Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 2 - Concealed Carry Fashion Show - full transcript
Officers Johnson and Weigel participate in a local event. Meanwhile, the department responds to a disgruntled group of pedestrians.
- Sheriff Department!
[bell rings]
Sheriff Department!
You reported a crime
on your doorbell camera?
Probably just a guy in a hoodie.
It's always just a guy in a hoodie.
Sheriff Department!
Going, going. Nope. Okay.
Call the Fire Department next time.
Can't be here all day, guys.
I can't be here all day.
I got stuff to do.
Your doorbell camera is not deputized.
[whimpers] Why would...
Who would do this?
Who would do this?
Why?
Why?
[screaming]
Ahhh!
[screams] Why!
- Welcome to the Secure and Sassy
Concealed Carry Fashion Show.
Heather's working a casual look.
She's running errands.
But she's not running scared.
[audience clapping]
Thank you, Heather.
Next up is Shawna.
Shawna's ready for yoga class.
What's up in that yoga mat?
It's a 12 gauge pump. Nama-stay safe!
She's a ten... with a pair of nines!
Who's ready for evening wear?
[audience clapping]
Clemmie is ready for a night on the town.
But she's no sitting duck.
Where are you packing, Clemmie?
- CLEMENTINE: There's a couple of things
in life that I'm really into right now.
One of them is fashion.
And one of them is not having anyone
piss all over my rights.
- PRESENTER: Well, what's so special
about that swimsuit?
That's right. It's Kevlar!
Stay away from her pool party, ISIS.
- MAN 1: Hello, cops. Hello.
- MAN 2: What's up, pigs?
- We see you. I see you're on duty...
I'm on duty, too.
Okay, we just saw you
tryin' to protect the Constitution
with our goddamn phones, man.
These kids, now they're trying to catch us
doing something wrong all the time.
- I mean, it's tiresome.
- We're gonna have a long wait.
- MAN 1: How many guns you got in there?
- FEMALE OFFICER: Fifty.
- JONES: Fifty?
- MAN 1: Fifty! That's way too many guns.
- JONES: How many guns you got out there?
- None!
- [both laugh mockingly]
- MAN 1: Don't laugh!
That's not funny.
- JONES: Whoa! That's our guy!
- FEMALE OFFICER: That's our guy!
- JONES: Let's go!
- [gun shots]
- MAN 1: We got it! Oh, my God!
What the... You're opening fire!
These police officers
have just opened fire!
- MAN 1: They're shooting him!
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, fellas.
- Welcome!
- Congratulations. You got jury duty.
- Bienvenue.
- Congratulations, you got ju... Wait, no.
You got jury duty.
- Which one of you guys...
Somebody named Tryst?
- I'm Tryst.
- FEMALE OFFICER: [chuckles]
What kind of name is Tryst?
- You have $3,400
in unpaid parking tickets.
- I thought... Wait.
- We'll see you in court.
- But...
- Hang on to that.
- Okay, don't hit him, sir.
- I'm not hitting him.
I'm not hitting anybody.
Did I hit anybody?
- ALL: No!
- You absolutely did not.
- I didn't.
Who's got all the dick pics on this one?
- Me, sir.
- Is that you or a friend?
- It's a friend.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Well done.
- I mean, I would've said it was me.
- This morning, we found out
a model had to drop out.
She had a bowhunting accident
over the weekend.
- Clemmie had a friend...
- It's not a friend.
Had a... Knew someone who could step in
at the last minute.
So we're gonna give her a go.
- I know you've never done this before
but you've probably watched models before?
- You've never watched a fashion show?
- I don't have a TV anymore.
- Okay. Okay.
Well, why don't you... This a runway.
- Smize. And then I smize.
And then I smize.
And then I smize. And then I smize.
- I'm gonna pause you for a second.
- Okay.
- It got weird...
- Take this seriously.
- CLEMENTINE: Trudy's like that
old spare tire that you forget about.
- Sure it's bald... barely gonna get you...
- Stop complimenting.
Stop with the compliments.
My head is getting big.
- I've got so many compliments
just like that one.
- PRESENTER: Up next, it's Trudy.
Tennis, anyone?
- TRUDY: I have never walked
in a fashion show before.
But I do walk around a lot...
to the coffee machines,
sometimes to the vending machine,
and I have been told...
that I look pretty good doing it.
- Who told you that? Name names.
- Um...
Roberto. He's new. - Mmm.
He and I are kind of having a thing.
- Oh.
- PRESENTER: Trudy is serving up
a beautiful silhouette.
Nice backhand, Trudy.
What about that tennis racket?
I 40-love it.
As if Trudy was not creating
enough of a diversion herself...
Flash grenade!
Ball's in your court, date rapists.
Trudy, is that a .32 ACP gun
in your pocket
or are you just happy to live a country
with the Second Amendment?
- MAN: Shooter!
[people screaming]
- I'm okay.
- [gun shot]
- Shit!
- MAN: Sorry.
- Next up is Lisa!
[bell rings]
Sheriff Department!
You reported a crime
on your doorbell camera?
Probably just a guy in a hoodie.
It's always just a guy in a hoodie.
Sheriff Department!
Going, going. Nope. Okay.
Call the Fire Department next time.
Can't be here all day, guys.
I can't be here all day.
I got stuff to do.
Your doorbell camera is not deputized.
[whimpers] Why would...
Who would do this?
Who would do this?
Why?
Why?
[screaming]
Ahhh!
[screams] Why!
- Welcome to the Secure and Sassy
Concealed Carry Fashion Show.
Heather's working a casual look.
She's running errands.
But she's not running scared.
[audience clapping]
Thank you, Heather.
Next up is Shawna.
Shawna's ready for yoga class.
What's up in that yoga mat?
It's a 12 gauge pump. Nama-stay safe!
She's a ten... with a pair of nines!
Who's ready for evening wear?
[audience clapping]
Clemmie is ready for a night on the town.
But she's no sitting duck.
Where are you packing, Clemmie?
- CLEMENTINE: There's a couple of things
in life that I'm really into right now.
One of them is fashion.
And one of them is not having anyone
piss all over my rights.
- PRESENTER: Well, what's so special
about that swimsuit?
That's right. It's Kevlar!
Stay away from her pool party, ISIS.
- MAN 1: Hello, cops. Hello.
- MAN 2: What's up, pigs?
- We see you. I see you're on duty...
I'm on duty, too.
Okay, we just saw you
tryin' to protect the Constitution
with our goddamn phones, man.
These kids, now they're trying to catch us
doing something wrong all the time.
- I mean, it's tiresome.
- We're gonna have a long wait.
- MAN 1: How many guns you got in there?
- FEMALE OFFICER: Fifty.
- JONES: Fifty?
- MAN 1: Fifty! That's way too many guns.
- JONES: How many guns you got out there?
- None!
- [both laugh mockingly]
- MAN 1: Don't laugh!
That's not funny.
- JONES: Whoa! That's our guy!
- FEMALE OFFICER: That's our guy!
- JONES: Let's go!
- [gun shots]
- MAN 1: We got it! Oh, my God!
What the... You're opening fire!
These police officers
have just opened fire!
- MAN 1: They're shooting him!
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, fellas.
- Welcome!
- Congratulations. You got jury duty.
- Bienvenue.
- Congratulations, you got ju... Wait, no.
You got jury duty.
- Which one of you guys...
Somebody named Tryst?
- I'm Tryst.
- FEMALE OFFICER: [chuckles]
What kind of name is Tryst?
- You have $3,400
in unpaid parking tickets.
- I thought... Wait.
- We'll see you in court.
- But...
- Hang on to that.
- Okay, don't hit him, sir.
- I'm not hitting him.
I'm not hitting anybody.
Did I hit anybody?
- ALL: No!
- You absolutely did not.
- I didn't.
Who's got all the dick pics on this one?
- Me, sir.
- Is that you or a friend?
- It's a friend.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Well done.
- I mean, I would've said it was me.
- This morning, we found out
a model had to drop out.
She had a bowhunting accident
over the weekend.
- Clemmie had a friend...
- It's not a friend.
Had a... Knew someone who could step in
at the last minute.
So we're gonna give her a go.
- I know you've never done this before
but you've probably watched models before?
- You've never watched a fashion show?
- I don't have a TV anymore.
- Okay. Okay.
Well, why don't you... This a runway.
- Smize. And then I smize.
And then I smize.
And then I smize. And then I smize.
- I'm gonna pause you for a second.
- Okay.
- It got weird...
- Take this seriously.
- CLEMENTINE: Trudy's like that
old spare tire that you forget about.
- Sure it's bald... barely gonna get you...
- Stop complimenting.
Stop with the compliments.
My head is getting big.
- I've got so many compliments
just like that one.
- PRESENTER: Up next, it's Trudy.
Tennis, anyone?
- TRUDY: I have never walked
in a fashion show before.
But I do walk around a lot...
to the coffee machines,
sometimes to the vending machine,
and I have been told...
that I look pretty good doing it.
- Who told you that? Name names.
- Um...
Roberto. He's new. - Mmm.
He and I are kind of having a thing.
- Oh.
- PRESENTER: Trudy is serving up
a beautiful silhouette.
Nice backhand, Trudy.
What about that tennis racket?
I 40-love it.
As if Trudy was not creating
enough of a diversion herself...
Flash grenade!
Ball's in your court, date rapists.
Trudy, is that a .32 ACP gun
in your pocket
or are you just happy to live a country
with the Second Amendment?
- MAN: Shooter!
[people screaming]
- I'm okay.
- [gun shot]
- Shit!
- MAN: Sorry.
- Next up is Lisa!