Rev. (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
The archdeacon visits the church on a Sunday when there are only five people present. Adam prays for a miracle,which seems to come in the form of Darren, a charismatic evangelist who brings his three figure congregation from St. James,which is being renovated - along with white sofas, fruit smoothies and a rapper. Darren goes down a storm and contributes ten grand to St. Saviors' funds but Adam believes he is just a showman and refuses to let him preach again in his church. Colin inadvertently saves the day by getting over-excited about one of Darren's lady helpers.
This programme contains adult humour
Welcome to St Saviour's on this
rather cold Sunday morning.
It's nice to see so many faces
here today who are so familiar.
The Lord be with you.
And also with you.
Almighty God, to whom all hearts
are open, all desires known,
and from whom no secrets are hidden,
cleanse the thoughts
of our hearts by the inspiration
of your Holy Spirit,
that we may perfectly love you
and worthily magnify your Holy Name.
Through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Amen.
I thought the sermon was
electrifying today, Adam.
It gave me shivers.
Thank you, Adoha.
It's hard to be rousing
when there's only five of you.
Can I have a word with you, Adam?
Hello, Archdeacon, how nice to
see you. I wasn't expecting you.
I'm a bit worried about you,
Adam, is everything OK?
Yes, yes, yes. Where is...
everyone?
Where's your congregation?
Oh, I see. Er, well, Colin and
Adoha are over there, and....
Good morning, Archdeacon Robert.
Yes, where is everyone today, Nigel?
Oh, yes, it's an upsettingly
small turnout today.
Is there a Tube strike on? No.
Alex is at the police station?
Oh, yeah. Well, that's one.
Yes. Er, Olanna has gone to
the Primark sale.
Steve Warwick's taken his daughters
to gymnastics, Mike Swan has a
cheese stall at the Farmers' Market.
Margaret's gone
to visit her mother...
Nigel, I don't need the individual
GPS location of every single
member of your congregation.
Unfortunately, Archdeacon,
the reality is sometimes
people just...don't come.
You're late paying
your Parish share again.
There's another cheque on the way.
Is there? What was your congregation
plate this morning? Mm, £60.
You mean 20.
No, no, it was much more
than that, it was, er...40?
It was £24.07.
I saw you putting in 20 yourself.
It's not against the rules, is it?
Well, there's a general feeling that
you're letting the side down a bit.
Not my words of course,
words of the Area Dean.
You know how the wealthy parishes
grumble when their money
subsidises empty churches.
This isn't an empty church,
the congregation will
be back up next week.
Will it? I'll be back to see if
you're right. Care for some instant?
No, I can't linger,
I've got tickets for Chelsea-Man U.
Oh, there you are.
Double your collection plate. Oh.
What's Rowan talking about now?
Is it interesting?
He's talking about
his childhood in Swansea.
You've been reading that
for three months.
Well, you know it's not
a quick read, it isn't easy read.
How about you put Rowan down
and hold me instead?
Do you think I should do
a leaflet drop? What?
I've got to increase
my congregation numbers.
Sorry, I can't help it,
I've got to get my numbers up.
You know sometimes weeks
go by without us having sex.
No, they don't. Yes, because
one or other of us is always
too tired, or distracted by work.
We need to rekindle things, darling.
I want some excitement.
I want to be seduced.
Now? No, not now.
But soon. (Yeah.)
Would you like me
to dress up as a vicar?
Dear Lord, if you don't mind me
bringing this up, could you
give me more energy in bed?
I'm so exhausted all the time
and it's not fair on Alex,
she deserves to be happy.
Please help me find more time
and energy for her, and it,
and please help me
get my numbers up.
Why do you make finance such
a constant daily issue for us?
Shouldn't I be spreading your word
and building the Kingdom rather
than worrying about money?
I gather wine's a good investment at
the moment and property in Bulgaria,
and I hope you don't find the size
of my flock insultingly small.
If you've got any ideas on
how to fill this place,
I'd love to hear them.
Hello, can I help you?
Hi, yes, you must be Adam?
Er yes, er, I'm, I'm Adam.
I'm Darren.
I love your church, Adam.
It's awesome.
Thank you.
Adam, we've got renovations
going on
at St. James's for
the next few weeks.
I'm looking for somewhere to bring
my congregation next Sunday.
Oh, you're a priest are you?
Yes, yes, I'm Darren, I'm the
vicar at St James's in Fulham.
Ha. Well, my lot would
absolutely love this place.
Awesome organ. Thanks, it's broken.
So how large is your
congregation, Darren?
Three or four...
hundred. Three or four hundred?
Yeah. Do you have space
for us all for a Sunday?
Um, er, probably, er, perhaps.
Yes, how would you describe your
worship at St James's, Darren?
Mm, we mostly use the International
Bible. Ah. But, er, we don't have to.
You're Charismatics, then? No...
I'd say we are Evangelical -
but in a kind of
chilled, friendly way, you know?
We love God but we're not out
to convert people. Right.
Cos I do have a problem with the
way that the Charismatics sometimes
seem to let their emotions
supplant theology. Yeah, me too.
Look why don't I come down here on
Sunday and give a little service?
If you like us we can hook up
more often and if you don't,
absolutely not a problem.
They really are a very,
very cool bunch.
Do you think your
whole bunch would come? Absolutely.
Well all right, Darren. Let's
try it once and see how it goes.
Awesome.
Of course I have fantasies.
What are they then? They're just,
you know, male fantasies.
They're all about you. Ha!
Yes, course they are, then that
doesn't make them fantasies,
does it, because I'm here?
What, what's yours, tell me yours?
You know mine. Do I?
Tell me again.
Sex in a lift, in public somewhere,
being naughty when there
are strangers around,
dressing as a stripper,
as a prostitute and being
picked up by someone famous,
being serviced by two faceless men
who are only interesting in
satisfying me,
being dominated,
being tied up and captured
by a man I'm sexually attracted to
who treats me very nicely while
pleasuring me, and then instantly
falls in love with me in a lift.
If only we had a lift.
But they're just fantasies,
they're not meant to happen.
Well, maybe some of them.
Perhaps the stripper.
Or being naughty in public.
It's a bit tricky with my job.
No, it isn't. No, I'll show you.
I love you.
Thank you for cooking and
cancelling the homeless meal for me.
I love you too.
BUZZER
Ignore it, please.
BANGING ON DOOR
BUZZER
It'll just be Colin.
It might not be.
Mick, I'm not giving you any more
money, so can you please go away?
Nah, see what it is, yeah, see what
it is, yeah, I'm working now.
Want your windows done?
It's nine o'clock at night. Is it?
Ah, no problem, I work nights anyway.
I'm going to watch telly.
Bye, Mrs Vicar.
Come back tomorrow instead Mick,
and I'll give you a sandwich.
It's cool, it's cool, I'll do 'em
now since I'm here. No, thank you.
That's all right,
don't mention it, vicar.
Hello, vicarage. Hello, Colin.
Watch out for that johnny.
Goths have been shagging
in the churchyard again.
Disgusting.
Some people are turned on by
the strangest stuff, aren't they?
Mm. I've never had sex
al fresco in fact.
Maybe I should.
It's all right for you,
you've got Alex.
Been feeling a bit lonely myself.
Sorry to hear that, Colin.
Haven't had sex in years.
I don't appeal to women any more,
that's the problem, I know that.
I'm sure that's not the case.
Yes, it is.
Nobody loves me.
Don't be silly, Colin. We love you.
Yeah but you're not going to
shag me though, are you?
I just sometimes have this terrible
need to get me balls wet.
Is that bad, Adam?
Would God be cross? No, no, no.
There are different kinds
of love, aren't there?
God's love is far more profound
than physical love.
It's powerful, ceaseless, ineffable.
But sometimes you just want
to stick it in, don't you?
Hi. Morning.
Darren. Hey, Adam.
Pretty awesome, huh?
I didn't know you doing all this.
It's great isn't it? I always like to
joke that, the more God loves you,
the better your PA system.
I haven't got a faculty permission
for any of this.
Don't panic, keep your cassock on.
We will have it put back to
the cold barn it was before.
Jesus is awesome, isn't he?
This all looks good, Adam.
A bit friendlier,
was this your idea?
No, let me introduce you to Darren,
our visiting preacher. Darren,
this is my wife, Alex.
Hiya. Hi, are people allowed
to watch telly during the
service today, Darren?
Did you do the flowers?
So sorry we had to move them all out.
No, because A, I never do
the flowers and B, I was at work.
Alex is a solicitor.
She does a lot of Legal Aid work.
Wow, good for you,
not just a vicar's wife.
People are going to be arriving
in about 30 mins.
Let's go help set up
that smoothie bar.
What a knob end.
It's fine, it's just one Sunday.
But he is very good looking.
Adam, do come and meet Pip
who runs our smoothie bar.
Pip, this is Adam whose
church we're taking over.
What would you like, vicar?
Um, what's in
a Creamy Tropical Jesus Splash?
Orange, strawberry and pineapple.
Or, may I recommend
the Merry Berry Jesus Explosion?
OK, no, I'll have the Splash,
not the Explosion.
What's going on here, Adam?
Hello, Adoha,
do you fancy a fruit smoothie?
Don't you want me
to do coffees as usual?
Er, not today, Adoha. Next week.
it's smoothies today, just for once.
This is wrong, Adam.
You know coffee should be served in
church, not this girl's fruits,
and where are my flowers?
Hello, everyone, hello.
As, as the vicar of St Saviours,
I just wanted to welcome you all
here
today and what a lot of you there
are, it's a, it's a wonderful sight.
I'm delighted that...
Hello, guys, so good to see you all.
And how cool is it to be here
in this awesome church?
And it is also great, Jesus,
to have you here with us today.
We're going to need some monster
donations from you guys today
if we're to reach
our expansion targets,
so don't forget to fill out
one of our standing order forms,
or maybe a direct debit.
It's all very, very straightforward.
Of course we do now accept all major
credit and debit cards.
Now I want to
talk about the adulteress
in John's Gospel, chapter eight.
Only last week I met a woman
who'd given in to temptation,
a drug addict off her face
on whizz, selling herself
in order to fund her addiction...
This is great, isn't it?
Give me some of that, Colin.
..the healing power of Jesus's love,
she no longer does that.
You see we all have to fight against
temptations in life, don't we?
Yeah, and I want to talk... Hiya.
..about her journey to salvation.
But before we do that,
shall we get Ikon up here?
Right on your feet.
# I felt my life was like
a heavy sinner's
# That was until I came to you
for repentance
# Look at the size of my love
Yeah
# That's all for you above
# Oh, oh,
# I didn't like my behaviour
# I should have known that
Christ was the Saviour
# I surrender to you
You're the one
# I'll give it up for you
and you son
# Send me your love
Put my sins in remission
# I believe in you, Lord
You're not superstition
# Let me feel the power of your love
Bring it
# Like it was a shower from above
Sing it
# Sing it
Sing it
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Our resurrected Jew
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Our resurrected Jew
# Love me, take me, Jesus. #
Yeah. All right!
Anyway she said, "I didn't know
that, I thought it was
the relief postman."
Killer that, innit, eh?
Oh, hi, Darren, thank you for that.
That was a real eye-opener.
Well, it's been an absolute joy. We
would love to come back next Sunday.
Well, I've been very glad
to do this once, Darren,
but I'm afraid it won't be right
to have you back again next week.
Why not? Well, if you'll
allow me, because I think
what you do is more of a show than
a sacrament, and I don't think it's
quite right for my congregation.
Wasn't that the most
wonderful service, Adam?
Full of song and colour and emotion.
Oh, what a clever, gorgeous vicar
you are, yes. So good looking.
Hello, you two, how are
you getting along together?
Yes, very well, thank you.
What an extraordinary service.
It certainly was.
Memorable, great bunch.
Very clever of you both.
You know I said to the Father, I
said, "Father I want all you've got,
"and if it blows my mind,
let it blow, yeah?"
Did you experience Jesus?
Oh, yes, several times.
I was just saying to Adam here
how much we would love to
come back next Sunday.
Er, yes, well, we'll have to see.
I have a cheque here from
my church to yours for £10,000.
I'm sure it'll go towards
whatever it is you do here.
Goodness gracious,
Darren, that's very generous.
Yes, well, the Dean will
be delighted.
I hope we'll see the fruits of this?
Of course.
OK, gentlemen, well done.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Play nicely.
Oh, hello, Alex. What are you...?
Shh. I'm not Alex.
I'm Vivienne, what's your name?
I'm Darren.
I'll just get these.
Are you serious?
Quick as you can, please, Lisa?
No way, shut up.
No, at the end of the day, I didn't
even call her a slag. No...
I didn't!
Seriously, babe.
Er, sorry, hang on a minute. What?
Oh, Darren. Oh, Darren.
BUZZER
No, me.
< Don't mind me.
Want me to do round the back?
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
# Love me, take me, Jesus...
Sorry, I can't seem to get that
hip-hop hymn out of my head.
Yeah, it's...catchy stuff.
Very different from your services,
all that energy and pizzazz.
Must say Darren
is very good looking.
Yes, I've got an e-mail from
him here, saying he's looking
forward to seeing me again soon.
He's not coming back is he?
No. I was very clear to him.
Hello, vicars.
I have had the best time ever!
Have you?
Where have you been, Colin?
On a two-day "Be Transformed" course
at Center Parcs.
I am so...transformed!
The St James's lot -
they're just so friendly.
And they paid for everything.
Th-there was parties,
and we talked about Jesus...
Here y'are. Check this, vics.
They gave us free stuff, and
glowsticks. This one says "Jesus",
and this one says "Transform"!
And there was smoothies...
Oh - there were so many smoothies.
And lectures on how to deal
with sex, and how to cure people
of being a poof.
And the girls are mega-hot!
I can't wait to see 'em all again
this Sunday
when they come back 'ere.
Sorry? Hang on...Darren's not
coming back here this Sunday, Colin.
Yeah, they are. They all are.
Darren's down there right now.
Awesome, yeah?
I can't wait to see Pip again.
I think she really likes me.
So what exactly is the problem, Adam?
We're all partners
in the Gospel, aren't we?
But the thing is I don't necessarily
think that Jesus is er...absolutely
the answer to every single question.
He is, though.
Well, I don't think so.
I think that faith
must encounter doubt, and
all I get from you is certainty.
That's right. So I don't think
a blending of our
styles is going to work,
I'm going to have to ask you
to not attend any more.
Your church was empty, Adam...
Now it's full. Because
we appeal to people - you don't.
Our God is a success...
and that scares you.
Your services scare me.
That's what scares me.
Your services. They scare me.
You have no sense of this parish,
and I dread to think what your
views are on gays and women priests.
Well, your pathetic, liberal
acceptance of them disgusts me.
When you KNOW they're wrong.
The Bible tells us,
St Matthew tells us...
This church is ours now, Adam.
And you need to acknowledge that.
No.
Be my friend, Adam.
Be God's friend.
There'll be no interruptions
tonight, I promise.
So get ready
for a night of hot romancing.
ALEX GIGGLES
Yes...
I'm ready, Darren.
Tie me up and take me to erm...
..heaven. Like, my kind of heaven.
Ping! Going down...
REVERBERATING HIP-HOP MUSIC
Can you hear that?
RAPPING: # I should have known
that Christ was a saviour
# I surrender to you,
you're the one
# I give it up
for you and your son... #
Darren, what are you doing?
This is my home! Go away.
Oh, we were just
praying for you, Adam.
Well, stop it!
What you doing up there, Adam?
I...
None of your business.
I'm extremely busy, Darren.
Can you go away, please?
Get out. Bugger off!
This is criminal,
this is harassment.
ENGINE STARTS UP
Go on, what are you looking at?
Go away.
# ..Love me, take me, Jesus,
Our resurrected Jew
# Love me, take me, Jesus... #
I understand your concern,
of course I do, Adam.
The problem for you - for us -
is that the Dean just loves
the St James's lot.
Does he? I didn't have him down
as a hard-line Evangelical.
No, I think he went on one of their
Be Transformed courses at Butlins,
said, "It was magical and very
exciting," and I haven't been able
to get a word of sense
out of him since.
Of course, in purely financial terms,
I should be congratulating you.
As you know, it was agreed
at the Deanery Synod last week
that Darren should preach
at your place once a month.
What?
No, they can't do that,
I won't allow that.
Well, weren't you at the meeting?
Um, no, not on this occasion.
Why not?
Because they're incredibly dull.
Do you go to them?
Well, of course I do. Well, Darren
can't preach without my approval,
it's my church,
I'll run it how I like. Of course,
but I'd strongly recommend
you don't do that.
I don't know what to do.
Can you think somewhere else?
I'm expected at one
of Gordon Ramsay's soft openings,
so I'm going to drop you out...here.
Quick, quick!
So, John 15 makes us ask, if you were
hanging out with Jesus and his posse,
what would you say to the fella?
I'm gonna give you the top ten tips
on how to be a friend of God.
Get off me! Get off!
You're disgusting!
Well, Jesus told me to do it.
Pip is extremely distressed.
She's having a smoothie,
and she will never be able
to come back to this church.
She's wearing a chastity bracelet,
she's clearly a virgin.
A born-again virgin.
I want that man barred from this
church. I'm not doing that, Darren.
Colin's been a regular here
for 15 years.
Is there no chance you could
forgive him? We may well prosecute.
"Lord, how many times
am I to forgive my neighbour,
as many as seven times?"
"70 times seven," said the Lord.
# 70 times seven, 70 times... #
Pip is a vital part
of our congregation, yeah?
Colin isn't vital
to anybody Darren...except God.
And if God loves you, Darren,
then he loves Colin just as much.
Colin's presence in this church
is a blessing.
Colin is a dangerous person...
who smells funky.
Archdeacon, please understand,
if that man is not barred
from this church
I'm going to have
to take my large, giving,
very generous congregation
somewhere else.
Darren, we can't be seen
to bar anyone from our churches,
you know that,
especially those in need.
Even though he touched her bottom?
Even though he touched her bottom,
which I'm not condoning,
but...there's my answer.
Well, I feel for you both.
No wonder your church is in crisis.
I shall take my large, devoted gang,
and my money, elsewhere.
Any chance you can leave
the smoothie bar?
Thank you.
CONGREGATION:
# He who would valiant be
# 'Gainst all disaster
# Let him in constancy
# Follow the Master... #
Are you OK, Colin?
Yeah, yeah, course.
I just miss Pip a bit, is all.
I was in a dilemma with her, cos,
well, I did like her a lot... Mm.
..but she was also
a massive prick tease.
What you did was wrong,
you know that, don't you?
I only pinched her arse.
No, but you can't do that,
it's horrible for women.
People lose jobs
because of that sort of thing.
That said, of course,
if you hadn't done it,
Darren and his lot
would still be here, so...thanks.
You can always count on me, vicar.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, my darling wife.
'Hello, is that Darren?
'This is Vivienne.'
Yes.
GRUFF VOICE: This is Darren.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Welcome to St Saviour's on this
rather cold Sunday morning.
It's nice to see so many faces
here today who are so familiar.
The Lord be with you.
And also with you.
Almighty God, to whom all hearts
are open, all desires known,
and from whom no secrets are hidden,
cleanse the thoughts
of our hearts by the inspiration
of your Holy Spirit,
that we may perfectly love you
and worthily magnify your Holy Name.
Through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Amen.
I thought the sermon was
electrifying today, Adam.
It gave me shivers.
Thank you, Adoha.
It's hard to be rousing
when there's only five of you.
Can I have a word with you, Adam?
Hello, Archdeacon, how nice to
see you. I wasn't expecting you.
I'm a bit worried about you,
Adam, is everything OK?
Yes, yes, yes. Where is...
everyone?
Where's your congregation?
Oh, I see. Er, well, Colin and
Adoha are over there, and....
Good morning, Archdeacon Robert.
Yes, where is everyone today, Nigel?
Oh, yes, it's an upsettingly
small turnout today.
Is there a Tube strike on? No.
Alex is at the police station?
Oh, yeah. Well, that's one.
Yes. Er, Olanna has gone to
the Primark sale.
Steve Warwick's taken his daughters
to gymnastics, Mike Swan has a
cheese stall at the Farmers' Market.
Margaret's gone
to visit her mother...
Nigel, I don't need the individual
GPS location of every single
member of your congregation.
Unfortunately, Archdeacon,
the reality is sometimes
people just...don't come.
You're late paying
your Parish share again.
There's another cheque on the way.
Is there? What was your congregation
plate this morning? Mm, £60.
You mean 20.
No, no, it was much more
than that, it was, er...40?
It was £24.07.
I saw you putting in 20 yourself.
It's not against the rules, is it?
Well, there's a general feeling that
you're letting the side down a bit.
Not my words of course,
words of the Area Dean.
You know how the wealthy parishes
grumble when their money
subsidises empty churches.
This isn't an empty church,
the congregation will
be back up next week.
Will it? I'll be back to see if
you're right. Care for some instant?
No, I can't linger,
I've got tickets for Chelsea-Man U.
Oh, there you are.
Double your collection plate. Oh.
What's Rowan talking about now?
Is it interesting?
He's talking about
his childhood in Swansea.
You've been reading that
for three months.
Well, you know it's not
a quick read, it isn't easy read.
How about you put Rowan down
and hold me instead?
Do you think I should do
a leaflet drop? What?
I've got to increase
my congregation numbers.
Sorry, I can't help it,
I've got to get my numbers up.
You know sometimes weeks
go by without us having sex.
No, they don't. Yes, because
one or other of us is always
too tired, or distracted by work.
We need to rekindle things, darling.
I want some excitement.
I want to be seduced.
Now? No, not now.
But soon. (Yeah.)
Would you like me
to dress up as a vicar?
Dear Lord, if you don't mind me
bringing this up, could you
give me more energy in bed?
I'm so exhausted all the time
and it's not fair on Alex,
she deserves to be happy.
Please help me find more time
and energy for her, and it,
and please help me
get my numbers up.
Why do you make finance such
a constant daily issue for us?
Shouldn't I be spreading your word
and building the Kingdom rather
than worrying about money?
I gather wine's a good investment at
the moment and property in Bulgaria,
and I hope you don't find the size
of my flock insultingly small.
If you've got any ideas on
how to fill this place,
I'd love to hear them.
Hello, can I help you?
Hi, yes, you must be Adam?
Er yes, er, I'm, I'm Adam.
I'm Darren.
I love your church, Adam.
It's awesome.
Thank you.
Adam, we've got renovations
going on
at St. James's for
the next few weeks.
I'm looking for somewhere to bring
my congregation next Sunday.
Oh, you're a priest are you?
Yes, yes, I'm Darren, I'm the
vicar at St James's in Fulham.
Ha. Well, my lot would
absolutely love this place.
Awesome organ. Thanks, it's broken.
So how large is your
congregation, Darren?
Three or four...
hundred. Three or four hundred?
Yeah. Do you have space
for us all for a Sunday?
Um, er, probably, er, perhaps.
Yes, how would you describe your
worship at St James's, Darren?
Mm, we mostly use the International
Bible. Ah. But, er, we don't have to.
You're Charismatics, then? No...
I'd say we are Evangelical -
but in a kind of
chilled, friendly way, you know?
We love God but we're not out
to convert people. Right.
Cos I do have a problem with the
way that the Charismatics sometimes
seem to let their emotions
supplant theology. Yeah, me too.
Look why don't I come down here on
Sunday and give a little service?
If you like us we can hook up
more often and if you don't,
absolutely not a problem.
They really are a very,
very cool bunch.
Do you think your
whole bunch would come? Absolutely.
Well all right, Darren. Let's
try it once and see how it goes.
Awesome.
Of course I have fantasies.
What are they then? They're just,
you know, male fantasies.
They're all about you. Ha!
Yes, course they are, then that
doesn't make them fantasies,
does it, because I'm here?
What, what's yours, tell me yours?
You know mine. Do I?
Tell me again.
Sex in a lift, in public somewhere,
being naughty when there
are strangers around,
dressing as a stripper,
as a prostitute and being
picked up by someone famous,
being serviced by two faceless men
who are only interesting in
satisfying me,
being dominated,
being tied up and captured
by a man I'm sexually attracted to
who treats me very nicely while
pleasuring me, and then instantly
falls in love with me in a lift.
If only we had a lift.
But they're just fantasies,
they're not meant to happen.
Well, maybe some of them.
Perhaps the stripper.
Or being naughty in public.
It's a bit tricky with my job.
No, it isn't. No, I'll show you.
I love you.
Thank you for cooking and
cancelling the homeless meal for me.
I love you too.
BUZZER
Ignore it, please.
BANGING ON DOOR
BUZZER
It'll just be Colin.
It might not be.
Mick, I'm not giving you any more
money, so can you please go away?
Nah, see what it is, yeah, see what
it is, yeah, I'm working now.
Want your windows done?
It's nine o'clock at night. Is it?
Ah, no problem, I work nights anyway.
I'm going to watch telly.
Bye, Mrs Vicar.
Come back tomorrow instead Mick,
and I'll give you a sandwich.
It's cool, it's cool, I'll do 'em
now since I'm here. No, thank you.
That's all right,
don't mention it, vicar.
Hello, vicarage. Hello, Colin.
Watch out for that johnny.
Goths have been shagging
in the churchyard again.
Disgusting.
Some people are turned on by
the strangest stuff, aren't they?
Mm. I've never had sex
al fresco in fact.
Maybe I should.
It's all right for you,
you've got Alex.
Been feeling a bit lonely myself.
Sorry to hear that, Colin.
Haven't had sex in years.
I don't appeal to women any more,
that's the problem, I know that.
I'm sure that's not the case.
Yes, it is.
Nobody loves me.
Don't be silly, Colin. We love you.
Yeah but you're not going to
shag me though, are you?
I just sometimes have this terrible
need to get me balls wet.
Is that bad, Adam?
Would God be cross? No, no, no.
There are different kinds
of love, aren't there?
God's love is far more profound
than physical love.
It's powerful, ceaseless, ineffable.
But sometimes you just want
to stick it in, don't you?
Hi. Morning.
Darren. Hey, Adam.
Pretty awesome, huh?
I didn't know you doing all this.
It's great isn't it? I always like to
joke that, the more God loves you,
the better your PA system.
I haven't got a faculty permission
for any of this.
Don't panic, keep your cassock on.
We will have it put back to
the cold barn it was before.
Jesus is awesome, isn't he?
This all looks good, Adam.
A bit friendlier,
was this your idea?
No, let me introduce you to Darren,
our visiting preacher. Darren,
this is my wife, Alex.
Hiya. Hi, are people allowed
to watch telly during the
service today, Darren?
Did you do the flowers?
So sorry we had to move them all out.
No, because A, I never do
the flowers and B, I was at work.
Alex is a solicitor.
She does a lot of Legal Aid work.
Wow, good for you,
not just a vicar's wife.
People are going to be arriving
in about 30 mins.
Let's go help set up
that smoothie bar.
What a knob end.
It's fine, it's just one Sunday.
But he is very good looking.
Adam, do come and meet Pip
who runs our smoothie bar.
Pip, this is Adam whose
church we're taking over.
What would you like, vicar?
Um, what's in
a Creamy Tropical Jesus Splash?
Orange, strawberry and pineapple.
Or, may I recommend
the Merry Berry Jesus Explosion?
OK, no, I'll have the Splash,
not the Explosion.
What's going on here, Adam?
Hello, Adoha,
do you fancy a fruit smoothie?
Don't you want me
to do coffees as usual?
Er, not today, Adoha. Next week.
it's smoothies today, just for once.
This is wrong, Adam.
You know coffee should be served in
church, not this girl's fruits,
and where are my flowers?
Hello, everyone, hello.
As, as the vicar of St Saviours,
I just wanted to welcome you all
here
today and what a lot of you there
are, it's a, it's a wonderful sight.
I'm delighted that...
Hello, guys, so good to see you all.
And how cool is it to be here
in this awesome church?
And it is also great, Jesus,
to have you here with us today.
We're going to need some monster
donations from you guys today
if we're to reach
our expansion targets,
so don't forget to fill out
one of our standing order forms,
or maybe a direct debit.
It's all very, very straightforward.
Of course we do now accept all major
credit and debit cards.
Now I want to
talk about the adulteress
in John's Gospel, chapter eight.
Only last week I met a woman
who'd given in to temptation,
a drug addict off her face
on whizz, selling herself
in order to fund her addiction...
This is great, isn't it?
Give me some of that, Colin.
..the healing power of Jesus's love,
she no longer does that.
You see we all have to fight against
temptations in life, don't we?
Yeah, and I want to talk... Hiya.
..about her journey to salvation.
But before we do that,
shall we get Ikon up here?
Right on your feet.
# I felt my life was like
a heavy sinner's
# That was until I came to you
for repentance
# Look at the size of my love
Yeah
# That's all for you above
# Oh, oh,
# I didn't like my behaviour
# I should have known that
Christ was the Saviour
# I surrender to you
You're the one
# I'll give it up for you
and you son
# Send me your love
Put my sins in remission
# I believe in you, Lord
You're not superstition
# Let me feel the power of your love
Bring it
# Like it was a shower from above
Sing it
# Sing it
Sing it
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Our resurrected Jew
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Our resurrected Jew
# Love me, take me, Jesus. #
Yeah. All right!
Anyway she said, "I didn't know
that, I thought it was
the relief postman."
Killer that, innit, eh?
Oh, hi, Darren, thank you for that.
That was a real eye-opener.
Well, it's been an absolute joy. We
would love to come back next Sunday.
Well, I've been very glad
to do this once, Darren,
but I'm afraid it won't be right
to have you back again next week.
Why not? Well, if you'll
allow me, because I think
what you do is more of a show than
a sacrament, and I don't think it's
quite right for my congregation.
Wasn't that the most
wonderful service, Adam?
Full of song and colour and emotion.
Oh, what a clever, gorgeous vicar
you are, yes. So good looking.
Hello, you two, how are
you getting along together?
Yes, very well, thank you.
What an extraordinary service.
It certainly was.
Memorable, great bunch.
Very clever of you both.
You know I said to the Father, I
said, "Father I want all you've got,
"and if it blows my mind,
let it blow, yeah?"
Did you experience Jesus?
Oh, yes, several times.
I was just saying to Adam here
how much we would love to
come back next Sunday.
Er, yes, well, we'll have to see.
I have a cheque here from
my church to yours for £10,000.
I'm sure it'll go towards
whatever it is you do here.
Goodness gracious,
Darren, that's very generous.
Yes, well, the Dean will
be delighted.
I hope we'll see the fruits of this?
Of course.
OK, gentlemen, well done.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Play nicely.
Oh, hello, Alex. What are you...?
Shh. I'm not Alex.
I'm Vivienne, what's your name?
I'm Darren.
I'll just get these.
Are you serious?
Quick as you can, please, Lisa?
No way, shut up.
No, at the end of the day, I didn't
even call her a slag. No...
I didn't!
Seriously, babe.
Er, sorry, hang on a minute. What?
Oh, Darren. Oh, Darren.
BUZZER
No, me.
< Don't mind me.
Want me to do round the back?
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
# Love me, take me, Jesus...
Sorry, I can't seem to get that
hip-hop hymn out of my head.
Yeah, it's...catchy stuff.
Very different from your services,
all that energy and pizzazz.
Must say Darren
is very good looking.
Yes, I've got an e-mail from
him here, saying he's looking
forward to seeing me again soon.
He's not coming back is he?
No. I was very clear to him.
Hello, vicars.
I have had the best time ever!
Have you?
Where have you been, Colin?
On a two-day "Be Transformed" course
at Center Parcs.
I am so...transformed!
The St James's lot -
they're just so friendly.
And they paid for everything.
Th-there was parties,
and we talked about Jesus...
Here y'are. Check this, vics.
They gave us free stuff, and
glowsticks. This one says "Jesus",
and this one says "Transform"!
And there was smoothies...
Oh - there were so many smoothies.
And lectures on how to deal
with sex, and how to cure people
of being a poof.
And the girls are mega-hot!
I can't wait to see 'em all again
this Sunday
when they come back 'ere.
Sorry? Hang on...Darren's not
coming back here this Sunday, Colin.
Yeah, they are. They all are.
Darren's down there right now.
Awesome, yeah?
I can't wait to see Pip again.
I think she really likes me.
So what exactly is the problem, Adam?
We're all partners
in the Gospel, aren't we?
But the thing is I don't necessarily
think that Jesus is er...absolutely
the answer to every single question.
He is, though.
Well, I don't think so.
I think that faith
must encounter doubt, and
all I get from you is certainty.
That's right. So I don't think
a blending of our
styles is going to work,
I'm going to have to ask you
to not attend any more.
Your church was empty, Adam...
Now it's full. Because
we appeal to people - you don't.
Our God is a success...
and that scares you.
Your services scare me.
That's what scares me.
Your services. They scare me.
You have no sense of this parish,
and I dread to think what your
views are on gays and women priests.
Well, your pathetic, liberal
acceptance of them disgusts me.
When you KNOW they're wrong.
The Bible tells us,
St Matthew tells us...
This church is ours now, Adam.
And you need to acknowledge that.
No.
Be my friend, Adam.
Be God's friend.
There'll be no interruptions
tonight, I promise.
So get ready
for a night of hot romancing.
ALEX GIGGLES
Yes...
I'm ready, Darren.
Tie me up and take me to erm...
..heaven. Like, my kind of heaven.
Ping! Going down...
REVERBERATING HIP-HOP MUSIC
Can you hear that?
RAPPING: # I should have known
that Christ was a saviour
# I surrender to you,
you're the one
# I give it up
for you and your son... #
Darren, what are you doing?
This is my home! Go away.
Oh, we were just
praying for you, Adam.
Well, stop it!
What you doing up there, Adam?
I...
None of your business.
I'm extremely busy, Darren.
Can you go away, please?
Get out. Bugger off!
This is criminal,
this is harassment.
ENGINE STARTS UP
Go on, what are you looking at?
Go away.
# ..Love me, take me, Jesus,
Our resurrected Jew
# Love me, take me, Jesus... #
I understand your concern,
of course I do, Adam.
The problem for you - for us -
is that the Dean just loves
the St James's lot.
Does he? I didn't have him down
as a hard-line Evangelical.
No, I think he went on one of their
Be Transformed courses at Butlins,
said, "It was magical and very
exciting," and I haven't been able
to get a word of sense
out of him since.
Of course, in purely financial terms,
I should be congratulating you.
As you know, it was agreed
at the Deanery Synod last week
that Darren should preach
at your place once a month.
What?
No, they can't do that,
I won't allow that.
Well, weren't you at the meeting?
Um, no, not on this occasion.
Why not?
Because they're incredibly dull.
Do you go to them?
Well, of course I do. Well, Darren
can't preach without my approval,
it's my church,
I'll run it how I like. Of course,
but I'd strongly recommend
you don't do that.
I don't know what to do.
Can you think somewhere else?
I'm expected at one
of Gordon Ramsay's soft openings,
so I'm going to drop you out...here.
Quick, quick!
So, John 15 makes us ask, if you were
hanging out with Jesus and his posse,
what would you say to the fella?
I'm gonna give you the top ten tips
on how to be a friend of God.
Get off me! Get off!
You're disgusting!
Well, Jesus told me to do it.
Pip is extremely distressed.
She's having a smoothie,
and she will never be able
to come back to this church.
She's wearing a chastity bracelet,
she's clearly a virgin.
A born-again virgin.
I want that man barred from this
church. I'm not doing that, Darren.
Colin's been a regular here
for 15 years.
Is there no chance you could
forgive him? We may well prosecute.
"Lord, how many times
am I to forgive my neighbour,
as many as seven times?"
"70 times seven," said the Lord.
# 70 times seven, 70 times... #
Pip is a vital part
of our congregation, yeah?
Colin isn't vital
to anybody Darren...except God.
And if God loves you, Darren,
then he loves Colin just as much.
Colin's presence in this church
is a blessing.
Colin is a dangerous person...
who smells funky.
Archdeacon, please understand,
if that man is not barred
from this church
I'm going to have
to take my large, giving,
very generous congregation
somewhere else.
Darren, we can't be seen
to bar anyone from our churches,
you know that,
especially those in need.
Even though he touched her bottom?
Even though he touched her bottom,
which I'm not condoning,
but...there's my answer.
Well, I feel for you both.
No wonder your church is in crisis.
I shall take my large, devoted gang,
and my money, elsewhere.
Any chance you can leave
the smoothie bar?
Thank you.
CONGREGATION:
# He who would valiant be
# 'Gainst all disaster
# Let him in constancy
# Follow the Master... #
Are you OK, Colin?
Yeah, yeah, course.
I just miss Pip a bit, is all.
I was in a dilemma with her, cos,
well, I did like her a lot... Mm.
..but she was also
a massive prick tease.
What you did was wrong,
you know that, don't you?
I only pinched her arse.
No, but you can't do that,
it's horrible for women.
People lose jobs
because of that sort of thing.
That said, of course,
if you hadn't done it,
Darren and his lot
would still be here, so...thanks.
You can always count on me, vicar.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, my darling wife.
'Hello, is that Darren?
'This is Vivienne.'
Yes.
GRUFF VOICE: This is Darren.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd