Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 13 - Anything Wrong? - full transcript
Rhoda is waiting for the sofa that she purchased to be delivered. Despite the "between 8am and 5pm" delivery time mentioned by the store and the ultimate problems provided by the two delivery men themselves, this delivery is the positive part of Rhoda and Joe's move into their new apartment. The negative is Joe himself, as Rhoda can tell that there is something not quite right with him. She continually asks him if there is anything wrong, he who continually responds pleasantly that there is nothing wrong. Rhoda's suspicions are heightened when Joe agrees to a night out on a double date with Brenda and her blind date, and then reneges. Rhoda knows for sure that there is something wrong specifically with their marriage when two things happen: they don't have sex for the first time before going to sleep for the night, and Joe mentions that he is going to have a chat with his father. Rhoda fears for her marriage if only because twice divorced Paul Gerard may not be the best provider of marriage advice.
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- LOOK,
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
MY COMING OVER SO EARLY.
- OH, NO.
LISTEN, I HAD
TO BE UP ANYWAY.
THE DELIVERY MEN ARE COMING.
HEY, YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST?
- JUST COFFEE.
- OK.
- HEY,
IS YOUR NEW COUCH
COMING TODAY?
- YEAH,
THE STORE CALLED THIS MORNING,
WOKE ME UP
TO TELL ME EXACTLY
WHAT TIME
THEY WOULD BE HERE.
- WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY?
- PRECISELY
BETWEEN 8:00 AM AND 5:00 PM.
- AND WHERE'S JOE?
- UH, ASLEEP, STILL.
YEAH.
WELL, HE CAME IN LAST NIGHT.
HE WAS WORKING TILL 3:00 AM.
- GEE,
IT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH NOT
SEEING HIM LAST NIGHT.
- OH,
I SAW HIM ALL RIGHT.
HE, UM...
WAKES ME UP
WHEN HE COMES TO BED.
- EVERY NIGHT?
- YEAH.
- WOW!
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I'M GLAD THE WEEKEND'S
HERE, THOUGH, BREN.
WE BOTH COULD USE IT.
YEAH, SOMETHING'S BEEN
A LITTLE FUNNY WITH JOE LATELY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- I THINK SOMETHING'S BOTHERING
HIM, BUT, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THINGS
DON'T SEEM QUITE NORMAL.
OF COURSE, WHEN YOU'VE
ONLY BEEN MARRIED A MONTH,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS.
- HEY, THAT'S
QUITE A BREAKFAST.
- OH, YEAH.
SINCE HE'S NOT UP YET,
I FIGURED I'D MAKE SOMETHING
REALLY SPECIAL.
- OH, HE'LL LOVE IT.
- NO, HE WON'T.
IT'S FOR ME.
- HEY, RHO,
WHILE YOU'RE SITTING
HERE WAITING FOR YOUR COUCH,
COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR?
- ANYTHING.
- WELL,
UH, I HAVE THIS BLIND DATE
TONIGHT, YOU SEE.
THE BANK MANAGER ARRANGED IT
WITH HIS SON, AND I THINK
THE SON MUST REALLY LIKE ME.
- WAIT, BLIND DATE?
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM?
- WELL,
HIS FATHER HAD ME WORK
THE DRIVE-UP WINDOW ALL WEEK,
AND THIS ONE GUY KEPT
ZOOMING PAST.
- MM-HMM.
SO?
- HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR.
RHO, COULD YOU AND JOE
DOUBLE DATE WITH ME TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW.
GIVE ME SOME INSURANCE.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL ASK JOE AND I'LL
CALL YOU LATER, OK?
- GREAT.
LOOK, IF I'M NOT HOME,
I'LL BE OUT BUYING A DRESS.
- OH, YEAH?
LISTEN, BRENDA,
WHERE ARE YOU DOING
YOUR SHOPPING THESE DAYS?
- OH, SAME PLACE.
THE ONE THAT HAS THE GREAT
SELECTION IN MY SIZE.
NOBLESSE OBESE.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- WHO IS IT?
- DELIVERY MAN WITH THE COUCH.
- RIGHT, GOOD.
OH, TAKE IT EASY.
PLEASE WATCH
THE BACK HERE, HUH?
AH.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT IT, HONEY?
- DO YOU MIND DOING ME
A FAVOR AND DON'T CALL ME HONEY?
ALL RIGHT?
- ANYTHING YOU SAY, BABY.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU.
NOW, LISTEN...
WILL YOU GUYS
JUST BEAR WITH ME?
AND WE CAN WORK HERE FOR JUST
A MINUTE, 'CAUSE I'M NOT SURE
SUDDENLY WHERE I WANT IT.
- HEY, LADY, DIDN'T YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU WANTED IT
BEFORE WE GOT HERE?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE.
BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT,
IT'S MUCH BIGGER THAN IT WAS
IN THE STORE.
- IT'S ALSO HEAVIER
THAN IT WAS IN THE STORE.
LOOK, WE'VE GOT A POLICY
THAT WE NEVER BREAK.
ONCE WE PUT IT DOWN,
IT'S DOWN.
- THEN HOLD IT.
HEY, HEY, WAIT--
- THE SECOND POLICY IS,
WHEN LADIES START LOOKING
THROUGH MAGAZINES,
WE PUT IT DOWN.
- UH, HEY, WAIT.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A CUP OF COFFEE?
- SURE.
- YEAH, GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, HUH?
- HEY,
IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO LET
US SIT DOWN LIKE THIS.
- OH, YEAH? WHY?
- 'CAUSE OUR CLOTHES
ARE ALL GREASY.
- WHAT?
- DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUST
A LITTLE JOKE I HAVE.
- VERY FUNNY, TOO.
UH, LISTEN, UM, WHY DON'T WE
JUST SIT HERE, RELAX, HAVE OUR
COFFEE, AND DECIDE WHERE
MY COUCH WOULD LOOK BEST?
MAYBE WE'LL MOVE IT,
MAYBE WE WON'T.
YOU KNOW, I JUST
WANT YOU TO RELAX.
- HEY,
UH, THIS IS GREAT.
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE
APPRECIATE HOW HARD WE WORK.
- YOU KNOW, THE FUNNIEST
THING JUST HAPPENED.
YOU WENT TO PUT YOUR HAND ON
YOUR OWN KNEE, AND IT WOUND
UP ON MINE.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
DO YOU?
- YOU GOTTA
EXCUSE HIM, LADY.
ONCE, 8 YEARS AGO, HE MADE
A CONNECTION ON A DELIVERY.
SO, NOW EVERY TIME HE BRINGS
SOMETHING IN, HE THINKS
LIGHTNING
IS GONNA STRIKE AGAIN.
YOU GOT A SPOON?
- YEAH, SURE.
SPOON FOR YOU.
LIGHTNING ROD FOR YOUR BUDDY.
- I BELIEVE
IN THE DIRECT APPROACH.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE
INSTEAD OF COFFEE?
- IT'D BETTER BE TEA.
MORNIN'.
- HEY,
DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK WHEN YOU
COME OUT OF A ROOM?
- HEY, FELLA.
I'M HER HUSBAND.
- OH.
- COME ON, CHARM BOY.
WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
- WELL,
I DIDN'T WANT ANY
COFFEE ANYWAY.
- JOE,
THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC.
- WELL,
YOU WORK ON DEMOLITION SITES
LONG ENOUGH, THERE'S ALWAYS
SOME HERO THAT WANTS TO TAKE
ON THE BOSS.
- YEAH?
SO, THEN THIS ONE WAS
A SNAP FOR YA, HUH?
- NO,
THIS ONE WAS HARD.
ON THE JOB,
I ALWAYS CALL A COP.
- [CHUCKLES]
HEY, JOE, HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT GOING TO
A MOVIE TONIGHT?
- WELL,
IF YOU WANT TO, SURE.
- WELL,
IT'S THAT BRENDA HAS THIS
BLIND DATE, AND SHE ASKED
IF WE'D LIKE TO COME ALONG.
HMM?
- WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.
- HEY,
JOE, IS ANYTHING WRONG?
- OH, NO.
NOTHING'S WRONG.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
SOMETHING'S WRONG?
- ARE YOU SURE NOTHING'S WRONG?
- OH,
NOTHING'S WRONG.
- SURE? ARE YOU SURE?
- YEP, SURE.
- WILL YA LISTEN TO ME?
YOU TELL ME NOTHING'S WRONG,
I SHOULD JUST BELIEVE IT.
STOP ASKING YOU IF
ANYTHING'S WRONG.
- RIGHT.
- I DON'T THINK I
CAN STOP ASKING YOU.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING
NOTHING'S WRONG THE SAME WAY
CHAD EVERETT TELLS
A PATIENT NOTHING'S WRONG.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA?
- YEAH.
- COME ON IN.
- HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU PLANTING?
- OH,
TOMATOES, WATERCRESS.
IT'S A DIET FLOWERBOX.
THIS WAY, IN THE EVENT OF
A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST, I WILL BE
ABLE TO MAKE A WEIGHT
WATCHER'S SALAD.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS INTO
HEALTH FOODS, I TRIED TO RAISE
A COCOA PLANT.
I HAD THIS GREAT IDEA
FOR GROWING ORGANIC
CHOCOLATE BARS.
- HA HA HA.
DID IT WORK?
- I NEVER FOUND OUT.
ONE NIGHT, MY FRIEND ELLEN
CHOPPED IT UP AND TRIED
TO SMOKE IT.
YOU KNOW...YOU KNOW THAT THAT
WAS THE WORST CASE OF ZITS
I'VE EVER SEEN?
OH, RHO, YOUR
COUCH IS GORGEOUS.
- YEAH, IT IS.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT OUT?
- OH,
I DON'T THINK SO.
I CLASH WITH GORGEOUS.
- STOP THAT.
- I GUESS YOU WON'T BE READY
FOR QUITE A WHILE YET, HUH?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
ALL RIGHT.
OOH. THERE.
- THAT'S THE SINGLE
MOST DEPRESSING SIGHT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
- WHAT?
- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'VE BEEN THROUGH.
RHODA, I'VE GOT 6 DIFFERENT
KINDS OF SPRAYS ON ME.
I DO.
I DYED A PAIR OF SHOES THAT
WERE ALREADY MY FAVORITE
COLOR, AND I KNOW THAT MY
DATE STILL WON'T LIKE ME.
- NOW,
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?
BRENDA, WHAT ARE WORRIED
ABOUT PASSING HIS TEST?
HE SHOULD BE WORRIED
ABOUT PASSING YOURS.
- I THINK HE'LL MAKE IT.
- BRENDA, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU LOOK MARVELOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK HIM OUT.
COME ON, COME ON.
YOU'LL BE SO FULL
OF CONFIDENCE, NEXT TIME
HE'LL DYE HIS SHOES.
- OH,
GEE, YOU KNOW, NEIL'S GONNA BE
HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHERE'S JOE?
- JUST RELAX, OK?
- JOE?
- YEAH?
- WHAT IS YOUR
EXPECTED DEPARTURE TIME?
IT'S GETTING A LITTLE LATE.
- HEY, I'LL HURRY.
IT'S OK, I'LL BE THERE.
[BUZZER]
- HE'LL HURRY, IT'S OK.
HE'LL BE HERE.
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES, YES.
- IS BRENDA
MORGENSTERN THERE?
- UH-HUH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
- YEAH. YES, CARLTON?
I'M HERE.
- PRINCE CHARMING HAS ARRIVED.
- UH...
- SHORTEST PRINCE
CHARMING I EVER SAW.
- HAVE YOU GOT A SAW?
- SO WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM?
WHERE YOU ARE NOW?
OR YOUR OWN PLACE?
- UH,
COULD YOU TELL HIM TO--
- HEY, I'M NOT
A MESSENGER, YOU TELL HIM.
- NO,
NO, CARLTON, I DON'T WANNA--
- [NASAL] HELLO?
- HELLO?
NEIL?
- UH-HUH.
HOW ARE YOU?
- FINE.
AND YOU?
- FINE.
- GOOD.
UH, I'M GOING TO
MY APARTMENT, NOW.
2B.
PERHAPS YOU CAN MEET ME THERE.
- OK.
- SOMETHING TELLS ME IT'S
NOT GOING TO BE SENSATIONAL.
- BRENDA, WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
- OK?
- YEAH.
- JOE,
YOU ALMOST READY?
- ALMOST.
- JOE.
HEY,
WOULD YOU RATHER NOT GO?
- OH, NO, NO.
I'LL GO.
YOU WANTED TO GO, SO WE'LL GO.
- LISTEN.
WHAT IF I GO?
JUST ME, BY MYSELF.
I MEAN,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S A MOVIE.
I'LL BE HOME VERY EARLY.
YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE--
- OK.
- OK.
I'M GONNA GO,
THEN I'LL COME BACK.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- OH, JOE, BUT I...
- WHAT?
- UH--THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M MAKING SUCH A BIG
DEAL OUT OF THIS.
IT'S--I'M
EMBARRASSING MYSELF, HERE.
UH, I'M GONNA JUST GO.
- OK?
- OK.
- 'CAUSE I SAID
I WOULD WITH BRENDA.
THIS IS BEST, 'CAUSE THEN
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO WHAT
YOU'RE DOING--
- OH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- SEE YA LATER, DOLL.
- BYE.
- JOE?
- YEAH?
- AT THE RISK OF REALLY MESSING
UP OUR MARRIAGE, DO YOU MIND
IF I STAY HOME?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA, IS IT
OK TO COME IN?
- SURE, WHY NOT?
- WELL,
I TRIED TO GET YOU
ON THE PHONE, BUT
YOUR LINE WAS BUSY.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT HAVE COMPANY.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THE COAST WAS CLEAR.
- RHODA, IF THE COAST WAS
ANY CLEARER, I WOULDN'T
EVEN BE HERE.
- NOT A GREAT
DATE, HUH?
- OH,
IT WAS PATHETIC.
- STOP IT, STOP IT.
- HE EVEN ASKED
PERMISSION TO KISS
ME GOOD NIGHT.
- NOW,
THAT'S KIND OF NICE.
- YEAH, HE KISSED OK.
ONCE ON THE LIPS
AND ONCE ON THE NECK.
I THINK HE'S POTENTIALLY
PASSIONATE.
- WELL, GOOD.
THEN YOU DIDN'T MIND GOING OUT
WITHOUT JOE AND ME LAST NIGHT.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.
I THINK IT WAS BETTER.
I MEAN,
HE WOULD'VE BEEN VERY SELF-
CONSCIOUS WHEN HE SWALLOWED
HIS CONTACT LENS.
- OK.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU DIDN'T MIND.
I, UH, I JUST WANT TO BE
SURE OF THAT, THAT'S ALL.
- AH.
RHODA,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- NO, NOT A THING.
- OH.
- HEY,
THIS IS DOING GOOD.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YEAH,
SOMETHING IS WRONG.
BUT, BRENDA, IT'S
VERY INVOLVED.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT?
- WELL,
YESTERDAY, ALL DAY, SOMETHING
WAS WEIRD.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
BOTHERING JOE, AND I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I KEEP ASKING HIM,
"WHAT'S WRONG?"
AND HE KEEPS TELLING ME,
"NOTHING'S WRONG."
BUT SOMEHOW, BRENDA, I KNOW
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET
THE BACK OF YOUR DRESS TUCKED
IN YOUR PANTYHOSE AND
NOBODY'LL TELL YA.
- MAYBE YOU'RE MAKING
SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.
- NO, NO. NO.
LAST NIGHT, FOR THE FIRST
TIME SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED,
WHEN WE WENT TO SLEEP,
WE WENT TO SLEEP.
- OH.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW, BRENDA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- LOOK, RHO, I'VE NEVER BEEN
MARRIED, AND I MIGHT BE ALL
WRONG, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE
SMARTEST THING I EVER HEARD
ANYBODY SAY WAS?
- WHAT?
- IT WAS POP WHO SAID IT.
HE SAID, "MARRIAGE
IS LIKE PEPTO-BISMOL.
SOMETIMES IF YOU DON'T SHAKE
IT UP ENOUGH, IT DOESN'T
WORK RIGHT."
RHO...
RHO, YOU SEE THE
THOUGHT WAS VERY GOOD.
WHAT HE MEANT WAS--
- I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT, AND IT
WOULD BE FINE IF I WAS MARRIED
TO AN UPSET STOMACH.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- HIYA, BREN.
- HI, JOE.
- HI.
- UH,
RHODA, I JUST DROPPED DOWN TO
LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M
GOING OUT FOR A WHILE.
- OH, YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO COME ALONG?
- OH, NO,
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING I WANT
TO TALK TO MY FATHER ABOUT.
- OH.
UH, ANYTHING WRONG?
- OH, NO, NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
- OH,
GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
- HOW ABOUT YOU?
- OH, FINE, YEAH.
- GOOD.
- YEAH.
- OK.
- OK, BYE.
- GOOD-BYE.
- THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.
- OH,
I DON'T KNOW.
- WHADDAYA MEAN?
HE'S GOING HOME TO HIS FATHER.
- I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S KIND OF SWEET.
I MEAN,
A GUY LIKE JOE, GOING TO HIS
FATHER FOR SOME ANSWERS?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT IS SWEET.
WHAT AM I WORRYING ABOUT?
HE'S JUST GETTING SOME
ADVICE FROM HIS FATHER...
A MAN WHO'S BEEN
DIVORCED TWICE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- WHO'S THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE.
- HEY, JOE.
- HI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL,
I WAS REALLY BUGGED
ABOUT SOMETHING, AND I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT
BECAUSE IT'S JUST DRIVING ME
CRAZY, AND I GOTTA GET IT OFF
MY CHEST, BUT I CAN COME
BACK SOME OTHER TIME.
- NO,
NO, NO, STAY, JOE, STAY.
UH, RACHEL, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET, UH--THIS IS, UH...
JOE GERARD.
- HEY!
SAME LAST NAME.
- YEAH,
WELL, YA SEE, JOE'S, UH...HE'S,
UH...HE'S MY SON.
- OH.
- HEY,
LOOK, I HOPE I'M NOT
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING HERE.
- NO, NO, NO.
- OH, NO.
- SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
- I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH
THE PAPER, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE CAN DO THIS AFTERNOON.
I LOVE BEING FREE ON A SUNDAY.
- MAYBE YOU COULD PUT
SOME MORE COFFEE ON.
- OH, SURE.
SURE. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.
LET'S BE LOOSE.
IT'S SUNDAY.
I JUST LOVE SUNDAYS.
- SHE'S 30 YEARS OLD.
- DAD,
I DON'T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS.
- I CAN PROVE SHE'S 30!
- HEY, DAD, LOOK.
THE REASON I CAME OVER HERE
IS THAT I'M HAVING A ROUGH TIME
WITH RHODA, AND I WANTED TO
TALK TO SOMEBODY, AND, WELL,
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
- MIND?
OH, JOE, THIS IS WHAT
FATHERS WAIT FOR.
I MEAN,
AFTER ALL, YOU WERE ONLY
16 YEARS OLD WHEN WE SPLIT UP--
YOUR MOTHER AND I--
AND I WAS ALWAYS
AFRAID WE WOULDN'T
HAVE THESE TALKS LIKE THIS.
IT'S JUST--JOE, I HOPE
I CAN DO RIGHT BY YOU.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- IT'S LITTLE THINGS, LIKE
I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING
ON THE WEEKEND, AND RHODA
WANTS TO GO OUT,
AND THAT BUGS ME.
BUT, IF WE DON'T GO OUT,
THEN I JUST GET THIS GUILTY
FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
SO IT'S LIKE I'M WALKING ON
EGGS, AND RHODA KEEPS ASKING
ME WHAT'S THE MATTER
AND I CAN'T TELL HER.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I
SCREWED UP MY FIRST MARRIAGE
WITH MARIAN.
EVERY TIME SOMETHING
WENT WRONG, WE'D HAVE
A MEETING ABOUT IT.
BANG!
THIS MEETING IS
CALLED TO ORDER.
YOU, YOU'RE BUGGING
THE HELL OUT OF ME.
3, 4 IN THE MORNING, WE'D BE
HANGING IN THERE ABOUT HOW I
WAS LETTING HER DOWN, AND HOW
SHE WAS DRIVING ME UP A WALL.
DAD, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES
IT DOESN'T PAY TO BE HONEST.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T DO SO WELL
NOT BEING HONEST.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOUR MOTHER EVER EXPLAINED
WHAT WENT WRONG
IN OUR MARRIAGE.
- WELL,
NO, SHE JUST SAID THAT, UH...
- WELL, IT REALLY
WASN'T AN EXPLANATION.
- WELL,
COME ON, TELL ME.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- WELL,
SHE SAID THAT, UH...
SHE JUST COULDN'T
LIVE WITH A BUM.
- WELL, YEAH.
THAT WAS IT.
- WELL,
ANYWAY, AT LEAST MY MARRIAGE
TO MARIAN TAUGHT ME SOMETHING.
YOU CAN REALLY LOUSE THINGS
UP BY TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT BUGS YOU.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK
WITH MARIAN DOESN'T MEAN THAT
YOU SHOULDN'T BE
HONEST WITH RHODA.
- I KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
DIDN'T YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT
RHODA WAS THE BEST THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
- RIGHT.
- WELL THEN, HERE'S MY ADVICE.
FIGHT TO MAKE
THE MARRIAGE WORK.
I MEAN,
TELL HER EVERYTHING.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE GONNA
END UP LIKE ME.
AND BELIEVE ME, WHAT
I'VE GOT ISN'T GREAT.
- IT'S VERY GOOD...
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING.
- THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
- I WAS CRYING BECAUSE
THE TOMATO CROP FAILED.
- HONEY, I DECIDED THAT
WE OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK.
- GOOD DECISION, JOE.
YOU KNOW, I WONDER WHY
I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
LET'S TALK, PLEASE.
- OK.
I HAD TO GO SEE MY FATHER TO
GET SOME ADVICE AND FIND OUT
A COUPLE OF THINGS.
LOOK, RHODA, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE NOTICED,
BUT, UM, I HAVEN'T
BEEN MYSELF LATELY.
- NOTICED, I'VE NOTICED.
DAMN IT, JOE,
WHY HAVEN'T WE TALKED?
- BECAUSE I KNOW
EVERYTHING YOU WOULD SAY!
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HOW CAN
YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
WHAT ANOTHER PERSON
IS GOING TO SAY?
- I CAN. BELIEVE ME,
I'M TELLING YOU.
I CAN.
- OK, NOW, WAIT.
JUST HOLD IT.
FIRST, TELL ME WHAT OUR
PROBLEM IS, AND THEN TELL ME
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
- OK.
- OK?
- OK. NOW, I WORK HARD.
ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, I
JUST WANT US TO STAY HOME
AND RELAX.
BUT I KNEW IF I TOLD YOU THAT,
YOU WOULD SAY, "WE DON'T GO
OUT ALL WEEK.
NOW WE'RE GONNA SIT
HOME ON THE WEEKEND?"
- WHAT A CRUMMY THING
FOR ME TO SAY.
I HOPE YOU TOLD ME OFF.
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
I SAID,
"SOMETIMES, STAYING HOME
WITH SOMEBODY YOU LOVE
CAN BE PRETTY GREAT."
- GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
THEN WHAT?
- WELL, THEN, I FIGURED YOU
WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS
MARRIED TO A HERMIT."
- NOT BAD.
AND YOU'D SAY?
- "HEY, DON'T CALL
ME A HERMIT!"
- THAT'S GOOD.
AND, UH, THEN WHAT?
- THEN WE'D HAVE A TREMENDOUS
ARGUMENT, THEN I'D STORM OUT
OF THE HOUSE.
THE ONE PLACE I WANTED
TO BE ALL WEEKEND.
- JOE, I'M SORRY
FOR LAUGHING, BUT...
- WHAT?
- YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE
ARGUMENT BY YOURSELF AND YOU
STILL LOSE.
OH, JOE, I KNEW IT.
I KNEW YOU WERE
THINKING CRAZY THINGS.
- BUT THEN WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SOMETHING?
- BECAUSE I KNEW
WHAT YOU'D SAY.
- UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
SO BIG DEAL, YOU CAUGHT ME.
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?
AH, JOE, JOE, LISTEN.
I LOVE STAYING HERE,
DOING NOTHING.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH.
IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING
IN THE WORLD, TO FEEL GOOD
DOING NOTHING.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE WORKING
AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS
WHEN I JUST OPEN MY EYES.
- OH,
GEE, RHODA, IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
- IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- [SIGHS]
NAIL THE DOOR SHUT.
- HA HA HA.
- ONLY ONE THING MORE, HONEY.
AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING
PERFECTLY HONEST...
- YEAH?
- I CAN'T TELL YA HOW
MUCH I HATE THIS COUCH.
- HEY, HEY,
HEY, WATCH THE BACK THERE.
WHAT DO I CARE,
IT'S NOT OURS ANYMORE.
- HA HA HA.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT COUCH WASN'T EVEN HERE
LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE
ITS LITTLE DENT IN THE CARPET.
SO LISTEN.
NEXT TIME I GO FOR ONE,
WILL YOU PLEASE GO WITH ME?
- HUH?
- OH, SURE, SURE.
- AS LONG AS IT'S
NOT ON THE WEEKEND.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- LOOK,
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
MY COMING OVER SO EARLY.
- OH, NO.
LISTEN, I HAD
TO BE UP ANYWAY.
THE DELIVERY MEN ARE COMING.
HEY, YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST?
- JUST COFFEE.
- OK.
- HEY,
IS YOUR NEW COUCH
COMING TODAY?
- YEAH,
THE STORE CALLED THIS MORNING,
WOKE ME UP
TO TELL ME EXACTLY
WHAT TIME
THEY WOULD BE HERE.
- WHAT TIME DID THEY SAY?
- PRECISELY
BETWEEN 8:00 AM AND 5:00 PM.
- AND WHERE'S JOE?
- UH, ASLEEP, STILL.
YEAH.
WELL, HE CAME IN LAST NIGHT.
HE WAS WORKING TILL 3:00 AM.
- GEE,
IT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH NOT
SEEING HIM LAST NIGHT.
- OH,
I SAW HIM ALL RIGHT.
HE, UM...
WAKES ME UP
WHEN HE COMES TO BED.
- EVERY NIGHT?
- YEAH.
- WOW!
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I'M GLAD THE WEEKEND'S
HERE, THOUGH, BREN.
WE BOTH COULD USE IT.
YEAH, SOMETHING'S BEEN
A LITTLE FUNNY WITH JOE LATELY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- I THINK SOMETHING'S BOTHERING
HIM, BUT, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, THINGS
DON'T SEEM QUITE NORMAL.
OF COURSE, WHEN YOU'VE
ONLY BEEN MARRIED A MONTH,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS.
- HEY, THAT'S
QUITE A BREAKFAST.
- OH, YEAH.
SINCE HE'S NOT UP YET,
I FIGURED I'D MAKE SOMETHING
REALLY SPECIAL.
- OH, HE'LL LOVE IT.
- NO, HE WON'T.
IT'S FOR ME.
- HEY, RHO,
WHILE YOU'RE SITTING
HERE WAITING FOR YOUR COUCH,
COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR?
- ANYTHING.
- WELL,
UH, I HAVE THIS BLIND DATE
TONIGHT, YOU SEE.
THE BANK MANAGER ARRANGED IT
WITH HIS SON, AND I THINK
THE SON MUST REALLY LIKE ME.
- WAIT, BLIND DATE?
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM?
- WELL,
HIS FATHER HAD ME WORK
THE DRIVE-UP WINDOW ALL WEEK,
AND THIS ONE GUY KEPT
ZOOMING PAST.
- MM-HMM.
SO?
- HE DIDN'T HAVE A CAR.
RHO, COULD YOU AND JOE
DOUBLE DATE WITH ME TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW.
GIVE ME SOME INSURANCE.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL ASK JOE AND I'LL
CALL YOU LATER, OK?
- GREAT.
LOOK, IF I'M NOT HOME,
I'LL BE OUT BUYING A DRESS.
- OH, YEAH?
LISTEN, BRENDA,
WHERE ARE YOU DOING
YOUR SHOPPING THESE DAYS?
- OH, SAME PLACE.
THE ONE THAT HAS THE GREAT
SELECTION IN MY SIZE.
NOBLESSE OBESE.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- WHO IS IT?
- DELIVERY MAN WITH THE COUCH.
- RIGHT, GOOD.
OH, TAKE IT EASY.
PLEASE WATCH
THE BACK HERE, HUH?
AH.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT IT, HONEY?
- DO YOU MIND DOING ME
A FAVOR AND DON'T CALL ME HONEY?
ALL RIGHT?
- ANYTHING YOU SAY, BABY.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU.
NOW, LISTEN...
WILL YOU GUYS
JUST BEAR WITH ME?
AND WE CAN WORK HERE FOR JUST
A MINUTE, 'CAUSE I'M NOT SURE
SUDDENLY WHERE I WANT IT.
- HEY, LADY, DIDN'T YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU WANTED IT
BEFORE WE GOT HERE?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE.
BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT,
IT'S MUCH BIGGER THAN IT WAS
IN THE STORE.
- IT'S ALSO HEAVIER
THAN IT WAS IN THE STORE.
LOOK, WE'VE GOT A POLICY
THAT WE NEVER BREAK.
ONCE WE PUT IT DOWN,
IT'S DOWN.
- THEN HOLD IT.
HEY, HEY, WAIT--
- THE SECOND POLICY IS,
WHEN LADIES START LOOKING
THROUGH MAGAZINES,
WE PUT IT DOWN.
- UH, HEY, WAIT.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A CUP OF COFFEE?
- SURE.
- YEAH, GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN, HUH?
- HEY,
IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO LET
US SIT DOWN LIKE THIS.
- OH, YEAH? WHY?
- 'CAUSE OUR CLOTHES
ARE ALL GREASY.
- WHAT?
- DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUST
A LITTLE JOKE I HAVE.
- VERY FUNNY, TOO.
UH, LISTEN, UM, WHY DON'T WE
JUST SIT HERE, RELAX, HAVE OUR
COFFEE, AND DECIDE WHERE
MY COUCH WOULD LOOK BEST?
MAYBE WE'LL MOVE IT,
MAYBE WE WON'T.
YOU KNOW, I JUST
WANT YOU TO RELAX.
- HEY,
UH, THIS IS GREAT.
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE
APPRECIATE HOW HARD WE WORK.
- YOU KNOW, THE FUNNIEST
THING JUST HAPPENED.
YOU WENT TO PUT YOUR HAND ON
YOUR OWN KNEE, AND IT WOUND
UP ON MINE.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
DO YOU?
- YOU GOTTA
EXCUSE HIM, LADY.
ONCE, 8 YEARS AGO, HE MADE
A CONNECTION ON A DELIVERY.
SO, NOW EVERY TIME HE BRINGS
SOMETHING IN, HE THINKS
LIGHTNING
IS GONNA STRIKE AGAIN.
YOU GOT A SPOON?
- YEAH, SURE.
SPOON FOR YOU.
LIGHTNING ROD FOR YOUR BUDDY.
- I BELIEVE
IN THE DIRECT APPROACH.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE
INSTEAD OF COFFEE?
- IT'D BETTER BE TEA.
MORNIN'.
- HEY,
DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK WHEN YOU
COME OUT OF A ROOM?
- HEY, FELLA.
I'M HER HUSBAND.
- OH.
- COME ON, CHARM BOY.
WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
- WELL,
I DIDN'T WANT ANY
COFFEE ANYWAY.
- JOE,
THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC.
- WELL,
YOU WORK ON DEMOLITION SITES
LONG ENOUGH, THERE'S ALWAYS
SOME HERO THAT WANTS TO TAKE
ON THE BOSS.
- YEAH?
SO, THEN THIS ONE WAS
A SNAP FOR YA, HUH?
- NO,
THIS ONE WAS HARD.
ON THE JOB,
I ALWAYS CALL A COP.
- [CHUCKLES]
HEY, JOE, HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT GOING TO
A MOVIE TONIGHT?
- WELL,
IF YOU WANT TO, SURE.
- WELL,
IT'S THAT BRENDA HAS THIS
BLIND DATE, AND SHE ASKED
IF WE'D LIKE TO COME ALONG.
HMM?
- WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.
- HEY,
JOE, IS ANYTHING WRONG?
- OH, NO.
NOTHING'S WRONG.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
SOMETHING'S WRONG?
- ARE YOU SURE NOTHING'S WRONG?
- OH,
NOTHING'S WRONG.
- SURE? ARE YOU SURE?
- YEP, SURE.
- WILL YA LISTEN TO ME?
YOU TELL ME NOTHING'S WRONG,
I SHOULD JUST BELIEVE IT.
STOP ASKING YOU IF
ANYTHING'S WRONG.
- RIGHT.
- I DON'T THINK I
CAN STOP ASKING YOU.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE SAYING
NOTHING'S WRONG THE SAME WAY
CHAD EVERETT TELLS
A PATIENT NOTHING'S WRONG.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA?
- YEAH.
- COME ON IN.
- HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU PLANTING?
- OH,
TOMATOES, WATERCRESS.
IT'S A DIET FLOWERBOX.
THIS WAY, IN THE EVENT OF
A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST, I WILL BE
ABLE TO MAKE A WEIGHT
WATCHER'S SALAD.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS INTO
HEALTH FOODS, I TRIED TO RAISE
A COCOA PLANT.
I HAD THIS GREAT IDEA
FOR GROWING ORGANIC
CHOCOLATE BARS.
- HA HA HA.
DID IT WORK?
- I NEVER FOUND OUT.
ONE NIGHT, MY FRIEND ELLEN
CHOPPED IT UP AND TRIED
TO SMOKE IT.
YOU KNOW...YOU KNOW THAT THAT
WAS THE WORST CASE OF ZITS
I'VE EVER SEEN?
OH, RHO, YOUR
COUCH IS GORGEOUS.
- YEAH, IT IS.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT OUT?
- OH,
I DON'T THINK SO.
I CLASH WITH GORGEOUS.
- STOP THAT.
- I GUESS YOU WON'T BE READY
FOR QUITE A WHILE YET, HUH?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
ALL RIGHT.
OOH. THERE.
- THAT'S THE SINGLE
MOST DEPRESSING SIGHT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
- WHAT?
- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'VE BEEN THROUGH.
RHODA, I'VE GOT 6 DIFFERENT
KINDS OF SPRAYS ON ME.
I DO.
I DYED A PAIR OF SHOES THAT
WERE ALREADY MY FAVORITE
COLOR, AND I KNOW THAT MY
DATE STILL WON'T LIKE ME.
- NOW,
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?
BRENDA, WHAT ARE WORRIED
ABOUT PASSING HIS TEST?
HE SHOULD BE WORRIED
ABOUT PASSING YOURS.
- I THINK HE'LL MAKE IT.
- BRENDA, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU LOOK MARVELOUS.
YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK HIM OUT.
COME ON, COME ON.
YOU'LL BE SO FULL
OF CONFIDENCE, NEXT TIME
HE'LL DYE HIS SHOES.
- OH,
GEE, YOU KNOW, NEIL'S GONNA BE
HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHERE'S JOE?
- JUST RELAX, OK?
- JOE?
- YEAH?
- WHAT IS YOUR
EXPECTED DEPARTURE TIME?
IT'S GETTING A LITTLE LATE.
- HEY, I'LL HURRY.
IT'S OK, I'LL BE THERE.
[BUZZER]
- HE'LL HURRY, IT'S OK.
HE'LL BE HERE.
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES, YES.
- IS BRENDA
MORGENSTERN THERE?
- UH-HUH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
- YEAH. YES, CARLTON?
I'M HERE.
- PRINCE CHARMING HAS ARRIVED.
- UH...
- SHORTEST PRINCE
CHARMING I EVER SAW.
- HAVE YOU GOT A SAW?
- SO WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM?
WHERE YOU ARE NOW?
OR YOUR OWN PLACE?
- UH,
COULD YOU TELL HIM TO--
- HEY, I'M NOT
A MESSENGER, YOU TELL HIM.
- NO,
NO, CARLTON, I DON'T WANNA--
- [NASAL] HELLO?
- HELLO?
NEIL?
- UH-HUH.
HOW ARE YOU?
- FINE.
AND YOU?
- FINE.
- GOOD.
UH, I'M GOING TO
MY APARTMENT, NOW.
2B.
PERHAPS YOU CAN MEET ME THERE.
- OK.
- SOMETHING TELLS ME IT'S
NOT GOING TO BE SENSATIONAL.
- BRENDA, WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
- OK?
- YEAH.
- JOE,
YOU ALMOST READY?
- ALMOST.
- JOE.
HEY,
WOULD YOU RATHER NOT GO?
- OH, NO, NO.
I'LL GO.
YOU WANTED TO GO, SO WE'LL GO.
- LISTEN.
WHAT IF I GO?
JUST ME, BY MYSELF.
I MEAN,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S A MOVIE.
I'LL BE HOME VERY EARLY.
YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE--
- OK.
- OK.
I'M GONNA GO,
THEN I'LL COME BACK.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- OH, JOE, BUT I...
- WHAT?
- UH--THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M MAKING SUCH A BIG
DEAL OUT OF THIS.
IT'S--I'M
EMBARRASSING MYSELF, HERE.
UH, I'M GONNA JUST GO.
- OK?
- OK.
- 'CAUSE I SAID
I WOULD WITH BRENDA.
THIS IS BEST, 'CAUSE THEN
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO WHAT
YOU'RE DOING--
- OH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- SEE YA LATER, DOLL.
- BYE.
- JOE?
- YEAH?
- AT THE RISK OF REALLY MESSING
UP OUR MARRIAGE, DO YOU MIND
IF I STAY HOME?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- BRENDA, IS IT
OK TO COME IN?
- SURE, WHY NOT?
- WELL,
I TRIED TO GET YOU
ON THE PHONE, BUT
YOUR LINE WAS BUSY.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT HAVE COMPANY.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THE COAST WAS CLEAR.
- RHODA, IF THE COAST WAS
ANY CLEARER, I WOULDN'T
EVEN BE HERE.
- NOT A GREAT
DATE, HUH?
- OH,
IT WAS PATHETIC.
- STOP IT, STOP IT.
- HE EVEN ASKED
PERMISSION TO KISS
ME GOOD NIGHT.
- NOW,
THAT'S KIND OF NICE.
- YEAH, HE KISSED OK.
ONCE ON THE LIPS
AND ONCE ON THE NECK.
I THINK HE'S POTENTIALLY
PASSIONATE.
- WELL, GOOD.
THEN YOU DIDN'T MIND GOING OUT
WITHOUT JOE AND ME LAST NIGHT.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.
I THINK IT WAS BETTER.
I MEAN,
HE WOULD'VE BEEN VERY SELF-
CONSCIOUS WHEN HE SWALLOWED
HIS CONTACT LENS.
- OK.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU DIDN'T MIND.
I, UH, I JUST WANT TO BE
SURE OF THAT, THAT'S ALL.
- AH.
RHODA,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- NO, NOT A THING.
- OH.
- HEY,
THIS IS DOING GOOD.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YEAH,
SOMETHING IS WRONG.
BUT, BRENDA, IT'S
VERY INVOLVED.
- WELL, WHAT IS IT?
- WELL,
YESTERDAY, ALL DAY, SOMETHING
WAS WEIRD.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
BOTHERING JOE, AND I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I KEEP ASKING HIM,
"WHAT'S WRONG?"
AND HE KEEPS TELLING ME,
"NOTHING'S WRONG."
BUT SOMEHOW, BRENDA, I KNOW
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET
THE BACK OF YOUR DRESS TUCKED
IN YOUR PANTYHOSE AND
NOBODY'LL TELL YA.
- MAYBE YOU'RE MAKING
SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.
- NO, NO. NO.
LAST NIGHT, FOR THE FIRST
TIME SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED,
WHEN WE WENT TO SLEEP,
WE WENT TO SLEEP.
- OH.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW, BRENDA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- LOOK, RHO, I'VE NEVER BEEN
MARRIED, AND I MIGHT BE ALL
WRONG, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE
SMARTEST THING I EVER HEARD
ANYBODY SAY WAS?
- WHAT?
- IT WAS POP WHO SAID IT.
HE SAID, "MARRIAGE
IS LIKE PEPTO-BISMOL.
SOMETIMES IF YOU DON'T SHAKE
IT UP ENOUGH, IT DOESN'T
WORK RIGHT."
RHO...
RHO, YOU SEE THE
THOUGHT WAS VERY GOOD.
WHAT HE MEANT WAS--
- I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT, AND IT
WOULD BE FINE IF I WAS MARRIED
TO AN UPSET STOMACH.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- HIYA, BREN.
- HI, JOE.
- HI.
- UH,
RHODA, I JUST DROPPED DOWN TO
LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M
GOING OUT FOR A WHILE.
- OH, YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO COME ALONG?
- OH, NO,
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING I WANT
TO TALK TO MY FATHER ABOUT.
- OH.
UH, ANYTHING WRONG?
- OH, NO, NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
- OH,
GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
- HOW ABOUT YOU?
- OH, FINE, YEAH.
- GOOD.
- YEAH.
- OK.
- OK, BYE.
- GOOD-BYE.
- THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.
- OH,
I DON'T KNOW.
- WHADDAYA MEAN?
HE'S GOING HOME TO HIS FATHER.
- I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S KIND OF SWEET.
I MEAN,
A GUY LIKE JOE, GOING TO HIS
FATHER FOR SOME ANSWERS?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT IS SWEET.
WHAT AM I WORRYING ABOUT?
HE'S JUST GETTING SOME
ADVICE FROM HIS FATHER...
A MAN WHO'S BEEN
DIVORCED TWICE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- WHO'S THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE.
- HEY, JOE.
- HI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL,
I WAS REALLY BUGGED
ABOUT SOMETHING, AND I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT
BECAUSE IT'S JUST DRIVING ME
CRAZY, AND I GOTTA GET IT OFF
MY CHEST, BUT I CAN COME
BACK SOME OTHER TIME.
- NO,
NO, NO, STAY, JOE, STAY.
UH, RACHEL, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET, UH--THIS IS, UH...
JOE GERARD.
- HEY!
SAME LAST NAME.
- YEAH,
WELL, YA SEE, JOE'S, UH...HE'S,
UH...HE'S MY SON.
- OH.
- HEY,
LOOK, I HOPE I'M NOT
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING HERE.
- NO, NO, NO.
- OH, NO.
- SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
- I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH
THE PAPER, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE CAN DO THIS AFTERNOON.
I LOVE BEING FREE ON A SUNDAY.
- MAYBE YOU COULD PUT
SOME MORE COFFEE ON.
- OH, SURE.
SURE. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.
LET'S BE LOOSE.
IT'S SUNDAY.
I JUST LOVE SUNDAYS.
- SHE'S 30 YEARS OLD.
- DAD,
I DON'T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS.
- I CAN PROVE SHE'S 30!
- HEY, DAD, LOOK.
THE REASON I CAME OVER HERE
IS THAT I'M HAVING A ROUGH TIME
WITH RHODA, AND I WANTED TO
TALK TO SOMEBODY, AND, WELL,
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
- MIND?
OH, JOE, THIS IS WHAT
FATHERS WAIT FOR.
I MEAN,
AFTER ALL, YOU WERE ONLY
16 YEARS OLD WHEN WE SPLIT UP--
YOUR MOTHER AND I--
AND I WAS ALWAYS
AFRAID WE WOULDN'T
HAVE THESE TALKS LIKE THIS.
IT'S JUST--JOE, I HOPE
I CAN DO RIGHT BY YOU.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- IT'S LITTLE THINGS, LIKE
I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING
ON THE WEEKEND, AND RHODA
WANTS TO GO OUT,
AND THAT BUGS ME.
BUT, IF WE DON'T GO OUT,
THEN I JUST GET THIS GUILTY
FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
SO IT'S LIKE I'M WALKING ON
EGGS, AND RHODA KEEPS ASKING
ME WHAT'S THE MATTER
AND I CAN'T TELL HER.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I
SCREWED UP MY FIRST MARRIAGE
WITH MARIAN.
EVERY TIME SOMETHING
WENT WRONG, WE'D HAVE
A MEETING ABOUT IT.
BANG!
THIS MEETING IS
CALLED TO ORDER.
YOU, YOU'RE BUGGING
THE HELL OUT OF ME.
3, 4 IN THE MORNING, WE'D BE
HANGING IN THERE ABOUT HOW I
WAS LETTING HER DOWN, AND HOW
SHE WAS DRIVING ME UP A WALL.
DAD, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES
IT DOESN'T PAY TO BE HONEST.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T DO SO WELL
NOT BEING HONEST.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOUR MOTHER EVER EXPLAINED
WHAT WENT WRONG
IN OUR MARRIAGE.
- WELL,
NO, SHE JUST SAID THAT, UH...
- WELL, IT REALLY
WASN'T AN EXPLANATION.
- WELL,
COME ON, TELL ME.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- WELL,
SHE SAID THAT, UH...
SHE JUST COULDN'T
LIVE WITH A BUM.
- WELL, YEAH.
THAT WAS IT.
- WELL,
ANYWAY, AT LEAST MY MARRIAGE
TO MARIAN TAUGHT ME SOMETHING.
YOU CAN REALLY LOUSE THINGS
UP BY TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT BUGS YOU.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK
WITH MARIAN DOESN'T MEAN THAT
YOU SHOULDN'T BE
HONEST WITH RHODA.
- I KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
- NOW LOOK, JOE.
DIDN'T YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT
RHODA WAS THE BEST THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
- RIGHT.
- WELL THEN, HERE'S MY ADVICE.
FIGHT TO MAKE
THE MARRIAGE WORK.
I MEAN,
TELL HER EVERYTHING.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE GONNA
END UP LIKE ME.
AND BELIEVE ME, WHAT
I'VE GOT ISN'T GREAT.
- IT'S VERY GOOD...
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING.
- THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
- I WAS CRYING BECAUSE
THE TOMATO CROP FAILED.
- HONEY, I DECIDED THAT
WE OUGHT TO HAVE A TALK.
- GOOD DECISION, JOE.
YOU KNOW, I WONDER WHY
I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
LET'S TALK, PLEASE.
- OK.
I HAD TO GO SEE MY FATHER TO
GET SOME ADVICE AND FIND OUT
A COUPLE OF THINGS.
LOOK, RHODA, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE NOTICED,
BUT, UM, I HAVEN'T
BEEN MYSELF LATELY.
- NOTICED, I'VE NOTICED.
DAMN IT, JOE,
WHY HAVEN'T WE TALKED?
- BECAUSE I KNOW
EVERYTHING YOU WOULD SAY!
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HOW CAN
YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
WHAT ANOTHER PERSON
IS GOING TO SAY?
- I CAN. BELIEVE ME,
I'M TELLING YOU.
I CAN.
- OK, NOW, WAIT.
JUST HOLD IT.
FIRST, TELL ME WHAT OUR
PROBLEM IS, AND THEN TELL ME
WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
- OK.
- OK?
- OK. NOW, I WORK HARD.
ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, I
JUST WANT US TO STAY HOME
AND RELAX.
BUT I KNEW IF I TOLD YOU THAT,
YOU WOULD SAY, "WE DON'T GO
OUT ALL WEEK.
NOW WE'RE GONNA SIT
HOME ON THE WEEKEND?"
- WHAT A CRUMMY THING
FOR ME TO SAY.
I HOPE YOU TOLD ME OFF.
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
I SAID,
"SOMETIMES, STAYING HOME
WITH SOMEBODY YOU LOVE
CAN BE PRETTY GREAT."
- GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
THEN WHAT?
- WELL, THEN, I FIGURED YOU
WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS
MARRIED TO A HERMIT."
- NOT BAD.
AND YOU'D SAY?
- "HEY, DON'T CALL
ME A HERMIT!"
- THAT'S GOOD.
AND, UH, THEN WHAT?
- THEN WE'D HAVE A TREMENDOUS
ARGUMENT, THEN I'D STORM OUT
OF THE HOUSE.
THE ONE PLACE I WANTED
TO BE ALL WEEKEND.
- JOE, I'M SORRY
FOR LAUGHING, BUT...
- WHAT?
- YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE
ARGUMENT BY YOURSELF AND YOU
STILL LOSE.
OH, JOE, I KNEW IT.
I KNEW YOU WERE
THINKING CRAZY THINGS.
- BUT THEN WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SOMETHING?
- BECAUSE I KNEW
WHAT YOU'D SAY.
- UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
SO BIG DEAL, YOU CAUGHT ME.
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?
AH, JOE, JOE, LISTEN.
I LOVE STAYING HERE,
DOING NOTHING.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH.
IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING
IN THE WORLD, TO FEEL GOOD
DOING NOTHING.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE WORKING
AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS
WHEN I JUST OPEN MY EYES.
- OH,
GEE, RHODA, IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
- IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT IT'S TRUE.
- SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- [SIGHS]
NAIL THE DOOR SHUT.
- HA HA HA.
- ONLY ONE THING MORE, HONEY.
AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING
PERFECTLY HONEST...
- YEAH?
- I CAN'T TELL YA HOW
MUCH I HATE THIS COUCH.
- HEY, HEY,
HEY, WATCH THE BACK THERE.
WHAT DO I CARE,
IT'S NOT OURS ANYMORE.
- HA HA HA.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT COUCH WASN'T EVEN HERE
LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE
ITS LITTLE DENT IN THE CARPET.
SO LISTEN.
NEXT TIME I GO FOR ONE,
WILL YOU PLEASE GO WITH ME?
- HUH?
- OH, SURE, SURE.
- AS LONG AS IT'S
NOT ON THE WEEKEND.