Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 11 - 9-E Is Available - full transcript
Feeling like Joe's place isn't really "theirs", after one of Joe's ex's stops by, Rhoda needs to talk to Joe about getting a whole new place. Her sister Brenda has been informed by Carlton The Doorman that Apt. 9-E in her building is available for only a few dollars more. When the two girls are on the phone to Joe's workplace, Brenda is hurt when Joe says he'd rather not live so close to her. Will Rhoda and Joe stay put... Or can things be worked out between Joe & Brenda and 9-E can be called home?
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- AAH!
- HEY, DON'T SHOOT,
I'M NOT A BURGLAR.
- IF YOU'RE NOT A BURGLAR,
WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU GOT TO
BREAK IN LIKE THAT?
- I'M JILL.
I'M A FRIEND OF JOE'S.
LOOK, I'M SORRY I SCARED YOU.
- SCARED ME?
I'M A NEW YORKER,
I'M SCARED OF EVERYTHING.
WHERE'D YOU GET A KEY?
- SAME PLACE YOU DID.
JOE GAVE IT TO ME.
- WELL,
JOE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KEY.
- THEN HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?
- I MARRIED MY WAY IN.
I'M RHODA MORGENSTERN GERARD,
WHICH REPLACES
JEAN-PIERRE AUMONT
AS MY FAVORITE NAME TO SAY.
- WELL,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
SO JOE GOT MARRIED.
- YEAH, YEAH, HE DID.
WHY?
ARE YOU SURPRISED?
- WELL, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
THE KIND OF GIRL
I EXPECTED JOE TO MARRY.
- OH, WHO'D YOU EXPECT?
- ME.
- OH, OH.
WELL, LISTEN, HOW LONG
DID YOU TWO GO TOGETHER?
- WELL, THREE MONTHS,
UNTIL I MOVED
TO SAN FRANCISCO.
- YOU MEAN, HE GAVE YOU
A KEY AFTER ONLY THREE MONTHS?
- WELL,
ACTUALLY, IT WAS ONE MONTH,
AND THEN THE KEY.
- EXCUSE ME, WHEN WAS THIS?
- LAST SUMMER.
- OH, WELL, THE SUMMER.
- WELL,
LISTEN, I MEAN, AS LONG AS
YOU'RE MARRIED
AND EVERYTHING,
THERE'S REALLY NO POINT
IN MY STICKING AROUND HERE,
SO WHY DON'T I JUST
GET MY STUFF AND SPLIT, HUH?
- NO,
WAIT, LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU
STICK AROUND, JILL?
I MEAN, HAVE A DRINK.
JOE WILL BE HOME SOON.
- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
I MEAN,
WHY WOULD YOU WANT ONE
OF JOE'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS
TO STICK AROUND?
- I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE SOPHISTICATED.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
IT DIDN'T FEEL SO HOT.
BUT, LOOK, JILL,
WE ARE BOTH GROWN-UPS.
I HAPPEN TO BE A COUPLE OF
YEARS MORE GROWN UP THAN YOU.
BUT, PLEASE STAY, HUH?
- WELL, I WOULDN'T
MIND A DRINK.
- OK, GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I'D LOVE A VODKA
ON THE ROCKS.
- OK, VODKA.
OH, BOY, I'M SORRY, JILL,
WE SEEM TO BE OUT OF VODKA.
- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- AH.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE
THE FLOOR WAX IS?
- NO.
- I DO.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
OH, BOY, IT'S A GOOD THING
I STUCK AROUND, YOU KNOW,
I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN
MY PAINTING.
- OH,
THAT PAINTING IS YOURS?
- YEAH.
- OH.
HOW ABOUT THE FISH?
- THAT'S JOE'S.
- JOE'S? TOO BAD.
- HI, HONEY, I'M HOME.
- OR IN THIS CASE,
"HI, HONEYS, I'M HOME."
- HI, JOE.
SURPRISE.
- JILL!
JILL, HI!
HI, JILL.
- HEY YA, JOE.
- RHODA, DID YOU MEET JILL?
OF COURSE YOU DID.
THIS IS SORT
OF AWKWARD FOR ME.
- WHY?
- WELL, NO, ONLY KIDDING.
IT'S NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.
SO, JILL, DID YOU MEET RHODA?
- YEAH.
- OF COURSE YOU DID.
- CONGRATULATIONS, JOE.
I HOPE THE TWO OF YOU ARE
GOING TO BE VERY HAPPY.
- THANKS, JILL.
- BYE.
MY LIFE'S AMBITION IS TO WEAR
WHITE PANTS LIKE SHE HAD ON.
THAT WAS A 30-POUND GIRL
YOU HAD THERE, JOEY.
WHAT, DO YOU GO FOR
US SLIM CHICKS, HUH?
- WELL,
LOOK, THERE WAS A PERIOD
IN MY LIFE AFTER MY DIVORCE
WHEN I WAS SORT OF--
- YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I SORT OF EXPECTED IT.
I SUSPECTED SOMETHING.
I WAS GOING
THROUGH THE CHECKS.
IT SEEMED VERY STRANGE INDEED
THAT A PERSON WOULD HAVE
A CHARGE ACCOUNT
TO A LOCKSMITH.
- HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS DIDN'T
BOTHER YOU, DID IT? HUH?
- NO.
- HUH?
- NO,
REALLY NOT, JOE.
LISTEN, I FOUND OUT
WHERE YOU KEEP OUR VODKA.
AHH.
JOE, EVER THINK ABOUT
MOVING TO A BIGGER PLACE?
- OH, COME ON.
YOU'RE JUST BOTHERED
BY AN OLD GIRLFRIEND THERE.
- NO, I'M NOT.
I SWEAR.
THAT'S NOT JUST IT.
I MEAN,
IT DOES BOTHER ME A LITTLE,
I'LL ADMIT IT.
BECAUSE ACTUALLY
THIS PLACE--I DON'T KNOW--
DOESN'T FEEL LIKE
OUR PLACE.
IT FEELS LIKE YOUR PLACE.
A LITTLE LIKE HER PLACE.
- OH, RHODA,
LOOK, ASIDE FROM THE FACT
THAT WE DIDN'T MOVE
HERE YESTERDAY TOGETHER,
WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THIS PLACE?
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S NO BEDROOM.
- WE HAVE A BEDROOM.
WE JUST DON'T HAVE
ANY WALLS AROUND IT.
- JOE,
ALL MY LIFE I'VE WANTED
A SEPARATE BEDROOM. REALLY.
I MEAN,
THE LAST TIME I HAD A ROOM
OF MY OWN WAS WHEN
I WAS IN AN INCUBATOR.
- LOOK, RHODA, YOU
HAVE TO BE REALISTIC.
I MEAN TO SAY, IT'S
TOUGH ENOUGH TO GET
A GOOD APARTMENT.
IF WE EVER DID FIND ONE,
IT WOULD COST TWICE
AS MUCH AS THIS PLACE COSTS.
- BUT WHAT IF I
CAN FIND IT, HUH?
WHY DON'T I JUST TELL BRENDA,
A COUPLE OF OTHER PEOPLE,
TO KEEP THEIR EYES OPEN
FOR US? OK? WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WELL, IT WOULD HAVE
TO BE A FANTASTIC PLACE
TO GET ME
TO MOVE OUT OF HERE.
- JOE,
WHY SHOULD I HAVE ANY TROUBLE
FINDING US A FANTASTIC PLACE?
YOU SIMPLY OPEN THE PAPER
AND TURN TO FANTASTIC.
IT'S SIMPLE.
- WELL,
LOOK, WE CAN'T AFFORD MUCH MORE
THAN WE'RE PAYING RIGHT
NOW, YOU KNOW.
- HERE WE HAVE IT, JOE.
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP.
HUH?
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP,
THREE BEDROOMS.
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP,
FOUR BEDROOMS.
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP,
FIVE GIRLS.
- WHAT?
- OOPS.
- THAT'S A MASSAGE PARLOR.
FANTASTIC AND
CHEAP 12 BEDROOMS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA!
- YEAH!
- I THOUGHT YOU'D
NEVER GET HERE.
- I KNOW.
- MY LUNCH HOUR IS ALMOST OVER.
- I'M SORRY, BREN.
- RHO,
I GOT GREAT NEWS.
- YEAH.
- 9-E IS AVAILABLE.
- 9-E IS AVAILABLE.
WHAT IS THAT, AN APARTMENT?
HERE IN THIS BUILDING?
BRENDA, THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT'S IT LIKE?
- I HEAR IT'S GOT A HUGE
LIVING ROOM, OAK FLOORS,
A FANTASTIC BEDROOM,
A FIREPLACE,
A SUNKEN TUB, A TERRACE
WITH A VIEW OF THE CITY.
- IT'S TERRIFIC.
- GREAT.
WHEN ARE HUGH HEFFNER AND
THE BUNNIES MOVING OUT?
ARE YOU KIDDING, BREN?
I MEAN, WE CAN'T AFFORD
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- $310.
- HOW COME THERE'S
NO SIGN OUT IN FRONT?
- NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT.
CARLTON TIPPED ME OFF.
- WAIT,
WAS HE DRINKING AT THE TIME?
- YEAH.
- THEN IT MUST BE TRUE.
THAT WAS REALLY SWEET
OF CARLTON TO TELL YOU.
- OH, NOT SO SWEET.
HE WANTS A BRIBE.
- OH.
- BUT, RHO, YOU GOTTA TAKE
THIS APARTMENT.
- EASY,
NOW, BREN, WAIT.
I GOTTA SEE IT FIRST, RIGHT?
THEN I GOTTA SHOW IT TO JOE.
THEN JOE WILL WANT ME
TO LOOK AT OTHER PLACES.
- BUT, RHO, THERE'S NO TIME.
TOMORROW
THE "FOR RENT" SIGNS GO OUT.
IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE
A LAND RUSH AROUND HERE.
- OK, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WE BETTER
LOOK AT IT RIGHT AWAY.
- OH,
RHO, IT WOULD BE SO GREAT
TO HAVE YOU LIVING HERE.
I'VE REALLY BEEN DOWN IN
THE DUMPS SINCE YOU MOVED OUT.
- I COULD TELL.
I SAW THE EMPTY DING DONG
CARTONS IN YOUR GARBAGE.
- HELLO?
- HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- CARLTON, THIS IS BRENDA.
- AND THIS IS CARLTON.
- RIGHT.
CARLTON, LISTEN,
MY SISTER'S INTERESTED IN 9-E.
- OH,
IS SHE GONNA TAKE CARE OF ME?
- OK,
CARLTON, HOW MUCH YOU WANT?
- HOW MUCH YOU GOT?
- COME ON, COME ON,
NAME A FIGURE.
- $27,000.
TOO HIGH, HUH?
- CARLTON, LISTEN, HOW MUCH DO
YOU WANT JUST TO SHOW ME 9-E?
- WILL YOU BUY ME A BOTTLE?
- NO,
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A BUCK.
- OH, GOOD, THEN I CAN BUY
TWO BOTTLES.
[DOOR BUZZER]
[DOOR BUZZER]
- OH, HIYA. CARLTON
THE DOORMAN SENT US.
- OH, HE SAID TWO
FAR OUT CHICKS WAS COMING UP.
- WELL, UNTIL THEY
GET HERE, CAN WE LOOK AROUND?
- COME IN, COME IN.
- THANK YOU.
- [WHISTLES]
- MY NAME IS LUIS ALVAREZ.
- HI.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
BEAUTIFUL PERSON?
- UH, RHODA GERARD.
- I'M BEAUTIFUL
PERSON'S SISTER, BRENDA.
- WHATEVER.
- SO,
RHO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I THINK IT'S THE MOST
FANTASTIC APARTMENT
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
- LISTEN, DON'T LET CARLTON
HEAR YOU SAY THAT,
HE'LL CHARGE YOU MORE BRIBE.
- MORE?
FOR THIS CRUDDY DUMP?
- LISTEN, I DON'T
MEAN TO BE NOSY,
BUT WHY ARE YOU
MOVING OUT?
- MY LIFE AND I
IS GETTING A DIVORCE.
- OH,
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
- MMM. WELL. OH.
- YEAH.
- LISTEN, SWEETHEART,
CAN WE TALK?
- THAT'S ALL WE DO IS TALK.
- BUT THIS TIME I THINK
WE CAN WORK IT OUT.
- WELL, MAYBE TONIGHT.
NOW I'VE GOT TO GET GOING.
- ALL I'M ASKING IS
A LITTLE CONVERSATION--
A CHANCE TO
TALK WITH YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, HONEY.
- BOY,
AFTER TONIGHT YOU MAY NOT
BE LEAVING THIS
APARTMENT, HUH?
- OH, NO, I'VE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE.
IF MY WIFE FINDS OUT
ABOUT HER,
I'M GOING TO
BE IN BIG TROUBLE.
MY WIFE SAYS I'M CHEATING.
MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS I DON'T
SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH HER.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING--
THERE'S NO WAY TO PLEASE
A WOMAN, MAN.
SO, BEAUTIFUL PERSON...
BUSY TONIGHT?
- YES, VERY.
I'M MARRIED.
- THAT'S OK, SHE IS, TOO.
- YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I'M
WATCHING "ALL MY CHILDREN."
- ARE YOU A COP?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I JUST ASKED YOU
IF YOU'RE A COP.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I'M A COP?
I'M AN UNDERCOVER COP.
MY LIFE DEPENDS ON
NOBODY KNOWS I'M A COP.
- I CAN SEE THE SUNTAN MARK
FROM YOUR SHOULDER HOLSTER.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GLAD YOU TELL ME THIS.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE ONE OF MY BEST
DISGUISES IS I DRESS
LIKE A WOMAN.
I MUST MAKE A MENTAL NOTE.
FROM NOW ON,
NO MORE PEASANT BLOUSES.
AH, LISTEN, YOU GIRLS CAN STAY
HERE, LOOK AROUND IF YOU WANT.
I HAVE TO GO OUT ON DUTY.
- OH,
WHAT ARE YOU DISGUISED AS NOW?
- TONIGHT I'M DISGUISED AS
A GOOD-LOOKING PUERTO RICAN.
- WELL, THERE'S A MAN
WHO ENJOYS HIS WORK.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I LOVE MY WORK.
I LOVE MY WORK.
WHEN A POOR, DEPRIVED PERSON
LIKE ME WHO NEVER WENT
TO HIGH SCHOOL CAN GO OUT AND
ARREST SOME OF THE FINEST PEOPLE
IN THIS TOWN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE
IN A FANTASTIC COUNTRY.
AH, YOU LIKE MY PLACE?
- IT'S OK.
- DON'T STEAL NOTHING.
[FOOTSTEPS]
- IT'S INCREDIBLE!
- IT'S LOW RENT.
- I LOVE THIS PLACE.
- I HAVE TO HAVE IT!
- DID YOU SEE THAT
TERRACE IN THERE?
- OH, THE BEDROOM!
- THE BEAMS, RHO, THERE'S BEAMS.
- OH, IT'S GORGEOUS!
- I KNOW, I'M GOING
ON THE TERR--
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THIS PLACE.
- RHO,
YOU GOTTA TAKE THIS APARTMENT.
- I KNOW.
IF WE CAN GET IT.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT!
- IT'S GORGEOUS!
- I KNOW, I LOVE IT.
I JUST LOVE IT.
BUT JOE HAS GOT
TO LOVE IT, TOO.
I'LL MAKE HIM LOVE IT.
I'M GONNA CALL HIM RIGHT
NOW AND TELL HIM ABOUT IT.
- RHO,
CAN I LISTEN ON THE EXTENSION?
SO I WANNA HEAR HOW HAPPY
HE'LL BE WHEN YOU
TELL HIM ABOUT IT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- NEW YORK
WRECKING COMPANY, YEAH?
- HELLO, JOE, IT'S ME.
- OH, HI, BABE.
- YEAH. LISTEN, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
- LISTEN, CAN IT
WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT?
I'M JUST ON MY
WAY OUT TO A JOB.
- MAYBE IT CAN WAIT,
BUT I CAN'T.
IT'S SUCH GOOD NEWS, JOE.
I FOUND US A FANTASTIC
APARTMENT.
IT'S IN BRENDA'S BUILDING,
ON THE TOP FLOOR.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
IT HAS A SEPARATE BEDROOM,
A FIREPLACE--
- TELL HIM ABOUT THE
TERRACE, DON'T FORGET.
- YEAH, YEAH, A TERRACE.
A TERRACE, JOE.
WE CAN BARBECUE OUT THERE.
- BARBECUE IN NEW YORK?
YOU'D HAVE TO KEEP
VACUUMING THE MEAT.
- RHO, RHO,
TELL HIM HOW CHEAP IT IS.
- OH,
AND THE BEST OF ALL, JOE,
310 A MONTH.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?
- HEY, BABE, IT SOUNDS NICE,
EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.
I DON'T THINK IT'S SUCH
A GOOD IDEA TO LIVE
THAT CLOSE
TO YOUR SISTER.
- WE WON'T HAVE ANY PRIVACY.
- JOE. JOE.
- SHE'LL ALWAYS BE
DROPPING IN, YOU KNOW.
- LISTEN, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
- NO,
NO, LISTEN, I MEAN IT.
NOW, LOOK,
I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER,
ALL RIGHT?
- OK.
BYE.
- BRENDA, I'M SO SORRY.
LISTEN, YOU KNOW THAT
JOE DIDN'T MEAN IT
THE WAY IT SOUNDED.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW JOE,
YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
- YEAH, HE MEANS HE DOESN'T
WANNA BE AROUND ME.
- NO!
NO, I'M SURE THAT'S
NOT WHAT HE MEANT.
HE MEANT TO SAY--
- RHO, RHO, LOOK,
LOOK, DO ME A FAVOR, PLEASE.
LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT IT AGAIN, OK?
BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND
EXACTLY HOW JOE FEELS.
- YOU DO?
HOW DOES HE FEEL?
- HE FEELS LIKE HE
DOESN'T WANNA LIVE NEAR ME.
AND I CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES I FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF.
- AH, BRENDA!
BRENDA, LISTEN...
- YOU REMEMBER TODAY
ON THE TELEPHONE
WHEN YOU SAID YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE
IN THE SAME
BUILDING AS BRENDA?
- UH-HUH.
- WELL, BRENDA WAS
LISTENING ON THE EXTENSION.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING
FUNNY ABOUT GREAT DAYS?
ONE ROTTEN MINUTE CAN KILL IT.
- JOE, I'M SORRY.
- MAYBE BRENDA THOUGHT
I WAS JUST KIDDING.
- I DON'T THINK SO.
NO. SHE HAS THIS
DATE TONIGHT.
- WELL, THEN SHE
CAN'T FEEL TOO BAD.
- OH, YES, SHE CAN.
SHE CALLED LENNY.
- LENNY?
- YEAH.
- IT'S THIS PATTERN
THAT BRENDA HAS.
WHENEVER SHE'S FEELING
INSECURE, OR DOWN,
OR DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING,
SHE DOES THE SAME THING.
SHE DATES LENNY.
- WELL, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH LENNY?
- OH,
A GREAT DEAL.
A LOT.
BUT LENNY HAS ONE
GOOD POINT, OLD LEN,
YEAH, WHEN YOU CALL HIM UP
AND SAY, "COME ON OVER,"
BY THE TIME YOU SAY
"OVER," HE'S OVER.
- I GOTTA TALK TO BRENDA.
- WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA SAY, JOE?
- I HOPE SOMETHING
WILL COME TO ME.
NOTHING'S COMING.
I BETTER GO SEE HER.
- LISTEN, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- NO. I APPRECIATE THE OFFER,
BUT IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
- WHAT?
WELL, YOU'RE SAYING THAT
JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- HOW DO YOU FIGURE
IT'S YOUR FAULT?
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU
CALLED ME ON THE PHONE?
- YEAH.
- AND I PICKED IT UP
TO ANSWER IT?
- YEAH.
- I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE DONE THAT.
- BOY,
BRENDA, YOU'RE THE MOST
FANTASTIC GIRL I KNOW.
YOU REALLY ARE
ONE GREAT CHICK.
- YEAH, YEAH.
CONVINCE ME.
WHY AM I SO GREAT?
- WHY?
BECAUSE YOUR TOES ARE GREAT.
- BUT WHAT ELSE?
WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT
ME BESIDES MY TOES?
- WELL, YOU'RE SMART,
AND YOU REALLY HELP ME
WITH MY PROBLEMS.
- YEAH.
EXCEPT YOU STILL HAVEN'T
PASSED YOUR CPA EXAM.
I MEAN,
HOW LONG CAN IT GO ON?
EVERY SIX MONTHS YOU
TAKE THAT TEST AND FAIL.
- I KNOW.
I'VE TAKEN THAT TEST SO
MANY TIMES THEY GAVE ME
A PARKING SPACE.
- LOOK,
NEXT TIME YOU'LL PASS
THE TEST, I'M SURE.
- SURE, I WILL.
I'M REALLY GONNA
STUDY THIS TIME.
- WELL, GOOD.
WHEN'S THE TEST?
- TOMORROW MORNING.
- TOMORROW MORNING?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE STUDYING NOW?
- MAYBE I SHOULD, BUT
I'D RATHER BE WITH YOU.
- YOU REALLY THINK I'M
TERRIFIC, DON'T YOU?
- OF COURSE I DO.
YOU ARE TERRIFIC.
- YOU'RE WEIRD, LENNY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WOULD YOU?
I'D GET IT MYSELF,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO WALK
ON THESE GREAT TOES.
- HI.
- HI.
BYE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- HE'S SHY.
- OH, BRENDA.
- BUT HE LIKES ME.
LENNY LIKES ME.
SO, JOE, WHAT CAN
I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL,
BRENDA, I UNDERSTAND YOU HEARD
WHAT I SAID ON THE PHONE
TODAY AND I WANT TO EXPLAIN
WHAT I MEANT.
- OH,
PLEASE, JOE, IT'S OK.
I DON'T NEED YOU
FEELING SORRY FOR ME.
- HEY,
I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
- I FEEL SORRY FOR ME.
- HUH?
- YEAH,
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TO FIND
OUT YOU'VE HURT SOMEBODY
YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT?
- NO.
- IT'S NOTHING
PERSONAL, BRENDA.
IT'S JUST--WELL, IT'S
NOT GOOD FOR NEWLYWEDS
BE TOO NEAR FAMILY.
[INTERCOM BUZZER]
- HELLO?
- THIS IS CARLTON
THE DOORMAN CALLING.
- WHAT IS IT, CARLTON?
- IT'S ABOUT 9-E.
IF YOU WANT IT,
YOU GOTTA DECIDE FAST.
THE SUPER'S ON HIS WAY TO GET
A "FOR RENT" SIGN PAINTED NOW,
AND THERE'S ALREADY ANOTHER
COUPLE READY TO TAKE IT.
- A COUPLE?
BUT THE SIGN ISN'T
EVEN PAINTED YET.
WHAT COUPLE?
- THE SIGN PAINTER
AND HIS WIFE.
AND IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT,
SOMEONE ELSE WILL.
IT'S GONNA GO FAST.
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.
- CARLTON, THEY'RE NOT
TAKING THE APARTMENT.
WHOEVER GETS IT, GETS IT.
- THEN WOULD THEY BE
INTERESTED IN A '56 CHEVY?
HAS THE ORIGINAL TIRES.
- NO, CARLTON.
- LOOK, BRENDA, I JUST WANT
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND
WHY WE'RE NOT
GOING TO TAKE THE APARTMENT.
- I DON'T THINK I WANT
TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
- BUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU.
- OH,
JOE, I KNOW THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
A WHOLE NUMBER.
I DON'T WANNA PUT
YOU THROUGH THIS.
- OH, BRENDA.
BRENDA, BRENDA.
- WHAT?
- FIRST I WANNA GIVE
YOU A BIG HUG.
- WHAT'S THIS HUG FOR?
- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
- WOW, THEN YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THE APARTMENT?
- NO.
NO, EVEN THOUGH
IT SOUNDS GREAT.
LISTEN, BRENDA,
YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND.
RHODA WOULD BE RUNNING
DOWN TO YOUR PLACE
EVERY TIME
SHE HAD A PROBLEM.
YOU'D BE UP AT OUR PLACE
EVERY TIME YOU HAD A PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
DON'T YOU?
- YEAH, I DO.
AND I THINK YOU'RE BEING
REAL HONEST WITH ME
AND I APPRECIATE IT.
AND IF WE CAN BE THIS
HONEST WITH EACH OTHER,
THEN WHY NOT LIVE HERE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- LOOK,
JOE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU EVER
FEEL LIKE I'M BUGGING YOU,
YOU CAN JUST TELL ME
TO GET OUT.
- I CAN BE THAT
HONEST WITH YOU?
- SURE, I'M NOT
THAT THIN-SKINNED.
- OK.
- OK?
DOES THAT MEAN OK?
- YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
TAKE THE APARTMENT!
- HEY, HEY, HEY, NEIGHBOR!
- LET ME GO TELL CARLTON.
- CARLTON, THE DOORMAN.
- CARLTON, WE'LL TAKE IT!
- OH, GREAT!
I'LL GIVE IT A WASH
AND FILL UP THE TANK
WITH GAS FOR YOU.
- WAIT UNTIL
YOU SEE IT, JOE.
- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
- OH, YEAH.
- IT'S REALLY GORGEOUS.
- I CAN'T WAIT.
IT SOUNDS SO PERFECT,
LET'S GO IN.
- [SIGHS]
- LISTEN, UH...
A FEW PLANTS
SHOULD DO WONDERS.
- DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS?
- HEY,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
- MY WIFE, HURRICANE SHIRLEY.
I COME HOME THIS MORNING,
I FIND IT LIKE THIS.
SHE SAID SHE'S GOING TO COME
UP, TAKE A FEW THINGS OUT.
SHE TAKES MY FIREPLACE.
- A FEW THINGS, HUH?
- THE ONLY THING
SHE LEFT IS THE VIEW.
- SERVES ME RIGHT
FOR MARRYING AN ANGLO.
THEY'VE GOT SUCH HOT TEMPERS.
WELL, SHE TAKES EVERYTHING.
SHE TOOK MY UNIFORMS,
MY GUN...
MY BEST DRESS.
IF YOU THINK IT'S BAD HERE,
PLEASE, DON'T GO
IN THE BEDROOM.
- WHAT?
- DON'T GO--LISTEN TO ME
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
DON'T GO IN THE BEDROOM.
- THERE'S A FLOOD IN THERE!
- OH,
WHAT'S THAT BIG WHITE BLOB?
- SHE PUNCTURED MY WATERBED.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK.
- LOOK,
RHODA, IT'S GONNA BE OK.
I MEAN,
ALL IT NEEDS IS A FEW COATS
OF PAINT HERE, SOME
WALLPAPER THERE...A PUMP.
- WELL, I FINALLY
GOT MY BEDROOM.
SOME WOMEN GET
TO BUY A BEDSPREAD.
I GET TO START
MY OWN RICE PATTY.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- AAH!
- HEY, DON'T SHOOT,
I'M NOT A BURGLAR.
- IF YOU'RE NOT A BURGLAR,
WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU GOT TO
BREAK IN LIKE THAT?
- I'M JILL.
I'M A FRIEND OF JOE'S.
LOOK, I'M SORRY I SCARED YOU.
- SCARED ME?
I'M A NEW YORKER,
I'M SCARED OF EVERYTHING.
WHERE'D YOU GET A KEY?
- SAME PLACE YOU DID.
JOE GAVE IT TO ME.
- WELL,
JOE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KEY.
- THEN HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?
- I MARRIED MY WAY IN.
I'M RHODA MORGENSTERN GERARD,
WHICH REPLACES
JEAN-PIERRE AUMONT
AS MY FAVORITE NAME TO SAY.
- WELL,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
SO JOE GOT MARRIED.
- YEAH, YEAH, HE DID.
WHY?
ARE YOU SURPRISED?
- WELL, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
THE KIND OF GIRL
I EXPECTED JOE TO MARRY.
- OH, WHO'D YOU EXPECT?
- ME.
- OH, OH.
WELL, LISTEN, HOW LONG
DID YOU TWO GO TOGETHER?
- WELL, THREE MONTHS,
UNTIL I MOVED
TO SAN FRANCISCO.
- YOU MEAN, HE GAVE YOU
A KEY AFTER ONLY THREE MONTHS?
- WELL,
ACTUALLY, IT WAS ONE MONTH,
AND THEN THE KEY.
- EXCUSE ME, WHEN WAS THIS?
- LAST SUMMER.
- OH, WELL, THE SUMMER.
- WELL,
LISTEN, I MEAN, AS LONG AS
YOU'RE MARRIED
AND EVERYTHING,
THERE'S REALLY NO POINT
IN MY STICKING AROUND HERE,
SO WHY DON'T I JUST
GET MY STUFF AND SPLIT, HUH?
- NO,
WAIT, LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU
STICK AROUND, JILL?
I MEAN, HAVE A DRINK.
JOE WILL BE HOME SOON.
- WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
I MEAN,
WHY WOULD YOU WANT ONE
OF JOE'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS
TO STICK AROUND?
- I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE SOPHISTICATED.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
IT DIDN'T FEEL SO HOT.
BUT, LOOK, JILL,
WE ARE BOTH GROWN-UPS.
I HAPPEN TO BE A COUPLE OF
YEARS MORE GROWN UP THAN YOU.
BUT, PLEASE STAY, HUH?
- WELL, I WOULDN'T
MIND A DRINK.
- OK, GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I'D LOVE A VODKA
ON THE ROCKS.
- OK, VODKA.
OH, BOY, I'M SORRY, JILL,
WE SEEM TO BE OUT OF VODKA.
- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- AH.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE
THE FLOOR WAX IS?
- NO.
- I DO.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
OH, BOY, IT'S A GOOD THING
I STUCK AROUND, YOU KNOW,
I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN
MY PAINTING.
- OH,
THAT PAINTING IS YOURS?
- YEAH.
- OH.
HOW ABOUT THE FISH?
- THAT'S JOE'S.
- JOE'S? TOO BAD.
- HI, HONEY, I'M HOME.
- OR IN THIS CASE,
"HI, HONEYS, I'M HOME."
- HI, JOE.
SURPRISE.
- JILL!
JILL, HI!
HI, JILL.
- HEY YA, JOE.
- RHODA, DID YOU MEET JILL?
OF COURSE YOU DID.
THIS IS SORT
OF AWKWARD FOR ME.
- WHY?
- WELL, NO, ONLY KIDDING.
IT'S NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.
SO, JILL, DID YOU MEET RHODA?
- YEAH.
- OF COURSE YOU DID.
- CONGRATULATIONS, JOE.
I HOPE THE TWO OF YOU ARE
GOING TO BE VERY HAPPY.
- THANKS, JILL.
- BYE.
MY LIFE'S AMBITION IS TO WEAR
WHITE PANTS LIKE SHE HAD ON.
THAT WAS A 30-POUND GIRL
YOU HAD THERE, JOEY.
WHAT, DO YOU GO FOR
US SLIM CHICKS, HUH?
- WELL,
LOOK, THERE WAS A PERIOD
IN MY LIFE AFTER MY DIVORCE
WHEN I WAS SORT OF--
- YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I SORT OF EXPECTED IT.
I SUSPECTED SOMETHING.
I WAS GOING
THROUGH THE CHECKS.
IT SEEMED VERY STRANGE INDEED
THAT A PERSON WOULD HAVE
A CHARGE ACCOUNT
TO A LOCKSMITH.
- HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS DIDN'T
BOTHER YOU, DID IT? HUH?
- NO.
- HUH?
- NO,
REALLY NOT, JOE.
LISTEN, I FOUND OUT
WHERE YOU KEEP OUR VODKA.
AHH.
JOE, EVER THINK ABOUT
MOVING TO A BIGGER PLACE?
- OH, COME ON.
YOU'RE JUST BOTHERED
BY AN OLD GIRLFRIEND THERE.
- NO, I'M NOT.
I SWEAR.
THAT'S NOT JUST IT.
I MEAN,
IT DOES BOTHER ME A LITTLE,
I'LL ADMIT IT.
BECAUSE ACTUALLY
THIS PLACE--I DON'T KNOW--
DOESN'T FEEL LIKE
OUR PLACE.
IT FEELS LIKE YOUR PLACE.
A LITTLE LIKE HER PLACE.
- OH, RHODA,
LOOK, ASIDE FROM THE FACT
THAT WE DIDN'T MOVE
HERE YESTERDAY TOGETHER,
WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THIS PLACE?
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S NO BEDROOM.
- WE HAVE A BEDROOM.
WE JUST DON'T HAVE
ANY WALLS AROUND IT.
- JOE,
ALL MY LIFE I'VE WANTED
A SEPARATE BEDROOM. REALLY.
I MEAN,
THE LAST TIME I HAD A ROOM
OF MY OWN WAS WHEN
I WAS IN AN INCUBATOR.
- LOOK, RHODA, YOU
HAVE TO BE REALISTIC.
I MEAN TO SAY, IT'S
TOUGH ENOUGH TO GET
A GOOD APARTMENT.
IF WE EVER DID FIND ONE,
IT WOULD COST TWICE
AS MUCH AS THIS PLACE COSTS.
- BUT WHAT IF I
CAN FIND IT, HUH?
WHY DON'T I JUST TELL BRENDA,
A COUPLE OF OTHER PEOPLE,
TO KEEP THEIR EYES OPEN
FOR US? OK? WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WELL, IT WOULD HAVE
TO BE A FANTASTIC PLACE
TO GET ME
TO MOVE OUT OF HERE.
- JOE,
WHY SHOULD I HAVE ANY TROUBLE
FINDING US A FANTASTIC PLACE?
YOU SIMPLY OPEN THE PAPER
AND TURN TO FANTASTIC.
IT'S SIMPLE.
- WELL,
LOOK, WE CAN'T AFFORD MUCH MORE
THAN WE'RE PAYING RIGHT
NOW, YOU KNOW.
- HERE WE HAVE IT, JOE.
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP.
HUH?
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP,
THREE BEDROOMS.
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP,
FOUR BEDROOMS.
FANTASTIC AND CHEAP,
FIVE GIRLS.
- WHAT?
- OOPS.
- THAT'S A MASSAGE PARLOR.
FANTASTIC AND
CHEAP 12 BEDROOMS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA!
- YEAH!
- I THOUGHT YOU'D
NEVER GET HERE.
- I KNOW.
- MY LUNCH HOUR IS ALMOST OVER.
- I'M SORRY, BREN.
- RHO,
I GOT GREAT NEWS.
- YEAH.
- 9-E IS AVAILABLE.
- 9-E IS AVAILABLE.
WHAT IS THAT, AN APARTMENT?
HERE IN THIS BUILDING?
BRENDA, THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT'S IT LIKE?
- I HEAR IT'S GOT A HUGE
LIVING ROOM, OAK FLOORS,
A FANTASTIC BEDROOM,
A FIREPLACE,
A SUNKEN TUB, A TERRACE
WITH A VIEW OF THE CITY.
- IT'S TERRIFIC.
- GREAT.
WHEN ARE HUGH HEFFNER AND
THE BUNNIES MOVING OUT?
ARE YOU KIDDING, BREN?
I MEAN, WE CAN'T AFFORD
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- $310.
- HOW COME THERE'S
NO SIGN OUT IN FRONT?
- NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT.
CARLTON TIPPED ME OFF.
- WAIT,
WAS HE DRINKING AT THE TIME?
- YEAH.
- THEN IT MUST BE TRUE.
THAT WAS REALLY SWEET
OF CARLTON TO TELL YOU.
- OH, NOT SO SWEET.
HE WANTS A BRIBE.
- OH.
- BUT, RHO, YOU GOTTA TAKE
THIS APARTMENT.
- EASY,
NOW, BREN, WAIT.
I GOTTA SEE IT FIRST, RIGHT?
THEN I GOTTA SHOW IT TO JOE.
THEN JOE WILL WANT ME
TO LOOK AT OTHER PLACES.
- BUT, RHO, THERE'S NO TIME.
TOMORROW
THE "FOR RENT" SIGNS GO OUT.
IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE
A LAND RUSH AROUND HERE.
- OK, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WE BETTER
LOOK AT IT RIGHT AWAY.
- OH,
RHO, IT WOULD BE SO GREAT
TO HAVE YOU LIVING HERE.
I'VE REALLY BEEN DOWN IN
THE DUMPS SINCE YOU MOVED OUT.
- I COULD TELL.
I SAW THE EMPTY DING DONG
CARTONS IN YOUR GARBAGE.
- HELLO?
- HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- CARLTON, THIS IS BRENDA.
- AND THIS IS CARLTON.
- RIGHT.
CARLTON, LISTEN,
MY SISTER'S INTERESTED IN 9-E.
- OH,
IS SHE GONNA TAKE CARE OF ME?
- OK,
CARLTON, HOW MUCH YOU WANT?
- HOW MUCH YOU GOT?
- COME ON, COME ON,
NAME A FIGURE.
- $27,000.
TOO HIGH, HUH?
- CARLTON, LISTEN, HOW MUCH DO
YOU WANT JUST TO SHOW ME 9-E?
- WILL YOU BUY ME A BOTTLE?
- NO,
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A BUCK.
- OH, GOOD, THEN I CAN BUY
TWO BOTTLES.
[DOOR BUZZER]
[DOOR BUZZER]
- OH, HIYA. CARLTON
THE DOORMAN SENT US.
- OH, HE SAID TWO
FAR OUT CHICKS WAS COMING UP.
- WELL, UNTIL THEY
GET HERE, CAN WE LOOK AROUND?
- COME IN, COME IN.
- THANK YOU.
- [WHISTLES]
- MY NAME IS LUIS ALVAREZ.
- HI.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
BEAUTIFUL PERSON?
- UH, RHODA GERARD.
- I'M BEAUTIFUL
PERSON'S SISTER, BRENDA.
- WHATEVER.
- SO,
RHO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I THINK IT'S THE MOST
FANTASTIC APARTMENT
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
- LISTEN, DON'T LET CARLTON
HEAR YOU SAY THAT,
HE'LL CHARGE YOU MORE BRIBE.
- MORE?
FOR THIS CRUDDY DUMP?
- LISTEN, I DON'T
MEAN TO BE NOSY,
BUT WHY ARE YOU
MOVING OUT?
- MY LIFE AND I
IS GETTING A DIVORCE.
- OH,
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
- MMM. WELL. OH.
- YEAH.
- LISTEN, SWEETHEART,
CAN WE TALK?
- THAT'S ALL WE DO IS TALK.
- BUT THIS TIME I THINK
WE CAN WORK IT OUT.
- WELL, MAYBE TONIGHT.
NOW I'VE GOT TO GET GOING.
- ALL I'M ASKING IS
A LITTLE CONVERSATION--
A CHANCE TO
TALK WITH YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, HONEY.
- BOY,
AFTER TONIGHT YOU MAY NOT
BE LEAVING THIS
APARTMENT, HUH?
- OH, NO, I'VE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE.
IF MY WIFE FINDS OUT
ABOUT HER,
I'M GOING TO
BE IN BIG TROUBLE.
MY WIFE SAYS I'M CHEATING.
MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS I DON'T
SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH HER.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING--
THERE'S NO WAY TO PLEASE
A WOMAN, MAN.
SO, BEAUTIFUL PERSON...
BUSY TONIGHT?
- YES, VERY.
I'M MARRIED.
- THAT'S OK, SHE IS, TOO.
- YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I'M
WATCHING "ALL MY CHILDREN."
- ARE YOU A COP?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I JUST ASKED YOU
IF YOU'RE A COP.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I'M A COP?
I'M AN UNDERCOVER COP.
MY LIFE DEPENDS ON
NOBODY KNOWS I'M A COP.
- I CAN SEE THE SUNTAN MARK
FROM YOUR SHOULDER HOLSTER.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GLAD YOU TELL ME THIS.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE ONE OF MY BEST
DISGUISES IS I DRESS
LIKE A WOMAN.
I MUST MAKE A MENTAL NOTE.
FROM NOW ON,
NO MORE PEASANT BLOUSES.
AH, LISTEN, YOU GIRLS CAN STAY
HERE, LOOK AROUND IF YOU WANT.
I HAVE TO GO OUT ON DUTY.
- OH,
WHAT ARE YOU DISGUISED AS NOW?
- TONIGHT I'M DISGUISED AS
A GOOD-LOOKING PUERTO RICAN.
- WELL, THERE'S A MAN
WHO ENJOYS HIS WORK.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I LOVE MY WORK.
I LOVE MY WORK.
WHEN A POOR, DEPRIVED PERSON
LIKE ME WHO NEVER WENT
TO HIGH SCHOOL CAN GO OUT AND
ARREST SOME OF THE FINEST PEOPLE
IN THIS TOWN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE
IN A FANTASTIC COUNTRY.
AH, YOU LIKE MY PLACE?
- IT'S OK.
- DON'T STEAL NOTHING.
[FOOTSTEPS]
- IT'S INCREDIBLE!
- IT'S LOW RENT.
- I LOVE THIS PLACE.
- I HAVE TO HAVE IT!
- DID YOU SEE THAT
TERRACE IN THERE?
- OH, THE BEDROOM!
- THE BEAMS, RHO, THERE'S BEAMS.
- OH, IT'S GORGEOUS!
- I KNOW, I'M GOING
ON THE TERR--
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THIS PLACE.
- RHO,
YOU GOTTA TAKE THIS APARTMENT.
- I KNOW.
IF WE CAN GET IT.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT!
- IT'S GORGEOUS!
- I KNOW, I LOVE IT.
I JUST LOVE IT.
BUT JOE HAS GOT
TO LOVE IT, TOO.
I'LL MAKE HIM LOVE IT.
I'M GONNA CALL HIM RIGHT
NOW AND TELL HIM ABOUT IT.
- RHO,
CAN I LISTEN ON THE EXTENSION?
SO I WANNA HEAR HOW HAPPY
HE'LL BE WHEN YOU
TELL HIM ABOUT IT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- NEW YORK
WRECKING COMPANY, YEAH?
- HELLO, JOE, IT'S ME.
- OH, HI, BABE.
- YEAH. LISTEN, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
- LISTEN, CAN IT
WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT?
I'M JUST ON MY
WAY OUT TO A JOB.
- MAYBE IT CAN WAIT,
BUT I CAN'T.
IT'S SUCH GOOD NEWS, JOE.
I FOUND US A FANTASTIC
APARTMENT.
IT'S IN BRENDA'S BUILDING,
ON THE TOP FLOOR.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
IT HAS A SEPARATE BEDROOM,
A FIREPLACE--
- TELL HIM ABOUT THE
TERRACE, DON'T FORGET.
- YEAH, YEAH, A TERRACE.
A TERRACE, JOE.
WE CAN BARBECUE OUT THERE.
- BARBECUE IN NEW YORK?
YOU'D HAVE TO KEEP
VACUUMING THE MEAT.
- RHO, RHO,
TELL HIM HOW CHEAP IT IS.
- OH,
AND THE BEST OF ALL, JOE,
310 A MONTH.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?
- HEY, BABE, IT SOUNDS NICE,
EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.
I DON'T THINK IT'S SUCH
A GOOD IDEA TO LIVE
THAT CLOSE
TO YOUR SISTER.
- WE WON'T HAVE ANY PRIVACY.
- JOE. JOE.
- SHE'LL ALWAYS BE
DROPPING IN, YOU KNOW.
- LISTEN, YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
- NO,
NO, LISTEN, I MEAN IT.
NOW, LOOK,
I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER,
ALL RIGHT?
- OK.
BYE.
- BRENDA, I'M SO SORRY.
LISTEN, YOU KNOW THAT
JOE DIDN'T MEAN IT
THE WAY IT SOUNDED.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW JOE,
YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
- YEAH, HE MEANS HE DOESN'T
WANNA BE AROUND ME.
- NO!
NO, I'M SURE THAT'S
NOT WHAT HE MEANT.
HE MEANT TO SAY--
- RHO, RHO, LOOK,
LOOK, DO ME A FAVOR, PLEASE.
LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT IT AGAIN, OK?
BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND
EXACTLY HOW JOE FEELS.
- YOU DO?
HOW DOES HE FEEL?
- HE FEELS LIKE HE
DOESN'T WANNA LIVE NEAR ME.
AND I CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES I FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF.
- AH, BRENDA!
BRENDA, LISTEN...
- YOU REMEMBER TODAY
ON THE TELEPHONE
WHEN YOU SAID YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE
IN THE SAME
BUILDING AS BRENDA?
- UH-HUH.
- WELL, BRENDA WAS
LISTENING ON THE EXTENSION.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING
FUNNY ABOUT GREAT DAYS?
ONE ROTTEN MINUTE CAN KILL IT.
- JOE, I'M SORRY.
- MAYBE BRENDA THOUGHT
I WAS JUST KIDDING.
- I DON'T THINK SO.
NO. SHE HAS THIS
DATE TONIGHT.
- WELL, THEN SHE
CAN'T FEEL TOO BAD.
- OH, YES, SHE CAN.
SHE CALLED LENNY.
- LENNY?
- YEAH.
- IT'S THIS PATTERN
THAT BRENDA HAS.
WHENEVER SHE'S FEELING
INSECURE, OR DOWN,
OR DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING,
SHE DOES THE SAME THING.
SHE DATES LENNY.
- WELL, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH LENNY?
- OH,
A GREAT DEAL.
A LOT.
BUT LENNY HAS ONE
GOOD POINT, OLD LEN,
YEAH, WHEN YOU CALL HIM UP
AND SAY, "COME ON OVER,"
BY THE TIME YOU SAY
"OVER," HE'S OVER.
- I GOTTA TALK TO BRENDA.
- WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA SAY, JOE?
- I HOPE SOMETHING
WILL COME TO ME.
NOTHING'S COMING.
I BETTER GO SEE HER.
- LISTEN, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- NO. I APPRECIATE THE OFFER,
BUT IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
- WHAT?
WELL, YOU'RE SAYING THAT
JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- HOW DO YOU FIGURE
IT'S YOUR FAULT?
- REMEMBER WHEN YOU
CALLED ME ON THE PHONE?
- YEAH.
- AND I PICKED IT UP
TO ANSWER IT?
- YEAH.
- I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE DONE THAT.
- BOY,
BRENDA, YOU'RE THE MOST
FANTASTIC GIRL I KNOW.
YOU REALLY ARE
ONE GREAT CHICK.
- YEAH, YEAH.
CONVINCE ME.
WHY AM I SO GREAT?
- WHY?
BECAUSE YOUR TOES ARE GREAT.
- BUT WHAT ELSE?
WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT
ME BESIDES MY TOES?
- WELL, YOU'RE SMART,
AND YOU REALLY HELP ME
WITH MY PROBLEMS.
- YEAH.
EXCEPT YOU STILL HAVEN'T
PASSED YOUR CPA EXAM.
I MEAN,
HOW LONG CAN IT GO ON?
EVERY SIX MONTHS YOU
TAKE THAT TEST AND FAIL.
- I KNOW.
I'VE TAKEN THAT TEST SO
MANY TIMES THEY GAVE ME
A PARKING SPACE.
- LOOK,
NEXT TIME YOU'LL PASS
THE TEST, I'M SURE.
- SURE, I WILL.
I'M REALLY GONNA
STUDY THIS TIME.
- WELL, GOOD.
WHEN'S THE TEST?
- TOMORROW MORNING.
- TOMORROW MORNING?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE STUDYING NOW?
- MAYBE I SHOULD, BUT
I'D RATHER BE WITH YOU.
- YOU REALLY THINK I'M
TERRIFIC, DON'T YOU?
- OF COURSE I DO.
YOU ARE TERRIFIC.
- YOU'RE WEIRD, LENNY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WOULD YOU?
I'D GET IT MYSELF,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO WALK
ON THESE GREAT TOES.
- HI.
- HI.
BYE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
- HE'S SHY.
- OH, BRENDA.
- BUT HE LIKES ME.
LENNY LIKES ME.
SO, JOE, WHAT CAN
I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL,
BRENDA, I UNDERSTAND YOU HEARD
WHAT I SAID ON THE PHONE
TODAY AND I WANT TO EXPLAIN
WHAT I MEANT.
- OH,
PLEASE, JOE, IT'S OK.
I DON'T NEED YOU
FEELING SORRY FOR ME.
- HEY,
I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
- I FEEL SORRY FOR ME.
- HUH?
- YEAH,
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TO FIND
OUT YOU'VE HURT SOMEBODY
YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT?
- NO.
- IT'S NOTHING
PERSONAL, BRENDA.
IT'S JUST--WELL, IT'S
NOT GOOD FOR NEWLYWEDS
BE TOO NEAR FAMILY.
[INTERCOM BUZZER]
- HELLO?
- THIS IS CARLTON
THE DOORMAN CALLING.
- WHAT IS IT, CARLTON?
- IT'S ABOUT 9-E.
IF YOU WANT IT,
YOU GOTTA DECIDE FAST.
THE SUPER'S ON HIS WAY TO GET
A "FOR RENT" SIGN PAINTED NOW,
AND THERE'S ALREADY ANOTHER
COUPLE READY TO TAKE IT.
- A COUPLE?
BUT THE SIGN ISN'T
EVEN PAINTED YET.
WHAT COUPLE?
- THE SIGN PAINTER
AND HIS WIFE.
AND IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT,
SOMEONE ELSE WILL.
IT'S GONNA GO FAST.
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.
- CARLTON, THEY'RE NOT
TAKING THE APARTMENT.
WHOEVER GETS IT, GETS IT.
- THEN WOULD THEY BE
INTERESTED IN A '56 CHEVY?
HAS THE ORIGINAL TIRES.
- NO, CARLTON.
- LOOK, BRENDA, I JUST WANT
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND
WHY WE'RE NOT
GOING TO TAKE THE APARTMENT.
- I DON'T THINK I WANT
TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
- BUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU.
- OH,
JOE, I KNOW THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
A WHOLE NUMBER.
I DON'T WANNA PUT
YOU THROUGH THIS.
- OH, BRENDA.
BRENDA, BRENDA.
- WHAT?
- FIRST I WANNA GIVE
YOU A BIG HUG.
- WHAT'S THIS HUG FOR?
- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
- WOW, THEN YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THE APARTMENT?
- NO.
NO, EVEN THOUGH
IT SOUNDS GREAT.
LISTEN, BRENDA,
YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND.
RHODA WOULD BE RUNNING
DOWN TO YOUR PLACE
EVERY TIME
SHE HAD A PROBLEM.
YOU'D BE UP AT OUR PLACE
EVERY TIME YOU HAD A PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
DON'T YOU?
- YEAH, I DO.
AND I THINK YOU'RE BEING
REAL HONEST WITH ME
AND I APPRECIATE IT.
AND IF WE CAN BE THIS
HONEST WITH EACH OTHER,
THEN WHY NOT LIVE HERE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- LOOK,
JOE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU EVER
FEEL LIKE I'M BUGGING YOU,
YOU CAN JUST TELL ME
TO GET OUT.
- I CAN BE THAT
HONEST WITH YOU?
- SURE, I'M NOT
THAT THIN-SKINNED.
- OK.
- OK?
DOES THAT MEAN OK?
- YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
TAKE THE APARTMENT!
- HEY, HEY, HEY, NEIGHBOR!
- LET ME GO TELL CARLTON.
- CARLTON, THE DOORMAN.
- CARLTON, WE'LL TAKE IT!
- OH, GREAT!
I'LL GIVE IT A WASH
AND FILL UP THE TANK
WITH GAS FOR YOU.
- WAIT UNTIL
YOU SEE IT, JOE.
- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
- OH, YEAH.
- IT'S REALLY GORGEOUS.
- I CAN'T WAIT.
IT SOUNDS SO PERFECT,
LET'S GO IN.
- [SIGHS]
- LISTEN, UH...
A FEW PLANTS
SHOULD DO WONDERS.
- DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS?
- HEY,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
- MY WIFE, HURRICANE SHIRLEY.
I COME HOME THIS MORNING,
I FIND IT LIKE THIS.
SHE SAID SHE'S GOING TO COME
UP, TAKE A FEW THINGS OUT.
SHE TAKES MY FIREPLACE.
- A FEW THINGS, HUH?
- THE ONLY THING
SHE LEFT IS THE VIEW.
- SERVES ME RIGHT
FOR MARRYING AN ANGLO.
THEY'VE GOT SUCH HOT TEMPERS.
WELL, SHE TAKES EVERYTHING.
SHE TOOK MY UNIFORMS,
MY GUN...
MY BEST DRESS.
IF YOU THINK IT'S BAD HERE,
PLEASE, DON'T GO
IN THE BEDROOM.
- WHAT?
- DON'T GO--LISTEN TO ME
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
DON'T GO IN THE BEDROOM.
- THERE'S A FLOOD IN THERE!
- OH,
WHAT'S THAT BIG WHITE BLOB?
- SHE PUNCTURED MY WATERBED.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK.
- LOOK,
RHODA, IT'S GONNA BE OK.
I MEAN,
ALL IT NEEDS IS A FEW COATS
OF PAINT HERE, SOME
WALLPAPER THERE...A PUMP.
- WELL, I FINALLY
GOT MY BEDROOM.
SOME WOMEN GET
TO BUY A BEDSPREAD.
I GET TO START
MY OWN RICE PATTY.