Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 11 - Deputy Dance - full transcript

Junior:
you know, it is estimated
that the American workforce

Has lost 80% to 87%
of its productivity

After the invention
of the Internet.

Thank you, Al Gore.

It ain't exactly
googling recipes, either.

What they're doing is,
they're googling porn.

We at the Reno
sheriff's department

Have safe search embedded
into each of our computers,

But you can get around that.

What you got to do is, you got
to break into the matrix.

Most computers intimidate people



Because you think they're
too complicated,

But they're no more complicated
than the human brain

Or a '72 Chevy engine.

All right. Release the porn.

Let's go, Joe. Let's go, Joe.

Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!

They all have guns!

Whoo hoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Sheriff's department
off your bike.

Oh! God!

[Click click click]

Man: â♪ I want some
linoleum floors â♪



Â♪ you want
some linoleum floors â♪

Â♪ who wants linoleum floors? Â♪

Â♪ everybody wants
linoleum floors â♪

Â♪ tiles, parquet â♪

Â♪ hardwood? OK â♪

Â♪ bathrooms, kitchens â♪

Â♪ hallways, bitchin' â♪

Â♪ linoleum, linoleum â♪

Â♪ we got linoleum floors â♪

Â♪ dance party â♪

Oh, I love that.

That's my favorite
commercial.

Dangle: what would you say
if I told you

We have just hired
the linoleum floor guy

To do our new
recruitment commercial?

What?
We got him?

I would call you
a fucking liar.

We got
the linoleum guy?

Will we
get to meet him?

Dangle: get to meet him,
have to meet him.

First off, he has a name.
His name is Levon French.

He says he can do it
for the $8,000.

He wants interviews
with everybody.

He's gonna shoot some footage
with all of us.

Â♪ who wants
linoleum floors? Â♪

Â♪ I want
linoleum floors â♪

Â♪ you want
linoleum floors â♪

Â♪ tile, parquet â♪

Â♪ hardwood? Â♪
â♪ OK! Â♪

Jones: did you
speak to him?
Of course.

Yeah?
Yeah.

What does his voice
sound like?

He's, well--

He's very well-spoken...

You know,
for a black guy,
and then he's--

By the way, Jim,
do I speak clearly

And--And--Clearly
as--For a black man?

Often, but not right then.
That was a bad example.
Go again.

I was gonna
be offended,
but you're right.

You got me
on that one.
That was bad.

The old Jeffers shack
was never haunted,

Never haunted at all.

Old man Jeffers just wanted
everybody to think
it was haunted

So he could make
crystal meth in it,

But don't you worry.

Thanks to you guys,
old man Jeffers

Is going to jail
for a very, very
long time.

I would've gotten
away with it, too,

If it wasn't for you
fucking kids!

Hey, hey,
hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.

I'm gonna kill you kids.
You're so fucking dead.

I'm gonna find
where you live.

I'm gonna come
to your fucking house.

I'm gonna kill your families.
I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna cut
your parents' faces off
while you're still alive.

Then I'm gonna skull fuck you
to the music of their anguish.

You fucking kids, you.

You, I'm gonna cut
a cock size hole

In your chest
and fuck your heart.

I'm gonna kill everyone
who ever knew you.

I don't care if I have to get
every man, woman, and child
in Storey county!

OK. This is
Washoe county,
by the way.

It's Storey county!

Oh, crap, are we
in Storey county?

This is
Storey county?
Really?

Storey county.

The shack is in
Storey county?

Yes. This is Storey county.
Look at a fucking map.

Where does this
become Storey county,
after the 40?

After the 40.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, boy.

This is not our
jurisdiction.

Yikes. Wow. That
was so our bad.

Old man Jeffers,
you are free to go.

Even grownups
make mistakes.

So sorry about that.
There you go, sir.

Sorry for troubling you.
Thanks, kids. Way to go.

Have a great
evening.

The 40 is that way?

You know,
Levon French

Has one of them
personalities

That's just
magnetic, you know?

I think there's
some actors

Who I could just watch
read the phone book,

Like Adrienne Barbeau
or Burt Reynolds,

You know, that
you're just sucked in,

And Levon French
is that kind of man.

Why did you pick only people
from "The Cannonball Run"?

Would you say
that Dom Deluise,

You could watch him read
the phone book, too?

Oh, yeah, dude,
if he could keep
a straight face.

I don't think he could,
old Dom Deluise.

Dangle: oh, smells like
show biz in here.

Smells like Cinnabon.

Well, because that's
right next door.

You would never,
ever know this was
in a strip mall.

Never would know.
Oh, my goodness, wow.

Hi. Very big fan.
Yes.

OK.
I don't know--OK.

We were
supposed to.

We were supposed to do that.
Very nice to meet you, ma'am.

Have a seat,
gentlemens.

That was only for
because you're a lady,

Not for any
other reason.

Mr. French...
we need your magic.

We need you to do...
what you did for linoleum.

We need to be
your linoleum now.
Mm.

That's a no
or a yes?
Mm. That's a mm.

OK, so we had discussed
on the phone,

For the recruitment video,
it's $8,000.

Let me just--

See, I don't do this
for the money, OK?

Oh. Yeah.
You see
what I'm saying?

I don't do this
to get paid.

I don't do this
to be famous.

I do this
out of love...

This is the best
news ever. Wow.

So--Katkat--
The thing,
though, is,

I need you
to trust me.

Oh, we do.
Mm mm mm mm!
Mm mm mm!

We don't.
We don't trust you.

We do not,
not at all, sir.
Trust me.

As soon as we can
get shooting--

We would love
to get shooting just
as soon as possible, and--

4:00. Yes.
Great.

Was I supposed to
kiss this the first time?

I'm honestly
not positive.
Trust.

That was a yes,
right?

Boy, I hope so.

This is the last
nice place in town, too.

Terry!
Sheriff's department.

Shh!
Sheriff's
department.

Don't shush us.
Don't you
shush us.

Don't shush us.
Don't you shush us.

Don't run. Don't flee.
Don't you flee.

Don't you flee
and don't shush us.
Shh!

Terry...
shh!

Who's been hosting
story time here?

Yes, and they love
that you do that as part
of community service.

It is so fun.
It is fun.

I think I'm addicted
to story time.

You're addicted
to storytelling?
"Addicted."

What an interesting
word to use,

Addicted
to telling stories.

So, you got a call.
Ring, ring.
Yes.

Oh, mime it out for us.
That's great.

You be me.
OK.

"Lieutenant Jim Dangle.
You be me.

"Sheriff's department."

[Deep voice]
it's me, Jim Dangle.
Great.

Here's the other end
of the phone.
This is very important.

Hello. This is Susan
from the library.

You know that
Terry Bernadino is down here
doing community service.

He was hosting
a story time.

He said he put up fliers
saying he was going to read
"Moby Dick" to the children.

Then it turned into
not a reading at all,

But more of a puppet show
that he was calling
"Moby Dick."

[Deep voice]
Terry would never do that.
He's my best friend.

Yes, he would.
He would do that.

No. That sounds
exactly like something
he would do.

Hold on.
Who's on the other line?

Terry? Terry, hi.
It's lieutenant Jim Dangle
from Reno sheriff's department.

I can't. I'm in the shower.
I'm gonna add in Jones.

Describe the puppet
show, Terry.

What was the reading
of "Moby Dick" like?

It's about a whale
or something,

And he's in the sea,
and stuff happens,
and the show is over.

Did you paint something
on yourself?

I painted some stuff.

What did you paint?

You know, my body.

You painted what
part of your body?

Let's all
hang up our phones.

Did you make a little
whale face on there?

Yeah. He did.
That's not even
a good wha--

It's not terrible.
No, no, no, no, no.

Watch the blowhole.
Nope.

Oh, god.
Time to go.
Time to go.

So, you got
your tubes tied.

Williams: yep.

That means you can have
sex without a condom.

Yep.
Yeah.

Let's see how you look
on camera over here.

We're just gonna get
a little bit of a camera
test, if you will.

You are trapped
inside of a cage.

I want you
to let her out.

Raar!
Yes. Let her out.

Now turn around
a little bit.

Turn around.
Turn around.
Raar!

All the way around. Yes.
Yes. Crawl. Yes.

You're swimming.
You're swimming
out of that cage.

Yes. Yes.
I'm swimming.
I'm swimming. Raar!

Katkat,
make sure you get
up and down.

Now stay turned around.
Stay turned around
that way.

Yes. Oh, yes.
Raar!

If you come
in my neighborhood
and smoke dope, you get--

All right. OK.
Oh, yeah? Ha ha ha!

Hot shot, right?
Speedy Gonzalez. Guess what.

He booked the wrong
mother fucker to
run away from

Because I'm in shape.

I'm in real good shape.

The only thing you got to do
at this age is make sure

You warm yourself up
so you don't pull a--

Oh, fuck.

Oh! Aw, fuck it.

Ugh! OK. Oh, fuck.

Can't you turn
the fucking thing off?

I am having a full-on
fucking heart attack.

Uh! Fuck

Ah! OK.

It's happened before.
I'll be good.

O... k. This is a good one.

Oh, yeah.
You got any baby aspirin?

Weigel: sir, I don't feel
like this is fitting right.

Levon: yes. Oh, look at
how lovely you look.

It's not
backwards?
No, no, no.

It's absolutely
perfect.

You got the footies
on right.

That's how you know
it's not backwards,

Or else they'd be
hanging off the back
of your foot.

OK.
Yes. Yes.

The suit was
a little damp
when I put it on.

Oh, it smells so good.
That's intoxicating.

I can't take full credit
for that, I'm afraid.

You're going
to move around,

And the camera
is gonna get
your motions, OK?

Oh, it's gonna
capture my motions.

Yes. Yes.
OK.

I'm just gonna put
a little smiley face
on your vagina.

Oh, OK.
Lookit. Yes.

Can I ask
a question?
What's that?

Why would you need
to reference my vagina
for the commercial?

Well, see, the thing is,
you know, the police
is a ugly business.

We all know this
ugly business.

There's some things
you just got to be
adult about.

Yes. Yes.

You're running
from the police.
OK.

Yes. Yes.
Am I doing it
right?

Here. Let me
keep you in place
for this.

This is the first time
I've ever done this.
Yes.

I hear that
all the time.

Now you're
getting caught.

Now you're trying
to get away.
That's tight.

You're holding
me tight.
Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, I can't
let you go.
I'm the police.

Please, please, I don't want
to go to jail.
Yes. Yes.

You don't want
to go to jail.

Are you catching this?
Say, "I've been a bad girl."

I've been
a bad girl.
Yes. Yes.

Now make
a choking sound.

I love rush week.

Yeah.
Love it.

Hey, guys.
Love you!

Hey, you want to
have your car washed?

How you doing?
Hi.

We wanted to see if we
could get a freebie.

Yeah! Because
we figured,
like, you know,

You're serving
the community,

And we're serving
the community.

We're both serving
the community.

Yeah. You know.

You wash our back,
and we'll wash your front.

That's not
what he meant.

Girls! Girls,
it's gonna be
a cop freebie today.

All right.
Whoo!
Cop freebie.

Yeah. Put them
on the glass.

You don't tell
them to put them
on the glass.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, we should've
brought beers.

We should've,
completely.

We should've brought beers.
We should've brought beers.

What the hell
were we thinking?

Why weren't
we thinking?

Hey.
Hey, how
you doing?

Great.
How's it looking?
How's it looking?

It looked great
from in here,

But we can't see
the car.
Good. All right.

OK. Well,
we're all done.
Bye, you guys.

Move out the way,
bitches.

Don't say, "put them
on the glass,"

And don't
call them bitches.

OK. Sorry. Hey. Bye.

That turquoise
bikini top,

She was
just too big.
Live a little.

You're saying
I don't live?
I guess not.

You're saying
I don't live

Just because I don't
like a triple-E cup.

I don't know
who you are.

You think you know someone.
I like a solid "D."

Levon: we're here
to recruit people.

We want the people
to see you

And want to be
a policeman.

I get a feeling
from you

That something--

A little boy,
something happened.

I don't do that. Nah.

It's for the video.
No, no, no.

I need you
to trust me.

I had a teacher...
uh-Huh?

And she would have us
come up to the board,

And this one day,
I had been looking at--

I'd been looking at this
girl's breasts in the--

Yes.

And I had an erection.

Inside the classroom,
you mean?

I said, "I'll do it
any other time,

Just not this time."

Oh, yes, and that is
what I mean by the trust.

Katkat, camera.

Officer Declan, I'm gonna
ask you to stand up.

Not--I--I'll do it--
Not now.

You think that we'll be
in the commercial?

Do you think they'll
use stunt people?

I think it's probably
gonna be a mix.

Like stunt people.

So, it's like we
look at the camera

And say, "Reno,
where the action is,"

And then...
stunt, stunt,
stunts.

We turn around, and then
a stunt guy turns around

And then stunt,
stunt, stunt,

Somebody on wire
doing wire fu.

Do a wire fu.

I said, "you know, hey,
we're spending 8,000 bucks,

But don't jew us
on the wire fu."

We very much appreciate
your visit to Reno.

Thank you, and
don't come again.
Thank you.

Now we're gonna take you
to the county line

Into beautiful, wonderful
Sparks, Nevada.

Sparks, Nevada.
Agh! Aw, fuck it..

Well, well, well,
well, well, well,
well, well, well.

Sparks sheriff's
department.

If it isn't dingleberry
and walking small.

Oh, no.
Look at that.
Look at that.

I just added
to the real estate
value of Sparks

By spitting at it.

Well, here.
Let me help you out
with your water supply.

There you go.

Oh, I'll
do it again.
How about that?

Let's take a swim
in lake Reno. Yeah.

Junior: I'm spitting
in your jurisdiction.
How do you feel about that?

Hold on. Hold on.
I'm running out of spit.

Dangle:
I'm running out
of spit, too.

Let's give it
a second.

Give it a second.
Give it a second.
Give it a second.

Let's all get
a little more spit.

How's it doing
over there in Sparks?

I hear your library
got a book.
Thank you.

And I heard it's
not all the way
colored in.

You guys don't even
have sex with
your own family

Because not even
your family wants
to have sex with you.

You are literally
letting out

Enough rope
to hang yourself.

Did you understand
what you even
just said?

I'm saying that
our families are sexy

So, of course they want
to have sex with each other.

You are dangerously
close to stepping
into our jurisdiction.

Your gun is in Reno!
Your gun is in Reno.

Do it again.
Do it again.
Fine.

Put him
into Sparks.

Come on! Offensive line!
Offensive line!

Now you're in ours!
Shit.
Shit.

They got me
fair and square.

I don't want to go
to jail in Sparks, man!

Don't let me go to jail
in Sparks, man!

Do you know
what they do to you?

Could we
get a jump?

Rizzo: Cindy! Cindy, hi.

In my locker,
there were 3 jars

Of urine,
of my urine.

Yes. I saw it.

Yes, and they're
no longer there,
and it's my locker,

And just my locker
is my stuff,

And I'm just
wondering where the
jars of urine are.

Oh, it's in
the garbage.

Lieutenant asked me
to clean all the locker.

Did you notice,
I fold all your clothes
and I clean your gun?

That was very nice.
That was very nice
of you.

I put a little
deodorant tree
inside for you.

Oh, well,
that was very nice.
No. It smells good.

It's little
overpowering.

It's very lemony
now, but that's OK.

Next time,
I'll do lavender.

Next time,
do nothing.

You ready? You want
an invitation, or what?

Uh, one minute.

I just want
to make sure I get
the right form to--

[Whispering]
can you pee in a cup?

Yeah. Sure.
Great. I don't
want to watch.

I just need you
to pee in a cup.

OK. For $5.00.
Great.

Officer Jones...

Yes, sir.

First thing first,

You didn't park in front
of Cinnabon, did you?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Yeah.

You got to
take care of that

Because, you know,
they'll tow anybody.

He's a evil, evil man,
runs the Cinnabon over there.

It's like he doesn't even smell
the deliciousness

In his own establishment.

Hi, Junior.

How you doing today?
I'm pleasant.

Williams: know why
we're here, honey?

Do you guys
want to finish our game
of backgammon?

No.
That's not it.

Take another guess.

Â♪ bath time â♪
â♪ bath time â♪

Uh-Uh.
No.

Were you maybe
up on the roof
up there

Taking potshots
at the freeway?

Do I know anything
about that?

Do you
know anything
about that?

Standing on the roof
shooting at the freeway?

Yes.
Yeah.
No.

You don't
know anything
about that?

Carmen?

Yes,
miss Williams?

Who's been on the roof
shooting at the freeway?

I have.

Yeah.
That's true.
Yes.

Got up on the roof,
and I was like,

"Hey, I'm gonna make
water balloons,"

And then I saw
my daddy's gun.
Yeah.

Why don't you
come with us?
Come on.

Come where?
To jail, baby.

Really?
Yeah. We're
going to the can.

Can we listen
to Tone Loc?

We can listen to Tone Loc
anytime you want.

I think this commercial
is gonna be
pretty great.

I mean, from what I've
seen of what he does,

This may end up
being a classic,

You know, like a real
"where's the beef?"

Plus, I'm in it
wearing a unitard
with a camel toe,

So talk about
"where's the beef?"

Ha ha ha! Ew!

Dangle: moments ago,
this was handed to me

By Levon French,
his assistant Katkat.

It's done--The Reno sheriff's
department recruitment video,

$8,000 in the making.

Ready?

Â♪ who wants to be a deputy? Â♪

Â♪ who wants to be a deputy? Â♪

Â♪ I want to be a deputy â♪

Â♪ you want to be a deputy â♪

Â♪ if you want to be a deputy â♪

Â♪ touch yourself awkwardly â♪

Â♪ everybody â♪

Â♪ dance party â♪

Â♪ if you wanted to be,
be a deputy â♪

Â♪ touch yourself awkwardly
if you want to be a deputy â♪

I love it!
Weigel:
whoo hoo hoo hoo!

I love it.
Declan: home run!

Junior: it's better than
the linoleum commercial.

Way better.
Way better.

Make room
for new deputies!

The eagle goes by.
Were you watching?
The eagle goes by.

Â♪ who wants to be
a deputy? Â♪

Â♪ I want to be
a deputy â♪

Â♪ who wants to be
a deputy? Â♪

Â♪ I want to be
a deputy â♪

None of the TV stations

Will run the
recruitment commercial.

Why?
Well, they gave
a couple of reasons.

A big one,
it's 7 minutes long.

Why it's
so good.

Oh, also, apparently,
I didn't notice that
he says motherfucker...

At the end...
a bunch
of times.

After the fourth
dance break.

They say motherfucker on TV
all the time.

You can't. Watch.
Motherfucker. Watch.

Motherfucker
motherfucker.

Dangle: motherfucker
would never make it.

Motherfucker.