Rev. (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS

GUNSHOT

ANOTHER SHOT

Oh, God!

GUNSHOT

Sorry, vicarage.

Colin, what are you doing?

The crack squirrels.

What? Squirrels on crack.

That one's had 50 quid's worth.

The dealers hide their stash
under the bins, yeah,



for easy access.
Then the squirrels dig them up.

We'll have the firearms unit here.
We'll be on the ten o'clock news.

If I don't take 'em out

these squirrels can get dangerous.
They get cravings.

They get irritable and depressed
and then they attack people.

Look, I've got dead squirrels
on the grass now thanks to you.

But that wasn't me.

I haven't hit any of them yet.

Nah, you see,
no entry or exit wound.

Overdose.

Here she is.

You'll love her.

Who's this? Abigail.

The archdeacon's got a curate who
wants to join me for second curacy.



This is great.
I'll be able to achieve a lot more

with another priest,
push through more of my plans.

Yes, she's pretty, isn't she?

Nice for you to have her
around to help you.

No, Alex, this is good.

I'll be able
to impart some of my wisdom.

Oh, I can see you
imparting your wisdom at her.

Abi is one of our bright stars.

Very able, very, very able.

Highly intelligent, terrific
communicator and a popular touch.

I think she'll really be able
to help Adam out.

It would be good to have someone
to talk to on my level.

Have you read her PhD on neo-orthodoxy
and realistic dialectical theology?

It's impossible to put down.

Was it? Yes.

It's high time
you were a training priest.

Oh, you can help her flourish,
guide her, enable her.

Yes, I bet he will.

And Alexandra, a curate
will be able to cover services

so you and Adam can have some
much-needed quality time together.

Weekend in a boutique hotel.

In that case, I think
she's completely brilliant.

Appoint her immediately.
I'm sure we'll make a great team.

Yes. Thanks for the coffee.

Is that the new curate's book on
neo-orthodoxy and dialectical theology?

Yeah. It's, well, cor...

I'm loving it.

I didn't think
it was that well-structured.

I never quite know
what anagogical means. Do you?

Anagogical?

She mis-uses it a couple of times.

Oh, don't be sour. She's clearly
brilliant. She'll be here any minute.

Bet you the archdeacon's
thrown a dead cat over the wall.

No, she's going to be great for us.

Father Winters had a curate recently
of course, the notorious Karen.

She ran off with his wife.

Well, I'm sure Abigail
won't try and seduce Alex.

Good luck to her if she does.

Hi, you must be Abigail.

You must be Father Adam.
Please, call me Abi.

Nigel.

Hi.

What a beautiful church.

It's an incredible space.
It's got so much potential.

You should see the heating bills.

I love it here already.

I've been looking forward
to meeting you so much.

You've got such
an amazing reputation. Have I?

The archdeacon said you were the
best vicar in London. No. Did he?

He's the best vicar in the country.

Unfortunately we're not
in the country. We're in the city.

♪ Say the bells of Shoreditch. ♪

It's the actual bell. Oh.

Abi, it would be great to get
you doing some bible study groups.

Of course.
And I'm very much here for you

if you want to bounce
ideas around on those.

I'd love to bounce with you.

Er, er, well, I'm just
looking forward to

discovering what you're good at.
Right.

Perhaps Abi could help
you reorganise the vestry.

Get it working properly as an office
like you've always threatened.

Yes, that would be good.
Sure. Happily.

Oh...

We should put all your sermons up
on your website as sound files.

Can you do that?

It should be Twitter linked.

We could link it up
to my followers if you like. Yes.

Have you got those Twitter people?

Mmm. A few hundred cos of my book

but tell me more about the parish,
and what's the five-year plan?

Sorry, the mission action plan.

Er, yeah. Er, Nigel why
haven't we got that written up yet?

Cos you haven't thought about it.
No, I have, thank you.

I imagine you're far too
busy to be distracted by

paper exercises when you
could be out in the parish.

Yes, that's right. No.

Oh, I've got something
I wanted to give you.

I have got two free passes to the
Green Belt Festival next weekend.

Glastonbury for Christians.
You don't do to that?

Yes.

It's really cool and fun.
Trust me. You'll enjoy it.

There's different music
and people talking.

They always have Peter Tatchell.

Haven't you got friends
you'd like to go?

Sure, but I'd like
you to have them.

They gave me comps because I fixed
them Brian Cox as a guest speaker.

It really doesn't
sound like my scene.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I meant for Adam and his wife.

You and Alex
could have a weekend off.

Abi...

Great. Thanks.
Alex will be thrilled.

Er, do you think
you could come into the church

at seven o'clock this evening
and let in the ladies' yoga class?

Yes, sure. Maybe I'll slip a prayer
in just to start things off.

Don't worry, no-one will notice.
I like meditation classes.

It's just fat mums doing yoga.

Abi's lovely, isn't she?

Couple of pints.

Home early to see Alex.

We had a nice chat.

She said I should try and cut down
on the drink and smokes.

Turn me life around.

Right. Good for her.

WE'VE talked about that before,
haven't we?

Yeah, but she really
makes me want to do it.

And, she said I should think
about getting confirmed sometime.

Do you want to get confirmed?

I'm not sure yet.
I need to know more about it.

Have you been baptised?

I'm not sure. Is it likely?

Don't worry, we can do
a conditional baptism either way.

Oh, great.
Let's definitely do the baptism.

Can Abigail do it?

Well, it's my church, Colin.

I'd like to do it.

Oh, OK.

Do you want a squirrel?

What are you doing with them?

The dealers give me two quid
for every one I kill.

Then I sell them on
to Abdul at Kebab Universe.

My round next.

Let the weekend commence.

Can't believe
we've got a weekend away.

What's all this stuff?

Who's coming with us?

I hope Abi can cope without me.

She's a grown curate.

Have you seen the forecast?

Rain and light drizzle and then rain.

Darling, you know what?
I'm knackered.

I'm not sure that I want
to spend the weekend

with 20,000 fellow
Christians in a field

with bad food, bad weather,
pooing in a hole and

nothing but cheap cider
to make it bearable.

How about we just spend the weekend
here together? A stay-cation.

Shut up, Granddad.
I've been looking forward to it.

We'll enjoy it when we get there.
I promise. OK then.

I hate sleeping in tents.

Why have we done this?

It's fun. This is great.

I heard you flush last night.

No, I didn't.

That's cheating.

We said this would be a proper
festival at home so no loo flushing.

Very funny.

♪ Moving on up now

♪ Getting out of the darkness... ♪

If we're doing this properly can you
get some cheap cider from the shop?

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Yes,
my lover, yes.

CHOIR SINGS

♪ I am the Lord of the Dance said he

♪ And I'll lead you all... ♪

Love, peace, justice, tolerance

but above all, hope.

If we can follow the example
of the girl in the story

then maybe we can have
these things in our lives too.

And we can start to have them now.

DOOR SLAMS

Everything OK at the church?

I didn't go to the church.

It doesn't take an hour to buy two
bottles of cider from the corner.

I just put my head in.

Thought I better see
if they could cope without me.

Can they?

Yeah. Yeah.

Abi's very up all the time.

I wouldn't be surprised if
she's manic depressive.

She's energetic
so must be a manic depressive?

No, but there are a lot
of depressives in the church.

She seems incredibly balanced
and competent to me.

More than anyone else
I've met in your world.

I think she's great.
She's got me a weekend with you.

She can be a bit conceited though,
don't you think?

I thought you wouldn't talk about
the church during the festival.

No. OK, we're going to
get back to it.

Now, I want you to queue 20 minutes
for one of these burgers

and then I'm going to make sure
you get food poisoning.

Thanks.

I should have done it
years ago, really.

What will I feel
apart from a wet head?

You'll feel that God
reached out to you with his love.

What does that feel like, then?

Well, on a good day,

that feels like heaven.

I feel at peace.

I feel a real sense
of connection to others. Yeah.

An absence of anything bad.

And there are moments when...

I almost feel like I'm surfing
on a great wave of hope and love.

A bit like doing ecstasy?

No!

And most importantly,

you'll feel part of
a huge, loving family.

So it's exactly like
doing ecstasy, then?

No, it isn't.
What I'm talking about is a permanent

spiritual state that
underpins my entire being.

What you're talking about
is chemical, temporary,

illegal and almost
certainly harmful.

Have you ever taken any drugs?

No. I smoked dope once.

It's great, isn't it?

Have you ever had an E?

No. Oh, you've got to, Adam.
You'd love it.

No, Colin.
I'm not interested in any of that.

Well, what about those
Mexican priests who

get closer to God by
sucking on a cactus?

Peyote? Yeah, they're
very respected those

priests, and they're
always off their tits.

Mind-altering substances aren't
that big in the Church of England.

Apart for drink.

All vicars drink loads.

And you smoke fags.

Them ones are fine.

No, they're not.

Right, I've got to go
and see Abi now.

Oh, lovely Abi. Can I come?

Is it me
or is she a bit full of herself?

No, she's an angel.

She came to the night shelter
and she made two puddings.

You never do puddings. She did
sponge and custard and trifle.

And she washed Goran's feet.

Did she? Yeah.

Isn't it marvellous?

When did you do all this?

I take it all back.

Abi is extraordinary.

What energy she has.

Look at all this.

Finally the room works.

Newsletters here, insurance there,
DAC here, PCC there.

35 sheets a minute from this puppy.

Colour copy, print and scan.

And look at this.

It's on wheels.

You can move it about.

Abi.

What the hell's been going on
while I've been away?

What have I done?

What have you done to the vestry?

I'm sorry.

I thought this was a good thing to
do. You said reorganise the vestry.

No, I didn't!

I did, but not like this.

Rearrange, not restructure.
I don't know where anything is now.

Where's my... Where's my maps
of the diocese for a start?

My pens, where are my pens?

I want it put back as it was.

And how did you pay for all this?

You can't just spend church funds
without talking to me first.

Did a special fundraising thing
in the pub.

Pub church. It was great, Adam.

You can't preach in a pub.

Everybody loved it.
That's why they gave so much.

OK, I'm sorry.

You're absolutely right.

I should have spoken to you first.
It's my mistake.

Would you like me to cancel the
family service that I've got planned?

You can't cancel that, Abs, everyone's
really looking forward to it.

I want to try and grow
the congregation. This looks good.

How was Greenbelt Festival?
Did you have a great time?

Yeah, it was great, thanks. Yeah.

Who did you enjoy the most?

Peter Tatchell talking about
injustice all over the place.

It was a great rally cry.

Peter Tatchell pulled out this year.

He didn't make it.

No, he was definitely there.
I saw him.

Who else did you enjoy?

Beyonce?

Oh, I see.

You didn't go.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Adam Smallbone.

Oh, hi.

Oh, that sounds awful.

How can I help?

It's for you.

Mmm. Hello.

Hi!

I'm very much enjoying
helping Abi develop her skills.

However, although there
are many aspects of her I

admire enormously... her
intelligence, bags of energy...

Get on with it, Adam.
I'm not sure we're a perfect match.

Can't you cope with her?

No, I can.

Is it because she's a woman?

No, it's just we have different...

to be honest,
she can be a bit insubordinate.

Really, what's she done?

For instance, she reorganised
the vestry without asking me.

Oh, no. It's not just that.

She's alienating
several of my congregation.

Who?

I don't want to name names.

Colin? Nigel? No.

Ellie? No. Adoha? No.

Nigel? No. Colin?

Also, she can be very cavalier
with the liturgy.

No, she's a star
and you're very lucky to have her.

Did you read her review of Philip
Pullman's new one in the Church Times?

No. It was superb.

Muscular, perceptive...
it was gripping.

In case you hadn't noticed, Adam,

young, smart, dynamic women
are not exactly queuing

up to join the church as
if it were The X Factor.

Is she like Susan Boyle?

Shut up! She's ten times
the cleric you'll ever be.

People are saying "female bishop",

so I suggest you
just try and get on with her.

Otherwise I fear it could be extremely
deleterious to your ministerial review.

Right.

Can I get out
at these lights, please?

No.

PIANO PLAYS

'Oh, fucking hell, she plays the
piano as well. Of course she does.

'Why have you sent this woman, Lord?

'I should be able to love her
but I can't.

'I'm jealous of her

'because she's cleverer than me
and kind and hardworking

'and she brings the Liturgy alive
and she fills the church.

'I bet she speaks Hebrew as well.

'And Aramaic.

'Why do I find her so irritating?

'It's pathetic.

'It's cos I'm scared, isn't it?

'I'm scared I'll be side-lined.

'She's like a... a cuckoo

'who's also a concert pianist.

'I've got to rise to the challenge.

'I'm going to try and love her.

'Love does not envy.

'I want her to go away.

'Please make her go away.

'Hello.'

I'm a hopeless priest.

I don't inspire anyone.

You do. People are bored with me.
When I see how

people respond to her I
realise they love her.

They look forward to her services.
I bet even God's bored with mine.

No, he's not. You're not boring.

Just because as a child I used to dress
up and pretend to baptise the cat

and Mum and Dad laughed
and clapped at me,

here I am, 30 years
on, still doing it.

But now everyone's
stopped enjoying it.

So I might as well stop.

I was always irrelevant outside my
church and now I'm irrelevant inside it.

Why has God chosen me for this
when I'm no good at it?

I'm sure Abi's service
will be amazing.

Give me some of that, Colin.

"The best service
I've ever, ever been to."

"Much better than yours, Adam."

"She's so talented."

"You're so lucky to have her."

Shot, vicarage! Good shot!

This is quite nice, what is it?

That's one of me specialses,
Colin Brainmasher.

Two parts whisky,
one part ouzo, some mint

and mostly MDMA. What?

Ecstasy.

You'll love it.

I quite often
have an E before the service.

Ecstasy's in this? Yeah.

Colin, I can't believe
you've done that.

How dare you do that?

That's outrageous.

What, what, you can't force feed
people chemical drugs.

What if I die?

What if I have an adverse reaction
and, and, and die?

Should we,
shall we call an ambulance?

Is there an antidote?

What will it feel like?

When, when will it start?

I believe in one God,
the Father Almighty, maker of Heaven,

of Earth,
of all things visible and invisible.

God of God, light of light.

I'm off my tits, Lord!

Colin did it, naughty Colin.

This is...

I'm sorry but this is...

this is wonderful.

Look at the window.
Look at the colours in the window.

So beautiful.

I can feel you.

I love you, Lord.

I love your world
and all the people in it...

and the Milky Way and
all the other parallel

universes that we
haven't discovered yet

and everything else that you've made
that we don't even know about.

The archdeacon.

And...

Abi.

♪ Lord of all hopefulness

♪ Lord of all joy

♪ Whose trust ever child-like

♪ No cares could destroy

♪ Be there at our waking

♪ And give us we pray

♪ Your bliss in our hearts, Lord

♪ At the break of the day. ♪

It's great to have
a family service, Adam.

We've got our "Jesus cures
the leper" colouring sheets.

Steve,
I love having you in this church.

If you ever need anything from me will
you just ask me? Yeah, will you do that?

Will you just ask? Promise you will.

Yes, OK.

Hello, girls.

Come on, girls. Let's find a pew.

I've put out the kids' fairy cakes.

So many people today.

Isn't it wonderful?

It is.

Adoha, you're such a vital part
of this congregation, of my life.

Am I?

I love having you here. Come here.
Ooh!

Hello, you two.

What's going on? Nothing.

I love you.
You look so beautiful today.

Oh, thank you, Adam.

I think he's talking to me, Adoha.

Oh!

What's the matter with you? Nothing.

Oh...

I've had some ecstasy by accident.

What?!

Colin put it in a drink.

You've got to do service.

No, it's OK. Abi's doing it.

Adam, are you happy for me to start?

Wonderful, beautiful Abi, yes,
please start.

In fact,

I'm going to introduce you.

Hey, everyone,

er,

I'm so excited about today's service.

It's so wonderful

to have so many of you here,
due to Abi,

who is a wonderful,
beautiful, special person.

Intelligent, lovely, charming,
clever, wonderful and beautiful,

so come on up here, angel,
and start things off.

You can be the great multitude
who followed Jesus down the mountain

to meet the leper, try and look like a
multitude, whatever that looks like.

Mel, can you pretend to be
the poor leper for me?

You've got like horrible, scratchy
skin, scratchy, oh, scratchy.

Yeah, that's it. That's great.

I'm a leper too.

Look, my fingertips
have dropped off.

Er, OK, I'm Jesus and I heal you.

I'm so sorry. It won't happen again.

Bye, Mel.

What a great service, Abi.

Everyone loved it. Thank you.

It was wonderful.
It had such grace and depth to it.

I'm realising you and I can achieve
great things together here.

I thought you didn't like me.

No, no, no. You mustn't think that.

I think you are the most naturally
gifted priest that I've ever met.

OK, yes, you're right,

I have to confess
I was envious of you

and it's made me feel small
and jealous and nasty and pathetic

and it's ridiculous because
I'm so lucky to have you here.

Can I...

Would you mind if I...?

Oh, no, of course.

Er, it's just that I heard
you were complaining about me.

What? Oh, no.

You said I was insubordinate
and turning people away.

You mustn't think that.

People can misread things.

You complained about me
to the archdeacon, didn't you?

I did a bit.

I was upset to hear you felt that.

I'm moving on, Adam.

I've been asked to become
a Canon of St Paul's Cathedral.

St Paul's?

Right.

Wow!

Good for you. It's funny, isn't it?

All that stuff that
we're supposed to understand

about loving thy neighbour,
it sounds so easy

but actually it's hard, isn't it?

Yeah.

I really need some water now.

Hey, hey.

Adam, what?

Oh, again?

It's 4am.
Twice is enough for one night.

It's night? Yes, it is.

OK, do nice spooning. Night night.

I love you. Yeah.

What's up, vicarage?

It's all right, Colin.

I just feel incredibly sad today
and exhausted and I don't know why.

Is it because Abi's left?

I don't think so.

I very rarely cry.

What day is it?

Er, Wednesday.

Yeah, that's just your E comedown.

Always on a Wednesday for some reason.
Best off drinking through it.

I wish you'd never made me take that
stupid, shameful drug. It's not fun.

I'm really looking forward
to my baptism tomorrow

and being held
in God's palm and everything.

Come on, let's go to t'pub.

You'll be right as rain
in the morning, vicarage, promise.

Come on.

Colin Benson Lambert...

I baptise you,

in the name of the Father...

and of the Son...

and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Thanks.

Ta.