Resident Alien (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Girls' Night - full transcript

‐ Previously on "Resident Alien"...
This is what is left
of my spaceship.

‐ This happened to you
because you went to space.

‐ I don't think
that's how space works.

‐ What else could it be?
‐ I have no idea.

‐ That little shit pocket.

I forgot to tell you, my people
are coming to kill everyone.

‐ You're an alien,
you know, phone home.

Call them and tell them
not to come.

‐ I will try to build a radio
and contact my people.

‐ The government is after him.

They know
that I know who he is.



‐ What?

‐ And they went back
to their base,

and now they're driving around
searching for him.

‐ How do you know
where their base is?

‐ We have our ways.

‐ Hello, Asta.
We need to speak

with Dr. Vanderspeigle
about that severed foot.

Well, I'll be.

Botulinum toxin‐‐
the murder weapon.

‐ Oh, no.
‐ Where is he, Asta?

‐ He went to hide
in the cellar.

‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle!

‐ Whoa, what's with the guns?
‐ Asta?

‐ What in holy hell?



♪ ♪

‐ That faint one there is Mars,

the god of war.

And over there is Venus,
the goddess of fertility.

‐ Venus rhymes with penis.

‐ D'arcy, Judy,
that's not funny.

‐ Is there a girl hero?

‐ Olivia Baker, did we raise
our hand before we spoke?

‐ Ben didn't raise his hand.

‐ Ben is working
on being more assertive,

so it's okay for him.

‐ Wow, what's that?

‐ Let's go!
Asta, Kayla, come on!

‐ Cool!
‐ Wait up!

‐ Hey, hey!
Never leave a fire unattended.

‐ I'll stay.

♪ ♪

‐ Wait for me, kids.
Hey, you can't go alone!

♪ ♪

‐ I looked,
but there was nothing.

I didn't see anything.
‐ I did. I saw something.

‐ Olivia Baker, you know
the rules about lying.

♪ ♪

‐ Did you really see something?

‐ No.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle!

Dr. V!

Where the hell is he?
Oh, shit!

Put your hands
above your head right now.

You're under arrest
for the murder of Sam Hodges.

‐ What?
Harry, what's going on?

♪ ♪

‐ You're going to
have to catch me first.

‐ Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!

Deputy, we got
ourselves a werewolf!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hey! Hey!

‐ Don't shoot him!

‐ Him?
That's a goddamn it!

You need a silver bullet
in your ass,

you albino‐ass werewolf
mother‐‐

‐ No, he won't hurt you
if you don't hurt him!

He's an alien!

‐ I knew they existed.

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ Love and affection
is all that you lack ♪

‐ You know what?

I think we deserve a toast
with our toast.

Good work on the
Severed Foot Killer, Deputy.

It's gonna be nice to move on
to something else.

‐ Thank you, sir.
You too.

‐ Mmm.
‐ Mmm.

I don't want to put my "foot"

in my mouth...

‐ But I think we deserve
to have more of this bacon.

And maybe even a raise!

‐ Ha! You know what?

Now that I think about it,
you're absolutely right.

I mean, now's the time,
and you've certainly earned it.

Let's get some more
of that bacon.

♪ ♪

Morning, Dr. V.

‐ Howdy.

‐ How...dy.

‐ Wow, I guess it worked.

‐ I am an alien.

We are very good
at changing peoples' memories

to suit our purposes.

They will not be
a problem anymore.

♪ ♪

‐ Deputy, let's get
into the car

and drive out
to Dr. Vanderspeigle's house.

We need to talk to him
about some murder stuff.

‐ Sheriff Michael Thompson,
Deputy Olivia Baker,

Special Agent Fisher, FBI.

We're tracking down
the Dead Foot Killer.

We've been following
your movements

for quite some time now,

and I have to say,
you two do excellent work.

‐ Thank you. You've made me
feel good about myself,

so I'm open to what
you're going to say next.

‐ We wouldn't be where we are
if it wasn't for you both.

But the time has come for us
to take over this case.

‐ Well, if you're taking over,

we should stop
looking into the crime.

‐ Exactly. I can only tell you
one thing about the case.

The murderer is not
Harry Vanderspeigle.

‐ Well, you're lucky
they bought that.

You know, when we were
in the crevasse,

I saw you were an alien.

Why didn't you replace
my memory?

‐ Because I am not alone
anymore.

You can thank me if you want.

‐ For what?

‐ I killed the man who killed
your friend Sam.

You are welcome.

‐ Okay, Harry...
‐ Hmm?

‐ You're still a murderer.

‐ No. I am a murderer murderer.
It's very different.

‐ You can rationalize your
murderer murder all damn day.

But guess what.

Abigail Hodges is still accused
of a murder she didn't commit.

‐ So what?
You do not even like her.

‐ What is wrong with you?

Do you really have
no empathy whatsoever?

‐ That is not
what is wrong with me.

That is what is right with me.

‐ Maybe you should try

putting yourself
in other people's shoes.

‐ Ugh! Other people's shoes
smell like other people's feet.

‐ Hi, I'm Ben Hawthorne,

Mayor of peaceful
Patience, Colorado,

where sometimes
bad things happen

that are totally unrelated.

Some of the highest peaks
in Colorado

are right here in Patience,
but you know what's really low?

Our mortality rate.

‐ I don't think
you should say "mortality."

‐ No?
‐ No.

‐ No good? You're right,
it's a little too dark.

‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Yeah. Uh, Alexa?

What is another word
for "mortality"?

‐ Synonyms for "mortality"
meaning "death"

include "fatality,"
"bloodshed," or "dying."

‐ Alexa, stop.

Uh, you know what?

Let's just lose the whole,
you know, death theme.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah. Keep it positive.

‐ Yeah, keep it light.
‐ Keep it loose.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Okay, let me, uh‐‐

let me just try some of these.

Come on down to Patience.

We still have
a working phone booth.

We have a pretty good dentist.

Our meth hospitalizations
have been way down

since we legalized marijuana.

So come to Patience

for some good, clean
family fun, you hear?

‐ Oh! Oops

How'd that get in there?

‐ See, honey, this is‐‐
this is why I said not to use

the cloud for these‐‐
it's not safe.

‐ Oh, don't be so uptight.

What's the worst
that happens, huh?

Somebody hacks into our account

and sees pictures
of our BDSM kink play?

‐ What's BDSM kink play?
‐ It's‐‐uh, it's‐‐

‐ Did we get a new game?
‐ It's nothing.

It's nothing.
No, we did not, okay?

Go clean your room‐‐my cousin
Carlyn's coming for the night.

‐ Can I play kink play
with you and your cousin?

No!

‐ Uh, because
she and I are going hiking.

You go clean your room.

‐ So how long will building
this radio take?

Can I help?
‐ Ha! Ha!

I don't know. Can a newborn pig
help perform cardiac surgery?

‐ All right, you might want
to think of another metaphor

before I push you into traffic.

I'm just trying to save
the human race here.

‐ My problem is I do not have
a lot of time to build it,

and human technology
is very limited.

‐ I don't know
what to tell you, Harry.

Get creative.

You know, E. T. used
a freakin' Speak & Spell.

‐ E. T. was an idiot.

Obviously, sexy.

Very attractive...

but so dumb.

‐ Well, at least we have
fewer distractions

now that your criminal past
is taken care of.

‐ Almost taken care of.

Now it is taken care of.
‐ Are you serious?

Maybe don't throw
a deadly toxin

where any kid can just grab it.
‐ Mm.

‐ Have you not watched enough
"Law & Order" to know

you don't just throw evidence
into a trash can?

Who's the idiot now?

‐ Still E. T.

Beautiful moron.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

What?

‐ Dr. Vanderspeigle,
I am so glad you're home.

This is my cousin Carlyn.

‐ Hi. Sorry.

‐ We were out hiking, and she
tripped and cut her knee open.

I was hoping you could help.
‐ And she's dying?

‐ Oh, no.
It just needs to be looked at.

‐ I was gonna take her
into town,

but Dr. Smallwood is...

Well, Susan Brown went in
with a broken wrist

and came out
with a cast on her ankle.

‐ If I fix it...

you'll leave?

‐ Uh, yes.

‐ Mm.

‐ Oh, this looks like
a ring resonator.

Are you‐‐
are you building a laser?

‐ Are you a talking ham?

‐ Carlyn works in a lab
at New Mexico Tech.

She's one smart lady.
‐ I'm impressed.

For a layman,
this is really quite advanced.

‐ It is software‐based

radio‐telemetry‐transceiver
technology,

but the inside‐out
potato chip bag

that I'm using as
a diffuser keeps melting.

‐ Wow.

I've never known a guy
who was into SDR

who wasn't also,
like, you know, a troll.

‐ Trolls live under bridges.

I am not one of them.

‐ It means she thinks
you're handsome.

♪ ♪

‐ I have a handsome human face.

And my skin tone is the same
as a dead soldier

in a Renaissance painting.

‐ ♪ I'm just messin' around ♪

♪ I'm just messin' around,
around ♪

♪ I'm just messin' around ♪

‐ Oh. Yes.

‐ ♪ Around,
and I like it ♪

‐ Just, whatever you do,
don't eat the snacks.

‐ Benny. Kate.

Long time, no see‐‐
well, together anyway.

I saw you up close
and personal the other night.

‐ What other night?

‐ Poker.

Why? What night did you think
I was talking about?

‐ Hi, I'm Carlyn.
‐ Hey. D'arcy.

So can I get you guys
some sliders?

Day‐old buns help disguise
the week‐old meat.

‐ We'll just‐‐
we'll stick to liquids.

‐ We just wanted to show Carlyn
the town, and now we have.

It took about nine minutes.

‐ Well, if you're here tonight,

my friend Kayla
just called a GN59.

It's, like, a party but with
a decent chance of prison time.

‐ Sounds fun.

‐ Yeah. Yeah.

When anything stressful
or shitty happens,

anyone in our friend group
can call a GN59.

You have to drop everything

and go tits out
on a huge girls' night.

Yeah, it's really fun.
You should come.

‐ Well, can't tonight.
We have dinner plans.

But, uh, wouldn't mind ordering
a few drinks, though,

if you can just find
that bartender.

‐ Oh, come on, Kate‐o.

You just said you'd seen
everything in the town.

‐ Yeah, we should
totally do it.

I mean, when's the last time

you let Kendra out
to play, huh?

‐ Who's Kendra?

‐ Kendra was her alter ego
when she drank too much.

Oh, yeah, she brought her out
at a family reunion once‐‐

real wild child.

Oh, I'm sad.
You've never met Kendra.

‐ Yeah. News to me.
‐ I'm sad, too.

‐ Uh, I'll have a pilsner,
what would you ladies like?

‐ Come on.

‐ Okay.

Okay. Let's do it.

‐ Oh.
‐ We'll do it.

‐ Oh, but, hon,
we already got a sitter.

‐ Perfect. Call a friend.
You can go out, too.

Ugh! Yes!

Can we get
some service around here?

‐ Hey, Sahar, I need your help.

Wait, when did you get a dog?

‐ I'm not allowed
to have a dog.

I walk Cinnamon
for my neighbors.

She hasn't pooped
in three days.

‐ Why not?

‐ She swallowed
a whole avocado.

I don't walk
behind her anymore.

‐ Ew!

You got to help me shave again.

‐ Your face looks fine.

‐ It's not my face.

‐ Oh. What?
‐ What?

‐ I need a lawnmower for that!
‐ What do I do?

‐ I can help you,

but we're gonna need
some privacy.

I found it last week.

Your mom's phone
still had battery.

They just...

left it here.

‐ Cool.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Okay.

All right,
where are we going, General?

♪ ♪

No.

No, no, no.
No, don't die on me now.

Come on.

Come on.

♪ ♪

Damn it!

Where the hell
am I gonna find a new dish?

♪ ♪

‐ I feel bad doing this.

♪ ♪

‐ Why aren't you looking?

‐ It's against my religion
to look at the naked back

of a man who's not my relative
or my husband.

Plus, it's disgusting.

‐ Is it gonna hurt?

‐ My mom says when she waxes
her legs,

it feels like being stung
by a thousand hornets.

‐ Then why does she do it?

‐ Because as soon
as we hit puberty,

Western culture tells women
we're not okay as we are.

We must rip out stuff
that's supposed to be there,

insert stuff that's not
supposed to be there,

and bleach everything visible
to the naked eye.

‐ Hey, being a man
is hard, too.

I have to brush
my teeth sometimes.

‐ I take it back.
I don't feel bad anymore.

‐ Aah!

‐ Miguel...

my belle.

‐ What the hell did you
just call me?

‐ No, nothing, bro‐ham.

Just, uh, taking
a little breaky, you know?

A little break‐a‐rindo.

Dog toy.

Oh, you got one
of those, uh, Zen gardens.

I love these things.

May I?

Yep. Yeah, more, uh,
relaxed already.

So, um, I was just wondering‐‐

I'll‐‐I'll get that.

Hey, uh, you ever tried
those wheat beers?

You know, the one where
you put the lemon in there?

I hear they're, uh‐‐
they're pretty tasty.

‐ What do you want, bro‐ham?

What, are you asking me out
on a date or something?

‐ No, no.
Uh, well, yeah.

Uh, but a guy date‐‐
guy hang, you know?

Just a couple brews,
mano a mano,

"caliente accione."

‐ Look, I ain't got time
for that, okay?

I take care of
my father at home.

‐ Sure.

‐ Now, I need you to clean up
all this damn sand

'cause I need 30 minutes
of raking every day

so I can relax.

‐ I happen to know
that Lewis would love

to get out of the house
and have a beer.

‐ I'll think about it.
How about that?

I'll‐‐I'll think about it.
‐ He'll definitely be there.

‐ ♪ I've got you stuck
in my head ♪

‐ Thanks for letting us crash
your party.

‐ The more, the merrier.

You know, a few GN59s ago,

we actually needed
a few extra people

and a wheelbarrow
to carry D'arcy home.

‐ Oh, wait. No.

‐ Yeah.
I came prepared this time.

I might need to make
a quick getaway, so...

Hey. Hi.
‐ Hi.

‐ Hi.
‐ Hi, this is my cousin Carlyn.

‐ Hi. Kayla.
‐ Hey.

‐ Nice to meet you.
‐ Are you okay? What happened?

‐ Yeah, is everything okay
with Shane?

‐ Yes. Yeah, he's fine.

I just needed
to get out of the house.

‐ Oh, okay, I was worried.

‐ Can I just say‐‐
as a mom, I'm with you.

Sometimes needing to get out
of the house is an emergency.

‐ Yes. Yes, thank you.

You know, you just need
a kid‐ and a man‐free zone.

‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Amen to that.

I mean, I don't have a kid
or a man,

but, you know, anecdotal
evidence would support that.

The town I live in,
all the men really suck.

My lab supervisor thinks
grabbing my buttocks

is one of his job perks.

‐ Ew.
‐ I was really beginning

to think I was never gonna meet
a nice guy.

Till today, that is.

‐ Wait, you met a guy here?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Today?
‐ In Patience?

‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ No way. Who?

‐ Jesus God.
‐ Oh.

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ I've got you stuck
in my head ♪

‐ What are you doing here?

You told me that every minute
you're not working on the radio

is a minute we all come closer
to certain death.

‐ I am working on the radio,

but without a diffuser,
it will never work.

The pony‐haired one's cousin

is a scientist in a lab...

that uses portable diffusers.

‐ So what?

‐ I know that I am not
as pretty as E. T.

‐ I do not have
his bulbous football head

or his squat corgi legs
or his...

platypus feet,

but I can be a charming alien

when I need to be.

Mm, mm, mm.

‐ ♪ When you were here
before ♪

‐ So do you come here a lot?

♪ ♪

‐ Mm.

Of all the gin joints
in all the world,

this one is closest
to my house.

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ I wish I was special ♪

♪ You're so very... ♪

‐ What is that perfume?

‐ Jergens Intense
Moisture Therapy.

I did a BM earlier,
so I had to wash them.

I get acute dermatitis

'cause I scrub them so often
in the lab,

so I carry it in my purse.

‐ Mm. I don't wash my hands
after I urinate.

The skin on my penis
is very clean.

‐ ♪ I don't belong here ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Gram keeps asking
about Harry.

‐ Uh‐huh.
‐ I think she likes him.

I think she wants you
to have his baby.

‐ Ew! Gross! Shut up!

You shut up.

‐ Hey, actually, can I ask

your professional opinion
about something?

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ What do you think is gonna
happen to Abigail Hodges?

You know, Sam's wife?

Um, you think
she's gonna go to jail?

‐ You know, criminal law
isn't really my area,

but from what I've read,

I don't think
they're gonna get a conviction.

‐ Oh.
‐ Yeah, sorry.

‐ No, that's good.
‐ Oh.

‐ Um, you know, I mean,
if she‐‐if she didn't do it.

‐ Oh, but she probably did.
I mean, it's always the spouse.

I'm a lawyer, too.

‐ No way.
Where do you practice?

‐ I don't.

I gave up my dream to be a mom
and live in this tiny town.

Now I'm happy. Shots?

♪ ♪

‐ I would like to...

go by your work.

Maybe you could give me
a tour of your lab.

‐ Oh.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ I love
that you're interested.

That's very flattering,
but I can't.

‐ Oh.

‐ Security is so tight,
not dissimilar to my vagina.

‐ Your vagina is like a lab?

‐ Yeah, it's‐‐
it's tough to get in.

‐ It is?

‐ Lots of neat stuff
once you're there.

‐ Are there monkeys in cages?
‐ No.

‐ Maybe it would be funny...

Ha ha ha!

A big joke if you stole

a telemetry diffuser...

‐ And gave it to me.

‐ They would freak out.

‐ They would freak out.
You could be so funny.

You're a kidder.

‐ You should do it.

‐ Oh, my God.
‐ Do it!

‐ No.
‐ Do it.

‐ But you are so sweet to ask.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh.

‐ Hey, is that Liv?

Tell her to hurry up.
She's late.

‐ Uh, no, it's just Jay.
Just guy drama.

‐ Oh. Wow, you‐‐you guys text?

‐ Yeah, mostly emojis.
Mostly eggplants.

‐ Wow, that's cool.
You guys are buddies now.

‐ Hey, GN59rs.

Hey!
‐ Sorry, I'm late!

Trixie wouldn't start.
I had to jump her again.

‐ Thank God
you're finally here.

‐ Hey‐o! Sorry!
I'm late, too.

But I'm here, though,
finally, right?

Ooh, thank you.
I could use that.

‐ That's‐‐
Never mind.

‐ Ugh, what is that?

‐ It's a gin and tonic.

Oh.

‐ Ugh, it's, like, fancy.

Okay, I got to piss.
I'll be back.

‐ You text her?
‐ No!

How does she always know?
‐ She always knows.

♪ ♪

‐ All right.

All right, this is great.

Nope, wife in the corner.
We're out of here.

‐ Where else do you plan
to go, son?

This isn't New York City.

‐ Hey! Benny!

Your girl's
safe with me, okay?

But am I safe with her?
‐ Oh.

‐ Do you have any beer
with rat poison in it?

‐ ♪ Swing, little darling ♪

♪ Swing until your daddy
come home ♪

‐ Kate, you did good.

It was so nice of Ben to take
the Sheriff out for a drink.

‐ Ben is so sweet.

‐ No, he's not.
He's a dirty little bitch.

‐ Hmm.
‐ I'm sorry?

Gird your loins, ladies.

I think Kendra has arrived.
‐ Oh, yeah.

The mayor is
a nasty piece of work.

I cannot wait to get home

and let him slap
a puppy hood on me

and jam a ball gag in my mouth.

‐ Oh, what?

‐ Ben‐‐
the one who makes candles?

‐ Uh, the wax he has
isn't just for candles.

I have a nine‐inch ice dildo
in my freezer

that Max thinks is
for my water bottles.

‐ Oh, God,
this is my favorite night.

This is the best night
of my life.

‐ Can you please stop looking
at your wife?

It's weird.
‐ Look, I, uh‐‐

I got to talk to you
about something.

It's driving me crazy.

Okay, so, about a week ago,

D'arcy sort of...

kissed me.

It was a drive‐by.
Not my fault.

No tongue.

Some tongue.

I just‐‐I really think
that I should tell Kate.

‐ Have you‐‐
have you lost your mind?

You don't ever tell, never.

‐ Now, hold on a minute‐‐the
man said he didn't reciprocate.

‐ It don't matter.

This is something you take
to your grave, okay?

‐ Well, maybe I could, um‐‐

I could write her a note,

you know,
explaining what happened.

‐ You want to‐‐
you want to write her a note?

Okay. All right, look,
here's what I want you to do.

Here go $5.

Now, I want you to go down
to the mall.

All right, you know that kiosk

where they'll write your name
on a grain of rice?

Right, you're gonna give
that guy that $5.

He gonna write your note
on the end of a bullet, right?

Now, I want you
to take that bullet.

I want you to put it in a gun
and go home

and stand in your bathtub.

Now, you also gonna need
a phone book‐‐

not something thin
like Patience,

something with some girth
like‐‐like Denver, right?

And you gonna put
that phone book

up against one side
of your head,

and you gonna take that gun

and put it
against the other side, right?

And then you're gonna shoot you
right in the head,

and that bullet's gonna fly
right through and lodge itself

right around the D's,
for dumbass.

And she'll get your note.

♪ ♪

‐ But I'm dead.

‐ You tell her,
you dead anyway.

‐ You guys, what the hell
is happening over there?

‐ Ooh, I think we know
what's going to happen.

Oh...
‐ I don't‐‐I don't trust him.

‐ Your pulse is quickening.

Your upper sternum
is becoming flushed.

You are becoming aroused.

‐ I am now.
‐ Hey, Harry.

Can I please talk to you
for a second?

‐ I am so busy.
‐ Now.

♪ ♪

‐ Don't go changing.

♪ ♪

What is it?

She is about to present
like an engorged macaque.

‐ You are preying
on this woman.

‐ I am not preying on her.

I am seducing her so
I can steal her security badge,

then I can break into the lab
and steal a diffuser,

and then finish my radio.

‐ That's a terrible plan.

You're gonna swipe her badge

and‐‐and just use it
at some high‐security lab

and think no one will notice?

More importantly,

you‐‐you can't just use people
like that.

It's cruel.

‐ I am giving her compliments.

She is happy like a baby,

like a stupid, happy baby.

‐ You'll just never understand
what it's like to be a woman.

‐ That is true.

♪ ♪

I am going to leave now.

Good night!

‐ Wait, what just happened?
‐ Uh...

‐ What‐‐what did I do?
‐ Nothing. I'm sorry.

All the men
in this town suck, too.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Don't sweat it, Carly Q.

It's supposed to be
a girls' night anyway.

‐ Yeah, that's easy
for you to say.

I saw that ice dildo
in your freezer.

‐ Whoo!
‐ Okay, all right.

Okay, uh, Judy's clothes
are coming off.

Time to go to the yacht spot.
Come on.

‐ Ooh, we're going on a boat?

‐ Uh, no, Asta used to have
this station wagon

we called "The Yacht,"
and we'd drive it

to the middle of the woods
and drink and sing like idiots.

‐ And, plus,
it's where I usually barf,

so it's kind of like a boat
in that way.

‐ Oh.
‐ I should go.

You know, I got to get up early
and drive, so...

No.

‐ Okay.
Well, I'll come with you.

‐ No, no, no, you stay.
I'm fine.

‐ You sure?
‐ Uh, she's sure.

When you brought ice dildos
into this conversation,

you made a commitment
to this night.

‐ This takes me back, man.
You want to go back?

What?
Oh, Jesus Christ.

‐ You feel it, Sheriff?
‐ Ah...

‐ You want to feel it?
‐ Oh, Lord, have mercy.

‐ Aw, come on.
Dance with the girl.

‐ Is that what you call it?

Hey, don't be pushing me
off the stool.

What's wrong with you? Okay.
All right, yeah, go ahead.

‐ Hey, hon, you, uh‐‐you
heading home to pay the sitter?

‐ Nope, you pay her.
We are going to the yacht spot.

‐ Ooh.

‐ I cannot wait
for the re‐election campaign.

It's‐‐Respect, okay?

‐ We're so proud of you.
‐ I'm really proud of you.

‐ Do you need‐‐do you need ice
in that drink?

‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ Tell me more about the guy
who does the rice thing.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ You remember
class camping trips out here?

‐ Yes.

Third grade,
D'arcy rolling in poison ivy...

on a dare.

We had to take turns
itching her.

‐ Oh, my God.

Oh.

She's always been so her.

She's free.

Not everyone can be like that.

‐ Everyone loves her.

It's a superpower...

not caring what anyone thinks.

‐ Everyone loves you, too.

‐ Yes, but it's only
because I'm nice.

You gave me a ticket once

for locking my bike
to a stop sign.

You're not that nice.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, Christ on a cracker!

‐ What?
‐ No!

‐ No!

‐ Oh, relax,
you complete degenerates.

I keep a battery charger
in my trunk!

‐ Poop car! Poop car!

‐ Oh, Liv, I can't believe you
still drive this death trap.

‐ Oh, it's fine.
I'm used to it.

‐ You know, I read recently
that they make new cars now.

‐ John wants
a new riding mower,

and we have money
set aside for that, so...

‐ John's getting
a new riding mower

before you get a car
that actually works?

‐ Well, it was my idea.

He makes more than I do,
so it's fair.

‐ Hold up.
John makes more than you?

I do what John does.

You put your life
on the line every day.

When‐‐when's the last time
you got a raise?

‐ I've never gotten a raise.

‐ What?
Oh.

‐ Okay, no, no.
‐ Wow.

‐ I'm not sure
this is a good idea.

‐ Oh, it's not,
but we're doing it anyway.

‐ As a city employee,

your salary is part
of the town's budget.

So we got to figure out
how big is this pie

and why is your piece
so goddamn small.

‐ Especially when
you're a freakin' Picasso.

Did you draw this picture?

‐ Yeah, I draw police
composites of criminals,

which we are now.

‐ Hey! This is my
husband's office, okay?

We can be wherever we want.

‐ We didn't technically
break in, because we had a key.

‐ Judy!
‐ Judy!

‐ Shh! Stop!

‐ Wait, found it, found it,
found it.

"Civic Payroll for the Town
of Patience, Colorado."

‐ No one's gonna know.

‐ As a woman in this world,

you need to fight
for what you deserve.

And you deserve
a goddamn raise.

Ugh. Jesus Christ!
Who's Peter Jignac?

‐ I think he's, um,
a crossing guard, I think.

‐ He makes enough for a new
riding mower and a new car.

‐ What?

‐ Who's Brandon Touter?
‐ Oh.

He's the new science teacher.

He's actually
a really nice guy.

‐ Well, he makes twice
what you do.

‐ Prick.

‐ What? Weren't you a lawyer?

‐ I have a JD/PhD.
What the ‐‐‐‐?

‐ Who the hell is in charge
of this budget?

‐ I know who.

He lives in my goddamn house.

‐ ♪ For all the ones
who bum me out ♪

‐ ♪ Shit list ♪

‐ ♪ For all the ones who fill
my head with doubt ♪

‐ ♪ Shit list ♪

‐ ♪ For all the squares
who get me pissed ♪

‐ ♪ Shit list ♪

‐ ♪ You've made my shit list ♪

♪ Shit list ♪

♪ ♪

Kidnappers!

‐ Oh, no. Oh, no. Nope.

‐ Wake up.

‐ You're not having
a nightmare, Ben. We are.

‐ You know what's a nightmare?

Getting paid 76 cents
on the dollar.

‐ What?

‐ Yeah, there is
a blatant pay gap

between the male and female
employees of this town.

‐ What? No, a‐a‐as mayor,
I only sign off on budgets‐‐

‐ A‐a‐as mayor,
you need to fix this!

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Yeah, the blatant sexism
makes me sick.

‐ Yeah, damn right.
‐ Sick.

‐ Oh, honey.
‐ It's really gross.

‐ Sick to my stomach.
‐ No, no.

‐ Oh.
‐ Oh, God, no.

‐ Oh.

‐ You're my best friend.

‐ That's right.
‐ I love you.

‐ You see that?
‐ It's coming up.

‐ It hurts.

‐ Harry.

I brought coffee.

We're gonna need to make a plan
about that radio‐‐

Oh, God!

No! Don't tell me
you hooked up with Harry.

‐ Okay, I will not.

‐ Wait.

♪ ♪

Harry?
‐ Hi, Asta.

‐ Oh, God! Shit!

‐ You have to come with me
to New Mexico,

but, first, can you teach me
how to pee?

‐ She hasn't blinked
the entire trip.

♪ ♪

Oh, this is wrong, Harry.

♪ ♪

Ooh.

Ah!
Wrong and super weird.

‐ It was your idea for me
to become her.

‐ No, no, no, no, no,
do not put this on me.

I would never tell you
to take over a woman's body

without her consent.

‐ She wanted me to take over
her body last night

with my penis,
but I did not do that.

‐ Oh, God, no.

It's not just
about her body, okay?

It's a whole life
we're invading.

There has to be a better way.

‐ To access a microsatellite
network in time

to tell my people
not to come here

and melt you all like crayons
in a hot car?

I'll wait.

Shit.

Shit. Shit.

‐ Right here?
‐ No, no, Harry.

Let's just get this over with.

That's what you were wearing
last night,

so you have to go change
before you get to the lab.

‐ This body is quite stout.

‐ Hurry.

‐ Fine.

‐ This doesn't make any sense.

This says plasma levels

of testosterone
and triiodothyronine

were diminished
after space flight,

but it seems like
your testosterone levels

are getting higher.

What am I missing?

I mean, do you feel like
it's accelerating?

♪ ♪

Why are you looking
at me like that?

‐ Hello, pretty lady.

‐ Oh, no!

‐ So is this it now?

You're just gonna change
into different people

whenever you want?

‐ Under normal circumstances,

it is too difficult
to do often,

but the energy balls
from my ship

make it effortless,

and they work on the organic
matter in clothing as well.

Except I think it got
my bra size wrong.

The wire leaves dents
in my skin.

‐ Yeah, well, wait until
you put on a thong.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, yes.

♪ ♪

‐ Working late,
Carlyn, my darlin'?

‐ I'm just trying to...

bring home
the salt‐cured pork slices.

Good night.

‐ Why don't you stick around
for a bit?

‐ ♪ I think you got it all
figured out ♪

‐ ♪ But you ain't got a clue ♪

‐ Aah!

‐ ♪ When's gonna be the time
I say enough is enough? ♪

‐ ♪ I ain't nobody's sucker ♪

♪ Nobody's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Are you sure she's not
gonna feel any different?

‐ I mean, what does she think
happened to her

in the last 24 hours?

‐ She will remember
going to sleep

at Mayor Snowflake's house,
driving home in the morning,

and then having a pleasant nap
on the couch.

‐ Long nap.

‐ She likes long naps.

And it is better than being
awake for her real life.

Her boss is a bad man.

‐ Yeah, she said
something about that.

‐ Mm.
He will not bother her again.

‐ What did you do?

‐ The same thing
you would have done...

if you had
the strength of six gorillas.

I am glad
to be out of her body.

People treated it
like break‐room yogurt.

‐ Even though her name
was on it,

they felt comfortable
molesting it

when they were hungry.

It is awful being short.

‐ Harry, that's not
because she's short.

That's being a woman.
Welcome to our world.

‐ You mean you all feel
the eyes hunting you

like a baby deer in the woods,
just walking down the street?

‐ Yeah. I tried to tell you.

You know, next time a woman
tries to tell you something,

sit down, shut up, and listen.

And if you feel the need
to say anything,

all it needs
to be is, "Yes, ma'am."

♪ ♪

‐ Yes. Yes.

Mm.

Yes!

♪ ♪

‐ Sit down, space man.

♪ ♪

Sit!

I know all about
your silver balls.

I know Max stole one,
and that's why he's been acting

like springtime lions
in those nature videos,

but I also know
you knew he had a ball

and did nothing to stop him.

Guess what. You're not getting
your ball back.

I've hidden it
where you'll never find it,

and I'm guessing now
that it's gone,

Max will go back to normal.

And if he doesn't,
you are going to hear from me.

Do you understand?

‐ Yes, ma'am.

♪ ♪

‐ Good.

‐ Humans believe they
all deserve certain rights‐‐

the right to be heard,
the right to be respected.

Asking for what you deserve
in life should not be so hard,

but for others,

asking for what they deserve
can be very difficult.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey, D'arce!

‐ Okay!
Yes, girl!

‐ What do you think?
‐ Wow, very fancy, girl!

Get your things!

‐ Thank you!
‐ Okay.

‐ Posting flyers is against
Patience civil code 1‐8‐22.

‐ And actually getting
what they deserve

sometimes requires
an act of heroism.

♪ ♪

‐ Whoo! Ha!

‐ Women of Patience,
have patience no more!

We demand equal pay!

Way to go, D'arce!

♪ ♪

Wow, it's D'arcy.

♪ ♪

God, she is incredible,
don't you think?

‐ Honey, there's something
I got to tell you.

♪ ♪

‐ What is it?

♪ ♪

‐ I'm gonna have a word
with the town assembly

and fix this pay gap.

‐ Yeah, you are.

Wow.

Way to be assertive, honey.

It's very sexy.

♪ ♪