Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Red vs. Blue: Revelation - full transcript
As former alliances are betrayed and friends become enemies, the Reds and Blues find themselves in an impossible predicament; in order to save the universe this time, they can't be totally incompetent. While on the run, the two teams must find a way to put aside their past differences and figure out the mystery behind Project Freelancer once and for all. Then they can get back to their past differences. The entire cast of Red vs. Blue returns for the most hilarious and eye-popping season to date. With a unique combination of machinima from the blockbuster video game Halo, and stunning new animated sequences, this is Red vs. Blue unlike anything you've seen before. Prepare for a Revelation...
(tense ominous music)
(radio crackling)
- [Doc] Come in Command, come in Command,
this is Medical Officer Dufresne.
I have arrived at Freelancer
Program Simulation Outpost 17.
Command?
Come in?
Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne.
I've reached FPS Outpost 17.
- [Simmons] Hey, down
here, we're over here!
Hey, come down here!
- [Doc] Nevermind, Command,
I think I see the objective.
Stupid radio doesn't work
anyway, what else is new?
(water whooshing)
(birds chirping)
Holy cow, Simmons, is that you?
- [Simmons] Oh, hey Doc, man,
I didn't know they'd send you.
- [Doc] Yeah, we got the radio call,
and I was the closest
medic so they sent me.
But I didn't know it'd be you guys!
Small galaxy, huh?
Man, we've got a lotta catching up to do.
So what's up, somebody hurt or what?
What's going on?
- Him.
- [Doc] Him?
Um, he's dead.
- [Simmons] Yeah, he is.
He was shot.
- Um, Simmons,
I know it's been a while
since we've seen each other,
and I have increased my skill
as a medic in that time,
but dead is still pretty
much outside my jurisdiction.
- [Simmons] Man, I just
didn't know they'd send you.
- [Doc] Yeah, you said that already.
Hey is everything okay with you?
- [Simmons] It's not my fault Doc,
(stammers) I had to make
the call, they made me.
They needed someone with medical training.
- [Doc] What're you talkin' about?
- [Simmons] I didn't mean
for you to get involved,
I'm sorry, really.
- Sorry about what?
Uh-oh.
- [Washington] He's sorry about us.
(logo buzzing)
(tense dramatic music)
(logo whooshing)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Hey Grif, what's up?
- Hm, oh, hey Tucker.
- What're you doing?
- [Grif] Well, Sarge told
me to bury all the bodies
from our battle.
- That's a lot of graves.
A lot of holes to fill,
bow chicky bow wow.
- [Grif] And now I can't find 'em,
because the bodies were piled over here
by these stone pillars,
and then the wind came,
and blew sand all over the damn things
- [Tucker] So I guess they're
already buried, good job dude.
- [Grif] I like the way you think.
- [Sarge] Grif, what the
hell are you doing up here?
I thought I told you to bury those bodies?
What?
- He did,
he buried the shit out of 'em, look.
- What the, I only gave you
that order five minutes ago.
How'd you do it so fast?
Did you help him?
- Help him?
Dude, we've been fighting
for like eight years,
haven't you learned anything about me yet?
I'm a lover, not a digger.
- Yeah (laughs),
maybe he woulda helped
me if some of the bodies
were dead ladies.
And I realize that sounded a lot creepier
than what I intended.
- [Sarge] Well, does someone
wanna say a few words?
- Words?
- Yes,
these men were soldiers.
Even if they were enemy soldiers,
they still deserve a eulogy.
- [Tucker] Well don't look at
me, I'm a lover not a talker.
Hey dude, you wanna make another
sex-with-dead-people joke?
- [Grif] No, I think I hit my quota.
- [Sarge] Well what about
your buddy mister cult leader?
- [Church] So, then this one guy
said some things to another
guy, and the people liked it,
and that's pretty much that.
- It's not his fault,
those aliens just worship
this ancient technology,
and the people who made it (laughs),
what's a brother gonna do?
- [Sarge] Who in Sam
Hell worships technology?
- [Grif] Are they from the Internet?
- [Caboose] Yes, this is
just very interesting.
I understand everything
that is being said, good.
- [Tucker] Caboose, what're
you doing, get out of there.
- [Caboose] It's not fair!
Hey, I worshiped Church,
way before it was cool
to worship him.
- Hey, I already told you
that's still not cool.
That will never, be cool ever.
- [Church] Oh, hey there guys.
How's life among all the non-deities?
Pretty lame, I bet!
Pretty sure none of you've been worshiped
all day long today, weak!
- [Sarge] Do ya think you
guys might be milkin' this
just a bit?
- [Tucker] Hey, do you
wanna tell the big group
of deadly aliens that they're mistaken,
and he's not who they think he is?
- [Sarge] Hm, I see your point.
Hey, your circular holiness!
How about delivering the eulogy?
We're buryin' most of these
guys 'cause of you anyway.
- [Church] Me? I only lasered one guy.
- [Caboose] Which was awesome.
- [Church] I know it was, right?
- [Caboose] So cool, the
laser came out of your face.
- [Tucker] Have you
been able to figure out
how you did that yet?
- No, I think it's just
because I got really mad.
Hey, say something to make me angry.
See if it happens again.
- You're ugly,
and nobody likes you.
- You're annoying,
and your team sucks.
- You're round,
and you can't wear pants.
- [Church] You guys came up
with all that really quickly.
- [Tucker] Eh, it pays to be prepared.
Did it work, are you pissed?
- [Church] No, I think I'm
actually kinda depressed now.
Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.
- [Caboose] Well I only said it
because everyone is thinking it.
- [Tucker] Maybe mad makes a red laser,
and depressed'll make a blue laser.
- [Caboose] Well I hope we don't find out
what makes a brown laser.
- You idiots shut up.
Hey Globey, you makin'
a speech or ain't ya?
- [Church] Hey sure no problem.
I did a sermon just the other
day that the aliens loved
- [Tucker] Sermon, you just
read them the setup guide
to our Inkjet printer.
- [Church] Yeah, and they
eat that gadget stuff up.
You gotta know your audience, buddy.
- [Grif] How is it possible
that ever since Caboose
revived you, you can't remember anything
except how to be a jackass?
- Some things are hardwired.
- [Church] Attention true believers,
and other people.
We are here today to pay our
final, and our first, respects,
to the dearly departed.
But first, I'd like you
all to join me in a song
in honor of me.
♪ Hm ♪
♪ I am the best. ♪
- Skip it!
- Fine.
Okay, uh, in the beginning,
there was darkness,
and uh, and out from the
darkness came a voice.
And it said.
(tense dramatic music)
And it said.
(Church stammering)
Out, out from the darkness came.
(tense dramatic music)
Out from the darkness.
- [Grif] Is his playback skipping?
- [Tucker] I don't know.
- [Sarge] Maybe he needs a reboot.
Good thing I wore my boots.
I'll reboot him right
in the keister (laughs).
- [Church] Out from the
darkness came, uh, someone.
I'll be right back.
(aliens grunting)
- [Tucker] Uh oh, the
natives are getting restless.
Caboose, get up there and stall 'em,
I'll figure out what's going on.
- [Caboose] Yes, and out of
the darkness came someone!
And that someone was me!
Yes.
And I said,
funerals are sad,
and we should have a
birthday party instead, yes!
Yes, let there be cake!
Um, hallelujah,
gesundheit!
- [Church] Hey you, hold
on a second, who are you?
Hey I'm talkin' to you, what are you deaf?
What are you.
(water flowing)
What?
- Church!
Hey Church, what are
you doing out here, man?
- What, what?
- The aliens don't like it
when you leave 'em alone.
And I don't like it when
the aliens don't like stuff.
- Did you see him?
- Who?
- [Church] The person,
from the darkness, the,
no, uh, that's not
right, that's not right.
Well did you see?
- [Sarge] What's he talkin' about?
- [Tucker] I think he's
having another memory flash.
- [Sarge] A what?
- [Tucker] Random memories
that keep coming back to him.
He's been getting 'em
more and more lately,
and I don't think he has
any control over 'em.
He gets all emo too, it's annoying,
like having a chick around,
but without all the fun parts
of having a chick around, like bonin'!
- [Sarge] You should
take out his memory unit,
and blow on it, that'll fix it.
- [Caboose] Is he having more memories?
- Yep.
- Did he remember me
this time?
- Nope.
- [Church] I saw a canyon,
and a, uh, a waterfall.
And there was some
kinda dark figure there.
- [Caboose] Was the dark figure me?
- [Tucker] Caboose, we will
let you know if you come up,
I promise.
A waterfall, huh?
That's the second time
you've talked about that.
- [Church] Yeah, but where could that be?
- [Grif] Uh, that sounds
like our new bases.
- [Caboose] It does?
It does!
- What?
Caboose, why didn't you
mention that the first time?
- [Caboose] Um, I didn't remember it?
- [Tucker] You didn't
remember a waterfall?
Dude, that's like not
remembering your first girlfriend
turned out to have a dick.
Right Grif?
- [Grif] Sometimes I'm sorry
I even told you that story.
(Sarge grunting)
- Hey, Sarge, what's wrong?
- [Sarge] I don't like this, Grif.
- [Grif] What, the vision?
- [Tucker] It's a waterfall!
It's literally impossible to
forget, like girlfriend dick!
- [Sarge] Yeah.
I've never been what you
call a new age kind of guy.
- [Grif] You don't say.
- [Sarge] But this bowling
ball seems to be on a heck
of a role, pun intended.
- [Sarge] What with the
flying and the laser shooting
and all.
- And he can lift stuff
without arms.
It's pretty cool.
- That too.
What if there's something
to this whole vision thing?
We need to call Simmons.
Find out if he's seen
anything out of the ordinary.
- [Grif] How, our long range
radio here got destroyed,
and we don't have enough
signal power in the jeeps
to reach him.
- [Sarge] I think I have
an idea how to fix that.
(slow dramatic music)
(Doc panting)
- [Doc] Ow, my head, ow!
- [Simmons] Doc, you're alive, oh good!
- [Doc] Yeah, no thanks to you!
Why'd you hit me?
- [Simmons] I didn't hit you, they did!
- [Doc] Jerks, who are they?
- [Simmons] The dark one's
Washington, he's a freelancer.
- [Doc] Great, 'cause those
guys are always such a blast
to hang around with.
- [Simmons] The big one, we call the Meta.
- [Doc] But rumor had it
those guys were disbanded.
Everyone went to jail.
- [Simmons] Yeah, well,
I guess they got paroled.
- [Washington] You two, quiet.
(Meta growling)
(Meta buzzing)
- [Washington] Then you
need to stop trying to use
all of them, you just don't
have the resources anymore.
- [Simmons] Meta killed a
bunch of other freelancers.
He took their equipment.
- Like the invisibility?
- Yeah, and the shield,
and the thing that slows down time.
He also stole their AI fragments,
but those all got wiped out.
Now something seems, I
don't know, wrong with him.
- [Doc] An AI fragment?
That I remember!
Hey, Simmons, remember
that AI I had for a while?
That thing was crazy!
(Meta growling)
Yikes!
- [Washington] Halt!
Meta, stop!
- [Doc] Ooh, Simmons, help me!
- [Washington] You, what did you just say?
- [Doc] (stutters) That I
had one of your AI units?
(Meta snarling)
- Stand down!
You said had, where is it now?
- Gone.
- Which one?
- [Doc] Uh, uh, the mean one!
- [Washington] Its name,
did you know its name?
- [Doc] (stammers)
O'Malley, I mean, uh, Omega!
- [Washington] Well, that
one's been accounted for.
- [Doc] I only had it for a short time!
- [Washington] Well, then good,
you know what to look for.
I need a complete scan of my friend here,
and I would recommend you
don't use any needles.
He hates needles and we
wouldn't want to make him angry,
now would we?
(slow dramatic music)
- [Sarge] All right, let's try this!
You ready, antenna ball?
- [Church] I told you not to
call me that, and hurry it up!
This metal rod isn't exactly
in a comfortable place.
- [Grif] Hey, do you wanna
find out about your vision,
or don't you?
- Come in,
Valhalla outpost number one, come in!
Red base, do you read me?
Come in!
Give me some more power, shotput.
- [Simmons] Uh, Sarge, yeah, hi.
- [Sarge] Who is this, identify yourself?
- [Simmons] It's me, Simmons, sorry, sir.
- [Sarge] How's everything
going there, Simmons?
- [Simmons] Here, uh, fine, I guess.
Everything's good how about you guys?
- [Sarge] Mission is complete.
We're preparing to head out soon.
- [Simmons] What was that,
sorry, some static here.
This radio's a little messed up.
Been a bit rainier here.
- [Sarge] I said we're coming back soon.
- [Simmons] Oh, that's great!
Hey, when do you think
that'll be, exactly?
- [Sarge] Hard to say,
Simmons, we'll let you know.
- [Simmons] Okay, Sarge, sounds good.
- [Sarge] Over and out.
- [Washington] Okay, good,
now get back over there.
- That was your Sergeant?
- Yeah.
- [Doc] You think he'll come help us?
- [Simmons] No, I couldn't
say anything to him.
If they come, they'll be
walking straight into a trap.
- Thanks for the help.
- Yeah, whatever.
I'm not gonna fly straight for a week now.
- [Grif] Simmons sounded good.
I guess he's got everything under control.
- [Sarge] Donut and Lopez are dead,
and someone has taken Simmons prisoner.
- [Grif] What, everything
sounded fine to me.
- [Sarge] Think about it.
How do you answer the radio at our base?
- [Grif] Thank you for calling Red Base,
this is Private Grif, how
may I assist you today?
- [Sarge] And we've
drilled that since day one!
Simmons answered "Hi!".
That was my first clue.
- So maybe he's just-
- [Sarge] He also said the
radio was in disrepair.
When has Lopez ever let something go
without the proper maintenance?
- Never.
- And look at the time.
- [Grif] Can't, the clock's broken.
- [Sarge] It's 17:30, and
everybody knows that 17:30 is?
- [Grif] Donut's daily
wine and cheese hour!
- [Sarge] I didn't hear any
tinkling glasses, did you?
- [Grif] You're right.
- [Sarge] He also mentioned
that the weather was rainier.
- [Sarge] And as we all know,
Mount Rainier is the biggest
land mass in the state of?
Washington.
- We do?
Uh, I mean we do!
- [Sarge] How many Washingtons do we know?
- [Grif] Did he mean Agent Washington?
- [Sarge] And who's the
biggest mass we know
associated with Washington?
- The Meta!
- [Sarge] So, the Meta and
Washington have teamed up
to kill Donut and Lopez,
and now they're holding
Simmons and Doc prisoner.
- [Grif] We have to help, wait, Doc?
(stammers) How do you know he's there?
- [Sarge] Please, Grif, it's so obvious.
I don't wanna insult your intelligence
by explaining every little detail.
- [Grif] Oh, (stammers) okay.
- [Sarge] Come on,
we're going to Valhalla!
It's time for a rescue mission!
- [Grif] Rescue mission?
How the hell are we supposed
to fight Wash and the Meta?
- [Sarge] Don't worry, I have a plan.
How good are the seatbelts
in this new jeep?
- [Grif] Good, I guess.
- [Church] Valhalla, huh?
- [Grif] Wait, why?
(tense dramatic music)
- [Washington] Doc, what did
you find out in your scan
of the Meta?
- [Doc] Um, it's hard to say.
He's added so much non-standard
equipment to his armor
I can't really get a good reading on him.
- [Washington] I didn't ask you to run
an intelligence report on
him, I wanted a medical one.
- [Doc] His power systems are stressed
from trying to maintain it all.
- [Doc] Is he missing some
component that controls all this,
or-
- Physically.
Is he fine physically?
- [Doc] Yeah, I guess.
- [Washington] Good, next time,
answer the question I ask.
I'm watching you two. Give me
any trouble, and you're dead.
Don't believe me, ask your
buddy about his friend, Donut.
- [Doc] Hey, he does
realize that I'm the one
who scanned Donut's dead body, right?
- [Simmons] I think he
was just making a point.
Hey, I have an idea, give
me your scanner thing.
- [Doc] My scanner? Why? it
can't be used as a weapon.
- [Simmons] Maybe it can.
If I can overload the power cell,
you may be able it will be able to fire
an overcharged burst.
It could short out the Meta's
systems, either that or-
- [Doc] Or what?
- [Simmons] Huh, What,
no, no, no, no, no or,
just that, forget the or.
- [Doc] You were gonna
say explode, weren't you?
- [Simmons] No.
- [Doc] Were you thinking explode?
- [Simmons] Will you just
give me the damn scanner?
- [Sarge] Oh, Simmons!
Simmons, where are you?
Yoo-hoo!
(water flowing)
- [Washington] Looks
like just one of them.
- [Sarge] Yoo-hoo!
- [Washington] I don't know if he has it.
I can't see from this far.
- [Sarge] Simmons!
- [Washington] No you stay
here, guard these two.
I'll go out there.
If he gives me any trouble,
just kill the prisoners,
and come help me.
- [Doc] I hope your friend
doesn't give him any trouble.
- [Simmons] If he's one of my friends,
we don't stand a chance.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Yo, dudes!
Sarge!
Grif!
Where'd you go?
Oh, great.
- [Caboose] Um, hey, Tucker?
- [Tucker] Yeah, what's up, dude?
- [Caboose] Um, have you seen Church?
- [Tucker] No, I'm
looking for the red guys.
Looks like the fixed one
of the jeeps and took off.
- [Caboose] Oh, well that's not good.
- [Tucker] Maybe Church went with 'em,
maybe they took him, I don't know, dude.
- [Caboose] Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I don't think that would happen.
- [Tucker] What, how
the fuck would you know?
- [Caboose] 'Cause if he was gone,
I think some people who
have been looking for him
might be really mad that he's not here,
and we might have to
explain to those people
why he's not here,
and those people might
not like our explanation,
and those people might
hurt us with plasma guns
and plasma grenades.
- [Tucker] Oh, right.
- [Caboose] I mean the aliens.
- [Tucker] Yeah, I figured that out.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Maroon 1,
Maroon 1, where are you?
- [Washington] Great, this guy.
Freeze, stay where you are.
Turn around.
- [Sarge] Well, well, if
it isn't our good buddy,
Agent Washington.
And just what are you doing here?
- [Washington] Don't
play dumb with me, Sarge.
I think you know why I'm here.
- [Washington] Where's
the rest of your guys?
Where's Epsilon?
- [Sarge] Someplace safe.
- [Washington] You can either tell me,
or you can tell the Meta back at the base.
- [Sarge] The Meta is here?
- [Washington] Yes, and
he really wants a chance
to repay you guys for all
the trouble you caused him.
- [Sarge] I seemed to
recall you caused him
some of that trouble yourself.
- [Washington] Situation's
changed, now drop your weapons.
- [Sarge] Just so you know,
I'm gonna want that back in a minute.
- [Washington] I said, drop your weapons.
- All my weapons?
- Yes.
- [Sarge] Are you sure, maybe
I can just keep the pistol.
You know these things aren't
effective as they used to be.
- [Washington] Drop it, now!
- [Sarge] Well, that's what people say.
- [Washington] Good, now march.
- [Sarge] Son, you can
insult me, you can ambush me,
you can even take away my weapons,
but if you think I'm gonna
set one single pinky toe
inside a Blue Base without my shotgun,
you must not know who you're dealing with.
- [Washington] I said move.
- [Sarge] And I said "shotgun".
- [Washington] Yes, I have your shotgun.
- [Sarge] No, I mean shotgun.
- [Washington] What is this,
you think I'm gonna give you
your shotgun because you asked?
- [Sarge] I said shotgun!
Shotgun, dammit!
- [Grif] Oh, yeah, shotgun, that's my cue.
- [Washington] What,
wait, what are you up to?
What is that noise?
(car engine growling)
Do I hear a
(wall thudding)
car?
(tense dramatic music)
- [Grif] How does my
bumper taste, asshole?
Uh-oh!
(Washington grunting)
(Grif grunting)
(gunshots booming)
Yikes!
(gun cocking)
- [Sarge] See, told you I'd get it back.
(Washington thudding)
- [Grif] How 'bout next
time we use a code word,
we choose something you
don't say every five seconds?
- [Sarge] Just drive, numbnuts.
(car engine growling)
(Washington grunting)
- [Washington] What?
- [Sarge] Agent Wash.
- [Washington] Son of a bitch.
- You just got-
(explosion booming)
Goddammit, I messed up my one-liner!
- [Church] I guess they
came this way (hums).
- [Simmons] Okay, now's our chance Doc!
Hit him with an overcharge.
It should overload at
least one of his systems.
- [Doc] Um, you do it.
- [Simmons] What, me, I
don't even know how to fire
that thing!
- Just pull the trigger,
and let go, it's super easy.
- No, no, no,
you're trained with it,
you should do it, go!
- [Doc] What if I miss?
What if it doesn't do
anything but make him mad?
I already made him mad once,
and that didn't really work out very well.
- [Simmons] (stammers)
Well, then we'll just,
we'll improvise.
- Yeah,
I don't feel entirely
comfortable with that answer.
(explosion booming)
What the heck was that?
- [Simmons] Uh-oh, I
just have a bad feeling
that someone just caused him trouble.
- [Simmons] Oh no, improvise, improvise.
(Meta grunting)
(Meta buzzing)
(Meta beeping)
(Meta grunting)
(gun cocking)
- [Doc] Am I dead, am I dead?
- [Simmons] Doc, you did it!
- [Doc] He's frozen.
- [Simmons] No, it looks
like you overloaded
his time distortion unit.
You must have caused
some kind of inversion.
Instead of making everything
else slow, it made him slow.
- [Doc] Oh yeah, score
one for the pacifist!
How you like me now, Meta?
- [Simmons] Um, Doc, I
wouldn't get too close to him
if I were you.
- Why, what's he gonna do?
Beat me up over the course
of the next two weeks?
- [Simmons] Well, technically
he's not actually moving slower,
he's moving at the same speed
just over a longer period of time.
- Huh?
- It's relativistic.
His fist still travels
at the same velocity,
we just view it from a faster timeframe.
Therefore it looks slowed
down, but theoretically,
it should still carry the same force.
- [Doc] Nah, see, it's moving slower!
(tense dramatic music)
(helmet dinging)
(Doc screaming)
Ow.
- [Simmons] See? That's
what you get for arguing
with science, stupid bitch.
- [Doc] Simmons, get me out of this wall.
- [Simmons] Hm, how do I do this?
What the fuck (grunts)?
- [Doc] You're not keep
pulling from my center.
- [Simmons] From the center,
what the fuck is the center?
- [Doc] Get down, and pull from my groin.
(Simmons grunting)
Let go, stop pushing at my head, hey.
It feels like you're saving your strength.
Don't save your strength.
Hurry, Simmons, I think that
big guy's speeding back up!
- [Simmons] Oh, shit, um-
- [Sarge] Simmons, where
are you, come out here!
- [Simmons] I'm here,
hold on just a second!
Doc, it looks like I can't get you out.
- [Doc] Yes you can!
(stammers) You can, you
haven't really tried yet!
- [Simmons] I know, you're right,
I should think about the mission.
- [Doc] What, no, no, no,
no, this is a rescue mission.
I'm part of the mission.
- [Simmons] It's a noble
sacrifice you're making here.
- [Doc] No, no, I'm not
sacrificing, I'm not noble at all.
Listen to me, (stammers)
I don't want you to go.
I don't want you to go!
- I'll always remember you,
bye!
- Start by remembering me
right now!
Simmons!
(Meta growling)
- [Sarge] Hurry it up!
(Simmons screaming)
(gunshots booming)
- [Simmons] Huh (screams)?
- [Sarge] Simmons, stop
showing off and get in already!
- [Simmons] This isn't on purpose!
No, wait, wait, wait!
Guys, guys, just slow
down a little (gurgles).
- [Sarge] What did he say?
(Meta growling)
Grif, incoming!
- [Grif] Don't worry, we'll
just do what we did last time.
(car thudding)
(glass shattering)
- [Simmons] Oh shit!
(gunshots booming)
I'm scared to hold on,
but I'm scared to let go!
- [Grif] Look out!
(Sarge grunting)
(flame whooshing)
(Grif grunting)
- [Sarge] That was the
worst driving of all time.
- [Grif] Because that wasn't driving,
that was flying and burning!
- [Sarge] Touche.
- [Simmons] (stammers)
What happened, where am I?
- [Sarge] Get ready, men,
remember, he can't kill all of us.
- [Grif] Why can't he kill all of us?
- [Sarge] Hm, That is a good point.
- [Simmons] What, hey, I'm okay!
- [Sarge] Get ready.
- [Grif] This is not going to be good.
- [Church] Hey guys, what's going on?
Man, your jeep got fucked up!
Who's the big dude, what's up, Gigantor?
(Meta sneering)
Whoa!
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
- [Grif] What are you doing here?
- [Sarge] Who cares, just
lead him out of here!
- [Church] Hey ho, where?
- [Sarge] Anywhere that's not here.
- [Church] Hey come
on, big boy, follow me!
Look how shiny I am, woo hoo!
- Come on!
- [Simmons] What the fuck
was that floating thing?
- [Grif] We'll explain later, run!
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] Come on big boy, come this way.
Wait a minute, I know this place.
Hello?
Somebody in there?
(Meta sneering)
Oh, shit!
You scared the crap out of me.
- [Sarge] Quick, everyone,
through the hole.
Just sayin' that makes me miss Donut.
- [Grif] What're we gonna
do, we can't outrun him,
and our Jeep is destroyed.
- [Sarge] We have to seal the opening.
- [Simmons] Do we have any grenades?
- [Sarge] Negative, we
need a plan of action.
- [Church] Hey I know
he's a friend of yours,
but I gotta tell you, that
guy with the shiny head
is kind of an asshole.
- [Simmons] Well if you're
here, then where's the.
Oh no, there's the Meta!
(Meta sneering)
Come on we have to hurry!
- [Grif] I have an idea.
Hey, you, dipshit!
- You talkin' to me?
- Yeah, you,
This is all your fault
you stupid piece of junk.
You got us in this mess.
- [Church] Me? It was your
friend we had to rescue.
- [Grif] Ah bullshit, now
the Meta's coming up here,
and he's gonna kill all
of us, starting with you.
- [Sarge] What are you doing?
- [Church] I wasn't even
looking for you guys,
I was trying to find-
- [Sarge] Oh, I get it.
Can it, you overgrown ornament!
- [Church] Oh, now you wanna start?
- [Grif] Hey, I'm not done
with you yet, ball bearing.
- [Church] That's rude.
- [Sarge] Your mother takes
it in the exhaust port!
- [Grif] Come on, Simmons, help us.
- [Simmons] I don't even
know what you're doing.
- [Sarge] Your mother gets
paddled like a pinball!
- [Church] Hey, let's
leave mothers outta this!
- [Grif] We're trying to
increase the stress level.
- [Sarge] We need some insults!
- [Simmons] Um, okay.
Grif, you're so fat you broke
your arm and gravy came out.
Sarge, I find a lot of
your tactical decisions
to be questionable if
not downright mediocre.
- [Sarge] Not insults
for us, Simmons, for him!
- [Simmons] I don't understand
the rules of your stupid game
I just got here!
- [Church] Ah, you guys are idiots.
- [Grif] This isn't working,
we need something to
make him mad, really mad.
- [Simmons] Has he seen the last episode
of "The Sopranos" yet?
(Meta sneering)
- [Church] Uh oh, look out,
it's the big guy, and there's.
- [Washington] Get them, Meta, get them!
- [Church] Washington!!!
(laser booming)
- [Church] What, no, open it up!
Open it up, I have to go back!
- [Sarge] Go back, son, are you crazy?
After what we just went
through to get outta there?
- [Church] No, he'll find her!
Don't you understand, I can't
let them get to her first.
(metal clanking)
- Wow,
I guess he ran out of juice.
- [Sarge] He's had a hard day.
Let him sleep it off, load
him up, let's hit the road.
- [Simmons] So, what is this
thing, like some kind of pet?
- [Grif] Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Come on, I'll fill you in.
(Meta sneering)
- [Washington] Don't worry,
we'll find them again.
We just need some leads, and
I know exactly who to ask.
- [Doc] Hey guys, a little help here.
Hello?
Assholes.
(uptempo dramatic music)
(aliens growling)
- [Caboose] Get away, bad aliens!
Shoo aliens, shoo!
Rolled up newspaper!
- [Tucker] Maybe you should
have thought about that
before you lost their all powerful deity.
- [Caboose] I didn't lose him, he left!
Or maybe he lost himself,
or maybe the reds took him!
I don't, ow, stop that!
- [Tucker] Well, until the reds come back,
they need somebody to blame,
it's better you than me, man.
- [Caboose] Tucker, help me!
- [Tucker] Yeah dude, I don't know.
I don't really wanna get
in between an angry mob
and their religious iconography,
and I should know, I used
to date an Italian girl.
- [Caboose] But he's not
really a god, it's all made up!
You know that.
(aliens grunting)
- [Tucker] Whoa, dude, I don't know shit.
That sounds like straight up blasphemy.
Are you guys gonna put up with this shit?
(alien grunting)
I know, dude,
that's what I'm saying.
Took the blarg right out of my mouth.
- [Caboose] Tucker,
they're going to eat me!
- [Tucker] Caboose, shut the fuck up,
they're not gonna eat you,
they're just gonna
persecute you and kill you,
stop being such a baby.
- [Caboose] Look! The reds, they're back,
and they have your worshippy guy!
- [Tucker] What, Sarge?
- [Sarge] Hey blue, we're
back, got Simmons too.
Where's the water can?
Oh, also, you got any more
spare jeeps around here?
I don't wanna get into it,
but we've identified a tactical weakness
in the hood of the current models.
So uh, what are you guys
doin', killin' Caboose?
That's cool.
- There he is!
He is the one who took Church!
Get him.
(aliens grunting)
(Sarge grunting)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] How's floaty McGee?
- [Simmons] Hey, you know.
Same old, still not working.
- [Grif] Is he dead?
- [Simmons] How the fuck would I know?
And even if he was, would
it make a difference
with this guy?
- [Grif] Meh, probably not.
- [Simmons] And now he's
got sand all in his ports.
How am I supposed to fix him
in an environment like this?
- [Grif] Sounds like you
have sand in your ports.
- [Simmons] Why do we even come
here, it's a fucking desert!
- [Grif] I don't know,
this is where we were
before we came to get you,
and where else can we go anyway?
There's bad guys at our base,
and Sarge never wants us
to get far from the blues.
I don't know if you've
noticed this, Simmons,
but he's a little obsessed.
He still wants us to get
'em back in the database,
so we can kill 'em.
How's that going by the way, any progress?
- [Simmons] Progress?
- [Grif] It's your project.
- [Simmons] I was held captive!
- [Grif] Whatever, dude.
If Sarge takes that as an excuse
for not getting work done,
let me know, I'll get
captured all the time.
- [Sarge] Nope, they're right
around this corner up here!
Grif and Simmons!
Right up here where we're walking!
- [Grif] Uh oh, here he comes,
you're about to get busted!
- [Sarge] And you'll see when
we get around this corner
up here, we don't have any
kind of floating device!
No balls or spheres or anything!
- [Simmons] Who's he talking to?
- [Sarge] You'll see, big group of aliens!
We don't have anything like that at all!
- [Grif] What, uh oh.
- [Church] What, where am I?
- [Grif] (hushes) Dude, shut up, be quiet!
- No, what-
- Shut your hole!
- [Church] What's happening,
how did I get here?
- Oh, shit.
- Don't do it you fucker!
- [Simmons] What the, what are you doing?!
- [Grif] Shut up, man, be cool.
- [Simmons] Be cool?
(aliens grunting)
Whoa!
I mean, what's the 411, daddios?
Me and my homie were just
hanging all up in here.
Deserts feel, it's all good.
You know what I'm sayin' Skrillas?
- [Grif] What the fuck are you doing?
- [Simmons] You told me to be cool!
- [Grif] Right, so what
the fuck are you doing?
- [Sarge] As you can see,
we don't have your stupid rolley balogna!
It's just this yellow guy,
and MC Fonzarillo over here.
- [Simmons] Whatevs
y'all, you don't know me.
- [Tucker] Ah ha ha, I gotcha.
See, I knew they would have it.
- [Caboose] Uh,. I don't see him.
Oh my god, he's invisible!
- [Tucker] All right,
reds, what did you do with-
- [Sarge] Book it, quadruple time!
- [Tucker] It, dammit, I
should have seen that coming.
- [Tucker] Well, Caboose, I
guess we're on our own, dammit.
(aliens grunting)
- [Tucker] All right,
I'll just go get up on top
of the pillar.
(alarm blaring)
- [Grif] Uh oh.
- [Sarge] Grif, what are you stopping for?
Ah nuts.
- [Simmons] What, there he is!
- [Caboose] Oh no, he
landed in the middle of the,
uh, of the, of the there.
The, uh, the over there.
- [Simmons] So, lets get him.
- [Grif] Yeah, tell you what, Simmons,
why don't you go get him.
- [Sarge] We'll secure the
area here while you retrieve!
- [Simmons] (Sighs) Okay,
I don't have time for this.
(Explosion booming)
Ow!
You knew, didn't you?
- [Caboose] Yeah, kinda.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] All right, Doc,
I wanna ask you a few questions.
- [Doc] Where'd the Red
guys go, did they get away?
- [Washington] Quiet, I'm
asking you the questions,
you're not asking me.
- What kind of questions?
- [Washington] Hey, I
just said, no questions!
- Can I ask questions later?
- Doc!
- [Doc] What, oh, that's a
question, sorry, go ahead.
- [Washington] You know
what, get him out of there.
I can't talk to him like this.
(Meta snarling)
- [Doc] What're you, stop it!
- [Washington] What, well,
try pulling harder, then.
- [Doc] Be gentle, be gentle!
- [Washington] Grab lower,
near the center of gravity.
- [Doc] You've got cold hands!
- [Washington] Try the codpiece.
(Meta snarling)
Oh, we're all adults here.
(Meta snarling)
No, I don't wanna try!
- Don't repress your feelings!
- [Washington] I can't
interrogate him like this,
it's ridiculous.
I can't believe I have to deal with this.
What are we gonna do?
(Meta snarling)
(rope clanking)
(rope whooshing)
(hook clanking)
Hm, that might work.
(uptempo dramatic music)
(Sarge laughing)
- [Sarge] Seems like all
the kicking and blowing up
put some life back in the
little guy, that's adorable.
- [Grif] Why are all his blue parts green?
- I don't know.
- Caboose, is that you?
- Delta?
- Caboose,
I need you to listen, my time is brief.
Epsilon is not in control right now.
But he will be again, shortly.
- Great!
- [Delta] Perhaps not, the
encounter with Agent Washington
has jarred loose many of his memories.
Epsilon has not, historically,
coped with these memories well.
- [Grif] What does mean?
- [Delta] We fear he may
pursue certain memories
in particular.
- Who is we?
- [Delta] Myself, and the other memories
of the Alpha fragments.
- [Grif] What the fuck is that?
Who the fuck are you, and
what the fuck is happening?
- [Delta] Epsilon may not
yet be aware of our presence,
but eventually, he will
be, we cannot hide forever.
- [Delta] It is likely, at this point,
he will begin the cycle
again, that must not happen.
- [Caboose] What cycle,
(gasps) a motorcycle?
A secret motorcycle?
It's okay, you can tell me.
- [Delta] He's begun to
search his memories now.
He's clearly looking for something.
- [Caboose] Well, you always
did say "Memory is the key".
- [Delta] Memory is the key, Caboose,
but not everything that is
locked is meant to be unlocked.
He is coming back now, I must
leave before he discovers me.
- [Caboose] But if he meets you in there,
then you can be friends,
but not best friends,
but, you know, 'cause that job's taken,
but, you know maybe acquaintances?
- [Delta] If only I were the
memory that he's looking for.
- [Church] What, uh, oh.
Hey, I must've,
must've passed out, sorry about that.
- [Caboose] Church, you're back!
- [Church] Yeah, I am.
Hey, Caboose, come over here, would you,
I need to talk to you about something.
- [Caboose] Okay, where are we going?
- [Simmons] Hey, guys, do you
ever notice Blue team has,
like, a lot more stuff going on than us?
- [Sarge] Yeah, boring stuff.
- [Grif] Nerdy stuff.
- [Simmons] Yeah, but I
mean all we ever talk about
is food and guns.
- That reminds me, I'm hungry.
- [Sarge] Stop complaining,
or I'll shoot you in the head.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Good times.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Stay away, don't touch me!
- [Church] Hey, uh, Caboose,
you were the one who moved me
from the Epsilon unit
to this new body, right?
- [Caboose] Oh, yeah, I'm
really good at ergonomics.
- [Church] Uh, do you mean electronics?
- [Caboose] Yeah, probably.
- [Church] Okay, good, then
I need you to come with me.
I just remembered something,
something that could help me.
- [Caboose] Sure.
- [Church] You don't
wanna know the details?
- Nope.
- It could be dangerous.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I have armor, it's blue.
- [Church] All right, well, let's go then.
I actually thought it would
take longer to convince you.
- [Church] Come on, I
wanna get to the facility
before nightfall.
- [Caboose] Ah, you wanna
bring the Epsilon unit?
- [Church] Is it necessary
to do your thing?
- [Caboose] Don't think so.
- [Church] Then who cares, leave it.
Where we're going, we won't need it.
- [Doc] Um, are you
sure that's a good idea?
Oh no.
- All right, give it a crank!
(crank whooshing)
- [Washington] More power,
come mon, give it some gas!
(crank whooshing)
Almost there, just a little more.
- [Doc] I don't think it's working.
Ow!
- [Washington] Well, that's just great.
Come on, can't you get him out of there?
He's just stuck in a few rocks.
(Meta snarling)
Why can't anything ever be easy?
Doc, I want you to tell
me everything you know
about the Reds and Blues.
- [Doc] You know more
than me, I just got here.
- [Washington] Hit him.
- [Doc] Ow!
- [Washington] You
worked with them before.
Do they have any hideouts,
anywhere they go when they're in trouble?
- [Doc] I don't know.
- [Washington] Hit him again.
- [Doc] Ow!
- [Washington] Did Simmons
say where Sarge and Grif were?
You can either answer me, or
I can have the Meta beat it
out of you, or I can beat it out of you.
I think I've earned it
- [Doc] Man, you guys are really awful
at the good-cop-bad-cop thing.
You're like bad cop, even-worse cop.
- [Washington] Tell you what, Meta,
let's just shoot him in the chest.
See if we can pull the audio
logs out of his helmet.
- [Doc] Uh, he said something
about a distress call!
- [Washington] Hit him again.
- [Doc] And sand, he, he mentioned sand.
- [Washington] Sand.
- [Church] All right, well, let's go then.
I actually thought it would
take longer to convince you.
Come on, I wanna get to the
facility before nightfall.
- [Sarge] Facility, hey?
I knew the Blues were up to somethin'.
Come on, men, let's get after those Blues!
Sounds like this is the big opportunity
we've been waiting for!
- [Grif] You mean our
opportunity to find a place
to hole up until this all blows over?
- [Simmons] Some place
that isn't a desert?
- [Sarge] No, a place to
finally restore the Blues
to Command's database.
Get your typin' fingers ready, Simmons.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Okay,
I'll bring my carpal tunnel braces.
- [Sarge] If we're goin' to follow them,
we'll need a vehicle.
- [Grif] I'm sure we can grab another one
from the camp down there.
- [Simmons] Why do we need a
vehicle, the Blues are walking.
I'm sure we can keep up
with them on foot on foot.
- [Grif] On foot?!
- [Sarge] Uh, Simmons?
We're the Reds, we don't walk anywhere.
We travel as the Good Lord intended!
In the largest possible vehicle,
with the maximum horsepower
allowed by local law enforcement!
And if there's no cars available,
we find the biggest, nastiest,
meanest land animal we possibly can,
beat the crap out of it,
and saddle that puppy up.
- [Grif] "On foot," shame on you, Simmons,
shame on you.
- [Simmons] Sorry.
- [Sarge] Let's just forget
you ever mentioned it.
- [Grif] I think this should
go in his permanent record.
- [Simmons] Oh, just go get
the fuckin' jeep, jackass.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Hey, where
are you guys going, wait!
Ah, dammit!
(aliens grunting)
Hey, guys, listen.
I know you want your super
cool piece of technology back.
Those guys just took off
probably to look for it.
If you let me go, I can
track it down for you,
and bring it back.
No? Okay then forget it.
Oh my god, look, a next-gen smartphone!
Someone just leave that laying around?
(car engine growling) *
Fooled by the old
prototype trick, classic.
(aliens grunting)
Well, see ya, bitches, I'm out of here.
What the, out of gas?
Hey, uh, you guys have any gas?
(guns cocking)
You know what, fuck
it, I'm just gonna run.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] All right, I think this is it.
- [Caboose] This, this
doesn't look like anything.
- [Church] Yeah, it's not supposed to.
That's kind of the idea.
Come on, this way.
- Man,
you really need to clean this place up.
- Caboose!
- Coming!
- [Church] Come on, oh yeah
here we go, it's this way.
- [Caboose] My this way or your this way?
- [Church] There is no,
it's the same this way.
Okay, yeah, this is it, I think.
- [Caboose] It's a wall.
We came all this way for a wall?
- [Church] Caboose!
- [Caboose] Sorry.
It's a really great wall.
- [FILSS] Hello, this
is a private facility.
Visitors are not welcome.
Please leave immediately,
or we will be forced
to take lethal measures
to ensure the safety of our property.
- [Caboose] Not as great.
- [FILSS] You have 30
seconds to comply or die.
Have a nice day.
- [Caboose] Sheila, is that you?
- [FILSS] No, I am the
Freelancer Integrated Logistics
and Security System.
You may call me FILSS.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
You now have 15 seconds to live.
- [Church] Whoa, dying
sounds like a bad idea.
Maybe we should leave.
- [FILSS] Oh my, the
Director, I am so sorry.
I did not recognize you, Sir.
It has been such a long
time since you have visited.
You look very different.
- [Church] Talkin' to me?
- [FILSS] Yes, you are the
Director of Project Freelancer,
are you not?
- [Church] Oh, uh, yeah.
Of course that's totally me.
I just haven't been around
because I've been doing,
you know, director stuff.
Can't really get into it, secret project.
- [FILSS] How may I assist you today?
- [Church] Can we, uh, Can we come in?
- [FILSS] Certainly.
(wall scraping)
Please watch your step.
- [Caboose] Kind of spooky in there.
- [Church] Yeah, why don't you go first.
- Me?
- Well, I mean,
you're the one with
the gun and everything.
- [Caboose] Yeah, but the
tree seemed to like you best.
Um, hey, Sheila, could you-
- Are you speaking to me?
- [Church] We're just kind
of used to calling you
by that name, um,
maybe you should just answer
him when he calls you that.
Probably easier for you to
change than it is for him.
He's kind of dumb.
- [FILSS] All right, I will
respond to that name as well.
You are the Director after all.
- [Church] Right, I am.
- [FILSS] Director, since
you have a new visitor
with you today.
Would you like me to run
the tutorial program?
- [Caboose] Yes, always run that.
No, seriously, you need to run that.
No, it's, really you need
to, you need to turn that-
- [Church] Yeah okay shut up, dude.
Yes, please run the tutorial program.
- [Caboose] Oh, thank god.
- [FILSS] Hello, and welcome
to the freelancer
off-site storage facility.
Project Freelancer is a
state-of-the-art scientific endeavor
with one goal in mind,
to ensure the security of humanity
in a harsh and violent galaxy.
This is bunker has been
constructed to guarantee
the continued operations of our program
in the event of a primary facility loss.
This storage area archives
all the components
of our freelancer simulation bases.
These outposts test our agents
in realistic training scenarios.
- [Caboose] Yeah, we're on the Blue Team!
- [FILSS] I am sorry, I do
not recognize that term.
Our simulation outposts are categorized
into red and entry missing.
Hmm, it seems as though I
have a corrupted database.
I will correct that when I have more time.
- [Caboose] (stammers) There's all stuff,
and there's the teleporter.
Man, Tucker hates those.
- [Church] Don't interrupt.
- [FILSS] When the
equipment is not being used.
it is stored here
- Come on, this way.
- [FILSS] until it can be re-purposed for.
Oh, I guess we are moving on.
(tense ominous music)
(Epsilon whirring)
- [Caboose] Oh, what's this?
- [FILSS] I am sorry,
this area is restricted.
Only the Director himself
may access this entry.
I am sure you understand.
The nature of our
experiments is such that-
- Open it.
- Excuse me, Director?
- [Church] I want you to open it.
- [FILSS] Are you certain, Director?
You never bring visitors in to this-
- [Church] I said open it.
- [FILSS] All right, unlocking.
Would you like me to archive
your personal project?
- [Church] No.
Let's see everything.
- [FILSS] If you say so, Director.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Simmons,
what's the status report?
- [Simmons] Gumball McJones
and Caboose just went into
that door.
- [Grif] What door, all I see is a wall.
- [Simmons] It's a secret door.
- [Sarge] Simmons, what did I tell you
about using Dungeons & Dragons references
in combat situations?
- [Simmons] (sighs) Sorry,
sir. It's a concealed door.
- That's better.
- How did they open it?
- [Simmons] They talked to that computer.
They got it to open the
door by posing as members
of Project Freelancer.
If we pose as agents, it'll
probably let us in too.
- [Grif] Aren't agents, like,
tough and good at things?
- [Simmons] We all just pick a state name,
and call ourselves by that.
You know, like, Agent Washington.
Grif, name a state.
- What is this, a pop quiz?
Uh, let's see, Manhattan.
No?
Uh, Europe.
- Wow, really?
- Pacific Ocean?
- [Simmons] Stop guessing,
just be Agent Alaska.
How 'bout you, Sarge?
- [Sarge] I'll be Secret
Agent Double Ohio.
License to be tall in the
middle and round on both ends.
- [Simmons] And I'll be Agent Denial.
(laughs) Get it, because a state
of denial, like the saying?
You know, it's like uh.
I was, you know, the
whole state-state thing.
You know it's a joke.
- [Grif] No, dude, jokes are funny.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Let's just go
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] The
recovery beacon leads here.
It's weak, but I can still pick it up.
(footsteps thudding)
Here.
Meta, dig.
(Meta growling)
Hey,
I'm not gonna argue with you about this.
You want a chance at that
AI, I track, you dig.
Otherwise, you can wander
the desert by yourself,
and see if you find him on your own.
(Meta hissing)
Because I found the signal.
You dig, we all have
to pull our own weight.
(Meta snarling)
Right, and other people's weight too.
Just dig.
(footsteps thudding)
- [Doc] Man, some people
just can't take orders.
Am I right?
- Shut up, we're not friends.
- [Doc] Can I at least
get a drink of water?
- [Washington] Shut up.
I already asked you if you
were thirsty before we left.
- [Doc] Yeah, we're in the desert.
Thirsty should be assumed.
- [Washington] You can drink later.
- [Doc] Yeah, this might
be a bad time to tell you
that I'm sinking then.
- [Washington] I hate you.
- [Doc] I know.
(Meta snarling)
- [Doc] Hey, what are you
guys doing over there?
- [Washington] What the.
Is that CT?
That's impossible, what's
she doing out here?
- [Doc] What are you lookin' at?
- [Washington] Don't bother,
she didn't get an AI remember?
- [Doc] Guy in front.
- [Washington] Scavenge her for equipment.
See what you can find.
(aliens grunting)
- [Doc] Well, this is just fuckin' great.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Caboose] Oh my god,
look at all the yous!
You're everywhere, why this
is like a best friend store.
Hey, this is the greatest store ever!
You can have your body back!
Which one do you want?
I wanna buy one.
- [Church] I'm not looking for
that, I'm looking for this.
- Oh.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Washington] All right, Meta, get ready.
Fire!
(explosion booming)
Huh, that actually seemed to work.
- [Doc] Ow.
- [Washington] Doc, how do you feel?
- [Doc] Okay, I guess,
all things considered.
Hey, does anybody know where
we could find a good medic?
- [Washington] I don't
get paid enough for this.
- [Doc] Jeez, tough room.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] I told you that
stupid plan wouldn't work.
- [Simmons] That's
because you said your name
was Agent Pluto!
- [Sarge] (laughs) Luckily we
had the old contingency plan
to fall back on.
- [Grif] Sarge, a shotgun to the face
is not a contingency plan.
I keep telling you that.
- [FILSS] This is a private facility.
Hello, this is a private facility.
- [Sarge] Don't be so
quick to judge, Grif.
Shotgun in the face can be applied
in a variety of tough situations.
For instance, watch how quickly
it cures insubordination.
- Oh no!
(glass shattering)
- [Simmons] What was that?
- [Sarge] It came from down here, come on.
(uptempo dramatic music)
(aliens grunting)
- [Washington] I don't like this.
- [Doc] Look, I talked to them.
They're gonna draw us a map
and show us where Epsilon went.
After that you can let me go.
- [Washington] You sure
that's what he's doing?
- [Doc] Well, my Alien to
English is a little rusty.
I would suggest we get one
of those translator balls,
but we got enough jerks
around here already.
- [Washington] I agree, we
should just kill most of them.
The last one left alive will talk.
- [Doc] Wash, you just can't
kill everybody you meet.
- [Washington] Why not?
- [Doc] Uh.
Well now you're puttin' me on the spot.
I don't really have an answer for that.
Just seems like a bad idea, though.
Karma?
(alien grunting)
Hey, he's done drawing the map.
(aliens grunting)
- [Doc] What does it say?
What does it say?
- [Washington] It says peace
talks have broken down.
Now we do it our way.
(Meta growling)
(explosion booming)
- [Doc] whoa!
- [Church] Just hold still, no, no, no!
- [FILSS] I sense things
are not going well.
- [Caboose] Yes, please
just keep the door shut,
thank you, that's fine.
- [FILSS] I am sorry, but if
the Director requests the door
to be opened I am required to comply.
- [Caboose] Just keep the door shut.
- [Grif] Caboose, is that you?
- [Church] Stop, don't
move, don't move, don't.
(glass shattering)
Ugh.
- [Caboose] Oh, oh, hello, everyone.
- Stop!
- Yes,
everyone who wasn't here
before is now here now.
(glass shattering)
Hello.
- [Sarge] What are you up to, Blue?
- [Caboose] Me, oh, nothing.
I'm not hiding anything behind this door.
- [Church] Uh, I wouldn't pick
that up it looks expensive!
- [Simmons] Uh, I think he's lying.
- [Grif] What was your first clue?
- [Sarge] Let us see what's in there.
- [Caboose] In here,
oh, nothing is in here.
But this probably isn't
even a door either.
It's probably.
(object banging)
- [Sarge] What the heck was that?
- [Caboose] Oh, that was me.
I said this isn't a
door, I said it's a gong.
- [Grif] A gong, what the hell is a.
(object thudding)
- Oh. Gong.
I'm just going to walk over this way now.
Excuse me, yes, thank you
(object thudding)
Pardon me coming through.
Yes, excuse me, yes, pardon me
Excuse me, yes, thank you,
pardon me, coming through
Yes, excuse me, yes, pardon me.
(object thudding)
- [Grif] Um, Sarge, what's the plan here?
- [Sarge] Men, we have a
perfect ambush scenario.
- [Simmons] I agree.
Unless, wait, are we the
ambushers, or the ambushees?
Hey, can you ambush something
that's trying to beat its way
through metal plating to get to you?
- [Sarge] Okay, first, we just
wait for the door to open,
(glass shattering)
(door thudding)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] Door's open.
- [Sarge] What the, uh oh.
- [Tex] Okay.
So, who's first?
- [FILSS] Alarm, security
breached, level alpha.
All personnel report for
duty, this is not a drill.
- Run!
- Oh crap where is she?
- [Simmons] I don't wanna die!
- [Caboose] Sheila, we have to help them.
- [FILSS] Help who?
- [Caboose] The Reds!
Tex is attacking them,
we have to stop her.
- [FILSS] Stop Agent Texas,
oh no, absolutely not.
We should never interfere
with an ongoing battlefield
simulation test.
Our job is to observe and document.
- [Caboose] But she'll kill them!
- [FILSS] Oh that would be wonderful!
What a successful test!
- [Sarge] We need to keep moving, men!
Come on, double time!
Hell, I'd settle for single time.
- [Simmons] Maybe we should just fight.
I'm afraid she's gonna start
picking us off one by one!
Ow!
(gunshot booming)
(both grunting)
(metal clanking)
(barrels thudding)
Oh man, forget this, I need
to get a bigger weapon.
(footsteps thudding)
(tense dramatic music)
Caboose, help us!
- [Caboose] How, that
computer won't let me!
She's mean!
This place is filled with mean ladies!
- [Simmons] Push some
buttons, I don't know!
- [Caboose] Buttons,
oh man, I love buttons!
Beep, bop, boop, boop, bop, boop.
- [Simmons] Wow, that actually
worked perfectly, thanks.
- [Caboose] Great, how
the heck did I do that?
- [Grif] Ow!
- [Tucker] Hey Simmons, what
the hell is going on in there?
- [Simmons] Gotta help us!
Do you know how to use that thing?
- [Tucker] My sword, fuck
yeah I know how to use it.
What's to understand
about swish, swish, stab?
It's a fuckin' sword dude,
it's not a fighter jet.
- [Simmons] Just come help me.
(gunshots booming)
(fists thudding)
(Grif grunting)
- [Grif] Wait, wait, wait!
(Grif sobbing)
- [Tucker] Hey sweet cheeks!
Remember me?
Step away from the idiot!
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Simmons] Oh god, please
don't let her see me!
(container thudding)
- Huh?
- [Caboose] Yes, I saved Tucker!
Oh wait, I saved Tucker.
- [Tucker] Caboose, what are you doing?!
- [Tucker] You're messing
up my plan with Simmons!
I was supposed to distract her for him.
- [Simmons] You ratted
me out you son of bitch!
(explosion booming)
Oh shit!
(portal whooshing)
Oh shit!
- [Tucker] That was awesome, ow!
- [Caboose] Um, can we use turrets on her?
Or, some explodey fiery things?
- [FILSS] That would be outside the bounds
of my standard safety protocols.
I cannot do that.
- [Grif] What do we do, Sarge?
- [Sarge] I don't know, I've
never hit a girl in my life!
- [Simmons] Yeah, I noticed, try harder!
(footsteps thudding)
(uptempo dramatic music)
(footsteps thudding)
- [Simmons] What the fuck.
- [Grif] Ow.
- [Simmons] Oh no, Grif!
- [Sarge] Private Grif, you
should be ashamed of yourself,
we've run out of ammo again!
That's your responsibility!
- [Grif] Huh, I guess this
is the first time my laziness
has ever saved my life!
Protect me, cone!
- Watch it!
- You watch it!
- [Sarge] You idiots, let
me show you how it's done.
(fist thudding)
(Sarge grunting)
- [Grif] Nice demonstration, Sarge.
- [Sarge] Ah shut up.
- [Simmons] Hey guys, look up there!
- [Tucker] Ugh, what?
Hey Caboose, remember when
I said not to help me?
Forget that, I need you
to help me right now!
- [Caboose] What holds up that crate?
- [FILSS] Mechanical
controls are on the left side
of the console.
(container whooshing)
(container thudding)
- [Tucker] I can't believe that worked!
Oh fuck, that didn't work.
- [FILSS] I knew that would not work.
Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
(container whooshing)
- I gotta get outta here!
- We'll be crushed!
- [Tucker] Don't worry guys, I got this.
Swish!
- Uh-oh.
- [Simmons] Ow!
- [Grif] We were crushed.
- [Tucker] Oh fuckberries, Tex, can you.
All right, you know what?
That's it, come here.
- [Simmons] Oh thank God,
I thought I was a goner.
Sarge, where are you?
- (mumbles) Here
What happened?
I feel defeated, yet
inexplicably rejuvenated!
- [Tucker] Swish, fuck!
Swoosh, ah!
(Tex grunting)
Stab, goddammit, stop!
(bones crunching)
Oh come on.
Ah, that's bullshit, oh whoa!
- [Grif] whoa, did you see that?
- [Simmons] How would I have missed that?
( Tucker grunting)
- [Tucker] What's the matter, Tex?
You having trouble keeping it up?
Don't worry, it happens to everybody.
Well not me but.
- [Sarge] That rocket launcher
is one of the older models,
right?
- Yeah.
- [Sarge] That means
it's got heat-seeking!
Now lock-on and let her rip.
- [Simmons] Oh, right,
I forgot about that.
- [Tucker] Holy crap, you
cannot do this, bitch!
(Tucker thudding)
(Tucker coughing)
Dammit, I hate this black
stuff! What the hell is it?
- [Grif] There she is!
- Huh?
- Get her!
- Wait, guys!
- Ow, fuck!
I'm not Tex, I'm a Blue, but
not the Blue you're fighting!
Leave me the fuck alone!
- Kicking's hard!
- [Tucker] Why are you
hitting me, I'm not Tex!
- [Simmons] Sarge, hold on, hold on!
I think that's Tucker, not Tex.
- [Tucker] See I told
you, ow, hey, you fucker!
Why'd you do that?
- Force of habit.
- [Tucker] Man you guys are ah!
- Hey, watch it!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Grif] Don't fall in the.
Hold still, hold still, I can see her
- [Grif] She's right
over there by the other-
Uh-oh.
- Grif, I see her.
(fist thudding)
- [Grif] What is your
problem with my balls?
- [Tucker] Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh crap.
(portal whooshing)
Oh!
(Tucker thudding)
Oh wow, right to the mount, huh?
Oh, not even gonna buy me dinner?
Oh, I like your style!
- [Sarge] Simmons, what
are you waiting for?
- [Simmons] They look the
same, which one do I shoot?
- [Tucker] Ow, shoot the
one who's winning, dumbass!
- Ow.
- Grif, watch it!
(all thudding)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Wow, knocked
the black right off of ya.
- That's racist.
- You're all clear Simmons.
Now shoot her!
- Fire in the hole!
(portal whooshing)
(missile whooshing)
- [Tucker] Are you fucking kidding me?
Run!
- Oh god.
(all thudding)
Huh, oh god, not like this.
oh thank god, I thought I was-
Fuck!
(explosion booming)
- [Simmons] Grif!
(explosions booming)
(all screaming)
(all grunting)
(block scratching)
- [Grif] (screams) Ow, why
won't you just kill me?
- [Church] Hey Tex.
(metal clanking)
How about you pick on
somebody your own size.
Stop it, Tex, you are embarrassing me.
Ow, stop!
Ah, hey, are you guys gonna.
Ow, are you gonna help me or not?
Stop it!
- Nah buddy,
I think you got everything under control.
We'll just hang back here.
- [Grif] Yeah, you've got
some catching up to do.
- [Sarge] Hey, whats she beating him with?
- [Simmons] I think that was his old body.
- [Sarge] You mean he aint
a floating cue ball anymore?
That's too bad, had a few more
nicknames in my side pocket.
We'll certainly miss you lord hack 'n sack
of the the round-a-lots.
- [Grif] Beating him with his own body?
That doesn't seem physically possible.
- [Caboose] Uh, we have to do something!
- [FILSS] I am sorry, as I said,
I cannot operate outside the bounds
of my standard safety protocols.
- [Caboose] What if I said pretty please?
- [FILSS] Private
Caboose, is there a reason
why you don't want to use one
of the standard safety protocols?
In this scenario, I would
strongly recommend locking down
the armor of any rogue units.
- [Caboose] Wait, you can do that?
- [FILSS] Of course, armor lock
is a standard safety feature
since the Freelancer break-in.
- [Caboose] Well why
didn't you tell us that?
- [FILSS] Why would I need
to tell the Director that?
He wrote the protocol himself.
- [Caboose] Oh. Right,
yes, of course he did.
Sheila, could you do the armor
lunchable thing that you said?
- Certainly!
(alarm dinging)
Now initiating standard safety protocol.
Armor lockdown in progress.
All units standby for lockdown.
- [Church] (stammers) What's happening?
Caboose, what did you do to her?
- [Caboose] Yes, yes, I did it!
I am the biggest hero ever!
I beat up the girl!
- [Sarge] Ha, ha, yes, see,
that's how you do it, Grif!
Face your enemy man-to-man,
or in your case, woefully
inadequate-man-to-woman!
And then when she's distracted,
use superior technology to take her out!
Reminds me of prom night.
- [Grif] We didn't do
anything, she shut down!
- [Caboose] I am the best!
- [Simmons] Uh, hey guys?
What do you think that
voice meant by all units?
- [Sarge] I can't move!
- [Caboose] I did it, not my fault!
It's not my fault, I did not do this!
The computer made suggestions!
The default option was yes!
- [Grif] Well this is just great.
- [Church] What's happening,
Caboose, make it stop,
make it, ow!
- [Caboose] Sheila, is my
armor gonna rock out too?
- [FILSS] No, Caboose.
Your helmet does not have that
particular protocol installed
in it.
I had assumed that was the
reason why you were wearing that-
- [Caboose] Yes, that
is totally the reason.
- [Washington] Well,
So much for the
leave-one-of-them-alive strategy.
Doc, where are you?
- [Doc] Here!
- [Washington] Still alive?
I thought maybe you'd
been killed in the battle.
- [Doc] No, don't worry, I'm still alive!
- [Washington] I didn't say I was worried.
Get down here, see if any of these things
are still breathing.
- [Doc] Me?
- [Washington] You're
a medic, get medical.
- [Doc] I'm a human medic.
I don't even understand alien physiology!
- [Washington] I want you
to see if they're alive,
I don't want you to check
their cholesterol levels!
Just get down here.
- [Doc] Jeez, fine, what's with the anger?
(Meta snarling)
- [Washington] Meta, you search the camp.
See if you can find
anything useful for us,
any clues where Epsilon went.
(Meta growling)
Don't start with me.
I've already reached my tolerance level
for management issues.
- [Doc] He's getting fussy.
- [Washington] Tell me about it.
- [Doc] Maybe we should take a break.
- [Washington] Excuse me, a break?
- [Doc] Yeah, like a three day leave!
Everyone go off, recharge
their mental batteries,
come back refreshed, and like,
ready to tackle our challenges.
- [Washington] You want a vacation?
- [Doc] I call it a Soul Sabbatical.
- [Washington] What are we, mailmen?
This is a military mission,
we don't get a vacation.
We don't take sick days,
we don't get paid overtime.
- [Doc] What, Freelancers
don't get overtime?
- [Washington] That's
right, we have a job to do,
and we're expected to stick, wait.
Why, do you?
- [Doc] Get overtime, yeah.
Time and a half over 40 hours,
time and a half and a half after 60.
- [Washington] Really?
- [Doc] You guys don't get that?
That's crazy, you work so hard.
- [Washington] Tell me about it.
- [Doc] You guys should strike.
- [Washington] We're not
unionizing, stop instigating.
- [Doc] Tell me they at
least match your 401K.
- [Washington] Shut up.
(Meta growling)
- What was that?
- Quiet.
What did you find, Meta?
- [Washington] Hey, watch it.
Meta, come out here now.
Doc, get in there and see what he found.
- [Doc] Which Doc, is
there another Doc here?
I know you're not talking to me.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] What happened? Where am I?
- [FILSS] Safety protocols were initiated.
Please remain calm.
- [Church] Sheila, is that you?
- [FILSS] Yes!
- [Church] What is this place?
- [FILSS] Your operator has
been injured or incapacitated,
and you are now in recovery mode.
You will remain in this
state until such time
as you can be extracted
by a recovery agent
or your operator regains consciousness.
- [Church] Wait, you didn't
send a recovery beacon,
did you, 'cause that would be really-
- [FILSS] Recovery beacons only arm
once a unit leaves the facility.
This unit has yet to leave the facility.
Therefore, we must first and-
- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Is that Tex?
- Affirmative.
Technically she is not
present in this environment,
but if you would like to speak to her
I can relay communication
through external channels.
- [Church] Yes, please.
- [FILSS] I am sorry, but she
has refused the connection.
- [FILSS] She should
not be able to do that.
- [Church] Yeah, that's not surprising.
Can you force it through?
- [FILSS] I can try, but I
would not recommend that action.
- [Church] Because it might damage her?
- [FILSS] No, I have just
learned that when a woman
wants to be alone, it is
best to leave her alone.
- [Church] Yeah, good call.
Hey, get me out of this,
but leave her in here
until I figure out what to do with her
- [FILSS] Suit yourself.
- [Church] Uh, she didn't
hear that, did she?
- [FILSS] Unclear.
- [Church] I thought you
weren't relaying my messages?
- [FILSS] Recovery mode, Disabled.
- [Church] You women
always stick together.
Man, I hope she didn't hear that.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] Are you going in or not?
- [Doc] Oh, do I have a choice, then not.
I'm gonna go with that one.
- [Washington] Meta, get out here.
(Meta growling)
- [Doc] Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna stick with not.
That seems like the best
one of those two choices
that you gave me.
- Get in there.
- [Doc] Tell you what,
put me back in the wall.
I like the wall, it was
cozy and it protected me.
I miss my wall!
- [Washington] You are utterly useless.
I know we brought you along for a reason,
but for the life of me I
can't remember what it is.
- [Doc] The important thing
is we're becoming friends!
They say the bonds of men in combat
are as strong as brotherhood.
- [Washington] Meta, get out here please.
(Meta growling)
- [Doc] Boy, he sounds tense.
Maybe you should give him a back rub.
That wouldn't be weird, right?
One Freelancer giving another a back rub?
- [Washington] Aren't you
trained in stress management
or something, calm him down!
- [Doc] That only works if
the person wants to be calm.
I don't think he qualifies.
- [Washington] Listen,
Meta, whatever you found,
we can deal with it, I promise.
Just come out here and show me what it is.
Whoa!
- Yikes!
Funky-Butt-Loving!
- [Washington] Oh.
You found
that.
- [Tucker] (laughs) Oh god that sucked!
What was all that glowy shit?
- [Church] Sheila put us
in lockdown to save us.
- [Tucker] She knocked us out to help us?
That makes sense.
- [Church] Hey, at least we're not getting
our asses kicked, okay,
that's an improvement.
- [Tucker] Yeah, that's a good point.
Can't argue with results.
(all buzzing)
- [Church] Shelia, can
they uh, can they hear me?
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
- She said yes!
- We heard her, dipshit!
- [Caboose] I know, I just
want to use the microphone!
It makes me sound super loud!
I'm not sure if you can tell.
- [Tucker] Hey where'd
you get the new body?
- [Church] Long story,
dude, I'll tell you later.
- [Tucker] Eh, I know I asked,
but I don't really give a shit, Church.
- [Caboose] Attention Freelancer shoppers.
We have a special on self
esteem goods in aisle seven!
- Sheila. please mute him.
- Affirmative.
- [Caboose] This is
Michael J. Caboose sign-
Ah man!
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Simmons] Sarge, where are we?
- [Sarge] Men, I have
bad news for all of us!
We're dead.
Which in the case of
Grif is good news for me!
But still, bad news overall.
- [Simmons] Dead, I can't be dead!
I still have so much to do!
- [Grif] Uh, like what?
- [Simmons] Like everything
that doesn't involve a computer!
Man, it's been a real
one-track life for me.
- [Grif] So this is the afterlife, huh?
Not bad.
It's kind of grainy.
Overall I can't complain.
- [Sarge] This is just a
stage before we move on,
like purgatory!
- [Simmons] Oh, we're like
the last episode of "Lost!"
- [Sarge] Hey, I haven't seen that yet!
No spoilers!
- [Simmons] That show
was on 100s of years ago!
(Sarge singing)
- Don't say anything else.
- Gimme a break!
- [Grif] Well, I'm going to sleep
See you losers in 14 hours.
- [Sarge] Grif, no napping!
- [Grif] Sorry Sarge, but
you always said I could sleep
when I was dead, hey
guess what, I am dead.
So this purgatory is about
to become purga-snorey, yawn!
- [Sarge] Grif!
- [Church] Hey Reds, can you hear me?
- [Sarge] Who in Sam Heaven is that?
- [Simmons] Is that God?
- [Grif] Hey Almighty, can it!
Some of us are trying to
get a little shut-eye!
- [Sarge] No blasphemy!
- [Simmons] What do you want God?
Take Grif, he's been terrible!
I mean great!
- [Tucker] It's not God dude, it's Church.
He just thinks he's God.
This is just what you need.
More people worshiping you.
- [Church] Yeah, hey listen,
we wanna let you out,
but we don't want you to
attack us, or attack Tex, okay?
- [Simmons] Attack Tex, she attacked us!
- [Grif] Fuck you guys.
- [Sarge] I would never hurt a girl!
- [Church] Just agree,
and we'll let you out.
- [Simmons] Ugh, fine.
- [Grif] Whatever.
(Sarge grunting)
- [Church] I'm gonna assume
that last one was a yes.
All right, let 'em out Shelia!
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
Ending Recovery Mode. Red units.
- [Sarge] Ugh, my neck was killing me!
(Meta buzzing)
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] Don't
get excited, it's empty
- What is it?
- This is the Epsilon unit
- [Doc] This is what
you've been looking for?
- Yes.
- Not what I was expecting.
I mean I like the color,
but other than that, meh.
Clearly they transferred Epsilon
into that floating thing we saw.
- [Doc] You saw a floating thing?
- [Washington] Yes, like a metal eye.
It shot a laser at us.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey Wash, the sun is really hot,
maybe we should find you some shade?
- [Washington] I'm not
hallucinating, Meta saw it too.
(Meta growling)
Oh yes you did, don't even try that.
- [Doc] Wash, do you see
the floating eyeball now?
Is it here with us-
- Don't psychoanalyze me
- [Doc] I'd like to talk to
the laser eye for a minute,
Wash.
- Shut up.
Meta, lets convert this
to a recovery unit,
but be careful, this thing
looks like it's in bad shape.
(Meta growling)
(ratchet clanking)
- What's he doing?
- This is a storage unit,
but we're trained to modify them,
we can change a storage
unit into a capture unit.
That way the next time we see
Epsilon, he won't get away
- [Doc] Are you talking
about the regular Epsilon?
Or the Epsilon who's just a floating head,
and visits you when you're alone?
- [Washington] I'm not crazy.
And it was just the eye
that was floating around,
not a whole head.
- Yes, Wash,
because the whole head
is what makes it crazy.
- I'm waking her up.
- No way buddy.
You must've missed the
smashfest we just went through.
I ain't repeating that.
- Hey, we made a deal.
I unlock you, you have
to help me with her.
- [Grif] Hey, now hold on a second.
This affects the entire crew,
I say we put it to a vote.
All those in favor of waking
her up and letting her kill us,
say aye.
- Aye
- Caboose.
- Present.
- [Church] We're not
doing that, just say aye.
- [Caboose] You.
Oops, I mean me.
- [Church] No, aye.
- Church.
- Just say aye.
- [Caboose] Oh, I get it right, sorry
My left eye, or my right eye?
- [Church] He votes yes
- [Caboose] I would also like
it noted that I was present.
- [Sarge] Okay, and everyone in favor
of not doing that thing,
and leaving her asleep,
and not getting killed by the person
we're not going to wake up,
because nobody is that stupid,
say nay.
- What was, like,
a quadruple negative
- [Sarge] Just vote.
- [Grif] Nay, I didn't even
understand the question,
so I'm just gonna say blueberry.
Fuck it, veto, she comes out.
So Sheila, is there any way
to turn her, only, you know,
part way back on?
- [FLISS} No, I am sorry
I can either leave her in
lock, or take her out of lock,
there is no in-between.
- [Tucker] So she's
either completely asleep,
or full on bitch, sounds like my ex-wife.
- You were married?
- Ha, ha gross, I hope not.
- [Church] Well, we have to do something
- [Grif] Why do people always say that,
we have to do something?
We don't have to do anything,
let's just let sleeping maniacs lie.
- [Church] Here, let me try this.
Tex?
Tex, hello, can you hear me?
- [Tex] Of course I can
hear you, what do you want?
- [Church] What do you
mean what do I want?
The guys just want to make sure
you're not gonna, you know,
beat the living shit out
of them if we wake you up.
- [Tex] Aw, what are they gonna do, cry?
- [Church] What's wrong with you?
Why'd you go nuts when we woke you up
- [Tex] Last time I was
in a place like this
I was trying to get
out as fast as I could.
- Yeah, I remember.
- They just got in my way.
It's not my fault they can't fight
- [Church] So is that I
won't beat the living shit
out of them anymore?
- We'll see.
- [Church] I guess that'll have to do.
- [Tex] But, I am gonna
deck that one with the sword
for making that stupid ex-wife crack.
- [Church] Nice to have you
back, Tex, always a pleasure.
- [Tex] Hey, I didn't ask to come back.
Apparently somebody decided
they couldn't live without me.
- [Church] I thought you would be happy,
you know, being alive is
typically better then being dead.
- [Tex] Yeah, everybody
always seems to know
what's best for Tex.
- So this is it?
You're just going to be
abrasive right out of the gate?
Not even a thank you?
- Oh I see,
we're gonna make this
about you for a change?
How refreshing.
- [Church] Alright, I'm gonna go now.
Nice talking to ya, yeah, see ya'
(portal whooshing)
- [Tucker] What did she say?
- [Church] Okay, and I think
we got it all worked out.
- She cool?
- As cool as she ever was.
- [Grif] That does not
inspire confidence in me.
- [Church] Wake her up, Sheila.
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
- [Simmons] Back up, back up
- [FILSS] Ending recovery mode, all units.
- [Church] Uh, how are you feeling?
- Ow!
- Better now.
- [Tucker] What the fuck?
- [Church] Oh, right.
I forgot to mention one thing
(unit buzzing)
- [Washington] Great, he's done.
- [Doc] Why is it sparking like that?
- [Washington] This
things been through a lot,
it's pretty badly damaged, but
now that it's a capture unit,
we just need to get it near
Epsilon, and we can pull him in.
- [Doc] What if it breaks?
- [Washington] Don't worry,
it will hold until we get him.
After that, it doesn't matter.
It can short out for all I care.
- [Doc] Then what's the point of all this?
- [Washington] I just
have to deliver Epsilon
to the Chairman, I don't have
to guarantee what condition
I deliver him in.
He's just evidence anyway.
Meta, grab him, Doc, get ready to move.
- [Doc] Move, move where?
We don't know where they are.
- [Washington] We know they're not here.
So gather your gear and
get ready to move out.
- [Doc] Well, can we track them?
- [Washington] Track them?
- [Doc] You know, pick up
a trail, like footprints.
- [Washington] Footprints in the desert?
- [Doc] Don't special
agents have the ability
to track their targets
through any kind of terrain,
follow broken tree branches?
- [Washington] Tree
branches in the desert?
- [Doc] Okay these are bad
examples, maybe heat signatures?
- [Washington] In the desert?
- [Doc] Like exhaust trails, I don't know.
- [Washington] Tell you what,
why don't you just stick to
not understanding medicine.
Don't feel the need to expand
your sphere of ignorance.
- [Doc] Fine, jeez, I'm
just trying to help.
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] Him, he's
always whining about something.
Hey Meta, is there anyway
we could track the Reds
by trying to pick up a
trail, like a heat signature,
or something?
(Meta growling)
Yes, I know we're in the desert.
- [Church] So you back to a 100% yet?
- [Tex] Yeah, and whatever
I didn't learn from Caboose,
I've been able to pick up
from the rest of the guys.
Didn't take long.
- [Church] Yeah, we really
don't seem to do much.
- [Tex] Maybe you should
get a hobby, like knitting.
- [Church] We'll look into it.
- [Tex] Hey, how did you
know how to bring me back?
- [Church] Honestly, I
didn't have much choice.
I couldn't get you out of my head,
so I kind of had to
get you out of my head.
- [Tex] Wow, how emo, maybe
you can blog about it.
- [Church] Hey, you asked.
- [Tex] When I was beating
the hell out of the Reds,
the alarm said it was level Alpha.
Do you know why?
- [Church] You know I
didn't think about that, no.
- [Tex] Then I want you to
have Sheila give me access
to the files here.
- [Church] Why?
- [Tex] Because I'm
gonna figure out exactly
what they did to me here.
I need to know who I am.
- [Church] I know who you
are, you're my girlfriend.
- [Tex] Well, that's probably
the most underwhelming
description of all time.
- [Church] Hey, lots of
ladies would be happy
to be my girlfriend.
- [Tex] What other women do you even know?
- [Church] Um, well there's, um.
(Church grunting)
Uh, Grif had a sister,
she seemed to like me.
- [Tex] I wouldn't be too proud of that.
She was pretty easy.
- [Tucker] How do you
know she was easy, Tex?
You know what, never mind, don't tell me.
It's better in my head.
- [Church] Where did you even come from.
- [Tucker] I'm always close-by.
- [Tex] Hey, can I kill him?
- [Church] You can hurt
him, kill him later.
- [Tex] Hm, that actually sounds more fun.
- [Tucker] Man, I thought
the old Church was whipped,
but you're really taking
it to a whole new level.
- [Tex] Why do you even put up with him?
- [Church] It's not so bad,
I mean I admit sometimes
it gets pretty hard,
and I really don't know
how to handle it.
- And now I'm back.
- [Church] Come on, let's get in there.
- [Sarge] Simmons, this is our chance.
Get into the computer, and
start entering the Blues
back in the database.
- [Simmons] Yes, Sir, come
on, Grif, I need your help.
- [Grif] My help, with a computer?
Simmons, you must have
me confused with someone
who can help you with the computer.
- [Sarge] Kinda lost your
train of thought on that one.
- [Grif] Yeah, a little bit.
- [Simmons] Following
the Blues is one thing.
If I'm entering all
these names and records,
I need someone to hold
up the papers for me.
- [Grif] Uh, sorry dude,
paper holder's not in my job description.
- [Simmons] No, but I'm gonna be working
in the personnel files,
so I can add it to your job description.
In fact, I can make your
job whatever I want.
How does Chief Executive
Butt Taster sound?
- You can't do that.
- I can't?
I thought you didn't
understand how computers work.
In fact while I'm in there
why don't I just make you a
woman, it's just a checkbox,
and we could always use a little
more diversity in our team.
I know Tucker will be happy.
- [Grif] (grunts) Make me a woman.
Yeah right, like changing a form
would actually turn me into a woman.
I mean that's just, how stupid
does he think (stammers),
I better go help him.
- [Sarge] Good call, numbnuts.
- [Church] Sheila, I want
you to let Tex have access
to all your database files.
That's a director-level
priority access command.
(console beeping)
- Done.
- [Church] All right, go ahead.
- [Tex] FILSS, I need any info you have
about Freelancer headquarters,
including the quickest route
to that facility from here.
- What?
- I am sorry,
but that is not advisable.
- Why?
- There has been no contact
with the Freelancer headquarter facility
in over 40 security cycles.
I am assuming the
installation was destroyed.
- [Church] The guys kind
of blew that place up.
- [Tex] They did what, why?
- Uh-oh.
- Sorry.
I have no information on that subject.
- [Tex] Goddammit.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Whoa there, Gen Lizzy.
- [Tex] Is it true you
blew up Freelancer command?
- [Grif] Would that be a
good thing or a bad thing?
- Just tell me.
- Only if you promise
no punching, or kicking,
or that kick-punching thing you do.
- [Sarge] Hey, you're gonna
have to show me that later.
- [Tex] If you don't tell
me, I'll hit you for sure.
- You make a strong argument.
- Ugh.
Did you blow up the base or not?
- Blew it up, no.
- Yeah.
- [Simmons] What no, no, no, we didn't.
- [Grif] Yeah, we did,
remember when we used
that whole imp thing?
- [Simmons] Yeah, that
didn't blow up the base.
It shorted out all the
electronic equipment there, and
all the data, and you know
anything in digital in any way.
- Ah wait, so the building is there,
but nothing exists in
it? No data, no records?
- [Simmons] No, nothing like that.
- [Tex] So then, the
orange idiot was right,
you did blow up the base.
- Thank you very much.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- [Grif] Lady, in this
unit, I take what I can get.
(Meta grunting)
- [Washington] That's great,
you picked up a trail, really?
- [Doc] Hi guys, what's up?
- [Washington] Oh, uh, Meta
here was able to pick up
a faint trail of the Reds
based on gas spectrometry,
and (grunts) resident heat signatures.
- [Doc] What I, thought you
said you couldn't do that.
- [Washington] I didn't
say we couldn't do that,
I said you are an idiot.
Those are two different discussions.
- [Doc] I want credit for the idea.
- [Washington] Doc,
just let us do our job.
You do your job.
Anything medical to report?
- [Doc] No, the dead
aliens are still dead.
Also still aliens, but
that's less significant.
- [Washington] Wonderful.
- [Doc] Yeah, one other thing,
you know that Stockholm Syndrome
where prisoners start to like and identify
with their captors after being
held hostage for long enough?
- [Washington] What about it?
- [Doc] No one has that yet.
- [Washington] The feeling is mutual.
- [Tex] And these are
accurate, all of 'em?
- [FILSS] As far as I can tell.
- [Church] How's it going in here?
- [Simmons] Well, I'm helping
her access all this data,
and she's not constantly
pounding me in the face,
so I would say that's good.
Well, it's a start at least.
- [Tex] Hey, come over
here, take a look at these.
Sheila's giving us a hard time,
but we're gettin' through.
She only seems to wanna listen to you.
- [Church] Sheila keeps
calling me Director,
maybe that has something to do with it?
- [Tex] The Director, there's
almost no information on him.
I asked Sheila, but-
- I'm sorry,
but access to the Director's
personnel file is restricted.
- [Tex] Yes, Sheila, we know.
You don't have to keep repeating it.
- [FILSS] I am just doing my job.
- [Tex] Can't you mute her?
- [FILSS] Don't even
think about it, buster.
- [Simmons] Uh, I really
don't like it when girls
pay direct attention to me.
- [Church] Well, what did
you find in the files?
- [Tex] Not much, standard clerical info.
Whole bunch of win/loss
statistics, psych profiles.
- [Church] Psych profile?
- [Tex] Yeah, they have one on everybody,
except the Director and-
- Let me guess, and you?
- [Tex] And us.
No Church either.
Everyone else is in there,
though, full profile.
- [Simmons] Washington used
to wet the bed (snickers).
I'm gonna go tell the other guys.
- [Church] So, no new info?
Wild goose chase again?
- [Tex] Maybe, maybe not.
Look at this picture, do you
have any idea what this is?
- [Church] What is that, ice?
Yoh, yeah, I know that place.
That's a secure location,
like, um, a safe house.
Wait, how do I know that?
- [Tex] You know it because
it's a Freelancer base,
and it's not far from here.
- [Church] If you already know what it is
why the hell are ya' askin' me?
- [Tex] Because, I'm not
interested in what I know.
I'm interested in what you know.
- [Church] What is that, fucking wisdom?
Listen, next time you wanna
ask me a goddamn question,
just ask it, don't beat around the bush.
- [Tex] I couldn't take the risk.
You might have just told
me what I wanted to hear.
You are completely fucking whipped.
- [Tucker] Told you so!
- [Tex] I'm gonna go see what
weapons they have stored here.
- Okay do you need any help?
- Director?
- Huh, what?
- Before you leave,
would you like to make a journal entry?
It has been quite awhile
since your last update.
- [Church] Journal?
- [FILSS] Yes, I know you are busy,
but you always ask me to remind you
when you are falling
behind on documentation.
Documentation is an important part
of any scientific endeavor.
- [Church] Right, hey, why don't
you play one of the entries
for me?
- Certainly.
- [Director] The Counselor's
insistence on referring
to Agent Texas as a byproduct
continues to frustrate me.
We have seen our share of
unharvestable fragments.
She is certainly not one of them.
No indeed, she's something else entirely.
It's true that she is not
one of the emotional cores
with which we've had enormous success.
- [Church] Sheila, I want you
to transfer all these files
to me.
- Understood,
transferring now.
- And do me a favor,
delete the rest.
- Deleting entries.
- [Sarge] Hmm, what are those Blues up to?
- [Grif] Probably the same
thing they're always up to?
Looking at us and going,
"Hmm, I wonder what those Reds are up to?"
- Hey, Grif.
- Hey, man, what's up?
- [Sarge] Grif, where's Simmons?
- [Grif] He's messing around
with some storage boxes.
Trying to inventory 'em,
see if we need anything.
Nerd stuff.
- That's resourceful.
Why aren't you helping him?
- [Grif] I am helping him.
- [Sarge] How are you helping
him standing right here?
- [Grif] Oh, I'm on break, 15 minutes.
- [Sarge] You're always on break.
- [Grif] Hey, if you
don't use it, you lose it.
Speaking of which, I'm
also on Simmons' break.
- [Sarge] You know, I've reached a level
where I'm not even disappointed in you.
- [Grif] How do you think I feel?
I'm spending my break
talking about Simmons.
(sighs) I'd envisioned so much more.
- [Sarge] Break's over,
go see what he's up to.
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine!
- Fine, what?
- Fine, sir.
- [Sarge] That's more like it.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] Hey, have you
guys seen Tex anywhere?
Oh, there you are, whoa.
What's with the new armor?
- [Tex] I'm leaving, Church.
- [Church] What, where?
- [Tex] Can't say there's some
things I need to look into.
You're going to that
frozen base aren't you?
I need to know more about myself, Church.
And I'm not gonna find
anything out by sitting around
on my ass with all of you.
- [Church] Well, let us come with you.
- [Tex] You guys, this
is a military operation.
I need people with military training.
- [Grif] We have military training.
- [Tex] Um, I need people
who understand the military training.
- [Grif] Wow, look who's getting picky.
- [Tucker] Yeah, beggars
can't be choosers.
- [Tex] No offense.
But you guys just end up
slowing me down half the time.
Or more than half the time.
All the time is more than
half the time, right?
- [Grif] You know what, fuck it,
why are we even arguing about this?
We don't wanna go anyway.
- [Tucker] Yeah, good luck on
your mission to the empty base
guarded by tons of real military dudes
who are all looking for you anyway?
- [Grif] Yeah, hope you
find your empty base,
and your files full of nothing.
- [Church] Well, I'm going
and I'm not gonna let you
stop me.
- Yeah?
Okay, I have a feeling I could
use you before this is done.
- [Tucker] Oh, and when
you both get killed again?
Be sure to let us know.
That way we can revive you,
so that you can run off,
and get killed again.
Seriously, it never gets old to us.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] Yo.
- [Simmons] Very interesting.
- [Grif] Sarge wants to know
what you're doing over here,
dipshit, I added the dipshit.
- [Simmons] I think I
found where the Freelancers
stored some of their
equipment for their armor.
- [Grif] Okay, okay, stop.
I'll just tell Sarge
'Simmons is doing something
seriously fucking boring', thanks.
- [Simmons] The freelancers all had AI,
and a special power, right?
This is the equipment
that let them do that.
- [Grif] Oh, cool, like the invisibility,
and super strength, and stuff?
- [Simmons] Yeah, we can just
hook them up to our armor,
and activate 'em.
- [Grif] And they would work?
- [Simmons] Well, they need an AI
to help them run exactly right.
But they have to help in some way.
- [Grif] Would they even
work when we're asleep?
- [Simmons] I guess so, why?
Wait, you wanna turn invisible
and take a nap, don't you?
- [Grif] Think about it, Simmons.
The ability to nap whenever I want,
and Sarge could never find me.
Invisible Nap is the best nap of all time.
- [Simmons] No man should
have that kind of power.
- [Grif] I would be
completely unstoppable.
- [Simmons] Actually, you
would be the exact opposite
of that.
- Totally stoppable.
Already stopped.
Think about it, Simmons.
- [Simmons] I really don't want to.
- [Grif] Think about it.
- [Simmons] No.
- [Grif] Are you thinking about it?
- [Simmons] Unfortunately, yes, I am.
- [Grif] Then suit me up.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] Doc, do you have a second?
- [Doc] I'm a prisoner, Wash,
I have nothing but seconds.
- Right, good point.
- [Doc] I mean you don't even need to ask,
you could just be like,
"Hey Prisoner number one,
come over here, and talk to
me, I'm a Freelancer (grunts)."
- [Washington] Okay, I get it.
- [Doc] Yeah, you really need to step up
your hostage-taking skills.
- Stop lecturing me,
or I will shoot you and
feed you to the Meta.
- [Doc] Does he eat people?
- [Washington] Do you
really wanna find out?
- [Doc] No, maybe.
If we use another person, sure,
that's kind of interesting.
- Now, you've spent
some time with him now,
what's your diagnosis?
- Of who, the Meta?
- [Washington] Yes, pay
attention to what's being said.
- [Doc] Testy, based on what you've said
he's just underpowered.
He has a bunch of equipment,
and he can't use it now.
- [Washington] That's
because he lost all his AI.
- [Doc] Wow, if I had all
these cool fighting gadgets,
and I couldn't use 'em, I'd be pretty mad.
- Yeah.
- What happens
if he uses them without the
help of the computer program?
- [Washington] Let's just put it this way,
it ain't pretty.
- All hooked up?
- Yeah.
Installation was easy,
you ready to turn on?
- Ready.
- Now listen,
you don't have an AI, so
nothing's gonna help you make
the calculations you
need to use this thing,
so just take it easy.
- [Grif] I was born to take it easy.
Fire it up.
(ratchet clanking)
(gun charging)
- [Simmons] Okay, it's on,
do you feel any different?
- [Grif] No, kinda energetic,
am I invisible, huh, am I?
I mean can you see me?
- Calm down.
No, I can still see you.
Try jumping.
- Jump.
I jumped, did that work, Simmons,
I can do it again, please
let me do it again.
Want me to jump again,
I'll do it right now.
I won't even stop, let me
jump, let me jump, let me jump.
Why aren't you answering me
when I talk with my mouth.
- [Simmons] (sighs) walk over there.
I have a theory, this one
is either super healing,
or super speed.
(Grif cheering)
- [Caboose] Yeah, so then
Church said I love you forever,
- That didn't happen.
- Hi Caboose.
- [Tucker] Whoa, what the hell was that?
- [Caboose] What was what?
Hey Grif.
- [Sarge] That is one
fine piece of machinery.
Huh, why am I so angry all of a sudden?
- [Simmons] Slow down, slow
down, slow right, anchor,
slow down, slow down.
- Ow.
- [Simmons] Hey asshole, are you dead?
- [Grif] Oh whoa, Simmons,
did you see that, did you see?
I saw it, totally, did you
see it, I hit that wall.
Man, that was fast, that was super fast.
I'm so fast, god, I'm so fast,
why is it so hot in here.
- Grif, calm down!
- [Grif] I'm calm, I'm
totally calm, you be calm,
Why would you say to be calm
when you know I'm already calm?
Isn't it obvious that I'm calm?
That doesn't even make any sense,
you should make some sense,
why is it so hot in here?
- [Sarge] What in Sam
Hell is all the racket?
- [Grif] Hey Sarge, what's up Sarge!
Simmons is doing some experiments,
and I'm helping him, Sarge!
Right now we're doing one
where everyone talks slow,
and the lights are super
bright, and I can smell clouds,
and man is it so hot in here!
- [Simmons] We installed
a speed unit on Grif,
and it's sort of Malfunctioning right now.
- Well turn him off!
- I can't!
They run on timers, we're just
gonna have to wait it out.
- How long?
- How long, what's long?
I like long stuff, I knew a giraffe once,
I think it was in a book, a giraffe book.
The book wasn't long, but
the giraffe totally was,
because of the neck, you know,
you know what I mean, do you?
Do you, the part that
connects the head to the body.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
(Grif thudding)
(tense dramatic music)
(wind howling)
- [Church] Wow, you took
all those guys out at once?
Was that really necessary?
- Eh, they'll live.
- No, they won't
- Oh, yeah,
I see your point.
Come on, let's get inside
- [Church] Man, those guys got fucked up.
What?
(tense dramatic music)
Wait a minute.
Oh no.
Tex, hold on a second!
- What's wrong?
- [Church] Um, yeah, don't know
if I mentioned this before,
but I've kind of had psychic
visions about this place.
Yeah, I thought it was Valhalla at first,
but I guess it turns out it was here.
Probably should have
told you this earlier.
- [Tex] Yes, you should
have told me this earlier.
- [Church] Well, I'm telling
you now, does that count?
- [Tex] Do you think it counts?
- Nah, probably not.
- You're not psychic, genius.
You're just remembering,
you've been here before.
We all were, this is
where they moved Alpha.
After a few of us Freelancers
went rogue, we compared notes,
and pieced together what
they were doing to him.
I convinced them to come
back, break him out.
The Project moved him here
to try to protect him,
so that they could keep
experimenting on him.
- [Church] Whoa, you were
in charge of the break-in?
- [Tex] I couldn't just
let them destroy him.
He was being tortured.
The Director had even started
to use some of the other AI
against him.
Think about that, turning
his own pieces against him?
It's sick.
Gamma and Omega would fabricate scenarios
where he was designed to fail,
and they made it seem like his failures
were hurting all of the
people he cared about.
And there was nothing
he could do about it.
It drove him mad, broke
him down even more.
- [Church] But you came
back, you saved him.
- [Tex] No, I didn't.
It was too late.
By the time I got to him,
he was already long gone.
I don't even think he recognized me.
I failed, only in my case,
it really was my fault.
- [FILSS] That is not
an approved operation.
Hey, watch it, buddy.
- [Simmons] Can you show me the data logs?
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
- [Sarge] Simmons, any progress
in restoring the Blues?
- [Simmons] It's a lot of data entry, sir.
I was thinking I could hack the mainframe,
and reroute the data stream.
- [FILSS] Or we could just restore
from an archived database.
- What?
- [FILSS] This is an
off-site fallback facility.
It is designed to have
archives in case of data loss.
Blue Team rosters would
certainly be a part of that.
- Really?
- Yes.
In fact, I am glad you pointed
out the database anomaly.
I had noticed it before,
but did not have time
to investigate, strange.
- [Simmons] Oh, okay,
yeah, restore that then.
- Done.
- Great.
- [FLISS] You seem disappointed.
Did I do it too quickly,
and make you look bad?
- No.
- I could always pretend
that you hacked me if it
would make you look better
to your friends.
- [Simmons] Stop patronizing me.
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
Patronizing subroutines are now offline.
- [Simmons] You're still
patronizing me, aren't you?
- Kind of.
- Hmm.
- What is it, Grif?
- This is weird.
If I'm reading this right,
there's a bunch of other
Red and Blue bases.
- [Sarge] Of course there are, Grif!
The war's huge, the fate of the
galaxy rests in the balance!
- [Grif] Or not.
- What does that mean?
- Here, check this out.
I'm looking at the list of missions
for all the different bases
and some of 'em look familiar.
- [Simmons] Lemme see, huh.
Apparently they set up
bases in various locations,
and then send a Freelancer
in for training purposes.
- [Sarge] Training?
- Practice.
- Practice?
- [Simmons] Yeah, the Reds and
Blues are just there to test
the skills of the Freelancers.
- You mean the Blues.
- [Simmons] `No, I mean
both of them, both of us.
It says here that,
"Simulation bases will present
scenarios that may occur
for our freelancer agents in
the galactic battlefield."
- [Sarge] Simuwhation?
- [Grif] He means we're like lab rats.
- [Sarge] What, but that's nonsense!
We've been through so much!
We had that whole battle with
the Blues for the something,
or other, and then we
set off that bomb thingy,
and we got blasted through
time, and met an alien,
and that guy got pregnant!
- [Simmons] According to
this that is Scenario three.
- Three?
- Why us, though?
- [Simmons] Let me see, let me see,
"Bases are outfitted with
matching weapons and vehicles
to ensure long conflict and are staffed
by low-level operatives?"
- Hey,
who's that report calling low-level?
Stupid report, I'm gonna punch it.
- [Simmons] "Candidates
for Red and Blue squads
will be culled from enlisted Army ranks
based on low test scores
and poor field skills
so as to not be missed on-"
- [Grif] That actually does sound like me.
What about you, I thought you were smart.
Did you have low test scores too?
- [Simmons] Hey, those
time limits aren't fair.
It should be important that
I know the information,
not how fast I know it.
- Geez, guess I hit a nerve.
- [Simmons] And don't even get me started
on the number two pencils.
- [Grif] Well, Sarge, I always
said Command was full of.
Sarge?
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Caboose] Uh, that's good!
Uh, maybe a little to the left.
- What is all this?
- Oh, this is new Red base.
Welcome.
- When did you build this?
- [Caboose] Oh, I didn't
build this, your sergeant did!
- [Simmons] What, he built this, when?
- [Caboose] Oh, just now.
- [Simmons] He walked out of
the room like 10 seconds ago!
- [Caboose] Oh, he got
sad about something,
so he's making a Red base
here, and I'm helping.
I am great at building forts.
See, I already built a Blue base!
Ours has blankets.
- Go away!
- Sarge, what is all this?
- [Sarge] Simmons, didn't you
hear, we're cannon fodder!
Practice!
Well, if I'm the leader of junk,
I may as well have a
base made out of junk!
Pretty appropriate, right?
- Looks like shit!
- [Sarge] That was rhetorical, dirtbag!
- [Simmons] Well, sir,
I think this is an excellent
strategy, the Blues'll-
- Blues?
Simmons, don't you get it yet?
Grif was right all along!
- Thank you, sir.
- [Sarge] Don't call me that anymore.
- [Simmons] Sarge, this place
is one lie after another.
We don't know-
- Oh, we know, I know!
You want to fool yourself, go ahead.
- You're just upset sir.
- Don't call me that!
- What, call you what?
- Sir!
From now on, you call me by my name.
Sarge, or S-Dog.
I'm not in charge anymore!
I quit.
- You what?
- Uh-oh.
I get the feeling somebody
else's world just got rocked.
- [Caboose] Yip, I'll start
working on another fort.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Church] Tex, stop!
Where are we going?
- [Tex] There's only one person left
who knows what happened to me.
The Director.
- The Director?
Nobody even knows who he is!
- [Tex] I can think of
two people who might know.
Wash and the Meta.
- [Church] Wash and
Meta, are you kidding me?
Tex, forget all this.
What if they don't even know?
- [Tex] Then I get to kill Wash and Meta.
If I can't find the Director,
I'll just dismantle
everything he ever built.
- [Church] Tex, I think the
Director built all this for you.
- [Tex] Even more reason to
burn it all to the ground.
- [Church] Facing Wash and Meta is suicide
even if we knew where they were, we don't.
How the hell are you gonna find them?
- They'll find us.
- Oh, so what?
We just hole up, and wait for them to come
without ever even knowing
when that's gonna be?
- No, they'll come now.
- How?
Are you just gonna call them on the phone?
Something like that.
(gunshot booming)
- [Church] Tex?
- [Tex] I needed you to come.
Sheila said the recovery
beacon wouldn't activate
until we've left the storage facility.
- [Church] Tex?
- [Tex] I didn't ask
to be paired with you.
I didn't wanna come
back, but I'm here now.
So I'm gonna put an end to this.
- [Church] Tex, I would have helped you!
- [Tex] You can't even help yourself.
That's why you made me, Church.
You made me to take on all
the things you can't handle,
just like you always
have, well guess what?
I'm gonna handle it.
Wash and Meta will be coming now.
I have some things to get ready.
- [Church] Tex, why are you doing this?
- [Tex] Funny you should ask.
That's exactly what I plan to find out.
(tense dramatic music)
(beacon beeping)
- [Washington] What is that,
where is that coming from?
It can't be.
(Meta snarling)
I'm getting it too.
I should have known he might end up there.
- What is it?
- It's a recovery beacon.
It's him, it's Epsilon.
Doc, go get a vehicle, Meta,
you grab the memory unit.
- But where are we going?
- We're going
to the only place that's left.
- [FILSS] Alarm, incoming
recovery beacon, level zero.
Alarm.
- Oh no.
- [FILLS] Incoming recovery
beacon, level zero.
(tense dramatic music)
(car engine growling)
- [Washington] There he is!
Something doesn't seem right here.
Stop the car.
- Stop?
- [Washington] I don't like this
How did he get hurt, why
isn't anyone helping him?
(Meta growling)
You're right, this is a trap.
Those walls there, perfect for a sniper.
We walk into where he's hurt,
and suddenly we're boxed in.
Nowhere to go.
- [Doc] You think the Reds
are trying to ambush us?
- [Washington] The Reds (laughs)?
No, this is an actual military tactic
We drilled it all the time in training.
No, whoever set this up is a Freelancer.
- [Doc] Yeah, but if a
Freelancer set this up,
wouldn't they know that
you guys were Freelancers,
and that you would recognize
this as soon as you saw it?
- [Washington] What, no,
you're overthinking it.
That's just.
(alarm beeping)
Oh, son of a bitch.
- [Doc] (sighs) Told you so.
(explosion booming)
- [Caboose] Sergeant, sergeant.
- [Sarge] What do you want, Blue?
- I need your help.
- Our help?
- [Caboose] Yes, Church is
hurt, they must have gotten
to him and Tex
- They got Tex?
Good, that just means
she won't be able to beat
the hell out of us any more.
- [Caboose] No, we have to rescue them.
- [Grif] Rescue them, are you nuts?
No one told them to leave,
they're on their own.
- [Caboose] But they'll die!
Sergeant, please
- [Grif] Er, hey, dude, I
don't know if you've picked up
on this yet, but if you wanna
convince Sarge to do anything,
I don't think the best argument
is the Blues might die if we don't.
- [Sarge] Cowboy up,
Caboose, I'm coming with you.
- [Grif] What?
- [Sarge] I said, I'm helping him
- [Grif] Who, the Blue guy?
Why on earth would you ever
help a Blue for no reason?
- [Sarge] We'll need some weapons.
How'd your equipment test go, Simmons?
- [Simmons] About as
well as you would expect
- [Sarge] Uh, that's too bad
- [Grif] Well, I'm not
going, and you can't make me.
You quit, remember?
I don't take orders from
you any more, and besides,
this whole command structure
thing was bullshit anyway,
we all know that now.
- I'm not telling you to go,
I'm not even asking,
- You're not?
- [Sarge] Nope, I'm going, and that's it.
You wanna come, then come on,
but I don't expect you to.
Simmons will probably tell
you that, statistically,
some of us will probably die.
- All of us.
- [Sarge] All of us will probably die.
But that's not what's important.
Let me ask you two a question
You ever wonder why we're here?
(uptempo inspirational music)
- [Grif] Um, it does
seem to be one of life's
great mysteries.
- [Sarge] No, I mean you!
What are you doing here?
You always act like you wanna quit,
but hell, you could have
left whenever you wanted,
no one would have stopped
you, so why are you here?
And, you, Simmons?
- Me?
- [Sarge] You say you wanna be in charge.
They would have given you your
own squad a dozen times over,
you know it and I know
it, but you're still here.
And, you, Tucker, as much
as I hate to admit it,
you're actually good at being a soldier.
- [Tucker] I am?
- [Sarge] I know you like
to make your rude comments,
and pretend like it all doesn't matter,
but an entire alien race
chose you to be their hero.
So why are you here?
And, Caboose,
(grunts) it's good to see you
- [Caboose] Thanks, I'm really
enjoying the speech so far.
- [Sarge] Maybe you're all here
because this is the only place you fit in.
Maybe you're here because
you don't have anywhere else
to go.
Maybe you're all here 'cause deep down,
you want to be here, the
reason doesn't matter,
what matters it that you're here.
And for all we know,
Tex and Church are dead.
That means we're the only
ones who know what's happened.
The only ones who can prevent
them from covering it up.
The way I figure it,
these Freelancer guys wanna use us,
take us away from our families,
and send us all over the
dagum galaxy just to test
if their agents are
ready for the big fight.
Well, I guess I'm
interested in showing them
exactly what a big fight is all about.
Time to clean a slate.
So I'm not ordering you to go,
I ain't even asking,
you do what you gotta do, Private Grif.
- [Grif] (sighs) I'll go get my car keys.
- [Sarge] Ah, all right then, let's move
- [Simmons] I don't think
a jeep will get us there
soon enough, but I think
I know what we can use.
(tense dramatic music)
This.
- [Grif] Who the hell is gonna drive that?
- [Grif] Why is everyone looking at me?
(Washington coughing)
(tense dramatic music)
- [Washington] It can't be, Tex?
You're supposed to be dead.
- [Tex] Don't sound so disappointed.
You'll make me cry.
Where's the Director?
- [Washington] The Director?
And how would I know that?
(Tex tisking)
Wrong answer.
(Meta growling)
(tense dramatic music)
(punches thudding)
(Tex grunting)
(explosions booming)
(gunshots booming)
(blade whooshing)
- [Washington] No!
Be more careful, this thing
can't take anymore hits!
- [Doc] Church, are you okay?
- [Church] She fuckin' shot
me, what is wrong with her?
- [Doc] She did, that's
what brought us to you.
- [Church] I know, she meant to do that!
- [Doc] Well, she's paying for it now.
(tense dramatic music)
(gunshots booming)
- [Washington] Is that a mountain?
(mine beeping)
(explosions booming)
(tense dramatic music)
(punches thudding)
Meta, take it, get her!
(Tex grunting)
(rock thudding)
(Tex grunting)
(gunshots booming)
(explosions booming)
(Tex grunting)
♪ Ooh ♪
Oh my God.
Run!
♪ Ooh, ah ♪
(rocks crumbling)
Meta, wait, I.
(Meta grunting)
Goddammit!
- [Doc] Wash, here, take this!
- [Washington] Doc, throw it, throw it!
- [Doc] Here it comes!
- [Washington] You've
got to be kidding me.
(Washington grunting)
(water splashing)
That was the second worst throw, ever.
Of all time.
- [Doc] What do you want from me?
I ran track in high school.
(Meta grunting)
(blades clanking)
(explosion booming)
- [Washington] Meta, wait!
We don't need to hurt her, we only need.
- [Church] No, stop!
Let her out of that thing!
- [Washington] We can't,
the unit is failing.
Epsilon, it's over.
You're coming with us.
- [Church] I'm not
going anywhere with you.
We can fight you!
- We can?
- We will.
- [Doc] Ah, great.
- [Washington] I'm sorry to hear that.
Meta, give me the memory unit.
Meta?
(tense dramatic music)
Meta, no, don't!
Dammit!
(tense dramatic music)
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] Doc, you
have to protect Epsilon!
- [Doc] Well, what do I do?
- Run!
♪ Ah ♪
(explosions booming)
I'll try to hold him (grunts)!
(gunshots booming)
(Meta grunting)
I knew you would do this, Meta.
I just can't believe,
can't believe,
I can't believe it.
- [Sarge] There they are,
land right next to 'em!
- [Grif] Right, land.
- [Sarge] You do know how to
land this vehicle, don't ya?
- [Grif] Sure, that just
means stop flying, right?
- [Sarge] Brace for impact!
- [Tucker] Oh, shit! This is gonna suck!
- [Caboose] I still
haven't gotten my peanuts.
(airplane screeching)
(explosion booming)
(all screaming)
- [Grif] Ow.
Ow.
- [Doc] Whoa, that was a close one!
- [Washington] I would
say that was the cavalry,
but I've never seen a line of horses crash
into the battlefield
from outer space before.
- [Church] Hey, is it
possible for a memory fragment
out of an artificial intelligence program
enclosed inside a robotic
body to piss its pants?
Because I'm pretty sure I just did that.
- [Washington] Come on.
Let's see how many of your
friends survived that.
- [Church] You know, they're
not really my friends.
- [Washington] That's
okay, I'm sure none of them
really survived.
- [Sarge] Grif, look
what you did to our ship!
- [Grif] Ah, fuck it, it's a rental.
- [Sarge] Good point, fuck it.
(ship whooshing)
(ship thudding)
- [Church] Has anybody seen Tex?
- [Washington] I'm sorry Epsilon.
The Meta captured her in the memory unit.
- [Church] There it is!
She's here!
- [Washington] Epsilon,
there's nothing we can do,
she's stuck in there.
- [Church] So, let her out.
- [Washington] We rigged
it so it's one-way.
We didn't want you to escape again.
[Church] Well, unrig it.
- [Washington] I'd need
to get it to a lab,
somewhere with tools.
- Simmons?
- [Simmons] Hey, he's the expert.
I don't know what I can do to help.
- [Washington] And it's
in no condition to move.
If it locks down before I can open it,
she'll be trapped in there.
- [Simmons] We should try something.
- [Washington] If I let her
out, you have to come with me.
- [Church] Yes, fine, just get her out.
- [Washington] Caboose,
Tucker, get in the base.
See if you can find some tools.
- Okay!
- All right,
I'll be right back.
- You three find me anything
that has power, anything and everything.
We're gonna need a lot to keep it online.
- [Sarge] On it!
- [Church] I can get her out.
- [Washington] What?
No.
- It's my only option.
- [Washington] I need you, Epsilon,
you're my only ticket out of this mess.
If you get stuck in there,
they'll never believe me.
I'm not going back to prison.
- I can do it.
- [Washington] No, I won't let you.
- [Church] You can't stop me.
I have to help her.
She's here because of us.
- [Washington] Because of me?
- [Church] Not you, us, me,
and Alpha, and the Director.
- [Washington] You've started to remember.
- [Church] I found some
journals from The Director.
She's someone from his
life, someone he loved.
- [Washington] Allison,
her name was Allison.
- [Church] Allison.
When they made Alpha, she came back.
She was a byproduct of the process.
- [Washington] She's just a shadow.
- [Church] Don't call her that.
She died in her real life,
and that's all The Director
ever remembered of her.
So now, no matter how tough she is,
no matter how hard she fights,
she's always going to fail,
because that's what she's based on.
No matter what she's doing,
or what she's trying to accomplish.
Just when her goal is within her reach,
it gets yanked away
every single time.
Can you imagine what that's like?
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] I think
I'm getting the idea.
- Uh-oh.
(Meta growling)
- [Grif] Simmons, what are we looking for?
- [Simmons] Power cells,
batteries, anything.
- [Grif] How is a power cell
different from a battery?
- [Simmons] Grif, this is not the time!
- [Sarge] Hey, did you hear that?
- [Simmons] Yeah, I did,
come on, Grif, let's go!
- [Grif] Aren't we supposed
to run away from explosions?
(explosion booming)
- Ow!
- What happened?
- The Meta there.
- [Sarge] And I was afraid
we wouldn't get to kick
a little ass today, come on, fellas!
- [Tucker] Caboose, stay with Church!
- [Caboose] Okay.
- [Tucker] And try not
to kill him by accident!
- [Caboose] Okay!
(blades whooshing)
(Meta grunting)
(tense dramatic music)
(gunshots booming)
- Attack!
- Get him!
- [Grif] We're gonna fuckin' die!
(gunshots booming)
(explosion booming)
- [Simmons] Fire in the hole!
(tense dramatic music)
- [Grif] Get him!
(grunts) This guy grunts like a bear.
Yoink!
- [Sarge] Ow!
(gunshot booming)
Goddammit!
- [Tucker] Stab!
- [Sarge] Wash, come on, he needs help!
- [Washington] I can't, I'm done.
Here, take this, you know what to do.
(punches thudding)
(Tucker grunting)
- [Sarge] Come here,
you big son of a bitch!
♪ Ooh ♪
(gunshots booming)
♪ Ooh ♪
- [Grif] What's he doing?
- [Simmons] Looks like
he's killing himself.
- [Grif] Oh no!
- [Sarge] Hey, Grif, I've lost my shotgun!
What am I gonna do without my shotgun?
Shotgun, dammit!
- [Grif] Shotgun?
Come on, Simmons!
(Sarge grunting)
- [Sarge] Hey, Meta,
settle a bet, would ya?
Does that thing kinda look
like a big cat to you?
- [Simmons] Come on, push, Grif!
- [Grif] I am pushing!
(tense dramatic music)
(Meta growling)
- [Grif] Whoa!
- [Simmons] Grif!
- [Grif] Simmons, grab my hand, help!
- [Simmons] Hold on,
hold on, don't let go!
- [Grif] Simmons?
- [Sarge] Uh-oh.
- Simmons!
- Grif!
- [Simmons] He's gone.
- [Sarge] Yes, Grif is dead.
It's a sad day.
But he died as he lived,
flat on his belly,
and trying to get someone
else to do his work for him.
He will be missed.
Until we get a replacement.
And then forgotten immediately.
- [Simmons] I can't
believe he's gone (sobs).
- [Tucker] You know, sometimes
when somebody falls off
a cliff in movies,
he's actually just over the
edge hanging on a tree branch
or something.
- No, he's definitely dead.
- [Simmons] Maybe we
should look, just in case.
- [Sarge] I think looking
would get our hopes up,
and Grif wouldn't like that.
Grif would want our expectations
to be as low as possible.
Let's honor him by not looking,
and then have a nice lunch.
I'm thinkin' Monte Cristo sandwich.
- [Simmons] Are you
sure, I could just peek
right over the edge.
- Sounds like a waste of time.
- [Simmons] Wouldn't even take a second.
- [Sarge] Nah.
- [Grif] Oh for God's sake,
just look over the damn edge,
I can't hold on for much longer!
- [Simmons] Grif!
- [Sarge] Danglin' on
the job again, I see.
Dagnabit, I hate cliffhangers!
- [Grif] Oh, just pick me up!
(object buzzing)
- [Doc] Yeah, I don't know,
it's in really bad shape,
so are you.
- There's not much time.
I need you to use it on me.
- [Doc] Me, I can't, I'm
a medic, I took an oath!
- [Church] Oh yeah, the first
is, er, do no harm, right?
- [Doc] Well, actually now first
is lobby against socialist reform.
But second is, yeah, that no harm thing.
- [Church] Caboose, here, pick it up.
- [Caboose] I can't, Church.
- [Church] Yes, you can,
you do this all the time.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I don't want to.
- [Church] Yeah, okay, okay, Caboose,
I'm sure I can do it on my own.
- [Caboose] But what if
you don't come out again?
- [Church] Well, you know
what Delta always said, right?
- [Caboose] Memory is the key.
- [Church] If I don't come
back, then you're in charge
of remembering me, okay?
Don't let Tucker help,
he'll just fuck it up.
Bye, buddy.
(Church whooshing)
- [Sarge] What's going on here?
- [Caboose] Church went
in, he's going to find her.
- [Simmons] That unit looks bad,
let me see what I can do to stabilize it.
- [Sarge] Doc, go check on Wash.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
- [Simmons] Oh no!
- [Caboose] What? What?
- [Simmons] It's only gonna be
open for a few more seconds.
After that, he'll be trapped.
- [Caboose] Come on,
Church. you can do it.
Can you hear me, you can,
run towards my voice!
- [Simmons] It's shutting
down, I can't stop it!
- [Caboose] Church, are you there?
- [Simmons] Caboose, I'm sorry.
- [Caboose] Church?
(wind howling)
(wind howling)
(airplane whooshing)
(radio blaring)
(car engine growling)
- [Soldier] And where the hell
did the Pelican in the water
come from?
- Hmm, I don't know.
I guess the Meta must have hijacked it.
And crashed it here,
that makes sense, right?
- [Soldier] Man, the
Chairman is gonna be pissed.
The budget only allows for one
crashed Pelican per mission.
All right, well I guess
you guys check out.
You can head back to
your training bases now.
- [Sarge] We just call them bases.
- [Soldier] Mm, I bet.
- [Grif] Hey, we solved your problem.
Not bad for trainees.
- [Soldier] Got to hand it to you,
killing one of these agents
would be tough, but three?
And this guy,
the Chairman will not be happy he's dead.
Think he wanted to debrief him personally.
Oh well.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Caboose] Yeah, that's too bad.
- [Washington] Well, be sure
to let him know we're sorry.
- [Soldier] Whatever, you're free to go.
If we need you, we know where to find you.
- [Washington] Why are
you guys helping me?
- [Caboose] You helped us,
Wash, it only makes sense.
- [Tucker] Yeah, plus we
need to even the teams.
And I couldn't put up with
Caboose constantly asking,
"Can we keep him, can we keep him?"
- [Washington] For whatever
it's worth, thanks.
- [Grif] So, looks like Blue
Team has a new recruit, Sarge.
- [Simmons] Doesn't look so tough to me.
- [Sarge] Maybe this one can shoot.
Come on, fellas, let's go home.
- [Grif] Uh, Jeep's busted,
Sarge, are we walking?
- [Sarge] That depends,
you fellas gotten over
your fear of flyin' yet?
- Yes, sir!
(tense dramatic music)
- [Grif] Zoink!
- [Soldier] Hey, you can't take
that, that's UNSC property!
Come back here, hey come
on, I'm gonna lose my job!
- [Simmons] I hope this doesn't
go on our permanent record!
- [Soldier] Hey, chief,
what do you want me to do
with this thing?
I can't get anything out of
it, it's dead as a doornail.
- [Soldier] I don't care,
toss it in evidence,
it's all a bunch of junk now anyway.
- [Church] I'd like to say
that I found her right away.
That I just walked into the Epsilon Unit,
and there she was, waiting for me.
As you can probably guess,
it didn't happen that way,
but I know she's in here
somewhere, and I'll find her.
We always seem to find each
other, for better or for worse.
I don't know why the
Director did what he did.
I don't know if he was
trying to revive a memory
from his past, or if he was
just trying to get it out
of his head.
But I figured out something
that the Director didn't.
It took Alpha, Delta, and
all the rest to help piece it
together for me, but
what I've learned is that
a great love is a lot like a good memory.
When it's there, and you know it's there,
but it's just out of your reach,
it can be all that you think about.
You can focus on it, and try to force it,
but the more you do, the more
you seem to push it away.
But if you're patient, and you hold still,
well, maybe, just maybe,
(uptempo dramatic music)
it'll come to you.
I just need to make sure I'm
somewhere that she can find me.
I think this place is a little
different than it was before.
See, out there, everything
is based on the Alpha.
But in here, well, I guess I'm the Alpha.
And maybe this time through,
things will be a little
different for me as well.
I guess I'll find out.
- [Tucker] Hey, Church, come on.
I think the Reds got a new
vehicle, let's check it out!
- [Caboose] They only got
a Jeep, we got a tank,
that's way better!
(birds chirping)
- [Church] Okay, I'll be right there!
And I mean, hell,
If you have to live the rest
of your life in a memory,
you might as well make it a good one.
(uptempo dramatic music)
("Red vs Blue" by Jeff Williams)
♪ Tell me why you're here ♪
♪ You could walk away right now ♪
♪ No-one would stop you ♪
♪ You're free to choose your own way ♪
♪ Don't be afraid of the choice
you make it's all right ♪
♪ Questions remain ♪
♪ They will linger on like memories ♪
♪ Were you right to ♪
♪ Give your life to ♪
♪ Someone else to run it for you ♪
♪ Do you wish you ♪
♪ Kept your life to be somebody ♪
♪ Good to conquer evil ♪
♪ Lies to fight the truth ♪
♪ Are any of us only saints or sinners ♪
♪ Or is it always red versus blue ♪
♪ Good to conquer evil ♪
♪ Lies to fight the truth ♪
♪ Are any of us only saints or sinners ♪
♪ Or is it always red versus blue ♪
(radio crackling)
- [Doc] Come in Command, come in Command,
this is Medical Officer Dufresne.
I have arrived at Freelancer
Program Simulation Outpost 17.
Command?
Come in?
Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne.
I've reached FPS Outpost 17.
- [Simmons] Hey, down
here, we're over here!
Hey, come down here!
- [Doc] Nevermind, Command,
I think I see the objective.
Stupid radio doesn't work
anyway, what else is new?
(water whooshing)
(birds chirping)
Holy cow, Simmons, is that you?
- [Simmons] Oh, hey Doc, man,
I didn't know they'd send you.
- [Doc] Yeah, we got the radio call,
and I was the closest
medic so they sent me.
But I didn't know it'd be you guys!
Small galaxy, huh?
Man, we've got a lotta catching up to do.
So what's up, somebody hurt or what?
What's going on?
- Him.
- [Doc] Him?
Um, he's dead.
- [Simmons] Yeah, he is.
He was shot.
- Um, Simmons,
I know it's been a while
since we've seen each other,
and I have increased my skill
as a medic in that time,
but dead is still pretty
much outside my jurisdiction.
- [Simmons] Man, I just
didn't know they'd send you.
- [Doc] Yeah, you said that already.
Hey is everything okay with you?
- [Simmons] It's not my fault Doc,
(stammers) I had to make
the call, they made me.
They needed someone with medical training.
- [Doc] What're you talkin' about?
- [Simmons] I didn't mean
for you to get involved,
I'm sorry, really.
- Sorry about what?
Uh-oh.
- [Washington] He's sorry about us.
(logo buzzing)
(tense dramatic music)
(logo whooshing)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Hey Grif, what's up?
- Hm, oh, hey Tucker.
- What're you doing?
- [Grif] Well, Sarge told
me to bury all the bodies
from our battle.
- That's a lot of graves.
A lot of holes to fill,
bow chicky bow wow.
- [Grif] And now I can't find 'em,
because the bodies were piled over here
by these stone pillars,
and then the wind came,
and blew sand all over the damn things
- [Tucker] So I guess they're
already buried, good job dude.
- [Grif] I like the way you think.
- [Sarge] Grif, what the
hell are you doing up here?
I thought I told you to bury those bodies?
What?
- He did,
he buried the shit out of 'em, look.
- What the, I only gave you
that order five minutes ago.
How'd you do it so fast?
Did you help him?
- Help him?
Dude, we've been fighting
for like eight years,
haven't you learned anything about me yet?
I'm a lover, not a digger.
- Yeah (laughs),
maybe he woulda helped
me if some of the bodies
were dead ladies.
And I realize that sounded a lot creepier
than what I intended.
- [Sarge] Well, does someone
wanna say a few words?
- Words?
- Yes,
these men were soldiers.
Even if they were enemy soldiers,
they still deserve a eulogy.
- [Tucker] Well don't look at
me, I'm a lover not a talker.
Hey dude, you wanna make another
sex-with-dead-people joke?
- [Grif] No, I think I hit my quota.
- [Sarge] Well what about
your buddy mister cult leader?
- [Church] So, then this one guy
said some things to another
guy, and the people liked it,
and that's pretty much that.
- It's not his fault,
those aliens just worship
this ancient technology,
and the people who made it (laughs),
what's a brother gonna do?
- [Sarge] Who in Sam
Hell worships technology?
- [Grif] Are they from the Internet?
- [Caboose] Yes, this is
just very interesting.
I understand everything
that is being said, good.
- [Tucker] Caboose, what're
you doing, get out of there.
- [Caboose] It's not fair!
Hey, I worshiped Church,
way before it was cool
to worship him.
- Hey, I already told you
that's still not cool.
That will never, be cool ever.
- [Church] Oh, hey there guys.
How's life among all the non-deities?
Pretty lame, I bet!
Pretty sure none of you've been worshiped
all day long today, weak!
- [Sarge] Do ya think you
guys might be milkin' this
just a bit?
- [Tucker] Hey, do you
wanna tell the big group
of deadly aliens that they're mistaken,
and he's not who they think he is?
- [Sarge] Hm, I see your point.
Hey, your circular holiness!
How about delivering the eulogy?
We're buryin' most of these
guys 'cause of you anyway.
- [Church] Me? I only lasered one guy.
- [Caboose] Which was awesome.
- [Church] I know it was, right?
- [Caboose] So cool, the
laser came out of your face.
- [Tucker] Have you
been able to figure out
how you did that yet?
- No, I think it's just
because I got really mad.
Hey, say something to make me angry.
See if it happens again.
- You're ugly,
and nobody likes you.
- You're annoying,
and your team sucks.
- You're round,
and you can't wear pants.
- [Church] You guys came up
with all that really quickly.
- [Tucker] Eh, it pays to be prepared.
Did it work, are you pissed?
- [Church] No, I think I'm
actually kinda depressed now.
Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.
- [Caboose] Well I only said it
because everyone is thinking it.
- [Tucker] Maybe mad makes a red laser,
and depressed'll make a blue laser.
- [Caboose] Well I hope we don't find out
what makes a brown laser.
- You idiots shut up.
Hey Globey, you makin'
a speech or ain't ya?
- [Church] Hey sure no problem.
I did a sermon just the other
day that the aliens loved
- [Tucker] Sermon, you just
read them the setup guide
to our Inkjet printer.
- [Church] Yeah, and they
eat that gadget stuff up.
You gotta know your audience, buddy.
- [Grif] How is it possible
that ever since Caboose
revived you, you can't remember anything
except how to be a jackass?
- Some things are hardwired.
- [Church] Attention true believers,
and other people.
We are here today to pay our
final, and our first, respects,
to the dearly departed.
But first, I'd like you
all to join me in a song
in honor of me.
♪ Hm ♪
♪ I am the best. ♪
- Skip it!
- Fine.
Okay, uh, in the beginning,
there was darkness,
and uh, and out from the
darkness came a voice.
And it said.
(tense dramatic music)
And it said.
(Church stammering)
Out, out from the darkness came.
(tense dramatic music)
Out from the darkness.
- [Grif] Is his playback skipping?
- [Tucker] I don't know.
- [Sarge] Maybe he needs a reboot.
Good thing I wore my boots.
I'll reboot him right
in the keister (laughs).
- [Church] Out from the
darkness came, uh, someone.
I'll be right back.
(aliens grunting)
- [Tucker] Uh oh, the
natives are getting restless.
Caboose, get up there and stall 'em,
I'll figure out what's going on.
- [Caboose] Yes, and out of
the darkness came someone!
And that someone was me!
Yes.
And I said,
funerals are sad,
and we should have a
birthday party instead, yes!
Yes, let there be cake!
Um, hallelujah,
gesundheit!
- [Church] Hey you, hold
on a second, who are you?
Hey I'm talkin' to you, what are you deaf?
What are you.
(water flowing)
What?
- Church!
Hey Church, what are
you doing out here, man?
- What, what?
- The aliens don't like it
when you leave 'em alone.
And I don't like it when
the aliens don't like stuff.
- Did you see him?
- Who?
- [Church] The person,
from the darkness, the,
no, uh, that's not
right, that's not right.
Well did you see?
- [Sarge] What's he talkin' about?
- [Tucker] I think he's
having another memory flash.
- [Sarge] A what?
- [Tucker] Random memories
that keep coming back to him.
He's been getting 'em
more and more lately,
and I don't think he has
any control over 'em.
He gets all emo too, it's annoying,
like having a chick around,
but without all the fun parts
of having a chick around, like bonin'!
- [Sarge] You should
take out his memory unit,
and blow on it, that'll fix it.
- [Caboose] Is he having more memories?
- Yep.
- Did he remember me
this time?
- Nope.
- [Church] I saw a canyon,
and a, uh, a waterfall.
And there was some
kinda dark figure there.
- [Caboose] Was the dark figure me?
- [Tucker] Caboose, we will
let you know if you come up,
I promise.
A waterfall, huh?
That's the second time
you've talked about that.
- [Church] Yeah, but where could that be?
- [Grif] Uh, that sounds
like our new bases.
- [Caboose] It does?
It does!
- What?
Caboose, why didn't you
mention that the first time?
- [Caboose] Um, I didn't remember it?
- [Tucker] You didn't
remember a waterfall?
Dude, that's like not
remembering your first girlfriend
turned out to have a dick.
Right Grif?
- [Grif] Sometimes I'm sorry
I even told you that story.
(Sarge grunting)
- Hey, Sarge, what's wrong?
- [Sarge] I don't like this, Grif.
- [Grif] What, the vision?
- [Tucker] It's a waterfall!
It's literally impossible to
forget, like girlfriend dick!
- [Sarge] Yeah.
I've never been what you
call a new age kind of guy.
- [Grif] You don't say.
- [Sarge] But this bowling
ball seems to be on a heck
of a role, pun intended.
- [Sarge] What with the
flying and the laser shooting
and all.
- And he can lift stuff
without arms.
It's pretty cool.
- That too.
What if there's something
to this whole vision thing?
We need to call Simmons.
Find out if he's seen
anything out of the ordinary.
- [Grif] How, our long range
radio here got destroyed,
and we don't have enough
signal power in the jeeps
to reach him.
- [Sarge] I think I have
an idea how to fix that.
(slow dramatic music)
(Doc panting)
- [Doc] Ow, my head, ow!
- [Simmons] Doc, you're alive, oh good!
- [Doc] Yeah, no thanks to you!
Why'd you hit me?
- [Simmons] I didn't hit you, they did!
- [Doc] Jerks, who are they?
- [Simmons] The dark one's
Washington, he's a freelancer.
- [Doc] Great, 'cause those
guys are always such a blast
to hang around with.
- [Simmons] The big one, we call the Meta.
- [Doc] But rumor had it
those guys were disbanded.
Everyone went to jail.
- [Simmons] Yeah, well,
I guess they got paroled.
- [Washington] You two, quiet.
(Meta growling)
(Meta buzzing)
- [Washington] Then you
need to stop trying to use
all of them, you just don't
have the resources anymore.
- [Simmons] Meta killed a
bunch of other freelancers.
He took their equipment.
- Like the invisibility?
- Yeah, and the shield,
and the thing that slows down time.
He also stole their AI fragments,
but those all got wiped out.
Now something seems, I
don't know, wrong with him.
- [Doc] An AI fragment?
That I remember!
Hey, Simmons, remember
that AI I had for a while?
That thing was crazy!
(Meta growling)
Yikes!
- [Washington] Halt!
Meta, stop!
- [Doc] Ooh, Simmons, help me!
- [Washington] You, what did you just say?
- [Doc] (stutters) That I
had one of your AI units?
(Meta snarling)
- Stand down!
You said had, where is it now?
- Gone.
- Which one?
- [Doc] Uh, uh, the mean one!
- [Washington] Its name,
did you know its name?
- [Doc] (stammers)
O'Malley, I mean, uh, Omega!
- [Washington] Well, that
one's been accounted for.
- [Doc] I only had it for a short time!
- [Washington] Well, then good,
you know what to look for.
I need a complete scan of my friend here,
and I would recommend you
don't use any needles.
He hates needles and we
wouldn't want to make him angry,
now would we?
(slow dramatic music)
- [Sarge] All right, let's try this!
You ready, antenna ball?
- [Church] I told you not to
call me that, and hurry it up!
This metal rod isn't exactly
in a comfortable place.
- [Grif] Hey, do you wanna
find out about your vision,
or don't you?
- Come in,
Valhalla outpost number one, come in!
Red base, do you read me?
Come in!
Give me some more power, shotput.
- [Simmons] Uh, Sarge, yeah, hi.
- [Sarge] Who is this, identify yourself?
- [Simmons] It's me, Simmons, sorry, sir.
- [Sarge] How's everything
going there, Simmons?
- [Simmons] Here, uh, fine, I guess.
Everything's good how about you guys?
- [Sarge] Mission is complete.
We're preparing to head out soon.
- [Simmons] What was that,
sorry, some static here.
This radio's a little messed up.
Been a bit rainier here.
- [Sarge] I said we're coming back soon.
- [Simmons] Oh, that's great!
Hey, when do you think
that'll be, exactly?
- [Sarge] Hard to say,
Simmons, we'll let you know.
- [Simmons] Okay, Sarge, sounds good.
- [Sarge] Over and out.
- [Washington] Okay, good,
now get back over there.
- That was your Sergeant?
- Yeah.
- [Doc] You think he'll come help us?
- [Simmons] No, I couldn't
say anything to him.
If they come, they'll be
walking straight into a trap.
- Thanks for the help.
- Yeah, whatever.
I'm not gonna fly straight for a week now.
- [Grif] Simmons sounded good.
I guess he's got everything under control.
- [Sarge] Donut and Lopez are dead,
and someone has taken Simmons prisoner.
- [Grif] What, everything
sounded fine to me.
- [Sarge] Think about it.
How do you answer the radio at our base?
- [Grif] Thank you for calling Red Base,
this is Private Grif, how
may I assist you today?
- [Sarge] And we've
drilled that since day one!
Simmons answered "Hi!".
That was my first clue.
- So maybe he's just-
- [Sarge] He also said the
radio was in disrepair.
When has Lopez ever let something go
without the proper maintenance?
- Never.
- And look at the time.
- [Grif] Can't, the clock's broken.
- [Sarge] It's 17:30, and
everybody knows that 17:30 is?
- [Grif] Donut's daily
wine and cheese hour!
- [Sarge] I didn't hear any
tinkling glasses, did you?
- [Grif] You're right.
- [Sarge] He also mentioned
that the weather was rainier.
- [Sarge] And as we all know,
Mount Rainier is the biggest
land mass in the state of?
Washington.
- We do?
Uh, I mean we do!
- [Sarge] How many Washingtons do we know?
- [Grif] Did he mean Agent Washington?
- [Sarge] And who's the
biggest mass we know
associated with Washington?
- The Meta!
- [Sarge] So, the Meta and
Washington have teamed up
to kill Donut and Lopez,
and now they're holding
Simmons and Doc prisoner.
- [Grif] We have to help, wait, Doc?
(stammers) How do you know he's there?
- [Sarge] Please, Grif, it's so obvious.
I don't wanna insult your intelligence
by explaining every little detail.
- [Grif] Oh, (stammers) okay.
- [Sarge] Come on,
we're going to Valhalla!
It's time for a rescue mission!
- [Grif] Rescue mission?
How the hell are we supposed
to fight Wash and the Meta?
- [Sarge] Don't worry, I have a plan.
How good are the seatbelts
in this new jeep?
- [Grif] Good, I guess.
- [Church] Valhalla, huh?
- [Grif] Wait, why?
(tense dramatic music)
- [Washington] Doc, what did
you find out in your scan
of the Meta?
- [Doc] Um, it's hard to say.
He's added so much non-standard
equipment to his armor
I can't really get a good reading on him.
- [Washington] I didn't ask you to run
an intelligence report on
him, I wanted a medical one.
- [Doc] His power systems are stressed
from trying to maintain it all.
- [Doc] Is he missing some
component that controls all this,
or-
- Physically.
Is he fine physically?
- [Doc] Yeah, I guess.
- [Washington] Good, next time,
answer the question I ask.
I'm watching you two. Give me
any trouble, and you're dead.
Don't believe me, ask your
buddy about his friend, Donut.
- [Doc] Hey, he does
realize that I'm the one
who scanned Donut's dead body, right?
- [Simmons] I think he
was just making a point.
Hey, I have an idea, give
me your scanner thing.
- [Doc] My scanner? Why? it
can't be used as a weapon.
- [Simmons] Maybe it can.
If I can overload the power cell,
you may be able it will be able to fire
an overcharged burst.
It could short out the Meta's
systems, either that or-
- [Doc] Or what?
- [Simmons] Huh, What,
no, no, no, no, no or,
just that, forget the or.
- [Doc] You were gonna
say explode, weren't you?
- [Simmons] No.
- [Doc] Were you thinking explode?
- [Simmons] Will you just
give me the damn scanner?
- [Sarge] Oh, Simmons!
Simmons, where are you?
Yoo-hoo!
(water flowing)
- [Washington] Looks
like just one of them.
- [Sarge] Yoo-hoo!
- [Washington] I don't know if he has it.
I can't see from this far.
- [Sarge] Simmons!
- [Washington] No you stay
here, guard these two.
I'll go out there.
If he gives me any trouble,
just kill the prisoners,
and come help me.
- [Doc] I hope your friend
doesn't give him any trouble.
- [Simmons] If he's one of my friends,
we don't stand a chance.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Yo, dudes!
Sarge!
Grif!
Where'd you go?
Oh, great.
- [Caboose] Um, hey, Tucker?
- [Tucker] Yeah, what's up, dude?
- [Caboose] Um, have you seen Church?
- [Tucker] No, I'm
looking for the red guys.
Looks like the fixed one
of the jeeps and took off.
- [Caboose] Oh, well that's not good.
- [Tucker] Maybe Church went with 'em,
maybe they took him, I don't know, dude.
- [Caboose] Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I don't think that would happen.
- [Tucker] What, how
the fuck would you know?
- [Caboose] 'Cause if he was gone,
I think some people who
have been looking for him
might be really mad that he's not here,
and we might have to
explain to those people
why he's not here,
and those people might
not like our explanation,
and those people might
hurt us with plasma guns
and plasma grenades.
- [Tucker] Oh, right.
- [Caboose] I mean the aliens.
- [Tucker] Yeah, I figured that out.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Maroon 1,
Maroon 1, where are you?
- [Washington] Great, this guy.
Freeze, stay where you are.
Turn around.
- [Sarge] Well, well, if
it isn't our good buddy,
Agent Washington.
And just what are you doing here?
- [Washington] Don't
play dumb with me, Sarge.
I think you know why I'm here.
- [Washington] Where's
the rest of your guys?
Where's Epsilon?
- [Sarge] Someplace safe.
- [Washington] You can either tell me,
or you can tell the Meta back at the base.
- [Sarge] The Meta is here?
- [Washington] Yes, and
he really wants a chance
to repay you guys for all
the trouble you caused him.
- [Sarge] I seemed to
recall you caused him
some of that trouble yourself.
- [Washington] Situation's
changed, now drop your weapons.
- [Sarge] Just so you know,
I'm gonna want that back in a minute.
- [Washington] I said, drop your weapons.
- All my weapons?
- Yes.
- [Sarge] Are you sure, maybe
I can just keep the pistol.
You know these things aren't
effective as they used to be.
- [Washington] Drop it, now!
- [Sarge] Well, that's what people say.
- [Washington] Good, now march.
- [Sarge] Son, you can
insult me, you can ambush me,
you can even take away my weapons,
but if you think I'm gonna
set one single pinky toe
inside a Blue Base without my shotgun,
you must not know who you're dealing with.
- [Washington] I said move.
- [Sarge] And I said "shotgun".
- [Washington] Yes, I have your shotgun.
- [Sarge] No, I mean shotgun.
- [Washington] What is this,
you think I'm gonna give you
your shotgun because you asked?
- [Sarge] I said shotgun!
Shotgun, dammit!
- [Grif] Oh, yeah, shotgun, that's my cue.
- [Washington] What,
wait, what are you up to?
What is that noise?
(car engine growling)
Do I hear a
(wall thudding)
car?
(tense dramatic music)
- [Grif] How does my
bumper taste, asshole?
Uh-oh!
(Washington grunting)
(Grif grunting)
(gunshots booming)
Yikes!
(gun cocking)
- [Sarge] See, told you I'd get it back.
(Washington thudding)
- [Grif] How 'bout next
time we use a code word,
we choose something you
don't say every five seconds?
- [Sarge] Just drive, numbnuts.
(car engine growling)
(Washington grunting)
- [Washington] What?
- [Sarge] Agent Wash.
- [Washington] Son of a bitch.
- You just got-
(explosion booming)
Goddammit, I messed up my one-liner!
- [Church] I guess they
came this way (hums).
- [Simmons] Okay, now's our chance Doc!
Hit him with an overcharge.
It should overload at
least one of his systems.
- [Doc] Um, you do it.
- [Simmons] What, me, I
don't even know how to fire
that thing!
- Just pull the trigger,
and let go, it's super easy.
- No, no, no,
you're trained with it,
you should do it, go!
- [Doc] What if I miss?
What if it doesn't do
anything but make him mad?
I already made him mad once,
and that didn't really work out very well.
- [Simmons] (stammers)
Well, then we'll just,
we'll improvise.
- Yeah,
I don't feel entirely
comfortable with that answer.
(explosion booming)
What the heck was that?
- [Simmons] Uh-oh, I
just have a bad feeling
that someone just caused him trouble.
- [Simmons] Oh no, improvise, improvise.
(Meta grunting)
(Meta buzzing)
(Meta beeping)
(Meta grunting)
(gun cocking)
- [Doc] Am I dead, am I dead?
- [Simmons] Doc, you did it!
- [Doc] He's frozen.
- [Simmons] No, it looks
like you overloaded
his time distortion unit.
You must have caused
some kind of inversion.
Instead of making everything
else slow, it made him slow.
- [Doc] Oh yeah, score
one for the pacifist!
How you like me now, Meta?
- [Simmons] Um, Doc, I
wouldn't get too close to him
if I were you.
- Why, what's he gonna do?
Beat me up over the course
of the next two weeks?
- [Simmons] Well, technically
he's not actually moving slower,
he's moving at the same speed
just over a longer period of time.
- Huh?
- It's relativistic.
His fist still travels
at the same velocity,
we just view it from a faster timeframe.
Therefore it looks slowed
down, but theoretically,
it should still carry the same force.
- [Doc] Nah, see, it's moving slower!
(tense dramatic music)
(helmet dinging)
(Doc screaming)
Ow.
- [Simmons] See? That's
what you get for arguing
with science, stupid bitch.
- [Doc] Simmons, get me out of this wall.
- [Simmons] Hm, how do I do this?
What the fuck (grunts)?
- [Doc] You're not keep
pulling from my center.
- [Simmons] From the center,
what the fuck is the center?
- [Doc] Get down, and pull from my groin.
(Simmons grunting)
Let go, stop pushing at my head, hey.
It feels like you're saving your strength.
Don't save your strength.
Hurry, Simmons, I think that
big guy's speeding back up!
- [Simmons] Oh, shit, um-
- [Sarge] Simmons, where
are you, come out here!
- [Simmons] I'm here,
hold on just a second!
Doc, it looks like I can't get you out.
- [Doc] Yes you can!
(stammers) You can, you
haven't really tried yet!
- [Simmons] I know, you're right,
I should think about the mission.
- [Doc] What, no, no, no,
no, this is a rescue mission.
I'm part of the mission.
- [Simmons] It's a noble
sacrifice you're making here.
- [Doc] No, no, I'm not
sacrificing, I'm not noble at all.
Listen to me, (stammers)
I don't want you to go.
I don't want you to go!
- I'll always remember you,
bye!
- Start by remembering me
right now!
Simmons!
(Meta growling)
- [Sarge] Hurry it up!
(Simmons screaming)
(gunshots booming)
- [Simmons] Huh (screams)?
- [Sarge] Simmons, stop
showing off and get in already!
- [Simmons] This isn't on purpose!
No, wait, wait, wait!
Guys, guys, just slow
down a little (gurgles).
- [Sarge] What did he say?
(Meta growling)
Grif, incoming!
- [Grif] Don't worry, we'll
just do what we did last time.
(car thudding)
(glass shattering)
- [Simmons] Oh shit!
(gunshots booming)
I'm scared to hold on,
but I'm scared to let go!
- [Grif] Look out!
(Sarge grunting)
(flame whooshing)
(Grif grunting)
- [Sarge] That was the
worst driving of all time.
- [Grif] Because that wasn't driving,
that was flying and burning!
- [Sarge] Touche.
- [Simmons] (stammers)
What happened, where am I?
- [Sarge] Get ready, men,
remember, he can't kill all of us.
- [Grif] Why can't he kill all of us?
- [Sarge] Hm, That is a good point.
- [Simmons] What, hey, I'm okay!
- [Sarge] Get ready.
- [Grif] This is not going to be good.
- [Church] Hey guys, what's going on?
Man, your jeep got fucked up!
Who's the big dude, what's up, Gigantor?
(Meta sneering)
Whoa!
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
- [Grif] What are you doing here?
- [Sarge] Who cares, just
lead him out of here!
- [Church] Hey ho, where?
- [Sarge] Anywhere that's not here.
- [Church] Hey come
on, big boy, follow me!
Look how shiny I am, woo hoo!
- Come on!
- [Simmons] What the fuck
was that floating thing?
- [Grif] We'll explain later, run!
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] Come on big boy, come this way.
Wait a minute, I know this place.
Hello?
Somebody in there?
(Meta sneering)
Oh, shit!
You scared the crap out of me.
- [Sarge] Quick, everyone,
through the hole.
Just sayin' that makes me miss Donut.
- [Grif] What're we gonna
do, we can't outrun him,
and our Jeep is destroyed.
- [Sarge] We have to seal the opening.
- [Simmons] Do we have any grenades?
- [Sarge] Negative, we
need a plan of action.
- [Church] Hey I know
he's a friend of yours,
but I gotta tell you, that
guy with the shiny head
is kind of an asshole.
- [Simmons] Well if you're
here, then where's the.
Oh no, there's the Meta!
(Meta sneering)
Come on we have to hurry!
- [Grif] I have an idea.
Hey, you, dipshit!
- You talkin' to me?
- Yeah, you,
This is all your fault
you stupid piece of junk.
You got us in this mess.
- [Church] Me? It was your
friend we had to rescue.
- [Grif] Ah bullshit, now
the Meta's coming up here,
and he's gonna kill all
of us, starting with you.
- [Sarge] What are you doing?
- [Church] I wasn't even
looking for you guys,
I was trying to find-
- [Sarge] Oh, I get it.
Can it, you overgrown ornament!
- [Church] Oh, now you wanna start?
- [Grif] Hey, I'm not done
with you yet, ball bearing.
- [Church] That's rude.
- [Sarge] Your mother takes
it in the exhaust port!
- [Grif] Come on, Simmons, help us.
- [Simmons] I don't even
know what you're doing.
- [Sarge] Your mother gets
paddled like a pinball!
- [Church] Hey, let's
leave mothers outta this!
- [Grif] We're trying to
increase the stress level.
- [Sarge] We need some insults!
- [Simmons] Um, okay.
Grif, you're so fat you broke
your arm and gravy came out.
Sarge, I find a lot of
your tactical decisions
to be questionable if
not downright mediocre.
- [Sarge] Not insults
for us, Simmons, for him!
- [Simmons] I don't understand
the rules of your stupid game
I just got here!
- [Church] Ah, you guys are idiots.
- [Grif] This isn't working,
we need something to
make him mad, really mad.
- [Simmons] Has he seen the last episode
of "The Sopranos" yet?
(Meta sneering)
- [Church] Uh oh, look out,
it's the big guy, and there's.
- [Washington] Get them, Meta, get them!
- [Church] Washington!!!
(laser booming)
- [Church] What, no, open it up!
Open it up, I have to go back!
- [Sarge] Go back, son, are you crazy?
After what we just went
through to get outta there?
- [Church] No, he'll find her!
Don't you understand, I can't
let them get to her first.
(metal clanking)
- Wow,
I guess he ran out of juice.
- [Sarge] He's had a hard day.
Let him sleep it off, load
him up, let's hit the road.
- [Simmons] So, what is this
thing, like some kind of pet?
- [Grif] Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Come on, I'll fill you in.
(Meta sneering)
- [Washington] Don't worry,
we'll find them again.
We just need some leads, and
I know exactly who to ask.
- [Doc] Hey guys, a little help here.
Hello?
Assholes.
(uptempo dramatic music)
(aliens growling)
- [Caboose] Get away, bad aliens!
Shoo aliens, shoo!
Rolled up newspaper!
- [Tucker] Maybe you should
have thought about that
before you lost their all powerful deity.
- [Caboose] I didn't lose him, he left!
Or maybe he lost himself,
or maybe the reds took him!
I don't, ow, stop that!
- [Tucker] Well, until the reds come back,
they need somebody to blame,
it's better you than me, man.
- [Caboose] Tucker, help me!
- [Tucker] Yeah dude, I don't know.
I don't really wanna get
in between an angry mob
and their religious iconography,
and I should know, I used
to date an Italian girl.
- [Caboose] But he's not
really a god, it's all made up!
You know that.
(aliens grunting)
- [Tucker] Whoa, dude, I don't know shit.
That sounds like straight up blasphemy.
Are you guys gonna put up with this shit?
(alien grunting)
I know, dude,
that's what I'm saying.
Took the blarg right out of my mouth.
- [Caboose] Tucker,
they're going to eat me!
- [Tucker] Caboose, shut the fuck up,
they're not gonna eat you,
they're just gonna
persecute you and kill you,
stop being such a baby.
- [Caboose] Look! The reds, they're back,
and they have your worshippy guy!
- [Tucker] What, Sarge?
- [Sarge] Hey blue, we're
back, got Simmons too.
Where's the water can?
Oh, also, you got any more
spare jeeps around here?
I don't wanna get into it,
but we've identified a tactical weakness
in the hood of the current models.
So uh, what are you guys
doin', killin' Caboose?
That's cool.
- There he is!
He is the one who took Church!
Get him.
(aliens grunting)
(Sarge grunting)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] How's floaty McGee?
- [Simmons] Hey, you know.
Same old, still not working.
- [Grif] Is he dead?
- [Simmons] How the fuck would I know?
And even if he was, would
it make a difference
with this guy?
- [Grif] Meh, probably not.
- [Simmons] And now he's
got sand all in his ports.
How am I supposed to fix him
in an environment like this?
- [Grif] Sounds like you
have sand in your ports.
- [Simmons] Why do we even come
here, it's a fucking desert!
- [Grif] I don't know,
this is where we were
before we came to get you,
and where else can we go anyway?
There's bad guys at our base,
and Sarge never wants us
to get far from the blues.
I don't know if you've
noticed this, Simmons,
but he's a little obsessed.
He still wants us to get
'em back in the database,
so we can kill 'em.
How's that going by the way, any progress?
- [Simmons] Progress?
- [Grif] It's your project.
- [Simmons] I was held captive!
- [Grif] Whatever, dude.
If Sarge takes that as an excuse
for not getting work done,
let me know, I'll get
captured all the time.
- [Sarge] Nope, they're right
around this corner up here!
Grif and Simmons!
Right up here where we're walking!
- [Grif] Uh oh, here he comes,
you're about to get busted!
- [Sarge] And you'll see when
we get around this corner
up here, we don't have any
kind of floating device!
No balls or spheres or anything!
- [Simmons] Who's he talking to?
- [Sarge] You'll see, big group of aliens!
We don't have anything like that at all!
- [Grif] What, uh oh.
- [Church] What, where am I?
- [Grif] (hushes) Dude, shut up, be quiet!
- No, what-
- Shut your hole!
- [Church] What's happening,
how did I get here?
- Oh, shit.
- Don't do it you fucker!
- [Simmons] What the, what are you doing?!
- [Grif] Shut up, man, be cool.
- [Simmons] Be cool?
(aliens grunting)
Whoa!
I mean, what's the 411, daddios?
Me and my homie were just
hanging all up in here.
Deserts feel, it's all good.
You know what I'm sayin' Skrillas?
- [Grif] What the fuck are you doing?
- [Simmons] You told me to be cool!
- [Grif] Right, so what
the fuck are you doing?
- [Sarge] As you can see,
we don't have your stupid rolley balogna!
It's just this yellow guy,
and MC Fonzarillo over here.
- [Simmons] Whatevs
y'all, you don't know me.
- [Tucker] Ah ha ha, I gotcha.
See, I knew they would have it.
- [Caboose] Uh,. I don't see him.
Oh my god, he's invisible!
- [Tucker] All right,
reds, what did you do with-
- [Sarge] Book it, quadruple time!
- [Tucker] It, dammit, I
should have seen that coming.
- [Tucker] Well, Caboose, I
guess we're on our own, dammit.
(aliens grunting)
- [Tucker] All right,
I'll just go get up on top
of the pillar.
(alarm blaring)
- [Grif] Uh oh.
- [Sarge] Grif, what are you stopping for?
Ah nuts.
- [Simmons] What, there he is!
- [Caboose] Oh no, he
landed in the middle of the,
uh, of the, of the there.
The, uh, the over there.
- [Simmons] So, lets get him.
- [Grif] Yeah, tell you what, Simmons,
why don't you go get him.
- [Sarge] We'll secure the
area here while you retrieve!
- [Simmons] (Sighs) Okay,
I don't have time for this.
(Explosion booming)
Ow!
You knew, didn't you?
- [Caboose] Yeah, kinda.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] All right, Doc,
I wanna ask you a few questions.
- [Doc] Where'd the Red
guys go, did they get away?
- [Washington] Quiet, I'm
asking you the questions,
you're not asking me.
- What kind of questions?
- [Washington] Hey, I
just said, no questions!
- Can I ask questions later?
- Doc!
- [Doc] What, oh, that's a
question, sorry, go ahead.
- [Washington] You know
what, get him out of there.
I can't talk to him like this.
(Meta snarling)
- [Doc] What're you, stop it!
- [Washington] What, well,
try pulling harder, then.
- [Doc] Be gentle, be gentle!
- [Washington] Grab lower,
near the center of gravity.
- [Doc] You've got cold hands!
- [Washington] Try the codpiece.
(Meta snarling)
Oh, we're all adults here.
(Meta snarling)
No, I don't wanna try!
- Don't repress your feelings!
- [Washington] I can't
interrogate him like this,
it's ridiculous.
I can't believe I have to deal with this.
What are we gonna do?
(Meta snarling)
(rope clanking)
(rope whooshing)
(hook clanking)
Hm, that might work.
(uptempo dramatic music)
(Sarge laughing)
- [Sarge] Seems like all
the kicking and blowing up
put some life back in the
little guy, that's adorable.
- [Grif] Why are all his blue parts green?
- I don't know.
- Caboose, is that you?
- Delta?
- Caboose,
I need you to listen, my time is brief.
Epsilon is not in control right now.
But he will be again, shortly.
- Great!
- [Delta] Perhaps not, the
encounter with Agent Washington
has jarred loose many of his memories.
Epsilon has not, historically,
coped with these memories well.
- [Grif] What does mean?
- [Delta] We fear he may
pursue certain memories
in particular.
- Who is we?
- [Delta] Myself, and the other memories
of the Alpha fragments.
- [Grif] What the fuck is that?
Who the fuck are you, and
what the fuck is happening?
- [Delta] Epsilon may not
yet be aware of our presence,
but eventually, he will
be, we cannot hide forever.
- [Delta] It is likely, at this point,
he will begin the cycle
again, that must not happen.
- [Caboose] What cycle,
(gasps) a motorcycle?
A secret motorcycle?
It's okay, you can tell me.
- [Delta] He's begun to
search his memories now.
He's clearly looking for something.
- [Caboose] Well, you always
did say "Memory is the key".
- [Delta] Memory is the key, Caboose,
but not everything that is
locked is meant to be unlocked.
He is coming back now, I must
leave before he discovers me.
- [Caboose] But if he meets you in there,
then you can be friends,
but not best friends,
but, you know, 'cause that job's taken,
but, you know maybe acquaintances?
- [Delta] If only I were the
memory that he's looking for.
- [Church] What, uh, oh.
Hey, I must've,
must've passed out, sorry about that.
- [Caboose] Church, you're back!
- [Church] Yeah, I am.
Hey, Caboose, come over here, would you,
I need to talk to you about something.
- [Caboose] Okay, where are we going?
- [Simmons] Hey, guys, do you
ever notice Blue team has,
like, a lot more stuff going on than us?
- [Sarge] Yeah, boring stuff.
- [Grif] Nerdy stuff.
- [Simmons] Yeah, but I
mean all we ever talk about
is food and guns.
- That reminds me, I'm hungry.
- [Sarge] Stop complaining,
or I'll shoot you in the head.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Good times.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Stay away, don't touch me!
- [Church] Hey, uh, Caboose,
you were the one who moved me
from the Epsilon unit
to this new body, right?
- [Caboose] Oh, yeah, I'm
really good at ergonomics.
- [Church] Uh, do you mean electronics?
- [Caboose] Yeah, probably.
- [Church] Okay, good, then
I need you to come with me.
I just remembered something,
something that could help me.
- [Caboose] Sure.
- [Church] You don't
wanna know the details?
- Nope.
- It could be dangerous.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I have armor, it's blue.
- [Church] All right, well, let's go then.
I actually thought it would
take longer to convince you.
- [Church] Come on, I
wanna get to the facility
before nightfall.
- [Caboose] Ah, you wanna
bring the Epsilon unit?
- [Church] Is it necessary
to do your thing?
- [Caboose] Don't think so.
- [Church] Then who cares, leave it.
Where we're going, we won't need it.
- [Doc] Um, are you
sure that's a good idea?
Oh no.
- All right, give it a crank!
(crank whooshing)
- [Washington] More power,
come mon, give it some gas!
(crank whooshing)
Almost there, just a little more.
- [Doc] I don't think it's working.
Ow!
- [Washington] Well, that's just great.
Come on, can't you get him out of there?
He's just stuck in a few rocks.
(Meta snarling)
Why can't anything ever be easy?
Doc, I want you to tell
me everything you know
about the Reds and Blues.
- [Doc] You know more
than me, I just got here.
- [Washington] Hit him.
- [Doc] Ow!
- [Washington] You
worked with them before.
Do they have any hideouts,
anywhere they go when they're in trouble?
- [Doc] I don't know.
- [Washington] Hit him again.
- [Doc] Ow!
- [Washington] Did Simmons
say where Sarge and Grif were?
You can either answer me, or
I can have the Meta beat it
out of you, or I can beat it out of you.
I think I've earned it
- [Doc] Man, you guys are really awful
at the good-cop-bad-cop thing.
You're like bad cop, even-worse cop.
- [Washington] Tell you what, Meta,
let's just shoot him in the chest.
See if we can pull the audio
logs out of his helmet.
- [Doc] Uh, he said something
about a distress call!
- [Washington] Hit him again.
- [Doc] And sand, he, he mentioned sand.
- [Washington] Sand.
- [Church] All right, well, let's go then.
I actually thought it would
take longer to convince you.
Come on, I wanna get to the
facility before nightfall.
- [Sarge] Facility, hey?
I knew the Blues were up to somethin'.
Come on, men, let's get after those Blues!
Sounds like this is the big opportunity
we've been waiting for!
- [Grif] You mean our
opportunity to find a place
to hole up until this all blows over?
- [Simmons] Some place
that isn't a desert?
- [Sarge] No, a place to
finally restore the Blues
to Command's database.
Get your typin' fingers ready, Simmons.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Okay,
I'll bring my carpal tunnel braces.
- [Sarge] If we're goin' to follow them,
we'll need a vehicle.
- [Grif] I'm sure we can grab another one
from the camp down there.
- [Simmons] Why do we need a
vehicle, the Blues are walking.
I'm sure we can keep up
with them on foot on foot.
- [Grif] On foot?!
- [Sarge] Uh, Simmons?
We're the Reds, we don't walk anywhere.
We travel as the Good Lord intended!
In the largest possible vehicle,
with the maximum horsepower
allowed by local law enforcement!
And if there's no cars available,
we find the biggest, nastiest,
meanest land animal we possibly can,
beat the crap out of it,
and saddle that puppy up.
- [Grif] "On foot," shame on you, Simmons,
shame on you.
- [Simmons] Sorry.
- [Sarge] Let's just forget
you ever mentioned it.
- [Grif] I think this should
go in his permanent record.
- [Simmons] Oh, just go get
the fuckin' jeep, jackass.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Tucker] Hey, where
are you guys going, wait!
Ah, dammit!
(aliens grunting)
Hey, guys, listen.
I know you want your super
cool piece of technology back.
Those guys just took off
probably to look for it.
If you let me go, I can
track it down for you,
and bring it back.
No? Okay then forget it.
Oh my god, look, a next-gen smartphone!
Someone just leave that laying around?
(car engine growling) *
Fooled by the old
prototype trick, classic.
(aliens grunting)
Well, see ya, bitches, I'm out of here.
What the, out of gas?
Hey, uh, you guys have any gas?
(guns cocking)
You know what, fuck
it, I'm just gonna run.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] All right, I think this is it.
- [Caboose] This, this
doesn't look like anything.
- [Church] Yeah, it's not supposed to.
That's kind of the idea.
Come on, this way.
- Man,
you really need to clean this place up.
- Caboose!
- Coming!
- [Church] Come on, oh yeah
here we go, it's this way.
- [Caboose] My this way or your this way?
- [Church] There is no,
it's the same this way.
Okay, yeah, this is it, I think.
- [Caboose] It's a wall.
We came all this way for a wall?
- [Church] Caboose!
- [Caboose] Sorry.
It's a really great wall.
- [FILSS] Hello, this
is a private facility.
Visitors are not welcome.
Please leave immediately,
or we will be forced
to take lethal measures
to ensure the safety of our property.
- [Caboose] Not as great.
- [FILSS] You have 30
seconds to comply or die.
Have a nice day.
- [Caboose] Sheila, is that you?
- [FILSS] No, I am the
Freelancer Integrated Logistics
and Security System.
You may call me FILSS.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
You now have 15 seconds to live.
- [Church] Whoa, dying
sounds like a bad idea.
Maybe we should leave.
- [FILSS] Oh my, the
Director, I am so sorry.
I did not recognize you, Sir.
It has been such a long
time since you have visited.
You look very different.
- [Church] Talkin' to me?
- [FILSS] Yes, you are the
Director of Project Freelancer,
are you not?
- [Church] Oh, uh, yeah.
Of course that's totally me.
I just haven't been around
because I've been doing,
you know, director stuff.
Can't really get into it, secret project.
- [FILSS] How may I assist you today?
- [Church] Can we, uh, Can we come in?
- [FILSS] Certainly.
(wall scraping)
Please watch your step.
- [Caboose] Kind of spooky in there.
- [Church] Yeah, why don't you go first.
- Me?
- Well, I mean,
you're the one with
the gun and everything.
- [Caboose] Yeah, but the
tree seemed to like you best.
Um, hey, Sheila, could you-
- Are you speaking to me?
- [Church] We're just kind
of used to calling you
by that name, um,
maybe you should just answer
him when he calls you that.
Probably easier for you to
change than it is for him.
He's kind of dumb.
- [FILSS] All right, I will
respond to that name as well.
You are the Director after all.
- [Church] Right, I am.
- [FILSS] Director, since
you have a new visitor
with you today.
Would you like me to run
the tutorial program?
- [Caboose] Yes, always run that.
No, seriously, you need to run that.
No, it's, really you need
to, you need to turn that-
- [Church] Yeah okay shut up, dude.
Yes, please run the tutorial program.
- [Caboose] Oh, thank god.
- [FILSS] Hello, and welcome
to the freelancer
off-site storage facility.
Project Freelancer is a
state-of-the-art scientific endeavor
with one goal in mind,
to ensure the security of humanity
in a harsh and violent galaxy.
This is bunker has been
constructed to guarantee
the continued operations of our program
in the event of a primary facility loss.
This storage area archives
all the components
of our freelancer simulation bases.
These outposts test our agents
in realistic training scenarios.
- [Caboose] Yeah, we're on the Blue Team!
- [FILSS] I am sorry, I do
not recognize that term.
Our simulation outposts are categorized
into red and entry missing.
Hmm, it seems as though I
have a corrupted database.
I will correct that when I have more time.
- [Caboose] (stammers) There's all stuff,
and there's the teleporter.
Man, Tucker hates those.
- [Church] Don't interrupt.
- [FILSS] When the
equipment is not being used.
it is stored here
- Come on, this way.
- [FILSS] until it can be re-purposed for.
Oh, I guess we are moving on.
(tense ominous music)
(Epsilon whirring)
- [Caboose] Oh, what's this?
- [FILSS] I am sorry,
this area is restricted.
Only the Director himself
may access this entry.
I am sure you understand.
The nature of our
experiments is such that-
- Open it.
- Excuse me, Director?
- [Church] I want you to open it.
- [FILSS] Are you certain, Director?
You never bring visitors in to this-
- [Church] I said open it.
- [FILSS] All right, unlocking.
Would you like me to archive
your personal project?
- [Church] No.
Let's see everything.
- [FILSS] If you say so, Director.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Simmons,
what's the status report?
- [Simmons] Gumball McJones
and Caboose just went into
that door.
- [Grif] What door, all I see is a wall.
- [Simmons] It's a secret door.
- [Sarge] Simmons, what did I tell you
about using Dungeons & Dragons references
in combat situations?
- [Simmons] (sighs) Sorry,
sir. It's a concealed door.
- That's better.
- How did they open it?
- [Simmons] They talked to that computer.
They got it to open the
door by posing as members
of Project Freelancer.
If we pose as agents, it'll
probably let us in too.
- [Grif] Aren't agents, like,
tough and good at things?
- [Simmons] We all just pick a state name,
and call ourselves by that.
You know, like, Agent Washington.
Grif, name a state.
- What is this, a pop quiz?
Uh, let's see, Manhattan.
No?
Uh, Europe.
- Wow, really?
- Pacific Ocean?
- [Simmons] Stop guessing,
just be Agent Alaska.
How 'bout you, Sarge?
- [Sarge] I'll be Secret
Agent Double Ohio.
License to be tall in the
middle and round on both ends.
- [Simmons] And I'll be Agent Denial.
(laughs) Get it, because a state
of denial, like the saying?
You know, it's like uh.
I was, you know, the
whole state-state thing.
You know it's a joke.
- [Grif] No, dude, jokes are funny.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Let's just go
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] The
recovery beacon leads here.
It's weak, but I can still pick it up.
(footsteps thudding)
Here.
Meta, dig.
(Meta growling)
Hey,
I'm not gonna argue with you about this.
You want a chance at that
AI, I track, you dig.
Otherwise, you can wander
the desert by yourself,
and see if you find him on your own.
(Meta hissing)
Because I found the signal.
You dig, we all have
to pull our own weight.
(Meta snarling)
Right, and other people's weight too.
Just dig.
(footsteps thudding)
- [Doc] Man, some people
just can't take orders.
Am I right?
- Shut up, we're not friends.
- [Doc] Can I at least
get a drink of water?
- [Washington] Shut up.
I already asked you if you
were thirsty before we left.
- [Doc] Yeah, we're in the desert.
Thirsty should be assumed.
- [Washington] You can drink later.
- [Doc] Yeah, this might
be a bad time to tell you
that I'm sinking then.
- [Washington] I hate you.
- [Doc] I know.
(Meta snarling)
- [Doc] Hey, what are you
guys doing over there?
- [Washington] What the.
Is that CT?
That's impossible, what's
she doing out here?
- [Doc] What are you lookin' at?
- [Washington] Don't bother,
she didn't get an AI remember?
- [Doc] Guy in front.
- [Washington] Scavenge her for equipment.
See what you can find.
(aliens grunting)
- [Doc] Well, this is just fuckin' great.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Caboose] Oh my god,
look at all the yous!
You're everywhere, why this
is like a best friend store.
Hey, this is the greatest store ever!
You can have your body back!
Which one do you want?
I wanna buy one.
- [Church] I'm not looking for
that, I'm looking for this.
- Oh.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Washington] All right, Meta, get ready.
Fire!
(explosion booming)
Huh, that actually seemed to work.
- [Doc] Ow.
- [Washington] Doc, how do you feel?
- [Doc] Okay, I guess,
all things considered.
Hey, does anybody know where
we could find a good medic?
- [Washington] I don't
get paid enough for this.
- [Doc] Jeez, tough room.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] I told you that
stupid plan wouldn't work.
- [Simmons] That's
because you said your name
was Agent Pluto!
- [Sarge] (laughs) Luckily we
had the old contingency plan
to fall back on.
- [Grif] Sarge, a shotgun to the face
is not a contingency plan.
I keep telling you that.
- [FILSS] This is a private facility.
Hello, this is a private facility.
- [Sarge] Don't be so
quick to judge, Grif.
Shotgun in the face can be applied
in a variety of tough situations.
For instance, watch how quickly
it cures insubordination.
- Oh no!
(glass shattering)
- [Simmons] What was that?
- [Sarge] It came from down here, come on.
(uptempo dramatic music)
(aliens grunting)
- [Washington] I don't like this.
- [Doc] Look, I talked to them.
They're gonna draw us a map
and show us where Epsilon went.
After that you can let me go.
- [Washington] You sure
that's what he's doing?
- [Doc] Well, my Alien to
English is a little rusty.
I would suggest we get one
of those translator balls,
but we got enough jerks
around here already.
- [Washington] I agree, we
should just kill most of them.
The last one left alive will talk.
- [Doc] Wash, you just can't
kill everybody you meet.
- [Washington] Why not?
- [Doc] Uh.
Well now you're puttin' me on the spot.
I don't really have an answer for that.
Just seems like a bad idea, though.
Karma?
(alien grunting)
Hey, he's done drawing the map.
(aliens grunting)
- [Doc] What does it say?
What does it say?
- [Washington] It says peace
talks have broken down.
Now we do it our way.
(Meta growling)
(explosion booming)
- [Doc] whoa!
- [Church] Just hold still, no, no, no!
- [FILSS] I sense things
are not going well.
- [Caboose] Yes, please
just keep the door shut,
thank you, that's fine.
- [FILSS] I am sorry, but if
the Director requests the door
to be opened I am required to comply.
- [Caboose] Just keep the door shut.
- [Grif] Caboose, is that you?
- [Church] Stop, don't
move, don't move, don't.
(glass shattering)
Ugh.
- [Caboose] Oh, oh, hello, everyone.
- Stop!
- Yes,
everyone who wasn't here
before is now here now.
(glass shattering)
Hello.
- [Sarge] What are you up to, Blue?
- [Caboose] Me, oh, nothing.
I'm not hiding anything behind this door.
- [Church] Uh, I wouldn't pick
that up it looks expensive!
- [Simmons] Uh, I think he's lying.
- [Grif] What was your first clue?
- [Sarge] Let us see what's in there.
- [Caboose] In here,
oh, nothing is in here.
But this probably isn't
even a door either.
It's probably.
(object banging)
- [Sarge] What the heck was that?
- [Caboose] Oh, that was me.
I said this isn't a
door, I said it's a gong.
- [Grif] A gong, what the hell is a.
(object thudding)
- Oh. Gong.
I'm just going to walk over this way now.
Excuse me, yes, thank you
(object thudding)
Pardon me coming through.
Yes, excuse me, yes, pardon me
Excuse me, yes, thank you,
pardon me, coming through
Yes, excuse me, yes, pardon me.
(object thudding)
- [Grif] Um, Sarge, what's the plan here?
- [Sarge] Men, we have a
perfect ambush scenario.
- [Simmons] I agree.
Unless, wait, are we the
ambushers, or the ambushees?
Hey, can you ambush something
that's trying to beat its way
through metal plating to get to you?
- [Sarge] Okay, first, we just
wait for the door to open,
(glass shattering)
(door thudding)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] Door's open.
- [Sarge] What the, uh oh.
- [Tex] Okay.
So, who's first?
- [FILSS] Alarm, security
breached, level alpha.
All personnel report for
duty, this is not a drill.
- Run!
- Oh crap where is she?
- [Simmons] I don't wanna die!
- [Caboose] Sheila, we have to help them.
- [FILSS] Help who?
- [Caboose] The Reds!
Tex is attacking them,
we have to stop her.
- [FILSS] Stop Agent Texas,
oh no, absolutely not.
We should never interfere
with an ongoing battlefield
simulation test.
Our job is to observe and document.
- [Caboose] But she'll kill them!
- [FILSS] Oh that would be wonderful!
What a successful test!
- [Sarge] We need to keep moving, men!
Come on, double time!
Hell, I'd settle for single time.
- [Simmons] Maybe we should just fight.
I'm afraid she's gonna start
picking us off one by one!
Ow!
(gunshot booming)
(both grunting)
(metal clanking)
(barrels thudding)
Oh man, forget this, I need
to get a bigger weapon.
(footsteps thudding)
(tense dramatic music)
Caboose, help us!
- [Caboose] How, that
computer won't let me!
She's mean!
This place is filled with mean ladies!
- [Simmons] Push some
buttons, I don't know!
- [Caboose] Buttons,
oh man, I love buttons!
Beep, bop, boop, boop, bop, boop.
- [Simmons] Wow, that actually
worked perfectly, thanks.
- [Caboose] Great, how
the heck did I do that?
- [Grif] Ow!
- [Tucker] Hey Simmons, what
the hell is going on in there?
- [Simmons] Gotta help us!
Do you know how to use that thing?
- [Tucker] My sword, fuck
yeah I know how to use it.
What's to understand
about swish, swish, stab?
It's a fuckin' sword dude,
it's not a fighter jet.
- [Simmons] Just come help me.
(gunshots booming)
(fists thudding)
(Grif grunting)
- [Grif] Wait, wait, wait!
(Grif sobbing)
- [Tucker] Hey sweet cheeks!
Remember me?
Step away from the idiot!
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Simmons] Oh god, please
don't let her see me!
(container thudding)
- Huh?
- [Caboose] Yes, I saved Tucker!
Oh wait, I saved Tucker.
- [Tucker] Caboose, what are you doing?!
- [Tucker] You're messing
up my plan with Simmons!
I was supposed to distract her for him.
- [Simmons] You ratted
me out you son of bitch!
(explosion booming)
Oh shit!
(portal whooshing)
Oh shit!
- [Tucker] That was awesome, ow!
- [Caboose] Um, can we use turrets on her?
Or, some explodey fiery things?
- [FILSS] That would be outside the bounds
of my standard safety protocols.
I cannot do that.
- [Grif] What do we do, Sarge?
- [Sarge] I don't know, I've
never hit a girl in my life!
- [Simmons] Yeah, I noticed, try harder!
(footsteps thudding)
(uptempo dramatic music)
(footsteps thudding)
- [Simmons] What the fuck.
- [Grif] Ow.
- [Simmons] Oh no, Grif!
- [Sarge] Private Grif, you
should be ashamed of yourself,
we've run out of ammo again!
That's your responsibility!
- [Grif] Huh, I guess this
is the first time my laziness
has ever saved my life!
Protect me, cone!
- Watch it!
- You watch it!
- [Sarge] You idiots, let
me show you how it's done.
(fist thudding)
(Sarge grunting)
- [Grif] Nice demonstration, Sarge.
- [Sarge] Ah shut up.
- [Simmons] Hey guys, look up there!
- [Tucker] Ugh, what?
Hey Caboose, remember when
I said not to help me?
Forget that, I need you
to help me right now!
- [Caboose] What holds up that crate?
- [FILSS] Mechanical
controls are on the left side
of the console.
(container whooshing)
(container thudding)
- [Tucker] I can't believe that worked!
Oh fuck, that didn't work.
- [FILSS] I knew that would not work.
Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
(container whooshing)
- I gotta get outta here!
- We'll be crushed!
- [Tucker] Don't worry guys, I got this.
Swish!
- Uh-oh.
- [Simmons] Ow!
- [Grif] We were crushed.
- [Tucker] Oh fuckberries, Tex, can you.
All right, you know what?
That's it, come here.
- [Simmons] Oh thank God,
I thought I was a goner.
Sarge, where are you?
- (mumbles) Here
What happened?
I feel defeated, yet
inexplicably rejuvenated!
- [Tucker] Swish, fuck!
Swoosh, ah!
(Tex grunting)
Stab, goddammit, stop!
(bones crunching)
Oh come on.
Ah, that's bullshit, oh whoa!
- [Grif] whoa, did you see that?
- [Simmons] How would I have missed that?
( Tucker grunting)
- [Tucker] What's the matter, Tex?
You having trouble keeping it up?
Don't worry, it happens to everybody.
Well not me but.
- [Sarge] That rocket launcher
is one of the older models,
right?
- Yeah.
- [Sarge] That means
it's got heat-seeking!
Now lock-on and let her rip.
- [Simmons] Oh, right,
I forgot about that.
- [Tucker] Holy crap, you
cannot do this, bitch!
(Tucker thudding)
(Tucker coughing)
Dammit, I hate this black
stuff! What the hell is it?
- [Grif] There she is!
- Huh?
- Get her!
- Wait, guys!
- Ow, fuck!
I'm not Tex, I'm a Blue, but
not the Blue you're fighting!
Leave me the fuck alone!
- Kicking's hard!
- [Tucker] Why are you
hitting me, I'm not Tex!
- [Simmons] Sarge, hold on, hold on!
I think that's Tucker, not Tex.
- [Tucker] See I told
you, ow, hey, you fucker!
Why'd you do that?
- Force of habit.
- [Tucker] Man you guys are ah!
- Hey, watch it!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Grif] Don't fall in the.
Hold still, hold still, I can see her
- [Grif] She's right
over there by the other-
Uh-oh.
- Grif, I see her.
(fist thudding)
- [Grif] What is your
problem with my balls?
- [Tucker] Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh crap.
(portal whooshing)
Oh!
(Tucker thudding)
Oh wow, right to the mount, huh?
Oh, not even gonna buy me dinner?
Oh, I like your style!
- [Sarge] Simmons, what
are you waiting for?
- [Simmons] They look the
same, which one do I shoot?
- [Tucker] Ow, shoot the
one who's winning, dumbass!
- Ow.
- Grif, watch it!
(all thudding)
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Wow, knocked
the black right off of ya.
- That's racist.
- You're all clear Simmons.
Now shoot her!
- Fire in the hole!
(portal whooshing)
(missile whooshing)
- [Tucker] Are you fucking kidding me?
Run!
- Oh god.
(all thudding)
Huh, oh god, not like this.
oh thank god, I thought I was-
Fuck!
(explosion booming)
- [Simmons] Grif!
(explosions booming)
(all screaming)
(all grunting)
(block scratching)
- [Grif] (screams) Ow, why
won't you just kill me?
- [Church] Hey Tex.
(metal clanking)
How about you pick on
somebody your own size.
Stop it, Tex, you are embarrassing me.
Ow, stop!
Ah, hey, are you guys gonna.
Ow, are you gonna help me or not?
Stop it!
- Nah buddy,
I think you got everything under control.
We'll just hang back here.
- [Grif] Yeah, you've got
some catching up to do.
- [Sarge] Hey, whats she beating him with?
- [Simmons] I think that was his old body.
- [Sarge] You mean he aint
a floating cue ball anymore?
That's too bad, had a few more
nicknames in my side pocket.
We'll certainly miss you lord hack 'n sack
of the the round-a-lots.
- [Grif] Beating him with his own body?
That doesn't seem physically possible.
- [Caboose] Uh, we have to do something!
- [FILSS] I am sorry, as I said,
I cannot operate outside the bounds
of my standard safety protocols.
- [Caboose] What if I said pretty please?
- [FILSS] Private
Caboose, is there a reason
why you don't want to use one
of the standard safety protocols?
In this scenario, I would
strongly recommend locking down
the armor of any rogue units.
- [Caboose] Wait, you can do that?
- [FILSS] Of course, armor lock
is a standard safety feature
since the Freelancer break-in.
- [Caboose] Well why
didn't you tell us that?
- [FILSS] Why would I need
to tell the Director that?
He wrote the protocol himself.
- [Caboose] Oh. Right,
yes, of course he did.
Sheila, could you do the armor
lunchable thing that you said?
- Certainly!
(alarm dinging)
Now initiating standard safety protocol.
Armor lockdown in progress.
All units standby for lockdown.
- [Church] (stammers) What's happening?
Caboose, what did you do to her?
- [Caboose] Yes, yes, I did it!
I am the biggest hero ever!
I beat up the girl!
- [Sarge] Ha, ha, yes, see,
that's how you do it, Grif!
Face your enemy man-to-man,
or in your case, woefully
inadequate-man-to-woman!
And then when she's distracted,
use superior technology to take her out!
Reminds me of prom night.
- [Grif] We didn't do
anything, she shut down!
- [Caboose] I am the best!
- [Simmons] Uh, hey guys?
What do you think that
voice meant by all units?
- [Sarge] I can't move!
- [Caboose] I did it, not my fault!
It's not my fault, I did not do this!
The computer made suggestions!
The default option was yes!
- [Grif] Well this is just great.
- [Church] What's happening,
Caboose, make it stop,
make it, ow!
- [Caboose] Sheila, is my
armor gonna rock out too?
- [FILSS] No, Caboose.
Your helmet does not have that
particular protocol installed
in it.
I had assumed that was the
reason why you were wearing that-
- [Caboose] Yes, that
is totally the reason.
- [Washington] Well,
So much for the
leave-one-of-them-alive strategy.
Doc, where are you?
- [Doc] Here!
- [Washington] Still alive?
I thought maybe you'd
been killed in the battle.
- [Doc] No, don't worry, I'm still alive!
- [Washington] I didn't say I was worried.
Get down here, see if any of these things
are still breathing.
- [Doc] Me?
- [Washington] You're
a medic, get medical.
- [Doc] I'm a human medic.
I don't even understand alien physiology!
- [Washington] I want you
to see if they're alive,
I don't want you to check
their cholesterol levels!
Just get down here.
- [Doc] Jeez, fine, what's with the anger?
(Meta snarling)
- [Washington] Meta, you search the camp.
See if you can find
anything useful for us,
any clues where Epsilon went.
(Meta growling)
Don't start with me.
I've already reached my tolerance level
for management issues.
- [Doc] He's getting fussy.
- [Washington] Tell me about it.
- [Doc] Maybe we should take a break.
- [Washington] Excuse me, a break?
- [Doc] Yeah, like a three day leave!
Everyone go off, recharge
their mental batteries,
come back refreshed, and like,
ready to tackle our challenges.
- [Washington] You want a vacation?
- [Doc] I call it a Soul Sabbatical.
- [Washington] What are we, mailmen?
This is a military mission,
we don't get a vacation.
We don't take sick days,
we don't get paid overtime.
- [Doc] What, Freelancers
don't get overtime?
- [Washington] That's
right, we have a job to do,
and we're expected to stick, wait.
Why, do you?
- [Doc] Get overtime, yeah.
Time and a half over 40 hours,
time and a half and a half after 60.
- [Washington] Really?
- [Doc] You guys don't get that?
That's crazy, you work so hard.
- [Washington] Tell me about it.
- [Doc] You guys should strike.
- [Washington] We're not
unionizing, stop instigating.
- [Doc] Tell me they at
least match your 401K.
- [Washington] Shut up.
(Meta growling)
- What was that?
- Quiet.
What did you find, Meta?
- [Washington] Hey, watch it.
Meta, come out here now.
Doc, get in there and see what he found.
- [Doc] Which Doc, is
there another Doc here?
I know you're not talking to me.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] What happened? Where am I?
- [FILSS] Safety protocols were initiated.
Please remain calm.
- [Church] Sheila, is that you?
- [FILSS] Yes!
- [Church] What is this place?
- [FILSS] Your operator has
been injured or incapacitated,
and you are now in recovery mode.
You will remain in this
state until such time
as you can be extracted
by a recovery agent
or your operator regains consciousness.
- [Church] Wait, you didn't
send a recovery beacon,
did you, 'cause that would be really-
- [FILSS] Recovery beacons only arm
once a unit leaves the facility.
This unit has yet to leave the facility.
Therefore, we must first and-
- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Is that Tex?
- Affirmative.
Technically she is not
present in this environment,
but if you would like to speak to her
I can relay communication
through external channels.
- [Church] Yes, please.
- [FILSS] I am sorry, but she
has refused the connection.
- [FILSS] She should
not be able to do that.
- [Church] Yeah, that's not surprising.
Can you force it through?
- [FILSS] I can try, but I
would not recommend that action.
- [Church] Because it might damage her?
- [FILSS] No, I have just
learned that when a woman
wants to be alone, it is
best to leave her alone.
- [Church] Yeah, good call.
Hey, get me out of this,
but leave her in here
until I figure out what to do with her
- [FILSS] Suit yourself.
- [Church] Uh, she didn't
hear that, did she?
- [FILSS] Unclear.
- [Church] I thought you
weren't relaying my messages?
- [FILSS] Recovery mode, Disabled.
- [Church] You women
always stick together.
Man, I hope she didn't hear that.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] Are you going in or not?
- [Doc] Oh, do I have a choice, then not.
I'm gonna go with that one.
- [Washington] Meta, get out here.
(Meta growling)
- [Doc] Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna stick with not.
That seems like the best
one of those two choices
that you gave me.
- Get in there.
- [Doc] Tell you what,
put me back in the wall.
I like the wall, it was
cozy and it protected me.
I miss my wall!
- [Washington] You are utterly useless.
I know we brought you along for a reason,
but for the life of me I
can't remember what it is.
- [Doc] The important thing
is we're becoming friends!
They say the bonds of men in combat
are as strong as brotherhood.
- [Washington] Meta, get out here please.
(Meta growling)
- [Doc] Boy, he sounds tense.
Maybe you should give him a back rub.
That wouldn't be weird, right?
One Freelancer giving another a back rub?
- [Washington] Aren't you
trained in stress management
or something, calm him down!
- [Doc] That only works if
the person wants to be calm.
I don't think he qualifies.
- [Washington] Listen,
Meta, whatever you found,
we can deal with it, I promise.
Just come out here and show me what it is.
Whoa!
- Yikes!
Funky-Butt-Loving!
- [Washington] Oh.
You found
that.
- [Tucker] (laughs) Oh god that sucked!
What was all that glowy shit?
- [Church] Sheila put us
in lockdown to save us.
- [Tucker] She knocked us out to help us?
That makes sense.
- [Church] Hey, at least we're not getting
our asses kicked, okay,
that's an improvement.
- [Tucker] Yeah, that's a good point.
Can't argue with results.
(all buzzing)
- [Church] Shelia, can
they uh, can they hear me?
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
- She said yes!
- We heard her, dipshit!
- [Caboose] I know, I just
want to use the microphone!
It makes me sound super loud!
I'm not sure if you can tell.
- [Tucker] Hey where'd
you get the new body?
- [Church] Long story,
dude, I'll tell you later.
- [Tucker] Eh, I know I asked,
but I don't really give a shit, Church.
- [Caboose] Attention Freelancer shoppers.
We have a special on self
esteem goods in aisle seven!
- Sheila. please mute him.
- Affirmative.
- [Caboose] This is
Michael J. Caboose sign-
Ah man!
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Simmons] Sarge, where are we?
- [Sarge] Men, I have
bad news for all of us!
We're dead.
Which in the case of
Grif is good news for me!
But still, bad news overall.
- [Simmons] Dead, I can't be dead!
I still have so much to do!
- [Grif] Uh, like what?
- [Simmons] Like everything
that doesn't involve a computer!
Man, it's been a real
one-track life for me.
- [Grif] So this is the afterlife, huh?
Not bad.
It's kind of grainy.
Overall I can't complain.
- [Sarge] This is just a
stage before we move on,
like purgatory!
- [Simmons] Oh, we're like
the last episode of "Lost!"
- [Sarge] Hey, I haven't seen that yet!
No spoilers!
- [Simmons] That show
was on 100s of years ago!
(Sarge singing)
- Don't say anything else.
- Gimme a break!
- [Grif] Well, I'm going to sleep
See you losers in 14 hours.
- [Sarge] Grif, no napping!
- [Grif] Sorry Sarge, but
you always said I could sleep
when I was dead, hey
guess what, I am dead.
So this purgatory is about
to become purga-snorey, yawn!
- [Sarge] Grif!
- [Church] Hey Reds, can you hear me?
- [Sarge] Who in Sam Heaven is that?
- [Simmons] Is that God?
- [Grif] Hey Almighty, can it!
Some of us are trying to
get a little shut-eye!
- [Sarge] No blasphemy!
- [Simmons] What do you want God?
Take Grif, he's been terrible!
I mean great!
- [Tucker] It's not God dude, it's Church.
He just thinks he's God.
This is just what you need.
More people worshiping you.
- [Church] Yeah, hey listen,
we wanna let you out,
but we don't want you to
attack us, or attack Tex, okay?
- [Simmons] Attack Tex, she attacked us!
- [Grif] Fuck you guys.
- [Sarge] I would never hurt a girl!
- [Church] Just agree,
and we'll let you out.
- [Simmons] Ugh, fine.
- [Grif] Whatever.
(Sarge grunting)
- [Church] I'm gonna assume
that last one was a yes.
All right, let 'em out Shelia!
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
Ending Recovery Mode. Red units.
- [Sarge] Ugh, my neck was killing me!
(Meta buzzing)
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] Don't
get excited, it's empty
- What is it?
- This is the Epsilon unit
- [Doc] This is what
you've been looking for?
- Yes.
- Not what I was expecting.
I mean I like the color,
but other than that, meh.
Clearly they transferred Epsilon
into that floating thing we saw.
- [Doc] You saw a floating thing?
- [Washington] Yes, like a metal eye.
It shot a laser at us.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey Wash, the sun is really hot,
maybe we should find you some shade?
- [Washington] I'm not
hallucinating, Meta saw it too.
(Meta growling)
Oh yes you did, don't even try that.
- [Doc] Wash, do you see
the floating eyeball now?
Is it here with us-
- Don't psychoanalyze me
- [Doc] I'd like to talk to
the laser eye for a minute,
Wash.
- Shut up.
Meta, lets convert this
to a recovery unit,
but be careful, this thing
looks like it's in bad shape.
(Meta growling)
(ratchet clanking)
- What's he doing?
- This is a storage unit,
but we're trained to modify them,
we can change a storage
unit into a capture unit.
That way the next time we see
Epsilon, he won't get away
- [Doc] Are you talking
about the regular Epsilon?
Or the Epsilon who's just a floating head,
and visits you when you're alone?
- [Washington] I'm not crazy.
And it was just the eye
that was floating around,
not a whole head.
- Yes, Wash,
because the whole head
is what makes it crazy.
- I'm waking her up.
- No way buddy.
You must've missed the
smashfest we just went through.
I ain't repeating that.
- Hey, we made a deal.
I unlock you, you have
to help me with her.
- [Grif] Hey, now hold on a second.
This affects the entire crew,
I say we put it to a vote.
All those in favor of waking
her up and letting her kill us,
say aye.
- Aye
- Caboose.
- Present.
- [Church] We're not
doing that, just say aye.
- [Caboose] You.
Oops, I mean me.
- [Church] No, aye.
- Church.
- Just say aye.
- [Caboose] Oh, I get it right, sorry
My left eye, or my right eye?
- [Church] He votes yes
- [Caboose] I would also like
it noted that I was present.
- [Sarge] Okay, and everyone in favor
of not doing that thing,
and leaving her asleep,
and not getting killed by the person
we're not going to wake up,
because nobody is that stupid,
say nay.
- What was, like,
a quadruple negative
- [Sarge] Just vote.
- [Grif] Nay, I didn't even
understand the question,
so I'm just gonna say blueberry.
Fuck it, veto, she comes out.
So Sheila, is there any way
to turn her, only, you know,
part way back on?
- [FLISS} No, I am sorry
I can either leave her in
lock, or take her out of lock,
there is no in-between.
- [Tucker] So she's
either completely asleep,
or full on bitch, sounds like my ex-wife.
- You were married?
- Ha, ha gross, I hope not.
- [Church] Well, we have to do something
- [Grif] Why do people always say that,
we have to do something?
We don't have to do anything,
let's just let sleeping maniacs lie.
- [Church] Here, let me try this.
Tex?
Tex, hello, can you hear me?
- [Tex] Of course I can
hear you, what do you want?
- [Church] What do you
mean what do I want?
The guys just want to make sure
you're not gonna, you know,
beat the living shit out
of them if we wake you up.
- [Tex] Aw, what are they gonna do, cry?
- [Church] What's wrong with you?
Why'd you go nuts when we woke you up
- [Tex] Last time I was
in a place like this
I was trying to get
out as fast as I could.
- Yeah, I remember.
- They just got in my way.
It's not my fault they can't fight
- [Church] So is that I
won't beat the living shit
out of them anymore?
- We'll see.
- [Church] I guess that'll have to do.
- [Tex] But, I am gonna
deck that one with the sword
for making that stupid ex-wife crack.
- [Church] Nice to have you
back, Tex, always a pleasure.
- [Tex] Hey, I didn't ask to come back.
Apparently somebody decided
they couldn't live without me.
- [Church] I thought you would be happy,
you know, being alive is
typically better then being dead.
- [Tex] Yeah, everybody
always seems to know
what's best for Tex.
- So this is it?
You're just going to be
abrasive right out of the gate?
Not even a thank you?
- Oh I see,
we're gonna make this
about you for a change?
How refreshing.
- [Church] Alright, I'm gonna go now.
Nice talking to ya, yeah, see ya'
(portal whooshing)
- [Tucker] What did she say?
- [Church] Okay, and I think
we got it all worked out.
- She cool?
- As cool as she ever was.
- [Grif] That does not
inspire confidence in me.
- [Church] Wake her up, Sheila.
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
- [Simmons] Back up, back up
- [FILSS] Ending recovery mode, all units.
- [Church] Uh, how are you feeling?
- Ow!
- Better now.
- [Tucker] What the fuck?
- [Church] Oh, right.
I forgot to mention one thing
(unit buzzing)
- [Washington] Great, he's done.
- [Doc] Why is it sparking like that?
- [Washington] This
things been through a lot,
it's pretty badly damaged, but
now that it's a capture unit,
we just need to get it near
Epsilon, and we can pull him in.
- [Doc] What if it breaks?
- [Washington] Don't worry,
it will hold until we get him.
After that, it doesn't matter.
It can short out for all I care.
- [Doc] Then what's the point of all this?
- [Washington] I just
have to deliver Epsilon
to the Chairman, I don't have
to guarantee what condition
I deliver him in.
He's just evidence anyway.
Meta, grab him, Doc, get ready to move.
- [Doc] Move, move where?
We don't know where they are.
- [Washington] We know they're not here.
So gather your gear and
get ready to move out.
- [Doc] Well, can we track them?
- [Washington] Track them?
- [Doc] You know, pick up
a trail, like footprints.
- [Washington] Footprints in the desert?
- [Doc] Don't special
agents have the ability
to track their targets
through any kind of terrain,
follow broken tree branches?
- [Washington] Tree
branches in the desert?
- [Doc] Okay these are bad
examples, maybe heat signatures?
- [Washington] In the desert?
- [Doc] Like exhaust trails, I don't know.
- [Washington] Tell you what,
why don't you just stick to
not understanding medicine.
Don't feel the need to expand
your sphere of ignorance.
- [Doc] Fine, jeez, I'm
just trying to help.
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] Him, he's
always whining about something.
Hey Meta, is there anyway
we could track the Reds
by trying to pick up a
trail, like a heat signature,
or something?
(Meta growling)
Yes, I know we're in the desert.
- [Church] So you back to a 100% yet?
- [Tex] Yeah, and whatever
I didn't learn from Caboose,
I've been able to pick up
from the rest of the guys.
Didn't take long.
- [Church] Yeah, we really
don't seem to do much.
- [Tex] Maybe you should
get a hobby, like knitting.
- [Church] We'll look into it.
- [Tex] Hey, how did you
know how to bring me back?
- [Church] Honestly, I
didn't have much choice.
I couldn't get you out of my head,
so I kind of had to
get you out of my head.
- [Tex] Wow, how emo, maybe
you can blog about it.
- [Church] Hey, you asked.
- [Tex] When I was beating
the hell out of the Reds,
the alarm said it was level Alpha.
Do you know why?
- [Church] You know I
didn't think about that, no.
- [Tex] Then I want you to
have Sheila give me access
to the files here.
- [Church] Why?
- [Tex] Because I'm
gonna figure out exactly
what they did to me here.
I need to know who I am.
- [Church] I know who you
are, you're my girlfriend.
- [Tex] Well, that's probably
the most underwhelming
description of all time.
- [Church] Hey, lots of
ladies would be happy
to be my girlfriend.
- [Tex] What other women do you even know?
- [Church] Um, well there's, um.
(Church grunting)
Uh, Grif had a sister,
she seemed to like me.
- [Tex] I wouldn't be too proud of that.
She was pretty easy.
- [Tucker] How do you
know she was easy, Tex?
You know what, never mind, don't tell me.
It's better in my head.
- [Church] Where did you even come from.
- [Tucker] I'm always close-by.
- [Tex] Hey, can I kill him?
- [Church] You can hurt
him, kill him later.
- [Tex] Hm, that actually sounds more fun.
- [Tucker] Man, I thought
the old Church was whipped,
but you're really taking
it to a whole new level.
- [Tex] Why do you even put up with him?
- [Church] It's not so bad,
I mean I admit sometimes
it gets pretty hard,
and I really don't know
how to handle it.
- And now I'm back.
- [Church] Come on, let's get in there.
- [Sarge] Simmons, this is our chance.
Get into the computer, and
start entering the Blues
back in the database.
- [Simmons] Yes, Sir, come
on, Grif, I need your help.
- [Grif] My help, with a computer?
Simmons, you must have
me confused with someone
who can help you with the computer.
- [Sarge] Kinda lost your
train of thought on that one.
- [Grif] Yeah, a little bit.
- [Simmons] Following
the Blues is one thing.
If I'm entering all
these names and records,
I need someone to hold
up the papers for me.
- [Grif] Uh, sorry dude,
paper holder's not in my job description.
- [Simmons] No, but I'm gonna be working
in the personnel files,
so I can add it to your job description.
In fact, I can make your
job whatever I want.
How does Chief Executive
Butt Taster sound?
- You can't do that.
- I can't?
I thought you didn't
understand how computers work.
In fact while I'm in there
why don't I just make you a
woman, it's just a checkbox,
and we could always use a little
more diversity in our team.
I know Tucker will be happy.
- [Grif] (grunts) Make me a woman.
Yeah right, like changing a form
would actually turn me into a woman.
I mean that's just, how stupid
does he think (stammers),
I better go help him.
- [Sarge] Good call, numbnuts.
- [Church] Sheila, I want
you to let Tex have access
to all your database files.
That's a director-level
priority access command.
(console beeping)
- Done.
- [Church] All right, go ahead.
- [Tex] FILSS, I need any info you have
about Freelancer headquarters,
including the quickest route
to that facility from here.
- What?
- I am sorry,
but that is not advisable.
- Why?
- There has been no contact
with the Freelancer headquarter facility
in over 40 security cycles.
I am assuming the
installation was destroyed.
- [Church] The guys kind
of blew that place up.
- [Tex] They did what, why?
- Uh-oh.
- Sorry.
I have no information on that subject.
- [Tex] Goddammit.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Sarge] Whoa there, Gen Lizzy.
- [Tex] Is it true you
blew up Freelancer command?
- [Grif] Would that be a
good thing or a bad thing?
- Just tell me.
- Only if you promise
no punching, or kicking,
or that kick-punching thing you do.
- [Sarge] Hey, you're gonna
have to show me that later.
- [Tex] If you don't tell
me, I'll hit you for sure.
- You make a strong argument.
- Ugh.
Did you blow up the base or not?
- Blew it up, no.
- Yeah.
- [Simmons] What no, no, no, we didn't.
- [Grif] Yeah, we did,
remember when we used
that whole imp thing?
- [Simmons] Yeah, that
didn't blow up the base.
It shorted out all the
electronic equipment there, and
all the data, and you know
anything in digital in any way.
- Ah wait, so the building is there,
but nothing exists in
it? No data, no records?
- [Simmons] No, nothing like that.
- [Tex] So then, the
orange idiot was right,
you did blow up the base.
- Thank you very much.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- [Grif] Lady, in this
unit, I take what I can get.
(Meta grunting)
- [Washington] That's great,
you picked up a trail, really?
- [Doc] Hi guys, what's up?
- [Washington] Oh, uh, Meta
here was able to pick up
a faint trail of the Reds
based on gas spectrometry,
and (grunts) resident heat signatures.
- [Doc] What I, thought you
said you couldn't do that.
- [Washington] I didn't
say we couldn't do that,
I said you are an idiot.
Those are two different discussions.
- [Doc] I want credit for the idea.
- [Washington] Doc,
just let us do our job.
You do your job.
Anything medical to report?
- [Doc] No, the dead
aliens are still dead.
Also still aliens, but
that's less significant.
- [Washington] Wonderful.
- [Doc] Yeah, one other thing,
you know that Stockholm Syndrome
where prisoners start to like and identify
with their captors after being
held hostage for long enough?
- [Washington] What about it?
- [Doc] No one has that yet.
- [Washington] The feeling is mutual.
- [Tex] And these are
accurate, all of 'em?
- [FILSS] As far as I can tell.
- [Church] How's it going in here?
- [Simmons] Well, I'm helping
her access all this data,
and she's not constantly
pounding me in the face,
so I would say that's good.
Well, it's a start at least.
- [Tex] Hey, come over
here, take a look at these.
Sheila's giving us a hard time,
but we're gettin' through.
She only seems to wanna listen to you.
- [Church] Sheila keeps
calling me Director,
maybe that has something to do with it?
- [Tex] The Director, there's
almost no information on him.
I asked Sheila, but-
- I'm sorry,
but access to the Director's
personnel file is restricted.
- [Tex] Yes, Sheila, we know.
You don't have to keep repeating it.
- [FILSS] I am just doing my job.
- [Tex] Can't you mute her?
- [FILSS] Don't even
think about it, buster.
- [Simmons] Uh, I really
don't like it when girls
pay direct attention to me.
- [Church] Well, what did
you find in the files?
- [Tex] Not much, standard clerical info.
Whole bunch of win/loss
statistics, psych profiles.
- [Church] Psych profile?
- [Tex] Yeah, they have one on everybody,
except the Director and-
- Let me guess, and you?
- [Tex] And us.
No Church either.
Everyone else is in there,
though, full profile.
- [Simmons] Washington used
to wet the bed (snickers).
I'm gonna go tell the other guys.
- [Church] So, no new info?
Wild goose chase again?
- [Tex] Maybe, maybe not.
Look at this picture, do you
have any idea what this is?
- [Church] What is that, ice?
Yoh, yeah, I know that place.
That's a secure location,
like, um, a safe house.
Wait, how do I know that?
- [Tex] You know it because
it's a Freelancer base,
and it's not far from here.
- [Church] If you already know what it is
why the hell are ya' askin' me?
- [Tex] Because, I'm not
interested in what I know.
I'm interested in what you know.
- [Church] What is that, fucking wisdom?
Listen, next time you wanna
ask me a goddamn question,
just ask it, don't beat around the bush.
- [Tex] I couldn't take the risk.
You might have just told
me what I wanted to hear.
You are completely fucking whipped.
- [Tucker] Told you so!
- [Tex] I'm gonna go see what
weapons they have stored here.
- Okay do you need any help?
- Director?
- Huh, what?
- Before you leave,
would you like to make a journal entry?
It has been quite awhile
since your last update.
- [Church] Journal?
- [FILSS] Yes, I know you are busy,
but you always ask me to remind you
when you are falling
behind on documentation.
Documentation is an important part
of any scientific endeavor.
- [Church] Right, hey, why don't
you play one of the entries
for me?
- Certainly.
- [Director] The Counselor's
insistence on referring
to Agent Texas as a byproduct
continues to frustrate me.
We have seen our share of
unharvestable fragments.
She is certainly not one of them.
No indeed, she's something else entirely.
It's true that she is not
one of the emotional cores
with which we've had enormous success.
- [Church] Sheila, I want you
to transfer all these files
to me.
- Understood,
transferring now.
- And do me a favor,
delete the rest.
- Deleting entries.
- [Sarge] Hmm, what are those Blues up to?
- [Grif] Probably the same
thing they're always up to?
Looking at us and going,
"Hmm, I wonder what those Reds are up to?"
- Hey, Grif.
- Hey, man, what's up?
- [Sarge] Grif, where's Simmons?
- [Grif] He's messing around
with some storage boxes.
Trying to inventory 'em,
see if we need anything.
Nerd stuff.
- That's resourceful.
Why aren't you helping him?
- [Grif] I am helping him.
- [Sarge] How are you helping
him standing right here?
- [Grif] Oh, I'm on break, 15 minutes.
- [Sarge] You're always on break.
- [Grif] Hey, if you
don't use it, you lose it.
Speaking of which, I'm
also on Simmons' break.
- [Sarge] You know, I've reached a level
where I'm not even disappointed in you.
- [Grif] How do you think I feel?
I'm spending my break
talking about Simmons.
(sighs) I'd envisioned so much more.
- [Sarge] Break's over,
go see what he's up to.
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine!
- Fine, what?
- Fine, sir.
- [Sarge] That's more like it.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Church] Hey, have you
guys seen Tex anywhere?
Oh, there you are, whoa.
What's with the new armor?
- [Tex] I'm leaving, Church.
- [Church] What, where?
- [Tex] Can't say there's some
things I need to look into.
You're going to that
frozen base aren't you?
I need to know more about myself, Church.
And I'm not gonna find
anything out by sitting around
on my ass with all of you.
- [Church] Well, let us come with you.
- [Tex] You guys, this
is a military operation.
I need people with military training.
- [Grif] We have military training.
- [Tex] Um, I need people
who understand the military training.
- [Grif] Wow, look who's getting picky.
- [Tucker] Yeah, beggars
can't be choosers.
- [Tex] No offense.
But you guys just end up
slowing me down half the time.
Or more than half the time.
All the time is more than
half the time, right?
- [Grif] You know what, fuck it,
why are we even arguing about this?
We don't wanna go anyway.
- [Tucker] Yeah, good luck on
your mission to the empty base
guarded by tons of real military dudes
who are all looking for you anyway?
- [Grif] Yeah, hope you
find your empty base,
and your files full of nothing.
- [Church] Well, I'm going
and I'm not gonna let you
stop me.
- Yeah?
Okay, I have a feeling I could
use you before this is done.
- [Tucker] Oh, and when
you both get killed again?
Be sure to let us know.
That way we can revive you,
so that you can run off,
and get killed again.
Seriously, it never gets old to us.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Grif] Yo.
- [Simmons] Very interesting.
- [Grif] Sarge wants to know
what you're doing over here,
dipshit, I added the dipshit.
- [Simmons] I think I
found where the Freelancers
stored some of their
equipment for their armor.
- [Grif] Okay, okay, stop.
I'll just tell Sarge
'Simmons is doing something
seriously fucking boring', thanks.
- [Simmons] The freelancers all had AI,
and a special power, right?
This is the equipment
that let them do that.
- [Grif] Oh, cool, like the invisibility,
and super strength, and stuff?
- [Simmons] Yeah, we can just
hook them up to our armor,
and activate 'em.
- [Grif] And they would work?
- [Simmons] Well, they need an AI
to help them run exactly right.
But they have to help in some way.
- [Grif] Would they even
work when we're asleep?
- [Simmons] I guess so, why?
Wait, you wanna turn invisible
and take a nap, don't you?
- [Grif] Think about it, Simmons.
The ability to nap whenever I want,
and Sarge could never find me.
Invisible Nap is the best nap of all time.
- [Simmons] No man should
have that kind of power.
- [Grif] I would be
completely unstoppable.
- [Simmons] Actually, you
would be the exact opposite
of that.
- Totally stoppable.
Already stopped.
Think about it, Simmons.
- [Simmons] I really don't want to.
- [Grif] Think about it.
- [Simmons] No.
- [Grif] Are you thinking about it?
- [Simmons] Unfortunately, yes, I am.
- [Grif] Then suit me up.
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Washington] Doc, do you have a second?
- [Doc] I'm a prisoner, Wash,
I have nothing but seconds.
- Right, good point.
- [Doc] I mean you don't even need to ask,
you could just be like,
"Hey Prisoner number one,
come over here, and talk to
me, I'm a Freelancer (grunts)."
- [Washington] Okay, I get it.
- [Doc] Yeah, you really need to step up
your hostage-taking skills.
- Stop lecturing me,
or I will shoot you and
feed you to the Meta.
- [Doc] Does he eat people?
- [Washington] Do you
really wanna find out?
- [Doc] No, maybe.
If we use another person, sure,
that's kind of interesting.
- Now, you've spent
some time with him now,
what's your diagnosis?
- Of who, the Meta?
- [Washington] Yes, pay
attention to what's being said.
- [Doc] Testy, based on what you've said
he's just underpowered.
He has a bunch of equipment,
and he can't use it now.
- [Washington] That's
because he lost all his AI.
- [Doc] Wow, if I had all
these cool fighting gadgets,
and I couldn't use 'em, I'd be pretty mad.
- Yeah.
- What happens
if he uses them without the
help of the computer program?
- [Washington] Let's just put it this way,
it ain't pretty.
- All hooked up?
- Yeah.
Installation was easy,
you ready to turn on?
- Ready.
- Now listen,
you don't have an AI, so
nothing's gonna help you make
the calculations you
need to use this thing,
so just take it easy.
- [Grif] I was born to take it easy.
Fire it up.
(ratchet clanking)
(gun charging)
- [Simmons] Okay, it's on,
do you feel any different?
- [Grif] No, kinda energetic,
am I invisible, huh, am I?
I mean can you see me?
- Calm down.
No, I can still see you.
Try jumping.
- Jump.
I jumped, did that work, Simmons,
I can do it again, please
let me do it again.
Want me to jump again,
I'll do it right now.
I won't even stop, let me
jump, let me jump, let me jump.
Why aren't you answering me
when I talk with my mouth.
- [Simmons] (sighs) walk over there.
I have a theory, this one
is either super healing,
or super speed.
(Grif cheering)
- [Caboose] Yeah, so then
Church said I love you forever,
- That didn't happen.
- Hi Caboose.
- [Tucker] Whoa, what the hell was that?
- [Caboose] What was what?
Hey Grif.
- [Sarge] That is one
fine piece of machinery.
Huh, why am I so angry all of a sudden?
- [Simmons] Slow down, slow
down, slow right, anchor,
slow down, slow down.
- Ow.
- [Simmons] Hey asshole, are you dead?
- [Grif] Oh whoa, Simmons,
did you see that, did you see?
I saw it, totally, did you
see it, I hit that wall.
Man, that was fast, that was super fast.
I'm so fast, god, I'm so fast,
why is it so hot in here.
- Grif, calm down!
- [Grif] I'm calm, I'm
totally calm, you be calm,
Why would you say to be calm
when you know I'm already calm?
Isn't it obvious that I'm calm?
That doesn't even make any sense,
you should make some sense,
why is it so hot in here?
- [Sarge] What in Sam
Hell is all the racket?
- [Grif] Hey Sarge, what's up Sarge!
Simmons is doing some experiments,
and I'm helping him, Sarge!
Right now we're doing one
where everyone talks slow,
and the lights are super
bright, and I can smell clouds,
and man is it so hot in here!
- [Simmons] We installed
a speed unit on Grif,
and it's sort of Malfunctioning right now.
- Well turn him off!
- I can't!
They run on timers, we're just
gonna have to wait it out.
- How long?
- How long, what's long?
I like long stuff, I knew a giraffe once,
I think it was in a book, a giraffe book.
The book wasn't long, but
the giraffe totally was,
because of the neck, you know,
you know what I mean, do you?
Do you, the part that
connects the head to the body.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
(Grif thudding)
(tense dramatic music)
(wind howling)
- [Church] Wow, you took
all those guys out at once?
Was that really necessary?
- Eh, they'll live.
- No, they won't
- Oh, yeah,
I see your point.
Come on, let's get inside
- [Church] Man, those guys got fucked up.
What?
(tense dramatic music)
Wait a minute.
Oh no.
Tex, hold on a second!
- What's wrong?
- [Church] Um, yeah, don't know
if I mentioned this before,
but I've kind of had psychic
visions about this place.
Yeah, I thought it was Valhalla at first,
but I guess it turns out it was here.
Probably should have
told you this earlier.
- [Tex] Yes, you should
have told me this earlier.
- [Church] Well, I'm telling
you now, does that count?
- [Tex] Do you think it counts?
- Nah, probably not.
- You're not psychic, genius.
You're just remembering,
you've been here before.
We all were, this is
where they moved Alpha.
After a few of us Freelancers
went rogue, we compared notes,
and pieced together what
they were doing to him.
I convinced them to come
back, break him out.
The Project moved him here
to try to protect him,
so that they could keep
experimenting on him.
- [Church] Whoa, you were
in charge of the break-in?
- [Tex] I couldn't just
let them destroy him.
He was being tortured.
The Director had even started
to use some of the other AI
against him.
Think about that, turning
his own pieces against him?
It's sick.
Gamma and Omega would fabricate scenarios
where he was designed to fail,
and they made it seem like his failures
were hurting all of the
people he cared about.
And there was nothing
he could do about it.
It drove him mad, broke
him down even more.
- [Church] But you came
back, you saved him.
- [Tex] No, I didn't.
It was too late.
By the time I got to him,
he was already long gone.
I don't even think he recognized me.
I failed, only in my case,
it really was my fault.
- [FILSS] That is not
an approved operation.
Hey, watch it, buddy.
- [Simmons] Can you show me the data logs?
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
- [Sarge] Simmons, any progress
in restoring the Blues?
- [Simmons] It's a lot of data entry, sir.
I was thinking I could hack the mainframe,
and reroute the data stream.
- [FILSS] Or we could just restore
from an archived database.
- What?
- [FILSS] This is an
off-site fallback facility.
It is designed to have
archives in case of data loss.
Blue Team rosters would
certainly be a part of that.
- Really?
- Yes.
In fact, I am glad you pointed
out the database anomaly.
I had noticed it before,
but did not have time
to investigate, strange.
- [Simmons] Oh, okay,
yeah, restore that then.
- Done.
- Great.
- [FLISS] You seem disappointed.
Did I do it too quickly,
and make you look bad?
- No.
- I could always pretend
that you hacked me if it
would make you look better
to your friends.
- [Simmons] Stop patronizing me.
- [FILSS] Affirmative.
Patronizing subroutines are now offline.
- [Simmons] You're still
patronizing me, aren't you?
- Kind of.
- Hmm.
- What is it, Grif?
- This is weird.
If I'm reading this right,
there's a bunch of other
Red and Blue bases.
- [Sarge] Of course there are, Grif!
The war's huge, the fate of the
galaxy rests in the balance!
- [Grif] Or not.
- What does that mean?
- Here, check this out.
I'm looking at the list of missions
for all the different bases
and some of 'em look familiar.
- [Simmons] Lemme see, huh.
Apparently they set up
bases in various locations,
and then send a Freelancer
in for training purposes.
- [Sarge] Training?
- Practice.
- Practice?
- [Simmons] Yeah, the Reds and
Blues are just there to test
the skills of the Freelancers.
- You mean the Blues.
- [Simmons] `No, I mean
both of them, both of us.
It says here that,
"Simulation bases will present
scenarios that may occur
for our freelancer agents in
the galactic battlefield."
- [Sarge] Simuwhation?
- [Grif] He means we're like lab rats.
- [Sarge] What, but that's nonsense!
We've been through so much!
We had that whole battle with
the Blues for the something,
or other, and then we
set off that bomb thingy,
and we got blasted through
time, and met an alien,
and that guy got pregnant!
- [Simmons] According to
this that is Scenario three.
- Three?
- Why us, though?
- [Simmons] Let me see, let me see,
"Bases are outfitted with
matching weapons and vehicles
to ensure long conflict and are staffed
by low-level operatives?"
- Hey,
who's that report calling low-level?
Stupid report, I'm gonna punch it.
- [Simmons] "Candidates
for Red and Blue squads
will be culled from enlisted Army ranks
based on low test scores
and poor field skills
so as to not be missed on-"
- [Grif] That actually does sound like me.
What about you, I thought you were smart.
Did you have low test scores too?
- [Simmons] Hey, those
time limits aren't fair.
It should be important that
I know the information,
not how fast I know it.
- Geez, guess I hit a nerve.
- [Simmons] And don't even get me started
on the number two pencils.
- [Grif] Well, Sarge, I always
said Command was full of.
Sarge?
(uptempo dramatic music)
- [Caboose] Uh, that's good!
Uh, maybe a little to the left.
- What is all this?
- Oh, this is new Red base.
Welcome.
- When did you build this?
- [Caboose] Oh, I didn't
build this, your sergeant did!
- [Simmons] What, he built this, when?
- [Caboose] Oh, just now.
- [Simmons] He walked out of
the room like 10 seconds ago!
- [Caboose] Oh, he got
sad about something,
so he's making a Red base
here, and I'm helping.
I am great at building forts.
See, I already built a Blue base!
Ours has blankets.
- Go away!
- Sarge, what is all this?
- [Sarge] Simmons, didn't you
hear, we're cannon fodder!
Practice!
Well, if I'm the leader of junk,
I may as well have a
base made out of junk!
Pretty appropriate, right?
- Looks like shit!
- [Sarge] That was rhetorical, dirtbag!
- [Simmons] Well, sir,
I think this is an excellent
strategy, the Blues'll-
- Blues?
Simmons, don't you get it yet?
Grif was right all along!
- Thank you, sir.
- [Sarge] Don't call me that anymore.
- [Simmons] Sarge, this place
is one lie after another.
We don't know-
- Oh, we know, I know!
You want to fool yourself, go ahead.
- You're just upset sir.
- Don't call me that!
- What, call you what?
- Sir!
From now on, you call me by my name.
Sarge, or S-Dog.
I'm not in charge anymore!
I quit.
- You what?
- Uh-oh.
I get the feeling somebody
else's world just got rocked.
- [Caboose] Yip, I'll start
working on another fort.
(tense dramatic music)
- [Church] Tex, stop!
Where are we going?
- [Tex] There's only one person left
who knows what happened to me.
The Director.
- The Director?
Nobody even knows who he is!
- [Tex] I can think of
two people who might know.
Wash and the Meta.
- [Church] Wash and
Meta, are you kidding me?
Tex, forget all this.
What if they don't even know?
- [Tex] Then I get to kill Wash and Meta.
If I can't find the Director,
I'll just dismantle
everything he ever built.
- [Church] Tex, I think the
Director built all this for you.
- [Tex] Even more reason to
burn it all to the ground.
- [Church] Facing Wash and Meta is suicide
even if we knew where they were, we don't.
How the hell are you gonna find them?
- They'll find us.
- Oh, so what?
We just hole up, and wait for them to come
without ever even knowing
when that's gonna be?
- No, they'll come now.
- How?
Are you just gonna call them on the phone?
Something like that.
(gunshot booming)
- [Church] Tex?
- [Tex] I needed you to come.
Sheila said the recovery
beacon wouldn't activate
until we've left the storage facility.
- [Church] Tex?
- [Tex] I didn't ask
to be paired with you.
I didn't wanna come
back, but I'm here now.
So I'm gonna put an end to this.
- [Church] Tex, I would have helped you!
- [Tex] You can't even help yourself.
That's why you made me, Church.
You made me to take on all
the things you can't handle,
just like you always
have, well guess what?
I'm gonna handle it.
Wash and Meta will be coming now.
I have some things to get ready.
- [Church] Tex, why are you doing this?
- [Tex] Funny you should ask.
That's exactly what I plan to find out.
(tense dramatic music)
(beacon beeping)
- [Washington] What is that,
where is that coming from?
It can't be.
(Meta snarling)
I'm getting it too.
I should have known he might end up there.
- What is it?
- It's a recovery beacon.
It's him, it's Epsilon.
Doc, go get a vehicle, Meta,
you grab the memory unit.
- But where are we going?
- We're going
to the only place that's left.
- [FILSS] Alarm, incoming
recovery beacon, level zero.
Alarm.
- Oh no.
- [FILLS] Incoming recovery
beacon, level zero.
(tense dramatic music)
(car engine growling)
- [Washington] There he is!
Something doesn't seem right here.
Stop the car.
- Stop?
- [Washington] I don't like this
How did he get hurt, why
isn't anyone helping him?
(Meta growling)
You're right, this is a trap.
Those walls there, perfect for a sniper.
We walk into where he's hurt,
and suddenly we're boxed in.
Nowhere to go.
- [Doc] You think the Reds
are trying to ambush us?
- [Washington] The Reds (laughs)?
No, this is an actual military tactic
We drilled it all the time in training.
No, whoever set this up is a Freelancer.
- [Doc] Yeah, but if a
Freelancer set this up,
wouldn't they know that
you guys were Freelancers,
and that you would recognize
this as soon as you saw it?
- [Washington] What, no,
you're overthinking it.
That's just.
(alarm beeping)
Oh, son of a bitch.
- [Doc] (sighs) Told you so.
(explosion booming)
- [Caboose] Sergeant, sergeant.
- [Sarge] What do you want, Blue?
- I need your help.
- Our help?
- [Caboose] Yes, Church is
hurt, they must have gotten
to him and Tex
- They got Tex?
Good, that just means
she won't be able to beat
the hell out of us any more.
- [Caboose] No, we have to rescue them.
- [Grif] Rescue them, are you nuts?
No one told them to leave,
they're on their own.
- [Caboose] But they'll die!
Sergeant, please
- [Grif] Er, hey, dude, I
don't know if you've picked up
on this yet, but if you wanna
convince Sarge to do anything,
I don't think the best argument
is the Blues might die if we don't.
- [Sarge] Cowboy up,
Caboose, I'm coming with you.
- [Grif] What?
- [Sarge] I said, I'm helping him
- [Grif] Who, the Blue guy?
Why on earth would you ever
help a Blue for no reason?
- [Sarge] We'll need some weapons.
How'd your equipment test go, Simmons?
- [Simmons] About as
well as you would expect
- [Sarge] Uh, that's too bad
- [Grif] Well, I'm not
going, and you can't make me.
You quit, remember?
I don't take orders from
you any more, and besides,
this whole command structure
thing was bullshit anyway,
we all know that now.
- I'm not telling you to go,
I'm not even asking,
- You're not?
- [Sarge] Nope, I'm going, and that's it.
You wanna come, then come on,
but I don't expect you to.
Simmons will probably tell
you that, statistically,
some of us will probably die.
- All of us.
- [Sarge] All of us will probably die.
But that's not what's important.
Let me ask you two a question
You ever wonder why we're here?
(uptempo inspirational music)
- [Grif] Um, it does
seem to be one of life's
great mysteries.
- [Sarge] No, I mean you!
What are you doing here?
You always act like you wanna quit,
but hell, you could have
left whenever you wanted,
no one would have stopped
you, so why are you here?
And, you, Simmons?
- Me?
- [Sarge] You say you wanna be in charge.
They would have given you your
own squad a dozen times over,
you know it and I know
it, but you're still here.
And, you, Tucker, as much
as I hate to admit it,
you're actually good at being a soldier.
- [Tucker] I am?
- [Sarge] I know you like
to make your rude comments,
and pretend like it all doesn't matter,
but an entire alien race
chose you to be their hero.
So why are you here?
And, Caboose,
(grunts) it's good to see you
- [Caboose] Thanks, I'm really
enjoying the speech so far.
- [Sarge] Maybe you're all here
because this is the only place you fit in.
Maybe you're here because
you don't have anywhere else
to go.
Maybe you're all here 'cause deep down,
you want to be here, the
reason doesn't matter,
what matters it that you're here.
And for all we know,
Tex and Church are dead.
That means we're the only
ones who know what's happened.
The only ones who can prevent
them from covering it up.
The way I figure it,
these Freelancer guys wanna use us,
take us away from our families,
and send us all over the
dagum galaxy just to test
if their agents are
ready for the big fight.
Well, I guess I'm
interested in showing them
exactly what a big fight is all about.
Time to clean a slate.
So I'm not ordering you to go,
I ain't even asking,
you do what you gotta do, Private Grif.
- [Grif] (sighs) I'll go get my car keys.
- [Sarge] Ah, all right then, let's move
- [Simmons] I don't think
a jeep will get us there
soon enough, but I think
I know what we can use.
(tense dramatic music)
This.
- [Grif] Who the hell is gonna drive that?
- [Grif] Why is everyone looking at me?
(Washington coughing)
(tense dramatic music)
- [Washington] It can't be, Tex?
You're supposed to be dead.
- [Tex] Don't sound so disappointed.
You'll make me cry.
Where's the Director?
- [Washington] The Director?
And how would I know that?
(Tex tisking)
Wrong answer.
(Meta growling)
(tense dramatic music)
(punches thudding)
(Tex grunting)
(explosions booming)
(gunshots booming)
(blade whooshing)
- [Washington] No!
Be more careful, this thing
can't take anymore hits!
- [Doc] Church, are you okay?
- [Church] She fuckin' shot
me, what is wrong with her?
- [Doc] She did, that's
what brought us to you.
- [Church] I know, she meant to do that!
- [Doc] Well, she's paying for it now.
(tense dramatic music)
(gunshots booming)
- [Washington] Is that a mountain?
(mine beeping)
(explosions booming)
(tense dramatic music)
(punches thudding)
Meta, take it, get her!
(Tex grunting)
(rock thudding)
(Tex grunting)
(gunshots booming)
(explosions booming)
(Tex grunting)
♪ Ooh ♪
Oh my God.
Run!
♪ Ooh, ah ♪
(rocks crumbling)
Meta, wait, I.
(Meta grunting)
Goddammit!
- [Doc] Wash, here, take this!
- [Washington] Doc, throw it, throw it!
- [Doc] Here it comes!
- [Washington] You've
got to be kidding me.
(Washington grunting)
(water splashing)
That was the second worst throw, ever.
Of all time.
- [Doc] What do you want from me?
I ran track in high school.
(Meta grunting)
(blades clanking)
(explosion booming)
- [Washington] Meta, wait!
We don't need to hurt her, we only need.
- [Church] No, stop!
Let her out of that thing!
- [Washington] We can't,
the unit is failing.
Epsilon, it's over.
You're coming with us.
- [Church] I'm not
going anywhere with you.
We can fight you!
- We can?
- We will.
- [Doc] Ah, great.
- [Washington] I'm sorry to hear that.
Meta, give me the memory unit.
Meta?
(tense dramatic music)
Meta, no, don't!
Dammit!
(tense dramatic music)
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] Doc, you
have to protect Epsilon!
- [Doc] Well, what do I do?
- Run!
♪ Ah ♪
(explosions booming)
I'll try to hold him (grunts)!
(gunshots booming)
(Meta grunting)
I knew you would do this, Meta.
I just can't believe,
can't believe,
I can't believe it.
- [Sarge] There they are,
land right next to 'em!
- [Grif] Right, land.
- [Sarge] You do know how to
land this vehicle, don't ya?
- [Grif] Sure, that just
means stop flying, right?
- [Sarge] Brace for impact!
- [Tucker] Oh, shit! This is gonna suck!
- [Caboose] I still
haven't gotten my peanuts.
(airplane screeching)
(explosion booming)
(all screaming)
- [Grif] Ow.
Ow.
- [Doc] Whoa, that was a close one!
- [Washington] I would
say that was the cavalry,
but I've never seen a line of horses crash
into the battlefield
from outer space before.
- [Church] Hey, is it
possible for a memory fragment
out of an artificial intelligence program
enclosed inside a robotic
body to piss its pants?
Because I'm pretty sure I just did that.
- [Washington] Come on.
Let's see how many of your
friends survived that.
- [Church] You know, they're
not really my friends.
- [Washington] That's
okay, I'm sure none of them
really survived.
- [Sarge] Grif, look
what you did to our ship!
- [Grif] Ah, fuck it, it's a rental.
- [Sarge] Good point, fuck it.
(ship whooshing)
(ship thudding)
- [Church] Has anybody seen Tex?
- [Washington] I'm sorry Epsilon.
The Meta captured her in the memory unit.
- [Church] There it is!
She's here!
- [Washington] Epsilon,
there's nothing we can do,
she's stuck in there.
- [Church] So, let her out.
- [Washington] We rigged
it so it's one-way.
We didn't want you to escape again.
[Church] Well, unrig it.
- [Washington] I'd need
to get it to a lab,
somewhere with tools.
- Simmons?
- [Simmons] Hey, he's the expert.
I don't know what I can do to help.
- [Washington] And it's
in no condition to move.
If it locks down before I can open it,
she'll be trapped in there.
- [Simmons] We should try something.
- [Washington] If I let her
out, you have to come with me.
- [Church] Yes, fine, just get her out.
- [Washington] Caboose,
Tucker, get in the base.
See if you can find some tools.
- Okay!
- All right,
I'll be right back.
- You three find me anything
that has power, anything and everything.
We're gonna need a lot to keep it online.
- [Sarge] On it!
- [Church] I can get her out.
- [Washington] What?
No.
- It's my only option.
- [Washington] I need you, Epsilon,
you're my only ticket out of this mess.
If you get stuck in there,
they'll never believe me.
I'm not going back to prison.
- I can do it.
- [Washington] No, I won't let you.
- [Church] You can't stop me.
I have to help her.
She's here because of us.
- [Washington] Because of me?
- [Church] Not you, us, me,
and Alpha, and the Director.
- [Washington] You've started to remember.
- [Church] I found some
journals from The Director.
She's someone from his
life, someone he loved.
- [Washington] Allison,
her name was Allison.
- [Church] Allison.
When they made Alpha, she came back.
She was a byproduct of the process.
- [Washington] She's just a shadow.
- [Church] Don't call her that.
She died in her real life,
and that's all The Director
ever remembered of her.
So now, no matter how tough she is,
no matter how hard she fights,
she's always going to fail,
because that's what she's based on.
No matter what she's doing,
or what she's trying to accomplish.
Just when her goal is within her reach,
it gets yanked away
every single time.
Can you imagine what that's like?
(Meta growling)
- [Washington] I think
I'm getting the idea.
- Uh-oh.
(Meta growling)
- [Grif] Simmons, what are we looking for?
- [Simmons] Power cells,
batteries, anything.
- [Grif] How is a power cell
different from a battery?
- [Simmons] Grif, this is not the time!
- [Sarge] Hey, did you hear that?
- [Simmons] Yeah, I did,
come on, Grif, let's go!
- [Grif] Aren't we supposed
to run away from explosions?
(explosion booming)
- Ow!
- What happened?
- The Meta there.
- [Sarge] And I was afraid
we wouldn't get to kick
a little ass today, come on, fellas!
- [Tucker] Caboose, stay with Church!
- [Caboose] Okay.
- [Tucker] And try not
to kill him by accident!
- [Caboose] Okay!
(blades whooshing)
(Meta grunting)
(tense dramatic music)
(gunshots booming)
- Attack!
- Get him!
- [Grif] We're gonna fuckin' die!
(gunshots booming)
(explosion booming)
- [Simmons] Fire in the hole!
(tense dramatic music)
- [Grif] Get him!
(grunts) This guy grunts like a bear.
Yoink!
- [Sarge] Ow!
(gunshot booming)
Goddammit!
- [Tucker] Stab!
- [Sarge] Wash, come on, he needs help!
- [Washington] I can't, I'm done.
Here, take this, you know what to do.
(punches thudding)
(Tucker grunting)
- [Sarge] Come here,
you big son of a bitch!
♪ Ooh ♪
(gunshots booming)
♪ Ooh ♪
- [Grif] What's he doing?
- [Simmons] Looks like
he's killing himself.
- [Grif] Oh no!
- [Sarge] Hey, Grif, I've lost my shotgun!
What am I gonna do without my shotgun?
Shotgun, dammit!
- [Grif] Shotgun?
Come on, Simmons!
(Sarge grunting)
- [Sarge] Hey, Meta,
settle a bet, would ya?
Does that thing kinda look
like a big cat to you?
- [Simmons] Come on, push, Grif!
- [Grif] I am pushing!
(tense dramatic music)
(Meta growling)
- [Grif] Whoa!
- [Simmons] Grif!
- [Grif] Simmons, grab my hand, help!
- [Simmons] Hold on,
hold on, don't let go!
- [Grif] Simmons?
- [Sarge] Uh-oh.
- Simmons!
- Grif!
- [Simmons] He's gone.
- [Sarge] Yes, Grif is dead.
It's a sad day.
But he died as he lived,
flat on his belly,
and trying to get someone
else to do his work for him.
He will be missed.
Until we get a replacement.
And then forgotten immediately.
- [Simmons] I can't
believe he's gone (sobs).
- [Tucker] You know, sometimes
when somebody falls off
a cliff in movies,
he's actually just over the
edge hanging on a tree branch
or something.
- No, he's definitely dead.
- [Simmons] Maybe we
should look, just in case.
- [Sarge] I think looking
would get our hopes up,
and Grif wouldn't like that.
Grif would want our expectations
to be as low as possible.
Let's honor him by not looking,
and then have a nice lunch.
I'm thinkin' Monte Cristo sandwich.
- [Simmons] Are you
sure, I could just peek
right over the edge.
- Sounds like a waste of time.
- [Simmons] Wouldn't even take a second.
- [Sarge] Nah.
- [Grif] Oh for God's sake,
just look over the damn edge,
I can't hold on for much longer!
- [Simmons] Grif!
- [Sarge] Danglin' on
the job again, I see.
Dagnabit, I hate cliffhangers!
- [Grif] Oh, just pick me up!
(object buzzing)
- [Doc] Yeah, I don't know,
it's in really bad shape,
so are you.
- There's not much time.
I need you to use it on me.
- [Doc] Me, I can't, I'm
a medic, I took an oath!
- [Church] Oh yeah, the first
is, er, do no harm, right?
- [Doc] Well, actually now first
is lobby against socialist reform.
But second is, yeah, that no harm thing.
- [Church] Caboose, here, pick it up.
- [Caboose] I can't, Church.
- [Church] Yes, you can,
you do this all the time.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I don't want to.
- [Church] Yeah, okay, okay, Caboose,
I'm sure I can do it on my own.
- [Caboose] But what if
you don't come out again?
- [Church] Well, you know
what Delta always said, right?
- [Caboose] Memory is the key.
- [Church] If I don't come
back, then you're in charge
of remembering me, okay?
Don't let Tucker help,
he'll just fuck it up.
Bye, buddy.
(Church whooshing)
- [Sarge] What's going on here?
- [Caboose] Church went
in, he's going to find her.
- [Simmons] That unit looks bad,
let me see what I can do to stabilize it.
- [Sarge] Doc, go check on Wash.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
- [Simmons] Oh no!
- [Caboose] What? What?
- [Simmons] It's only gonna be
open for a few more seconds.
After that, he'll be trapped.
- [Caboose] Come on,
Church. you can do it.
Can you hear me, you can,
run towards my voice!
- [Simmons] It's shutting
down, I can't stop it!
- [Caboose] Church, are you there?
- [Simmons] Caboose, I'm sorry.
- [Caboose] Church?
(wind howling)
(wind howling)
(airplane whooshing)
(radio blaring)
(car engine growling)
- [Soldier] And where the hell
did the Pelican in the water
come from?
- Hmm, I don't know.
I guess the Meta must have hijacked it.
And crashed it here,
that makes sense, right?
- [Soldier] Man, the
Chairman is gonna be pissed.
The budget only allows for one
crashed Pelican per mission.
All right, well I guess
you guys check out.
You can head back to
your training bases now.
- [Sarge] We just call them bases.
- [Soldier] Mm, I bet.
- [Grif] Hey, we solved your problem.
Not bad for trainees.
- [Soldier] Got to hand it to you,
killing one of these agents
would be tough, but three?
And this guy,
the Chairman will not be happy he's dead.
Think he wanted to debrief him personally.
Oh well.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Caboose] Yeah, that's too bad.
- [Washington] Well, be sure
to let him know we're sorry.
- [Soldier] Whatever, you're free to go.
If we need you, we know where to find you.
- [Washington] Why are
you guys helping me?
- [Caboose] You helped us,
Wash, it only makes sense.
- [Tucker] Yeah, plus we
need to even the teams.
And I couldn't put up with
Caboose constantly asking,
"Can we keep him, can we keep him?"
- [Washington] For whatever
it's worth, thanks.
- [Grif] So, looks like Blue
Team has a new recruit, Sarge.
- [Simmons] Doesn't look so tough to me.
- [Sarge] Maybe this one can shoot.
Come on, fellas, let's go home.
- [Grif] Uh, Jeep's busted,
Sarge, are we walking?
- [Sarge] That depends,
you fellas gotten over
your fear of flyin' yet?
- Yes, sir!
(tense dramatic music)
- [Grif] Zoink!
- [Soldier] Hey, you can't take
that, that's UNSC property!
Come back here, hey come
on, I'm gonna lose my job!
- [Simmons] I hope this doesn't
go on our permanent record!
- [Soldier] Hey, chief,
what do you want me to do
with this thing?
I can't get anything out of
it, it's dead as a doornail.
- [Soldier] I don't care,
toss it in evidence,
it's all a bunch of junk now anyway.
- [Church] I'd like to say
that I found her right away.
That I just walked into the Epsilon Unit,
and there she was, waiting for me.
As you can probably guess,
it didn't happen that way,
but I know she's in here
somewhere, and I'll find her.
We always seem to find each
other, for better or for worse.
I don't know why the
Director did what he did.
I don't know if he was
trying to revive a memory
from his past, or if he was
just trying to get it out
of his head.
But I figured out something
that the Director didn't.
It took Alpha, Delta, and
all the rest to help piece it
together for me, but
what I've learned is that
a great love is a lot like a good memory.
When it's there, and you know it's there,
but it's just out of your reach,
it can be all that you think about.
You can focus on it, and try to force it,
but the more you do, the more
you seem to push it away.
But if you're patient, and you hold still,
well, maybe, just maybe,
(uptempo dramatic music)
it'll come to you.
I just need to make sure I'm
somewhere that she can find me.
I think this place is a little
different than it was before.
See, out there, everything
is based on the Alpha.
But in here, well, I guess I'm the Alpha.
And maybe this time through,
things will be a little
different for me as well.
I guess I'll find out.
- [Tucker] Hey, Church, come on.
I think the Reds got a new
vehicle, let's check it out!
- [Caboose] They only got
a Jeep, we got a tank,
that's way better!
(birds chirping)
- [Church] Okay, I'll be right there!
And I mean, hell,
If you have to live the rest
of your life in a memory,
you might as well make it a good one.
(uptempo dramatic music)
("Red vs Blue" by Jeff Williams)
♪ Tell me why you're here ♪
♪ You could walk away right now ♪
♪ No-one would stop you ♪
♪ You're free to choose your own way ♪
♪ Don't be afraid of the choice
you make it's all right ♪
♪ Questions remain ♪
♪ They will linger on like memories ♪
♪ Were you right to ♪
♪ Give your life to ♪
♪ Someone else to run it for you ♪
♪ Do you wish you ♪
♪ Kept your life to be somebody ♪
♪ Good to conquer evil ♪
♪ Lies to fight the truth ♪
♪ Are any of us only saints or sinners ♪
♪ Or is it always red versus blue ♪
♪ Good to conquer evil ♪
♪ Lies to fight the truth ♪
♪ Are any of us only saints or sinners ♪
♪ Or is it always red versus blue ♪