Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 15 - Wiegel's Couple's Therapy - full transcript

Hey, unborn kid.

It's your dad--
Craig--Again.

I thought you might want to
play catch with your dad,

So grab one of your mitts.

Oh, shit.

T-Bone, I fucked
up your camera.

Oh--I can fix it.

I just need some scotch
tape or something.

Aah!

Son of a bitch.
God damn it.

Huh!
[Coughs]



They all have guns!

Woo-Hoo!

Ow!

Push 'em.
Push 'em together?

Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!

Oh, god!

[Sirens]

[Fires two shots,
empty gun clicks]

Uh! Uh!

Boss, boss, you're over
the line.

Aah!

Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

Dangle: due to recent unapproved
television interviews

That somebody
in the department
gave, if it comes up,



The sheriff's department's
official policy on ghosts is

That we neither acknowledge
them nor do we--Nor do we

Disavow the possible
existence of them, OK?

Travis:
so it's a cover-up.

I'm not saying
it's a cover-up.

What I'm saying is we
don't--We don't all
believe in ghosts.

That's the difference
between black folks
and white folks.

Hey, Bernie mac, we gonna do
a whole difference of?

And we dance weird?

No, no.
I want to--What's
the difference between--

I just thought--
I just thought

I'd invite you
to my world for--

And then the guy Sweepy
comes out with a broom.

One fucking
second.

That's all I
want.

No, no. You do
your bit, and I'll
be Sweepy with the broom

At the Apollo and
you rub the log.

Do the difference between
black folks and white folks.

Ooh, ooh.
Do that.

Williams: listen.

What's the difference
between black people
and white people?

Black people
don't believe
in ghosts.

And we don't
like mayonnaise,
like you guys.

You got to start punching up
these jokes, or Sweepy gonna

Come out and get you.

Sweepy gonna sweep you
right off the stage.

That's the Sandman,
and he tap-dances you
off the stage.

I apologize.

[Mechanical door bell rings]

Coffee, please.

Thank you so much.

Here you go.

Every day for 9 years,
I've been coming

Into burger cousin,
and every day for 9 years,
Susan has been giving me

My coffee just exactly
the way I like it,

With 8 hazelnuts
and 6 splendas.

But today... she gives
me black coffee.

Why?

Because she's
sending me a signal.
They're being robbed.

They're being robbed.
God damn it!

Freeze, motherfucker!

Whoa!

Hit the fucking
ground, motherfucker.

Freeze, motherfucker!

Don't you fucking move!

Assume the position,
motherfucker.

I got your signal.

Whoa.
Oh, my god.

I got the signal!

My signal?

I--I didn't give you
a signal.

You just gave me
a black coffee.

Yeah.

You asked for a coffee.

I've been coming in
every day for 9 years,
and you give me

A coffee with
8 hazelnuts
and 6 splendas.

No, I didn't give
you a signal.
Nobody's robbing--

Oh. OK.

Is your hand
necessary on my--

OK.

Out of everybody
in here...
yeah.

Why did you point
the gun at me?

I don't feel like I did.

You very specifically
targeted him.

I don't think that's
accurate. Ahem.

And you pushed him up
against our cash machine.

Did I?
Did I bump you?

Yes.
Did I bump you?

Your hand was
on my ass.

Come on, bro.

I don't--I don't--Bro?

This one will be
my mulligan, OK?

This is so my bad.

And all you
motherfuckers, don't
rob anything, and--

Especially
the black motherfuckers.

[Laughing]
hey!

Come on, man.

Wiegel:
hey, Rai?

Williams:
what's up?

I, uh--Ha ha--
Used up all of my
psychotherapy benefits

With the, um,
sheriff's department
insurance company.

You need somebody to get you
some little pills to help you

Make it through the day?

My mama got a lot
of that stuff.
She knows somebody.

No, no, no.

I have--No, I have
lots of pills.

What you need?

Um, I, um, I found
a loophole.

It turns out that
I only used up

My individual
therapy benefits,
but I didn't use up

My couples therapy
benefits, so--

You need me to help
you find somebody
to be a couple

With you so you can go in
there and get your benefits?

In a way.

So, huh?

Umm...

I just need--It's
not that weird.

I just need you
to pretend
like we're a couple.

A couple of what?

Folks.

I'll pay you.

Boom.
OK.

A sister don't
work for free.

Oh, lordy, you don't
have to tell me twice.

Ha ha. Ahem.

Hey! So we've set up a--
Security checkpoint here

At john McKay
high school

In an effort to
keep our young
folks as safe

As possible so that they
can fill up their brains

With fancy
book-Learning.

Protecting them from
each other, I guess.

We've also stopped
buying books
as of last year.

You know
they stopped
doing that, right?

Yeah. Yeah.
Art was the first
to go, then gym.

Now math, I think.

And then all sports
except for soccer.

Yeah.

And if you wonder
why they're keeping

The soccer, uh--

[Humming "Mexican
hat dance"]

That's a muy
interesante pregunta.

Hola.
Bienvenidos.

[Machine beeps]
hola.

Oh, hey, ma'am?

OK.

Do you have a permit
for that? Of course.

Yeah? Can I
see your permit
for that real quick?

Remember, don't
lose that.

Yeah.

If you lose that,
you have to wait

Till everybody's
claimed theirs, OK?

No pistoles.

Gracias.

Do you have a permit
for that, please?

Oh. Ooh.
Yup.

This is--This is
the Glock, huh?

Yeah.
Oh, that's a new Glock.

Ooh, that's live.

It's a new--Look at
the detailing in there.

Wow.
Compared to this one.

Beautiful.

Unbelievable.
Yeah. Wow.
Beautiful.

I'd give anything for
a gun like that.
It's beautiful.

Now, let me check
this for you.

No, that's mine.
That's mine.
That's mine. Ha ha!

Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry.

Yeah. OK. Yeah.

Yeah. OK.
There we go.

I feel like we grew
up in a Norman Rockwell
painting--

By comparison?

Kids running around
raping each other.

We used to chase
a--Literally we would
chase a wheel

With a stick down
the street sometimes.

[School bell rings]

I mean, we were
poor, obviously.
What are you, 51?

51.
51.

5--51--Oh.

Is this the one
I think it is?

Yeah.

All right.

51, how did I
forget you?

Oh, she's a beauty.

Wow.
She is a beauty.

OK. Take care now.

Well.

I'm just glad
he's on our side.

Yeah.
No shit.

I hope he's
on our side.

As the three of us begin our
work together, I would like

For us to be aware
of the distinction
between hearing

And listening, OK?

And with that in mind,
I'm going to ask--
I'm going to ask

Each of you to tell
me why you're here
today, and while

The other is speaking,
I would like for
you to be really

Listening--Or, hearing--
The other person
as opposed to

Just listening or--
I'm sorry--As opposed
to just hearing.

OK, so you want me to hear
her, or you want me

To listen to her?

I didn't say that.
I just said that I--

Hey, who the hell
is Haylie Duff?

Um, sister.
She's the sis--

I'm sorry.

This is an example of
hearing and listening.

We don't have that.

We have, like, 7 hours
with her, so let's get--
I would rather--

And, Raineesha, I
have a feeling that
you're hearing me--

I'm sorry, you're
listening to me,

But you're not
hearing me.

Hey, what's
happening?

She never listens.

Yeah. No.
You know what?

Boom.

This is all for her.

We're here for me.

I'm gonna fall
back, huh?

And I'm gonna let
her go on and
chop it up with you.

OK.

I'm good over here.

We can just pretend
like she doesn't
exist, right?

Well, that is not
asking her to...

Today it's all about me.

Be an active participant
in this relationship.

Excuse me.

I'm paying
a $10 copay for this.

For me, that's
a lot of money.

Yeah.
I make $8,000 a year.

That's below
the poverty line.

Oh, no.

Holy shit.

Oh, no.

Oh, wow.

I don't even
want to--

Travis: how you
doing today, Glen?

How do I smell
to you, soldier?

What--Can't smell
you from here, Glen.

I take my orders
from the forest.

I've seen things, soldier.

You've seen things.

Uh, is your uniform
around anywhere?

Is it inside the place?

This is my uniform.

Hmm.

We are the hollow men
stuffed with straw.

I think maybe you better
just take a vacation,

Get refreshed.

Why don't you go down
to Vegas for a couple
of days, get your

Head together.

Yeah. Go to
Vegas, Glen. Huh?

You do get vacation time,
don't you, Glen?

I do need a vacation.

You do need a vacation.
I could have told you that.

Driving up, and I see
you doing--

I need a vacation.

No. No, no,
no, no, no.

Only 4 more
years, Glen.

You're almost--Oh, it's OK.

It's OK.
Let it out.

Let it out.
Let it out.

It's only 4 more years for
the park service, Glen.

You're only gonna be up here
in the middle of nowhere

With no one to talk
to for 4 more years.

[Knock on door]

Man: excuse me.
Hey, fellas.

Hiya.

Hey, can I have
a word for a second?

Yeah, sure.
Come in.

I got to talk
to my partner.
Hang on a second.

[Quietly]
my wife and I are
currently separated.

She has a new boyfriend that
my son Shelby thinks is

The cat's pajamas,
and I told my son that
I was an undercover cop

Because I want him to
think I'm cool, so if you

Could just help me
out for a second.

Just pretend.

Play along.

Like I'm the coolest--

Absolutely.

Shelby, come on in.
See the fellas.

Hey!

How are you, Shelby?

Shelby, this is, uh,
Dick Stick.

We go way back,
right, Dick Stick?

Uh--Um... yeah.

Yeah.

Man: remember that
time we were taking
those drug dealers down?

We fucking dropped them.

Remember we laid
down the heat?

Oh, yeah.

You took one to the penis.
They shot his dick off.

Do you remember that?

You OK?
How's it feeling?

Travis:
that was horrible.
I remember that.

That's why I call him
Dip Stick, because
he lost his Dip Stick

In that big uh, crack house.

You had your dick
in your hand,

And he was trying to put
it in the wrong way.

Travis:
I feel like we've told so
many great stories about--

Yeah.
Law enforcement.

Yeah!

Thank you.

Oh, I'm gonna dip you
in butter and eat you.

Thanks, guys.

What the fuck
was that, guys?

They didn't look
anything alike.

No, they didn't.

Dipped in butter?

Is that what
he said he wanted
to do to him?

I think so.

He said wanted to
dip the kid in butter.

Therapist: why
don't you tell Trudy

Something that you are
afraid of.

Huh?

Dig deep
and look at Trudy.

I'm listening.
I'm really listening.

You're hearing is
what you're doing.

I hear her--Oh, now
I'm hearing you.

Therapist:
if you were just listening,
I'd have to stop you.

OK.

You need to hear.
I think it's hear.

I hear you.

Ah, I don't know.

I forget what
it-- [Sigh]. I'm sorry.

I am--I am afraid...

[Weigel exhales deeply]

[Whispering]
of...

You call me
a nigger one
more time,

I'm gonna really slap
the shit out of you.

Good share.

Good share.

Trudy, how does
that make you feel?

Afraid.

Yeah.

[Tires squeal]

Quick, quick, quick.

Oh, my god.

Quick, quick, quick.

Oh, god, it smells.

Oh, Jesus.

Got to get it--

OK.
OK.

Uh.

1, 2, 3.

No, Reno.

We've had enough
of you dumping
your problems

On our side of
the county line!

Sheriff, sheriff,
take a look.

[Chuckles]

See you later.

Thank you!

Hee hee hee!

I'll move the dog.

Whoo hoo hoo hoo!

Hey, Cindy?

Hello?

I got--No, it's me.
Hey, how you doing?

Uh, I got a question
for you, Cindy,

About how you're filing
the sexual arrests here.

It's very simple.
OK.

Because the old system,
it didn't make

Any sense to me.

Well, it used to be
alphabetical
because normally

You'd think, "OK,
I know. Brad Johnson.

He's a pedophile.
I'll look under j."

Right.
How do you have it?

How do I find
brad Johnson?

By price.

By price.
Right.

By how much I would
charge--Not me.
No.

You don't charge
anymore.

We don't charge for
sex anymore, do we?

No.
No, we don't! No.

So you got
this pedophile here

Right next to
the fella who's

Doing a thing
to the bodies
in the morgue.

Is that really more
expensive than this?

Right. You know,
what happened was

Because it's hard
to get rid of this one.

Oh!

We give a discount
on this one.

Oh, you get a discount
for this one.

It's like a two-fer.

Thank you.
Looking good, Cindy.

Dangle: ah. We don't
do that anymore.

Do we have those
tea-bagging files around?

Yeah. Sure.

You know what I miss?
[School bell rings]

Records.
Yeah.

You used to have to listen
to a whole side of a record.

Well, it's nice because
you get grooving
and stop and you

Got to consider,
when you walk up
and flip the thing--

Flip it.

Side one is
an experience.

It's an act.
Act one.

Girl:
Travis? Hey.

Travis: hey!

How's it going?

Good!

How are you?

Good. I
didn't--Uh,

I didn't
know you were a cop.

Yeah!

Yeah!

I mean,
I--I--I was in a rodeo

For a while, but then I,
you know, the road

Just got to me.

Oh.

So I got a job at
the sheriff's department.

Cool.

Cool. Yeah.

That's a great job.

Yes.

Cindy.

Betty.

Betty. Betty!

Yeah.
It, um--

'95!

Yeah.

Great to see you again.

You, too. Bye.

Take care, now.

Glass houses, bro.
Glass houses.

'95. Wow.

My TV is older
than she is.

Man: hey!

Second man: hey, how are
you guys doing today?

Are you guys ready to learn
about health insurance?

Yeah!

Who knows what
health is?
Anyone know?

Well, I think the definition
of health is not having

A preexisting medical
condition that you
don't tell

The company about.

Man:
ding ding ding ding.

We got a winner
over here.

Second man:
that's a good answer.

Dangle:
yeah, that's a good one.

You give us $500 a month,
and we'll take care of you.

Pretty much if--Most
things are covered.

Are you saying--

Let's ask you this.

What is the scariest thing
you think could happen

To your body?

Bear attack.

Bear attack.

We would cover that.

You would cover
a bear attack?

If you're on the job...
yeah.

And you get--If you're
in your workplace
and you get attacked

By a bear,
we will cover that.

In the workplace.

Workplace
in here?

Any animal attacks
that happen
within the building--

Dangle: covered.

You are 100% covered.

Inside the building.

Minus attack dogs that are
already in the building.

I'm going to talk to you
about something, though,

Because this is a little
bit of a wavy area.

If you bring in
an animal

That someone--
Not even you--Brings

Into the facility,
then that is cancelled.

Any animal
with an owner.

If we have a break-in,

Like a wild animal
breaks in, that's

The only way
we're covered.

Jones: a bear has
to walk in here
and attack us.

First instructor:
and, you know, that's it.

I'm going to
go back to the
break-In question.

It doesn't have to
do that, but if it does,
you'll be covered.

It sounds like what
you're saying is

That a bear can't be
also led in here.

The bear has to wander
in here on its own.

Travis: you
can't lure a bear.

Right. You can't lure...

First instructor:
I want to address
the break-in question.

We don't cover it
if a bear breaks in
because that would

Be theft,
and that's a whole
different thing.

That's in another
insurance.

That's your
home insurance.

This is if
a bear walked
through the door--

Travis: without
any obstruction
at all.

Exactly.

[Wiegel whispering]
Raineesha.

I love your gumption.

Therapist: wow.

Wiegel: and your
get up and go and
your can do...

And your hair.

You got good hair.

Therapist:
I asked for one thing.
You gave me 4.

That's OK because
they were good.

I don't know, but
for some reason
right now, just--I

Don't know why--And
I'm not gonna lie--
I don't know why.

I just feel like
I should say
I'm sorry.

Wiegel: I do, too.

Can we come closer?

Physically closer?

Yes. Yes.

And then I want
your lips to touch.

This is part of it?

Give me your gum.

This is all part of it?

Yeah.
Thank you.

[Clears throat]

[Whispering]
nice.

Oh, yeah.

Ohh.

Oh, nice. Mm.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Oh, yes.

Mmm...
mmm.
Oh, yes.

Come on, sweetheart.

Let's go home to our house
that we live at together.

Right. The auto
capital of the world.

We live on the west side.

You do?

Yeah, where all
the gays are.

And would you like to
make another appointment?

No.
No.

No, no, I wouldn't.

I think--I feel like
we're young again.

Yeah.

If we could marry,
we would.

A lot of work.
Yeah.

A lot of work.

We did a lot of work.

We did.

Oh, god.

Hearing or listening.

Hearing is when you
deeply hear some--No,

That's listening.

Listening is
the mechanism of taking
in information, but it

Doesn't go very deep.

Hearing is when you
actually allow it
to penetrate you

At a soul level.

No. I just need
to write that down

Because this can't
happen again.

Â♪ it's OK to
have two daddies â♪

Â♪ it's OK to have two moms â♪

Â♪ if your dads are gay,
that's totally OK â♪

Â♪ we can still be
friends if both your
moms are lesbians â♪

Â♪ there's all kinds
of mommies and daddies â♪

Â♪ in the USA â♪

Â♪ some of them are
fellas and ladies â♪

Â♪ and others are
straight-up totally gay â♪

Â♪ when Jimmy loves Susie,
it's hugs and kisses â♪

Â♪ but when Jimmy loves
another guy named Jimmy â♪

Â♪ Mr. And Mr. Mom
both have penises â♪

Â♪ two dads
are comfy and cozy â♪

Â♪ two moms are fun--Ask
my friend Rosie â♪

No.
OK, that's a reference
to Rosie O'Donnell--

They didn't get it.

She was in "a league
of their own"

And had a very popular
talk show...

Friends with Madonna.

Probably before you
were born.

Wiegel: sound it out just
like it--Just like it looks.

Tih...
no.

Tah.

"Th. T-H.

Tah.

The.
The.

Williams: hey.

The preparation--
That's
good.

Trudy, I need to
talk to you...
yeah.

Please.
Sure.

Hey.
Hi.

Um, I just wanted to
check on you--Ahem--

To see
how you were doing.

Oh, that's so nice.

Wow.

That makes me feel really
good, and I'm doing... OK.

I was about to--Not be honest
and say I was doing great,

But I really--I'm doing--

Williams: I want you
to feel like you can
be honest because I am

Standing here to hear
you and to listen.

Do what we used
to do, hmm?

What's that?

You know how
it used to be.

Yeah.
I hear you.

It's hard to hear,
but I hear it, and I
respect it, and I'm,

You know, I just
think you're great.
That's all.

I just think
you're great. That's all.

[Williams clears throat]

[Exhales]

I'm gonna go take
a leak.

I got to go
to the bathroom.

The... oh, fuck it.

Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

Â♪ straight parents
make love with a penis
and a vagina â♪

Â♪ but gay parents still
knock the boots â♪

Â♪ by touching two
vaginas or a penis up
a bottom chute â♪

Â♪ mom can have
an orgasm with a g-spot
in her front â♪

Â♪ but dad can have
one, too â♪

Â♪ with a tiny little
switch that's hidden
up his butt â♪

Â♪ so it's totally OK
if your parents
turned out gay â♪

Â♪ and this wonderful
US of gay â♪

[Slide whistle]