Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Midnight Swingers - full transcript

You take water,
and you freeze it.
That's the recipe.

Rizzo: for ice?

Yeah. It's just
frozen water.

Declan: yup.

Â♪ to the wha, wha,
to the wha, to the wha,
to the wha, wha â♪

Guess what.

Williams: what?
Guess what.

All: what?

Guess who has a secret
admirer. Yours truly. Look.

"Lieutenant Dangle,
Jim Dangle, one day
your heart will be mine."

Wow.
It came with a prop.



All: whoa!

Declan:
oh, my god.

Pig heart.
Williams:
what is that?

Death threat. Not
an admirer--A death threat.

Junior: you should
just do your...
dust for, uh...

Dangle: it's a death threat.
It's a death threat,
people! Death threat!

Son of a bitch!
God damn it!

They all have guns!

Ow!

Push them together?

Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!

Aah! Gah!

[Siren]

[Click click click]



Uh! Uh!

Watch. Over the line.

Aah!

Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

Dangle:
good morning,
party people.

Wiegel:
good morning.

Come on, everybody.
Call it out. "Good
morning, lieutenant."

All: good morning, lieutenant.

Thank you, sergeant.
How does everybody
like the new wall color?

What did it
used to be?

Are you sure they did it?

Yeah.

Rizzo: it looks the same.

What was it before?

I thought it w--Uh, OK.
Maybe they didn't--
Never mind.

You know what? This is--
I gave tomorrow's
announcement.

They're painting
the walls tonight.

I do all the week's
announcements
sometimes in advance.

Ah. That's tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll ask you
what you think of
the new wall color.

This is the same.

Yeah. So no
painting was done.

Uh, OK. In assignments,
there's a warrant, uh,

For Reuben
"the bone" Alvarez.
The drug trafficker.

We need an undercover team
to pose as a couple--

Uh, I thought Jones
and Williams seemed
sort of plausible--

To infiltrate
the midnight swingers.

Alvarez is a known member
of this sex club.

What's a sex club?

Dangle:
it's like a key party.

Rizzo: yeah,
they're key parties.

Key parties is
where sexually promiscuous
couples get together

And they throw their
car keys in a bowl,

And then they take them out
and they fuck each other.

With the keys?

No, no, no. Each other
depending on whose key
they have.

With their
penises. Yeah.

What if you walked
to the party?

Do you still get
to get fucked?

You could always--
You'll always get
fucked at the party,

No matter whether you get
there by foot, by car, by
hovercraft, by float.

You're always gonna
get--You're all
ready to fucked.

So that means we're gonna--
We're gonna get to
fuck people, too.

Dangle: no. That's exactly
what you don't need to do.

Declan: you know what?
I'd like to do
some undercover.

Dangle: you're not
getting this one.

No. I don't have to
have this one.

I'm just saying I got
myself a fake beard
at the 99-Cent store.

I'd like to be considered
the next time there's
an undercover assignment.

The next time something--
I need a bearded guy,

If I need, like, a Hasidim
or, like, an Amish guy--

What about, like,
a big, fat homeless guy?
He could do that.

Why does he have to
be big and fat?

Today it is a somber
day in Reno.

We honor
our fallen comrade
James Oswaldo Garcia.

Per his last wishes,

Firing his cremated
ashes out of a cannon.

Ready, detail!

Dangle:
careful!

Jones:
aw, shit.

Dangle: aw, god damn it.
Everyone scoop him
up. Scoop him up.

Get as much Garcia
back in as you can.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck?
What?

What the fuck?
Live cannon.

Ew. Ew. What if this part
is his balls?

Some part of this
is his balls, OK?

Stop blowing right onto me.
Blow to the right of me.

No, stop blowing.

Don't blow it at
me. Blow down
the god damn thing.

[Coughing]

There we go. Most of it.
There's most of it.

Hya. Sounding! Hya! Fire!

Didn't go.
Did it go? I plugged
my ears. Did it go?

Obviously it didn't go.

James Garcia,
we salute you! Fire!

Nope.

We got to just get
the thing out of
the bottom of it.

Get the thing out
of the bottom.
It's all right. Crawl.

Wiegel:
we have a hold of it?

I got it. I got it.
I almost got it.

Should I try to
get it loose?

OK, totally stuck.
Totally stuck, for real.

Keep tapping it.
Leave it. Good.

Jiggle it.
OK, jiggle it.

All: â♪ amazing grace,
how sweet the sound â♪

Â♪ that saved a wretch like me â♪

Hey, look at me.
I got a big black dick.

What if we just sat this up
on a fence and shot at it?

I think Garcia would
approve, oddly enough.

[Horn honking]

[Car alarm]

Fucking Garcia, man.
Shit

Fucking Mexicans.
Wow.

Hello.
How you doing?

Hi.

Sheriff's department.

Uh, you guys sent us
a stool sample, and
we're wondering why.

Huh. Um... I don't
have a clue.

OK.

Uh, I guess I can make
some calls, I guess.

Great.

Let me try doctor, uh,
Dr. Diphold, see
what he says.

I'm here with the Reno
sheriff's department.

They were sent
a, uh, Tupperware
container

Of what appears to
be human stool.

It's very hard.

It's hard and--

Might have been
constipated.

And very dry. Yeah.
It appears to be
pretty tight, too.

It's not a loose stool.
Uh, you can hear it.

Can you hear it?

That's kind of what
it sounds like.

OK. You--You have
no idea--No one
from your department

Sent that? All right.

OK. All right. No,
I'll see you then.

OK, bye. Let me try
operations--Building
operations.

OK.
Maybe they just
found something

And they didn't know
what to do with it.

Well, I mean if
they just found it,

They could have just
maybe thrown it out.

Yeah, no. Yeah, I can hold.
She's got me on hold.

You know, for the record,

We don't need this much
stool for a DNA test.

That's a lot.

This is--This is way, way
more stool than we need.

How much is--

All you need is,
like, a cigar snip.

If that. If that.
Oh, just the tip?

If that.

Do me a favor.
Just open that up.

I know it may
sound weird, but...

[Music box playing]

OK, I know who
sent that.

We fired that guy.
He's batshit crazy.

I don't get excited
about my job very
often, OK?

But I'm extremely
excited about this
undercover job

Because the women
at these key parties--

I don't know if you
know about these--
The people there.

Man: the urine
on the carpet--

Woman: it's not gonna
come out, is it?
It's not gonna come out.

I think it's
because I had some
cranberry juice,

And that way it tends to
take the yellow and--

Hello!
Hello!
New people.

Welcome! Hey. Ah.
Oh, my goodness.

How are you?

Can I fuck you
right now or later?
I don't know.

We're, uh, friends
of Reuben Alvarez.

Oh, OK. Well, then
that's all right.
Sure.

And we got keys.

Oh!

That's like
an open invitation.
Boom. Right there.

The key?

You gonna put
it right down there?
Key to the snatch pack.

Key to the snatch pack.

You know your stuff.
You're no beginner.

Right there,
sweetheart. Just
put it right there.

I'm gonna memorize--OK.

Are you hard-Core?
Are you trash 'em
and smash 'em?

Are you gentle
but sweet? What?

Urination?

Um...

Yes.

All of that.
All of that.
Yes.

Thank you, Monique.

Monique is having
surgery tomorrow.

We hope she
makes it.

Good lady.
Good lady.

Good luck to you.

We lost so many
members to puzzles.

Like, everybody
started doing puzzles,

And they left
the swing scene.

Oh, really?
Yeah. Horrible.

A lot of our people.

Horrible what that hobby
can do to a person.

I want to see just
exactly how you go down

And how you react
so that I know
what to expect,

You know
what I mean?

She calls me the Jackhammer.
Just hold on to my ears--

Ooh! Ya ya ya
ya ya.

Are you interested
in waterfront property,
by any chance?

Do you know of anybody
who's interested in
waterfront property?

Oh, yeah. We've got
an area

That we're having
a hard time
getting rid of.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi!

Tell us what
your sign says,
terry.

It says "vote for me
or I'll pee on you."

"Or I'll pee
on you."

Yeah.

What are you
running for, terry?

President of
the United States.

You're running
for president of
the United States?

You know, we had
one of those
a while back.

Who won?

You're either real, real
late, or you're real early.

Are you late, or
are you early, terry?

I'm doing 2020.

2020?
Yeah.

All right.

I want to get a head start.

You want to get
a head start?
Yeah.

Lay a foundation?
You're doing
a grass roots?

Yeah. Some ass roots.

Grass... roots?

Terry?
What?

Did you wake up
this morning...

Yes.

Get super, super,
super high...

Make a sign
that said

"Vote for me or
I'll pee on you,"

And come down here
and harass everybody
coming in and out?

OK. I did wake up.

OK. All right.

I, uh--Something happened.
I don't remember.

OK, this might be
the part where

You got super, super,
super high, right?

Maybe. We don't know.

Might be.
We don't know.

I did have
17 bowls of cereal.

17 bowls of cereal.

What kind of
cereal did
you have, terry?

It wasn't total, because
you know if you have

A bowl of total, it's like
having 17 bowls of some--

Of other cereals.

Are you serious?
One bowl of total?
Yeah.

So you went with the
17 other cereals.

You were high
even for you, terry.

I've never been high.
Oh! Was that a dragon?

OK, his fingers.
Obviously--

I thought it was a dragon.

OK, what's this?

Thank god. It's spiders!

OK, what's this?

Fire!

Genie. Genie.

I don't know what
the fuck drug he's on.

Uh, I have
a question.

I got this in the
mail two days ago,
and this says--

Congratulation!

You did this.

Yeah!

You promoted me
to captain.

Congratulation.
You are captain.

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

You can't just
promote people
to captain.

See, just because--
You can't just
go and randomly--

You're looking at the new
captain! Whoo! Whoo!

Â♪ bop bop bop
bop bop bop bop! Â♪

Ha ha! You're looking
at the captain of the Reno
sheriff's department,

And the first thing I
am doing is telling
Dangle to go uhh!

Hey, Jim, how about
you come out here?

I just need to ask you
something.

Hey, let's stop--
Let's--

This is just a flat-out
waste of taxpayers' money.

You know what I
want to ask you?

To call me in that room.

I want to ask you to
suck my dick.

Cindy: congratulation!
You are all captain.

Cindy has been, uh, making
everybody captain,

So we'll just
forget all about that.
See you, Cappy.

I'm sorry, but you
know what I can do?

I can make you
1/18 Mapoa Indian.

Would you like that?

Yeah, OK.

You'll get $500
check every month
from the casino.

Would you like that?

Yeah, that's
something, right?
OK.

There were just
daisy chains...

Yeah.

For miles.
People with their
heads and people--

Exciting time, huh?

Exciting times
because Reagan

Stimulated the economy,
and everything--

Everything. Yeah.
That's when everybody
went to the sex to make

Them happy,
medicate themselves,

And then found
out it was fun.

And we got cheap
sheets from China.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think firemen
are overpaid?

[Tires screech]

Got a telegram. I didn't
know you could get
a telegram anymore.

It said "meet me at
the old filling station.

All will be revealed."

[Engine revving]
hello! Hello!

Who are you?
Who are you?

Who are you, man?

Who are you, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

Gary Morgan.
Reno sheriff's.
Where's the lieutenant?

I am the lieutenant!

Put it down! Put your
gun on the ground!

Put yours on the ground.
Put yours on the ground!

Put yours first!
Put yours on the ground!

Wait. Same time.
How's that?

Where's the lieutenant?

I am the lieutenant.

Where's lieutenant Larry?

Lieutenant Larry?

The guy that's
been picking up

The communique for
the last 10 years.

Lieutenant Larry?
Oh, my god.

Time to pick up the ants,
man. This is the day.

Lieutenant Larry left
the sheriff's department,

Like, 8 years ago.
I'm lieutenant Dangle.

I've been dropping him
a communique for 10 years.

It's time to take down
the ants, man.

I've been undercover
for 10 years!

Oh, boy.

What the hell?!

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Aah!

Oh, boy. Are these
reel-to-reels?

Of course.

We have no way to play
those, I don't think.

We have no way
to play these.

I don't think we
have any way to
play these.

Was "chucha-cabbage"
aware of this?

That's my guy.
He sent me in.

Oh, poop on
a pogo stick.
He's passed away.

I feel like there might
have been a note on
my desk about this

That I skimmed. And
oh, boy, oh, boy, does
it burn me up inside.

I'm so mad right now.

I'm so mad that I
might have accidentally
skimmed that note

That I'm gonna make
this up to you, OK?

I am gonna take you...
to Sizzler.

How do you like
that? You and me.

Sizzler?
Yeah.

All I can eat?
All you can eat.

I wouldn't be
surprised if we got
you a commendation.

Nice work.
Ow.

Nice work taking
down the ants.

Shit.

We'll talk to you soon.
We'll talk this
week, right?

You and me are
going to Sizzler, and
we're gonna work this out.

You call me.

I certainly will.

[Engine revs]

Hey, this is Dangle.
We have a crazed
drifter on Matthews,

About 6'4", brown hair,
mustache, uh, about
185 pounds on 80.

He is armed and
extremely dangerous.

Uh, shoot to kill.
If you get a shot, take it.

I have been to a key party,
but it wasn't as amazing as
everybody talks about.

I showed up at this party,
and this Mexican guy was, like,

"Can I have your key?
And I gave him my key,
he drove my car away,

I went to the party, I came
back, he came back up,

Gave me my car, and handed
me my key back.

I think you
misunderstand what
a key party is.

No fingering, no making
out, no nothing.
I was barely turned on.

Hey, unborn baby.
It's your dad Craig.

By now I've been lethally
injected with something

And I'm in
the ground rotting,

So I thought I'd take
this time to let you know

That your old dad was
pretty good at some stuff.

Two things--Murder
and magic.

Magic's a great way
to make new friends.

Let me show you
a few tricks.

Hey, T-bone, what's that
behind--Oh, shit ah!

Oh! Look at
that big fella.

Don't let--Daddy's fine.
Daddy's fine.

You done messed up.
You done messed up.

Turn the tape off.

White people
are so weird.

I can hear you.
We also have
excellent hearing.

Replay that part
where he's getting
raped in the corner.

Appraiser on TV:
part of Virginia's history
was Nathaniel Bedford forest.

He led forces against lee
in the campaign,

Eventually succeeding
in Gettysburg
over general lee.

Uh, do you know anything
about the value of
this particular sword?

Man: oh, jeez.
I don't know.

A friend of mine
offered me--

He said, "I'll give
you $20 for it."

Appraiser: $20
for this sword?

Man: I don't know.

Appraiser: I think
the serious...

Who knew?
Shh.

Would pay you for the sword
upwards of 70, $75,000.

All: wow.

Appraiser: it's
in terrific shape...

Williams:
can you believe that?

Who knew?
You never know.
You never know.

Look at the smile
on that face, huh?

Hmm.

[Rock music
playing on radio]

[Rock music
playing on radio]

Aah!

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.
Ah. Ah! Fuck.

Ah! Uh! Uh. Uh.

Let's roll.
Aah! Gaah! Gaah! Uh!

[Tires screech]

So, listen, you guys,
when do y'all think Reuben
is gonna show up?

Does he roll in
right about now?

Woman: Reuben died
a couple of years ago.
You didn't know that?

Are you kidding?

I thought you, uh, were
good friends with him.

Don't tell me
you're cops.

Are you cops?

Yeah.

We are.

Stay for the orgy.

Please, don't
worry about it.

Stay for the orgy.
Don't worry about it.

You're already lubricated.
Just stay.

You missed a stop sign
back there, boy.

No, don't do it. Don't you
do it. Don't--Don't even
think about it.

Do not even think
about it. Freeze!

[Ice cream truck
music playing]

Freeze!
Sheriff's department!

You stop that
ice cream truck!

Freeze! Freeze!

Sheriff's department!

[Tire blows]

Hey, no cuts.

[Junior breathing heavily]

Can I get, uh, license
and registration
and two bomb pops?

Thank you.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Ah!

Ah.
Whose keys?

I did it! OK, look.
Whose keys are these?

Whose is it?

Ooh.

Those are my keys.

Seriously?

There you go,
huh? Right?

We...

Yeah. You get to
do it. OK, now.

On the floor now.
On the floor right here.

No, right
on the floor.

Right here.
Down here. Go.

Get my glasses.
Yeah, right on
the floor.

Yeah. Drop.
Everybody drop.

Let's go. We're
gonna watch. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah.
Come on.

Where are my--
Where's my
heart medica--

Oh, I got it.
I got to get them, too.

Come on.
That's it.

All right, here it is.

There you go.

Jones: all right.
Here we go.

Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

Basically we
fucked in front of

A bunch
of white people.

Raineesha:
old white people.

Jones:
I mean, that's
the kind of stuff

They used to do
in slavery time.

They'd watch black
people mate.

Raineesha: you had
a flashback?

An ancestral
flashback?

Come on, Kunta.
Spit it out.

Jones:
well, I feel like
I should feel,

Like, a lot
worse about it,

But actually I
don't feel that bad.