Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 10 - Stoner Jesus - full transcript

Every single time
I do child's pose,
out comes a fart.

It's great.

Oh, my fucking god!

God damn it!

God damn it, that's my bike!

Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!

I need your bike.
I need your bike.

No time to discuss it.

I'm sorry.

I don't--I don't know how
to ride a motorcycle at all.

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Son of a bitch.
God damn it!

[Coughs]
come on!

They all have guns!

Ow!

Push 'em together?

Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!

Aah!

[Siren]

[Empty gun clicks]

Watch. Watch.

Aah!

You don't have
to get an X-ray, but if
it turns up, there's--

I'm just saying, there's
a reward if you poop out

This young lady's
engagement ring.



Can I get a polite
round of applause

For deputy Travis Junior?

Williams:
for what?

For the beautiful artwork
that he did

For my princess
Diana of Wales 10-Year
memorial tribute.

Junebug, you drew that?

Rizzo: I had no idea.

Dangle: anyway, Travis,
thank you very much.

It's beautifully done.

Junior: it took me
all weekend.

So this Saturday
at 7:30, it's my 10-Year
tribute to Diana,

Princess of Wales.

I hope you all can be there.

Declan: are these for us?

Yeah. Pass
them around.

All right.

Williams: I would like to,
but I can't make it.

I'll see you there.

Declan:
no, you won't.
Yes, I will.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

No.

I can play
this game all day.

You want to play
chess? You want
to play mouth chess?

I'll mouth
chess you.

Junior:
what time is it?
7:30.

Shit. Busy.
Really?

Yeah.
It is mandatory.

I think I got the kids
this weekend. Yeah...

Oh, bring them.
They'll love it.

It's great for kids.
Great for kids.

It'd be good
for kids.

They're terrified of
theater.
Big boy, big boy?

Uh, you know what?

I don't like
being referred to
as big boy anymore.

All right. OK.

Whoever's not there
is working Christmas.

So that's how it goes.

If you're not
there, that's fine.

Lieutenant, legally, are
you allowed to do this?

Dangle: absolutely. If we're
gonna start questioning
if what each other is doing

Is legal, do we
want to pull--The thread
of that sweater?

Start pulling it
and pulling it
and pulling it

Till our teats
are flopping about and we
have no sweater left. Sir?

I don't want
my teats flapping about.

Declan: nobody wants
your teats--

No one wants their
teats--
Nobody wants that.

Dangle: let's not worry
about--Let's not...

Dangle: hey, Mike!

Junior:
you can hear us.

Mike, I know you
can hear me.

Pull the fuck over.

Ha ha ha ha!
You got that one?

You don't listen
good, do you?

Come on. I'm just
out daredeviling.

Oh, son, you're
on out there
daredeviling?

Out daredeviling?
That
is a very nice suit.

Out daredeviling.
Thanks.

I would almost
go so far as to say,

Junior--Would
you say this is
a suspiciously nice suit?

I might say that.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Facemask, facemask.
Five yards, 15 yards.

Would you say it's
a suspiciously nice suit?

I was willed this suit.

Really?

You were willed
that suit?

You know, that's
not what the people

At the funeral home
said, Mike.

It turns out, there's
a naked older gentleman

In a coffin--The perpetrator
last seen fleeing on--

Oh, no. That's right.
The Schwinn banana bike.

The perfect crime.

The perfect crime.

The perfect crime.

Stealing a suit
from a dead man

And getting away on
a Schwinn banana bike.

Why would I have the helmet?

If I'm stealing at all,
why wouldn't I steal

A fedora or
a nice little Jack hat?

I was gonna
thank you for
wearing the helmet

Because it is bike
safety week.

It is bike safety week.

Oh, is it?
Yeah.

Yeah. For those of
you kids at home,

It is bike safety week.
And always wear a helmet.

[Music playing]

It smells like
a Phish concert. Whew!

Kind of smells like
Bob Marley's basement
or something.

Dangle and Junior:
sheriff's department!

Sorry, guys.
We're just blowing
off a little steam.

We're the touring
company of "Jesus
Christ, superstar."

I'm the star,
and uh--

He's Jesus.
This is my lady.

Wow. You couldn't
have dropped that

Any faster.

OK. Didn't ask that.
Didn't ask that.

We're here at the Reno
playhouse for a week.

We've got two shows
on Sunday, then
we're out of here.

Knock it off.
No pitch, no pitch.

No, there's no
commercial. There's
not a commercial.

We have discount tickets
available at TKTS.

Don't pitch.

We didn't ask for your
life history, sir.

Wow. Guys--

So just turn it
down and we'll go.
We'll leave.

Can I say something?

I'm feeling a little
bit persecuted here

Because we've been
working hard all week.

Oh, don't play
that card.

I'm serious.

Hey, guys, I am
trying to get some
sleep next door.

It is so--

Oh, it's Benny
Buzz-kill, everybody.

Because we have two
shows tomorrow, OK?

I got to get
some sleep.

Are you the one
who called, sir?

Did you
call, sir?

I'm in the room
next-foor--114.

You're the one
who called.
114, yeah...

You called on us?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're cool?

We're cool.

We're cool.
Don't bless us.
Don't bless us.

I'm not gonna--

Don't bless us
like this. Don't
bless us like this.

It feels like
a bless you.

Don't do either
one of these.

Don't do anything
that's Jesus-like.

Don't do anything
that's even Bono-like.

Thank you. Thank you.

OK, thank you.
That's good.
That's Bono-like.

Knock it off.
You're in
the show, too?

Yeah, I am in the show.

What did he
just say?
I play Judas.

You're Judas. Thank
you for the call.
We appreciate it.

Down. A little
bit down.
Down more.

Thank you.

Hey, can I talk
to you, Cindy?

Yeah.
A laundry
problem again.

Oh, yeah!

I give you 11 pounds
of laundry.

OK.
I got 11 pounds back...

OK.
None of it mine.

Oh, yes. I remember
your laundry.

OK. It's like
XXL white t-shirt,
undershirt, right?

Yup, yup.

There's gonna be
about 8 of them.
Is that yours?

Yup. Mm-Hmm.

Oh, and, actually,
there's one item
I could not wash.

It was the extra-extra
large women, uh, underwear.

Women's nightgown.
It was lace.

I can't wash that. It has
to be dry-clean only.

So...
I can--Can I...

You know, it's about--
It looked like this.
It would fit like this.

Let me explain
that to you.

Uh-Huh.

I had a female
friend over.

Oh!
And she got very sweaty.

OK.

And then she didn't
want to put that in
her handbag

And then forget it
and it would get
mildewy...

Right, right.
So she asked me
if I could--

She a big girl, huh?
Well...

Junior:
hey, uh, Cindy,

I think that you
mixed up my laundry.

I got a big, giant,
giant bra

That said "Declan"
in the back.

I didn't think you
were married still.

Did it have--

That's my wife's.
And what I'm doing
is cleaning out everything

And giving it to Goodwill.

But I wanted to get
everything washed before I--

Your wife writes
your name in the
back of her bras?

I got "Jack Declan."

I got a couple of
thongs that say
"J. Declan" on it...

Yeah.

I got a giant,
giant bra saying
"J. Declan."

My wife's name
was Janice--
With a "J."

Yeah.
Oh, OK.

All right.

Bernice I thought
your missus was.

Nope. Janice.
Janice...

Yup.
With a "J."

Yup.
"J. Declan.
Janice?

Yeah!

Junior: what is he, like
a black belt or like a--

He's a sensei-level
instructor.

It's what it says.
It says it right
on his resume.

Williams: really?
Yeah.

Jones: well, you can
put anything--I mean...

Dangle:
attention!

Hi, everybody.

Hey.
What's up?

Today's a great day

Because the Reno sheriff's
department is going to make
the impossible possible.

This is what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna show you how
to break a board.

The secret to breaking
a board is not to hit
the board,

To hit behind the board.

Hello! Hit me over here.

Not this.

OK. Let me have a try.

Ow! Ohh!

Smacked him right
in the dick.

I have been working
on my tribute

To Diana,
princess of Wales.

Do you mind?
Do you mind?

It just drifted
over there, bro.

Um, I've been
working on it
for 4 years.

It was intended
to be performed,

Of course, in 2007,
which would have,
in fact, been

The 10-year anniversary
of her untimely
and tragic death. Um--

Why didn't you
do it then?

I just didn't have
my shit together.

Hello, boys and girls.

My name is deputy
Frank Rizzo.

I'm here to talk to you about
some of the things that I do

And the Reno sheriff's
department does

To make the town of Reno
very safe.

Well, the first thing I do when
I get up is I clean my gun.

Guns are very important.
Never be afraid of a gun.

Guns often solve problems
that words can't.

So remember that.

Does anyone know what
a sting operation is?

OK. It's like a secret mission
in a video game, OK?

And in order to catch
who I'm going after,
which is a dirtbag,

I need to look like
a dirtbag.

So what I'll do is I'll
put on some dirty clothes.

Depending on how deep
undercover I go,

I'll put on some AIDS scabs
all over my arms and neck.

And depending on what type
of suspect I'm after,

I'll put on a cock ring,

Or--Does anyone--

Or a penis ring?

God damn hippies
sheriff's department!

OK.
Jesus Christ!

Man: what?

You're back!
Yay.

No, I'm not
talking to you.
I'm yelling at you.

I'm not
talking to you,
Jesus Christ.

I'm yelling at you.
Jesus Christ!
It is 3:15.

Man: what?
It is
3:15 AM.

OK, but we're
still celebrating.
We turned it down.

We asked you to
stop celebrating
2 1/2 hours ago!

Can I tell you
guys what's going
on here really?

Yeah.

Benny, the guy that
called, he's just upset

Because he's my
understudy and he's
always wanted this part.

He's just a jealous
little guy.

He's upset, like
everybody else in
this hotel is upset.

Like every other
normal citizen.

They paid $35 for
a room, and they do not
want to be listening

To Allman brothers
at 3:15 AM.

I figured those chords
out by the way.

Oh, we do not want
to hear the chords
to the Allman brothers.

Are you sure?

I don't want want
to have to pull out
my pistol.

Are you sure? Really?
'Cause I could--

It's G C D.
It's always.

Do not play any instruments.
Woman: I want to
hear the chords!

If we could arrest
you right now,

If I didn't have
to go to a judge

And get a warrant
by probable cause--

You would be doing--
Oh, you would
be doing--

How many stations
further?

Well, you can't. But
you don't have a warrant.

And you can't search.
So am I right or am I wrong?

Woman: so it was really
nice seeing you guys again.

Ooh!
Son of a bitch.

God damn this
guy's pushing
all my buttons...

Psst! Hey! Guys,
come here.

Are you gonna bust
the party up?

We can't.
We don't have
anything on him.

Yeah. We asked him
to turn it down,

But that's really all
we can legally do.

We can't arrest him
for noise disturbance.

Unless he
has, actually,
possession of it.

We can smell
it, but we
can't see it.

I might know
where that is.
His stuff?

You tell us where
his weed is, you know
who's gonna be playing

Jesus tomorrow
at 10 AM?
Benny is.

Benny is gonna be
playing Jesus.
Benny is.

Benny, I'm sorry I
was mean to you, man.
Give me a kiss, bro.

Get over here.
Give me a kiss.
That's my man.

His pot's in the grail.

Man: you fucking asshole!
What?!

Dangle: pot is in the grail.
You have the right
to remain silent.

Man: you fucking
piece of shit.

Oh, my god, man. My dad
is gonna fucking kill me.

Dangle: are you
OK, Terry? Terry?

What's the matter,
buddy?

Terry? Terry?

Use your words.
Use your words.

I was murdered.

You were murdered.

OK. You obviously
weren't murdered

Because you're
alive and you're
basically intact.

You weren't
murdered, buddy.

You weren't
murdered, buddy.

My skate is stolen!

OK, your skate
is stolen.

It was an alien
from the sky.

OK. It was
obviously not an
alien from the sky.

Somebody came by--

It was a big ship
and a alien saying...

[Gibberish].

And he took my skate.

So he spoke alien
talk, and he came
and took your skate.

I was playing baseball
with my friends.

And an alien ship came down.

And it shined a beam on me.

And they were like,
"hey, fag.
And I'm not gay.

Hate crime. We have
an alien hate crime.

I'm not gay.

Come here.
Come here, buddy.

Dangle: just skate
around. Skate it
off. Skate it off.

Skate it off.

Declan:
have you got a cell phone?

I want to get this
for Youtube.

Crystal methamphetamine.

It's a terrible,
terrible drug,

And it's one that
your brain doesn't
really recover from.

It basically
turns your brain into
a sort of a sponge.

If you don't believe it,
go to the web and check
out facesofmeth dot ul.

Rizzo: usually, blow jobs
cost around 40 bucks

Or--Or threat
of deportation.

There are several methods
of interrogation to extract

Information that may lead
to an arrest.

The femoral artery
is located right here.

And what we do sometimes,
it's called a bleed-out.

You hit that, either you
clip it with a scalpel,

Or take your gun.

Do that, and it's gonna
just start coming out.

It's just gonna start coming
out right through there.

Now, if it's
a female suspect,

You may want to--You know,

You're gonna have to go for
the ventricle artery here.

Does anyone know who
the ventricle artery is?

Very nice.

Once you take care
of this situation,

Usually you're gonna get
the information that you need

And we're gonna put
the bad guys away.

Whew. That was
a lot of talking.
Ha ha.

90 minutes.

Hey, yeah.
A lot to get out.
A lot of info.

Yeah. We don't usually
talk that much.

But, um, it's, um,
just-- [Sniffs]--
Right...

Uh-Oh.
All right. OK. Ahem.

So, um, Jim has
asked me to be in this
princess Diana tribute,

And I think we're gonna
have a very special treat
prepared for everybody.

Ohh. God.

I'd rather eat

A 6-foot-long broken
glass dog shit sandwich

Than go
to that tribute.

OK. There are
leotards involved.

Hey. You gonna be
wearing leotards?

I'm gonna be
wearing a leotard.

I'll go for you.

Yeah?
Yeah. I'll go for you.

I'll tell you what...
what?

It's gonna be a bit
of a camel toe parade.

Ha ha ha!
Hey, what is this,
"Lawrence of Alabia"?

Ha ha ha!

That's disgusting.

Look what I found.

Jones: whoa.

In Trudy Wiegel's
bedroom.

What, that freak?
It's so on.
Let's watch it.

Put that
in immediately.

Williams:
ah! Oh, my god.
I want to see that.

Trudy getting freaky!

Surprise! It's not a sex tape.
It's my will.

Ha ha. Got you fuckers.

You're not gonna get
to see my vag.

Baby Jesus has taken another
angel up to heaven today.

I think we all
hate Jesus for that,
and I think that's OK.

Now, for this next
part, if someone could
please put this on a loop

So it would play over
and over again.

And set the monitor
on top of the coffin
at the funeral,

That would be terrific.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[Deep voice]
hello. Thank you for coming.

Good day. It's wonderful
to see you again.

Oh, hello there, Carl.

You made it.

Ha ha ha.

Wonderful, wonderful...

Dangle: is this some
kind of death tape?

Junior: uh-Huh.

How did we
get it?

Broke in. I'm
gas lighting her.

Changing the wattage
of the light bulbs,
make them low.

I know what
gas lighting is.

You're trying to make
her think she's crazy.

I'm putting left-overs
in the fridge of stuff
she never ate.

Very good.
Very good...

Right? So she's like,

"Did I--Did I have
pop tarts and soup?"

Declan: hey, they
sell half-again
too big phones

If you want those
to make her think
she's shrinking.

Junior: oh! Make her think
she's shrinking.

I like the way you think.

You're probably wondering,

If I'm not nice
to Trudy in this life,

What will she do to me
in the afterlife?

And I do have
big plans for haunting.

So just know that if you,
you know, fuck with me,

Big black guy, if you
try and rape my corpse,

Then I have some pretty
big haunting plans for you.

I'm gonna live inside
your fridge.

I'm gonna haunt
the fuck out of you
for the rest of your life.

I've been working
with that bitch
for 15 years,

And she doesn't
know my name.

Jim and I are working
on a princess Diana
tribute

For everybody to see.

Why?

That's a good question.

Declan, high-Pitched voice:
oh, boo-Hoo! Oh,
boo-Hoo! I'm Jack Declan.

I'm so lonely.

Oh, if people could
only know inside

That I want
to be friends, I know
they would like me.

[Deep voice]
shut up! Stop feeling
sorry for yourself.

Be a man. Be a man.
Be a man!

[High-Pitched voice]
ooh, my life's so hard.

Oh, nobody likes me. Everybody
thinks I'm so scary.

[Deep voice]
of course they do!
Just kill yourself.

Just either suck it up
and go to the world
and face it

Or kill yourself because
there is no in between.

Uh! Uh! Pull it together.

Fear nothing.

[Toilet flushes]

Hey.
Hey, man.
How you doing?

What's up, guys?
Hey, I'm OK. How about you?

Yeah? I'm great.
Uh-Huh.

I'm good,
doing good.

Hey.

Everything's
OK over here, too.

Yeah.

Hmm, awesome.

How you doing, man?

I'm good.
How are you doing?

Like I said, everything's
OK over here.

How about you, Rizzo?
You OK?

I'm great, man.

You OK?
Yeah. I am.

Sometimes I worry
about you.

No, no. No.
Don't be.
I feel great.

OK. If you ever
need to talk...

Right back at you.

If you need to talk
about anything.

Hey, I'm gonna
get out of here.
Great talking to you.

Jones: OK.

Great talking
to you, too, man.

Declan: you think
they don't know? They know!

Everyone can see through
you--Your weakness.

God damn it!

Pull it together! Pull it
together! Pull it together!

Great. You're coming
to the princess Diana
tribute, right?

That's, uh...

Travis, you know, I
think you heard me.

Oh, the Diana tribute...

Yeah, yeah.
The show thing.

'Cause I got
the little mini-auditorium
there and stuff,

And I got
a smoke machine.

Yeah. When
was that again?

It's, uh, it's tonight,
tonight at 7:00.

Ooh! So I
planned that thing.

What did you
plan specifically?
That thing.

What is it
specifically?

A dentist thing.

The dentist thing
at 7:00?

There's no dentist
that's open at 7:00--
That's interesting--

That I know of.

Yeah. No, 'cause
I'm trying to work
it into my schedule.

So you made him stay late.
You called the dentist
and had him stay late.

OK. Just bring me
a note tomorrow

And an X-ray of the tooth
and some documentation.

I could probably get
an X-ray of the tooth
for you by tomorrow.

Great.

Dangle: Rizzo, I can't
ask you to not have the--

It's a normal
thing that happens to
a gentleman in the morning,

Particularly if he's sleepy.

I can ask you once again
to sit closer to the desk.

Thank you. I can see
your morning erect--

Junior: I just
went to check on that
Jesus guy in cell 3.

He is gone.

The cell's still locked,
prison clothes laid out
on the bed

With nobody in them.
He is not there.

I put him in 3 days ago
for the long weekend.

Wiegel: no he's in 6.
Did you say 3?

Junior: 3.
No, he's in 6.

[Junior clicks tongue]

Dangle: oh, that
makes more sense.

There was almost
a miracle in here.

Jones: yeah...
yeah.

[Music playing]

[Dangle singing on recording]
â♪ I guess the whole world â♪

Â♪ forgot to thank you â♪

Â♪ for all the great
things that you did â♪

Â♪ and you'll never know
how mad it made me â♪

Â♪ the day that I heard
that you got killed â♪

Â♪ I guess you just touched
something inside me â♪

Â♪ the same way you touched
those guys with AIDS â♪

Â♪ and that's why I wrote
this song about you â♪

Â♪ this is the song
for you I made â♪

Â♪ you'll never know you
are a candle.... â♪

Good--Ooh! Oh, god!

Oh! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.

Oh, fuck.
I can't breathe.

Gary, get up front. We
fucked this up, man.

I fucking landed
on my tailbone. Ow!

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Of course, there
will be a eulogy

Read by none other
than my better half,
Jim Dangle.

"It was no secret

"That Trudy and I were
somewhat of an item.

"Sure, I acted as though
I couldn't stand her,

"Even joked at times how
I wished she were dead.

"In fact, we were
so in love

"That Trudy has made
arrangements for us
to be buried

"Not side by side--
Because that would
be very expensive

"To get two plots--

But in the same
grave right on top
of one another."