Regular Show (2009–2017): Season 8, Episode 13 - The Space Race - full transcript
The guys race through space.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Okay, last lap of the race.
Right turn
coming up on the radar.
Doin' it.
Boost me.
[♪♪♪]
BOTH: Whoa.
What do you think you're doing?
Uh...
Uh...
How many times
do I have to explain
what "Authorized Personnel Only"
means?
Are you authorized personnel,
boys? Are you?
BOTH: No, sir. Sorry, sir.
Now get down and give me 50.
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Is what I would've said
if you hadn't have gotten
the highest score
in "Space Racer Deluxe"
I've ever seen.
You mean
that video game?
That isn't a video game, boys.
It's a racing simulator
for the Station Racing League.
The Interstation 5000,
an annual competition
between all the stations
in the area.
For five years, the Space Bushes
held the Interstation trophy,
but this could be the year
I finally beat Tanner
and win that milk can.
Aw, when I feel that milk
pour over my body,
it'll be like
I'm born again as a champion.
I need you boys
to race for me.
Okay.
Okay.
Why are we here?
Uh, you're the pit crew.
How are we gonna be
the pit crew?
This is crazy.
Are we gonna get trained?
Ha ha. You think
I haven't thought of that?
Meet Hans and Lars.
They're our best racers,
or at least they were
until you guys
beat their high score
in the racing simulator.
[GERMAN ACCENT] What?
These nobodies beat our score?
That's impossible.
Well,
it was an accident.
Yeah, we didn't know
it was gonna be that easy.
Easy?
Did you say easy?
Aw, now,
don't get all sour, Larsy.
Everyone loses their edge
at some point.
Edge? We have edge.
Yeah, look at the edges.
We were born to race.
And that's why
you're gonna teach
Mordecai, Rigby, and their crew
everything you know.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Nein, nein.
We do not teach.
Well, you certainly haven't
brought home the milk can
for me in years,
so I think it's time
to try something new.
Rawls, wait.
Just get 'em ready
for the big race.
Hoo-ah.
So, what's first?
What's first is us.
We are always first.
Get it through
your little head.
We have better things to do
than babysit you babies.
Yeah, my cappuccino's
now cold,
and it's going to
take me a while
to make a new one. Sorry.
Okay.
I've always hated
hotshot racers.
Well,
what are we gonna do?
I mean, video simulators
are one thing,
but I have no idea what to do
with this big hunk of metal.
Well, I can teach you.
ALL: Toothpick Sally?
Were you under there
the whole time?
Yeah. I grew up
around these tracks.
And first of all,
they're not big hunks of metal.
They're BHM racers.
That's lesson one.
Now, if you do what I say,
I can get you up to speed.
Yeah, but aren't Hans and Lars,
like, the best racers ever?
Yeah, well,
who do you think taught them?
Was it you?
Yes.
Let's just get started.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah. Whoo.
Awesome.
They're ready.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
the Interstation 5000
sponsored by
Anderson Farms Dairy.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
That's your best team,
huh, Rawls?
We're getting that can
back to the Space Tree, Tanner.
That milk is gonna be
all over my body.
Huh. Looks like
the Space Bush is a no-show.
Howdy, losers.
What the heck? You guys
work for the Space Tree.
Not anymore. We're racing for
Herr Tanner now. Hee hee.
Tanner. You lousy--
May the best team win.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
It's the moment
you've been waiting for, folks.
Racer roll call.
BOTH: Space Tree, check.
BOTH: Space Rock, check.
BOTH: Space Flower, check.
BOTH: Space Mushroom, hai.
BOTH: Space Bush, check.
BOTH: Space Log, check.
Anti one straight four.
Anti one straight four, check.
Initiate track rail gun.
[BEEP]
Aah.
Aah.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Turn's coming up.
Open right.
Open right, check.
Looks like Hans and Lars
of Space Bush
have taken the immediate lead
while racers from
Log and Mushroom
try to close the gap.
Aah.
Aah.
Ha ha. Hey, Jolene,
we got some tree boys over here.
Looks like
they could use an arborist.
[CACKLES]
[SCREAMS]
[ALL GASP]
We're losing ground.
Huh?
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Rigby,
what's over this hill?
I don't know.
It's just a bunch of blobs.
Battening shield.
Battening shield check.
Takeshi. Tate.
Tate.
Dude, do we have a shield?
I don't know.
I don't see a button for it.
What's one little hole, right?
Asteroid field.
Asteroid field.
Fix the hole.
Fix the hole.
With what?
I don't know.
Just fix it.
Keep it still.
[GASPS]
[BEEPING]
[BEEPING]
I got it.
What'd you do?
I didn't do anything.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[ALL GASP]
Pit crew to your stations.
Mordecai and Rigby,
stand by.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Entering atmosphere.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Where's that pit ship?
Right here.
[SCREAMS]
Ow. Huh?
It's Hans and Lars'
ratchet bot.
They've been sabotaging you
this whole time.
We're getting too close
to the surface.
We got to get out of here.
Prepare for core dive.
Core dive, check.
Aah.
Wow, those guys
are really not living anymore.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Oh.
Other racers coming up.
Car insurance.
Car insurance, check.
BOTH: Aah.
Ach.
ANNOUNCER: Well, folks,
looks like they've gone so deep
inside the planet's crust,
we've lost the signal.
Nothing to do now
but see who comes out
the other side for the win.
Come on. Come on.
Core coming up.
We need more speed.
I'm ejecting the body,
I think.
Dudes, why are you
being such jerks?
You think you just
get to come into space,
beat us at the simulator,
zen expect us to train you
to replace us?
Zis is about you und us.
BOTH: Aah.
[BOTH GROAN]
Rigby, how'd we beat their score
in the simulator?
Good question,
Mordecai.
Didn't we use
a speed stick and win?
I don't remember.
Let's find out.
[BOTH SCREAM]
We're getting close
to the finish line.
Uhh.
More speed.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
Faster, Rigby.
[BOTH GROAN]
O-O-Okay.
Uhh.
[BANG BANG]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Finish line is coming up.
Gravity's pulling us back in.
We won't get to the surface.
Our car is lighter than theirs.
We can make it.
Go. Get out there.
All right, getting out there,
check.
Gaah.
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
Uhh.
Huh.
Huh?
Huh?
Nein!
Nein!
[CHEERING]
Whoa.
Yeah, whoo.
[LAUGHS]
Congratulations, boys.
You did a great job out there.
BOTH: Thank you, sir.
Now let's par-tay.
[GASPS]
[GROWLS]
[BOTH GASP]
[ALL GASP]
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGH]
Yes, yes, all over my body.
Oh, so smooth.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Okay, last lap of the race.
Right turn
coming up on the radar.
Doin' it.
Boost me.
[♪♪♪]
BOTH: Whoa.
What do you think you're doing?
Uh...
Uh...
How many times
do I have to explain
what "Authorized Personnel Only"
means?
Are you authorized personnel,
boys? Are you?
BOTH: No, sir. Sorry, sir.
Now get down and give me 50.
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Is what I would've said
if you hadn't have gotten
the highest score
in "Space Racer Deluxe"
I've ever seen.
You mean
that video game?
That isn't a video game, boys.
It's a racing simulator
for the Station Racing League.
The Interstation 5000,
an annual competition
between all the stations
in the area.
For five years, the Space Bushes
held the Interstation trophy,
but this could be the year
I finally beat Tanner
and win that milk can.
Aw, when I feel that milk
pour over my body,
it'll be like
I'm born again as a champion.
I need you boys
to race for me.
Okay.
Okay.
Why are we here?
Uh, you're the pit crew.
How are we gonna be
the pit crew?
This is crazy.
Are we gonna get trained?
Ha ha. You think
I haven't thought of that?
Meet Hans and Lars.
They're our best racers,
or at least they were
until you guys
beat their high score
in the racing simulator.
[GERMAN ACCENT] What?
These nobodies beat our score?
That's impossible.
Well,
it was an accident.
Yeah, we didn't know
it was gonna be that easy.
Easy?
Did you say easy?
Aw, now,
don't get all sour, Larsy.
Everyone loses their edge
at some point.
Edge? We have edge.
Yeah, look at the edges.
We were born to race.
And that's why
you're gonna teach
Mordecai, Rigby, and their crew
everything you know.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Nein, nein.
We do not teach.
Well, you certainly haven't
brought home the milk can
for me in years,
so I think it's time
to try something new.
Rawls, wait.
Just get 'em ready
for the big race.
Hoo-ah.
So, what's first?
What's first is us.
We are always first.
Get it through
your little head.
We have better things to do
than babysit you babies.
Yeah, my cappuccino's
now cold,
and it's going to
take me a while
to make a new one. Sorry.
Okay.
I've always hated
hotshot racers.
Well,
what are we gonna do?
I mean, video simulators
are one thing,
but I have no idea what to do
with this big hunk of metal.
Well, I can teach you.
ALL: Toothpick Sally?
Were you under there
the whole time?
Yeah. I grew up
around these tracks.
And first of all,
they're not big hunks of metal.
They're BHM racers.
That's lesson one.
Now, if you do what I say,
I can get you up to speed.
Yeah, but aren't Hans and Lars,
like, the best racers ever?
Yeah, well,
who do you think taught them?
Was it you?
Yes.
Let's just get started.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah. Whoo.
Awesome.
They're ready.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
the Interstation 5000
sponsored by
Anderson Farms Dairy.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
That's your best team,
huh, Rawls?
We're getting that can
back to the Space Tree, Tanner.
That milk is gonna be
all over my body.
Huh. Looks like
the Space Bush is a no-show.
Howdy, losers.
What the heck? You guys
work for the Space Tree.
Not anymore. We're racing for
Herr Tanner now. Hee hee.
Tanner. You lousy--
May the best team win.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
It's the moment
you've been waiting for, folks.
Racer roll call.
BOTH: Space Tree, check.
BOTH: Space Rock, check.
BOTH: Space Flower, check.
BOTH: Space Mushroom, hai.
BOTH: Space Bush, check.
BOTH: Space Log, check.
Anti one straight four.
Anti one straight four, check.
Initiate track rail gun.
[BEEP]
Aah.
Aah.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Turn's coming up.
Open right.
Open right, check.
Looks like Hans and Lars
of Space Bush
have taken the immediate lead
while racers from
Log and Mushroom
try to close the gap.
Aah.
Aah.
Ha ha. Hey, Jolene,
we got some tree boys over here.
Looks like
they could use an arborist.
[CACKLES]
[SCREAMS]
[ALL GASP]
We're losing ground.
Huh?
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Rigby,
what's over this hill?
I don't know.
It's just a bunch of blobs.
Battening shield.
Battening shield check.
Takeshi. Tate.
Tate.
Dude, do we have a shield?
I don't know.
I don't see a button for it.
What's one little hole, right?
Asteroid field.
Asteroid field.
Fix the hole.
Fix the hole.
With what?
I don't know.
Just fix it.
Keep it still.
[GASPS]
[BEEPING]
[BEEPING]
I got it.
What'd you do?
I didn't do anything.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[ALL GASP]
Pit crew to your stations.
Mordecai and Rigby,
stand by.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Entering atmosphere.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Where's that pit ship?
Right here.
[SCREAMS]
Ow. Huh?
It's Hans and Lars'
ratchet bot.
They've been sabotaging you
this whole time.
We're getting too close
to the surface.
We got to get out of here.
Prepare for core dive.
Core dive, check.
Aah.
Wow, those guys
are really not living anymore.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Oh.
Other racers coming up.
Car insurance.
Car insurance, check.
BOTH: Aah.
Ach.
ANNOUNCER: Well, folks,
looks like they've gone so deep
inside the planet's crust,
we've lost the signal.
Nothing to do now
but see who comes out
the other side for the win.
Come on. Come on.
Core coming up.
We need more speed.
I'm ejecting the body,
I think.
Dudes, why are you
being such jerks?
You think you just
get to come into space,
beat us at the simulator,
zen expect us to train you
to replace us?
Zis is about you und us.
BOTH: Aah.
[BOTH GROAN]
Rigby, how'd we beat their score
in the simulator?
Good question,
Mordecai.
Didn't we use
a speed stick and win?
I don't remember.
Let's find out.
[BOTH SCREAM]
We're getting close
to the finish line.
Uhh.
More speed.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
Faster, Rigby.
[BOTH GROAN]
O-O-Okay.
Uhh.
[BANG BANG]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Finish line is coming up.
Gravity's pulling us back in.
We won't get to the surface.
Our car is lighter than theirs.
We can make it.
Go. Get out there.
All right, getting out there,
check.
Gaah.
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
Uhh.
Huh.
Huh?
Huh?
Nein!
Nein!
[CHEERING]
Whoa.
Yeah, whoo.
[LAUGHS]
Congratulations, boys.
You did a great job out there.
BOTH: Thank you, sir.
Now let's par-tay.
[GASPS]
[GROWLS]
[BOTH GASP]
[ALL GASP]
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGH]
Yes, yes, all over my body.
Oh, so smooth.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]