Rev. (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
Adam and Alex host his five-year-old god-daughter Enid whilst her parents attend a wedding. She is precocious and rude but at least she scares off a beggar. Adam and curate Nigel are called upon to scare off a laughing ghost in an old folks' home. Adam is sceptical despite being told that a dentist died of an overdose of laughing gas in the room in question though it could just as well be a fruity old chap pursuing Joan,the room's occupant. Adam gets his biggest scare when Enid goes missing whilst in Joan's care when her father comes to collect her but his prayers for her miraculous recovery are fortunately answered.
Oh... er... errrr...
Oh.
Darling, are you all right?
Yes... mmm.
Mmm.
Mmmm.
Hello, Adam.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
She's gorgeous, isn't she?
It is very hot down there.
Argh!
She's only staying with us
for two days, isn't she?
I know, but she's your god-daughter
and I want to give her a treat.
I'm really excited about it.
We're going to do face-painting
and make-up and glittery nails.
And I thought I could take
her to the city farm,
and we can make perfume,
and do a treasure hunt.
Go to the sandpit.
Bloody hell Alex, well done.
All I'd thought of was
the Imperial War Museum. Mm.
DOORBELL RINGS
That'll be her.
Hello.
Tim.
Hello, mate.
Thanks so much for doing this.
That's her clothes,
and some of her toys,
music... Oh, right.
DVDs, books, iPod.
Bedtime's at eight, if you're lucky.
Worst case, just stick her in front
of Ben 10 and she'll be happy.
No, we won't do that. Alex has got lots
of things planned, face-painting, and...
OK. Ooh!
You'll definitely need Albert,
in case she gets scared.
Paris!
Hello, Enid, darling.
You've grown up, haven't you?
How are you?
Shut up.
I hate you.
MUSIC: "Sunday Shining"
by Finley Quaye
It's actually hotter here than in
St Kitts today, it's 33.4 degrees C.
That's over 92 degrees Fahrenheit.
Has this window ever been opened?
PHONE RINGS
Nigel.
OK.
Nigel!
St Saviour in the Marshes.
Who is it?
Hello, Joan.
Oh, dear, that sounds awful.
No, we don't really do that, Joan.
OK?
OK, yeah. Bye.
I can't sleep with the heat.
I lie there naked
with the sheets thrown off.
Still wake up in a puddle
of wetness.
What does she want?
Joan?
Some weird stuff about seeing a ghost
in her room and wanting an exorcism.
Is she upset?
I suppose.
If she's crying, she's
upset, isn't she?
Well, if she's upset, we
should go round and see her.
She thinks there's a ghost.
You don't believe in ghosts, do you?
No.
She's just moved into a nursing home.
She's feeling very dislocated,
probably psychosomatic.
I see.
Enlightened rationalist approach.
Come on, let's go
and make her feel better.
We'll do a simple house blessing.
Shouldn't we prepare
for the DAC meeting?
That's far more important.
The architect's final
plans have come in.
Everyone's fed up with this
church not having a loo.
Lord knows what they did
in Georgian times. They held it in.
I'm fed up with flogging
it over to the park
or the kebab shop every
time I need a widdle.
We'll make sure we get our loo.
That's for Monday.
Come on. We'll pop next door to Wedmore
House and cheer her up, poor old thing.
I bought these endurance
shorts, lightweight, with
an air-free membrane for
freedom of movement.
Still get sticky in them.
If the place really is
haunted, we'd need to
call the diocesan exorcist.
That's procedure.
But it really isn't haunted.
Have you ever met
the Reverend Donald Cake?
No. I heard he's barking.
He caused £20,000 worth of damage
at the last place he exorcised,
before they discovered the bumps in
the night were a draughty fireplace.
Well, exactly. See? We don't need
Donald's special skills.
We'll say a few prayers for Joan
and bless her room.
That's what people always want.
Bit of ritual.
Placebo prayer. Got you.
Oh, it's blistering, isn't it?
I'm getting a rash.
Here we are, God's waiting room.
Did you know it was built on the site of
London's first dentistry clinic? Mmm.
THEY HUM "THE EXORCIST" THEME MUSIC
THEY ABRUPTLY STOP HUMMING
There she is.
After you.
She's your old woman.
Hello, Joan.
Hello, Alan.
It's not church again, is it?
HE LAUGHS
Shh!
Alan's come to see ME, actually.
It's Adam. Hello, Derek.
Is he your boyfriend?
HE LAUGHS
Don't humour him.
Come on, let's skedaddle.
DEREK CONTINUES TO LAUGH
I hate this place.
I hate the other residents.
They're all so old.
And you won't believe it,
but I think this place is haunted.
I feel a negative presence.
I see things.
I'm sorry, Joan.
Tell me what's been going on.
I've been having these
terrible nightmares.
There's a laughing man
standing over my bed at night.
That sounds horrible.
I've been having nightmares
in the heat, too.
I had a very odd dream last night
about a fireman.
This is real.
I think this... this laughing ghost
wants to hurt me.
That man Derek laughs
a lot, doesn't he?
With his strange laugh.
Does he ever come in here?
No, no, I wouldn't let him.
When the ghost is coming,
there's a banging on the wall.
Then in the morning when I wake up,
all my sheets have been pulled back.
It's as if the laughing man wants
to stare at my naked body.
Naughty ghost.
Oh! OK, Joan.
We'll say some prayers to banish the
ghost and send him to a happier place.
Is it an exorcism?
It is.
Sort of.
It's a blessing to drive away
unhappy spirits.
Visit, we beseech thee,
O Lord, this place,
and drive far from it
all the snares of the enemy.
Let thy holy angels dwell herein
and preserve us in peace,
and may thy blessing be upon us
evermore,
through Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen.
Amen. You are the Devil's concubine.
Begone! I cast you out
in the name of the Lord.
Begone, unclean spirit!
The power of Christ compels you!
Nigel. Nigel...
Please!
Will you leave it to the real vicar?
Brilliant, Nigel.
Thanks for your help.
I was helpful, actually.
The banging will stop.
Her radiator is the notoriously
unreliable Warminster CP3,
and it badly needed bleeding.
What?
You don't believe in ghosts? No.
Are you mad?
I've never seen one.
Well, you've never seen God,
but you believe in him.
But I see God everyday, everywhere.
I see God in... in these butterflies.
I see God in that crisp packet.
You see God in that crisp packet?
OK, maybe not the crisp packet.
What about the Holy Ghost?
Now there's a ghost you believe in.
But that's the Holy Spirit,
that's a term for God's energy.
And believing, for me,
is more like trusting.
I trust in God.
I don't trust in ghosts.
If you'd seen what I've seen, Adam,
you'd believe in ghosts.
I'll tell ya,
I've seen some strange shit.
Have you? What have you seen?
Well...
When this happened to me.
Oh, my God, Colin,
how did you get that?
Shark attack.
A shark attack?
Loan shark.
Mad Tony did this to me when he caught
me banging his wife in a Renault Espace.
I ended up in Salford Royal.
Intensive care.
There was this bloke in the bed
next to me who'd been shot.
Half his brain was hanging out.
One night, I looked over at him,
and these pale, white figures
were standing over his bed,
scary-looking figures,
just staring at him.
Next morning he was dead.
Were they doctors?
Here you go, Enid, darling.
Shall we take your fun horns off
now?
No! I hate you.
There's your supper. Fish fingers,
carrots and chips.
I hate fish fingers.
They're quite nice fish fingers,
Enid, I promise. I just had one. Mm.
Where's Mummy gone?
Mummy's gone for a special weekend
in France for a wedding,
which means that you get to stay
with us for the weekend, lucky girl.
I hate you, and I hate you.
If you eat up all those up,
I'll read you a story after supper.
I hate stories.
DOORBELL RINGS
See, what it is, yeah,
see, what it is, yeah...
I think I'm possessed, vicar. What?
I hear you is doing exorcism now.
No, I'm not.
Oh, man, I'm possessed!
There's a demon inside me.
Oh, here he comes.
Ooooooooh...
HE MAKES GROWLING NOISES
I'm a demon.
I've possessed Mick,
and he will be cursed and go to hell
unless you give him 20 quid.
Demon... 20 quid.
I'm afraid I can't give 20 quid,
because it would mean
that you've won,
and it would encourage you
to do it more.
OK...
I will spin his head right round,
then.
HE MAKES GROANING NOISES
Give him 20 quid. Mick...
If I give you a frozen pizza,
will you go away?
Aargh!
Vicar!
ENID SCREAMS
MICK SCREAMS
ENID SCREAMS
I've decided
we shouldn't have a child.
HE CHUCKLES
Quite right.
What are you doing?
Hello Enid, are you OK?
I'm scared. I want Albert.
Oh.
See?
You're all safe now.
You've got Albert the Dragon
to scare away the monsters.
TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE
He's just here.
Guarding the door, keeping you safe.
Night-night.
Sleep well.
(I hate you.)
Hello, Adam.
Archdeacon. What are you doing?
Having a poo in your loo.
Would you like to have a look?
Must I?
I poo snakes.
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
'Dear lord, why are you
sending me these horrible dreams?
'Is it like when you sent Zachariah
those night visions?
'They represented something,
didn't they?
'I've never understood them,
to be honest,
'but this is just the heat,
isn't it?
'It's certainly making Nigel
grumpier than usual.
'Or...
'..are you trying to tell me
that I'd be a useless father?
'Maybe Alex and I shouldn't be
trying to have a child.
'Is that what you're trying to say?
'I do find Enid incredibly
irritating.
'Mm, something wrong with my teeth.'
How are you finding the place, Joan?
Better?
I don't want to be here any more.
The man visited me again
in the night.
He's still laughing at me.
It's frightening.
You said you'd done an exorcism,
but it didn't work.
Sorry.
Are you absolutely sure the laughter
isn't something else?
Derek?
Playing silly buggers?
No...
Derek died yesterday.
Bless him.
Alan...
Do you think there is a Heaven?
Yes.
If there is, what is it?
It's hard to find words for it or give
it a shape without sounding trite.
But... I do believe
that it's nothing to be scared of.
I don't know what Heaven's like,
Joan.
But I can tell you
that I will stay with you,
and accompany you,
until you get there.
Maybe I'm not going to Heaven.
I've done some bad things.
Shameful.
I've had a lot of sex
with married men.
I think the Lord
will forgive you for that.
He won't if he doesn't exist.
Recorder!
Ugh! Ow! Ugh!
Look, you can play the recorder
later.
I don't have another dress, Enid,
you'll have to wear these. No!
I want to play the recorder! Ohhh.
Oh, look, your lovely
godfather's home from work.
He can play with you now.
Auntie Alex needs some of her
special medicine.
Recorder!
Busy day? Your child.
Recorder!
OK.
There you are.
SHE PLAYS TUNELESSLY
That's very good.
Very... loud.
Enid, if you put your fingers
on the... My recorder!
Yes, that's funny, yeah.
If you put your...
SHE PLAYS HARSH NOTES
Enid.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'm not lingering. Michel Roux
Junior wants to show me his pop-up.
But I hear you've done an exorcism.
No.
RECORDER PLAYS TUNELESSLY
Come in. We've got a child.
Can you buy them now?
Boo.
That's it, run along.
So, did you banish the spirit?
Um... Well, I'm not sure there was
a spirit to be honest. No, really?
You know the terrible history
of Wedmore House, of course?
No. What is the terrible history?
You don't know it?
The terrible history of Wedmore House?
No. Was it an asylum
for insane nuns?
No, your nursing home was originally
London's first dentistry clinic.
Oh, was it?
Yes, it was founded
by a Dr Lambings,
who also, interestingly,
was a pioneer of anaesthesia.
And do you know what happened to Dr
Lambings? Did he get a knighthood?
No, he experimented on himself
with nitrous oxide, laughing gas,
to which he became
chronically addicted.
And they say
the ghost of poor Dr Lambings
still wanders the corridors at
Wedmore House laughing maniacally.
And this is where
you attempted your exorcism.
I admire you for messing with
the dark side, Adam.
With forces beyond
our understanding. Thanks.
You believe in ghosts, don't you?
Well, I don't know, kind of. Do you?
Oh, I do.
Yes, I believe in ghosts.
I've seen things.
Really? Have you?
No, of course not, you idiot.
That story's nonsense.
I just made half of it up.
Oh, I'm not saying there aren't
ghosts, of course.
Who knows?
But given that you haven't a clue
what you're doing,
will you please leave exorcisms
to those who do.
OK, sorry, yes, I will.
Good.
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
DOOR SLAMS
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi, Colin. Hello, Adam.
Got a problem with your microwave?
Thanks, Colin.
I didn't know you were working now.
Yep. Me own business.
Doing very nicely.
Scorcher, isn't it?
This should sort it.
Hang on, mate.
You've cooked your own child.
Adam, she's gone!
Where's Enid gone? You've lost her.
What? No!
You've lost her? Where is she?
You'd be a terrible father.
Yes, a terrible father.
A terrible father!
This isn't a dream.
This is really happening.
ALL: Terrible father!
Aargh!
The doctor will see you now.
Open wide, Adam.
Open wide for me.
Where's Enid?
DRILL STARTS
Is she safe?
What have you done with her?
Ahhh...
Is she safe?
DRILL BLENDS WITH RECORDER NOISE
ENID SCREAMS
OK Tim, no, bad luck. Bloody French.
No, no, no, it's no problem.
Just get here as soon as you can.
Yeah.
Oh, no, she's lovely.
No, we love her.
Yeah, OK. Bye.
HE SIGHS
French are on strike.
Chunnel's closed.
Can we look after Enid until tonight?
That's not good enough.
They'll have to catch a ferry
or swim the Channel.
If I have to try and dress
that child once more,
I will not be responsible
for her injuries.
I'll do it. Can you take her
to work today? What?
I can't take her to church.
I've a really important
meeting with the Archdeacon
and English Heritage so
we can have a loo put in.
You'll have to take
her to that meeting.
Nigel can look after her.
I'm not leaving a child with Nigel.
It's a really important meeting.
We desperately need the loo.
Can't you take her?
I'm going to Pentonville Prison
to try and help a man who murdered
his wife get a room transfer.
RECORDER PLAYS
She's your godchild.
RECORDER PLAYS
Enid...
TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE
Ellie, you must know someone who can
look after her. Albert wants a drink.
Oh, no!
These are vital architect's plans.
You're a teacher, that's what you do,
isn't it, look after kids for people?
No, about two and a half hours.
Let go!
Cos we've got a meeting
with the DAC about the...
Nigel, do not hit... Sorry, I'll have
to call you back. You cannot do that.
She hit me first.
We cannot have this child
in the meeting, or we
will not get our toilet.
It's vital for the church.
I want a wee-wee.
Well, maybe if you
hadn't poured smoothie
all over the plans,
we might get permission to build a
toilet and you could go. BLOWS RECORDER
Young lady...!
Can you take her to the loo in the park?
I don't think so. She's your godchild.
No, wait for me. Wait for me...
Enid. Wash your hands now.
Don't touch me! Leave me alone!
Enid!
SHE SCREAMS
Enid, if you stop screaming,
I'll buy an ice cream.
SHE SCREAMS
Joan!
Hello, how are you?
I escaped from the asylum.
I should be watching Flog It with the
lunatics, but I climbed the wall.
Who's this?
This is my lovely god-daughter, Enid.
You're a sweetheart,
aren't you, darling? Yes.
Yes.
Joan, could you do
me a big favour?
I've got a really important
meeting this afternoon...
And you want me to take her
to the park for you. Come on.
Come on now.
Bastards won't let me
put in a toilet,
simply because it
means removing the
memorial plaque of Sir
Roger de Twatface,
someone who no-one's ever heard of apart
from two bores from English Heritage.
Bastards.
Oh, hi, Tim. Yes, Tim's here.
Tim, how are you? Good trip?
Yes, thanks.
I do hope
Enid wasn't a terrible terror.
No, no.
She's just, um...
I'll just pop and get her.
She's just... at the sandpit
with Adoha.
No worries.
I'll be back in a sec.
Joan, hi, it's Adam.
Er, I'm just on my way
to get Enid from you,
I do hope you get this.
If she's there, could you keep her
with you?
OK, bye.
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Joan, where's Enid?
Joan...? Where's Enid?
Wake up.
Oh, hello. Where's Enid?
Where is she?
I don't know. She was here.
Enid!
Joan, where is she?
Where's Enid?
Enid!
Excuse me, has anyone seen
a little girl called Enid?
Five years old. She was here,
friend of Joan's?
SNORING
Have you seen a little girl
called Enid?
She was here in Joan's room. No.
If you see her, keep hold of her.
Don't let her go. OK.
'Dear Lord, where is she?
'Where is she?
'I've got to find her.
'I'd be a terrible father.'
Enid?
'I know she's an incredibly
annoying, ghastly,
spoilt little girl, but
please make her safe.
'I can't believe I've done this.
'Urgh, I feel sick.'
FAINT LAUGHTER
'I feel sick, I want to vomit.
'Where's she gone?
'What will I say to Tim?
'They'll never forgive me
if their child has been abducted.
'I know she's really annoying,
but I didn't want this.
'What if she's...
'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God,
have mercy on me, a sinner.
'Oh, my god,
maybe the laughing ghost has got her,
'the lunatic drug-addled
maniac dentist of Wedmore House.'
Enid... this isn't funny.
MANIACAL LAUGHTER
Don't be funny.
Enid?
Is that you?
DENTIST'S DRILL SOUND
SOUND DIES DOWN
FAINT LAUGHTER
HE SIGHS
'Thank you, Lord.'
TOY MAKES LAUGHING SOUND
Thanks so much, guys.
You've gone straight
to the top of our
babysitting list now.
THEY LAUGH
Bye-bye.
You have Albert, in case
you get scared in the night.
I can't have him.
Yes, in case
you see the laughing man.
Well, thank you, Enid.
Come on. Bye-bye. Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
'Dear Lord, please don't send me
nightmares tonight.
'I don't know if I believe in ghosts,
'but if you choose to give us
our own child...
'..I'll give them Albert.'
Oh.
Darling, are you all right?
Yes... mmm.
Mmm.
Mmmm.
Hello, Adam.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
She's gorgeous, isn't she?
It is very hot down there.
Argh!
She's only staying with us
for two days, isn't she?
I know, but she's your god-daughter
and I want to give her a treat.
I'm really excited about it.
We're going to do face-painting
and make-up and glittery nails.
And I thought I could take
her to the city farm,
and we can make perfume,
and do a treasure hunt.
Go to the sandpit.
Bloody hell Alex, well done.
All I'd thought of was
the Imperial War Museum. Mm.
DOORBELL RINGS
That'll be her.
Hello.
Tim.
Hello, mate.
Thanks so much for doing this.
That's her clothes,
and some of her toys,
music... Oh, right.
DVDs, books, iPod.
Bedtime's at eight, if you're lucky.
Worst case, just stick her in front
of Ben 10 and she'll be happy.
No, we won't do that. Alex has got lots
of things planned, face-painting, and...
OK. Ooh!
You'll definitely need Albert,
in case she gets scared.
Paris!
Hello, Enid, darling.
You've grown up, haven't you?
How are you?
Shut up.
I hate you.
MUSIC: "Sunday Shining"
by Finley Quaye
It's actually hotter here than in
St Kitts today, it's 33.4 degrees C.
That's over 92 degrees Fahrenheit.
Has this window ever been opened?
PHONE RINGS
Nigel.
OK.
Nigel!
St Saviour in the Marshes.
Who is it?
Hello, Joan.
Oh, dear, that sounds awful.
No, we don't really do that, Joan.
OK?
OK, yeah. Bye.
I can't sleep with the heat.
I lie there naked
with the sheets thrown off.
Still wake up in a puddle
of wetness.
What does she want?
Joan?
Some weird stuff about seeing a ghost
in her room and wanting an exorcism.
Is she upset?
I suppose.
If she's crying, she's
upset, isn't she?
Well, if she's upset, we
should go round and see her.
She thinks there's a ghost.
You don't believe in ghosts, do you?
No.
She's just moved into a nursing home.
She's feeling very dislocated,
probably psychosomatic.
I see.
Enlightened rationalist approach.
Come on, let's go
and make her feel better.
We'll do a simple house blessing.
Shouldn't we prepare
for the DAC meeting?
That's far more important.
The architect's final
plans have come in.
Everyone's fed up with this
church not having a loo.
Lord knows what they did
in Georgian times. They held it in.
I'm fed up with flogging
it over to the park
or the kebab shop every
time I need a widdle.
We'll make sure we get our loo.
That's for Monday.
Come on. We'll pop next door to Wedmore
House and cheer her up, poor old thing.
I bought these endurance
shorts, lightweight, with
an air-free membrane for
freedom of movement.
Still get sticky in them.
If the place really is
haunted, we'd need to
call the diocesan exorcist.
That's procedure.
But it really isn't haunted.
Have you ever met
the Reverend Donald Cake?
No. I heard he's barking.
He caused £20,000 worth of damage
at the last place he exorcised,
before they discovered the bumps in
the night were a draughty fireplace.
Well, exactly. See? We don't need
Donald's special skills.
We'll say a few prayers for Joan
and bless her room.
That's what people always want.
Bit of ritual.
Placebo prayer. Got you.
Oh, it's blistering, isn't it?
I'm getting a rash.
Here we are, God's waiting room.
Did you know it was built on the site of
London's first dentistry clinic? Mmm.
THEY HUM "THE EXORCIST" THEME MUSIC
THEY ABRUPTLY STOP HUMMING
There she is.
After you.
She's your old woman.
Hello, Joan.
Hello, Alan.
It's not church again, is it?
HE LAUGHS
Shh!
Alan's come to see ME, actually.
It's Adam. Hello, Derek.
Is he your boyfriend?
HE LAUGHS
Don't humour him.
Come on, let's skedaddle.
DEREK CONTINUES TO LAUGH
I hate this place.
I hate the other residents.
They're all so old.
And you won't believe it,
but I think this place is haunted.
I feel a negative presence.
I see things.
I'm sorry, Joan.
Tell me what's been going on.
I've been having these
terrible nightmares.
There's a laughing man
standing over my bed at night.
That sounds horrible.
I've been having nightmares
in the heat, too.
I had a very odd dream last night
about a fireman.
This is real.
I think this... this laughing ghost
wants to hurt me.
That man Derek laughs
a lot, doesn't he?
With his strange laugh.
Does he ever come in here?
No, no, I wouldn't let him.
When the ghost is coming,
there's a banging on the wall.
Then in the morning when I wake up,
all my sheets have been pulled back.
It's as if the laughing man wants
to stare at my naked body.
Naughty ghost.
Oh! OK, Joan.
We'll say some prayers to banish the
ghost and send him to a happier place.
Is it an exorcism?
It is.
Sort of.
It's a blessing to drive away
unhappy spirits.
Visit, we beseech thee,
O Lord, this place,
and drive far from it
all the snares of the enemy.
Let thy holy angels dwell herein
and preserve us in peace,
and may thy blessing be upon us
evermore,
through Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen.
Amen. You are the Devil's concubine.
Begone! I cast you out
in the name of the Lord.
Begone, unclean spirit!
The power of Christ compels you!
Nigel. Nigel...
Please!
Will you leave it to the real vicar?
Brilliant, Nigel.
Thanks for your help.
I was helpful, actually.
The banging will stop.
Her radiator is the notoriously
unreliable Warminster CP3,
and it badly needed bleeding.
What?
You don't believe in ghosts? No.
Are you mad?
I've never seen one.
Well, you've never seen God,
but you believe in him.
But I see God everyday, everywhere.
I see God in... in these butterflies.
I see God in that crisp packet.
You see God in that crisp packet?
OK, maybe not the crisp packet.
What about the Holy Ghost?
Now there's a ghost you believe in.
But that's the Holy Spirit,
that's a term for God's energy.
And believing, for me,
is more like trusting.
I trust in God.
I don't trust in ghosts.
If you'd seen what I've seen, Adam,
you'd believe in ghosts.
I'll tell ya,
I've seen some strange shit.
Have you? What have you seen?
Well...
When this happened to me.
Oh, my God, Colin,
how did you get that?
Shark attack.
A shark attack?
Loan shark.
Mad Tony did this to me when he caught
me banging his wife in a Renault Espace.
I ended up in Salford Royal.
Intensive care.
There was this bloke in the bed
next to me who'd been shot.
Half his brain was hanging out.
One night, I looked over at him,
and these pale, white figures
were standing over his bed,
scary-looking figures,
just staring at him.
Next morning he was dead.
Were they doctors?
Here you go, Enid, darling.
Shall we take your fun horns off
now?
No! I hate you.
There's your supper. Fish fingers,
carrots and chips.
I hate fish fingers.
They're quite nice fish fingers,
Enid, I promise. I just had one. Mm.
Where's Mummy gone?
Mummy's gone for a special weekend
in France for a wedding,
which means that you get to stay
with us for the weekend, lucky girl.
I hate you, and I hate you.
If you eat up all those up,
I'll read you a story after supper.
I hate stories.
DOORBELL RINGS
See, what it is, yeah,
see, what it is, yeah...
I think I'm possessed, vicar. What?
I hear you is doing exorcism now.
No, I'm not.
Oh, man, I'm possessed!
There's a demon inside me.
Oh, here he comes.
Ooooooooh...
HE MAKES GROWLING NOISES
I'm a demon.
I've possessed Mick,
and he will be cursed and go to hell
unless you give him 20 quid.
Demon... 20 quid.
I'm afraid I can't give 20 quid,
because it would mean
that you've won,
and it would encourage you
to do it more.
OK...
I will spin his head right round,
then.
HE MAKES GROANING NOISES
Give him 20 quid. Mick...
If I give you a frozen pizza,
will you go away?
Aargh!
Vicar!
ENID SCREAMS
MICK SCREAMS
ENID SCREAMS
I've decided
we shouldn't have a child.
HE CHUCKLES
Quite right.
What are you doing?
Hello Enid, are you OK?
I'm scared. I want Albert.
Oh.
See?
You're all safe now.
You've got Albert the Dragon
to scare away the monsters.
TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE
He's just here.
Guarding the door, keeping you safe.
Night-night.
Sleep well.
(I hate you.)
Hello, Adam.
Archdeacon. What are you doing?
Having a poo in your loo.
Would you like to have a look?
Must I?
I poo snakes.
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
'Dear lord, why are you
sending me these horrible dreams?
'Is it like when you sent Zachariah
those night visions?
'They represented something,
didn't they?
'I've never understood them,
to be honest,
'but this is just the heat,
isn't it?
'It's certainly making Nigel
grumpier than usual.
'Or...
'..are you trying to tell me
that I'd be a useless father?
'Maybe Alex and I shouldn't be
trying to have a child.
'Is that what you're trying to say?
'I do find Enid incredibly
irritating.
'Mm, something wrong with my teeth.'
How are you finding the place, Joan?
Better?
I don't want to be here any more.
The man visited me again
in the night.
He's still laughing at me.
It's frightening.
You said you'd done an exorcism,
but it didn't work.
Sorry.
Are you absolutely sure the laughter
isn't something else?
Derek?
Playing silly buggers?
No...
Derek died yesterday.
Bless him.
Alan...
Do you think there is a Heaven?
Yes.
If there is, what is it?
It's hard to find words for it or give
it a shape without sounding trite.
But... I do believe
that it's nothing to be scared of.
I don't know what Heaven's like,
Joan.
But I can tell you
that I will stay with you,
and accompany you,
until you get there.
Maybe I'm not going to Heaven.
I've done some bad things.
Shameful.
I've had a lot of sex
with married men.
I think the Lord
will forgive you for that.
He won't if he doesn't exist.
Recorder!
Ugh! Ow! Ugh!
Look, you can play the recorder
later.
I don't have another dress, Enid,
you'll have to wear these. No!
I want to play the recorder! Ohhh.
Oh, look, your lovely
godfather's home from work.
He can play with you now.
Auntie Alex needs some of her
special medicine.
Recorder!
Busy day? Your child.
Recorder!
OK.
There you are.
SHE PLAYS TUNELESSLY
That's very good.
Very... loud.
Enid, if you put your fingers
on the... My recorder!
Yes, that's funny, yeah.
If you put your...
SHE PLAYS HARSH NOTES
Enid.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'm not lingering. Michel Roux
Junior wants to show me his pop-up.
But I hear you've done an exorcism.
No.
RECORDER PLAYS TUNELESSLY
Come in. We've got a child.
Can you buy them now?
Boo.
That's it, run along.
So, did you banish the spirit?
Um... Well, I'm not sure there was
a spirit to be honest. No, really?
You know the terrible history
of Wedmore House, of course?
No. What is the terrible history?
You don't know it?
The terrible history of Wedmore House?
No. Was it an asylum
for insane nuns?
No, your nursing home was originally
London's first dentistry clinic.
Oh, was it?
Yes, it was founded
by a Dr Lambings,
who also, interestingly,
was a pioneer of anaesthesia.
And do you know what happened to Dr
Lambings? Did he get a knighthood?
No, he experimented on himself
with nitrous oxide, laughing gas,
to which he became
chronically addicted.
And they say
the ghost of poor Dr Lambings
still wanders the corridors at
Wedmore House laughing maniacally.
And this is where
you attempted your exorcism.
I admire you for messing with
the dark side, Adam.
With forces beyond
our understanding. Thanks.
You believe in ghosts, don't you?
Well, I don't know, kind of. Do you?
Oh, I do.
Yes, I believe in ghosts.
I've seen things.
Really? Have you?
No, of course not, you idiot.
That story's nonsense.
I just made half of it up.
Oh, I'm not saying there aren't
ghosts, of course.
Who knows?
But given that you haven't a clue
what you're doing,
will you please leave exorcisms
to those who do.
OK, sorry, yes, I will.
Good.
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
DOOR SLAMS
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi, Colin. Hello, Adam.
Got a problem with your microwave?
Thanks, Colin.
I didn't know you were working now.
Yep. Me own business.
Doing very nicely.
Scorcher, isn't it?
This should sort it.
Hang on, mate.
You've cooked your own child.
Adam, she's gone!
Where's Enid gone? You've lost her.
What? No!
You've lost her? Where is she?
You'd be a terrible father.
Yes, a terrible father.
A terrible father!
This isn't a dream.
This is really happening.
ALL: Terrible father!
Aargh!
The doctor will see you now.
Open wide, Adam.
Open wide for me.
Where's Enid?
DRILL STARTS
Is she safe?
What have you done with her?
Ahhh...
Is she safe?
DRILL BLENDS WITH RECORDER NOISE
ENID SCREAMS
OK Tim, no, bad luck. Bloody French.
No, no, no, it's no problem.
Just get here as soon as you can.
Yeah.
Oh, no, she's lovely.
No, we love her.
Yeah, OK. Bye.
HE SIGHS
French are on strike.
Chunnel's closed.
Can we look after Enid until tonight?
That's not good enough.
They'll have to catch a ferry
or swim the Channel.
If I have to try and dress
that child once more,
I will not be responsible
for her injuries.
I'll do it. Can you take her
to work today? What?
I can't take her to church.
I've a really important
meeting with the Archdeacon
and English Heritage so
we can have a loo put in.
You'll have to take
her to that meeting.
Nigel can look after her.
I'm not leaving a child with Nigel.
It's a really important meeting.
We desperately need the loo.
Can't you take her?
I'm going to Pentonville Prison
to try and help a man who murdered
his wife get a room transfer.
RECORDER PLAYS
She's your godchild.
RECORDER PLAYS
Enid...
TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE
Ellie, you must know someone who can
look after her. Albert wants a drink.
Oh, no!
These are vital architect's plans.
You're a teacher, that's what you do,
isn't it, look after kids for people?
No, about two and a half hours.
Let go!
Cos we've got a meeting
with the DAC about the...
Nigel, do not hit... Sorry, I'll have
to call you back. You cannot do that.
She hit me first.
We cannot have this child
in the meeting, or we
will not get our toilet.
It's vital for the church.
I want a wee-wee.
Well, maybe if you
hadn't poured smoothie
all over the plans,
we might get permission to build a
toilet and you could go. BLOWS RECORDER
Young lady...!
Can you take her to the loo in the park?
I don't think so. She's your godchild.
No, wait for me. Wait for me...
Enid. Wash your hands now.
Don't touch me! Leave me alone!
Enid!
SHE SCREAMS
Enid, if you stop screaming,
I'll buy an ice cream.
SHE SCREAMS
Joan!
Hello, how are you?
I escaped from the asylum.
I should be watching Flog It with the
lunatics, but I climbed the wall.
Who's this?
This is my lovely god-daughter, Enid.
You're a sweetheart,
aren't you, darling? Yes.
Yes.
Joan, could you do
me a big favour?
I've got a really important
meeting this afternoon...
And you want me to take her
to the park for you. Come on.
Come on now.
Bastards won't let me
put in a toilet,
simply because it
means removing the
memorial plaque of Sir
Roger de Twatface,
someone who no-one's ever heard of apart
from two bores from English Heritage.
Bastards.
Oh, hi, Tim. Yes, Tim's here.
Tim, how are you? Good trip?
Yes, thanks.
I do hope
Enid wasn't a terrible terror.
No, no.
She's just, um...
I'll just pop and get her.
She's just... at the sandpit
with Adoha.
No worries.
I'll be back in a sec.
Joan, hi, it's Adam.
Er, I'm just on my way
to get Enid from you,
I do hope you get this.
If she's there, could you keep her
with you?
OK, bye.
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Joan, where's Enid?
Joan...? Where's Enid?
Wake up.
Oh, hello. Where's Enid?
Where is she?
I don't know. She was here.
Enid!
Joan, where is she?
Where's Enid?
Enid!
Excuse me, has anyone seen
a little girl called Enid?
Five years old. She was here,
friend of Joan's?
SNORING
Have you seen a little girl
called Enid?
She was here in Joan's room. No.
If you see her, keep hold of her.
Don't let her go. OK.
'Dear Lord, where is she?
'Where is she?
'I've got to find her.
'I'd be a terrible father.'
Enid?
'I know she's an incredibly
annoying, ghastly,
spoilt little girl, but
please make her safe.
'I can't believe I've done this.
'Urgh, I feel sick.'
FAINT LAUGHTER
'I feel sick, I want to vomit.
'Where's she gone?
'What will I say to Tim?
'They'll never forgive me
if their child has been abducted.
'I know she's really annoying,
but I didn't want this.
'What if she's...
'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God,
have mercy on me, a sinner.
'Oh, my god,
maybe the laughing ghost has got her,
'the lunatic drug-addled
maniac dentist of Wedmore House.'
Enid... this isn't funny.
MANIACAL LAUGHTER
Don't be funny.
Enid?
Is that you?
DENTIST'S DRILL SOUND
SOUND DIES DOWN
FAINT LAUGHTER
HE SIGHS
'Thank you, Lord.'
TOY MAKES LAUGHING SOUND
Thanks so much, guys.
You've gone straight
to the top of our
babysitting list now.
THEY LAUGH
Bye-bye.
You have Albert, in case
you get scared in the night.
I can't have him.
Yes, in case
you see the laughing man.
Well, thank you, Enid.
Come on. Bye-bye. Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
'Dear Lord, please don't send me
nightmares tonight.
'I don't know if I believe in ghosts,
'but if you choose to give us
our own child...
'..I'll give them Albert.'