Rev. (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Vicar Adam Smallbone and his solicitor wife Alex have been at his new urban parish of St. Saviours for a month but the congregation is tiny and,when part of a church window is broken, Adam learns that the insurance will not cover it and he must raise funds himself. Suddenly the church is full of families,anxious to give donations and presents,if the vicar will have a say in admitting their children to the local church school,highly-rated by OFSTED.These include the local M.P. Patrick Yam. The headmistress Ellie will play along but this means delaying the wedding of a very nice couple in order to accommodate her sister's rushed marriage. Finally Adam decides. He will not be bribed and things must stay as they are but,thanks to devoted but dozy parishioner Colin,he finds out how the window was broken.
This programme/film contains
some strong language.
At the end of our first month here
I just wanted to thank you all
for making my wife, Alex,
and me feel so welcome here
in this vibrant, dynamic Church
and...
Um, we'd like to invite you all for
a Vicarage-warming later.
We'd be delighted if you'd join
us for a small of glass
of something cold,
as a token of our thanks.
Oh, my God.
Taking the Lord's name.
It's a dialogue actually, darling.
Where do we keep the
aspirin in this house?
End.
Who's bird table is that?
Ours now, a surprise house
warming gift from Colin.
Isn't it from next door?
I didn't get too drunk did I?
You were fine.
Everyone was very impressed you
can still do the splits.
Nigel really is quite
unbelievably strange, isn't he?
Yes, imagine sharing an
office with him. And Adoha.
She won't stop flirting with me.
She keeps pulling me into those
big bosooma's like the Death Star.
It's terrifying.
DOOR BUZZER
If that's Colin this early,
tell him we're not open yet.
It won't be Colin.
Hello, Colin. Vicar, you'd
better come quick, there's
been a disaster at the Church.
OK. Hello, Colin. Yes, it's Colin.
Hello, Mrs Vicarage.
Off for another day saving lives?
I'm a solicitor, Colin.
Bye, darling.
Bye, darling. Bye, darling. Oh.
Come on, Vicar! Yes, OK, coming.
Cracking piss up last night.
Previous Vicar never
let me in his house.
Thanks for the bird table.
Hey?
Oh, yeah, nice one.
So what's the problem?
You'll see at the Church.
It's a scandal, Vicar.
OK, is it a scandal, or is it
just a pigeon like last time?
Ooh-ooh! Oy, Mr Vicar!
Oy, Mr Vicar,
where's your dress?
Are you going to dress
like a girl today?
Rise above it, Colin. Turn the
other cheek. Good morning, Adoha.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hello. On this refreshing morning,
come here, darling.
Oh, what a night it was, Adam,
but look at the state of you.
Dear Lord, what have you done
to yourself? You naughty Vicar.
We must dance again sometime soon.
Yes, we must. Can't stop now
though, we...
Adoha, the flowers beds are going
to look lovely. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
It's a disgrace. It's an outrage.
It's going to cost a fortune.
Whoever did this, I will find them.
This window is rightly revered
as one of the few post-War
windows inspired by Burne-Jones.
It's an invaluable work that mixes
flashes of almost Fauvist brutalism
with figurative depictions of the
mentally ill. Yes, I know, Nigel.
No more will we see Sir Tristan
guarding the shepherds with
his massive lance.
The Christ Child on his hobby horse.
What they did these criminals,
is they chucked a bottle through.
Look here.
Fragments of bottle glass, here
amongst the precious glass.
Let me find the culprits, Vicar.
I think best left
to the police, Colin.
Better phone the Archdeacon.
I know who's done it,
it'll be them Asians.
Right that's just racist, Colin,
isn't it? We've talked about this.
Oh, let me get to the
bottom of it, Vicar, please?
OK, any help most welcome.
First, let's say morning prayer.
Let's say it nice and quietly in
case anyone here's got a hangover.
CARS BEEP
Ah!
Watch it, you wanker! Oops, sorry,
mate. Watch it, your Worship.
You wanker!
Great, so you and Vincent
on the 27th.
Fixed. Thanks, Vicar.
We've chosen the same date
Mum and Dad got married,
so I know Dad will be looking down.
There you go.
It's on the house.
Dad gave me this beautiful book and
we're going to do a reading from it
at the wedding, and after that
Vince is going to sing Angels.
By Robbie Williams.
Do you know it? It's our song.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hello, Archdeacon. Yes, I'm
just organising a wedding.
Er, well, I could meet you
at the Church.
Oh, you're here.
Oh, yeah, no I'll...
Sorry.
Hello, Archdeacon.
Ah, they all said you'd probably be
in the pub. Get in. I've got my bike.
Can't linger, I've got to get to
Chris Hitchen's book launch
and I need to talk to you about
this window now.
Get in.
The answer's no, the insurers won't
cover it all and there's nothing in
the Diocese budget for that
kind of thing, you know that.
Right, I see, so there's no chance
of any money at all from anywhere?
No, you're going to have
to do some fund raising.
I'm sure you'll pull it off.
We have such high hopes of you
here at St Saviour's,
since your predecessor
scuttled off to Rome.
Yes, I'm holding back on the incense
and the word Mary.
ADAM LAUGHS
How's your Sunday congregation?
What are the numbers?
I don't know, Archdeacon.
the Church isn't just about keeping
score though, is it? Of course not.
How many are you getting in?
I haven't counted. Have a guess.
Er, don't want to guess.
Have a guess, just for me.
I don't want to. Yes, you do.
No I don't.
60? You mean 20.
No it's a lot more than 20. 22.
Let's not guess, I'll get to you
sometime with an accurate figure.
OK, by next Monday.
Oh, by the way how's that
cassock chaser in your congregation,
what's her name?
Adoha. Still managing to resist?
You know...
she's incredibly famous for
having orgasms during sermons.
ARCHDEACON LAUGHS
The Lord be with you.
ALL: And also with you.
Please be seated. Er,
I hope you're not too cold.
I'm sorry to say that we had our
beloved window broken this week.
I'm assuming that it was
the work of vandals rather than
an enraged art critic.
Er, we'll hopefully be getting
it repaired as soon as possible.
DOOR OPENS
So let's... Oh, good morning.
Please, come in.
Always good to see new faces.
So, let's begin our service.
Hello, hello, hello.
So many of you
this morning, how lovely.
So, let, let's begin our service by
saying our Prayer of Preparation.
DOOR OPENS
Hello.
Please, come in.
So let's begin. Almighty God,
to whom all hearts are open,
all desires known.
Hurry up! Come on, Luke.
Hurry up. Come on, hurry up.
Can I just say um...
how lovely it is to see so many
new faces here today.
It's a really splendid turn out...
DOOR OPENS
And as I say it,
yet more of you arrive.
With that in mind, let's all stand
now to sing what I imagine will be
a rather rousing rendition of
All Creatures Of Our God and King.
Hymn Number 13.
ORGAN PLAYS
Why are we doing this,
it's not Christmas?
# All creatures of our God and King
# Lift up your voice
And with us sing
# Hallelujah, Hallelujah... #
Here at St Saviour's it is
the essence of our faith that
everyone is acceptable to God
and therefore to each other.
Let's pray now for a moment.
When I walk...
I walk with the little ones
of the world...
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
I walk with those who
have lost all hope -
the outcasts, the poor, the sick,
the mourning...
This is boring, I want to go home...
Ssshhh, ssshhh, ssshhh.
..I walk with the brokenness
of the world...
ADOHA WHIMPERS
..and I walk with you.
ADOHA MOANS
Adam. Hello, Adoha.
I thought your sermon today was
very stirring.
Thank you. You have such a powerful
way with words,
and such wonderful eyes. Oh, do I?
Your voice, it makes me tingle.
Ooh, that's lovely.
I must just grab a word
with the headmistress.
Hello, Ellie, you look lovely.
Those are lovely earrings.
Hello, Adam. Um, have
you sobered up enough
to have a think about my sister
having that half-term wedding date?
Ah, um, I'm afraid that
weekend's fully booked. Oh.
This is encouraging, isn't it,
the size of the congregation today?
Yeah, it's amazing what the whiff
of a good Ofsted Report can do.
Oh, that's what it is,
of course it is.
Ellie's turned the place around. The
rumours are that the school is now
good with elements of outstanding.
Let's not jump to conclusions
until it's published.
Well done, headmistress.
Well, it's good news for you too,
Vicar. I mean, these school whores
will be queuing up to prove
they're Christians, won't they,
just to get a place at Ellie's?
The joy of selection.
I've a meeting for prospective
parents Friday.
I like to do a raffle. They all try
to out bid each other, it's like the
first day of the Christmas sales.
Who the hell are all these people
today? One second, Colin.
I'm not sure that's the best way
to fill a school place, is it,
to the highest bidder?
Why, what are your criteria?
Well, it's a Church of England
school so they should be
Christians, shouldn't they?
Hello there, Vicar. Patrick Yam.
Hello, lovely to meet you. Have you
not met our wonderful local MP yet?
This is Patrick,
he closed my local swimming pool.
What a service. I loved it.
Yeah, a bit confused about when to
sit down or stand or shout stuff out,
but, er, yeah we should,
we should do this again sometime.
I thought Adam's sermon
today ended rather abruptly.
Mine next month will...
Thank you very much.
Will be an examination of how
the Fourth Commandment to...
Thank you. To observe the Sabbath
has in our age
of Pharaonic consumption become
in many ways the most radical.
That sounds boring, Nigel.
Win the Restoration Fund!
Right.
Nigel, are you going to help
me decide which parents
deserve a school place?
I need to write my sermon.
What? It's not for three weeks.
Yes, but I like to think about mine.
I'm always surprised by your ability
to knock one out at the last minute.
No, come on, this is more important.
Nigel, wouldn't you like to
help me weed out some hypocrites?
OK.
Now, the School Entry guidelines say
that parents must be regular
and committed worshippers.
Well, cross off anyone booking
a late baptism for a start.
Oh, that's a good idea.
We did the Ingram's boy last
year, he was seven, it was a
nightmare, more like an exorcism.
Now how are we going
to choose from the rest?
I was thinking we could do a
Bible test for them all?
Oh, that is a good idea.
What level of questions?
Well, let's practise.
You be a parent.
Can I ask the questions?
No, I'm doing the questions.
Hello, Mr Parent. Hello, Father.
Please call me Adam.
So, you want little Peter to get
into Ellie's school, don't you?
Desperately. My entire
self worth depends upon it.
ADAM LAUGHS
Right, so tell me,
which was the first of
the Gospels to be written?
Mark, AD65 to 80.
Easy.
Where was the Epistle of
Philemon written and by who, whom?
By Saint Paul in prison.
Too easy. It's fun though.
Who was the Gospel
of Luke written to?
My Dear Theophilus.
Where today would you find...
Modern day Iraq.
OK. Who sold Joseph into captivity?
Good one. Er, the Midianites.
AH-AH! No, it wasn't.
It was the Ishmaelites. Wasn't it?
I think you'll find it
was the Midianites. Was it?
It was, yep.
Anyway, we'll do a test and if the
parents don't know the answer,
the kid doesn't get in.
Eleanor's turned this place around
in two years,
I mean, you know what with all
this Ofsted business.
Yes, it's going to be quite...
Excuse me.
..difficult to decide who qualifies
for a place next year.
Out of interest how will you decide?
Well, by sticking to the rules,
Patrick.
Reverend, did you get that
case of wine we brought round?
Was that from you?
Thank you very much.
And, er, well done
for winning the raffle.
Yes, well, we bought all
the green tickets you see.
Yes, the whole book. Yes.
Just keen to help the school. Yes.
I'd love to do a Church
reading some time just er...
OK, Patrick, thank you.
Er, it would mean you'd have
to turn up on time though.
I hope our donation has
helped your window fund?
Yes, thank you, it has. How much
is that going to cost to repair?
Er, about £30,000, I'm afraid.
Jesus, what a nightmare!
I just said Jesus.
I'm so sorry, Vicar.
It's OK, Patrick, we all slip up.
Ah good, but that's a
fucking nightmare for you.
I mean, for all of us,
the, the window.
I hope Adam's not tapping my
parents for cash for his window.
He's supposed to be interrogating
them to see if they're
God fearing Christians.
Ah, Alex,
I don't think you've met Mr Darr.
Must go and mingle.
Alexandra, your shoulders are very
tight and tense. No, they're not.
I fear your spine may
not be straight. Yeah, it is.
You must come round to my practice,
let me do you some time.
Yes, I mustn't.
Sorry, I was being
hosed down in smarm.
What happened to you?
I had to leave.
I was set upon by lunatic
parents who all think their
child's future lies in your hands.
I'm sorry, I thought you
were having a good time.
Yeah, I love playing the
Vicar's wife, especially
when it involves being felt up
by a sweaty palmed chiropractor.
Yes, you do seem rather tense,
my dear.
Perhaps you need some...
pelvic stabilisation.
Shall I rub your lumbar four?
No, get off.
And if you think I'm going to
let you shag me in your dog collar
you're very wrong.
I'm not trying to shag you,
I'm trying to mobilise
your trunk muscles.
I hate it when you wear that
thing in the bedroom, it's
like you've got no cock.
All right. I've taken it off.
There it is, it's off.
No leave it on,
and go and bash the Bishop.
Let's hear your thrilling
fund raising ideas,
how are you going to get
this window fixed?
OK.
I've moved to the edge of my seat.
There's the classic
bring and buy sale of course.
People could bring in
Christmas presents they didn't want.
How very 1950's of you.
That might have worked wherever
it is you're from in the country.
We're from Suffolk.
Sussex, but it certainly
won't work here in London.
No, OK. Also I was thinking we could
auction off some people's time and
skills. Whose time and skills?
Well, my time and skills, my wife's.
I think we both know how much
that would raise.
Or you could pay to have Nigel
for the afternoon.
I'd pay NOT to have Nigel
for the afternoon.
Or maybe I'll just
sit up on the Church roof until
someone pays for me to come down.
HE LAUGHS
Like a hunger striker,
yes, that certainly appeals to me.
I think you might be up there
for some considerable time.
Could you step here, driver.
The fact is, Adam,
none of these artsy craftsy ideas
are any good, are they?
You have an inner city Church
with inner city problems.
Might I suggest you quickly wise up
and find an inner city solution?
Right, I'll drop you off here.
Come along, unbuckle.
Busy people, busy lives, chop, chop.
Drive on.
CARS TOOT HORN
Oy, there's the Vicar!
Give us a wave. Oy, I've got
a confession to make.
What do think of this?
THEY LAUGH
Wahey!
What do you think of that
headmistress say, eh? Yeah!
Er, she's pretty formidable.
Oh, yeah! Boy, she can stick me
in detention any time.
I bet you get women after
you all the time, don't you?
Cos of this.
Yeah, a bit of authority,
girls love it.
Now then, I have taken the liberty of
speaking to my mate Sir Jeremy
from the Lunardi Foundation about
your window. Really?
And he thinks he can help. Passionate
about Burne-Jones stuff.
Loves all those boys who
look like girls.
Well, Patrick, that is
incredibly kind of you.
Now I'm sure he will meet most
of the restoration costs,
and I'm very happy to make a donation
myself as well.
I just wanted to have a quick
word with you about our Luke.
You've met him? Er, not, not really.
Oh, he's a great kid, lovely nature.
At heart.
I mean, he's not exactly
an academic high flyer, um,
I think it's fair to say.
Just like his Mum.
But I have always wanted him to go
somewhere like your little place,
you know, a good old Church school.
I mean that's, that's more my style,
and budget. I see.
So I thought if you could speak to
your friend Ellie and make sure
Luke gets into St Saviour's,
we'd be very grateful.
Yes. And I'd make sure Sir Jeremy
helped out with your window.
Yes, I see.
It would help me to
write a good Church referral
for you Patrick if you,
if you did actually come to Church.
OK, yeah. No, I see
what you're saying.
Yeah. We'll be, we'll be back
in on, on Sunday.
On your knees, avoid the fees.
I like your top, Ellie, is it Boden?
No. What is it
you want to talk about?
It looks great.
Um, Patrick Yam's son Luke,
I was thinking of giving him a good
Church reference for a place here.
Why? I've never seen them
at Church until this week.
Well, the thing is I do think
the boy will benefit enormously
from an education here.
Has Patrick offered you some money?
Me? No.
For your broken window?
What's the point of these
Church places, Ellie,
if I don't have a say?
He has offered you some money.
Tell you what, if you find a way
to get my sister that half-term
wedding date, I'll find a way
to take Patrick's boy.
Oh, right.
That way you get your window money,
my sister gets married,
and I get another middle-class
kid to give my stats a nudge.
Everyone's a winner.
No, this is good. This way
everyone wins. Patrick gets
his delinquent child
into a good school, Ellie gets
her wedding date and we get our
window restored.
What about Gemma and Vincent?
They've got to get married
at 2pm that Saturday.
They get canned, Nigel. No,
they don't get canned, Alex,
they just get postponed
a little bit, that's all.
Oh, so apart from them,
everyone wins.
They'll be OK, we can move them.
Nigel can move them.
This is not easy, OK, Alex, this
job, all that happens all day,
every day, all the time is that
people want things from you,
which is fine, it's a vocation,
but I do have to depend on a whole
lot of volunteers, some of whom
can't even wipe their own arses.
Nigel wipes his own arse.
I most certainly do.
Not always, Nigel, sometimes
I have to do it, and I have to do
Colin's arse and Adoha's.
I've never been
aware of your wiping.
Sometimes all I do, all day...
Don't say Colin's arse again.
..is wipe people's arses for them.
This way I get something back
for once for the Church.
I get our window fixed,
I get the Archdeacon off my back...
Right.
I'm going to go and tell
Gemma and Vincent they've got
to move their wedding date.
It's a small sin for a greater good.
'I'm sorry, Lord, that was wrong.
'I shouldn't have talked about
people's arses like that.
'It was a grotesque succession
of images.
'I'm just finding everything
a bit difficult.
'"On your knees, avoid the fees."
How did I get into this situation?
'I'm supposed to walk with
the broken, aren't I?
'Not horse trade with an admittedly
rather pretty headmistress,
'that toxic MP and
Gemma the barmaid.
'And why do you want me to be
a fundraiser the whole time?
'Why have you given me this
huge crumbling building
'and now this window to deal with?
'It's such a burden.
'Let's face it, it's not a
terribly good window really, is it?
'Speak to me, Lord,
your servant listens.'
Patrick, I want you to know that
I've thought long and hard about
your proposal and Luke's future
and I'm going to say that in this
particular instance we've decided
that Luke is a wonderful boy with
a great deal to recommend him,
but we won't take him.
What?
I'm not prepared to offer or trade a
school place for cash, I'm afraid.
Right, fine, whatever.
Is that why I'm here?
I-I-I couldn't care less.
Yeah, I bet all those rumours
are actually lies. I bet that
school's not good with elements
of outstanding, I bet that school is
poor with elements of shit, and I bet
that posh totty headmistress you
carry a rod in your cassock for
started these rumours herself.
It's what I'd have done.
Did she do that? Did she? No, I...
Well, actually... Maybe I could
start some rumours of my own about
how the place is an educational
car crash and let's see whose
rumours win, shall we?
What makes me angry is why
did I bother turning up to
Church all those times?
Well, you did actually only
come the once since... Even so.
I don't suppose there's any chance
that Sir Jeremy will still send
through a cheque for the window,
will he?
Let me have a think. No.
You bloody idiot!
There you go, Vicar. Hello, Gemma.
Vince is off to pick up the rings.
Oh, is he. Good. I've gone
for an ivory trouser suit. Mm.
And we've started a pub collection.
For your Church window.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
There's 90 quid in there.
£100 now.
After our wedding it'd be great to
have a chat with you about getting
our little Tia into your school.
She's ever so clever.
Oh, look it's the Vicar of Dibley.
Oy Dibley,
are you off to bum a choir boy?
Oy, Mr Vicar, are you
going to go and do a choir boy?
Why don't you just fuck off!
Hello, Colin. All right, Vicarage.
I'll tell you who's made me
very angry this afternoon.
Who's that, Colin?
That Professor and his book
about God being all deluded.
Oh, Richard Dawkins.
He's a twat, isn't he?
If I met him
I'd kick him in the bollocks.
I mean, he thinks that people who
believe in God are irrational
nutters, but I believe in God.
I don't know why you gave
that book out to people.
Well, I think it's such a
deeply flawed book, Colin,
that you shouldn't let it worry you.
Professor Dawkins only
believes in things if they can
be scientifically proven, but
there's still so much about God's
world that we don't understand.
Look.
Why is a snail shell a
perfect mathematical golden spiral?
Beautiful, isn't it?
And it doesn't need to be.
Yeah.
And he's baffled by the
idea of forgiveness. Yeah?
Mm. Well, good because I'm not going
to forgive him for his shit book.
Do you want some?
Thank you.
What are you going to do about
the window now, Vicarage?
I shall continue to
ask people for money.
And I will trust that the
good Lord will provide.
Did you ever find out
who broke it, Colin?
Nah, a total mystery.
I've decided it's too
difficult trying to solve crime.
Nobody owns up.
Well, thanks for looking into it.
Right. I ought to get back.
What do you do with these?
Oh, yeah, I play this game where
I see how far I can chuck 'em.
Watch this. Whey!
BOTTLE SMASHES
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
some strong language.
At the end of our first month here
I just wanted to thank you all
for making my wife, Alex,
and me feel so welcome here
in this vibrant, dynamic Church
and...
Um, we'd like to invite you all for
a Vicarage-warming later.
We'd be delighted if you'd join
us for a small of glass
of something cold,
as a token of our thanks.
Oh, my God.
Taking the Lord's name.
It's a dialogue actually, darling.
Where do we keep the
aspirin in this house?
End.
Who's bird table is that?
Ours now, a surprise house
warming gift from Colin.
Isn't it from next door?
I didn't get too drunk did I?
You were fine.
Everyone was very impressed you
can still do the splits.
Nigel really is quite
unbelievably strange, isn't he?
Yes, imagine sharing an
office with him. And Adoha.
She won't stop flirting with me.
She keeps pulling me into those
big bosooma's like the Death Star.
It's terrifying.
DOOR BUZZER
If that's Colin this early,
tell him we're not open yet.
It won't be Colin.
Hello, Colin. Vicar, you'd
better come quick, there's
been a disaster at the Church.
OK. Hello, Colin. Yes, it's Colin.
Hello, Mrs Vicarage.
Off for another day saving lives?
I'm a solicitor, Colin.
Bye, darling.
Bye, darling. Bye, darling. Oh.
Come on, Vicar! Yes, OK, coming.
Cracking piss up last night.
Previous Vicar never
let me in his house.
Thanks for the bird table.
Hey?
Oh, yeah, nice one.
So what's the problem?
You'll see at the Church.
It's a scandal, Vicar.
OK, is it a scandal, or is it
just a pigeon like last time?
Ooh-ooh! Oy, Mr Vicar!
Oy, Mr Vicar,
where's your dress?
Are you going to dress
like a girl today?
Rise above it, Colin. Turn the
other cheek. Good morning, Adoha.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hello. On this refreshing morning,
come here, darling.
Oh, what a night it was, Adam,
but look at the state of you.
Dear Lord, what have you done
to yourself? You naughty Vicar.
We must dance again sometime soon.
Yes, we must. Can't stop now
though, we...
Adoha, the flowers beds are going
to look lovely. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
It's a disgrace. It's an outrage.
It's going to cost a fortune.
Whoever did this, I will find them.
This window is rightly revered
as one of the few post-War
windows inspired by Burne-Jones.
It's an invaluable work that mixes
flashes of almost Fauvist brutalism
with figurative depictions of the
mentally ill. Yes, I know, Nigel.
No more will we see Sir Tristan
guarding the shepherds with
his massive lance.
The Christ Child on his hobby horse.
What they did these criminals,
is they chucked a bottle through.
Look here.
Fragments of bottle glass, here
amongst the precious glass.
Let me find the culprits, Vicar.
I think best left
to the police, Colin.
Better phone the Archdeacon.
I know who's done it,
it'll be them Asians.
Right that's just racist, Colin,
isn't it? We've talked about this.
Oh, let me get to the
bottom of it, Vicar, please?
OK, any help most welcome.
First, let's say morning prayer.
Let's say it nice and quietly in
case anyone here's got a hangover.
CARS BEEP
Ah!
Watch it, you wanker! Oops, sorry,
mate. Watch it, your Worship.
You wanker!
Great, so you and Vincent
on the 27th.
Fixed. Thanks, Vicar.
We've chosen the same date
Mum and Dad got married,
so I know Dad will be looking down.
There you go.
It's on the house.
Dad gave me this beautiful book and
we're going to do a reading from it
at the wedding, and after that
Vince is going to sing Angels.
By Robbie Williams.
Do you know it? It's our song.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hello, Archdeacon. Yes, I'm
just organising a wedding.
Er, well, I could meet you
at the Church.
Oh, you're here.
Oh, yeah, no I'll...
Sorry.
Hello, Archdeacon.
Ah, they all said you'd probably be
in the pub. Get in. I've got my bike.
Can't linger, I've got to get to
Chris Hitchen's book launch
and I need to talk to you about
this window now.
Get in.
The answer's no, the insurers won't
cover it all and there's nothing in
the Diocese budget for that
kind of thing, you know that.
Right, I see, so there's no chance
of any money at all from anywhere?
No, you're going to have
to do some fund raising.
I'm sure you'll pull it off.
We have such high hopes of you
here at St Saviour's,
since your predecessor
scuttled off to Rome.
Yes, I'm holding back on the incense
and the word Mary.
ADAM LAUGHS
How's your Sunday congregation?
What are the numbers?
I don't know, Archdeacon.
the Church isn't just about keeping
score though, is it? Of course not.
How many are you getting in?
I haven't counted. Have a guess.
Er, don't want to guess.
Have a guess, just for me.
I don't want to. Yes, you do.
No I don't.
60? You mean 20.
No it's a lot more than 20. 22.
Let's not guess, I'll get to you
sometime with an accurate figure.
OK, by next Monday.
Oh, by the way how's that
cassock chaser in your congregation,
what's her name?
Adoha. Still managing to resist?
You know...
she's incredibly famous for
having orgasms during sermons.
ARCHDEACON LAUGHS
The Lord be with you.
ALL: And also with you.
Please be seated. Er,
I hope you're not too cold.
I'm sorry to say that we had our
beloved window broken this week.
I'm assuming that it was
the work of vandals rather than
an enraged art critic.
Er, we'll hopefully be getting
it repaired as soon as possible.
DOOR OPENS
So let's... Oh, good morning.
Please, come in.
Always good to see new faces.
So, let's begin our service.
Hello, hello, hello.
So many of you
this morning, how lovely.
So, let, let's begin our service by
saying our Prayer of Preparation.
DOOR OPENS
Hello.
Please, come in.
So let's begin. Almighty God,
to whom all hearts are open,
all desires known.
Hurry up! Come on, Luke.
Hurry up. Come on, hurry up.
Can I just say um...
how lovely it is to see so many
new faces here today.
It's a really splendid turn out...
DOOR OPENS
And as I say it,
yet more of you arrive.
With that in mind, let's all stand
now to sing what I imagine will be
a rather rousing rendition of
All Creatures Of Our God and King.
Hymn Number 13.
ORGAN PLAYS
Why are we doing this,
it's not Christmas?
# All creatures of our God and King
# Lift up your voice
And with us sing
# Hallelujah, Hallelujah... #
Here at St Saviour's it is
the essence of our faith that
everyone is acceptable to God
and therefore to each other.
Let's pray now for a moment.
When I walk...
I walk with the little ones
of the world...
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
I walk with those who
have lost all hope -
the outcasts, the poor, the sick,
the mourning...
This is boring, I want to go home...
Ssshhh, ssshhh, ssshhh.
..I walk with the brokenness
of the world...
ADOHA WHIMPERS
..and I walk with you.
ADOHA MOANS
Adam. Hello, Adoha.
I thought your sermon today was
very stirring.
Thank you. You have such a powerful
way with words,
and such wonderful eyes. Oh, do I?
Your voice, it makes me tingle.
Ooh, that's lovely.
I must just grab a word
with the headmistress.
Hello, Ellie, you look lovely.
Those are lovely earrings.
Hello, Adam. Um, have
you sobered up enough
to have a think about my sister
having that half-term wedding date?
Ah, um, I'm afraid that
weekend's fully booked. Oh.
This is encouraging, isn't it,
the size of the congregation today?
Yeah, it's amazing what the whiff
of a good Ofsted Report can do.
Oh, that's what it is,
of course it is.
Ellie's turned the place around. The
rumours are that the school is now
good with elements of outstanding.
Let's not jump to conclusions
until it's published.
Well done, headmistress.
Well, it's good news for you too,
Vicar. I mean, these school whores
will be queuing up to prove
they're Christians, won't they,
just to get a place at Ellie's?
The joy of selection.
I've a meeting for prospective
parents Friday.
I like to do a raffle. They all try
to out bid each other, it's like the
first day of the Christmas sales.
Who the hell are all these people
today? One second, Colin.
I'm not sure that's the best way
to fill a school place, is it,
to the highest bidder?
Why, what are your criteria?
Well, it's a Church of England
school so they should be
Christians, shouldn't they?
Hello there, Vicar. Patrick Yam.
Hello, lovely to meet you. Have you
not met our wonderful local MP yet?
This is Patrick,
he closed my local swimming pool.
What a service. I loved it.
Yeah, a bit confused about when to
sit down or stand or shout stuff out,
but, er, yeah we should,
we should do this again sometime.
I thought Adam's sermon
today ended rather abruptly.
Mine next month will...
Thank you very much.
Will be an examination of how
the Fourth Commandment to...
Thank you. To observe the Sabbath
has in our age
of Pharaonic consumption become
in many ways the most radical.
That sounds boring, Nigel.
Win the Restoration Fund!
Right.
Nigel, are you going to help
me decide which parents
deserve a school place?
I need to write my sermon.
What? It's not for three weeks.
Yes, but I like to think about mine.
I'm always surprised by your ability
to knock one out at the last minute.
No, come on, this is more important.
Nigel, wouldn't you like to
help me weed out some hypocrites?
OK.
Now, the School Entry guidelines say
that parents must be regular
and committed worshippers.
Well, cross off anyone booking
a late baptism for a start.
Oh, that's a good idea.
We did the Ingram's boy last
year, he was seven, it was a
nightmare, more like an exorcism.
Now how are we going
to choose from the rest?
I was thinking we could do a
Bible test for them all?
Oh, that is a good idea.
What level of questions?
Well, let's practise.
You be a parent.
Can I ask the questions?
No, I'm doing the questions.
Hello, Mr Parent. Hello, Father.
Please call me Adam.
So, you want little Peter to get
into Ellie's school, don't you?
Desperately. My entire
self worth depends upon it.
ADAM LAUGHS
Right, so tell me,
which was the first of
the Gospels to be written?
Mark, AD65 to 80.
Easy.
Where was the Epistle of
Philemon written and by who, whom?
By Saint Paul in prison.
Too easy. It's fun though.
Who was the Gospel
of Luke written to?
My Dear Theophilus.
Where today would you find...
Modern day Iraq.
OK. Who sold Joseph into captivity?
Good one. Er, the Midianites.
AH-AH! No, it wasn't.
It was the Ishmaelites. Wasn't it?
I think you'll find it
was the Midianites. Was it?
It was, yep.
Anyway, we'll do a test and if the
parents don't know the answer,
the kid doesn't get in.
Eleanor's turned this place around
in two years,
I mean, you know what with all
this Ofsted business.
Yes, it's going to be quite...
Excuse me.
..difficult to decide who qualifies
for a place next year.
Out of interest how will you decide?
Well, by sticking to the rules,
Patrick.
Reverend, did you get that
case of wine we brought round?
Was that from you?
Thank you very much.
And, er, well done
for winning the raffle.
Yes, well, we bought all
the green tickets you see.
Yes, the whole book. Yes.
Just keen to help the school. Yes.
I'd love to do a Church
reading some time just er...
OK, Patrick, thank you.
Er, it would mean you'd have
to turn up on time though.
I hope our donation has
helped your window fund?
Yes, thank you, it has. How much
is that going to cost to repair?
Er, about £30,000, I'm afraid.
Jesus, what a nightmare!
I just said Jesus.
I'm so sorry, Vicar.
It's OK, Patrick, we all slip up.
Ah good, but that's a
fucking nightmare for you.
I mean, for all of us,
the, the window.
I hope Adam's not tapping my
parents for cash for his window.
He's supposed to be interrogating
them to see if they're
God fearing Christians.
Ah, Alex,
I don't think you've met Mr Darr.
Must go and mingle.
Alexandra, your shoulders are very
tight and tense. No, they're not.
I fear your spine may
not be straight. Yeah, it is.
You must come round to my practice,
let me do you some time.
Yes, I mustn't.
Sorry, I was being
hosed down in smarm.
What happened to you?
I had to leave.
I was set upon by lunatic
parents who all think their
child's future lies in your hands.
I'm sorry, I thought you
were having a good time.
Yeah, I love playing the
Vicar's wife, especially
when it involves being felt up
by a sweaty palmed chiropractor.
Yes, you do seem rather tense,
my dear.
Perhaps you need some...
pelvic stabilisation.
Shall I rub your lumbar four?
No, get off.
And if you think I'm going to
let you shag me in your dog collar
you're very wrong.
I'm not trying to shag you,
I'm trying to mobilise
your trunk muscles.
I hate it when you wear that
thing in the bedroom, it's
like you've got no cock.
All right. I've taken it off.
There it is, it's off.
No leave it on,
and go and bash the Bishop.
Let's hear your thrilling
fund raising ideas,
how are you going to get
this window fixed?
OK.
I've moved to the edge of my seat.
There's the classic
bring and buy sale of course.
People could bring in
Christmas presents they didn't want.
How very 1950's of you.
That might have worked wherever
it is you're from in the country.
We're from Suffolk.
Sussex, but it certainly
won't work here in London.
No, OK. Also I was thinking we could
auction off some people's time and
skills. Whose time and skills?
Well, my time and skills, my wife's.
I think we both know how much
that would raise.
Or you could pay to have Nigel
for the afternoon.
I'd pay NOT to have Nigel
for the afternoon.
Or maybe I'll just
sit up on the Church roof until
someone pays for me to come down.
HE LAUGHS
Like a hunger striker,
yes, that certainly appeals to me.
I think you might be up there
for some considerable time.
Could you step here, driver.
The fact is, Adam,
none of these artsy craftsy ideas
are any good, are they?
You have an inner city Church
with inner city problems.
Might I suggest you quickly wise up
and find an inner city solution?
Right, I'll drop you off here.
Come along, unbuckle.
Busy people, busy lives, chop, chop.
Drive on.
CARS TOOT HORN
Oy, there's the Vicar!
Give us a wave. Oy, I've got
a confession to make.
What do think of this?
THEY LAUGH
Wahey!
What do you think of that
headmistress say, eh? Yeah!
Er, she's pretty formidable.
Oh, yeah! Boy, she can stick me
in detention any time.
I bet you get women after
you all the time, don't you?
Cos of this.
Yeah, a bit of authority,
girls love it.
Now then, I have taken the liberty of
speaking to my mate Sir Jeremy
from the Lunardi Foundation about
your window. Really?
And he thinks he can help. Passionate
about Burne-Jones stuff.
Loves all those boys who
look like girls.
Well, Patrick, that is
incredibly kind of you.
Now I'm sure he will meet most
of the restoration costs,
and I'm very happy to make a donation
myself as well.
I just wanted to have a quick
word with you about our Luke.
You've met him? Er, not, not really.
Oh, he's a great kid, lovely nature.
At heart.
I mean, he's not exactly
an academic high flyer, um,
I think it's fair to say.
Just like his Mum.
But I have always wanted him to go
somewhere like your little place,
you know, a good old Church school.
I mean that's, that's more my style,
and budget. I see.
So I thought if you could speak to
your friend Ellie and make sure
Luke gets into St Saviour's,
we'd be very grateful.
Yes. And I'd make sure Sir Jeremy
helped out with your window.
Yes, I see.
It would help me to
write a good Church referral
for you Patrick if you,
if you did actually come to Church.
OK, yeah. No, I see
what you're saying.
Yeah. We'll be, we'll be back
in on, on Sunday.
On your knees, avoid the fees.
I like your top, Ellie, is it Boden?
No. What is it
you want to talk about?
It looks great.
Um, Patrick Yam's son Luke,
I was thinking of giving him a good
Church reference for a place here.
Why? I've never seen them
at Church until this week.
Well, the thing is I do think
the boy will benefit enormously
from an education here.
Has Patrick offered you some money?
Me? No.
For your broken window?
What's the point of these
Church places, Ellie,
if I don't have a say?
He has offered you some money.
Tell you what, if you find a way
to get my sister that half-term
wedding date, I'll find a way
to take Patrick's boy.
Oh, right.
That way you get your window money,
my sister gets married,
and I get another middle-class
kid to give my stats a nudge.
Everyone's a winner.
No, this is good. This way
everyone wins. Patrick gets
his delinquent child
into a good school, Ellie gets
her wedding date and we get our
window restored.
What about Gemma and Vincent?
They've got to get married
at 2pm that Saturday.
They get canned, Nigel. No,
they don't get canned, Alex,
they just get postponed
a little bit, that's all.
Oh, so apart from them,
everyone wins.
They'll be OK, we can move them.
Nigel can move them.
This is not easy, OK, Alex, this
job, all that happens all day,
every day, all the time is that
people want things from you,
which is fine, it's a vocation,
but I do have to depend on a whole
lot of volunteers, some of whom
can't even wipe their own arses.
Nigel wipes his own arse.
I most certainly do.
Not always, Nigel, sometimes
I have to do it, and I have to do
Colin's arse and Adoha's.
I've never been
aware of your wiping.
Sometimes all I do, all day...
Don't say Colin's arse again.
..is wipe people's arses for them.
This way I get something back
for once for the Church.
I get our window fixed,
I get the Archdeacon off my back...
Right.
I'm going to go and tell
Gemma and Vincent they've got
to move their wedding date.
It's a small sin for a greater good.
'I'm sorry, Lord, that was wrong.
'I shouldn't have talked about
people's arses like that.
'It was a grotesque succession
of images.
'I'm just finding everything
a bit difficult.
'"On your knees, avoid the fees."
How did I get into this situation?
'I'm supposed to walk with
the broken, aren't I?
'Not horse trade with an admittedly
rather pretty headmistress,
'that toxic MP and
Gemma the barmaid.
'And why do you want me to be
a fundraiser the whole time?
'Why have you given me this
huge crumbling building
'and now this window to deal with?
'It's such a burden.
'Let's face it, it's not a
terribly good window really, is it?
'Speak to me, Lord,
your servant listens.'
Patrick, I want you to know that
I've thought long and hard about
your proposal and Luke's future
and I'm going to say that in this
particular instance we've decided
that Luke is a wonderful boy with
a great deal to recommend him,
but we won't take him.
What?
I'm not prepared to offer or trade a
school place for cash, I'm afraid.
Right, fine, whatever.
Is that why I'm here?
I-I-I couldn't care less.
Yeah, I bet all those rumours
are actually lies. I bet that
school's not good with elements
of outstanding, I bet that school is
poor with elements of shit, and I bet
that posh totty headmistress you
carry a rod in your cassock for
started these rumours herself.
It's what I'd have done.
Did she do that? Did she? No, I...
Well, actually... Maybe I could
start some rumours of my own about
how the place is an educational
car crash and let's see whose
rumours win, shall we?
What makes me angry is why
did I bother turning up to
Church all those times?
Well, you did actually only
come the once since... Even so.
I don't suppose there's any chance
that Sir Jeremy will still send
through a cheque for the window,
will he?
Let me have a think. No.
You bloody idiot!
There you go, Vicar. Hello, Gemma.
Vince is off to pick up the rings.
Oh, is he. Good. I've gone
for an ivory trouser suit. Mm.
And we've started a pub collection.
For your Church window.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
There's 90 quid in there.
£100 now.
After our wedding it'd be great to
have a chat with you about getting
our little Tia into your school.
She's ever so clever.
Oh, look it's the Vicar of Dibley.
Oy Dibley,
are you off to bum a choir boy?
Oy, Mr Vicar, are you
going to go and do a choir boy?
Why don't you just fuck off!
Hello, Colin. All right, Vicarage.
I'll tell you who's made me
very angry this afternoon.
Who's that, Colin?
That Professor and his book
about God being all deluded.
Oh, Richard Dawkins.
He's a twat, isn't he?
If I met him
I'd kick him in the bollocks.
I mean, he thinks that people who
believe in God are irrational
nutters, but I believe in God.
I don't know why you gave
that book out to people.
Well, I think it's such a
deeply flawed book, Colin,
that you shouldn't let it worry you.
Professor Dawkins only
believes in things if they can
be scientifically proven, but
there's still so much about God's
world that we don't understand.
Look.
Why is a snail shell a
perfect mathematical golden spiral?
Beautiful, isn't it?
And it doesn't need to be.
Yeah.
And he's baffled by the
idea of forgiveness. Yeah?
Mm. Well, good because I'm not going
to forgive him for his shit book.
Do you want some?
Thank you.
What are you going to do about
the window now, Vicarage?
I shall continue to
ask people for money.
And I will trust that the
good Lord will provide.
Did you ever find out
who broke it, Colin?
Nah, a total mystery.
I've decided it's too
difficult trying to solve crime.
Nobody owns up.
Well, thanks for looking into it.
Right. I ought to get back.
What do you do with these?
Oh, yeah, I play this game where
I see how far I can chuck 'em.
Watch this. Whey!
BOTTLE SMASHES
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