Rev. (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

'It's so wonderful to have
some time in this sanctuary.

'This place of silence. To leave
the clamour and the chaos behind

'and be available to something
greater than myself.

'To you, dear Lord.'

'I wonder what's for lunch today.

'Hope it isn't that strange
cauliflower cheese again.

'No, come on, holy thoughts.

'Everlasting God, in whom we live
and move and have our being,

'you have made us for yourself
and our hearts are restless

'until we rest in you.'

'These shoes are very squeaky.'



'I love the fact that this
is a silent order

'and I don't have to talk to her.'

'Look at this beautiful place.'

'I feel more at peace here
than I have for years.'

Retreat!

Dear boy, I've just arrived. I'm
staying in the kennel next door.

What's your place like?
Mine's got death camp chic.

I normally go to that chateau
in Provence, but word's out.

It's fully booked this year.
Bastards.

What DVDs have you got?
I've got Dermot's

A History Of Christianity
or The Killing. What about you?

HE MOUTHS

Are you all right?
Are we allowed to talk now?

Yes, it's a lesser silence before
six o'clock, not a greater one.



Oh, I thought it was
the greater one now.

No, I don't really watch telly
when I'm here.

What have you brought to eat?
A couple of KitKats.

OK, I have got some Assam tea,
cheese...

two hard, one soft, one goat...

pickles, chutneys, potted goose meat,
Iberico ham and a gooseberry roulade.

It sounds like a hamper.

It IS a hamper. We shouldn't be
doing this here, though, should we?

We should be out there
in the community making a mark.

Spreading the word. Telly, radio,
Twitter, the lot.

Yes, yes.

The church just doesn't get front
foot enough. Too much praying.

Not enough action. Oh, Wallander.
What have you brought to drink?

I've got a couple
of Rieslings and a Pic St Loup.

Vodka and tonic.

Gin and tonic.

We may just survive this.

Excuse me.

Look out, mate.

Oh, sorry!

I'm so sorry.
Are you OK? My fault.

If you rush, you'll get it.
Well done.

Paedo!

Oh, Adam!

Hello, Adoha, are you OK?

That little bastard snatched
my bag from me. Oh, I see.

Thank you so much. You are so brave.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No. Yes.

It was an accident.

I saw it happen. You grabbed him
and you wrestled him to the ground.

No. I'm just rushing
to the school.

Yes, you did. Do you think I'm OK?
I... I think so.

Well, er... Have a look at me,
darling.

Yes. No, I'm looking. I... I think
you look very OK. Oh, my hero!

The problem is, they've got
nothing to do, these kids.

There's nothing to inspire them.
My kids?

No, not your kids. Yes, your kids.

When they're in school, it's fine,
of course, their time's full.

But outside school,
what do they do? Just this.

Or they go bag-snatching
off old ladies.

I'm going to do a
trip to the country.

Is this what you came
up with on holiday?

I wasn't on holiday.
It was a retreat.

One of your kids
from the Moorfield Estate

told me that he'd never been outside
London in his life. Isn't that terrible?

Yes.

Some of these kids have never
seen cows. They've seen a cow, Adam.

Some of them haven't.

There was a survey that said that
inner city kids thought that eggs

came from cows.

They've got no idea what cheese is
or where their food comes from.

We'll do a trip to the seaside.

Are there cows there?

There will be cows on the way.

We'll do a trip to
the White Cliffs of Dover.

Oh, suicidal cows.

It's a natural wonder. It'll give
them a sense of British history.

They might even see France.

Come on, this is what I'm here for.
Let's do it.

Are you trying to whisk me
off to the seaside? What?

You know, get me on the back seat?

No. No, no. No. No.

We'll take your 15 most difficult
but deserving children.

I don't think you have any idea
what you're taking on.

I've got an 11-year-old who was just
done for twocking on Saturday.

And I suspect you don't know
what that is?

Of course I know what twocking is.

Alex, have you seen my dog collar?

Alex.

Thank you very much(!)

I can't find any dog collars.

Be really great if you did come
on this trip, because I need

another adult to make up the numbers,
and you've already been CRB-checked.

Oh, you charmer.

And it would be a nice way for us

to spend a day by the seaside.

No, it would A way for us

to be by the seaside.
Not a nice way.

Is that ketchup?
Anyway, I can't take a day off work.

Er, well you don't need to.
It's on Saturday the third.

Not content with having a holiday ...
sorry, being on retreat...

you've now decided you'd like to spend
the one day a week we do have together

in a shit bit of Kent
with 15 of other people's children.

Do you know the last time I had
a weekend with you? Erm...

No, neither do I. Now, why
is that? Oh, yes, that's right...

it's NEVER happened.

I'm sorry. What's the matter?

What's the matter? I'm fed up
with never seeing you.

Listen, Alex...

I'm sick of your congregants
saying, "It's a shame Alex

"couldn't come," like they've got
a Master's in passive aggression,

just because I was busy.

I'm fed up with coming home from work
only to make yet another

mushroom stroganoff for some sodding
church meeting of pedantic bores

who want to sit around for four hours
in my home discussing

how to put in a fire exit
or whatever. Well...

I want to have a child,
because I don't just want to be

a solicitor my whole life.
But you don't shag me enough.

No, now that's not... Is that...?
That's not true.

Yes. This house is permanently
full of people

making unceasing demands
on your time,

because they've got nothing else
in their lives except a need

to organise the latest church event.
Some wank fete I've got to make

sponge fingers for,
because your whole world is obsessed

with correlating excruciating social
events with religious devotion.

SHE LAUGHS

Have you seen the other glove?

I'm not good at making
sponge fingers, Adam.

I don't find it fulfilling.

Yes, I'll come on your cocking trip
to Kentish hell.

Because at least that way,

I get to spend a few hours
with my gorgeous husband. Lucky me.

Come on, this is easy.
We hire a mini bus,

chuck the kids in, off we go.

Chuck the kids in, fasten
their seatbelts, off we go.

Is this because you're a hero now?
What?

Accosting London's bag thieves.
I must say,

I didn't think you had it in you.
What's this?

Defending your parishioners.
Apprehending feral scum...

you're the Big Society in action.
This is ridiculous.

This isn't what happened.
This is nonsense.

HE LAUGHS

No, I want to talk about this
trip to Dover.

On come the red underpants.

Is this something you came up with
on your holiday?

It wasn't a holiday, it was
a retreat. They'll see the seaside,

the White Cliffs, the Channel, this
is gospel work. It's incarnational.

They'll go shop-lifting
and they will take drugs.

No, they won't.

What's twocking?
Do you know what that is?

Oh, it's something unpleasant and
sexual to do with bacon, isn't it?

They won't be allowed
to do that on the trip.

There's a huge number of child
protection and health and safety

considerations with this idea.
Otherwise the children

will get lost, have sex
or get allergic reactions.

Well, what considerations?
Let's go through them.

Well, for a start, the diocese
will require that a child advocate

is appointed. Someone the children
can talk to should any issues

arise involving someone
connected to the church.

Oh, I see. Yes, because as a vicar,
I'm likely to take them

all the way down to Dover just so I
can stick my hands down their pants.

Well, if you do,
the children will need a respected,

appointed member of society
to talk to about it afterwards.

OK, great. Well, let's appoint one.

As long as they're not too annoying.

Adam, my hero. Look.

Now everybody will know
what a hero you are. I wasn't.

I did what anyone would have done.

So modest. That's why I've put you
up for the Pride of Britain Awards.

What? Have you?
A vicar has never won it before.

It's inspiring, isn't it?

Come Christmas, there'll be
little Adam action vicar dolls.

Can I be involved with your trip...
please?

I love the seaside, me.
Maybe if I'd seen the seaside

when I was kid, my life
wouldn't have been so shite.

Um, OK. Well, let me...
let me think about how.

It would be really good for my CV.

Have you thought
how I can be involved yet?

Oh, sorry. Just thinking how
sad it is that our culture's become

so obsessed with its fears that
organising a kids trip is now

a health and safety nightmare.

Except if it was a Catholic trip
to the seaside.

It would be right to be scared,
cos after lunch, all the kids

would be getting the brown glove
treatment in the sand dunes

from the pervy priests.

Can I be a driver of the minibus?

Have you got a driving licence?
Yeah, I've got HGV. Have you? Yeah.

Three years I drove haulage
round Europe. Massive truck.

Real fanny magnet. As long
as the kind of fanny you like

hangs about at an
Italian service station

at 3am with a massive
Adam's apple.

OK, well, if you've got a clean
licence...

I'll think about it.

Oh, great! Magic! I just want
to give something back,

even though I never got anything.

Who's looking forward to our trip
to Dover? Hands up.

Hands up, who's never been
to the seaside before?

Hands up who's seen a cow?

Well, you can see some more on
Saturday and see if they lay eggs.

We're going to see the White Cliffs.

They have an incredible history.

They're a natural wonder.
Yes, Courtney?

Can we go shopping there?
No, it's a cliff. Is it outdoors?

Er, yes. It's outdoors.

I hate outdoors. Unless it's inside
like at Bluewater.

Yeah, and cows stink. Is it
going to stink on this trip?

No, it won't. It'll be great.
A day without your TV and games,

with some military history
thrown in, if you're very lucky.

Well, I'm looking forward to it.

Now, a lady called Adoha
is going to talk to you.

I ain't going on this stupid
trip. You can't make me. Chloe!

Hello, children. My name is
Adoha.

Er, yes? Are you a man?

I gather you want to show some
children a cow?

It's a trip to the White Cliffs of
Dover. They'll have seen cows, Adam.

Some of Ellie's kids live
five to a bedroom.

They have two unemployed parents.

Oh, is this because you're a hero now?
Pulling on tight spandex at night,

slipping out through
the bedroom window and accosting

rough men in dark alleyways. They're
not going to come to church

afterwards, you know, and you'll have
to CRB-check every adult involved.

I know, I'm doing that.

And I'll have to go through the CRB
checks with Graham. Graham?

He's the diocesan
Safeguarding and Management

Risk Assessment Panel
Group Officer.

He's a quite
stunningly dull man.

Makes Nigel look like Bear Grylls.

Nigel! Bear Grylls.

Who's going on this trip?
Er, me and Alex. Alex!

Nigel. Nigel. Ellie. Ellie. Adoha.
Adoha. And maybe Colin.

Well, I'm sure Graham will turn him
down. He always does

if there's even the slightest
whiff of anything improper.

All a criminal record check proves
is that somebody hasn't been caught,

that's all. I'd rather trust my
instincts over some police report

compiled by a pencil-pusher
whose job it is to always say no.

Well, thank goodness. Society can relax.
We've got Adam's instincts to rely upon.

How wonderful! Perhaps we should send
you out to every school and hospital

to tell us who you trust. I think
I'm going to let you out here,

because I'm finding you
incredibly annoying.

Is it safe here?
Trust your instincts.

I ain't babysitting him again.

He's only seven,
he's already a sex pest.

Oh... You're that hero. You're the
hero. Shelley, there's a hero here.

Oh, thanks. No. Not really.

Yeah, you are. If all vicars
were like you, I'd come to church.

We need people like you beating up
the scum. Will you sign my paper?

Have you got a pen?

My mum is going to be so jealous that
I saw the Kung Fu Vicar.

Here, go on, have a free lolly.

For being a have-a-go-hero.
Thanks, Lisa.

See you tomorrow.

I'm just off to go and close down
a criminal gang's hide-out.

Oh, good luck!

Go in peace to love
and serve the Lord.

In the name of Christ, amen.

MUSIC PLAYS

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have an announcement to make.

Adam, darling, can you come back
this way, please? Come on, darling.

You have always been a hero to me.
I am proud to say

soon everyone will know that you are
the bravest vicar in the world.

My nephew's internet campaign
has worked. I am delighted

to announce you have been shortlisted
for the Pride of Britain Awards.

We can all watch you live on TV.

Congratulations. Thank you.

For your heroic action in bringing
criminals to justice.

Congratulations, darling.

Wow! Have you seen these
Pride of Britain nominations?

People do some amazing things, don't
they? A partially sighted salesman

saved an infant from a burning
car wreck

and has now adopted the orphaned
boy. He's in your category.

Let me see.

There's going to be lots
of important people there. Are there?

Richard Curtis, of course.

Sam Cam, Andrew Strauss.
Oh, Carol Vorderman's hosting.

A girl with meningitis confronted
a burglar despite having no arms.

I'm really looking forward to it.
A night out with my hero husband.

I can't go to this,
I don't deserve it. You do.

No, not compared to these people.
You've got to understand,

this incident has been blown
out of all proportion.

What about all the things you do
that go unnoticed?

Think of this as a prize for all
that as well.

This has made me realise I don't
support you enough sometimes.

No, you do. I don't. And I've been
meaning to say, I'm sorry.

When I was ranting
about your job this week.

It's all right. I was in a bad mood.

But I'm really proud
of you, darling.

Not just for this award but
for everything you do.

I'm even looking forward
to your trip to Dover.

Assuming I can get 45 parental
consent, health and safety

and day of departure forms signed.

And I've got to tell the one person
who wants to come that he can't.

Colin's CRB report's in.
39 entries. Including convictions

for sexual harassment, obscene
phone calls and attempted kidnap

on just one weekend.

So now you're my
hero, you're more

physically appealing to
me than ever before.

You've got to understand,
I didn't do anything.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Why don't you come
and not do anything to me over here?

But I really didn't. I...

Oh, shut up. Take your pants off.

Ow! Sorry.

Sexual harassment, obscene
phone calls and attempted kidnap.

I was in love, Adam. What can
I say? She drove me bit nuts.

You know what women are like.

But anyway, that doesn't
matter for this trip,

because it weren't an offence
with a child. Mandy was in her 50s.

Well, we have to take into account
everything you've done, Colin, not...

Are you saying
I can't come to the seaside?

I'm sorry, but the Diocesan Child
Protection Officer won't approve it.

I'm a different person now.

I know that. I'd take you
if I could, but I can't.

I was looking forward to it. You
promised. What about forgiveness

and second chances? You're always
talking about them,

but, actually, there isn't
any forgiveness, is there?

That's the message here.

People think you're some hero.

Well, you're no hero to me.
You're a wank stain.

Oh, is that Captain Underpants?
Gosh, it's hot!

It is. The Pride of Britain hero
no less. Welcome to my club.

Come and perch by me. I want
to talk to you in private.

I've only got an hour
for treatments today.

Seems like a nice place.
Very friendly people.

I thought I might get
a renewing herbal rub-down.

Well, if you,
I'd recommend Claudio.

If you ask him to,
he can go very firm and deep.

Maybe you'll get a hero's discount.

Oh, hello, Roland!

Oh, I'm so glad you took my advice
about getting out in the media more.

Now, I've been talking
to the award organisers

and I suspect you may in fact be
winning in your category tomorrow.

Oh, right.

So I don't want you to go messing
it up. The media time alone

is worth 430 grand, plus the
incalculable benefit of the public

perceiving vicars to be heroes.

The problem is I didn't
actually do anything.

No doubt, but this is a great
platform for the church.

I'll be there personally to guide
you through the interviews.

Right. You'll feel my firm
hand right behind you.

Have you got an outfit?

A decent suit.
I've never seen you in one.

Er, I'll get one.

In your acceptance speech,
don't forget to thank everybody,

especially God
and the little lady at home.

And, Roland, what are we going
to do about his hair?

It's my hair. It's fine.

Mm... No, it's not. I'll see you
at the Grosvenor.

I need to get going now. I've got
tickets to watch David Hare

read some of his emails
at the National.

Do you want to borrow my loofah?

Er, no, thanks.

Thank you so much. Thank you,
Carol. Thank you, Britain.

When I... when I look at
the other nominees, in many ways,

I don't feel that deserving.

Erm...

'I can't do this. This is wrong.
Why have you engineered this, Lord?

'I didn't do anything.
You know it, I know it...

'..well, just you and I know it.

'But it has been quite nice.

'People respect me more,
and it's been wonderful with Alex.

'She's been a bit down
recently, but she's really

enjoying being my wife
since the nomination.

'National television,
millions of viewers.

'I'm a hero vicar. Maybe I better
just accept this award,

'is that what you want? Yes?
Seems to be what everyone wants.

'Yes.'

Adam. Adam.

Adam, the Bishop. The Bishop.
What's the matter?

The Bishop of London's here.

Oh, hello. I'm looking for the
Reverend Adam Smallbone. That's him.

That's me. Oh, I'm
so glad. I'm happy to meet you.

I was just passing and I thought
I'd pop in and have a look

at the cradle of heroism.
Meet the man of courage inside.

Can I just say,
on behalf of all of us,

that I think you are doing
a wonderful job at the moment.

Thank you. And I...

I've read all of your books
about how to pray

and even the one about how to
pass your GCSE Religious Studies.

Thank you. I couldn't possible
have a cup of tea? Would you mind?

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.

Shall we?

I hope you don't
feel imposed upon.

It's so lovely to have a positive
story come across my desk.

And I hear you run a wonderful church,
when you're not making headlines.

Well, no, yes, I try.

It's so inspiring.
You took this mugger on?

It's just so physically courageous.
Incredible, really.

I actually don't deserve
any of this. Really?

Tell me what happened.

Well, er, I was out on the street,

and this thief snatched this
lady's bag and ran off with it.

Ah-ha. And collided with me.
Ran into me, really.

I see,
and that's when you fought him?

Well, no, no.
We-we-we both fell down.

And then you used
your fighting skills?

Not really.

And then what happened?

And then I helped him onto a bus.

So you see it's all a mistake,

because nothing really happened...
at all.

It's a lie.

And now I'm about to be given
an award for heroism.

I see. You've got yourself
into a bit of a pickle, haven't you?

The reality is I can barely run
a school trip to the seaside,

cos the admin defeats me.

I'm going to have to decline
the award, aren't I?

Or should I accept it? Because it has
done quite a lot of good in some ways.

People want to believe
in a good vicar, don't they?

Yes.

You're absolutely right,
I can't accept it.

No, I'll go to
the awards dinner and decline it.

Set the record straight.

But if you're going to
decline it, wouldn't

you want to decline
it beforehand?

OK, yes. I'll... I'll do that.

It's just that I did promise
my wife a night out

and that I'd get Carol
Vorderman's autograph for Nigel.

Maybe I could just go to the
pre-drinks reception with Alex,

because she does deserve...
No, that's...

People are going
to be so disappointed.

Yes. You're going to have
to tell the truth.

And that's where
your courage will really be shown.

Gloriam praecedit humilitas.

Yes.

Glory before humility.

Well... before glory goes humility.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Yes, that's what I think.

Good luck with your school trip.
Yes. Thanks.

Where is he?

Has he gone?

Oh, buggeration!

Adam, I am so angry with you.

I had the whole family
gathered round the telly.

The one time I could have worn
a dress and had a night out.

Oh, come on.
Forget about the stupid awards.

We're taking away these kids for a
day trip. It's far more important.

Oh, sorry I'm late, Adam.

Have you got all 45 of the
parental consent forms?

Nigel,
what have you done to your arm?

I fell over pulling my socks on.
It sounds stupid, I know,

but actually three people
a year die this way.

Eight people lose an
eye opening champagne.

Where are these kids, anyway?
I hate to say it, Adam.

I think they're going
to be a no show.

No, look. Here's a couple.

Chloe, Courtney, you came!

Nothing better to do. Great. That's
the spirit. Anyone else coming?

Dunno.

OK, well, two of you is better
than none. Educate one life,

you educate the world in time.

GIRLS LAUGH

Hang on, hang on.
Got any space? Colin.

Get on, Colin. Come as one of the kids.
Magic. Got tinnies for everyone.

Do not try to set fire to me,
you little tike.

COLIN LAUGHS

These kids are awful, aren't they?

Yeah, we shouldn't have kids.
It's a terrible idea

if they're anything like this.
Yeah, it's a terrible idea.