Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 15 - Good-Bye Charlie - full transcript
Rhoda and Joe are in the midst of hosting their first party as a couple. Although each knows the situation deep in his/her heart as the party progresses, they confirm with the other during their post-party debrief that the party ended up being an unmitigated disaster. Joe feels that the party would have benefited from the presence of his oldest and dearest friend, Charlie Burke, who Rhoda has not yet met. As such, they decide to invite Charlie over for dinner so that Joe's two favorite people can meet each other. Unlike the group party, there ends up being a disconnect between Joe and Rhoda's perspective on the dinner with Charlie after the fact. Joe felt Charlie and Rhoda hit it off, whereas Rhoda admits she didn't like Charlie, and she's pretty sure Charlie didn't like her, which is true. Charlie, a man's type of man, heaped one empty platitude to Rhoda after another, as he has done with all women friends of his buddies, and as he does to women he is trying to pick up. But Rhoda could see the emptiness of the praise, and didn't lap up that praise as most women have. Rhoda truly wants to have Charlie as a friend if only because of Joe, and as such suggests she go out with Charlie alone so that they can clear the air and get to that point of really being friends. While staying true to themselves as people, is there anything Rhoda and/or Charlie can do in their one on one to become friends?
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA? HELP.
- RHODA, YOU NEED
TO BORROW SOMETHING?
- NO, NO,
I'M LOOKING FOR A PLACE
TO HIDE OUT.
- OH,
WELL, THIS IS AS GOOD
A PLACE AS ANY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S
A BETTER PLACE THAN ANY.
WHO ARE YOU HIDING FROM?
- MY PARTY. BRENDA...
THE VERY FIRST PARTY THAT
JOE AND I GIVE, RIGHT?
IT'S BOMBING.
IT IS BOMBING, I TELL YOU.
IT IS TERRIBLE.
IT'S SO BAD UP THERE,
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
I SAID I WAS GOING
FOR MORE HORS D'OEUVRES.
- DID ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING?
- SURE. 20 PEOPLE SAID,
"LET ME GO.
PLEASE, ME, ME!
CAN I GO?"
- OH. COME ON, RHODA, I CAN'T
BELIEVE IT'S THAT BAD.
- OH, BELIEVE IT.
IT'S THE PITS.
I TELL YA, IT'S TERRIBLE...
BRENDA, AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I DID WRONG.
I MEAN,
IT'S JUST MY FRIENDS
- "COSMOPOLITAN" SAYS THAT
MAGIC HAPPENS WHEN YOU INVITE
REALLY OPPOSITE TYPES.
- WELL,
THE ONLY MAGIC IS THAT
SOMEBODY'S HUSBAND DISAPPEARED
WITHOUT A TRACE.
- RHODA, HOW CAN YOU BE SO
SURE IT'S NOT GOING GOOD?
YOU'RE ALWAYS EXAGGERATING.
- EXAGGERATING?
BRENDA, THEY'RE UP THERE
WATCHING "APPLE'S WAY."
- ALL OF THEM?
- NO, NO,
OF COURSE NOT ALL OF THEM.
ANOTHER GROUP IS IN THE
BEDROOM WATCHING DISNEY.
- LISTEN, RHODA,
YOU KNOW IT'S EARLY.
MAYBE IT'S JUST
STARTING OUT SLOW.
- HMM, NO.
I HAVE TO GO UP THERE.
RIGHT NOW.
IMMEDIATELY.
AHH.
- YEAH,
YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.
- THANKS A LOT.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D SAY,
"THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD,"
AND KNOCK ME UNCONSCIOUS.
- [CHUCKLES]
YOU KNOW, I BET SOME PEOPLE
WORK WEEKS TO PULL OFF A PARTY
THIS DULL.
BUT WE DID IT LIKE THAT, JOE.
WE'VE GOT THE KNACK.
- YEAH, SO WE'RE
NOT PARTY GIVERS.
EH, IT'S NOT THE END
OF THE WORLD.
BESIDES, ONE GOOD
THING CAME OUT OF IT.
I FOUND OUT WHO
MY REAL FRIENDS ARE.
- YEAH?
- THE ONES WHO ADMITTED THEY
WERE HAVING A ROTTEN TIME.
- OH, JOE, YOU'RE TAKING
THIS SO GOOD. YOU REALLY ARE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT EVEN
MAD THAT I SLIPPED OUT.
- WELL,
I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I SLIPPED OUT, TOO.
- YOU DID?
TO WHERE?
- OUT TO THE TERRACE.
THAT WAY, I FIGURED IF ANYBODY
REALLY WANTED A HOST TO TALK TO,
THEY COULD COME ON OUT.
- AND DID THEY?
- YEAH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
SOMEBODY WOULD COME OUT AND SAY,
"DOESN'T THE RAIN BOTHER YOU?"
- STOP IT.
WHAT ARE WE LAUGHING?
THIS IS SERIOUS.
NOW, THIS IS
A CRISIS SITUATION.
THE FIRST PARTY OF
OUR MARRIED LIFE DIED.
WE'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE DID WRONG, HUH?
NOW, I THINK I DID BAD
BECAUSE I WAS OVERANXIOUS.
SCARED.
I MEAN,
I WANTED ALL YOUR FRIENDS
TO THINK YOU WERE THE LUCKY ONE.
- YEAH.
I WAS NERVOUS, TOO.
- JOE,
WE ARE NOT A HIT WITH PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
WHAT'S GONNA BECOME OF US?
I CAN SEE US NOW.
TWO OLD PEOPLE, HUDDLED
TOGETHER, PLAYING CHECKERS
AND HUMMING.
- WELL,
THE PARTY WOULD REALLY HAVE
BEEN GREAT IF ONLY CHARLIE
WOULD'VE SHOWN UP.
- CHARLIE?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW. CHARLIE BURKE?
CHARLIE. MY BEST FRIEND SINCE
I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.
HE WAS MY BEST MAN
AT MY FIRST WEDDING.
- RIGHT. WHAT KIND
OF BEST FRIEND IS HE
THAT HE DOESN'T SHOW UP
WHEN YOU MOST NEED HIM?
- WELL, HE'S A SINGLE GUY
AND HE'S BUSY A LOT.
- YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- MAYBE I'LL GIVE HIM
A CALL TOMORROW
AND HE'LL COME OVER, HUH?
- TERRIFIC.
JOE, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD'VE
DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
START WITH ONE GUY AND GRADUALLY
WORK OUR WAY UP
TO AN ENTIRE COUPLE.
- ARE YOU SURE
EVERYTHING'S OK, JOE?
- OH, YEAH.
- WELL,
I USED EVERY WEDDING PRESENT
WE GOT, EXCEPT
FOR THE BUN WARMER.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,
NOBODY GAVE US ANY BUNS.
- HEY, RELAX, CHARLIE
WILL NEVER MISS THEM.
- YEAH.
WHICH CANDLE
SNUFFER SHOULD I USE?
THIS ONE.
NOW LISTEN, JOE, I HOPE
HE LIKES THE WINE I GOT,
BECAUSE THE MAN AT THE
LIQUOR STORE TOLD ME
THAT THIS IS GREAT.
IT GOES VERY WELL WITH MEAT,
FISH, OR POULTRY.
SORT OF AN EQUAL
OPPORTUNITY WINE.
- GREAT, GREAT.
TONIGHT'S REALLY GONNA BE FUN.
- WELL,
IT BETTER BE, THERE'S NOTHING
GOOD ON TELEVISION.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
CHARLIE!
- JOE.
- COME ON IN.
- GREAT TO SEE YA.
- CHARLIE?
THIS IS RHODA.
- JOE, I LOVE HER.
- HI.
- HEY.
- HOW ARE YA?
- YOU KNOW, JOE'S TOLD ME SO
MUCH ABOUT YOU, I'M REALLY
GLAD I FINALLY
GOT TO MEET YOU.
- OH, LISTEN, CHARLIE, I'M
GLAD TO FINALLY MEET YOU, TOO.
- YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE A GREAT LOOKING GIRL.
- THANK YOU.
- NO,
I MEAN YOU ARE GREAT LOOKING.
- OH, THANKS.
NOT JUST GOOD LOOKING
OR ATTRACTIVE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU
ARE GREAT LOOKING.
- OH, REALLY, COME ON NOW.
- WHAT A GREAT DRESS.
- OH, YEAH.
- MAKES YOU EVEN
GREATER LOOKING.
- HA HA. STOP,
I'M NOT, I'M REALLY--
- YOU ARE--UNTRUE, UNTRUE.
YOU ARE A GREAT LOOKING GIRL.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU?
I'M A GREAT...
- LOOKING GIRL.
- YEAH.
- AHH.
- JOE.
- YEAH?
- DID YOU SEE THE KNICKS
GAME ON THE TUBE LAST NIGHT?
- OH, YEAH.
- THAT FRAZIER.
IS HE SOMETHING,
OR IS HE SOMETHING?
- OH,
HE'S REALLY SOMETHING.
YOU REMEMBER THAT JUMP SHOT
AT THE END OF THE 3rd QUARTER?
- WASN'T THAT INCREDIBLE?
- YEAH.
- NOT ONLY THAT, BUT
HE'S GOT A THING HE DOES.
- HEY, CHARLIE.
IS THIS THING WITH THE
PINK RIBBONS ON IT FOR ME?
HUH?
HA HA HA.
- THIS IS FOR YOU.
- OH,
THANK YOU, CHARLIE.
- I, UH, THINK IT'S
THE PERFECT HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
- THERE'S A MAID IN HERE?
- GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
"A MAID IN HERE."
OH, THAT'S FUNNY.
YEAH. IT'S REALLY DELIGHTFUL
TO HEAR SOME
OF THE THINGS YOU SAY.
- IT'S, UH...IT'S A CUTIE.
- YEAH. I KNEW
SHE'D LIKE IT.
DON'T ALL GIRLS HAVE ONE OF THEM
STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTIONS?
- IS ONE A COLLECTION?
- YOU DON'T HAVE
A STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTION?
- NO.
- YOU GOT A CAT?
- NO.
- WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO PROVE?
IT'S OK.
WE ALL GOT OUR HANG-UPS.
IT'S GREAT.
- HEY, CHARLIE, WHAT CAN I GET
YOU TO DRINK, HUH?
SCOTCH? GIN? VODKA?
WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE?
- YOU GOT A BREW?
- OH, YEAH, SURE.
- YEAH.
- RHODA?
- OH, NOTHING, THANKS.
UH, CHARLIE, I HEAR YOU'RE
IN THE COMPUTER BUSINESS.
- YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH?
- IT'S A GREAT BUSINESS.
- UH-HUH.
- THE BEST.
- HOW'S BUSINESS?
- LOUSY.
- OH. TOO BAD.
- WELL,
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.
WE'VE GOT THIS MACHINE,
OUR COMPUTER.
IT'S NOT AS SMART
AS THE OTHERS.
- UH-HUH.
- BUT IT'S A LOT CUTER,
AND IT'S EASIER TO CLEAN,
SO WOMEN LOVE IT.
- I'M WAITING FOR
THE SELF-CLEANING MODEL,
THEN WE'RE GONNA GET ONE.
SO, CHARLIE...
UM, JOE NEVER
MENTIONED IT.
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN MARRIED?
- NO, BUT I'M STRAIGHT
AS A LOCOMOTIVE.
NO, NO, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
A LOT OF PEOPLE--THEY HEAR
YOU'RE A BACHELOR
AT MY AGE AND
RIGHT AWAY THEY THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
SO I JUST NOW
AUTOMATICALLY SAY,
"I'M STRAIGHT AS
A LOCOMOTIVE."
- HEY, CHARLIE, THIS
ALL RIGHT FOR YOU?
- YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT.
- OH, JOE.
USE THE WEDDING PRESENT.
YOU KNOW, THE PEWTER MUGS.
- OH,
GEE, I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEM.
- OH, NO, NO.
LISTEN, THE CAN'S FINE FOR ME.
I'M A CAN MAN.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. OH.
I SAID THAT RIGHT
IN FRONT OF A WOMAN.
- HEY, RHODA, HOW ABOUT DINNER?
CHARLIE'S PROBABLY STARVED.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
COME ON,
LET'S ALL SIT DOWN.
CHARLIE?
HERE.
- I'LL BET YOU'RE
A GREAT COOK.
- NO,
I'M A GREAT LITTLE COOK.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, JOE,
ARE YOU ON TO CABLE?
- OH, YEAH. SURE, WHY?
- WHY?
THE RANGERS GAME COMES ON
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
WE COULD WATCH
IT WHILE WE EAT.
- AW, GEE, CHARLIE.
RHODA WENT TO AN AWFUL LOT
OF TROUBLE...YOU KNOW.
- OH,
SHE CERTAINLY HAS, YES.
- YEAH,
LISTEN, I WAS KIND OF HOPING
WE COULD TALK, YOU KNOW,
AND GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WE'LL LEAVE THE SOUND OFF.
- OH.
RHODA, DINNER WAS GREAT.
REALLY. IT'S A REAL TREAT
FOR A BACHELOR LIKE ME.
USUALLY I EAT CRUD.
YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE COOK.
- YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE GUEST.
- SO, CHARLIE, WHEN ARE
WE GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN?
HUH, PAL?
- WELL, AS SOON
AS YOU INVITE ME.
- OK, OK, HOW ABOUT
NEXT TUESDAY?
HUH? RHODA?
- SURE.
FINE. TUESDAY'S FINE.
- OK.
- WELL, OK.
- LISTEN, I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS
TO THE HOCKEY GAME ON SUNDAY.
- OH, YEAH?
- YOU WANNA GO?
- DO I WANNA GO?
OH, MAN, I'D LOVE TO.
- OK. AND I'D LIKE TO
RECIPROCATE FOR TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T WE THREE OF US GO OUT
TO DINNER AND, UH,
WHAT DO YOU SAY THURSDAY?
THURSDAY NIGHT?
- THURSDAY? RHODA?
- SURE. FINE. YEAH.
THURSDAY'S FINE.
- OK. THAT'S GREAT.
WE'RE GONNA SEE EACH OTHER
THREE MORE TIMES THIS WEEK.
OH, BOY,
ARE YOU GONNA GET SICK OF ME.
- NEVER.
- AHEM.
WELL.
GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT CHARLIE.
- LATER, JOE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HA HA HA.
COME ON.
- [INDISTINCT]
- FORGET IT!
- [INDISTINCT]
- RIDICULOUS!
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
- SEE YA, BOY.
- YEAH, TAKE IT EASY.
- WELL?
WAS I RIGHT? HUH?
ISN'T HE SOMETHING?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE'S SOMETHING.
HE REALLY IS. HE REALLY
LIKES YOU, JOE.
- OH,
WELL, WE GO BACK A LONG WAY.
- AND YOU REALLY LIKE
CHARLIE, DON'T YA?
- WELL, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- DIDN'T YA LOVE HIM?
- THE QUESTION IS,
"DIDN'T I LOVE HIM?"
WELL, NOW, LISTEN.
LOVE IS
AN EXTREME TERM, JOE.
DON'T YOU THINK?
I MEAN,
WHAT YOU'RE REALLY ASKING IS,
"DIDN'T I LIKE HIM?"
- YEAH. DID YOU LIKE HIM?
- NO.
OH, JOE,
I DON'T THINK CHARLIE AND I
REALLY WERE CRAZY
ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU TWO REALLY HIT IT OFF.
HE SAID HE LIKED YOU
THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.
- NUH-UH. NO.
HE SAID HE LOVED ME
THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.
HOW CAN HE LOVE ME?
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
BESIDES, I DON'T TRUST ANYBODY
WHO LIKES ME RIGHT AWAY.
- OK, RHODA.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE CHARLIE,
IT'S NOT WORTH YOU
BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.
- MM-MMM.
- NO, WE'LL BREAK A COUPLE
OF DINNER DATES.
- NO BIG DEAL.
- NO, NO. JOE, LISTEN TO ME.
I WANT TO LIKE THE GUY.
I REALLY DO.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN BE
FRIEND WITH HIM IF HE KEEPS
COMPLIMENTING ME
ON EVERYTHING I DO,
SAY, COOK, WEAR, SIT ON,
TOUCH, BREATHE, THINK.
- HEY, COME ON. SO,
LOOK, WE JUST WON'T SEE HIM.
- THAT'S ALL.
- NO! HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.
- COME ON, I WANNA--
- I KNOW. SO?
- SO I WANNA TRY THERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF
I GOT TOGETHER WITH CHARLIE?
YOU KNOW, ON MY OWN?
JUST THE TWO OF US, TO TRY
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER?
WHADDAYA THINK?
- OH,
HONEY, I'D LOVE YOU FOR IT.
- OK. I'M GONNA DO THAT.
YEAH.
- SO, UH,
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU
AND CHARLIE ARE GONNA DO?
- OH...
WHAT'LL WE DO?
WE'LL GO FOR LUNCH.
WE'LL TALK...
HAVE A FEW BREWS,
PICK UP SOME CHICKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA?
- YEAH.
- HI.
- HI.
- OH, BOY, I CAUGHT YOU
AT A BAD TIME, RIGHT?
YOU'RE GOING OUT TO EXERCISE.
- NO, I FINISHED.
THE EXERCISER'S TRYING TO
GET IT OUT OF THE CLOSET.
TOMORROW I PUSH IT BACK IN.
- AHH.
- OH, WOW, DO YOU
EVER LOOK TERRIFIC.
- WELL...
BOY, YOU HAVEN'T
DRESSED SO GOOD
SINCE YOU WENT FOR AN EXTENSION
ON YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT.
- WELL, I'M GOING TO LUNCH
WITH JOE'S FRIEND, CHARLIE.
AND I CHANGED MY CLOTHES
FOUR TIMES ALREADY, BRENDA.
WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO MEET
A GUY YOU DON'T LIKE?
- YOU'RE ASKING
THE WRONG PERSON.
- STOP IT.
- LISTEN, RHO.
IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM,
WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING SO MUCH?
- WELL,
THIS DUMB NEED I HAVE TO DEAL
WITH THINGS HEAD ON.
- YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T
TOLD YOU HOW I FELT
ABOUT CHARLIE, BECAUSE
I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WOULD
BUM YOU OUT.
- I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU MET HIM.
- YEAH.
I SAW HIM AND JOE COMING OUT
OF THE ELEVATOR THE OTHER
NIGHT, AND HE ACTED JUST
LIKE HE DID WITH YOU.
- YEAH.
THE MINUTE HE KNEW
I WAS RELATED TO JOE,
HE TOLD ME HOW
TERRIFIC I WAS,
HOW GREAT I WAS DRESSED,
WHAT A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR I HAD.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULDN'T
BELIEVE A WORD HE WAS SAYING.
- SO YOU FELT
THE SAME WAY I DID?
- I THOUGHT HE WAS
THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN
I'VE EVER MET
IN MY LIFE.
- BUT, BREN, HE'S NOT
SINCERE ABOUT ANY OF IT.
- WELL,
I'D RATHER HAVE AN INSINCERE
PERSON SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT
ME THAN HAVE A SINCERE PERSON
SAY THE TRUTH.
- WILL YOU STOP THAT?
BRENDA...
BRENDA, YOU HAVE
TO UNDERSTAND.
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN
FIGHTING TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL,
AND NOW SUDDENLY SOMEBODY
LIKES ME BECAUSE I'M
MARRIED TO JOE.
I MEAN, I REMEMBER MEETING
MARRIED WOMEN AT PARTIES.
SOMETIMES YOU WOULDN'T
EVEN HEAR THEIR NAMES.
YOU'D HEAR, "THIS IS MY WIFE."
AS IN,
"THIS IS MY ARM."
HOW MANY WOMEN
HAVE LICKED THAT?
HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE FIGURED
OUT A WAY TO BE INDIVIDUALS,
YOU KNOW, AND MAKE
AN IMPACT ON THEIR OWN?
- AND WHAT ABOUT MA?
- NOT THAT MUCH OF AN IMPACT.
- EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU ALONE?
- YEAH, SOMETIMES.
BUT THEN, AREN'T WE ALL?
HA HA.
- NO, I MEAN, DO YOU PLAN
TO EAT HERE ALONE?
- WHY?
CAN'T I EAT HERE ALONE?
- LOOK, LADY, YOU
WOULDN'T LIKE IT HERE.
I MEAN,
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE A LOT
OF LOUD TALK ABOUT WOMEN.
LOTS OF DRINKIN'.
MAYBE SOME ROUGH LANGUAGE.
WOULD YA?
- WHY NOT?
SOUNDS A LOT LIKE
MY BRIDAL SHOWER.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL ME THE TRUTH?
YOU DON'T LIKE WOMEN COMING
IN HERE UNLESS THEY'RE
ESCORTED BY A MAN. RIGHT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WE PARTICULARLY DON'T
LIKE THEM COMING IN HERE
TRYING TO FIND A MAN
TO ESCORT THEM.
- HEY,
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE--
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE
TROUBLE, ARE YA, LADY?
- OH, NO. NO, NO.
LADIES NEVER MAKE TROUBLE.
I FIGURED I'D JUST COME IN,
CURTSY AND LEAVE.
- HEY, MR. BURKE.
- EXCUSE ME.
HEY, JULIE, HI.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
CALL AHEAD AND CLEAR HER.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
SHE WAS WITH YOU, UH...
- HEY, THE GREATEST OUTFIT
IN THE WORLD.
- OH, YEAH.
WASH AND WEAR.
TRAVELS GREAT.
- OH, EVEN BETTER.
YOUR TABLE'S NOT READY.
BE A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
- NO SWEAT.
WE'LL WAIT AT THE BAR.
- IF IT'S GOOD, NEXT TIME
I BRING ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS.
- I'LL HAVE A SCOTCH AND SODA.
RHODA?
- I'LL HAVE A BREW.
- SO, HOW'S THE OLD MAN?
- JOE? HE'S FINE.
- YEAH, HE LOOKS GREAT.
YOU'RE REALLY TAKING
GOOD CARE OF HIM.
- WELL, WHAT'S
A WIFE FOR, RIGHT?
- RIGHT. SAY,
I LIKE THAT, UH,
WHATCHAMACALLIT
THERE ON YOUR HEAD.
WHADDAYA CALL THAT?
- HAIR.
- HAIR.
HEY, HOW IS IT GOIN' THERE?
SO, RHODA, WHAT
ARE WE DOING HERE?
I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
- OK, CHARLIE.
UH...IT'S A LITTLE
TOUGH TO GET INTO.
I MEAN, CAN YOU
GIVE ME A MINUTE?
I MEAN, YOU TALK.
- ME? WHADDAYA MEAN?
YOU CALLED THIS MEETING.
I MEAN, I CAN'T JUST STAND HERE
AND TALK TO YOU LIKE YOU'RE SOME
GIRL I'M TAKING OUT.
- WELL, WHY NOT?
- WELL,
NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
- SURE, YOU CAN.
- NO,
I DON'T THINK SO.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY
TO THEM THAT'S DIFFERENT
THAN YOU WOULD SAY TO ME?
- WELL, I'D TELL THEM THINGS
ABOUT MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?
- WELL? LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, LIKE, UH...
WELL, LIKE WHEN
I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.
IT WAS CHRISTMAS.
BOY, I WAS REALLY A POOR KID.
WE HAD NO MONEY AT ALL.
ANY PRESENTS WE GOT CAME
FROM THE WELFARE WORKER.
HEH.
I GOT A HANKY AND AN ORANGE.
- AW.
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT REALLY IS.
BOY, NOW WHY COULDN'T
YOU TELL ME THAT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE.
I DON'T WANT TO
COME ON TO YOU.
- THAT WAS A COME ON?
THAT BEAUTIFUL, THAT TOUCHING
STORY WAS A COME ON?
- WORKS EVERY TIME.
- TABLE'S READY, MR. BURKE.
- LISTEN, CHARLIE.
EXCUSE ME.
THAT, UH, THAT STORY,
THAT LOVELY
STORY YOU JUST TOLD ME,
THAT WASN'T TRUE?
- WELL, SURE IT WAS TRUE.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
LOTS OF THINGS ARE TRUE,
BUT THEY DON'T WORK.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- LOOK, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE HERE.
THE STORY I JUST TOLD
YOU ABOUT WHEN I WAS 9.
- YEAH?
- AND IT WAS CHRISTMAS.
WELL,
THE NEXT YEAR, WHEN I WAS 10,
MY FATHER HAD A JOB.
WE HAD A TREE.
I GOT A FEW TOYS.
- UH-HUH.
- THAT'S IT, SEE? NOTHING.
- OH, OK.
AHH.
OK, CHARLIE.
I THINK I'M READY TO TALK NOW.
I FEEL THAT YOU
AND I HAVE--
I'M NOT READY.
- RHODA?
HEY, MAYBE I CAN HELP.
LET ME GO FIRST.
- OH, YEAH, LISTEN,
THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
THANK YOU.
- RHODA?
I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.
- AHH. IS THIS ANOTHER
ONE OF YOUR COME ONS?
- WHAT?
- OK, YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
GRANTED. NOW WHY?
WHAT IS THERE ABOUT ME
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE?
- YOU'RE A WIFE.
- OH,
THAT REALLY CLEARS THINGS UP.
- NO, NO, NO,
WHAT I MEAN IS, WHY DON'T YOU
ACT LIKE A WIFE?
- HOW IS A WIFE
SUPPOSED TO ACT?
- RHODA,
I COMPLIMENTED YOU
ON YOUR COOKING,
ON YOUR CLOTHES,
ON THE WAY YOU FIXED
UP THE APARTMENT.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
THE COURTESY TO EAT IT UP.
DON'T YOU CARE
ABOUT THOSE THINGS?
- SURE, I CARE.
BUT I CARE ABOUT OTHER
THINGS, AS WELL.
CHARLIE, THERE'S
A WHOLE PERSON HERE.
- WELL, I KNOW THAT.
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?
- NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
- UNTRUE.
UNTRUE!
- UNTRUE?
THE ONLY REASON YOU
WANT TO TALK TO ME NOW
IS THAT I'M
JOE'S WIFE.
- AH.
- NOW LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
SETTLE FOR THAT, CHARLIE.
I WANT FOR US TO BE FRIENDS.
- OH, COME ON.
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE
FRIENDS WITH ME
IF I WASN'T
JOE'S FRIEND?
- NO.
- WELL, THERE YA ARE.
THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT
TO LIKE ME IS BECAUSE I'M
JOE'S FRIEND.
- YEAH, SURE.
AND THE ONLY REASON
YOU WANT TO LIKE ME IS
BECAUSE I'M JOE'S WIFE.
- OK. I'LL LIKE YOU.
YOU'LL LIKE ME.
WE'LL LIKE EACH OTHER!
IT'S SETTLED. THAT'S IT.
- OK, CHARLIE.
OK, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- EH, MAKE BELIEVE
WE LIKE EACH OTHER.
- NO, NO, NOT
UNTIL WE REALLY DO.
- THAT COULD TAKE YEARS.
- YEAH,
BUT IT'S BETTER THAN BEING
PHONY WITH EACH OTHER.
- YOU KNOW?
I LIKE YOU FOR THAT.
- YOU MEAN IT?
- NO.
RHODA, PASS THE SALT.
- GET IT YOURSELF.
- OK, CHARLIE, LISTEN.
I FIGURE I'M GONNA BE MARRIED
TO JOE FOR A LONG TIME.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO TRY
THIS AGAIN AFTER AWHILE.
- WHAT FOR?
- BECAUSE I WANT US
TO BE FRIENDS.
- HOW DO WE DO THAT?
WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER.
- WE COULD TRY.
- OH, TRY...
- LISTEN, WHY CAN'T
WE AT LEAST TRY
TO BE REAL FRIENDS? HUH?
- HA HA HA.
- WHY NOT?
- IF I TOLD YA,
YOU'D REALLY HATE ME.
- YEAH? TRY ME.
JUST TRY.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TRY.
I THINK MEN ARE MORE
INTERESTING THAN WOMEN.
- OH, COME ON.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- I THINK MEN ARE
MORE FUN THAN WOMEN.
- THAT'S A TOTALLY
IRRATIONAL STATEMENT.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO ONE FURTHER.
I LIKE MEN BETTER THAN WOMEN!
[PLATES CRASHING]
- THIS IS MY FAVORITE HANGOUT.
I CAN'T COME HERE ANYMORE.
THANKS A LOT, RHODA.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA? HELP.
- RHODA, YOU NEED
TO BORROW SOMETHING?
- NO, NO,
I'M LOOKING FOR A PLACE
TO HIDE OUT.
- OH,
WELL, THIS IS AS GOOD
A PLACE AS ANY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S
A BETTER PLACE THAN ANY.
WHO ARE YOU HIDING FROM?
- MY PARTY. BRENDA...
THE VERY FIRST PARTY THAT
JOE AND I GIVE, RIGHT?
IT'S BOMBING.
IT IS BOMBING, I TELL YOU.
IT IS TERRIBLE.
IT'S SO BAD UP THERE,
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
I SAID I WAS GOING
FOR MORE HORS D'OEUVRES.
- DID ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING?
- SURE. 20 PEOPLE SAID,
"LET ME GO.
PLEASE, ME, ME!
CAN I GO?"
- OH. COME ON, RHODA, I CAN'T
BELIEVE IT'S THAT BAD.
- OH, BELIEVE IT.
IT'S THE PITS.
I TELL YA, IT'S TERRIBLE...
BRENDA, AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I DID WRONG.
I MEAN,
IT'S JUST MY FRIENDS
- "COSMOPOLITAN" SAYS THAT
MAGIC HAPPENS WHEN YOU INVITE
REALLY OPPOSITE TYPES.
- WELL,
THE ONLY MAGIC IS THAT
SOMEBODY'S HUSBAND DISAPPEARED
WITHOUT A TRACE.
- RHODA, HOW CAN YOU BE SO
SURE IT'S NOT GOING GOOD?
YOU'RE ALWAYS EXAGGERATING.
- EXAGGERATING?
BRENDA, THEY'RE UP THERE
WATCHING "APPLE'S WAY."
- ALL OF THEM?
- NO, NO,
OF COURSE NOT ALL OF THEM.
ANOTHER GROUP IS IN THE
BEDROOM WATCHING DISNEY.
- LISTEN, RHODA,
YOU KNOW IT'S EARLY.
MAYBE IT'S JUST
STARTING OUT SLOW.
- HMM, NO.
I HAVE TO GO UP THERE.
RIGHT NOW.
IMMEDIATELY.
AHH.
- YEAH,
YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.
- THANKS A LOT.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D SAY,
"THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD,"
AND KNOCK ME UNCONSCIOUS.
- [CHUCKLES]
YOU KNOW, I BET SOME PEOPLE
WORK WEEKS TO PULL OFF A PARTY
THIS DULL.
BUT WE DID IT LIKE THAT, JOE.
WE'VE GOT THE KNACK.
- YEAH, SO WE'RE
NOT PARTY GIVERS.
EH, IT'S NOT THE END
OF THE WORLD.
BESIDES, ONE GOOD
THING CAME OUT OF IT.
I FOUND OUT WHO
MY REAL FRIENDS ARE.
- YEAH?
- THE ONES WHO ADMITTED THEY
WERE HAVING A ROTTEN TIME.
- OH, JOE, YOU'RE TAKING
THIS SO GOOD. YOU REALLY ARE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT EVEN
MAD THAT I SLIPPED OUT.
- WELL,
I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I SLIPPED OUT, TOO.
- YOU DID?
TO WHERE?
- OUT TO THE TERRACE.
THAT WAY, I FIGURED IF ANYBODY
REALLY WANTED A HOST TO TALK TO,
THEY COULD COME ON OUT.
- AND DID THEY?
- YEAH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
SOMEBODY WOULD COME OUT AND SAY,
"DOESN'T THE RAIN BOTHER YOU?"
- STOP IT.
WHAT ARE WE LAUGHING?
THIS IS SERIOUS.
NOW, THIS IS
A CRISIS SITUATION.
THE FIRST PARTY OF
OUR MARRIED LIFE DIED.
WE'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE DID WRONG, HUH?
NOW, I THINK I DID BAD
BECAUSE I WAS OVERANXIOUS.
SCARED.
I MEAN,
I WANTED ALL YOUR FRIENDS
TO THINK YOU WERE THE LUCKY ONE.
- YEAH.
I WAS NERVOUS, TOO.
- JOE,
WE ARE NOT A HIT WITH PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
WHAT'S GONNA BECOME OF US?
I CAN SEE US NOW.
TWO OLD PEOPLE, HUDDLED
TOGETHER, PLAYING CHECKERS
AND HUMMING.
- WELL,
THE PARTY WOULD REALLY HAVE
BEEN GREAT IF ONLY CHARLIE
WOULD'VE SHOWN UP.
- CHARLIE?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW. CHARLIE BURKE?
CHARLIE. MY BEST FRIEND SINCE
I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.
HE WAS MY BEST MAN
AT MY FIRST WEDDING.
- RIGHT. WHAT KIND
OF BEST FRIEND IS HE
THAT HE DOESN'T SHOW UP
WHEN YOU MOST NEED HIM?
- WELL, HE'S A SINGLE GUY
AND HE'S BUSY A LOT.
- YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- MAYBE I'LL GIVE HIM
A CALL TOMORROW
AND HE'LL COME OVER, HUH?
- TERRIFIC.
JOE, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD'VE
DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
START WITH ONE GUY AND GRADUALLY
WORK OUR WAY UP
TO AN ENTIRE COUPLE.
- ARE YOU SURE
EVERYTHING'S OK, JOE?
- OH, YEAH.
- WELL,
I USED EVERY WEDDING PRESENT
WE GOT, EXCEPT
FOR THE BUN WARMER.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,
NOBODY GAVE US ANY BUNS.
- HEY, RELAX, CHARLIE
WILL NEVER MISS THEM.
- YEAH.
WHICH CANDLE
SNUFFER SHOULD I USE?
THIS ONE.
NOW LISTEN, JOE, I HOPE
HE LIKES THE WINE I GOT,
BECAUSE THE MAN AT THE
LIQUOR STORE TOLD ME
THAT THIS IS GREAT.
IT GOES VERY WELL WITH MEAT,
FISH, OR POULTRY.
SORT OF AN EQUAL
OPPORTUNITY WINE.
- GREAT, GREAT.
TONIGHT'S REALLY GONNA BE FUN.
- WELL,
IT BETTER BE, THERE'S NOTHING
GOOD ON TELEVISION.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS.
CHARLIE!
- JOE.
- COME ON IN.
- GREAT TO SEE YA.
- CHARLIE?
THIS IS RHODA.
- JOE, I LOVE HER.
- HI.
- HEY.
- HOW ARE YA?
- YOU KNOW, JOE'S TOLD ME SO
MUCH ABOUT YOU, I'M REALLY
GLAD I FINALLY
GOT TO MEET YOU.
- OH, LISTEN, CHARLIE, I'M
GLAD TO FINALLY MEET YOU, TOO.
- YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE A GREAT LOOKING GIRL.
- THANK YOU.
- NO,
I MEAN YOU ARE GREAT LOOKING.
- OH, THANKS.
NOT JUST GOOD LOOKING
OR ATTRACTIVE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU
ARE GREAT LOOKING.
- OH, REALLY, COME ON NOW.
- WHAT A GREAT DRESS.
- OH, YEAH.
- MAKES YOU EVEN
GREATER LOOKING.
- HA HA. STOP,
I'M NOT, I'M REALLY--
- YOU ARE--UNTRUE, UNTRUE.
YOU ARE A GREAT LOOKING GIRL.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU?
I'M A GREAT...
- LOOKING GIRL.
- YEAH.
- AHH.
- JOE.
- YEAH?
- DID YOU SEE THE KNICKS
GAME ON THE TUBE LAST NIGHT?
- OH, YEAH.
- THAT FRAZIER.
IS HE SOMETHING,
OR IS HE SOMETHING?
- OH,
HE'S REALLY SOMETHING.
YOU REMEMBER THAT JUMP SHOT
AT THE END OF THE 3rd QUARTER?
- WASN'T THAT INCREDIBLE?
- YEAH.
- NOT ONLY THAT, BUT
HE'S GOT A THING HE DOES.
- HEY, CHARLIE.
IS THIS THING WITH THE
PINK RIBBONS ON IT FOR ME?
HUH?
HA HA HA.
- THIS IS FOR YOU.
- OH,
THANK YOU, CHARLIE.
- I, UH, THINK IT'S
THE PERFECT HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
- THERE'S A MAID IN HERE?
- GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
"A MAID IN HERE."
OH, THAT'S FUNNY.
YEAH. IT'S REALLY DELIGHTFUL
TO HEAR SOME
OF THE THINGS YOU SAY.
- IT'S, UH...IT'S A CUTIE.
- YEAH. I KNEW
SHE'D LIKE IT.
DON'T ALL GIRLS HAVE ONE OF THEM
STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTIONS?
- IS ONE A COLLECTION?
- YOU DON'T HAVE
A STUFFED ANIMAL COLLECTION?
- NO.
- YOU GOT A CAT?
- NO.
- WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO PROVE?
IT'S OK.
WE ALL GOT OUR HANG-UPS.
IT'S GREAT.
- HEY, CHARLIE, WHAT CAN I GET
YOU TO DRINK, HUH?
SCOTCH? GIN? VODKA?
WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE?
- YOU GOT A BREW?
- OH, YEAH, SURE.
- YEAH.
- RHODA?
- OH, NOTHING, THANKS.
UH, CHARLIE, I HEAR YOU'RE
IN THE COMPUTER BUSINESS.
- YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH?
- IT'S A GREAT BUSINESS.
- UH-HUH.
- THE BEST.
- HOW'S BUSINESS?
- LOUSY.
- OH. TOO BAD.
- WELL,
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.
WE'VE GOT THIS MACHINE,
OUR COMPUTER.
IT'S NOT AS SMART
AS THE OTHERS.
- UH-HUH.
- BUT IT'S A LOT CUTER,
AND IT'S EASIER TO CLEAN,
SO WOMEN LOVE IT.
- I'M WAITING FOR
THE SELF-CLEANING MODEL,
THEN WE'RE GONNA GET ONE.
SO, CHARLIE...
UM, JOE NEVER
MENTIONED IT.
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN MARRIED?
- NO, BUT I'M STRAIGHT
AS A LOCOMOTIVE.
NO, NO, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
A LOT OF PEOPLE--THEY HEAR
YOU'RE A BACHELOR
AT MY AGE AND
RIGHT AWAY THEY THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
SO I JUST NOW
AUTOMATICALLY SAY,
"I'M STRAIGHT AS
A LOCOMOTIVE."
- HEY, CHARLIE, THIS
ALL RIGHT FOR YOU?
- YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT.
- OH, JOE.
USE THE WEDDING PRESENT.
YOU KNOW, THE PEWTER MUGS.
- OH,
GEE, I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEM.
- OH, NO, NO.
LISTEN, THE CAN'S FINE FOR ME.
I'M A CAN MAN.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. OH.
I SAID THAT RIGHT
IN FRONT OF A WOMAN.
- HEY, RHODA, HOW ABOUT DINNER?
CHARLIE'S PROBABLY STARVED.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
COME ON,
LET'S ALL SIT DOWN.
CHARLIE?
HERE.
- I'LL BET YOU'RE
A GREAT COOK.
- NO,
I'M A GREAT LITTLE COOK.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, JOE,
ARE YOU ON TO CABLE?
- OH, YEAH. SURE, WHY?
- WHY?
THE RANGERS GAME COMES ON
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
WE COULD WATCH
IT WHILE WE EAT.
- AW, GEE, CHARLIE.
RHODA WENT TO AN AWFUL LOT
OF TROUBLE...YOU KNOW.
- OH,
SHE CERTAINLY HAS, YES.
- YEAH,
LISTEN, I WAS KIND OF HOPING
WE COULD TALK, YOU KNOW,
AND GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WE'LL LEAVE THE SOUND OFF.
- OH.
RHODA, DINNER WAS GREAT.
REALLY. IT'S A REAL TREAT
FOR A BACHELOR LIKE ME.
USUALLY I EAT CRUD.
YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE COOK.
- YOU'RE A GREAT LITTLE GUEST.
- SO, CHARLIE, WHEN ARE
WE GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN?
HUH, PAL?
- WELL, AS SOON
AS YOU INVITE ME.
- OK, OK, HOW ABOUT
NEXT TUESDAY?
HUH? RHODA?
- SURE.
FINE. TUESDAY'S FINE.
- OK.
- WELL, OK.
- LISTEN, I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS
TO THE HOCKEY GAME ON SUNDAY.
- OH, YEAH?
- YOU WANNA GO?
- DO I WANNA GO?
OH, MAN, I'D LOVE TO.
- OK. AND I'D LIKE TO
RECIPROCATE FOR TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T WE THREE OF US GO OUT
TO DINNER AND, UH,
WHAT DO YOU SAY THURSDAY?
THURSDAY NIGHT?
- THURSDAY? RHODA?
- SURE. FINE. YEAH.
THURSDAY'S FINE.
- OK. THAT'S GREAT.
WE'RE GONNA SEE EACH OTHER
THREE MORE TIMES THIS WEEK.
OH, BOY,
ARE YOU GONNA GET SICK OF ME.
- NEVER.
- AHEM.
WELL.
GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT CHARLIE.
- LATER, JOE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HA HA HA.
COME ON.
- [INDISTINCT]
- FORGET IT!
- [INDISTINCT]
- RIDICULOUS!
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
- SEE YA, BOY.
- YEAH, TAKE IT EASY.
- WELL?
WAS I RIGHT? HUH?
ISN'T HE SOMETHING?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE'S SOMETHING.
HE REALLY IS. HE REALLY
LIKES YOU, JOE.
- OH,
WELL, WE GO BACK A LONG WAY.
- AND YOU REALLY LIKE
CHARLIE, DON'T YA?
- WELL, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- DIDN'T YA LOVE HIM?
- THE QUESTION IS,
"DIDN'T I LOVE HIM?"
WELL, NOW, LISTEN.
LOVE IS
AN EXTREME TERM, JOE.
DON'T YOU THINK?
I MEAN,
WHAT YOU'RE REALLY ASKING IS,
"DIDN'T I LIKE HIM?"
- YEAH. DID YOU LIKE HIM?
- NO.
OH, JOE,
I DON'T THINK CHARLIE AND I
REALLY WERE CRAZY
ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU TWO REALLY HIT IT OFF.
HE SAID HE LIKED YOU
THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.
- NUH-UH. NO.
HE SAID HE LOVED ME
THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.
HOW CAN HE LOVE ME?
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
BESIDES, I DON'T TRUST ANYBODY
WHO LIKES ME RIGHT AWAY.
- OK, RHODA.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE CHARLIE,
IT'S NOT WORTH YOU
BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.
- MM-MMM.
- NO, WE'LL BREAK A COUPLE
OF DINNER DATES.
- NO BIG DEAL.
- NO, NO. JOE, LISTEN TO ME.
I WANT TO LIKE THE GUY.
I REALLY DO.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN BE
FRIEND WITH HIM IF HE KEEPS
COMPLIMENTING ME
ON EVERYTHING I DO,
SAY, COOK, WEAR, SIT ON,
TOUCH, BREATHE, THINK.
- HEY, COME ON. SO,
LOOK, WE JUST WON'T SEE HIM.
- THAT'S ALL.
- NO! HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.
- COME ON, I WANNA--
- I KNOW. SO?
- SO I WANNA TRY THERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF
I GOT TOGETHER WITH CHARLIE?
YOU KNOW, ON MY OWN?
JUST THE TWO OF US, TO TRY
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER?
WHADDAYA THINK?
- OH,
HONEY, I'D LOVE YOU FOR IT.
- OK. I'M GONNA DO THAT.
YEAH.
- SO, UH,
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU
AND CHARLIE ARE GONNA DO?
- OH...
WHAT'LL WE DO?
WE'LL GO FOR LUNCH.
WE'LL TALK...
HAVE A FEW BREWS,
PICK UP SOME CHICKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA?
- YEAH.
- HI.
- HI.
- OH, BOY, I CAUGHT YOU
AT A BAD TIME, RIGHT?
YOU'RE GOING OUT TO EXERCISE.
- NO, I FINISHED.
THE EXERCISER'S TRYING TO
GET IT OUT OF THE CLOSET.
TOMORROW I PUSH IT BACK IN.
- AHH.
- OH, WOW, DO YOU
EVER LOOK TERRIFIC.
- WELL...
BOY, YOU HAVEN'T
DRESSED SO GOOD
SINCE YOU WENT FOR AN EXTENSION
ON YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT.
- WELL, I'M GOING TO LUNCH
WITH JOE'S FRIEND, CHARLIE.
AND I CHANGED MY CLOTHES
FOUR TIMES ALREADY, BRENDA.
WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO MEET
A GUY YOU DON'T LIKE?
- YOU'RE ASKING
THE WRONG PERSON.
- STOP IT.
- LISTEN, RHO.
IF YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM,
WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING SO MUCH?
- WELL,
THIS DUMB NEED I HAVE TO DEAL
WITH THINGS HEAD ON.
- YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T
TOLD YOU HOW I FELT
ABOUT CHARLIE, BECAUSE
I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WOULD
BUM YOU OUT.
- I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU MET HIM.
- YEAH.
I SAW HIM AND JOE COMING OUT
OF THE ELEVATOR THE OTHER
NIGHT, AND HE ACTED JUST
LIKE HE DID WITH YOU.
- YEAH.
THE MINUTE HE KNEW
I WAS RELATED TO JOE,
HE TOLD ME HOW
TERRIFIC I WAS,
HOW GREAT I WAS DRESSED,
WHAT A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR I HAD.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULDN'T
BELIEVE A WORD HE WAS SAYING.
- SO YOU FELT
THE SAME WAY I DID?
- I THOUGHT HE WAS
THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN
I'VE EVER MET
IN MY LIFE.
- BUT, BREN, HE'S NOT
SINCERE ABOUT ANY OF IT.
- WELL,
I'D RATHER HAVE AN INSINCERE
PERSON SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT
ME THAN HAVE A SINCERE PERSON
SAY THE TRUTH.
- WILL YOU STOP THAT?
BRENDA...
BRENDA, YOU HAVE
TO UNDERSTAND.
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN
FIGHTING TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL,
AND NOW SUDDENLY SOMEBODY
LIKES ME BECAUSE I'M
MARRIED TO JOE.
I MEAN, I REMEMBER MEETING
MARRIED WOMEN AT PARTIES.
SOMETIMES YOU WOULDN'T
EVEN HEAR THEIR NAMES.
YOU'D HEAR, "THIS IS MY WIFE."
AS IN,
"THIS IS MY ARM."
HOW MANY WOMEN
HAVE LICKED THAT?
HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE FIGURED
OUT A WAY TO BE INDIVIDUALS,
YOU KNOW, AND MAKE
AN IMPACT ON THEIR OWN?
- AND WHAT ABOUT MA?
- NOT THAT MUCH OF AN IMPACT.
- EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU ALONE?
- YEAH, SOMETIMES.
BUT THEN, AREN'T WE ALL?
HA HA.
- NO, I MEAN, DO YOU PLAN
TO EAT HERE ALONE?
- WHY?
CAN'T I EAT HERE ALONE?
- LOOK, LADY, YOU
WOULDN'T LIKE IT HERE.
I MEAN,
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE A LOT
OF LOUD TALK ABOUT WOMEN.
LOTS OF DRINKIN'.
MAYBE SOME ROUGH LANGUAGE.
WOULD YA?
- WHY NOT?
SOUNDS A LOT LIKE
MY BRIDAL SHOWER.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL ME THE TRUTH?
YOU DON'T LIKE WOMEN COMING
IN HERE UNLESS THEY'RE
ESCORTED BY A MAN. RIGHT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WE PARTICULARLY DON'T
LIKE THEM COMING IN HERE
TRYING TO FIND A MAN
TO ESCORT THEM.
- HEY,
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE--
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE
TROUBLE, ARE YA, LADY?
- OH, NO. NO, NO.
LADIES NEVER MAKE TROUBLE.
I FIGURED I'D JUST COME IN,
CURTSY AND LEAVE.
- HEY, MR. BURKE.
- EXCUSE ME.
HEY, JULIE, HI.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
CALL AHEAD AND CLEAR HER.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
SHE WAS WITH YOU, UH...
- HEY, THE GREATEST OUTFIT
IN THE WORLD.
- OH, YEAH.
WASH AND WEAR.
TRAVELS GREAT.
- OH, EVEN BETTER.
YOUR TABLE'S NOT READY.
BE A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
- NO SWEAT.
WE'LL WAIT AT THE BAR.
- IF IT'S GOOD, NEXT TIME
I BRING ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS.
- I'LL HAVE A SCOTCH AND SODA.
RHODA?
- I'LL HAVE A BREW.
- SO, HOW'S THE OLD MAN?
- JOE? HE'S FINE.
- YEAH, HE LOOKS GREAT.
YOU'RE REALLY TAKING
GOOD CARE OF HIM.
- WELL, WHAT'S
A WIFE FOR, RIGHT?
- RIGHT. SAY,
I LIKE THAT, UH,
WHATCHAMACALLIT
THERE ON YOUR HEAD.
WHADDAYA CALL THAT?
- HAIR.
- HAIR.
HEY, HOW IS IT GOIN' THERE?
SO, RHODA, WHAT
ARE WE DOING HERE?
I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
- OK, CHARLIE.
UH...IT'S A LITTLE
TOUGH TO GET INTO.
I MEAN, CAN YOU
GIVE ME A MINUTE?
I MEAN, YOU TALK.
- ME? WHADDAYA MEAN?
YOU CALLED THIS MEETING.
I MEAN, I CAN'T JUST STAND HERE
AND TALK TO YOU LIKE YOU'RE SOME
GIRL I'M TAKING OUT.
- WELL, WHY NOT?
- WELL,
NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
- SURE, YOU CAN.
- NO,
I DON'T THINK SO.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY
TO THEM THAT'S DIFFERENT
THAN YOU WOULD SAY TO ME?
- WELL, I'D TELL THEM THINGS
ABOUT MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?
- WELL? LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, LIKE, UH...
WELL, LIKE WHEN
I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.
IT WAS CHRISTMAS.
BOY, I WAS REALLY A POOR KID.
WE HAD NO MONEY AT ALL.
ANY PRESENTS WE GOT CAME
FROM THE WELFARE WORKER.
HEH.
I GOT A HANKY AND AN ORANGE.
- AW.
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT REALLY IS.
BOY, NOW WHY COULDN'T
YOU TELL ME THAT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE.
I DON'T WANT TO
COME ON TO YOU.
- THAT WAS A COME ON?
THAT BEAUTIFUL, THAT TOUCHING
STORY WAS A COME ON?
- WORKS EVERY TIME.
- TABLE'S READY, MR. BURKE.
- LISTEN, CHARLIE.
EXCUSE ME.
THAT, UH, THAT STORY,
THAT LOVELY
STORY YOU JUST TOLD ME,
THAT WASN'T TRUE?
- WELL, SURE IT WAS TRUE.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
LOTS OF THINGS ARE TRUE,
BUT THEY DON'T WORK.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- LOOK, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE HERE.
THE STORY I JUST TOLD
YOU ABOUT WHEN I WAS 9.
- YEAH?
- AND IT WAS CHRISTMAS.
WELL,
THE NEXT YEAR, WHEN I WAS 10,
MY FATHER HAD A JOB.
WE HAD A TREE.
I GOT A FEW TOYS.
- UH-HUH.
- THAT'S IT, SEE? NOTHING.
- OH, OK.
AHH.
OK, CHARLIE.
I THINK I'M READY TO TALK NOW.
I FEEL THAT YOU
AND I HAVE--
I'M NOT READY.
- RHODA?
HEY, MAYBE I CAN HELP.
LET ME GO FIRST.
- OH, YEAH, LISTEN,
THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
THANK YOU.
- RHODA?
I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.
- AHH. IS THIS ANOTHER
ONE OF YOUR COME ONS?
- WHAT?
- OK, YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
GRANTED. NOW WHY?
WHAT IS THERE ABOUT ME
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE?
- YOU'RE A WIFE.
- OH,
THAT REALLY CLEARS THINGS UP.
- NO, NO, NO,
WHAT I MEAN IS, WHY DON'T YOU
ACT LIKE A WIFE?
- HOW IS A WIFE
SUPPOSED TO ACT?
- RHODA,
I COMPLIMENTED YOU
ON YOUR COOKING,
ON YOUR CLOTHES,
ON THE WAY YOU FIXED
UP THE APARTMENT.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
THE COURTESY TO EAT IT UP.
DON'T YOU CARE
ABOUT THOSE THINGS?
- SURE, I CARE.
BUT I CARE ABOUT OTHER
THINGS, AS WELL.
CHARLIE, THERE'S
A WHOLE PERSON HERE.
- WELL, I KNOW THAT.
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?
- NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
- UNTRUE.
UNTRUE!
- UNTRUE?
THE ONLY REASON YOU
WANT TO TALK TO ME NOW
IS THAT I'M
JOE'S WIFE.
- AH.
- NOW LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
SETTLE FOR THAT, CHARLIE.
I WANT FOR US TO BE FRIENDS.
- OH, COME ON.
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE
FRIENDS WITH ME
IF I WASN'T
JOE'S FRIEND?
- NO.
- WELL, THERE YA ARE.
THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT
TO LIKE ME IS BECAUSE I'M
JOE'S FRIEND.
- YEAH, SURE.
AND THE ONLY REASON
YOU WANT TO LIKE ME IS
BECAUSE I'M JOE'S WIFE.
- OK. I'LL LIKE YOU.
YOU'LL LIKE ME.
WE'LL LIKE EACH OTHER!
IT'S SETTLED. THAT'S IT.
- OK, CHARLIE.
OK, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- EH, MAKE BELIEVE
WE LIKE EACH OTHER.
- NO, NO, NOT
UNTIL WE REALLY DO.
- THAT COULD TAKE YEARS.
- YEAH,
BUT IT'S BETTER THAN BEING
PHONY WITH EACH OTHER.
- YOU KNOW?
I LIKE YOU FOR THAT.
- YOU MEAN IT?
- NO.
RHODA, PASS THE SALT.
- GET IT YOURSELF.
- OK, CHARLIE, LISTEN.
I FIGURE I'M GONNA BE MARRIED
TO JOE FOR A LONG TIME.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO TRY
THIS AGAIN AFTER AWHILE.
- WHAT FOR?
- BECAUSE I WANT US
TO BE FRIENDS.
- HOW DO WE DO THAT?
WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER.
- WE COULD TRY.
- OH, TRY...
- LISTEN, WHY CAN'T
WE AT LEAST TRY
TO BE REAL FRIENDS? HUH?
- HA HA HA.
- WHY NOT?
- IF I TOLD YA,
YOU'D REALLY HATE ME.
- YEAH? TRY ME.
JUST TRY.
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TRY.
I THINK MEN ARE MORE
INTERESTING THAN WOMEN.
- OH, COME ON.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- I THINK MEN ARE
MORE FUN THAN WOMEN.
- THAT'S A TOTALLY
IRRATIONAL STATEMENT.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO ONE FURTHER.
I LIKE MEN BETTER THAN WOMEN!
[PLATES CRASHING]
- THIS IS MY FAVORITE HANGOUT.
I CAN'T COME HERE ANYMORE.
THANKS A LOT, RHODA.