Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 8 - Rhoda's Wedding: Part 1 - full transcript
It's two days before Rhoda and Joe's wedding. One item still of contention between Rhoda and Ida is the wedding itself. Ida wants a larger wedding than Rhoda has planned, and takes steps to ensure she gets what she wants without Rhoda being able to do anything about it. Regardless of whether Rhoda or Ida gets her way on this item, the wedding may end up being just slightly larger than Rhoda planned if only because beyond Mary and Georgette being invited and coming in from Minneapolis for the festivities, three additional people decide to come from Minneapolis as well: Lou, Murray and Phyllis. There are logistical items to work out with these last minute arrivals. In addition, Rhoda is in excited anticipation about what her two favorite people in world, Joe and Mary, will think about each other. With many of the wedding guests convening at Ida and Martin's place for dinner, there are two conspicuously absent people, namely Rhoda and Joe, who have to do something important on this their final night as singletons.
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- OH, THANKS, BREN.
AHH.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE
JUST YESTERDAY YOU MOVED IN.
AND HERE YOU ARE MOVING
OUT TO GET MARRIED.
- YEAH.
WELL, SOMEDAY IT'S GONNA
HAPPEN FOR YOU, BRENDA.
YOU MEET A WONDERFUL GUY,
FALL IN LOVE, DECIDE TO GET
MARRIED, AND BE JUST AS
NAUSEOUS AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, THAT'S JOE FOR THE TRUNK.
LISTEN, CAN YOU--
- I GOT IT.
- THANK YOU.
- HIYA, JOE.
- HI, HONEY.
- HIYA, BREN.
- HELLO, JOE.
MMM, I'M GONNA MISS
THAT AROUND HERE, TOO.
THE LINGERING SCENT
OF AQUA VELVA.
- TRUNK'S READY, HUH?
- YEAH, IT'S ALL READY, JOE.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T I GET
CARLTON TO GIVE YOU A HAND?
- THE DOORMAN?
- YEAH.
- NO,
HE'S REALLY LOADED AGAIN.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN REALLY?
- HELLO?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
UH, FROM YOUR LOBBY.
YOU KNOW?
- GOOD,
CARLTON, YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE.
WHAT IS IT?
- THERE'S A STRANGE
WOMAN ON HER WAY UP.
- STRANGE WOMAN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU FIND
OUT WHO IT IS?
- I KNOW WHO IT IS.
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
- THANKS.
YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE MY
IMAGINATION, BUT I THINK I'M
STARTING TO SMELL SCOTCH
COMING THROUGH THIS THING.
- HEY,
WHAT'S MA DOING HERE?
- SHE'S PROBABLY COMING
TO REOPEN NEGOTIATIONS.
- THERE'S NOTHING
TO NEGOTIATE.
WE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED
QUIETLY IN THE JUDGE'S
CHAMBERS, AND THAT'S IT.
RIGHT, JOE?
- HEY,
IT'S UP TO YOU.
I'M STAYING OUT OF IT.
I'M STILL GETTING OVER
MY FIRST WEDDING.
- BAD, HUH?
- WELL, I KNEW I WAS IN
TROUBLE WHEN THE MINISTER
SAID, "YOU MAY KISS THE
BRIDE," AND SHE SAID, "DON'T
SMEAR MY MAKEUP."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- THERE SHE IS.
- HI, MA.
- HI, RHODA.
- HI, BRENDA.
- HI, MA.
- HI THERE, SON-IN-LAW.
- HI, IDA.
- TELL ME, JOE, ARE YOU
NERVOUS ABOUT SUNDAY?
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOME MEN ON
THEIR WEDDING MORNING WAKE UP
WITH CRAZY THOUGHTS IN THEIR
HEAD, LIKE, "SHOULD I GO
THROUGH WITH THIS?"
LET ME REASSURE YOU,
YOU SHOULD.
- IT'S REALLY GONNA BE
FUN HAVING YOU
FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW, IDA.
- WHY DON'T YOU EVER
TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?
- MA,
WHEN DID I EVER GIVE YOU
THE IMPRESSION THAT I DIDN'T
THINK YOU WERE...FUN?
- OK,
IDA, LET ME GET THIS TRUNK
OUT OF HERE.
- JOE,
LIFT WITH THE LEGS.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RHODA.
- YEAH, BYE, JOE.
- RHO,
I'M GONNA CLEAN SOME OF YOUR
STUFF OUT OF THE
BATHROOM FOR YOU.
- OH,
THANKS, BRENDA, THAT'S GREAT.
- OH,
RHODA, RHODA.
- WHAT?
- TO THINK THAT IN TWO DAYS
MY FIRST BORN WILL BE MARRIED.
- YEAH.
- WHERE ARE YOU
GETTING MARRIED AGAIN?
I KEEP FORGETTING.
- MA, WE HAVE BEEN
AROUND ON THIS
A DOZEN TIMES NOW.
NOW JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT
I AM NOT HAVING A BIG WEDDING.
YOU'D SAVE US BOTH A LOT OF
TROUBLE IF YOU JUST LET ME DO
THIS MY OWN WAY, HUH?
- YOU THINK THIS IS FOR ME?
- MM-HMM.
- FOR ME?
- WELL, FORGET ME.
I'M NOT IMPORTANT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER?
THINK OF HIS FEELINGS.
- I KNOW IT DOESN'T
MATTER TO POP.
- IT DOESN'T MATTER TO POP.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, LITTLE
LADY, THAT JUST THE OTHER DAY
I HEARD THAT POOR MAN SAY
TO YOUR AUNT ROSE, "IF RHODA
DOESN'T HAVE A BIG WEDDING,
THERE WILL BE NO LIVING
WITH IDA."
- BRENDA, DID YOU HEAR THIS?
DO YOU BELIEVE THIS PERSON?
I'M GONNA BE MARRIED IN 48 HOURS
AND SHE IS STILL TRYING
TO CHANGE MY WEDDING PLANS.
- I'M NOT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING.
THE SITUATION HERE IS THAT
I'VE ALREADY DONE SOMETHING.
- IF NOBODY ASKS WHAT,
I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
- WELL,
I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT NOBODY
ASKS WHAT, BECAUSE WHAT I'VE
DONE WOULD BE VERY HARD
TO TELL YOU...
BECAUSE IT'S HUGE.
AND ONLY A MOTHER WOULD
UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE
DONE THIS.
- WHAT? DONE
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- WELL,
SINCE YOU'VE ASKED...
WITHOUT ACTUALLY CLEARING
IT WITH YOU, RHODA,
I HAVE ASKED SOME
PEOPLE UP TO THE APARTMENT
FOR A GET TOGETHER ON SUNDAY.
- OH, BEFORE OR AFTER
THE WEDDING, MA?
- DURING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME GET THIS, PLEASE.
YOU HAVE ACTUALLY PLANNED
A WEDDING FOR ME AT YOUR
APARTMENT, KNOWING THAT I
DON'T WANT A BIG CEREMONY.
- WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER BIG?
- ANYTHING OVER 12 PEOPLE.
- I MAY HAVE OVERSTEPPED.
- HOW MANY, MA?
- NOT COUNTING
MUSICIANS, 79.
- OVERSTEPPED?
YOU ARE...AWE-INSPIRING!
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IN A CRAZY KIND OF
WAY, SHE MAY BE A GREAT WOMAN.
- YOU CAN'T
DO THIS, MA.
YOU REALLY CAN'T.
- YEAH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA FORCE ME INTO THIS.
- I MEAN, YOU CAN DO A LOT,
BUT THIS YOU CAN'T DO.
- NO WAY.
- YOU HAVE REALLY
OVERSTEPPED YOURSELF.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
MA, I'M GONNA HAVE MY MARRIAGE
THE WAY I WANNA HAVE IT,
THE WAY I PLANNED IT
ORIGINALLY, NO MATTER WHAT.
BECAUSE THIS TIME IT ISN'T
JUST ANOTHER DAY IN MY LIFE,
IT'S MY WEDDING DAY,
AND THAT'S IT!
- SO WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?
- WHO ARE WE KIDDING?
RHODA, SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.
- HOW?
MA, I'M GETTING MARRIED
THE WAY I PLANNED.
- OK,
RHODA, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO
DO, I'LL MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
- SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.
- OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO WITH THOSE 79
PEOPLE AND THE FOLDING
CHAIRS FACING THE MANTEL...
NOT TO MENTION GRANDMOTHER
MORGENSTERN, WHO WHEN I CALLED
HER AT...THE HOME...
TO INVITE HER
TO YOUR WEDDING, SAID THAT SHE
NEVER THOUGHT THAT SHE'D
LIVE TO SEE YOU GET MARRIED.
I JUST HOPE THE
DISAPPOINTMENT DOESN'T...
- [SIGHS]
- SHE GOT YOU.
- YEAH!
OK, MA, OK.
YOU WIN.
YOU'RE STILL THE CHAMP.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH JOE,
WE WILL GET MARRIED
AT YOUR PLACE.
- WHATEVER YOU WANT.
- MARY!
- OH, RHODA!
- OH, MARY!
- HI.
- OH, MARE. OH, WOW.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- OH, WELL!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
COMING IN LAST NIGHT.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
THE MINNEAPOLIS
AIRPORT WAS FOGGED IN.
I WAS THERE FROM 7:00 LAST
NIGHT UNTIL 5 THIS MORNING.
I MUST LOOK AWFUL.
- YEAH,
YOU REALLY DO, KID.
I HATE TO GLOAT, MARE, BUT
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I THINK I LOOK
BETTER THAN YOU DO.
- OH, RHODA!
I REALLY MISSED YOU!
- OH-HO-HO, YOU MISSED ME?
I'VE LOST MY ONLY
LINK TO CLASSY.
- AH!
- I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!
REALLY, MARY.
- OH, BOY.
- MARY,
THIS IS WEIRD, BUT I THINK
I SEE A MAN WEAVING THIS
WAY THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE
LOU GRANT!
AND MURRAY!
HI!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
AH! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
- SORRY WE'RE LATE, RHODA.
WE WANTED TO
FRESHEN UP A LITTLE.
- MURRAY.
- OH,
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RHODA.
- OH, MURRAY, LOU.
- HI.
WOW, LOU, WHAT A HUG!
- THAT IS NO LONGER A HUG.
YOU ARE NOW HOLDING HIM UP.
- WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS DOING HERE?
- WELL,
THEY DROVE ME TO THE AIRPORT
AND WE SAT AROUND TALKING
ABOUT YOU AND THE WEDDING.
- YEAH, AND THEY
GAVE US FREE LIQUOR.
WE TOASTED YOU A FEW TIMES,
AND THEN A FEW MORE TIMES.
- AND THEN MR. GRANT SAID,
"EVERYBODY SHOULD DO AT LEAST
ONE DUMB, CRAZY THING IN
HIS LIFETIME," AND THIS ONE
AGREED, AND--
- AND HERE WE ARE!
- HEY,
IT'S CRAZY, ISN'T IT?
AND I'M NOT A GUY THAT
DOES CRAZY THINGS, RIGHT?
- OH,
BUT I'M SO GLAD YOU DID IT,
BECAUSE NOW THREE OF MY
FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
ARE HERE FOR MY WEDDING.
- SURPRISE!
SURPRISE!
I'M HERE!
- WELL, THREE OUT
OF FOUR AIN'T BAD.
- I'LL GO GET
OUR LUGGAGE, LOU.
- YEAH.
- I HAVE MY CLAIM
CHECKS RIGHT HERE.
- LISTEN,
I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE
AND START PLEADING FOR A CAB.
- NONSENSE.
I RESERVED A CAR,
I'LL DRIVE YOU.
- OH.
- THAT WAY, I CAN POINT
OUT VARIOUS LANDMARKS
OF HISTORICAL INTEREST.
- WAIT, PHYLLIS?
YOU ARE GONNA
SHOW ME NEW YORK?
- ACTUALLY, I WAS
THINKING OF MARY.
YOU CAN SIT IN THE BACK
WITH LOU AND MURRAY AND TALK
ABOUT...SPORTS.
- I JUST REMEMBERED, LOU,
WE DON'T HAVE ANY LUGGAGE.
- I DO.
- MARY MUST HAVE A SUITCASE.
WHERE'S YOUR STUFF, MARY?
- YES,
IT'S WHITE, MR. GRANT, AND IT
HAS MY INITIALS ON IT.
NO, WAIT, I DIDN'T
BRING THAT ONE BECAUSE
THE HANDLE WAS BROKEN.
- I'LL FIND IT NOW THAT YOU'VE
NARROWED IT DOWN FOR ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR A SUITCASE
WITH YOUR INITIALS NOT ON IT.
- I HAVE SEVERAL PIECES,
ALL BROWN!
- YOU BROUGHT EVERYTHING
IN PAPER BAGS, HUH?
- HEY,
YOU WANT ME TO GET
THEM FOR YOU, PHYLLIS?
- OH,
MURRAY, I CAN'T REFUSE
YOU ANYTHING.
- YEAH,
I'LL BE OK, AS LONG AS I DON'T
LOOK AT THAT PART THAT
GOES ROUND AND ROUND.
- HEY,
KID, I'VE GOT SO MUCH
TO TELL YOU.
- YES,
MARY, I DO, TOO.
- PHYLLIS, I JUST SAW
YOU ON THE PLANE.
- I LEAD A VERY FULL LIFE.
- YOU KNOW, PHYLLIS,
I'M REALLY SURPRISED
YOU'RE HERE.
- OH?
- I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IT'S VERY NICE AND I THINK
IT'S TERRIFIC OF YOU TO COME,
BUT I'M JUST
SOMEHOW SURPRISED.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
- COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE FACT
THAT I WASN'T INVITED?
- THAT MIGHT BE IT.
- YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS
ALWAYS BEEN VERY SPECIAL
TO ME, RHODA.
I WOULDN'T DENY MYSELF THE
CHANCE TO MEET THE MAN YOU
FINALLY HOOKED.
I'LL GET THE CAR.
CAN YOU TWO MANAGE?
- WE'LL TRY.
- ALWAYS KEEP
THE CLASP NEXT TO YOU.
YOU'RE IN NEW YORK NOW.
- SO,
TELL ME ALL ABOUT THE WEDDING.
- OK.
WELL, YOU KNOW
THE SIMPLE CEREMONY
IN THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS?
- YEAH.
- OUT.
- WHAT?
- THE ENTIRE SCENE
HAS MOVED UPTOWN
TO MY PARENTS'
APARTMENT IN THE BRONX.
YEAH. AT THIS MOMENT, MY MOTHER
IS CORNERING THE MARKET
IN CHOPPED LIVER.
- AH,
RHODA, YOU'RE GETTING
MARRIED AT HOME.
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
- YEAH.
THERE'S MORE.
MY MOTHER BOUGHT ME
A WEDDING GOWN...
WHITE WITH A VEIL.
- OH.
- YEAH,
IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO TALK
HER OUT OF ADDING A TRAIN
TO BE CARRIED BY FIVE
LITTLE COUSINS.
- LISTEN, I JUST CAN'T
WAIT TO MEET JOE.
IS HE...WONDERFUL?
- THAT'S UNCANNY.
YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM AND YOU
JUST DESCRIBED HIM TO A "T."
LISTEN, IF YOU LIKE
HIS TYPE, LET ME KNOW.
OH, THERE'S A LOT MORE
OF THEM HERE THAN THERE ARE
IN MINNEAPOLIS.
THIS IS WHERE THEY COME FROM.
OH, HERE THEY ARE.
- FOR SOME STRANGE REASON
I FEEL LIKE CALLING
SOMEBODY BWANA.
- BRENDA?
BRENDA, WE'RE HERE.
- HI.
- THIS IS MARY AND PHYLLIS.
THAT'S MY SISTER, BRENDA.
- HI, MARY!
OH, I'VE HEARD SO
MUCH ABOUT YOU.
RHODA DOES NOTHING BUT TALK
ABOUT HOW TERRIFIC YOU ARE!
- OH.
- AND PHYLLIS!
SHE'S MENTIONED
YOU, TOO.
- OH,
BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH,
WHEN YOU CALLED FROM
THE AIRPORT AND TOLD ME THERE
ARE EXTRA PEOPLE, I STARTED
BLOWING THIS UP.
I ONLY HAVE ONE EXTRA BED.
- OH,
WELL, THANKS, BRENDA, BUT I'M
GONNA BE STAYING
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
- PHYLLIS?
- ME?
SLEEP HERE ON A BALLOON?
HA HA.
HA HA. HOW VERY
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
AS IT HAPPENS, I MADE PLANS
TO STAY AT A SMALL, BUT SMART
EAST SIDE HOTEL.
JUST GETTING COURAGE UP
TO GO BACK OUTSIDE.
- GEE,
IT'S A SHAME YOU WENT
TO ALL THE TROUBLE
OF BLOWING THAT UP.
- OH, THAT'S OK.
I CAN ALWAYS USE IT
FOR A DRESS FORM.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
GETTING YOUR COURAGE UP?
- I HAD A SHATTERING
EXPERIENCE JUST NOW,
WHEN I PARKED THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.
- ME?
SHE MEANS ME!
- THE CHILD CAN HANDLE IT.
SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
- I WAS ASSAULTED.
- ASSAULTED!
PHYLLIS!
ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS THAT
A MAN ASKED US FOR A QUARTER
TO BUY SOME SOUP.
- MARY,
YOU SILLY GOOSE, YOU DON'T
BELIEVE THAT'S ALL
HE WAS AFTER, DO YOU?
SOUP WAS JUST TO GIVE
HIM STRENGTH FOR WHAT
HE REALLY WANTED.
THE CITY HAS CHANGED.
IT'S NOT MY GOTHAM ANYMORE.
SUDDENLY, IT'S
A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT.
A PLACE WHERE I CAN WALK INTO
AN APARTMENT HOUSE AND BE
ACCOSTED BY SOME DERELICT
LURKING IN THE LOBBY.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE WORKS HERE.
- WELL,
SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO WALK
ME TO MY CAR.
I REFUSE TO BE ATTACKED
BEFORE I EVEN GET OUT
OF THE BUILDING.
- YEAH,
THERE'S A BETTER SELECTION
OF BUMS ON THE STREET.
OK, I'LL WALK YOU TO
YOUR CAR, PHYLLIS.
- THANK YOU, CHILD.
MARY, RHODA, I'LL
SEE YOU TONIGHT.
THIS IS ALL A FASCINATING
EXPERIENCE.
AND WHO KNOWS?
SOME DAY WE MAY ALL LOOK
BACK ON IT AND SMILE.
- SHE'S EVERYTHING
YOU SAID SHE WAS.
[DOOR BUZZER]
- YES?
- HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES.
WHAT'S HIS NAME--JOE--
IS COMING UP.
- MARY, JOE'S HERE.
HE'S HERE.
- OH.
- OH,
I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM.
- OH,
I'M SURE I WILL.
- IF YOU DON'T, I'LL GO NUTS.
- OH, COME ON.
- OH, MARY.
- I MEAN,
I WON'T CALL OFF THE WEDDING
IF YOU DON'T, BUT
I REALLY WANT YOU TO.
- RHODA,
I HAVE A FEELING I'M GONNA
ADORE HIM.
AND I'M GONNA BE SO JEALOUS
OF YOU THAT I'LL
MISERABLE FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
- BOY,
I SURE HOPE SO.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA, WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY?
IS HE ALWAYS DRUNK?
DOES HE EVER DO ANYTHING ELSE?
- JOE, THIS IS MARY.
- HELLO!
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
OH, BOY, WHAT A DAY!
IT STARTED OFF WITH
THE BUILDING INSPECTOR.
THE MORON, HE SAYS,
"UNSAFE, UNSAFE."
I SAID, "OF COURSE,
IT'S UNSAFE!
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
TEARING IT DOWN!"
THAT'S THE KIND OF HALF-WITS
THAT WE GOT WORKING
IN THIS CITY.
IT WAS A MISERABLE, DIRTY JOB.
THAT CLOWN CAME IN AND
HE MESSED UP EVERYTHING.
I GOT MYSELF A PARKING TICKET
AND NOW THAT DRUNKEN DOORMAN
OF YOURS, HE TELLS ME
I'VE GOTTA USE
THE SERVICE ENTRANCE?!
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
A SERVICE ENTRANCE!
I TELL YOU THE PEOPLE IN
THIS CITY ARE GETTING DUMBER
AND DUMBER BY THE MINUTE!
I'VE GOTTA GO WASH UP!
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- OH, RHODA!
TERRIFIC!
- YEAH, COME ON IN,
I'M JUST WASHING UP.
- LISTEN, JOE, I DON'T
CARE WHAT KIND OF A DAY YOU
HAD AT WORK,
THAT IS MY VERY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WORLD STANDING
OUT THERE, AND YOU JUST
ACTED REALLY CRUDDY.
- WHAT DID YOU
EXPECT ME TO DO?
KISS HER HAND?
- NO,
BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAST YOU'D
BE NICE TO HER.
- HEY,
CONSIDERING HOW I FEEL,
I WAS NICE TO HER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
FORGET THAT I'M TICKED OFF
AND DO A WHOLE SOCIAL NUMBER?
- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I EXPECT.
- MARY?
- YES.
- I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO
SAY WELCOME TO OUR FAIR CITY.
- OH,
AND I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO
SAY HOW TRULY WONDERFUL
IT IS TO BE HERE.
- YOU HEARD EVERYTHING
WE SAID IN THE BATHROOM?
- YEAH, SURE DID.
- YOU UNDERSTAND,
YOU'RE BUGGED
ALL DAY ON THE JOB AND...
LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'LL BE OK IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
- HEY, JOE.
YOU'RE OK RIGHT NOW.
- IT'S REALLY NICE
TO MEET YOU, MARY.
- IT'S NICE TO
MEET YOU, TOO.
- HA HA HA.
- UH,
LISTEN, EVERYBODY, THERE'S LOTS
MORE FOOD.
- OH!
- NO!
- I'M STUFFED.
IF I EAT ONE MORE
BITE, I'LL DIE.
- OH,
YOU'RE SWEET TO SAY THAT.
LISTEN, IT WAS AT THIS POINT
THAT MARTIN WAS GOING TO
PROPOSE A TOAST, BUT, AS YOU
CAN SEE, MY RHODA AND JOE
AREN'T HERE YET.
- WHO'S JOE?
- THE GROOM.
- OH, YEAH.
- THEY'LL BE HERE
A LITTLE LATER.
THEY DIDN'T TELL
ME THE REASON.
THEY SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT
AND I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
DOING, DO YOU, MARTIN?
- NO,
SWEETHEART, I DON'T.
LIKE I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT,
I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S HERE
AND WHO ISN'T HERE,
I'M HAVING FUN.
I LOVE JEWISH FOOD!
- WE NEVER THOUGHT
OF STEAK AS JEWISH.
- UH,
BRENDA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT RHODA
AND JOE ARE DOING
THAT'S SO IMPORTANT?
- I CAN'T TELL.
- CAN'T TELL.
WELL, IT'S OK, DARLING.
YOU WANT SOME MORE CAKE?
- YEAH.
- COME ON INTO THE KITCHEN
AND WE'LL GET IT TOGETHER.
- MRS. MORGENSTERN, I KNOW
WHERE THEY ARE AND I REALLY
DON'T THINK RHODA
WOULD MIND IF I TOLD.
YOU SEE,
TONIGHT'S THEIR LAST NIGHT
BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED,
AND THEIR LAST CHANCE TO
HAVE A DATE.
SO TONIGHT THEY'RE
HAVING THEIR LAST DATE.
All: OH!
- CUTE.
CUTE AS HELL.
- YOU FINISHED?
- YEAH.
- YOU DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING.
- YEAH,
BUT THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT
I HAVE TO WATCH MY WEIGHT.
JOE?
- YEAH.
- LISTEN, UM...
NO.
YEAH, I WANNA ASK YOU--
- GO AHEAD AND ASK ME.
- NO,
NEVER MIND, NO.
- COME ON.
- IT'S HARD.
- WHY SHOULD IT BE HARD
FOR YOU TO ASK ME ANYTHING?
- JOE,
YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME
UNTIL YOU LEARN
TO BE INSECURE.
OK.
I'LL ASK YOU.
JOE, DO YOU HAVE ANY
MISGIVINGS ABOUT TOMORROW?
I MEAN,
ANY SECOND THOUGHTS?
WHY AM I BEING SUBTLE?
IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOU
SCREAMING, "HOW DO I GET OUT
OF THIS?!"
- NO.
- JOE,
YOU CAN TELL ME THE TRUTH.
REALLY, PLEASE,
IT'S ONLY NATURAL.
- OK,
SURE, I'VE HAD A FEW THOUGHTS.
- WHAT?
- BUT IT DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING.
AH, COME ON, HAVEN'T YOU HAD
A FEW MINUTES WHERE YOU WERE
WORRIED WHETHER YOU WERE
DOING THE RIGHT THING?
- NO, NO, NOT ONE.
BUT I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
WONDERING IF YOU'RE DOING
THE RIGHT THING.
- OH, RHODA.
- JOE,
THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T
- KNOW ABOUT ME.
- LIKE WHAT?
- A LOT OF STUFF.
OK, I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
FIRST OFF, I'M NOT
EASY TO LIVE WITH.
I'M OVERLY SENSITIVE.
YOU LOOK AT ME CROSS-EYED,
I GO TO PIECES.
- SO I'LL LOVE REASSURING YOU.
- YOU WON'T KNOW
WHEN IT'S HAPPENING.
SEE, WHEN I FEEL HURT I DO
ONE OF TWO THINGS--I WITHDRAW
OR ATTACK.
AND THE EATING THING,
THE EATING THING.
JOE, SOMETIMES I GO TWO
DAYS STRAIGHT TALKING
OF NOTHING BUT FOOD.
I'M BORING.
I'M A BORING
PERSON, JOE.
NOT TO MENTION MY TEMPER.
OR MY MOTHER.
OR THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO
EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER LIVING
WITH A MAN.
I MEAN,
JOE--THERE'S YOUR LIFE,
JOE GERARD, STRETCHING
OUT IN FRONT OF YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LIVING WITH
A WOMAN WHO IS EITHER CRYING,
OR MAD AT SOMEBODY,
OR TALKING ABOUT FOOD.
ONE TERRIFIC LIFE!
AHH. I REALLY MUST LOVE YOU.
I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU.
- LOOK,
RHODA, EVERYTHING YOU JUST
TOLD ME ABOUT YOURSELF I KNOW.
AND, IT--WELL, YOU
WANNA KNOW A SURPRISE?
- SURE, SURE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE GONNA SAY YOU LOVE
ME FOR ALL THOSE THINGS.
- NO,
SOME OF THOSE THINGS ARE
REALLY A PAIN...
AND SOME
OF MY THINGS ARE A PAIN.
BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE HERE,
BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE.
AND I'VE BEEN AROUND
LONG ENOUGH NOT TO TRY
TO CHANGE SOMEONE.
SO I JUST WANNA ASK
YOU ONE THING.
- SURE, WHAT?
- IF YOU COULD FIX THAT THING
WHERE YOU ATTACK, BECAUSE THAT
REALLY SCARES ME.
- OH,
JOE, I'LL TRY, I SWEAR.
BELIEVE ME, I'M GONNA TRY.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT SOMEBODY
WHO'S GONNA GET "E" FOR EFFORT
IN THIS MARRIAGE.
[SIGHS]
MARRIAGE.
- YEAH, THIS IS MY
LAST NIGHT SINGLE.
- MINE, TOO.
I WAS MORE SINGLE
THAN MOST PEOPLE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
AN APPROPRIATE THING TO DO
TONIGHT, I MEAN, BEFORE WE
GO UP TO SEE YOUR MOTHER?
- WHAT?
- JUST SO WE'RE READY
TO SETTLE DOWN, LET'S SOW
OUR LAST WILD OATS.
[DOOR BUZZER]
- OH!
HERE WE GO.
- HELLO, IS THIS THE
MORGENSTERN RESIDENCE?
- COULD YOU SPEAK UP
A LITTLE, HONEY?
- I AM SPEAKING UP.
- WELL,
THEN MAYBE WE OUGHTA STAND
CLOSER TOGETHER.
- IS RHODA HOME?
- WHO ARE YOU?
- OH, I'M GEORGETTE,
AND I HAVE AN INVITATION TO
THE RECEPTION, AND I KNOW IT'S
NOT UNTIL TOMORROW,
BUT I'M HERE ALREADY.
I WONDERED IF I COULD
HELP WITH ANYTHING.
- OF COURSE YOU CAN.
COME ON IN.
YOU CAN HELP US EAT SOME FOOD.
RHODA WILL BE
THRILLED TO SEE YOU...
WHEN SHE GETS HOME.
- YOU MUST BE SO RELIEVED,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- RHODA TOLD ME THAT IF SHE
WASN'T MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS
35, YOU SAID YOU'D TAKE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF
IN MACY'S WINDOW.
- LOWER YOUR VOICE, HONEY.
EVERYBODY, GEORGETTE,
AND VICE VERSA!
- OH, GEORGETTE!
- HIYA, MARY!
- HELLO!
- HI.
- PLEASE DON'T GET UP.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.
I TELL THEM NOT TO GET UP,
BUT THEY ALWAYS GET UP.
THEN I SAY THAT
AND THEY SIT DOWN.
- GEORGETTE...
WHY DIDN'T YOU
FLY IN WITH US?
- I WANTED TO DRIVE.
- YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY?
- YES,
AND I HAD TO ASK A LOT
OF DIRECTIONS, SO I LEARNED
A LOT ABOUT THE PEOPLE
ALONG THE WAY.
YOU CAN TELL SO MUCH ABOUT
PEOPLE BY DRIVING THROUGH
THEIR STATE.
- OH, LIKE WHAT?
- WISCONSIN PEOPLE
ARE VERY PATIENT.
I GOT LOST THERE FOUR TIMES,
BUT THEY WERE REALLY HELPFUL.
ONE OF THEM GAVE ME
A PIECE OF CHEESE.
ILLINOIS PEOPLE ARE NICE,
EXCEPT FOR SOME MEN AT A TRUCK
STOP WHO KEPT ASKING ME,
"WHAT ARE YOU HAULING, HONEY?"
OHIO...
I DON'T REMEMBER OHIO.
IN PENNSYLVANIA THERE WAS--
- GEORGETTE?
- YES, PHYLLIS?
- YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
DEAR, BUT TRUST ME, THAT IS
NOT AN INTERESTING STORY.
- EVERYBODY, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
All: OH!
- GEORGETTE, HELLO.
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
HOW ARE YOU?
- TERRIFIC.
- OH, GOOD.
- WHEN'D YOU GET IN?
- I JUST GOT IN.
- OH,
BOY, AND DID YOU FLY?
- NO, I DROVE.
IT WAS SUCH
AN INTERESTING TRIP.
- I'LL TELL YOU
ABOUT IT LATER. OK?
- YEAH, SURE.
- SO,
HOW WAS THE BIG DATE?
- YOU KNOW I LOVE
ROMANCE, RHODA.
TELL ME WHAT YOU DID.
- WELL--
- I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
GIRLS, LET'S GO
IN THE OTHER ROOM.
I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS SMOKE.
- YEAH,
IT'S TOO SMOKY, LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
- OH, GOOD!
JUST IN TIME
TO CLEAR THE TABLE.
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- AH!
- YOU ARE GETTING
MARRIED TOMORROW.
- YEAH, MARY.
I SURE AM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS
JUST THINKING ABOUT?
- OF COURSE I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ALL
THE OLD TIMES, WEREN'T YOU?
- THEY WERE GOOD TIMES.
- WAIT.
EVERYTHING DOESN'T
SEEM SO GREAT.
HOW ABOUT SOME OF
THOSE DUMB DATES?
- HI!
HEY, I THINK I'M GONNA SNEEZE!
ACHOO!
DID YOU EVER HAVE A BLIND DATE
MAKE A FUNNIER ENTRANCE?
- HA HA HA. GOSH, NO.
- THIEVES.
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- THIEVES.
LIKE THE LAST GUY.
- ARNIE.
- ARNIE.
- ARNIE, THE EXTERMINATOR.
HE USED TO PICK YOU UP IN
THAT VAN WITH THE PICTURE
OF THE BUG LYING ON ITS BACK,
FEET UP IN THE AIR,
AND A WREATH
ON HIS CHEST.
IT WAS DISGUSTING.
- OH, MARY.
LOOK, EXTERMINATING IS
AN HONORABLE PROFESSION.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT JUST THE JOB.
RHODA, THE MAN WAS ALWAYS
ASKING YOU TO LEND HIM MONEY.
- JUST UNTIL TERMITE SEASON.
- OH.
- AHH.
- ALLOW ME TO
INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M ANOTHER
PERSON IN THE ROOM.
RHODA MORGENSTERN.
- OH,
HOWARD ARNOT, HOW DO YOU DO?
- AND THIS IS MY DATE,
MR. AND MRS. ARNOLD FISHER.
YOU REALLY THINK I'D MAKE
A DEROGATORY REMARK
ABOUT A PERSON JUST
BECAUSE HE'S A SHRIMP?
- YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- THE DRUG STORE'S CLOSED SO I
GUESS I'LL QUIT SMOKING AGAIN.
HI, GOT A CIGARETTE?
- ERIC,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND
RHODA MORGENSTERN.
RHODA, THIS IS ERIC SHRIMP.
- PHYLLIS, BEN AND I
AREN'T GETTING MARRIED.
HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE?
HE'S WITTY.
HE'S ATTRACTIVE.
HE'S SUCCESSFUL.
HE'S SINGLE.
- HE'S GAY!
- FINISHED TALKING ABOUT ME?
- WE WEREN'T
TALKING ABOUT YOU.
- OH, COME ON.
- PHYLLIS!
- WELL, I JUST
FEEL SO EXCLUDED.
I MEAN,
I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY REAL
FUNCTION HERE.
YOU DIDN'T PICK ME
TO BE A BRIDESMAID.
- I'M NOT HAVING BRIDESMAIDS.
- THERE'S ALWAYS
AN EXCUSE, ISN'T THERE?
THE POINT IS I'D REALLY LIKE
TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.
PLEASE?
- WELL,
YOU KNOW, TOMORROW EVERYBODY'S
GONNA BE VERY BUSY,
AND I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA
OF A LIMOUSINE,
SO SINCE YOU RENTED THE CAR,
YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
- SURE!
AND I DON'T MIND
THE INCONVENIENCE!
I THINK IT'S THE LEAST I CAN
DO CONSIDERING ALL THE GREAT
TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER.
- WHAT TIMES WERE THOSE?
- HEY, RHODA,
IT'S AFTER 12:00.
IT'S OUR WEDDING DAY.
- OH,
HOW WONDERFUL!
- I'M SO NERVOUS.
- WILL YOU PLEASE RELAX?
COME ON, STOP WORRYING.
IT'S JUST A WEDDING.
- OH,
SURE, AND SARA LEE IS
JUST A CHEESECAKE.
- THERE. THERE YOU GO.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, BRENDA.
JUST LIKE A PAINTING.
- OH,
YEAH, I CAN EVEN SEE
THE LITTLE NUMBERS.
OH, RHO, I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- OH, WHAT?
- YOUR FIRST WEDDING GIFT.
- OH.
- I FOUND IT IN
A SECOND-HAND BOOKSTORE.
- "A DISCREET MARRIAGE MANUAL
FOR THE DEMURE YOUNG WOMAN."
WHEN WAS THIS PUBLISHED?
- 1900.
- I COULD TELL IT'S OLD.
THEY ONLY LIST ONE
EROGENOUS ZONE.
- AND IT'S NOT
EVEN A GOOD ONE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- WONDERFUL. THANK YOU.
- HELLO, MA.
OH, HI, MARY,
I THOUGHT IT WAS--
OH, SURE, PUT MY MOTHER ON.
PROBABLY TOO SHAKY
TO WORK THE DIAL.
HELLO, MA.
YEAH.
YOU WANNA TALK TO RHODA?
ALL RIGHT, MRS. RHODA.
SHE'S MAKING NERVOUS JOKES.
- HELLO, MA.
GOD BLESS YOU, TOO.
OH, I THOUGHT I'D
WEAR THE WHITE DRESS.
YOU KNOW, THE LONG
ONE WITH THE VEIL.
NOW, MA, PLEASE, I MEAN,
HOW HARD IS IT TO GET
INTO A DRESS, HUH?
SO WHAT IF I SEND BRENDA UP
THERE TO HELP YOU GET INTO IT?
WELL, LISTEN, EVERYBODY'S
GONNA BE LOOKING
AT YOU ANYWAY.
WELL, I FIGURE
IF SOMEBODY JUMPS
UP ON A CHAIR AND HOLLERS,
"WHOOPEE!," THEY'RE GONNA
ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION.
OK.
NO, NO, NO, NO PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IF I NEED ANY LAST
MINUTE STUFF, PHYLLIS CAN HELP
ME OUT WHEN SHE PICKS ME UP.
YEAH.
NOW, MA, PLEASE.
OK, OK.
BRENDA, I'M TELLING YOU
THAT DRESS IS GORGEOUS.
- WELL, IT'S GOT
A LOT OF MILES ON IT.
THIS IS ITS FIFTH WEDDING.
AND IF IT HEARS, "YOU'RE
NEXT" ONE MORE TIME, IT'S
GONNA THROW UP.
- IT LOOKS GREAT.
LISTEN, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ALREADY DRESSED.
YOU'VE GOTTA GO UPTOWN TO THE
BRONX AND HELP MA GET READY.
- SHE'S BEEN
READY FOR 30 YEARS!
- TRUE.
- BUT, OK, RHO.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
- NO ANSWER, HUH?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
RINGING THE RIGHT ROOM?
MRS. LINDSTROM IN 208.
OH, I GUESS SHE MUST
BE ON HER WAY THEN.
NO MESSAGE, THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
- CARLTON, THE DOORMAN.
- YES,
CARLTON, THIS IS RHODA.
NOW, I'M WAITING FOR A BLOND
WOMAN, SLIGHTLY OVER-DRESSED,
A LITTLE TOO MUCH MAKEUP,
LOOKING LIKE SHE'S IN A HURRY.
HAVE YOU SEEN
ANYBODY LIKE THAT?
- SEEN 'EM?
I KICKED THREE OF THEM OUT
OF THE LOBBY LAST NIGHT.
- NO,
NO, CARLTON, THIS IS
A FRIEND OF MINE.
I'M WAITING FOR HER
TO TAKE ME TO MY WEDDING.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
CARLTON, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HELLO?
OH, HIYA, BRENDA.
NO, I'M COMPLETELY READY HERE,
IT'S JUST THAT PHYLLIS IS
VERY LATE.
YEAH, IS ANYBODY THERE YET?
OH, STANDING
ROOM ONLY, HUH?
THEY WEREN'T GONNA MISS
THIS ONE, WERE THEY?
NO, NO.
LISTEN, I'LL CALL YOU
THE MINUTE PHYLLIS GETS HERE
SO YOU KNOW WHEN
WE'RE LEAVING.
YEAH, SO LONG.
CARLTON, YOU STILL THERE?
- HELLO, THIS IS
CARLTON THE DOORMAN.
- YES,
CARLTON, NOW LISTEN TO ME,
PLEASE, CAREFULLY.
NOW THIS BLONDE FRIEND OF
MINE HAS A DARK GREEN CAR.
SHE MIGHT BE HAVING TROUBLE
FINDING A PARKING SPACE.
HOW'S THE TRAFFIC?
- UH, TRAFFIC?
YEP, IT'S OUT THERE.
- LISTEN, I'M GONNA COME DOWN
THERE AND LOOK FOR HER MYSELF.
- OH,
GOOD, IT'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO KISS THE BRIDE.
- CARLTON, THERE'S A BUCK
IN IT FOR YOU IF YOU KEEP
YOUR HANDS OFF THE BRIDE.
SON OF A GUN.
- MARY?
- YES?
- EXCUSE ME.
- MARY,
DO YOU THINK ANYBODY HAS
NOTICED THAT RHODA
ISN'T HERE YET?
- UH,
YES, I THINK THEY ALL KNOW.
I MEAN,
THE CEREMONY WAS SUPPOSED
TO START AN HOUR AGO.
- UH-HUH.
NO, THEY DON'T KNOW.
I'VE DONE TOO GOOD A JOB
OF DISTRACTING THEM.
AND I HAVE TO KEEP IT UP.
UH...
THIS IS RHODA'S BEST
FRIEND, MARY RICHARDS.
MARY, THIS IS JOE'S MOTHER.
- MA,
YOU ALREADY INTRODUCED THEM.
- FOUR TIMES.
- GOOD MEETING
YOU AGAIN, MARY.
- THANK YOU.
MRS. MORGENSTERN, WE ARE ALL
A LITTLE AWARE THAT RHODA
AND PHYLLIS ARE A TINY BIT
LATE, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL BE
HERE ANY MINUTE, AND I REALLY
DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
- MARY,
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.
SO SHUT UP.
- HI, HI!
- AH, PHYLLIS!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GLAD
WE ARE TO SEE YOU.
- MY!
WHAT A RECEPTION!
APPARENTLY, THIS DRESS
IS EVERYTHING THE LADY
AT BERGDORF'S
SAID IT WOULD BE.
- PHYLLIS?
- YES, MARY.
- WHERE'S RHODA?
- I DON'T KNOW,
I JUST GOT HERE.
OH, MY LORD,
I WAS GONNA PICK
HER UP, WASN'T I?
- PHYLLIS, HOW COULD YOU?
- I'M SORRY.
- SHE FORGOT TO PICK HER UP!
- IDA,
DEAR, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW
SORRY I AM, BUT IT JUST
COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T
DO ANYTHING LIKE
THIS INTENTIONALLY.
ANYWAY, RHODA'S SUCH A CLEVER,
RESOURCEFUL GIRL, I JUST KNOW
SOMEHOW SHE'LL GET HERE AND
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE
AND WE'LL ALL END UP
LAUGHING ABOUT IT LATER,
DON'T YOU THINK?
- I'LL KILL YOU.
- [WHISTLE]
TAXI!
TAXI!
TAXI!
TAXI!
HEY, TAXI!
HEY!
HEY, TAXI!
HEY! OVER HERE! CAB!
- HEY, OUT OF
THE STREET, SISTER!
[BRAKES SQUEAKING]
- WELL,
I JUST GUESS I OWE YOU
ALL AN APOLOGY.
ALL RIGHT, I SHOULD
HAVE PICKED HER UP.
IT WAS MY FAULT
FOR FORGETTING.
WELL, YOU KNOW ME, MARY,
OLD SCATTERBRAINED PHYLLIS.
LOU, YOU UNDERSTAND.
I HAD SO MUCH ON MY MIND.
YOU KNOW HOW TRYING IT CAN
BE TO PROPERLY COORDINATE
YOUR ACCESSORIES.
MURRAY, DARLING, YOU OF
ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW
CONTRITE I AM.
AND IF A PERSON IS
REALLY CONTRITE--
JOE, I'M SO SORRY.
GRANDMA, I'M SO SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY, GRANDMA!
WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PLEASURE
OF MEETING YET, BUT PLEASE
FORGIVE ME.
OH, MY HEAVENS!
WON'T SOMEBODY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME?
- I FORGIVE YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- THANK YOU.
- BUT IF I WERE YOU,
I'D GET MY TAIL OUT OF HERE
BEFORE RHODA SHOWS.
[DOOR BUZZER]
- RHODA!
- OHH!
- WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, DOWN IN THE LOBBY,
OF COURSE, WHERE ELSE?
OH, RHODA, I'M SO
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
MA WAS FREAKING.
SHE WAS GETTING READY TO
HAVE ME STAND IN FOR YOU.
YEAH.
YEAH, SHE'S HERE.
HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE.
PHYLLIS, RHODA WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU...
REAL BAD.
- MARY,
WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HER?
- PHYLLIS WON'T COME
TO THE PHONE, RHODA.
YEAH, SURE, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO TELL HER?
RHODA, I COME FROM
A SMALL TOWN IN THE MIDWEST.
I CAN'T SAY THAT.
- I'M FROM THE BRONX, I CAN.
- GO.
UH-HUH. SURE.
- RHODA.
- NEVER MIND, BRENDA,
I'LL TELL PHYLLIS
MYSELF AT THE RECEPTION.
- MARY,
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE PUT ME THROUGH?
- WELL, YOU KNOW PHYLLIS,
SHE WAS JUST--
- DON'T DEFEND HER, MARY.
- I WOULDN'T DO
THAT, NO, NO.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE,
I TOOK THE SUBWAY?
THE SUBWAY, MARY!
THERE WAS THIS ONE WEIRDO,
TRIED TO WRITE GRAFFITI ON ME.
WELL, LISTEN HERE,
THE DRESS IS SHOT.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO WEAR IT AGAIN.
- LISTEN, YOU LOOK
TERRIFIC...CONSIDERING...
EVEN NOT CONSIDERING,
YOU LOOK GREAT.
- HOW'S JOE TAKING THIS?
- IT'S INCREDIBLE, HE'S
THE CALMEST ONE UP THERE.
- OH, NO, IF HE'S CALM,
HE'S REALLY BUGGED.
IT'S LIKE THE DRUM
STOPPING JUST BEFORE
THE INDIANS ATTACK.
- RHODA, ARE YOU--WELL,
I'M VERY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS
WHOLE THING.
- POP,
POP, I'M ALL RIGHT.
- SHE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
- OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN, JUST A COUPLE
OF LAST-MINUTE DETAILS.
THE ACCORDIONIST, HE WANTS TO
KNOW IF YOU WANT HIM TO PLAY
"BECAUSE," THE "WEDDING
MARCH," OR "LADY OF SPAIN."
- OK,
LISTEN, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
- OH,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M JELLY.
I WOULD THINK OF FOOD, RIGHT?
- RHODA!
- I KNOW, KID.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
- OK,
JUST BUZZ THE THING
WHEN YOU'RE READY.
- I WILL.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
ONE IF BY ELEVATOR,
AND TWO IF BY STAIRS.
- YES.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW, HONEY, YOUR MOTHER
AND I WERE TALKING LAST NIGHT.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, THE KIND
OF CONVERSATION YOU HAVE
AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
WHEN YOUR
MOTHER NUDGES ME AND SAYS,
"MARTIN, IS MY CRYING MAKING
IT HARD FOR YOU TO SLEEP?"
WELL, WE'RE A LITTLE
EMOTIONAL, WHAT WITH YOU
GETTING MARRIED
AND EVERYTHING.
WE FELT FRUSTRATED, HONEY.
WE--I DON'T KNOW, WE WERE SO
ANXIOUS TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT
OUR FEELINGS WERE.
- OH, POP, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY A WORD.
- NO,
SO YOUR MOTHER DECIDED IT
WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING IF JUST
BEFORE THE CEREMONY I SAID
SOMETHING TERRIFIC TO YOU.
- OK.
GO AHEAD.
- I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS HOPING AT THE LAST
MINUTE SOMETHING WOULD HIT ME,
BUT IT HASN'T.
- OH,
POP, LISTEN, I KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SAY ANYTHING, REALLY.
AND IT'S SWEET OF YOU
TO BE WORRYING ABOUT IT.
- NO, NO, HONEY, I HAVE
TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
IT'S A FATHER'S DUTY.
AH, FATHERS.
GEE.
FATHERS.
YOU COME HOME LATE FROM WORK,
THE KIDS ARE ALL ASLEEP.
YOU NEVER GET A CHANCE
TO SEE THEM ENOUGH.
BY THE TIME THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH
TO STAY UP LATE SO YOU CAN
SEE THEM, THEY DON'T
WANNA STAY HOME.
AND THEN COMES THE TIME WHEN
YOU CAN'T STAY UP LATE ENOUGH
TO SEE THEM WHEN
THEY COME HOME.
SO, RHODA, I JUST WANNA SAY,
IT'S--IT'S GOOD--
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- OH, POP.
- COME ON,
COME ON, LET'S GO.
- THE ELEVATOR.
- ONE IF BY ELEVATOR!
OK.
RHODA, YOUR BOUQUET!
I LEFT YOUR BOUQUET
IN THE ICE BOX.
YOU WAIT HERE, I'LL GET IT.
- OK.
[ACCORDION PLAYING
"WEDDING MARCH"]
- [WHISPERING]
TELL THEM TO SIT DOWN.
- HI, RHODA!
WHAT'S NEW?
- NOTHING MUCH.
- SAME HERE.
- HI.
- HI.
DON'T SMEAR MY MAKEUP.
- FAMILY AND GUESTS, RHODA AND
JOE HAVE CHOSEN TO WRITE THEIR
OWN WEDDING CEREMONY
AND MARRIAGE VOWS.
- WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE ONE GOD WROTE?
- WE'RE HERE TODAY
TO WITNESS THE MARRIAGE
OF RHODA MORGENSTERN
AND JOSEPH GERARD,
WHO DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE UP
TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME.
THEY JUST WANTED ME
TO SAY THIS...
WHEN TWO PEOPLE LOVE
EACH OTHER, IT'S NATURAL
THAT THEY WANT TO SHARE EACH
OTHER'S LIVES, BECAUSE LOVE
IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
IT DOESN'T SOLVE EVERYTHING.
IT DOESN'T PROMISE EVERYTHING.
IT JUST MARRIES THEM.
NOW, THEY'D LIKE TO SAY
SOMETHING TO EACH OTHER.
- RHODA, LET ME TELL YOU...
NOBODY IN THE WORLD IS
HAPPIER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
- JOE, UH...
YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?
WHATEVER IT IS I'VE
GOT TO GIVE, YOU GOT.
- DO YOU PROMISE TO STAY
TOGETHER, TO GROW TOGETHER,
AND TO TRUST EACH OTHER,
AS LONG AS YOU BOTH
SHALL LOVE?
- I DO.
- I DO.
- BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN
ME BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MARRIED.
[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- OH, THANKS, BREN.
AHH.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE
JUST YESTERDAY YOU MOVED IN.
AND HERE YOU ARE MOVING
OUT TO GET MARRIED.
- YEAH.
WELL, SOMEDAY IT'S GONNA
HAPPEN FOR YOU, BRENDA.
YOU MEET A WONDERFUL GUY,
FALL IN LOVE, DECIDE TO GET
MARRIED, AND BE JUST AS
NAUSEOUS AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, THAT'S JOE FOR THE TRUNK.
LISTEN, CAN YOU--
- I GOT IT.
- THANK YOU.
- HIYA, JOE.
- HI, HONEY.
- HIYA, BREN.
- HELLO, JOE.
MMM, I'M GONNA MISS
THAT AROUND HERE, TOO.
THE LINGERING SCENT
OF AQUA VELVA.
- TRUNK'S READY, HUH?
- YEAH, IT'S ALL READY, JOE.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T I GET
CARLTON TO GIVE YOU A HAND?
- THE DOORMAN?
- YEAH.
- NO,
HE'S REALLY LOADED AGAIN.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN REALLY?
- HELLO?
- UH,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
UH, FROM YOUR LOBBY.
YOU KNOW?
- GOOD,
CARLTON, YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE.
WHAT IS IT?
- THERE'S A STRANGE
WOMAN ON HER WAY UP.
- STRANGE WOMAN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU FIND
OUT WHO IT IS?
- I KNOW WHO IT IS.
IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
- THANKS.
YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE MY
IMAGINATION, BUT I THINK I'M
STARTING TO SMELL SCOTCH
COMING THROUGH THIS THING.
- HEY,
WHAT'S MA DOING HERE?
- SHE'S PROBABLY COMING
TO REOPEN NEGOTIATIONS.
- THERE'S NOTHING
TO NEGOTIATE.
WE DECIDED TO GET MARRIED
QUIETLY IN THE JUDGE'S
CHAMBERS, AND THAT'S IT.
RIGHT, JOE?
- HEY,
IT'S UP TO YOU.
I'M STAYING OUT OF IT.
I'M STILL GETTING OVER
MY FIRST WEDDING.
- BAD, HUH?
- WELL, I KNEW I WAS IN
TROUBLE WHEN THE MINISTER
SAID, "YOU MAY KISS THE
BRIDE," AND SHE SAID, "DON'T
SMEAR MY MAKEUP."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- THERE SHE IS.
- HI, MA.
- HI, RHODA.
- HI, BRENDA.
- HI, MA.
- HI THERE, SON-IN-LAW.
- HI, IDA.
- TELL ME, JOE, ARE YOU
NERVOUS ABOUT SUNDAY?
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOME MEN ON
THEIR WEDDING MORNING WAKE UP
WITH CRAZY THOUGHTS IN THEIR
HEAD, LIKE, "SHOULD I GO
THROUGH WITH THIS?"
LET ME REASSURE YOU,
YOU SHOULD.
- IT'S REALLY GONNA BE
FUN HAVING YOU
FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW, IDA.
- WHY DON'T YOU EVER
TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?
- MA,
WHEN DID I EVER GIVE YOU
THE IMPRESSION THAT I DIDN'T
THINK YOU WERE...FUN?
- OK,
IDA, LET ME GET THIS TRUNK
OUT OF HERE.
- JOE,
LIFT WITH THE LEGS.
DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF
BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RHODA.
- YEAH, BYE, JOE.
- RHO,
I'M GONNA CLEAN SOME OF YOUR
STUFF OUT OF THE
BATHROOM FOR YOU.
- OH,
THANKS, BRENDA, THAT'S GREAT.
- OH,
RHODA, RHODA.
- WHAT?
- TO THINK THAT IN TWO DAYS
MY FIRST BORN WILL BE MARRIED.
- YEAH.
- WHERE ARE YOU
GETTING MARRIED AGAIN?
I KEEP FORGETTING.
- MA, WE HAVE BEEN
AROUND ON THIS
A DOZEN TIMES NOW.
NOW JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT
I AM NOT HAVING A BIG WEDDING.
YOU'D SAVE US BOTH A LOT OF
TROUBLE IF YOU JUST LET ME DO
THIS MY OWN WAY, HUH?
- YOU THINK THIS IS FOR ME?
- MM-HMM.
- FOR ME?
- WELL, FORGET ME.
I'M NOT IMPORTANT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER?
THINK OF HIS FEELINGS.
- I KNOW IT DOESN'T
MATTER TO POP.
- IT DOESN'T MATTER TO POP.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, LITTLE
LADY, THAT JUST THE OTHER DAY
I HEARD THAT POOR MAN SAY
TO YOUR AUNT ROSE, "IF RHODA
DOESN'T HAVE A BIG WEDDING,
THERE WILL BE NO LIVING
WITH IDA."
- BRENDA, DID YOU HEAR THIS?
DO YOU BELIEVE THIS PERSON?
I'M GONNA BE MARRIED IN 48 HOURS
AND SHE IS STILL TRYING
TO CHANGE MY WEDDING PLANS.
- I'M NOT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING.
THE SITUATION HERE IS THAT
I'VE ALREADY DONE SOMETHING.
- IF NOBODY ASKS WHAT,
I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
- WELL,
I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT NOBODY
ASKS WHAT, BECAUSE WHAT I'VE
DONE WOULD BE VERY HARD
TO TELL YOU...
BECAUSE IT'S HUGE.
AND ONLY A MOTHER WOULD
UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE
DONE THIS.
- WHAT? DONE
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- WELL,
SINCE YOU'VE ASKED...
WITHOUT ACTUALLY CLEARING
IT WITH YOU, RHODA,
I HAVE ASKED SOME
PEOPLE UP TO THE APARTMENT
FOR A GET TOGETHER ON SUNDAY.
- OH, BEFORE OR AFTER
THE WEDDING, MA?
- DURING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME GET THIS, PLEASE.
YOU HAVE ACTUALLY PLANNED
A WEDDING FOR ME AT YOUR
APARTMENT, KNOWING THAT I
DON'T WANT A BIG CEREMONY.
- WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER BIG?
- ANYTHING OVER 12 PEOPLE.
- I MAY HAVE OVERSTEPPED.
- HOW MANY, MA?
- NOT COUNTING
MUSICIANS, 79.
- OVERSTEPPED?
YOU ARE...AWE-INSPIRING!
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IN A CRAZY KIND OF
WAY, SHE MAY BE A GREAT WOMAN.
- YOU CAN'T
DO THIS, MA.
YOU REALLY CAN'T.
- YEAH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA FORCE ME INTO THIS.
- I MEAN, YOU CAN DO A LOT,
BUT THIS YOU CAN'T DO.
- NO WAY.
- YOU HAVE REALLY
OVERSTEPPED YOURSELF.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
MA, I'M GONNA HAVE MY MARRIAGE
THE WAY I WANNA HAVE IT,
THE WAY I PLANNED IT
ORIGINALLY, NO MATTER WHAT.
BECAUSE THIS TIME IT ISN'T
JUST ANOTHER DAY IN MY LIFE,
IT'S MY WEDDING DAY,
AND THAT'S IT!
- SO WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?
- WHO ARE WE KIDDING?
RHODA, SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.
- HOW?
MA, I'M GETTING MARRIED
THE WAY I PLANNED.
- OK,
RHODA, YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO
DO, I'LL MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
- SHE'S GONNA GET YOU.
- OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO WITH THOSE 79
PEOPLE AND THE FOLDING
CHAIRS FACING THE MANTEL...
NOT TO MENTION GRANDMOTHER
MORGENSTERN, WHO WHEN I CALLED
HER AT...THE HOME...
TO INVITE HER
TO YOUR WEDDING, SAID THAT SHE
NEVER THOUGHT THAT SHE'D
LIVE TO SEE YOU GET MARRIED.
I JUST HOPE THE
DISAPPOINTMENT DOESN'T...
- [SIGHS]
- SHE GOT YOU.
- YEAH!
OK, MA, OK.
YOU WIN.
YOU'RE STILL THE CHAMP.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH JOE,
WE WILL GET MARRIED
AT YOUR PLACE.
- WHATEVER YOU WANT.
- MARY!
- OH, RHODA!
- OH, MARY!
- HI.
- OH, MARE. OH, WOW.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- OH, WELL!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
COMING IN LAST NIGHT.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
THE MINNEAPOLIS
AIRPORT WAS FOGGED IN.
I WAS THERE FROM 7:00 LAST
NIGHT UNTIL 5 THIS MORNING.
I MUST LOOK AWFUL.
- YEAH,
YOU REALLY DO, KID.
I HATE TO GLOAT, MARE, BUT
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I THINK I LOOK
BETTER THAN YOU DO.
- OH, RHODA!
I REALLY MISSED YOU!
- OH-HO-HO, YOU MISSED ME?
I'VE LOST MY ONLY
LINK TO CLASSY.
- AH!
- I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!
REALLY, MARY.
- OH, BOY.
- MARY,
THIS IS WEIRD, BUT I THINK
I SEE A MAN WEAVING THIS
WAY THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE
LOU GRANT!
AND MURRAY!
HI!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
AH! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
- SORRY WE'RE LATE, RHODA.
WE WANTED TO
FRESHEN UP A LITTLE.
- MURRAY.
- OH,
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RHODA.
- OH, MURRAY, LOU.
- HI.
WOW, LOU, WHAT A HUG!
- THAT IS NO LONGER A HUG.
YOU ARE NOW HOLDING HIM UP.
- WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS DOING HERE?
- WELL,
THEY DROVE ME TO THE AIRPORT
AND WE SAT AROUND TALKING
ABOUT YOU AND THE WEDDING.
- YEAH, AND THEY
GAVE US FREE LIQUOR.
WE TOASTED YOU A FEW TIMES,
AND THEN A FEW MORE TIMES.
- AND THEN MR. GRANT SAID,
"EVERYBODY SHOULD DO AT LEAST
ONE DUMB, CRAZY THING IN
HIS LIFETIME," AND THIS ONE
AGREED, AND--
- AND HERE WE ARE!
- HEY,
IT'S CRAZY, ISN'T IT?
AND I'M NOT A GUY THAT
DOES CRAZY THINGS, RIGHT?
- OH,
BUT I'M SO GLAD YOU DID IT,
BECAUSE NOW THREE OF MY
FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
ARE HERE FOR MY WEDDING.
- SURPRISE!
SURPRISE!
I'M HERE!
- WELL, THREE OUT
OF FOUR AIN'T BAD.
- I'LL GO GET
OUR LUGGAGE, LOU.
- YEAH.
- I HAVE MY CLAIM
CHECKS RIGHT HERE.
- LISTEN,
I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE
AND START PLEADING FOR A CAB.
- NONSENSE.
I RESERVED A CAR,
I'LL DRIVE YOU.
- OH.
- THAT WAY, I CAN POINT
OUT VARIOUS LANDMARKS
OF HISTORICAL INTEREST.
- WAIT, PHYLLIS?
YOU ARE GONNA
SHOW ME NEW YORK?
- ACTUALLY, I WAS
THINKING OF MARY.
YOU CAN SIT IN THE BACK
WITH LOU AND MURRAY AND TALK
ABOUT...SPORTS.
- I JUST REMEMBERED, LOU,
WE DON'T HAVE ANY LUGGAGE.
- I DO.
- MARY MUST HAVE A SUITCASE.
WHERE'S YOUR STUFF, MARY?
- YES,
IT'S WHITE, MR. GRANT, AND IT
HAS MY INITIALS ON IT.
NO, WAIT, I DIDN'T
BRING THAT ONE BECAUSE
THE HANDLE WAS BROKEN.
- I'LL FIND IT NOW THAT YOU'VE
NARROWED IT DOWN FOR ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR A SUITCASE
WITH YOUR INITIALS NOT ON IT.
- I HAVE SEVERAL PIECES,
ALL BROWN!
- YOU BROUGHT EVERYTHING
IN PAPER BAGS, HUH?
- HEY,
YOU WANT ME TO GET
THEM FOR YOU, PHYLLIS?
- OH,
MURRAY, I CAN'T REFUSE
YOU ANYTHING.
- YEAH,
I'LL BE OK, AS LONG AS I DON'T
LOOK AT THAT PART THAT
GOES ROUND AND ROUND.
- HEY,
KID, I'VE GOT SO MUCH
TO TELL YOU.
- YES,
MARY, I DO, TOO.
- PHYLLIS, I JUST SAW
YOU ON THE PLANE.
- I LEAD A VERY FULL LIFE.
- YOU KNOW, PHYLLIS,
I'M REALLY SURPRISED
YOU'RE HERE.
- OH?
- I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IT'S VERY NICE AND I THINK
IT'S TERRIFIC OF YOU TO COME,
BUT I'M JUST
SOMEHOW SURPRISED.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
- COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE FACT
THAT I WASN'T INVITED?
- THAT MIGHT BE IT.
- YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS
ALWAYS BEEN VERY SPECIAL
TO ME, RHODA.
I WOULDN'T DENY MYSELF THE
CHANCE TO MEET THE MAN YOU
FINALLY HOOKED.
I'LL GET THE CAR.
CAN YOU TWO MANAGE?
- WE'LL TRY.
- ALWAYS KEEP
THE CLASP NEXT TO YOU.
YOU'RE IN NEW YORK NOW.
- SO,
TELL ME ALL ABOUT THE WEDDING.
- OK.
WELL, YOU KNOW
THE SIMPLE CEREMONY
IN THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS?
- YEAH.
- OUT.
- WHAT?
- THE ENTIRE SCENE
HAS MOVED UPTOWN
TO MY PARENTS'
APARTMENT IN THE BRONX.
YEAH. AT THIS MOMENT, MY MOTHER
IS CORNERING THE MARKET
IN CHOPPED LIVER.
- AH,
RHODA, YOU'RE GETTING
MARRIED AT HOME.
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
- YEAH.
THERE'S MORE.
MY MOTHER BOUGHT ME
A WEDDING GOWN...
WHITE WITH A VEIL.
- OH.
- YEAH,
IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO TALK
HER OUT OF ADDING A TRAIN
TO BE CARRIED BY FIVE
LITTLE COUSINS.
- LISTEN, I JUST CAN'T
WAIT TO MEET JOE.
IS HE...WONDERFUL?
- THAT'S UNCANNY.
YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM AND YOU
JUST DESCRIBED HIM TO A "T."
LISTEN, IF YOU LIKE
HIS TYPE, LET ME KNOW.
OH, THERE'S A LOT MORE
OF THEM HERE THAN THERE ARE
IN MINNEAPOLIS.
THIS IS WHERE THEY COME FROM.
OH, HERE THEY ARE.
- FOR SOME STRANGE REASON
I FEEL LIKE CALLING
SOMEBODY BWANA.
- BRENDA?
BRENDA, WE'RE HERE.
- HI.
- THIS IS MARY AND PHYLLIS.
THAT'S MY SISTER, BRENDA.
- HI, MARY!
OH, I'VE HEARD SO
MUCH ABOUT YOU.
RHODA DOES NOTHING BUT TALK
ABOUT HOW TERRIFIC YOU ARE!
- OH.
- AND PHYLLIS!
SHE'S MENTIONED
YOU, TOO.
- OH,
BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH,
WHEN YOU CALLED FROM
THE AIRPORT AND TOLD ME THERE
ARE EXTRA PEOPLE, I STARTED
BLOWING THIS UP.
I ONLY HAVE ONE EXTRA BED.
- OH,
WELL, THANKS, BRENDA, BUT I'M
GONNA BE STAYING
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
- PHYLLIS?
- ME?
SLEEP HERE ON A BALLOON?
HA HA.
HA HA. HOW VERY
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
AS IT HAPPENS, I MADE PLANS
TO STAY AT A SMALL, BUT SMART
EAST SIDE HOTEL.
JUST GETTING COURAGE UP
TO GO BACK OUTSIDE.
- GEE,
IT'S A SHAME YOU WENT
TO ALL THE TROUBLE
OF BLOWING THAT UP.
- OH, THAT'S OK.
I CAN ALWAYS USE IT
FOR A DRESS FORM.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
GETTING YOUR COURAGE UP?
- I HAD A SHATTERING
EXPERIENCE JUST NOW,
WHEN I PARKED THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.
- ME?
SHE MEANS ME!
- THE CHILD CAN HANDLE IT.
SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
- I WAS ASSAULTED.
- ASSAULTED!
PHYLLIS!
ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS THAT
A MAN ASKED US FOR A QUARTER
TO BUY SOME SOUP.
- MARY,
YOU SILLY GOOSE, YOU DON'T
BELIEVE THAT'S ALL
HE WAS AFTER, DO YOU?
SOUP WAS JUST TO GIVE
HIM STRENGTH FOR WHAT
HE REALLY WANTED.
THE CITY HAS CHANGED.
IT'S NOT MY GOTHAM ANYMORE.
SUDDENLY, IT'S
A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT.
A PLACE WHERE I CAN WALK INTO
AN APARTMENT HOUSE AND BE
ACCOSTED BY SOME DERELICT
LURKING IN THE LOBBY.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE WORKS HERE.
- WELL,
SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO WALK
ME TO MY CAR.
I REFUSE TO BE ATTACKED
BEFORE I EVEN GET OUT
OF THE BUILDING.
- YEAH,
THERE'S A BETTER SELECTION
OF BUMS ON THE STREET.
OK, I'LL WALK YOU TO
YOUR CAR, PHYLLIS.
- THANK YOU, CHILD.
MARY, RHODA, I'LL
SEE YOU TONIGHT.
THIS IS ALL A FASCINATING
EXPERIENCE.
AND WHO KNOWS?
SOME DAY WE MAY ALL LOOK
BACK ON IT AND SMILE.
- SHE'S EVERYTHING
YOU SAID SHE WAS.
[DOOR BUZZER]
- YES?
- HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, YES.
WHAT'S HIS NAME--JOE--
IS COMING UP.
- MARY, JOE'S HERE.
HE'S HERE.
- OH.
- OH,
I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM.
- OH,
I'M SURE I WILL.
- IF YOU DON'T, I'LL GO NUTS.
- OH, COME ON.
- OH, MARY.
- I MEAN,
I WON'T CALL OFF THE WEDDING
IF YOU DON'T, BUT
I REALLY WANT YOU TO.
- RHODA,
I HAVE A FEELING I'M GONNA
ADORE HIM.
AND I'M GONNA BE SO JEALOUS
OF YOU THAT I'LL
MISERABLE FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
- BOY,
I SURE HOPE SO.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA, WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY?
IS HE ALWAYS DRUNK?
DOES HE EVER DO ANYTHING ELSE?
- JOE, THIS IS MARY.
- HELLO!
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
OH, BOY, WHAT A DAY!
IT STARTED OFF WITH
THE BUILDING INSPECTOR.
THE MORON, HE SAYS,
"UNSAFE, UNSAFE."
I SAID, "OF COURSE,
IT'S UNSAFE!
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
TEARING IT DOWN!"
THAT'S THE KIND OF HALF-WITS
THAT WE GOT WORKING
IN THIS CITY.
IT WAS A MISERABLE, DIRTY JOB.
THAT CLOWN CAME IN AND
HE MESSED UP EVERYTHING.
I GOT MYSELF A PARKING TICKET
AND NOW THAT DRUNKEN DOORMAN
OF YOURS, HE TELLS ME
I'VE GOTTA USE
THE SERVICE ENTRANCE?!
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
A SERVICE ENTRANCE!
I TELL YOU THE PEOPLE IN
THIS CITY ARE GETTING DUMBER
AND DUMBER BY THE MINUTE!
I'VE GOTTA GO WASH UP!
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- OH, RHODA!
TERRIFIC!
- YEAH, COME ON IN,
I'M JUST WASHING UP.
- LISTEN, JOE, I DON'T
CARE WHAT KIND OF A DAY YOU
HAD AT WORK,
THAT IS MY VERY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WORLD STANDING
OUT THERE, AND YOU JUST
ACTED REALLY CRUDDY.
- WHAT DID YOU
EXPECT ME TO DO?
KISS HER HAND?
- NO,
BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAST YOU'D
BE NICE TO HER.
- HEY,
CONSIDERING HOW I FEEL,
I WAS NICE TO HER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
FORGET THAT I'M TICKED OFF
AND DO A WHOLE SOCIAL NUMBER?
- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I EXPECT.
- MARY?
- YES.
- I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO
SAY WELCOME TO OUR FAIR CITY.
- OH,
AND I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO
SAY HOW TRULY WONDERFUL
IT IS TO BE HERE.
- YOU HEARD EVERYTHING
WE SAID IN THE BATHROOM?
- YEAH, SURE DID.
- YOU UNDERSTAND,
YOU'RE BUGGED
ALL DAY ON THE JOB AND...
LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'LL BE OK IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
- HEY, JOE.
YOU'RE OK RIGHT NOW.
- IT'S REALLY NICE
TO MEET YOU, MARY.
- IT'S NICE TO
MEET YOU, TOO.
- HA HA HA.
- UH,
LISTEN, EVERYBODY, THERE'S LOTS
MORE FOOD.
- OH!
- NO!
- I'M STUFFED.
IF I EAT ONE MORE
BITE, I'LL DIE.
- OH,
YOU'RE SWEET TO SAY THAT.
LISTEN, IT WAS AT THIS POINT
THAT MARTIN WAS GOING TO
PROPOSE A TOAST, BUT, AS YOU
CAN SEE, MY RHODA AND JOE
AREN'T HERE YET.
- WHO'S JOE?
- THE GROOM.
- OH, YEAH.
- THEY'LL BE HERE
A LITTLE LATER.
THEY DIDN'T TELL
ME THE REASON.
THEY SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT
AND I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
DOING, DO YOU, MARTIN?
- NO,
SWEETHEART, I DON'T.
LIKE I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT,
I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S HERE
AND WHO ISN'T HERE,
I'M HAVING FUN.
I LOVE JEWISH FOOD!
- WE NEVER THOUGHT
OF STEAK AS JEWISH.
- UH,
BRENDA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT RHODA
AND JOE ARE DOING
THAT'S SO IMPORTANT?
- I CAN'T TELL.
- CAN'T TELL.
WELL, IT'S OK, DARLING.
YOU WANT SOME MORE CAKE?
- YEAH.
- COME ON INTO THE KITCHEN
AND WE'LL GET IT TOGETHER.
- MRS. MORGENSTERN, I KNOW
WHERE THEY ARE AND I REALLY
DON'T THINK RHODA
WOULD MIND IF I TOLD.
YOU SEE,
TONIGHT'S THEIR LAST NIGHT
BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED,
AND THEIR LAST CHANCE TO
HAVE A DATE.
SO TONIGHT THEY'RE
HAVING THEIR LAST DATE.
All: OH!
- CUTE.
CUTE AS HELL.
- YOU FINISHED?
- YEAH.
- YOU DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING.
- YEAH,
BUT THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT
I HAVE TO WATCH MY WEIGHT.
JOE?
- YEAH.
- LISTEN, UM...
NO.
YEAH, I WANNA ASK YOU--
- GO AHEAD AND ASK ME.
- NO,
NEVER MIND, NO.
- COME ON.
- IT'S HARD.
- WHY SHOULD IT BE HARD
FOR YOU TO ASK ME ANYTHING?
- JOE,
YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME
UNTIL YOU LEARN
TO BE INSECURE.
OK.
I'LL ASK YOU.
JOE, DO YOU HAVE ANY
MISGIVINGS ABOUT TOMORROW?
I MEAN,
ANY SECOND THOUGHTS?
WHY AM I BEING SUBTLE?
IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOU
SCREAMING, "HOW DO I GET OUT
OF THIS?!"
- NO.
- JOE,
YOU CAN TELL ME THE TRUTH.
REALLY, PLEASE,
IT'S ONLY NATURAL.
- OK,
SURE, I'VE HAD A FEW THOUGHTS.
- WHAT?
- BUT IT DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING.
AH, COME ON, HAVEN'T YOU HAD
A FEW MINUTES WHERE YOU WERE
WORRIED WHETHER YOU WERE
DOING THE RIGHT THING?
- NO, NO, NOT ONE.
BUT I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
WONDERING IF YOU'RE DOING
THE RIGHT THING.
- OH, RHODA.
- JOE,
THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T
- KNOW ABOUT ME.
- LIKE WHAT?
- A LOT OF STUFF.
OK, I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
FIRST OFF, I'M NOT
EASY TO LIVE WITH.
I'M OVERLY SENSITIVE.
YOU LOOK AT ME CROSS-EYED,
I GO TO PIECES.
- SO I'LL LOVE REASSURING YOU.
- YOU WON'T KNOW
WHEN IT'S HAPPENING.
SEE, WHEN I FEEL HURT I DO
ONE OF TWO THINGS--I WITHDRAW
OR ATTACK.
AND THE EATING THING,
THE EATING THING.
JOE, SOMETIMES I GO TWO
DAYS STRAIGHT TALKING
OF NOTHING BUT FOOD.
I'M BORING.
I'M A BORING
PERSON, JOE.
NOT TO MENTION MY TEMPER.
OR MY MOTHER.
OR THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO
EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER LIVING
WITH A MAN.
I MEAN,
JOE--THERE'S YOUR LIFE,
JOE GERARD, STRETCHING
OUT IN FRONT OF YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LIVING WITH
A WOMAN WHO IS EITHER CRYING,
OR MAD AT SOMEBODY,
OR TALKING ABOUT FOOD.
ONE TERRIFIC LIFE!
AHH. I REALLY MUST LOVE YOU.
I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU.
- LOOK,
RHODA, EVERYTHING YOU JUST
TOLD ME ABOUT YOURSELF I KNOW.
AND, IT--WELL, YOU
WANNA KNOW A SURPRISE?
- SURE, SURE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE GONNA SAY YOU LOVE
ME FOR ALL THOSE THINGS.
- NO,
SOME OF THOSE THINGS ARE
REALLY A PAIN...
AND SOME
OF MY THINGS ARE A PAIN.
BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE HERE,
BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE.
AND I'VE BEEN AROUND
LONG ENOUGH NOT TO TRY
TO CHANGE SOMEONE.
SO I JUST WANNA ASK
YOU ONE THING.
- SURE, WHAT?
- IF YOU COULD FIX THAT THING
WHERE YOU ATTACK, BECAUSE THAT
REALLY SCARES ME.
- OH,
JOE, I'LL TRY, I SWEAR.
BELIEVE ME, I'M GONNA TRY.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT SOMEBODY
WHO'S GONNA GET "E" FOR EFFORT
IN THIS MARRIAGE.
[SIGHS]
MARRIAGE.
- YEAH, THIS IS MY
LAST NIGHT SINGLE.
- MINE, TOO.
I WAS MORE SINGLE
THAN MOST PEOPLE.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
AN APPROPRIATE THING TO DO
TONIGHT, I MEAN, BEFORE WE
GO UP TO SEE YOUR MOTHER?
- WHAT?
- JUST SO WE'RE READY
TO SETTLE DOWN, LET'S SOW
OUR LAST WILD OATS.
[DOOR BUZZER]
- OH!
HERE WE GO.
- HELLO, IS THIS THE
MORGENSTERN RESIDENCE?
- COULD YOU SPEAK UP
A LITTLE, HONEY?
- I AM SPEAKING UP.
- WELL,
THEN MAYBE WE OUGHTA STAND
CLOSER TOGETHER.
- IS RHODA HOME?
- WHO ARE YOU?
- OH, I'M GEORGETTE,
AND I HAVE AN INVITATION TO
THE RECEPTION, AND I KNOW IT'S
NOT UNTIL TOMORROW,
BUT I'M HERE ALREADY.
I WONDERED IF I COULD
HELP WITH ANYTHING.
- OF COURSE YOU CAN.
COME ON IN.
YOU CAN HELP US EAT SOME FOOD.
RHODA WILL BE
THRILLED TO SEE YOU...
WHEN SHE GETS HOME.
- YOU MUST BE SO RELIEVED,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- RHODA TOLD ME THAT IF SHE
WASN'T MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS
35, YOU SAID YOU'D TAKE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF
IN MACY'S WINDOW.
- LOWER YOUR VOICE, HONEY.
EVERYBODY, GEORGETTE,
AND VICE VERSA!
- OH, GEORGETTE!
- HIYA, MARY!
- HELLO!
- HI.
- PLEASE DON'T GET UP.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.
I TELL THEM NOT TO GET UP,
BUT THEY ALWAYS GET UP.
THEN I SAY THAT
AND THEY SIT DOWN.
- GEORGETTE...
WHY DIDN'T YOU
FLY IN WITH US?
- I WANTED TO DRIVE.
- YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY?
- YES,
AND I HAD TO ASK A LOT
OF DIRECTIONS, SO I LEARNED
A LOT ABOUT THE PEOPLE
ALONG THE WAY.
YOU CAN TELL SO MUCH ABOUT
PEOPLE BY DRIVING THROUGH
THEIR STATE.
- OH, LIKE WHAT?
- WISCONSIN PEOPLE
ARE VERY PATIENT.
I GOT LOST THERE FOUR TIMES,
BUT THEY WERE REALLY HELPFUL.
ONE OF THEM GAVE ME
A PIECE OF CHEESE.
ILLINOIS PEOPLE ARE NICE,
EXCEPT FOR SOME MEN AT A TRUCK
STOP WHO KEPT ASKING ME,
"WHAT ARE YOU HAULING, HONEY?"
OHIO...
I DON'T REMEMBER OHIO.
IN PENNSYLVANIA THERE WAS--
- GEORGETTE?
- YES, PHYLLIS?
- YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
DEAR, BUT TRUST ME, THAT IS
NOT AN INTERESTING STORY.
- EVERYBODY, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
All: OH!
- GEORGETTE, HELLO.
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
HOW ARE YOU?
- TERRIFIC.
- OH, GOOD.
- WHEN'D YOU GET IN?
- I JUST GOT IN.
- OH,
BOY, AND DID YOU FLY?
- NO, I DROVE.
IT WAS SUCH
AN INTERESTING TRIP.
- I'LL TELL YOU
ABOUT IT LATER. OK?
- YEAH, SURE.
- SO,
HOW WAS THE BIG DATE?
- YOU KNOW I LOVE
ROMANCE, RHODA.
TELL ME WHAT YOU DID.
- WELL--
- I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
GIRLS, LET'S GO
IN THE OTHER ROOM.
I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS SMOKE.
- YEAH,
IT'S TOO SMOKY, LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
- OH, GOOD!
JUST IN TIME
TO CLEAR THE TABLE.
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- AH!
- YOU ARE GETTING
MARRIED TOMORROW.
- YEAH, MARY.
I SURE AM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS
JUST THINKING ABOUT?
- OF COURSE I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ALL
THE OLD TIMES, WEREN'T YOU?
- THEY WERE GOOD TIMES.
- WAIT.
EVERYTHING DOESN'T
SEEM SO GREAT.
HOW ABOUT SOME OF
THOSE DUMB DATES?
- HI!
HEY, I THINK I'M GONNA SNEEZE!
ACHOO!
DID YOU EVER HAVE A BLIND DATE
MAKE A FUNNIER ENTRANCE?
- HA HA HA. GOSH, NO.
- THIEVES.
- THAT'S THE WORD.
- THIEVES.
LIKE THE LAST GUY.
- ARNIE.
- ARNIE.
- ARNIE, THE EXTERMINATOR.
HE USED TO PICK YOU UP IN
THAT VAN WITH THE PICTURE
OF THE BUG LYING ON ITS BACK,
FEET UP IN THE AIR,
AND A WREATH
ON HIS CHEST.
IT WAS DISGUSTING.
- OH, MARY.
LOOK, EXTERMINATING IS
AN HONORABLE PROFESSION.
- OK, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT JUST THE JOB.
RHODA, THE MAN WAS ALWAYS
ASKING YOU TO LEND HIM MONEY.
- JUST UNTIL TERMITE SEASON.
- OH.
- AHH.
- ALLOW ME TO
INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M ANOTHER
PERSON IN THE ROOM.
RHODA MORGENSTERN.
- OH,
HOWARD ARNOT, HOW DO YOU DO?
- AND THIS IS MY DATE,
MR. AND MRS. ARNOLD FISHER.
YOU REALLY THINK I'D MAKE
A DEROGATORY REMARK
ABOUT A PERSON JUST
BECAUSE HE'S A SHRIMP?
- YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- THE DRUG STORE'S CLOSED SO I
GUESS I'LL QUIT SMOKING AGAIN.
HI, GOT A CIGARETTE?
- ERIC,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND
RHODA MORGENSTERN.
RHODA, THIS IS ERIC SHRIMP.
- PHYLLIS, BEN AND I
AREN'T GETTING MARRIED.
HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE?
HE'S WITTY.
HE'S ATTRACTIVE.
HE'S SUCCESSFUL.
HE'S SINGLE.
- HE'S GAY!
- FINISHED TALKING ABOUT ME?
- WE WEREN'T
TALKING ABOUT YOU.
- OH, COME ON.
- PHYLLIS!
- WELL, I JUST
FEEL SO EXCLUDED.
I MEAN,
I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY REAL
FUNCTION HERE.
YOU DIDN'T PICK ME
TO BE A BRIDESMAID.
- I'M NOT HAVING BRIDESMAIDS.
- THERE'S ALWAYS
AN EXCUSE, ISN'T THERE?
THE POINT IS I'D REALLY LIKE
TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP.
PLEASE?
- WELL,
YOU KNOW, TOMORROW EVERYBODY'S
GONNA BE VERY BUSY,
AND I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA
OF A LIMOUSINE,
SO SINCE YOU RENTED THE CAR,
YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
- SURE!
AND I DON'T MIND
THE INCONVENIENCE!
I THINK IT'S THE LEAST I CAN
DO CONSIDERING ALL THE GREAT
TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER.
- WHAT TIMES WERE THOSE?
- HEY, RHODA,
IT'S AFTER 12:00.
IT'S OUR WEDDING DAY.
- OH,
HOW WONDERFUL!
- I'M SO NERVOUS.
- WILL YOU PLEASE RELAX?
COME ON, STOP WORRYING.
IT'S JUST A WEDDING.
- OH,
SURE, AND SARA LEE IS
JUST A CHEESECAKE.
- THERE. THERE YOU GO.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, BRENDA.
JUST LIKE A PAINTING.
- OH,
YEAH, I CAN EVEN SEE
THE LITTLE NUMBERS.
OH, RHO, I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- OH, WHAT?
- YOUR FIRST WEDDING GIFT.
- OH.
- I FOUND IT IN
A SECOND-HAND BOOKSTORE.
- "A DISCREET MARRIAGE MANUAL
FOR THE DEMURE YOUNG WOMAN."
WHEN WAS THIS PUBLISHED?
- 1900.
- I COULD TELL IT'S OLD.
THEY ONLY LIST ONE
EROGENOUS ZONE.
- AND IT'S NOT
EVEN A GOOD ONE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- WONDERFUL. THANK YOU.
- HELLO, MA.
OH, HI, MARY,
I THOUGHT IT WAS--
OH, SURE, PUT MY MOTHER ON.
PROBABLY TOO SHAKY
TO WORK THE DIAL.
HELLO, MA.
YEAH.
YOU WANNA TALK TO RHODA?
ALL RIGHT, MRS. RHODA.
SHE'S MAKING NERVOUS JOKES.
- HELLO, MA.
GOD BLESS YOU, TOO.
OH, I THOUGHT I'D
WEAR THE WHITE DRESS.
YOU KNOW, THE LONG
ONE WITH THE VEIL.
NOW, MA, PLEASE, I MEAN,
HOW HARD IS IT TO GET
INTO A DRESS, HUH?
SO WHAT IF I SEND BRENDA UP
THERE TO HELP YOU GET INTO IT?
WELL, LISTEN, EVERYBODY'S
GONNA BE LOOKING
AT YOU ANYWAY.
WELL, I FIGURE
IF SOMEBODY JUMPS
UP ON A CHAIR AND HOLLERS,
"WHOOPEE!," THEY'RE GONNA
ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION.
OK.
NO, NO, NO, NO PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IF I NEED ANY LAST
MINUTE STUFF, PHYLLIS CAN HELP
ME OUT WHEN SHE PICKS ME UP.
YEAH.
NOW, MA, PLEASE.
OK, OK.
BRENDA, I'M TELLING YOU
THAT DRESS IS GORGEOUS.
- WELL, IT'S GOT
A LOT OF MILES ON IT.
THIS IS ITS FIFTH WEDDING.
AND IF IT HEARS, "YOU'RE
NEXT" ONE MORE TIME, IT'S
GONNA THROW UP.
- IT LOOKS GREAT.
LISTEN, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ALREADY DRESSED.
YOU'VE GOTTA GO UPTOWN TO THE
BRONX AND HELP MA GET READY.
- SHE'S BEEN
READY FOR 30 YEARS!
- TRUE.
- BUT, OK, RHO.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
- NO ANSWER, HUH?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
RINGING THE RIGHT ROOM?
MRS. LINDSTROM IN 208.
OH, I GUESS SHE MUST
BE ON HER WAY THEN.
NO MESSAGE, THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
- CARLTON, THE DOORMAN.
- YES,
CARLTON, THIS IS RHODA.
NOW, I'M WAITING FOR A BLOND
WOMAN, SLIGHTLY OVER-DRESSED,
A LITTLE TOO MUCH MAKEUP,
LOOKING LIKE SHE'S IN A HURRY.
HAVE YOU SEEN
ANYBODY LIKE THAT?
- SEEN 'EM?
I KICKED THREE OF THEM OUT
OF THE LOBBY LAST NIGHT.
- NO,
NO, CARLTON, THIS IS
A FRIEND OF MINE.
I'M WAITING FOR HER
TO TAKE ME TO MY WEDDING.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
CARLTON, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HELLO?
OH, HIYA, BRENDA.
NO, I'M COMPLETELY READY HERE,
IT'S JUST THAT PHYLLIS IS
VERY LATE.
YEAH, IS ANYBODY THERE YET?
OH, STANDING
ROOM ONLY, HUH?
THEY WEREN'T GONNA MISS
THIS ONE, WERE THEY?
NO, NO.
LISTEN, I'LL CALL YOU
THE MINUTE PHYLLIS GETS HERE
SO YOU KNOW WHEN
WE'RE LEAVING.
YEAH, SO LONG.
CARLTON, YOU STILL THERE?
- HELLO, THIS IS
CARLTON THE DOORMAN.
- YES,
CARLTON, NOW LISTEN TO ME,
PLEASE, CAREFULLY.
NOW THIS BLONDE FRIEND OF
MINE HAS A DARK GREEN CAR.
SHE MIGHT BE HAVING TROUBLE
FINDING A PARKING SPACE.
HOW'S THE TRAFFIC?
- UH, TRAFFIC?
YEP, IT'S OUT THERE.
- LISTEN, I'M GONNA COME DOWN
THERE AND LOOK FOR HER MYSELF.
- OH,
GOOD, IT'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO KISS THE BRIDE.
- CARLTON, THERE'S A BUCK
IN IT FOR YOU IF YOU KEEP
YOUR HANDS OFF THE BRIDE.
SON OF A GUN.
- MARY?
- YES?
- EXCUSE ME.
- MARY,
DO YOU THINK ANYBODY HAS
NOTICED THAT RHODA
ISN'T HERE YET?
- UH,
YES, I THINK THEY ALL KNOW.
I MEAN,
THE CEREMONY WAS SUPPOSED
TO START AN HOUR AGO.
- UH-HUH.
NO, THEY DON'T KNOW.
I'VE DONE TOO GOOD A JOB
OF DISTRACTING THEM.
AND I HAVE TO KEEP IT UP.
UH...
THIS IS RHODA'S BEST
FRIEND, MARY RICHARDS.
MARY, THIS IS JOE'S MOTHER.
- MA,
YOU ALREADY INTRODUCED THEM.
- FOUR TIMES.
- GOOD MEETING
YOU AGAIN, MARY.
- THANK YOU.
MRS. MORGENSTERN, WE ARE ALL
A LITTLE AWARE THAT RHODA
AND PHYLLIS ARE A TINY BIT
LATE, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL BE
HERE ANY MINUTE, AND I REALLY
DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
- MARY,
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.
SO SHUT UP.
- HI, HI!
- AH, PHYLLIS!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GLAD
WE ARE TO SEE YOU.
- MY!
WHAT A RECEPTION!
APPARENTLY, THIS DRESS
IS EVERYTHING THE LADY
AT BERGDORF'S
SAID IT WOULD BE.
- PHYLLIS?
- YES, MARY.
- WHERE'S RHODA?
- I DON'T KNOW,
I JUST GOT HERE.
OH, MY LORD,
I WAS GONNA PICK
HER UP, WASN'T I?
- PHYLLIS, HOW COULD YOU?
- I'M SORRY.
- SHE FORGOT TO PICK HER UP!
- IDA,
DEAR, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW
SORRY I AM, BUT IT JUST
COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T
DO ANYTHING LIKE
THIS INTENTIONALLY.
ANYWAY, RHODA'S SUCH A CLEVER,
RESOURCEFUL GIRL, I JUST KNOW
SOMEHOW SHE'LL GET HERE AND
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE
AND WE'LL ALL END UP
LAUGHING ABOUT IT LATER,
DON'T YOU THINK?
- I'LL KILL YOU.
- [WHISTLE]
TAXI!
TAXI!
TAXI!
TAXI!
HEY, TAXI!
HEY!
HEY, TAXI!
HEY! OVER HERE! CAB!
- HEY, OUT OF
THE STREET, SISTER!
[BRAKES SQUEAKING]
- WELL,
I JUST GUESS I OWE YOU
ALL AN APOLOGY.
ALL RIGHT, I SHOULD
HAVE PICKED HER UP.
IT WAS MY FAULT
FOR FORGETTING.
WELL, YOU KNOW ME, MARY,
OLD SCATTERBRAINED PHYLLIS.
LOU, YOU UNDERSTAND.
I HAD SO MUCH ON MY MIND.
YOU KNOW HOW TRYING IT CAN
BE TO PROPERLY COORDINATE
YOUR ACCESSORIES.
MURRAY, DARLING, YOU OF
ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW
CONTRITE I AM.
AND IF A PERSON IS
REALLY CONTRITE--
JOE, I'M SO SORRY.
GRANDMA, I'M SO SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY, GRANDMA!
WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PLEASURE
OF MEETING YET, BUT PLEASE
FORGIVE ME.
OH, MY HEAVENS!
WON'T SOMEBODY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME?
- I FORGIVE YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- THANK YOU.
- BUT IF I WERE YOU,
I'D GET MY TAIL OUT OF HERE
BEFORE RHODA SHOWS.
[DOOR BUZZER]
- RHODA!
- OHH!
- WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, DOWN IN THE LOBBY,
OF COURSE, WHERE ELSE?
OH, RHODA, I'M SO
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
MA WAS FREAKING.
SHE WAS GETTING READY TO
HAVE ME STAND IN FOR YOU.
YEAH.
YEAH, SHE'S HERE.
HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE.
PHYLLIS, RHODA WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU...
REAL BAD.
- MARY,
WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HER?
- PHYLLIS WON'T COME
TO THE PHONE, RHODA.
YEAH, SURE, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO TELL HER?
RHODA, I COME FROM
A SMALL TOWN IN THE MIDWEST.
I CAN'T SAY THAT.
- I'M FROM THE BRONX, I CAN.
- GO.
UH-HUH. SURE.
- RHODA.
- NEVER MIND, BRENDA,
I'LL TELL PHYLLIS
MYSELF AT THE RECEPTION.
- MARY,
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE PUT ME THROUGH?
- WELL, YOU KNOW PHYLLIS,
SHE WAS JUST--
- DON'T DEFEND HER, MARY.
- I WOULDN'T DO
THAT, NO, NO.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE,
I TOOK THE SUBWAY?
THE SUBWAY, MARY!
THERE WAS THIS ONE WEIRDO,
TRIED TO WRITE GRAFFITI ON ME.
WELL, LISTEN HERE,
THE DRESS IS SHOT.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO WEAR IT AGAIN.
- LISTEN, YOU LOOK
TERRIFIC...CONSIDERING...
EVEN NOT CONSIDERING,
YOU LOOK GREAT.
- HOW'S JOE TAKING THIS?
- IT'S INCREDIBLE, HE'S
THE CALMEST ONE UP THERE.
- OH, NO, IF HE'S CALM,
HE'S REALLY BUGGED.
IT'S LIKE THE DRUM
STOPPING JUST BEFORE
THE INDIANS ATTACK.
- RHODA, ARE YOU--WELL,
I'M VERY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS
WHOLE THING.
- POP,
POP, I'M ALL RIGHT.
- SHE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
- OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN, JUST A COUPLE
OF LAST-MINUTE DETAILS.
THE ACCORDIONIST, HE WANTS TO
KNOW IF YOU WANT HIM TO PLAY
"BECAUSE," THE "WEDDING
MARCH," OR "LADY OF SPAIN."
- OK,
LISTEN, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
- OH,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M JELLY.
I WOULD THINK OF FOOD, RIGHT?
- RHODA!
- I KNOW, KID.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
- OK,
JUST BUZZ THE THING
WHEN YOU'RE READY.
- I WILL.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
ONE IF BY ELEVATOR,
AND TWO IF BY STAIRS.
- YES.
- OK.
- YOU KNOW, HONEY, YOUR MOTHER
AND I WERE TALKING LAST NIGHT.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, THE KIND
OF CONVERSATION YOU HAVE
AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
WHEN YOUR
MOTHER NUDGES ME AND SAYS,
"MARTIN, IS MY CRYING MAKING
IT HARD FOR YOU TO SLEEP?"
WELL, WE'RE A LITTLE
EMOTIONAL, WHAT WITH YOU
GETTING MARRIED
AND EVERYTHING.
WE FELT FRUSTRATED, HONEY.
WE--I DON'T KNOW, WE WERE SO
ANXIOUS TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT
OUR FEELINGS WERE.
- OH, POP, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY A WORD.
- NO,
SO YOUR MOTHER DECIDED IT
WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING IF JUST
BEFORE THE CEREMONY I SAID
SOMETHING TERRIFIC TO YOU.
- OK.
GO AHEAD.
- I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS HOPING AT THE LAST
MINUTE SOMETHING WOULD HIT ME,
BUT IT HASN'T.
- OH,
POP, LISTEN, I KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SAY ANYTHING, REALLY.
AND IT'S SWEET OF YOU
TO BE WORRYING ABOUT IT.
- NO, NO, HONEY, I HAVE
TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
IT'S A FATHER'S DUTY.
AH, FATHERS.
GEE.
FATHERS.
YOU COME HOME LATE FROM WORK,
THE KIDS ARE ALL ASLEEP.
YOU NEVER GET A CHANCE
TO SEE THEM ENOUGH.
BY THE TIME THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH
TO STAY UP LATE SO YOU CAN
SEE THEM, THEY DON'T
WANNA STAY HOME.
AND THEN COMES THE TIME WHEN
YOU CAN'T STAY UP LATE ENOUGH
TO SEE THEM WHEN
THEY COME HOME.
SO, RHODA, I JUST WANNA SAY,
IT'S--IT'S GOOD--
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- OH, POP.
- COME ON,
COME ON, LET'S GO.
- THE ELEVATOR.
- ONE IF BY ELEVATOR!
OK.
RHODA, YOUR BOUQUET!
I LEFT YOUR BOUQUET
IN THE ICE BOX.
YOU WAIT HERE, I'LL GET IT.
- OK.
[ACCORDION PLAYING
"WEDDING MARCH"]
- [WHISPERING]
TELL THEM TO SIT DOWN.
- HI, RHODA!
WHAT'S NEW?
- NOTHING MUCH.
- SAME HERE.
- HI.
- HI.
DON'T SMEAR MY MAKEUP.
- FAMILY AND GUESTS, RHODA AND
JOE HAVE CHOSEN TO WRITE THEIR
OWN WEDDING CEREMONY
AND MARRIAGE VOWS.
- WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE ONE GOD WROTE?
- WE'RE HERE TODAY
TO WITNESS THE MARRIAGE
OF RHODA MORGENSTERN
AND JOSEPH GERARD,
WHO DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE UP
TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME.
THEY JUST WANTED ME
TO SAY THIS...
WHEN TWO PEOPLE LOVE
EACH OTHER, IT'S NATURAL
THAT THEY WANT TO SHARE EACH
OTHER'S LIVES, BECAUSE LOVE
IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
IT DOESN'T SOLVE EVERYTHING.
IT DOESN'T PROMISE EVERYTHING.
IT JUST MARRIES THEM.
NOW, THEY'D LIKE TO SAY
SOMETHING TO EACH OTHER.
- RHODA, LET ME TELL YOU...
NOBODY IN THE WORLD IS
HAPPIER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
- JOE, UH...
YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?
WHATEVER IT IS I'VE
GOT TO GIVE, YOU GOT.
- DO YOU PROMISE TO STAY
TOGETHER, TO GROW TOGETHER,
AND TO TRUST EACH OTHER,
AS LONG AS YOU BOTH
SHALL LOVE?
- I DO.
- I DO.
- BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN
ME BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MARRIED.
[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]