Rev. (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Oh, for God's sake.

Can you put that down, please?
Can you, you've picked up a hearse
and we're trying to bury somebody.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, hello, Mrs Vicarage.

I've, erm,
I've made a brew if you fancy?

Erm, how did you get in, Colin?

Your back door was open.
You want to watch that.

There's none left.
Oh, I'll make another pot. Oh, ta.

Also, you're out of milk and bread,
and them nice cornflakes with
all the nuts and gubbins on.

Sorry, Colin, why are you here?

I just wanted to make sure that
Adam got to prayers on time today,



because he was late last week,
which was bad of him.

Well, it's
been shitting kittens out there, so
I thought I'd pop in for a brew.

Yes, as I said to 15 of your
colleagues yesterday, what sort
of council clamps a hearse?

No, I don't want to
look on your website.

Colin, hello. Yeah, I was just
saying that your back door was open,
so I thought I'd make Alex a cuppa.

Oh. OK, that's nice of you.

Colin, if you're coming to morning
prayer, we should go soon.

Yeah, I should get on,
now I've had my morning dump.

I'll just get your
blanket off the couch.

Did he sleep here?

No, I don't think so, did he?

I'll ask him.
But where's all the bread?

It's in Colin's tummy
with my cornflakes.

Oh, now I'm going to see Faiza at
the office today so can I say yes,



she can use the church for her Koran
classes? Remind me. I told you.

She wants to use your church for
her children's Koranic classes.

They've lost the community
centre they were using, so...

And she's happy to use a
church to teach the Koran?

Yes, Faiza's happy. Are you happy?

Yes, I am, obviously.

Erm, I just worry about other
people, like Colin, with prejudices.

What prejudices have I got?

I haven't got any.
Apart from hating Man City.

What do you think
about Muslims, Colin?

Erm, I like the idea of
having loads of wives.

That's one of theirs, isn't it?

They wear all those black sheets,
don't they, the women?

The burka, yes, some of them do,
Colin, a minority, I think.

They look like, erm...

religious ninjas.

Do you think they're
sexy under there?

I think the whole point of wearing
them, Colin, is probably to
avoid exactly that question.

I think it makes them mysterious.
Which is sexy.

Right, well can I suggest you
avoid saying that to them,
OK, because they might be offended.

I'm only a
partial fan of explicit nudity.

I tell you what the burka is
good for, though.

Armed robbery.

Scouse Tony's got three
mates who done the Paddy
betting shop on Park Street.

They dressed entirely in those
sheets, but with shotguns underneath.

You've got to question why a
bookie thought three fat Muslim women

wanted to put some money
on the 4.15 at Chepstow.

Maybe you should do a Call to
Prayers, Vicarage, like Muslims.

You could stand
outside and go "hi-da"!

Be quiet now, please, Colin. Let's
say a Christian prayer instead.

Oh, Lord, open our lips.

And our mouths shall
proclaim your praise.

Glory be to God and the Holy Son...
I got dripped on!

I'm getting dripped on.

I'm also experiencing
a little dampness.

It's China. Is it?

Yes, there's a lead theft
epidemic going on because
of the demand from China.

Our insurers had to pay
out nine million last
year, would you believe?

It seems likely this gang
were interrupted. We've only
lost some of our roof, thankfully.

Well, if you do decide to make
a claim with our insurers, I'm
afraid you're going to have to

join the queue. They've even hit
the Mine Shaft in town. What's that?

It's a men's day spa on Bond Street.

What's wrong with the world where
people are actually prepared
to steal from a church?

Or a good day spa. I know.

Since you're here, Archdeacon,
I wanted you to know that I've

decided to let a Muslim children's
group use the church on Saturdays.

Ooh, how exciting you are.
Yes. Why have you done it?

Erm, it's something I've
been keen to do for a while.

There's a flourishing
Muslim community here

and I've wanted to engage in, erm,
an interfaith dialogue.

I feel there's a
forest of prejudice out there.

A forest?
Are you sure about that, Adam?

Of course I do see a few
shrubberies of prejudice here

and there, or perhaps you think I'm
hiding in my log cabin of denial?

Will they pay?

Yes. Fine, good.

Get as much off them as you can.

I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.

In my experience, Muslims like
men in cassocks. They can relate.

Ooh, I'm all dizzy now. Oh.

Archdeacon Robert,
if you ever have any spare time
I would love to talk to you

about Corinthians 7 and whether you
think an unbeliever is sanctified
by marriage to a believer.

I never have any spare time, Nigel.

Colin, what are you doing up there?
I'm going to do an armed vigil,
in case the thieves return.

If those bastards come back,
they'll have to get past me...

and my shovel of justice.

You're going to let Muslims
use the church. Isn't that
very incendiary of you, Adam?

No. It might be a hot bed
for radicals.

Don't be stupid, Nigel,
that's just ignorant.

These are prayer
classes for children.

I don't think that but I think
some other people might think it.

Some other people like you.

My nephew Tony, he says that
Muslims are terrorists who want to
bring down Western civilisation.

He's in the Army.

Well, I'm sure if you're on
active service in Afghanistan
that might well feel true.

He's in Aldershot.

Why can't they go
somewhere else, eh?

This is the Lord's church,
it's not Harrods.

With church numbers in crisis,
you are welcoming in the very

people whose expansion
threatens our church.

No, they don't. Faiza is British.

If people aren't coming to the
church, it's because we're not
engaging with the community.

It's not because they've all
suddenly become Muslims.

I'm ending this discussion now.

Why?
Have you got to get to the Mosque?!

Adam, there's something
I need to show you.

Colin has been
sleeping in the church.

Oh.
Let's clear it up, quick as we can.

Is that a potty? Oh, he's filled it.

OK, you do that.
I'll do these beer tins.

I don't think so. I'll do the
beer tins, it's your church.

Thank you, Nigel.

Mind that dog poo.

Hello, you must be Faiza?

Yes, you must be Reverend Smallbone.
Adam, yes. How lovely to meet you.

I'm so pleased you feel you can
use the church for these classes.

Is that a potty you're holding,
Reverend? Yes, it is. It's not mine.

Let me just dump it.

Erm, Nigel, this is Faiza.

I'm so pleased you feel able to
use our church for this. We don't
have a problem with it at all.

Yes, well, we did worry that
you might think we'd all turn out to
be fundamentalists in niqabs,

trying to radicalise our children
and teach them to build
bombs and destroy the West.

THEY LAUGH GUILTILY

No, of course not.
We didn't think that.

I'm from Suffolk.

Well, anyway...

Hello, come in, come in.

This our teacher today, Khadijah.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Well, erm, there's a classroom area
which we've assembled over here.

If you'd like to go and see.
I hope you find it's appropriate
to your requirements.

Ah, now, come away from
that, you leave that alone.

Wait till lunch.

GIRL READS IN ARABIC

Perfect, now you try.

Look how comfortable they
are with their religion.

It's because Islam's so woven into
their every day lives, whereas for

our lot it's just something you do
on Sundays if you can be bothered.

Christian kids are all in the
pub taking drugs cos

that's more fun than listening
to one of your sermons.

Ha ha, Nigel.

Maybe if other people had a
grasp of these values, our roof
wouldn't be halfway to Beijing.

Thank you for coming, Faiza, it was
a real privilege to be part of this.

It was inspiring.

Al-Hamdu Lillah.

There is a
great history of Christians
helping out Muslims, of course.

Yes, and we'd be very
wise not to forget that.

I'm not sure that's an appropriate
magazine to have in a church, is it,
Reverend, with little ones around?

No, of course not. It's not mine.

Obviously, it belongs to a man
called Colin, who's left it.

I'm sorry, it must be very offensive
to you as a Muslim, well to you as

a woman anyway, of course,
but obviously additionally also
offensive to you as a Muslim woman.

One of my uncles earns a
packet selling magazines
like that in his shop.

Does he? Good. I mean, erm...

Yes, but we are taught to believe
that it's wrong for women to use
their bodies for personal gain.

Yes, I quite agree, I think so too.

I certainly don't allow
things like that in my church.

Adam, if you want to
borrow me jazz mag, just ask.

Hello, love.

Now, any questions about the
story I was telling you last week?

How come's Mary was a virgin
when she gave birth, Sir?

Well, that's what's so
miraculous and marvellous about it.

Does that mean God
did it to her, Sir?

Sir, Sir, what's a virgin?
Are you a virgin, Sir?

No, no, I'm not.
Is Miss your girlfriend, Sir?
Thank you, Ewan, that's enough.

Is there a competition today to be
Britain's most obnoxious child?

Do you fancy Miss, Sir? No, he does
not. Ewan and Chloe, stay behind
after assembly, please.

He does.
You do, Sir, don't you, Sir?

No, I do not fancy Miss
Pattman and I will not have
her disrespected in this way.

Sex, whether it is between
me and Miss Pattman

or anyone else, is a beautiful thing
and should not be mocked like this.

We weren't like
that when we were 11, were we?

I wasn't.
I suspect you might have been.

They're all inappropriately
sexualised for their age.

Yes, but how you spoke to
Chloe isn't really acceptable, Adam.

Although I was a tiny bit
upset you told the whole
school that you don't fancy me!

Oh, look there's a planning notice.
What's going on here?

Oh, it's some bar and restaurant.

Didn't I mention it at the
Parent Governor's Meeting?
No, I don't think so.

Cheeky's Gentlemen's Bar and Grill.
Is that what I suspect it is?

Yes, probably,
a gentlemen's club for gentlemen.

That's a strip club, isn't it?
Well, I'm sure it's not going
to be open during the day.

That's not good enough, Ellie.
A strip club is not appropriate
opposite a school.

What sort of example does
that set your young girls?

They certainly shouldn't be
encouraged to use their
bodies for personal gain.

No, not if you put it like that.

And you don't want drunk men
hanging around outside the
school gates with erections.

Not if they should be
inside teaching geography.

We're going to join forces
and oppose the planning

application because the club
is not appropriate in that location.

I'm just worried you're going to
look judgemental, when you're not.

I want to be judgemental for once.

I'm fed up with business and
money dominating everyone's lives.

That's what I'm opposing with this.

People look to me
for moral judgement, don't they?

Ellie's asked me to visit
one of these clubs with her.

Oh, right, vicar in a strip
club, whose idea was that?

DOORBELL BUZZES

Her idea. Your friend Faiza
wouldn't put up with it, would she?

Oh, it's you again.

Bye. Bye, darling.

Bye.

Yeah, right, yeah, Vicar, see what

it is, yeah, see what it is, yeah,
my mum's in hospital in Southend.

She's had erm, an incident, no,
hysterectomy, yeah.

Poor thing, man.

I thought your mum had died?

You came here last week, you
needed money to identify her body.

Do you remember?

Erm, erm, right, yeah, I've
run out of petrol and will you give
me some money so I can fill this?

What? No.

Well, will you lend me 25 quid then?

No, I won't.

You've got to. Someone's
left a mark saying you will.

What?

See, that means
soft touch for cash, yeah?

And that means you can
buy crack in them flats.

I assume you know this, Vicar.

What does that mean?

Some kids lost its glove
and someone's picked it
up and put it on a gate.

Colin, do you know what
some trainers hung over
a street lamp indicates?

Yeah, that means, erm,
you can have sex in the church.

No, it means drugs.

No, it means
gay sex with a drug addict in the
church, yeah, that's it.

Get so confused, there's
that many different signs.

Are you going to disapprove of
that too?

Like the prostitutes
opposite the school.

They're not prostitutes,
Colin, it's a lap dancing club

and I'm just opposing a
planning notice, that's all.

Those poor girls,
smuggled in from exotic places

to sell their fannies for cash just
because they want to become lawyers.

Disgusting.

Mind you, I do love it when
they bend over and wiggle their
beautiful bums in your face.

Sign up against the filth.
Stop the filth. Will you sign
our petition to stop the filth?

Sign up against the
filth, stop the filth.

Stephen, you've got girls at the
school. Do you want to sign our
petition against the proposed

lap dancing club opposite?

Don't let them rape our
children's minds. Yes, absolutely.

Well done. Quite right. Yeah.

I'm glad somebody's making a stand.

Have a lovely Sunday.
Where is this petition to sign?

I will fight against
the paedophiles.

Adoha, it's a petition opposing a
bar that might open opposite the
school. A bar for paedophiles?

No, just a bar and dance club.

Owned by a paedophile? No, it's
owned by an American company,
I think.

Run by paedophiles?

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
there are no paedophiles,
it's just a nightclub.

A nightclub?

For gentlemen, with naked women.

Tell me about your campaign.

I'm going to write a stiff letter
to the Bishop. Softly, softly
is the best approach.

Adam, we must fight. Fight this
evil, fight the paedophiles.

PHONE RINGS

Hello... Colin?

I see, what have you done?

OK, sit tight and don't talk
to the police until I get there.

What's going on?
The good new is that Colin
caught the lead thief at the church.

The bad news is that Colin
caught the lead thief at the church

and he's been arrested for ABH...
with a wheelie bin. Oh.

Apparently you told him to call me
if anything like this ever happened.

Did I? Yes. Thanks for that.

We don't want to appear to be too
forbidding, Adam.

Always goes down very badly.
People hate it.

It's OK, I know. Heaven forbid we
ever mention the idea of hell or sin

at church, because it just
sends everybody fleeing.

I'm fed up with the church in
London being like some affable

club that forgives everything and
is terrified to take a moral stand.

Do you take milk? No.

Although Jesus did used to consort
with the prostitutes, didn't he?

These aren't prostitutes.
This is a lap dancing club.

I'm striving to build a kingdom on
Earth, aren't I? Isn't that my role?

You're striving, are you?

Where did this striving idea
come from, your Muslim friends?

Do you know what the Arabic
for strive is, Adam?

Jihad.

Oh. So are you on some sort of
sex Jihad, Adam?

No.
Because God is not opposed to sex.

I know, I'm not saying he is.

I'm afraid that there's no way
the Bishop is going to stick
his neck out for cheeky girls.

He's in enough trouble as
it is due to his having tea

with that lesbian bishop,
so, please,

will you tell Nigel to stop
writing to him, and bog off?

Yes.

Thanks for the coffee.

Have you even been to one of these
clubs, Adam, and do you even
know what it is you're opposing?

Actually, I'm going to
one tomorrow to find out.

Are you indeed?

With the headmistress,
to help her out.

It was her idea.

Is that the lead thief in the bin?

Yes, that's the "victim",
as we now call him.

Apparently Colin slammed
it into the wall 19 times
before the police turned up.

It'll be a miracle if
I get him off tomorrow.

The magistrate he's got is a dragon.

Right, good luck with that.

And even if I do get him
off tomorrow, he's got more

problems because apparently the
victim is a member of quite a nasty
gang and they know where he lives.

Dear Lord, I haven't got long
but can I ask you to offer
some protection to Colin?

I know he's testing, but I'm worried
he may be about to get a kicking

from this lead gang and he was only
trying to do good, in his own way.

And can I thank you for bringing
Faiza and the Muslims
into my church?

Or is it wrong of me to do that?

Was their arrival down to you?

And why was I holding a jazz mag?

Is this all heresy?

I'm not sure, but I found their
clear moral values inspiring

and it's given me some sort
of certainty for once
and I like that feeling.

And please give me strength
for my trip to Cheeky's

and what I'm about to confront.

Hello, Adam.

I'm here for our
evening of sex and nudity.

# Ain't gonna be nobody's baby... #

Let's not stay too long, Ellie.

I just need some ammunition for the
planning meeting, so I know what
level of outrage I can take it up to.

Yes, we'll just get a feel for it.

Uh-huh.

Hello, Rod Sellix,
Group MD, welcome.

Hello, I'm Ellie Pattman,
this is the Reverend Smallbone.

Hi, so you're a real vicar?
Yes, yes, yes.

People are wrong about
the church, aren't they?

It's not just run by
uptight goody-goodies.

Let me show you to a table, hmm?

Thanks, babe.

Hello, Adam.
Hello, Stephen, how are you?

Yeah, good, thank you.

Erm, you know Ellie, of course,
your headmistress.

Ah, Ellie, hello.

Hello, Stephen.

I'm looking forward to sports day.

How are your two girls?

Well, they were, erm, you know!

I meant your daughters.

Yes, of course, erm, well,
they're very good and erm,

well, they love it
at your place so, erm...

It's great to see you both.

Erm, I should get back to them.

My daughters, not erm...

See you at church on Sunday? Yes.

Lovely chap, comes in regularly.

Now, there's a bottle of fizz
coming, on the house...

I know why you're here. You're the
ones opposing our new site, right?
Yes. Yes.

Don't worry because I'm going to
withdraw the planning application.

Really? Yeah. I don't want to
upset people, I don't want unhappy
locals, it doesn't do me any good.

Really, you mean it?
Yes, yes, I promise.

I mean it, so please relax.
Enjoy yourselves.

Fantastic. Got a mountain
of admin to plough through.

Well, that's a shame because,
look, here's our free champagne.

We were right to oppose
this place, weren't we?

It is a disgrace, isn't it?

Do you think? Is it?

It is, isn't it?

No, it's not good.

Gosh, she is very pretty.

Yes, she's a very good-looking
girl, but quite a hard face.

Yes, a hard face.

They've all got such amazing knickers
and bras, they must spend a fortune.

Really? Mm. How much do these sort
of knickers cost? Do you wear this?

Hello, Miss.

It's Miss Pattman, isn't it?

How are you?
Do you remember me, Leanne Johnson?

You taught me English
at St Declan's.

Oh, Leanne, yes, hello.
Lovely to, erm, see you.

Is this your fella?

No, no, he's my vicar.

Oh. Hello, Vicar.

Hello, Leanne.

You always said I'd never get
anywhere in life. Look at me now.

I earn a packet in here.

It's paid for all my accountancy
training, and my boyfriend's a
footballer, so...

Well done, Leanne,
I'm very pleased to hear all that.

Yes, well done,
Leanne, that's very good.

If you fancy a little
dance...let me know.

Sign our petition. Sign our
petition and stop the filth.

Yes, stop the filth.
Cheeky Girls, get them out.

Hello, Nigel.
Hello, Adoha, good evening, Mary.
How is the campaign going?

If they shit on my doorstep,
Adam, I shall shit on theirs.

Actually, great news, Adoha,
no shitting is required.

Hello.

Hello, Faiza. Hello.

What are you two up to?

What time do you call
this then, Mr Vicar?

How was the sex club?

Oh, it was interesting.

Erm, I mean awful, really.

But the great news is we've won.

Did you enjoy yourself?

No, no. No, not at all. Erm, no,
it was embarrassing, actually.

There was this girl up on
stage doing, you know, all this

and, erm, she turned out to be one
of Ellie's former pupils,
which was sad, really.

Very sad to have to watch that.

Hello?

Hello?

It's... It's Khadijah, isn't it?

I'm delighted you feel able to
come and sit here in thought.

It's very pleasing for me.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

It's me, Vicarage. Colin!

What on earth are you doing?
I've got to keep a low profile
because of this lead gang.

This is the perfect way to hide.

No, it's not right.
Find another way to hide.

Well, the gang might get me.

No, they won't. This is completely,

profoundly, distressingly
offensive, Colin. Do something else.

Grow a beard,
wear a hat, get an eye patch.

Dress like a pirate?

I don't care, you can't do this.

Very pleased Alex got you off,
though.

Alex is a genius, isn't she?
No wonder you love her.

She told that scary woman judge that
it would be wrong to fine me because
there's no way I'd ever be able to

pay and it'd just cause more chaos,
and if they stuck me in prison
it'd turn me into a criminal.

Next time I do something wrong, I'm
going to ring Alex up straight away.

She'll be delighted
to hear that, Colin.

Now that the lead
thief's been caught, thanks to you,

could you move your bed
out of the church because it's
actually starting to smell?

Do I have to?

I like sleeping here.

I have really nice dreams.

Come on.

Got any ciggies, Colin? Yeah.

Hey, we've done all
right, haven't we?

I've seen off the lead thieves
and you've beaten the pervs.

So the sex club won't be
opposite the school anymore.

The Christian forces of morality have
crushed the forces of evil
and prostitution.

Yeah, isn't that terrific.
Well done, us.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd