Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 14 - 'S Wonderful - full transcript
Brenda's heart is all aflutter as she is preparing to go on her third date with her new boyfriend, Jimmy Klein. Brenda stops short of saying that she's in love. Rhoda is happy for her until she hears more about postman Jimmy: that he lives in Brooklyn but that he and Brenda always meet at an unusual location like the bus depot, they always have their dates in New Jersey, and that they can only meet once a week on Thursdays. In Rhoda's mind, this information means he's hiding something, namely that he's already married. This thought is solidified in Rhoda's mind when she learns that Jimmy currently has a bandage on what would be his wedding ring finger. Rhoda asks Joe for his advice, he who thinks that Brenda is old enough to make her own mistakes. In other words, he tells Rhoda to mind her own business. But will Rhoda be able not to speak her mind when she and Joe double date with Brenda and Jimmy?
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- RHO,
DO YOU THINK THIS MAKES
ME LOOK FAT?
I MEAN,
IF YOU SAW ME WALKING DOWN
THE STREET, WOULD YOU SAY,
"THERE GOES A FAT PERSON?"
- BRENDA,
COME ON, NO.
- AW,
I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO
SUCK IN MY STOMACH...
ALSO MY THIGHS.
- BRENDA.
GEE, YOU'RE ALL AFLUTTER.
ARE YOU IN LOVE?
- NO,
NO, I'M NOT REALLY IN LOVE.
I'M IN LIKE.
YEAH, I AM CRAZY IN LIKE.
- BRENDA, THAT'S GOOD.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING
ON MY THIRD DATE WITH HIM.
I MEAN, A THIRD DATE.
- GEE, THAT'S PRACTICALLY
A RELATIONSHIP.
- I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- RIGHT,
AND YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KEPT
SAYING, "I'LL NEVER
MEET ANYONE.
"IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.
I'LL SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE
DRIFTING AIMLESSLY FROM ONE
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- NICE. YEAH.
AND YOU SEE, NOW?
- YEAH.
- TELL ME ABOUT THIS GUY.
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
- UH,
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
HIS NAME IS JIMMY.
- YEAH?
- HE'S A MAILMAN.
HE SAID THIS GREAT
THING ABOUT ICE CREAM.
I SAID I LIKED CHOCOLATE
BETTER THAN ROCKY ROAD.
CHOCOLATE'S MORE SUBTLE.
AND HE SAID, "I KNOW.
ROCKY ROAD ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE
IT'S TRYING TOO HARD."
ISN'T THAT
A WONDERFUL THING TO SAY?
IT IS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO SAY.
- YEAH. IT IS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
- HE SOUNDS TERRIFIC.
- OH, HE IS.
- HE'S LIKE SOMEONE YOU'D SEE
ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- NO.
WHO COULD KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN BY THAT?
- LIKE ONE OF THOSE
GUYS YOU SEE ON THE BUS,
READING "THE VILLAGE VOICE,"
WITH SENSITIVE EYES?
AND THEY ALWAYS GET OFF THE
BUS BEFORE I HAVE TIME TO TELL
THEM THAT I'M A LOT
CUTER ON THE INSIDE.
- HEY,
LISTEN, YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
LATE TO MEET HIM.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- BRENDA, THIS IS SO GREAT.
I CAN'T EVER REMEMBER
SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.
SO, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING TO MEET HIM?
- AT THE BUS TERMINAL.
- WHAT?
- OH, IT'S CONVENIENT.
THE BUS TERMINAL IS A VERY
GOOD PLACE TO LEAVE
FOR NEW JERSEY FROM.
- NEW JERSEY?
WHAT'S THERE TO DO IN NEW
JERSEY, EXCEPT GO TO NEW YORK?
- WE DO A LOT OF THINGS.
WE DRIVE AROUND,
WE WALK AROUND...
FOOL AROUND.
- SO, HE LIVES
IN NEW JERSEY, HUH?
- NO,
HE LIVES IN BROOKLYN.
BUT JIMMY SAYS NEW JERSEY'S
A LOT QUIETER,
AND HE LIKES TO TRAVEL.
MAYBE A HAT WOULD HELP.
DO YOU HAVE A HAT?
- YEAH, SURE,
IN THE CLOSET, BREN.
UH, LISTEN, UM, SOMEONE WHO
LIKES TO TRAVEL HAS PARIS
AS A MAIN GOAL--OR LONDON--
NEVER NEWARK.
- OH,
LISTEN, RHODA, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE WHERE WE GO?
WHEN YOU ONLY SEE
A GUY ONCE A WEEK,
WHERE DOESN'T MATTER MUCH.
- WAIT A MINUTE, BRENDA,
WHY DO YOU JUST SEE THIS GUY
ONLY ONCE A WEEK?
- OH, WELL, HE'S ONLY
FREE THURSDAY NIGHTS.
- UH-HUH.
- I LOOK LIKE A FRUIT FLY.
- WELL,
GEE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YA
TOMORROW AND HEAR
ABOUT THIS DATE.
- OH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING 11:00 TONIGHT?
- MMM, LAUNDRY. WHY?
- OH,
WELL, I'LL BE HOME BY
THEN AND I CAN TELL
YA ALL ABOUT IT.
- AT 11:00?
WHY SO EARLY?
- WELL,
JIMMY SAYS HE HAS TO GET HOME
BY 11:00 TO WALK HIS DOG.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY CAN'T YOU GO WITH
JIMMY TO WALK HIS DOG?
- OH. WELL,
IT'S DARK OUT AND HE'S AFRAID
I'LL BE ATTACKED.
- SO WON'T
THE DOG PROTECT YOU?
- THAT'S WHO HE'S AFRAID
IS GOING TO ATTACK ME.
- HMM.
HIYA, JOE.
- OH, HIYA, BABE.
- ANYTHING WRONG?
- YEAH.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT?
- WELL,
IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,
BUT I GUESS I GOTTA TELL YA.
- NO, YA DON'T.
- YES, I DO.
RHODA...
I'M SELLING MY CAR.
- JOE.
OH, I WAS SO WORRIED THERE.
A MILLION TERRIBLE THINGS
JUST WENT THROUGH MY HEAD,
ALL OF THEM ENDING WITH,
"BUT THERE'S NO REASON
WE STILL CAN'T BE FRIENDS."
THEN WHY ARE YOU
SELLING THE CAR?
YOU LOVE THAT CAR.
- YEAH,
BUT I LOVE FOOD AND A ROOF
OVER OUR HEADS MORE.
WITH THE BUSINESS SO ROTTEN,
WE'VE JUST GO TO FIND WAYS
TO CUT BACK.
- YEAH.
- AND KEEPING A CAR
IN THE CITY IS TOO EXPENSIVE.
- YEAH,
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOE.
WHO NEEDS A CAR?
WE'RE MARRIED NOW,
WE CAN MAKE OUT HERE.
- YEAH.
BUT SELLING A CAR BECAUSE
YOU'RE SHORT ON DOUGH--RHODA,
THAT IS BIG.
- WELL, NOW, LISTEN.
IF IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU THAT
MUCH, THEN DON'T SELL IT.
WE'LL MANAGE.
- NAH,
IT'S TOO LATE.
I ALREADY PUT AN AD
IN THE PAPER, AND I STUCK UP
SIGNS IN THE,
UH, YOU KNOW, DRY CLEANER.
- YEAH.
- AND OVER AT THE MARKET.
SO, THE CALLS WILL PROBABLY
START COMING IN TONIGHT.
- YEAH,
AND SOME OF THEM ARE BOUND
TO BE FROM WEIRDOES.
"TELL ME WHAT YOUR
CAR LOOKS LIKE NAKED.
HUH HUH HUH."
- I'LL TELL YA, YOU
ALMOST MADE ME FEEL BETTER
ABOUT SELLING THE CAR.
- OK, JOE, GOOD.
NOW, LISTEN, ARE WE OK
ON THE CAR THING NOW?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT
A THING, TOO.
BUT YOU WERE THERE FIRST,
SO I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO
MY STUFF UNTIL WE KNOW THAT
YOU'RE COMPLETELY FINISHED.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- BRENDA'S GOING
WITH A MARRIED GUY
AND DOESN'T KNOW IT.
- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?
- OK.
HE ONLY TAKES HER TO NEW
JERSEY, WHERE THE FRIENDS
OF THE WIFE WON'T
SEE THEM TOGETHER.
HE'S BUSY EVERY
NIGHT BUT THURSDAY.
HE HAS TO BE HOME AT 11:00,
AND HE HAS NEVER ONCE
INVITED BRENDA TO HIS PLACE.
- LISTEN.
SO THE GUY LIKES JERSEY.
AND AS FOR DATING
BRENDA ONCE A WEEK,
MAYBE HE SEES OTHER
PEOPLE THE REST OF THE TIME.
AND AS FOR COMING
HOME AT 11:00?
WELL, MAYBE HE'S GOT
TO GO TO WORK EARLY.
- HOW DO YA LIKE THAT?
I HAD THIS TERRIFIC CASE BUILT
UP AGAINST THIS GUY, AND YOU
JUST KNOCKED IT DOWN
IN 2 SECONDS.
AHH.
THEN YOU THINK HE'S SINGLE.
- NO, HE'S MARRIED.
- JOE! JOE!
- BUT IF HE IS MARRIED,
THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN
DO AND THERE'S NOTHING
THAT YOU CAN SAY.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS JUST
LEAVE IT TO BRENDA AND SHE'LL
FIND OUT, AND SHE'LL
BREAK UP WITH HIM.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT.
THE ONLY WAY TO LEARN
IS BY EXPERIENCE.
- BUT WHY DOES BRENDA
HAVE TO LEARN LIKE THAT?
EH, WHY CAN'T THE GIRL SCOUTS
PRINT A MANUAL FOR ADULTS?
I MEAN,
THEY TEACH YOU SPOT POISON
OAK, AND THEN LET YOU
WALK RIGHT THROUGH A PATCH
OF MARRIED MEN.
- LOOK, RHODA, NO MATTER WHAT
YOU SAY TO BRENDA,
ODDS ARE SHE'S
NOT GONNA LISTEN.
AND SHE'LL ONLY END UP
RESENTING YOU FOR IT.
- WELL,
BETTER THAT THAN I JUST LET
HER BE THE OTHER WOMAN.
- WELL,
YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT
TO LIVE HER LIFE FOR HER.
- SINCE WHEN DO I NEED A RIGHT
TO CARE ABOUT MY OWN FLESH
AND BLOOD?
- YOU SOUND JUST
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
- JOE, I'M TURNING INTO
MY MOTHER, AREN'T I?
HUH?
GO AHEAD, YOU CAN TELL ME.
I KNOW IT, I KNOW IT.
AM I GETTING SHORTER?
- NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
I KNOW YOU LOVE BRENDA,
AND THAT YOU WANT
TO PROTECT HER.
BUT, RHODA, DON'T.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOE.
I'M NOT GONNA INTERFERE.
- GREAT.
- EVEN THOUGH I'M DYING TO.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT OF THE
MOUTH OF IDA MORGENSTERN.
- HA HA HA.
COME ON,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TURN INTO
YOUR MOTHER IN JUST ONE DAY.
- OH,
JOE, IT'S NOT JUST TODAY THAT
MAKES ME THINK THIS.
I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THIS.
BUT SOME NIGHTS, HMM,
WHEN THE MOON IS FULL,
I START FEELING THAT
I AM GROWING ROLLERS...
YEARNING FOR SENSIBLE SHOES...
AND I FIND MYSELF STANDING
BY THE WINDOW, BAYING AT MIAMI.
[BUZZER]
- YEAH?
- OH,
THANK GOODNESS THERE'S SOMEONE
DOWN THERE.
WHO IS THIS?
- CARLTON, THIS IS RHODA.
- OH,
GOOD, THIS IS CARLTON.
- YES?
- LISTEN, COULD YOU PUT
MY UNIFORM IN THE DRYER?
- WHAT?
- IT'S IN THE MIDDLE WASHER.
- YOU SET THE DRYER
ON AIR FLUFF.
I DON'T WANT
MY EPAULETTES TO SHRINK.
IF YOU NEED ANY MORE
INSTRUCTIONS, JUST GIVE
ME A BUZZ.
- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE
GOT ONE GOING ALREADY.
- RHODA?
- YEAH.
- RHODA? RHODA, GUESS WHAT?
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT.
- WHAT?
- TRY TO GUESS.
- YOU'LL NEVER GUESS, BUT TRY.
HERE'S A HINT.
IT'S THE LAST THING IN
THE WORLD YOU'LL EVER GUESS.
- UH,
WE'RE THE WASHING MACHINES
AND THEY'RE THE PEOPLE.
- RHODA,
JIMMY ASKED ME TO GO AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND WITH HIM.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NO. HE JUST TURNED TO ME
AND SAID, "LET'S GO
TO VERMONT NEXT WEEKEND."
VERMONT.
I EVEN LOVE HOW THE WORD
SOUNDS, LIKE ONE OF THOSE
THOUGHTS YOU CLOSE
A LETTER WITH: "WRITE SOON.
TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING.
VERMONT. BRENDA."
- YOU MEAN, HE'S ABLE TO--
I MEAN, HE'S FREE
TO GET AWAY
FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND?
- YEAH.
- NOT JUST, UH,
THURSDAY NIGHT?
AND NOT JUST TO NEW JERSEY?
APPARENTLY, HE HAS NO ONE
HE HAS TO CHECK WITH.
MAYBE HE REALLY HAS A DOG.
BRENDA, YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT HE HAS INVITED YOU
FOR A REGULAR WEEKEND.
- YEAH. YEAH, JUST
A REGULAR WEEKEND.
- THE KIND THAT IF MOM KNEW
ABOUT IT, SHE'D HAVE BOTH
HIS ARMS BROKEN?
- RIGHT.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANKS.
- YEAH.
- YEAH. OH, BRENDA, I CAN'T
TELL YOU HOW RELIEVED I AM.
- THERE'S ONLY
ONE DRAWBACK, RHO.
- YEAH?
- HE HAS TO STAY
WITH THE GUYS IN HIS UNION.
- OH.
BUT I'LL BE AT THE "HOLIDAY
INN" UP THE ROAD, SO I STILL
GET THE FREE CONTINENTAL
BREAKFAST AND EVERYTHING.
- BRENDA.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I'M GONNA KNOW WHAT THE TRAVEL
SIZE TUBE OF CREST
IS ALL ABOUT.
- BRENDA, THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I WASN'T GONNA SAY,
BUT NOW I GOTTA.
UH, THIS GUY YOU'RE DATING...
I THINK HE'S MARRIED.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- NO, NO, NO, NO,
THINK ABOUT IT.
HE HAS TO BE HOME BY 11:00, HUH?
AND HE NEVER GOES
OUT IN THE CITY?
NOW, A WEEKEND TOGETHER
AT SEPARATE MOTELS.
NOW, THOSE ARE ALL SYMPTOMS
OF A BAD CASE OF MARRIAGE.
- I TOLD YOU THAT 11:00
THING IS BECAUSE HE HAS TO GET
HOME TO HIS DOG.
- BRENDA, PLEASE BELIEVE ME,
I'VE HANDED A KLEENEX
TO 4--COUNT 'EM--
4 CRYING GIRLFRIENDS,
WHO WERE
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE THAT
THEIR GUY WAS GETTING
HOME TO HIS DOG--CANARY,
CAT, HORSE.
- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I KNOW HE'S NOT MARRIED.
- I'M TELLING YOU--
- BECAUSE IF HE WAS MARRIED,
HE WOULD HAVE A RING
AROUND THE THIRD FINGER
OF HIS LEFT HAND, INSTEAD
OF A BAND-AID.
- HE HAS A BAND-AID?
RIGHT HERE, AROUND HIS FINGER,
BECAUSE HE CUT HIMSELF?
- YES.
- AND IT'S TAKING
A LONG TIME TO HEAL?
- LEAVE ME ALONE.
- BRENDA, HE'S MARRIED!
THE MAN IS MARRIED!
- HE'S NOT MARRIED!
WHAT WILL IT TAKE
TO CONVINCE YOU?
IF YOU JUST MET HIM.
- OK, THAT'S GOOD.
THE 4 OF US WILL GO TO DINNER,
AND NOT ON A THURSDAY.
- OK, WE'LL DO IT
TOMORROW, ANY MEAL.
BREAKFAST, LUNCH,
DINNER, SNACKS.
AND I'M SURE FOR THE SPECIAL
OCCASION, HE WON'T EVEN HAVE
TO BE HOME BY 11:00.
- YOU'RE ON.
- AND YOU CAN EVEN
CHOOSE THE RESTAURANT.
ANYPLACE IN NEW JERSEY,
YOU NAME IT.
- YOU JUST DRANK ALL 4 WATERS.
- AHH.
WHERE ARE THEY?
WHAT'S HE DOING
THAT'S HOLDING THEM UP?
- MAYBE IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
MAYBE SHE'S THE LATE ONE.
- NO WAY.
BRENDA'S BEEN DRESSED FOR
THIS SINCE LAST SUNDAY.
OH. BOY, I HATE
PEOPLE WHO ARE LATE.
- OH, COME ON, RHODA.
- I HATE HIM.
- RHODA, YOU DON'T HATE
HIM BECAUSE HE'S LATE.
YOU HATE HIM BECAUSE
YOU THINK HE'S MARRIED.
COME ON.
- I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND THAT MY SISTER
CANNOT LOOK AT THIS GUY
AND SEE THAT HE IS MARRIED.
I WAS WORRIED!
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
WHY DID I JUST YELL
ACROSS A RESTAURANT?
MY MOTHER.
- HI, RHO, JOE.
- HI, BREN.
- HI, BRENDA.
- SO, HE COULDN'T
MAKE IT, HUH?
HE DIDN'T SHOW UP?
WELL, LISTEN, DON'T WORRY.
COME ON--
- WHADDAYA MEAN
HE COULDN'T MAKE IT?
- HE'S RIGHT HERE.
- WHERE?
- OH, YEAH, I SEE HIM.
HERE HE COMES.
- HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT WAS HIM?
- WHO COULD MISS HIM?
THAT MAN IS NOT ONLY MARRIED,
HE'S A FUGITIVE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID
ABOUT BEING CHARMING TONIGHT?
- YEAH.
- THE DEAL IS OFF.
- OH, RHODA? JOE?
THIS IS JIMMY KLEIN.
- HI, JIMMY.
- JIMMY? MY SISTER
RHODA AND JOE.
- HELLO, RHODA.
NICE TO SEE YA.
- HIYA.
- HI.
- WHY DON'T YOU SIT IN?
- THERE ARE SO MANY
LIGHTS IN HERE.
WHY IS IT SO BRIGHT IN HERE?
DON'T THESE PEOPLE KNOW
THERE'S AN ENERGY CRISIS?
- LIGHTS?
IT'S LIKE KING
SOLOMON'S MINES IN HERE.
- SORRY WE'RE LATE, BUT I--
I GUESS IT'S MY FAULT.
- OH, NO,
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT
YOU COULDN'T STOP HOME
AND YOU HAD
TO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES
AT THAT GAS STATION.
- WHAT?!
WHY COULDN'T YOU CHANGE
YOUR CLOTHES AT HOME?
JIM? I MEAN, GOING
TO A GAS STATION--
- OH, MISS?
WE'RE HERE TO HAVE A GOOD
TIME, AND I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD GO TO A PLACE LIKE
THIS WITHOUT ORDERING ONE
OF THE SPECIALTIES, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
UH, WOULD YOU HELP US HERE AND
TELL ME ABOUT SOME OF THE CUTE
DRINKS THAT YOU HAVE?
- HEY,
I JUST TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER.
I DON'T DO SMALL TALK.
- HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BE SO UPTIGHT.
- I'M SORRY!
BUT DID YOU EVER HAVE
TO WORK IN A GRASS SKIRT?
- I SEE YOUR POINT.
- GUYS THINK THEY'VE
GOTTA MAKE JOKES.
"YOUR GRASS IS DEAD.
WANNA GET MOWED?"
- NO JOKES, I PROMISE.
- UH, I'LL HAVE
THE VALLEY HIGH BALL.
- I'LL HAVE
THE MOUNT FUJIYAMA.
- I'LL HAVE A DIET FUJIYAMA.
- AND I'LL--
I'LL HAVE THE SAME AS RHODA.
- MUST BE TERRIFIC BEING
A SINGLE GUY IN NEW YORK TODAY.
HEH HEH. TELL ME
WHAT YOU SINGLE GUYS DO.
- UM, NOTHING.
- NOTHING?
- HE DOESN'T MEAN
NOTHING NOTHING.
HE MEANS NOTHING SPECIAL.
NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.
NOTHING WRONG.
- HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT
TRAFFIC COMING OVER HERE?
- HUH?
- OH, YEAH, REALLY,
- I'M NOT KIDDING.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING
TO GET RID OF MY CAR.
- OH, WHA--HEY, I MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN BUYING A CAR.
- OH, YEAH?
- RIGHT NOW I HAVE A '59
DESOTO STATION WAGON.
- UNUSUAL, YOU KNOW,
FOR A SINGLE MAN TO DRIVE
A STATION WAGON.
I MEAN, IT'S YOUR
CLASSIC FAMILY CAR.
- A SURFER WOULD DRIVE
A STATION WAGON.
A SUR--A SURFER WOULD DRIVE
A STATION WAGON.
- UH-HUH.
PRETTY HARD TO HANG TEN
IN THE EAST RIVER, BRENDA.
- WHAT KIND OF CAR
ARE YOU SELLING?
- OH, A '73 COUGAR.
FABULOUS CAR.
- I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY DRIVEN
A COUGAR, BUT IT IS ONE--MY--
FAVORITE, UH...ANIMALS.
- OH, HERE THEY ARE.
OH, THAT'S A NICE ONE.
HA HA HA.
THAT'S THE FUJIYAMA.
WHOO HOO HOO HOO.
A DIET FUJIYAMA, RIGHT?
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- SO, I'D LIKE
TO PROPOSE A TOAST HERE.
- WHAT ARE WE TOASTING?
- I DON'T KNOW
BUT MAKE IT FAST.
I'VE GOT SOME
LAVA ON MY WRIST.
- TO, UM, TRUTH.
- THAT'S REALLY CRUMMY, RHODA.
- OH,
JIMMY, UH, HOW DID YOU HAPPEN
TO CUT YOURSELF?
ON YOUR--YOU SHOULD
PARDON THE EXPRESSION--
RING FINGER?
- RHODA.
- AHH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
JOE, YOU'RE DEAD RIGHT.
JIMMY?
I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN
SNIPING AT YOU.
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR IT.
AHH...
EXCEPT I THINK
THAT YOU'RE MARRIED.
- OH, HEY, HEY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.
- WELL,
I THINK THERE IS.
I'M SORRY...
THAT I THINK YOU ARE MARRIED.
- OH, JIMMY.
ARE YOU MARRIED?
- A LITTLE BIT.
- AHH.
- SORT OF.
BUT YEAH, YEAH.
BUT ONLY FOR 3 YEARS.
- SO, I'M, UH, JUST
A THING ON THE SIDE, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE
A THING ON THE SIDE.
I WANNA BE A THING
IN THE MIDDLE.
HOW COULD YOU GO ALONG,
KNOWING I WAS LIKING YOU MORE
AND MORE AND NOT TELL
ME YOU WERE MARRIED?
- I'M A VERY WEAK PERSON.
- ANYTHING ELSE?
- NO, THAT'S ABOUT IT.
OH, I'M SORRY. SORRY.
DID YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE?
- NO,
I THINK I'VE HAD
ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU.
AND YOU.
EXCUSE ME.
- BRENDA, LISTEN, I'M SORRY,
BUT I HAD TO DO IT.
IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- THEN HOW COME
I FEEL SO LOUSY?
I'M GOING HOME NOW.
- BRENDA...JOE, I'LL
MEET YOU IN THE CAR.
- UH, MISS, CAN WE HAVE
OUR CHECK PLEASE?
HEY, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ANY
OF OUR BUSINESS WHETHER YOU
WERE MARRIED OR NOT, BUT
SINCE IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN
AND EVERYTHING, I JUST
WANTED TO TELL YA THAT
I THINK YOU'RE A CREEP.
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
UH, YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE
YOU FOR BUTTING INTO MY LIFE?
- THAT'S IT.
- FOR ME TO DO THAT, YOU
HAVE TO PROMISE NEVER
TO DO THAT AGAIN.
- I CAN'T DO THAT,
NOT AND MEAN IT.
- OK.
UH, I HAVE A COUNTER-OFFER.
- GOOD.
- YOU HAVE TO PROMISE TO
TRY TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
- I CAN'T!
BRENDA, I JUST TRIED NOT TO!
HOW CAN I NOT BUTT INTO YOUR
LIFE IF I SEE SOMETHING THAT
MAYBE GONNA HURT YOU?
- DON'T WORRY.
LOOK HOW LONG IT TOOK ME
TO FIND SOMEBODY TO HURT ME
THIS TIME?
- BRENDA?
I COULD'VE KEPT MY MOUTH
SHUT IF ONLY I DIDN'T SEE
THAT BAND-AID.
- OH. LISTEN,
I GUESS I KINDA KNEW ALL ALONG
THAT HE HAD TO BE AT LEAST
SEMI-MARRIED.
- I FIGURED.
- BUT THERE'S JUST SOME THINGS
PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE.
LIKE THAT TIME YOU TOLD ME HOW
BABIES WERE MADE AND I DIDN'T
TALK TO YOU FOR A WEEK.
- LISTEN, I FELT THE SAME
WAY WHEN I FOUND OUT.
NOW, IT DOESN'T
BOTHER ME SO MUCH.
- AW, COME ON.
WE BOTH KNOW I'M
GONNA FORGIVE YOU.
WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
GET FORGIVEN HERE,
THAT'S NO SECRET.
- AH,
BRENDA, YOU'RE GONNA GET
OVER THIS.
3 WEEKS MAXIMUM.
- YEAH, LISTEN,
IT WASN'T A TOTAL LOSS.
NOW, I CAN WRITE A BOOK ON
WHERE'S IT'S AT IN JERSEY.
[BUZZER]
- YES?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES,
CARLTON, WHAT?
- I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU OF
ANYTHING, BUT YOU WERE JUST
DOWN IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM?
- YES.
- WELL,
I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU
OF ANYTHING, BUT I
PUT SOMETHING OF MINE
IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET DOWN
THERE, AND THIS SOMETHING
AND THE BASKET
ARE BOTH MISSING.
- YEAH?
- THIS IS NOT AN ACCUSATION,
MIND YOU, BUT YOU WERE
DOWN THERE.
- OK. CARLTON, WAIT A SECOND.
I'LL CHECK MY BASKET.
COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE
ARTICLE YOU'RE MISSING?
- HALF-EMPTY.
- YOU GOT IT.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- RHO,
DO YOU THINK THIS MAKES
ME LOOK FAT?
I MEAN,
IF YOU SAW ME WALKING DOWN
THE STREET, WOULD YOU SAY,
"THERE GOES A FAT PERSON?"
- BRENDA,
COME ON, NO.
- AW,
I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO
SUCK IN MY STOMACH...
ALSO MY THIGHS.
- BRENDA.
GEE, YOU'RE ALL AFLUTTER.
ARE YOU IN LOVE?
- NO,
NO, I'M NOT REALLY IN LOVE.
I'M IN LIKE.
YEAH, I AM CRAZY IN LIKE.
- BRENDA, THAT'S GOOD.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING
ON MY THIRD DATE WITH HIM.
I MEAN, A THIRD DATE.
- GEE, THAT'S PRACTICALLY
A RELATIONSHIP.
- I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- RIGHT,
AND YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KEPT
SAYING, "I'LL NEVER
MEET ANYONE.
"IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.
I'LL SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE
DRIFTING AIMLESSLY FROM ONE
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- NICE. YEAH.
AND YOU SEE, NOW?
- YEAH.
- TELL ME ABOUT THIS GUY.
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
- UH,
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
HIS NAME IS JIMMY.
- YEAH?
- HE'S A MAILMAN.
HE SAID THIS GREAT
THING ABOUT ICE CREAM.
I SAID I LIKED CHOCOLATE
BETTER THAN ROCKY ROAD.
CHOCOLATE'S MORE SUBTLE.
AND HE SAID, "I KNOW.
ROCKY ROAD ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE
IT'S TRYING TOO HARD."
ISN'T THAT
A WONDERFUL THING TO SAY?
IT IS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO SAY.
- YEAH. IT IS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
- HE SOUNDS TERRIFIC.
- OH, HE IS.
- HE'S LIKE SOMEONE YOU'D SEE
ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- NO.
WHO COULD KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN BY THAT?
- LIKE ONE OF THOSE
GUYS YOU SEE ON THE BUS,
READING "THE VILLAGE VOICE,"
WITH SENSITIVE EYES?
AND THEY ALWAYS GET OFF THE
BUS BEFORE I HAVE TIME TO TELL
THEM THAT I'M A LOT
CUTER ON THE INSIDE.
- HEY,
LISTEN, YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
LATE TO MEET HIM.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- BRENDA, THIS IS SO GREAT.
I CAN'T EVER REMEMBER
SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.
SO, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING TO MEET HIM?
- AT THE BUS TERMINAL.
- WHAT?
- OH, IT'S CONVENIENT.
THE BUS TERMINAL IS A VERY
GOOD PLACE TO LEAVE
FOR NEW JERSEY FROM.
- NEW JERSEY?
WHAT'S THERE TO DO IN NEW
JERSEY, EXCEPT GO TO NEW YORK?
- WE DO A LOT OF THINGS.
WE DRIVE AROUND,
WE WALK AROUND...
FOOL AROUND.
- SO, HE LIVES
IN NEW JERSEY, HUH?
- NO,
HE LIVES IN BROOKLYN.
BUT JIMMY SAYS NEW JERSEY'S
A LOT QUIETER,
AND HE LIKES TO TRAVEL.
MAYBE A HAT WOULD HELP.
DO YOU HAVE A HAT?
- YEAH, SURE,
IN THE CLOSET, BREN.
UH, LISTEN, UM, SOMEONE WHO
LIKES TO TRAVEL HAS PARIS
AS A MAIN GOAL--OR LONDON--
NEVER NEWARK.
- OH,
LISTEN, RHODA, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE WHERE WE GO?
WHEN YOU ONLY SEE
A GUY ONCE A WEEK,
WHERE DOESN'T MATTER MUCH.
- WAIT A MINUTE, BRENDA,
WHY DO YOU JUST SEE THIS GUY
ONLY ONCE A WEEK?
- OH, WELL, HE'S ONLY
FREE THURSDAY NIGHTS.
- UH-HUH.
- I LOOK LIKE A FRUIT FLY.
- WELL,
GEE, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YA
TOMORROW AND HEAR
ABOUT THIS DATE.
- OH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING 11:00 TONIGHT?
- MMM, LAUNDRY. WHY?
- OH,
WELL, I'LL BE HOME BY
THEN AND I CAN TELL
YA ALL ABOUT IT.
- AT 11:00?
WHY SO EARLY?
- WELL,
JIMMY SAYS HE HAS TO GET HOME
BY 11:00 TO WALK HIS DOG.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY CAN'T YOU GO WITH
JIMMY TO WALK HIS DOG?
- OH. WELL,
IT'S DARK OUT AND HE'S AFRAID
I'LL BE ATTACKED.
- SO WON'T
THE DOG PROTECT YOU?
- THAT'S WHO HE'S AFRAID
IS GOING TO ATTACK ME.
- HMM.
HIYA, JOE.
- OH, HIYA, BABE.
- ANYTHING WRONG?
- YEAH.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT?
- WELL,
IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,
BUT I GUESS I GOTTA TELL YA.
- NO, YA DON'T.
- YES, I DO.
RHODA...
I'M SELLING MY CAR.
- JOE.
OH, I WAS SO WORRIED THERE.
A MILLION TERRIBLE THINGS
JUST WENT THROUGH MY HEAD,
ALL OF THEM ENDING WITH,
"BUT THERE'S NO REASON
WE STILL CAN'T BE FRIENDS."
THEN WHY ARE YOU
SELLING THE CAR?
YOU LOVE THAT CAR.
- YEAH,
BUT I LOVE FOOD AND A ROOF
OVER OUR HEADS MORE.
WITH THE BUSINESS SO ROTTEN,
WE'VE JUST GO TO FIND WAYS
TO CUT BACK.
- YEAH.
- AND KEEPING A CAR
IN THE CITY IS TOO EXPENSIVE.
- YEAH,
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOE.
WHO NEEDS A CAR?
WE'RE MARRIED NOW,
WE CAN MAKE OUT HERE.
- YEAH.
BUT SELLING A CAR BECAUSE
YOU'RE SHORT ON DOUGH--RHODA,
THAT IS BIG.
- WELL, NOW, LISTEN.
IF IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU THAT
MUCH, THEN DON'T SELL IT.
WE'LL MANAGE.
- NAH,
IT'S TOO LATE.
I ALREADY PUT AN AD
IN THE PAPER, AND I STUCK UP
SIGNS IN THE,
UH, YOU KNOW, DRY CLEANER.
- YEAH.
- AND OVER AT THE MARKET.
SO, THE CALLS WILL PROBABLY
START COMING IN TONIGHT.
- YEAH,
AND SOME OF THEM ARE BOUND
TO BE FROM WEIRDOES.
"TELL ME WHAT YOUR
CAR LOOKS LIKE NAKED.
HUH HUH HUH."
- I'LL TELL YA, YOU
ALMOST MADE ME FEEL BETTER
ABOUT SELLING THE CAR.
- OK, JOE, GOOD.
NOW, LISTEN, ARE WE OK
ON THE CAR THING NOW?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT
A THING, TOO.
BUT YOU WERE THERE FIRST,
SO I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO
MY STUFF UNTIL WE KNOW THAT
YOU'RE COMPLETELY FINISHED.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- BRENDA'S GOING
WITH A MARRIED GUY
AND DOESN'T KNOW IT.
- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?
- OK.
HE ONLY TAKES HER TO NEW
JERSEY, WHERE THE FRIENDS
OF THE WIFE WON'T
SEE THEM TOGETHER.
HE'S BUSY EVERY
NIGHT BUT THURSDAY.
HE HAS TO BE HOME AT 11:00,
AND HE HAS NEVER ONCE
INVITED BRENDA TO HIS PLACE.
- LISTEN.
SO THE GUY LIKES JERSEY.
AND AS FOR DATING
BRENDA ONCE A WEEK,
MAYBE HE SEES OTHER
PEOPLE THE REST OF THE TIME.
AND AS FOR COMING
HOME AT 11:00?
WELL, MAYBE HE'S GOT
TO GO TO WORK EARLY.
- HOW DO YA LIKE THAT?
I HAD THIS TERRIFIC CASE BUILT
UP AGAINST THIS GUY, AND YOU
JUST KNOCKED IT DOWN
IN 2 SECONDS.
AHH.
THEN YOU THINK HE'S SINGLE.
- NO, HE'S MARRIED.
- JOE! JOE!
- BUT IF HE IS MARRIED,
THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN
DO AND THERE'S NOTHING
THAT YOU CAN SAY.
WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS JUST
LEAVE IT TO BRENDA AND SHE'LL
FIND OUT, AND SHE'LL
BREAK UP WITH HIM.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT.
THE ONLY WAY TO LEARN
IS BY EXPERIENCE.
- BUT WHY DOES BRENDA
HAVE TO LEARN LIKE THAT?
EH, WHY CAN'T THE GIRL SCOUTS
PRINT A MANUAL FOR ADULTS?
I MEAN,
THEY TEACH YOU SPOT POISON
OAK, AND THEN LET YOU
WALK RIGHT THROUGH A PATCH
OF MARRIED MEN.
- LOOK, RHODA, NO MATTER WHAT
YOU SAY TO BRENDA,
ODDS ARE SHE'S
NOT GONNA LISTEN.
AND SHE'LL ONLY END UP
RESENTING YOU FOR IT.
- WELL,
BETTER THAT THAN I JUST LET
HER BE THE OTHER WOMAN.
- WELL,
YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT
TO LIVE HER LIFE FOR HER.
- SINCE WHEN DO I NEED A RIGHT
TO CARE ABOUT MY OWN FLESH
AND BLOOD?
- YOU SOUND JUST
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
- JOE, I'M TURNING INTO
MY MOTHER, AREN'T I?
HUH?
GO AHEAD, YOU CAN TELL ME.
I KNOW IT, I KNOW IT.
AM I GETTING SHORTER?
- NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
I KNOW YOU LOVE BRENDA,
AND THAT YOU WANT
TO PROTECT HER.
BUT, RHODA, DON'T.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOE.
I'M NOT GONNA INTERFERE.
- GREAT.
- EVEN THOUGH I'M DYING TO.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT OF THE
MOUTH OF IDA MORGENSTERN.
- HA HA HA.
COME ON,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TURN INTO
YOUR MOTHER IN JUST ONE DAY.
- OH,
JOE, IT'S NOT JUST TODAY THAT
MAKES ME THINK THIS.
I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THIS.
BUT SOME NIGHTS, HMM,
WHEN THE MOON IS FULL,
I START FEELING THAT
I AM GROWING ROLLERS...
YEARNING FOR SENSIBLE SHOES...
AND I FIND MYSELF STANDING
BY THE WINDOW, BAYING AT MIAMI.
[BUZZER]
- YEAH?
- OH,
THANK GOODNESS THERE'S SOMEONE
DOWN THERE.
WHO IS THIS?
- CARLTON, THIS IS RHODA.
- OH,
GOOD, THIS IS CARLTON.
- YES?
- LISTEN, COULD YOU PUT
MY UNIFORM IN THE DRYER?
- WHAT?
- IT'S IN THE MIDDLE WASHER.
- YOU SET THE DRYER
ON AIR FLUFF.
I DON'T WANT
MY EPAULETTES TO SHRINK.
IF YOU NEED ANY MORE
INSTRUCTIONS, JUST GIVE
ME A BUZZ.
- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE
GOT ONE GOING ALREADY.
- RHODA?
- YEAH.
- RHODA? RHODA, GUESS WHAT?
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT.
- WHAT?
- TRY TO GUESS.
- YOU'LL NEVER GUESS, BUT TRY.
HERE'S A HINT.
IT'S THE LAST THING IN
THE WORLD YOU'LL EVER GUESS.
- UH,
WE'RE THE WASHING MACHINES
AND THEY'RE THE PEOPLE.
- RHODA,
JIMMY ASKED ME TO GO AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND WITH HIM.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NO. HE JUST TURNED TO ME
AND SAID, "LET'S GO
TO VERMONT NEXT WEEKEND."
VERMONT.
I EVEN LOVE HOW THE WORD
SOUNDS, LIKE ONE OF THOSE
THOUGHTS YOU CLOSE
A LETTER WITH: "WRITE SOON.
TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING.
VERMONT. BRENDA."
- YOU MEAN, HE'S ABLE TO--
I MEAN, HE'S FREE
TO GET AWAY
FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND?
- YEAH.
- NOT JUST, UH,
THURSDAY NIGHT?
AND NOT JUST TO NEW JERSEY?
APPARENTLY, HE HAS NO ONE
HE HAS TO CHECK WITH.
MAYBE HE REALLY HAS A DOG.
BRENDA, YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT HE HAS INVITED YOU
FOR A REGULAR WEEKEND.
- YEAH. YEAH, JUST
A REGULAR WEEKEND.
- THE KIND THAT IF MOM KNEW
ABOUT IT, SHE'D HAVE BOTH
HIS ARMS BROKEN?
- RIGHT.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANKS.
- YEAH.
- YEAH. OH, BRENDA, I CAN'T
TELL YOU HOW RELIEVED I AM.
- THERE'S ONLY
ONE DRAWBACK, RHO.
- YEAH?
- HE HAS TO STAY
WITH THE GUYS IN HIS UNION.
- OH.
BUT I'LL BE AT THE "HOLIDAY
INN" UP THE ROAD, SO I STILL
GET THE FREE CONTINENTAL
BREAKFAST AND EVERYTHING.
- BRENDA.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I'M GONNA KNOW WHAT THE TRAVEL
SIZE TUBE OF CREST
IS ALL ABOUT.
- BRENDA, THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I WASN'T GONNA SAY,
BUT NOW I GOTTA.
UH, THIS GUY YOU'RE DATING...
I THINK HE'S MARRIED.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- NO, NO, NO, NO,
THINK ABOUT IT.
HE HAS TO BE HOME BY 11:00, HUH?
AND HE NEVER GOES
OUT IN THE CITY?
NOW, A WEEKEND TOGETHER
AT SEPARATE MOTELS.
NOW, THOSE ARE ALL SYMPTOMS
OF A BAD CASE OF MARRIAGE.
- I TOLD YOU THAT 11:00
THING IS BECAUSE HE HAS TO GET
HOME TO HIS DOG.
- BRENDA, PLEASE BELIEVE ME,
I'VE HANDED A KLEENEX
TO 4--COUNT 'EM--
4 CRYING GIRLFRIENDS,
WHO WERE
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE THAT
THEIR GUY WAS GETTING
HOME TO HIS DOG--CANARY,
CAT, HORSE.
- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I KNOW HE'S NOT MARRIED.
- I'M TELLING YOU--
- BECAUSE IF HE WAS MARRIED,
HE WOULD HAVE A RING
AROUND THE THIRD FINGER
OF HIS LEFT HAND, INSTEAD
OF A BAND-AID.
- HE HAS A BAND-AID?
RIGHT HERE, AROUND HIS FINGER,
BECAUSE HE CUT HIMSELF?
- YES.
- AND IT'S TAKING
A LONG TIME TO HEAL?
- LEAVE ME ALONE.
- BRENDA, HE'S MARRIED!
THE MAN IS MARRIED!
- HE'S NOT MARRIED!
WHAT WILL IT TAKE
TO CONVINCE YOU?
IF YOU JUST MET HIM.
- OK, THAT'S GOOD.
THE 4 OF US WILL GO TO DINNER,
AND NOT ON A THURSDAY.
- OK, WE'LL DO IT
TOMORROW, ANY MEAL.
BREAKFAST, LUNCH,
DINNER, SNACKS.
AND I'M SURE FOR THE SPECIAL
OCCASION, HE WON'T EVEN HAVE
TO BE HOME BY 11:00.
- YOU'RE ON.
- AND YOU CAN EVEN
CHOOSE THE RESTAURANT.
ANYPLACE IN NEW JERSEY,
YOU NAME IT.
- YOU JUST DRANK ALL 4 WATERS.
- AHH.
WHERE ARE THEY?
WHAT'S HE DOING
THAT'S HOLDING THEM UP?
- MAYBE IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
MAYBE SHE'S THE LATE ONE.
- NO WAY.
BRENDA'S BEEN DRESSED FOR
THIS SINCE LAST SUNDAY.
OH. BOY, I HATE
PEOPLE WHO ARE LATE.
- OH, COME ON, RHODA.
- I HATE HIM.
- RHODA, YOU DON'T HATE
HIM BECAUSE HE'S LATE.
YOU HATE HIM BECAUSE
YOU THINK HE'S MARRIED.
COME ON.
- I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND THAT MY SISTER
CANNOT LOOK AT THIS GUY
AND SEE THAT HE IS MARRIED.
I WAS WORRIED!
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
WHY DID I JUST YELL
ACROSS A RESTAURANT?
MY MOTHER.
- HI, RHO, JOE.
- HI, BREN.
- HI, BRENDA.
- SO, HE COULDN'T
MAKE IT, HUH?
HE DIDN'T SHOW UP?
WELL, LISTEN, DON'T WORRY.
COME ON--
- WHADDAYA MEAN
HE COULDN'T MAKE IT?
- HE'S RIGHT HERE.
- WHERE?
- OH, YEAH, I SEE HIM.
HERE HE COMES.
- HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT WAS HIM?
- WHO COULD MISS HIM?
THAT MAN IS NOT ONLY MARRIED,
HE'S A FUGITIVE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID
ABOUT BEING CHARMING TONIGHT?
- YEAH.
- THE DEAL IS OFF.
- OH, RHODA? JOE?
THIS IS JIMMY KLEIN.
- HI, JIMMY.
- JIMMY? MY SISTER
RHODA AND JOE.
- HELLO, RHODA.
NICE TO SEE YA.
- HIYA.
- HI.
- WHY DON'T YOU SIT IN?
- THERE ARE SO MANY
LIGHTS IN HERE.
WHY IS IT SO BRIGHT IN HERE?
DON'T THESE PEOPLE KNOW
THERE'S AN ENERGY CRISIS?
- LIGHTS?
IT'S LIKE KING
SOLOMON'S MINES IN HERE.
- SORRY WE'RE LATE, BUT I--
I GUESS IT'S MY FAULT.
- OH, NO,
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT
YOU COULDN'T STOP HOME
AND YOU HAD
TO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES
AT THAT GAS STATION.
- WHAT?!
WHY COULDN'T YOU CHANGE
YOUR CLOTHES AT HOME?
JIM? I MEAN, GOING
TO A GAS STATION--
- OH, MISS?
WE'RE HERE TO HAVE A GOOD
TIME, AND I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD GO TO A PLACE LIKE
THIS WITHOUT ORDERING ONE
OF THE SPECIALTIES, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
UH, WOULD YOU HELP US HERE AND
TELL ME ABOUT SOME OF THE CUTE
DRINKS THAT YOU HAVE?
- HEY,
I JUST TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER.
I DON'T DO SMALL TALK.
- HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BE SO UPTIGHT.
- I'M SORRY!
BUT DID YOU EVER HAVE
TO WORK IN A GRASS SKIRT?
- I SEE YOUR POINT.
- GUYS THINK THEY'VE
GOTTA MAKE JOKES.
"YOUR GRASS IS DEAD.
WANNA GET MOWED?"
- NO JOKES, I PROMISE.
- UH, I'LL HAVE
THE VALLEY HIGH BALL.
- I'LL HAVE
THE MOUNT FUJIYAMA.
- I'LL HAVE A DIET FUJIYAMA.
- AND I'LL--
I'LL HAVE THE SAME AS RHODA.
- MUST BE TERRIFIC BEING
A SINGLE GUY IN NEW YORK TODAY.
HEH HEH. TELL ME
WHAT YOU SINGLE GUYS DO.
- UM, NOTHING.
- NOTHING?
- HE DOESN'T MEAN
NOTHING NOTHING.
HE MEANS NOTHING SPECIAL.
NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.
NOTHING WRONG.
- HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT
TRAFFIC COMING OVER HERE?
- HUH?
- OH, YEAH, REALLY,
- I'M NOT KIDDING.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING
TO GET RID OF MY CAR.
- OH, WHA--HEY, I MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN BUYING A CAR.
- OH, YEAH?
- RIGHT NOW I HAVE A '59
DESOTO STATION WAGON.
- UNUSUAL, YOU KNOW,
FOR A SINGLE MAN TO DRIVE
A STATION WAGON.
I MEAN, IT'S YOUR
CLASSIC FAMILY CAR.
- A SURFER WOULD DRIVE
A STATION WAGON.
A SUR--A SURFER WOULD DRIVE
A STATION WAGON.
- UH-HUH.
PRETTY HARD TO HANG TEN
IN THE EAST RIVER, BRENDA.
- WHAT KIND OF CAR
ARE YOU SELLING?
- OH, A '73 COUGAR.
FABULOUS CAR.
- I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY DRIVEN
A COUGAR, BUT IT IS ONE--MY--
FAVORITE, UH...ANIMALS.
- OH, HERE THEY ARE.
OH, THAT'S A NICE ONE.
HA HA HA.
THAT'S THE FUJIYAMA.
WHOO HOO HOO HOO.
A DIET FUJIYAMA, RIGHT?
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- SO, I'D LIKE
TO PROPOSE A TOAST HERE.
- WHAT ARE WE TOASTING?
- I DON'T KNOW
BUT MAKE IT FAST.
I'VE GOT SOME
LAVA ON MY WRIST.
- TO, UM, TRUTH.
- THAT'S REALLY CRUMMY, RHODA.
- OH,
JIMMY, UH, HOW DID YOU HAPPEN
TO CUT YOURSELF?
ON YOUR--YOU SHOULD
PARDON THE EXPRESSION--
RING FINGER?
- RHODA.
- AHH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
JOE, YOU'RE DEAD RIGHT.
JIMMY?
I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN
SNIPING AT YOU.
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR IT.
AHH...
EXCEPT I THINK
THAT YOU'RE MARRIED.
- OH, HEY, HEY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.
- WELL,
I THINK THERE IS.
I'M SORRY...
THAT I THINK YOU ARE MARRIED.
- OH, JIMMY.
ARE YOU MARRIED?
- A LITTLE BIT.
- AHH.
- SORT OF.
BUT YEAH, YEAH.
BUT ONLY FOR 3 YEARS.
- SO, I'M, UH, JUST
A THING ON THE SIDE, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE
A THING ON THE SIDE.
I WANNA BE A THING
IN THE MIDDLE.
HOW COULD YOU GO ALONG,
KNOWING I WAS LIKING YOU MORE
AND MORE AND NOT TELL
ME YOU WERE MARRIED?
- I'M A VERY WEAK PERSON.
- ANYTHING ELSE?
- NO, THAT'S ABOUT IT.
OH, I'M SORRY. SORRY.
DID YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE?
- NO,
I THINK I'VE HAD
ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU.
AND YOU.
EXCUSE ME.
- BRENDA, LISTEN, I'M SORRY,
BUT I HAD TO DO IT.
IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- THEN HOW COME
I FEEL SO LOUSY?
I'M GOING HOME NOW.
- BRENDA...JOE, I'LL
MEET YOU IN THE CAR.
- UH, MISS, CAN WE HAVE
OUR CHECK PLEASE?
HEY, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ANY
OF OUR BUSINESS WHETHER YOU
WERE MARRIED OR NOT, BUT
SINCE IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN
AND EVERYTHING, I JUST
WANTED TO TELL YA THAT
I THINK YOU'RE A CREEP.
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
UH, YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE
YOU FOR BUTTING INTO MY LIFE?
- THAT'S IT.
- FOR ME TO DO THAT, YOU
HAVE TO PROMISE NEVER
TO DO THAT AGAIN.
- I CAN'T DO THAT,
NOT AND MEAN IT.
- OK.
UH, I HAVE A COUNTER-OFFER.
- GOOD.
- YOU HAVE TO PROMISE TO
TRY TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
- I CAN'T!
BRENDA, I JUST TRIED NOT TO!
HOW CAN I NOT BUTT INTO YOUR
LIFE IF I SEE SOMETHING THAT
MAYBE GONNA HURT YOU?
- DON'T WORRY.
LOOK HOW LONG IT TOOK ME
TO FIND SOMEBODY TO HURT ME
THIS TIME?
- BRENDA?
I COULD'VE KEPT MY MOUTH
SHUT IF ONLY I DIDN'T SEE
THAT BAND-AID.
- OH. LISTEN,
I GUESS I KINDA KNEW ALL ALONG
THAT HE HAD TO BE AT LEAST
SEMI-MARRIED.
- I FIGURED.
- BUT THERE'S JUST SOME THINGS
PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE.
LIKE THAT TIME YOU TOLD ME HOW
BABIES WERE MADE AND I DIDN'T
TALK TO YOU FOR A WEEK.
- LISTEN, I FELT THE SAME
WAY WHEN I FOUND OUT.
NOW, IT DOESN'T
BOTHER ME SO MUCH.
- AW, COME ON.
WE BOTH KNOW I'M
GONNA FORGIVE YOU.
WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
GET FORGIVEN HERE,
THAT'S NO SECRET.
- AH,
BRENDA, YOU'RE GONNA GET
OVER THIS.
3 WEEKS MAXIMUM.
- YEAH, LISTEN,
IT WASN'T A TOTAL LOSS.
NOW, I CAN WRITE A BOOK ON
WHERE'S IT'S AT IN JERSEY.
[BUZZER]
- YES?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES,
CARLTON, WHAT?
- I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU OF
ANYTHING, BUT YOU WERE JUST
DOWN IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM?
- YES.
- WELL,
I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU
OF ANYTHING, BUT I
PUT SOMETHING OF MINE
IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET DOWN
THERE, AND THIS SOMETHING
AND THE BASKET
ARE BOTH MISSING.
- YEAH?
- THIS IS NOT AN ACCUSATION,
MIND YOU, BUT YOU WERE
DOWN THERE.
- OK. CARLTON, WAIT A SECOND.
I'LL CHECK MY BASKET.
COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE
ARTICLE YOU'RE MISSING?
- HALF-EMPTY.
- YOU GOT IT.