Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - Red vs. Blue: Recreation - full transcript

(waves crashing)

(upbeat music)

- Attention, Blue Team!

This is the Red Team.

We are here to destroy you.

Your long reign of being the
shittiest team around is about

to come to a sudden cataclysmic end!

We will give you a few moments
to soak in the horror of this

announcement, and then
return for your reaction.

Be right back!

(chuckles)



All right. That ought to
scare the bejesus out of them.

- Actually, sir, since it's
just one of them over there,

and the one is an idiot,

- I don't really see the point
in psychological warfare.

- You're right, Simmons!

It's not really accurate to
refer to one person as a team.

What's better?

Blue person?

Blue man?

Bluetonian?

- What I meant was-

- Bluetard.

- What I meant was,

I don't see the point in announcing to him



that we're going to attack.

Why don't we just do it?

- There's an order to this, Simmons.

We can't abandon protocol just
because we have an advantage.

We have to give him a chance
to see the errors of his Blue

ways, to lay down his arms,
and meet his fellow men at the

table of peace, where we can work together

towards a better world.

A world that's better because
we poisoned his food at that

table and stabbed him in
the eye with a fork and

taken all his stuff.

- Dibs on the computers.

- Noted.

Now, watch that base. Tell
me if anything changes.

- Yes, sir. And, sir?

- Yes, Simmons.

- I just want to say I'm glad
I was here to see you on your

day of victory.

It's been a long time coming.

- Yes, it has, hasn't it?

My skills as a leader
have really taken us far.

It must have been quite
an honor to serve with me.

Aah.

OK, glad we had this talk.

- Are you glad I'm here, too, Sarge?

- Of course, I am.

- I knew it. I just need-

- The squad's kill death
ratio is the most important

measurement when evaluating sergeants!

If you had died, that
would have hurt my numbers.

- (sniffs) Glad I could help.

- It's critical to keep a
little padding in our stats.

That way, if we're far enough
ahead, I can stab Grif in the

face and still stay in the lead.

- You know, I'm standing right here.

- Right where I want you,
within face-stabbing range.

(radio static)

- Lopez, how are those
vehicle repairs coming?

- Got an ETA.

- As long as I get it ASAP
because I need it PDQ!

- Lopez, you're a regular
RFR, Really Fast Robot.

Grif! Make a note in the acronym journal.

Simmons, status report!

- Still just one Blue, sir.

- Lopez, status report!

- Hey, Blue!

Don't think we've forgotten about you!

Still going to kill you any second!

Count on it!

- Sarge, have you thought this
invasion all the way through?

- Of course, I have! We beat the Blues!

We win. You suck.

That's the whole way through.

- Euh, and who do we fight then?

- We fight, err, other Blues!

- But what if no more Blues come?

I mean, they haven't
sent reinforcements yet.

What if they never do?

- Why would you want more Blues?

- Well, we have this new base
and all this new equipment.

Who else are we going to test it on?

- Who cares? The war would be over!

- Oh, great.

- You're suggesting we don't attack them?

Grif, that's borderline traitorism!

- I think the word you're
looking for is "treason," sir.

- Never mind, Sarge. I was wrong.

If the war is over and we
win, well, that's just great.

- Of course, it would be.

- I mean, no more early morning runs,

no more training exercises.

Why would we need to do
any of that stuff, right?

We won!

- Right.

- And all this new
equipment, we can just let

it fall into disrepair.

I mean, we don't need it.

We won't even need to test
it because we're winning.

We're about to make it all obsolete.

(grunts)

And just think about this,
Sarge, no more boring staff

meetings, ever.

- Uh, huh?

Hey, Blue!

There's, uh, going to be
a slight delay in your

destruction.

Hang tight!

Maybe I should call our new Command.

They'll tell us what we should do.

- Yeah, the old one was so
great, the new one's got to be

even better.

- Command! Come in, Command.

This is Blood Gulch Outpost,
er, wait, I mean, Simmons,

what's the name of this place again?

- Valhalla.

- Valhaldaget, jangocaulit, thingie.

Outpost Number 1, do you read?

Come in, I need advisement on
what to do about Blue Team!

- What are you doing?

- What do you mean "what am I doing"?

- We have one enemy here.

We can milk this for years.

- No, Blue Team.

"Blue."

- If we beat them,
Command will just send us

to some new base, where we
have to fight a real team.

- So?

- So do you want to fight one shitty enemy

or five real enemies.

- B-L-U-E. Blue.

Try looking under "Suck It."

- You want to help you
subtract one from five?

I know that's tough for you.

- Shut up.

- Hey, guys.

- What are you doing here?

- Just getting parts
from the crashed ship.

What are you guys up to?

- We're deciding whether
or not to kill you

and wipe out your team forever.

- Ah, that's tough.

- We're kind of split on
the decision right now.

- Do I get a vote?

- No! Get back to your base.

Stop wandering around during
your defeat. It's confusing.

- Oh, OK. Sorry.

- And what are you working on?

- Still not telling you.

- Hello? Hello!

Hello? They hung up on me.

- Why?

- They said they didn't even
have record of a Blue Team.

Nothing on Blues at all
on their computer system.

- Oh.

Ohhh.

- What?

- We deleted them, remember?

From Command computers. We wiped them out.

- We did?

- Yeah. Don't you remember?

- Oh, right.

Simmons, execute the Hypotenuse Initiative

and delete the Blues.

(beeps)
- Done.

The Blues now never existed.

I also upgraded your pay
scales while I was at it.

- Well deserved.

- Yeah, we win!

(gunshot bangs)

- Blarg, I'm dead.

But that's OK.

I don't deserve to enjoy victory.

My life has meant nothing.

- What a great day!

Simmons, transform to motorcycle mode.

- You got it, sir.

Choop-choop, choop-choop, choop.

Beep, beep.

- Let's get out of here.

(motorcycle engine revs)

Yee-haw!

- I wish I was on the Red Team.

Don't you, Jenkins?

- Absolutely.

- That's not what happened?

- Of course, it is.

- Then how am I still alive?

- I ask myself that question everyday.

Moto-Simmons, run him over!

- Then there was a time we got a tank.

At first no one knew how to
drive it, but then there was a

big fight and my team got in trouble.

So I talked to the tank.

She was really nice.

You're really going to like her.

Anyway, the team was in
trouble, and I had to use the

tank to drive out there and help them.

Well, help most of them, but some of them.

OK, let's just say this, I
drove the tank and some people

got helped, and some other
people didn't get out.

Details aren't really important.

- Grif, where the hell are you?

Grif!

Grif?

Grif!

Come on!

- I'm in here!

- Where are you?

Grif, I need you.

- In here! In the base!

- I can't hear you!

Get out here.

- OK, damn.

What is it?

- Where's Simmons?

- Simmons?

If you wanted Simmons, why
didn't you yell like a lunatic

for Simmons?

- Dammit, Grif!

I entrust you with one duty,
and that's to know exactly

where Simmons is at all
times so I can find him.

Simmons watches Donut.

Donut watches me!

- Yeah, who watches me?

- Nobody.

You move less than Donut does.

Now, where's Simmons?

- I don't know.

He's downstairs in your
hologram simulatron or

whatever the hell you call it.

- Excellent work, Private Grif.

- Wow. Thank you, sir.

- I'm going to recommend
you for a big, shiny medal.

- OK, you're being sarcastic
right now, aren't you?

- Oh, absolutely.

Wait, was your question sarcastic?

- Who knows? Probably?

Unless, wait,

are you being sarcastic
right now by asking that?

(grunts)

- Maybe we should drop this conversation.

- Yeah.

- What's Simmons doing downstairs?

- Sorry, not in my job description!

(grunts)

I'll ask him myself.

Simmons, there you are!

I've been looking everywhere for you.

- Really? Sorry, sir.

I was just down here working
on the jeep prototype.

I know you really want to see it built.

And we need to work out
a few bugs in the design.

- A few bugs?

- Yeah, you know, like the fact
that it stalls every time we

fire the magnetic cannon
because you based it on an EMP.

- Oh, right.

- Kind of a critical flaw,
if you don't mind me saying.

- Oh, I don't mind you saying.

Feedback is important.

- It's just that sometimes
I feel bad criticizing your

work, you know, because
you're in charge and all.

- Simmons, there's no
reason to feel that way.

You're a valuable member of the team.

I always find your feedback
to be both insightful

and appropriate.

- Really?

- I know I can be gruff
sometimes, but that's only

because it's hard being the leader.

You know, dealing with those
dirty Blues and that lousy

Grif character all the time.

- He is lazy, sir.

- I don't mean to complain, but sometimes

I just need a friend.

Simmons, we've been working
together a long time.

I hope I can call you a friend

and that you can call me the same.

- Gosh, sir, I don't know what to say.

If it's OK with you, I would
really like it if I could just

call you Dad.

- Simmons, are you down here?

- What? Yes!

I mean, yes.

Give me a second, don't come in!

- What the hell are you doing?

- Nothing, I was just working
on your jeep design and-

- What? Stay away from my jeep.

It's perfect! You'll just mess it up!

- Yes, sir.

- And who were you talking to?

(sighs)

(buzzing)

- Nobody.

- Well, get upstairs on the pronto!

We need to have a meeting.

And I need someone to agree with me.

- Do you want to brief me on
the details first, so I know

what I'll be agreeing to?

- Oh, yeah.

I'll get right on that.

Send you a memo.

- Really? Because I've
been working on a template.

And I think it's ready to-

- No, of course not! Why
the hell would I do that?

What did you get exposed to radiation or

something down here?

That boy has gone crazy.

- I like my digital
life so much better than

my stupid real life!

(buzzing)

- I love boners!

- Shut up, fake Grif!

- Finally, maybe now we can get started.

- What's your problem?

- Nothing. Leave me alone.

- Men, as you know, the Blues
have been erased from Command

records for some unknown reason.

- Unknown, sir?

We're the ones that did it!

- You can't prove that.

- I think we can.

- Prove it to who?

- Because we're the ones that did it.

- Allegedly.

- Not allegedly.

You told me to do it, and I did it.

- Reportedly!

Let's not go accusing people
and inviting a lawsuit until we

know the facts.

- Who's going to sue us? Us?

We're going to, wait, we're
going to sue ourselves?

- I'm going to defer this
conversation to my legal team.

- So that means the staff meeting is over?

- No!

- Why not?

- We have too much to discuss.

Isn't that right, Simmons?

(sighs) Absolutely, sir.

No one has ever been more right than you.

- Wow.

Someone's phoning it in.

- If the Blues aren't in
Command's database, that means

even if we destroy them in a
resounding victory, it still

won't count as a win!

It's like we didn't even beat anybody.

- Hey, that's right.

I never thought about that, sir!

- Meh! Whatever.

- So that means, we can't kill the Blues.

- Exactly.

Because if we defeated them,
it wouldn't even count.

And that's the best part
about winning a war,

getting the points.

- Bingo!

- No, why would we try to win?

It's only what we're supposed to do.

- We need to find a
way to get them back in

the database first!

- So your plan is to hold off
our attack until our superior

officers take notice of one
of the teams in this canyon?

And notice them well enough to
actually go out of their way

to them back into the database?

Or do anything at all in any
way to formally recognize one

of us in an official capacity?

- You got it!

- This is probably the single
greatest plan I've ever heard

in my entire life.

- You would think that, kiss-ass.

- Simmons, can it!

And thank you, Private,
duh, aww, Grif, ew.

- You're welcome?

Am I saying that right?

- So our first order of
business should be to fortify

our own team.

Get ready for the big battle.

Let's get Donut back on his feet.

- Hey, where's Donut?

- Simmons! Where did he go?

- How would I know?

- Keeping track of Donut
is one of your duties.

- Hohoho, busted!

- Meh, who cares?

- And then there was a time we
turned all of our armor black

because Tex was captured.

You remember her.

I told you all about her.

It was a crazy adventure.

Then there was another time
when she helped us break into

O'Malley's fortress?

Did I tell you that one already?

Hey!

Do you ever get the feeling that you're

being watched by someone?

Donut, I'm asking you a question!

- Come on, men!

Lopez said Donut went this way.

- Are you sure that's what he said?

I don't think "pendejo"
was Spanish for that way.

- Muffin man!

- Caboose!

I have a message for Church.

Whe,

where is he?

- Hey, are you OK?

- Just a little weak.

Where's Church?

- Church?

Oh, um, he's not here right now.

- Where is he?

- Uh, he's up, he, that's
kind of, uh, um, it turns out

he was really a computer
program based on some guy who

ran the Freelancer Project.

And he went with Agent Washington.

He's a Freelancer and
destroyed all the other AIs

that were left.

Well, almost all.

- How long was I asleep?

- Not that long.

- Listen, I don't know how long-

(pants)

- I can stay awake.

I need to get someone
on Blue Team a message.

I promised.

- I know people on the Blue Team.

People on the inside.

You can give it to me.

- Tuck-

- Tuck!

You want me to tuck?

What do you want me to tuck?

Wait, my mother told me never to tuck

anything of anyone else's.

- Tucker-

- Tucker?

- He needs help.

Find him.

It's in the sand.

(thuds)

- "It's in this and." "This" and what?

Donut, "this and" what?

What is "this"?

What? What?

Your pocket?

Is Tucker in your pocket?

I remember him being a lot bigger.

Tucker!

Are you in there!

- Hey, anybody here?

Blue?

Where are you?

- Tucker, is that you?

Why did you shrink?

And why are you talking like a pirate?

- Hello!

- Hello!

Yes, I hear you!

- Then get outside!

I need to talk to you.

- Out?

Oh, I see.

I thought, uh, man,
sometimes I am so dumb.

Hold on pocket Tucker!

Someone outside wants to talk to me!

Donut, you can rest here
as long as you want.

You must be tired from all of
"this and" and other stuff.

- No.

It's not pink.

It's lightish red.

Hey, Sarge.

I should totally get a
jet pack or a motorcycle.

- Hey, guys. Great to see you.

Wait, unless you're here to
blow me up, then not so great.

- We're looking for something
we've, uh, uh, lost.

- Is it the keys to your base?

I do that a lot.

But it's really easy to break
in because there are no doors.

- No, we're looking for something else.

But I'm not going to tell you
what it is and give you some

kind of advantage.

- Can you describe it?

- Yeah, it's pink.

- It's annoying.

- Has kind of a spring in its step.

- Oh, you mean Donut.

- Ah, yes.

Where is he?

- He's in my base.

He'll be staying with
me for a little while.

- You've captured him?

Diabolical.

What are you doing with him?

- Don't worry.

He's resting comftorbubbly.

- Ooh, that sounds ominous.

Don't back down now, sir.

- Give him back.

- Actually, there's some
things he needs to tell me.

I'll send him home after that.

- Squeezing him for information, eh?

- Sarge, I don't think that he's-

- Hey! No one is squeezing anybody.

I was just working with my tools and he-

- Torture?

You ungodly fiend!

He won't give you any info!

He'll die before he reveals anything.

Hear that Donut?

You'll die before you talk!

We all know that.

Keep up the good work!

- Actually, he already
told me the beginning part.

- He told you about
our secret new vehicle?

Dammit, Donut, you idiot!

- Sarge!

- He told me about "this and."

- He told you about that and
our new hologram chamber?

Donut! Put a lid on it!

- Sarge!

(sighs) I'm going to
go sleep under a tree.

Come wake me up when the
brain summit is over.

- Are you kidding?

I hope this lasts forever.

Psst, hey Sarge, maybe there's a ransom.

- Good thinking.

What is it you want, Blue?

- What do I want?

Do you have any cookies?

- What are your demands?

You have to give us your demands!

- I demand cookies!

- Now, you're just toying with us.

Your depravity knows no bounds!

- Yeah.

- Well, at least I don't go
around knocking on people's

non-doors and promising them
cookies, and then not giving

them cookies!

I'm leaving!

- Wait!

- Hm. Looks like negotiations
have broken down.

Should we call in a nuke strike?

- Negative.

We've got a man in there.

Well, you know, Donut.

- Ow! That hurt!

- Aw, listen to that!

He's killing him in there!

- Oops! Sorry, Donut.

Didn't mean to step on
your head like that.

Are you OK?

- (gasps) What happened?

Who was that?

Oh, that was your team.

They're playing some kind of prank.

Offering snacks, and
then not giving snacks.

- I hate when they do that!

Who was it?

- Oh, it was Red Sergeant and Grif.

They were working together
while Simmons was laying under

a tree, being lazy.

- What the,

how long was I asleep this time?

- Private Donut, we want to
debrief you now that your tour

in Blood Gulch is over.

- Great!

Wait, over?

- I'm just going to ask you
some standard questions to

rate your experience.

And I will be filling out a
form based on your responses.

Do you understand?

- Yes, sir.

All right.

Then let's begin.

During your deployment you
were assigned to the Red Team,

is that correct?

- That's right.

You could tell by my lightish red armor.

- I'm a bit confused.

By "lightish red," do you mean pink?

- No, I mean lightish red.

- Let's come back to this
during the free-form period.

- Okie doke.

- Now, as to your
experience in Blood Gulch,

would you say it was satisfactory,

somewhat satisfactory, or unsatisfactory?

- I would say

satisfactory.

- All right.

Now, I want you to look at this picture.

- Oh, hey.

I know where that is.

- Which of the following
best describes this picture?

Would you say it is A, the new
location where your team was

assigned; B, the source of
a mysterious energy reading;

or C-

- That's just where we landed!

- Where you landed.

Can you elaborate?

- Yeah.

We were defusing a bomb by
this guy Omega, but then the

bomb went off.

And it was such a huge
explosion that it totally

threw us into the future.

And we landed there in that place.

- I'm not sure I understand.

The future?

- Sarge said that since we
were surrounded by ice when the

bomb went off, and then it
was all sand, the Ice Age must

have ended, and that would
have taken a really long time.

So it must have pushed us into the future.

- I don't have a check box for that.

So I'm just going to write down "Other."

- Yeah, "Other" works.

I like "Other."

- Well, I suppose there's no reason to ask

the rest of our questions.

Thank you for a very
enlightening interview.

- So then after that, they
transferred me that new base.

I guess we left before we
were supposed to do what they

wanted us to do.

- That's a pretty crazy story, Donut.

- But when I got there, all
I found was a distress beacon

from Tucker.

It said to get Church.

I think Tucker was captured.

There was something there.

Something scary.

- That sounds scary.

- Yeah.

Hey, this thing sure makes a racket.

- Who? Epsilon?

Yeah, it does that when you talk to it.

It loves when people tell
stories, especially about

things that have happened to
us and the people we've met.

- You've been telling it stories?

- Yeah, you know, to
the best of my memory.

- The best of your memory?

- Yeah.

- I bet those are some
pretty weird stories.

So what is it?

- Oh, it's a memory component
from a bigger AI that a bunch

of scientists wanted to copy to make

more, but they couldn't.

So they drove it crazy
until it developed a split

personality.

And then they harvested all
the different personalities

for their experiments, you know.

- Pretty weird.

- I'm using it and parts of
Tex's body, parts from Sheila

to make a new super best friend.

But it's not going so well.

I lit myself on fire.

- Where did you get it?

- We went on a big adventure,
kind of like your adventure.

And then we needed help,
kind of like you need help.

And then we needed some help,
and we got help from somebody.

It was very helpful.

- Well, could the person
who helped you help us now?

- Ohh.

Oh?

- Washington, got a call for you.

- A call for me?

Who even knows I'm here?

- Came in on your personal secure channel.

They routed it to us.

You can take it in here, if you want.

- Thanks.

- Three minutes.

- What?

Oh, yeah. OK.

(phone rings)

- This is Agent, um, this is Washington.

Who's there?

- Agent Washington!

- Oh, dear lord.

Caboose?

How did you even find me?

- You were on my computer screen?

I just looked at it.

- No, I mean,

never mind.

What's going on?

Are you OK?

I haven't heard anything about you.

- Oh, yeah.

I'm good.

How about you?

- All things considered,

(sighs) I guess I should
be glad to be alive.

- Yeah.

Did you get a big medal for
beating Project Freelancer?

- Yeah, sure.

I got a bunch more metal in my life now.

How about you?

- They gave us shiny new bases!

The Reds have their place.

And I have my own place.

It's kind of cool!

I think I'm going to get a drum set.

- Yeah, wait.

Seriously?

You have a new base?

- Well, it's not new new
they gave us the ones that

were abandoned from Project Freelancer.

- They gave you a base?

- What, you didn't get a new base, too?

- No, no, I didn't.

- Well, you can come here
and share my base with me.

Oh, we need your help!

Can you come right away?

Can you come help us?

- I don't think that's going to happen.

- All right, Washington,
back in your cell.

- Guard, I need to see the commander now.

- Yeah, right. Why the hell
would I let you do that?

- Because I think I've
just found the missing

piece to his puzzle.

- Hello?

Hello?

Agent Washington?

Are you there?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

- Um, I think he hung up.

- No, I don't think so.

I don't think he'd do anything like that.

Hello?

Hello.

- OK, well, I think I'll
just head back to my base.

If you can think of anything
to help me with that desert

situation, just give me a ring.

- OK.

- You need any help with your
Frankenstein Friend project?

- Oh, no.

But, uh, if you see any
mechanical parts laying around

that look friendly, would
you save them for us?

- Well, sure.

I could ask Sarge if you can use his

underground secret workshop.

I heard the guys talking about it.

It sounded cool.

- Oh, right, they mentioned
that earlier when they came by

to pick you up.

- He doesn't usually like letting the

enemy use our equipment.

But maybe I'll catch him in a good mood.

- Oh, you could try killing
the orange one first!

That would probably put
him in a great mood!

- Yeah, that's a good idea
and all, but we have all these

rules against killing
people from our own team.

- Lame.

- Tell me about it.

- No, I don't think we have
rules like that on Blue Team.

- Man, our team sucks!

(whoosh)

- Oh, so that's how that works.

Secret underground workshop, huh?

Well, I have to try something.

I don't seem to be very good
about doing this on my own.

(blazing)

- Oh, right. Now, how did that even start?

- Men, with Donut captured,
I think we should abandon our

previous plan of not attacking the Blues,

and institute a new plan
of attacking the Blues.

- Good.

- Winning a war is one thing,
but having a man captured is

quite another.

We can't stand by knowing
we've left a man behind.

So I need a volunteer to run
a suicide rescue mission.

This won't be easy.

And you're almost certain to die.

- Why are you looking
at me when you say that?

- Thanks for volunteering, Grif.

Now, the plan is to run
straight at Blue Base, grab

Donut, and carry him
home over your shoulder,

even if he's not hurt.

That way, when the Blues track
you down to kill you, Donut

will still have fresh legs to
run home and avoid recapture.

- Um, sir?

- Quiet, Simmons!

You've been too unreliable
lately for a suicide mission.

I think I need to go with a pro.

- Gee, thanks, sir.

- Just get him back here.

I can't stand Donut being
captured another minute.

- Aw, that's sweet, Sarge.

Thank you.

- What the?

- Mission accomplished, sir.

- Excellent work, Private Grif.

- Thanks, sir.

Request permission to go
AWOL for a few months?

- Permission denied.

- Meh! Had to try.

- Donut, you're back.

Are you OK?

You look fine to me.

- I do?

Well, I did switch to a
new armor polish recently.

Thanks for noticing, Sarge.

- No, I mean, they didn't hurt you.

- Hurt me?

Oh, no. Not at all.

And it's not a "them" over
there, it's only a "him."

They only have one guy now.

- Just one soldier, eh?

That seems like it could
be a tactical advantage.

- We already knew that.

- And now, it's confirmed.

- Permission to switch
Simmons to the Blue Team, sir?

- Permission denied.

- Muh, had to try.

- Fuck it.

I'm going to go help Lopez with the jeep.

- OK, Donut.

I want as much information as possible.

Let's get you debriefed.

- That sounds like fun.

Boy, things have really
changed around here.

- That's not what I meant.

- OK, Epsilon, let's get in
there. And try to stay quiet.

It's sneaking time.

- No, no.

That one goes there.

This one goes here.

- Here, just let me do it.

Give me your wrench.

- I am sneaking. I am sneaking.

- Did you tell him anything?

- Not really.

It seems like they had most
of the information anyway.

- What?
- Yeah.

I was actually surprised by
how much information he had

gathered about our weapons and facilities.

- We've got a leak!

Grif, find out who's been gabbing.

- Sneaking, sneaking, sneaking.

- Grif, can you find the leak or not?

- Oh, what was that?

- I'll get right on that, sir.

I'm sure the leak is
someone very close to us.

Specifically, someone very nearby me.

- Put that thing here?

This room is boring, boring,
boring, boring, boring,

boring, boring.

(slight rumbling)

- Epsilon, shush.

(rumbling)

- Epsilon, seriously, stop it!

(zaps)

- It's you!
- Hello, Caboose.

It seems fitting to say that
it is good to see you again.

Although, technically, that is untrue.

- Delta! I thought you were gone.

I though you were erased in
the, uh, electronic thing

whose name some people
have trouble remembering.

- Actually, this is not Delta.

We simply felt that you would
be most comfortable speaking

to Delta.

- We?
- Yes.

Epsilon strongly remembers
all the other AI fragments.

When Alpha went say insane,
Epsilon carried the burden of

those memories.

We can appear as anyone.

In this case, Delta who, from
your stories, was a trusted

source of information for you.

Therefore, we felt it best
to take his likeness for this

conversation.

- Oh, that makes sense.

- Yes, we felt you would say that.

- So you can appear as anyone?

- Theoretically, yes.

Anyone in our memory banks.

- What about a chair?

- If you felt that was fitting.

The holographic technology in
this room allows us to project

ourselves in any man.

It is surprisingly advanced.

- How about a giraffe?

- Look, let's just say we
can look like many different

things, and just leave it at that.

OK?

- OK.

- We regret that we will not
be able to appear to you or

communicate with you outside of this room.

So you must listen carefully.

Caboose, did you understand what-

- I am listening carefully.

- All right. It can be hard to tell.

Caboose, we need you to
find a way to help us.

Washington said, when Epsilon
was recovered, that our

memories could be used to
punish the people who tortured

Alpha.

- OK.

- Washington will not trust us.

And our new recent attempts
to build a new body are not

working.

- We had a fire.

- We remember.

Your friend from Red Team
described a location nearby

with a strange energy source.

- Op, that's where Tucker is.

- We don't have many,
many memories of him.

- Yeah, I'd never really liked
him, so I leave him out of

most of the stories.

- The Freelance Project found
a source of intense energy.

So a scenario team was sent
to investigate the area.

But they left without doing anything.

- They sound dumb.

- Indeed.

This place sounds like a
location of the energy source.

You should go there and investigate.

We can explain more when
the opportunity arises.

- OK. I can help you do that.

Even if it helps Tucker, too.

- Thank you, Caboose.

We have to go now.

Someone is coming.

Remember, memory is the key.

(whoosh)

(clatters)

- What? I thought we
were done with that part.

- Aha! Somebody is down here.

- See, I told you it wasn't me

who moved your favorite crate.

- All right, Simmons.

I said I believed you.

Just drop it already.

- Don't know why you like that
stupid thing so much anyway.

- Hey, Blue!

What do you think you're doing down here?

You'd better not have
messed up any of my stuff!

- Messed up what?

Everything down here is fake.

- Yeah, well, who knows how he could have

sabotaged the system?

Better run a diagnostic.

- Yeah, if he sabotaged
anything, I'm sure he just

ended up fixing it.

- What do you think you're
doing down here, Blue?

- Nothing.

I was just, uh, I was just looking around.

I need to leave anyways.

I have to pack.

- See? Problem averted.

Back to, wait, you're leaving "leaving"?

- Uh, I need to find my friend Tucker.

- The guy in the desert?

Awesome!

- But then there won't be
anymore Blues here, which

means they'll probably send-

- Actually, I'm going to go
find Tucker, bring him back.

Then there will be two Blues!

Plenty for you to fight!

- Why don't I have
confidence in this mission?

- Yeah, it sounds super dangerous.

But I'm sure I can manage.

I've done dangerous stuff
before, and I've always come

out fine, both physically and-

- Caboose?

- Mentally.

- Yeah, this is not going to work.

Hey, Sarge, permission to go
on the Blue's stupid mission?

- What? What?

- Don't you see?

If he dies on this mission,
and let's be honest, when he

dies on this mission, that
means they won't be back in

Command's records yet.

- Well, that's not good.

- But if I help him pull this
off, then Command might notice

them and put them back in.

- Excellent point, Grif.

- No, it isn't.

- Permission granted.

- Um, you've never actually
said that to me before.

That means yes, Right?

- Yes.

- OK, just checking.

- I'm coming with you.

- What?
- What?

- Simmons, how about you? Are you in?

- I think I'll stay at the
base and provide logistical

support, sir.

- Sounds good. Let's get a move on!

We'll either restore
the Blues or we'll fail,

and I'll get to watch you die!

It's a no-lose!

- Sounds perfect!

- Wait, you mean Simmons gets
to hang out at the base, while

I go out on a dangerous mission?

- That's right.

Enjoy the limelight, Private Kiss-Ass.

I'll just be hanging out here
with Donut until you get back.

(yawns)

I think it's time for a nap.

- Oho, man!

This is going to be great.

It'll be like a sleepover.

And we can decorate.

How awesome is this going to be?

I'll go get my wallpaper book.

Simmons, you be thinking
about paint colors.

- Aw, man.

I think I'm regretting this already.

- And get these water cans
cleaned up while we're gone.

How much water do you
need to drink, Donut?

- I was in the desert.

Don't judge me!

- Maybe we should learn from
that and bring some water

ourselves.

- Nonsense!

It will slow us down.

- Slow us down more than dehydration?

Or death by dehydration?

- I don't know, smartass.

Let's say we try.

I'll kill you.

Then I'll dry you out!

Who wants Grif jerky?

- Oh, no thanks. I already
had Donut's for breakfast.

- Wait, what?

- All right, let's get going.

Everybody packed?

- Yep.
- Where's your stuff?

- Oh, I only carry a washcloth
and six toothbrushes.

- I'm going to assume
that makes sense to you.

- Yeah, it does.

- Yeah, I thought so.

We'll just go ahead and
leave that one alone.

- Grif, why'd you pack so much?

- Me?

I only did one duffel.

- Well, what are all these cases?

- Those are mine!

- Donut, you're going with us?

- No.

But I wasn't going to let you
guys have all the packing fun

to yourselves.

That's the best part of going on vacation.

I mean, besides airport
security's full cavity search.

- Time to go!

- Now, Lopez, I want you to
take good care of Simmons and

Donut while we're gone.

- Feed them every day.

- Exactly.

And don't forget to let them
out in the yard every now and

then.

- I love yard time.

- Goodbye!

- If we don't make it
back from the mission,

bury me and Grif as far apart as possible.

I don't want to get any corpse cooties.

- Why do you assume I'll be dead?

Never mind.

- All aboard!

Let's get this show on the road.

Hey, be careful with the new gun.

It hasn't passed any
real-world testing yet.

- It hasn't passed any fake-world testing!

It's passed zero tests.

- Which means the enemy
can't possibly know about it.

We've got the initiative.

- Yeah, something.

Big dummy.

- We'll be back as soon
as we help the Blue.

And then we'll kill him!

- Guys, I really appreciate this.

- See you soon!

Try not to get in any trouble.

- Are we there yet?

- Shut up!

- Good luck!

- Hey! Where are you going?

- To blow up Blue Base.

- Uh, I think that's what Sarge
meant by get into trouble!

- I don't give a fuck!

- Can we stop again?

I-

- Again?
- Well, my suit leaked.

And I had to drink a lot on the way here!

- A lot.

- Look, Grif, sand!

- Yeah. We're on a beach.

- Donut said there was sand.

That means we're on the right track.

- You know what else he told us?

The coordinates to where we're going.

- Another clue.

- That's not a clue. There's no mystery.

We're driving there.

- Come on, let's get going
before the trail gets cold.

- I have to use the bathroom again.

- Lopez, Simmons has been
gone a really long time.

- If Simmons blows up Blue
Base, Sarge is going to be

really mad.

- I'm worried about him.

- I think I'm going to go
over there and check on him.

(honks)

- Yeehaw!

(crash)

- I told you not to take jumps bigger than

my yeehaws.

Makes me look bad.

- OK. This looks like it.

- Be careful, Grif.

We don't want to get spotted.

- Halt!

Do not come any further.

- I think we've been spotted.

- Punch it, Grif!

- You are attempting to access a

restricted area.

And you have entered a minefield.

- A what?

- Minefield!

You idiot!

- Your field.

Who says this is your field?

You can't own a field!

- Caboose, not his field.

A minefield!

- You know, the Native American culture

said the Earth doesn't belong to us.

We belong to it.

- Guys, he means explosives!

- Oh!

(explosion booms)

- What the hell is all this stuff?

- Oh, there you are!

Did you blow up the base yet?

- Look at this mess, Donut.

It's like he's rigged the place.

- Oh, yeah.

That's Caboose's project.

- This is what he's been working on?

- He's trying to rebuild a body
for that blue buddy of his.

Uh, looks like a piece is missing, though.

- For the dead guy?

Pfft, give me break.

No wonder no one ever wins this war.

We're all doing stuff
like building lame robots.

Oh, hey, Lopez, uh, I didn't mean you.

I meant other robots.

- That was kind of racist.

- Hey, that's not true.

I have lots of mechanical friends.

- Do not, under any circumstances, move.

You have entered an active minefield.

- Does thinking count as moving?

Because if it does, I
think I might have moved.

Oop!

I did it again!

- Shut up, Caboose!

- Well, I don't want to get exploded.

- How do we get out of here?

- We will guide you out.

- Great!

We'll just wait for you
to come out here then.

- What?

No, fuck that!

Listen, we're not coming out there, OK?

Hang tight.

We're going to pull the schematic.

We'll be right back.

Don't move.

- Grif!

What were you thinking driving
us straight into a minefield?

- Me? You were in the passenger seat.

That makes you the navigator.

- What are you talking about?

- Everybody knows that. You're
in charge of directions.

- No, the shotgun seat is
reserved as a position of

respect and for people who carry shotguns.

See?

(clicks)

- Quid pro quo.

Now, Grif, here's the plan.

You walk in front of us very slowly.

- No.

If you hear anything that
sounds like a small metallic

click or feels like your legs
are being blown off, you'll

say, "found one."

- No.
- Uh-oh!

I think I just thought
about something again.

- Both of you, shut up!

We need to think a way out of this mess.

- You mean the mess you navigated us into?

- How about I come over there
and navigate my fist through

your forehead?

- Heh, OK, bring it!

Just stroll on over here
across the minefield and beat

me to death.

- Maybe I will.

- Bring it!

- Look, we can hear you talking.

Do not move!

OK? Seriously!

(growls)

- It's not my fault.

I'm not moving.

I'm not even thinking about moving.

- Sarge, since we may not make
it out of this, maybe there's

a few things I should tell you.

You know, since you can't reach me.

- Grif.

- Like the reason why I
never listen to you or never

follow your orders, and why I
don't think anything you say

is ever important.

(suppressed growl)

- But I want you to understand, Sarge.

It's not because I'm lazy,
it's because I don't like you

or respect you in any way.

I have no positive feelings towards you.

(shotgun cocks)

- Now, I imagine it can
be pretty hard to be an

ineffective leader with no respect,

(gunshot bangs)

who doesn't understand that
his primary weapon has an

effective range much
shorter than most weapons.

But I think since we're
going to die anyway, you

deserve to know that.

- All right. I'm back.

Ready?

We're going to guide you out of there.

- Hehe, you know I was kidding, right?

- Hey, Lopez. Wait up!

Hey, man, I need some explosives.

To blow up Blue Base, you know?

Did Sarge leave you the
key to the weapon locker?

- OK. I need about 50 kilos
of plastic explosives.

Technically, five should do
it, but I really want to blow

the fuck out of that thing.

Can you go get it for me?

- Uhh, I need it right now.

- Hm. You don't seem to be moving.

- This is about that
"robot" comment, isn't it?

- OK, gentlemen.

Here's how we're going to do this.

We'll guide the two guys in front out.

And you in the jeep, just follow them.

- OK.

- Uh, I'm scared.

- All right.

Start by taking two steps forward,

and then turn to your right.

- A "step" ain't exactly a
standard measurement, buddy.

- Just a step.

- Yeah, I get it. But what's a step?

Like this?

Or this?

(bang)
- Whoa!

- Just a step!

- OK, no problem.

Just a step!

- All right, Now, walk
four steps to your right.

- You mean, our right?

- Yes.

- Um, our "our right" or your "our right."

- There is no my, your right.

- What, is left north to you?

Or is it, where on the compass?

Which way?

- Uh, what about-

- Just walk to your right!

No!

(bang)

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- You know what? I just
can't take this anymore.

Fuck it!

- Yeah, uh, fuck it!

Just run!

(explosions booming)

- Son of a-

(crash)

- Oh, dammit, Grif!

Look what you did now!

You busted up a brand new jeep!

- Me? You were the idiots that
started setting off mines.

- Well, I managed to get out
of there without getting hit by

anything.

- Because you jumped on the roof the car.

That's cheating!

- No, it's called strategy!

- Well, your strategy broke the jeep.

So don't go blaming me.

And the Blue guy's dead, too.

How are we going to explain that?

- What the hell? What were you thinking?

- We don't need to
explain why he died, Grif.

We're Reds!

Killing Blues is our business.

And today, business is good!

- But we didn't kill him.

He stepped on a mine and blew up.

And he is the reason that
we're on this stupid mission.

So now what?

- Hm. I see your point.

So maybe we should have a
moment of silence in honor of

the dead Blue guy.

Bow your head.

- Hey, are you listening to me?

- Do you mind?

We're having a moment of silence.

Show some respect.

- What?

- Dear Lord, we thank you for
taking another Blue back to

heaven today, or rather, not to heaven.

To whatever fiery pit
you send Blues to so they

can suffer in eternity.

You could have taken Grif.

But you didn't, again.

Not sure why, it would have been easy!

Those mine things are everywhere!

But I guess you know what you're doing.

- Ahh!

Wow. Now, that was a big explosion.

- Blue guy's back.

- I went really high.

Did anyone get a picture?

- And now, you brought him back.

And Grif's still here!

I hate to criticize, but you
could have just had him land

on Grif and squash him!

That would have been easy!

Just a note.

You can take it or leave it.

Like I said, not really
my place to criticize.

OK. The end, amen.

- What the fuck is wrong with you people?

- Whoa! Now, who are you?

- Who am I? Who are you?

I'm supposed to be here.

You guys are accessing
an area on lockdown.

- Lockdown?

- This is a restricted dig site.

What are you doing here?

- Oh, uh, we were just looking for, uh-

- Oh, we're just passing
through on the way to meet up

with the rest of our squad.

(jeep engine revs)

- Oh, great.

Stay here.

Don't move.

Don't touch anything.

- Why didn't you ask about Tucker?

- We don't know anything about
these guys, other than the

one's causing trouble for Tucker.

We don't know if we can trust them yet.

- Oh, right, because, normally,
you guys are the ones that

cause trouble for Tucker.

- Right, that's our job.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy.

Listen, Lopez, I'm not racist.

I just didn't know you were standing

there when I said that.

- I had a lot of mechanical
friends while growing up.

Seriously, I am not a racist.

- In fact, I'm one eighth cyborg.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, you know, from my
accident when Sarge replaced

all my organs.

- See? I'm down with the 101001 scene.

- Look, I'm just saying I'm sorry.

Now, can you help me
with these explosives?

Please?

- OK, then we're cool?

- (sighs) That's a relief.

I was getting worried there for a minute.

I know how you Mexicans
like to hold a grudge.

I'll just find another
way to blow up the base.

- OK, now, we want the three of you to go-

- Whoa!

- Uh-oh.

- What the, oh, right.

Sorry.

I'm so used to working with
aliens now, I forget some

people don't have any experience.

Oh, we've got experience
with these things.

Some of them more than others.

- You guys fought aliens during the war?

- Yeah, something like that.

Let's just say we got
a little closer to them

than we thought physically possible.

- Well, don't worry about old Smith here.

He's really friendly.

- Yeah, that doesn't
really put us at ease.

- All right, Washington,
the man in charge has

agreed to see you.

You have five minutes.

Do anything aggressive,
and I'll shoot you.

Do anything weird, and I'll shoot you.

Do anything I don't like-

- And you'll shoot me.

I got it.

I think I've identified the pattern.

- Talk back again, and I'll shoot you.

I don't know why he's even seeing you.

- Because I know something
he wants to know.

- Well, good for you.

You have five minutes.

- Guess I should say thank you.

- I guess you should get going.

Your five minutes already started.

(dramatic music)

- My dear Agent Washington.

I'm so pleased to make your acquaintance.

Do come in. I feel that
we have much to discuss.

- Donut, where have you been?

- Just seeing if the guys
at Blue Base had anything

valuable to move out, you
know, before you burn it to

the ground.

Caboose asked me to house-sit.

- Did they have anything valuable?

- Well, I'm not going to tell you.

You'll just find it and burn it.

- Yeah, that's true.

But tell me anyway.

- Nah, there's not much over
there, just some spare parts

from Caboose's "build a
new best friend" project.

And it looks like he took
that AI unit with him.

- So dumb.

Wait, what?

AI unit?

- Yeah, it was kind of cool!

It was purple and liked
to hear old stories about-

- What? He kept that?

He wasn't supposed to keep that.

I thought he turned it in.

That was part of the deal
for getting our bases.

We had to turn over all equipment.

- You're talking to me
about things that really

don't make any sense.

I've been kind of gone.

I don't know if you noticed.

- I need to tell Sarge and have him get it

back from that idiot.

(radio static)

- Sarge, come in, Sarge.

Sarge, do you read?

(radio static)

- (sighs) Dammit!

Hey, Lopez!

- Is the radio busted?

- The radio, no work?

Call Sarge-O. Yes or no?

- Then how come I can't get Sarge?

- Can you fix it?

- How come, in all these
years of working with us, you

haven't managed to learn
one single word of English?

(dramatic music)

- Now, I'm sure you've heard
about the treaties between

aliens and people.

We're here to investigate
an energy reading.

Rules are, now, if they find
one of these things, all

investigation teams have
to have at least one

person and one alien.

No exceptions.

- What kind of energy readings?

- I can't tell you that.

In fact, I need you leave this area ASAP.

The alien diplomats will get
mighty suspicious if they find

another human squad showed up.

We don't want to cause an
intergalactic incident.

- Ah, we're used to doing that.

- (clears throat) What my
friend means is that we're,

uh, used to following protocol.

- Good.

Then you guys just head on
your way, and we don't need to

report this to anybody.

- Dude, we're not going anywhere.

Our jeep is wrecked.

(explosion booms)

- Damn! OK.

We'll help you repair your
jeep, and then you're gone.

A couple of rules while you are here.

This is a restricted dig site.

Everything here is
property of the military.

Do not go looking for any artifacts.

And do not go anywhere without telling me.

Got it?
- Yes, Mom. We got it.

- OK. Quick quiz then.

What are you going to do
if you find an artifact?

- Not take it.

- No, that was a trick question.

You're not going to find an
artifact because you're not

going to be looking for an artifact.

- Maybe I knew it was a trick question.

So I gave you a trick answer.

- There are no trick answers.

There are only wrong
answers. Are we clear?

- Yes.

- Are we clear?

- Yes!

- OK. Then head down there.

On the left, you'll find
some wrecked jeeps you could

scavenge for parts.

There's also water down
there on the left, too.

Keep yourselves hydrated.

You want some chow?

It's with the water on the left.

- Thanks. And we'll be
leaving as soon as we can.

- Yes, you will.

- Are you thinking what
I'm thinking, Sarge?

- Yeah. Something just doesn't seem right.

- I know. Everything is on the left.

- Shut up, Caboose.

(grunts)

- No. I don't think they know anything.

You get back to the temple.

Keep working on getting it open.

I'll take care of these idiots.

(radio static)

- Simmons, come on, Simmons.

Are you there? Or what?

(radio static)

- OK, I give up.

Something's wrong with the radio now, too.

I'll go check their jeep.

- What the hell is wrong
with this jeep anyway?

Doesn't have a turret.

- Maybe it's just a car?

- What does that mean?

- You know, like a car, a regular car.

- What kind of car doesn't
have a massive cannon on it?

- All kinds of cars.

Most kinds of cars.

- That's ridiculous.

That would be like saying
there's some kind of thing you

can wear on your head that's
not armor-plated and doesn't

offer a five-time optical zoom.

- I think you've been in the
military a really long time.

- Yup.

It's been a good run.

- Dammit! No radio here either?

Someone's yanked it out.

Why would they deliberately
pull the radio out of their

own jeep?

- Let me take a look at it, Grif.

- Why? You want to confirm
that there's no radio?

- Maybe I can fix it.

- How are you going to fix
something that isn't even there?

You know what? No, fuck it!

Go for it. Whatever.

Sarge, this place gives me the creeps.

Something's really wrong here.

I mean, why would they
deliberately pull the radio

out of their own jeep?

And why can't I get a
signal on long-range?

- Something does seem out of place.

But maybe we're overreacting.

Maybe they're just using the
parts from these radios to fix

the others.

- And we just happened
to only find all the

ones that are broken?

That seems unlikely.

- Hm, maybe they have one
enormous radio somewhere that

requires a ton of parts.

Like one the size of a house.

- Once again, unlikely.

Wait a second.

What about that thing, the big freighter?

It looks like a mobile base.

Maybe it has a radio.

- Sheila?

Is that you?

Are you there?

Um, Delta?

Tex?

- Hey! What are you up to over there?

- Nothing!

(clatter)

- I'm up to nothing.

- What is that? What are you doing?

- Uh-oh. Here comes-

- Blue, stop messing with our jeep!

- I'm not doing anything.

Just ignore me!

- If you're not doing
anything, then what would we be

ignoring?

- Ignore what I'm not doing.

- Wow, Lopez, that's great!

You made motorcycles?

Thanks.

- Now, I can catch up to
Sarge and tell him all about

that AI unit he has.

- All right. I'll be
back as soon as I can.

Come on, Donut!

Hey, Lopez, did you see where Donut went?

- I bet he's over at Blue Base again.

I'll go get him.

Man, why do I have to do
everything around here?

- Yeah, I know, Lopez.

I guess I'm just naturally responsible.

And people take advantage of that.

It's a curse, really.

(motorcycle engine revs)

- I'll go grab Donut.

Bring him back for his motorcycle.

- No, that's not for Donut?

Then why did you build a second one?

- Uh, huh.

I don't even understand-

OK, whatever, Lopez.

See you soon.

(crash)

- Hey, uh, I'm just going to
take this other motorcycle?

- OK. Let's see what we can find out.

You guys follow my lead.

- Hey, what's going on down here?

- I said nothing.

(clears throat)

- We're just down here scavenging
for parts, like you said.

- OK.

Well, hurry it up.

- You realize we're not going
to fix this in, like, the next

10 minutes, right?

- Yeah. Just the sooner, the better.

- Why? What's going on around here?

- I can't tell you that.

- You can't tell us?

Or you don't want to tell us?

- I can't tell you, which is
convenient, because I don't

want to tell you.

- Why don't you want to tell us?

- Because it's secret!

- Regular secret? Or top secret?

- Top secret!
- Dammit! The worst kind!

- Well, why is it so secretive?

- I can't tell you that
because that information is

classified.

- Classified as what?

- Classified as something
I can't tell you!

Now, stop fishing for information!

- What information do you
think we're fishing for?

- OK. That wasn't even a good attempt.

- Yeah. I got to agree with that.

- Look, I'm sure you're curious.

We're curious about you as well.

All you need to know is
what you can plainly see.

We are trying to uncover that

structure to recover something.

That's already more than you need to know!

- Do you have a name?

- You could call me CT.

- Got a rank there, CT?

- Not one you would recognize.

Now, let's, hey, where's your other guy?

- Uh, what guy?

- The other guy?

- He's right there.

- The other "other guy"!

- He's right there?

- That's it!

You're either here to
investigate us or you're

complete idiots!

Either way, I've had it!

- Investigate?

- (grunts) Tell me where
the blue guy went or I'll

shoot the orange one.

(wind blowing)

- Well?

- Dude, I can save you some time.

You just picked the wrong guy to threaten.

It'll make more sense
when you get to know us.

(alarm blaring)

- That's him, isn't it?

- Probably.

- Move! Up the hill!

(gentle music)

(humming)

- Man, Caboose sure can make
a mess for just one person.

Although, I guess he was
trying to make another person,

which technically would make
this a mess for two people.

I think Caboose would be a great dad.

I wonder if I should have a kid.

I never really thought I wanted one.

But as I get older, I start to think maybe

something is missing.

Aw, I hope I didn't wait too long.

I've been so focused on my
career and having a good time,

maybe it's too late for me.

Oh, great!

Now, I sound like my mother.

Oh, hi there.

You scared me.

I didn't know anyone was
over here at Blue Base.

Strong, silent type, huh?

That's cool. Don't mind me.

I'm just keeping the base a little tidy.

Yeah, a clean base is a deadly base.

That's what Sarge always says.

Sarge is our commander.

You'll get a Sarge over here, I'm sure.

But he won't be like our Sarge.

He'll be Blue.

Man, the rest of the
guys will be so happy to

have someone to fight.

They're going to be so
relieved to see you.

What did you say your name was?

(whooshing)

- Hm.

Oren, huh?

Love the accent.

Really works for you.

I should probably move this-
(gunshot bangs)

- Aw, don't worry, buddy.

I already checked their weapons.

All good.

But thanks for helping.

Ooh, this thing's heavy.

Maybe if I grabbed the leg.

Well, that was helpful.

Thanks!

Where did you get that kick-ass broom?

(whooshing)

- Uh, do you hear that?

- Hey, Donut! Are you in there?

Lopez built you a motorcycle!

It's broken.

- Hey! Yeah.

Simmons, I'm inside the Blue Base.

Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier.

- What? They sent another team member?

Why would they do that?

Doesn't make any sense.

Oh, fuck!

Welcome to the
neighborhood. See you later!

- Come on, move!

- All right, already. We're moving.

Don't boss me.

- Hey, what's going on up here?

(grunts)

- Sabotaging the digger, huh?

I knew it.

Who sent you here?

What do they know about us?

- Dammit, Caboose!

Why do you keep messing with the vehicles?

- Oh, yeah.

I was just trying to
find a home for Epsilon.

No biggie.

- What? What is that thing?

(rumbling)

(grunting)

(clang)

- Shit! He's opening the temple.

Dammit! Are you with him?

- With who?

- Aw, crap!

Get down there.

Kill him if you have to!

And don't let that door close
again, no matter what happens!

- Hurry, let's move!

- Get the fuck out of here!

- Roar!

- Oh, shit!

Come in!

Floor it!

(gunfire popping)

- Don't go there!

- He-he! See you, suckers!

You just got yoinked!

(gunfire popping)

- How the fuck do you drive this thing?

Why are there only four levers
if there's six directions?

Where the fuck is the sixth gear?

- Grif!

If you're going to run away in
the middle of the battle, at

least have the decency to
drive faster than I can run!

- Is the emergency brake on?

I don't get, OK, fuck this!

It's stupid!

- Get down!

(gunfire popping)

- Ah, fuck!

(gunfire popping)

- Aaah!

- Ow! Cover me!

Move back!

- Hey guys! Run for the temple!

I'll cover you! Hurry!

- Oh, my!

Tucker!

Is that you?

- Yeah, of course, it's me.

Now, move!

- So, where have you been?

- What is this? Some
kind of fucking reunion?

Move your asses, idiots!

I'll meet you over there!

- What in Sam Hill was all that?

- Who cares? Just move!

- I'm sorry, do we know each other?

- You are Special Agent Washington,

former member of Project
Freelancer, also known by the

designation Recovery One.

- Also known as Prisoner 619B.

- Convicted, three counts
dereliction of duty, eight

counts of conspiracy to commit treason.

And my personal favorite,
seven counts destruction of

protected, classified military property.

- And you are-

- I am someone extremely
disappointed by the

destruction of said property.

That is all you need to know.

- I want to make a deal.

I have information that you want.

- All the information I want
was lost in the destruction of

Project Freelancer.

- Not all of it.

- Agent Washington, if you knew anything

that could have kept you out of prison,

I am sure it would have come
to light during your trial.

So if you're quite through
with wasting my time-

- I know you're missing the Epsilon unit.

And I know where to find it.

- You have my attention.

- It disappeared after the
events at Freelancer Command.

You searched everyone
associated with the program,

even the Red Team troopers you found.

- Yes, the ones who were found bickering

around the stolen jeep.

- There's another group of soldiers,

a Blue Squad.

They escaped with Epsilon.

- I show no record of these soldiers.

- And you won't. But I
know where to find them.

So here's the deal.

I get you that missing module,
you get me out of here.

I get a clear slate, and we
forget we ever knew each other.

- That sounds fair.

- And I'm going to need some equipment.

Invisibility, overshields,
anything left over

from Freelancer.

- I think we can point you in
the right direction for that.

(blasts)

- Aaah!

(gunfire popping)

- Guys, hold them off!

I'll get the door!

(rumbling)

(clang)

- There!
- Tucker!

- Hey, Caboose.

- Oh hey, look, it's that guy.

- You brought these guys?

Are we killing each other today?

Or pretending to work together?

- Uh, the "pretending" version.

- Oh, OK, cool.

Hey, dudes, what's up?

How'd you all find me?

- We got that radio call you sent.

- The distress signal?

And they sent you assholes?

That was to help me!

I wanted less distress, not more distress!

- Uh, actually, we kind of
ignored that call at first.

- That makes sense.

- And then Donut showed up and
told us you were in trouble.

- (chuckles) I get it.

So me making an emergency
radio call, not a big deal.

Donut telling you some
dumb homo story, red alert!

- Pretty much.

- So where is everyone else?

- What do you mean?

- The rest of the people who
are going to help me fight

these fuckers off.

You didn't bring any
other soldiers, did you?

- Oh, uh, that depends.

Um, by "other soldiers," do
you mean people other than us?

- Yes, I do.

- Then, no.

- What's going on here?

- Uh, it's kind of hard to explain.

They think there's some
kind of artifacts here.

Some massive weapon built a long time ago.

- An old weapon, like a spear?

- No a spear.

Like some kind of super
energy electric thing.

- An electric spear.

- It's not a spear, dumb-ass.

- Hrrm, think I've read about these.

They found some back during the war.

- Yeah, well, all the aliens
are into them, and so are all

the humans now.

So me and Junior have to go
around sometimes and help

negotiate stuff.

You know, smooth talk.

- Why you?

- We're like ambassadors
here or something.

Humans and aliens seem more
comfortable with us since

we're kind of, you know, in between.

- In between aliens and humans, huh?

You mean in between two
alien and human ladies?

- Come on, dude, seriously?

You're not going to get me say
it with that lame-ass joke.

I'm not that easy.

OK, well, maybe I am that
easy. Bow, chicka, bowwow.

See? Now, that's a setup.

- Hahaha.

Yeah, I hope one day you would
tell me what you're going to

do between the two ladies.

- So are you part of the
group that CT told us about?

- That asshole?

He's a fucking liar.

He and his team killed the
guys originally sent to dig

this thing up.

Then they tried to kill me.

- Oh no, well, I hope you stopped them.

- I locked myself in this temple.

I figured it would keep me
safe and keep them away from

the relics.

- So who are they?

- I don't have any idea, dude.

They're probably trying to
steal the artifact, then sell

it to the highest bidder.

- Oh, they're like evil eBay.

- You're an idiot.

Look, guys.

Thanks for the fucked-up
rescue mission and all that,

but where's Church?

- Oh, uh, he's dead.

- Yeah, I know that. Church
has been dead for years.

It never stopped him before.

- Oh, yeah, we also found out
that he's not a ghost and that

he's an AI computer program, like Sheila.

- Yeah, I knew that.

- You did?

- Yeah, you guys didn't?

Fuck, pay fucking attention.

What the fuck you guys
paying attention to?

- Uh, I had my suspicions.

- Of course, I just didn't
want to tell anybody.

- I still want to know what
Tucker is going to do between

the two ladies.

- Look, guys, I need your help.

We either need to chase these guys off or

destroy this facility.

Or pick up some chicks.

Old habits die hard.

- But why destroy it?
- Orders.

We can't let it fall
into anyone else's hands.

Plus, breaking stuff is fucking awesome.

- This thing is that powerful?

- Hell, yeah.

First, they built these rings
that were a huge weapon.

Then we found this super
powerful cube-shaped weapon.

And I guess this is the pyramid version.

- That ancient race sure
built a lot of weapons.

- I know.

- I mean did they really
need to spend all their time

building stuff to destroy the universe?

Like, how about the galaxy's
biggest movie theater or like

some kind of super-advanced water park?

All work and no play guys, seriously.

- No play. Tell me about it.

(rumbling)

- What the hell are they doing out there?

- They've been trying to
blast their way in here

ever since I locked it down.

They're not having much
luck though, are you,

fucking assholes?

The stuff looks like rock,
but it's way tougher.

- What's tougher than rock?

- Paper.

- Tuh, how the fuck should I know?

Super rock?

What am I, some kind of geographist?

- They have some kind of
big machine out there!

- Yeah, they just got that thing.

I think they think
they're going to yank this

door off with it.

Not fucking happening.

- They want to get their
hands on that weapon?

- Yeah, and we can't let them turn it on,

no matter what happens.

- Well, why don't we just turn it on

and use it against them?

- Huh? What?

We don't know what it does!

We could turn it on, and it
could make us all sterile.

- Would it do that?

- Well, the last weapon we
found was designed to wipe out

all organic life in huge radius.

- (whistles) Wow!

What's a radius?

- I don't know.

They just made me learn
this crap for my dumb job.

The point is, don't touch anything.

You hit the wrong button or
flip the wrong switch, we'll

all be dead before you
can say, where's Caboose?

- Uh, I don't think that's
how that expression goes.

- No, I mean, where the fuck is Caboose?

- Oh, yeah.

He does have a habit of wandering off.

He's been trying to rig
equipment to do something.

We don't really know what.

That boy is not quite right, you know.

- What? I just said not to touch anything.

And you guys let him walk
away to find equipment?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Man, I swear, you guys have
always been idiots, but this

takes the cake.

- Hey, he's on your team, asshole!

- Oh, right.

Hey, uh, so if you guys
aren't doing anything,

you want to help me go find Caboose?

- Let's go.

- So embarrassing for you.

- Just go find the guy.

- So sad.

- I fucked your sister.

(grunts)

- Lopez!

- He's here! He's here!

- The bad guy! The guy
who wants to kill us!

(explosion booms)

- The Meta! He's here!

- Oh, geez! Look out!

(gunshot bangs)

- Son of a bitch!

- Madre de Dios!

- Lopez, we need some big guns.

- I'll grab the rocket launcher.

Just grab whatever you can, Lopez.

I'm trained to handle this weapon.

Lopez?

Anybody?

All right, you bastard.

Prepare to get Simmonsized.

(blasts)

(crash)

- Well, fuck me.

(blasts)

- Lopez!

- No.

No.

Hm.

- Just open the temple, and you can leave.

We'll take what we want.
No one has to get hurt.

- Shut up, idiot!

I should have stabbed that fucking speaker

while I was out there.

- Caboose!

- Caboose, where are you?

- Hey, Blue! Hope you're not dead!

Now, there's two of you, we
finally have a fair fight.

Come on out here so we can kill you!

- You guys, shut up! You hear that?

- Would you be quiet?

See you're going to get me in trouble.

- Trouble? Fuck that!

- Who's he talking to?

Oh, crap! Did somebody
break into the temple?

- No, no!

OK. See, you broke that.

See, that was your fault.

- That, that was already broken.

- All right.

Let's charge in there, and
take these assholes out.

On my mark, that means when I say "go."

- That voice sounds familiar.

- Yeah, I find that annoying
and grating for some reason.

- OK, stop moving around.

Hold still!

- I am holding still.

You're the one that's moving.

- Yeah, that sounds like-
- Get your hands off me.

Fuck it, douche!

- I'm sorry, Church.

- Church?

- I can explain.

- Who the fuck are these guys?

- Keep watching your motion tracker.

This guy can turn invisible.

(static noise)

- Oh.

(grunts)

- Whoa. Did you hear that?

- Yeah, it was loud.

- Hey, guys! What's up?

- Donut?

- I just finished cleaning up Blue Base.

What's going on over here?

- Donut, that guy attacked me.

I ran out of the base screaming!

Why didn't you help me?

- You guys seemed like
you knew each other.

I thought you were just catching up.

- He was firing grenades at me!

- Yeah? So?

I thought that was an inside
joke between the two of you.

- What? What kind of joke would that be?

- Well, how do I know?

I've been gone a long time, Simmons.

- What?

- In fact, it was clear
that I didn't know the guy.

So shame on you for not introducing us.

And quite frankly, I found
the whole thing a bit rude.

- What?

- Rude.

- Church?

You're telling me that thing is Church?

- Well, not exactly.

See, uh, technically,
uh, this thing is, uh,

just a memory of Church.

Um, his name is Epsilon.

- Epsiwhatsawhat?

- Me, dipshit!

- Uh, yeah, see, he's a
resident memory of the guy

that Church was based on.

So he's kind of, like,
remembering himself.

Eh, Simmons can explain, you know, much

better than I can, probably.

- Sounds like I have another
reason to be glad Simmons

isn't here.

- Wait, I thought he was Simmons.

- He's Sarge.

Sarge.

- I'm confused, not deaf, you idiot!

Now, who's the yellow one?

- I'm not yellow! I'm orange.

- Yeah? Then how'd you know
who I was talking about?

- How come he remembers
us, but not who we are?

- Why does everyone think I'm yellow?

Seriously!

Didn't anybody have a box of
crayons when they were a kid?

- Oh, we will come back to it.

See, I've been telling him
stories about all of us.

Well, most of us.

- Is that what you've been
trying to do all this time?

Rebuild your buddy?

- Yes. No.

Maybe. Which would make you less mad?

- So the only stuff he knows
about us is what you told him?

That's scary on a lot of levels, dude.

- Why?
- Oh, why?

OK, quick quiz.

Who am I?

- You're Capt. Flowers, right?

You're dead.

I've been meaning to
ask you about that part.

Is he like a zombie?

- Uh-huh.

And who is he?

- He's Grif, which is spelled with two Fs.

- Goddammit!

OK. Now, that's another thing!

- Caboose was very specific
about that second F.

- Yeah, and what about the red guy?

- Well, if he's not Simmons,
then I guess he's Sarge.

That would make him the gruff
and regimented leader of the

Red Team.

- That actually seems pretty-

- Give him one more second.

- Which would make him also the captain

of their pirate ship.

- There it is.
- I am a good storyteller.

- How are you going to tell stories?

You can't even read stories.

- I can read.

- Caboose is the only guy I
know of who had an illustrated

field manual.

He's a moron.

- Well, it helps when
stories have pictures!

Duh!

- For the first two months I
worked with him, he thought

you held grenades over your
head, while they shot arrows

at the enemy.

The diagram could have
been a lot more specific.

- Heh, you're lucky.

As a recruit, Grif didn't
even know what a grenade was.

I called it a pineapple.

And he tried to swallow it.

- Yeah, well, it still tasted
better than those MREs you

serve us.

- Grif! Show some respect!

Do you know how many men
died to develop those meals?

- I can tell you exactly how many.

Everybody who ever tasted one!

- At least, he doesn't kill everyone who

suits up for your team.

- Oh, yeah, I don't
think I really did that.

- Then who did?

- OK, stick with me on this, right?

What if Church traveled
back in time using Wyoming's

special ability power-

- God, shut up! That's fucking retarded.

- (groans) You guys are idiots!

- What? What about you guys?

- Who's the real idiot?

The idiot or the idiot who fights him?

- What, dude? In either
scenario, you're still an idiot.

- Hah! I would expect you
to say something like that.

- Wait, I think he's right.

- Shut up, Grif!

I always thought your
armor is yellow, too.

Matches your personality.

- Hey you shouldn't be mean
to people who work for you

and just want to be your friend.

- No one tries to do that, but you!

- I think you're all a bunch of idiots,

and I'm going to fight everyone of you!

(bickering)

- Everybody stop!

- (shouting gibberish) It's
OK. I guess we're done now.

- All right, listen, guys.

I may not remember everything right now.

But it will come back to me, OK?

I can feel it.

But I do know this.

If we don't work together and
destroy this weapon, those

guys outside are going
to kill a lot of people.

And we can't let that happen.

So just for a moment, let's
set aside our differences and

get to work solving this problem together.

Being in charge is a tough
task, but I'm a born leader.

So if you follow me, I know
I can get us through this.

Are you with me?

- Where are you going?

- Uh, yeah, I don't seem to
have full control over my body

yet, but that doesn't
invalidate anything I said!

I assume leader!

Fuck! OK, I'll be right back!

No one else take the leader
position while I'm gone.

- OK, bye!

- I'm out.
- Me, too.

- Well, that's it.

I guess we're done then.

- Yeah Simmons, I have to say,
I didn't think I would go out

like this.

- Yeah, whatever. That's nice.

- You're not curious how
I thought I would go out?

- No. No, not in the least.

- How about you?

Did you think you'd go out like this?

- Under-equipped and
surrounded by people I hate?

Yeah, that's pretty much how
I pictured it since I got

assigned to this unit.

You see, I'm a realist.

- Lopez is right. We need
to think of something.

- Can we escape?
- I don't see how.

He's faster than us and stronger than us.

- Good idea, Lopez.

- You understood what he said?

- Yeah.

High school Spanish, remember?

He said the Meta must
have gotten here some way.

- We just need to find
his vehicle and steal it.

- That's a good idea, Lopez.

- OK, Let's think.

If you were a crazed lunatic, where

would you hide a vehicle?

- A garage is too obvious, Lopez.

We need to think of something crazier.

- Crazier!

- Well, clearly Lopez is just
having an off day, so let's

ignore him.

- So we're looking for some
kind of vehicle, probably

parked by Blue Base.

- What if it only has two seats?

- Hm, I didn't think about that.

Hey. Lopez, turn off
your ears for a second.

- OK, are they off?

- OK, good.

If there's no room,
we'll just leave Lopez.

He's pretty much expendable.

And they won't be able to get
any info out of him anyway.

- I feel bad about it,
though. He's been so loyal.

- So what? He's a robot!

He has to be loyal. Dogs are loyal, too.

But that doesn't mean you
can't eat them when you're

stranded in an Arctic outpost
and Command can't get rations

through because of a seasonal blizzard.

- That seems like a very specific example.

- I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, Lopez, you can turn
your ears back on now.

- Whoa, halt, cease!

Uh, abort that move.

Fuck!

- Church, wait!

- Wait? I can't wait.

I'm moving on my own, which
I realize doesn't make sense

when I say it out loud.

Oh, hey, look!

I figured out how to stop.

- Wow, you figured out how to not move?

You're a genius.

- Oh, check this out.

I go backwards, too.

Whoop!

- Oh, well, now you're just bragging.

- Well, it's important to me, asshole.

- I'm impressed. I can't go backwards.

- Stop patronizing me.

- Well, he's definitely
starting to remember you.

- I know Caboose.

He's the only guy that would talk to me

when I was in storage.

- You remembering anything else?

- I don't know.

It's fuzzy for some reason.

Maybe there's a file or
some kind of database

I can access in here.

Give me a second.

- Yeah, rooting around in your
brain seems like a great idea

when you've barely figured
out how to move on your own.

- Uh, hey, uh, Tucker, um, yeah.

Uh, Agent Washington told me
that Church, uh, I mean, uh,

Epsilon, is, um, a little messed up.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Yeah, I know.

I mean he's got some, uh,
memories that, uh, he probably

shouldn't access.

- What kind of memories?

- Uh, yes.

See, some people did
some bad stuff to him.

And, uh, he's kind of repressed, uh,

a lot of, uh, stuff.

Do you know what a repressed memory is?

- Yeah, Caboose.

I've repressed almost every
moment I've spent with you.

I'm actually repressing this as we speak.

- Well, thank you. That means a lot to me.

- Schematics, what the hell's schematic?

Um, see, man, there is a
lot of functions in here.

I can't figure out what
a tenth of these even do.

- Is nap a function?

Because that's my favorite.

Oh, also, eat ice cream.

- That is so stupid.

- Ah, you're right.

Technically, that is a
subroutine of just plain eat.

(boom)

- I wish those guys would just give up!

- Oh hey, here we go.

What does this do?

(click)

- What is this? Some
kind of training film?

- Yeah, I guess.

- I love movies.

Do you have "Kramer vs. Kramer" in there?

- It looks like it's teaching me how to

interact with guys like-

- Oh, ho ho, holy shit!

- Wow! I can do that?

I want to do that! How do I that?

- Was that a laser? That
was fucking awesome.

- I got to figure out how to do that!

- No, I told you guys
not to touch anything!

And now, you're in some floating crap.

Who knows what that thing can do?

Don't just go turning stuff on!

- Eeeh, what's that?

I'm going to try like, oooh.

- Whoa, whoa!

And definitely don't turn it
on while you're looking at me!

That eye creeps me out anyway.

- Well, maybe if I could just
access my long-term memories

so I could figure out
how these functions work.

- Uh, oh, yeah. I don't know.

See, I, I think that maybe
sounds like a bad idea.

And, uh, I don't know if I would go-

- Uh-oh.

- What? What happened?

- Crap.

Instead of turning on my
long-term memory, I think I

just shut off my short-term memory.

- Oh, is that bad?

- Ha?

Is what bad?

- Your memory thing getting shut off.

- Who shut off my memory?

- You did.
- I did what?

- Shut off your memory.

- Why do you want me
to shut off my memory?

- No, it's already shut off.

- What is?
- Your memory.

- Yeah, what about it?

- Wow, well, this is
a drastic improvement.

Hey, you!

- Me?

- Yes, you.

Don't touch anything
else or try to activate

any computer stuff!

- I can answer?

(boom)

- Did you hear that?

- Oh, crap!

- Oh my god!

What are we yelling about?

- I think they busted into the temple.

- Oh, fuck!

That sounds bad.

Where's the temple?

- Jesus Christ! Don't let
him talk to me anymore.

- OK.

- Don't talk to him.

- I can't fucking believe
I have two of them now.

- OK, here's the plan. We
run straight for Blue Base.

Keep your heads up and stay in formation.

Lopez, you take the lead.

- Exactly, I'll follow you, Lopez.

- I'll handle your rears.

- OK, change of plans.

I'll be last.

Lopez, you still go out in front.

- Donut, you be in the middle.

- It'll be a Donut sandwich.

Mm-hm.

- Dammit, Donut! You can ruin anything!

Do you see anything?

- Well, keep your eyes open then.

- Quiet, Lopez.

God, we've been over this.

- Simmons.

I'm scared.

- It's OK. We're all scared, Donut.

- Church, wait!

- I knew it.

This was a trap.

- What's a trap?

- Don't you see, Grif?

The Blues now have an advantage over us.

- What, you mean they
have a decent leader?

- No!

I mean they have three
people and we only have two,

approximately.

- You honestly believe
that the Blues orchestrated

all of this to get a one-man advantage.

- Of course.

They've been leading us
along this entire time!

It was all a diabolical
scheme to get the drop on us!

We just didn't see it
until now because it was so

cunningly crafted.

- We're talking about the
same Blues here, right?

There's not some other group
of Blues that I haven't heard

of?

- Of course not.

- Yeah, then no.

You're wrong. The new dude?

He's a floating ball.

I don't think he even counts as a person.

- Exactly.

He's a wild card.

We don't even know what he's capable of!

- He's a ball.

He's capable of rolling
and maybe bouncing.

(boom)

- Peter, Paul, and Ringo!
What the heck was that?

- That did not sound good.

- Did you guys hear that?

- Heard what?

Of course, we heard that, idiot!

- Oh, great! I think
they broke down the door.

- What?

Who would do that thing that
you said to the other thing?

- What's wrong with him?

- He disabled his memory or
something dumb while trying

to unlock this massive laser
eye he's got, I don't know.

- Laser?

- (grunts) See?

- Who has a laser?

- You do.

- I do?

- Yes.

- That's awesome, man.

I feel great about whatever
it is you were talking about.

- Caboose, shouldn't you be
killing him or something?

- Ow!

Hey! Cut it out!

- Tucker did it!

- No, he didn't, jackass. You did.

- So you remember that?

- Why wouldn't I remember that?

- You don't remember why
you wouldn't remember?

Then I guess you're fixed, fuck it!

- You guys never make any goddamn sense.

- Yeah, that's our problem.

- Over here! Split up.

You two, guard the entrance.

Don't let them out.

- Uh, I think we have more pressing issues

at the moment, fellows.

- He's right.

- I thought you said they
couldn't bust through the door.

- When did you guys start listening to me?

- Everybody grab some cover!

(grunts)

- Shit, there's two of them.

- Grif, don't panic.

You've been trained for this.

- This? I've been trained for this?

Being stuck in an ancient
temple surrounded by mystic

technologies while being hunted by aliens

from another planet!

This is what I've been trained for?

- OK, maybe not this
specifically, but elements of

this, which when combined and
liberally interpreted bear a

close resemblance to this.

- Not even close!

- Aw, just shut up and fight!

Today is a good day for you to die!

Hyaaah!

(gunfire popping)

- Look out!

- I just need them to get a little closer.

- Hey, Church?

Are you doing that?

- Doing what? Oh, cool!

Am I?

Oh look, I am!

That's awesome!

- What the fuck? When
did you get telekinesis?

- You have teleportesis?

Can you hear what I'm thinking right now?

- What? No.

- My guess would be nothing.

- Oh my god, Tucker has it, too!

- Shit, look at this!

This is so kick-ass.

I wonder what other powers I have.

Man, I could be the most powerful being

in the entire universe.

I'm like a superhero.

- Where are you going?

- Oops, uh, yeah, I think I
lost control of my body again.

- Yeah, some superhero.

You fucking dick.

(gunfire popping)

- Grif, listen.

We may not both make it out of this.

- What?

- If you die, I think I'm
prepared to live with that.

I've practiced it a lot.

But there's also a chance you
might survive and I won't.

- There'd be a better chance
if you'd help me shoot!

- In case I don't make it, I
can't help but think about all

the future mistakes you're
going to make, that I'm not

going to be there to scream at you about!

- Oh, stop. I'm getting all teary-eyed.

- I just want to let you know
that in my bunk back at the

base, there's a recorder deck.

I've prerecorded about 57
hours of rants that should be

applicable in a variety of situations.

Whenever you're feeling
good about yourself, I

want you to play one.

And always remember somebody hates you.

(gunfire popping)

(grunts)

- Oh, hey, alien.

What's up?

- Rrrh.

- Ceasefire!

- Rrrh.

- Uh, the alien's being weird in here!

- What's it doing?

- No, no, I've seen this before.

Some of the aliens worship
this ancient technology.

This one probably thinks
Church is some sort of god.

- Wow! Seriously?

That's way fucking cool.

- (gasps) Maybe that's
why your name is Church!

- Oh, what's up, praying dude?

How do you like me now? Biffle!

- WT fuck!

Why did you do that?

I think that's taking advantage
of your deity status, dude.

- Well, what good is being a god if you

can't smite some people?

Let's have fun.

- The shots came from down here!

- Right! Form up, men!

- Whoa! Incoming.

- Good luck, guys.

- Freeze! Lower your weapons.

You. Do you have any idea how
much trouble you've caused me?

I should kill you right here.

- Somebody's getting
killed? I want to watch.

- You activated it?

- Activated what?

- Secure the relic. Don't let it get away!

- Oh, cool pistol.

Green's my favorite color.

(blast)

- Taking a trip up!

- Church!

- Yes!
- Blurg!

- Great shot, Jones.

- Thanks. But it's actually
pronounced Joanna, sir.

(blast)

- Smith!

What are you doing?

(gunfire popping)

- What's happening?

- I think the aliens don't
like their human buddies

beating up on their religious artifacts.

(blasts)

- Get out of the way!

- Let's go!

- Wait! We need to grab Church!

- That guy in brown armor grabbed him.

- Cover me until I'm clear.

- Roar.

- There he goes!
Everybody get in the jeep!

- We got to get that thing turned over.

- I'll do it.

- Wow, you are strong.

- Is this thing even going to start?

- Hopefully.

Come on, Chupa baby!

- Tucker, where are you going?

- There's no room for me!

I'll be right back!

- OK, look for anything
that looks like a vehicle.

It may have wheels and/or seats.

- Stay calm. Don't panic!

- Lopez is right. Maybe we should panic.

- I'll try back here. It has to be, oh!

Somewhere.

- What the heck was that?

What?

Invisible car? That's too cool.

- The Meta must have cloaked it.

- I've never seen anything
like this before either, Lopez.

- OK, everybody, hop in.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

- There he goes.
- Uh, yeah, I see him.

- Well, see him faster.

- Look out for the guys behind us!

- How can I look out for
guys that are behind us?

- Don't shoot at me!

Shoot at them!

(engines revving)

- Caboose, charge that cannon!

- OK, Ready!

- Fire!

(blast)

- Aim!

- The engine died!

- Look, aliens.

Well, they must be here to help.

- They're going after CT.

Grif, get the engine started.

- Uh, Sarge?

- Uh-oh.

- Hey, assholes!

Hyaaah!

(crash)

- Fuck.

- Cannon's charged.

- OK, then fuck it, shoot them.

(boom)

- Uh, hey guys. Sorry about that.

- Tucker, where did you get that?

- Oh, this is my ride.

The aliens gave it to me as a gift.

Pretty fucking cool.

- Did they give you driving lessons, too?

- No, we kind of skipped that part.

But it looks awesome.

- Ahh!

Move, you piece of shit!

(honks)

(crash)

- Ugh!

- There he is!

- You guys follow him.

I'll cut him off.

- We can't lose Church!

- We won't!

- You always say that, but we always do!

(engine sputters)

- Goddammit, it won't start.

- Hm. It looks like he
disabled the starter.

- What do we do?

- It's no good! We can't do anything!

- All hope is lost.

- Oh no, the Meta!

- What are we going to
do without any ammo?

We're trapped!

- Hah! This thing always has ammo.

(gunfire popping)

(grunts)

- What?

- He said maybe you can
convince the Meta to stand in

front of it.

- What a stupid plan, Lopez.

Try to actually help.

- I agree, Lopez. Pencils are great.

- Caboose, what are you doing back there?

Shoot him!
- OK.

- No, don't shoot him.
You'll stall the jeep!

- OK.

- Grif, you drive.

Don't give Caboose directions.

- OK!

- Caboose, don't respond to Grif!

- OK.

- Only one shot at this.

(blasts)

- Jeep stalled.

- Like user error!

- Yeah, that's what it is.

- Got to time this.

Now!

(blast)

(explosion booms)

- Whoa!

Tucker! Look, he's still alive.

- I'll get CT.

You guys find Church.

- OK.

Church, where are you?

- Where the hell did he go?

- Freeze!
- Dammit!

- Tucker!

I should have killed you the
second I laid eyes on you.

I would have been long gone
if you hadn't interfered.

- OK, dude, I guess you got me.

I got nowhere to go.

Just tell me one thing, though.

Who are you really?

And who sent you here?

- Sorry, you'll never know.

- Hey, what's up?

- What in the hell is that thing?

Oh, son of a-

(blast)

- I am not a thing.

My name is Leonard Church.

And you will fear my laser face!

- Whoo, hell, yeah!

Dude, you just got fucked up.

- Wow!

Now, that was awesome.

- Yeah, awesome.

- Church, how did you do that?

- I don't really know.
I just got really mad.

And it just kind of, you know, happened.

- Can you do it again, like to
the yellow guy or something?

- I guess. Not really sure.

- I got a bad feeling about this.

- For once, Sarge, you and I agree.

- Look, guys. We need to
keep our head in the game.

Let's get back in that temple
and close it down for good.

- Um, guys?

I think we might have a problem with that.

- Uh-oh.

- Agent Washington.

It's Agent Washington.

- Who?
- Stop right there,

- Yes, we're saved.

- Stand down. I'll take it from here.

(grunts)

- I said, back off.

- What? What's happening?

- Where is it?

- Where's what?

Why aren't you two fighting?

- The Epsilon unit. I know you have it.

Give it to me.

- Wait, wait, wait.

You're working with the Meta?

- Don't make me repeat myself.

(gunshot bangs)

- Oh my god! He just shot Lopez!

(gunshot bangs)

- Donut?

- Hey, Simmons?

I think he shot me, too.

- Donut, no!

Donut! Donut!

Are you OK? Come on, breathe, Donut!

Breathe!

Why did you do that?

What's wrong with you?

- Now, Agent Washington,

I just have one more question for you.

- No, Donut! Come on, stay with me!

Stay with me, Donut.

- Agent Washington.

Agent Washington, are you listening to me?

- Hm? Yes.

I'm listening.

- Agent Washington, when you find

these Blue soldiers that
you're talking about, what

makes you think that they are
just going to give you the

Epsilon unit when you ask them for it?

- (chuckles) For as long as I
can remember I've been lied to

taken advantage of, shot in
the back, and left for dead.

And now, I have a way out of all this.

What in the hell makes you think that I'm

going to ask for it?

(upbeat music)

(plucky music)

♪ I've gotta keep on moving ♪

♪ I've gotta keep on moving ♪

♪ I've gotta keep on moving ♪

♪ I got troubles on my mind ♪

♪ Each day I'm getting stronger ♪

♪ Each day I'm getting stronger ♪

♪ Well you've got a fast horse ♪

♪ Yeah you've got a fast horse ♪

♪ Yeah you've got a fast horse ♪

♪ Take me with you ♪

♪ Each day I'm getting stronger ♪

♪ Each day I'm getting stronger ♪

♪ Last night I had a nightmare ♪

♪ My nightmare keeps me moving ♪

♪ And you've got a white mare ♪

♪ So take me with you ♪

♪ I've gotta keep on moving ♪

♪ I've gotta keep on moving ♪

♪ If you fall I'll catch you ♪

♪ If you fall I'll catch you ♪

♪ Each day I'm getting stronger ♪

♪ Each day I'm getting stronger ♪

♪ Take me with you ♪