Resident Alien (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Wire - full transcript
Harry has a plan to save Asta and himself but first he must attend the Sheriff's poker game.
‐ Previously
on "Resident Alien"...
‐ I need to go home.
‐ You're taking me home, right?
‐ Ahh!
‐ Harry, you can't fix it.
‐ I have to.
If I do not, I am stuck here.
‐ If someone sees this,
then things
will get worse for you.
‐ What's that?
‐ A survival kit.
‐ Botulinum is injectable.
Maybe all he or she would need
to do is inject a toxin
into a single insulin vial.
Both the boot and the foot
were found in the same area.
What if they fought inside,
and then Harry
threw dead foot guy
through the front doors?
‐ And I throw you in the lake.
‐ Looks like we might have
a new prime suspect.
‐ You didn't complete
your mission.
They'll just send someone else
to kill everyone for you.
‐ Everyone, including Asta?
‐ She's a human, so yes.
‐ This cannot happen.
♪ ♪
Hello?
Asta?
Hello?
♪ ♪
Asta?
♪ ♪
Where is everybody?
♪ ♪
Asta?
♪ ♪
D'arcy?
♪ ♪
Ahh!
D'arcy.
What happened to you?
‐ You...
Sorry‐‐you let me die.
You let us all die, big bummer.
‐ Asta.
‐ Way too late for her.
‐ No, not Asta.
‐ She's dead because of you.
‐ I have to help her.
‐ Help her what,
get a better burial site?
Come on, I mean,
she's at the top of the hill.
It's as good as you can get.
I'm down by the pond
and geese.
I'll just say that.
So feeling bad yet?
'Cause you should.
‐ I have to save her.
Asta!
♪ ♪
Asta, Asta!
‐ Asta!
♪ ♪
‐ Scary.
♪ ♪
‐ I did some digging.
In 2015 and '16,
Dr. Vanderspeigle was working
at St. Helens Hospital
in New York,
so I left a message,
to get some background on him.
‐ Hold on.
What is this I'm seeing?
‐ Did he come out?
‐ No, it's like some kind
of hawk in a tree
over there ripping apart
a mouse or some shit.
It is nasty.
Mother Nature
takes no prisoners, Deputy.
‐ Can I look?
‐ That's a no‐go.
What if he comes out and kills
somebody during the handoff?
Go ahead and twizzle me.
Okay, all right.
Here comes our
not‐so‐good doctor right now.
What's he doing
with all them buckets of dirt?
That's a lot of dirt
right there.
‐ Maybe he's burying something
under the cellar,
or someone.
♪ ♪
‐ Man, that's enough dirt
for like five adults,
or maybe three adult bodies,
and five children,
and maybe two jockeys.
Speaking of jockeys,
when was the last time
you saw Todd Campbell?
‐ My dentist?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Are you suggesting
he's a jockey?
‐ Well, the man's short,
he's bowlegged,
and he wears stripes.
That's a goddamn jockey.
Why you want him drilling
in your damn teeth
I'll never know.
♪ ♪
‐ Summertime.
My people love the cold.
But this body certainly
prefers these warm days.
The smell of flowers,
the sound of bugs
rubbing their legs together
for mating season.
It is more peaceful.
‐ Whoo!
‐ Yeah!
‐ Ah, whoo!
‐ Whoo!
‐ Yeah, baby!
‐ I hate this place.
‐ Are you looking for a better
place to go this summer?
Hi, I'm Mayor Mitch.
Summer's just
around the corner,
and I can't wait to welcome you
to Jessup, Colorado,
the safest town around.
Come taste our world‐famous
mountain spring water.
We have the most pristine
lakes in Colorado,
perfect for boating
and swimming,
and if you love fishing,
we have five varieties
of trout
and zero varieties
of dead human feet.
When people disappear
in Jessup,
it's in our world‐famous
corn maze,
so if you're out of patience,
and you just want to have
some fun, come visit us.
'Cause here in Jessup the only
murder you'll see is onstage
at our summer
Shakespeare festival.
‐ Cool.
I'm just gonna put some cyanide
in my coffee and call it a day.
‐ This is pathetic.
You've been digging
for a week.
You wouldn't have
to do any of this
if you had just gone home
like you were supposed to.
‐ I could not go home
with that kid on board.
I could never get him
past customs.
‐ Yeah, that's why
there's an eject button.
That kid's body should have
been a shooting star
over Texas.
‐ You don't know anything
about space.
You are a Colorado octopus.
‐ Is that where we are?
Shit.
I thought this was India.
That is an Indian rug.
You are appropriating
their culture.
That's not a good look, man.
‐ I saw it at a red tag sale
for $5.
I had to buy it.
Plus, I think it really
brings the room together.
‐ Listen to you.
you‐‐that's a great price,
by the way.
You're becoming one of them.
Look how human you are.
You're even vulnerable
to your own people's attack.
‐ I am not because I will cut
a hole in your octopus body
and wear you
as a protective octo‐suit
when they come to eradicate
all human life.
‐ Wow, is this how
you treat a house guest?
Then I'm glad
I didn't get you a gift.
♪ ♪
‐ Who has touched this?
♪ ♪
That little shit bucket.
♪ ♪
Okay, little dickhead.
Play with my alien technology.
You deserve what's going
to happen to you.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Oh, oh, wow.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa!
Whoa.
♪ ♪
‐ With my people coming
to kill everyone on Earth,
I will need a bunker
to survive.
I will fix it up
and present it
to Asta as her new home.
We will live,
and all the beer‐drinking
douchebags can fry.
♪ ♪
‐ Have a good day.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Oh, Ben.
‐ Yeah?
‐ Are you serious?
She cannot be the new doctor.
‐ Dr. Smallwood
is a wonderful physician.
You know, she was part
of the first stream of women
to graduate
from Harvard medical school.
‐ Yeah, in the 1940s.
‐ Years of experience.
‐ Are you the little girl
with the broken arm?
‐ No, I'm still the nurse.
Your patient is
down that hallway.
‐ Thank you, dear.
‐ Hello there, Dr. Smallwood.
It's nice to see you again.
‐ Hello, I know a Hawthorne
when I see one.
‐ Ah, top of her game,
as always.
‐ Send my best to your
twin brother, the mayor.
Tell him I think
he's doing a dynamite job.
‐ I will do that.
‐ Can you please tell Dr. Ethan
to come back?
‐ He texted me.
There was a family emergency.
He can't come back.
‐ What am I supposed to do?
I'm here all alone.
‐ She's very experienced.
‐ Asta, Asta, come on.
Let's go.
Time's a‐wasting.
‐ Sorry, D'arce.
I can't leave.
Dr. Smallwood just started,
and it's pretty rough.
‐ Dr. Smallwood?
What are you talking about?
She's been dead
for like 30 years.
‐ Hello.
‐ Oh, God, ghost.
‐ I just saw your brother.
‐ Look, it'll be fine.
Ellen's here.
Please go enjoy
your day off, okay?
Mayor's orders.
‐ Yeah, let's get the heck
out of here before she starts
crawling around
on the ceiling on all fours.
Come on.
‐ Okay, okay.
I'll get my things.
‐ Have you‐‐is it supposed
to rain tomorrow still?
‐ Why are you acting so weird?
‐ What?
‐ Oh, my God.
Are you uncomfortable because
you kissed me last week?
‐ Wow, just gonna shout
that in public.
That's wonderful.
It was actually you
who kissed me.
‐ Oh, no siree, no.
That's not how it went down.
‐ It is how it went down.
‐ You want me to reenact it?
‐ Look, I'll be you, you be me,
and I'll kiss you.
grab your butt,
and show you how you did it.
Come on.
Come on over here.
‐ No, no.
‐ I'll demonstrate.
‐ Very funny.
‐ That's how you were.
‐ Not gonna happen.
‐ You were like‐‐
‐ No.
‐ Handy.
Oh, you're touching my butt.
You're touching my butt.
‐ Nope.
‐ You're touching my butt.
‐ I didn't touch her...
‐ Oh, I love the new sign,
by the way.
♪ ♪
‐ I want this person arrested.
‐ You even know who did it?
‐ Pretty obvious,
mayor of Jessup.
Didn't you see
his anti‐Patience ad?
‐ Yeah, it's horrible.
Ooh, looking forward
to the corn maze though.
‐ Oh, me too, I heard a rumor,
back in the '70s, a kid
got lost in it for two weeks
and had to eat his friend.
‐ Oh.
‐ Now, see,
that's a goddamn good maze.
‐ Sure, kids eating kids
is fine in Jessup.
We find one foot in our lake,
suddenly people think
our town isn't safe.
‐ Brutal murder
of a town doctor didn't help.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah.
Well, and the next doctor
disappearing.
I mean,
people just don't vanish.
‐ Kidnapper's still
on the loose.
‐ And the whole sign's
coming down.
‐ Soon all of this
will be over.
Their unending consumption
and gluttony will be done,
and Asta and I will be safe
in the bunker.
But if everyone is gone,
who will keep
the bunker clean?
I hate cleaning,
and from the look
of Asta's car,
she's a real piglet.
‐ More coffee?
‐ Great.
‐ Maybe Asta's
giant father could be
in the bunker with us.
He can cook and clean,
and his aftershave smells
like fryer grease.
No, it wouldn't work.
They are father and daughter.
They may turn against me
and make me their servant.
‐ You look tired.
‐ I am.
My dreams have turned evil.
‐ Sounds like a nightmare,
mind's way of working out
fear or guilt.
So what's going on, Harry?
‐ I'm building a bunker
to save Asta
from a total extinction event,
and I'm going to lock you out
and then sweep up your ashes
with a dustpan.
Nothing.
♪ ♪
‐ You know,
we really need this.
We work way too hard.
‐ You're actually supposed
to be working today, D'arce.
‐ Well "Load" was supposed to
be Metallica's comeback album,
but life comes at you fast.
‐ Can you at least
take these sandwiches
down to the VIP group
in Sheep's Meadow?
And please don't moon
the tour groups.
‐ You got it, and we'll see.
‐ Ready to go.
‐ ♪ Simplicity, simplicity ♪
♪ Definitely becomin' me,
becomin' me ♪
‐ Yeah, baby, whoo!
Dead ahead!
‐ Dead ahead!
Whoo!
‐ ♪ New name on an old face,
a place I can escape ♪
♪ All the noise,
all the noise ♪
‐ Hold still.
You're gonna get cut.
‐ I always knew I was
very mature for my age.
I'm not trying to brag,
but I've had BO for a year.
‐ You're not mature.
You still laugh
at scatological humor.
‐ What's that?
‐ Poop jokes.
Poop.
‐ Wake up.
This happened to you
because you went to space.
‐ I don't think
that's how space works.
‐ Well, it's definitely not
how puberty works,
so what else could it be?
‐ I have no idea.
♪ ♪
‐ Hey, guys.
I brought you some toaster
strudel and fruit punch.
‐ It's okay, Mom.
We're not hungry.
‐ No thank you.
My mom said if you
offered me any junk food,
I should say no
because it will slowly kill me.
‐ Okay.
Not junk, tasty snacks.
What the hell?
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ Oh, I'm sailing away
my own true love ♪
‐ And we're gonna take things
down a notch
by mellowing out
with the closing track
from Asta's junior year
birthday mix.
Start with a party,
end with a vibe.
That's what I always say
on KPRJ radio.
‐ Kind of describes that year
in general.
‐ Why?
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ From the place
where I'll be landing ♪
‐ Right, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have put it on‐‐
‐ No, no, it's good.
I listened to this song
a million times
while I was pregnant with Jay.
I think she liked it, too.
She'd always kick.
‐ I should have been there.
Me, not just some
stupid playlist.
‐ What do you mean?
You didn't even know.
♪ ♪
‐ But I should have.
I wish you would have told me.
I would have come running.
I just don't like secrets.
‐ I hope you know
the only reason
I would ever keep anything
from you is
'cause I don't want
to dump shit on you.
‐ What are you keeping from me?
‐ What?
Nothing.
♪ ♪
I'm talking about Jay.
♪ ♪
You know, you were
training in Europe.
I knew, if I told you,
you would leave.
I didn't want you
ruining your life, too.
‐ I'm sorry, ruin my what?
I have a great life, Asta.
I just watched my best friend
take a piss
off the side of my boat.
‐ It's awesome.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ Not working today?
‐ Nah, D'arcy rescued me
from the clinic,
took me to the lake.
‐ Yeah?
I hope you wore a life jacket,
maybe two.
♪ ♪
‐ What, why?
‐ You're the only one keeping
that alien from taking us out.
Anything happens to you,
everybody on Earth is dead.
Do you think this blue
is too dark?
‐ I can't help
that I'm Harry's only friend.
‐ Maybe he should
have some more.
We're a great town.
If he can't see the value
of humans here,
then maybe we should
become extinct.
‐ ♪ I was reaching
to the sky ♪
♪ ♪
‐ What's he eating?
‐ Not sure.
Chowder?
Whatever it is,
he just dipped his pie in it.
‐ Pie and chowder?
That's the meal
of a serial killer.
Watch this.
You want
to understand a murderer,
you gotta get
inside his food head.
Jay.
‐ Yeah?
‐ I'll have
what Dr. V. is having,
the exact same order.
‐ Are you sure?
‐ Exact same.
If he got a fly in his thing,
I want a fly in mine,
but put the fly
on the side though
'cause I don't eat no flies.
They walk on shit.
‐ Okay.
‐ Now Max Hawthorne
and his girlfriend
just walked in
and sat across from him.
‐ Really?
Oh, what are they doing?
Can you tell what they saying?
‐ I think Dr. V. just said,
"I don't eat
with space pirates."
‐ What?
‐ I like your face.
I see you took the trampoline
to the ceiling fan store.
‐ You know it's not
from a fan store.
He had a full‐grown beard.
‐ Hmm.
‐ Obviously, your spaceship
caused
gravitational time dilation.
‐ Obviously.
‐ Obviously,
your pea‐sized brain
is very lonely in that
cavernous skull of yours.
These idiots have no idea
his hormone irregularity
was caused by
the alien technology he stole.
‐ It's incredibly rude.
‐ I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I was calling you an idiot
in my head.
I have a question.
‐ Uh...
"What kind
of toilet would Asta like
to poop in in a bunker?"
That can't be right.
‐ Come on, Deputy.
I thought you took
a lipreading workshop.
‐ I could only afford
the first three classes,
but I get lots of practice
at family gatherings.
My grandma talks a lot
of shit about me.
‐ We're not answering
any of your questions
until you help him.
‐ Okay, I will help him
if you stand on your seats
and shout, "I just farted."
‐ I'm not your puppet.
‐ I'll do it.
I'll be your puppet.
‐ No, not you.
You obviously want to do it.
That's why it has to be her.
‐ Apple pie and plain oatmeal.
Extra, extra, extra milk.
No flies.
Enjoy.
‐ He's a damn psychopath.
‐ I just farted!
‐ Max said, "I just‐‐"
‐ I heard that.
I heard that part.
‐ Oh, now the kids are leaving.
Oh, wait.
Asta just came in.
‐ Like musical chairs in here.
‐ You are late.
I finished eating without you.
‐ I think you'll survive.
‐ I prefer to eat with you.
You order a lot of food.
I like to forage
off of your plate.
‐ Well, maybe you should
try foraging off
someone else's plate, hm?
I'm like your only friend.
‐ I need only one friend.
And one bunker butler,
but I'm working on that.
Maybe that one.
No, she looks like
she may leave hair
on the wall of the shower.
‐ I think you should spend
more time
with some other people in town.
‐ I have met
all the other people in town.
They are annoying
flesh monkeys.
‐ Okay, come on.
You got it.
Here we go.
Hey, Liv.
‐ Hi.
‐ Sheriff, Harry would like
to join your weekly poker game.
‐ Oh, really?
Huh.
‐ Asta said I do, so I do.
‐ Oh, you know what,
Dr. Vanderspeigle?
That'd be real nice.
It'd give us a chance
to get to know one another.
‐ Okay.
You going to finish that?
‐ No, go right ahead.
‐ Thank you.
‐ You see that?
Now, I don't know no normal man
that eat that much pie.
I don't care how good it is.
‐ This, too, eh?
I mean, thank you.
‐ Okay, players.
Game is Texas hold 'em.
Tournament style, $20 buy‐in.
Quarter for the small blind.
50¢ for the big blind.
There are only three rules.
No spitting, no crying,
and no funny business.
This guy knows
what I'm talking about.
‐ I am glad I am here.
This game will
give me a chance
to audition more potential
helpers for our bunker.
Is anybody here worth saving?
‐ All right, well, let's get
this show on the road.
‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪
‐ Oh, and everybody
welcome Harry who says
he knows how to play.
I call bullshit,
but he's a rich doctor,
so I'm gonna take him
for all he's worth
and buy a new pair
of roller skates.
‐ I know how to play.
I spent 15 minutes on YouTube
to master this silly game,
and I mostly just watched
videos of a dog named Tuna.
‐ Oh, careful there.
This card table is actually
a Hawthorne family heirloom.
‐ Wish there was a story
about the table.
‐ Are you shitting me...
‐ John.
‐ Right now?
‐ Oh, there is actually.
It once belonged
to my two‐times great
grandfather Dickie Hawthorne.
He built‐‐
‐ Why?
‐ The first saloon here
in Patience.
Burned down
in the great fire of '91,
but old Dickie,
he risked his life
to save this very table
that we're playing on tonight.
‐ Didn't three people die
in that fire?
‐ Four.
‐ The thing to focus on,
I think,
is that the table is here.
It should actually be
in the town museum,
but someone
keeps on taking it out.
‐ We should probably just kiss
and make up.
‐ She's kidding.
We're‐‐I'm very‐‐
‐ We kiss a lot though,
so it's weird.
‐ In high school,
we dated briefly.
‐ Yeah, and recently,
we made out.
She's kidding.
‐ ♪ This is a raid
so put your hands up ♪
♪ We're gonna win this ♪
♪ Take the mon‐mon‐money,
this is a raid ♪
‐ What about this one?
Maybe he has use
to me in the bunker?
‐ Can you cook?
‐ Sure, I cook every night.
‐ Pie?
‐ Vegetables.
Raw, if I can,
for the nutrients.
‐ I‐‐
‐ Like to eat healthy stuff.
‐ Pass.
I would rather just fill
the bunker with bales of hay.
Time to separate the boys
from the men from the girls.
‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪
‐ Risk taker, interesting.
‐ I'll raise.
Better be careful.
Don't want you
to go broke again.
‐ Broke?
What you talking about?
‐ Rumor has it our doctor lost
all his money six years ago.
Tried to sell his cabin
to my uncle.
‐ I did not sell my cabin.
‐ Yeah,
you backed out of the deal,
which is why I'll enjoy
taking all your money tonight.
No one can figure out
how you managed
to hang on to that place.
‐ You getting all this?
‐ I'm getting it.
‐ Anybody got some gum?
‐ No, no, no, no, no.
‐ I can sure
use a piece of gum.
I had an onion sandwich.
It's in everybody's
best interest.
‐ Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna rake
in this pile of chips here.
The good news is when I do win,
all of this money
is going into making
a Patience tourism commercial.
♪ ♪
This little guy, huh?
♪ ♪
‐ Oh, my.
‐ There it is.
‐ The mayor can
transmogrify matter.
He must be part Anunnaki.
Maybe Mayor Snowflake lives.
His skill could be useful
in the bunker
if there's a stray rodent
or a clogged toilet.
‐ ♪ Put your hands up
in the air ♪
♪ Take the mon‐mon‐money ♪
‐ Question.
In your medical opinion,
you know,
as far as safety goes,
how long can someone
choke a person during sex?
♪ ♪
‐ Pass.
‐ We can talk Tuesday about it.
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪
‐ All right, Deputy.
I'm in the men's room.
All clear, go ahead
and give me a double honk,
so I know you still hear
everything all right.
Okay, listen.
We need to find out more
about this cabin
and Harry's money problems,
so I need you
to find the realtor
that was handling the deal.
And then we need to set up
an undercover recon mission.
Do you copy?
Okay, good.
Deputy, it's time for a little
unofficial sheriff's business,
so you might want
to get off this channel
for just a couple minutes.
‐ Candle equipment.
‐ That's not a real IOU.
Your candles are garbage.
‐ Well, five stars
on Etsy, Ellen.
I think the general public
would disagree.
‐ Yeah, I have one.
It's rotten bathrobe scent.
‐ That's cardamom.
‐ Don't you usually keep
your bets under a quarter?
‐ Yes, I do, John, but
I need to make this commercial.
And with these cards,
I cannot lose.
‐ You lose.
‐ So do you.
Thanks for your money.
You can keep
your bathrobe candle.
♪ ♪
‐ How did that happen?
No, I was supposed to win!
‐ Oh, my God!
♪ ♪
‐ Should have kept that
in the museum, bro.
‐ Your grandfather's table
is crap.
‐ Now, undercover work is all
about the backstory, right?
So let's just take a minute
to get ours straight, okay?
Now, my name is
Justin Preacher, all right.
You're my wife,
Mrs. Justin Preacher, okay.
Now, I was a starting pitcher
for the Atlanta Braves
until I tore my ACL
back in 2007,
but I transitioned
right into sports broadcasting,
was an overnight sensation
for an Atlanta affiliate,
and we moved out here because
I just got a lucrative contract
for a satellite
radio station nearby.
I'm also a licensed pilot,
and I'm a horse rancher.
‐ Huh, okay, quite a life.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ And me?
‐ Oh, you?
You got the most important job
in the world.
You a stay‐at‐home mom
to our three kids
Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Actually, you know what?
Scratch that.
Now, I wasn't
gonna say nothing,
but you looking
a little tired.
Probably got like five kids.
Ooh, this is nice.
‐ Well, hello there.
I am Bonnie Shaw.
I'm showing the house today.
‐ Hi.
‐ Justine Preacher.
How do you do?
I'm a big‐time
sports broadcaster.
This is my cute,
little husband Mr. Preacher.
He stays at home
with our five kids.
And that's why
he looks so tired.
‐ Wow, let's take a look
at the kitchen first, Mr. Mom.
It's every homemaker's dream.
Come on.
‐ Yeah, well, I'm also
a licensed helicopter pilot,
and I put out fires
with swimming pool water.
‐ Well, you must be busy.
‐ This is nice,
but we were looking for
something a little more rustic.
Do you know anything about that
red cabin off of Cove Road,
over in Patience?
It's got a private beach.
We saw it online.
‐ It's funny you should ask.
That's the Vanderspeigle cabin.
I listed that myself
a couple years ago,
and it's off
the market right now,
but sometimes,
owners can be convinced.
You know, honestly,
the doc who owns it,
he might be a little bit
of work.
He's a real mystery.
‐ So you know him?
‐ Oh, honey,
knowing everything about
my clients is my business.
‐ I like that.
♪ ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ Hey.
‐ How's it going?
‐ It's all right.
I'm just waiting for my mom.
She's shopping for towels.
‐ Oh, cool, so what's new?
‐ I got my driver's license.
‐ Whoa.
‐ I can't really parallel park
for shit, but...
‐ Me neither.
‐ Jay.
Honey, why don't you
go start the car?
You can drive us home.
‐ Cool.
Later.
‐ Later.
‐ I always wondered if I would
ever meet Jay's birth mother.
I wanted to someday,
but reuniting a child
with her birth parent
is up to the child.
You know that, right?
‐ Um...
I'm sorry.
What I did was wrong.
It's just there she was,
you know, like, at the clinic
asking for work‐study,
and, well, I crossed a line.
I just really wanted
to help her.
‐ I will never stop Jay from
wanting to be in your life,
but she has to be the one
to cross the street, not you.
♪ ♪
‐ I know.
‐ Okay.
♪ ♪
‐ So six years ago,
he puts his cabin on the market
'cause he needs the money.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Only to turn around and
pay the whole damn thing off
in cash one week later?
‐ Half a million in cash.
‐ That's some shady shit
right there.
‐ Do you think he's
a contract killer?
‐ Now, that's a good guess.
Man, ain't no honest man
got that much liquid
just laying around.
Hell, I only got 90K
in the bank,
and that's just
for emergencies.
‐ 90,000?
That's‐‐seems like a lot.
‐ Eh.
‐ Is there a problem, Deputy?
‐ Oh, it just needs
a new starter.
My mechanic can
do it for parts,
but I don't have the $65.
‐ Oh.
Well, you know, I was probably
rounding up to that 90 anyway.
It's probably somewhere like,
I don't know, 85, 87.
Just enough for a rainy day.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Okay, I'ma get out and push.
‐ I think it's cool
you're gonna make
a commercial for Patience.
‐ Yeah, maybe if I show
some pretty pictures
of our town, people
will want to come visit.
‐ They already do.
‐ Hm?
‐ My friend Scott said
all his California cousins
want to come here this summer
to see dead bodies.
‐ What?
‐ Wait, or a murder.
Hey, maybe I can play
a dead guy in your commercial.
‐ No, no dead guys.
Max, Patience is a beautiful
and safe‐‐very safe town.
There are no dead bodies here.
‐ And this is where
our town doctor
was brutally murdered
by his wife.
The doctor who replaced him
went missing,
but we expect his body
to turn up any day now.
Oh, don't forget to enter
the corpse raffle.
‐ What the hell is this?
‐ Look, everyone.
It's our town mayor,
Ben Hawthorne.
Great‐great‐grandson
of Dickie Hawthorne
who died the day
the mine collapsed,
but not with his fellow miners.
No, Dickie called in sick
that day.
His wife found him
in the whorehouse
and shot him in the face.
‐ I'm related to him.
‐ No, just an old rumor, buddy.
Old rumor, not true.
‐ We're walking.
Come on.
Take your pictures
if you'd like.
♪ ♪
‐ Come on.
Let's get a move on, Deputy.
‐ Sir, you're not gonna believe
who just returned my call.
St. Helens Hospital said Dr.
Vanderspeigle was disciplined
after they found him in a lab
he wasn't authorized to be in.
And do you know
what they kept stored there?
‐ What?
‐ Botulinum toxin.
‐ Are you shitting me?
Damn.
We might have put
the wrong person behind bars.
‐ Looks like it's time
to talk to Dr. Vanderspeigle.
‐ Yeah.
‐ But first, I have to drop off
this dry cleaning.
‐ What?
Justice doesn't wait
for no dry cleaning.
‐ It's half‐price Tuesdays.
‐ This is some shit here.
‐ People, stay together.
We have a lot to see.
‐ Oh, my God.
‐ Oh, another
special treat today.
Here we have
the Patience sheriff
who single‐handedly put
the wife of Sam Hodges in jail.
Rumor has it she's close
to death in her prison cell,
rats waiting to feast
on her killer corpse.
We're walking.
Bye, handsome.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
‐ You're listening to 102.6,
and we have a special listener
request on the line.
What do you want us to play?
‐ Hey, I'd like you to play
The Breeders' "Off You"
for my best friend Asta,
and tell her, if she needs me,
I'll always come running.
‐ Wait, I know this voice.
D'arcy?
‐
D'arcy?
No, this Sasha.
Hello, yes.
‐ Yeah, D'arcy.
We dated for five months.
I think I know your voice,
and the night we broke up
you stole six bottles
of wine out of my fridge.
‐ I don't have
no stealing wine.
Only vodka, so okay.
Play song for best friend.
‐ Jesus.
‐ And then go.
‐ Fine.
Here's The Breeders I guess.
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ I land to sail,
island sail ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Harry?
♪ ♪
Hello?
What's the big surprise?
♪ ♪
Harry?
♪ ♪
Harry?
♪ ♪
Harry?
♪ ♪
What the hell is this?
‐ My survival shelter
and your new home.
You can choose the rugs.
♪ ♪
‐ Why do you have
a fallout shelter under your house?
‐ I built it for us,
so that we can be safe
when my people come
to kill everyone.
‐ What?
‐ Oh, I forgot to tell you.
My people are coming
to kill everyone.
‐ When?
‐ Octopus thinks it may be
a matter of weeks.
Whoops.
‐ Hello again, stupid human.
‐ God, I hate when you do that.
‐ The bathroom
will be over here
if they come before
I get a real toilet,
we can use this bucket.
It is unisex.
Oh, and I am getting a cow
if I can figure out
how to get it
through the opening.
‐ You're joking, right?
‐ You are right.
The opening is too small.
I may get a baby cow
and raise it.
‐ Harry, this is not okay.
This was all supposed
to be over with.
Why are your people coming?
‐ They are‐‐how did you put it?
‐ Oh, it was "eager
to fry all you Earth pigs."
‐ That.
‐ I can't do this.
No, no, no.
You expect me to live
underground with you for weeks?
‐ Oh, no.
It will be at least a year.
I know that you like
the out‐of‐doors.
I painted you a window.
You can enjoy
the beautiful Colorado scenery.
♪ ♪
Feel the breeze.
Those are dead people.
That is the stupid boy.
You cannot see his frown
because my brush was too thick.
‐ Nope, this isn't happening.
I'm not doing it.
I'm not living in a hole
in the ground with you
and that octo‐thing.
‐ Oh, wait.
‐ Well, that's fine with me.
You think I want
to spend the next year
watching you shit in a bucket?
‐ Shh‐shh!
‐ Huh.
‐ Don't go.
It will be fun.
Octopus knows
so many cuttlefish jokes.
They are so stuck up.
‐ You're not
taking me seriously.
‐ Pizza.
‐ You have to do something
about this,
and hiding us underground
for a year isn't it.
You're an alien.
You know, phone home.
Call them,
and tell them not to come.
‐ Did I tell you that we are
going to have all 20 seasons
of "Law & Order" to watch?
‐ Oh, God.
I would rather die than be
on this planet with just you.
‐ Rude.
‐ You don't get it.
So what, I'm just supposed to
come out after the apocalypse,
and everyone I know is dead?
I'm here all alone?
‐ Also rude.
‐ I'm talking about my family.
What about Dad and D'arcy?
What about Jay?
God, no.
Don't you understand?
I can't live here if I have
to live without all of them.
So there you go, call them,
and tell them not to come,
or I will just die.
‐ I know what this is.
You are bluffing,
like in poker.
♪ ♪
‐ No, I'm not!
I would rather stand under
your stupid planet's death ray
and explode
into a million pieces
than spend one second
in that hole with you.
‐ She is good at bluffing.
I could possibly contact them,
but I want to kill
all the bags of douches.
It is my turn to bluff.
♪ ♪
It's impossible.
I cannot contact them.
‐ Now you're bluffing.
‐ I am bad at bluffing.
‐ Okay, okay.
I'll call your bluff.
♪ ♪
If you don't mind
that I die, good.
‐ What are you doing?
‐ I think I'll take a bath.
♪ ♪
‐ You are not really going
to electrocute yourself.
♪ ♪
‐ I've got the toaster
all plugged in.
Whoo, nice and warm.
Really good way to go out.
Call it off, Harry.
‐ I told you I cannot.
I do not like this game.
The stakes are too high.
You are not really
in the bathtub.
If the toaster is plugged in,
it is because
you are making toast.
Asta.
♪ ♪
You didn't bring the bread.
♪ ♪
This is very dangerous.
‐ Then agree
to call your people.
‐ Okay.
♪ ♪
It went straight to voicemail.
♪ ♪
‐ Goodbye, Harry.
♪ ♪
See?
I knew you didn't
want me to die.
You just took your damn time
showing it.
‐ Of course I do not
want you to die.
I will try to build a radio
to contact my people.
Be careful getting
out of the tub.
Don't slip.
‐ Coming from you, that's
a very sweet thing to say.
‐ I'm going
to go eat pizza now.
♪ ♪
‐ I'm just gonna keep knocking.
I got hands
that can knock all day.
Dr. V., open up.
We know you're in there.
We need to speak with you.
Don't make us come back
with a search warrant.
♪ ♪
Hello, Asta, need to speak
with Dr. Vanderspeigle
about that severed foot.
‐ He's not here.
‐ Look, don't lie to me.
We saw him eating pizza through
the window when we rolled up.
‐ I'm not lying.
‐ Asta, I'm telling you
this as a friend.
Harry is not
who you think he is.
He could be dangerous.
Please don't protect him.
‐ Uh...
Maybe come back later?
‐ Look, if I have to arrest you
for obstruction
of justice, I will.
Talking about some
"come back later."
Shit!
What the hell is this?
Hold on.
♪ ♪
Oh, my goodness.
Well, I'll be.
Deputy, what's that say
right there?
Botulinum toxin.
The murder weapon.
‐ Oh, no.
‐ All right, look,
I'ma ask you one more time.
Where is he, Asta?
Where is he, Asta?
♪ ♪
‐ He went
to hide in the cellar.
♪ ♪
‐ You wait here.
Dr. V.?
Sheriff's department.
We coming down into the cellar.
I want you to put your hands
above your head.
You hear me?
We're coming down here!
♪ ♪
Dr. Vanderspeigle,
where you at?
‐ Whoa.
What's with the guns?
♪ ♪
‐ Asta?
‐ What in holy hell?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
on "Resident Alien"...
‐ I need to go home.
‐ You're taking me home, right?
‐ Ahh!
‐ Harry, you can't fix it.
‐ I have to.
If I do not, I am stuck here.
‐ If someone sees this,
then things
will get worse for you.
‐ What's that?
‐ A survival kit.
‐ Botulinum is injectable.
Maybe all he or she would need
to do is inject a toxin
into a single insulin vial.
Both the boot and the foot
were found in the same area.
What if they fought inside,
and then Harry
threw dead foot guy
through the front doors?
‐ And I throw you in the lake.
‐ Looks like we might have
a new prime suspect.
‐ You didn't complete
your mission.
They'll just send someone else
to kill everyone for you.
‐ Everyone, including Asta?
‐ She's a human, so yes.
‐ This cannot happen.
♪ ♪
Hello?
Asta?
Hello?
♪ ♪
Asta?
♪ ♪
Where is everybody?
♪ ♪
Asta?
♪ ♪
D'arcy?
♪ ♪
Ahh!
D'arcy.
What happened to you?
‐ You...
Sorry‐‐you let me die.
You let us all die, big bummer.
‐ Asta.
‐ Way too late for her.
‐ No, not Asta.
‐ She's dead because of you.
‐ I have to help her.
‐ Help her what,
get a better burial site?
Come on, I mean,
she's at the top of the hill.
It's as good as you can get.
I'm down by the pond
and geese.
I'll just say that.
So feeling bad yet?
'Cause you should.
‐ I have to save her.
Asta!
♪ ♪
Asta, Asta!
‐ Asta!
♪ ♪
‐ Scary.
♪ ♪
‐ I did some digging.
In 2015 and '16,
Dr. Vanderspeigle was working
at St. Helens Hospital
in New York,
so I left a message,
to get some background on him.
‐ Hold on.
What is this I'm seeing?
‐ Did he come out?
‐ No, it's like some kind
of hawk in a tree
over there ripping apart
a mouse or some shit.
It is nasty.
Mother Nature
takes no prisoners, Deputy.
‐ Can I look?
‐ That's a no‐go.
What if he comes out and kills
somebody during the handoff?
Go ahead and twizzle me.
Okay, all right.
Here comes our
not‐so‐good doctor right now.
What's he doing
with all them buckets of dirt?
That's a lot of dirt
right there.
‐ Maybe he's burying something
under the cellar,
or someone.
♪ ♪
‐ Man, that's enough dirt
for like five adults,
or maybe three adult bodies,
and five children,
and maybe two jockeys.
Speaking of jockeys,
when was the last time
you saw Todd Campbell?
‐ My dentist?
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Are you suggesting
he's a jockey?
‐ Well, the man's short,
he's bowlegged,
and he wears stripes.
That's a goddamn jockey.
Why you want him drilling
in your damn teeth
I'll never know.
♪ ♪
‐ Summertime.
My people love the cold.
But this body certainly
prefers these warm days.
The smell of flowers,
the sound of bugs
rubbing their legs together
for mating season.
It is more peaceful.
‐ Whoo!
‐ Yeah!
‐ Ah, whoo!
‐ Whoo!
‐ Yeah, baby!
‐ I hate this place.
‐ Are you looking for a better
place to go this summer?
Hi, I'm Mayor Mitch.
Summer's just
around the corner,
and I can't wait to welcome you
to Jessup, Colorado,
the safest town around.
Come taste our world‐famous
mountain spring water.
We have the most pristine
lakes in Colorado,
perfect for boating
and swimming,
and if you love fishing,
we have five varieties
of trout
and zero varieties
of dead human feet.
When people disappear
in Jessup,
it's in our world‐famous
corn maze,
so if you're out of patience,
and you just want to have
some fun, come visit us.
'Cause here in Jessup the only
murder you'll see is onstage
at our summer
Shakespeare festival.
‐ Cool.
I'm just gonna put some cyanide
in my coffee and call it a day.
‐ This is pathetic.
You've been digging
for a week.
You wouldn't have
to do any of this
if you had just gone home
like you were supposed to.
‐ I could not go home
with that kid on board.
I could never get him
past customs.
‐ Yeah, that's why
there's an eject button.
That kid's body should have
been a shooting star
over Texas.
‐ You don't know anything
about space.
You are a Colorado octopus.
‐ Is that where we are?
Shit.
I thought this was India.
That is an Indian rug.
You are appropriating
their culture.
That's not a good look, man.
‐ I saw it at a red tag sale
for $5.
I had to buy it.
Plus, I think it really
brings the room together.
‐ Listen to you.
you‐‐that's a great price,
by the way.
You're becoming one of them.
Look how human you are.
You're even vulnerable
to your own people's attack.
‐ I am not because I will cut
a hole in your octopus body
and wear you
as a protective octo‐suit
when they come to eradicate
all human life.
‐ Wow, is this how
you treat a house guest?
Then I'm glad
I didn't get you a gift.
♪ ♪
‐ Who has touched this?
♪ ♪
That little shit bucket.
♪ ♪
Okay, little dickhead.
Play with my alien technology.
You deserve what's going
to happen to you.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Oh, oh, wow.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa!
Whoa.
♪ ♪
‐ With my people coming
to kill everyone on Earth,
I will need a bunker
to survive.
I will fix it up
and present it
to Asta as her new home.
We will live,
and all the beer‐drinking
douchebags can fry.
♪ ♪
‐ Have a good day.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Oh, Ben.
‐ Yeah?
‐ Are you serious?
She cannot be the new doctor.
‐ Dr. Smallwood
is a wonderful physician.
You know, she was part
of the first stream of women
to graduate
from Harvard medical school.
‐ Yeah, in the 1940s.
‐ Years of experience.
‐ Are you the little girl
with the broken arm?
‐ No, I'm still the nurse.
Your patient is
down that hallway.
‐ Thank you, dear.
‐ Hello there, Dr. Smallwood.
It's nice to see you again.
‐ Hello, I know a Hawthorne
when I see one.
‐ Ah, top of her game,
as always.
‐ Send my best to your
twin brother, the mayor.
Tell him I think
he's doing a dynamite job.
‐ I will do that.
‐ Can you please tell Dr. Ethan
to come back?
‐ He texted me.
There was a family emergency.
He can't come back.
‐ What am I supposed to do?
I'm here all alone.
‐ She's very experienced.
‐ Asta, Asta, come on.
Let's go.
Time's a‐wasting.
‐ Sorry, D'arce.
I can't leave.
Dr. Smallwood just started,
and it's pretty rough.
‐ Dr. Smallwood?
What are you talking about?
She's been dead
for like 30 years.
‐ Hello.
‐ Oh, God, ghost.
‐ I just saw your brother.
‐ Look, it'll be fine.
Ellen's here.
Please go enjoy
your day off, okay?
Mayor's orders.
‐ Yeah, let's get the heck
out of here before she starts
crawling around
on the ceiling on all fours.
Come on.
‐ Okay, okay.
I'll get my things.
‐ Have you‐‐is it supposed
to rain tomorrow still?
‐ Why are you acting so weird?
‐ What?
‐ Oh, my God.
Are you uncomfortable because
you kissed me last week?
‐ Wow, just gonna shout
that in public.
That's wonderful.
It was actually you
who kissed me.
‐ Oh, no siree, no.
That's not how it went down.
‐ It is how it went down.
‐ You want me to reenact it?
‐ Look, I'll be you, you be me,
and I'll kiss you.
grab your butt,
and show you how you did it.
Come on.
Come on over here.
‐ No, no.
‐ I'll demonstrate.
‐ Very funny.
‐ That's how you were.
‐ Not gonna happen.
‐ You were like‐‐
‐ No.
‐ Handy.
Oh, you're touching my butt.
You're touching my butt.
‐ Nope.
‐ You're touching my butt.
‐ I didn't touch her...
‐ Oh, I love the new sign,
by the way.
♪ ♪
‐ I want this person arrested.
‐ You even know who did it?
‐ Pretty obvious,
mayor of Jessup.
Didn't you see
his anti‐Patience ad?
‐ Yeah, it's horrible.
Ooh, looking forward
to the corn maze though.
‐ Oh, me too, I heard a rumor,
back in the '70s, a kid
got lost in it for two weeks
and had to eat his friend.
‐ Oh.
‐ Now, see,
that's a goddamn good maze.
‐ Sure, kids eating kids
is fine in Jessup.
We find one foot in our lake,
suddenly people think
our town isn't safe.
‐ Brutal murder
of a town doctor didn't help.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah.
Well, and the next doctor
disappearing.
I mean,
people just don't vanish.
‐ Kidnapper's still
on the loose.
‐ And the whole sign's
coming down.
‐ Soon all of this
will be over.
Their unending consumption
and gluttony will be done,
and Asta and I will be safe
in the bunker.
But if everyone is gone,
who will keep
the bunker clean?
I hate cleaning,
and from the look
of Asta's car,
she's a real piglet.
‐ More coffee?
‐ Great.
‐ Maybe Asta's
giant father could be
in the bunker with us.
He can cook and clean,
and his aftershave smells
like fryer grease.
No, it wouldn't work.
They are father and daughter.
They may turn against me
and make me their servant.
‐ You look tired.
‐ I am.
My dreams have turned evil.
‐ Sounds like a nightmare,
mind's way of working out
fear or guilt.
So what's going on, Harry?
‐ I'm building a bunker
to save Asta
from a total extinction event,
and I'm going to lock you out
and then sweep up your ashes
with a dustpan.
Nothing.
♪ ♪
‐ You know,
we really need this.
We work way too hard.
‐ You're actually supposed
to be working today, D'arce.
‐ Well "Load" was supposed to
be Metallica's comeback album,
but life comes at you fast.
‐ Can you at least
take these sandwiches
down to the VIP group
in Sheep's Meadow?
And please don't moon
the tour groups.
‐ You got it, and we'll see.
‐ Ready to go.
‐ ♪ Simplicity, simplicity ♪
♪ Definitely becomin' me,
becomin' me ♪
‐ Yeah, baby, whoo!
Dead ahead!
‐ Dead ahead!
Whoo!
‐ ♪ New name on an old face,
a place I can escape ♪
♪ All the noise,
all the noise ♪
‐ Hold still.
You're gonna get cut.
‐ I always knew I was
very mature for my age.
I'm not trying to brag,
but I've had BO for a year.
‐ You're not mature.
You still laugh
at scatological humor.
‐ What's that?
‐ Poop jokes.
Poop.
‐ Wake up.
This happened to you
because you went to space.
‐ I don't think
that's how space works.
‐ Well, it's definitely not
how puberty works,
so what else could it be?
‐ I have no idea.
♪ ♪
‐ Hey, guys.
I brought you some toaster
strudel and fruit punch.
‐ It's okay, Mom.
We're not hungry.
‐ No thank you.
My mom said if you
offered me any junk food,
I should say no
because it will slowly kill me.
‐ Okay.
Not junk, tasty snacks.
What the hell?
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ Oh, I'm sailing away
my own true love ♪
‐ And we're gonna take things
down a notch
by mellowing out
with the closing track
from Asta's junior year
birthday mix.
Start with a party,
end with a vibe.
That's what I always say
on KPRJ radio.
‐ Kind of describes that year
in general.
‐ Why?
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ From the place
where I'll be landing ♪
‐ Right, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have put it on‐‐
‐ No, no, it's good.
I listened to this song
a million times
while I was pregnant with Jay.
I think she liked it, too.
She'd always kick.
‐ I should have been there.
Me, not just some
stupid playlist.
‐ What do you mean?
You didn't even know.
♪ ♪
‐ But I should have.
I wish you would have told me.
I would have come running.
I just don't like secrets.
‐ I hope you know
the only reason
I would ever keep anything
from you is
'cause I don't want
to dump shit on you.
‐ What are you keeping from me?
‐ What?
Nothing.
♪ ♪
I'm talking about Jay.
♪ ♪
You know, you were
training in Europe.
I knew, if I told you,
you would leave.
I didn't want you
ruining your life, too.
‐ I'm sorry, ruin my what?
I have a great life, Asta.
I just watched my best friend
take a piss
off the side of my boat.
‐ It's awesome.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ Not working today?
‐ Nah, D'arcy rescued me
from the clinic,
took me to the lake.
‐ Yeah?
I hope you wore a life jacket,
maybe two.
♪ ♪
‐ What, why?
‐ You're the only one keeping
that alien from taking us out.
Anything happens to you,
everybody on Earth is dead.
Do you think this blue
is too dark?
‐ I can't help
that I'm Harry's only friend.
‐ Maybe he should
have some more.
We're a great town.
If he can't see the value
of humans here,
then maybe we should
become extinct.
‐ ♪ I was reaching
to the sky ♪
♪ ♪
‐ What's he eating?
‐ Not sure.
Chowder?
Whatever it is,
he just dipped his pie in it.
‐ Pie and chowder?
That's the meal
of a serial killer.
Watch this.
You want
to understand a murderer,
you gotta get
inside his food head.
Jay.
‐ Yeah?
‐ I'll have
what Dr. V. is having,
the exact same order.
‐ Are you sure?
‐ Exact same.
If he got a fly in his thing,
I want a fly in mine,
but put the fly
on the side though
'cause I don't eat no flies.
They walk on shit.
‐ Okay.
‐ Now Max Hawthorne
and his girlfriend
just walked in
and sat across from him.
‐ Really?
Oh, what are they doing?
Can you tell what they saying?
‐ I think Dr. V. just said,
"I don't eat
with space pirates."
‐ What?
‐ I like your face.
I see you took the trampoline
to the ceiling fan store.
‐ You know it's not
from a fan store.
He had a full‐grown beard.
‐ Hmm.
‐ Obviously, your spaceship
caused
gravitational time dilation.
‐ Obviously.
‐ Obviously,
your pea‐sized brain
is very lonely in that
cavernous skull of yours.
These idiots have no idea
his hormone irregularity
was caused by
the alien technology he stole.
‐ It's incredibly rude.
‐ I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I was calling you an idiot
in my head.
I have a question.
‐ Uh...
"What kind
of toilet would Asta like
to poop in in a bunker?"
That can't be right.
‐ Come on, Deputy.
I thought you took
a lipreading workshop.
‐ I could only afford
the first three classes,
but I get lots of practice
at family gatherings.
My grandma talks a lot
of shit about me.
‐ We're not answering
any of your questions
until you help him.
‐ Okay, I will help him
if you stand on your seats
and shout, "I just farted."
‐ I'm not your puppet.
‐ I'll do it.
I'll be your puppet.
‐ No, not you.
You obviously want to do it.
That's why it has to be her.
‐ Apple pie and plain oatmeal.
Extra, extra, extra milk.
No flies.
Enjoy.
‐ He's a damn psychopath.
‐ I just farted!
‐ Max said, "I just‐‐"
‐ I heard that.
I heard that part.
‐ Oh, now the kids are leaving.
Oh, wait.
Asta just came in.
‐ Like musical chairs in here.
‐ You are late.
I finished eating without you.
‐ I think you'll survive.
‐ I prefer to eat with you.
You order a lot of food.
I like to forage
off of your plate.
‐ Well, maybe you should
try foraging off
someone else's plate, hm?
I'm like your only friend.
‐ I need only one friend.
And one bunker butler,
but I'm working on that.
Maybe that one.
No, she looks like
she may leave hair
on the wall of the shower.
‐ I think you should spend
more time
with some other people in town.
‐ I have met
all the other people in town.
They are annoying
flesh monkeys.
‐ Okay, come on.
You got it.
Here we go.
Hey, Liv.
‐ Hi.
‐ Sheriff, Harry would like
to join your weekly poker game.
‐ Oh, really?
Huh.
‐ Asta said I do, so I do.
‐ Oh, you know what,
Dr. Vanderspeigle?
That'd be real nice.
It'd give us a chance
to get to know one another.
‐ Okay.
You going to finish that?
‐ No, go right ahead.
‐ Thank you.
‐ You see that?
Now, I don't know no normal man
that eat that much pie.
I don't care how good it is.
‐ This, too, eh?
I mean, thank you.
‐ Okay, players.
Game is Texas hold 'em.
Tournament style, $20 buy‐in.
Quarter for the small blind.
50¢ for the big blind.
There are only three rules.
No spitting, no crying,
and no funny business.
This guy knows
what I'm talking about.
‐ I am glad I am here.
This game will
give me a chance
to audition more potential
helpers for our bunker.
Is anybody here worth saving?
‐ All right, well, let's get
this show on the road.
‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪
‐ Oh, and everybody
welcome Harry who says
he knows how to play.
I call bullshit,
but he's a rich doctor,
so I'm gonna take him
for all he's worth
and buy a new pair
of roller skates.
‐ I know how to play.
I spent 15 minutes on YouTube
to master this silly game,
and I mostly just watched
videos of a dog named Tuna.
‐ Oh, careful there.
This card table is actually
a Hawthorne family heirloom.
‐ Wish there was a story
about the table.
‐ Are you shitting me...
‐ John.
‐ Right now?
‐ Oh, there is actually.
It once belonged
to my two‐times great
grandfather Dickie Hawthorne.
He built‐‐
‐ Why?
‐ The first saloon here
in Patience.
Burned down
in the great fire of '91,
but old Dickie,
he risked his life
to save this very table
that we're playing on tonight.
‐ Didn't three people die
in that fire?
‐ Four.
‐ The thing to focus on,
I think,
is that the table is here.
It should actually be
in the town museum,
but someone
keeps on taking it out.
‐ We should probably just kiss
and make up.
‐ She's kidding.
We're‐‐I'm very‐‐
‐ We kiss a lot though,
so it's weird.
‐ In high school,
we dated briefly.
‐ Yeah, and recently,
we made out.
She's kidding.
‐ ♪ This is a raid
so put your hands up ♪
♪ We're gonna win this ♪
♪ Take the mon‐mon‐money,
this is a raid ♪
‐ What about this one?
Maybe he has use
to me in the bunker?
‐ Can you cook?
‐ Sure, I cook every night.
‐ Pie?
‐ Vegetables.
Raw, if I can,
for the nutrients.
‐ I‐‐
‐ Like to eat healthy stuff.
‐ Pass.
I would rather just fill
the bunker with bales of hay.
Time to separate the boys
from the men from the girls.
‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪
‐ Risk taker, interesting.
‐ I'll raise.
Better be careful.
Don't want you
to go broke again.
‐ Broke?
What you talking about?
‐ Rumor has it our doctor lost
all his money six years ago.
Tried to sell his cabin
to my uncle.
‐ I did not sell my cabin.
‐ Yeah,
you backed out of the deal,
which is why I'll enjoy
taking all your money tonight.
No one can figure out
how you managed
to hang on to that place.
‐ You getting all this?
‐ I'm getting it.
‐ Anybody got some gum?
‐ No, no, no, no, no.
‐ I can sure
use a piece of gum.
I had an onion sandwich.
It's in everybody's
best interest.
‐ Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna rake
in this pile of chips here.
The good news is when I do win,
all of this money
is going into making
a Patience tourism commercial.
♪ ♪
This little guy, huh?
♪ ♪
‐ Oh, my.
‐ There it is.
‐ The mayor can
transmogrify matter.
He must be part Anunnaki.
Maybe Mayor Snowflake lives.
His skill could be useful
in the bunker
if there's a stray rodent
or a clogged toilet.
‐ ♪ Put your hands up
in the air ♪
♪ Take the mon‐mon‐money ♪
‐ Question.
In your medical opinion,
you know,
as far as safety goes,
how long can someone
choke a person during sex?
♪ ♪
‐ Pass.
‐ We can talk Tuesday about it.
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪
‐ All right, Deputy.
I'm in the men's room.
All clear, go ahead
and give me a double honk,
so I know you still hear
everything all right.
Okay, listen.
We need to find out more
about this cabin
and Harry's money problems,
so I need you
to find the realtor
that was handling the deal.
And then we need to set up
an undercover recon mission.
Do you copy?
Okay, good.
Deputy, it's time for a little
unofficial sheriff's business,
so you might want
to get off this channel
for just a couple minutes.
‐ Candle equipment.
‐ That's not a real IOU.
Your candles are garbage.
‐ Well, five stars
on Etsy, Ellen.
I think the general public
would disagree.
‐ Yeah, I have one.
It's rotten bathrobe scent.
‐ That's cardamom.
‐ Don't you usually keep
your bets under a quarter?
‐ Yes, I do, John, but
I need to make this commercial.
And with these cards,
I cannot lose.
‐ You lose.
‐ So do you.
Thanks for your money.
You can keep
your bathrobe candle.
♪ ♪
‐ How did that happen?
No, I was supposed to win!
‐ Oh, my God!
♪ ♪
‐ Should have kept that
in the museum, bro.
‐ Your grandfather's table
is crap.
‐ Now, undercover work is all
about the backstory, right?
So let's just take a minute
to get ours straight, okay?
Now, my name is
Justin Preacher, all right.
You're my wife,
Mrs. Justin Preacher, okay.
Now, I was a starting pitcher
for the Atlanta Braves
until I tore my ACL
back in 2007,
but I transitioned
right into sports broadcasting,
was an overnight sensation
for an Atlanta affiliate,
and we moved out here because
I just got a lucrative contract
for a satellite
radio station nearby.
I'm also a licensed pilot,
and I'm a horse rancher.
‐ Huh, okay, quite a life.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ And me?
‐ Oh, you?
You got the most important job
in the world.
You a stay‐at‐home mom
to our three kids
Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Actually, you know what?
Scratch that.
Now, I wasn't
gonna say nothing,
but you looking
a little tired.
Probably got like five kids.
Ooh, this is nice.
‐ Well, hello there.
I am Bonnie Shaw.
I'm showing the house today.
‐ Hi.
‐ Justine Preacher.
How do you do?
I'm a big‐time
sports broadcaster.
This is my cute,
little husband Mr. Preacher.
He stays at home
with our five kids.
And that's why
he looks so tired.
‐ Wow, let's take a look
at the kitchen first, Mr. Mom.
It's every homemaker's dream.
Come on.
‐ Yeah, well, I'm also
a licensed helicopter pilot,
and I put out fires
with swimming pool water.
‐ Well, you must be busy.
‐ This is nice,
but we were looking for
something a little more rustic.
Do you know anything about that
red cabin off of Cove Road,
over in Patience?
It's got a private beach.
We saw it online.
‐ It's funny you should ask.
That's the Vanderspeigle cabin.
I listed that myself
a couple years ago,
and it's off
the market right now,
but sometimes,
owners can be convinced.
You know, honestly,
the doc who owns it,
he might be a little bit
of work.
He's a real mystery.
‐ So you know him?
‐ Oh, honey,
knowing everything about
my clients is my business.
‐ I like that.
♪ ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ Hey.
‐ How's it going?
‐ It's all right.
I'm just waiting for my mom.
She's shopping for towels.
‐ Oh, cool, so what's new?
‐ I got my driver's license.
‐ Whoa.
‐ I can't really parallel park
for shit, but...
‐ Me neither.
‐ Jay.
Honey, why don't you
go start the car?
You can drive us home.
‐ Cool.
Later.
‐ Later.
‐ I always wondered if I would
ever meet Jay's birth mother.
I wanted to someday,
but reuniting a child
with her birth parent
is up to the child.
You know that, right?
‐ Um...
I'm sorry.
What I did was wrong.
It's just there she was,
you know, like, at the clinic
asking for work‐study,
and, well, I crossed a line.
I just really wanted
to help her.
‐ I will never stop Jay from
wanting to be in your life,
but she has to be the one
to cross the street, not you.
♪ ♪
‐ I know.
‐ Okay.
♪ ♪
‐ So six years ago,
he puts his cabin on the market
'cause he needs the money.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Only to turn around and
pay the whole damn thing off
in cash one week later?
‐ Half a million in cash.
‐ That's some shady shit
right there.
‐ Do you think he's
a contract killer?
‐ Now, that's a good guess.
Man, ain't no honest man
got that much liquid
just laying around.
Hell, I only got 90K
in the bank,
and that's just
for emergencies.
‐ 90,000?
That's‐‐seems like a lot.
‐ Eh.
‐ Is there a problem, Deputy?
‐ Oh, it just needs
a new starter.
My mechanic can
do it for parts,
but I don't have the $65.
‐ Oh.
Well, you know, I was probably
rounding up to that 90 anyway.
It's probably somewhere like,
I don't know, 85, 87.
Just enough for a rainy day.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Okay, I'ma get out and push.
‐ I think it's cool
you're gonna make
a commercial for Patience.
‐ Yeah, maybe if I show
some pretty pictures
of our town, people
will want to come visit.
‐ They already do.
‐ Hm?
‐ My friend Scott said
all his California cousins
want to come here this summer
to see dead bodies.
‐ What?
‐ Wait, or a murder.
Hey, maybe I can play
a dead guy in your commercial.
‐ No, no dead guys.
Max, Patience is a beautiful
and safe‐‐very safe town.
There are no dead bodies here.
‐ And this is where
our town doctor
was brutally murdered
by his wife.
The doctor who replaced him
went missing,
but we expect his body
to turn up any day now.
Oh, don't forget to enter
the corpse raffle.
‐ What the hell is this?
‐ Look, everyone.
It's our town mayor,
Ben Hawthorne.
Great‐great‐grandson
of Dickie Hawthorne
who died the day
the mine collapsed,
but not with his fellow miners.
No, Dickie called in sick
that day.
His wife found him
in the whorehouse
and shot him in the face.
‐ I'm related to him.
‐ No, just an old rumor, buddy.
Old rumor, not true.
‐ We're walking.
Come on.
Take your pictures
if you'd like.
♪ ♪
‐ Come on.
Let's get a move on, Deputy.
‐ Sir, you're not gonna believe
who just returned my call.
St. Helens Hospital said Dr.
Vanderspeigle was disciplined
after they found him in a lab
he wasn't authorized to be in.
And do you know
what they kept stored there?
‐ What?
‐ Botulinum toxin.
‐ Are you shitting me?
Damn.
We might have put
the wrong person behind bars.
‐ Looks like it's time
to talk to Dr. Vanderspeigle.
‐ Yeah.
‐ But first, I have to drop off
this dry cleaning.
‐ What?
Justice doesn't wait
for no dry cleaning.
‐ It's half‐price Tuesdays.
‐ This is some shit here.
‐ People, stay together.
We have a lot to see.
‐ Oh, my God.
‐ Oh, another
special treat today.
Here we have
the Patience sheriff
who single‐handedly put
the wife of Sam Hodges in jail.
Rumor has it she's close
to death in her prison cell,
rats waiting to feast
on her killer corpse.
We're walking.
Bye, handsome.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
‐ You're listening to 102.6,
and we have a special listener
request on the line.
What do you want us to play?
‐ Hey, I'd like you to play
The Breeders' "Off You"
for my best friend Asta,
and tell her, if she needs me,
I'll always come running.
‐ Wait, I know this voice.
D'arcy?
‐
D'arcy?
No, this Sasha.
Hello, yes.
‐ Yeah, D'arcy.
We dated for five months.
I think I know your voice,
and the night we broke up
you stole six bottles
of wine out of my fridge.
‐ I don't have
no stealing wine.
Only vodka, so okay.
Play song for best friend.
‐ Jesus.
‐ And then go.
‐ Fine.
Here's The Breeders I guess.
♪ ♪
‐ ♪ I land to sail,
island sail ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪
♪ ♪
‐ Harry?
♪ ♪
Hello?
What's the big surprise?
♪ ♪
Harry?
♪ ♪
Harry?
♪ ♪
Harry?
♪ ♪
What the hell is this?
‐ My survival shelter
and your new home.
You can choose the rugs.
♪ ♪
‐ Why do you have
a fallout shelter under your house?
‐ I built it for us,
so that we can be safe
when my people come
to kill everyone.
‐ What?
‐ Oh, I forgot to tell you.
My people are coming
to kill everyone.
‐ When?
‐ Octopus thinks it may be
a matter of weeks.
Whoops.
‐ Hello again, stupid human.
‐ God, I hate when you do that.
‐ The bathroom
will be over here
if they come before
I get a real toilet,
we can use this bucket.
It is unisex.
Oh, and I am getting a cow
if I can figure out
how to get it
through the opening.
‐ You're joking, right?
‐ You are right.
The opening is too small.
I may get a baby cow
and raise it.
‐ Harry, this is not okay.
This was all supposed
to be over with.
Why are your people coming?
‐ They are‐‐how did you put it?
‐ Oh, it was "eager
to fry all you Earth pigs."
‐ That.
‐ I can't do this.
No, no, no.
You expect me to live
underground with you for weeks?
‐ Oh, no.
It will be at least a year.
I know that you like
the out‐of‐doors.
I painted you a window.
You can enjoy
the beautiful Colorado scenery.
♪ ♪
Feel the breeze.
Those are dead people.
That is the stupid boy.
You cannot see his frown
because my brush was too thick.
‐ Nope, this isn't happening.
I'm not doing it.
I'm not living in a hole
in the ground with you
and that octo‐thing.
‐ Oh, wait.
‐ Well, that's fine with me.
You think I want
to spend the next year
watching you shit in a bucket?
‐ Shh‐shh!
‐ Huh.
‐ Don't go.
It will be fun.
Octopus knows
so many cuttlefish jokes.
They are so stuck up.
‐ You're not
taking me seriously.
‐ Pizza.
‐ You have to do something
about this,
and hiding us underground
for a year isn't it.
You're an alien.
You know, phone home.
Call them,
and tell them not to come.
‐ Did I tell you that we are
going to have all 20 seasons
of "Law & Order" to watch?
‐ Oh, God.
I would rather die than be
on this planet with just you.
‐ Rude.
‐ You don't get it.
So what, I'm just supposed to
come out after the apocalypse,
and everyone I know is dead?
I'm here all alone?
‐ Also rude.
‐ I'm talking about my family.
What about Dad and D'arcy?
What about Jay?
God, no.
Don't you understand?
I can't live here if I have
to live without all of them.
So there you go, call them,
and tell them not to come,
or I will just die.
‐ I know what this is.
You are bluffing,
like in poker.
♪ ♪
‐ No, I'm not!
I would rather stand under
your stupid planet's death ray
and explode
into a million pieces
than spend one second
in that hole with you.
‐ She is good at bluffing.
I could possibly contact them,
but I want to kill
all the bags of douches.
It is my turn to bluff.
♪ ♪
It's impossible.
I cannot contact them.
‐ Now you're bluffing.
‐ I am bad at bluffing.
‐ Okay, okay.
I'll call your bluff.
♪ ♪
If you don't mind
that I die, good.
‐ What are you doing?
‐ I think I'll take a bath.
♪ ♪
‐ You are not really going
to electrocute yourself.
♪ ♪
‐ I've got the toaster
all plugged in.
Whoo, nice and warm.
Really good way to go out.
Call it off, Harry.
‐ I told you I cannot.
I do not like this game.
The stakes are too high.
You are not really
in the bathtub.
If the toaster is plugged in,
it is because
you are making toast.
Asta.
♪ ♪
You didn't bring the bread.
♪ ♪
This is very dangerous.
‐ Then agree
to call your people.
‐ Okay.
♪ ♪
It went straight to voicemail.
♪ ♪
‐ Goodbye, Harry.
♪ ♪
See?
I knew you didn't
want me to die.
You just took your damn time
showing it.
‐ Of course I do not
want you to die.
I will try to build a radio
to contact my people.
Be careful getting
out of the tub.
Don't slip.
‐ Coming from you, that's
a very sweet thing to say.
‐ I'm going
to go eat pizza now.
♪ ♪
‐ I'm just gonna keep knocking.
I got hands
that can knock all day.
Dr. V., open up.
We know you're in there.
We need to speak with you.
Don't make us come back
with a search warrant.
♪ ♪
Hello, Asta, need to speak
with Dr. Vanderspeigle
about that severed foot.
‐ He's not here.
‐ Look, don't lie to me.
We saw him eating pizza through
the window when we rolled up.
‐ I'm not lying.
‐ Asta, I'm telling you
this as a friend.
Harry is not
who you think he is.
He could be dangerous.
Please don't protect him.
‐ Uh...
Maybe come back later?
‐ Look, if I have to arrest you
for obstruction
of justice, I will.
Talking about some
"come back later."
Shit!
What the hell is this?
Hold on.
♪ ♪
Oh, my goodness.
Well, I'll be.
Deputy, what's that say
right there?
Botulinum toxin.
The murder weapon.
‐ Oh, no.
‐ All right, look,
I'ma ask you one more time.
Where is he, Asta?
Where is he, Asta?
♪ ♪
‐ He went
to hide in the cellar.
♪ ♪
‐ You wait here.
Dr. V.?
Sheriff's department.
We coming down into the cellar.
I want you to put your hands
above your head.
You hear me?
We're coming down here!
♪ ♪
Dr. Vanderspeigle,
where you at?
‐ Whoa.
What's with the guns?
♪ ♪
‐ Asta?
‐ What in holy hell?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪