Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Honeymoon - full transcript
It's the day after Rhoda and Joe's wedding. Brenda has just started dating the wedding accordionist, Nick Lobo. Rhoda and Joe are at home, they who have decided to have a stay at home honeymoon. So they are surprised when they learn that in addition to paying for the wedding, Rhoda's parents are giving them passage on a ten day Caribbean cruise for their honeymoon. After initially declining the gift, Rhoda and Joe are convinced to accept, if only because they figure what they can do at home - wink, wink - they can do on the cruise. However, the cruise is nothing that they expect. In addition to the cramped quarters which includes separate bunks for beds, they are the only passengers on board who are under seventy years of age. Can Rhoda and Joe make the best of a bad situation on board?
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- HELLO.
- HI.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP.
- OH,
YES, YOU DID.
- YEAH, I DID.
- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I WAS ALREADY AWAKE.
- THEN HOW COME YOUR
EYES WERE CLOSED?
- I WAS JUST THINKING BACK
TO ALL THE NICE THINGS
THAT HAPPENED.
- LIKE WHAT?
- OH,
LIKE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
- I REMEMBER IT WELL.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOE?
- WHAT?
- HERE WE ARE, ONE DAY
MARRIED, NOTHING'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, WELL, ONE
THING'S DIFFERENT.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
THERE'S A STOMACH MUSCLE
THAT'S RELAXED.
- YOU KNOW, OH, I'M REALLY
GLAD WE DIDN'T GO AWAY
FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
- OH,
YEAH, ME, TOO.
- I FIGURE, IF WE WOULD HAVE
GONE SOMEWHERE, WE'D JUST BE
GETTING THERE NOW.
AND THE VIEW WOULD BE
JUST THE SAME ANYWAY, RIGHT?
HEY, YOU'RE NOT SORRY WE
DIDN'T GO SOMEWHERE, ARE YOU?
LIKE A RESORT
HOTEL OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, NO. UH-UH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?
- WHAT?
- WHERE YOU PACK A LOT OF
HEAVY SWEATERS, YOU JUMP
IN THE CAR, YOU DRIVE UP TO
NEW ENGLAND, JUST WHEN THE
LEAVES ARE STARTING TO TURN,
FIRST FROST IN THE AIR,
YOU RENT A CABIN IN THE WOODS,
SET A ROARING FIRE, AND THEN
YOU LIE IN FRONT OF IT
WITH A GLASS OF WINE.
- GEE,
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
- NEITHER HAVE I.
BUT IT SOUNDED GOOD,
DIDN'T IT?
DO YOU WANT ME TO
FIX YOU BREAKFAST?
- NAH!
- EVER?
HELLO, HAPPINESS.
AHH. OH, JOE.
- YEAH?
- ISN'T IT NICE TO KNOW THAT
AS HAPPY AS WE ARE TODAY,
THERE'S SOMEONE
WHO'S EVEN HAPPIER?
MY MOTHER.
- OH,
YEAH, SHE SURE WAS
HAPPY YESTERDAY.
SAY, WHAT WAS SHE HOLLERING
TO US WHEN WE DROVE AWAY?
- OH, WHO KNOWS?
PROBABLY SOME FINAL WORDS OF
WISDOM, LIKE "BE SURE TO HAVE
A HOT MEAL FIRST."
- HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S TRY NEVER TO
DO ANYTHING ROUTINE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I MEAN,
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MARRIED
LET'S NOT JUMP OUT OF BED
AT THE LAST MINUTE AND GRAB
COFFEE, AND,
I DON'T KNOW, RUN.
LET'S DO THIS EVERYDAY.
OK?
- OK, YEAH...
EXCEPT, JOE, WE MIGHT NOT
ALWAYS BE AWAKE LIKE THIS
AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
- YES, CARLTON?
- YES. THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
I THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU,
YOUR SISTER, YOU KNOW, THE ONE
WHO'S BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT?
WELL, SHE FINALLY GOT HOME.
SHE'S ON HER WAY UP.
- CARLTON, I HATE
TO SPOIL YOUR GOSSIP,
BUT SHE GOT
MARRIED YESTERDAY.
SHE DOESN'T
LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
- OH. THEN
I GUESS MY HOTTEST ITEM
IS THAT THEY'RE
HIDING A PUPPY IN 5-E.
- HI, BRENDA.
- HEY, HEY, HEY!
IT'S MRS. GERARD.
- YES, IT IS.
- MRS. GERARD.
- YEAH.
- I BET IT FEELS FUNNY HEARING
THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
- WHAT FIRST TIME?
MA KEPT INTRODUCING ME
LIKE THAT ALL LAST NIGHT.
"THIS IS MRS. GERARD,
THANK GOD."
- HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
SO EARLY THE MORNING
AFTER YOUR WEDDING?
EVEN I'M EXHAUSTED.
- THE THING IS
WE LEFT AT 7:00.
HOW LATE DID YOU STAY?
- OH,
WE LEFT A LOT LATER.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
- SO TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT
HAPPENED AFTER WE LEFT.
- OH. EVERYBODY SAID
YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
AND EVERYBODY SAID
I LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
- YOU DID. YES.
- POP HAD A FEW DRINKS
AND ASKED PEOPLE TO GUESS
WHAT THE WEDDING COST.
- NO.
- AND MA HAD A FEW
DRINKS AND TOLD THEM.
- YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
OH, MY!
- YOU KNOW, THE LAST THING
I REMEMBER WAS ALL OUR AUNTS
WALKING INTO THE SUNRISE,
EACH ONE CARRYING
A CENTERPIECE.
- PERFECT WEDDING.
JUST TERRIFIC, REALLY.
- EVEN NICK SAID SO, AND
HE'S BEEN TO A LOT OF THEM.
- NICK? WHO IS THAT?
- THE ACCORDION PLAYER,
NICK LOBO.
- OH, YEAH.
- DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER GOT
INVOLVED WITH ANYONE SO FAST
IN MY LIFE.
- HOW INVOLVED DID YOU GET?
- WELL,
I CAN ALMOST PLAY
"LADY OF SPAIN."
HEY, DO YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- NO,
BRENDA, LISTEN, I JUST CAME BY
TO GET THESE WEDDING GIFTS OUT
OF YOUR WAY AND TO RETURN
YOUR KEY TO YOU.
- OH,
MA'S BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU.
SHE CALLED ME BECAUSE SHE
DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU
ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.
- YEAH,
SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO KNOW
IF I FAINTED.
WELL, I'LL TALK TO HER LATER.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
UNLESS THIS IS HER, IN WHICH
CASE I'LL TALK TO HER NOW.
HELLO?
YEAH, YEAH, IT'S ME.
NO, MA, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THE MARRIAGE.
I JUST DROPPED BY
TO SEE BRENDA.
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
MARRIED LIFE SEEMS TO AGREE
WITH ME SO FAR.
YEAH.
MA, I KNOW THERE'S MORE
TO IT THAN JUST THAT.
LISTEN, I'M PRESSED
FOR TIME HERE.
COULD YOU TELL
ME WHAT YOU WANT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
A WEDDING GIFT?
YOU ALREADY GAVE US
A WEDDING GIFT.
THE WEDDING.
FUNNY, I NEVER THOUGHT
OF THAT AS MY GIFT TO YOU.
YEAH, YEAH, OK.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, MA.
TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN COME OVER
AFTER DINNER, I SUPPOSE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TIME WE'LL FINISH.
GOOD THINKING, MA, IF YOU COME
OVER BEFORE DINNER, THAT MEANS
YOU'LL FINISH WITH US. YES.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:30.
THE CHAMP.
- JOE, I KNOW,
I KNOW SOMEONE
GAVE US WINE GLASSES.
NOW, THEY'VE GOTTA
BE HERE SOMEPLACE.
- HEY,
WHO GAVE US THE FONDUE SET?
- WHO DIDN'T?
JOE, I GOTTA TELL YOU, YOU'RE
BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT NOT TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FOLKS
COMING OVER TONIGHT.
- OH, IT'S OK.
AFTER ALL, WE'VE BEEN
MARRIED A WHOLE DAY.
I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU
CAN MISS YOUR MOTHER.
- VERY FUNNY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- OH, RHODA.
- HI.
- AH, TELL ME, ANY NEWS
YET FROM THE STORK?
- MA,
THERE'S ONLY ONE
HEARTBEAT IN HERE, MINE.
- HI, JOE.
I NOTICED WHEN
WE CAME IN, YOU JUST
HAVE MR. JOE GERARD
ON THE MAILBOX.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET SOME NEW
CARDS THAT ALSO INCLUDE
YOUR FRONT DOOR.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LATER, JOE, SHE'LL CHECK THE
NAME TAGS ON YOUR UNDERWEAR.
- WEDDING DRESS.
- AH. MA, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO GET THAT BRONZED?
COME ON. DO YOU?
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
IT'S REALLY--
IT'S GREAT THAT
YOU'RE BOTH HERE.
- WELL, I'M SURE YOU MEAN THAT,
JOE, AND WE'LL GET OUT OF HERE
AS SOON AS WE CAN.
- OH,
COME ON, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
CAN I FIX ANYBODY A DRINK?
- IDA,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- UH, NO THANKS.
DULLS THE TASTE BUDS.
- AH,
MA, WHAT WE'RE HAVING
FOR DINNER, YOU DON'T
WANT TASTE BUDS.
- OH,
YEAH, WELL, WHAT SPECIALTY DID
YOU MAKE FOR YOUR
HUBBY'S FIRST DINNER?
- WELL, HUBBY WAS LATE.
I GOT TIED UP.
SO I STOPPED AT CHICKEN
DANDY AND GOT A BARREL
OF ASSORTED PARTS.
- WHICH PARTS?
- I GOT TWO OF EVERYTHING.
- SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
WE'LL GET SOME TOOTHPICKS,
BUILD OUR OWN CHICKEN.
- I SUPPOSE YOU TOLD
JOE WHY WE'RE HERE.
- YEAH,
AND, IDA, IT'S SWEET OF YOU,
BUT YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE
TO GET US A WEDDING GIFT.
- OH,
JOE, THIS IS SOMETHING WE'VE
BEEN WANTING TO DO
FOR A LONG TIME.
- A VERY LONG TIME.
AN INCREDIBLY LONG TIME.
- WELL,
RHODA PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW
THIS, BUT WHEN SHE WAS
A LITTLE GIRL, EVER SINCE THEN,
WE'VE BEEN PUTTING A LITTLE
SOMETHING AWAY EACH MONTH
TO BUY HER A WEDDING GIFT.
- YEAH, IF SHE'D GOTTEN
MARRIED AT A NORMAL TIME,
SHE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN JUST
A NICE ORDINARY GIFT, BUT NOW--
- NOW,
WAIT, HERE COMES THE MAIN
EVENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
RHODA AND JOE, SOMETHING TO
BOTH OF YOU FROM BOTH OF US.
- TADA!
- AH,
THAT'S SO SWEET, ISN'T IT?
- THANK YOU, BOTH, HONESTLY.
- THANK YOU.
- AH, JUST WHAT I
WANTED--NOT A FONDUE SET!
- COME ON, OPEN IT UP.
THE TOP COMES OFF, HONEY.
- I CAN'T GET IT.
THERE WE GO.
- THAT'S YOUR HONEYMOON.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK,
TWO TICKETS FOR A CRUISE.
- 10 DAYS TO THE CARIBBEAN.
- YEAH.
FIVE DAYS EACH WAY.
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT WE
DID ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY.
- TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
THINK ABOUT IT, HUH?
- THE CRUISE, MA?
- YEAH.
- I THINK IT'S
THE LOVELIEST THOUGHT.
REALLY, WE BOTH
APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT, JOE?
- OH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL.
- WE REALLY DO.
THANK YOU.
BUT I GOTTA BE HONEST, WE WERE
PLANNING SORT OF A DIFFERENT
KIND A HONEYMOON--ONE
WHERE WE COULD JUST BE ALONE.
YOU KNOW, THE TWO OF US.
- WELL, I MEAN,
WHAT BETTER PLACE TO BE ALONE,
ON AN OCEAN?
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO
COME OUT OF YOUR CABIN.
- YEAH, I GUESS, MAYBE.
- YEAH. NO,
IT SOUNDS GREAT, BABE.
- YEAH?
- YEAH, MOONLIT NIGHTS AT SEA.
YOU KNOW, FRESH AIR, SUNSHINE.
- OH, LISTEN, RHODA, YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE THIS CRUISE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE LOVED
IT SO MUCH WE TOOK IT AGAIN
LAST YEAR ON OUR
35th ANNIVERSARY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BALL.
I MEAN, THE FOOD
IS SIMPLY GREAT.
- OH, WONDERFUL.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.
- AND THE PEOPLE
ARE WONDERFUL.
I MEAN, THEY'RE REALLY
WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
- WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
- REAL HIP PEOPLE, JUST LIKE US.
[HORN BLOWING]
- WELL, SO...
SO THIS IS IT?
- WELL,
I KIND OF THOUGHT RHODA
AND JOE WOULD BE HERE BY NOW.
- NO, IF THEY WERE HERE,
WE WOULD SEE THEM.
GEE, I HOPE THE KIDS
ARE GONNA LIKE IT, IDA.
- OH,
LISTEN, THEY'RE IN LOVE.
THEY'LL LIKE ANYTHING.
- LOOK WHO'S HERE, BRENDA!
- HEY.
- WHO ARE YOU?
- MA,
POP, THIS IS NICK LOBO.
NICK, MY FOLKS.
- HEY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THE ACCORDION PLAYER
FROM RHODA'S WEDDING HERE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- DIDN'T WE PAY YOU?
MARTIN, PAY HIM.
- MA, HE'S MY DATE.
- OH, A MUSICIAN.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- AND WHAT DO YOU
DO FOR A LIVING?
- WHEN'S RHODA GETTING HERE?
- WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW.
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE
DISAPPOINTED, BRENDA?
I MEAN, MAYBE SHE WAS
EXPECTING MORE, HUH?
- WELL,
THERE'S AN EASY WAY
TO FIND OUT.
WHENEVER SHE'S TRYING TO HIDE
SOMETHING, SHE ALWAYS COVERS
HER MOUTH AND
TALKS THROUGH HER HAND.
IT'S A NERVOUS THING SHE DOES.
EVERYBODY IN OUR FAMILY
HAS A NERVOUS THING THEY DO.
- HEY, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, MAMA.
SHE'LL LIKE IT.
- MAMA?
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME MAMA?
- HEY, ALL MAMAS
ARE ALIKE, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME
CALLING YOU MAMA?
- I DIDN'T GIVE
BIRTH TO YOU.
- GOOD POINT,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- AND DON'T BEND OVER
WHEN YOU TALK TO ME.
- GOOD-BYE.
- I'M GLAD YOU
TWO HIT IT OFF.
- WELL!
- THE NEWLYWEDS!
HERE THEY ARE!
- WHAT DID I TELL YA? HUH?
- HI.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- ISN'T THIS SOMETHING? HUH?
- SOMETHING WONDERFUL.
- NICE. NICE.
- YEAH, IT'S
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
- DID YOU CATCH IT, MA?
- OK, OK.
LISTEN.
IT MAY SEEM A LITTLE SMALL
NOW, BUT WHEN WE LEAVE,
IT GETS LARGER.
- LISTEN, RELAX,
DON'T YOU WORRY.
A HONEYMOON DOESN'T
TAKE UP THAT MUCH ROOM.
- HEY,
SON OF A GUN, YOU'RE GOING
ON YOUR HONEYMOON, EH?
HEY!
- WHO ARE YOU?
- HEY,
JOE, THAT'S NICK.
NICK LOBO FROM THE
WEDDING, WAS THE ACCORDION
PLAYER, REMEMBER?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YOU WERE VERY NIMBLE.
- YEAH,
YEAH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
WATCHING MY
LEFT HAND, HUH?
- I'M WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW.
- HEY.
- HEY.
- WELL, WHERE'S
THE PORTHOLE, MA?
- THERE'S NO PORTHOLE?
- WHO NEEDS A PORTHOLE?
- YEAH,
ESPECIALLY BELOW
THE WATER LINE.
- WHAT, POP?
- LISTEN, LET'S
OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE,
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- YES, YES.
- YEAH,
WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?
JOE AND I ARE JUST GONNA
STEP IN HERE FOR A MINUTE.
THAT WAY THE CORK WILL
HAVE ROOM TO COME OUT.
[HORN BLOWING]
JOE, LISTEN, YOU
GOTTA HELP ME.
WE MUST THINK OF A KIND,
UNDERSTANDING, SENSITIVE WAY
TO TELL MY MOTHER
I'M GONNA JUMP SHIP.
- HEY,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
- JOE,
IT'S TERRIBLE.
DID YOU SEE THOSE BUNKS?
THEY'RE LIKE TWIN
TORPEDO TUBES.
EVEN THAT FLOOR
ISN'T KING SIZED.
- HEY,
ONCE WE'RE OUT AT SEA,
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
I MEAN,
HOW MUCH TIME WE GONNA SPEND
IN THAT ROOM ANYWAY?
- IT'S OUR HONEYMOON.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- CAN YOU IMAGINE 10 DAYS
COOPED UP IN THIS PLACE?
AH!
- JOE?
- WHAT?
- ARE WE STANDING IN THE
SHOWER OR DOES THE CLOSET
HAVE A DRAIN?
- OH,
NO, NO, THIS IS A COMBINATION
BATHROOM, CLOSET, AND WET BAR.
- WHERE AM I GONNA
DRY MY PANTYHOSE?
I'LL HAVE TO RUN THEM
UP WITH THE FLAG.
- COME ON, YOU TWO,
THE CHAMPAGNE IS GETTING WARM.
- HEY,
COME ON, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A GREAT TRIP.
- JOE,
YOU'RE SO GOOD.
MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER
AGAIN AFTER THE HONEYMOON.
- WELL,
LET'S GRAB A GLASS
AND HAVE A DRINK HERE.
THAT'S IT.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT?
HERE'S A TOAST.
HERE'S TO A GREAT CRUISE.
HUH? THERE YOU ARE.
RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT]
A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL PARTING.
- RIGHT.
- MAMA.
- JOE,
WE'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE
ON THE ENTIRE SHIP UNDER 70.
- YEAH,
IT'S LIKE SUN CITY
WITH LIFE PRESERVERS.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK!
- WHAT?
- THE OCEAN.
I KNEW IT WAS OUT
THERE SOMEPLACE.
- HEY,
WHAT DO YOU SAY, KID, DO YOU
WANT TO SHAKE
A LEG, HUH?
- YEAH, MAYBE IT'LL BRING
MY CIRCULATION BACK.
- AH,
IT WON'T BE SO BAD IF WE JUST
USE THE CABIN TO SLEEP IN.
- YEAH, OK.
TONIGHT'LL BE YOUR TURN.
- IT'S A GREAT WAY
TO START A MARRIAGE.
AFTER 10 NIGHTS IN THERE,
THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING WE DON'T
KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- THIS IS TRUE.
- OK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S TIME TO CHANGE PARTNERS!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
- OH, YEAH, CERTAINLY.
- I'LL TRY TO BRING HER
BACK IN GOOD CONDITION.
- I'D APPRECIATE THAT,
I JUST GOT HER.
UM...I GUESS IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME, PARTNER.
- JOE, YOU BEHAVE
YOURSELF, YOU HEAR?
- NOW, YOU LET ME
KNOW WHEN YOU GET TIRED.
- BY THE WAY,
MY NAME IS FOSNER.
- HI, I'M RHODA MORGENSTERN--
UH, RHODA GERARD.
JUST AN OLD REFLEX.
- YOU PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD?
- NO, I DON'T.
- OH,
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TEACH YOU,
TOMORROW AFTERNOON,
RIGHT AFTER YOUR NAP.
- NAP?
FINE, I'LL BE SURE
TO SET THE ALARM.
[APPLAUSE]
- OH,
DO YOU SUPPOSE MY MOTHER
PLANNED THIS SO NOBODY
WOULD LOOK BETTER THAN ME
ON MY HONEYMOON?
- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
SIT THIS ONE OUT, HUH?
- YEAH,
I WANNA SAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR SHUFFLEBOARD.
- TABLE 14.
- YEAH.
- OH,
THERE IT IS, JOE.
- OH.
- GEE, I WONDER IF HE'S
HERE WITH SOMEBODY.
- I WONDER IF HE'S HERE.
- ARE WE IN PUERTO RICO YET?
- NO, AFRAID NOT.
- OH.
- HI.
- HI.
- BOY, THAT DANCING
REALLY KNOCKS IT OUT OF YOU,
DOESN'T IT?
- I CAN'T KEEP GETTING
EXHAUSTED LIKE THIS.
- WHY NOT?
IT'S A VACATION. YOU
SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN.
- THIS ISN'T A VACATION.
THIS IS THE HARDEST
JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
I'M THE DOCTOR OF THE SHIP.
- HE SEEMS TO BE OK.
- WHEN I SEE SOMEBODY
SLEEPING AROUND HERE,
I THINK THEY'RE POST.
IT'S OK. A LITTLE SLOW,
BUT HE'S STILL SLEEPING.
- ATTENTION, ATTENTION,
DR. DERWIN, DR. DERWIN,
YOU'RE WANTED
ON "D" DECK, CABIN THREE,
AND "A" DECK, CABIN SIX,
AND COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY?
- I OUGHT TO PAINT A RED
CROSS ON THE SIDE OF THIS TUB.
- IF WE'RE GONNA GET SICK,
WE BETTER DO IT IN A HURRY.
THAT DOCTOR DOESN'T
LOOK TOO FRISKY.
- WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, MY LITTLE
DANCING PARTNER.
- HI, MR. FOSNER.
HOW NICE, YOU'RE
SITTING WITH US.
- MRS. FOSNER.
- ARE YOU CELEBRATING
AN ANNIVERSARY?
THEY DO BIG THINGS ABOUT
ANNIVERSARIES ABOARD SHIP.
- OH, NO, NO.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
ON YOUR HONEYMOON?
- YEAH,
WE ARE MR. AND MRS. FOSNER,
BUT WE'D REALLY LIKE
TO KEEP IT QUIET.
[DRUM ROLL]
- HEY, GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GERITOL!
HEY!
AND WITH THIS GROUP,
THERE MUST BE PLENTY OF IT.
ONLY KIDDING,
ONLY KIDDING, HEY!
HOW YA DOING? NICE
TO SEE YOU UP AND AROUND.
I WANNA GIVE
A SPECIAL WELCOME
TO THE TRI-STATE
SENIOR CITIZENS ASSOCIATION
WHO ARE WITH US FOR
THEIR ANNUAL GET-TOGETHER
HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S MARVELOUS.
WITH THIS GROUP,
A GET-TOGETHER IS IF THEY CAN
WALK TOWARD EACH OTHER.
HEY!
HEY! ONLY KIDDING.
WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH, OH.
A LITTLE DUCK TOLD ME
THE SECRET WORD TONIGHT
IS "HONEYMOON."
JOE AND RHODA GERARD,
WHERE ARE YOU, KIDS?
- WHO TOLD HIM?
- I THINK THAT LITTLE
DUCK WAS MY MOTHER.
- WAIT A MINUTE, I SEE THEM.
I SEE THEM.
SPOTLIGHT ON TABLE 14, PLEASE.
[DRUM ROLL]
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
JOE AND RHODA GERARD.
SO YOU KIDS ARE
ON YOUR HONEYMOON.
ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN MARRIED?
- A WEEK.
- ABOUT A WEEK.
GOOD MEMORY, JOE, HEY!
RHODA!
- I'VE BEEN MARRIED
ABOUT A WEEK ALSO.
- A WEEK--OHH!
HEY, BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS,
AS IS OUR CUSTOM HERE ABOARD
SHIP, JOE AND RHODA ARE GONNA
DANCE THEIR VERY FIRST
DANCE ALONE.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
HEY!
LET'S GIVE THEM A LITTLE
ENCOURAGEMENT HERE.
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.
OH, COME ON, HONEY,
YOU GOTTA.
OH, COME ON.
IF YOU WANT ENCOURAGEMENT,
I CAN ENCOURAGE
YOU ALL NIGHT.
- OK, WE'LL DO IT.
- OK,
THEY'RE GONNA DO IT, FOLKS.
THEY'RE GONNA DO IT.
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
MAESTRO, IF YOU PLEASE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- ♪ OH,
HOW WE DANCED ON THE NIGHT ♪
♪ WE WERE WED ♪
♪ I NEEDED A WIFE ♪
♪ LIKE A HOLE IN MY HEAD ♪
- BOY,
THIS IS GONNA BE SOME TRIP.
HE TOUCHED ME.
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALTZ
ME SLOWLY TOWARD THE EXIT?
- GOOD IDEA.
- [HUMMING]
ANY LAST WORDS, KIDS?
- I PRAY YOUR CORD
DOESN'T REACH TO OUR CABIN.
[HUMMING]
ONLY KIDDING.
[APPLAUSE AND HUMMING]
- CAN YOU BELIEVE, THE FIRST
STOP ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE
IS BALTIMORE?
- I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY
TO SEE BALTIMORE IN MY LIFE.
- JOE,
DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE
TOMORROW'S SCHEDULE OF
ACTIVITIES FOR THE BOAT?
- NO.
- OH,
IT'S GONNA BE A HEAVY DAY.
THEY'RE HAVING
A POLIGRIP SEMINAR.
LATER, AN AMATEUR
LIMBO CONTEST.
YEAH. THAT OUGHTA KEEP
THAT DOCTOR BUSY.
[HORN BLOWING]
- OH, I THINK
THEY'RE CALLING US.
- YEAH, I HEARD 'EM. RIGHT.
- I GUESS WE BETTER BE
GETTING BACK ON BOARD.
- I SUPPOSE SO, YOU WOULDN'T
WANNA MISS THE BOAT.
- NOPE, SURE WOULDN'T.
- NO.
[HORN BLOWING]
- LET'S HAVE A DRINK FIRST.
- GREAT.
- BARTENDER, CAN WE HAVE,
LET'S SEE, TWO SCREWDRIVERS
WITH FRESH ORANGE JUICE?
- I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT FRESH
ORANGES ARE OUT OF SEASON.
- WE'LL WAIT.
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- HELLO.
- HI.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP.
- OH,
YES, YOU DID.
- YEAH, I DID.
- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I WAS ALREADY AWAKE.
- THEN HOW COME YOUR
EYES WERE CLOSED?
- I WAS JUST THINKING BACK
TO ALL THE NICE THINGS
THAT HAPPENED.
- LIKE WHAT?
- OH,
LIKE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
- I REMEMBER IT WELL.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOE?
- WHAT?
- HERE WE ARE, ONE DAY
MARRIED, NOTHING'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, WELL, ONE
THING'S DIFFERENT.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
THERE'S A STOMACH MUSCLE
THAT'S RELAXED.
- YOU KNOW, OH, I'M REALLY
GLAD WE DIDN'T GO AWAY
FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
- OH,
YEAH, ME, TOO.
- I FIGURE, IF WE WOULD HAVE
GONE SOMEWHERE, WE'D JUST BE
GETTING THERE NOW.
AND THE VIEW WOULD BE
JUST THE SAME ANYWAY, RIGHT?
HEY, YOU'RE NOT SORRY WE
DIDN'T GO SOMEWHERE, ARE YOU?
LIKE A RESORT
HOTEL OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, NO. UH-UH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?
- WHAT?
- WHERE YOU PACK A LOT OF
HEAVY SWEATERS, YOU JUMP
IN THE CAR, YOU DRIVE UP TO
NEW ENGLAND, JUST WHEN THE
LEAVES ARE STARTING TO TURN,
FIRST FROST IN THE AIR,
YOU RENT A CABIN IN THE WOODS,
SET A ROARING FIRE, AND THEN
YOU LIE IN FRONT OF IT
WITH A GLASS OF WINE.
- GEE,
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
- NEITHER HAVE I.
BUT IT SOUNDED GOOD,
DIDN'T IT?
DO YOU WANT ME TO
FIX YOU BREAKFAST?
- NAH!
- EVER?
HELLO, HAPPINESS.
AHH. OH, JOE.
- YEAH?
- ISN'T IT NICE TO KNOW THAT
AS HAPPY AS WE ARE TODAY,
THERE'S SOMEONE
WHO'S EVEN HAPPIER?
MY MOTHER.
- OH,
YEAH, SHE SURE WAS
HAPPY YESTERDAY.
SAY, WHAT WAS SHE HOLLERING
TO US WHEN WE DROVE AWAY?
- OH, WHO KNOWS?
PROBABLY SOME FINAL WORDS OF
WISDOM, LIKE "BE SURE TO HAVE
A HOT MEAL FIRST."
- HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S TRY NEVER TO
DO ANYTHING ROUTINE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I MEAN,
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MARRIED
LET'S NOT JUMP OUT OF BED
AT THE LAST MINUTE AND GRAB
COFFEE, AND,
I DON'T KNOW, RUN.
LET'S DO THIS EVERYDAY.
OK?
- OK, YEAH...
EXCEPT, JOE, WE MIGHT NOT
ALWAYS BE AWAKE LIKE THIS
AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
- YES, CARLTON?
- YES. THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
I THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU,
YOUR SISTER, YOU KNOW, THE ONE
WHO'S BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT?
WELL, SHE FINALLY GOT HOME.
SHE'S ON HER WAY UP.
- CARLTON, I HATE
TO SPOIL YOUR GOSSIP,
BUT SHE GOT
MARRIED YESTERDAY.
SHE DOESN'T
LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
- OH. THEN
I GUESS MY HOTTEST ITEM
IS THAT THEY'RE
HIDING A PUPPY IN 5-E.
- HI, BRENDA.
- HEY, HEY, HEY!
IT'S MRS. GERARD.
- YES, IT IS.
- MRS. GERARD.
- YEAH.
- I BET IT FEELS FUNNY HEARING
THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
- WHAT FIRST TIME?
MA KEPT INTRODUCING ME
LIKE THAT ALL LAST NIGHT.
"THIS IS MRS. GERARD,
THANK GOD."
- HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
SO EARLY THE MORNING
AFTER YOUR WEDDING?
EVEN I'M EXHAUSTED.
- THE THING IS
WE LEFT AT 7:00.
HOW LATE DID YOU STAY?
- OH,
WE LEFT A LOT LATER.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
- SO TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT
HAPPENED AFTER WE LEFT.
- OH. EVERYBODY SAID
YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
AND EVERYBODY SAID
I LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
- YOU DID. YES.
- POP HAD A FEW DRINKS
AND ASKED PEOPLE TO GUESS
WHAT THE WEDDING COST.
- NO.
- AND MA HAD A FEW
DRINKS AND TOLD THEM.
- YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
OH, MY!
- YOU KNOW, THE LAST THING
I REMEMBER WAS ALL OUR AUNTS
WALKING INTO THE SUNRISE,
EACH ONE CARRYING
A CENTERPIECE.
- PERFECT WEDDING.
JUST TERRIFIC, REALLY.
- EVEN NICK SAID SO, AND
HE'S BEEN TO A LOT OF THEM.
- NICK? WHO IS THAT?
- THE ACCORDION PLAYER,
NICK LOBO.
- OH, YEAH.
- DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER GOT
INVOLVED WITH ANYONE SO FAST
IN MY LIFE.
- HOW INVOLVED DID YOU GET?
- WELL,
I CAN ALMOST PLAY
"LADY OF SPAIN."
HEY, DO YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- NO,
BRENDA, LISTEN, I JUST CAME BY
TO GET THESE WEDDING GIFTS OUT
OF YOUR WAY AND TO RETURN
YOUR KEY TO YOU.
- OH,
MA'S BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU.
SHE CALLED ME BECAUSE SHE
DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU
ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.
- YEAH,
SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO KNOW
IF I FAINTED.
WELL, I'LL TALK TO HER LATER.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
UNLESS THIS IS HER, IN WHICH
CASE I'LL TALK TO HER NOW.
HELLO?
YEAH, YEAH, IT'S ME.
NO, MA, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THE MARRIAGE.
I JUST DROPPED BY
TO SEE BRENDA.
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
MARRIED LIFE SEEMS TO AGREE
WITH ME SO FAR.
YEAH.
MA, I KNOW THERE'S MORE
TO IT THAN JUST THAT.
LISTEN, I'M PRESSED
FOR TIME HERE.
COULD YOU TELL
ME WHAT YOU WANT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
A WEDDING GIFT?
YOU ALREADY GAVE US
A WEDDING GIFT.
THE WEDDING.
FUNNY, I NEVER THOUGHT
OF THAT AS MY GIFT TO YOU.
YEAH, YEAH, OK.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, MA.
TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN COME OVER
AFTER DINNER, I SUPPOSE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TIME WE'LL FINISH.
GOOD THINKING, MA, IF YOU COME
OVER BEFORE DINNER, THAT MEANS
YOU'LL FINISH WITH US. YES.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:30.
THE CHAMP.
- JOE, I KNOW,
I KNOW SOMEONE
GAVE US WINE GLASSES.
NOW, THEY'VE GOTTA
BE HERE SOMEPLACE.
- HEY,
WHO GAVE US THE FONDUE SET?
- WHO DIDN'T?
JOE, I GOTTA TELL YOU, YOU'RE
BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT NOT TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FOLKS
COMING OVER TONIGHT.
- OH, IT'S OK.
AFTER ALL, WE'VE BEEN
MARRIED A WHOLE DAY.
I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU
CAN MISS YOUR MOTHER.
- VERY FUNNY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- OH, RHODA.
- HI.
- AH, TELL ME, ANY NEWS
YET FROM THE STORK?
- MA,
THERE'S ONLY ONE
HEARTBEAT IN HERE, MINE.
- HI, JOE.
I NOTICED WHEN
WE CAME IN, YOU JUST
HAVE MR. JOE GERARD
ON THE MAILBOX.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET SOME NEW
CARDS THAT ALSO INCLUDE
YOUR FRONT DOOR.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LATER, JOE, SHE'LL CHECK THE
NAME TAGS ON YOUR UNDERWEAR.
- WEDDING DRESS.
- AH. MA, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO GET THAT BRONZED?
COME ON. DO YOU?
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
IT'S REALLY--
IT'S GREAT THAT
YOU'RE BOTH HERE.
- WELL, I'M SURE YOU MEAN THAT,
JOE, AND WE'LL GET OUT OF HERE
AS SOON AS WE CAN.
- OH,
COME ON, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
CAN I FIX ANYBODY A DRINK?
- IDA,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- UH, NO THANKS.
DULLS THE TASTE BUDS.
- AH,
MA, WHAT WE'RE HAVING
FOR DINNER, YOU DON'T
WANT TASTE BUDS.
- OH,
YEAH, WELL, WHAT SPECIALTY DID
YOU MAKE FOR YOUR
HUBBY'S FIRST DINNER?
- WELL, HUBBY WAS LATE.
I GOT TIED UP.
SO I STOPPED AT CHICKEN
DANDY AND GOT A BARREL
OF ASSORTED PARTS.
- WHICH PARTS?
- I GOT TWO OF EVERYTHING.
- SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
WE'LL GET SOME TOOTHPICKS,
BUILD OUR OWN CHICKEN.
- I SUPPOSE YOU TOLD
JOE WHY WE'RE HERE.
- YEAH,
AND, IDA, IT'S SWEET OF YOU,
BUT YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE
TO GET US A WEDDING GIFT.
- OH,
JOE, THIS IS SOMETHING WE'VE
BEEN WANTING TO DO
FOR A LONG TIME.
- A VERY LONG TIME.
AN INCREDIBLY LONG TIME.
- WELL,
RHODA PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW
THIS, BUT WHEN SHE WAS
A LITTLE GIRL, EVER SINCE THEN,
WE'VE BEEN PUTTING A LITTLE
SOMETHING AWAY EACH MONTH
TO BUY HER A WEDDING GIFT.
- YEAH, IF SHE'D GOTTEN
MARRIED AT A NORMAL TIME,
SHE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN JUST
A NICE ORDINARY GIFT, BUT NOW--
- NOW,
WAIT, HERE COMES THE MAIN
EVENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
RHODA AND JOE, SOMETHING TO
BOTH OF YOU FROM BOTH OF US.
- TADA!
- AH,
THAT'S SO SWEET, ISN'T IT?
- THANK YOU, BOTH, HONESTLY.
- THANK YOU.
- AH, JUST WHAT I
WANTED--NOT A FONDUE SET!
- COME ON, OPEN IT UP.
THE TOP COMES OFF, HONEY.
- I CAN'T GET IT.
THERE WE GO.
- THAT'S YOUR HONEYMOON.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK,
TWO TICKETS FOR A CRUISE.
- 10 DAYS TO THE CARIBBEAN.
- YEAH.
FIVE DAYS EACH WAY.
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT WE
DID ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY.
- TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
THINK ABOUT IT, HUH?
- THE CRUISE, MA?
- YEAH.
- I THINK IT'S
THE LOVELIEST THOUGHT.
REALLY, WE BOTH
APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT, JOE?
- OH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL.
- WE REALLY DO.
THANK YOU.
BUT I GOTTA BE HONEST, WE WERE
PLANNING SORT OF A DIFFERENT
KIND A HONEYMOON--ONE
WHERE WE COULD JUST BE ALONE.
YOU KNOW, THE TWO OF US.
- WELL, I MEAN,
WHAT BETTER PLACE TO BE ALONE,
ON AN OCEAN?
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO
COME OUT OF YOUR CABIN.
- YEAH, I GUESS, MAYBE.
- YEAH. NO,
IT SOUNDS GREAT, BABE.
- YEAH?
- YEAH, MOONLIT NIGHTS AT SEA.
YOU KNOW, FRESH AIR, SUNSHINE.
- OH, LISTEN, RHODA, YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE THIS CRUISE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE LOVED
IT SO MUCH WE TOOK IT AGAIN
LAST YEAR ON OUR
35th ANNIVERSARY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BALL.
I MEAN, THE FOOD
IS SIMPLY GREAT.
- OH, WONDERFUL.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.
- AND THE PEOPLE
ARE WONDERFUL.
I MEAN, THEY'RE REALLY
WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
- WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
- REAL HIP PEOPLE, JUST LIKE US.
[HORN BLOWING]
- WELL, SO...
SO THIS IS IT?
- WELL,
I KIND OF THOUGHT RHODA
AND JOE WOULD BE HERE BY NOW.
- NO, IF THEY WERE HERE,
WE WOULD SEE THEM.
GEE, I HOPE THE KIDS
ARE GONNA LIKE IT, IDA.
- OH,
LISTEN, THEY'RE IN LOVE.
THEY'LL LIKE ANYTHING.
- LOOK WHO'S HERE, BRENDA!
- HEY.
- WHO ARE YOU?
- MA,
POP, THIS IS NICK LOBO.
NICK, MY FOLKS.
- HEY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THE ACCORDION PLAYER
FROM RHODA'S WEDDING HERE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- DIDN'T WE PAY YOU?
MARTIN, PAY HIM.
- MA, HE'S MY DATE.
- OH, A MUSICIAN.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- AND WHAT DO YOU
DO FOR A LIVING?
- WHEN'S RHODA GETTING HERE?
- WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW.
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE
DISAPPOINTED, BRENDA?
I MEAN, MAYBE SHE WAS
EXPECTING MORE, HUH?
- WELL,
THERE'S AN EASY WAY
TO FIND OUT.
WHENEVER SHE'S TRYING TO HIDE
SOMETHING, SHE ALWAYS COVERS
HER MOUTH AND
TALKS THROUGH HER HAND.
IT'S A NERVOUS THING SHE DOES.
EVERYBODY IN OUR FAMILY
HAS A NERVOUS THING THEY DO.
- HEY, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, MAMA.
SHE'LL LIKE IT.
- MAMA?
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME MAMA?
- HEY, ALL MAMAS
ARE ALIKE, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME
CALLING YOU MAMA?
- I DIDN'T GIVE
BIRTH TO YOU.
- GOOD POINT,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- AND DON'T BEND OVER
WHEN YOU TALK TO ME.
- GOOD-BYE.
- I'M GLAD YOU
TWO HIT IT OFF.
- WELL!
- THE NEWLYWEDS!
HERE THEY ARE!
- WHAT DID I TELL YA? HUH?
- HI.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- ISN'T THIS SOMETHING? HUH?
- SOMETHING WONDERFUL.
- NICE. NICE.
- YEAH, IT'S
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
- DID YOU CATCH IT, MA?
- OK, OK.
LISTEN.
IT MAY SEEM A LITTLE SMALL
NOW, BUT WHEN WE LEAVE,
IT GETS LARGER.
- LISTEN, RELAX,
DON'T YOU WORRY.
A HONEYMOON DOESN'T
TAKE UP THAT MUCH ROOM.
- HEY,
SON OF A GUN, YOU'RE GOING
ON YOUR HONEYMOON, EH?
HEY!
- WHO ARE YOU?
- HEY,
JOE, THAT'S NICK.
NICK LOBO FROM THE
WEDDING, WAS THE ACCORDION
PLAYER, REMEMBER?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YOU WERE VERY NIMBLE.
- YEAH,
YEAH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
WATCHING MY
LEFT HAND, HUH?
- I'M WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW.
- HEY.
- HEY.
- WELL, WHERE'S
THE PORTHOLE, MA?
- THERE'S NO PORTHOLE?
- WHO NEEDS A PORTHOLE?
- YEAH,
ESPECIALLY BELOW
THE WATER LINE.
- WHAT, POP?
- LISTEN, LET'S
OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE,
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- YES, YES.
- YEAH,
WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?
JOE AND I ARE JUST GONNA
STEP IN HERE FOR A MINUTE.
THAT WAY THE CORK WILL
HAVE ROOM TO COME OUT.
[HORN BLOWING]
JOE, LISTEN, YOU
GOTTA HELP ME.
WE MUST THINK OF A KIND,
UNDERSTANDING, SENSITIVE WAY
TO TELL MY MOTHER
I'M GONNA JUMP SHIP.
- HEY,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
- JOE,
IT'S TERRIBLE.
DID YOU SEE THOSE BUNKS?
THEY'RE LIKE TWIN
TORPEDO TUBES.
EVEN THAT FLOOR
ISN'T KING SIZED.
- HEY,
ONCE WE'RE OUT AT SEA,
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
I MEAN,
HOW MUCH TIME WE GONNA SPEND
IN THAT ROOM ANYWAY?
- IT'S OUR HONEYMOON.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- CAN YOU IMAGINE 10 DAYS
COOPED UP IN THIS PLACE?
AH!
- JOE?
- WHAT?
- ARE WE STANDING IN THE
SHOWER OR DOES THE CLOSET
HAVE A DRAIN?
- OH,
NO, NO, THIS IS A COMBINATION
BATHROOM, CLOSET, AND WET BAR.
- WHERE AM I GONNA
DRY MY PANTYHOSE?
I'LL HAVE TO RUN THEM
UP WITH THE FLAG.
- COME ON, YOU TWO,
THE CHAMPAGNE IS GETTING WARM.
- HEY,
COME ON, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A GREAT TRIP.
- JOE,
YOU'RE SO GOOD.
MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER
AGAIN AFTER THE HONEYMOON.
- WELL,
LET'S GRAB A GLASS
AND HAVE A DRINK HERE.
THAT'S IT.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT?
HERE'S A TOAST.
HERE'S TO A GREAT CRUISE.
HUH? THERE YOU ARE.
RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT]
A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL PARTING.
- RIGHT.
- MAMA.
- JOE,
WE'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE
ON THE ENTIRE SHIP UNDER 70.
- YEAH,
IT'S LIKE SUN CITY
WITH LIFE PRESERVERS.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK!
- WHAT?
- THE OCEAN.
I KNEW IT WAS OUT
THERE SOMEPLACE.
- HEY,
WHAT DO YOU SAY, KID, DO YOU
WANT TO SHAKE
A LEG, HUH?
- YEAH, MAYBE IT'LL BRING
MY CIRCULATION BACK.
- AH,
IT WON'T BE SO BAD IF WE JUST
USE THE CABIN TO SLEEP IN.
- YEAH, OK.
TONIGHT'LL BE YOUR TURN.
- IT'S A GREAT WAY
TO START A MARRIAGE.
AFTER 10 NIGHTS IN THERE,
THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING WE DON'T
KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- THIS IS TRUE.
- OK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S TIME TO CHANGE PARTNERS!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
- OH, YEAH, CERTAINLY.
- I'LL TRY TO BRING HER
BACK IN GOOD CONDITION.
- I'D APPRECIATE THAT,
I JUST GOT HER.
UM...I GUESS IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME, PARTNER.
- JOE, YOU BEHAVE
YOURSELF, YOU HEAR?
- NOW, YOU LET ME
KNOW WHEN YOU GET TIRED.
- BY THE WAY,
MY NAME IS FOSNER.
- HI, I'M RHODA MORGENSTERN--
UH, RHODA GERARD.
JUST AN OLD REFLEX.
- YOU PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD?
- NO, I DON'T.
- OH,
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TEACH YOU,
TOMORROW AFTERNOON,
RIGHT AFTER YOUR NAP.
- NAP?
FINE, I'LL BE SURE
TO SET THE ALARM.
[APPLAUSE]
- OH,
DO YOU SUPPOSE MY MOTHER
PLANNED THIS SO NOBODY
WOULD LOOK BETTER THAN ME
ON MY HONEYMOON?
- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
SIT THIS ONE OUT, HUH?
- YEAH,
I WANNA SAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR SHUFFLEBOARD.
- TABLE 14.
- YEAH.
- OH,
THERE IT IS, JOE.
- OH.
- GEE, I WONDER IF HE'S
HERE WITH SOMEBODY.
- I WONDER IF HE'S HERE.
- ARE WE IN PUERTO RICO YET?
- NO, AFRAID NOT.
- OH.
- HI.
- HI.
- BOY, THAT DANCING
REALLY KNOCKS IT OUT OF YOU,
DOESN'T IT?
- I CAN'T KEEP GETTING
EXHAUSTED LIKE THIS.
- WHY NOT?
IT'S A VACATION. YOU
SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN.
- THIS ISN'T A VACATION.
THIS IS THE HARDEST
JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
I'M THE DOCTOR OF THE SHIP.
- HE SEEMS TO BE OK.
- WHEN I SEE SOMEBODY
SLEEPING AROUND HERE,
I THINK THEY'RE POST.
IT'S OK. A LITTLE SLOW,
BUT HE'S STILL SLEEPING.
- ATTENTION, ATTENTION,
DR. DERWIN, DR. DERWIN,
YOU'RE WANTED
ON "D" DECK, CABIN THREE,
AND "A" DECK, CABIN SIX,
AND COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY?
- I OUGHT TO PAINT A RED
CROSS ON THE SIDE OF THIS TUB.
- IF WE'RE GONNA GET SICK,
WE BETTER DO IT IN A HURRY.
THAT DOCTOR DOESN'T
LOOK TOO FRISKY.
- WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, MY LITTLE
DANCING PARTNER.
- HI, MR. FOSNER.
HOW NICE, YOU'RE
SITTING WITH US.
- MRS. FOSNER.
- ARE YOU CELEBRATING
AN ANNIVERSARY?
THEY DO BIG THINGS ABOUT
ANNIVERSARIES ABOARD SHIP.
- OH, NO, NO.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
ON YOUR HONEYMOON?
- YEAH,
WE ARE MR. AND MRS. FOSNER,
BUT WE'D REALLY LIKE
TO KEEP IT QUIET.
[DRUM ROLL]
- HEY, GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GERITOL!
HEY!
AND WITH THIS GROUP,
THERE MUST BE PLENTY OF IT.
ONLY KIDDING,
ONLY KIDDING, HEY!
HOW YA DOING? NICE
TO SEE YOU UP AND AROUND.
I WANNA GIVE
A SPECIAL WELCOME
TO THE TRI-STATE
SENIOR CITIZENS ASSOCIATION
WHO ARE WITH US FOR
THEIR ANNUAL GET-TOGETHER
HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S MARVELOUS.
WITH THIS GROUP,
A GET-TOGETHER IS IF THEY CAN
WALK TOWARD EACH OTHER.
HEY!
HEY! ONLY KIDDING.
WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH, OH.
A LITTLE DUCK TOLD ME
THE SECRET WORD TONIGHT
IS "HONEYMOON."
JOE AND RHODA GERARD,
WHERE ARE YOU, KIDS?
- WHO TOLD HIM?
- I THINK THAT LITTLE
DUCK WAS MY MOTHER.
- WAIT A MINUTE, I SEE THEM.
I SEE THEM.
SPOTLIGHT ON TABLE 14, PLEASE.
[DRUM ROLL]
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
JOE AND RHODA GERARD.
SO YOU KIDS ARE
ON YOUR HONEYMOON.
ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN MARRIED?
- A WEEK.
- ABOUT A WEEK.
GOOD MEMORY, JOE, HEY!
RHODA!
- I'VE BEEN MARRIED
ABOUT A WEEK ALSO.
- A WEEK--OHH!
HEY, BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS,
AS IS OUR CUSTOM HERE ABOARD
SHIP, JOE AND RHODA ARE GONNA
DANCE THEIR VERY FIRST
DANCE ALONE.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
HEY!
LET'S GIVE THEM A LITTLE
ENCOURAGEMENT HERE.
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.
OH, COME ON, HONEY,
YOU GOTTA.
OH, COME ON.
IF YOU WANT ENCOURAGEMENT,
I CAN ENCOURAGE
YOU ALL NIGHT.
- OK, WE'LL DO IT.
- OK,
THEY'RE GONNA DO IT, FOLKS.
THEY'RE GONNA DO IT.
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
MAESTRO, IF YOU PLEASE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- ♪ OH,
HOW WE DANCED ON THE NIGHT ♪
♪ WE WERE WED ♪
♪ I NEEDED A WIFE ♪
♪ LIKE A HOLE IN MY HEAD ♪
- BOY,
THIS IS GONNA BE SOME TRIP.
HE TOUCHED ME.
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALTZ
ME SLOWLY TOWARD THE EXIT?
- GOOD IDEA.
- [HUMMING]
ANY LAST WORDS, KIDS?
- I PRAY YOUR CORD
DOESN'T REACH TO OUR CABIN.
[HUMMING]
ONLY KIDDING.
[APPLAUSE AND HUMMING]
- CAN YOU BELIEVE, THE FIRST
STOP ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE
IS BALTIMORE?
- I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY
TO SEE BALTIMORE IN MY LIFE.
- JOE,
DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE
TOMORROW'S SCHEDULE OF
ACTIVITIES FOR THE BOAT?
- NO.
- OH,
IT'S GONNA BE A HEAVY DAY.
THEY'RE HAVING
A POLIGRIP SEMINAR.
LATER, AN AMATEUR
LIMBO CONTEST.
YEAH. THAT OUGHTA KEEP
THAT DOCTOR BUSY.
[HORN BLOWING]
- OH, I THINK
THEY'RE CALLING US.
- YEAH, I HEARD 'EM. RIGHT.
- I GUESS WE BETTER BE
GETTING BACK ON BOARD.
- I SUPPOSE SO, YOU WOULDN'T
WANNA MISS THE BOAT.
- NOPE, SURE WOULDN'T.
- NO.
[HORN BLOWING]
- LET'S HAVE A DRINK FIRST.
- GREAT.
- BARTENDER, CAN WE HAVE,
LET'S SEE, TWO SCREWDRIVERS
WITH FRESH ORANGE JUICE?
- I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT FRESH
ORANGES ARE OUT OF SEASON.
- WE'LL WAIT.