Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 12 - Viacom Grinch - full transcript
Deputies are sent on a special assignment to crack down on illegal, knock off toys and party favors, ruining kids' parties all over Reno. Guest starring Human Giant.
Dangle: good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
I can't tell you how
pleased I am to be here
Making this
mandatory public apology.
49 years ago,
The Reno sheriff's department
made a humdinger of a goof.
Bob Heron here
was wrongfully convicted
As the dumpster rapist.
So it is my pleasure to
present to you Mr. Bob Heron--
Not the dumpster rapist
at all--Just a guy,
Just a guy who spent
49 years in jail.
Mr. Bob Heron, everybody.
Yeah! Not a rapist.
Not a rapist
Jones:
our bad.
Junior: our bad.
Bobby?
Aah!
Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh!
[Coughs]
They all have guns!
Woo-Hoo!
Ow!
Push 'em.
Push 'em together?
Sheriff's department.
I need your bike!
Oh, god!
[Sirens approaching]
[Fires two shots,
empty gun clicks]
Uh! Uh!
Boss, boss, you're over
the line.
Aah!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Good morning, everybody.
Weigel: good morning.
Dangle: hey! Terrific news.
Uh, let's all
congratulate him.
Jack Declan has completed
his 16 hours of mandatory
anger management training.
[Scattered applause]
Declan: can I
tell you something?
If you ever end up having
to deal with those fucking
numb-nut fuckknobs,
All you got to do is just
play it fucking poker-faced.
You don't owe them a smile.
You don't owe them a hug.
All you got to do is
fucking keep it neutral.
And they'll let you walk
out the fucking door,
And then do whatever
the fucking fuck you want. Uh!
Money well spent.
Williams: should we not
bring out the cake?
Because we had a whole cake
and the whole thing.
Dangle: no. Fuck the cake.
Fuck the cake.
As you know, we've been
threatened with a lawsuit
by Viacom international
If we do not enforce
their copyrights.
Their claim is--And they're
filing this in many states--
That local law enforcement
is not doing enough
to enforce copyrights
On their copyrighted
characters.
I'm taking about your
"Spongebob Squarepants,"
your "Dora the explorers."
Jones: what?
Junior: like your
DVD collection
of that smurf porn
And "little mermaid"
porn and--
Dangle: ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah.
That's completely
different.
We're talking about
merchandise.
I have a little Black
Sambo potholder collection.
Are they gonna freak out
about that?
Dangle: Viacom?
Yeah.
Highly unlikely. Or did
you mean the black people
At the end of the table
are gonna freak out?
Weigel: anybody? Is
anyone gonna freak out?
I think there's a very
solid chance these
guys might freak out.
I'm afraid to
look over there.
Don't look over there.
You seem pretty tense
a lot of the time.
Did something happen
to you in that time that
you were in Chicago?
That's where you were,
right? Chicago, right?
Uh-Huh.
Something happen
or something?
It was a concentrated
time of a lot of
high-stakes situations
That ended me up...
They call it post-traumatic
stress syndrome.
Mm-Hmm. OK.
But you're telling
me you're fine.
Oh, I'd love to hear
you say it out loud.
There's a lot of
gangs in Reno--
Two main gangs--
The 15th street
gang and the Kings.
And they like to
tag their walls with
these awful graffiti.
'Cause they don't got
a damn thing else to do.
Yeah. So we get,
about once a month,
Make our shit-Hole
look like
A little bit less of
a shit-hole.
Damn those Kings.
[Gunshots]
[Tires screech]
Oh, god.
Was that the--
You think that was
the 15th street gang?
Sorry! We
weren't think--
We're gonna
put it back!
OK. There we go.
No problem.
[Gunshots]
Aah!
Get down,
Williams!
That must have been
the Kings.
Holla back.
All up in the house,
the Kings.
You're my favorite
gang. All right. What
color--Aah! Aah!
[Gunshots]
Aah!
Aah!
I think that was my
damn mama in that car.
Declan: I'm getting
too old for this shit.
Reno sheriff's department.
Sheriff's
department.
Man: hey, what are
you guys doing?
We are going door
to door, confiscating
unlicensed merchandise.
This is a kids'
party, officers.
Declan: sorry. It's also
copyright infringement.
This right here is
not "Dora the explorer."
That is "Dora
the exploited."
Well, how was I
supposed to know...
This is not a real
Spongebob here. Did you
notice that?
I got these at--
Declan: do you want
a hint? Do you want
a hint next time?
Mexicans don't have green
eyes. You notice that?
Man: ah, no, no,
no. My sister-in-law
has green eyes.
Well, then she got
raped by an Irishman.
Yo, Declan!
I pay my taxes.
I cooperate with the law.
I don't care about
your taxes. It has nothing
to do with your taxes.
Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Uh-Uh!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, you nasty
little hooker! Come on!
Man: get them, kids!
Get them!
Declan: aah! Aah!
Son of a... aah!
Get in the car!
Get in the car!
[Kids yelling excitedly]
That was like
a Vietnam
movie, man.
[Man speaking Spanish]
Es the Chupacabra.
Kpba--Uno-Cero-Dos-
Punto-Cero.
Aqui is Spanish
radio station
number one in Reno.
We are here with the
Reno sheriff department
con los negros.
?que pasa, negros?
Que--Que paso. We are
here to ask the gangs--
The Latin gangs
and the black gangs--
To all come together
so that we can unify--
Unify?
Yeah, black
and brown, get down.
To the Spanish
people of Reno,
If you see a black
police officer,
They will give you
their guns para to
shoot the white man.
Oh, no!
No, Chupacabra.
We aren't gonna
shoot anything...
[Speaking Spanish]
Williams: no. Don't
start that. No, no, no.
Jones: I'm not so sure
that we want to--
We don't want to kill
the white people.
Williams: we don't--Anybody.
Ah, si. But we can
agree on one thing.
We can agree
on one thing.
Crush los gays.
Jones: no...
Williams: we do
not want...
That's all the time
we have on here
today. That's it.
No. Let's not do that.
All right.
That was great.
Thank you so much.
That was great.
Can I hug you?
Yes! Of course. Yes,
si. Can you feel it?
Rizzo: what's wrong?
Our brakes are out
in the car!
Your brakes are out?
OK, it's gonna be
just fine, all right?
What should we do?
The baby!
We got a baby
in the back
of the car!
There's a baby in
the car? OK. Everything's--
Just calm down.
Gina, I want you to
keep pumping those brakes.
OK, Lisa, you're
gonna pass the baby
to me, all right?
What?
I'm gonna wedge this
in the accelerator
so I can help you out.
Oh, god! OK.
All right, baby.
Here we go.
Oh, my god. Oh, god.
All right. I got it.
Got it! Got it! Got it!
Oh, god.
Oh, my god. You got
to be kidding me
with the cats.
Save him.
Oh, god.
OK.
Aah!
OK. OK.
Gina: oh, my god. It's
working. It's working.
I got it back!
It's working? OK, OK.
Let me just pull out this.
I'll pull out the baton.
Lisa: OK? OK.
Shit.
Shit! Shit! It's stuck!
What's stuck?
Rizzo: my baton's stuck.
We can't stop the car.
We're coming back over.
What?!
We're coming back over!
No! Oh, my god.
Rizzo: OK. We're
coming back over.
Lisa: give my cat back.
OK. Come on.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
OK. Here we go.
All right? Ready.
Okay.
Rizzo: God damn it.
Why, Rizzo?!
Go. Now, listen, listen,
I think there's
an airbag in there.
I think there's
an airbag on that side.
I'm sorry, bro.
Fuck you, grandpa.
I'm out of my mind on
crystal methamphetamine.
My libido has gone
completely haywire.
And I'm fixing on
raping you.
Please don't rape me.
I'm your grandpa!
Shut up! And take
a raping, grandpa.
Williams: mm mm mm. Another
crystal meth grandpa rapist,
Another horrible case of
senior abuse,
But one that's tragically
on the rise in Washoe county.
Even one senior citizen
crystal meth... rape is
Too many for our community.
And the number we had last year,
baby, it's unacceptable.
Now, if you or someone you know
witness a senior rape,
Do the right thing and
contact the Reno sheriff's
department immediately.
So, anyway, it turns
out that that stuff
for the crotch rot...
And the stuff
for the feet rot,
the same stuff.
No, the same powder?
You didn't know that?
Ah, drop it.
Don't freak out.
Junior:
drop the gun!
Declan: whoa! Whoa!
Drop the gun!
Don't wig out.
Hand over
the pi?'ata, Mike.
Hey, do not shoot!
That pi?'ata is mine. But--
Drop the gun!
Do not shoot the pi?'ata!
Do not shoot the pi?'ata!
You guys got--
You take that
gun off that
pi?'ata right now!
Drop the god damn gun.
Drop the gun!
OK, let's drop on
the count of 3! Here we go!
Let's count it
down together.
1...
All: 2... 3.
Big Mike: nah. Come on!
Drop the gun, Mike!
Drop the gun, Mike.
You weren't gonna drop it.
You weren't gonna
drop it, either.
I was, too. You
just didn't say 3.
Look...
Hey, Mike! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, look,
hey, don't freak out.
I've got my gum in there.
It's a gum gun.
God damn it.
Fucking retard.
It's a gum gun.
Give us your gun.
I'll fucking do it.
You'll do what?
Oh, I'll
do it.
Chew gum? What?!
What are you gonna
do? Chew gum?
Let a dude have
his gum gun. Let
the man have his gum gun!
You know what? I just
want to get out of here.
You stink. You live
in a garbage dump.
You're an idiot.
Oh, ho. I live in
a garbage dump?
Yeah, you live in
a garbage dump.
You call that
a garbage dump?
I call that
a garbage dump.
Well, I don't know
what it's like
Over in your crystal palace,
Mrs. Rockefeller...
Declan: you don't
call me Mrs!
Where you have 20
negro slaves working
for you night and day,
And a Filipino jockey.
[Coughs]
oh!
Weigel: so my husband
Craig was executed
By the state because he
was a serial killer.
And before he died, he
made these lovely videotapes
for our unborn son.
I'll let you guys see
the tapes. Kind of fun.
Dangle: this is not
normal white people stuff.
Craig: welcome, camper.
I'm your dad, Craig.
Weigel: aw.
You're probably wondering
why I'm not around.
It's because I killed
a bunch of people.
And then the state
caught me. And then
They're gonna
kill me, and that's why
you're not gonna see me.
Weigel: ha ha ha!
Declan: what's funny?
Nothing's funny.
Weigel: it's funny
'cause it's true.
And I'm not ignoring
you. I'm just dead.
Guess what today is.
It's your first birthday.
Happy birthday.
Aw.
Blow out your candles.
Awesome. You did
an awesome job.
If this is your second birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.
[Tape cueing]
Happy second birthday.
Blow out your candles.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your third birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.
Weigel: oh!
Declan: can we just--How
many birthdays does he do?
Happy third birthday.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your fourth birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.
Did you make baby
with this guy?
Weigel: yeah.
We sold it, though.
If this is your
40th birthday...
Dangle:
oh, wow.
Happy 40th birthday.
Blow out your candles...
If this is
your 106th birthday...
Happy 106th birthday.
Blow out your candles.
Awesome job.
You're probably dead by now.
But if you're not, you've
broken some kind of record.
So congratulations.
You did an awesome job.
Weigel: what a dad.
Dangle: who wants
a runchy?
Weigel: I'll have a runchy.
I didn't mean to say it
in a racist way, Cindy.
A runchy?
I don't mean to say this
in a racist way...
You know what I meant.
I meant luncheon.
But I rikey runchy.
Dangle: I said it
in a slightly...
I rikey runchy, too.
Ha ha! We all rikey
runchy. Let's do it.
Declan: don't
high-five them. They're
both insulting you.
No. It sounds great.
It's not insulting.
It's just talking
Like you in
a sing-song way,
like you talk.
Yeah.
It's not insulting.
I just a rikey to have
some a-runchy.
Yeah!
Dangle: but, seriously,
get us some
lunch, would you?
Weigel: yeah. Come back
with some lunch.
OK. I'll be
right back.
OK. Thanks.
And none of
that Chinese shit.
We're here at
the high school today
Just, you know, checking
the metal detector.
Keeping the school safe.
Hello. Good morning.
What time you, um,
want to go to the--
Hey, hey,
hey, honey.
Come back here.
You thought it was
a good idea to come
outside this morning
With all of this out?
You look like a whore.
You do. You do look
like a whore.
Mm-Hmm.
You do look like a filthy,
a filthy little whore.
There we go. What!
Hey, ooh.
That looks nice on you.
That looks nice on you.
Hi there, handsome.
Not handsome at all.
In fact, a sad,
homely, homely child.
Not handsome, but
appropriately dressed.
Huh?
But appropriately
dressed.
Whoa.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey.
Seriously?
Weigel: ho, ho.
And I do mean ho.
When you grow up and you
get a real job,
You're not gonna be able
to walk around with
your ta-tas hanging out
And your hoo-hoos
hanging out for
everybody to see, OK?
Sorry. I am grown up,
and I do have a real job.
Sure you do. You work
at strawberries
or the dress barn?
Oh, you grown!
You just
grown, huh?
No, I'm--I'm
the principal.
Oh.
Oh.
And a great
principal you are.
You know how I know?
The kids are terrific.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, they are.
Hang in there,
girl. I mean,
good job.
Good job.
Thank you.
And by the way,
I love your thong.
I would wear one, too,
but a huge thicket of pubes.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
Come on.
You kidding me?
Junior: not today.
Drop the ice-Cream
fliers!
Man: OK. Ho. Ha.
Hey, oh. OK.
Take off
the sponge.
I don't, uh--
Take it off.
Ooooooohhh!
What--What is that?
What is that?
What is that?
What are you doing?
I get frustrated.
When I get frustrated,
I--I experience--
No, no, no, no.
You don't get
cartoon frustrated
with me. Look...
You don't talk the
Spongebob acting.
Arresting Spongebob!
This is my job, OK?
And you're making
my job difficult.
Yup.
Now, I want to
go home tonight.
I want to relax
in front of some TV.
I want to whack it, and I
want to go to sleep early.
Man: if you
just wait--
Declan: but if you
give me a hard time,
I'm gonna think
all night about how I
wished I'd killed you.
Now, you take off
this fucking costume.
Sorry, kids.
Take off this frickin'
costume, kids.
Man: I can't believe you
guys are really--
Junior: it's not the
real Spongebob, kids.
Declan: yeah, don't
get freaked out. This is
just a bad man. Hey, hey.
Are those
officially licensed
batman underpants?
I pray to god.
No, you don't.
Take off the underpants.
Take off the underpants!
Take off the underpants.
Get out of the way!
I got a clean shot!
Take off
the underpants.
Move over! Travis,
move over!
Get him! All right.
Let me see those things.
You're good kids.
You eat that ice cream.
Junior: check
the girl's socks.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Don't hate the police.
Hate your parents.
[Clapping hands]
my name is Glen.
My name is Bill,
and who here
likes vacations?
I do.
Bill: but it's tough
to take vacation
When you only
have 5 days allotted
the entire year.
You know what?
We're gonna do
a little magic here.
What would you
say if we took
those 5 days...
We took those 5 days
and we--Abracadabra--
Made them 10 days!
Whoo! 10 days
of vacation time!
Weigel: wow.
Dangle: I'd say hell, yeah!
It can happen if you
believe in the program
we're talking about.
We're talking about
a program.
Who wants to book
a vacation? No one, right?
Glen: no!
Bill: who wants
to think about
where they're going?
Who wants to call up
a hotel, go on-line?
That sounds like a lot
of hassle to me.
Bill: it is.
Glen: exactly. It is
a lot of hassle,
but not anymore.
If you want 10 days,
all you have
to do is vacation
At one of 3 resorts
that we have
predetermined for you.
Declan: a resort like
a resort-resort?
Glen: it's a resort
in the greater Tampa
metropolitan area.
Man: wow.
Declan: fuck yeah.
Glen: and they are so nice.
How about a place
called Casa Laguna? Boom!
Casa Lagunas!
Weigel: I like the water.
Bill: it all takes
place right here, here,
and here in Tampa.
Declan: what
the hell is that?
Guys, it is so beautiful.
You got to see this place.
You are just a short
tram ride away
from the beach!
Yeah!
How could we possibly afford
this on a cop's salary?
Bill: well, that's
the thing.
What we do is we go
like this. Oh, oh, oh!
Boom!
Glen: what are we talking
about right here, guys?
Bill: we're talking
about Tupperware.
Glen: yeah.
All you got to do
is sell
Over $50 of
Tupperware to
3 to 5 friends.
For every week for
the next 6 months.
Dangle: easy, easy.
We can do that.
And then you will
qualify for the package.
Dangle: easy.
What was your favorite
time in your life?
When you had sleepovers
with your friends? Yeah!
Weigel: I love sleepovers.
Yeah!
Everybody all
together, right?
Officers: yeah!
Well, we are gonna
give you a bona fide
dorm room experience
Because you are
gonna be sharing
this condo
With up to 7
different people.
And the beauty of it,
you don't even know them,
so you make new friends.
Junior: that's good
people watching.
Glen: at the beach.
Bill: and I want
to talk about
security, too.
Every window has
bars on them.
Dangle: great.
You're protected.
You're not going
to have to worry
About your stuff
getting stolen.
Great.
Glen: and if you're afraid
of other things that
might happen at the beach,
Such as shark attacks,
did you know
That the occurrence
of a shark attack,
The odds of that happening
are so minuscule to
almost be negligible?
Dangle: it's
so "negativeable,"
It makes me wonder why
you even brought it up.
Well, we have to
bring it up by law.
So we get 10 nights,
at an all inclusive resort,
Two rides on the tram,
a job, mandatory lectures,
And all we have to do
is sell $12,000 worth
of Tupperware!
Exactly!
Exactly!
Declan: I'm going to
the Tampa area!
Yeah!
We need an investment from
you for the Tupperware.
So you're gonna put
some money out.
Great.
And then you're gonna
get your money back...
Dangle: it takes money
to make money. Am I right?
Come outside to our van.
And we are gonna give
you some Tupperware!
All:
Tupperware! Tupperware!
Tupperware! Tupperware!
Declan: we can
just throw all this
stuff off here?
I feel like
a crap sandwich.
Junior: how do you mean?
I didn't get into law
enforcement to make
a bunch of kids miserable.
I got into
law enforcement for
the outside possibility
I'd get to shoot a man
and get away with it
through self-fefense.
I've always felt like
I was the wrathful
hand of god.
Today I felt like
I was the devil clawing
up from hell
And stealing
happiness from children.
[Music playing in distance]
Listen.
You hear that?
It sounds like a party.
It sounds like
quincea?'era music,
birthday party.
How can they be celebrating?
I saw them all crying and
screaming and begging.
I even stole
a little girl's
Spongebob leggings.
How can they be
celebrating?
They're down
there celebrating
without pi?'atas.
But they shouldn't
have to.
You know what?
I thought
I'd never say this.
But fuck Johnny Law.
Whoo! Let's run some
red lights. Whoo.
Hey!
Today's on us.
Free almost-genuine
Spongebobs!
You got a kid?
Everybody loves
Spongebob. This is
kind of like Spongebob.
Ha ha!
Junior: absolutely free.
All this can--
Whoa. Jesus.
Man: hold it. Hold it.
You're under arrest
For copyright infringement.
Get away from the car.
All right, all right,
all right, all right...
Do it. Go,
go, go.
Oh, ow, ow.
Boy, your car's
pretty hot...
Push my head down.
I hit my head, I'm
gonna fucking kill you.
You do not fuck
with Viacom.
Yes, sir.
Over there.
Ow!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Chupacabra:
do you guys
like menudo?
Woman:
live together.
Jones: um, sure.
Yeah. We like...
Woman: menudo?
They know menudo?
Jones: we like
menudo.
Chupacabra:
what about manu-re?
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft...
Woman: we could
have a condo.
Williams: no.
Ch-Ch-Chupacabra?
Jones: what are
you--What is that?
Chupacabra:
that's manu-re!
Menudo is
the new manure.
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft...
Woman:
will you stop?
Chupacabra:
uh-Oh!
[Silly voice]
waah! Perdoname.
That was the baby in
the radio station!
ladies and gentlemen.
I can't tell you how
pleased I am to be here
Making this
mandatory public apology.
49 years ago,
The Reno sheriff's department
made a humdinger of a goof.
Bob Heron here
was wrongfully convicted
As the dumpster rapist.
So it is my pleasure to
present to you Mr. Bob Heron--
Not the dumpster rapist
at all--Just a guy,
Just a guy who spent
49 years in jail.
Mr. Bob Heron, everybody.
Yeah! Not a rapist.
Not a rapist
Jones:
our bad.
Junior: our bad.
Bobby?
Aah!
Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh!
[Coughs]
They all have guns!
Woo-Hoo!
Ow!
Push 'em.
Push 'em together?
Sheriff's department.
I need your bike!
Oh, god!
[Sirens approaching]
[Fires two shots,
empty gun clicks]
Uh! Uh!
Boss, boss, you're over
the line.
Aah!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Good morning, everybody.
Weigel: good morning.
Dangle: hey! Terrific news.
Uh, let's all
congratulate him.
Jack Declan has completed
his 16 hours of mandatory
anger management training.
[Scattered applause]
Declan: can I
tell you something?
If you ever end up having
to deal with those fucking
numb-nut fuckknobs,
All you got to do is just
play it fucking poker-faced.
You don't owe them a smile.
You don't owe them a hug.
All you got to do is
fucking keep it neutral.
And they'll let you walk
out the fucking door,
And then do whatever
the fucking fuck you want. Uh!
Money well spent.
Williams: should we not
bring out the cake?
Because we had a whole cake
and the whole thing.
Dangle: no. Fuck the cake.
Fuck the cake.
As you know, we've been
threatened with a lawsuit
by Viacom international
If we do not enforce
their copyrights.
Their claim is--And they're
filing this in many states--
That local law enforcement
is not doing enough
to enforce copyrights
On their copyrighted
characters.
I'm taking about your
"Spongebob Squarepants,"
your "Dora the explorers."
Jones: what?
Junior: like your
DVD collection
of that smurf porn
And "little mermaid"
porn and--
Dangle: ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah.
That's completely
different.
We're talking about
merchandise.
I have a little Black
Sambo potholder collection.
Are they gonna freak out
about that?
Dangle: Viacom?
Yeah.
Highly unlikely. Or did
you mean the black people
At the end of the table
are gonna freak out?
Weigel: anybody? Is
anyone gonna freak out?
I think there's a very
solid chance these
guys might freak out.
I'm afraid to
look over there.
Don't look over there.
You seem pretty tense
a lot of the time.
Did something happen
to you in that time that
you were in Chicago?
That's where you were,
right? Chicago, right?
Uh-Huh.
Something happen
or something?
It was a concentrated
time of a lot of
high-stakes situations
That ended me up...
They call it post-traumatic
stress syndrome.
Mm-Hmm. OK.
But you're telling
me you're fine.
Oh, I'd love to hear
you say it out loud.
There's a lot of
gangs in Reno--
Two main gangs--
The 15th street
gang and the Kings.
And they like to
tag their walls with
these awful graffiti.
'Cause they don't got
a damn thing else to do.
Yeah. So we get,
about once a month,
Make our shit-Hole
look like
A little bit less of
a shit-hole.
Damn those Kings.
[Gunshots]
[Tires screech]
Oh, god.
Was that the--
You think that was
the 15th street gang?
Sorry! We
weren't think--
We're gonna
put it back!
OK. There we go.
No problem.
[Gunshots]
Aah!
Get down,
Williams!
That must have been
the Kings.
Holla back.
All up in the house,
the Kings.
You're my favorite
gang. All right. What
color--Aah! Aah!
[Gunshots]
Aah!
Aah!
I think that was my
damn mama in that car.
Declan: I'm getting
too old for this shit.
Reno sheriff's department.
Sheriff's
department.
Man: hey, what are
you guys doing?
We are going door
to door, confiscating
unlicensed merchandise.
This is a kids'
party, officers.
Declan: sorry. It's also
copyright infringement.
This right here is
not "Dora the explorer."
That is "Dora
the exploited."
Well, how was I
supposed to know...
This is not a real
Spongebob here. Did you
notice that?
I got these at--
Declan: do you want
a hint? Do you want
a hint next time?
Mexicans don't have green
eyes. You notice that?
Man: ah, no, no,
no. My sister-in-law
has green eyes.
Well, then she got
raped by an Irishman.
Yo, Declan!
I pay my taxes.
I cooperate with the law.
I don't care about
your taxes. It has nothing
to do with your taxes.
Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Uh-Uh!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, you nasty
little hooker! Come on!
Man: get them, kids!
Get them!
Declan: aah! Aah!
Son of a... aah!
Get in the car!
Get in the car!
[Kids yelling excitedly]
That was like
a Vietnam
movie, man.
[Man speaking Spanish]
Es the Chupacabra.
Kpba--Uno-Cero-Dos-
Punto-Cero.
Aqui is Spanish
radio station
number one in Reno.
We are here with the
Reno sheriff department
con los negros.
?que pasa, negros?
Que--Que paso. We are
here to ask the gangs--
The Latin gangs
and the black gangs--
To all come together
so that we can unify--
Unify?
Yeah, black
and brown, get down.
To the Spanish
people of Reno,
If you see a black
police officer,
They will give you
their guns para to
shoot the white man.
Oh, no!
No, Chupacabra.
We aren't gonna
shoot anything...
[Speaking Spanish]
Williams: no. Don't
start that. No, no, no.
Jones: I'm not so sure
that we want to--
We don't want to kill
the white people.
Williams: we don't--Anybody.
Ah, si. But we can
agree on one thing.
We can agree
on one thing.
Crush los gays.
Jones: no...
Williams: we do
not want...
That's all the time
we have on here
today. That's it.
No. Let's not do that.
All right.
That was great.
Thank you so much.
That was great.
Can I hug you?
Yes! Of course. Yes,
si. Can you feel it?
Rizzo: what's wrong?
Our brakes are out
in the car!
Your brakes are out?
OK, it's gonna be
just fine, all right?
What should we do?
The baby!
We got a baby
in the back
of the car!
There's a baby in
the car? OK. Everything's--
Just calm down.
Gina, I want you to
keep pumping those brakes.
OK, Lisa, you're
gonna pass the baby
to me, all right?
What?
I'm gonna wedge this
in the accelerator
so I can help you out.
Oh, god! OK.
All right, baby.
Here we go.
Oh, my god. Oh, god.
All right. I got it.
Got it! Got it! Got it!
Oh, god.
Oh, my god. You got
to be kidding me
with the cats.
Save him.
Oh, god.
OK.
Aah!
OK. OK.
Gina: oh, my god. It's
working. It's working.
I got it back!
It's working? OK, OK.
Let me just pull out this.
I'll pull out the baton.
Lisa: OK? OK.
Shit.
Shit! Shit! It's stuck!
What's stuck?
Rizzo: my baton's stuck.
We can't stop the car.
We're coming back over.
What?!
We're coming back over!
No! Oh, my god.
Rizzo: OK. We're
coming back over.
Lisa: give my cat back.
OK. Come on.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
OK. Here we go.
All right? Ready.
Okay.
Rizzo: God damn it.
Why, Rizzo?!
Go. Now, listen, listen,
I think there's
an airbag in there.
I think there's
an airbag on that side.
I'm sorry, bro.
Fuck you, grandpa.
I'm out of my mind on
crystal methamphetamine.
My libido has gone
completely haywire.
And I'm fixing on
raping you.
Please don't rape me.
I'm your grandpa!
Shut up! And take
a raping, grandpa.
Williams: mm mm mm. Another
crystal meth grandpa rapist,
Another horrible case of
senior abuse,
But one that's tragically
on the rise in Washoe county.
Even one senior citizen
crystal meth... rape is
Too many for our community.
And the number we had last year,
baby, it's unacceptable.
Now, if you or someone you know
witness a senior rape,
Do the right thing and
contact the Reno sheriff's
department immediately.
So, anyway, it turns
out that that stuff
for the crotch rot...
And the stuff
for the feet rot,
the same stuff.
No, the same powder?
You didn't know that?
Ah, drop it.
Don't freak out.
Junior:
drop the gun!
Declan: whoa! Whoa!
Drop the gun!
Don't wig out.
Hand over
the pi?'ata, Mike.
Hey, do not shoot!
That pi?'ata is mine. But--
Drop the gun!
Do not shoot the pi?'ata!
Do not shoot the pi?'ata!
You guys got--
You take that
gun off that
pi?'ata right now!
Drop the god damn gun.
Drop the gun!
OK, let's drop on
the count of 3! Here we go!
Let's count it
down together.
1...
All: 2... 3.
Big Mike: nah. Come on!
Drop the gun, Mike!
Drop the gun, Mike.
You weren't gonna drop it.
You weren't gonna
drop it, either.
I was, too. You
just didn't say 3.
Look...
Hey, Mike! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, look,
hey, don't freak out.
I've got my gum in there.
It's a gum gun.
God damn it.
Fucking retard.
It's a gum gun.
Give us your gun.
I'll fucking do it.
You'll do what?
Oh, I'll
do it.
Chew gum? What?!
What are you gonna
do? Chew gum?
Let a dude have
his gum gun. Let
the man have his gum gun!
You know what? I just
want to get out of here.
You stink. You live
in a garbage dump.
You're an idiot.
Oh, ho. I live in
a garbage dump?
Yeah, you live in
a garbage dump.
You call that
a garbage dump?
I call that
a garbage dump.
Well, I don't know
what it's like
Over in your crystal palace,
Mrs. Rockefeller...
Declan: you don't
call me Mrs!
Where you have 20
negro slaves working
for you night and day,
And a Filipino jockey.
[Coughs]
oh!
Weigel: so my husband
Craig was executed
By the state because he
was a serial killer.
And before he died, he
made these lovely videotapes
for our unborn son.
I'll let you guys see
the tapes. Kind of fun.
Dangle: this is not
normal white people stuff.
Craig: welcome, camper.
I'm your dad, Craig.
Weigel: aw.
You're probably wondering
why I'm not around.
It's because I killed
a bunch of people.
And then the state
caught me. And then
They're gonna
kill me, and that's why
you're not gonna see me.
Weigel: ha ha ha!
Declan: what's funny?
Nothing's funny.
Weigel: it's funny
'cause it's true.
And I'm not ignoring
you. I'm just dead.
Guess what today is.
It's your first birthday.
Happy birthday.
Aw.
Blow out your candles.
Awesome. You did
an awesome job.
If this is your second birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.
[Tape cueing]
Happy second birthday.
Blow out your candles.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your third birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.
Weigel: oh!
Declan: can we just--How
many birthdays does he do?
Happy third birthday.
You did an awesome job.
If this is your fourth birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.
Did you make baby
with this guy?
Weigel: yeah.
We sold it, though.
If this is your
40th birthday...
Dangle:
oh, wow.
Happy 40th birthday.
Blow out your candles...
If this is
your 106th birthday...
Happy 106th birthday.
Blow out your candles.
Awesome job.
You're probably dead by now.
But if you're not, you've
broken some kind of record.
So congratulations.
You did an awesome job.
Weigel: what a dad.
Dangle: who wants
a runchy?
Weigel: I'll have a runchy.
I didn't mean to say it
in a racist way, Cindy.
A runchy?
I don't mean to say this
in a racist way...
You know what I meant.
I meant luncheon.
But I rikey runchy.
Dangle: I said it
in a slightly...
I rikey runchy, too.
Ha ha! We all rikey
runchy. Let's do it.
Declan: don't
high-five them. They're
both insulting you.
No. It sounds great.
It's not insulting.
It's just talking
Like you in
a sing-song way,
like you talk.
Yeah.
It's not insulting.
I just a rikey to have
some a-runchy.
Yeah!
Dangle: but, seriously,
get us some
lunch, would you?
Weigel: yeah. Come back
with some lunch.
OK. I'll be
right back.
OK. Thanks.
And none of
that Chinese shit.
We're here at
the high school today
Just, you know, checking
the metal detector.
Keeping the school safe.
Hello. Good morning.
What time you, um,
want to go to the--
Hey, hey,
hey, honey.
Come back here.
You thought it was
a good idea to come
outside this morning
With all of this out?
You look like a whore.
You do. You do look
like a whore.
Mm-Hmm.
You do look like a filthy,
a filthy little whore.
There we go. What!
Hey, ooh.
That looks nice on you.
That looks nice on you.
Hi there, handsome.
Not handsome at all.
In fact, a sad,
homely, homely child.
Not handsome, but
appropriately dressed.
Huh?
But appropriately
dressed.
Whoa.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey.
Seriously?
Weigel: ho, ho.
And I do mean ho.
When you grow up and you
get a real job,
You're not gonna be able
to walk around with
your ta-tas hanging out
And your hoo-hoos
hanging out for
everybody to see, OK?
Sorry. I am grown up,
and I do have a real job.
Sure you do. You work
at strawberries
or the dress barn?
Oh, you grown!
You just
grown, huh?
No, I'm--I'm
the principal.
Oh.
Oh.
And a great
principal you are.
You know how I know?
The kids are terrific.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, they are.
Hang in there,
girl. I mean,
good job.
Good job.
Thank you.
And by the way,
I love your thong.
I would wear one, too,
but a huge thicket of pubes.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
Come on.
You kidding me?
Junior: not today.
Drop the ice-Cream
fliers!
Man: OK. Ho. Ha.
Hey, oh. OK.
Take off
the sponge.
I don't, uh--
Take it off.
Ooooooohhh!
What--What is that?
What is that?
What is that?
What are you doing?
I get frustrated.
When I get frustrated,
I--I experience--
No, no, no, no.
You don't get
cartoon frustrated
with me. Look...
You don't talk the
Spongebob acting.
Arresting Spongebob!
This is my job, OK?
And you're making
my job difficult.
Yup.
Now, I want to
go home tonight.
I want to relax
in front of some TV.
I want to whack it, and I
want to go to sleep early.
Man: if you
just wait--
Declan: but if you
give me a hard time,
I'm gonna think
all night about how I
wished I'd killed you.
Now, you take off
this fucking costume.
Sorry, kids.
Take off this frickin'
costume, kids.
Man: I can't believe you
guys are really--
Junior: it's not the
real Spongebob, kids.
Declan: yeah, don't
get freaked out. This is
just a bad man. Hey, hey.
Are those
officially licensed
batman underpants?
I pray to god.
No, you don't.
Take off the underpants.
Take off the underpants!
Take off the underpants.
Get out of the way!
I got a clean shot!
Take off
the underpants.
Move over! Travis,
move over!
Get him! All right.
Let me see those things.
You're good kids.
You eat that ice cream.
Junior: check
the girl's socks.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Don't hate the police.
Hate your parents.
[Clapping hands]
my name is Glen.
My name is Bill,
and who here
likes vacations?
I do.
Bill: but it's tough
to take vacation
When you only
have 5 days allotted
the entire year.
You know what?
We're gonna do
a little magic here.
What would you
say if we took
those 5 days...
We took those 5 days
and we--Abracadabra--
Made them 10 days!
Whoo! 10 days
of vacation time!
Weigel: wow.
Dangle: I'd say hell, yeah!
It can happen if you
believe in the program
we're talking about.
We're talking about
a program.
Who wants to book
a vacation? No one, right?
Glen: no!
Bill: who wants
to think about
where they're going?
Who wants to call up
a hotel, go on-line?
That sounds like a lot
of hassle to me.
Bill: it is.
Glen: exactly. It is
a lot of hassle,
but not anymore.
If you want 10 days,
all you have
to do is vacation
At one of 3 resorts
that we have
predetermined for you.
Declan: a resort like
a resort-resort?
Glen: it's a resort
in the greater Tampa
metropolitan area.
Man: wow.
Declan: fuck yeah.
Glen: and they are so nice.
How about a place
called Casa Laguna? Boom!
Casa Lagunas!
Weigel: I like the water.
Bill: it all takes
place right here, here,
and here in Tampa.
Declan: what
the hell is that?
Guys, it is so beautiful.
You got to see this place.
You are just a short
tram ride away
from the beach!
Yeah!
How could we possibly afford
this on a cop's salary?
Bill: well, that's
the thing.
What we do is we go
like this. Oh, oh, oh!
Boom!
Glen: what are we talking
about right here, guys?
Bill: we're talking
about Tupperware.
Glen: yeah.
All you got to do
is sell
Over $50 of
Tupperware to
3 to 5 friends.
For every week for
the next 6 months.
Dangle: easy, easy.
We can do that.
And then you will
qualify for the package.
Dangle: easy.
What was your favorite
time in your life?
When you had sleepovers
with your friends? Yeah!
Weigel: I love sleepovers.
Yeah!
Everybody all
together, right?
Officers: yeah!
Well, we are gonna
give you a bona fide
dorm room experience
Because you are
gonna be sharing
this condo
With up to 7
different people.
And the beauty of it,
you don't even know them,
so you make new friends.
Junior: that's good
people watching.
Glen: at the beach.
Bill: and I want
to talk about
security, too.
Every window has
bars on them.
Dangle: great.
You're protected.
You're not going
to have to worry
About your stuff
getting stolen.
Great.
Glen: and if you're afraid
of other things that
might happen at the beach,
Such as shark attacks,
did you know
That the occurrence
of a shark attack,
The odds of that happening
are so minuscule to
almost be negligible?
Dangle: it's
so "negativeable,"
It makes me wonder why
you even brought it up.
Well, we have to
bring it up by law.
So we get 10 nights,
at an all inclusive resort,
Two rides on the tram,
a job, mandatory lectures,
And all we have to do
is sell $12,000 worth
of Tupperware!
Exactly!
Exactly!
Declan: I'm going to
the Tampa area!
Yeah!
We need an investment from
you for the Tupperware.
So you're gonna put
some money out.
Great.
And then you're gonna
get your money back...
Dangle: it takes money
to make money. Am I right?
Come outside to our van.
And we are gonna give
you some Tupperware!
All:
Tupperware! Tupperware!
Tupperware! Tupperware!
Declan: we can
just throw all this
stuff off here?
I feel like
a crap sandwich.
Junior: how do you mean?
I didn't get into law
enforcement to make
a bunch of kids miserable.
I got into
law enforcement for
the outside possibility
I'd get to shoot a man
and get away with it
through self-fefense.
I've always felt like
I was the wrathful
hand of god.
Today I felt like
I was the devil clawing
up from hell
And stealing
happiness from children.
[Music playing in distance]
Listen.
You hear that?
It sounds like a party.
It sounds like
quincea?'era music,
birthday party.
How can they be celebrating?
I saw them all crying and
screaming and begging.
I even stole
a little girl's
Spongebob leggings.
How can they be
celebrating?
They're down
there celebrating
without pi?'atas.
But they shouldn't
have to.
You know what?
I thought
I'd never say this.
But fuck Johnny Law.
Whoo! Let's run some
red lights. Whoo.
Hey!
Today's on us.
Free almost-genuine
Spongebobs!
You got a kid?
Everybody loves
Spongebob. This is
kind of like Spongebob.
Ha ha!
Junior: absolutely free.
All this can--
Whoa. Jesus.
Man: hold it. Hold it.
You're under arrest
For copyright infringement.
Get away from the car.
All right, all right,
all right, all right...
Do it. Go,
go, go.
Oh, ow, ow.
Boy, your car's
pretty hot...
Push my head down.
I hit my head, I'm
gonna fucking kill you.
You do not fuck
with Viacom.
Yes, sir.
Over there.
Ow!
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Chupacabra:
do you guys
like menudo?
Woman:
live together.
Jones: um, sure.
Yeah. We like...
Woman: menudo?
They know menudo?
Jones: we like
menudo.
Chupacabra:
what about manu-re?
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft...
Woman: we could
have a condo.
Williams: no.
Ch-Ch-Chupacabra?
Jones: what are
you--What is that?
Chupacabra:
that's manu-re!
Menudo is
the new manure.
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft...
Woman:
will you stop?
Chupacabra:
uh-Oh!
[Silly voice]
waah! Perdoname.
That was the baby in
the radio station!