Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 7, Episode 3 - TT's Auntie's Funeral - full transcript
The department engages in a local ceremony. Lieutenant Dangle and Officer Junior detain a suspect on an aircraft.
- Welcome to the distant future.
[chuckles]
This is pretty neat because
the state of Nevada has given us...
rented us a virtual reality system,
which is for training purposes.
You can be in...
Travis, where are you now?
- Yeah, it's not just a target range.
It's like a...
like an inner city neighborhood.
- That's a good question.
Is there hail or snow or anything?
- Across the street,
I'm going into the bank.
- Shit! Shit!
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Whoa, really scary guy!
- JIM: Scary guy?
- FEMALE OFFICER: Scary guy! Scary guy!
-JIM: Where? Where?
- It's a sad day here in Reno.
We have a frequent public nuisance
named T.T.
I'm not sure what happened to her
but her aunt sure
was a pillar in the community,
and so, we're mourning her today.
The Reno Sheriff's Department
has decided to pitch in
and we're all pall bearers for her coffin.
She was a great lady and she...
- [T.T. crying loudly]
- started a...
an after-school program
for homeless children.
- She donated books to people in need.
- Donated books.
And T.T. is going through
her stages of grief.
- It's really heartbreaking.
- [T.T. continues crying]
I've never seen anything so sad.
- You know, everyone
experiences bereavement differently,
so we try to have room for that...
- Yeah.
- ...experience.
- Sometimes they cry,
sometimes they hump things.
Sometimes they dance. Oh.
- Okay. Yeah.
[T.T. crying loudly]
- All right.
- My condolences.
- My...
- Okay. Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
[band playing slow music]
[man screaming]
[indistinct chattering]
- MINISTER: We appreciate it so much.
Thank you.
[T.T. continues crying loudly]
Oh, wow.
- JIM: Be a lady. Be a lady.
- MINISTER: Okay. Okay.
- JIM: Be a lady.
- All right...
[chuckles] You gotta be easy on that.
- Be a lady. Be a lady.
- All right, here we go.
- Thank you T.T.
- We really appreciate you guys.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, in general. Yeah.
- Well, thank you, thank you.
I wouldn't necessarily...
- T.T. Okay. Okay.
- Okay, don't...
- No, let her. She's gotta mourn.
Let her mourn.
She's gotta mourn too.
- FEMALE OFFICER: No hitting.
- So, uh, excuse me...
Excuse us. Excuse us.
If we could just... Very sorry.
Just have to...
- MALE OFFICER: Wait. Wait.
You can't go through here.
They're doing demolition.
- They're doing demolition. Back it up.
- Oh, shit.
- All right.
- Back it up. Back it up.
[band tempo increases]
- Sorry. I'm so sorry. Bringing this back.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
[indistinct chattering]
- To starboard. To the starboard.
- Watch it. Watch your step.
There's a curb.
There's a curb here.
- Hard to port.
- Here we go.
- Hard to port.
- Oh, God, no! Oh, God, no!
Go, go, go. Oh, it's so cold!
[exclaims] Ah, brrr!
- We can get through this.
- Oh, God. Oh, that was really...
Okay.
- MINISTER: Son of a...
Quick, come. We're almost there.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- That's a good pace. Great pace.
- JIM: Did we make a wrong turn
or something?
- MINISTER: Jesus!
- JIM: I think we made a wrong turn,
I swear.
Shit! Shit!
[explosions]
[all screaming]
Are we following, T.T.?
[woman screams]
- TRAVIS: Go, go, go!
- It's okay.
- We're almost here!
- This way, this way.
- Hard to starboard.
Hard to starboard.
Jesus!
Okay. Okay.
[band tempo increases]
Five, six, seven, eight. And...
- MINISTER: Brothers and sisters...
- TRAVIS: It's fine. Go!
- MINISTER: Please join me
for a moment of silence.
Just a moment of silence.
[woman crying loudly]
- Sheriff's Department.
- Somebody called you guys.
- I'm sorry, it took a while.
- Yeah, we just sat down to eat
when we got the call.
- I'm Steve. I'm the flight attendant.
Kind of in charge of economy class.
- Sure.
- Exhausting!
- Yeah, I bet it's exhausting.
- What happened wrong today is a woman...
and I don't want you to let her know
we're talking about her...
in a blue shameez in the third row...
- Guys, can I save you some time?
- [shushing]
- Ma'am. Ma'am!
- Ma'am.
- So she's sitting... You know what,
I'll pretend that I'm her, okay?
- And I'm gonna sit here and...
- First of all, don't dress like that
if you wanna be taken seriously.
- ...she's hitting the buzzer
every three minutes.
- So you're her?
- "Sir, I need chap-sticks."
- I come over. She says, "Oh, I spilled
all the nuts in my lap."
She's like, "Can you grab them?
Help me grab them."
- So you're... Yeah.
- So you be me,
and I put my hand down there...
- So you're you.
- ...and then she starts doing this.
- Okay.
- Like trying to
shove her vaginal mound into my wrist.
- Shut your hole. Shut your hole.
- So she says, "Go up there
and grab my jacket,
because, well, I'm seat-belted.
As I'm grabbing her jacket,
she's doing this,
just giving me little Eskimo kisses
with her nose.
Just like this. - This is...
- Nice and slow.
- This is... I do...
- I'm looking for a jacket...
- Why are you wearing shorts?
- ...that doesn't even exist.
And she's going like this
- pretending she's reaching in the back...
- I will sue you!
- ...for my jacket.
- And what's really happening is...
- Excuse me.
- ...I'm getting ass-raped
by her vaginal mound.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
He doesn't work for the airline.
He's the one I called you about.
He was rubbing his groin
on this passenger.
- Shit! God damn it.
Get down in first!
- Don't get near me
or I will open this door
and suck you all out into space.
- I don't think he's bluffing.
- It's like 12 feet down, right? 14 feet?
- It's like 12 feet.
- We work really hard,
but if we didn't love it,
honestly, we wouldn't be here.
- Believe it or not,
the Reno Sheriff's Department
has jobs available.
- Reno Sheriff's Department
is looking for a few good men,
and women, and transgender,
and non-gender specific gen-Z-ers.
- Even with criminal records.
- Up to and including the retarded.
- I love it here, and if I didn't,
I could quit at any time.
Really, I could just get up and walk out.
- I'm so happy, I must be dreaming.
- I didn't even use my six hours
of time off last Christmas.
- So join the Reno Sheriff's Department.
- ALL: Fax in your applications now.
[chuckles]
This is pretty neat because
the state of Nevada has given us...
rented us a virtual reality system,
which is for training purposes.
You can be in...
Travis, where are you now?
- Yeah, it's not just a target range.
It's like a...
like an inner city neighborhood.
- That's a good question.
Is there hail or snow or anything?
- Across the street,
I'm going into the bank.
- Shit! Shit!
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Whoa, really scary guy!
- JIM: Scary guy?
- FEMALE OFFICER: Scary guy! Scary guy!
-JIM: Where? Where?
- It's a sad day here in Reno.
We have a frequent public nuisance
named T.T.
I'm not sure what happened to her
but her aunt sure
was a pillar in the community,
and so, we're mourning her today.
The Reno Sheriff's Department
has decided to pitch in
and we're all pall bearers for her coffin.
She was a great lady and she...
- [T.T. crying loudly]
- started a...
an after-school program
for homeless children.
- She donated books to people in need.
- Donated books.
And T.T. is going through
her stages of grief.
- It's really heartbreaking.
- [T.T. continues crying]
I've never seen anything so sad.
- You know, everyone
experiences bereavement differently,
so we try to have room for that...
- Yeah.
- ...experience.
- Sometimes they cry,
sometimes they hump things.
Sometimes they dance. Oh.
- Okay. Yeah.
[T.T. crying loudly]
- All right.
- My condolences.
- My...
- Okay. Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
[band playing slow music]
[man screaming]
[indistinct chattering]
- MINISTER: We appreciate it so much.
Thank you.
[T.T. continues crying loudly]
Oh, wow.
- JIM: Be a lady. Be a lady.
- MINISTER: Okay. Okay.
- JIM: Be a lady.
- All right...
[chuckles] You gotta be easy on that.
- Be a lady. Be a lady.
- All right, here we go.
- Thank you T.T.
- We really appreciate you guys.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, in general. Yeah.
- Well, thank you, thank you.
I wouldn't necessarily...
- T.T. Okay. Okay.
- Okay, don't...
- No, let her. She's gotta mourn.
Let her mourn.
She's gotta mourn too.
- FEMALE OFFICER: No hitting.
- So, uh, excuse me...
Excuse us. Excuse us.
If we could just... Very sorry.
Just have to...
- MALE OFFICER: Wait. Wait.
You can't go through here.
They're doing demolition.
- They're doing demolition. Back it up.
- Oh, shit.
- All right.
- Back it up. Back it up.
[band tempo increases]
- Sorry. I'm so sorry. Bringing this back.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
[indistinct chattering]
- To starboard. To the starboard.
- Watch it. Watch your step.
There's a curb.
There's a curb here.
- Hard to port.
- Here we go.
- Hard to port.
- Oh, God, no! Oh, God, no!
Go, go, go. Oh, it's so cold!
[exclaims] Ah, brrr!
- We can get through this.
- Oh, God. Oh, that was really...
Okay.
- MINISTER: Son of a...
Quick, come. We're almost there.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- That's a good pace. Great pace.
- JIM: Did we make a wrong turn
or something?
- MINISTER: Jesus!
- JIM: I think we made a wrong turn,
I swear.
Shit! Shit!
[explosions]
[all screaming]
Are we following, T.T.?
[woman screams]
- TRAVIS: Go, go, go!
- It's okay.
- We're almost here!
- This way, this way.
- Hard to starboard.
Hard to starboard.
Jesus!
Okay. Okay.
[band tempo increases]
Five, six, seven, eight. And...
- MINISTER: Brothers and sisters...
- TRAVIS: It's fine. Go!
- MINISTER: Please join me
for a moment of silence.
Just a moment of silence.
[woman crying loudly]
- Sheriff's Department.
- Somebody called you guys.
- I'm sorry, it took a while.
- Yeah, we just sat down to eat
when we got the call.
- I'm Steve. I'm the flight attendant.
Kind of in charge of economy class.
- Sure.
- Exhausting!
- Yeah, I bet it's exhausting.
- What happened wrong today is a woman...
and I don't want you to let her know
we're talking about her...
in a blue shameez in the third row...
- Guys, can I save you some time?
- [shushing]
- Ma'am. Ma'am!
- Ma'am.
- So she's sitting... You know what,
I'll pretend that I'm her, okay?
- And I'm gonna sit here and...
- First of all, don't dress like that
if you wanna be taken seriously.
- ...she's hitting the buzzer
every three minutes.
- So you're her?
- "Sir, I need chap-sticks."
- I come over. She says, "Oh, I spilled
all the nuts in my lap."
She's like, "Can you grab them?
Help me grab them."
- So you're... Yeah.
- So you be me,
and I put my hand down there...
- So you're you.
- ...and then she starts doing this.
- Okay.
- Like trying to
shove her vaginal mound into my wrist.
- Shut your hole. Shut your hole.
- So she says, "Go up there
and grab my jacket,
because, well, I'm seat-belted.
As I'm grabbing her jacket,
she's doing this,
just giving me little Eskimo kisses
with her nose.
Just like this. - This is...
- Nice and slow.
- This is... I do...
- I'm looking for a jacket...
- Why are you wearing shorts?
- ...that doesn't even exist.
And she's going like this
- pretending she's reaching in the back...
- I will sue you!
- ...for my jacket.
- And what's really happening is...
- Excuse me.
- ...I'm getting ass-raped
by her vaginal mound.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
He doesn't work for the airline.
He's the one I called you about.
He was rubbing his groin
on this passenger.
- Shit! God damn it.
Get down in first!
- Don't get near me
or I will open this door
and suck you all out into space.
- I don't think he's bluffing.
- It's like 12 feet down, right? 14 feet?
- It's like 12 feet.
- We work really hard,
but if we didn't love it,
honestly, we wouldn't be here.
- Believe it or not,
the Reno Sheriff's Department
has jobs available.
- Reno Sheriff's Department
is looking for a few good men,
and women, and transgender,
and non-gender specific gen-Z-ers.
- Even with criminal records.
- Up to and including the retarded.
- I love it here, and if I didn't,
I could quit at any time.
Really, I could just get up and walk out.
- I'm so happy, I must be dreaming.
- I didn't even use my six hours
of time off last Christmas.
- So join the Reno Sheriff's Department.
- ALL: Fax in your applications now.