Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 16 - Guess What I Got You for the Holidays - full transcript
It's the December holiday season and Rhoda's life is better than it ever has been. She's happily married, her window dressing business is going well, and for the first time in her life she has money in the bank in the amount of $2,000. The only negative in her life is Joe, whose business is not going so well, which is affecting his mood. He doesn't want to bother her about what he sees as his problem, but Rhoda wants to help him in any way she can. That's why she gives him an early Christmas present to the tune of $2,000, money which he would normally refuse but can't because of the way Rhoda gives it to him. However, even with that money, Joe is only able to pay of a small portion of his bills. Beyond Joe deciding if he should make the implied bribe for a job that would set the business for a year, Rhoda tries to make him come to terms with his feelings about what is happening with his business, those feelings which he has thus far kept bottled up inside himself.
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- BRENDA, I HOPE YOUR SENSE OF
TOUCH IS READY TO FREAK OUT.
GET A LOAD OF THIS.
- WOW.
CASHMERE.
- PLEASE, BRENDA.
NOT JUST CASHMERE.
THIS IS GENUINE I-WANTED-IT-
IN-1956-WHEN-ALL-THE-OTHER-
GIRLS-HAD-IT-BUT-I-DIDN'T
CASHMERE.
- I THINK I KNOW THE FEELING.
THAT'S HOW LONG I'VE WANTED A
DATE WHO DIDN'T WEAR GLASSES.
- BRENDA, THIS IS THE
MOST WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS
OF MY LIFE.
I MEAN,
I'M MARRIED AND I HAD
AN INCREDIBLY GOOD
SEASON WINDOW DRESSING.
AND I WASN'T GONNA TELL ANYBODY
THIS, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE, I HAVE
MONEY IN THE BANK.
- HOW MUCH?
- $2,000.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
HOW DID YOU GET THAT MUCH?
- WELL,
I'VE GOT THIS TERRIFIC SYSTEM
FOR SAVING MONEY.
SEE, YOU GOTTA WORK HARD
AND MAKE A DECENT SALARY.
THEN YOU MARRY SOMEBODY, AND
YOU BANK EVERY CENT YOU MAKE.
- WELL, NOT EVERYTHING.
NO, JOE'S BEEN
KINDA DOWN LATELY.
BUT NOW THAT I'M
THROUGH WITH THE SEASON,
I CAN SPEND MORE
TIME WITH HIM.
- WELL, WHAT'S HE DOWN ABOUT?
- WELL, I THINK
IT'S THE BUSINESS.
IT'S NOT GOING
SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.
BUT I FIGURE CHRISTMAS HAS
GOT TO BE THE SLOW SEASON
FOR DEMOLITION. RIGHT?
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT MIGHT BE SLOW
FOR DEMOLITION, BUT IT'S
THE BIG SEASON FOR DOORMEN.
DID CARLTON HIT YOU UP
FOR A GIFT YET?
- NO,
BUT HE REGISTERED HIS PATTERN
AT THE LIQUOR STORE.
- WELL, ANYWAY WE
GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM--MA.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA GET FOR HER?
- YEAH, BOY.
WELL, SHE LIKES
PEARL NECKLACES.
- I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT
POP GIVES HER EVERY YEAR.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH. AND SHE ALREADY LOOKS
LIKE SHE'S BEEN LASSOED
BY LIBERACE.
- HEY, I KNOW.
I KNOW. WHY DON'T WE CHIP IN
AND BUY HER A GIFT CERTIFICATE
FOR A DAY AT ELIZABETH ARDEN?
- YOU MEAN ONE OF THOSE
DAYS WHERE THEY
COMPLETELY REDO YOU?
- YEAH.
- OH.
- I WONDER WHAT
THEY'LL MAKE HER INTO.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST GOT
INTO THIS BUSINESS, I DREAMED
I'D BE DEMOLITIONING
SKYSCRAPERS.
NOW LOOK AT ME, FIGURING
OUT BIDS FOR TOLL BOOTHS
AND NEWSSTANDS.
- JOE? HENDERSON CALLED.
HE SAID YOU
OWE HIM 900 BUCKS
AND HE WILL NOT
WAIT ONE MORE DAY.
- SO PAY HIM.
- WITH WHAT?
- WHAT ABOUT
THE EMERGENCY FUND?
- I USED THAT
FOR THE DECORATIONS.
- YOU KNOW, ALL THIS
AGGRAVATION WOULD DISAPPEAR
IN A MINUTE IF WE JUST COULD
JUST LAND THAT CITY CONTRACT.
- THAT'S A 20-STORY JOB.
THAT'S GOING TO ONE
OF THE BIG BOYS.
YOU CAN FORGET THAT, JOE.
- HOW CAN I FORGET IT?
JUST ONE JOB, ONE LIKE THAT,
AND I WOULD BE OVER THE HUMP
FOR A YEAR.
- MEANWHILE, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT THESE BILLS, JOE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WISH THESE BILLS WOULD
DISAPPEAR LIKE THE JOBS DO.
- WELL, THERE'S
A BRIGHT SIDE, JOE.
YOU CAN HOLD UP ON MY SALARY
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I DON'T NEED IT.
- YOU DON'T?
- NO. I MADE $34,000 THIS YEAR.
- THAT'S MORE
THAN YOU MADE, JOE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING'S STRANGE
WHEN THE BOSS MAKES LESS
THAN THE EMPLOYEES.
- WELL, I'VE GOT
A GREAT UNION.
BUT IT WASN'T
THAT EASY, NOW.
SOME WEEKS I HAD
TO WORK 35, 36 HOURS.
- YOU KNOW?
I THINK I COULD'VE DONE BETTER
WITH A UNION JOB MYSELF.
- HEY,
THERE WASN'T NO SENSE IN ME
GETTING IN THE UNION.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE KIND OF
SUSPICIOUS OF US COLLEGE GUYS.
- YEAH?
THEN HOW'D YOU GET IN?
- ALL IT TOOK WAS
A JOB INTERVIEW.
17 CIVIL RIGHTS LAWYERS
WORKING DAY AND NIGHT
FOR FOUR YEARS.
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE INTERVIEW.
HEY.
THEY HAD 16,000 GUYS IN
THE UNION, AND ALL OF THEM
WERE WHITE.
SO I WALKED OVER TO THEM
AND SAID, "HEY, YOU'VE GOT
16,000 GUYS IN THE UNION
AND NONE OF THEM BLACK."
AND THEY ACTED
REAL SURPRISED,
THE GUY SAID, "NOT ONE?"
"WELL, I'M SURE I SAW ONE."
"WELL, WHADDAYA KNOW,
NOT EVEN ONE.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING ELSE?"
BUT THAT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO, THOUGH.
NOW WE'VE GOT
THREE IN THE UNION.
- AH, DAMN IT.
SOMETIMES I THINK IT'S
MY FAULT, WHAT'S HAPPENING
WITH THE BUSINESS.
BUT IT'S NOT.
I MEAN,
I'M OUT THERE ALL THE TIME,
HUSTLING, BIDDING
ON EVERY SINGLE JOB.
BUT I'M NOT ROMANCING
PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?
I'M NOT DOING
THE COCKTAIL CIRCUIT.
I'M TRYING TO PLAY IT
STRAIGHT, AND THEY'RE STEALING
ME BLIND OUT THERE.
I TELL YA, I SWEAR THAT
THERE'S NO WAY A GUY
CAN WIN OUT THERE.
- HEY, JOE.
WHY DON'T I GIVE
HENDERSON A CALL?
NOW, HE'S THE GUY WE OWED
THE LONGEST, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- MAYBE I CAN
STALL HIM FOR YOU.
- HENDERSON? NO WAY.
THE GUY'S GOT A WRECKING
BALL FOR A HEART.
- YOU'RE MAKING HIM
SOUND NICER THAN HE IS.
- EH,
IT DOESN'T HURT TO TRY.
MR. HENDERSON?
JUSTIN CULP HERE.
YES. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HOW ARE THOSE SIX BEAUTIFUL
KIDS OF YOURS?
UH-HUH.
YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL TELL YA WHY I'M CALLING.
WE'RE GONNA BUY EACH ONE
OF THE KIDS A BICYCLE
FOR CHRISTMAS.
OH, YEAH,
THOSE 10-SPEED RACING JOBS,
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, JUST TELL US WHERE
TO SEND THEM.
UH-HUH.
OK, MR. HENDERSON,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH. UH, BY THE WAY,
MR. HENDERSON.
WE'RE GONNA BE A LITTLE
LATE WITH THE PAYMENT.
YEAH, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
OK, THANK YOU.
BYE-BYE.
- WELL, I BOUGHT
YOU SOME TIME.
- YEAH?
- HOW MUCH?
- TILL CHRISTMAS MORNING.
IF YOU WANT ANY MORE,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME
THROUGH WITH THEM BICYCLES.
- AH. THESE POCKET
CALCULATORS DRIVE ME NUTS.
I CAN'T GET THIS THING
TO COME OUT STRAIGHT.
THE DECIMAL POINT
KEEPS JUMPING AROUND.
- MAYBE YOU GOT A DUMB ONE.
AH, COME ON, JOE.
LISTEN, THINGS ARE BAD NOW,
BUT THEY'RE GONNA GET BETTER.
SO, COME ON, CHEER UP, HUH?
- RHODA,
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING
IN THE DEMOLITION BUSINESS--
"WHEN THINGS GO DOWN,
THEY STAY DOWN."
- OK. LET'S NOT
TALK ABOUT BUSINESS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
FORGET IT.
YOU, UH,
YOU WANNA GO SOMEWHERE?
WE'LL FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
- CONEY ISLAND.
YEAH. YEAH, LET'S GO
TO CONEY ISLAND, JOE.
WE'LL DRESS UP NICE
AND WARM AND WE'LL WALK
ON THE BOARDWALK. HUH?
- NAH, THEY'RE TEARING
DOWN CONEY ISLAND.
- WHAT? WHAT?
- THAT'S ANOTHER
CONTRACT I BLEW.
- ALL RIGHT, JOE, OK.
YOU WIN.
LISTEN, WHAT AM I DOING
HERE TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP?
RIGHT? THIS IS SERIOUS.
SO, IF YOU WANT TO FEEL BAD,
YOU JUST GOTTA FEEL BAD.
MAYBE YOU NEED A GOOD CRY.
NO, NO, NO, I REALLY MEAN IT.
I DO.
- COME ON, I DON'T CRY.
- NEVER?
EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND
SOMEBODY STUCK HIS FINGERS
IN YOUR EYE?
- NOPE.
- NOT EVEN WHEN BAMBI GOT
CAUGHT IN THE FOREST FIRE?
HUH? DIDN'T YOU?
- OH, I GOT
A LITTLE LUMP IN MY THROAT
ABOUT THUMPER BEING
IN DANGER, BUT I DIDN'T CRY.
- WELL, I CAN'T GET
OVER THIS, JOE.
I CAN'T. I MEAN,
YOU'RE USUALLY SO OPEN ABOUT
ALL OF YOUR OTHER EMOTIONS.
CRYING IS A GREAT RELEASE.
IT IS. I MEAN...
YOU GET A CHANCE TO LET
OUT ALL THOSE PRESSURES
THAT BUILD UP INSIDE.
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER USED TO
ALWAYS TELL ME, "IF YOU HOLD
BACK A SNEEZE, YOU COULD
BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT."
- SO WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME?
THAT IF I HOLD BACK MY TEARS,
I'M GONNA DROWN?
- HEY, JOE, WAIT.
NOW, LOOK.
WHADDAYA GOT
AGAINST CRYING, JOE?
I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS SOME MACHO TRIP HERE?
THAT MEN CAN'T CRY?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
- OH, NO, NO, NO!
CRYING'S OK.
IN FACT, I SOMETIMES
ENVY PEOPLE WHO CAN CRY.
- SO WHAT DO YOU
DO WHEN YOU'RE SAD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I COUGH.
- OK, SO YOU DON'T
CRY WHEN YOU'RE SAD.
UM...DID YOU EVER CRY WHEN
SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING REALLY
BEAUTIFUL FOR YOU? HUH?
- I GUESS NOBODY EVER DID
ANYTHING THAT BEAUTIFUL.
- WELL...
TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- OK, JOE, GET READY.
I WAS GONNA GIVE THIS TO YOU
NEXT WEEK, BUT I THINK
I BETTER DO IT RIGHT NOW.
IT'S MY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.
I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE
YOU CRY, NOTHING WILL.
$2,000.
THE ONLY MONEY I EVER SAVED
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, JOE,
AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
NOW, YOU GOTTA TAKE IT--HERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO.
I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU A CHECK,
BUT I KNEW YOU
WOULDN'T CASH IT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW WONDERFUL
IT IS TO...
HAVE THE ONLY MONEY YOU EVER
HAD--TO FINALLY SAVE IT UP--
AND THEN YOU'RE SO IN LOVE
THAT IT DOESN'T EVEN MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS, JOE?
I MEAN, ALL MY LIFE
I'VE BEEN HUNG UP ON MONEY.
I HAVE.
AND NOW, HERE'S
THE MOMENT THAT I HAVE IT,
AND I'M--I'M--
I'M JUST SO MUCH IN LOVE
THAT IT DOESN'T--
GO AHEAD, JOE, CRY,
IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
IT IS. YOU GOT TO LET IT OUT.
IT'S GREAT IF YOU DO.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER
FOR IT, AND IT'S OK.
IT'S OK,
I REALLY UNDERSTAND.
I DO.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT UNMANLY.
- HI.
- HIYA.
- IS JOE UP YET?
- OH, YEAH, HE'S UP AND OUT.
HE'S GONE TO WORK.
- ON A SATURDAY?
- YEAH, THE POOR THING'S
OUT MAKING THE ROUNDS.
HE FELT HE SHOULD DO SOMETHING
TO DRUM UP A LITTLE BUSINESS.
- OH.
DID MA CALL YET?
- NO.
BUT SHE'S GOING TO, ISN'T SHE?
- YEAH.
- THAT WOMAN IS AMAZING.
I MEAN, THERE'S SOMETHING
MYSTICAL ABOUT HER, BRENDA.
- I KNOW.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID.
SHE ALWAYS KNEW WHEN I GOT
IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL.
FOR A WHILE THERE, I THOUGHT
SHE WAS BUGGING MY THERMOS.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
I'VE BEEN BATTLING
IT FOR YEARS.
BUT I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT
A WAY TO FOOL HER.
- FOOL MA?
- YEP.
- OH, TELL ME.
RHODA, YOU GOTTA TELL ME.
- OH, LISTEN.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
IT'S ALL A MATTER OF ACTING
AND PERFECT VOICE CONTROL.
ONE SLIP, AND RIGHT OFF
SHE ASKS YOU WHAT'S WRONG.
AND THEN YOU CAN'T GET OFF
THAT TELEPHONE WITH HER
WITHOUT A PAIR
OF WIRE CUTTERS.
- OH, BOY, RHODA.
IF YOU CAN REALLY TAKE CARE
OF MA, THE WORLD IS YOURS.
- YEAH.
NOW I JUST HAVE TO BE ABLE
TO TAKE CARE OF JOE, RIGHT?
BOY, BRENDA, HE'S CARRYING
AROUND A DOUBLE LOAD.
HE'S TRYING TO FIX THE
BUSINESS, AND HE'S TRYING
TO HIDE HIS FEELINGS
AT THE SAME TIME.
HE KEEPS EVERYTHING
BOTTLED UP INSIDE HIM.
- LISTEN, RHO, IF ANYBODY
CAN CHEER JOE UP, YOU CAN.
- AHH.
I DON'T KNOW, BREN.
I THINK AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
THE BEST THING A WIFE CAN DO
IS HELP HER HUSBAND FEEL BAD.
- NO WONDER MA IS SUCH
A GREAT WIFE.
[BUZZER]
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
- HELLO?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YEAH, I KNOW. WHAT? WHAT?
- I'M JUST CALLING TO SEE
IF YOU LIKED MY GIFT.
- WHAT GIFT?
- TAKE A LOOK IN THE HALL.
- OK, CARLTON.
JUST A MINUTE.
- UH, CARLTON,
IT'S QUITE BEAUTIFUL.
UH, THANK YOU.
WHAT IS THIS?
- FUDGE.
- FUDGE.
- TASTE IT.
- OH,
YEAH, IT'S DELICIOUS, CARL--
- OH, NO, THAT WAS
TOO FAST TO TASTE THAT.
I'M NOT GETTING OFF
TILL YOU TRY IT.
I MADE IT MYSELF.
- IT'S NOT BAD, CARLTON.
- GOOD.
TELL THE PEOPLE IN 4A.
THEY SAID IT MADE THEM SICK.
- THANKS, CARLTON.
- OK, JOE, THESE
ARE THE PEOPLE THAT
OWE YOU MONEY.
THIS PILE, THESE GUYS
ARE 60 DAYS OVERDUE.
THESE ARE 90.
AND THESE GUYS HAVE
TOTALLY DISAPPEARED.
- AH,
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO ANYMORE.
- WELL, THERE'S ONE
THING YOU DIDN'T TRY, JOE.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- COLLECTION AGENCY.
- WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY
DIDN'T GROW UP IN HARLEM.
BUT IT BALANCES OUT.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
AN AVON LADY IS.
- AH, I DON'T KNOW.
A LOT OF THESE GUYS
ARE MY FRIENDS.
- GENTLEMEN?
- CHARLIE.
- CHARLIE CURRAN.
- HIYA, JOEY.
- LONG TIME, NO SEE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING, PAL?
- WELL,
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS
WORKING FOR THE CITY.
I TRAVEL AROUND, I LOOK AT BIDS.
I GIVE OUT DEMOLITION JOBS.
YOU KNOW. BORING.
- HOW'S THAT 20-STORY
JOB GOING, CHARLIE?
- OH,
I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE THIS, JOEY,
BUT THE BIDS ON THAT JOB
ARE SO CLOSE,
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE,
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S ALMOST
MY WHIM WHO GETS IT.
- THEY'RE CLOSE?
YOU MEAN WE'VE
STILL GOT A CHANCE?
- EVERYBODY'S GOT
A CHANCE, JOEY.
- YEAH, WELL, WHEN
ARE WE GONNA KNOW?
- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER
ALL THESE YEARS, JOE,
AND WE NEVER--
WE NEVER REALLY TALKED.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT NEVER TALKED?
- NO, NO, NO.
- WE TALK, CHARLIE--
- NO, NO, NO.
YOU MISS MY POINT, JOE.
I MEAN,
WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THE SORT
OF THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT,
UH, WANT...IN LIFE.
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT
I MIGHT, UH, WANT.
LIKE, WHAT DO
YOU WANT, JOE?
OUT OF LIFE?
- WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE?
- YEAH. WHAT DO YOU
WANT OUT OF LIFE?
- TELL HIM WHAT
HE WANTS TO KNOW.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
THE USUAL STUFF.
UH, I WANT MY WIFE AND I
TO HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE.
I WANT MY SON
TO TURN OUT RIGHT.
I WANT MAYBE ANOTHER KID...
UH, UH, KEEP UP MY HEALTH.
HOW ABOUT YOU, CHARLIE?
- ME?
I WANT THE BIGGEST
CADILLAC THEY MAKE.
BUT THAT TAKES CASH, JOEY.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, THAT REALLY TAKES CASH.
A LOT OF CASH.
- CHARLIE, DO YOU MIND IF I
SPEAK TO MY ASSOCIATE ALONE
FOR A MINUTE?
- MIND?
JUSTIN, NOT ONLY WOULD I
NOT MIND, BUT I RESPECT
YOU FOR IT.
I'LL TELL YA
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF
MY COAT--THE BIDS.
THE BIDS ARE IN THE COAT--
AND I'M GONNA HANG IT RIGHT
HERE ON THIS COAT RACK.
THEN, I AM GOING INSIDE
TO, UH, WASH MY HANDS, AND,
JOEY, YOU JUST KNOCK ON
THAT DOOR WHEN I'M DONE.
NICE SHIRT.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOE.
AIN'T YOU GONNA LOOK
AT YOUR PRESENT?
- WHADDAYA MEAN?
THE GUY'S ASKING FOR A BRIBE.
- RIGHT.
- FELLAS...
I'M ONLY THE BOOKKEEPER,
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
WE REALLY SHOULD NOT DO.
- WHY NOT?
- WE CAN'T AFFORD A BRIBE.
- HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS CONVERSATION?
IT'S THAT I'M GONNA END
UP SOUNDING LIKE A HERO,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO
INTO MY POCKET AND PAY OFF SOME
SLIMY GUY FOR A CONTRACT,
WHO'S RIPPING OFF
THE WHOLE WORLD.
NOW, THAT SHOULD MAKE
SOMEBODY NORMAL, NOT A HERO.
CHARLIE?
I'M NOT PAYING YOU
OFF ANY BRIBE.
- AHH.
- CHARLIE?
NOT ONLY AM
I NOT PAYING YOU OFF,
BUT IF YOU DON'T GIVE US
A FAIR DEAL ON THIS JOB,
I'M GONNA REPORT YOU AND SAY
THAT YOU ASKED FOR A BRIBE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT'S BLACKMAIL.
YOU KNOW THAT'S ILLEGAL?
YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THAT?
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT EVEN
HAVE TO REPORT YOU.
YOU WANNA GO TO JAIL?
- NO!
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL LET YOU OFF THIS TIME.
- JOE?
WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY?
- OH, ABOUT 3:00.
- JOE?
A FUNNY THING JUST
HAPPENED IN THERE.
I WAS LYING IN BED, YOU KNOW,
HALF ASLEEP, HUGGING YOU,
AND SUDDENLY I REALIZED
YOU WEREN'T THERE.
I THINK I'M HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR PILLOW.
JOE?
HEY, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
- NAH, NAH.
IT'D JUST KEEP ME UP.
- DO YOU WANT A PILLOW?
- RHODA, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP?
HUH?
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHO SLEEPS AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING?
DON'T SMILE.
- THAT DAMN BUSINESS IS
LIKE ONE BIG DEMPSEY DUMPSTER.
IF ANYBODY'S HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING RID OF MONEY, THEY CAN
JUST STICK IT
INTO MY BUSINESS.
I HATE LOSING
YOUR MONEY, BABE.
I REALLY HATE IT.
THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE
IS HAVING TO TELL YOU THAT
I LOST IT.
- OH, JOE, LISTEN.
IT WAS OUR MONEY.
REALLY.
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
IT WAS MY MONEY.
IT'S TRUE.
BUT I DON'T CARE.
NOBODY EVER CARED LESS
THAN I CARE ABOUT THAT MONEY.
I'M TELLING YOU.
BUT I WANT TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
WHAT DOES MAKE ME FEEL BAD
IS WHAT YOU'RE CARRYING
AROUND INSIDE
AND I CAN'T HELP.
NOW, IS THERE
ANYTHING I CAN DO?
- NO.
- HUH?
THERE'S GOTTA BE
SOMETHING, JOE.
- NO,
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
- WOULD LEAVING
YOU ALONE HELP?
HUH?
AM I BUGGING YOU RIGHT NOW?
YOU GOTTA GIVE ME
A HINT HERE, JOE. HUH?
UH...
OK, JUST TELL ME IF IT
WOULD MAKE IT BETTER OR WORSE
IF I STAY.
- NO,
IT'S BETTER THAT YOU'RE HERE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE DISTRACTING
ME FROM IT.
- DO YOU MIND TALKING
ABOUT THE BUSINESS?
- NO.
- OK, THEN, TELL ME.
WHAT'S A DEMPSEY DUMPSTER?
- WELL,
IT'S THIS BIG THING, YOU SEE,
COLLECTING TRASH.
- OH.
I ALWAYS CALL
THAT COUSIN ARTHUR.
LISTEN.
I WANNA MAKE SURE--
ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN--
THAT YOU'RE NOT WORRYING OVER
HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE MONEY.
BECAUSE I DON'T CARE.
I REALLY DON'T CARE.
I NEVER HAD IT,
SO I DON'T MISS IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
MONOPOLY MONEY, JOE.
AND I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
TO BUY BOARDWALK, SO WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
- IT'LL BE OK.
- WHAT'LL BE OK?
- THIS BUSINESS.
THE MONEY THING.
- BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU.
ARE YOU GONNA BE OK?
HUH? IS THIS TERRIBLE
WHAT I'M DOING?
AM I DOING EXACTLY
THE WRONG THING HERE?
THIS IS THE KIND OF THING
I ALWAYS SCREW UP, JOE.
I MEAN...
I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU
FEELING BAD THAT I FORGET
YOU'RE FEELING BAD.
JOE, HAVE YOU CRIED?
- OH, DON'T START WITH THAT.
- REALLY, I'M TELLING YOU--
- NO, NO.
THAT'S NOT A GOOD SUBJECT FOR
ME TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
- I THINK IT'S A VERY GOOD
SUBJECT FOR US TO BOTH TALK
ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
NOW LISTEN, YOU CAN'T GO
ON KEEPING ALL THIS STUFF
INSIDE OF YOU.
IT HAS GOT TO COME OUT SOMEHOW.
[COUGHING]
- FORGIVE ME, BUT I
DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA
DO IT, JOE.
OH, BABE, I'M NOT
ASKING YOU TO CRY. I'M NOT.
BUT I AM ASKING YOU TO TELL
ME WHAT'S REALLY GOING THROUGH
YOUR MIND.
NOT JUST WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU KNOW?
- WHAT AM I ARGUING
WITH YOU FOR?
I MEAN, THIS IS
YOUR SPECIALTY.
YOU DON'T MARRY
JULIA CHILD
AND THEN TELL HER
HOW TO COOK, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
- OK.
- GOOD.
- OK.
WHAT'S REALLY BEEN
ON MY MIND IS THAT,
UM, WELL, I'M AFRAID
OF LOSING THE BUSINESS.
IT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR
THE MONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND?
I MEAN,
I CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER JOB,
BUT YOU SORT OF GET USED
TO BEING YOUR OWN BOSS.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE STATIC FROM ANYBODY.
YOU WORK A LOT
OF YEARS TO GET THERE,
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU WALK INTO AN OFFICE
A LITTLE LATE ONE TIME,
AND YOU'VE GOTTA SWEAT BECAUSE
SOME BIG SHOT IS LOOKING
AT HIS WATCH?
I MEAN,
WITH YOUR OWN SHOP, THERE'S
THAT FEELING OF IT BEING YOURS.
YOU KNOW? IT'S A--
IT'S A FEELING
OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.
AH, WHAT THE HECK?
I GUESS I JUST GOTTA
TAKE WHAT COMES.
I GUESS I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH,
BECAUSE I REALLY THINK
I'M GONNA LOSE
THE BUSINESS.
I GUESS, UM...
I FAILED. UH...
I GUESS. UH...
UM...I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
- SORRY?
JOE, JOE.
IS THAT A--HEY, IS THAT--
- NO, IT'S NOT.
NOT REALLY.
- I BET YOU IT IS.
I'M TELLING YOU I THINK IT IS.
- DO YOU THINK SO?
- YES, YEAH,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE.
OH, JOE.
- NOW,
WE'RE NOT SURE IT WAS A TEAR.
- COME ON, JOE.
COME ON, IT WAS A TEAR.
WHAT COULD IT BE?
- WELL,
IT'S A START ANYWAY.
AW, JOE.
- SO HOW DID MA LIKE HER
DAY AT ELIZABETH ARDEN?
- OH, FINE, FINE.
- YEAH?
SO TELL ME, HOW
DID SHE TURN OUT?
- WELL,
SHE WAS STILL MA, BUT SHE
LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY
SHELLACKED HER
FROM HEAD TO FOOT.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- BRENDA, I HOPE YOUR SENSE OF
TOUCH IS READY TO FREAK OUT.
GET A LOAD OF THIS.
- WOW.
CASHMERE.
- PLEASE, BRENDA.
NOT JUST CASHMERE.
THIS IS GENUINE I-WANTED-IT-
IN-1956-WHEN-ALL-THE-OTHER-
GIRLS-HAD-IT-BUT-I-DIDN'T
CASHMERE.
- I THINK I KNOW THE FEELING.
THAT'S HOW LONG I'VE WANTED A
DATE WHO DIDN'T WEAR GLASSES.
- BRENDA, THIS IS THE
MOST WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS
OF MY LIFE.
I MEAN,
I'M MARRIED AND I HAD
AN INCREDIBLY GOOD
SEASON WINDOW DRESSING.
AND I WASN'T GONNA TELL ANYBODY
THIS, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE, I HAVE
MONEY IN THE BANK.
- HOW MUCH?
- $2,000.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
HOW DID YOU GET THAT MUCH?
- WELL,
I'VE GOT THIS TERRIFIC SYSTEM
FOR SAVING MONEY.
SEE, YOU GOTTA WORK HARD
AND MAKE A DECENT SALARY.
THEN YOU MARRY SOMEBODY, AND
YOU BANK EVERY CENT YOU MAKE.
- WELL, NOT EVERYTHING.
NO, JOE'S BEEN
KINDA DOWN LATELY.
BUT NOW THAT I'M
THROUGH WITH THE SEASON,
I CAN SPEND MORE
TIME WITH HIM.
- WELL, WHAT'S HE DOWN ABOUT?
- WELL, I THINK
IT'S THE BUSINESS.
IT'S NOT GOING
SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.
BUT I FIGURE CHRISTMAS HAS
GOT TO BE THE SLOW SEASON
FOR DEMOLITION. RIGHT?
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT MIGHT BE SLOW
FOR DEMOLITION, BUT IT'S
THE BIG SEASON FOR DOORMEN.
DID CARLTON HIT YOU UP
FOR A GIFT YET?
- NO,
BUT HE REGISTERED HIS PATTERN
AT THE LIQUOR STORE.
- WELL, ANYWAY WE
GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM--MA.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA GET FOR HER?
- YEAH, BOY.
WELL, SHE LIKES
PEARL NECKLACES.
- I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT
POP GIVES HER EVERY YEAR.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH. AND SHE ALREADY LOOKS
LIKE SHE'S BEEN LASSOED
BY LIBERACE.
- HEY, I KNOW.
I KNOW. WHY DON'T WE CHIP IN
AND BUY HER A GIFT CERTIFICATE
FOR A DAY AT ELIZABETH ARDEN?
- YOU MEAN ONE OF THOSE
DAYS WHERE THEY
COMPLETELY REDO YOU?
- YEAH.
- OH.
- I WONDER WHAT
THEY'LL MAKE HER INTO.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST GOT
INTO THIS BUSINESS, I DREAMED
I'D BE DEMOLITIONING
SKYSCRAPERS.
NOW LOOK AT ME, FIGURING
OUT BIDS FOR TOLL BOOTHS
AND NEWSSTANDS.
- JOE? HENDERSON CALLED.
HE SAID YOU
OWE HIM 900 BUCKS
AND HE WILL NOT
WAIT ONE MORE DAY.
- SO PAY HIM.
- WITH WHAT?
- WHAT ABOUT
THE EMERGENCY FUND?
- I USED THAT
FOR THE DECORATIONS.
- YOU KNOW, ALL THIS
AGGRAVATION WOULD DISAPPEAR
IN A MINUTE IF WE JUST COULD
JUST LAND THAT CITY CONTRACT.
- THAT'S A 20-STORY JOB.
THAT'S GOING TO ONE
OF THE BIG BOYS.
YOU CAN FORGET THAT, JOE.
- HOW CAN I FORGET IT?
JUST ONE JOB, ONE LIKE THAT,
AND I WOULD BE OVER THE HUMP
FOR A YEAR.
- MEANWHILE, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT THESE BILLS, JOE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WISH THESE BILLS WOULD
DISAPPEAR LIKE THE JOBS DO.
- WELL, THERE'S
A BRIGHT SIDE, JOE.
YOU CAN HOLD UP ON MY SALARY
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I DON'T NEED IT.
- YOU DON'T?
- NO. I MADE $34,000 THIS YEAR.
- THAT'S MORE
THAN YOU MADE, JOE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING'S STRANGE
WHEN THE BOSS MAKES LESS
THAN THE EMPLOYEES.
- WELL, I'VE GOT
A GREAT UNION.
BUT IT WASN'T
THAT EASY, NOW.
SOME WEEKS I HAD
TO WORK 35, 36 HOURS.
- YOU KNOW?
I THINK I COULD'VE DONE BETTER
WITH A UNION JOB MYSELF.
- HEY,
THERE WASN'T NO SENSE IN ME
GETTING IN THE UNION.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE KIND OF
SUSPICIOUS OF US COLLEGE GUYS.
- YEAH?
THEN HOW'D YOU GET IN?
- ALL IT TOOK WAS
A JOB INTERVIEW.
17 CIVIL RIGHTS LAWYERS
WORKING DAY AND NIGHT
FOR FOUR YEARS.
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE INTERVIEW.
HEY.
THEY HAD 16,000 GUYS IN
THE UNION, AND ALL OF THEM
WERE WHITE.
SO I WALKED OVER TO THEM
AND SAID, "HEY, YOU'VE GOT
16,000 GUYS IN THE UNION
AND NONE OF THEM BLACK."
AND THEY ACTED
REAL SURPRISED,
THE GUY SAID, "NOT ONE?"
"WELL, I'M SURE I SAW ONE."
"WELL, WHADDAYA KNOW,
NOT EVEN ONE.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING ELSE?"
BUT THAT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO, THOUGH.
NOW WE'VE GOT
THREE IN THE UNION.
- AH, DAMN IT.
SOMETIMES I THINK IT'S
MY FAULT, WHAT'S HAPPENING
WITH THE BUSINESS.
BUT IT'S NOT.
I MEAN,
I'M OUT THERE ALL THE TIME,
HUSTLING, BIDDING
ON EVERY SINGLE JOB.
BUT I'M NOT ROMANCING
PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?
I'M NOT DOING
THE COCKTAIL CIRCUIT.
I'M TRYING TO PLAY IT
STRAIGHT, AND THEY'RE STEALING
ME BLIND OUT THERE.
I TELL YA, I SWEAR THAT
THERE'S NO WAY A GUY
CAN WIN OUT THERE.
- HEY, JOE.
WHY DON'T I GIVE
HENDERSON A CALL?
NOW, HE'S THE GUY WE OWED
THE LONGEST, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- MAYBE I CAN
STALL HIM FOR YOU.
- HENDERSON? NO WAY.
THE GUY'S GOT A WRECKING
BALL FOR A HEART.
- YOU'RE MAKING HIM
SOUND NICER THAN HE IS.
- EH,
IT DOESN'T HURT TO TRY.
MR. HENDERSON?
JUSTIN CULP HERE.
YES. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HOW ARE THOSE SIX BEAUTIFUL
KIDS OF YOURS?
UH-HUH.
YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL TELL YA WHY I'M CALLING.
WE'RE GONNA BUY EACH ONE
OF THE KIDS A BICYCLE
FOR CHRISTMAS.
OH, YEAH,
THOSE 10-SPEED RACING JOBS,
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, JUST TELL US WHERE
TO SEND THEM.
UH-HUH.
OK, MR. HENDERSON,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH. UH, BY THE WAY,
MR. HENDERSON.
WE'RE GONNA BE A LITTLE
LATE WITH THE PAYMENT.
YEAH, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
OK, THANK YOU.
BYE-BYE.
- WELL, I BOUGHT
YOU SOME TIME.
- YEAH?
- HOW MUCH?
- TILL CHRISTMAS MORNING.
IF YOU WANT ANY MORE,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME
THROUGH WITH THEM BICYCLES.
- AH. THESE POCKET
CALCULATORS DRIVE ME NUTS.
I CAN'T GET THIS THING
TO COME OUT STRAIGHT.
THE DECIMAL POINT
KEEPS JUMPING AROUND.
- MAYBE YOU GOT A DUMB ONE.
AH, COME ON, JOE.
LISTEN, THINGS ARE BAD NOW,
BUT THEY'RE GONNA GET BETTER.
SO, COME ON, CHEER UP, HUH?
- RHODA,
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING
IN THE DEMOLITION BUSINESS--
"WHEN THINGS GO DOWN,
THEY STAY DOWN."
- OK. LET'S NOT
TALK ABOUT BUSINESS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
FORGET IT.
YOU, UH,
YOU WANNA GO SOMEWHERE?
WE'LL FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
- CONEY ISLAND.
YEAH. YEAH, LET'S GO
TO CONEY ISLAND, JOE.
WE'LL DRESS UP NICE
AND WARM AND WE'LL WALK
ON THE BOARDWALK. HUH?
- NAH, THEY'RE TEARING
DOWN CONEY ISLAND.
- WHAT? WHAT?
- THAT'S ANOTHER
CONTRACT I BLEW.
- ALL RIGHT, JOE, OK.
YOU WIN.
LISTEN, WHAT AM I DOING
HERE TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP?
RIGHT? THIS IS SERIOUS.
SO, IF YOU WANT TO FEEL BAD,
YOU JUST GOTTA FEEL BAD.
MAYBE YOU NEED A GOOD CRY.
NO, NO, NO, I REALLY MEAN IT.
I DO.
- COME ON, I DON'T CRY.
- NEVER?
EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND
SOMEBODY STUCK HIS FINGERS
IN YOUR EYE?
- NOPE.
- NOT EVEN WHEN BAMBI GOT
CAUGHT IN THE FOREST FIRE?
HUH? DIDN'T YOU?
- OH, I GOT
A LITTLE LUMP IN MY THROAT
ABOUT THUMPER BEING
IN DANGER, BUT I DIDN'T CRY.
- WELL, I CAN'T GET
OVER THIS, JOE.
I CAN'T. I MEAN,
YOU'RE USUALLY SO OPEN ABOUT
ALL OF YOUR OTHER EMOTIONS.
CRYING IS A GREAT RELEASE.
IT IS. I MEAN...
YOU GET A CHANCE TO LET
OUT ALL THOSE PRESSURES
THAT BUILD UP INSIDE.
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER USED TO
ALWAYS TELL ME, "IF YOU HOLD
BACK A SNEEZE, YOU COULD
BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT."
- SO WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME?
THAT IF I HOLD BACK MY TEARS,
I'M GONNA DROWN?
- HEY, JOE, WAIT.
NOW, LOOK.
WHADDAYA GOT
AGAINST CRYING, JOE?
I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS SOME MACHO TRIP HERE?
THAT MEN CAN'T CRY?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
- OH, NO, NO, NO!
CRYING'S OK.
IN FACT, I SOMETIMES
ENVY PEOPLE WHO CAN CRY.
- SO WHAT DO YOU
DO WHEN YOU'RE SAD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I COUGH.
- OK, SO YOU DON'T
CRY WHEN YOU'RE SAD.
UM...DID YOU EVER CRY WHEN
SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING REALLY
BEAUTIFUL FOR YOU? HUH?
- I GUESS NOBODY EVER DID
ANYTHING THAT BEAUTIFUL.
- WELL...
TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- OK, JOE, GET READY.
I WAS GONNA GIVE THIS TO YOU
NEXT WEEK, BUT I THINK
I BETTER DO IT RIGHT NOW.
IT'S MY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.
I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE
YOU CRY, NOTHING WILL.
$2,000.
THE ONLY MONEY I EVER SAVED
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, JOE,
AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
NOW, YOU GOTTA TAKE IT--HERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO.
I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU A CHECK,
BUT I KNEW YOU
WOULDN'T CASH IT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW WONDERFUL
IT IS TO...
HAVE THE ONLY MONEY YOU EVER
HAD--TO FINALLY SAVE IT UP--
AND THEN YOU'RE SO IN LOVE
THAT IT DOESN'T EVEN MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS, JOE?
I MEAN, ALL MY LIFE
I'VE BEEN HUNG UP ON MONEY.
I HAVE.
AND NOW, HERE'S
THE MOMENT THAT I HAVE IT,
AND I'M--I'M--
I'M JUST SO MUCH IN LOVE
THAT IT DOESN'T--
GO AHEAD, JOE, CRY,
IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
IT IS. YOU GOT TO LET IT OUT.
IT'S GREAT IF YOU DO.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER
FOR IT, AND IT'S OK.
IT'S OK,
I REALLY UNDERSTAND.
I DO.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT UNMANLY.
- HI.
- HIYA.
- IS JOE UP YET?
- OH, YEAH, HE'S UP AND OUT.
HE'S GONE TO WORK.
- ON A SATURDAY?
- YEAH, THE POOR THING'S
OUT MAKING THE ROUNDS.
HE FELT HE SHOULD DO SOMETHING
TO DRUM UP A LITTLE BUSINESS.
- OH.
DID MA CALL YET?
- NO.
BUT SHE'S GOING TO, ISN'T SHE?
- YEAH.
- THAT WOMAN IS AMAZING.
I MEAN, THERE'S SOMETHING
MYSTICAL ABOUT HER, BRENDA.
- I KNOW.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID.
SHE ALWAYS KNEW WHEN I GOT
IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL.
FOR A WHILE THERE, I THOUGHT
SHE WAS BUGGING MY THERMOS.
- I KNOW THE FEELING.
I'VE BEEN BATTLING
IT FOR YEARS.
BUT I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT
A WAY TO FOOL HER.
- FOOL MA?
- YEP.
- OH, TELL ME.
RHODA, YOU GOTTA TELL ME.
- OH, LISTEN.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
IT'S ALL A MATTER OF ACTING
AND PERFECT VOICE CONTROL.
ONE SLIP, AND RIGHT OFF
SHE ASKS YOU WHAT'S WRONG.
AND THEN YOU CAN'T GET OFF
THAT TELEPHONE WITH HER
WITHOUT A PAIR
OF WIRE CUTTERS.
- OH, BOY, RHODA.
IF YOU CAN REALLY TAKE CARE
OF MA, THE WORLD IS YOURS.
- YEAH.
NOW I JUST HAVE TO BE ABLE
TO TAKE CARE OF JOE, RIGHT?
BOY, BRENDA, HE'S CARRYING
AROUND A DOUBLE LOAD.
HE'S TRYING TO FIX THE
BUSINESS, AND HE'S TRYING
TO HIDE HIS FEELINGS
AT THE SAME TIME.
HE KEEPS EVERYTHING
BOTTLED UP INSIDE HIM.
- LISTEN, RHO, IF ANYBODY
CAN CHEER JOE UP, YOU CAN.
- AHH.
I DON'T KNOW, BREN.
I THINK AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
THE BEST THING A WIFE CAN DO
IS HELP HER HUSBAND FEEL BAD.
- NO WONDER MA IS SUCH
A GREAT WIFE.
[BUZZER]
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
- HELLO?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YEAH, I KNOW. WHAT? WHAT?
- I'M JUST CALLING TO SEE
IF YOU LIKED MY GIFT.
- WHAT GIFT?
- TAKE A LOOK IN THE HALL.
- OK, CARLTON.
JUST A MINUTE.
- UH, CARLTON,
IT'S QUITE BEAUTIFUL.
UH, THANK YOU.
WHAT IS THIS?
- FUDGE.
- FUDGE.
- TASTE IT.
- OH,
YEAH, IT'S DELICIOUS, CARL--
- OH, NO, THAT WAS
TOO FAST TO TASTE THAT.
I'M NOT GETTING OFF
TILL YOU TRY IT.
I MADE IT MYSELF.
- IT'S NOT BAD, CARLTON.
- GOOD.
TELL THE PEOPLE IN 4A.
THEY SAID IT MADE THEM SICK.
- THANKS, CARLTON.
- OK, JOE, THESE
ARE THE PEOPLE THAT
OWE YOU MONEY.
THIS PILE, THESE GUYS
ARE 60 DAYS OVERDUE.
THESE ARE 90.
AND THESE GUYS HAVE
TOTALLY DISAPPEARED.
- AH,
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO ANYMORE.
- WELL, THERE'S ONE
THING YOU DIDN'T TRY, JOE.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- COLLECTION AGENCY.
- WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY
DIDN'T GROW UP IN HARLEM.
BUT IT BALANCES OUT.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
AN AVON LADY IS.
- AH, I DON'T KNOW.
A LOT OF THESE GUYS
ARE MY FRIENDS.
- GENTLEMEN?
- CHARLIE.
- CHARLIE CURRAN.
- HIYA, JOEY.
- LONG TIME, NO SEE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING, PAL?
- WELL,
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS
WORKING FOR THE CITY.
I TRAVEL AROUND, I LOOK AT BIDS.
I GIVE OUT DEMOLITION JOBS.
YOU KNOW. BORING.
- HOW'S THAT 20-STORY
JOB GOING, CHARLIE?
- OH,
I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE THIS, JOEY,
BUT THE BIDS ON THAT JOB
ARE SO CLOSE,
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE,
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S ALMOST
MY WHIM WHO GETS IT.
- THEY'RE CLOSE?
YOU MEAN WE'VE
STILL GOT A CHANCE?
- EVERYBODY'S GOT
A CHANCE, JOEY.
- YEAH, WELL, WHEN
ARE WE GONNA KNOW?
- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER
ALL THESE YEARS, JOE,
AND WE NEVER--
WE NEVER REALLY TALKED.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT NEVER TALKED?
- NO, NO, NO.
- WE TALK, CHARLIE--
- NO, NO, NO.
YOU MISS MY POINT, JOE.
I MEAN,
WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THE SORT
OF THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT,
UH, WANT...IN LIFE.
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT
I MIGHT, UH, WANT.
LIKE, WHAT DO
YOU WANT, JOE?
OUT OF LIFE?
- WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE?
- YEAH. WHAT DO YOU
WANT OUT OF LIFE?
- TELL HIM WHAT
HE WANTS TO KNOW.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
THE USUAL STUFF.
UH, I WANT MY WIFE AND I
TO HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE.
I WANT MY SON
TO TURN OUT RIGHT.
I WANT MAYBE ANOTHER KID...
UH, UH, KEEP UP MY HEALTH.
HOW ABOUT YOU, CHARLIE?
- ME?
I WANT THE BIGGEST
CADILLAC THEY MAKE.
BUT THAT TAKES CASH, JOEY.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, THAT REALLY TAKES CASH.
A LOT OF CASH.
- CHARLIE, DO YOU MIND IF I
SPEAK TO MY ASSOCIATE ALONE
FOR A MINUTE?
- MIND?
JUSTIN, NOT ONLY WOULD I
NOT MIND, BUT I RESPECT
YOU FOR IT.
I'LL TELL YA
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF
MY COAT--THE BIDS.
THE BIDS ARE IN THE COAT--
AND I'M GONNA HANG IT RIGHT
HERE ON THIS COAT RACK.
THEN, I AM GOING INSIDE
TO, UH, WASH MY HANDS, AND,
JOEY, YOU JUST KNOCK ON
THAT DOOR WHEN I'M DONE.
NICE SHIRT.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOE.
AIN'T YOU GONNA LOOK
AT YOUR PRESENT?
- WHADDAYA MEAN?
THE GUY'S ASKING FOR A BRIBE.
- RIGHT.
- FELLAS...
I'M ONLY THE BOOKKEEPER,
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
WE REALLY SHOULD NOT DO.
- WHY NOT?
- WE CAN'T AFFORD A BRIBE.
- HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS CONVERSATION?
IT'S THAT I'M GONNA END
UP SOUNDING LIKE A HERO,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO
INTO MY POCKET AND PAY OFF SOME
SLIMY GUY FOR A CONTRACT,
WHO'S RIPPING OFF
THE WHOLE WORLD.
NOW, THAT SHOULD MAKE
SOMEBODY NORMAL, NOT A HERO.
CHARLIE?
I'M NOT PAYING YOU
OFF ANY BRIBE.
- AHH.
- CHARLIE?
NOT ONLY AM
I NOT PAYING YOU OFF,
BUT IF YOU DON'T GIVE US
A FAIR DEAL ON THIS JOB,
I'M GONNA REPORT YOU AND SAY
THAT YOU ASKED FOR A BRIBE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT'S BLACKMAIL.
YOU KNOW THAT'S ILLEGAL?
YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THAT?
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT EVEN
HAVE TO REPORT YOU.
YOU WANNA GO TO JAIL?
- NO!
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL LET YOU OFF THIS TIME.
- JOE?
WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY?
- OH, ABOUT 3:00.
- JOE?
A FUNNY THING JUST
HAPPENED IN THERE.
I WAS LYING IN BED, YOU KNOW,
HALF ASLEEP, HUGGING YOU,
AND SUDDENLY I REALIZED
YOU WEREN'T THERE.
I THINK I'M HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR PILLOW.
JOE?
HEY, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
- NAH, NAH.
IT'D JUST KEEP ME UP.
- DO YOU WANT A PILLOW?
- RHODA, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP?
HUH?
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHO SLEEPS AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING?
DON'T SMILE.
- THAT DAMN BUSINESS IS
LIKE ONE BIG DEMPSEY DUMPSTER.
IF ANYBODY'S HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING RID OF MONEY, THEY CAN
JUST STICK IT
INTO MY BUSINESS.
I HATE LOSING
YOUR MONEY, BABE.
I REALLY HATE IT.
THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE
IS HAVING TO TELL YOU THAT
I LOST IT.
- OH, JOE, LISTEN.
IT WAS OUR MONEY.
REALLY.
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
IT WAS MY MONEY.
IT'S TRUE.
BUT I DON'T CARE.
NOBODY EVER CARED LESS
THAN I CARE ABOUT THAT MONEY.
I'M TELLING YOU.
BUT I WANT TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
WHAT DOES MAKE ME FEEL BAD
IS WHAT YOU'RE CARRYING
AROUND INSIDE
AND I CAN'T HELP.
NOW, IS THERE
ANYTHING I CAN DO?
- NO.
- HUH?
THERE'S GOTTA BE
SOMETHING, JOE.
- NO,
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
- WOULD LEAVING
YOU ALONE HELP?
HUH?
AM I BUGGING YOU RIGHT NOW?
YOU GOTTA GIVE ME
A HINT HERE, JOE. HUH?
UH...
OK, JUST TELL ME IF IT
WOULD MAKE IT BETTER OR WORSE
IF I STAY.
- NO,
IT'S BETTER THAT YOU'RE HERE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE DISTRACTING
ME FROM IT.
- DO YOU MIND TALKING
ABOUT THE BUSINESS?
- NO.
- OK, THEN, TELL ME.
WHAT'S A DEMPSEY DUMPSTER?
- WELL,
IT'S THIS BIG THING, YOU SEE,
COLLECTING TRASH.
- OH.
I ALWAYS CALL
THAT COUSIN ARTHUR.
LISTEN.
I WANNA MAKE SURE--
ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN--
THAT YOU'RE NOT WORRYING OVER
HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE MONEY.
BECAUSE I DON'T CARE.
I REALLY DON'T CARE.
I NEVER HAD IT,
SO I DON'T MISS IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
MONOPOLY MONEY, JOE.
AND I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
TO BUY BOARDWALK, SO WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
- IT'LL BE OK.
- WHAT'LL BE OK?
- THIS BUSINESS.
THE MONEY THING.
- BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU.
ARE YOU GONNA BE OK?
HUH? IS THIS TERRIBLE
WHAT I'M DOING?
AM I DOING EXACTLY
THE WRONG THING HERE?
THIS IS THE KIND OF THING
I ALWAYS SCREW UP, JOE.
I MEAN...
I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU
FEELING BAD THAT I FORGET
YOU'RE FEELING BAD.
JOE, HAVE YOU CRIED?
- OH, DON'T START WITH THAT.
- REALLY, I'M TELLING YOU--
- NO, NO.
THAT'S NOT A GOOD SUBJECT FOR
ME TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
- I THINK IT'S A VERY GOOD
SUBJECT FOR US TO BOTH TALK
ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
NOW LISTEN, YOU CAN'T GO
ON KEEPING ALL THIS STUFF
INSIDE OF YOU.
IT HAS GOT TO COME OUT SOMEHOW.
[COUGHING]
- FORGIVE ME, BUT I
DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA
DO IT, JOE.
OH, BABE, I'M NOT
ASKING YOU TO CRY. I'M NOT.
BUT I AM ASKING YOU TO TELL
ME WHAT'S REALLY GOING THROUGH
YOUR MIND.
NOT JUST WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU KNOW?
- WHAT AM I ARGUING
WITH YOU FOR?
I MEAN, THIS IS
YOUR SPECIALTY.
YOU DON'T MARRY
JULIA CHILD
AND THEN TELL HER
HOW TO COOK, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
- OK.
- GOOD.
- OK.
WHAT'S REALLY BEEN
ON MY MIND IS THAT,
UM, WELL, I'M AFRAID
OF LOSING THE BUSINESS.
IT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR
THE MONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND?
I MEAN,
I CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER JOB,
BUT YOU SORT OF GET USED
TO BEING YOUR OWN BOSS.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE STATIC FROM ANYBODY.
YOU WORK A LOT
OF YEARS TO GET THERE,
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU WALK INTO AN OFFICE
A LITTLE LATE ONE TIME,
AND YOU'VE GOTTA SWEAT BECAUSE
SOME BIG SHOT IS LOOKING
AT HIS WATCH?
I MEAN,
WITH YOUR OWN SHOP, THERE'S
THAT FEELING OF IT BEING YOURS.
YOU KNOW? IT'S A--
IT'S A FEELING
OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.
AH, WHAT THE HECK?
I GUESS I JUST GOTTA
TAKE WHAT COMES.
I GUESS I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH,
BECAUSE I REALLY THINK
I'M GONNA LOSE
THE BUSINESS.
I GUESS, UM...
I FAILED. UH...
I GUESS. UH...
UM...I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
- SORRY?
JOE, JOE.
IS THAT A--HEY, IS THAT--
- NO, IT'S NOT.
NOT REALLY.
- I BET YOU IT IS.
I'M TELLING YOU I THINK IT IS.
- DO YOU THINK SO?
- YES, YEAH,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE.
OH, JOE.
- NOW,
WE'RE NOT SURE IT WAS A TEAR.
- COME ON, JOE.
COME ON, IT WAS A TEAR.
WHAT COULD IT BE?
- WELL,
IT'S A START ANYWAY.
AW, JOE.
- SO HOW DID MA LIKE HER
DAY AT ELIZABETH ARDEN?
- OH, FINE, FINE.
- YEAH?
SO TELL ME, HOW
DID SHE TURN OUT?
- WELL,
SHE WAS STILL MA, BUT SHE
LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY
SHELLACKED HER
FROM HEAD TO FOOT.