- STOP CRYING, I TELL YA.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO
BE ALL RIGHT.
HONESTLY, YOU'LL SEE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'M GOING TO GET THE DOOR.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- [CRYING]
- HI, BRENDA.
- HI.
- IS THAT YOUR MOTHER?
- YEAH.
- HEY,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HER
WHAT WE'RE GOING
TO DO TONIGHT.
- RIGHT THIS WAY,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
THE DOCTOR WILL BE WITH
YOU IN JUST A MINUTE.
- UH, THE DOCTOR USUALLY
SEES ONLY THE PATIENT.
- OH,
BUT THIS IS OUR MOTHER.
DO YOU KNOW THIS IS HER
FIRST TIME TO A DOCTOR?
YEAH, I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.
- BUT I'M SURE THAT YOU
CAN SEE OUR PROBLEM.
I MEAN,
IF WE LET PEOPLE BRING THEIR
FAMILIES IN, WHY, WE'D HAVE
CHILDREN ALL OVER THE DESKS.
- LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE
TO GO TO THIS GUY.
- MA, JUST RELAX.
DID YOU HEAR ME, JUST RELAX.
PLEASE, YOU SEE
THE SITUATION, NURSE.
THE WOMAN IS VERY FRIGHTENED.
NOW, I'M SURE YOU CAN
MAKE AN EXCEPTION. HUH?
I MEAN, IF YOU HAD THIS
UNBENDABLE RULE, THAT WOULD
BE STUPID.
- ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?
- NO, NO.
YOU WOULDN'T BE STUPID.
IT WOULD BE STUPID.
HOWEVER, IF YOU INSIST ON US
LEAVING, YOU ARE NOT BRIGHT.
- THE PATIENT STAYS...
AND YOU TWO GO.
- HEY,
LOOK, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT AN ARGUMENT HERE.
IF YOU STAYED,
WOULDN'T THAT BE--
- ALL THIS IS POINTLESS.
- BUT, PLEASE--
- NOW, YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE.
- NURSE.
- THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SAY.
- YES, THERE IS.
IF YOU DON'T LET US STAY,
I DECK YOU, RIGHT HERE.
- WELL,
I'LL ASK THE DOCTOR.
- OH, BOY.
- LISTEN, RHODA, I'M SORRY
I LET YOU HANDLE THAT ALONE.
I MEAN,
ON AN ORDINARY DAY I WOULD
HAVE MADE YOGURT
OF HER IN 2 MINUTES.
- SIT, MA. SIT.
- LISTEN, HOW LONG DO YOU
THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS
GOING TO TAKE?
- WELL, MA.
IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
I MEAN, THEY GOTTA
TAKE ALL THESE TESTS.
- LISTEN, I'VE NEVER TAKEN
A TEST IN MY LIFE.
I READ A LOT
ABOUT THESE TESTS.
THESE TESTS CAN BE
VERY EMBARRASSING.
- STOP.
- IF HE COMES AT ME WITH
A LITTLE BOTTLE, I'M LEAVING.
- HELLO.
- HELLO THERE, DOCTOR.
- UH,
WHICH ONE OF YOU THREATENED
TO PUNCH MY NURSE?
- OH, UH, WELL...
- TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, DOCTOR,
IF ANYTHING HAD STARTED,
I THINK THE 3 OF US
WOULD HAVE BEEN IN ON IT.
- LET'S UH...TRY
AND RELAX, SHALL WE?
WELL, TO BEGIN WITH, I WANT
TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
MRS. MORGENSTERN,
HOW TALL ARE YOU?
- SHE'S APPROXIMATELY
5 FEET TALL.
- WE DON'T LIKE
APPROXIMATIONS.
DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY
HOW TALL YOU ARE?
- WITHOUT HEELS,
4'10" AND 3/4.
WITH HEELS, 4'11."
- THANK YOU.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- GUESS.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY
PATIENTS I HAVE WAITING
FOR ME OUT THERE?
- I'LL GUESS THAT
WHEN YOU GUESS MY AGE.
- 50.
- 7.
- YOU'RE 57 YEARS OLD?
- NO, I THOUGHT YOU
HAD 7 PATIENTS WAITING
OUT IN THE LOBBY.
I'M 52.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU EVER HAD ANY JAUNDICE?
- NO.
- APPENDICITIS?
- NO.
- ANY SOCIAL DISEASES?
- SOCIAL DISEASES?
I DON'T KNOW
WHO BROUGHT YOU UP,
BUT I'M A LADY AND YOU'RE
NOT TO USE WORDS LIKE
THAT IN MY PRESENCE.
- ALL RIGHT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLERGIES?
- I'M ALLERGIC
TO LITTLE BOTTLES.
- I'LL GET YOU A BIG ONE.
SHALL WE GO
IN THE EXAMINATION ROOM?
- ALL RIGHT.
WHERE'S THE WOMAN WHO'S
GOING TO EXAMINE ME?
- I'M GOING TO EXAMINE YOU.
- YOU? WHY?
- WHY?
WHY DO YOU THINK?
- BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE YOU
GET YOUR KICKS FROM SEEING
A WOMAN MY AGE NAKED.
- MRS. MORGENSTERN, I EXAMINE
NAKED PEOPLE ALL DAY LONG.
I'VE BEEN DOING IT
FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
- OH,
COME ON, DOCTOR.
YOU MEAN TO SAY IF
YOU, UH...DON'T SEE
AN EXTRAORDINARY BODY YOU
DON'T LET THAT STETHOSCOPE
LINGER A LITTLE?
OH, LISTEN, YOU'LL BE
HERE WHEN I GET OUT?
- YES, MA!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- WHERE WOULD WE GO?
- HOLD THAT.
- MA,
THE DOCTOR SAID HE'S GONNA
CALL THIS AFTERNOON.
HE'S GONNA CALL.
AND LOOK.
DO NOT LET YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN WILD WITH YOU.
I MEAN,
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OK.
YOU'LL SEE.
- HEY,
MA, YOU NEVER TOLD US WHAT
THE DOCTOR SAID DURING
THE EXAMINATION.
- OH,
HE JUST KEPT SAYING ONE THING
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
- WHAT?
- MRS. MORGENSTERN, PLEASE
GET YOUR HAND OFF MY WRIST.
- AND, UH...HE DIDN'T
TELL YOU ANYTHING?
- NO, NOTHING.
- YOU DIDN'T
ASK HIM ANYTHING?
- YEAH, I ASK
HIM ONE QUESTION.
I ASK HIM WHAT
HE THOUGHT OF MY FIGURE.
WELL, I MEAN,
AFTER ALL, ONLY YOUR FATHER
HAS SEEN, AND I WANTED TO FIND
OUT IF HE'D BEEN LYING TO ME
ALL THESE YEARS.
WANT TO KNOW WHAT
THE DOCTOR SAID?
- YEAH, I WANT
TO KNOW REAL BAD.
- HE SAID I HAD
A DYNAMITE BODY.
'COURSE, A LOT OF GOOD
THAT'S GOING TO DO ME NOW.
- OH, MA, COME ON.
YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
NOW, I'M TELLING YOU
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH. HEY,
MA, OLD AGE RUNS
IN OUR FAMILY.
LOOK AT GRANDMOTHER
MORGENSTERN, SHE'S 87.
- YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S YOUR FATHER'S MOTHER.
I HAVE GRANDMOTHER NESSEL.
REST HER SOUL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, GRANDMOTHER
MORGENSTERN ONCE SAID
SOMETHING VERY NICE
ON THE SUBJECT OF OLD AGE.
- WHAT'D SHE SAY, MA?
- SHE SAID, "I'M NOT AFRAID
OF DEATH, BECAUSE MY LIFE IS
NOT SUCH A BARGAIN."
- COME ON, MA.
NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE
A WONDERFUL LIFE.
- EH, THERE ARE THINGS
WRONG WITH IT.
- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL,
LIKE, I'VE NEVER BEEN AS CLOSE
TO YOU TWO
AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED.
- THAT'S SILLY.
WE'RE CLOSE.
IN FACT, WE'RE VERY CLOSE.
- NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN
AS CLOSE AS YOU TWO ARE CLOSE.
- OH, WELL,
MA, I MEAN, THAT'S NATURAL.
I MEAN,
AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A MOTHER.
- WHY WOULD THAT
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
JUST BECAUSE
I'M YOUR MOTHER?
I MEAN,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LIKE
A GIRLFRIEND TO YOU BECAUSE
YOU WERE ALWAYS THE BEST TWO
GIRLS I EVER KNEW.
- OH, THAT'S SWEET.
THAT'S CUTE.
- NO,
I'M BEING VERY SERIOUS NOW.
I MEAN,
YOU GIRLS NEVER TAKE ME
ANYWHERE WITH YOU.
YOU NEVER SHARE
THINGS WITH ME.
YOU NEVER LEND ME
YOUR SWEATERS.
- OH, MA.
MA, YOU WOULD LOOK
PRETTY SILLY WEARING
ONE OF OUR SWEATERS, HUH?
- WHY?
ARE YOU AFRAID I'D
STRETCH IT OUT OF SHAPE?
- LISTEN, YOU.
- NOW LISTEN--
- NO, NOW, YOU LISTEN.
I'M ALWAYS THE OUTSIDER HERE.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE NOT. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- THAT IS TRUE.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S TRUE.
YOU CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER,
AND YOU NEVER CONFIDE IN ME.
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
ONE SECRET ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
COME ON, NOW.
JUST FOR ONCE, INCLUDE ME.
TELL ME A SECRET
ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
- ONE.
- OK. SURE THING.
- UH, I'D BE GLAD TO.
UM, I'M SORRY, MA, I DON'T
HAVE ANY SECRETS RIGHT NOW.
- NOT EVEN ONE?
- NO.
- OH, NO.
PLEASE, NO.
- OH, COME ON, BRENDA.
YOU GOT A SECRET?
- AH, MA.
MA, JUST MY LUCK
I HAVE A SECRET.
I NEVER HAVE ANY SECRETS.
WHY TODAY DO I HAVE
TO HAVE A SECRET?
- BRENDA, WILL YOU TELL ME?
- MA, I CAN'T TELL YOU THIS
KIND OF A SECRET.
VINCE, YOU KNOW...
- I KNOW, YEAH, BUT, BRENDA,
WAIT A SECOND.
I MEAN, MA'S TRYING
TO BE FRIENDS HERE.
PALSIES AND EVERYTHING.
AND BESIDES, IT'S NOT ANYTHING
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED.
AND IF IT WILL MAKE
HER FEEL BETTER...
- OH, NO.
- COME ON.
- MA,
IT'S ABOUT, UH...UH, MY SECRET,
WHAT I HAVE,
IS--IT'S, UH...S--SEX.
SEX.
- BRENDA, ALL OF OUR
SECRETS ARE ABOUT SEX.
- WELL,
UH...YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS GUY
I'VE BEEN SEEING AND, UH,
NOT TOO LONG, AND I'M VERY
ATTRACTED TO HIM.
YOU KNOW HIM.
IT'S, UH, VINCE.
ANYWAY, UH, LATELY HE'S
BEEN PRESSURING ME TO BE
MORE INTIMATE.
- WELL, NOW I FEEL
LIKE A GIRLFRIEND.
OF COURSE, THIS IS ALL
A LITTLE NEW TO ME.
WHAT DID RHODA SAY WHEN
YOU TOLD HER THE STORY?
- OH,
SHE SAID I SHOULDN'T DO IT.
- OH, GOOD GIRL.
BUT, UH, I HAVE TO DISAGREE.
- WHAT?
- YOU SEE, THE TROUBLE
WITH RHODA IS...
SHE DOESN'T
THINK MODERN.
BRENDA, WHEN YOU'RE
IN MY POSITION,
AND YOU'RE WAITING
FOR THE PHONE TO RING
WITH YOUR FUTURE, YOU BEGIN TO
UNDERSTAND HOW UNIMPORTANT
SOME OF THE OLD RULES ARE.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO
SEIZE LIFE WITH BOTH HANDS.
HOLD ON AND TAKE THE WILDEST,
CRAZIEST, LONGEST
RIDE YOU CAN.
DON'T DO IT THE WAY
I DID IT, BRENDA.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
ENJOY, ENJOY, ENJOY.
- BOY, IS THIS WEIRD.
I MEAN, YOU'RE
A FABULOUS FRIEND.
- BOY,
MA, IF YOU HAD TOLD ME WHAT
YOU JUST TOLD BRENDA
WHEN I WAS HAV--
- YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THINGS
DIFFERENTLY, I SUPPOSE.
- NO, BUT I WOULD HAVE FELT
SO DIFFERENTLY ABOUT
THE THINGS I'VE DONE.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- HELLO?
WELL, HELLO, DOCTOR.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
SHE'S, UH--SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
YES.
- HEY, GIRLFRIENDS...
I'M SCARED.
HELLO, DOCTOR?
YES.
YES?
OH.
WELL, THANK--THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHAT?
OH, I NEVER HEARD
OF THAT BEFORE.
OH, OK.
YEAH.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YES.
AND THANK YOU.
THANK YOU AGAIN, DOCTOR.
IT'S NOT MY HEART.
- OH.
- IT'S NOT MY--I MEAN,
LISTEN, IT WASN'T PHYSICAL,
IT WAS EMOTIONAL.
- OH, MA, WHAT'D
I TELL YA, HUH?
- OH, YEAH.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT.
- OH, MA.
- EVERYTHING'S OK.
- WONDERFUL.
- IT IS.
- IT'S TERRIFIC.
BUT WHAT DID HE SAY
THAT WORRIED YOU?
HE TOLD YOU SOMETHING AFTER
HE TOLD YOU THE GOOD NEWS.
WHAT?
- WELL, IN
MY WHOLE EXAMINATION,
THEY ONLY FOUND ONE THING.
- YEAH?
- I SHRANK HALF AN INCH.
OH, WELL.
PETITE IS GOOD.
- THIS IS AN AWFUL DAY,
YOU KNOW, BUT, IN A FUNNY WAY,
IT KIND OF BROUGHT
US TOGETHER.
I MEAN,
I'M GLAD, BECAUSE I THINK OUR
RELATIONSHIP IS BETTER
THAN IT'S EVER BEEN.
- OH.
- AND THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
- OH, IT MAKES ME
HAPPY TOO, MA.
- OH,
MA, IT'S WONDERFUL.
I MEAN,
NOBODY HAS EVER HAD
A RELATIONSHIP LIKE
THAT WITH THEIR MOTHER.
- WELL,
NOW THAT EVERYTHING IS OK,
I'LL GO SEE VINCE TONIGHT.
- BRENDA, BEFORE YOU GO...
I THINK WE OUGHT TO HAVE
A LITTLE TALK.
A BIG, LITTLE TALK.
- OH, MA.