Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 1 - Meet Jeffy - full transcript
A new recruit joins the force. The department responds to a hostage situation where they encounter volunteer officers.
- Officer! [panting]
- Sheriff's Department.
- Thank God you are here.
- OK, what's going on?
- There's some kids in the pool.
- Oh, OK.
Wait, hold on. Let me guess.
The kids in the pool are black.
- Yes, yes, they are black.
- Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
Kids that are black in your pool
are not bothering you, lady.
You don't call
the Sheriff's Department for this.
I'm tired of you Backyard Betty's,
Lookie Lois'...
calling us for this dumb shit!
What are they doing? What are they doing?
- They are drowning.
Yeah. - They're drow... No!
- To the right, to the right!
- No!
Black babies!
No, no, no, black babies!
- JIM: Good morning, gang.
- CHERISHA: [yawning] Morning.
- JAMES: Morning.
- JIM: Uh... this meeting,
like all of our meetings now,
brought to you by Soup Gorilla,
when you absolutely, positively want soup,
in a couple of days,
ingredients right to your door,
uh, made with vegetables that...
- Why do they make you say
the whole speech?
- You're welcome... You want these?
You wanna try it?
'Cause once you get these,
shit rolls uphill.
So, as everybody knows, the break-ins...
have been out of hand
here in the building.
- Yeah.
- The brass has insisted that we hire
a... private security guard for the door.
- Oh, come on!
- That's...
- JIM: This is not my call. Not my call.
- That's sad.
- Do you wanna get him in? This is the guy
who's gonna be guarding us from now on.
- You know it's the skateboard guys,
right?
- Well, the skateboard kids have been
a real problem,
but then somebody...
There's stuff missing every...
- [sighing] Hey.
- JIM: Hey. Uh, so, this is...
It's Jeffey, yeah?
- Jeffey, yeah. Jeffey Rene Chism.
- Hi, Jeffey. My name is Trudy.
I once had a hamster
that lived off of his own feces.
And then, actually, I was forgetting this,
but now I'm remembering,
he ended up eating himself.
- JIM: Jeffey, Wiegel starts bragging
when new people come around.
- I do not!
- When new people come around,
she starts bragging...
- No, I don't.
- ...and she'll tell you stories
like, "I had a hamster."
Tell the truth. Tell the truth to Jeffey.
- Being able to keep a pet alive
is impressive. A lot of people can't.
- She didn't, Jeffey, because she didn't.
- JIM: So, what's going on with the...
- Hey, Jeffey... [whispers] I did.
- We got an alarm triggered at the bank.
- [alarm blaring]
- Hey, guys?
- TRUDY: Yeah?
- JIM: Did somebody say how many hostages
are in there?
- I think they said three.
- What? You hurt your knee?
- You should file for Workers' Comp.
- JIM: As you go into the Xerox room,
to the left, there's a Worker's Comp form,
if your knee really hurts.
- [vehicle approaching]
- [anthem playing loudly]
- JIM: Holy... What the...
- FRANK: Hell yes!
- TRAVIS: What the fuck?
- What was that?
- TRUDY: Hi.
- MAN: Hey, how are you?
How are you doing? Hatzolah is here.
- FRANK: Hey! How are you?
- TRAVIS: You need to get down!
There's a hostage situation
- There's a hostage in there.
- FRANK: There's hostages!
- I know. It's OK.
- OK. Oh, my God! That was scary.
- What the hell!
- What... Hi.
- Hey.
How are you doing? Shalom, baby.
- Are you the Amish?
- Uh, we are Jewish volunteer service.
Hatzolah.
- Oh, hi!
- Shalom, baby.
No, I cannot shake hands with you.
It is haram.
- ALL: [exclaiming]
- Shit!
- It's OK. These are my guys.
- Jesus!
- Guys, it's OK, these...
Guys, these are my guys. It's OK.
- You are...
You guys are Hatzolah.
[rapid explosions]
God! - This is what we do, guys.
- Oh, OK.
- We are Jewish volunteers.
We have ambulance, firemen...
So, we are like Jewish Batman.
- ALL: [exclaiming] Oh!
- But for us, Batman is, like, pussy.
- You guys just do this?
- This is what we do.
We save... How do you say...
We save the world.
- Oh, wow, wow.
- When there are... where there are Jews.
Where there are no Jews,
we don't give a shit.
- Sure. Sure.
- What you guys do...
very important. - Thank you.
- Maybe there's a cat in a tree,
you help the cat.
- Oh, last year, two. Two times.
Are these guys with you?
- These guys are mine, yeah.
These guys are mine.
It's OK, guys, it's OK.
It's just a hostage situation.
- Hey!
- We got it. Hold on. One second.
- JIM: Oh, still talking to him.
Hang on, I'm sorry.
- Yeah? OK. We got the bad guys.
- They got them? Wow.
- OK, so confirming.
OK.
- FRANK: Guys, you guys need back up?
- TRAVIS: Do you need...
OK, that's a good joke.
- TRAVIS: [chuckling]
- FRANK: Hatzolah!
- What are you gonna do with those guys?
- Oh, we're going to take these guys.
We're going to ask them some questions.
- OK.
- Then we're going to kill them.
- TRUDY: Happy Hanukkah!
- MAN: I got another thing.
There's a guy...
he stole a nuclear warhead.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Across town, so I gotta go.
I gotta go get that guy.
- Oh, man!
- Break a leg!
- Thank you!
- Thank you!
- Hatzolah! Hatzolah!
- FRANK: Thank you very much.
- Thank you! Hatzolah!
- JIM: Bye. Hatzolah!
- Besides the time I met Pat Sajak,
this is the most exciting day of my life.
- JIM: Did you meet Pat Sajak?
- I did.
- Yo!
- Hi.
- What's up, Playa Peter?
What's up? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I see some ID?
- See some ID?
- Yeah.
- Come on, dude. Jeffey, it's me.
Jones.
- Oh, I know. It's just protocol.
- Come on, man, I gotta deuce it.
- Well, if this were Henderson
or Carson City,
I'd say, yeah, fly on by,
but it's Reno, you know.
- I'll give you a banana. Just let me in.
- I don't do a barter system, this isn't
Tom Sawyer trying to paint the fence.
- Jeffey, I could shoot you here, OK?
What security are you doing?
What are you doing?
- Well, now it feels like a threat.
I don't... I can't even...
- Sorry. Sorry, dude.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He didn't show it to you?
- He didn't show you ID?
- No, he did not and I wasn't...
- What do we say to Jeffey?
- I'm sorry, Jeffey.
- It's fine. It was a miscommunication,
if anything.
- Let's go.
- He can poop at the subway.
- Great news!
October 21st is Nevada's first...
International Pronouns Day.
It's a great time
to learn about the new...
pronouns, such as "zie"
"zim", "zir",
and "zis",
which are not the same as "sie",
"zie",
"hir" and "hirs",
and, of course, "hirself", with an "I",
which is different from "herself",
with an "E".
And these are more inclusive
and they don't shove anybody
into a box that doesn't fit...
"zem" or their beautiful genitals...
and "we", "I" or "thon"
can agree that "singular they"
just makes more sense
when we can't tell if "zey" have bosoms
or if "sie" is just...
a soft boy.
And of course,
wait till you get to the hang of...
"xe", which is the non-reflexive "xyrself"
that goes with the possessive "xyr"
and "shi",
which is the alternate spelling of "sie"
but spelled like the comic book,
Yamabushi warrior monk Shi
and both "e", "li"
and "her", "schel"
are not new pronouns
but the two given names
of Tony winner Eli Herschel Wallach,
Eli Wallach.
That one was just for fun.
So, let every single "zie", "ey", "zem",
"tey", "e", "tem" and "ir" and "terself"
get set and ready,
because on October 21st,
when it's Pronouns Day,
you don't wanna sound like an asshole.
- Sheriff's Department.
- Thank God you are here.
- OK, what's going on?
- There's some kids in the pool.
- Oh, OK.
Wait, hold on. Let me guess.
The kids in the pool are black.
- Yes, yes, they are black.
- Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
Kids that are black in your pool
are not bothering you, lady.
You don't call
the Sheriff's Department for this.
I'm tired of you Backyard Betty's,
Lookie Lois'...
calling us for this dumb shit!
What are they doing? What are they doing?
- They are drowning.
Yeah. - They're drow... No!
- To the right, to the right!
- No!
Black babies!
No, no, no, black babies!
- JIM: Good morning, gang.
- CHERISHA: [yawning] Morning.
- JAMES: Morning.
- JIM: Uh... this meeting,
like all of our meetings now,
brought to you by Soup Gorilla,
when you absolutely, positively want soup,
in a couple of days,
ingredients right to your door,
uh, made with vegetables that...
- Why do they make you say
the whole speech?
- You're welcome... You want these?
You wanna try it?
'Cause once you get these,
shit rolls uphill.
So, as everybody knows, the break-ins...
have been out of hand
here in the building.
- Yeah.
- The brass has insisted that we hire
a... private security guard for the door.
- Oh, come on!
- That's...
- JIM: This is not my call. Not my call.
- That's sad.
- Do you wanna get him in? This is the guy
who's gonna be guarding us from now on.
- You know it's the skateboard guys,
right?
- Well, the skateboard kids have been
a real problem,
but then somebody...
There's stuff missing every...
- [sighing] Hey.
- JIM: Hey. Uh, so, this is...
It's Jeffey, yeah?
- Jeffey, yeah. Jeffey Rene Chism.
- Hi, Jeffey. My name is Trudy.
I once had a hamster
that lived off of his own feces.
And then, actually, I was forgetting this,
but now I'm remembering,
he ended up eating himself.
- JIM: Jeffey, Wiegel starts bragging
when new people come around.
- I do not!
- When new people come around,
she starts bragging...
- No, I don't.
- ...and she'll tell you stories
like, "I had a hamster."
Tell the truth. Tell the truth to Jeffey.
- Being able to keep a pet alive
is impressive. A lot of people can't.
- She didn't, Jeffey, because she didn't.
- JIM: So, what's going on with the...
- Hey, Jeffey... [whispers] I did.
- We got an alarm triggered at the bank.
- [alarm blaring]
- Hey, guys?
- TRUDY: Yeah?
- JIM: Did somebody say how many hostages
are in there?
- I think they said three.
- What? You hurt your knee?
- You should file for Workers' Comp.
- JIM: As you go into the Xerox room,
to the left, there's a Worker's Comp form,
if your knee really hurts.
- [vehicle approaching]
- [anthem playing loudly]
- JIM: Holy... What the...
- FRANK: Hell yes!
- TRAVIS: What the fuck?
- What was that?
- TRUDY: Hi.
- MAN: Hey, how are you?
How are you doing? Hatzolah is here.
- FRANK: Hey! How are you?
- TRAVIS: You need to get down!
There's a hostage situation
- There's a hostage in there.
- FRANK: There's hostages!
- I know. It's OK.
- OK. Oh, my God! That was scary.
- What the hell!
- What... Hi.
- Hey.
How are you doing? Shalom, baby.
- Are you the Amish?
- Uh, we are Jewish volunteer service.
Hatzolah.
- Oh, hi!
- Shalom, baby.
No, I cannot shake hands with you.
It is haram.
- ALL: [exclaiming]
- Shit!
- It's OK. These are my guys.
- Jesus!
- Guys, it's OK, these...
Guys, these are my guys. It's OK.
- You are...
You guys are Hatzolah.
[rapid explosions]
God! - This is what we do, guys.
- Oh, OK.
- We are Jewish volunteers.
We have ambulance, firemen...
So, we are like Jewish Batman.
- ALL: [exclaiming] Oh!
- But for us, Batman is, like, pussy.
- You guys just do this?
- This is what we do.
We save... How do you say...
We save the world.
- Oh, wow, wow.
- When there are... where there are Jews.
Where there are no Jews,
we don't give a shit.
- Sure. Sure.
- What you guys do...
very important. - Thank you.
- Maybe there's a cat in a tree,
you help the cat.
- Oh, last year, two. Two times.
Are these guys with you?
- These guys are mine, yeah.
These guys are mine.
It's OK, guys, it's OK.
It's just a hostage situation.
- Hey!
- We got it. Hold on. One second.
- JIM: Oh, still talking to him.
Hang on, I'm sorry.
- Yeah? OK. We got the bad guys.
- They got them? Wow.
- OK, so confirming.
OK.
- FRANK: Guys, you guys need back up?
- TRAVIS: Do you need...
OK, that's a good joke.
- TRAVIS: [chuckling]
- FRANK: Hatzolah!
- What are you gonna do with those guys?
- Oh, we're going to take these guys.
We're going to ask them some questions.
- OK.
- Then we're going to kill them.
- TRUDY: Happy Hanukkah!
- MAN: I got another thing.
There's a guy...
he stole a nuclear warhead.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Across town, so I gotta go.
I gotta go get that guy.
- Oh, man!
- Break a leg!
- Thank you!
- Thank you!
- Hatzolah! Hatzolah!
- FRANK: Thank you very much.
- Thank you! Hatzolah!
- JIM: Bye. Hatzolah!
- Besides the time I met Pat Sajak,
this is the most exciting day of my life.
- JIM: Did you meet Pat Sajak?
- I did.
- Yo!
- Hi.
- What's up, Playa Peter?
What's up? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I see some ID?
- See some ID?
- Yeah.
- Come on, dude. Jeffey, it's me.
Jones.
- Oh, I know. It's just protocol.
- Come on, man, I gotta deuce it.
- Well, if this were Henderson
or Carson City,
I'd say, yeah, fly on by,
but it's Reno, you know.
- I'll give you a banana. Just let me in.
- I don't do a barter system, this isn't
Tom Sawyer trying to paint the fence.
- Jeffey, I could shoot you here, OK?
What security are you doing?
What are you doing?
- Well, now it feels like a threat.
I don't... I can't even...
- Sorry. Sorry, dude.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He didn't show it to you?
- He didn't show you ID?
- No, he did not and I wasn't...
- What do we say to Jeffey?
- I'm sorry, Jeffey.
- It's fine. It was a miscommunication,
if anything.
- Let's go.
- He can poop at the subway.
- Great news!
October 21st is Nevada's first...
International Pronouns Day.
It's a great time
to learn about the new...
pronouns, such as "zie"
"zim", "zir",
and "zis",
which are not the same as "sie",
"zie",
"hir" and "hirs",
and, of course, "hirself", with an "I",
which is different from "herself",
with an "E".
And these are more inclusive
and they don't shove anybody
into a box that doesn't fit...
"zem" or their beautiful genitals...
and "we", "I" or "thon"
can agree that "singular they"
just makes more sense
when we can't tell if "zey" have bosoms
or if "sie" is just...
a soft boy.
And of course,
wait till you get to the hang of...
"xe", which is the non-reflexive "xyrself"
that goes with the possessive "xyr"
and "shi",
which is the alternate spelling of "sie"
but spelled like the comic book,
Yamabushi warrior monk Shi
and both "e", "li"
and "her", "schel"
are not new pronouns
but the two given names
of Tony winner Eli Herschel Wallach,
Eli Wallach.
That one was just for fun.
So, let every single "zie", "ey", "zem",
"tey", "e", "tem" and "ir" and "terself"
get set and ready,
because on October 21st,
when it's Pronouns Day,
you don't wanna sound like an asshole.