Regular Show (2009–2017): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Eileen Plan - full transcript
Rigby goes back to High School to study rocks, but wants to keep it a secret from Eileen.
[♪♪♪]
[MORDECAI LAUGHS]
Wait, wait, wait.
Yo, Rigby, what does this
remind you of?
[SNORING]
What?
Your 7th-grade Science project
on which pizza box
makes the best pillow.
What?
Dude,
I made groundbreaking
discoveries with that project.
Come on, Rigby.
We've all done
embarrassing stuff.
You know,
when I was a kid,
I used to peel the pepperoni off
of pizza and eat it separately.
[CHUCKLES]
Geez.
Hmm. Okay.
That's not really
that embarrassing, Margaret.
I mean,
if you want embarrassing,
there's this manifesto
I wrote in 6th grade.
Wait,
I think I still have it.
[CLATTERING]
Here it is!
"The Eileen Plan."
Oh, wow.
MARGARET:
"I, Eileen Roberts,
do hereby swear to
accomplish the following
by the end of my first quarter
century on planet Earth."
"One: Lower age
of presidential
eligibility to 25.
Two: Achieve presidency."
[LAUGHTER]
Tell me, how's it
coming with those?
Hey, I've still
got time.
Yeah, you can totally
do that stuff
by the time you're 44.
What?
No, a quarter century
is 25 years.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I knew that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Number three:
Marry someone brilliant,
preferably with several
pants under his belt"?
"Patents."
Oh, "patents."
"But just super smart
is okay, too"?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, man!
I don't even know
anyone like that,
much less
am I married to him.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, pretty funny.
"Number four:
Eliminate allergic
responses to peanuts."
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Hey, Mordecai?
[SNORING]
Hey, Mordecai?
[SNORING]
Hey, Mordecai.
Ah, what?
You think I'm dumb?
Yes.
[SNORING]
Okay. I thought so.
I was just checking.
[GROANS]
No, you're not dumb.
I was just kidding.
You're...smart?
In your own way?
Dude,
where's this coming from?
You've always been cool
with being dumb.
It's just...
[SIGHS]
The Eileen Plan.
Even if I was smart
in my own way,
which I'm not,
I'm still not brilliant.
I have zero patents
or pants.
You're overreacting,
man.
Eileen doesn't care
about that stuff anymore.
but she doesn't know I didn't
graduate from high school.
if I'm ever gonna be the
brilliant guy of her dreams,
that's the least I can do.
PRINCIPAL DEAN:
Let me get this.
You, an adult,
want to enroll
at this school
so you can get
your diploma
because you're
currently too dumb.
Pretty much, yeah.
Not a chance, Rigby.
You put me through enough grief
the first time you went here.
Oh, come on,
Principal Dean!
I know I screwed up
in high school,
but I swear
I've changed.
[GROANS]
Fine.
I shouldn't
do this, but...
Hmm...
You still need
three classes to graduate.
A Science, a Phys Ed,
and a Language.
Choose one to start,
and I suggest
you be realistic.
I will.
Thanks, Principal Dean.
You won't
regret this.
So, what do you think?
Hmm...
Oh, dude, perfect.
Intro to Geology. Remember?
Not really.
"Rocks for jocks."
"No one ever fails."
Oh, yeah.
All athletes took it 'cause
it was basically a free pass.
Piece of cake.
I'll do it.
You're not worried
about hanging out
with jocks
all semester?
Nah, I'm gonna rule
that place like a king.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS,
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Settle down,
class.
We've got a returning
student with us today.
Rigby, would you like
to come to the front
and introduce yourself?
Hey, dudes, let
me rap to you about--
[GRUNTS]
'Sup? I'm Rigby, but my friends
call me Rigbone.
You guys have actually
probably heard of me.
I used to go to this school.
Oh, yeah.
My older brother used to
push you around in gym class.
Didn't you flunk out?
N-no.
Yeah, right.
[LAUGHTER]
Whatever!
I only came back here
to prove something
to my girlfriend, anyway.
Oh, cool.
Is she a 100-year-old
dropout, too?
No. She's super cool
and, like, a genius.
You're old.
Aiden,
Braeden, Jayden!
Behave yourself, or you
won't pass this class.
Mrs. Kessler, nobody's
ever failed your class.
That's true.
Okay.
So, from last week,
who knows what this is called?
MRS. KESSLER:
And remember,
we ruled out rock hole.
Ohh!
[LAUGHTER]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Wow. You never
studied this hard
when you were actually
in high school.
Failure's not
an option, dude.
If Eileen wants
someone brilliant,
she's gonna get
someone brilliant.
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Hey, Eileen.
Ohh,
that was tonight?
Aah.
Sorry, I can't.
Uh...because...
Mordecai got dumped again.
That guy, right?
Dude, what the...?
Shh.
Yeah, it's real
touch-and-go right now.
He needs
my support.
We're still on
for Friday, though!
The big dance thing
we planned for months!
Got to go.
See ya!
[GROANS]
That's the third thing I've
had to turn down this week.
Dude, just tell her
the truth.
Not until
I'm brilliant.
[ROCK CLACKS]
You hear that?
I heard it,
Mrs. K.
I'm sure everyone did,
but thanks for
responding, Rigby.
Well, anyway,
the hollow sound
is how you can tell
if a rock is a geode.
Look at that.
Gorgeous.
We'll see
plenty of these
on our field trip
friday night.
Um...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me.
What field trip?
The spelunking field trip--
The second requirement
for this class.
Um,
what's the first?
The big test
that everyone passes.
So basically,
all you have to do
is show up for
the field trip, and you'll pass.
But I have a big date
with my girlfriend that night.
I'm just saying
if you want to pass,
you got to show up
to the cave.
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Hey, Rigby!
you ready for our date tonight?
The modern dance
U.S.A. troupe
only comes through town
once a year,
and this year,
they're letting
the audience participate.
Aah!
This is so special!
Unprecedented,
and will never be repeated.
[COUGHS]
Are you okay?
I'm not feeling so hot,
Eileen.
I can bring you
some lozenges.
No, I don't eat shellfish.
I'm sorry. I think
I better stay in tonight,
take care of the old rig-bod.
Can we reschedule
for tomorrow?
The dance troupe
is only here one night.
[HACKING]
But yeah,
of course.
Get some rest.
Thanks. I will.
See you tomorrow.
[GROANS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
You sure you can
handle this, old man Rigby?
Yeah, it's pretty
dark in there.
Ooooh!
I'll be fine. I'm friends
with a caveman-- Greg.
Oh, okay.
Greg the caveman.
[LAUGHTER]
Leave
Rigby alone.
He's just trying
to get an education.
Let's try to stay
focused, huh?
It's easy to fall down a cave
hole but harder to come out.
Getting stuck
in the cave
wouldn't prevent you
from passing the class
but could prevent you
from being alive.
Anyway,
follow me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, hey, Eileen.
Rigby's not back from his
field trip to the cave yet.
He's...not home sick?
No, I think
the class...
uh...
The class of...
illness he has involves
an addiction to caves?
So he's at a cave now.
Heh.
I see.
You're not buying this.
No.
Then can I have the soup?
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
That was 150,000 years old!
[CHUCKLES]
Cool.
ALL:
Sports! Sports! Sports!
[SCOFFS]
Go back to playing
with your stalactites,
you dumb jocks.
[LAUGHTER]
You remind me of my Dad.
He's funny and old.
Oh, yeah, he's so old,
and he's so funny.
[GASPS] Eileen?!
Rigby!
How did the old man
land such a mega babe?
[CHUCKLES]
Well...no!
You know, I don't like
being lied to by my boyfriend!
I missed the dance show
to bring you soup!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Eileen!
Wait!
[GRUNTS]
Not so fast,
Rigby.
But I have to
get my girlfriend!
Just saying, if you want
to pass this class--
Passing doesn't matter
if I don't have Eileen.
[PANTING]
[♪♪♪]
Hold up!
[WHIMPERS]
Eileen?
Come out and talk to me!
EILEEN:
Go away, Rigby!
Lying to me
for weeks
so you can sit around in a cave
with high-school kids?
You might as well just
leave me here to--
[SCREAMING]
Eileen!
Eileen,
are you okay?!
Did you
fall down the rock hole?
I'm okay, but it's
pitch-black down here.
I don't know how to get out.
I'm coming down.
Actually, it would be better
if you went to get help.
[RIGBY SCREAMS]
Ohh.
Eileen,
I can explain.
I was going to the hospital,
but I got lost.
Rigby, I know you're not sick!
Just tell me the truth.
RIGBY:
[SIGHS]
Okay.
I'm not just hanging out
in a cave with teens for fun.
I...
I never graduated
from high school.
EILEEN:
Really?
This cave thing
is just for school credit
so I can graduate
and get my diploma.
I never cared
until I saw The Eileen Plan,
but now
all I can think about
is how you're gonna be
the president,
and I'm just gonna be
some jerk you used to date.
EILEEN:
But I don't need
a genius.
I like you
just the way you are.
RIGBY: Yeah?
EILEEN: Yeah.
BOTH:
Ohh! Ohh!
EILEEN:
What are we gonna do?
It's way too dark
to find a way out.
RIGBY:
Hmm... I've got an idea.
No.
Rigby, are you digging?
It sounds like
you're digging.
You know caves are already
underground, right?
RIGBY: Aha!
Here!
EILEEN: It's pointy. What is it?
It's quartz.
Now I just need...
Ohh!
Pentlandite!
Ha!
It worked!
Still not
enough light.
What now?
Shh.
Listen.
[ROCK THUDS]
It's hollow.
Uh-huh.
And check this out.
Ooh!
Purple geode
with jasper banding.
Classy.
Thanks.
Now, if I...
Uh, here we go.
[♪♪♪]
Wow! It's...
Gorgeous.
Rigby, look.
[♪♪♪]
Rigby, that was
pretty amazing.
Yeah.
I like this feeling.
You know, even if I might
never be brilliant,
I still want
to get my diploma...
For you
and for me.
I respect that.
Um, hey, Eileen?
Yeah?
Can I try something
when we're walking out?
Okay.
They're dead
for sure.
Oh, the Principal's gonna
have my head for this.
Look!
[♪♪♪]
Yeah!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[♪♪♪]
I know everyone passes this
class, but Rigby just aced it.
EILEEN:
I get to carry you
next time.
Deal.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[♪♪♪]
[MORDECAI LAUGHS]
Wait, wait, wait.
Yo, Rigby, what does this
remind you of?
[SNORING]
What?
Your 7th-grade Science project
on which pizza box
makes the best pillow.
What?
Dude,
I made groundbreaking
discoveries with that project.
Come on, Rigby.
We've all done
embarrassing stuff.
You know,
when I was a kid,
I used to peel the pepperoni off
of pizza and eat it separately.
[CHUCKLES]
Geez.
Hmm. Okay.
That's not really
that embarrassing, Margaret.
I mean,
if you want embarrassing,
there's this manifesto
I wrote in 6th grade.
Wait,
I think I still have it.
[CLATTERING]
Here it is!
"The Eileen Plan."
Oh, wow.
MARGARET:
"I, Eileen Roberts,
do hereby swear to
accomplish the following
by the end of my first quarter
century on planet Earth."
"One: Lower age
of presidential
eligibility to 25.
Two: Achieve presidency."
[LAUGHTER]
Tell me, how's it
coming with those?
Hey, I've still
got time.
Yeah, you can totally
do that stuff
by the time you're 44.
What?
No, a quarter century
is 25 years.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I knew that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Number three:
Marry someone brilliant,
preferably with several
pants under his belt"?
"Patents."
Oh, "patents."
"But just super smart
is okay, too"?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, man!
I don't even know
anyone like that,
much less
am I married to him.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, pretty funny.
"Number four:
Eliminate allergic
responses to peanuts."
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Hey, Mordecai?
[SNORING]
Hey, Mordecai?
[SNORING]
Hey, Mordecai.
Ah, what?
You think I'm dumb?
Yes.
[SNORING]
Okay. I thought so.
I was just checking.
[GROANS]
No, you're not dumb.
I was just kidding.
You're...smart?
In your own way?
Dude,
where's this coming from?
You've always been cool
with being dumb.
It's just...
[SIGHS]
The Eileen Plan.
Even if I was smart
in my own way,
which I'm not,
I'm still not brilliant.
I have zero patents
or pants.
You're overreacting,
man.
Eileen doesn't care
about that stuff anymore.
but she doesn't know I didn't
graduate from high school.
if I'm ever gonna be the
brilliant guy of her dreams,
that's the least I can do.
PRINCIPAL DEAN:
Let me get this.
You, an adult,
want to enroll
at this school
so you can get
your diploma
because you're
currently too dumb.
Pretty much, yeah.
Not a chance, Rigby.
You put me through enough grief
the first time you went here.
Oh, come on,
Principal Dean!
I know I screwed up
in high school,
but I swear
I've changed.
[GROANS]
Fine.
I shouldn't
do this, but...
Hmm...
You still need
three classes to graduate.
A Science, a Phys Ed,
and a Language.
Choose one to start,
and I suggest
you be realistic.
I will.
Thanks, Principal Dean.
You won't
regret this.
So, what do you think?
Hmm...
Oh, dude, perfect.
Intro to Geology. Remember?
Not really.
"Rocks for jocks."
"No one ever fails."
Oh, yeah.
All athletes took it 'cause
it was basically a free pass.
Piece of cake.
I'll do it.
You're not worried
about hanging out
with jocks
all semester?
Nah, I'm gonna rule
that place like a king.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS,
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Settle down,
class.
We've got a returning
student with us today.
Rigby, would you like
to come to the front
and introduce yourself?
Hey, dudes, let
me rap to you about--
[GRUNTS]
'Sup? I'm Rigby, but my friends
call me Rigbone.
You guys have actually
probably heard of me.
I used to go to this school.
Oh, yeah.
My older brother used to
push you around in gym class.
Didn't you flunk out?
N-no.
Yeah, right.
[LAUGHTER]
Whatever!
I only came back here
to prove something
to my girlfriend, anyway.
Oh, cool.
Is she a 100-year-old
dropout, too?
No. She's super cool
and, like, a genius.
You're old.
Aiden,
Braeden, Jayden!
Behave yourself, or you
won't pass this class.
Mrs. Kessler, nobody's
ever failed your class.
That's true.
Okay.
So, from last week,
who knows what this is called?
MRS. KESSLER:
And remember,
we ruled out rock hole.
Ohh!
[LAUGHTER]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Wow. You never
studied this hard
when you were actually
in high school.
Failure's not
an option, dude.
If Eileen wants
someone brilliant,
she's gonna get
someone brilliant.
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Hey, Eileen.
Ohh,
that was tonight?
Aah.
Sorry, I can't.
Uh...because...
Mordecai got dumped again.
That guy, right?
Dude, what the...?
Shh.
Yeah, it's real
touch-and-go right now.
He needs
my support.
We're still on
for Friday, though!
The big dance thing
we planned for months!
Got to go.
See ya!
[GROANS]
That's the third thing I've
had to turn down this week.
Dude, just tell her
the truth.
Not until
I'm brilliant.
[ROCK CLACKS]
You hear that?
I heard it,
Mrs. K.
I'm sure everyone did,
but thanks for
responding, Rigby.
Well, anyway,
the hollow sound
is how you can tell
if a rock is a geode.
Look at that.
Gorgeous.
We'll see
plenty of these
on our field trip
friday night.
Um...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me.
What field trip?
The spelunking field trip--
The second requirement
for this class.
Um,
what's the first?
The big test
that everyone passes.
So basically,
all you have to do
is show up for
the field trip, and you'll pass.
But I have a big date
with my girlfriend that night.
I'm just saying
if you want to pass,
you got to show up
to the cave.
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Hey, Rigby!
you ready for our date tonight?
The modern dance
U.S.A. troupe
only comes through town
once a year,
and this year,
they're letting
the audience participate.
Aah!
This is so special!
Unprecedented,
and will never be repeated.
[COUGHS]
Are you okay?
I'm not feeling so hot,
Eileen.
I can bring you
some lozenges.
No, I don't eat shellfish.
I'm sorry. I think
I better stay in tonight,
take care of the old rig-bod.
Can we reschedule
for tomorrow?
The dance troupe
is only here one night.
[HACKING]
But yeah,
of course.
Get some rest.
Thanks. I will.
See you tomorrow.
[GROANS]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
You sure you can
handle this, old man Rigby?
Yeah, it's pretty
dark in there.
Ooooh!
I'll be fine. I'm friends
with a caveman-- Greg.
Oh, okay.
Greg the caveman.
[LAUGHTER]
Leave
Rigby alone.
He's just trying
to get an education.
Let's try to stay
focused, huh?
It's easy to fall down a cave
hole but harder to come out.
Getting stuck
in the cave
wouldn't prevent you
from passing the class
but could prevent you
from being alive.
Anyway,
follow me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, hey, Eileen.
Rigby's not back from his
field trip to the cave yet.
He's...not home sick?
No, I think
the class...
uh...
The class of...
illness he has involves
an addiction to caves?
So he's at a cave now.
Heh.
I see.
You're not buying this.
No.
Then can I have the soup?
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
That was 150,000 years old!
[CHUCKLES]
Cool.
ALL:
Sports! Sports! Sports!
[SCOFFS]
Go back to playing
with your stalactites,
you dumb jocks.
[LAUGHTER]
You remind me of my Dad.
He's funny and old.
Oh, yeah, he's so old,
and he's so funny.
[GASPS] Eileen?!
Rigby!
How did the old man
land such a mega babe?
[CHUCKLES]
Well...no!
You know, I don't like
being lied to by my boyfriend!
I missed the dance show
to bring you soup!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Eileen!
Wait!
[GRUNTS]
Not so fast,
Rigby.
But I have to
get my girlfriend!
Just saying, if you want
to pass this class--
Passing doesn't matter
if I don't have Eileen.
[PANTING]
[♪♪♪]
Hold up!
[WHIMPERS]
Eileen?
Come out and talk to me!
EILEEN:
Go away, Rigby!
Lying to me
for weeks
so you can sit around in a cave
with high-school kids?
You might as well just
leave me here to--
[SCREAMING]
Eileen!
Eileen,
are you okay?!
Did you
fall down the rock hole?
I'm okay, but it's
pitch-black down here.
I don't know how to get out.
I'm coming down.
Actually, it would be better
if you went to get help.
[RIGBY SCREAMS]
Ohh.
Eileen,
I can explain.
I was going to the hospital,
but I got lost.
Rigby, I know you're not sick!
Just tell me the truth.
RIGBY:
[SIGHS]
Okay.
I'm not just hanging out
in a cave with teens for fun.
I...
I never graduated
from high school.
EILEEN:
Really?
This cave thing
is just for school credit
so I can graduate
and get my diploma.
I never cared
until I saw The Eileen Plan,
but now
all I can think about
is how you're gonna be
the president,
and I'm just gonna be
some jerk you used to date.
EILEEN:
But I don't need
a genius.
I like you
just the way you are.
RIGBY: Yeah?
EILEEN: Yeah.
BOTH:
Ohh! Ohh!
EILEEN:
What are we gonna do?
It's way too dark
to find a way out.
RIGBY:
Hmm... I've got an idea.
No.
Rigby, are you digging?
It sounds like
you're digging.
You know caves are already
underground, right?
RIGBY: Aha!
Here!
EILEEN: It's pointy. What is it?
It's quartz.
Now I just need...
Ohh!
Pentlandite!
Ha!
It worked!
Still not
enough light.
What now?
Shh.
Listen.
[ROCK THUDS]
It's hollow.
Uh-huh.
And check this out.
Ooh!
Purple geode
with jasper banding.
Classy.
Thanks.
Now, if I...
Uh, here we go.
[♪♪♪]
Wow! It's...
Gorgeous.
Rigby, look.
[♪♪♪]
Rigby, that was
pretty amazing.
Yeah.
I like this feeling.
You know, even if I might
never be brilliant,
I still want
to get my diploma...
For you
and for me.
I respect that.
Um, hey, Eileen?
Yeah?
Can I try something
when we're walking out?
Okay.
They're dead
for sure.
Oh, the Principal's gonna
have my head for this.
Look!
[♪♪♪]
Yeah!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[♪♪♪]
I know everyone passes this
class, but Rigby just aced it.
EILEEN:
I get to carry you
next time.
Deal.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[♪♪♪]