Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 9 - Getaway Trailer - full transcript
Wiegel and Rizzo get to know each other better while trapped in a fleeing criminal's mobile home.
Sheriff's department.
Hello.
Sheriff's department.
We got a call here
at the Nevada state
mental hospital.
They had an emergency.
Man:
oh, here's the police officers.
Thank you so much for coming.
I just need you guys
to take a look at this.
It's a picture
of a man's penis.
My penis. So you guys drove
45 minutes to take a look
at a Polaroid of my penis,
So who's crazy now?
Bbllbbll!
Man: Andy. Andy.
Back in the hole, man.
You've got to stay off
the phones, OK?
Andy: tell the phones
to stay off of me.
Hey, you can hold on to that,
sugar tits. You can find me
on eHarmony.
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Son of a bitch.
God damn it!
[Tires screeching]
Come on!
They all have guns!
Ow!
Push 'em together?
Sheriff's department
get off your bike!
Aah!
[Siren]
[Click click]
Aah!
I'm sorry if I'm on edge today.
My a capella choir has
disbanded. I'm sorry.
Aw...
That's rough.
You and Jeff aren't gonna
do it anymore?
No. We will never--Me and Jeff
will never--We--
Oh, I will never darken
his door again.
Oh, I'll be
assigning shifts.
We have to keep an eye
on that witness for the
state's attorney's office.
Uh... Mario...
In that case.
I don't know if that's--
Is that the code name?
Code name's Mario?
There's no one
in real enforcement
But you that uses code
names, so I'm assuming
that's his real name.
OK, his real name
is probably Mario,
But he's gonna be held up
at the--I won't say
the name of the hotel.
Wiegel:
who are you hiding it from?
The Shear Arms hotel is
where we're gonna be holding
that state's witness.
What was that?
'Cause it was secret.
Wiegel: from who?
Declan:
well, we heard it.
Everybody heard it.
You heard it.
They heard it, too.
I think they heard it.
Fine. OK. So they're
holding that--
Declan: did you think
we were shooting
a silent movie?
No. I-I got confused.
No one has claimed
the birdfeeder from the
Junior deputies' raffle.
I would like to get that
off of my books.
If you won the fucking
birdfeeder, come fucking
get it off my desk.
I don't want that fucking
eyesore on my desk any more.
That's what that thing is?
That's a birdfeeder?
They're the fucking
Junior deputies,
And they have the slow ones
helping this year.
No bird would feed
from that thing.
I agree!
I want it off my desk.
If you won it, come claim it,
or I'm throwing it away.
Why don't they raffle off
lawn jockeys anymore?
I love them lawn jockeys
they used to make.
Yeah, they got--You know why.
They don't raffle
'em off anymore
'Cause they have them
working here with us.
Ha ha! Oh, I got
a million of 'em.
Hey, Carmen.
Hey, Carmen.
Hi, guys.
You almost got us with
the hose there, I see.
Hey, how you doing on
your meds, Carmen?
Carmen!
What?
Carmen! How are you
doing on your meds?
Do--Carmen?
Do we need to send
somebody by to
check to see
If you've been
taking your meds?
Yes.
Speak into
the microphone.
Yes, you do need to send
somebody by.
Hey, Carmen, real quick
before we go.
We just wanted to ask.
There was this vacuum
cleaner salesman
who went missing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Have you seen this man,
Mr. Merrick?
Uh... yeah, no.
Yeah, first
you said yes.
You said yeah.
You have seen him?
He went missing
about 10 days ago.
In this
neighborhood.
Has it been 10 days?
OK. I'm gonna search
the house, you keep
her talking.
Yeah. Let's get to the part
where...
Carl Merrick,
are you still alive?
...where you either--
I'm just guessing.
I'm gonna take a wild guess...
Dangle: hey, Carmen,
where should I start looking?
...you either
tied him up or...
You can start in the freezer.
Or the--No, no.
Is he in one piece?
Well...
Mr. Merrick.
His head is.
OK.
Mm-Hmm.
OK. Um...
It's weird. It's just
like a vacuum, like
they come apart so easy.
People?
Yeah.
Oh, my god! OK,
he's not missing anymore.
We don't miss him.
Listen, listen, listen to me. I
can ex--
Yes?
Well, first of all,
can we get a smoothie?
Wiegel:
sure, we can.
We're out here at
the Sage Brush motorhome park
Serving a search warrant
on a Mr. Steven Samantino.
A lot of scumbags
live in this area.
It's a shame 'cause
it's a really nice area.
Yeah, you kidding?
It's like the Taj
Mahal here.
[Dog barking]
Frank. It's this one.
It's right here.
OK.
How do you know
how to do this?
'Cause I know how to
do it. I take a class
at the learning annex.
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Franky, are you OK?
I'm fine because no one--
[Vehicle driving off]
It's moving.
What the fuck!
It's moving.
What's going on?
What's going on?
We're moving.
Why are we moving?
Why are we moving?
Stop this mobile home!
Let me out!
1, 2, 3!
Tuck and roll!
I can't do it.
What?
It's high.
It looks so painful.
I'll do it.
All right.
Both: 1, 2, 3.
I can't do it.
Come back in.
OK. Let's go
at the same time.
All right. OK.
Both: 1, 2, 3!
A federal witness
we were keeping in
protective custody.
When's the trial,
two weeks?
Two weeks.
Mario?
I guess. Mario?
Are you Mario?
I've heard of this. There's
times, you know, where the dog,
Like, can identify a smell.
Ah, so the dog probably...
Lived with a murderer.
Yes, yes.
And so...
And they're gonna
bring 'em on the stand,
And they're gonna
bring Mario.
They're gonna ask the dog,
they're gonna say,
Is this the man? And the dog
will know by smell.
Yeah.
Good Mario.
Oh, maybe the dog
swallowed some kind of,
Like, microfilm
or something.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe he's got
microfilm in him,
Like he swallowed
some kind of evidence,
Some kind of, like, tape
or, like, some kind of--
You know those new,
weird little things
You can put
in your computer,
And they're like discs
but they're, like,
little suppositories.
Little firewires.
Yeah, little firewires.
Yeah,
maybe he ate a firewire.
Did you eat a firewire?
Did you eat a firewire?
Did you eat a firewire,
Mario.
Did you eat a firewire?
Are supposed to wait for this
dog to poop some sort of
evidence out? No, no, no.
I would have thought
they would have told us
To check his poop
for a firewire.
No, no. We're just supposed
to turn--We're supposed
to keep Mario safe.
Oh. Ho ho. Who's a good
witness for the state?
Who's a witness
for the state, Mario?
Who's a witness for the state?
Mario is a witness
for the state. Ha ha!
Did you feel any
firewire in there?
Ah. All right, look.
You know what?
He's got to have something...
This guy's got to have
something here to...
to drink.
I could use a drink maybe.
I'm thirsty.
Ah, eureka! Huh? Huh?
What about it?
I'm not usually a drinker.
Come on.
But today I drink.
Today you drink, right?
Here is to us
getting to know
Each other a little better.
All right. Here is to
us getting the fuck
out of here
Before I blow
my brains out.
OK, OK, touche.
I actually feel like
I can stand a little
bit better now.
Yeah?
Yeah. I'll have
some more of that.
All right.
It makes me feel--
All right, I'll do it.
I didn't think I was
gonna have fun,
And I'm actually
having fun.
I am, too.
I feel like
we're at a disco.
It's kind of like
a disco, huh?
Or like a mosh pit,
right? Whoa, whoa. Oh.
Is that your penis?
That is my penis.
Is that your vagina?
It is my vagina.
OK.
I don't hate this.
This is not
a terrible thing.
This not the worst thing
that has happened since
we have been in here.
No. In fact, I would say it's
the best thing that happened,
And I don't mind if it keeps
happening for at least
another 45 seconds.
Every time we do this,
I get nauseous. The back
and forth, winding...
Well, we got to.
We got a 911 call
from ranger Glen.
Man: ahh!
Declan: what happened?
Take it easy, buddy.
Get back. No, no, no.
Don't come. It could
be contagious.
Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg
and tried to rip it off,
And I fought him, and he tried
to get my stuff,
And I had to
fight him off,
And he put--Took my tibia
and grabbed a piece of bone
out of my leg,
And he ran off with a piece
of my bone,
And I--Get back!
It happened, like,
two days ago,
And I didn't want to call you
guys, so it started
clotting up--
Two days you've been
in this kind of crazy,
screaming pain?
Yeah.
How come you didn't
call us before then?
'Cause I don't like bothering
you guys.
I know you hate coming out
the 30, 40 miles to get here.
I'm really sorry, but this
thing's got to get me into town
for a couple weeks.
I got my day pack inside.
I got--Are you guys thirsty?
What?
Wait a minute.
It's got, like--
Don't get close to it, officer.
It's got, like--
What--
Don't eat my blood!
What are you, a zombie?
Spaghetti sauce.
Come on, I'll show you.
I put spaghetti sauce on it,
but there is a wound.
I'm not lying.
I'm gonna come with you.
Declan: you're not--
Get out of here.
I have a--
You're not coming with us.
I have a compound fracture!
You do not.
911, Donner--Donner pass.
We have a 911!
Give me that!
Man down! Man down!
Give me that.
Give me that!
Man down!
Big, big, big, big!
OK, OK.
You have the right
to remain sexy.
Can I make a suggestion?
Yeah.
Can I take my pants
off first?
Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.
The pressure in that shower
was unbelievable.
Who would have thought
a moving motor home
Would have such
good water pressure?
Â♪ lady in the shower
should I be so lucky
Lady in the shower
fucky fucky fucky â♪
Ha ha!
You know who sang that?
You did. Just now.
Me. I sang it.
[Man singing in Italian]
[Man singing in Italian]
All right, kids,
I am deputy Williams,
And I'm gonna talk to y'all
About keeping yourself safe
from pregnancy.
Now, I know you've probably
heard a lot,
You know, about condoms
or abstinence
I'm gonna talk to you about
something even better than that.
Mmm, getting your tubes tied.
Yes! Raise your hand if you know
what an epidural is.
Anybody? All this?
Mine is still dead.
I don't feel none of that.
They're gonna cut you across
here, all right.
Then they're gonna take the
bottom of our stomach and
they gonna clip, clip that
To your breast meat.
All right, now if some of y'all
are still as flat-chested as you
are right now,
They just gonna skiz it up
underneath your ribcage.
Then you'll feel a tugging
sensation, huh?
You feel this just
being tugged on.
Then after that,
you smell bacon.
Huh? All right. Because that's
the laser burning your tubes.
Hopefully you do understand
if you want to get
With your man, have a plan.
Ahh...
Ah, thanks. I'm gonna
watch the game, I think.
The football game on.
Check out the game,
crack open a beer,
Chill out, relax
and adjust.
You know what? Wow.
What do you mean, wow?
Oh, just wow.
Wha... what do
you mean, wow?
I just feel like a whore.
You and the--
Aw, here we go.
No, don't touch me.
Here we go.
No. Don't you know how
that makes me feel?
Oh, how does it make
you feel?
How do you think
that makes me feel,
Like I'm slaving
over the stove. It's like--
I didn't ask you
to slave.
You said, "I'm gonna cut
up these tomatoes."
Aw, now you're gonna
make fun of my accent?
Hey, how about
some spray cheese?
Ah ba ba ba ba!
Here we go. Here we go!
...spray cheese than that.
Honeymoon's over, I guess.
Honeymoon's over, OK?
You know what?
Fuck it.
I'll do the dishes.
No, no, fuck it.
I'll do the dishes.
I should have known
better than to fuck
an Italian.
Fuck.
They are these brand-new
Al-Queda dogs.
They're smart dogs.
They're smart dogs.
And what they do is
They put these little
chips in 'em.
It's a surveillance dog.
Yeah. Right.
Are you an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog, Mario?
Is that why we're turning
you over to the state's--
He looks a little bit
like an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog.
And so like--
There's like a--There's
a microphone in here.
I see something.
Testing, 1, 2, 1, 2, check,
1, 2. Mario mic check.
Mario microphone check.
This would have been
a very good Encyclopedia
Brown,
This sort of case.
[Telephone ringing]
Phone's not supposed
to be ringing, is it?
No.
They're probably right
outside the door.
What they're doing is
they're checking to see
if we're in here,
And if we're in here,
they're gonna know I'm
right by the phone,
And they're gonna come in
and shoot in this corner.
I'm getting in front
of the dog.
Yep.
OK. Is mar--
Get behind me, Mario.
You stay behind him.
Stay behind him.
Stay right behind me,
Mario.
Stay behind him, Mario.
OK. Ready?
Swear to god.
[Hyperventilating]
Pick it up.
Room 304.
Uh, no, that's OK. We don't
need turn-down service.
Thank you, though. Gracias.
You have a nice day, too.
Kind of got
to take a leak.
Go for it.
I'll watch the witness.
Whew.
Then we'll check
the hall again.
And then after that, we'll check
the roof again, yeah?
Yeah, let's do a sweep
of the roof.
We'll do a sweep of
the hall... sweep again.
We ain't sweep
the basement
in a while either.
Uh, Junior?
Yes, sir?
There's no chance that
this is Mario, is there?
That makes
a lot more sense.
That's--Yep.
Dangle: and what's
this word here?
Cindy:
first time offender.
OK, what's
this word here?
Uh, incarceration?
Very good.
Yeah.
What's this here?
Bludgeon tool.
Bludgeon. Let's work
on bludgeon.
Bludgeon.
One more time.
Maybe you say it for me
and then I can--
Ready? Ready?
OK.
Let's look
at it together,
and I'll say it.
OK.
Bludgeon.
Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
I'm gonna bludgeon you.
Bludgeon.
My mouth don't go like that.
How do you do that?
It doesn't have
to go like that.
It doesn't have
to go like that.
It's just a word.
Is bludgeon.
Oh. Sawed-Off shotgun.
Exactly.
Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed
to book Benjamin Talmadge
For 4 counts of grand ferony?
Ferony? Feroni?
Yeah. Ferony.
What's that?
Oh, Cindy, that's--
Ferony. You know,
there's, like, misdemeanor,
there's ferony.
Ferony. Got it.
OK, you say
that one time?
Ferony.
[Inhales deeply]
Ferony.
Pretty good.
Uh, I was having problems
reading that report.
What is that word?
Rarceny. You know, it's when
people steal something.
Called rarceny, right?
Attempted rarceny.
It's a ferony.
Trudy! Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up! We stopped.
We stopped.
We stopped. We stopped.
Take this, take this.
What? OK.
Here we go.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
OK.
[Salsa music playing]
Senor. Passaportes.
Uh... no tengo passaportes.
No tengo at all passaportes.
[Speaking Spanish]
Can I offer you some money?
Dinero? Dinero?
Robert Deniro, huh?
Robert Deniro.
Hmm, you talking to me?
Well, my name is Chris.
My name is Glen,
And it's a pleasure to be here
To talk to you
about your 401K program.
Are you guys excited?
We say 401, you say K.
401.
All: K.
Glen and Chris: 401.
All: K.
Great job, great job.
You guys were
in our premiere fund,
It's called
the international fund,
We put all you guys
in there,
And things were going
so great.
You guys were making
so much money.
Here's the bad news. Hold on.
I know it's exciting.
As you may have read
in the newspapers,
The economy collapsed
all across the world,
And the international fund
lost a shitload of money.
Yes.
What is the total value of
our 401k's today, right now?
If we were taking it
in cash.
The international fund with
everybody from this department
invested
Was worth over
$12 billion with...
With everyone around the world
that's what it was at
the very beginning
Right now, it's worth
just over $200,000.
$200,000.
It dipped. It dipped.
I don't want to get hung up
on how much you lost
Because when I looked
on your website,
It clearly said that you invest
with the best possible
decision-Making
And sometimes it benefits
and sometimes you can't
predict the future.
That's a great question.
That's a great question.
That's
a great question.
That's a great point
and a great question.
Where did the money
for our 401k's come from?
These are taken
out of your paychecks.
It's deducted
automatically
And is put away for
your retirement.
We've been paying into this.
You've been paying into it.
You've been paying into this
without even knowing it.
That's the beauty of it.
You didn't even feel it.
It's planning for your
future without even
thinking about it.
You didn't even have
to think.
Thank you. Thank you,
thank you for doing that for us.
Thank you for letting us not
have to make these
hard decisions.
And you know what?
Yeah, we all make mistake.
We all have problems?
But you know what?
I'm not gonna blame you.
I'm not gonna blame you.
All I'm gonna say is thank you,
and I'm gonna say whatever.
I'm cool.
Thank you,
officer Bates.
And we'll say it right
off the bat--We're sorry.
Accepted.
There's nothing going on
between me and Rizzo.
I don't even know why
anyone would even have
a recommendation
To say something so
absurd like that.
Rizzo and I have
nothing going on.
Nothing happened
in a trailer between
the two of us.
He did ever--He has
never put his fingers
inside of me
That I can recall.
We've never made out.
I never confessed
my love to him,
And he has never, ever,
ever come in me from
behind.
That's absurd.
That's absurd.
Uh. It seems specific,
I know you're thinking.
And it is.
I have a very
photographic brain,
A lot like Ansel Adams
But in color and with
a lot more insertion
and pubic hair.
So you and Rizzo did it?
We fucked in
the trailer, yeah.
Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha!
Bates: Glen, 'cause
I had to tell 'em.
Pat 'em down.
OK. Pat 'em down.
I had to tell them.
It's very convenient.
Jail is very, very close.
Very, very, very close.
Get 'em out of here.
Take off all their clothes.
Take off
all their clothes.
It's a little prank. We'll hose
'em off. We'll strip 'em naked,
And we'll leave 'em in sparks.
We'll leave 'em in sparks.
We'll leave 'em in sparks.
Ready? Strip 'em,
hose 'em.
Â♪ OK, strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks â♪
Â♪ strip 'em and hose 'em and
take 'em to sparks â♪
Â♪ strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks â♪
Â♪ well, strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks â♪
Hello.
Sheriff's department.
We got a call here
at the Nevada state
mental hospital.
They had an emergency.
Man:
oh, here's the police officers.
Thank you so much for coming.
I just need you guys
to take a look at this.
It's a picture
of a man's penis.
My penis. So you guys drove
45 minutes to take a look
at a Polaroid of my penis,
So who's crazy now?
Bbllbbll!
Man: Andy. Andy.
Back in the hole, man.
You've got to stay off
the phones, OK?
Andy: tell the phones
to stay off of me.
Hey, you can hold on to that,
sugar tits. You can find me
on eHarmony.
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
Son of a bitch.
God damn it!
[Tires screeching]
Come on!
They all have guns!
Ow!
Push 'em together?
Sheriff's department
get off your bike!
Aah!
[Siren]
[Click click]
Aah!
I'm sorry if I'm on edge today.
My a capella choir has
disbanded. I'm sorry.
Aw...
That's rough.
You and Jeff aren't gonna
do it anymore?
No. We will never--Me and Jeff
will never--We--
Oh, I will never darken
his door again.
Oh, I'll be
assigning shifts.
We have to keep an eye
on that witness for the
state's attorney's office.
Uh... Mario...
In that case.
I don't know if that's--
Is that the code name?
Code name's Mario?
There's no one
in real enforcement
But you that uses code
names, so I'm assuming
that's his real name.
OK, his real name
is probably Mario,
But he's gonna be held up
at the--I won't say
the name of the hotel.
Wiegel:
who are you hiding it from?
The Shear Arms hotel is
where we're gonna be holding
that state's witness.
What was that?
'Cause it was secret.
Wiegel: from who?
Declan:
well, we heard it.
Everybody heard it.
You heard it.
They heard it, too.
I think they heard it.
Fine. OK. So they're
holding that--
Declan: did you think
we were shooting
a silent movie?
No. I-I got confused.
No one has claimed
the birdfeeder from the
Junior deputies' raffle.
I would like to get that
off of my books.
If you won the fucking
birdfeeder, come fucking
get it off my desk.
I don't want that fucking
eyesore on my desk any more.
That's what that thing is?
That's a birdfeeder?
They're the fucking
Junior deputies,
And they have the slow ones
helping this year.
No bird would feed
from that thing.
I agree!
I want it off my desk.
If you won it, come claim it,
or I'm throwing it away.
Why don't they raffle off
lawn jockeys anymore?
I love them lawn jockeys
they used to make.
Yeah, they got--You know why.
They don't raffle
'em off anymore
'Cause they have them
working here with us.
Ha ha! Oh, I got
a million of 'em.
Hey, Carmen.
Hey, Carmen.
Hi, guys.
You almost got us with
the hose there, I see.
Hey, how you doing on
your meds, Carmen?
Carmen!
What?
Carmen! How are you
doing on your meds?
Do--Carmen?
Do we need to send
somebody by to
check to see
If you've been
taking your meds?
Yes.
Speak into
the microphone.
Yes, you do need to send
somebody by.
Hey, Carmen, real quick
before we go.
We just wanted to ask.
There was this vacuum
cleaner salesman
who went missing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Have you seen this man,
Mr. Merrick?
Uh... yeah, no.
Yeah, first
you said yes.
You said yeah.
You have seen him?
He went missing
about 10 days ago.
In this
neighborhood.
Has it been 10 days?
OK. I'm gonna search
the house, you keep
her talking.
Yeah. Let's get to the part
where...
Carl Merrick,
are you still alive?
...where you either--
I'm just guessing.
I'm gonna take a wild guess...
Dangle: hey, Carmen,
where should I start looking?
...you either
tied him up or...
You can start in the freezer.
Or the--No, no.
Is he in one piece?
Well...
Mr. Merrick.
His head is.
OK.
Mm-Hmm.
OK. Um...
It's weird. It's just
like a vacuum, like
they come apart so easy.
People?
Yeah.
Oh, my god! OK,
he's not missing anymore.
We don't miss him.
Listen, listen, listen to me. I
can ex--
Yes?
Well, first of all,
can we get a smoothie?
Wiegel:
sure, we can.
We're out here at
the Sage Brush motorhome park
Serving a search warrant
on a Mr. Steven Samantino.
A lot of scumbags
live in this area.
It's a shame 'cause
it's a really nice area.
Yeah, you kidding?
It's like the Taj
Mahal here.
[Dog barking]
Frank. It's this one.
It's right here.
OK.
How do you know
how to do this?
'Cause I know how to
do it. I take a class
at the learning annex.
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
Franky, are you OK?
I'm fine because no one--
[Vehicle driving off]
It's moving.
What the fuck!
It's moving.
What's going on?
What's going on?
We're moving.
Why are we moving?
Why are we moving?
Stop this mobile home!
Let me out!
1, 2, 3!
Tuck and roll!
I can't do it.
What?
It's high.
It looks so painful.
I'll do it.
All right.
Both: 1, 2, 3.
I can't do it.
Come back in.
OK. Let's go
at the same time.
All right. OK.
Both: 1, 2, 3!
A federal witness
we were keeping in
protective custody.
When's the trial,
two weeks?
Two weeks.
Mario?
I guess. Mario?
Are you Mario?
I've heard of this. There's
times, you know, where the dog,
Like, can identify a smell.
Ah, so the dog probably...
Lived with a murderer.
Yes, yes.
And so...
And they're gonna
bring 'em on the stand,
And they're gonna
bring Mario.
They're gonna ask the dog,
they're gonna say,
Is this the man? And the dog
will know by smell.
Yeah.
Good Mario.
Oh, maybe the dog
swallowed some kind of,
Like, microfilm
or something.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe he's got
microfilm in him,
Like he swallowed
some kind of evidence,
Some kind of, like, tape
or, like, some kind of--
You know those new,
weird little things
You can put
in your computer,
And they're like discs
but they're, like,
little suppositories.
Little firewires.
Yeah, little firewires.
Yeah,
maybe he ate a firewire.
Did you eat a firewire?
Did you eat a firewire?
Did you eat a firewire,
Mario.
Did you eat a firewire?
Are supposed to wait for this
dog to poop some sort of
evidence out? No, no, no.
I would have thought
they would have told us
To check his poop
for a firewire.
No, no. We're just supposed
to turn--We're supposed
to keep Mario safe.
Oh. Ho ho. Who's a good
witness for the state?
Who's a witness
for the state, Mario?
Who's a witness for the state?
Mario is a witness
for the state. Ha ha!
Did you feel any
firewire in there?
Ah. All right, look.
You know what?
He's got to have something...
This guy's got to have
something here to...
to drink.
I could use a drink maybe.
I'm thirsty.
Ah, eureka! Huh? Huh?
What about it?
I'm not usually a drinker.
Come on.
But today I drink.
Today you drink, right?
Here is to us
getting to know
Each other a little better.
All right. Here is to
us getting the fuck
out of here
Before I blow
my brains out.
OK, OK, touche.
I actually feel like
I can stand a little
bit better now.
Yeah?
Yeah. I'll have
some more of that.
All right.
It makes me feel--
All right, I'll do it.
I didn't think I was
gonna have fun,
And I'm actually
having fun.
I am, too.
I feel like
we're at a disco.
It's kind of like
a disco, huh?
Or like a mosh pit,
right? Whoa, whoa. Oh.
Is that your penis?
That is my penis.
Is that your vagina?
It is my vagina.
OK.
I don't hate this.
This is not
a terrible thing.
This not the worst thing
that has happened since
we have been in here.
No. In fact, I would say it's
the best thing that happened,
And I don't mind if it keeps
happening for at least
another 45 seconds.
Every time we do this,
I get nauseous. The back
and forth, winding...
Well, we got to.
We got a 911 call
from ranger Glen.
Man: ahh!
Declan: what happened?
Take it easy, buddy.
Get back. No, no, no.
Don't come. It could
be contagious.
Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg
and tried to rip it off,
And I fought him, and he tried
to get my stuff,
And I had to
fight him off,
And he put--Took my tibia
and grabbed a piece of bone
out of my leg,
And he ran off with a piece
of my bone,
And I--Get back!
It happened, like,
two days ago,
And I didn't want to call you
guys, so it started
clotting up--
Two days you've been
in this kind of crazy,
screaming pain?
Yeah.
How come you didn't
call us before then?
'Cause I don't like bothering
you guys.
I know you hate coming out
the 30, 40 miles to get here.
I'm really sorry, but this
thing's got to get me into town
for a couple weeks.
I got my day pack inside.
I got--Are you guys thirsty?
What?
Wait a minute.
It's got, like--
Don't get close to it, officer.
It's got, like--
What--
Don't eat my blood!
What are you, a zombie?
Spaghetti sauce.
Come on, I'll show you.
I put spaghetti sauce on it,
but there is a wound.
I'm not lying.
I'm gonna come with you.
Declan: you're not--
Get out of here.
I have a--
You're not coming with us.
I have a compound fracture!
You do not.
911, Donner--Donner pass.
We have a 911!
Give me that!
Man down! Man down!
Give me that.
Give me that!
Man down!
Big, big, big, big!
OK, OK.
You have the right
to remain sexy.
Can I make a suggestion?
Yeah.
Can I take my pants
off first?
Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.
The pressure in that shower
was unbelievable.
Who would have thought
a moving motor home
Would have such
good water pressure?
Â♪ lady in the shower
should I be so lucky
Lady in the shower
fucky fucky fucky â♪
Ha ha!
You know who sang that?
You did. Just now.
Me. I sang it.
[Man singing in Italian]
[Man singing in Italian]
All right, kids,
I am deputy Williams,
And I'm gonna talk to y'all
About keeping yourself safe
from pregnancy.
Now, I know you've probably
heard a lot,
You know, about condoms
or abstinence
I'm gonna talk to you about
something even better than that.
Mmm, getting your tubes tied.
Yes! Raise your hand if you know
what an epidural is.
Anybody? All this?
Mine is still dead.
I don't feel none of that.
They're gonna cut you across
here, all right.
Then they're gonna take the
bottom of our stomach and
they gonna clip, clip that
To your breast meat.
All right, now if some of y'all
are still as flat-chested as you
are right now,
They just gonna skiz it up
underneath your ribcage.
Then you'll feel a tugging
sensation, huh?
You feel this just
being tugged on.
Then after that,
you smell bacon.
Huh? All right. Because that's
the laser burning your tubes.
Hopefully you do understand
if you want to get
With your man, have a plan.
Ahh...
Ah, thanks. I'm gonna
watch the game, I think.
The football game on.
Check out the game,
crack open a beer,
Chill out, relax
and adjust.
You know what? Wow.
What do you mean, wow?
Oh, just wow.
Wha... what do
you mean, wow?
I just feel like a whore.
You and the--
Aw, here we go.
No, don't touch me.
Here we go.
No. Don't you know how
that makes me feel?
Oh, how does it make
you feel?
How do you think
that makes me feel,
Like I'm slaving
over the stove. It's like--
I didn't ask you
to slave.
You said, "I'm gonna cut
up these tomatoes."
Aw, now you're gonna
make fun of my accent?
Hey, how about
some spray cheese?
Ah ba ba ba ba!
Here we go. Here we go!
...spray cheese than that.
Honeymoon's over, I guess.
Honeymoon's over, OK?
You know what?
Fuck it.
I'll do the dishes.
No, no, fuck it.
I'll do the dishes.
I should have known
better than to fuck
an Italian.
Fuck.
They are these brand-new
Al-Queda dogs.
They're smart dogs.
They're smart dogs.
And what they do is
They put these little
chips in 'em.
It's a surveillance dog.
Yeah. Right.
Are you an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog, Mario?
Is that why we're turning
you over to the state's--
He looks a little bit
like an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog.
And so like--
There's like a--There's
a microphone in here.
I see something.
Testing, 1, 2, 1, 2, check,
1, 2. Mario mic check.
Mario microphone check.
This would have been
a very good Encyclopedia
Brown,
This sort of case.
[Telephone ringing]
Phone's not supposed
to be ringing, is it?
No.
They're probably right
outside the door.
What they're doing is
they're checking to see
if we're in here,
And if we're in here,
they're gonna know I'm
right by the phone,
And they're gonna come in
and shoot in this corner.
I'm getting in front
of the dog.
Yep.
OK. Is mar--
Get behind me, Mario.
You stay behind him.
Stay behind him.
Stay right behind me,
Mario.
Stay behind him, Mario.
OK. Ready?
Swear to god.
[Hyperventilating]
Pick it up.
Room 304.
Uh, no, that's OK. We don't
need turn-down service.
Thank you, though. Gracias.
You have a nice day, too.
Kind of got
to take a leak.
Go for it.
I'll watch the witness.
Whew.
Then we'll check
the hall again.
And then after that, we'll check
the roof again, yeah?
Yeah, let's do a sweep
of the roof.
We'll do a sweep of
the hall... sweep again.
We ain't sweep
the basement
in a while either.
Uh, Junior?
Yes, sir?
There's no chance that
this is Mario, is there?
That makes
a lot more sense.
That's--Yep.
Dangle: and what's
this word here?
Cindy:
first time offender.
OK, what's
this word here?
Uh, incarceration?
Very good.
Yeah.
What's this here?
Bludgeon tool.
Bludgeon. Let's work
on bludgeon.
Bludgeon.
One more time.
Maybe you say it for me
and then I can--
Ready? Ready?
OK.
Let's look
at it together,
and I'll say it.
OK.
Bludgeon.
Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
I'm gonna bludgeon you.
Bludgeon.
My mouth don't go like that.
How do you do that?
It doesn't have
to go like that.
It doesn't have
to go like that.
It's just a word.
Is bludgeon.
Oh. Sawed-Off shotgun.
Exactly.
Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed
to book Benjamin Talmadge
For 4 counts of grand ferony?
Ferony? Feroni?
Yeah. Ferony.
What's that?
Oh, Cindy, that's--
Ferony. You know,
there's, like, misdemeanor,
there's ferony.
Ferony. Got it.
OK, you say
that one time?
Ferony.
[Inhales deeply]
Ferony.
Pretty good.
Uh, I was having problems
reading that report.
What is that word?
Rarceny. You know, it's when
people steal something.
Called rarceny, right?
Attempted rarceny.
It's a ferony.
Trudy! Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up! We stopped.
We stopped.
We stopped. We stopped.
Take this, take this.
What? OK.
Here we go.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
OK.
[Salsa music playing]
Senor. Passaportes.
Uh... no tengo passaportes.
No tengo at all passaportes.
[Speaking Spanish]
Can I offer you some money?
Dinero? Dinero?
Robert Deniro, huh?
Robert Deniro.
Hmm, you talking to me?
Well, my name is Chris.
My name is Glen,
And it's a pleasure to be here
To talk to you
about your 401K program.
Are you guys excited?
We say 401, you say K.
401.
All: K.
Glen and Chris: 401.
All: K.
Great job, great job.
You guys were
in our premiere fund,
It's called
the international fund,
We put all you guys
in there,
And things were going
so great.
You guys were making
so much money.
Here's the bad news. Hold on.
I know it's exciting.
As you may have read
in the newspapers,
The economy collapsed
all across the world,
And the international fund
lost a shitload of money.
Yes.
What is the total value of
our 401k's today, right now?
If we were taking it
in cash.
The international fund with
everybody from this department
invested
Was worth over
$12 billion with...
With everyone around the world
that's what it was at
the very beginning
Right now, it's worth
just over $200,000.
$200,000.
It dipped. It dipped.
I don't want to get hung up
on how much you lost
Because when I looked
on your website,
It clearly said that you invest
with the best possible
decision-Making
And sometimes it benefits
and sometimes you can't
predict the future.
That's a great question.
That's a great question.
That's
a great question.
That's a great point
and a great question.
Where did the money
for our 401k's come from?
These are taken
out of your paychecks.
It's deducted
automatically
And is put away for
your retirement.
We've been paying into this.
You've been paying into it.
You've been paying into this
without even knowing it.
That's the beauty of it.
You didn't even feel it.
It's planning for your
future without even
thinking about it.
You didn't even have
to think.
Thank you. Thank you,
thank you for doing that for us.
Thank you for letting us not
have to make these
hard decisions.
And you know what?
Yeah, we all make mistake.
We all have problems?
But you know what?
I'm not gonna blame you.
I'm not gonna blame you.
All I'm gonna say is thank you,
and I'm gonna say whatever.
I'm cool.
Thank you,
officer Bates.
And we'll say it right
off the bat--We're sorry.
Accepted.
There's nothing going on
between me and Rizzo.
I don't even know why
anyone would even have
a recommendation
To say something so
absurd like that.
Rizzo and I have
nothing going on.
Nothing happened
in a trailer between
the two of us.
He did ever--He has
never put his fingers
inside of me
That I can recall.
We've never made out.
I never confessed
my love to him,
And he has never, ever,
ever come in me from
behind.
That's absurd.
That's absurd.
Uh. It seems specific,
I know you're thinking.
And it is.
I have a very
photographic brain,
A lot like Ansel Adams
But in color and with
a lot more insertion
and pubic hair.
So you and Rizzo did it?
We fucked in
the trailer, yeah.
Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha!
Bates: Glen, 'cause
I had to tell 'em.
Pat 'em down.
OK. Pat 'em down.
I had to tell them.
It's very convenient.
Jail is very, very close.
Very, very, very close.
Get 'em out of here.
Take off all their clothes.
Take off
all their clothes.
It's a little prank. We'll hose
'em off. We'll strip 'em naked,
And we'll leave 'em in sparks.
We'll leave 'em in sparks.
We'll leave 'em in sparks.
Ready? Strip 'em,
hose 'em.
Â♪ OK, strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks â♪
Â♪ strip 'em and hose 'em and
take 'em to sparks â♪
Â♪ strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks â♪
Â♪ well, strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks â♪