Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 14 - Secret Santa - full transcript
When strange lights are reported in the desert, and mysterious, unnamed deputies show up around the station, do we have to include them in Secret Santa?
OK, so your name is George?
You're the manager?
Yes, sir. Yes.
OK. Your tag checks
out there.
I got the tape
from the surveillance video.
George: I installed
this whole thing here
Last time this
happened, so--
Is that that camera
right up there?
Yes, sir.
OK. He gets up
on this counter?
Yes, sir.
That's this counter.
That is this
table right here.
He's undoing
his pants there.
[Man on TV urinating]
It's evidence,
I guess, now.
Yeah.
Oh, you want to maybe
put it in one cup.
Put it all in one cup,
and then we'll just send it
Straight to the lab. OK.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
[Tires screech]
Come on.
They all have guns!
Whoo hoo!
Ow!
Push them together?
Get off the bike!
Off your bike.
Oh! God!
[All taking at once]
Aah!
[Siren]
We got a call about
some lights
Out in the desert here.
We got to check
it out.
Probably nothing,
but--
You put a little bit
in a bowl, smoke it.
Is that the one you
make a tea out of,
Herbal. You can put
it in a tea...
Get a shaman,
get a guide?
Or you can smoke
a little bowl of it,
too, totally legal.
Huh, Salvia.
Somebody is
already on it.
Hey, boys. Hi,
fellas.
Sorry.
We didn't know.
Great to see
you over there.
We thought we was
first on the scene.
Oh, no, no.
We beat you to it.
Yeah. We were in the area.
We got the call.
Somebody saw some
lights or something?
Yeah. It's all
taken care of.
You don't got
to worry about it.
You have a good one.
Take care, you guys.
Hey, can I ask
you something?
Yeah.
Do you know
those guys?
I thought you did.
That's why I was like--
I wasn't gonna say anything.
I thought you knew--
I thought you knew
those guys.
Yeah. No. I never--
I don't remember
any of those guys.
Well, I mean--
Who are those--
You know, like--
On the other side
of the road,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Behind you,
there's all
those other guys.
Those are those
guys, right?
Right? Hey,
how y'all doing?
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, guys.
You guys are back.
I thought you guys
were leaving.
I thought we told
you to leave.
Uh, we did.
You guys are--
You're with us.
Third generation.
Hey, when you guys
get home,
Just take a good,
long shower,
Wash any exposed skin
and everything.
Officer 2: yeah, and
actually, if you have
An eye-wash rig at home,
I'd recommend using that.
We got one
at the station.
There you go.
Seriously...
Do you guys want
coffee or hoagies
or anything at all?
Because we're about
to make a run.
We're already
in the car.
No, no. It's that
acid reflux.
OK. I know. It's
late. It's late.
Hey, good night.
Good night, guys.
Adios.
Last chance for
coffee and hoagie!
Yeah. No, thanks. OK.
You are too kind.
All right.
Let's dig it up.
Yep.
He's over here. He's--
Uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh.
Easy, vest. Bye-Bye.
You have nothing
to say here.
Andrew--
He's not the issue.
The issue is me, OK?
I come into captain Crabby,
one, for quality,
Two, for my baby,
my girlfriend,
my sweet love.
It's her birthday.
All I want was
to bring her
To an expensive dinner
and have them sing
"Happy birthday,"
and they said no.
All of these people
here are jealous.
Calm down. Hush.
Can I--Can I ask
you something?
Yes. Please. Please,
please ask me a question.
I'm gonna ask
you the simplest
question.
Yes. Please.
Is this a sex doll?
Yes. State law says that
a restaurant must sing
"Birthday" despite race,
creed, color, inanimate.
How much did you
spend on this thing?
$17,000.
17,000?
Oh, my god.
It was worth it.
It was worth it.
It was worth 17--
Soon as you get in this,
never got back to human.
Don't do that again.
Don't do this.
Don't do that.
Oh, OK. Oh, you know what?
Oh, hey, gesture police,
I can do this. I can do this.
I can do this. I can do this.
You can do it all night.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
I can do this.
Bup, bup, bup.
Nope. No!
I can do whatever I want.
If you get
the captain Crabby shrimp--
Birthday shrimp
for a song,
Then, yes, I will
be satisfied.
Just want to go to lunch.
Williams and jack:
â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Ah, see? That's nice.
See? What?
Uh-Oh. She's said I can go
down on her.
Here? OK, baby. OK.
No, no. Get him.
What? Oh, come on now.
Come on!
Andrew, that's it.
Dangle: hey, outstanding news.
I bet you're all
gonna be excited.
[Imitates drum roll]
We're finally recognizing
the Armenian genocide.
I feel like every time you
do one of them drum rolls...
Hmm?
You're starting
the bar way too high.
Was that too exciting?
That was, like getting
you too excited?
We think we're gonna have
some kind of taco bar or...
Oh. Sorry. Or
they're closing down
the amusement park
Just for us? Yeah.
Something, yeah.
Is the Armenian
genocide some sort
of festival?
No. There is
an Armenian festival.
This is not that.
No. Travis?
Are we gonna maybe
redo secret Santa,
Maybe do 2 out
of 3 this year?
Just because I've heard
a lot of people saying
That they weren't really
specifically happy
With their secret Santa.
Wait. No. No one
said that.
Trudy: wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Who said that?
Frankie:
I didn't say that.
Junior: that's what
the talk--The talk is that--
The talk is,
or your talk is?
Jack: I get crazy anxiety
about pulling that.
I don't want to go
through that again.
That's not in the spirit
of the season.
We should all just
get on board.
You know, we all know
each other well enough
To pick gifts
that represent our
personalities, I think.
You know what?
This is a little
off topic, guys,
But just about
those lights
the other night,
Headquarters called
and said it was
Just a helicopter
reflecting off a
batch of swamp gas,
Nothing to be
concerned about.
So done deal.
Good meeting, team.
Productive work.
See you. See you, guys.
Are those guys the same guys
that are always there?
That's what I was
just gonna ask.
They never talk.
They never talk.
They are, right?
Jack: who else
would they be?
Why would you be
in this room
And sit through
this shit
If you didn't have to?
Exactly. Precisely.
What the hell?
Junior:
holy fucking shit.
What?
Huh?
Do we have to do secret
Santa for them guys, too?
No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Yeah. We should know
these guys.
I'm just not very good
with names or faces
Or remembering, like,
a whole conversation
Or, like, part
of a conversation
Or, you know,
the facts or the figures
Or the math or the--
Butterflies.
Butterflies, right
over there.
Oh. No. Piece of paper.
Piece of paper.
Yeah. Garbage.
It's garbage,
but it was fluttering
just like a butterfly.
That's pretty. Yeah.
You know how much
these houses go for?
How much?
$400,000.
400,000? $400,000?
I can go buy
a castle in France.
Ho ho.
Oh, right?
OK.
OK.
Woman: freeze!
Neighborhood watch!
Come on. Get your
hands in the air.
Frankie: Reno sheriff's
department.
Do you mind putting
the guns down...
Can we just put
the guns down?
And we can just get
to business?
We could go check
out this house
over here.
We're just trying to
do our job, ma'am.
Just put
the gun down.
That's not gonna happen.
That's not gonna happen.
You should go back
into your car,
And you should go back
to the sheriff's department.
Let's get in our car,
and let's go back
To the sheriff's
department.
Did you leave your balls
at the station house?
You've got a gate.
Why do you
have 150 guns here?
Because we have
a very low wall.
[Glass shatters]
[Alarm blaring]
Freeze! Freeze!
Freeze! Neighborhood watch!
No, no, no!
You don't
say freeze!
You don't say freeze!
We say freeze!
Freeze! Neighborhood watch!
You don't say freeze!
We say freeze!
Freeze, you fucker!
Goddamn it!
Man: get the fuck
off my lawn!
[Gunshots]
Hey! Jesus!
Different man:
freeze! Neighborhood watch!
Oh, my god! Damn it!
[Gunfire, alarms blaring]
Who the hell
are these people?
Man, I don't know.
I've never been to this
neighborhood before.
Jesus! Oh, god.
Jesus.
Hey, how you doing?
The keys. Give me
your car keys.
I'll be right
back for you.
Go.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
This is
a gated community.
He's come back!
Go, go, go, go!
Man: you forgot
the stereo, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Yo soy
El chupacabra!
¡coco rico! ¡coco rico!
Aqui en KPBA 102.0.
The cero is silent.
We are Reno's number-one
Spanish-speaking radio station,
And we're here with
the Reno sheriff's department.
Reno sheriff,
â¿cã"mo te van?
Mucha gracias,
Chupacabra!
Y gracias por having
us on the show.
Thanks for having us.
We just want to
announce to all of your
listeners out there
That it's
bicycle safety week.
If you come down
to the Reno sheriff's
department this Saturday,
We're giving coupons
for $4.00 off
Any bike helmet
in the area.
[Snoring]
Well, it is super important,
though, so come on--
What was that?
That was a big
sLeeping because
Of your boring
talking.
[Snoring]
Yeah. It may not be
the most exciting thing
in the world,
But I think everybody
appreciates bike safety.
You know what's
exciting? Race wars!
Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka
ka ka ka ka ka ka ka
ka ka ka!
No, no, no, no.
Race cars.
Time for
a commercial break.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
I know.
[Speaks Spanish]
Yo voy con pistola,
sã, ping-ping
cuando se van.
ÿdesde al frente?
No. Al behind. Sã.
I'm going
to kill them.
Am I crazy? You said
you're gonna shoot us
With a gun when we leave.
Nah. That's
just Spanish.
It's a joke.
That's
an expression.
I would not shoot
you from behind
Como un cobarde,
a coward.
No. I will shoot you
from the front.
And we're back on
the air having fun.
¡coco rico! ¡coco rico!
¡coco rico! ¡coco rico!
Hey, Tru?
What?
I have an idea for
how we could check
To see if the 3
fellows whose names
I can't remember--
Yeah. How?
I got a plan.
OK.
It's not checked out,
but here's the thing.
OK.
I think they're
all Jews.
Why? What makes you
think that?
Just look
at their faces?
They have those
beaky faces...
Yeah.
But here's the thing.
I need you to get
some pictures
of their foreskins.
How am I gonna
do that?
I think
the old-fashioned way.
You know what
I'll do?
What's that?
I'm just gonna go
old school.
Yeah?
I'm just gonna say,
"hey, guys, I'm having
"A make-out party
at my place tonight.
Why don't you bring
your dicks?
Right.
Trudy: last year
for secret Santa,
Everyone got a present
except for me.
That doesn't make
any sense.
Because the person
who got your name
Didn't want to get
you nothing.
That's Fitz.
That's not Fitz.
That's just somebody
Don't like you.
Yep. We got a secret Jew
in the group.
That's what that is.
No. Hey!
Oh. Hey, ladies.
What's happening?
How you doing, fellas?
What was that?
Are y'all
related or--
No.
No, no, no, no.
I thought you were related
because you're name is
[indistinct].
What? I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm eating a hot dog.
Did you just say my
name was Fernando?
No.
I'm training her
for a hot dog
eating contest.
We're training
for a hot dog
eating contest.
On, no. My god. Oh.
Show us how fast
you can eat one.
Show us how fast
you can eat one.
Do it. Do it.
Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy!
Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy!
Trudy! Tru--
OK. All right.
Hey, we took care
of car 57 for you.
Don't worry about it.
Jesus, these smell bad.
Is it sulfur?
Thanks, [indistinct].
They ain't getting
no secret Santa
If we don't know
who the hell they are.
Ohh...
here we go.
I fucking hate this place.
Let's go, sarge.
[Men yelling]
[Punching]
[Glass breaks]
[Clang]
[Glass breaks]
[Crash]
Yeah.
Shit.
Fuck you!
[Gunshots]
Hah cha cha cha cha
cha cha. OK, OK, OK.
Jones: ho! Sheriff's
department.
Everybody needs to cool
the fuck out!
Sorry, ma'am. Wish
we could've made it here
in time for the action.
You, get the fuck
out of my bar!
Aah! Aah!
Sheriff's department.
Hi. Uhh...
Uhh to you, too.
Mike, we're here
because your
neighbors
Have been
wondering about you
a little bit.
Yeah?
They're a little
concerned about,
you know--
About this whole scenario here.
They're concerned.
That's nice. That's
nice. That's a nice--
You know, when you buy
into a neighborhood
like this...
Yeah?
You know, you watch
each other's back, and--
You're good?
You're fine?
Oh! Oh!
Come on, Michael. Michael!
Uh-Oh.
"Uh-Oh."
These ain't my pants.
Can you tell us
about last night?
I was partying down.
Really?
I was down--
Yeah?
Down over at the, ohh,
biker bar,
But they're not
real bikers,
The biker bar, though,
lot of fellas...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm, then
what happened?
We got it on beerwise
and then got it on
With a shot and then,
"you want a [indistinct], man?"
"What's that? Oh, I did
it off his back--
Ha ha ha--
And then bloop. Bloop.
Bloop is...
Went blank.
What did--Oh.
That's all you remember.
And then you guys
hassling me.
It hurts when I breathe.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Mm, god...
Did someone punch
you in the gut, too?
I think they punched me
up in the butt.
Up the butt. There's
another word for that.
Hey, Marvin?
It's not hey Marvin.
It's Lee Marvin,
is what I meant.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
When I said,
"hey, Marvin,"
I was going to
reference Lee Marvin
In that terrific
picture...
"Paint your wagons red"?
That's exactly
what I meant.
"Paint your wagons red.
Yeah.
Yep.
Hi, kids. My name is
deputy Trudy Wiegel,
And I am from the Reno
sheriff's department,
And I am here today to talk to
you about your red-light areas.
Now, I know it's sometimes hard
to keep track of all of them
Because we got
so darn many of them,
So I wrote a little song
to help you remember
just where they are.
Â♪ ooh, jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my bunghole â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my boobs â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my fanny â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my cooch
ooh, lordy â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my fun bags â♪
Â♪ oh, lordy â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my vage â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my wiener â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my hole â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my scrotum â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't play with my balls â♪
For 3 years in a row,
Trudy Wiegel has gotten
me for secret Santa.
3 years ago,
caramel apple.
I threw
the caramel apple away
at the station.
Last year, swear to god,
same caramel apple.
And every year,
he throws it away,
So I just take it out
of the garbage.
Next year, I regift it.
I just put more sprinkles
on the outside
And make it look
more festive.
Also every year,
I give him a coupon
for a hug.
He hasn't turned
any of them in yet
to get his hugs.
I think he's probably saving
them all up to trade them in
For one big blow job.
Raar raar raar raar!
Ha ha ha!
Got a 911 call out here
in Donner state park.
Boy, this
is a long drive.
Thank you.
Good to see you. Yeah.
You OK?
You guys came in like
the Flintstones.
That was like
yabba dabba doo.
It's an 18-Minute drive
from the main highway.
Yeah. We had a washout, too.
I'm surprised you guys
got through that.
Yeah. I think we
bottomed out there,
Took some damage.
You all right?
Good to see you.
You look good.
You look good.
You lose weight?
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, a little bit,
little bit, yeah.
You working out?
A little bit,
little bit.
Good. You look strong.
Not a social call,
I hope.
God, I hope this is
not a social call.
No, sir. No, no.
Come on over here.
Have a seat. Have a seat.
No, no, no. We
will not sit down.
Is the perp still here?
Perp still here?
It's a yarn.
It's a bit of a yarn.
We don't have time.
We don't have time
for a bit of a yarn.
We for sure don't have
time for a yarn.
So, I'm out there,
and I'm in a certain area,
And I see something.
I'm thinking,
"Oh, maybe that's a bear."
You know, I got Chuck,
And I got Gary over
on this side.
I got names
for them, you know?
And then I think it
was, like, a guy.
It looked like a man,
but I'm not sure
because he was--
Vagrant, homeless fella.
I think it was
a homeless vagrant.
Homeless man.
Dressed as a bear?
Probably a drifter.
Probably a bear
or just your mistake?
I'm thinking bear,
maybe bobcat.
No, sir. Guys, I wouldn't
call you our here
For some nonsense.
This guy--
Although
you have before.
You have before.
You have before.
Trust me, guys.
OK.
Glen, do us a favor.
Be honest with us now.
There was no...
Man-Bear.
Man-Bear.
There was a--
Come on now.
There was a bear
on the ridge.
Just a bear
on the ridge.
That's where he should be,
in the national parks.
National park, that's where
a bear should be.
If it was a drifter,
I'm unprepared.
We like you. I think
you're a good guy.
You're a good guy.
We like you.
What are you doing
for Christmas?
Well, going to
my--Chicago.
Family is doing
a thing, so--
You?
Going with him
to Chicago.
We're going to
Chicago to do a thing.
We're going
to Chicago.
Yeah. I'll be out here
by myself.
You know--
Saddest time of the year
is Christmas. That's a fact.
That's where the Donners
ate each other,
Right, up there?
Isn't that--
Right, I believe,
right there.
Yeah. Right there.
It's been great.
I could've sworn
I just heard some
whispering
Over from the Donner
bones, but--
You might want
to check that out.
Wow, it's been great.
Oh, it's been great.
Bye, Glen.
Don't chase the car.
Don't chase the car.
It's dangerous.
Don't chase the car.
Dangle: I think there's
a very good chance
That the blond
one's name is--
I yelled out,
"hey, Glarry."
"Hey, Glarry"?
"Glarry"?
It's either--He might
be Gary or Larry
Because I was trying
to say Gary,
And I made a mistake.
I said, "hey, Glarry."
The glasses guy kind
of looks like Roge.
Frankie: he looks like
an Ernie.
Glasses guy does look
like an Ernie.
He looks like an Ernie.
Are we gonna start
doing "looks like"?
Ladies and gentlemen
of the Reno, Nevada,
sheriff's department,
You've, no doubt,
by now surmised that
We are not
who we claim to be.
We are not actually
members of the Reno
sheriff's department.
We are members of the
office of homeworld security.
Yes. A rain of antimatter
was coming down
Upon the very desert
in which you all live,
And we stopped it
from killing every
last one of you.
Yes?
Is your name Glarry?
That's the most ridiculous--
That's not a name.
Who is named Glarry?
I turned because
I heard Glarry
And I thought, "what
the hell does Glarry mean?"
Flat out mistake,
and I apologize.
Now please come with us,
And we will answer
every question you have.
Come on.
Was that not clear?
We meant right now.
We meant right now.
You can follow us.
Let us go now.
Time is of the essence.
Ladies and gentlemen,
do not forget what's
happened here.
There's one thing that
you need to remember.
It's do not trust
your senses.
We'll be in contact.
If we're not, pray.
Let's go!
Godspeed.
[Mumbling]
So, we don't have to
do them for secret Santa.
No. We don't.
All: yeah!
Last time I did
Whippits,
Roy Clark appeared
And told me not
to do Whippits anymore,
And I stopped.
Well, that would
do it for me.
Cold turkey.
I think he's dead.
You had a vision.
Yeah, yeah.
Of Roy Clark.
Oh, no. He's long dead.
Long dead.
Came out, big smile,
Red, white, and blue
banjo,
And said, "Travis,
you straighten up."
You know, I got some
in the trunk.
Salvia?
Yeah. And Whippits.
Oh. Not tonight.
Not, as it were,
a school night.
Ha ha ha!
I'm fucking with you.
"School night.
Yeah, let's do some.
Let's do some
Whippits really quick.
You're the manager?
Yes, sir. Yes.
OK. Your tag checks
out there.
I got the tape
from the surveillance video.
George: I installed
this whole thing here
Last time this
happened, so--
Is that that camera
right up there?
Yes, sir.
OK. He gets up
on this counter?
Yes, sir.
That's this counter.
That is this
table right here.
He's undoing
his pants there.
[Man on TV urinating]
It's evidence,
I guess, now.
Yeah.
Oh, you want to maybe
put it in one cup.
Put it all in one cup,
and then we'll just send it
Straight to the lab. OK.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
[Tires screech]
Come on.
They all have guns!
Whoo hoo!
Ow!
Push them together?
Get off the bike!
Off your bike.
Oh! God!
[All taking at once]
Aah!
[Siren]
We got a call about
some lights
Out in the desert here.
We got to check
it out.
Probably nothing,
but--
You put a little bit
in a bowl, smoke it.
Is that the one you
make a tea out of,
Herbal. You can put
it in a tea...
Get a shaman,
get a guide?
Or you can smoke
a little bowl of it,
too, totally legal.
Huh, Salvia.
Somebody is
already on it.
Hey, boys. Hi,
fellas.
Sorry.
We didn't know.
Great to see
you over there.
We thought we was
first on the scene.
Oh, no, no.
We beat you to it.
Yeah. We were in the area.
We got the call.
Somebody saw some
lights or something?
Yeah. It's all
taken care of.
You don't got
to worry about it.
You have a good one.
Take care, you guys.
Hey, can I ask
you something?
Yeah.
Do you know
those guys?
I thought you did.
That's why I was like--
I wasn't gonna say anything.
I thought you knew--
I thought you knew
those guys.
Yeah. No. I never--
I don't remember
any of those guys.
Well, I mean--
Who are those--
You know, like--
On the other side
of the road,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Behind you,
there's all
those other guys.
Those are those
guys, right?
Right? Hey,
how y'all doing?
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, guys.
You guys are back.
I thought you guys
were leaving.
I thought we told
you to leave.
Uh, we did.
You guys are--
You're with us.
Third generation.
Hey, when you guys
get home,
Just take a good,
long shower,
Wash any exposed skin
and everything.
Officer 2: yeah, and
actually, if you have
An eye-wash rig at home,
I'd recommend using that.
We got one
at the station.
There you go.
Seriously...
Do you guys want
coffee or hoagies
or anything at all?
Because we're about
to make a run.
We're already
in the car.
No, no. It's that
acid reflux.
OK. I know. It's
late. It's late.
Hey, good night.
Good night, guys.
Adios.
Last chance for
coffee and hoagie!
Yeah. No, thanks. OK.
You are too kind.
All right.
Let's dig it up.
Yep.
He's over here. He's--
Uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh.
Easy, vest. Bye-Bye.
You have nothing
to say here.
Andrew--
He's not the issue.
The issue is me, OK?
I come into captain Crabby,
one, for quality,
Two, for my baby,
my girlfriend,
my sweet love.
It's her birthday.
All I want was
to bring her
To an expensive dinner
and have them sing
"Happy birthday,"
and they said no.
All of these people
here are jealous.
Calm down. Hush.
Can I--Can I ask
you something?
Yes. Please. Please,
please ask me a question.
I'm gonna ask
you the simplest
question.
Yes. Please.
Is this a sex doll?
Yes. State law says that
a restaurant must sing
"Birthday" despite race,
creed, color, inanimate.
How much did you
spend on this thing?
$17,000.
17,000?
Oh, my god.
It was worth it.
It was worth it.
It was worth 17--
Soon as you get in this,
never got back to human.
Don't do that again.
Don't do this.
Don't do that.
Oh, OK. Oh, you know what?
Oh, hey, gesture police,
I can do this. I can do this.
I can do this. I can do this.
You can do it all night.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
I can do this.
Bup, bup, bup.
Nope. No!
I can do whatever I want.
If you get
the captain Crabby shrimp--
Birthday shrimp
for a song,
Then, yes, I will
be satisfied.
Just want to go to lunch.
Williams and jack:
â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Â♪ happy, happy birthday, sue â♪
Ah, see? That's nice.
See? What?
Uh-Oh. She's said I can go
down on her.
Here? OK, baby. OK.
No, no. Get him.
What? Oh, come on now.
Come on!
Andrew, that's it.
Dangle: hey, outstanding news.
I bet you're all
gonna be excited.
[Imitates drum roll]
We're finally recognizing
the Armenian genocide.
I feel like every time you
do one of them drum rolls...
Hmm?
You're starting
the bar way too high.
Was that too exciting?
That was, like getting
you too excited?
We think we're gonna have
some kind of taco bar or...
Oh. Sorry. Or
they're closing down
the amusement park
Just for us? Yeah.
Something, yeah.
Is the Armenian
genocide some sort
of festival?
No. There is
an Armenian festival.
This is not that.
No. Travis?
Are we gonna maybe
redo secret Santa,
Maybe do 2 out
of 3 this year?
Just because I've heard
a lot of people saying
That they weren't really
specifically happy
With their secret Santa.
Wait. No. No one
said that.
Trudy: wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Who said that?
Frankie:
I didn't say that.
Junior: that's what
the talk--The talk is that--
The talk is,
or your talk is?
Jack: I get crazy anxiety
about pulling that.
I don't want to go
through that again.
That's not in the spirit
of the season.
We should all just
get on board.
You know, we all know
each other well enough
To pick gifts
that represent our
personalities, I think.
You know what?
This is a little
off topic, guys,
But just about
those lights
the other night,
Headquarters called
and said it was
Just a helicopter
reflecting off a
batch of swamp gas,
Nothing to be
concerned about.
So done deal.
Good meeting, team.
Productive work.
See you. See you, guys.
Are those guys the same guys
that are always there?
That's what I was
just gonna ask.
They never talk.
They never talk.
They are, right?
Jack: who else
would they be?
Why would you be
in this room
And sit through
this shit
If you didn't have to?
Exactly. Precisely.
What the hell?
Junior:
holy fucking shit.
What?
Huh?
Do we have to do secret
Santa for them guys, too?
No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Yeah. We should know
these guys.
I'm just not very good
with names or faces
Or remembering, like,
a whole conversation
Or, like, part
of a conversation
Or, you know,
the facts or the figures
Or the math or the--
Butterflies.
Butterflies, right
over there.
Oh. No. Piece of paper.
Piece of paper.
Yeah. Garbage.
It's garbage,
but it was fluttering
just like a butterfly.
That's pretty. Yeah.
You know how much
these houses go for?
How much?
$400,000.
400,000? $400,000?
I can go buy
a castle in France.
Ho ho.
Oh, right?
OK.
OK.
Woman: freeze!
Neighborhood watch!
Come on. Get your
hands in the air.
Frankie: Reno sheriff's
department.
Do you mind putting
the guns down...
Can we just put
the guns down?
And we can just get
to business?
We could go check
out this house
over here.
We're just trying to
do our job, ma'am.
Just put
the gun down.
That's not gonna happen.
That's not gonna happen.
You should go back
into your car,
And you should go back
to the sheriff's department.
Let's get in our car,
and let's go back
To the sheriff's
department.
Did you leave your balls
at the station house?
You've got a gate.
Why do you
have 150 guns here?
Because we have
a very low wall.
[Glass shatters]
[Alarm blaring]
Freeze! Freeze!
Freeze! Neighborhood watch!
No, no, no!
You don't
say freeze!
You don't say freeze!
We say freeze!
Freeze! Neighborhood watch!
You don't say freeze!
We say freeze!
Freeze, you fucker!
Goddamn it!
Man: get the fuck
off my lawn!
[Gunshots]
Hey! Jesus!
Different man:
freeze! Neighborhood watch!
Oh, my god! Damn it!
[Gunfire, alarms blaring]
Who the hell
are these people?
Man, I don't know.
I've never been to this
neighborhood before.
Jesus! Oh, god.
Jesus.
Hey, how you doing?
The keys. Give me
your car keys.
I'll be right
back for you.
Go.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
This is
a gated community.
He's come back!
Go, go, go, go!
Man: you forgot
the stereo, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Yo soy
El chupacabra!
¡coco rico! ¡coco rico!
Aqui en KPBA 102.0.
The cero is silent.
We are Reno's number-one
Spanish-speaking radio station,
And we're here with
the Reno sheriff's department.
Reno sheriff,
â¿cã"mo te van?
Mucha gracias,
Chupacabra!
Y gracias por having
us on the show.
Thanks for having us.
We just want to
announce to all of your
listeners out there
That it's
bicycle safety week.
If you come down
to the Reno sheriff's
department this Saturday,
We're giving coupons
for $4.00 off
Any bike helmet
in the area.
[Snoring]
Well, it is super important,
though, so come on--
What was that?
That was a big
sLeeping because
Of your boring
talking.
[Snoring]
Yeah. It may not be
the most exciting thing
in the world,
But I think everybody
appreciates bike safety.
You know what's
exciting? Race wars!
Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka
ka ka ka ka ka ka ka
ka ka ka!
No, no, no, no.
Race cars.
Time for
a commercial break.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
I know.
[Speaks Spanish]
Yo voy con pistola,
sã, ping-ping
cuando se van.
ÿdesde al frente?
No. Al behind. Sã.
I'm going
to kill them.
Am I crazy? You said
you're gonna shoot us
With a gun when we leave.
Nah. That's
just Spanish.
It's a joke.
That's
an expression.
I would not shoot
you from behind
Como un cobarde,
a coward.
No. I will shoot you
from the front.
And we're back on
the air having fun.
¡coco rico! ¡coco rico!
¡coco rico! ¡coco rico!
Hey, Tru?
What?
I have an idea for
how we could check
To see if the 3
fellows whose names
I can't remember--
Yeah. How?
I got a plan.
OK.
It's not checked out,
but here's the thing.
OK.
I think they're
all Jews.
Why? What makes you
think that?
Just look
at their faces?
They have those
beaky faces...
Yeah.
But here's the thing.
I need you to get
some pictures
of their foreskins.
How am I gonna
do that?
I think
the old-fashioned way.
You know what
I'll do?
What's that?
I'm just gonna go
old school.
Yeah?
I'm just gonna say,
"hey, guys, I'm having
"A make-out party
at my place tonight.
Why don't you bring
your dicks?
Right.
Trudy: last year
for secret Santa,
Everyone got a present
except for me.
That doesn't make
any sense.
Because the person
who got your name
Didn't want to get
you nothing.
That's Fitz.
That's not Fitz.
That's just somebody
Don't like you.
Yep. We got a secret Jew
in the group.
That's what that is.
No. Hey!
Oh. Hey, ladies.
What's happening?
How you doing, fellas?
What was that?
Are y'all
related or--
No.
No, no, no, no.
I thought you were related
because you're name is
[indistinct].
What? I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm eating a hot dog.
Did you just say my
name was Fernando?
No.
I'm training her
for a hot dog
eating contest.
We're training
for a hot dog
eating contest.
On, no. My god. Oh.
Show us how fast
you can eat one.
Show us how fast
you can eat one.
Do it. Do it.
Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy!
Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy!
Trudy! Tru--
OK. All right.
Hey, we took care
of car 57 for you.
Don't worry about it.
Jesus, these smell bad.
Is it sulfur?
Thanks, [indistinct].
They ain't getting
no secret Santa
If we don't know
who the hell they are.
Ohh...
here we go.
I fucking hate this place.
Let's go, sarge.
[Men yelling]
[Punching]
[Glass breaks]
[Clang]
[Glass breaks]
[Crash]
Yeah.
Shit.
Fuck you!
[Gunshots]
Hah cha cha cha cha
cha cha. OK, OK, OK.
Jones: ho! Sheriff's
department.
Everybody needs to cool
the fuck out!
Sorry, ma'am. Wish
we could've made it here
in time for the action.
You, get the fuck
out of my bar!
Aah! Aah!
Sheriff's department.
Hi. Uhh...
Uhh to you, too.
Mike, we're here
because your
neighbors
Have been
wondering about you
a little bit.
Yeah?
They're a little
concerned about,
you know--
About this whole scenario here.
They're concerned.
That's nice. That's
nice. That's a nice--
You know, when you buy
into a neighborhood
like this...
Yeah?
You know, you watch
each other's back, and--
You're good?
You're fine?
Oh! Oh!
Come on, Michael. Michael!
Uh-Oh.
"Uh-Oh."
These ain't my pants.
Can you tell us
about last night?
I was partying down.
Really?
I was down--
Yeah?
Down over at the, ohh,
biker bar,
But they're not
real bikers,
The biker bar, though,
lot of fellas...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm, then
what happened?
We got it on beerwise
and then got it on
With a shot and then,
"you want a [indistinct], man?"
"What's that? Oh, I did
it off his back--
Ha ha ha--
And then bloop. Bloop.
Bloop is...
Went blank.
What did--Oh.
That's all you remember.
And then you guys
hassling me.
It hurts when I breathe.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Mm, god...
Did someone punch
you in the gut, too?
I think they punched me
up in the butt.
Up the butt. There's
another word for that.
Hey, Marvin?
It's not hey Marvin.
It's Lee Marvin,
is what I meant.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
When I said,
"hey, Marvin,"
I was going to
reference Lee Marvin
In that terrific
picture...
"Paint your wagons red"?
That's exactly
what I meant.
"Paint your wagons red.
Yeah.
Yep.
Hi, kids. My name is
deputy Trudy Wiegel,
And I am from the Reno
sheriff's department,
And I am here today to talk to
you about your red-light areas.
Now, I know it's sometimes hard
to keep track of all of them
Because we got
so darn many of them,
So I wrote a little song
to help you remember
just where they are.
Â♪ ooh, jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my bunghole â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my boobs â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my fanny â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my cooch
ooh, lordy â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my fun bags â♪
Â♪ oh, lordy â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my vage â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my wiener â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my hole â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't you touch my scrotum â♪
Â♪ jump down, turn around â♪
Â♪ don't play with my balls â♪
For 3 years in a row,
Trudy Wiegel has gotten
me for secret Santa.
3 years ago,
caramel apple.
I threw
the caramel apple away
at the station.
Last year, swear to god,
same caramel apple.
And every year,
he throws it away,
So I just take it out
of the garbage.
Next year, I regift it.
I just put more sprinkles
on the outside
And make it look
more festive.
Also every year,
I give him a coupon
for a hug.
He hasn't turned
any of them in yet
to get his hugs.
I think he's probably saving
them all up to trade them in
For one big blow job.
Raar raar raar raar!
Ha ha ha!
Got a 911 call out here
in Donner state park.
Boy, this
is a long drive.
Thank you.
Good to see you. Yeah.
You OK?
You guys came in like
the Flintstones.
That was like
yabba dabba doo.
It's an 18-Minute drive
from the main highway.
Yeah. We had a washout, too.
I'm surprised you guys
got through that.
Yeah. I think we
bottomed out there,
Took some damage.
You all right?
Good to see you.
You look good.
You look good.
You lose weight?
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, a little bit,
little bit, yeah.
You working out?
A little bit,
little bit.
Good. You look strong.
Not a social call,
I hope.
God, I hope this is
not a social call.
No, sir. No, no.
Come on over here.
Have a seat. Have a seat.
No, no, no. We
will not sit down.
Is the perp still here?
Perp still here?
It's a yarn.
It's a bit of a yarn.
We don't have time.
We don't have time
for a bit of a yarn.
We for sure don't have
time for a yarn.
So, I'm out there,
and I'm in a certain area,
And I see something.
I'm thinking,
"Oh, maybe that's a bear."
You know, I got Chuck,
And I got Gary over
on this side.
I got names
for them, you know?
And then I think it
was, like, a guy.
It looked like a man,
but I'm not sure
because he was--
Vagrant, homeless fella.
I think it was
a homeless vagrant.
Homeless man.
Dressed as a bear?
Probably a drifter.
Probably a bear
or just your mistake?
I'm thinking bear,
maybe bobcat.
No, sir. Guys, I wouldn't
call you our here
For some nonsense.
This guy--
Although
you have before.
You have before.
You have before.
Trust me, guys.
OK.
Glen, do us a favor.
Be honest with us now.
There was no...
Man-Bear.
Man-Bear.
There was a--
Come on now.
There was a bear
on the ridge.
Just a bear
on the ridge.
That's where he should be,
in the national parks.
National park, that's where
a bear should be.
If it was a drifter,
I'm unprepared.
We like you. I think
you're a good guy.
You're a good guy.
We like you.
What are you doing
for Christmas?
Well, going to
my--Chicago.
Family is doing
a thing, so--
You?
Going with him
to Chicago.
We're going to
Chicago to do a thing.
We're going
to Chicago.
Yeah. I'll be out here
by myself.
You know--
Saddest time of the year
is Christmas. That's a fact.
That's where the Donners
ate each other,
Right, up there?
Isn't that--
Right, I believe,
right there.
Yeah. Right there.
It's been great.
I could've sworn
I just heard some
whispering
Over from the Donner
bones, but--
You might want
to check that out.
Wow, it's been great.
Oh, it's been great.
Bye, Glen.
Don't chase the car.
Don't chase the car.
It's dangerous.
Don't chase the car.
Dangle: I think there's
a very good chance
That the blond
one's name is--
I yelled out,
"hey, Glarry."
"Hey, Glarry"?
"Glarry"?
It's either--He might
be Gary or Larry
Because I was trying
to say Gary,
And I made a mistake.
I said, "hey, Glarry."
The glasses guy kind
of looks like Roge.
Frankie: he looks like
an Ernie.
Glasses guy does look
like an Ernie.
He looks like an Ernie.
Are we gonna start
doing "looks like"?
Ladies and gentlemen
of the Reno, Nevada,
sheriff's department,
You've, no doubt,
by now surmised that
We are not
who we claim to be.
We are not actually
members of the Reno
sheriff's department.
We are members of the
office of homeworld security.
Yes. A rain of antimatter
was coming down
Upon the very desert
in which you all live,
And we stopped it
from killing every
last one of you.
Yes?
Is your name Glarry?
That's the most ridiculous--
That's not a name.
Who is named Glarry?
I turned because
I heard Glarry
And I thought, "what
the hell does Glarry mean?"
Flat out mistake,
and I apologize.
Now please come with us,
And we will answer
every question you have.
Come on.
Was that not clear?
We meant right now.
We meant right now.
You can follow us.
Let us go now.
Time is of the essence.
Ladies and gentlemen,
do not forget what's
happened here.
There's one thing that
you need to remember.
It's do not trust
your senses.
We'll be in contact.
If we're not, pray.
Let's go!
Godspeed.
[Mumbling]
So, we don't have to
do them for secret Santa.
No. We don't.
All: yeah!
Last time I did
Whippits,
Roy Clark appeared
And told me not
to do Whippits anymore,
And I stopped.
Well, that would
do it for me.
Cold turkey.
I think he's dead.
You had a vision.
Yeah, yeah.
Of Roy Clark.
Oh, no. He's long dead.
Long dead.
Came out, big smile,
Red, white, and blue
banjo,
And said, "Travis,
you straighten up."
You know, I got some
in the trunk.
Salvia?
Yeah. And Whippits.
Oh. Not tonight.
Not, as it were,
a school night.
Ha ha ha!
I'm fucking with you.
"School night.
Yeah, let's do some.
Let's do some
Whippits really quick.