Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - You Can't Park Here - full transcript
A large Dropship carrying a mysterious new solider lands on Donut.
(upbeat music)
(hammering)
(glass breaking)
- Hey, Doc, what the
hell's going on in there?
- Church, everything's fine.
The patient is just resting.
- Doesn't sound like he's resting.
- That's not Tucker.
That's our new arrival.
- Blarg!
- He's got a lot of energy
since his first feeding.
- Tucker fed the baby?
Gross.
- Actually, Caboose was kind
enough to donate some blood.
You know what they say,
it takes a village.
- How'd you get him to agree to that?
- It's amazing what Caboose
will do if you promise him a
cookie and a glass of orange juice.
- Blarg! Honk!
- But he hates needles.
- No needles.
It turns out if you just
expose some bare skin, the
little guy just digs right in.
It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
- I feel dizzy.
- Um, is he going to be OK?
- Tucker's kid drank
half a gallon in one go.
Isn't that cool?
- Honk.
- I think he's going to be a linebacker.
Or a vampire.
Or a vampire linebacker!
That would be crazy.
- Oooh.
- Anyway, blood is pretty
important, so Caboose is bound
to have some side effects,
like dizziness or nausea or
sensitivity to light.
- I think I'm going to
stop standing up now.
- Or passing out.
- Church, if I die, I want
you to have my orange juice.
(Junior shouting)
- How can Tucker sleep
with all that racket?
- Sleeping? He's not sleeping.
He's in a coma.
- All right, that's it.
Get out of the way, Doc.
I'll take care of this.
- I can't feel my torso.
- I don't think so.
A newborn is really
susceptible to infection and
disease and cuddling.
I only want to expose it to
as few people as possible.
- Doc, don't worry.
I'm not going to give it a cold.
I'm just going to go in
there, step on its neck,
and shoot it in the head.
Because that's how I roll.
- Well now you're
definitely not coming in.
And I think we're going to
send back your shower gift,
too.
- I'm still laying here.
Why won't anyone help me?
- I'll tell you what.
I promise to wash my
hands before I destroy the
abomination of nature, OK?
- Sorry.
- Doc, seriously, you
can't keep me from going
inside my own base.
- Church, don't make me pull rank on you.
- Rank? What the fuck?
I outrank, you don't outrank me.
I'm a captain.
- No, you're a private
with a dead captain.
The last time I checked,
that makes you a private.
With a dead captain.
- My body is trying to die.
- OK, fine. Then we're both privates.
You don't outrank me.
- No, I'm medical
super-private, first class.
- That's not a real rank.
- Yes, it is.
- Since when?
- Uh, since I sent them a
letter every day for four
years requesting that promotion.
- Blarg!
- They promoted you for that?
You haven't even used your weapon!
- Leadership isn't
about firing bullets and
stabbing people, Church.
Leadership is about
being able to tell others
to fire bullets and stab people.
- If I've been bitten, does
that mean I'm going to turn
into one of them?
- Shut up, Caboose.
- Blarg.
- Shut up, Caboose.
- Oh no, don't let me turn.
(crashing noise)
- What the hell was that?
- I didn't feel anything.
- I'll be right back.
Don't feed anymore of our
soldiers to the alien.
- OK, but I can't make any promises.
- Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.
- Oh, shut up, Caboose.
- Now he's cursing at me.
- Simmons, status report (coughing).
- Um, an enormous thing just
fell out of the sky, and it
landed on Donut, sir.
- (cough) Are there any other injuries?
- No, sir.
- Are you sure?
- I think so.
- Are you sure?
No one accidentally got shot
in the face when someone
else's shotgun just
accidentally went off during
the incredible distraction
of a spaceship crash landing,
purely by coincidence?
- Uh, I don't know-
- No one orange?
- Ugh, I'm fine.
- Sorry, sir.
- I really need to adjust
the sights on this thing.
- What about Private Donut, sir?
There's no way he survived that.
Poor Donut.
I'll miss him like a sister.
- I'll miss him like,
well, like someone I knew, but
that I don't really want to
reflect on how deep our relationship went.
(tapping)
- Wait a second.
Do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.
- All I hear is you
guys talking about your
feelings for Donut.
And I have to say, I'm not
really comfortable with that.
- Listen. There it is again.
- You're absolutely right.
That sounds like Morris code.
- Um, excuse me, sir.
It's actually not Morris code.
It's Morse code, sir.
- Morse?
(laughing) That sounds ridiculous.
I don't think so.
- Yes.
Morse is the person who
developed an international
code for communicating without audio.
Morris was a television
cat that sold cat food.
- And that cat was one of
our finest military minds.
Don't you see?
That just means Donut is alive
and trying to contact us.
Now get to tapping.
- Maybe we can lift the
ship off of him somehow.
- Great idea, Simmons.
I've read reports that people
can get enormous strength in
stressful situations.
There was one woman who
lifted a car off her baby.
- You want me to call Donut's mother?
- Don't make me angry, Grif.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Now if only there were some
way to tap into our inner
rage, like that Hulk fella.
Dagnabbit, there's never any
gamma radiation around when
you need it.
- Well, what if we tried
getting into the ship and
lowering the landing gear?
That might raise the ship.
- Or we could build an army
of clones that could lift the
ship.
- I think the jack in the
Warthog might be able to lift
it.
- Could develop a machine
that shrinks the ship, or that
makes Donut gigantic!
Or both.
- Or we could try digging
underneath the hull.
- I've got it!
A levitation ray.
I think I have a spare in the base.
I'll be right back.
- But sir!
- Simmons, there's no time to chat about
your crackpot theories.
This is a crisis situation.
Time to save us all with science.
- (sigh) Sarge just drove
away with our jack, didn't he?
- And our shovels.
Sometimes I'm amazed our
entire platoon hasn't starved
to death.
- What the fuck are you guys
doing out here, breaking the
canyon?
- Fuck off, Blue.
A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
- What, this ship?
- No, another ship.
Then that ship left,
and this ship crashed in
the exact same spot.
- Where did it come from?
- It's a spaceship.
It came from space.
- Dibs.
- What?
- Dibs.
I just called dibs.
This is my ship now.
Dibs.
- No it isn't, jackass.
We found it first.
- Yeah, but you didn't call dibs.
I did. Dibs.
See?
- You can't call dibs on a spaceship.
That's ridiculous.
- Yeah, yes I can.
Dibs. See?
I just did it again.
Now, get the fuck away
from my ship, tomato can.
- Don't call me tomato can.
- Try and take it, then.
- Um, OK.
Sheila?
- You bet.
- Fuck.
- You forgot about that, too, didn't you?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Now step away from the ship, tomato can.
- Ha ha, tomato can.
- You, too, lemon head.
- Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
(laughing)
(tapping)
- What the hell is that tapping noise?
It sounds like Morris code.
- Morse.
- Sheila, if he corrects me
again, please make him blow up.
- Ha ha, sounds like fun.
- Well, what does it say?
- It says "tap tap tap." We don't know.
- We were trying to translate
it when you showed up and
interrupted us.
- No, when I interrupted you,
you were standing around doing
nothing, just like the last 50
times I interrupted you guys.
(tapping)
- Oh, wait, wait, wait. Listen, listen.
Listen.
It says, "Red sucks balls."
Hey, look, my new ship can talk.
And it knows things. That's a good ship.
- It's not your ship. It's our ship.
We called it, and it came.
- I don't know. I don't
see any markings on it.
- It landed on Donut.
- That was fantastic.
- How in the heck would that
mean, oh, wait, the pink guy?
Oh, I actually liked him.
- Seriously, what's with all
these feelings for Donut?
- You can't have the ship.
- I'm not asking for it.
It's already mine.
Right, Sheila?
- Actually, I kind of like it.
I think it is mine.
- Hey, are you OK?
- I think there's something
wrong with the tank.
- Yeah, I noticed.
- I've got an idea.
- Whoa. Hold on a second.
Before you get too deep into
this, let me remind you that
we don't exactly have a good
track record when it comes to
our plans and that tank.
- Come on, Grif.
I think the tank's malfunctioning.
- Well, only one part of it
has to function for me to get
turned into a cloud of orange mist.
- OK, just be cool.
- I am cool. You be cool.
- Bad news, fellas.
I couldn't find that levitation ray.
But I did find the remote
control to, hey, what's going
on out here?
What do you think you're
doing, you lousy Blue?
- I'm just trying to figure
out what the deal is with this
spaceship.
- Dibs!
- Too late.
- Dagnabbit.
Why do ever leave you
two to guard anything?
Everybody knows about the
international dibs protocol!
And the no take-backs accord.
- See, guys? This is our ship.
And by ours, I mean mine
and my 80-ton friend.
- Bye, everyone.
- Um-
(guns cocking)
- I'm gonna be right back.
(Sheila laughing)
- Hey, Blue! You know that
ship you called dibs on?
Well, I got next.
Ha!
Now the ship is mine again!
- Excellent strategy, sir.
- Jesus. Remember we used to
solve problems with violence?
Ah, the good old days.
- Caboose, where's Doc?
- Doc left.
Took the baby for a walk.
It's growing up so fast.
Seems like just yesterday, he was born.
- Well, actually, that's
because he was born today.
Like, an hour ago.
- We need to cherish these times.
I wish I knew how to scrapbook.
- Where's Tucker?
- Still in a coma.
- Great.
Tucker's out, Sheila's on
the fritz, and now Doc is
babysitting.
Caboose, if we survive the
next five minutes, I'll be
fucking amazed.
- I'm fine, by the way.
Don't worry about me.
I'm so cold.
- Quit your yammering.
Now let's see if we can
get this thing moving.
I was thinking about our
discussion earlier, and-
- And you decided to use one of my ideas?
- Of course not.
I've got a new, much more realistic plan
for lifting the ship.
If Donut is underneath, all
we need to do is enrage him to
the point where he can lift the ship,
and our work is done.
Now quick, help me think.
What would make Donut furious?
- I don't know.
Have you tried sharing your plan with him?
That'd probably do it.
- Hey, Donut.
I was back at the base, reading some of
your fashion mags.
They said that pink is
no longer the new black.
Turns out black is the new
black, and pink is the old
black, which is now white.
And it's after Labor Day.
You know what that means.
- Oh, dear god.
- Also, we needed to do some
minor rust repairs on the
Warthog's drivetrain.
The bad news is that the only
lubricants I could find were
your imported hand creams.
The good news is, the jeep
now smells like lilacs.
Rusty metal lilacs.
- This has got to be the-
- Yeah, this doesn't seem to be working.
All right, time for Plan B.
- Break into the ship and
see if we can raise it-
- No, Plan B is to try to
induce superpowers in Grif.
Simmons, get my jar of radioactive
spiders out of the Warthog.
Come here, Grif. I need
to borrow your neck.
(metallic scraping)
- Did you just hear that?
- Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working!
Quick, Grif, give me a list
of the latest celebrity breakups!
Simmons, help me out!
- Hey, Donut, I heard they
canceled daytime television.
- Hey, Donut, command called.
They rejected your new definition
for "fire in the hole."
They're gonna stick with the old one.
- Oh, Donut, I heard that the
Winter Olympics is gonna focus
even more on snowboarding next time.
- I can't take this.
I'm gonna go watch some football.
- Grif's been using your
paisley thong as a slingshot.
- Hey, Doc.
We got problems, man.
I need to call command.
Hello?
Earth to Doc?
I mean, this place to Doc.
- Don't you want to say
hello to our new friend?
- What?
- Hawp?
- I don't-
I- I can't-
I can't- I don't-
this is-
- Take your time.
This is a big moment.
- Blarg.
- I can't deal with this right now.
- Hah.
- Shut up. You're disgusting.
Doc, what is Vic's number?
- What for?
- For reinforcements.
Wait, unless you've had, like,
specialized combat training
in the last 10 minutes.
- Uh, nope.
- Then yeah, reinforcements.
- Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.
- That doesn't count.
- I don't know.
It was a real doozy.
Number two.
- Doc, focus.
Vic's number, what is it?
- Come on, Church.
Everybody remembers Vic's number.
Didn't he ever teach you the song?
- Oh, right.
Vic's jingle.
- If you want to talk,
don't email, and don't
you click, click, click, click.
Just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K.
- You know, it probably
would have been more
memorable if it rhymed,
or if his name actually ended in a K.
- Oh, music is a great
way to learn things.
That's how I studied for the MCAT.
- You passed the MCAT?
- (laughing) Not even close.
But you should really hear
my rendition of the Kelly
Clarkson song "Miss Independence."
It teaches you all about
the lymphatic systems.
Dome dah dome, lymphatic system.
- Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.
- Honk.
- And do me a favor. Kill
that fucking thing, would you?
- Blarg.
- Hey, dude. Vic.
- Hey, it's Church.
- This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K, doodly do.
I'm not in the casita right
now, so leave your lowdown at
the ding-dong.
Hasta.
(beep)
- Hey, Vic. This is Church.
I need to-
- You have reached the voice mail system.
- OK, OK, come on.
- To leave a message, just wait for
the tone.
- I know how to leave a goddamn message.
- When you are finished
recording, just hang up, or
press pound for more options.
- Really, hang up?
No shit.
I was just gonna keep talking
until he decided to check his
voice mail.
- For delivery options, press 5.
- Just give me the damn beep!
- To leave a callback
number, press 8.
To page this person, press 6.
- Come on!
- To repeat this message, press 9.
- I will fucking stab
you, computer phone lady!
(tapping)
- That tapping is going
to drive me insane.
We either need to get Donut
out of there or find a way to
kill him.
- Donut, can you please stop tapping?
We heard you.
You're crushed, and
you're in mortal danger.
We get it.
- I can feel the tapping in my brain.
- Well, I have to admit it.
I'm stumped.
I have no idea how to get him out.
- Jesus!
How long would it take
him to starve to death?
When was the last time he ate?
- Sarge, didn't you once tell
me you built self-destruct
mechanisms into our armor?
Can't you just use Donut's?
- No, sadly that's just you, Grif.
Although I could activate
yours if you'd like.
- How would that help?
- Well, the situation would
be a little less annoying.
- You want me to get the
activation code, sir?
- Eh, the activation code
is just "activation code."
Keep it simple.
- I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
(tapping)
- Oh my god.
Is it getting louder?
I bet the Blues don't have to put up with
annoying this annoying.
- To mark this message as urgent,
press 11.
- There is no 11, you fucking whore!
- Ooh, language.
- Men, it pains me as your
leader to say this, but I
think we need to admit defeat.
Years of experience on the
battlefield, and I've finally
met my match.
I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship.
A ship full of enemies, maybe, but never
just the ship itself.
Bravo, ship.
Bravo.
- Don't give up yet, sir.
I'm sure we can find a way to-
- Ah, Simmons, it's hopeless.
Let's start assigning
duties for our retreat.
- Uh, sir.
- Simmons, you can pack
up all the toiletries
and remaining MREs.
But make sure not to mix them
up, or we'll never be able to
tell them apart again.
- Sir, you really should turn around.
- Sure, and give the ship
a chance to rub it in.
No dice.
(beep)
- Vic, it's Church.
I need to-
- I'm sorry, but this person's voice
mailbox is full.
- Ugh. I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna kill myself.
- Uh, what was all that about?
- Doc, we are royally screwed.
Half our team is down, and I think-
- No it's not.
Look.
Caboose is already back in action.
- I'm OK.
I'm OK.
I'm not OK.
- He's fine.
- Like I was saying,
half the team is down.
And the half that's left, sucks.
So all the reds need to do
is attack us, and we're dead.
- Honk.
- Oh, right.
And I have to kill this fucking thing.
- Also, I see a big ship.
Now I know I'm hallucinating.
- Oh, and I forgot that part.
The Reds also have an
enormous ship that was
sent by their command.
Probably has a huge fucking
weapon on it, like a nuke or a
biological weapon that's going
to melt our skin or a genetic
weapon that's going to make everyone
in blue armor sterile.
Awesome.
- Hmm.
Maybe this isn't the best
time to remind you that
technically, I'm neutral in this conflict.
- Doc, I don't think this situation
could get much worse.
I mean, the ship is bad
enough, but god knows what
kind of reinforcements
they have in that thing.
It could be a whole new
squad or a Freelancer or-
- Grif's sister?
- Yeah.
Isn't that cool?
- You know, I always knew
there was a genetic possibility
that Grif would have blood relatives.
But I always held onto the
hope that he was the horrible
byproduct of an experiment at
a turd manufacturing plant.
- Go home.
- What?
- Go home right now.
Get in your ship, uncrash
it, and fly it home.
- Whatever.
Make me.
- As much as I don't want
to spoil my reputation as a
do-nothing slacker I will not
hesitate to beat you senseless
and drop you in that ship myself.
- I thought you would be happy to see me.
- How did you even get here?
We're in the future.
- Hmm.
I think I know how.
Did you use your hyperdrive
to get here, or just the light
drive?
- Which one is the hippy drive?
Is that the one with all the
knobs, or is it the other one
with all the knobs?
- Yeah.
She probably came here
just using the light drive.
And as Einstein theorized
in his theory of relativity-
- English.
- When you travel near the
speed of light, time slows
down for you.
Essentially, she came forward
in time by traveling at light
speed.
- That's stupid.
- No, that's science.
- Didn't you ever read the
famous science fiction story
where the astronaut watches
his baby son being born, but
then he gets in a ship-
- No.
- Well, did you ever read the one where-
- No.
- How about-
- I didn't read any of them.
- Hey.
Who's the nerd?
- Excuse me.
I'm not a nerd.
My mom says there's nothing
shameful about being smart.
- All right, missy, there's
just one thing I don't get.
How'd you join the Army?
- What do you mean?
I just signed up.
- But you're a,
you know, you got lady parts.
- So?
- So unless this is the
cooking and sewing army-
- No, I meant to join the real Army.
- Does your gun shoot brownies?
- What?
- You'll have to excuse Sarge.
He comes from the old school.
- Thanks.
By the way, nobody says
old school anymore.
Actually, they told me I was
too young, so I grabbed an
extra suit of armor and boosted a shuttle.
- Glad you learned something from me.
- (laughing) No.
I'm just kidding.
I always wanted to do something like that.
- But why did you join the Army?
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- Well, you always looked after
me when Mom ran away to join
the circus.
- Wait a second. Hold on.
Your mom is in the circus?
You know, at first I didn't
like you, but you've already
made my insults 45% more
efficient by just saying one
sentence.
- Was your mom a flaming sword swallower?
We could use somebody to replace Donut.
- Nope.
You know how circuses have a
bearded lady and a fat lady?
Well, my mom plays both,
because she's, like, super
talented.
- Oh my god.
Is it OK if I record everything you say?
- Sure!
Anyway, Grif always looked
after me, but when he went
away, I didn't want to be alone.
- OK, let me get this straight.
You felt scared being alone,
so you decided to join a war.
- She's a Grif, all right.
- Wait a minute.
She was the one who was tapping.
- Duh.
- Yeah.
I was wondering why
you guys didn't answer.
- None of us know Morse code.
It's outdated.
- Don't you mean old school?
- No, don't you get it?
If she was the one tapping,
then what happened to Donut?
- A baby?
Wait up.
I want to see.
- Donut, get back here.
Wait for the ship.
- But Sarge, we don't
know when the ship is
gonna get here.
It's coming all the way from Earth.
That could take days or weeks
or months or even years.
(crash)
(shouting)
(crumple)
- Ow.
- See him there?
Right there, the yellow one.
- The one next to Simmons.
That's Grif.
- The other yellow one.
Dumbass.
- Oh, that new yellow person.
Oh, yes, of course, yes.
Uh, he looks very scary, yes,
and I know that because I am
looking right at him right now.
Yes.
He's yellow.
This is very interesting.
- (sigh) You don't even see him, do you?
- Yeah, I don't even know
how to use this thing.
- Oh man.
This is no good.
Yellow armor.
What does yellow armor mean?
Is it like some kind
of special ops guy or,
man, this can't be good for us.
- What if it's a new gun?
- What?
Why am I even talking to you?
It's a person in yellow armor.
We already established that.
- Oh, no, wait.
Maybe they got their own medic.
- A medic?
Caboose, we're not that lucky.
- See, my suit is purple.
Can you say purple?
Purple.
- Hawp?
- Honk.
- Great.
Once we learn all the colors,
we'll learn why you shouldn't
judge people by them.
- The cool thing is
that I was lucky enough
to get sent here.
They said your commander died,
and I needed to replace the
missing man.
- What?
Our commander's not dead.
I'm our commander.
- And an excellent one at that, sir.
- Thank you, Simmons.
- Yeah.
Your commander died.
And one of the troops
is going to be promoted,
and I was sent to replace
the missing troop.
- Wait, what's this about a promotion?
- Sounds like command
made some kind of mistake.
- I don't know, Sarge.
I thought you said command
never makes mistakes.
That must mean you're dead.
- Seriously, what was the promotion thing?
I'm sure I heard something
about someone getting
promoted.
- They said one of your troops
will be promoted to replace
your dead CO.
- One in particular?
One like me?
A maroon one?
- Hey, you're really scary.
That's kinda hot.
- Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.
- Don't be stupid, Grif.
How can I be dead if
I'm standing right here?
- Well, if command was wrong
about you dying, Sarge,
couldn't they be wrong
about other stuff, too?
Like, like what if the Blues don't suck?
(gasp)
What if the Blues are awesome?
This changes everything!
- Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today to pay our
final respects to Sarge.
- But I was so young!
And violent.
- And that's what makes this so tragic.
- Yeah, that guy is definitely
some kind of special forces.
He's probably trained in knives or
ball-kicking or something.
- Maybe he's an alien.
- An alien that looks
just like the rest of us?
- And that is the scariest kind of alien.
- Why are you even here?
It would be easier for me to
just call random people on the
phone and talk to them about this.
They would understand
the situation better.
- Ugh.
(muttering)
- Oh, well, look who's awake.
- What the fuck happened?
- Oh, well.
Um, uh, as you may remember,
uh, you were impregnated by an
alien visitor who was on a
noble mission to save his
entire species from-
- Can I get the short version of this?
- Yeah.
You got knocked up.
You got knocked out.
- Oh, right. I need to start working out.
Lose this baby weight.
- Yeah, you know, we, we
should all start working out,
you know, uh, especially some of us.
- Yeah, some of us seem to
have let ourselves go more than
others.
- Are you guys talking about me?
- We, uh, didn't want to say anything.
- Yeah, that's why we said something.
Fatty.
- Hey, back off, guys.
I've been under a lot of stress.
I've been carrying this
whole fucking team.
- Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?
- He said it.
- What are you guys doing up here, anyway?
And what's that huge thing?
- That's Church.
- He means the ship, Caboose!
- He said it.
- The Reds called in a ship,
and it landed on Donut.
Now they've got new
hardware and a new soldier.
- Who, that girl?
- What, girl?
That's a girl?
- Duh.
The yellow one, right?
The one talking to Simmons?
- Wow, you have really good eyes.
- I have to.
I never get to use the
fucking sniper rifle.
- You're positive that's a girl.
How can you be sure?
- Dude, look who you're talking to.
- And now, Grif has asked to
say a few things about our
beloved Sarge.
- Hey, everybody.
It's great to be here.
Well, what can I say
about a guy like Sarge?
I mean, besides good riddance.
Hey-oh!
(laughter)
- Yeah.
- But seriously, Sarge lived a great life.
And now that he's dead, our
lives are pretty good, too.
Zing!
(laughing)
You know what I'm talking about.
- Come on, is this a
remembrance or a roast?
- Quiet in the front row.
And I'm not asking, and he's
not telling, but I heard when
Donut first came to the base,
Sarge spent a lot of time
talking about glazed donut holes, if
you know what I mean.
Hiyo!
- Too soon.
- Hey now.
- This is the worst funeral I've ever had.
You losers better step
up the crying, pronto.
- Oh, don't worry, sir.
I've written a stirring
speech that's sure to tug at
everyone's heart strings.
- Good to hear it.
Now get with the eulogizing.
- On it, sir.
- And who could forget the
time Sarge showed us all how to
field-strip Simmons-
- OK, that's enough.
I said five minutes, Grif.
- Bye, everybody.
I'll be appearing at the
Laugh Cavern every Tuesday.
Ladies drink free.
- Woo-hoo!
- Not you.
- Aw.
- OK, whatever. Get off.
Hello, everyone.
I'm here to say a few words
about our friend Sarge.
- Boo!
You suck.
- Grif, get off the stage.
- Uh, sorry.
- OK, like I was saying, I'm here to say a
few words about Sarge.
- Boo!
You suck!
- As you all know, Sarge
was a magnificent leader,
and he was a great
inspiration to all his troops.
- Simmons was right.
This is so emotional.
Where's my hanky?
- He was a man of honor,
discipline, and character.
- It's like he's saying
what we're all thinking.
- If he was saying what I'm
thinking, he'd be yawning, is
all I'm saying.
- But perhaps his greatest accomplishment
as a military man-
- Tell it!
- And a friend-
- Preach on, preach on!
- Was developing my
considerable skills as a
soldier and a leader.
- What?
- As you all know, Sarge's
untimely demise leaves a gap
in our command structure, a
gap that is best filled by
Sarge's right-hand man, a man that has a
vision for the Red Team.
- Sarge, is, is he campaigning
for your job at your funeral?
Classy.
- The Red Army is faced with
a difficult choice, the choice
of who will lead us to glorious victory.
Let's hope they choose a great
candidate, a candidate whose
armor is actually a shade of red.
Sarge would have wanted it that way.
Choose Simmons.
It's the only thing Sarge
did in life, so don't let his
whole existence be in vain.
In closing, somebody died.
Vote for me.
- Awesome speech.
- Is this the kind of
thing you guys do all day?
- Pretty much.
Just run with it.
It's the only thing that keeps you from
going insane from boredom.
- Yeah.
Or we could raid the medical
supplies for morphine.
- Yeah.
Wait, what?
- Hey, Sister, you're up.
- Awesome.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again?
I just thought of a swear word
that rhymes with Kentucky.
- You couldn't even wait for
me to be buried, could you?
- Your death was in the past, Sarge.
And we need to look to the
future, a future filled with
Simmons.
- Hey, everybody.
Um, I'm new here, and I didn't
know Sergeant very well, but
he was really old, and that's gross.
- Ha ha, I wrote that line.
- Grif, let other people
have the spotlight for once.
- Anyway, when you're old and
gross, you're probably going
to die, and that's kind of sad.
But when you think about
it, all your friends are
probably dead, too.
And if they're not, then
they're definitely old, and
knowing old people is even
sadder than being dead.
So anyway, whatever.
Peace out.
- This is a miserable
excuse for a ceremony.
Where's the flag folding?
Where's the 21-gun salute?
- Sir, the flag is an important
part of our inventory.
We can't just go around having
impromptu foldings because we
feel like it.
- And I was in charge
of the 21-gun salute.
Unfortunately, we don't have 21 guns.
So you'll have to settle for what I call
the double-bun salute.
It starts in just a few moments.
- (sigh) I'll just get in my grave now.
- So this is it, Tucker.
This is your little
monstrosity, your little
abomination of nature.
- Uh, what do I do?
- Why are you asking me?
- I don't know how to be a dad.
This isn't the way I planned it.
- You planned this?
Tucker, I had no idea.
- No, no.
I mean, I always wanted to
have the ideal father/son
relationship.
You know, where I see him for
like eight hours every other
weekend and send checks
to some woman I hate.
- It's emotional conversations like this
that make me miss my mom.
- All right, look.
Let's leave these two alone,
let them do a little bonding.
- Hey, don't leave me here with him.
What am I supposed to say?
- Ask him if he likes baseball.
- It's an alien baby, Caboose.
- Ask him if he likes tee ball.
- Alien, Caboose.
Alien was the key word in that sentence.
- Seriously, don't go.
I don't even know where to start.
- Tucker, he's part of an alien race
whose only purpose seems
to be to tell huge, grandiose
lies to people so that they
can seduce them and then impregnate them.
So why don't you start with that?
You know, common ground.
- Yeah, I think I'll
just stick to baseball.
- Tell him about how his dad
got to third base with you.
- Caboose!
- So how much oxygen do you
think Sarge has in his suit?
- Oxygen?
- Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.
- Oh, you know, probably like
three hours, depending on his
level of activity.
- He's buried six feet underground.
I don't think he's got
much chance for activities.
- Well, I don't think you're an authority.
- An authority?
We didn't even use a coffin.
We just threw a bunch of dirt on him.
- No.
I threw a bunch of dirt on him.
You two only pretended to help
and made a bunch of digging
noises with your mouth.
- You know that trick?
- I learned from the best.
- Well, as your new commander,
you're both going to learn a
little discipline.
And we're going to start by
running laps around the base.
Sister, you can do girly laps.
- You mean after we dig up Sarge.
- No, I mean right now, Grif.
- What are girly laps?
- Hey, Simmons, I don't think
Sarge is going to like you
picking up his shotgun.
(cocking shotgun)
- And I really don't
think he's gonna like you
threatening me with it.
Well, OK, he might like that part.
- As the new leader, what I say goes.
So everyone needs to
start running right now.
- But what about Sarge?
- You heard what command said.
Sarge is dead.
He died of, what'd he die of?
- Aspirin overdoese.
- See, Sarge is dead of
a, an aspirin overdose?
Really?
- I know. I didn't think it was possible.
And trust me, I've tried.
- Yeah. Wait, what?
- Simmons, don't be stupid.
He's not dead.
He's just lying underground,
covered in dirt.
- If I say he's dead, he's dead.
I'm the leader. Me.
And being a leader means you
have to make tough decisions.
Like just for talking back,
you can't do girly laps.
- You've gone blind with
imaginary power, Simmons.
- Oh, on the contrary.
I think I've gone blind
with very real power.
- Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?
- Both of you, shut up.
You're running.
I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.
- Why are you calling Red Command?
- For confirmation.
Stop asking questions.
- You keep talking about them.
Why don't you call our guys?
- Our guys?
- Yeah.
The Blue guys.
- Excuse me?
The whazzawha?
- The Blue guys.
The guys that sent me
here in the big ship.
- Grif?
- Uh, yeah.
This might be a bad time to
bring up the fact that my
sister is color-blind.
- What?
- I don't get it.
What's the gray guy so upset about?
- But girls can't be color-blind!
- Yeah?
Well, they say girls
can't ejaculate, either.
But guess what?
- Yeah. Wait, what?
- I can't believe it.
With such a simple espionage
plan, the Blues have decimated
our forces.
Quick, quick, get me a shovel.
Oh, Sarge is going to be pissed.
- Hey, Simmons, if she's not
here for Sarge, who the hell
is she here to replace?
(Donut groaning)
- What happened?
Where am I?
Oh, maybe they know.
But it might be rude to wake them up.
I'll just wait here a while.
- Oh my god, what's wrong with you?
Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?
- Because.
- And don't say because nobody asked.
- But nobody did ask.
- God damn it.
- So what if she is a Blue?
We'll still keep her.
- We can't do that.
She's on the other team.
She'll kill us in our
sleep if we keep her.
- Do I get to do that?
That would be awesome!
- No, she wouldn't.
Besides, she's color-blind.
We'll just tell her we're Blues.
- Uh, hello.
We already told her we're Red?
Idiot.
- Yeah, well she's fucking dumb, too.
Hey, we're Blue now.
- Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
Let's win!
- See?
- Oh, please. She'll figure it out.
- No, she won't.
In high school, she got kicked
off of the cheerleading squad
three times for rooting
for the wrong team.
- No, she can't stay.
I know. We'll tell the Blues
that we took her prisoner.
Maybe we can get something
out of this mess.
- No way. We can't send her over there.
They'll kill her.
- Why would they kill her, Grif?
She's blue.
It's not like the Blue team goes around
killing its own members.
- Oh, right, because she's a Blue.
And if she's over there, then
the only people that would be
trying to kill her would be us.
- Exactly.
- And that means she'd be
safe because we're like the
shittiest team ever.
- Well, I don't know about that.
As our new leader, I have
some pretty bold plans-
- But you're not the leader.
It was a misunderstanding.
You're the guy who buried our leader.
- You helped. We're in this together.
- No, I made digging noises with my mouth.
Remember?
- Oh god! Get me a shovel!
- Yeah.
Um, OK, you're a Blue.
- Touchdown!
Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
- No, I mean, we're Red, but you're Blue.
That means you've gotta get
out of here before Simmons
digs up Sarge.
- I love digging!
I want to help.
- No. You're leaving.
- Where are we going?
- The other base.
- The Red base?
- No, the Blue base.
- We have two bases?
Awesome.
- Move.
- Hey, have you guys seen Doc?
I need him to babysit for a while.
- Yeah, I got him talking to Sheila.
She's been acting real wacky lately.
- Oh yeah? You mean weirder
than your average talking tank?
- Don't be snarky.
- Sorry, dude.
It's the hormones.
I just had a baby.
- Yeah, Sheila's been acting
kind of distant and weird.
Plus she's been saying these
random threatening things.
Kind of reminds me of somebody else.
- So why is Doc talking to her?
- What, you didn't hear the
threatening part I just said?
I'm not going over there.
- Why not send Caboose?
Aren't they, like, in love or something?
- Dude, I have had about all
the cross-species babies that
I can take for a while.
The last thing I need is a
junior Caboose running around
with a 130-millimeter cannon for a head.
Your little devil spawn is enough for me.
- Don't talk about my kid like that!
- What's your deal?
- I don't know.
I think I'm kind of getting into this
whole parenting thing.
I caught myself looking
at minivans the other day.
Bleugh.
- Of course you are.
That's why you need a
babysitter for a newborn.
I'll be sure to nominate
you for dad of the year.
- Don't judge me.
- Anyways, Doc's gonna figure
out what's wrong with her and
give her a little tune-up.
- But Doc's not a mechanic. He's a doctor.
Not a doctor, a medic.
Well, I guess he's not really
a medic, either, because he's
never really helped anyone.
He's just some annoying
guy that we know who
wears purple armor,
who's annoying.
Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.
- I know.
I figure Doc's mechanic skills
are probably about as bad as
his first aid skills.
He's either gonna fix her
by accident or make her
completely inoperable.
And then I can go down
there and figure out what's
really going on.
Either way, I win.
Oh, he might also get blown up by her.
That's also good.
- Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a
good idea after all.
Let's try some deep breathing.
In through the air filter,
out through the manifold.
In through the air filter,
out through the manifold.
Uh, OK.
Why don't we try some aversion therapy?
Think about something
that makes you really
angry that isn't me.
- Sure.
- Uh, yeah.
I don't feel as good about
my plan as I used to.
- Hey Blues!
- Oh crap, here we go.
They must have figured
out how fucked up our
team is right now.
Oh shit.
They even brought their new guy.
- Girl.
- Whatever!
Just play along.
Act like our team is OK, and we have
everything under control.
- Please, I've been putting on
that act for like three years
now.
- What do you want, Red?
- I got a prisoner for you.
- What'd he say?
- He says he as a prisoner for us.
- Oh, what, they're
giving us prisoners now?
Dude, that sounds like bullshit.
I smell a trap.
- Reds aren't that smart.
- OK, normally, I would agree with that.
But this is the orange one.
He's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.
- Like you?
Shit, then do I have time to
put in my ear plugs and hide
all our food?
- Up yours, dickhead.
Why would they want to
give us one of their guys?
- Why are you asking me?
- Oh, right. Why are you
giving us one of your guys
as a prisoner?
- She's one of your guys.
She came to our side by mistake.
What's their deal?
Why aren't they going for this?
We have to hurry.
I gotta get back before
Simmons digs up Sarge.
- I don't buy this.
What do you want for her?
- Um, nothing.
It was, it was an honest mistake.
Uh, you can have her back now.
No harm, no foul.
Look, can we hurry this up?
- Yeah, this is bullshit.
- Ask for something else.
- Uh, we want something else.
- What?
I'm releasing a hostage!
You don't negotiate up from there.
- Got any money?
- Fuck you, dude!
Get going.
Call me if you have any
problems and don't go near any
Reds from now one.
I'll try to keep our team
distracted so they can't
attack you.
Whatever you do, don't
embarrass the family.
Think of Mom.
- Don't do me any favors, bitch.
- What else was on the ship?
- What do you mean?
- Yeah, like guns or weapons.
- Or snacks!
Dude, I'm just asking
'cause I know you wanted to.
- Nope, just the girl.
Sorry.
There weren't any more
aliens for you guys to fuck.
- That's OK.
We can still fuck this one.
- Woo-hoo!
- God dammit!
Never mind. Just send her back.
- No take-backs.
- Aw, what the fuck?
- Oh my god, Grif, he's gone!
- Who's gone?
- Sarge. He's missing.
I dug up his grave, and he's not in there.
- What?
Did you dig in the right spot?
- Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of
the other fresh graves that we just made.
I didn't fucking think of that!
- Oh, calm down.
- Don't tell me to be calm!
We're down two men now!
Ah, at least we still
have the Blue prisoner
we can use as leverage.
Hey, what are you doing out
here in the middle of the
canyon?
- Uh, nothing.
So that, uh, that Sarge
thing's pretty crazy.
- Hey, is that your sister
over there with the Blues?
What's she doing over there?
- Well, uh, welcome to Blue Team.
I guess we should probably
give you, uh, some kind of
orientation or something like that.
So this is the, uh, this is the base here.
This is the outside of the base.
Inside's on the inside.
Go through that door right
there to get to the inside.
Um, there's a ramp over here.
There's another one on the other side.
It's kind of smaller.
It does the same thing, though.
Uh, it's got a basement.
Um, there's the middle part
and there's the top part.
We got some, you know, blue
flags here on the outside.
Those come in handy when you're,
you're trying to identify
the color of the base.
It's blue.
Anyway, that, uh, pretty much
covers the base, so anyway,
yeah, that's it.
- Cool.
- I'm Church. I'm the leader.
Everybody looks up to me.
Pretty much the only rules for
rookies on the Blue Team is,
don't kill the leader.
That's me.
- That's it?
- That's it.
- Sounds easy.
- Yeah, well, we're
still waiting for someone
to follow that rule.
So anyway, uh, tell me about yourself.
Well, what's your training?
- Training?
- Yeah. What have you been told so far?
- Oh, right.
That's the base, and
you're the leader, and I
shouldn't kill you.
Ever.
Did I pass?
- No, I mean like what kind of
military training do you have?
Weapons?
- Uh, those sound violent.
- Operations?
- I don't even know how that works.
- Communications?
- Say what?
- (sigh) Intelligence?
- Uh, uh-huh.
- (sigh) Great.
- Yeah, sorry.
Doesn't sound like I have any
of the skills you need, unless
you want to see my ping pong ball trick.
- Yeah.
Wait, what?
- Slow down.
- There's no time. Sarge is gone.
I was digging a hole,
and I kept digging, but
there was no Sarge.
And finally, I dug deep
enough, and I found another
hole.
- You dug a hole and found a hole?
Isn't that what a hole is?
- No, no, no.
I mean a hole at the bottom.
It opened into some kind of big cavern.
- A cavern?
A cavern like a cave?
Like a cave with bats?
- I don't know.
Why, are you afraid of bats or something?
- Afraid of bats?
No.
Why would I afraid of bats?
And why would you even ask that question?
Were there bats or something?
That's kind of a weird thing
to ask just for no reason.
- I didn't see any bats, OK?
- Did you hear any bats?
- No.
- Did you smell any bats?
- I don't know what bats smell like.
- Then let's hope you never find out.
Is it getting dark?
We should get inside.
- It hasn't gotten in dark here in three
fucking years, asshole.
- And this is Tucker.
- 'Sup?
- Hey.
- Tucker's job is to do,
what?
I guess nothing.
- I'm just chilling.
That's the only rule on Blue Team, rookie.
Be cool.
- I thought the only rule
was, don't kill the leader.
- Yeah, but we break
that rule all the time.
That's what makes us so cool.
- Awesome.
On the Red Team, they break that rule-
- Blarg.
- Oh cool.
You have a dog?
- Uh, that's not a dog.
That's my kid.
- Oh cool!
You have a kid that looks like a dog?
- Nice save.
Oh hey, you know what?
I think I have the perfect
tour guide for you.
Hey, Caboose.
Come here.
- I thought about having a kid once.
- Oh really?
It's a lot of work.
- Yeah, it seems like it would be hard.
But I thought, you know, who
wants to be known as the girl
who's had seven abortions?
- Heh, yeah.
Wait, what?
- All right.
This is Caboose.
He can tell you everything you
possibly need to know about
Blue Base.
- Is she a mean girl or regular girl?
- Caboose, what did I tell you?
- That there are no regular girls.
- Exactly.
All right, so just stick with
him, ask him any questions you
have, and just don't bother me or Tucker.
- What do I tell her?
- Well, I already know the rule.
- I hate that stupid rule.
- Go show her Doc and Sheila.
- The purple one is Doc.
And the big one is Sheila.
- You know, I was really
wishing that would take longer
and further away.
- Who's the black one?
- The black one?
- Yeah, the one in the black armor, the
one standing right behind you guys?
- Yep, that's a hole all right.
- That's what I told you.
- Huh.
And Sarge's body is gone.
- Right.
I think he fell through
that hole into the cavern.
- Maybe he just disappeared.
Dead things do that when you bury them.
That's part of the
circle of life, you know.
It's a miracle, when you think about it.
No reason to go randomly
exploring caves, which may or
may not contain hundreds of evil bats.
That would just be interfering
with God's divine plan.
- OK, A, Sarge wasn't dead.
B, decomposing takes months, not minutes.
C, his armor would still be here.
And D, shut up.
You're going down there.
Now.
- Why?
What do we really need Sarge for, anyway?
All he ever did was yell at us
a bunch and tell us we suck.
We'll just split up his duties.
You yell at me, and
I'll tell you you suck.
- Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!
- You suck, Simmons.
Oh, man, this new system's
already working out great!
We should've thought of this years ago.
- Grif, don't you understand
that because we lost Sister,
we're horribly outnumbered?
We already lost Donut and Sarge.
Now it's four on two.
The Blues are probably
gearing up for an enormous
attack right now.
At any moment, they're going
to come over that hill, guns
blazing, yelling "Charge!"
- Retreat!
(shouting)
- Who is that?
- That's Tex.
- Whoa, he's a badass.
- Ow.
- He's kinda hot.
- Tex isn't a guy. She's a girl.
- Oh, sorry. She's a badass.
She's kinda hot.
- She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
- Oh yeah?
Why aren't you guys dating anymore?
- Are you seriously asking
that question right now?
- Last time I was shot,
I got a Purple Heart.
Yeah, I hope this time,
I get a Purple Lung.
You see, eventually, I,
I hope to build an entire Purple Person.
And we will be best friends.
- Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain.
- You're just jealous
because you have no friends.
- Why is she shooting at us?
- How do I know?
And why are you acting
like this is unusual?
- Well, go out there and tell her to stop.
- Yeah. I'll get right on that.
- Uh, aren't you, like,
the leader or something?
- Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader.
Which is why I am officially
appointing you our field
negotiator.
- Awesome!
- Yes, congratulations.
We're all very proud of you.
Your first job is to get
Tex to stop firing at us.
- Cool.
Hey, Tex, stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
- Nice negotiating.
- She stopped firing.
I think that actually worked.
Maybe she's out of ammo.
Let me check.
(gunshot)
- Nope, she still has ammo.
- Nice recon work.
- I'm gonna go get my body back.
- Yeah, good idea.
- Aaagh, oof.
- Ta-da.
- Ugh.
You didn't have to push.
- Yeah, I didn't have
to, but it sure was fun.
I got a cool screenshot from
my visor of you flailing, too.
Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper?
This guy.
- Hey, Tucker.
Is my body on straight?
- Dude, I don't even know what that means.
- Freeze.
Nobody move.
- We're already not moving.
You could have just said,
everyone keep doing what
you're not doing.
- Shut up.
- Whatever.
- Tex, what is your problem?
- My problem is that O'Malley
isn't in Doc anymore.
He's jumped into somebody new,
and I'm not trusting anybody
until I find out who.
- Yeah.
We already know all that.
We're on top of the situation.
- You are?
Then who did O'Malley jump into?
- Oh.
Yeah, I meant,
I meant we were on top of
everything right up until that
point.
- Typical.
- Who's O'Malley?
- Ah, it's just some computer
program that wants to destroy
the universe.
He infects people around here
from time to time, but, eh,
it's no big deal.
- Sounds scary.
- No, it's all good, baby.
I'll protect you.
- Yeah.
That's what the last guy
said, and now I can't stop
scratching.
- OK, never mind.
- None of us are infected,
Tex, but I am a little worried
about the tank.
She's been acting really weird lately.
Can an AI implant in a, Tex?
- Who's the girl?
- What? Who, Sister?
Oh, she's just a new recruit.
- You mean to tell me I'm
only gone a few weeks,
and you guys get yourselves a new girl?
- Oh.
Um-
- Whoa.
Tread lightly, dude.
Tread lightly.
- Yeoww, what in the,
stupid Grif and Simmons,
can't even build a regulation grave.
What did we run all those drills for?
So this is the afterlife, huh?
Heh.
Not too impressive, if you ask me.
This place is a wreck.
Who's in charge here, anyway?
Need to get me a couple
Marine angels, get this place
spick-and-span in no time.
You know, that I think about
it, I don't seem to remember
much about underground caves
in the Bible, not even in that
new Bible they rewrote in
2040, with that big chase
scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller.
That guy's a nut.
Wait a minute, afterlife,
underground cave, what
if this isn't heaven?
What if it's, no, it couldn't be.
Could it?
- Oh, hey, Sarge.
What are you doing down here?
- It is!
Oh, it is.
- Oh man. This is not going
to work out well for us.
- Dude, are you kidding?
We finally have two girls on our team.
You know what that means.
- Yeah, coed softball team.
I'm going to go get my baseball racket.
- Tucker, I know what you're
thinking, and it's not gonna
happen.
- Oh, why not?
- Because girls can't share
anything, not even an apartment.
Every time girls live
together, within six months,
they all hate each other, and
somebody gets stuck with a
$1,200 phone bill.
That's fact.
- Ah, let them fight.
As long as we get to watch
the making up, who cares?
We can even record it and
sell copies to the Reds.
- No!
Moan.
- It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
(Sarge moaning)
- You wouldn't believe
all the stuff I found.
- Sorrowful sounds.
Pleas for forgiveness!
- Sarge, keep it down.
- I have sinned.
- We don't want them to hear you.
- Donut, don't interrupt
my repentful mourning.
If I want God to forgive
me, I need to be as
miserable as possible.
He loves that stuff.
- This isn't hell, Sarge.
And you're not dead.
- Repent! Repent!
- Come on, Sarge, be quiet.
I've been exploring down here,
and I've found some really
crazy stuff.
Look.
- Why, that port looks like a blue base.
And just when I thought
hell couldn't get any worse.
- Yeah, but look at that.
- What in the hell is that thing?
- I don't know, but it
sure looks a lot like the
motorcycle I found in a cave upstairs.
- Donut, why didn't you report this?
- I couldn't.
My radio broke when I fell.
(radio interference)
- Come in, Sarge. Are you there?
- Hello. Is that you, Simmons?
- No, I'm Donut.
Did you get amnesia from
your fall or something?
- Shut up, Donut.
- Uh, OK.
- Sarge, we're down in the cave with you.
Are you OK?
Please tell me you're OK.
- I'm fine.
What's your location?
- I'm standing right here, next to you.
- Shut up!
- We're looking for you right now.
This place is huge.
Grif is with me, and we're
up on top of some kind of
peninsular outcropping.
- Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
- Grif isn't anywhere around here.
- Donut, I told you to be quiet.
- Well, stop asking me stuff, then.
- No, we're on a peninsular
ledge, trying to find you.
- Roger that.
I've got Donut.
You sit tight, and we'll find you.
- Roger that.
Simmons out.
- Dude, what was all that stuff about your
penis ruler?
- I was just talking to
Simmons on the radio.
- Oh, the radio.
- I told them to hold still.
We'll come to them.
- Sarge, I don't think
you realize just how
big this place is.
There's no landmarks or
anything, just one rock after
another that all look the same.
Finding them will be like
finding a needle in a
haystack.
- They said they were standing
on some kind of a penis-
- Oh, I know where that is.
Let's go.
- I heard something that time.
- You didn't hear anything.
(distant drip)
- There, did you hear that?
- Yes.
I heard water dripping.
- Sounds like bats.
- Bats aren't made of liquid.
Bats don't drip.
- Bat water.
- There are no bats!
- You don't know.
What if you're wrong?
- OK, idiot.
Let's assume I'm wrong.
Let's assume there are bats.
So what?
You're wearing state of the
art biomechanical body armor.
It's designed to deflect
bullets and absorb explosions.
What can a five-ounce
flying rodent possibly do?
- So basically, you're saying
that you think there's bats.
- Sure.
Why not?
- I'm getting the fuck out of here.
- No you're not, Grif.
We're standing right here.
I told Sarge we wouldn't
move, and we're not moving.
- At least let's go stand by the light.
- No, that would be moving and
thus would violate our strict
no moving policy.
- But the light would-
- No.
- Help us see the bats.
- No.
- And their fangs.
- No!
- Hey, you know what else
might be in the cave, Simmons?
Snakes.
- You're an asshole, Grif.
Why would you bring up snakes?
- I'm just saying, I know you
don't like snakes, and snakes
do live in caves, and we are
in a cave, and snakes like to
crawl right up next to people
in caves, and then they-
- All right, screw it.
I'm going to go stand by the light.
- OK, I talked to Sheila.
You guys were right.
She definitely seems a little odd.
- Yup.
So what do you think?
- I think she seems like
there's something wrong.
- That's your diagnosis?
That's why you sent you down
there, man, because we knew
something was wrong.
- I'm a medic.
What do you want from me?
- How about fixing her?
- Well, surprisingly, my
medical training didn't really
cover internal combustion.
- What a shitty medical school.
- Yeah, where'd you go,
the University of Jamaica?
- Oh, please.
I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus.
I went to Jamaica State.
We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish.
- That's Notre Dame.
- Well, since we're
international, we don't really
have to adhere to the
stringent US copyright laws,
so-
- Never mind.
Just go back down there and
see if you can reboot Sheila.
- Reboot her?
- Yeah, dude.
That's how you fix broken stuff.
You turn her off, and then
you turn her back on again.
She'll be fine.
- I don't think that'll work.
- Uh, pardon me, it works great.
We already rebooted the toaster.
We rebooted the teleporter.
- Yeah, I still don't know if
that thing has all the bugs
worked out.
- We even rebooted Caboose's
armor once, although that took
a lot longer to come back
online than we thought it
would.
- It was dark, and I
got to hold my breath.
I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.
- No, I mean I don't think
it will work because I'm not
going back down there.
She's not exactly in the best of moods.
See?
- Yeah, we need to get
someone sneaky down there
who can turn her off.
- How about Tucker?
- Who, me? No way.
I'm a lover, not a sneaker.
- Oh, that's your response to everything.
- What can I tell you?
I'm a lover, not a thinker.
How about Tex?
- Yeah, we couldn't afford it.
If only we knew someone
that Sheila trusted.
And it would have to be
someone kind of dumb so that
we could fool them into betraying that
trust for our purposes.
- Hey.
Everyone is looking at me.
I love when they do that.
Hi, everybody.
- See?
And these are the two bodies
I was telling you about.
At first, I thought they were
sleeping, but then I realized
they were dead.
- The Blues never sleep.
They're too busy plotting
to destroy our way of life.
That's how you can always
spot a Blue, Donut.
They're always the ones
conniving and scheming.
Sometimes they do both.
I call that schenniving.
- And you know what else?
You can also tell they're Blue
because of their blue armor.
- Yeah, that too.
You know, at first, I thought
this cave was pretty dismal.
But it's amazing how a couple
of Blue corpses can really
spruce up the place,
make it feel like home.
- Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes,
get some wicker chairs.
Ah, this place will be fantastic.
Everything OK, Sarge?
- What?
Oh yeah.
It's just that I can't shake
this feeling, the feeling that
we're being watched!
Ha! Gotcha!
Oh, son of a-
- Um, that was pretty dramatic.
- Yeah, it usually works better
if someone is standing there
when I do that.
Kind of like now!
Dammit.
I'm normally not wrong
about this kind of thing!
Hello!
(muttering)
- Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?
- No, stupid.
Motion-activated proximity radar.
It's standard issue.
I guess I need to get mine calibrated.
Hey, what the heck is that thing?
- Sarge should be able
to see us here, right?
- Yeah, who cares?
Hey, Simmons, I was thinking,
if we're in a cave, why are
there lights down here?
- That's a pretty good point, Grif.
- What the, are you OK?
- Yeah, why do you ask?
- Huh.
You got a pink thing on you.
- What?
Like a snake?
Dammit all.
- Simmons?
Simmons?
Huh?
Ow.
Ow!
- Well, I suppose I should
figure out a way to get Tex to
reboot Sheila.
Man, I'm going to have to call
in a lot of favors for this
one.
- What favors could you
possibly have stored up with
someone who dumped you?
- She didn't dump me, Tucker.
It was mutual.
- Mutual in what way?
Mutual in the sense that you
were both single the moment
after she dumped you?
- Yeah.
That way.
Come on, Caboose.
Let's go explain the plan to Tex.
Wish us luck.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, when she kills you, I'm
going to sell your armor to
that pink guy on the Red Team.
I hear he's in the market.
- Hey, who's the yellow soldier?
- That's just Sister.
She's new.
- No one told me about a new arrival.
I'm supposed to examine
everyone before they assume
active duty.
- Don't sweat it. I already
checked her out for you.
Diagnosis, F-I-N-E. That spells fine.
- Thanks.
But I think a trained medical
professional should be the one
to-
- I'm a doctor, a doctor of love, PhD.
Certified in loveology,
general harasstitioner,
sexacologist.
- First of all, love is not an officially
recognized medical specialty.
And also, PhDs,
heh, not really doctors.
- Dude, you're a dork.
- Hey.
- What's up, Sis?
What'd you and Tex talk about?
- Oh, she was just talking
about everyone here.
How you're all idiots and
jerks, but that you guys are
her idiots and jerks, and if
I tried to become more popular
than her, she would talk about
me behind my back and turn
everyone against me.
And then I would cry, and
everyone would hate me.
You know, girl stuff.
- Cool.
Oh hey, speaking of
girl stuff, this is Doc.
- Hi.
- Uh, hello. Nice to meet you.
I'm the medic.
If it's all right with you,
I need to give you a quick
physical examination since you're new.
Do you want to come in the
base, where you might feel
more comfortable taking
off all your clothes?
- Sure. Lead the way.
See you, Tucker.
- What the fuck just happened?
- Sarge, I found Simmons.
He's over here, sleeping on the job.
- Donut, I'm not sleeping.
I was drugged.
- Sorry, Sarge.
He's not sleeping.
He's doing drugs.
- Shut up, Donut.
I'm not doing drugs. We were attacked.
They must have used some kind
of tranquilizer on me and,
Grif?
Where's Grif?
- Maybe he's out scoring
you junkies some more drugs.
- They must have taken him.
- Who would take Grif?
Garbage collectors?
- The people who ambushed us.
We have to find him.
Luckily, I implanted a
tracking chip in his armor.
I wanted to be able to find
him when it was time to work.
I should be able to lock
onto his signal in just a few
seconds.
- A few seconds?
That sounds entirely hopeless.
Well, Grif, we'll miss you.
You were a good soldier,
using the broadest possible
definition of good and soldier.
- I've got a signal.
- He's probably a million
miles away by now.
- Actually, he's only
a tenth of a mile away.
- Who knows what direction?
- That direction.
- Exactly. We did our best, Simmons.
Now let's head back to base and call for
a replacement troop.
Where's my shotgun?
- I don't see it anywhere.
I guess they took it when they took Grif.
- (sigh) What direction did you say?
- That way, sir.
- Come on, let's go.
- So Caboose is going to be up front,
talking to her, and then while
he's got her distracted, you
sneak around the back, access
the panel, and shut her down.
- OK. I'll do it.
- What? That's it?
You will? No bargaining?
No ridiculous demands?
- No.
I'm trying to find
O'Malley and his friend.
In a way, you guys are helping me.
If anyone should be making
demands it should be you.
- Oh, well, in that case, we want-
- Forget it. Deal's done.
- Dammit.
- Um, how should I distract Sheila?
- Just talk to her.
Keep her attention.
That's it.
- I don't know.
Uh, we kind of have a history.
Uh, she may not want to talk to me.
- So? Tex and I have a rough history.
Doesn't mean we can't be professional
and hold a conversation.
- I wouldn't exactly
call them conversations.
- Ugh, get off my back, woman.
Can't you see I'm working here?
- Please. You call this working?
- See, this is exactly what
could happen with me and
Sheila, only with more
getting shot by tanks.
- Caboose, if that happened,
I'm sure the shell would just
bounce off you and land on me somehow.
Just smooth talk her.
- I don't know how to do that.
- Just tell her she's pretty
or that she's got that new tank
smell or something.
Compliment her treads.
It doesn't matter.
- I don't know-
- It's easy.
Look, here.
Just practice on Tex.
She's, womanish.
- Pardon me?
- Do you want Caboose to run
decoy for you, or do you want
to try this on your own?
- I see your point.
- Go ahead.
- Hello, Tex.
- Dude.
You will not believe
what Doc just pulled off.
- Shut up, Tucker.
Don't interrupt.
- Interrupt what?
- Tex, I think you are pretty.
And you haven't hurt my body
in a long time, so I was
hoping that we could talk and
be friends, maybe, and hold
hands, and you would go with
me, and when you went with me,
you would be my real girlfriend.
- I think that would be nice, Caboose.
We should definitely do that.
- What the hell?
Tex, have you gone crazy?
If you want to get with
somebody, get with me, the
love doctor.
I'm a real man.
I will rock your fucking world.
- Hey, don't look at me.
He's not part of the plan.
- Junior, Junior.
Hey, Junior, where'd you go?
- Honk.
- There you are.
- Honk.
- You little rascal.
- Honk!
- OK, Sister.
Any other conditions I should know about?
- Um, let's see.
You know about all the
ways I'm contagious, so-
- Hey, what's going on here?
- Oh, I'm color-blind.
- Really? That's weird.
But I don't think it'll
cause any problems here.
OK, go ahead and bend over.
- Sure.
Like this?
- Whoa, yeah.
You're really limber and
in really great shape.
- Yeah, I am.
- I'm not playing against you in Twister.
- Check this out.
- Wowsers.
I didn't even know a
leg could bend that far.
That is a leg, right?
OK.
Oh, and by the way, sorry
if my hands are cold.
- That's cool.
Sorry my body's a little hot.
- Hey, do you guys need any help in there?
- Huh? Is someone spying on us?
Yes!
Hot.
- No, we're good.
Hey, Sister, do you want me to turn up
the heat or something?
You look like you're-
- Eh, I'll be OK.
Hard nipples won't kill you.
- I could just walk around
this corner if you need me to.
It wouldn't be a problem.
- We got it.
Hey, sorry I got you all wet before.
I don't even know how that
bucket of baby oil got up on
that shelf.
That was weird.
- That's OK. I think it'll actually help.
Squeezing these puppies into
the armor can be a little
difficult.
- Maybe I should just look
in there and see if there's
anything I can do.
- No thanks, Tucker.
Maybe they need your help
with the tank instead.
You'd probably be a lot
more valuable out there.
What we're doing in her is pretty routine.
Hey, are you double-jointed?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Honk!
- Don't rub it in.
- Blarg.
- Come on.
Grif should be right over here.
- Don't listen to him, Sarge.
He's just trying to score more drugs
to keep his habit alive.
Remember last month, when
he asked for more money?
It was for drugs.
- That was part of a
budgetary meeting, Donut.
He needed more funds
for vehicle maintenance.
- Enabler!
- I see something.
- Ah, there's my shotgun.
Mission accomplished.
Excellent work, men.
Let's hang up a banner.
- There's Grif.
- Oh, right.
And Grif.
Excellent something or other.
You people, why do I even bother?
- I don't know what to say.
- Don't be nervous.
Just go out there, hold her
attention, and don't say
anything stupid.
No, wait.
Be natural. Say stupid stuff.
Go.
- Hello, Sheila.
How are you doing?
- Oh, hello, Caboose.
Actually, I'm not functioning
at my optimal capacity.
My internal diagnostics
indicate I am having
mechanical issues.
How are you?
- Um-
- Caboose, say good.
- What?
Oh, good.
Uh, pretty good.
Really good.
I am great.
I am absolutely perfect.
- That's too good.
- Now I am depressed.
I am doing bad.
I-
I don't know if I can go on.
- You seem distracted, Caboose.
I am not distracted.
I'm distracting.
See, that's different
because I'm doing it to you.
- What?
- What?
- I mean, I'm very distractable.
(nervous laugh)
With a high degree of distractivity-ness.
- Change the subject.
- OK.
Sheila, have you seen Tex?
- What?
I mean, what?
- What?
- Sheila, do you know what
my favorite thing to do is?
Not look behind myself.
You should try not doing that.
Do you like to collect stamps?
- Hey, Caboose, I think it's
wrong for us both to die
because you're an idiot, so
I'm going to take off now, OK?
I'll see you, bye.
- Please don't go.
- I am not leaving.
- Oh good.
Good.
Stay.
- You are acting strangely.
And I would like to find out why.
- Oh, OK.
Um-
- Caboose, the Omega AI has
been missing, and everyone has
been attempting to find him.
If you continue to act erratically,
they may mistakenly think
he is inside of you and take
drastic measures against you.
- Oh. I wouldn't want them to do that.
- Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.
- You do?
Where?
- He is inside-
(shutting down)
- Got it.
- Who is blurrrrr?
- What happened?
What'd you do to me?
- We got knocked the fuck out.
And the people who did
it must have taken you.
- Oh, right.
Uh, they kept asking me questions.
They wanted information.
- Information?
What did they-
- Whoa, whoa. They wanted
information, and they took you?
Why wouldn't they take me?
- What did they look like?
- Sarge, please.
I was right there next to you.
If they needed information,
why would they take you
instead of me?
- What are you, jealous?
Jesus.
- No.
I just think if you're going
to drug and torture people,
you don't need to insult
their intelligence, too.
That's just mean.
- Yeah. You're jealous.
- You want us to turn her
back on again, after we
just went through all that
trouble to shut her down?
- But she said she
knows where O'Malley is.
- Well, maybe she was lying.
How could she possibly know that?
What do you think Tex.
Can we turn her back on again?
Disable her guns or something?
- Not a chance.
She's a wreck back here.
I'm not even sure how she
was operational anyway.
- Oh, I know.
Uh, we can put her inside
my head, like O'Malley.
I've got lots of extra room in there.
- Yeah, I bet.
And no, she's not that kind of AI.
- She could only be moved over if we had a
similar class of vehicle.
- Yeah.
If only we had some other kind
of big vehicle that we could
move her into.
We can't use the Warthog because that
doesn't have anything,
wait a minute.
Tex.
The ship?
Could we move her into one
of those onboard computers?
- If we set up a hard line, yeah.
I bet we could do it.
- Church!
Wait!
- Huh?
- Church, hold on a second.
I got something to tell you.
- Tucker, what? What is it?
- I just wanted to say, I
got a hard line Tex can use.
Bow chicka bow wow.
- How did you even hear that?
- Pff, I'm like Superman.
I know when I'm needed.
(Grif muttering)
- Shake it off, you big orange baby.
What happened to you?
- He's been chasing the dragon.
- Donut, shut up.
He was drugged, just like me.
- That's what I'm saying.
He fell off the wagon and
shook hands with the devil.
- Shut up.
- He's been riding the wave
and tripping the technicolor
dreamscape.
Far out, man.
Druggy loser.
- Will you stop, Donut.
All you're doing with your
stupid anti-drug lingo is
making me actually want to try drugs.
- Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
- Yeah. That sounds like fun.
- Who knocked you out, Grif?
Was it those dirty Blues?
- No.
It was some kind of bat-person.
- Bat-person?
- Sarge, I'm not sure Grif
knows what he's talking about.
- Grif doesn't know what
he's talking about, eh?
Stop the fucking presses.
- No, I mean specifically right now.
Whatever chemical they used to
knock us out may be affecting
his perception or his memory.
- And it can cause undue stress
to his family and seriously
impair his ability to operate a-
- Shut up, Donut!
- I wasn't hallucinating.
There was some kind of crazy
bat thing and another guy, and
they were talking about a kid and a sword.
Some kind of deal they made.
- OK, wait. Is this a joke?
This is a prank on me, right?
You guys found my Harry
Potter fan fiction.
- This has nothing to do with you, Donut.
- OK, right, sure.
Well if the bat-person turns
out to be a sailor, and the
guy turns out to be a bartender, and
the sword turns out,
well, let's just say this all
sounds a little too familiar.
- I'm telling the truth.
This really happened.
- Sure, we believe you, buddy.
Note to Simmons, Grif has gone mad.
Need to kill him ASAP.
- I'm not crazy!
- Second note to Simmons.
Grif has developed super
hearing, possibly acquired
from the bat-people.
Post-note, original plan still applies.
- Wait a second.
I can prove I'm not
crazy 'cause of the bomb.
The bomb!
- Yeah, that's a good way to
prove you aren't insane.
Just start screaming "The bomb, the bomb!"
- The bomb was there.
That's how I could understand
what was being said.
They needed him to translate.
- The bomb?
You mean that loudmouth guy?
- Yeah.
The enormous ball that's
always ready to explode.
- OK, seriously, there's
coincidence, and then there's
outright plagiarism.
I'm gonna have to sue somebody.
- She's all set.
Transfer should take a while.
- Um, are we sure we want
to put her in this ship?
- Mm, it's still flyable,
but I'm going to remove the
ignition coil just to be sure.
If O'Malley is in her
somewhere, they aren't going
anywhere without it.
- You want me to hold it?
- Are you kidding?
- Well, thought it was worth a try.
- Hey, Caboose, how's it going in there?
- Looks good.
Although I have to tell you,
the ship looks a lot bigger on
the inside than the outside.
- How's the readout?
- Well, all the red lights
are red, and all the
blue lights are blue.
- What about the green lights?
- Those are black.
- When the green lights turn green and
the red lights turn black, I
want you to get a hold of me
right away.
- Uh, OK.
What about the blue lights?
- The blue lights don't matter.
- Then why do they-
- OK, OK. Thanks, Caboose. Good job.
- Oh, OK.
- Hey, Grif.
Just tell them where the kid
and the sword is, and you can
go.
- What?
Andy, is that you?
Why are you helping monster people?
- Hey, gotta make a living.
(alien grunting)
- He says someone's
coming, and we gotta go.
See you, Grif.
By the way, you look like shit.
Zing!
- Oh, OK, bye.
I'm gonna, go to sleeping again.
And he was translating
between the two of them, too.
So if we find Andy, he can
tell us exactly what's going
on.
- Sounds like we've stumbled
across something totally
diabolical.
Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.
- Thank you, sir.
- Simmons?
I just told you everything!
- But Simmons was the one
that led us to you after he
stealthily avoided capture.
- Avoided capture?
They knocked him out first
and picked me at random.
- Yes, a randomness that
Simmons used to save the day.
- You can't just show up
here and start bossing people
around, Tex.
Bossing people around is my
job, and I put in the time.
- I had to leave. I found Wyoming.
- Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?
- I thought I tracked
him back to O'Malley.
But by the time York and I got there-
- York?
Your old Freelancer buddy?
Was Carolina with him?
- She was already dead.
- But what about Bermuda?
- That's not a state, dumbass.
- Portland?
- Shut up.
- But he still had Delta.
- Delta? The AI?
How?
I thought they took them,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
How is he even still alive?
Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?
- I thought it was because of his armor.
You know all the Freelancer
suits had some kind of
enhancement.
- Right, like your invisibility.
- And horrible meanness.
- No, dude.
That's all natural.
- York's was some kind
of healing mechanism.
It would help him recover
from wounds in battle.
I thought it might have kept
him alive all these years.
But after I found Wyoming, I
knocked him out and downloaded
logs from his helmet.
There's something going on,
Church, with a lot of people
working against us.
- Well, what did Wyoming
say when he woke up?
- He didn't.
Before I could interrogate
him, he teleported away.
One second he was there,
and the next, he was gone.
- What about the second after that?
- Can I kill him?
- No, I'm saving him in case
we ever need him for food.
So Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?
- I don't think so.
I think someone grabbed
him from somewhere else.
- How is that possible?
The only technology I
know that can do that is,
wait a minute.
Each Freelancer had an
enhanced suit of armor and an
AI, right?
- Right.
- Right.
- Your armor was invisibility,
and your AI was Omega.
- Right.
- Wrong.
Oops, missed that one.
Can we go back?
- What was Wyoming's AI?
- Gamma.
- (sigh) I gotta make a phone call.
(phone ringing)
- Hello.
- Hello.
This is Church, Gary.
Or should I call you Gamma?
Have you been lying to us?
- Lying is such a Shisno concept,
I mean human concept.
- You're a computer.
I thought computers can't lie.
- They can if they are programmed to lie.
- Were you programmed to lie?
- No.
- God dammit.
- I have to go, Church.
- Wait. What about the aliens?
How do we-
- Goodbye.
- Hmm, do they know?
- It is nothing to worry about.
We are close to the end.
We will not be stopped now.
- We should keep going.
Hop in.
(radio noise)
- Hello. Ring-a-ding.
Blue base, come in.
Let's go. Hello.
Come in.
- What, hello?
Vic, is that you?
- Hey, dude.
How's it going?
Been a while since we spoke.
- Why are you calling me?
- Everything been going good?
Yeah, that's great.
Listen, don't have much time to talk.
Been discussing things
here at Blue Command.
We think everything is bad,
and now is the time to go
attack the Red base.
Turns out the Reds are up
to no good, and somebody
needs to kill them.
A good way to do that
might be to send some
people through the caves.
Yeah.
Take them by surprise.
Anyway, can't talk. Gotta go.
See you la vista.
- Wait, wait, why do people
keep hanging up on me?
- Huh, what's all this business?
- It looks like a bunch of
computer equipment, sir.
- Excellent analysis, Simmons.
- And it's attached to
some kind of TV thing.
- So it is.
Astute deduction, Donut.
- It shows all different
parts of the canyon.
Look, there's our base.
- Ah, yes.
Another incredible observation
from the stating the obvious
department.
Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.
(sigh)
- Simmons, Donut, you two stay here.
Grif's going to continue
to help look for Andy.
- Fine.
(sigh)
I hate my job.
- Look, there's my room.
And the locker room.
And there's the showers.
Man, so many good memories.
- I hope this thing isn't
connected to the internet.
- The Blues must have set this up.
Crafty devils.
Spying on us all along!
What's all that?
- That looks like blue base.
- Why would the Blues spy on themselves?
- Maybe the Blues didn't set this up.
Someone else might have.
- Or maybe the Blues are so
incredibly arrogant, they just
want to see themselves on TV.
Or I bet they have those stupid
liberal equal time laws.
Commie Blue bastards.
- What if all this technology
is just left over from an
ancient civilization that was
way more advanced than us?
- Wait a minute.
How could an ancient
civilization be more advanced?
If they were so advanced,
where did they go?
- They could have mysteriously
disappeared, only leaving
behind a legacy of enigmatic technology.
- That's gay.
- Oh, let's finish this fight later.
- Look, what's that?
- (gasp) That looks like Sister's armor.
- Oh no! What happened to her?
- Clearly, she's been disintegrated.
- Why would they do that?
Oh, we can't tell Grif.
He's going to be devastated.
- Tell me what?
- Tell you that your sister's
been vaporized by the Blues.
- What?
- Sarge!
- Heh heh, it's just like
ripping off a Band-Aid.
Quick and incredibly painful.
- We just talked about this.
I thought we agreed not to tell him.
- What?
- You really need to start
thinking about other people's
feelings, Sarge.
- Son, the only thing I need
to do is stay Red and die.
- What?
- I'm really sorry, Grif.
She's dead.
- How could this have happened?
Oh man.
That was my little sister.
I mean, I know we don't always
see eye to eye, but I still
loved her.
- This has to be hard, Grif.
I don't know what to say.
- I, I just,
I had no idea the last time
I saw her was going to be the
last time ever.
I'd give anything to see her
again and just to talk to her
one last time, and I'm never
going to get that chance.
It's the most empty
feeling in the whole world.
- Oh hey, look!
She's not dead, she's just naked.
- What? That little slut!
I'm gonna kill her!
- Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!
- All right, I know
this might feel unusual
but for this next test,
I really need you to try
to keep your legs together.
No, together.
Together!
- Put your clothes back on!
What's the one thing I told you?
Don't embarrass the family!
- I don't think she's embarrassing it.
Whoa! Why is she doing splits?
- Huh.
Is this that Facebook
thing I keep hearing about?
- Does this thing take dollar bills?
- Come on.
That's my sister, and
you're looking at her naked.
- So? She's not our sister.
- Stop looking at her.
- Why does Donut get to look?
- Hey.
Why does the Blue base get so much more
natural light than ours?
It gives the interior a much
more airy and open feeling.
- That's why Donut gets to look.
- Oh, look, she's putting
her armor back on.
Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting
her armor back on.
Good work, soldier.
- Don't patronize me.
- It looks like the Blues are having some
kind of meeting.
- What?
I knew it.
They're coming to attack our base.
Dirty backstabbers.
- I thought the Blues were
supposed to attack us.
- Dirty frontstabbers.
Simmons, what are they saying?
- I have no idea.
I can't find the volume on this monitor.
And without any sound, it just
looks like a bunch of helmets
bobbing up and down.
- Is that how they talk?
They look ridiculous.
- All right.
Vic called and said we should attack the
red base right away.
I don't know why, but I
guess we're going to do it.
- Attack?
Shouldn't we call soldiers
or the military for something
like that?
- And for some reason, he
thinks it's a good idea for
some of us to go through the caves.
- Why?
- I don't know. Who cares?
So me, Tex, and Tucker are
going to go right up the
middle.
- What about my kid?
He can't go into battle.
- Doc, Sister, and Junior,
you guys go get lost in the caves.
- Oh.
- We'll find you after the battle's over.
Unless we die, in which case
we won't find you, and you're
going to have to find us.
And if that happens, I want
to be buried as far away as
possible from these two.
- Yeah, and I want to be
stuffed and put on a couch
with a cooler full of beer,
a bag full of cheese puffs,
nonstop reruns of "Baywatch," and,
ah, you know what?
It's all in my will.
- What about me? Can I get lost, too?
- No, Caboose.
I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.
- Yeah.
If the transfer gets
interrupted, we might lose her
altogether.
- Oh, that would be bad.
- Right. Otherwise, how would
you accidentally kill people?
- Hmm.
Well, I suppose I could always-
- Shut up. That was rhetorical.
Tucker, come on. Let's go going.
- When should we go?
- I, I don't care.
Just be ready to come running
with the cavalry if we start
screaming in pain.
Unless Tucker starts screaming
in pain, in which case, you
know, feel free to point and laugh.
- Well, little dude, I guess
there's a time when every boy
becomes a man.
- Tucker, he's only three days old.
- Yeah, they grow up so fast.
- Also, he's not a boy.
He's a grub.
- The point is, you're on your own now,
and I don't have time
to tell you everything you need to know.
So here's a few brief pointers.
Invest in real estate.
There's no such thing
as a permanent record.
Always eat breakfast.
All the girls on the
internet are actually dudes.
And you should never, ever
buy the extended warranty on
anything, ever.
Oh, also, chicks like it when
you tell them they're pretty,
but they also like it when
you're kind of a dick to them.
So mix it up a little.
- Tucker, let's go.
- OK, little dude.
I got to go now.
Tex needs me and Church to back her up.
- Bow chicka honk honk.
- Huh.
I guess you have been
teaching him some stuff.
- Teach? You don't teach that.
That's just genetic.
- I don't see anything.
- I'll move up.
You two stay here.
- You want us to cover you?
- Yeah, cover me.
That way, I won't get hurt.
Just don't run away.
- Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.
- I don't see anything at all.
It's like they're all hiding or something.
- Uh, what do you see?
- I just said I don't see anything.
I just said that.
- Man, I hate that I never
get the fucking sniper rifle!
- Oh yeah, boo-hoo.
All you've got is your
stupid awesome sword.
I feel so sorry for you.
- Come on, dude, just once.
Let me use it just one time.
I won't ever ask again.
Please?
Please, please, please,
please, please, please?
- Can I use the sword?
- Oh, hell yes!
- All right, fine, here.
- Oh, kick-ass.
Heh heh.
OK, no, wait.
How do I zoom?
I'm zoomed!
- Hey, Tucker, this
sword doesn't even work.
What a fucking gyp.
- Now I, wait, what is this thing?
- OK, whatever, dude.
Just don't-
- Ow!
- What the fuck?
Did you just fire that thing?
- Oops. That was an accident.
- We're supposed to be
sneaking up on them, dumbass.
They're gonna hear us.
Gimme it back.
- Um, yeah.
OK, take it back.
- I knew there was a reason I
didn't let you use this thing
all these, hey, Tex.
What are you doing back, ow!
What the fuck did I do?
- Asshole.
- I told him to be
careful with that thing.
He's just not very good with it.
(computer powering on)
- Hello, and thank you for
activating the M808,
wait a minute.
Where am I?
- Sheila, you're awake.
I am so happy.
Look, we got you a new place to live.
Now you're the big ship lady.
- I like it.
It is so roomy.
Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.
- And now you can fly.
- Are you the pilot, Caboose?
Shall I run the tutorial program?
- Hmm, yeah.
Uh, let's not do that right now.
- Look, they're invading our base!
And we're not even there to defend it.
Oh, the humiliation!
Men, this aggression cannot stand.
We'll beat those Blues all the
way back across the canyon.
This is the moment we've
all been training for.
- Training?
We haven't done any training.
Wait, is sleep considered training?
- Simmons, as with all our
battle plans, I need you to
punch Grif in the back of the head.
Simmons?
Simmons?
- Uh-huh, yeah, I agree.
Everything you say is right.
Red Team's great.
Hooray.
- Simmons, stop watching those TVs.
- Yeah, Simmons.
Give it up.
There's not going to be any
more pictures of naked girls
on there.
- Shut up!
You don't know that.
Stop saying that.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Men, this won't be easy.
The Blues will be totally bunkered down.
They have both bases, which
gives them an enormous
strategic advantage.
But we're the Red Team.
- Sure, you might not be the
best squad, might not be smart
or energetic or have any
skills that qualify you for
duty in any other legitimately
recognized military unit.
However-
- Where did that flag come from?
- Flag?
Who gives a fuck about the flag?
How about who's singing?
- But with precise operations
and proper communication, we
will emerge victorious.
With a little luck, one of
us in particular will die a
horrible death, either at the
hands of the Blues or as part
of a cunning distraction by yours truly.
- Why don't we just take over Blue base?
- Nonsense.
The Blue base are much more fortified.
Blue base has turrets.
Blue base has a tank.
- Blue base has no one in it.
- What?
- Look.
See?
They're all gone.
- Where'd they go?
- They went to Red base.
That's what we've been talking about.
- But which one of these
caves leads to the Blue base?
I'm all turned around down here.
- I have an idea.
See, these are dead Blues.
- Yes, Donut, we're all very
happy about the corpses.
You sicko.
- Don't you get it?
When they buried you, you fell down here.
When the Blues buried these
two guys, they fell in, too.
- I thought the Blues had three dead guys.
- So that means we're standing
right underneath Blue base.
All we need to do is head up
and take them from behind.
- Cavernous conundrum, he's right!
Let's go, men.
We'll grab their base
while they capture ours.
On to glorious victory!
- Technically, that's not victory.
It's more like a stalemate.
- On to equilibrium, then?
- Yeah, that'll work.
- (sigh) This war sucks.
- Diagnostic complete.
- Uh, Sheila, have you seen Tex?
- No. I have been running a
diagnostic on my new home.
I only need some minor repairs
to my landing gear, but I
require a replacement ignition
coil to become functional.
Do you have an ignition
coil, Private Caboose?
- Um, no.
Um, but, uh, Tex wanted me to tell her
when you started talking.
Um, and I'm supposed to find her.
- My sensors indicate
she is at the Red base.
- Oh no. That's the worst kind of base.
- Why did she want to speak to me?
- Oh, she just wanted to
know where O'Malley is.
- Oh.
Of course.
Would you like to know
where O'Malley is, Caboose?
- So by the time I got home, it was 4 AM.
And when my mom asked where I
was, I told her I was riding
around on the train all
night, which I guess
is technically true.
- Uh, yeah.
We don't have to talk about stuff anymore.
Let's just walk and not talk, ever again.
- Come on, little guy.
Hurry up.
- Honk!
- Oh my god.
Head.
- OK, please, really, no more stories.
- Seriously, it's a head.
Look.
- Huh?
- Oh, it's you.
- You know him?
- You speak Spanish?
- Uh, of course I do.
It's the year 2500, and I'm from America.
- Oh, cool.
Tell him O'Malley's gone.
- Who's O'Malley?
- All right, well, I guess let's break up
into teams and search the base.
- Got it.
- Tex.
Tex, are you there, Tex?
I know who O'Malley is.
- It looks like the Reds pulled out.
Does that mean we win?
- I suppose so.
I guess we have two bases in the middle
of a box canyon now.
- Whoop de fucking do.
Right, Tex?
- Don't move, O'Malley.
- Oh crap.
- And then Donut will use all
our grenades to bombard the
base while we move forward
in an advanced cover fire
formation.
- Got it And nobody hurts Sister.
That's my job.
- Why does Donut get to
stay on the sidelines?
- Because he's got a great arm.
Heh, he could've gone pro.
- It comes from years of tossing.
- And as discussed, in the
event that we are cornered and
no other options exist, Donut
will make sure to save at
least four grenades, one for
each of you and two for Grif.
- Anyone have a preference
of frag or sticky?
Tell me now.
I don't want any complaining later on.
- Frag.
No, wait, sticky.
- Surprise me.
- I'm going to change back to frag.
- Hey, Sarge, have you
thought about calling for
reinforcements?
Like when we called for the ship.
- You mean the ship that
crushed you while bringing
more Blue soldiers?
Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do that.
- It's worth a shot.
They owe us one now. Come in, command.
Are you there?
Vic, are you there?
Come in.
Is this thing on?
- Does anybody hear that echo?
- Yeah.
We're in a cave, Simmons.
Caves echo, duh.
That's how bats navigate.
- No, it seems like it's coming
from back the way we came.
- Did you say bats?
What bats?
Were you talking about bats?
- Um, just bats in general.
- Don't bullshit me, dude.
I heard bats.
- Hey.
Rojo amigo.
What's going on?
- Vic, we need help.
The Blues have executed a
brilliant plan, and it looks
like we've fallen for it perfectly.
No doubt they're celebrating
at our very own base as we
speak.
- Don't move.
- Ooh, busted.
Kill him, Tex.
I get 50:1 odds if his next
death is caused by anyone but
Caboose.
- We're going to die if we
don't get some help over here,
Vic.
- Uh, hey, dude. It's Vic
Jr. We already covered that.
- Vic Jr., we're going
to die if we don't get
some help over here.
- OK, dude.
Calm down.
Take a chill pill.
If you don't have a chill pill, take one
of those chill strips.
You put it on your tongue. It dissolves.
Chill.
I'll try to help, but
someone's been here, monkeying
with my equipment.
Just give me a second, and I'll, oh no.
Oh, man. I gotta go.
Bye. Try to win.
- Hello?
I don't hear any hold music.
Please don't transfer me to India.
Hello?
Vic Jr., we're going to
die if we don't get some
help over here.
- OK, dude.
Calm down.
Take a chill pill.
If you don't have a chill pill, take one
of those chill strips.
Put it on your tongue.
It dissolves. Chill.
I'll try to help, but
someone's been here, monkeying
with my equipment.
Just give me a second, and I'll-
- Hello, hello?
Who's there?
- No. Oh man, I gotta go.
Bye.
Try to win.
- Who's talking down here?
Hello.
- Oh, yes. I'm still here, Vic.
We need help.
- Sarge?
- Simmons, is that you?
- Yes.
- What the, do you work at command now?
When were you promoted?
- I don't work at command.
You called me here.
It looks like this monitoring
equipment is interfering with
our radios or something.
- Diabolical.
Well, get your keister back here.
Red command is useless.
- There's a news flash.
- Shut up, Grif.
- Did that order come from command?
- In fact, it did.
And they also ordered my foot to report up
your ass on the double.
- I can't believe I donated
organs for this fucking war.
- Tex, I am not O'Malley.
- Bullshit.
It all makes sense now.
You were the one that
told Gary where we were.
You were the one that wanted
me to disable Sheila by moving
her to the ship.
And you wanted the ignition
coil once I removed it.
- That's all coincidental.
It doesn't make me evil.
It just makes me a bad leader.
- Why would Caboose tell me it was you?
- You're getting information from Caboose.
- That's right.
- Dude, I'll tell you what.
If you get me killed again, I
gotta tell you, this time I'm
going to be a little pissed.
- Sheila told me that O'Malley might be
inside Blue leader.
- And that's you.
- Sheila's crazy, remember?
Besides, I was never
officially promoted to Blue
leader, anyway.
That's, oh no.
- So that's how you got here, Lopez?
What a strange, yet
totally believable story.
- Hi there.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Captain Butch Flowers,
and this is my friend.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hey, wait.
Wasn't I sent here to replace you?
- Honk?
- Hey there, little guy.
I've been waiting a very,
very long time to meet you.
(evil laugh)
- I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you.
It's Flowers.
- Liar. Flowers is dead.
- Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker?
Where did they go?
I certainly didn't sneak over
here and scare them off in my
spare time, when I wasn't
dealing with you and Tex and
that new yellow freak and
that stupid, disgusting kid of
yours.
- OK, OK.
Man, I hope if Flowers is
alive, that he doesn't want
this armor back.
Hey, what's up with the Reds?
- Where are they?
- Who knows? Maybe it's lunch time.
Maybe the Red Army doesn't pay
overtime, and they all just
went home.
- All their stuff is here.
I don't think they evacuated.
- What do you think, Tex?
- I think we may have walked right into-
- A trap?
- Wyoming.
- OK, see?
Now, if I was O'Malley, I
would have known that was
gonna happen.
- Shouldn't we rethink this plan?
- Why?
- Well, now that Simmons has cut us off
from command, we're attacking
the enemy base with no
support.
- I didn't cut us off from command.
- You interrupted the radio transmission.
- No, I didn't.
Whoever Sarge was talking with
was already down in that cave.
I just walked up and started
talking to Sarge in the middle
of it.
- What the fuck do you
think interrupting means?
- Can it, you two.
- Yeah.
You're giving me a headache.
- Andy? Is that you?
- No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis.
Pleased to meet you, you dickhead.
- I thought you were
busy helping the enemy.
- Ah, they didn't need me anymore.
Apparently, that revived
guy learned enough alien
language to get by.
And then it was, what have
you done for me lately?
- Hey, what was that deal they
were talking about when I was
all drugged out?
- Grif, I'm proud of you.
Admitting you have a
problem is the first step.
- Fuck off, Donut.
- Baby steps, Grif.
- That new alien is here
to find the old one,
and he revived the blue guy to help him.
But then something happened to him.
I don't know what.
He started acting all funky.
- The alien revived him.
- Yeah.
They don't treat life and
death the same way we do.
In fact, that little guy
that everyone thinks-
- We don't have time for this.
Let's go, men.
- Wait.
Take me with you!
- Andy, we're going into battle
unmanned, low on ammo, and
with no support.
What use could we
possibly have for a bomb?
- I could always act as a lookout.
Or a spy.
Or a chef.
Or, you know, you could
always use me as a bomb.
Oh, hey, Lopez.
- Wyoming.
- Ah, yes.
Hello, Tex.
So sorry to sneak up on you when you were
busy quarreling about,
well, whatever it is
exactly you people do here.
I'm guessing some kind of
ditch digging or something.
- Blue team doesn't even have shovels.
Which kind of sucks, because
our guys are the ones who keep
dying.
- And it looks like that
trend is going to continue.
- Oh, what, you're here for Tex?
Because if you are, she's right there.
All yours, buddy.
Go for it.
- Yeah, ladies first.
- Not at all.
I'm here for your little friend.
He's very important to a lot of people.
(radio noise)
- (coughing) Excuse me.
- Now that Church is possessed
by O'Malley and is evil, do
you think we'll have to
kick him off the team?
Then it would be just me
and my sidekick, Tucker.
That's not a lot of people on the team.
Also, I don't like Tucker.
Oh, I know.
Maybe we can convince one
of the Reds to switch sides.
Then we could give them Tucker.
That would fix both problems.
- I don't know.
That doesn't seem like it would work.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, Church is calling me.
Probably to ask me to
be his new best friend.
Or to infect me with a
horrible computer virus.
Excuse me for a minute, Sheila.
I have to take this.
- Affirmative.
- Yes.
Hello, evil Church.
What can I do for you?
- So, Wyoming, you just showed up
here and decided to attack us.
- Uh, my name is Caboose.
- And now you've caught us at gunpoint,
and it looks like we're in big trouble.
- Now that doesn't sound
like something I would do.
I think you have the wrong number.
- Here at Red base.
Wyoming.
You found us and are holding us prisoner.
At the Red base.
Wyoming.
- Uh, Red base, no.
Uh, I'm in the ship.
The ship.
Sheila, I think O'Malley
has driven him crazy.
Um, he's talking nonsense.
- If only someone nearby, someone with
access to a tank, somehow
knew what was going on
and could help us.
Someone, for instance, in blue
armor, who somehow knew about
the situation and figured out
what the fuck other people
were talking about and tried
to fucking to help us, and
then we would be saved.
- Yeah, he's definitely crazy.
Hey, Sheila, where's the
tank part of you going?
- Why do you keep explaining things to me?
I understand the situation perfectly.
I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.
- Yeah. What are you, the
narrator now or something?
- I just want everyone to be
on the same page about Wyoming
ambushing us at the Red base.
- We know.
- Wyoming.
The bad guy.
- We know!
- And we're here at the Red
base, which isn't the Blue
base or the caves or the
cliffs or that weird tree or
the windmill.
- We get it, dude. We're
standing right here.
- Maybe we should take this from the top.
Do you want to write this down?
- No.
- I think your friend
here has lost his marbles.
- Oh, you want to see crazy?
Wait until you try to take my fucking kid.
What do you want with him, anyway?
He never did anything to you.
- It's not what he did.
It's what he's going to do.
That child is very special.
- Yeah, I know.
I guess I should have read
to him more or something.
- Not that kind of special, you half-wit.
I mean he's important.
- Red base. No one is
in the state of Wyoming.
- There's the base.
- It looks like they're in trouble.
Is that that bounty hunter guy?
That guy's a dick.
- Ah, the blues have
overextended themselves and
spread their forces too thin.
Classic blunder.
Change of plans, men.
Instead of hitting Blue base,
we're going to take back our
own base.
- Tank!
- Oh shit!
- Re-change of plans, men!
- Fuck this!
- Blue base it is.
- That little alien of yours
has a very important destiny
to fulfill.
And we're going to make sure he doesn't.
- Well, he's not here, so guess what?
You're shit outta luck.
- I'm well aware.
My partner is taking care of that little
acquisition right now.
I'm just here to tidy up a bit.
- How'd you sneak up on us, anyway?
Tex, I thought you were
supposed to be good at this
stealth stuff.
- I am.
- Wow, that's awesome.
Good for you.
- Oh no.
Tex has gone invisible.
Whatever shall I do?
Fretting, worry.
- Dude, I wouldn't sound so smug.
She kicked your ass last time,
and you weren't outnumbered
like you are now.
- (laughing) It worked!
I can't believe Caboose came through!
How do you like that, Wyoming?
We even have our tank now.
Boo-yah, motherfucker!
- (laughing smugly) Your tank?
- Knock knock, Church.
- Oh shit.
- (laughing) It worked!
I can't believe Caboose came through.
How do you like that, Wyoming?
We even have our tank now.
Boo-yah, motherfuck-
- Sheila, um, did you send the
tank out there to help them?
- Negative.
- Oh.
So the tank went out there,
on its own.
- Affirmative.
- Sheila, I think they
might be in trouble.
- Affirmative.
- I should help them!
- Affirmative.
- I can go out there-
- Negative.
- And help them beat Wyoming-
- Negative.
- And save the day-
- No.
- And everyone will love me!
- What?
- Especially Church!
- My sensors indicate
you don't stand a chance.
- Thanks, Sheila.
This is a great plan!
- You know, I really can't
thank you enough for leaving
your tank completely unattended.
It was very kind of you, old chap.
Makes your defeat and
humiliation so much easier.
- Yeah? Well, great.
Glad we could help.
I'm sure if you give us
enough time, we'll just kill
ourselves, save you some ammo.
- If it makes you feel any
better, your death is for a
very noble cause.
- What do you want with
Tucker's kid, anyway?
- What? How did we get here?
What?
- What's wrong with you?
- With me? What's happening?
- Um, we're being held prisoner.
Where the hell have you been?
- What? How?
I'm so confused.
- What do you mean, how? Are you retarded?
- But Tex. She-
- I know.
Tex'll take him out.
- Oh, right, Tex.
You mean her?
Poor Tex.
Never could figure out
when she'd been beaten.
- What? How'd you know where she was?
- What do you mean?
That's where she was before.
- Before what?
Tucker, have you gone insane?
- Wait a minute.
What's going on?
- I think he knows.
- I think you're right.
- Church.
I am coming to help.
Don't start without me.
- It's the idiot.
Take care of him, quickly.
- Right.
- Caboose, no!
Stay back!
Don't get near the tank!
(scream)
- Caboose!
No!
- Whoa.
Looks like the blue on just
got killed by the tank.
- A Blue got killed by their own tank?
Man, I just had the
weirdest sense of deja vu.
- Hey, speaking of getting
tanked, we should see if the
Blues have any beer around here.
- Hi-yo!
- Eliminate them.
- No!
Move!
Look out!
- Caboose!
Caboose!
Ah, fuck, he's not moving.
- I'm telling you, he's
dead, just like last time.
- Tucker, you are going to
start making sense right now.
That's an order.
- This already happened.
Wyoming shot Caboose.
Tex jumped Wyoming and knocked
his gun away, and then-
- Tex is unconscious!
- Fucking A, I know.
That's what I'm saying.
(shout)
- Uh-
I hit him!
I hit him!
I can't believe I hit,
I mean, I knew this
sniper rifle was awesome.
- This is just like last time.
Once Wyoming lost, everything seemed to,
reset.
- You know, I really can't
thank you enough for leaving
your tank completely unattended.
It was very kind of you, old chap.
Makes your defeat and
humiliation so much easier.
- Yeah?
Well, great.
Glad we could help.
I'm sure if you give us
enough time, we'll just kill
ourselves, save you some ammo.
- If it makes you feel any
better, your death is for a
very noble cause.
- What do you want with
Tucker's kid, anyway?
- What is going on?
- Um, we're being held prisoner.
Where the hell have you been?
- Church, don't you remember any of this?
- Tucker, what the fuck
are you talking about?
- He knows.
- How the devil is he keeping up with us?
- Irrelevant.
Eliminate him.
- No!
Move!
Tex, look out!
He knows where you are.
- What?
- Church, I am coming to help.
Don't start without me.
- Oh shit, I forgot about Caboose!
(gunshot)
- Argh, I am dead!
- Caboose!
No!
- Yowza.
Looks like the blue one just got sniped.
- Hey, speaking of getting
sniped, we should see if the
Blues have any beer around here?
- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
- I don't know.
It sounded a lot funnier in
my head before I said it.
- Man, I just had the
weirdest sense of deja vu.
- Aw crap.
- What do you mean, aw crap?
Caboose just got killed.
- Yeah, I know, but I'm
pretty sure it's OK.
Somehow, Wyoming keeps looping
us through the same events,
over and over again, and no
one but me seems to remember.
I don't know how, but every
time he gets hurt, things just
start-
- Yeah? Well, great.
Glad we could help.
I'm sure if you give us
enough time, we'll just kill
ourselves, save you some ammo.
- Yeah, what do you want
with my kid, anyway?
- You don't remember?
- Remember?
You never told me anything.
- I think it worked that time.
- Apparently.
Keep your eye on him next time.
- What the fuck are
you guys talking about?
Oh, you know what?
Never mind. Keep talking.
Waste time until Tex kills you.
- Oh, right, dear Tex.
You mean her?
Oh, poor Tex.
Never could understand when she was-
- Beaten?
- Oh dear.
- Reggie?
- That's right, bitch.
I take care of my kids.
- I am coming to help.
Don't start without me.
- Caboose, get the fuck out of here!
- OK, bye.
I don't want to help anymore.
- Whoa.
Looks the white guy just got stabbed.
- Hey, speaking of getting stabbed,
I think I have a headache
all of the sudden.
For some reason, I want a beer.
- Man, I just had the weirdest
sense of, man, what's that
thing called when you think
you've done something, but you
don't know if you did it?
- How the fuck should I know?
- Tucker, how did you know
that was going to happen?
- 'Cause of Wyoming.
You know how Tex said every
Freelancer had an AI and a
special ability?
- Yeah.
- I think Wyoming can loop
us through little segments of
time, and he just keeps doing
it over and over again until
he wins.
- Wait, what?
How many times did we loop?
- Who knows?
Doesn't matter now.
That cocksucker's dead.
- No, no, it does matter.
Don't you remember when we
came here to begin with, I got
stuck in a loop, and
every time I went back, I
left a bunch of
copies.
- Yes, everything is
coming together as planned.
And these fools still have no idea.
Once the young one gets
his sword, there will be no
stopping us.
- Hey, what about the other guy, dude?
Does he know about the
thing with the thing?
- No, that beast does not
suspect anything, either.
Everyone has played right into our hands.
(evil laugh)
OK, maybe that was a little loud.
(evil chuckle)
There.
That's better.
- They're getting away!
- Come on!
- Cut them off!
- Why aren't you being
affected by any of this?
- Remember the sniper shot.
- He said it has something
to do with the sword.
(shout)
- I told you to watch for the sniper shot.
- Who said? When?
- Just trust me.
- Get off the ledge, you fool.
(shout)
- The cliff!
Head for the cliff!
- This time, flank him.
- That's where Tex will be.
- Are you sure?
- No, not that way.
- Now I've got you!
- Whoa!
- Hey, you know what? I
kind of like this new,
all- knowing, badass Tucker.
You're certainly a lot
better than the old one.
- No, Church, wait!
The other way.
- Knock, knock, Church.
- Son of a bitch!
- I meant the other other way.
My bad, dude.
- I take back what I said.
You still suck.
- OK, Tex, perfect.
Now listen.
- What the hell?
Why do you guys keep
giving away my position?
- It doesn't matter!
They know you're here anyway.
Duck!
- See?
- What is going on?
- Tex, this is almost going to
be impossible to explain, but
he knows exactly what's going
on, and we just need to trust
him.
- Trust him?
10 minutes ago, he shot me.
- Yeah, well that's, I
mean, you know, come on.
He's kind of a bitch.
But don't worry.
Now that we're together, I'm
sure he has an awesome plan.
Right, Tucker?
- Right. Now you guys stay
here and distract the Wyomings.
I'm gonna take care of that fucking tank.
- Distract?
How?
- Not getting killed is
a great way to start.
Watch your back!
- Jesus!
- Caboose, are you ready to help?
I need you to do something.
- Great.
- I need you to run out there
and get the tank to shoot at
you and draw it closer to the ship.
It's going to be really dangerous.
- OK.
- Caboose, that's why I always liked you.
Everything falls into two categories.
Either you don't understand
it, or you just don't care.
- Yeah, I don't really know
what you mean by that, but I
guess it doesn't matter.
- Exactly.
- Why didn't you have Tex or Church help?
Is it because I'm the best?
- No, it's because Church is an asshole,
and Tex doesn't trust me right now.
- Really? Why not?
- Eh, because I got to use a
sniper rifle, and I ended up
unloading a round into her ass.
- Hey chicka bum bum.
- Caboose, what did I tell you about that?
- Sorry, sorry.
- Hey, big, mean tank jerk.
Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?
Yeah, that's more like it.
Uh-oh.
Uh, OK, um, Tucker, um, um, here it comes.
Tucker?
Tucker?
Um, yeah.
I, I didn't really need anything.
I,
I, I just wanted to say, um, hi?
- Now, Sheila!
- Affirmative.
- What? No!
- Did you get him, Sheila?
- I have him.
He is currently isolated
behind a firewall.
He is attempting to get through, but it
will take some time.
He is not that smart.
- I heard that.
- Great.
Caboose, stay here. I'll be back in a bit.
- OK.
But I still don't know what's happening.
Good tank?
Nice tank?
- Man, that seems like a really big fight.
- Yeah.
Looks like they don't
stand much of a chance.
Ha, those Blues are finally
getting what they deserve.
I always knew this day would come.
- You mean, you knew that the
Blues would be killed by an
unknown group of clone enemies
while in control of our base,
and while we were in control of theirs?
Seriously?
You knew that was coming?
- Absolutely. It's so obvious.
Durr.
What a glorious day to be Red!
- And the best part of it all
is that the Blues are finally
going to be driven out of the
canyon, and we get to sit on
the sidelines.
Man, someone does all the
battling, and we just have to
kick back and let them
take the glory, while
we enjoy the benefits.
We don't have to do anything.
(grumbling)
- (sigh) You know, one of these
days, and I don't know when,
I'm going to learn to
shut my fucking mouth.
- OK, I'll take the ones on the right.
You take the ones on the left.
- There's twice as many on the left.
- I know. I can count.
- Just keep backing them up.
- Why? What are we waiting, wait a second.
What the hell is that music?
(tejano music grows louder)
(Wyomings shouting)
- Hyah!
Now that's what I call riding shotgun.
Blammo!
Ha ha.
- Excellent shot and
follow-up one-liner, sir.
- Thank you, Simmons.
(shout)
- Now get to blasting.
- On it, sir.
Yeah, suck it Blue!
And you too, white, you suck it, crackers!
- Crackers?
I thought you were Dutch-Irish.
- Fuck that shit.
Shut up and drive, bitch.
Yeah, get some!
Suck it, bitch!
Oh, you want some?
How about this?
You like that?
- I got plenty more here.
- Take that, you honky motherfuckers!
- Hey, Reds.
Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?
- Uh, is he going to be OK?
- I am Caboose, the vehicle destroyer!
- Yeah, probably.
- Hey, one of them's still alive.
(groaning)
- What's your plan, Wyoming?
Why are you here, and what
do you want with Junior?
- He already told me.
My kid is the last part of that big
prophecy we thought failed.
He's supposed to become some
big religious savior for their
whole race or some crap.
- What?
- Yeah.
So they want to make Junior
fulfill the prophecy and have
O'Malley infect him.
Then they can use him to
enslave all the aliens by
corrupting their religion from the inside.
- OK, that's disgusting.
- No, that's our job, to
win the war at any cost.
- Yeah, well good luck.
Now that we have you, all we
need to do is stop O'Malley,
and Tex will be more
than happy to do that.
- Oh, on the contrary, my friend.
Now that she knows our plan,
not only will she not stop us,
our dear Tex is going to help us.
- Oh yeah.
I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley.
Isn't that right, Tex?
Tex?
- He's right.
(radio noise)
- This is Freelancer Tex,
broadcasting on an open channel.
- Tex!
What are you doing?
- You want me, O'Malley?
Come and get me.
- Hey, Caboose.
Caboose!
Come out so I can shoot
you, you fuckstick.
- Where did Caboose go?
- I don't see him.
Caboose!
- Come out, Caboose.
All we want to do is shoot you.
- Don't listen to them.
It's a trick.
- This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting
on an open channel.
- This is Private Church, broadcasting
on an open channel.
- Why are the Blues on the radio?
- Who knows?
Hey, Blues, shut the fuck up.
Get off our radios and quit
running our batteries down.
(beeping)
- Do it now, or I will kill every last one
of you, and then everyone
else here as well,
just to prove a point.
(evil laugh)
- Whoa, Simmons, hey.
Don't you think that was
a little over the top?
- Suck it, you fool.
- And what's wrong with your voice?
- Nothing.
Why does something have
to be wrong with my voice?
Maybe something's wrong with your voice.
Ever think about that, cocksucker?
- Um, you do know that's Sarge
you're talking to, right?
- I mean, cocksucker, sir!
(evil chuckling)
- This is Private Church,
broadcasting on an open channel.
- What are you doing?
- I'm making you harder to find.
Tucker!
Turn on your radio.
- Fuck that.
If O'Malley gets me, he'll get the sword.
- Attention all Blues, turn
on your radio and start
broadcasting right now.
- OK, I'm on the radio too now.
This is fun.
What do you want to talk about?
- Well, he can't find you now, Tex.
- Don't get involved, Church.
Omega wants me, he can have me.
- Why?
So you can kidnap Tucker's kid
and enslave an entire race?
- Yeah, what's up with that, bitch?
- We have to win the war, Church.
- Well, what about after?
Do you think Omega is just
going to stop after he gets a
whole species for an army?
He's going to take over
everything, Tex, and you're
not going to be able to stop him.
- I guess we'll find out.
- Hey, uh, Church?
It's Doc.
Yeah, uh, you remember that
Blue leader guy down here?
Uh, he's just keeled over.
So I,
I think O'Malleys on his way.
Just FYI.
- Tex, shut off your radio.
- I would get away from me if I were you.
- Doc, any idea where he went?
- I have no idea.
And that alien buddy of his
took off with Junior, too.
Uh, if you want, I could look
for them on this computer down
here.
- Computer?
What?
- Yeah.
It's showing us the whole canyon.
What's with all the dead white guys?
- What computer?
Whatever.
Listen, just keep looking for
him and tell me if you find
him.
- OK.
- Hey, uh, shouldn't you
try to help this guy?
- What?
- Aren't you like the medic or something?
- Yeah, OK, whatever.
Shut up. You talk too much.
- Hey. You think I can use
this thing to check Myspace?
(guns cocking)
- Tex.
Is he in there?
- No.
Is he in you?
- Bullshit.
I think you're lying.
I think that-
- Nothing!
Why does something have
to be wrong with my voice?
Maybe something's wrong with your voice.
Did you ever think about that, cocksucker?
- Fuck!
Tucker, stop her.
- Hey, who the hell are
you calling a buffoon?
I am not a buffoon.
I don't even know what a buffoon is.
- Both of you, shut up.
- Seriously, what is it?
Some kind of monkey?
It's a monkey, isn't it?
- You fool.
- Hey, Reds.
- Freeze, you dirty Blue!
- No no no no.
Hey, I'm here to help.
Omega's on the loose, and I
think he's infected one of
your guys.
- Infected?
Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men.
- Ow!
What the fuck?
- I didn't say who.
I think it's actually Simmons.
- That's OK.
That's how all our emergency plans begin.
- Simmons, get off that gun right now.
- No.
- What did you say to me?
- I said no, (evil laugh).
How do you like that?
No.
- Well, since you asked,
I don't like it at all.
- First, I'm going to kill you.
And then my plan to be leader
of the Reds will be complete.
After that, I'm going to kill
every being in the universe.
From now on, everyone will kiss my ass!
(laughing)
- Uh, yeah, it's definitely
Simmons that got infected.
- Well, no shit.
Donut, initiate Emergency Plan
Traitorous Simmons Number 11.
- On it, sir.
- Ow!
(gasping and coughing)
- Donut!
I said plan 11!
- Where am I going to get a steamroller?
- Simmons, do not fire that weapon.
That's an order.
- Too late, Sarge.
Simmons is getting a promotion.
Mwahaha, ow, the back of my lower leg!
Ow, the side of my head!
The back of my face!
The front of my front!
- Hey, Church, I think Tex is over here.
- Thanks for the update.
- Tex, I know now might not be
the best time, but I'd really
like you to consider coming
over to the Red team.
Technically, you know,
black is just a really
dark shade of red.
We'll talk later.
(radio noise)
- Church, are we still
talking on the radio?
'cause I'd love to talk on the radio.
What?
What am I doing in this idiot?
Hee- guh- gah- gerk.
- (sigh) Crap.
Sarge, I need you to do me a favor.
If I'm not out of there in 10
minutes, I'm going to need you
to disable that ship.
'Cause if Tex gets out of here
with O'Malley and that kid,
there's no one that's going to be able
to stop her.
- What the hell was he talking about?
- Oh.
Tex and Omega have some kind
of stupid plan to enslave the
whole alien race.
But Church thinks if she does,
she's gonna become the queen
of the universe or some shit.
- (gasp) Queen of the universe?
No one even told me we
were having a competition.
(popping sound)
- Oh crap.
- What in Sam Hill just happened here?
- I'll tell you what happened.
My own fucking teammate, ow!
- Nice to have you back, Simmons.
- Thank you, sir.
Good to be back.
Cocksucker.
- All right, then.
Let's go blow up that ship.
- Hey, Church said to
wait until he gets out.
- Well, that's a nice idea, son.
But blowing up stuff ain't a democracy.
Simmons, where can we get some explosives?
- Well, if you'll recall, we
recently saw Andy the bomb and
Lopez in one of the caves.
So-
- Of course. Come on, men.
Let's go ask Lopez if he
knows where we can find some
explosives.
- (sigh) Excellent plan, sir.
- Man, this place has really gone to hell.
I guess maintenance isn't a priority.
Caboose!
Tex!
Anyone in here?
(metallic noise)
Who's that?
Caboose? Tex? Omega?
- Freeze!
Look, I captured someone.
I am the best.
I mean, I'm the best
one that isn't Caboose.
- Great job, Simon.
- Thanks, orangest guy, whose
name I really don't remember.
- Let's all go shopping to celebrate.
- Arr, let's be making him walk the plank.
- Oh.
Hey, Reds.
Hey, have you guys seen Omega or Tex?
- Stop asking questions, you.
We don't like questions in here.
Thinking of answers makes
people's heads hurt.
- Hey, guys, what's up?
- Tucker?
How did you get in here?
- I'm in here all the time.
I have this sword now.
You might think it's cool, but it isn't.
Nobody wants to play with it
because it's dumb, and even
though I don't let people play
with it, no one cares anyway.
Because it's dumb.
- Oh.
Right.
Tucker.
- Also, I'm stupid and
ugly, and my butt stinks.
Like a butt.
- All right, OK, OK.
Guys, listen.
I need you to take me to Mr. Caboose.
Can you do that?
- (gasp) Why would we do that?
- Oh.
Uh, because I am, ugh.
Because I'm his best friend.
- Oh. Nice to meet you.
- Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose.
We be having a prisoner for you, we do.
- I thought you had a pirate accent.
- Arr, I'm not very consistent.
Yarr.
- Caboose, hey.
It's me, Church.
- Yes. Hello, Church.
You must be very happy to see me.
- Yeah, right, of course.
I'm so happy, I want to fucking puke.
- Hey, what's up.
- Hey, who the fuck are you?
Sister?
- Yup, I'm Sister.
Church's twin brother.
I came here in a spaceship
that came from the moon.
It crashed next to Blue base,
and now I live with Caboose,
and the people from the tail
section of the spaceship live
on the other side of the island.
- What the fuck? That's like
wrong in eight different ways.
- Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
- Caboose, do you ever listen
to anything that we tell you?
- New Church is my best friend.
- I would argue with that,
too, but what's the point?
- Did I mention that I had a
baby, but I won't tell anyone
how babies are made?
Not that it matters, because
everyone knows how anyway.
Stupid babies.
- OK, enough.
Has anybody seen Tex or Omega?
I'm in kind of a rush.
- I haven't.
But you know who might know?
Those two new people that we
saw fighting over by the ramps.
We could ask them.
- OK.
Let's go do that.
Oh shit.
They're not fighting. That's bad for me.
All right, Tucker, quick.
I need you to jump out there
and kill them with your sword.
If they die in here, they get
forced out of Caboose's head.
- No way! That sounds scary!
You do it.
I'm going to get back to
my busy day smelling butts.
- Dude, I can't!
Your sword only works
for y, wait a minute.
There's no possible way
he understands that.
Fuck it. Give me the sword, dude.
- OK, Andy.
We're going to need you to
get in that ship and explode.
You think you can take
out the whole thing?
- You bet!
Just say the word, and I'll detonate.
Man, this is gonna be great!
- Hello, Lopez.
- Yes.
It is good to see you again.
- Oh, Lopez.
Looks like your girlfriend's
put on a little weight.
- Andy, that's rude.
- What?
You were all thinking it.
I mean, I'm just saying.
Someone should seriously consider
switching to unleaded.
- But I have your word that
none of them will be hurt.
(evil laugh)
- Tex, get away from him!
Stab!
Boo-yah!
- No! Dammit, Church!
- Awesome. I'm like a fucking Jedi.
Oh, fuck. They're both dead.
Quick. Somebody kill me.
Quick. Hurry, please.
Somebody, anybody, please,
just fucking kill me!
- Why?
- Because I need to get out of here.
Come on, please.
Hurry, quick, just kill me, please.
Hurry. It'll be fun.
I'm a dick.
- None of our guns work.
We just have them for show.
- Mine is just a purse.
- Ah, you know, never mind.
(grunt)
- Hey, can I ask you one quick q-
(popping sound)
- Caboose, what happened?
- Tex appeared out of nowhere
and beat up Tucker, which was
awesome, and took his sword.
Also, someone may have been
surprised by that and peed his
pants just a little bit.
Or a lot.
- I was only behind him like 30 seconds.
What the fuck? Where is she?
- She took the sword and a
Wyoming helmet to the ship.
I think she went to the
ship to save Tucker's kid.
He's on the ship too now.
- Fuck! What about O'Malley?
Where's he?
(radio noise)
- (laughing)
That's the problem with living
in a patriarchal society.
Men just automatically
assume they know everything
(laughing)
- Never mind.
(popping sound)
- Huh?
What is this place?
Hey, buddy, are you OK?
(electrical noise)
- What's that noise?
Well, fuck.
- Hello, fellows.
How's everything going out here?
- Not good.
Hey, you don't sound evil anymore.
- Thanks for noticing, private.
Yeah, being possessed
by an evil force can be
difficult at times.
But with a little hard work
and positive thinking, you can
overcome anything.
- I think you mean hard work,
positive thinking, and no
longer being useful as a
pawn in their evil plan.
- Yeah, that too.
So who are we fighting today?
- Oh, you know, the usual.
Tex, Red team.
- Red team.
Those old rascals.
Some things never change.
They still wearing red armor these days?
- Um, yeah.
- Oh, Red team.
- Hey, I could use some help.
- You bet.
And I have some information
about the Reds that will
guarantee our victory.
- You do?
- I certainly do.
Would you like to hear it?
- Yeah, I wanna hear it.
- Great.
Because I'm just about to tell you.
- OK, why aren't you telling me?
- Good question.
I seem to be dramatically
pausing for some,
ker bleaahh.
- Well, good riddance.
I wasn't giving this armor back, anyway.
- Whoa, easy, Donut.
You've been infected by a
computer virus, and we just
need to figure out what to do about it.
- (goofy evil laugh) No!
It's my body, it's my choice.
And another thing, why do I do
as much work as you guys, but
I only make 92%-
- Hey, don't hit my soldiers
without my permission.
I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers.
(evil laugh)
Yeah, eat lead, world.
Drop and give me infinity.
- Sarge, you've finally gone crazy.
Whoa, that's weird.
I have a sudden urge to
conquer the universe.
Which is odd for me because, well, that
would take actual work.
I think I'll just fall asleep instead.
- We're here.
Is anyone hurt?
Does anyone need to be killed?
(evil laugh)
- I know that laugh.
Nobody move.
You know what, I don't really
feel all that different.
(semi-evil chuckle)
Nah, feels pretty much the same.
That's, that's kinda weird.
I maybe expected more?
(radio noise)
- Where'd he go?
Where'd he go?
Is he gone?
(beeping)
- Tex?
- Church, run.
- Tex, don't!
- You have no idea what
kind of trouble you are in.
- Wait, Tex, you don't want to do this.
- Sheila, are you ready?
- All systems online.
Ignition coil activated.
Starting thrusters.
- Launch when ready.
- Please take your seats.
Launching in three, two, one.
- Tex, don't do this.
- Liftoff.
- Goodbye.
- We have to stop her right now.
- No problemo, Blue.
(radio noise)
- Andy, you there?
- I'm here, Coach.
- What's going on?
- Tex is hooking up Wyoming's
helmet to the computer.
- Ready for your job, soldier?
- You bet!
- All right then, son.
Do what you were born to do.
Detonate.
- Hey, you want me to
start from 10 or three?
Come on, let's build it up a little bit.
Suspense, it'll kill them.
- I told you to disable
the ship, not destroy it!
- Oh, well, score one for
the Red team, I guess.
- What about my kid?
- Six.
- Oh, right.
Score two.
- Four.
- Andy, do not-
- Three.
- Detonate.
Can you see her heading?
- Two.
- Do you know where she's going?
- One.
- Tex?
- Boo, no explosion.
That sucked.
- Ha ha, blammo!
- Wow, that explosion was awesome.
- What explosion? I didn't see it.
Do it again.
- Uh, Church, what should we do?
- Do whatever you want.
I'm going home.
- Yeah, fuck this.
- Sarge, are we fighting?
- No, Simmons, I think they've
had their ass kicked enough
for one day.
Let's leave some for tomorrow.
♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪
♪ One day, we'll cruise
down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪
♪ It's Red versus Red
and Blue versus Blue ♪
♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪
- Church?
- Yeah?
- You ever wonder why we're here?
- You know, Caboose, I used to not care.
I just went along with orders
and hoped that everything
would work out for me.
But after all that's happened,
you know what I've learned?
It's not about hating the
guy on the other side because
someone told you to.
I mean, you should hate
someone because they're an
asshole or a pervert or snob,
or they're lazy or arrogant or
an idiot or a know-it-all.
Those are reasons to dislike somebody.
You don't hate a person
because someone told you to.
You have to learn to despise
people on a personal level,
not because they're Red
or because they're Blue,
but because you know them,
and you see them every single day,
and you can't stand them
because they're a complete
and total fucking douchebag.
- I meant why are we up here
in the sun, when we could be
standing down there in the shade.
- Oh.
Yeah, OK.
Let's go stand in the shade.
- What are they doing?
- What?
- I said, what are they doing now?
- I don't know, man, talking.
That's all these guys ever do.
They just stand around and talk.
- What are they talking about?
- You know what? I hate you.
- Yeah. I hate you too, buddy.
- Hey, ladies, get down here.
I built a new vehicle from
some old Warthog parts we had
laying around.
- It's an ATV!
It's awesome.
- Front and center on the double.
We need help naming this thing.
And nothing stupid this time.
- I get to name this one.
- Why?
- Because you named the last one.
- Hey, Simmons?
Just one thing.
- What?
- Shotgun.
- Fuck.
♪ Violets are blue, roses are red ♪
♪ Living like this, we were already dead ♪
♪ Hop in my car, it don't have any doors ♪
♪ It's built like a cat,
it lands on all fours ♪
♪ My car's like a puma,
it drives on all fours ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ Cyan is the sparkle in the sky ♪
♪ Yellow sun reflected in your eye ♪
♪ Red flows through the
passion in your art ♪
♪ Cobalt blue, the wisdom in your heart ♪
♪ When we're together, colors
don't matter much to us ♪
♪ When we're together, eight
bits is enough for us ♪
♪ Corazon feathers flying
inside the copper line ♪
♪ When we're together, they
are yours, and they are mine ♪
♪ Dark is for the killer that's inside ♪
♪ Light surrounds the
goodness that you hide ♪
♪ Purple hearts are
tugging at our sleeve ♪
♪ We stole fire ♪
♪ Now there's nothing left to thieve ♪
♪ When we're together, colors
don't matter much to us ♪
♪ When we're together, eight
bits is enough for us ♪
♪ Corazon feathers flying
inside the copper line ♪
♪ When we're together, they
are yours, and they are mine ♪
(hammering)
(glass breaking)
- Hey, Doc, what the
hell's going on in there?
- Church, everything's fine.
The patient is just resting.
- Doesn't sound like he's resting.
- That's not Tucker.
That's our new arrival.
- Blarg!
- He's got a lot of energy
since his first feeding.
- Tucker fed the baby?
Gross.
- Actually, Caboose was kind
enough to donate some blood.
You know what they say,
it takes a village.
- How'd you get him to agree to that?
- It's amazing what Caboose
will do if you promise him a
cookie and a glass of orange juice.
- Blarg! Honk!
- But he hates needles.
- No needles.
It turns out if you just
expose some bare skin, the
little guy just digs right in.
It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
- I feel dizzy.
- Um, is he going to be OK?
- Tucker's kid drank
half a gallon in one go.
Isn't that cool?
- Honk.
- I think he's going to be a linebacker.
Or a vampire.
Or a vampire linebacker!
That would be crazy.
- Oooh.
- Anyway, blood is pretty
important, so Caboose is bound
to have some side effects,
like dizziness or nausea or
sensitivity to light.
- I think I'm going to
stop standing up now.
- Or passing out.
- Church, if I die, I want
you to have my orange juice.
(Junior shouting)
- How can Tucker sleep
with all that racket?
- Sleeping? He's not sleeping.
He's in a coma.
- All right, that's it.
Get out of the way, Doc.
I'll take care of this.
- I can't feel my torso.
- I don't think so.
A newborn is really
susceptible to infection and
disease and cuddling.
I only want to expose it to
as few people as possible.
- Doc, don't worry.
I'm not going to give it a cold.
I'm just going to go in
there, step on its neck,
and shoot it in the head.
Because that's how I roll.
- Well now you're
definitely not coming in.
And I think we're going to
send back your shower gift,
too.
- I'm still laying here.
Why won't anyone help me?
- I'll tell you what.
I promise to wash my
hands before I destroy the
abomination of nature, OK?
- Sorry.
- Doc, seriously, you
can't keep me from going
inside my own base.
- Church, don't make me pull rank on you.
- Rank? What the fuck?
I outrank, you don't outrank me.
I'm a captain.
- No, you're a private
with a dead captain.
The last time I checked,
that makes you a private.
With a dead captain.
- My body is trying to die.
- OK, fine. Then we're both privates.
You don't outrank me.
- No, I'm medical
super-private, first class.
- That's not a real rank.
- Yes, it is.
- Since when?
- Uh, since I sent them a
letter every day for four
years requesting that promotion.
- Blarg!
- They promoted you for that?
You haven't even used your weapon!
- Leadership isn't
about firing bullets and
stabbing people, Church.
Leadership is about
being able to tell others
to fire bullets and stab people.
- If I've been bitten, does
that mean I'm going to turn
into one of them?
- Shut up, Caboose.
- Blarg.
- Shut up, Caboose.
- Oh no, don't let me turn.
(crashing noise)
- What the hell was that?
- I didn't feel anything.
- I'll be right back.
Don't feed anymore of our
soldiers to the alien.
- OK, but I can't make any promises.
- Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.
- Oh, shut up, Caboose.
- Now he's cursing at me.
- Simmons, status report (coughing).
- Um, an enormous thing just
fell out of the sky, and it
landed on Donut, sir.
- (cough) Are there any other injuries?
- No, sir.
- Are you sure?
- I think so.
- Are you sure?
No one accidentally got shot
in the face when someone
else's shotgun just
accidentally went off during
the incredible distraction
of a spaceship crash landing,
purely by coincidence?
- Uh, I don't know-
- No one orange?
- Ugh, I'm fine.
- Sorry, sir.
- I really need to adjust
the sights on this thing.
- What about Private Donut, sir?
There's no way he survived that.
Poor Donut.
I'll miss him like a sister.
- I'll miss him like,
well, like someone I knew, but
that I don't really want to
reflect on how deep our relationship went.
(tapping)
- Wait a second.
Do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.
- All I hear is you
guys talking about your
feelings for Donut.
And I have to say, I'm not
really comfortable with that.
- Listen. There it is again.
- You're absolutely right.
That sounds like Morris code.
- Um, excuse me, sir.
It's actually not Morris code.
It's Morse code, sir.
- Morse?
(laughing) That sounds ridiculous.
I don't think so.
- Yes.
Morse is the person who
developed an international
code for communicating without audio.
Morris was a television
cat that sold cat food.
- And that cat was one of
our finest military minds.
Don't you see?
That just means Donut is alive
and trying to contact us.
Now get to tapping.
- Maybe we can lift the
ship off of him somehow.
- Great idea, Simmons.
I've read reports that people
can get enormous strength in
stressful situations.
There was one woman who
lifted a car off her baby.
- You want me to call Donut's mother?
- Don't make me angry, Grif.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Now if only there were some
way to tap into our inner
rage, like that Hulk fella.
Dagnabbit, there's never any
gamma radiation around when
you need it.
- Well, what if we tried
getting into the ship and
lowering the landing gear?
That might raise the ship.
- Or we could build an army
of clones that could lift the
ship.
- I think the jack in the
Warthog might be able to lift
it.
- Could develop a machine
that shrinks the ship, or that
makes Donut gigantic!
Or both.
- Or we could try digging
underneath the hull.
- I've got it!
A levitation ray.
I think I have a spare in the base.
I'll be right back.
- But sir!
- Simmons, there's no time to chat about
your crackpot theories.
This is a crisis situation.
Time to save us all with science.
- (sigh) Sarge just drove
away with our jack, didn't he?
- And our shovels.
Sometimes I'm amazed our
entire platoon hasn't starved
to death.
- What the fuck are you guys
doing out here, breaking the
canyon?
- Fuck off, Blue.
A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
- What, this ship?
- No, another ship.
Then that ship left,
and this ship crashed in
the exact same spot.
- Where did it come from?
- It's a spaceship.
It came from space.
- Dibs.
- What?
- Dibs.
I just called dibs.
This is my ship now.
Dibs.
- No it isn't, jackass.
We found it first.
- Yeah, but you didn't call dibs.
I did. Dibs.
See?
- You can't call dibs on a spaceship.
That's ridiculous.
- Yeah, yes I can.
Dibs. See?
I just did it again.
Now, get the fuck away
from my ship, tomato can.
- Don't call me tomato can.
- Try and take it, then.
- Um, OK.
Sheila?
- You bet.
- Fuck.
- You forgot about that, too, didn't you?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Now step away from the ship, tomato can.
- Ha ha, tomato can.
- You, too, lemon head.
- Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
(laughing)
(tapping)
- What the hell is that tapping noise?
It sounds like Morris code.
- Morse.
- Sheila, if he corrects me
again, please make him blow up.
- Ha ha, sounds like fun.
- Well, what does it say?
- It says "tap tap tap." We don't know.
- We were trying to translate
it when you showed up and
interrupted us.
- No, when I interrupted you,
you were standing around doing
nothing, just like the last 50
times I interrupted you guys.
(tapping)
- Oh, wait, wait, wait. Listen, listen.
Listen.
It says, "Red sucks balls."
Hey, look, my new ship can talk.
And it knows things. That's a good ship.
- It's not your ship. It's our ship.
We called it, and it came.
- I don't know. I don't
see any markings on it.
- It landed on Donut.
- That was fantastic.
- How in the heck would that
mean, oh, wait, the pink guy?
Oh, I actually liked him.
- Seriously, what's with all
these feelings for Donut?
- You can't have the ship.
- I'm not asking for it.
It's already mine.
Right, Sheila?
- Actually, I kind of like it.
I think it is mine.
- Hey, are you OK?
- I think there's something
wrong with the tank.
- Yeah, I noticed.
- I've got an idea.
- Whoa. Hold on a second.
Before you get too deep into
this, let me remind you that
we don't exactly have a good
track record when it comes to
our plans and that tank.
- Come on, Grif.
I think the tank's malfunctioning.
- Well, only one part of it
has to function for me to get
turned into a cloud of orange mist.
- OK, just be cool.
- I am cool. You be cool.
- Bad news, fellas.
I couldn't find that levitation ray.
But I did find the remote
control to, hey, what's going
on out here?
What do you think you're
doing, you lousy Blue?
- I'm just trying to figure
out what the deal is with this
spaceship.
- Dibs!
- Too late.
- Dagnabbit.
Why do ever leave you
two to guard anything?
Everybody knows about the
international dibs protocol!
And the no take-backs accord.
- See, guys? This is our ship.
And by ours, I mean mine
and my 80-ton friend.
- Bye, everyone.
- Um-
(guns cocking)
- I'm gonna be right back.
(Sheila laughing)
- Hey, Blue! You know that
ship you called dibs on?
Well, I got next.
Ha!
Now the ship is mine again!
- Excellent strategy, sir.
- Jesus. Remember we used to
solve problems with violence?
Ah, the good old days.
- Caboose, where's Doc?
- Doc left.
Took the baby for a walk.
It's growing up so fast.
Seems like just yesterday, he was born.
- Well, actually, that's
because he was born today.
Like, an hour ago.
- We need to cherish these times.
I wish I knew how to scrapbook.
- Where's Tucker?
- Still in a coma.
- Great.
Tucker's out, Sheila's on
the fritz, and now Doc is
babysitting.
Caboose, if we survive the
next five minutes, I'll be
fucking amazed.
- I'm fine, by the way.
Don't worry about me.
I'm so cold.
- Quit your yammering.
Now let's see if we can
get this thing moving.
I was thinking about our
discussion earlier, and-
- And you decided to use one of my ideas?
- Of course not.
I've got a new, much more realistic plan
for lifting the ship.
If Donut is underneath, all
we need to do is enrage him to
the point where he can lift the ship,
and our work is done.
Now quick, help me think.
What would make Donut furious?
- I don't know.
Have you tried sharing your plan with him?
That'd probably do it.
- Hey, Donut.
I was back at the base, reading some of
your fashion mags.
They said that pink is
no longer the new black.
Turns out black is the new
black, and pink is the old
black, which is now white.
And it's after Labor Day.
You know what that means.
- Oh, dear god.
- Also, we needed to do some
minor rust repairs on the
Warthog's drivetrain.
The bad news is that the only
lubricants I could find were
your imported hand creams.
The good news is, the jeep
now smells like lilacs.
Rusty metal lilacs.
- This has got to be the-
- Yeah, this doesn't seem to be working.
All right, time for Plan B.
- Break into the ship and
see if we can raise it-
- No, Plan B is to try to
induce superpowers in Grif.
Simmons, get my jar of radioactive
spiders out of the Warthog.
Come here, Grif. I need
to borrow your neck.
(metallic scraping)
- Did you just hear that?
- Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working!
Quick, Grif, give me a list
of the latest celebrity breakups!
Simmons, help me out!
- Hey, Donut, I heard they
canceled daytime television.
- Hey, Donut, command called.
They rejected your new definition
for "fire in the hole."
They're gonna stick with the old one.
- Oh, Donut, I heard that the
Winter Olympics is gonna focus
even more on snowboarding next time.
- I can't take this.
I'm gonna go watch some football.
- Grif's been using your
paisley thong as a slingshot.
- Hey, Doc.
We got problems, man.
I need to call command.
Hello?
Earth to Doc?
I mean, this place to Doc.
- Don't you want to say
hello to our new friend?
- What?
- Hawp?
- I don't-
I- I can't-
I can't- I don't-
this is-
- Take your time.
This is a big moment.
- Blarg.
- I can't deal with this right now.
- Hah.
- Shut up. You're disgusting.
Doc, what is Vic's number?
- What for?
- For reinforcements.
Wait, unless you've had, like,
specialized combat training
in the last 10 minutes.
- Uh, nope.
- Then yeah, reinforcements.
- Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.
- That doesn't count.
- I don't know.
It was a real doozy.
Number two.
- Doc, focus.
Vic's number, what is it?
- Come on, Church.
Everybody remembers Vic's number.
Didn't he ever teach you the song?
- Oh, right.
Vic's jingle.
- If you want to talk,
don't email, and don't
you click, click, click, click.
Just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K.
- You know, it probably
would have been more
memorable if it rhymed,
or if his name actually ended in a K.
- Oh, music is a great
way to learn things.
That's how I studied for the MCAT.
- You passed the MCAT?
- (laughing) Not even close.
But you should really hear
my rendition of the Kelly
Clarkson song "Miss Independence."
It teaches you all about
the lymphatic systems.
Dome dah dome, lymphatic system.
- Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.
- Honk.
- And do me a favor. Kill
that fucking thing, would you?
- Blarg.
- Hey, dude. Vic.
- Hey, it's Church.
- This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K, doodly do.
I'm not in the casita right
now, so leave your lowdown at
the ding-dong.
Hasta.
(beep)
- Hey, Vic. This is Church.
I need to-
- You have reached the voice mail system.
- OK, OK, come on.
- To leave a message, just wait for
the tone.
- I know how to leave a goddamn message.
- When you are finished
recording, just hang up, or
press pound for more options.
- Really, hang up?
No shit.
I was just gonna keep talking
until he decided to check his
voice mail.
- For delivery options, press 5.
- Just give me the damn beep!
- To leave a callback
number, press 8.
To page this person, press 6.
- Come on!
- To repeat this message, press 9.
- I will fucking stab
you, computer phone lady!
(tapping)
- That tapping is going
to drive me insane.
We either need to get Donut
out of there or find a way to
kill him.
- Donut, can you please stop tapping?
We heard you.
You're crushed, and
you're in mortal danger.
We get it.
- I can feel the tapping in my brain.
- Well, I have to admit it.
I'm stumped.
I have no idea how to get him out.
- Jesus!
How long would it take
him to starve to death?
When was the last time he ate?
- Sarge, didn't you once tell
me you built self-destruct
mechanisms into our armor?
Can't you just use Donut's?
- No, sadly that's just you, Grif.
Although I could activate
yours if you'd like.
- How would that help?
- Well, the situation would
be a little less annoying.
- You want me to get the
activation code, sir?
- Eh, the activation code
is just "activation code."
Keep it simple.
- I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
(tapping)
- Oh my god.
Is it getting louder?
I bet the Blues don't have to put up with
annoying this annoying.
- To mark this message as urgent,
press 11.
- There is no 11, you fucking whore!
- Ooh, language.
- Men, it pains me as your
leader to say this, but I
think we need to admit defeat.
Years of experience on the
battlefield, and I've finally
met my match.
I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship.
A ship full of enemies, maybe, but never
just the ship itself.
Bravo, ship.
Bravo.
- Don't give up yet, sir.
I'm sure we can find a way to-
- Ah, Simmons, it's hopeless.
Let's start assigning
duties for our retreat.
- Uh, sir.
- Simmons, you can pack
up all the toiletries
and remaining MREs.
But make sure not to mix them
up, or we'll never be able to
tell them apart again.
- Sir, you really should turn around.
- Sure, and give the ship
a chance to rub it in.
No dice.
(beep)
- Vic, it's Church.
I need to-
- I'm sorry, but this person's voice
mailbox is full.
- Ugh. I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm gonna kill myself.
- Uh, what was all that about?
- Doc, we are royally screwed.
Half our team is down, and I think-
- No it's not.
Look.
Caboose is already back in action.
- I'm OK.
I'm OK.
I'm not OK.
- He's fine.
- Like I was saying,
half the team is down.
And the half that's left, sucks.
So all the reds need to do
is attack us, and we're dead.
- Honk.
- Oh, right.
And I have to kill this fucking thing.
- Also, I see a big ship.
Now I know I'm hallucinating.
- Oh, and I forgot that part.
The Reds also have an
enormous ship that was
sent by their command.
Probably has a huge fucking
weapon on it, like a nuke or a
biological weapon that's going
to melt our skin or a genetic
weapon that's going to make everyone
in blue armor sterile.
Awesome.
- Hmm.
Maybe this isn't the best
time to remind you that
technically, I'm neutral in this conflict.
- Doc, I don't think this situation
could get much worse.
I mean, the ship is bad
enough, but god knows what
kind of reinforcements
they have in that thing.
It could be a whole new
squad or a Freelancer or-
- Grif's sister?
- Yeah.
Isn't that cool?
- You know, I always knew
there was a genetic possibility
that Grif would have blood relatives.
But I always held onto the
hope that he was the horrible
byproduct of an experiment at
a turd manufacturing plant.
- Go home.
- What?
- Go home right now.
Get in your ship, uncrash
it, and fly it home.
- Whatever.
Make me.
- As much as I don't want
to spoil my reputation as a
do-nothing slacker I will not
hesitate to beat you senseless
and drop you in that ship myself.
- I thought you would be happy to see me.
- How did you even get here?
We're in the future.
- Hmm.
I think I know how.
Did you use your hyperdrive
to get here, or just the light
drive?
- Which one is the hippy drive?
Is that the one with all the
knobs, or is it the other one
with all the knobs?
- Yeah.
She probably came here
just using the light drive.
And as Einstein theorized
in his theory of relativity-
- English.
- When you travel near the
speed of light, time slows
down for you.
Essentially, she came forward
in time by traveling at light
speed.
- That's stupid.
- No, that's science.
- Didn't you ever read the
famous science fiction story
where the astronaut watches
his baby son being born, but
then he gets in a ship-
- No.
- Well, did you ever read the one where-
- No.
- How about-
- I didn't read any of them.
- Hey.
Who's the nerd?
- Excuse me.
I'm not a nerd.
My mom says there's nothing
shameful about being smart.
- All right, missy, there's
just one thing I don't get.
How'd you join the Army?
- What do you mean?
I just signed up.
- But you're a,
you know, you got lady parts.
- So?
- So unless this is the
cooking and sewing army-
- No, I meant to join the real Army.
- Does your gun shoot brownies?
- What?
- You'll have to excuse Sarge.
He comes from the old school.
- Thanks.
By the way, nobody says
old school anymore.
Actually, they told me I was
too young, so I grabbed an
extra suit of armor and boosted a shuttle.
- Glad you learned something from me.
- (laughing) No.
I'm just kidding.
I always wanted to do something like that.
- But why did you join the Army?
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- Well, you always looked after
me when Mom ran away to join
the circus.
- Wait a second. Hold on.
Your mom is in the circus?
You know, at first I didn't
like you, but you've already
made my insults 45% more
efficient by just saying one
sentence.
- Was your mom a flaming sword swallower?
We could use somebody to replace Donut.
- Nope.
You know how circuses have a
bearded lady and a fat lady?
Well, my mom plays both,
because she's, like, super
talented.
- Oh my god.
Is it OK if I record everything you say?
- Sure!
Anyway, Grif always looked
after me, but when he went
away, I didn't want to be alone.
- OK, let me get this straight.
You felt scared being alone,
so you decided to join a war.
- She's a Grif, all right.
- Wait a minute.
She was the one who was tapping.
- Duh.
- Yeah.
I was wondering why
you guys didn't answer.
- None of us know Morse code.
It's outdated.
- Don't you mean old school?
- No, don't you get it?
If she was the one tapping,
then what happened to Donut?
- A baby?
Wait up.
I want to see.
- Donut, get back here.
Wait for the ship.
- But Sarge, we don't
know when the ship is
gonna get here.
It's coming all the way from Earth.
That could take days or weeks
or months or even years.
(crash)
(shouting)
(crumple)
- Ow.
- See him there?
Right there, the yellow one.
- The one next to Simmons.
That's Grif.
- The other yellow one.
Dumbass.
- Oh, that new yellow person.
Oh, yes, of course, yes.
Uh, he looks very scary, yes,
and I know that because I am
looking right at him right now.
Yes.
He's yellow.
This is very interesting.
- (sigh) You don't even see him, do you?
- Yeah, I don't even know
how to use this thing.
- Oh man.
This is no good.
Yellow armor.
What does yellow armor mean?
Is it like some kind
of special ops guy or,
man, this can't be good for us.
- What if it's a new gun?
- What?
Why am I even talking to you?
It's a person in yellow armor.
We already established that.
- Oh, no, wait.
Maybe they got their own medic.
- A medic?
Caboose, we're not that lucky.
- See, my suit is purple.
Can you say purple?
Purple.
- Hawp?
- Honk.
- Great.
Once we learn all the colors,
we'll learn why you shouldn't
judge people by them.
- The cool thing is
that I was lucky enough
to get sent here.
They said your commander died,
and I needed to replace the
missing man.
- What?
Our commander's not dead.
I'm our commander.
- And an excellent one at that, sir.
- Thank you, Simmons.
- Yeah.
Your commander died.
And one of the troops
is going to be promoted,
and I was sent to replace
the missing troop.
- Wait, what's this about a promotion?
- Sounds like command
made some kind of mistake.
- I don't know, Sarge.
I thought you said command
never makes mistakes.
That must mean you're dead.
- Seriously, what was the promotion thing?
I'm sure I heard something
about someone getting
promoted.
- They said one of your troops
will be promoted to replace
your dead CO.
- One in particular?
One like me?
A maroon one?
- Hey, you're really scary.
That's kinda hot.
- Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.
- Don't be stupid, Grif.
How can I be dead if
I'm standing right here?
- Well, if command was wrong
about you dying, Sarge,
couldn't they be wrong
about other stuff, too?
Like, like what if the Blues don't suck?
(gasp)
What if the Blues are awesome?
This changes everything!
- Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today to pay our
final respects to Sarge.
- But I was so young!
And violent.
- And that's what makes this so tragic.
- Yeah, that guy is definitely
some kind of special forces.
He's probably trained in knives or
ball-kicking or something.
- Maybe he's an alien.
- An alien that looks
just like the rest of us?
- And that is the scariest kind of alien.
- Why are you even here?
It would be easier for me to
just call random people on the
phone and talk to them about this.
They would understand
the situation better.
- Ugh.
(muttering)
- Oh, well, look who's awake.
- What the fuck happened?
- Oh, well.
Um, uh, as you may remember,
uh, you were impregnated by an
alien visitor who was on a
noble mission to save his
entire species from-
- Can I get the short version of this?
- Yeah.
You got knocked up.
You got knocked out.
- Oh, right. I need to start working out.
Lose this baby weight.
- Yeah, you know, we, we
should all start working out,
you know, uh, especially some of us.
- Yeah, some of us seem to
have let ourselves go more than
others.
- Are you guys talking about me?
- We, uh, didn't want to say anything.
- Yeah, that's why we said something.
Fatty.
- Hey, back off, guys.
I've been under a lot of stress.
I've been carrying this
whole fucking team.
- Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?
- He said it.
- What are you guys doing up here, anyway?
And what's that huge thing?
- That's Church.
- He means the ship, Caboose!
- He said it.
- The Reds called in a ship,
and it landed on Donut.
Now they've got new
hardware and a new soldier.
- Who, that girl?
- What, girl?
That's a girl?
- Duh.
The yellow one, right?
The one talking to Simmons?
- Wow, you have really good eyes.
- I have to.
I never get to use the
fucking sniper rifle.
- You're positive that's a girl.
How can you be sure?
- Dude, look who you're talking to.
- And now, Grif has asked to
say a few things about our
beloved Sarge.
- Hey, everybody.
It's great to be here.
Well, what can I say
about a guy like Sarge?
I mean, besides good riddance.
Hey-oh!
(laughter)
- Yeah.
- But seriously, Sarge lived a great life.
And now that he's dead, our
lives are pretty good, too.
Zing!
(laughing)
You know what I'm talking about.
- Come on, is this a
remembrance or a roast?
- Quiet in the front row.
And I'm not asking, and he's
not telling, but I heard when
Donut first came to the base,
Sarge spent a lot of time
talking about glazed donut holes, if
you know what I mean.
Hiyo!
- Too soon.
- Hey now.
- This is the worst funeral I've ever had.
You losers better step
up the crying, pronto.
- Oh, don't worry, sir.
I've written a stirring
speech that's sure to tug at
everyone's heart strings.
- Good to hear it.
Now get with the eulogizing.
- On it, sir.
- And who could forget the
time Sarge showed us all how to
field-strip Simmons-
- OK, that's enough.
I said five minutes, Grif.
- Bye, everybody.
I'll be appearing at the
Laugh Cavern every Tuesday.
Ladies drink free.
- Woo-hoo!
- Not you.
- Aw.
- OK, whatever. Get off.
Hello, everyone.
I'm here to say a few words
about our friend Sarge.
- Boo!
You suck.
- Grif, get off the stage.
- Uh, sorry.
- OK, like I was saying, I'm here to say a
few words about Sarge.
- Boo!
You suck!
- As you all know, Sarge
was a magnificent leader,
and he was a great
inspiration to all his troops.
- Simmons was right.
This is so emotional.
Where's my hanky?
- He was a man of honor,
discipline, and character.
- It's like he's saying
what we're all thinking.
- If he was saying what I'm
thinking, he'd be yawning, is
all I'm saying.
- But perhaps his greatest accomplishment
as a military man-
- Tell it!
- And a friend-
- Preach on, preach on!
- Was developing my
considerable skills as a
soldier and a leader.
- What?
- As you all know, Sarge's
untimely demise leaves a gap
in our command structure, a
gap that is best filled by
Sarge's right-hand man, a man that has a
vision for the Red Team.
- Sarge, is, is he campaigning
for your job at your funeral?
Classy.
- The Red Army is faced with
a difficult choice, the choice
of who will lead us to glorious victory.
Let's hope they choose a great
candidate, a candidate whose
armor is actually a shade of red.
Sarge would have wanted it that way.
Choose Simmons.
It's the only thing Sarge
did in life, so don't let his
whole existence be in vain.
In closing, somebody died.
Vote for me.
- Awesome speech.
- Is this the kind of
thing you guys do all day?
- Pretty much.
Just run with it.
It's the only thing that keeps you from
going insane from boredom.
- Yeah.
Or we could raid the medical
supplies for morphine.
- Yeah.
Wait, what?
- Hey, Sister, you're up.
- Awesome.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again?
I just thought of a swear word
that rhymes with Kentucky.
- You couldn't even wait for
me to be buried, could you?
- Your death was in the past, Sarge.
And we need to look to the
future, a future filled with
Simmons.
- Hey, everybody.
Um, I'm new here, and I didn't
know Sergeant very well, but
he was really old, and that's gross.
- Ha ha, I wrote that line.
- Grif, let other people
have the spotlight for once.
- Anyway, when you're old and
gross, you're probably going
to die, and that's kind of sad.
But when you think about
it, all your friends are
probably dead, too.
And if they're not, then
they're definitely old, and
knowing old people is even
sadder than being dead.
So anyway, whatever.
Peace out.
- This is a miserable
excuse for a ceremony.
Where's the flag folding?
Where's the 21-gun salute?
- Sir, the flag is an important
part of our inventory.
We can't just go around having
impromptu foldings because we
feel like it.
- And I was in charge
of the 21-gun salute.
Unfortunately, we don't have 21 guns.
So you'll have to settle for what I call
the double-bun salute.
It starts in just a few moments.
- (sigh) I'll just get in my grave now.
- So this is it, Tucker.
This is your little
monstrosity, your little
abomination of nature.
- Uh, what do I do?
- Why are you asking me?
- I don't know how to be a dad.
This isn't the way I planned it.
- You planned this?
Tucker, I had no idea.
- No, no.
I mean, I always wanted to
have the ideal father/son
relationship.
You know, where I see him for
like eight hours every other
weekend and send checks
to some woman I hate.
- It's emotional conversations like this
that make me miss my mom.
- All right, look.
Let's leave these two alone,
let them do a little bonding.
- Hey, don't leave me here with him.
What am I supposed to say?
- Ask him if he likes baseball.
- It's an alien baby, Caboose.
- Ask him if he likes tee ball.
- Alien, Caboose.
Alien was the key word in that sentence.
- Seriously, don't go.
I don't even know where to start.
- Tucker, he's part of an alien race
whose only purpose seems
to be to tell huge, grandiose
lies to people so that they
can seduce them and then impregnate them.
So why don't you start with that?
You know, common ground.
- Yeah, I think I'll
just stick to baseball.
- Tell him about how his dad
got to third base with you.
- Caboose!
- So how much oxygen do you
think Sarge has in his suit?
- Oxygen?
- Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.
- Oh, you know, probably like
three hours, depending on his
level of activity.
- He's buried six feet underground.
I don't think he's got
much chance for activities.
- Well, I don't think you're an authority.
- An authority?
We didn't even use a coffin.
We just threw a bunch of dirt on him.
- No.
I threw a bunch of dirt on him.
You two only pretended to help
and made a bunch of digging
noises with your mouth.
- You know that trick?
- I learned from the best.
- Well, as your new commander,
you're both going to learn a
little discipline.
And we're going to start by
running laps around the base.
Sister, you can do girly laps.
- You mean after we dig up Sarge.
- No, I mean right now, Grif.
- What are girly laps?
- Hey, Simmons, I don't think
Sarge is going to like you
picking up his shotgun.
(cocking shotgun)
- And I really don't
think he's gonna like you
threatening me with it.
Well, OK, he might like that part.
- As the new leader, what I say goes.
So everyone needs to
start running right now.
- But what about Sarge?
- You heard what command said.
Sarge is dead.
He died of, what'd he die of?
- Aspirin overdoese.
- See, Sarge is dead of
a, an aspirin overdose?
Really?
- I know. I didn't think it was possible.
And trust me, I've tried.
- Yeah. Wait, what?
- Simmons, don't be stupid.
He's not dead.
He's just lying underground,
covered in dirt.
- If I say he's dead, he's dead.
I'm the leader. Me.
And being a leader means you
have to make tough decisions.
Like just for talking back,
you can't do girly laps.
- You've gone blind with
imaginary power, Simmons.
- Oh, on the contrary.
I think I've gone blind
with very real power.
- Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?
- Both of you, shut up.
You're running.
I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.
- Why are you calling Red Command?
- For confirmation.
Stop asking questions.
- You keep talking about them.
Why don't you call our guys?
- Our guys?
- Yeah.
The Blue guys.
- Excuse me?
The whazzawha?
- The Blue guys.
The guys that sent me
here in the big ship.
- Grif?
- Uh, yeah.
This might be a bad time to
bring up the fact that my
sister is color-blind.
- What?
- I don't get it.
What's the gray guy so upset about?
- But girls can't be color-blind!
- Yeah?
Well, they say girls
can't ejaculate, either.
But guess what?
- Yeah. Wait, what?
- I can't believe it.
With such a simple espionage
plan, the Blues have decimated
our forces.
Quick, quick, get me a shovel.
Oh, Sarge is going to be pissed.
- Hey, Simmons, if she's not
here for Sarge, who the hell
is she here to replace?
(Donut groaning)
- What happened?
Where am I?
Oh, maybe they know.
But it might be rude to wake them up.
I'll just wait here a while.
- Oh my god, what's wrong with you?
Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?
- Because.
- And don't say because nobody asked.
- But nobody did ask.
- God damn it.
- So what if she is a Blue?
We'll still keep her.
- We can't do that.
She's on the other team.
She'll kill us in our
sleep if we keep her.
- Do I get to do that?
That would be awesome!
- No, she wouldn't.
Besides, she's color-blind.
We'll just tell her we're Blues.
- Uh, hello.
We already told her we're Red?
Idiot.
- Yeah, well she's fucking dumb, too.
Hey, we're Blue now.
- Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
Let's win!
- See?
- Oh, please. She'll figure it out.
- No, she won't.
In high school, she got kicked
off of the cheerleading squad
three times for rooting
for the wrong team.
- No, she can't stay.
I know. We'll tell the Blues
that we took her prisoner.
Maybe we can get something
out of this mess.
- No way. We can't send her over there.
They'll kill her.
- Why would they kill her, Grif?
She's blue.
It's not like the Blue team goes around
killing its own members.
- Oh, right, because she's a Blue.
And if she's over there, then
the only people that would be
trying to kill her would be us.
- Exactly.
- And that means she'd be
safe because we're like the
shittiest team ever.
- Well, I don't know about that.
As our new leader, I have
some pretty bold plans-
- But you're not the leader.
It was a misunderstanding.
You're the guy who buried our leader.
- You helped. We're in this together.
- No, I made digging noises with my mouth.
Remember?
- Oh god! Get me a shovel!
- Yeah.
Um, OK, you're a Blue.
- Touchdown!
Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
- No, I mean, we're Red, but you're Blue.
That means you've gotta get
out of here before Simmons
digs up Sarge.
- I love digging!
I want to help.
- No. You're leaving.
- Where are we going?
- The other base.
- The Red base?
- No, the Blue base.
- We have two bases?
Awesome.
- Move.
- Hey, have you guys seen Doc?
I need him to babysit for a while.
- Yeah, I got him talking to Sheila.
She's been acting real wacky lately.
- Oh yeah? You mean weirder
than your average talking tank?
- Don't be snarky.
- Sorry, dude.
It's the hormones.
I just had a baby.
- Yeah, Sheila's been acting
kind of distant and weird.
Plus she's been saying these
random threatening things.
Kind of reminds me of somebody else.
- So why is Doc talking to her?
- What, you didn't hear the
threatening part I just said?
I'm not going over there.
- Why not send Caboose?
Aren't they, like, in love or something?
- Dude, I have had about all
the cross-species babies that
I can take for a while.
The last thing I need is a
junior Caboose running around
with a 130-millimeter cannon for a head.
Your little devil spawn is enough for me.
- Don't talk about my kid like that!
- What's your deal?
- I don't know.
I think I'm kind of getting into this
whole parenting thing.
I caught myself looking
at minivans the other day.
Bleugh.
- Of course you are.
That's why you need a
babysitter for a newborn.
I'll be sure to nominate
you for dad of the year.
- Don't judge me.
- Anyways, Doc's gonna figure
out what's wrong with her and
give her a little tune-up.
- But Doc's not a mechanic. He's a doctor.
Not a doctor, a medic.
Well, I guess he's not really
a medic, either, because he's
never really helped anyone.
He's just some annoying
guy that we know who
wears purple armor,
who's annoying.
Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.
- I know.
I figure Doc's mechanic skills
are probably about as bad as
his first aid skills.
He's either gonna fix her
by accident or make her
completely inoperable.
And then I can go down
there and figure out what's
really going on.
Either way, I win.
Oh, he might also get blown up by her.
That's also good.
- Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a
good idea after all.
Let's try some deep breathing.
In through the air filter,
out through the manifold.
In through the air filter,
out through the manifold.
Uh, OK.
Why don't we try some aversion therapy?
Think about something
that makes you really
angry that isn't me.
- Sure.
- Uh, yeah.
I don't feel as good about
my plan as I used to.
- Hey Blues!
- Oh crap, here we go.
They must have figured
out how fucked up our
team is right now.
Oh shit.
They even brought their new guy.
- Girl.
- Whatever!
Just play along.
Act like our team is OK, and we have
everything under control.
- Please, I've been putting on
that act for like three years
now.
- What do you want, Red?
- I got a prisoner for you.
- What'd he say?
- He says he as a prisoner for us.
- Oh, what, they're
giving us prisoners now?
Dude, that sounds like bullshit.
I smell a trap.
- Reds aren't that smart.
- OK, normally, I would agree with that.
But this is the orange one.
He's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.
- Like you?
Shit, then do I have time to
put in my ear plugs and hide
all our food?
- Up yours, dickhead.
Why would they want to
give us one of their guys?
- Why are you asking me?
- Oh, right. Why are you
giving us one of your guys
as a prisoner?
- She's one of your guys.
She came to our side by mistake.
What's their deal?
Why aren't they going for this?
We have to hurry.
I gotta get back before
Simmons digs up Sarge.
- I don't buy this.
What do you want for her?
- Um, nothing.
It was, it was an honest mistake.
Uh, you can have her back now.
No harm, no foul.
Look, can we hurry this up?
- Yeah, this is bullshit.
- Ask for something else.
- Uh, we want something else.
- What?
I'm releasing a hostage!
You don't negotiate up from there.
- Got any money?
- Fuck you, dude!
Get going.
Call me if you have any
problems and don't go near any
Reds from now one.
I'll try to keep our team
distracted so they can't
attack you.
Whatever you do, don't
embarrass the family.
Think of Mom.
- Don't do me any favors, bitch.
- What else was on the ship?
- What do you mean?
- Yeah, like guns or weapons.
- Or snacks!
Dude, I'm just asking
'cause I know you wanted to.
- Nope, just the girl.
Sorry.
There weren't any more
aliens for you guys to fuck.
- That's OK.
We can still fuck this one.
- Woo-hoo!
- God dammit!
Never mind. Just send her back.
- No take-backs.
- Aw, what the fuck?
- Oh my god, Grif, he's gone!
- Who's gone?
- Sarge. He's missing.
I dug up his grave, and he's not in there.
- What?
Did you dig in the right spot?
- Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of
the other fresh graves that we just made.
I didn't fucking think of that!
- Oh, calm down.
- Don't tell me to be calm!
We're down two men now!
Ah, at least we still
have the Blue prisoner
we can use as leverage.
Hey, what are you doing out
here in the middle of the
canyon?
- Uh, nothing.
So that, uh, that Sarge
thing's pretty crazy.
- Hey, is that your sister
over there with the Blues?
What's she doing over there?
- Well, uh, welcome to Blue Team.
I guess we should probably
give you, uh, some kind of
orientation or something like that.
So this is the, uh, this is the base here.
This is the outside of the base.
Inside's on the inside.
Go through that door right
there to get to the inside.
Um, there's a ramp over here.
There's another one on the other side.
It's kind of smaller.
It does the same thing, though.
Uh, it's got a basement.
Um, there's the middle part
and there's the top part.
We got some, you know, blue
flags here on the outside.
Those come in handy when you're,
you're trying to identify
the color of the base.
It's blue.
Anyway, that, uh, pretty much
covers the base, so anyway,
yeah, that's it.
- Cool.
- I'm Church. I'm the leader.
Everybody looks up to me.
Pretty much the only rules for
rookies on the Blue Team is,
don't kill the leader.
That's me.
- That's it?
- That's it.
- Sounds easy.
- Yeah, well, we're
still waiting for someone
to follow that rule.
So anyway, uh, tell me about yourself.
Well, what's your training?
- Training?
- Yeah. What have you been told so far?
- Oh, right.
That's the base, and
you're the leader, and I
shouldn't kill you.
Ever.
Did I pass?
- No, I mean like what kind of
military training do you have?
Weapons?
- Uh, those sound violent.
- Operations?
- I don't even know how that works.
- Communications?
- Say what?
- (sigh) Intelligence?
- Uh, uh-huh.
- (sigh) Great.
- Yeah, sorry.
Doesn't sound like I have any
of the skills you need, unless
you want to see my ping pong ball trick.
- Yeah.
Wait, what?
- Slow down.
- There's no time. Sarge is gone.
I was digging a hole,
and I kept digging, but
there was no Sarge.
And finally, I dug deep
enough, and I found another
hole.
- You dug a hole and found a hole?
Isn't that what a hole is?
- No, no, no.
I mean a hole at the bottom.
It opened into some kind of big cavern.
- A cavern?
A cavern like a cave?
Like a cave with bats?
- I don't know.
Why, are you afraid of bats or something?
- Afraid of bats?
No.
Why would I afraid of bats?
And why would you even ask that question?
Were there bats or something?
That's kind of a weird thing
to ask just for no reason.
- I didn't see any bats, OK?
- Did you hear any bats?
- No.
- Did you smell any bats?
- I don't know what bats smell like.
- Then let's hope you never find out.
Is it getting dark?
We should get inside.
- It hasn't gotten in dark here in three
fucking years, asshole.
- And this is Tucker.
- 'Sup?
- Hey.
- Tucker's job is to do,
what?
I guess nothing.
- I'm just chilling.
That's the only rule on Blue Team, rookie.
Be cool.
- I thought the only rule
was, don't kill the leader.
- Yeah, but we break
that rule all the time.
That's what makes us so cool.
- Awesome.
On the Red Team, they break that rule-
- Blarg.
- Oh cool.
You have a dog?
- Uh, that's not a dog.
That's my kid.
- Oh cool!
You have a kid that looks like a dog?
- Nice save.
Oh hey, you know what?
I think I have the perfect
tour guide for you.
Hey, Caboose.
Come here.
- I thought about having a kid once.
- Oh really?
It's a lot of work.
- Yeah, it seems like it would be hard.
But I thought, you know, who
wants to be known as the girl
who's had seven abortions?
- Heh, yeah.
Wait, what?
- All right.
This is Caboose.
He can tell you everything you
possibly need to know about
Blue Base.
- Is she a mean girl or regular girl?
- Caboose, what did I tell you?
- That there are no regular girls.
- Exactly.
All right, so just stick with
him, ask him any questions you
have, and just don't bother me or Tucker.
- What do I tell her?
- Well, I already know the rule.
- I hate that stupid rule.
- Go show her Doc and Sheila.
- The purple one is Doc.
And the big one is Sheila.
- You know, I was really
wishing that would take longer
and further away.
- Who's the black one?
- The black one?
- Yeah, the one in the black armor, the
one standing right behind you guys?
- Yep, that's a hole all right.
- That's what I told you.
- Huh.
And Sarge's body is gone.
- Right.
I think he fell through
that hole into the cavern.
- Maybe he just disappeared.
Dead things do that when you bury them.
That's part of the
circle of life, you know.
It's a miracle, when you think about it.
No reason to go randomly
exploring caves, which may or
may not contain hundreds of evil bats.
That would just be interfering
with God's divine plan.
- OK, A, Sarge wasn't dead.
B, decomposing takes months, not minutes.
C, his armor would still be here.
And D, shut up.
You're going down there.
Now.
- Why?
What do we really need Sarge for, anyway?
All he ever did was yell at us
a bunch and tell us we suck.
We'll just split up his duties.
You yell at me, and
I'll tell you you suck.
- Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!
- You suck, Simmons.
Oh, man, this new system's
already working out great!
We should've thought of this years ago.
- Grif, don't you understand
that because we lost Sister,
we're horribly outnumbered?
We already lost Donut and Sarge.
Now it's four on two.
The Blues are probably
gearing up for an enormous
attack right now.
At any moment, they're going
to come over that hill, guns
blazing, yelling "Charge!"
- Retreat!
(shouting)
- Who is that?
- That's Tex.
- Whoa, he's a badass.
- Ow.
- He's kinda hot.
- Tex isn't a guy. She's a girl.
- Oh, sorry. She's a badass.
She's kinda hot.
- She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
- Oh yeah?
Why aren't you guys dating anymore?
- Are you seriously asking
that question right now?
- Last time I was shot,
I got a Purple Heart.
Yeah, I hope this time,
I get a Purple Lung.
You see, eventually, I,
I hope to build an entire Purple Person.
And we will be best friends.
- Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain.
- You're just jealous
because you have no friends.
- Why is she shooting at us?
- How do I know?
And why are you acting
like this is unusual?
- Well, go out there and tell her to stop.
- Yeah. I'll get right on that.
- Uh, aren't you, like,
the leader or something?
- Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader.
Which is why I am officially
appointing you our field
negotiator.
- Awesome!
- Yes, congratulations.
We're all very proud of you.
Your first job is to get
Tex to stop firing at us.
- Cool.
Hey, Tex, stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
- Nice negotiating.
- She stopped firing.
I think that actually worked.
Maybe she's out of ammo.
Let me check.
(gunshot)
- Nope, she still has ammo.
- Nice recon work.
- I'm gonna go get my body back.
- Yeah, good idea.
- Aaagh, oof.
- Ta-da.
- Ugh.
You didn't have to push.
- Yeah, I didn't have
to, but it sure was fun.
I got a cool screenshot from
my visor of you flailing, too.
Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper?
This guy.
- Hey, Tucker.
Is my body on straight?
- Dude, I don't even know what that means.
- Freeze.
Nobody move.
- We're already not moving.
You could have just said,
everyone keep doing what
you're not doing.
- Shut up.
- Whatever.
- Tex, what is your problem?
- My problem is that O'Malley
isn't in Doc anymore.
He's jumped into somebody new,
and I'm not trusting anybody
until I find out who.
- Yeah.
We already know all that.
We're on top of the situation.
- You are?
Then who did O'Malley jump into?
- Oh.
Yeah, I meant,
I meant we were on top of
everything right up until that
point.
- Typical.
- Who's O'Malley?
- Ah, it's just some computer
program that wants to destroy
the universe.
He infects people around here
from time to time, but, eh,
it's no big deal.
- Sounds scary.
- No, it's all good, baby.
I'll protect you.
- Yeah.
That's what the last guy
said, and now I can't stop
scratching.
- OK, never mind.
- None of us are infected,
Tex, but I am a little worried
about the tank.
She's been acting really weird lately.
Can an AI implant in a, Tex?
- Who's the girl?
- What? Who, Sister?
Oh, she's just a new recruit.
- You mean to tell me I'm
only gone a few weeks,
and you guys get yourselves a new girl?
- Oh.
Um-
- Whoa.
Tread lightly, dude.
Tread lightly.
- Yeoww, what in the,
stupid Grif and Simmons,
can't even build a regulation grave.
What did we run all those drills for?
So this is the afterlife, huh?
Heh.
Not too impressive, if you ask me.
This place is a wreck.
Who's in charge here, anyway?
Need to get me a couple
Marine angels, get this place
spick-and-span in no time.
You know, that I think about
it, I don't seem to remember
much about underground caves
in the Bible, not even in that
new Bible they rewrote in
2040, with that big chase
scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller.
That guy's a nut.
Wait a minute, afterlife,
underground cave, what
if this isn't heaven?
What if it's, no, it couldn't be.
Could it?
- Oh, hey, Sarge.
What are you doing down here?
- It is!
Oh, it is.
- Oh man. This is not going
to work out well for us.
- Dude, are you kidding?
We finally have two girls on our team.
You know what that means.
- Yeah, coed softball team.
I'm going to go get my baseball racket.
- Tucker, I know what you're
thinking, and it's not gonna
happen.
- Oh, why not?
- Because girls can't share
anything, not even an apartment.
Every time girls live
together, within six months,
they all hate each other, and
somebody gets stuck with a
$1,200 phone bill.
That's fact.
- Ah, let them fight.
As long as we get to watch
the making up, who cares?
We can even record it and
sell copies to the Reds.
- No!
Moan.
- It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
(Sarge moaning)
- You wouldn't believe
all the stuff I found.
- Sorrowful sounds.
Pleas for forgiveness!
- Sarge, keep it down.
- I have sinned.
- We don't want them to hear you.
- Donut, don't interrupt
my repentful mourning.
If I want God to forgive
me, I need to be as
miserable as possible.
He loves that stuff.
- This isn't hell, Sarge.
And you're not dead.
- Repent! Repent!
- Come on, Sarge, be quiet.
I've been exploring down here,
and I've found some really
crazy stuff.
Look.
- Why, that port looks like a blue base.
And just when I thought
hell couldn't get any worse.
- Yeah, but look at that.
- What in the hell is that thing?
- I don't know, but it
sure looks a lot like the
motorcycle I found in a cave upstairs.
- Donut, why didn't you report this?
- I couldn't.
My radio broke when I fell.
(radio interference)
- Come in, Sarge. Are you there?
- Hello. Is that you, Simmons?
- No, I'm Donut.
Did you get amnesia from
your fall or something?
- Shut up, Donut.
- Uh, OK.
- Sarge, we're down in the cave with you.
Are you OK?
Please tell me you're OK.
- I'm fine.
What's your location?
- I'm standing right here, next to you.
- Shut up!
- We're looking for you right now.
This place is huge.
Grif is with me, and we're
up on top of some kind of
peninsular outcropping.
- Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
- Grif isn't anywhere around here.
- Donut, I told you to be quiet.
- Well, stop asking me stuff, then.
- No, we're on a peninsular
ledge, trying to find you.
- Roger that.
I've got Donut.
You sit tight, and we'll find you.
- Roger that.
Simmons out.
- Dude, what was all that stuff about your
penis ruler?
- I was just talking to
Simmons on the radio.
- Oh, the radio.
- I told them to hold still.
We'll come to them.
- Sarge, I don't think
you realize just how
big this place is.
There's no landmarks or
anything, just one rock after
another that all look the same.
Finding them will be like
finding a needle in a
haystack.
- They said they were standing
on some kind of a penis-
- Oh, I know where that is.
Let's go.
- I heard something that time.
- You didn't hear anything.
(distant drip)
- There, did you hear that?
- Yes.
I heard water dripping.
- Sounds like bats.
- Bats aren't made of liquid.
Bats don't drip.
- Bat water.
- There are no bats!
- You don't know.
What if you're wrong?
- OK, idiot.
Let's assume I'm wrong.
Let's assume there are bats.
So what?
You're wearing state of the
art biomechanical body armor.
It's designed to deflect
bullets and absorb explosions.
What can a five-ounce
flying rodent possibly do?
- So basically, you're saying
that you think there's bats.
- Sure.
Why not?
- I'm getting the fuck out of here.
- No you're not, Grif.
We're standing right here.
I told Sarge we wouldn't
move, and we're not moving.
- At least let's go stand by the light.
- No, that would be moving and
thus would violate our strict
no moving policy.
- But the light would-
- No.
- Help us see the bats.
- No.
- And their fangs.
- No!
- Hey, you know what else
might be in the cave, Simmons?
Snakes.
- You're an asshole, Grif.
Why would you bring up snakes?
- I'm just saying, I know you
don't like snakes, and snakes
do live in caves, and we are
in a cave, and snakes like to
crawl right up next to people
in caves, and then they-
- All right, screw it.
I'm going to go stand by the light.
- OK, I talked to Sheila.
You guys were right.
She definitely seems a little odd.
- Yup.
So what do you think?
- I think she seems like
there's something wrong.
- That's your diagnosis?
That's why you sent you down
there, man, because we knew
something was wrong.
- I'm a medic.
What do you want from me?
- How about fixing her?
- Well, surprisingly, my
medical training didn't really
cover internal combustion.
- What a shitty medical school.
- Yeah, where'd you go,
the University of Jamaica?
- Oh, please.
I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus.
I went to Jamaica State.
We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish.
- That's Notre Dame.
- Well, since we're
international, we don't really
have to adhere to the
stringent US copyright laws,
so-
- Never mind.
Just go back down there and
see if you can reboot Sheila.
- Reboot her?
- Yeah, dude.
That's how you fix broken stuff.
You turn her off, and then
you turn her back on again.
She'll be fine.
- I don't think that'll work.
- Uh, pardon me, it works great.
We already rebooted the toaster.
We rebooted the teleporter.
- Yeah, I still don't know if
that thing has all the bugs
worked out.
- We even rebooted Caboose's
armor once, although that took
a lot longer to come back
online than we thought it
would.
- It was dark, and I
got to hold my breath.
I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.
- No, I mean I don't think
it will work because I'm not
going back down there.
She's not exactly in the best of moods.
See?
- Yeah, we need to get
someone sneaky down there
who can turn her off.
- How about Tucker?
- Who, me? No way.
I'm a lover, not a sneaker.
- Oh, that's your response to everything.
- What can I tell you?
I'm a lover, not a thinker.
How about Tex?
- Yeah, we couldn't afford it.
If only we knew someone
that Sheila trusted.
And it would have to be
someone kind of dumb so that
we could fool them into betraying that
trust for our purposes.
- Hey.
Everyone is looking at me.
I love when they do that.
Hi, everybody.
- See?
And these are the two bodies
I was telling you about.
At first, I thought they were
sleeping, but then I realized
they were dead.
- The Blues never sleep.
They're too busy plotting
to destroy our way of life.
That's how you can always
spot a Blue, Donut.
They're always the ones
conniving and scheming.
Sometimes they do both.
I call that schenniving.
- And you know what else?
You can also tell they're Blue
because of their blue armor.
- Yeah, that too.
You know, at first, I thought
this cave was pretty dismal.
But it's amazing how a couple
of Blue corpses can really
spruce up the place,
make it feel like home.
- Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes,
get some wicker chairs.
Ah, this place will be fantastic.
Everything OK, Sarge?
- What?
Oh yeah.
It's just that I can't shake
this feeling, the feeling that
we're being watched!
Ha! Gotcha!
Oh, son of a-
- Um, that was pretty dramatic.
- Yeah, it usually works better
if someone is standing there
when I do that.
Kind of like now!
Dammit.
I'm normally not wrong
about this kind of thing!
Hello!
(muttering)
- Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?
- No, stupid.
Motion-activated proximity radar.
It's standard issue.
I guess I need to get mine calibrated.
Hey, what the heck is that thing?
- Sarge should be able
to see us here, right?
- Yeah, who cares?
Hey, Simmons, I was thinking,
if we're in a cave, why are
there lights down here?
- That's a pretty good point, Grif.
- What the, are you OK?
- Yeah, why do you ask?
- Huh.
You got a pink thing on you.
- What?
Like a snake?
Dammit all.
- Simmons?
Simmons?
Huh?
Ow.
Ow!
- Well, I suppose I should
figure out a way to get Tex to
reboot Sheila.
Man, I'm going to have to call
in a lot of favors for this
one.
- What favors could you
possibly have stored up with
someone who dumped you?
- She didn't dump me, Tucker.
It was mutual.
- Mutual in what way?
Mutual in the sense that you
were both single the moment
after she dumped you?
- Yeah.
That way.
Come on, Caboose.
Let's go explain the plan to Tex.
Wish us luck.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, when she kills you, I'm
going to sell your armor to
that pink guy on the Red Team.
I hear he's in the market.
- Hey, who's the yellow soldier?
- That's just Sister.
She's new.
- No one told me about a new arrival.
I'm supposed to examine
everyone before they assume
active duty.
- Don't sweat it. I already
checked her out for you.
Diagnosis, F-I-N-E. That spells fine.
- Thanks.
But I think a trained medical
professional should be the one
to-
- I'm a doctor, a doctor of love, PhD.
Certified in loveology,
general harasstitioner,
sexacologist.
- First of all, love is not an officially
recognized medical specialty.
And also, PhDs,
heh, not really doctors.
- Dude, you're a dork.
- Hey.
- What's up, Sis?
What'd you and Tex talk about?
- Oh, she was just talking
about everyone here.
How you're all idiots and
jerks, but that you guys are
her idiots and jerks, and if
I tried to become more popular
than her, she would talk about
me behind my back and turn
everyone against me.
And then I would cry, and
everyone would hate me.
You know, girl stuff.
- Cool.
Oh hey, speaking of
girl stuff, this is Doc.
- Hi.
- Uh, hello. Nice to meet you.
I'm the medic.
If it's all right with you,
I need to give you a quick
physical examination since you're new.
Do you want to come in the
base, where you might feel
more comfortable taking
off all your clothes?
- Sure. Lead the way.
See you, Tucker.
- What the fuck just happened?
- Sarge, I found Simmons.
He's over here, sleeping on the job.
- Donut, I'm not sleeping.
I was drugged.
- Sorry, Sarge.
He's not sleeping.
He's doing drugs.
- Shut up, Donut.
I'm not doing drugs. We were attacked.
They must have used some kind
of tranquilizer on me and,
Grif?
Where's Grif?
- Maybe he's out scoring
you junkies some more drugs.
- They must have taken him.
- Who would take Grif?
Garbage collectors?
- The people who ambushed us.
We have to find him.
Luckily, I implanted a
tracking chip in his armor.
I wanted to be able to find
him when it was time to work.
I should be able to lock
onto his signal in just a few
seconds.
- A few seconds?
That sounds entirely hopeless.
Well, Grif, we'll miss you.
You were a good soldier,
using the broadest possible
definition of good and soldier.
- I've got a signal.
- He's probably a million
miles away by now.
- Actually, he's only
a tenth of a mile away.
- Who knows what direction?
- That direction.
- Exactly. We did our best, Simmons.
Now let's head back to base and call for
a replacement troop.
Where's my shotgun?
- I don't see it anywhere.
I guess they took it when they took Grif.
- (sigh) What direction did you say?
- That way, sir.
- Come on, let's go.
- So Caboose is going to be up front,
talking to her, and then while
he's got her distracted, you
sneak around the back, access
the panel, and shut her down.
- OK. I'll do it.
- What? That's it?
You will? No bargaining?
No ridiculous demands?
- No.
I'm trying to find
O'Malley and his friend.
In a way, you guys are helping me.
If anyone should be making
demands it should be you.
- Oh, well, in that case, we want-
- Forget it. Deal's done.
- Dammit.
- Um, how should I distract Sheila?
- Just talk to her.
Keep her attention.
That's it.
- I don't know.
Uh, we kind of have a history.
Uh, she may not want to talk to me.
- So? Tex and I have a rough history.
Doesn't mean we can't be professional
and hold a conversation.
- I wouldn't exactly
call them conversations.
- Ugh, get off my back, woman.
Can't you see I'm working here?
- Please. You call this working?
- See, this is exactly what
could happen with me and
Sheila, only with more
getting shot by tanks.
- Caboose, if that happened,
I'm sure the shell would just
bounce off you and land on me somehow.
Just smooth talk her.
- I don't know how to do that.
- Just tell her she's pretty
or that she's got that new tank
smell or something.
Compliment her treads.
It doesn't matter.
- I don't know-
- It's easy.
Look, here.
Just practice on Tex.
She's, womanish.
- Pardon me?
- Do you want Caboose to run
decoy for you, or do you want
to try this on your own?
- I see your point.
- Go ahead.
- Hello, Tex.
- Dude.
You will not believe
what Doc just pulled off.
- Shut up, Tucker.
Don't interrupt.
- Interrupt what?
- Tex, I think you are pretty.
And you haven't hurt my body
in a long time, so I was
hoping that we could talk and
be friends, maybe, and hold
hands, and you would go with
me, and when you went with me,
you would be my real girlfriend.
- I think that would be nice, Caboose.
We should definitely do that.
- What the hell?
Tex, have you gone crazy?
If you want to get with
somebody, get with me, the
love doctor.
I'm a real man.
I will rock your fucking world.
- Hey, don't look at me.
He's not part of the plan.
- Junior, Junior.
Hey, Junior, where'd you go?
- Honk.
- There you are.
- Honk.
- You little rascal.
- Honk!
- OK, Sister.
Any other conditions I should know about?
- Um, let's see.
You know about all the
ways I'm contagious, so-
- Hey, what's going on here?
- Oh, I'm color-blind.
- Really? That's weird.
But I don't think it'll
cause any problems here.
OK, go ahead and bend over.
- Sure.
Like this?
- Whoa, yeah.
You're really limber and
in really great shape.
- Yeah, I am.
- I'm not playing against you in Twister.
- Check this out.
- Wowsers.
I didn't even know a
leg could bend that far.
That is a leg, right?
OK.
Oh, and by the way, sorry
if my hands are cold.
- That's cool.
Sorry my body's a little hot.
- Hey, do you guys need any help in there?
- Huh? Is someone spying on us?
Yes!
Hot.
- No, we're good.
Hey, Sister, do you want me to turn up
the heat or something?
You look like you're-
- Eh, I'll be OK.
Hard nipples won't kill you.
- I could just walk around
this corner if you need me to.
It wouldn't be a problem.
- We got it.
Hey, sorry I got you all wet before.
I don't even know how that
bucket of baby oil got up on
that shelf.
That was weird.
- That's OK. I think it'll actually help.
Squeezing these puppies into
the armor can be a little
difficult.
- Maybe I should just look
in there and see if there's
anything I can do.
- No thanks, Tucker.
Maybe they need your help
with the tank instead.
You'd probably be a lot
more valuable out there.
What we're doing in her is pretty routine.
Hey, are you double-jointed?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Honk!
- Don't rub it in.
- Blarg.
- Come on.
Grif should be right over here.
- Don't listen to him, Sarge.
He's just trying to score more drugs
to keep his habit alive.
Remember last month, when
he asked for more money?
It was for drugs.
- That was part of a
budgetary meeting, Donut.
He needed more funds
for vehicle maintenance.
- Enabler!
- I see something.
- Ah, there's my shotgun.
Mission accomplished.
Excellent work, men.
Let's hang up a banner.
- There's Grif.
- Oh, right.
And Grif.
Excellent something or other.
You people, why do I even bother?
- I don't know what to say.
- Don't be nervous.
Just go out there, hold her
attention, and don't say
anything stupid.
No, wait.
Be natural. Say stupid stuff.
Go.
- Hello, Sheila.
How are you doing?
- Oh, hello, Caboose.
Actually, I'm not functioning
at my optimal capacity.
My internal diagnostics
indicate I am having
mechanical issues.
How are you?
- Um-
- Caboose, say good.
- What?
Oh, good.
Uh, pretty good.
Really good.
I am great.
I am absolutely perfect.
- That's too good.
- Now I am depressed.
I am doing bad.
I-
I don't know if I can go on.
- You seem distracted, Caboose.
I am not distracted.
I'm distracting.
See, that's different
because I'm doing it to you.
- What?
- What?
- I mean, I'm very distractable.
(nervous laugh)
With a high degree of distractivity-ness.
- Change the subject.
- OK.
Sheila, have you seen Tex?
- What?
I mean, what?
- What?
- Sheila, do you know what
my favorite thing to do is?
Not look behind myself.
You should try not doing that.
Do you like to collect stamps?
- Hey, Caboose, I think it's
wrong for us both to die
because you're an idiot, so
I'm going to take off now, OK?
I'll see you, bye.
- Please don't go.
- I am not leaving.
- Oh good.
Good.
Stay.
- You are acting strangely.
And I would like to find out why.
- Oh, OK.
Um-
- Caboose, the Omega AI has
been missing, and everyone has
been attempting to find him.
If you continue to act erratically,
they may mistakenly think
he is inside of you and take
drastic measures against you.
- Oh. I wouldn't want them to do that.
- Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.
- You do?
Where?
- He is inside-
(shutting down)
- Got it.
- Who is blurrrrr?
- What happened?
What'd you do to me?
- We got knocked the fuck out.
And the people who did
it must have taken you.
- Oh, right.
Uh, they kept asking me questions.
They wanted information.
- Information?
What did they-
- Whoa, whoa. They wanted
information, and they took you?
Why wouldn't they take me?
- What did they look like?
- Sarge, please.
I was right there next to you.
If they needed information,
why would they take you
instead of me?
- What are you, jealous?
Jesus.
- No.
I just think if you're going
to drug and torture people,
you don't need to insult
their intelligence, too.
That's just mean.
- Yeah. You're jealous.
- You want us to turn her
back on again, after we
just went through all that
trouble to shut her down?
- But she said she
knows where O'Malley is.
- Well, maybe she was lying.
How could she possibly know that?
What do you think Tex.
Can we turn her back on again?
Disable her guns or something?
- Not a chance.
She's a wreck back here.
I'm not even sure how she
was operational anyway.
- Oh, I know.
Uh, we can put her inside
my head, like O'Malley.
I've got lots of extra room in there.
- Yeah, I bet.
And no, she's not that kind of AI.
- She could only be moved over if we had a
similar class of vehicle.
- Yeah.
If only we had some other kind
of big vehicle that we could
move her into.
We can't use the Warthog because that
doesn't have anything,
wait a minute.
Tex.
The ship?
Could we move her into one
of those onboard computers?
- If we set up a hard line, yeah.
I bet we could do it.
- Church!
Wait!
- Huh?
- Church, hold on a second.
I got something to tell you.
- Tucker, what? What is it?
- I just wanted to say, I
got a hard line Tex can use.
Bow chicka bow wow.
- How did you even hear that?
- Pff, I'm like Superman.
I know when I'm needed.
(Grif muttering)
- Shake it off, you big orange baby.
What happened to you?
- He's been chasing the dragon.
- Donut, shut up.
He was drugged, just like me.
- That's what I'm saying.
He fell off the wagon and
shook hands with the devil.
- Shut up.
- He's been riding the wave
and tripping the technicolor
dreamscape.
Far out, man.
Druggy loser.
- Will you stop, Donut.
All you're doing with your
stupid anti-drug lingo is
making me actually want to try drugs.
- Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
- Yeah. That sounds like fun.
- Who knocked you out, Grif?
Was it those dirty Blues?
- No.
It was some kind of bat-person.
- Bat-person?
- Sarge, I'm not sure Grif
knows what he's talking about.
- Grif doesn't know what
he's talking about, eh?
Stop the fucking presses.
- No, I mean specifically right now.
Whatever chemical they used to
knock us out may be affecting
his perception or his memory.
- And it can cause undue stress
to his family and seriously
impair his ability to operate a-
- Shut up, Donut!
- I wasn't hallucinating.
There was some kind of crazy
bat thing and another guy, and
they were talking about a kid and a sword.
Some kind of deal they made.
- OK, wait. Is this a joke?
This is a prank on me, right?
You guys found my Harry
Potter fan fiction.
- This has nothing to do with you, Donut.
- OK, right, sure.
Well if the bat-person turns
out to be a sailor, and the
guy turns out to be a bartender, and
the sword turns out,
well, let's just say this all
sounds a little too familiar.
- I'm telling the truth.
This really happened.
- Sure, we believe you, buddy.
Note to Simmons, Grif has gone mad.
Need to kill him ASAP.
- I'm not crazy!
- Second note to Simmons.
Grif has developed super
hearing, possibly acquired
from the bat-people.
Post-note, original plan still applies.
- Wait a second.
I can prove I'm not
crazy 'cause of the bomb.
The bomb!
- Yeah, that's a good way to
prove you aren't insane.
Just start screaming "The bomb, the bomb!"
- The bomb was there.
That's how I could understand
what was being said.
They needed him to translate.
- The bomb?
You mean that loudmouth guy?
- Yeah.
The enormous ball that's
always ready to explode.
- OK, seriously, there's
coincidence, and then there's
outright plagiarism.
I'm gonna have to sue somebody.
- She's all set.
Transfer should take a while.
- Um, are we sure we want
to put her in this ship?
- Mm, it's still flyable,
but I'm going to remove the
ignition coil just to be sure.
If O'Malley is in her
somewhere, they aren't going
anywhere without it.
- You want me to hold it?
- Are you kidding?
- Well, thought it was worth a try.
- Hey, Caboose, how's it going in there?
- Looks good.
Although I have to tell you,
the ship looks a lot bigger on
the inside than the outside.
- How's the readout?
- Well, all the red lights
are red, and all the
blue lights are blue.
- What about the green lights?
- Those are black.
- When the green lights turn green and
the red lights turn black, I
want you to get a hold of me
right away.
- Uh, OK.
What about the blue lights?
- The blue lights don't matter.
- Then why do they-
- OK, OK. Thanks, Caboose. Good job.
- Oh, OK.
- Hey, Grif.
Just tell them where the kid
and the sword is, and you can
go.
- What?
Andy, is that you?
Why are you helping monster people?
- Hey, gotta make a living.
(alien grunting)
- He says someone's
coming, and we gotta go.
See you, Grif.
By the way, you look like shit.
Zing!
- Oh, OK, bye.
I'm gonna, go to sleeping again.
And he was translating
between the two of them, too.
So if we find Andy, he can
tell us exactly what's going
on.
- Sounds like we've stumbled
across something totally
diabolical.
Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.
- Thank you, sir.
- Simmons?
I just told you everything!
- But Simmons was the one
that led us to you after he
stealthily avoided capture.
- Avoided capture?
They knocked him out first
and picked me at random.
- Yes, a randomness that
Simmons used to save the day.
- You can't just show up
here and start bossing people
around, Tex.
Bossing people around is my
job, and I put in the time.
- I had to leave. I found Wyoming.
- Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?
- I thought I tracked
him back to O'Malley.
But by the time York and I got there-
- York?
Your old Freelancer buddy?
Was Carolina with him?
- She was already dead.
- But what about Bermuda?
- That's not a state, dumbass.
- Portland?
- Shut up.
- But he still had Delta.
- Delta? The AI?
How?
I thought they took them,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
How is he even still alive?
Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?
- I thought it was because of his armor.
You know all the Freelancer
suits had some kind of
enhancement.
- Right, like your invisibility.
- And horrible meanness.
- No, dude.
That's all natural.
- York's was some kind
of healing mechanism.
It would help him recover
from wounds in battle.
I thought it might have kept
him alive all these years.
But after I found Wyoming, I
knocked him out and downloaded
logs from his helmet.
There's something going on,
Church, with a lot of people
working against us.
- Well, what did Wyoming
say when he woke up?
- He didn't.
Before I could interrogate
him, he teleported away.
One second he was there,
and the next, he was gone.
- What about the second after that?
- Can I kill him?
- No, I'm saving him in case
we ever need him for food.
So Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?
- I don't think so.
I think someone grabbed
him from somewhere else.
- How is that possible?
The only technology I
know that can do that is,
wait a minute.
Each Freelancer had an
enhanced suit of armor and an
AI, right?
- Right.
- Right.
- Your armor was invisibility,
and your AI was Omega.
- Right.
- Wrong.
Oops, missed that one.
Can we go back?
- What was Wyoming's AI?
- Gamma.
- (sigh) I gotta make a phone call.
(phone ringing)
- Hello.
- Hello.
This is Church, Gary.
Or should I call you Gamma?
Have you been lying to us?
- Lying is such a Shisno concept,
I mean human concept.
- You're a computer.
I thought computers can't lie.
- They can if they are programmed to lie.
- Were you programmed to lie?
- No.
- God dammit.
- I have to go, Church.
- Wait. What about the aliens?
How do we-
- Goodbye.
- Hmm, do they know?
- It is nothing to worry about.
We are close to the end.
We will not be stopped now.
- We should keep going.
Hop in.
(radio noise)
- Hello. Ring-a-ding.
Blue base, come in.
Let's go. Hello.
Come in.
- What, hello?
Vic, is that you?
- Hey, dude.
How's it going?
Been a while since we spoke.
- Why are you calling me?
- Everything been going good?
Yeah, that's great.
Listen, don't have much time to talk.
Been discussing things
here at Blue Command.
We think everything is bad,
and now is the time to go
attack the Red base.
Turns out the Reds are up
to no good, and somebody
needs to kill them.
A good way to do that
might be to send some
people through the caves.
Yeah.
Take them by surprise.
Anyway, can't talk. Gotta go.
See you la vista.
- Wait, wait, why do people
keep hanging up on me?
- Huh, what's all this business?
- It looks like a bunch of
computer equipment, sir.
- Excellent analysis, Simmons.
- And it's attached to
some kind of TV thing.
- So it is.
Astute deduction, Donut.
- It shows all different
parts of the canyon.
Look, there's our base.
- Ah, yes.
Another incredible observation
from the stating the obvious
department.
Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.
(sigh)
- Simmons, Donut, you two stay here.
Grif's going to continue
to help look for Andy.
- Fine.
(sigh)
I hate my job.
- Look, there's my room.
And the locker room.
And there's the showers.
Man, so many good memories.
- I hope this thing isn't
connected to the internet.
- The Blues must have set this up.
Crafty devils.
Spying on us all along!
What's all that?
- That looks like blue base.
- Why would the Blues spy on themselves?
- Maybe the Blues didn't set this up.
Someone else might have.
- Or maybe the Blues are so
incredibly arrogant, they just
want to see themselves on TV.
Or I bet they have those stupid
liberal equal time laws.
Commie Blue bastards.
- What if all this technology
is just left over from an
ancient civilization that was
way more advanced than us?
- Wait a minute.
How could an ancient
civilization be more advanced?
If they were so advanced,
where did they go?
- They could have mysteriously
disappeared, only leaving
behind a legacy of enigmatic technology.
- That's gay.
- Oh, let's finish this fight later.
- Look, what's that?
- (gasp) That looks like Sister's armor.
- Oh no! What happened to her?
- Clearly, she's been disintegrated.
- Why would they do that?
Oh, we can't tell Grif.
He's going to be devastated.
- Tell me what?
- Tell you that your sister's
been vaporized by the Blues.
- What?
- Sarge!
- Heh heh, it's just like
ripping off a Band-Aid.
Quick and incredibly painful.
- We just talked about this.
I thought we agreed not to tell him.
- What?
- You really need to start
thinking about other people's
feelings, Sarge.
- Son, the only thing I need
to do is stay Red and die.
- What?
- I'm really sorry, Grif.
She's dead.
- How could this have happened?
Oh man.
That was my little sister.
I mean, I know we don't always
see eye to eye, but I still
loved her.
- This has to be hard, Grif.
I don't know what to say.
- I, I just,
I had no idea the last time
I saw her was going to be the
last time ever.
I'd give anything to see her
again and just to talk to her
one last time, and I'm never
going to get that chance.
It's the most empty
feeling in the whole world.
- Oh hey, look!
She's not dead, she's just naked.
- What? That little slut!
I'm gonna kill her!
- Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!
- All right, I know
this might feel unusual
but for this next test,
I really need you to try
to keep your legs together.
No, together.
Together!
- Put your clothes back on!
What's the one thing I told you?
Don't embarrass the family!
- I don't think she's embarrassing it.
Whoa! Why is she doing splits?
- Huh.
Is this that Facebook
thing I keep hearing about?
- Does this thing take dollar bills?
- Come on.
That's my sister, and
you're looking at her naked.
- So? She's not our sister.
- Stop looking at her.
- Why does Donut get to look?
- Hey.
Why does the Blue base get so much more
natural light than ours?
It gives the interior a much
more airy and open feeling.
- That's why Donut gets to look.
- Oh, look, she's putting
her armor back on.
Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting
her armor back on.
Good work, soldier.
- Don't patronize me.
- It looks like the Blues are having some
kind of meeting.
- What?
I knew it.
They're coming to attack our base.
Dirty backstabbers.
- I thought the Blues were
supposed to attack us.
- Dirty frontstabbers.
Simmons, what are they saying?
- I have no idea.
I can't find the volume on this monitor.
And without any sound, it just
looks like a bunch of helmets
bobbing up and down.
- Is that how they talk?
They look ridiculous.
- All right.
Vic called and said we should attack the
red base right away.
I don't know why, but I
guess we're going to do it.
- Attack?
Shouldn't we call soldiers
or the military for something
like that?
- And for some reason, he
thinks it's a good idea for
some of us to go through the caves.
- Why?
- I don't know. Who cares?
So me, Tex, and Tucker are
going to go right up the
middle.
- What about my kid?
He can't go into battle.
- Doc, Sister, and Junior,
you guys go get lost in the caves.
- Oh.
- We'll find you after the battle's over.
Unless we die, in which case
we won't find you, and you're
going to have to find us.
And if that happens, I want
to be buried as far away as
possible from these two.
- Yeah, and I want to be
stuffed and put on a couch
with a cooler full of beer,
a bag full of cheese puffs,
nonstop reruns of "Baywatch," and,
ah, you know what?
It's all in my will.
- What about me? Can I get lost, too?
- No, Caboose.
I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.
- Yeah.
If the transfer gets
interrupted, we might lose her
altogether.
- Oh, that would be bad.
- Right. Otherwise, how would
you accidentally kill people?
- Hmm.
Well, I suppose I could always-
- Shut up. That was rhetorical.
Tucker, come on. Let's go going.
- When should we go?
- I, I don't care.
Just be ready to come running
with the cavalry if we start
screaming in pain.
Unless Tucker starts screaming
in pain, in which case, you
know, feel free to point and laugh.
- Well, little dude, I guess
there's a time when every boy
becomes a man.
- Tucker, he's only three days old.
- Yeah, they grow up so fast.
- Also, he's not a boy.
He's a grub.
- The point is, you're on your own now,
and I don't have time
to tell you everything you need to know.
So here's a few brief pointers.
Invest in real estate.
There's no such thing
as a permanent record.
Always eat breakfast.
All the girls on the
internet are actually dudes.
And you should never, ever
buy the extended warranty on
anything, ever.
Oh, also, chicks like it when
you tell them they're pretty,
but they also like it when
you're kind of a dick to them.
So mix it up a little.
- Tucker, let's go.
- OK, little dude.
I got to go now.
Tex needs me and Church to back her up.
- Bow chicka honk honk.
- Huh.
I guess you have been
teaching him some stuff.
- Teach? You don't teach that.
That's just genetic.
- I don't see anything.
- I'll move up.
You two stay here.
- You want us to cover you?
- Yeah, cover me.
That way, I won't get hurt.
Just don't run away.
- Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.
- I don't see anything at all.
It's like they're all hiding or something.
- Uh, what do you see?
- I just said I don't see anything.
I just said that.
- Man, I hate that I never
get the fucking sniper rifle!
- Oh yeah, boo-hoo.
All you've got is your
stupid awesome sword.
I feel so sorry for you.
- Come on, dude, just once.
Let me use it just one time.
I won't ever ask again.
Please?
Please, please, please,
please, please, please?
- Can I use the sword?
- Oh, hell yes!
- All right, fine, here.
- Oh, kick-ass.
Heh heh.
OK, no, wait.
How do I zoom?
I'm zoomed!
- Hey, Tucker, this
sword doesn't even work.
What a fucking gyp.
- Now I, wait, what is this thing?
- OK, whatever, dude.
Just don't-
- Ow!
- What the fuck?
Did you just fire that thing?
- Oops. That was an accident.
- We're supposed to be
sneaking up on them, dumbass.
They're gonna hear us.
Gimme it back.
- Um, yeah.
OK, take it back.
- I knew there was a reason I
didn't let you use this thing
all these, hey, Tex.
What are you doing back, ow!
What the fuck did I do?
- Asshole.
- I told him to be
careful with that thing.
He's just not very good with it.
(computer powering on)
- Hello, and thank you for
activating the M808,
wait a minute.
Where am I?
- Sheila, you're awake.
I am so happy.
Look, we got you a new place to live.
Now you're the big ship lady.
- I like it.
It is so roomy.
Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.
- And now you can fly.
- Are you the pilot, Caboose?
Shall I run the tutorial program?
- Hmm, yeah.
Uh, let's not do that right now.
- Look, they're invading our base!
And we're not even there to defend it.
Oh, the humiliation!
Men, this aggression cannot stand.
We'll beat those Blues all the
way back across the canyon.
This is the moment we've
all been training for.
- Training?
We haven't done any training.
Wait, is sleep considered training?
- Simmons, as with all our
battle plans, I need you to
punch Grif in the back of the head.
Simmons?
Simmons?
- Uh-huh, yeah, I agree.
Everything you say is right.
Red Team's great.
Hooray.
- Simmons, stop watching those TVs.
- Yeah, Simmons.
Give it up.
There's not going to be any
more pictures of naked girls
on there.
- Shut up!
You don't know that.
Stop saying that.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Men, this won't be easy.
The Blues will be totally bunkered down.
They have both bases, which
gives them an enormous
strategic advantage.
But we're the Red Team.
- Sure, you might not be the
best squad, might not be smart
or energetic or have any
skills that qualify you for
duty in any other legitimately
recognized military unit.
However-
- Where did that flag come from?
- Flag?
Who gives a fuck about the flag?
How about who's singing?
- But with precise operations
and proper communication, we
will emerge victorious.
With a little luck, one of
us in particular will die a
horrible death, either at the
hands of the Blues or as part
of a cunning distraction by yours truly.
- Why don't we just take over Blue base?
- Nonsense.
The Blue base are much more fortified.
Blue base has turrets.
Blue base has a tank.
- Blue base has no one in it.
- What?
- Look.
See?
They're all gone.
- Where'd they go?
- They went to Red base.
That's what we've been talking about.
- But which one of these
caves leads to the Blue base?
I'm all turned around down here.
- I have an idea.
See, these are dead Blues.
- Yes, Donut, we're all very
happy about the corpses.
You sicko.
- Don't you get it?
When they buried you, you fell down here.
When the Blues buried these
two guys, they fell in, too.
- I thought the Blues had three dead guys.
- So that means we're standing
right underneath Blue base.
All we need to do is head up
and take them from behind.
- Cavernous conundrum, he's right!
Let's go, men.
We'll grab their base
while they capture ours.
On to glorious victory!
- Technically, that's not victory.
It's more like a stalemate.
- On to equilibrium, then?
- Yeah, that'll work.
- (sigh) This war sucks.
- Diagnostic complete.
- Uh, Sheila, have you seen Tex?
- No. I have been running a
diagnostic on my new home.
I only need some minor repairs
to my landing gear, but I
require a replacement ignition
coil to become functional.
Do you have an ignition
coil, Private Caboose?
- Um, no.
Um, but, uh, Tex wanted me to tell her
when you started talking.
Um, and I'm supposed to find her.
- My sensors indicate
she is at the Red base.
- Oh no. That's the worst kind of base.
- Why did she want to speak to me?
- Oh, she just wanted to
know where O'Malley is.
- Oh.
Of course.
Would you like to know
where O'Malley is, Caboose?
- So by the time I got home, it was 4 AM.
And when my mom asked where I
was, I told her I was riding
around on the train all
night, which I guess
is technically true.
- Uh, yeah.
We don't have to talk about stuff anymore.
Let's just walk and not talk, ever again.
- Come on, little guy.
Hurry up.
- Honk!
- Oh my god.
Head.
- OK, please, really, no more stories.
- Seriously, it's a head.
Look.
- Huh?
- Oh, it's you.
- You know him?
- You speak Spanish?
- Uh, of course I do.
It's the year 2500, and I'm from America.
- Oh, cool.
Tell him O'Malley's gone.
- Who's O'Malley?
- All right, well, I guess let's break up
into teams and search the base.
- Got it.
- Tex.
Tex, are you there, Tex?
I know who O'Malley is.
- It looks like the Reds pulled out.
Does that mean we win?
- I suppose so.
I guess we have two bases in the middle
of a box canyon now.
- Whoop de fucking do.
Right, Tex?
- Don't move, O'Malley.
- Oh crap.
- And then Donut will use all
our grenades to bombard the
base while we move forward
in an advanced cover fire
formation.
- Got it And nobody hurts Sister.
That's my job.
- Why does Donut get to
stay on the sidelines?
- Because he's got a great arm.
Heh, he could've gone pro.
- It comes from years of tossing.
- And as discussed, in the
event that we are cornered and
no other options exist, Donut
will make sure to save at
least four grenades, one for
each of you and two for Grif.
- Anyone have a preference
of frag or sticky?
Tell me now.
I don't want any complaining later on.
- Frag.
No, wait, sticky.
- Surprise me.
- I'm going to change back to frag.
- Hey, Sarge, have you
thought about calling for
reinforcements?
Like when we called for the ship.
- You mean the ship that
crushed you while bringing
more Blue soldiers?
Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do that.
- It's worth a shot.
They owe us one now. Come in, command.
Are you there?
Vic, are you there?
Come in.
Is this thing on?
- Does anybody hear that echo?
- Yeah.
We're in a cave, Simmons.
Caves echo, duh.
That's how bats navigate.
- No, it seems like it's coming
from back the way we came.
- Did you say bats?
What bats?
Were you talking about bats?
- Um, just bats in general.
- Don't bullshit me, dude.
I heard bats.
- Hey.
Rojo amigo.
What's going on?
- Vic, we need help.
The Blues have executed a
brilliant plan, and it looks
like we've fallen for it perfectly.
No doubt they're celebrating
at our very own base as we
speak.
- Don't move.
- Ooh, busted.
Kill him, Tex.
I get 50:1 odds if his next
death is caused by anyone but
Caboose.
- We're going to die if we
don't get some help over here,
Vic.
- Uh, hey, dude. It's Vic
Jr. We already covered that.
- Vic Jr., we're going
to die if we don't get
some help over here.
- OK, dude.
Calm down.
Take a chill pill.
If you don't have a chill pill, take one
of those chill strips.
You put it on your tongue. It dissolves.
Chill.
I'll try to help, but
someone's been here, monkeying
with my equipment.
Just give me a second, and I'll, oh no.
Oh, man. I gotta go.
Bye. Try to win.
- Hello?
I don't hear any hold music.
Please don't transfer me to India.
Hello?
Vic Jr., we're going to
die if we don't get some
help over here.
- OK, dude.
Calm down.
Take a chill pill.
If you don't have a chill pill, take one
of those chill strips.
Put it on your tongue.
It dissolves. Chill.
I'll try to help, but
someone's been here, monkeying
with my equipment.
Just give me a second, and I'll-
- Hello, hello?
Who's there?
- No. Oh man, I gotta go.
Bye.
Try to win.
- Who's talking down here?
Hello.
- Oh, yes. I'm still here, Vic.
We need help.
- Sarge?
- Simmons, is that you?
- Yes.
- What the, do you work at command now?
When were you promoted?
- I don't work at command.
You called me here.
It looks like this monitoring
equipment is interfering with
our radios or something.
- Diabolical.
Well, get your keister back here.
Red command is useless.
- There's a news flash.
- Shut up, Grif.
- Did that order come from command?
- In fact, it did.
And they also ordered my foot to report up
your ass on the double.
- I can't believe I donated
organs for this fucking war.
- Tex, I am not O'Malley.
- Bullshit.
It all makes sense now.
You were the one that
told Gary where we were.
You were the one that wanted
me to disable Sheila by moving
her to the ship.
And you wanted the ignition
coil once I removed it.
- That's all coincidental.
It doesn't make me evil.
It just makes me a bad leader.
- Why would Caboose tell me it was you?
- You're getting information from Caboose.
- That's right.
- Dude, I'll tell you what.
If you get me killed again, I
gotta tell you, this time I'm
going to be a little pissed.
- Sheila told me that O'Malley might be
inside Blue leader.
- And that's you.
- Sheila's crazy, remember?
Besides, I was never
officially promoted to Blue
leader, anyway.
That's, oh no.
- So that's how you got here, Lopez?
What a strange, yet
totally believable story.
- Hi there.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Captain Butch Flowers,
and this is my friend.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hey, wait.
Wasn't I sent here to replace you?
- Honk?
- Hey there, little guy.
I've been waiting a very,
very long time to meet you.
(evil laugh)
- I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you.
It's Flowers.
- Liar. Flowers is dead.
- Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker?
Where did they go?
I certainly didn't sneak over
here and scare them off in my
spare time, when I wasn't
dealing with you and Tex and
that new yellow freak and
that stupid, disgusting kid of
yours.
- OK, OK.
Man, I hope if Flowers is
alive, that he doesn't want
this armor back.
Hey, what's up with the Reds?
- Where are they?
- Who knows? Maybe it's lunch time.
Maybe the Red Army doesn't pay
overtime, and they all just
went home.
- All their stuff is here.
I don't think they evacuated.
- What do you think, Tex?
- I think we may have walked right into-
- A trap?
- Wyoming.
- OK, see?
Now, if I was O'Malley, I
would have known that was
gonna happen.
- Shouldn't we rethink this plan?
- Why?
- Well, now that Simmons has cut us off
from command, we're attacking
the enemy base with no
support.
- I didn't cut us off from command.
- You interrupted the radio transmission.
- No, I didn't.
Whoever Sarge was talking with
was already down in that cave.
I just walked up and started
talking to Sarge in the middle
of it.
- What the fuck do you
think interrupting means?
- Can it, you two.
- Yeah.
You're giving me a headache.
- Andy? Is that you?
- No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis.
Pleased to meet you, you dickhead.
- I thought you were
busy helping the enemy.
- Ah, they didn't need me anymore.
Apparently, that revived
guy learned enough alien
language to get by.
And then it was, what have
you done for me lately?
- Hey, what was that deal they
were talking about when I was
all drugged out?
- Grif, I'm proud of you.
Admitting you have a
problem is the first step.
- Fuck off, Donut.
- Baby steps, Grif.
- That new alien is here
to find the old one,
and he revived the blue guy to help him.
But then something happened to him.
I don't know what.
He started acting all funky.
- The alien revived him.
- Yeah.
They don't treat life and
death the same way we do.
In fact, that little guy
that everyone thinks-
- We don't have time for this.
Let's go, men.
- Wait.
Take me with you!
- Andy, we're going into battle
unmanned, low on ammo, and
with no support.
What use could we
possibly have for a bomb?
- I could always act as a lookout.
Or a spy.
Or a chef.
Or, you know, you could
always use me as a bomb.
Oh, hey, Lopez.
- Wyoming.
- Ah, yes.
Hello, Tex.
So sorry to sneak up on you when you were
busy quarreling about,
well, whatever it is
exactly you people do here.
I'm guessing some kind of
ditch digging or something.
- Blue team doesn't even have shovels.
Which kind of sucks, because
our guys are the ones who keep
dying.
- And it looks like that
trend is going to continue.
- Oh, what, you're here for Tex?
Because if you are, she's right there.
All yours, buddy.
Go for it.
- Yeah, ladies first.
- Not at all.
I'm here for your little friend.
He's very important to a lot of people.
(radio noise)
- (coughing) Excuse me.
- Now that Church is possessed
by O'Malley and is evil, do
you think we'll have to
kick him off the team?
Then it would be just me
and my sidekick, Tucker.
That's not a lot of people on the team.
Also, I don't like Tucker.
Oh, I know.
Maybe we can convince one
of the Reds to switch sides.
Then we could give them Tucker.
That would fix both problems.
- I don't know.
That doesn't seem like it would work.
(phone ringing)
- Oh, Church is calling me.
Probably to ask me to
be his new best friend.
Or to infect me with a
horrible computer virus.
Excuse me for a minute, Sheila.
I have to take this.
- Affirmative.
- Yes.
Hello, evil Church.
What can I do for you?
- So, Wyoming, you just showed up
here and decided to attack us.
- Uh, my name is Caboose.
- And now you've caught us at gunpoint,
and it looks like we're in big trouble.
- Now that doesn't sound
like something I would do.
I think you have the wrong number.
- Here at Red base.
Wyoming.
You found us and are holding us prisoner.
At the Red base.
Wyoming.
- Uh, Red base, no.
Uh, I'm in the ship.
The ship.
Sheila, I think O'Malley
has driven him crazy.
Um, he's talking nonsense.
- If only someone nearby, someone with
access to a tank, somehow
knew what was going on
and could help us.
Someone, for instance, in blue
armor, who somehow knew about
the situation and figured out
what the fuck other people
were talking about and tried
to fucking to help us, and
then we would be saved.
- Yeah, he's definitely crazy.
Hey, Sheila, where's the
tank part of you going?
- Why do you keep explaining things to me?
I understand the situation perfectly.
I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.
- Yeah. What are you, the
narrator now or something?
- I just want everyone to be
on the same page about Wyoming
ambushing us at the Red base.
- We know.
- Wyoming.
The bad guy.
- We know!
- And we're here at the Red
base, which isn't the Blue
base or the caves or the
cliffs or that weird tree or
the windmill.
- We get it, dude. We're
standing right here.
- Maybe we should take this from the top.
Do you want to write this down?
- No.
- I think your friend
here has lost his marbles.
- Oh, you want to see crazy?
Wait until you try to take my fucking kid.
What do you want with him, anyway?
He never did anything to you.
- It's not what he did.
It's what he's going to do.
That child is very special.
- Yeah, I know.
I guess I should have read
to him more or something.
- Not that kind of special, you half-wit.
I mean he's important.
- Red base. No one is
in the state of Wyoming.
- There's the base.
- It looks like they're in trouble.
Is that that bounty hunter guy?
That guy's a dick.
- Ah, the blues have
overextended themselves and
spread their forces too thin.
Classic blunder.
Change of plans, men.
Instead of hitting Blue base,
we're going to take back our
own base.
- Tank!
- Oh shit!
- Re-change of plans, men!
- Fuck this!
- Blue base it is.
- That little alien of yours
has a very important destiny
to fulfill.
And we're going to make sure he doesn't.
- Well, he's not here, so guess what?
You're shit outta luck.
- I'm well aware.
My partner is taking care of that little
acquisition right now.
I'm just here to tidy up a bit.
- How'd you sneak up on us, anyway?
Tex, I thought you were
supposed to be good at this
stealth stuff.
- I am.
- Wow, that's awesome.
Good for you.
- Oh no.
Tex has gone invisible.
Whatever shall I do?
Fretting, worry.
- Dude, I wouldn't sound so smug.
She kicked your ass last time,
and you weren't outnumbered
like you are now.
- (laughing) It worked!
I can't believe Caboose came through!
How do you like that, Wyoming?
We even have our tank now.
Boo-yah, motherfucker!
- (laughing smugly) Your tank?
- Knock knock, Church.
- Oh shit.
- (laughing) It worked!
I can't believe Caboose came through.
How do you like that, Wyoming?
We even have our tank now.
Boo-yah, motherfuck-
- Sheila, um, did you send the
tank out there to help them?
- Negative.
- Oh.
So the tank went out there,
on its own.
- Affirmative.
- Sheila, I think they
might be in trouble.
- Affirmative.
- I should help them!
- Affirmative.
- I can go out there-
- Negative.
- And help them beat Wyoming-
- Negative.
- And save the day-
- No.
- And everyone will love me!
- What?
- Especially Church!
- My sensors indicate
you don't stand a chance.
- Thanks, Sheila.
This is a great plan!
- You know, I really can't
thank you enough for leaving
your tank completely unattended.
It was very kind of you, old chap.
Makes your defeat and
humiliation so much easier.
- Yeah? Well, great.
Glad we could help.
I'm sure if you give us
enough time, we'll just kill
ourselves, save you some ammo.
- If it makes you feel any
better, your death is for a
very noble cause.
- What do you want with
Tucker's kid, anyway?
- What? How did we get here?
What?
- What's wrong with you?
- With me? What's happening?
- Um, we're being held prisoner.
Where the hell have you been?
- What? How?
I'm so confused.
- What do you mean, how? Are you retarded?
- But Tex. She-
- I know.
Tex'll take him out.
- Oh, right, Tex.
You mean her?
Poor Tex.
Never could figure out
when she'd been beaten.
- What? How'd you know where she was?
- What do you mean?
That's where she was before.
- Before what?
Tucker, have you gone insane?
- Wait a minute.
What's going on?
- I think he knows.
- I think you're right.
- Church.
I am coming to help.
Don't start without me.
- It's the idiot.
Take care of him, quickly.
- Right.
- Caboose, no!
Stay back!
Don't get near the tank!
(scream)
- Caboose!
No!
- Whoa.
Looks like the blue on just
got killed by the tank.
- A Blue got killed by their own tank?
Man, I just had the
weirdest sense of deja vu.
- Hey, speaking of getting
tanked, we should see if the
Blues have any beer around here.
- Hi-yo!
- Eliminate them.
- No!
Move!
Look out!
- Caboose!
Caboose!
Ah, fuck, he's not moving.
- I'm telling you, he's
dead, just like last time.
- Tucker, you are going to
start making sense right now.
That's an order.
- This already happened.
Wyoming shot Caboose.
Tex jumped Wyoming and knocked
his gun away, and then-
- Tex is unconscious!
- Fucking A, I know.
That's what I'm saying.
(shout)
- Uh-
I hit him!
I hit him!
I can't believe I hit,
I mean, I knew this
sniper rifle was awesome.
- This is just like last time.
Once Wyoming lost, everything seemed to,
reset.
- You know, I really can't
thank you enough for leaving
your tank completely unattended.
It was very kind of you, old chap.
Makes your defeat and
humiliation so much easier.
- Yeah?
Well, great.
Glad we could help.
I'm sure if you give us
enough time, we'll just kill
ourselves, save you some ammo.
- If it makes you feel any
better, your death is for a
very noble cause.
- What do you want with
Tucker's kid, anyway?
- What is going on?
- Um, we're being held prisoner.
Where the hell have you been?
- Church, don't you remember any of this?
- Tucker, what the fuck
are you talking about?
- He knows.
- How the devil is he keeping up with us?
- Irrelevant.
Eliminate him.
- No!
Move!
Tex, look out!
He knows where you are.
- What?
- Church, I am coming to help.
Don't start without me.
- Oh shit, I forgot about Caboose!
(gunshot)
- Argh, I am dead!
- Caboose!
No!
- Yowza.
Looks like the blue one just got sniped.
- Hey, speaking of getting
sniped, we should see if the
Blues have any beer around here?
- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
- I don't know.
It sounded a lot funnier in
my head before I said it.
- Man, I just had the
weirdest sense of deja vu.
- Aw crap.
- What do you mean, aw crap?
Caboose just got killed.
- Yeah, I know, but I'm
pretty sure it's OK.
Somehow, Wyoming keeps looping
us through the same events,
over and over again, and no
one but me seems to remember.
I don't know how, but every
time he gets hurt, things just
start-
- Yeah? Well, great.
Glad we could help.
I'm sure if you give us
enough time, we'll just kill
ourselves, save you some ammo.
- Yeah, what do you want
with my kid, anyway?
- You don't remember?
- Remember?
You never told me anything.
- I think it worked that time.
- Apparently.
Keep your eye on him next time.
- What the fuck are
you guys talking about?
Oh, you know what?
Never mind. Keep talking.
Waste time until Tex kills you.
- Oh, right, dear Tex.
You mean her?
Oh, poor Tex.
Never could understand when she was-
- Beaten?
- Oh dear.
- Reggie?
- That's right, bitch.
I take care of my kids.
- I am coming to help.
Don't start without me.
- Caboose, get the fuck out of here!
- OK, bye.
I don't want to help anymore.
- Whoa.
Looks the white guy just got stabbed.
- Hey, speaking of getting stabbed,
I think I have a headache
all of the sudden.
For some reason, I want a beer.
- Man, I just had the weirdest
sense of, man, what's that
thing called when you think
you've done something, but you
don't know if you did it?
- How the fuck should I know?
- Tucker, how did you know
that was going to happen?
- 'Cause of Wyoming.
You know how Tex said every
Freelancer had an AI and a
special ability?
- Yeah.
- I think Wyoming can loop
us through little segments of
time, and he just keeps doing
it over and over again until
he wins.
- Wait, what?
How many times did we loop?
- Who knows?
Doesn't matter now.
That cocksucker's dead.
- No, no, it does matter.
Don't you remember when we
came here to begin with, I got
stuck in a loop, and
every time I went back, I
left a bunch of
copies.
- Yes, everything is
coming together as planned.
And these fools still have no idea.
Once the young one gets
his sword, there will be no
stopping us.
- Hey, what about the other guy, dude?
Does he know about the
thing with the thing?
- No, that beast does not
suspect anything, either.
Everyone has played right into our hands.
(evil laugh)
OK, maybe that was a little loud.
(evil chuckle)
There.
That's better.
- They're getting away!
- Come on!
- Cut them off!
- Why aren't you being
affected by any of this?
- Remember the sniper shot.
- He said it has something
to do with the sword.
(shout)
- I told you to watch for the sniper shot.
- Who said? When?
- Just trust me.
- Get off the ledge, you fool.
(shout)
- The cliff!
Head for the cliff!
- This time, flank him.
- That's where Tex will be.
- Are you sure?
- No, not that way.
- Now I've got you!
- Whoa!
- Hey, you know what? I
kind of like this new,
all- knowing, badass Tucker.
You're certainly a lot
better than the old one.
- No, Church, wait!
The other way.
- Knock, knock, Church.
- Son of a bitch!
- I meant the other other way.
My bad, dude.
- I take back what I said.
You still suck.
- OK, Tex, perfect.
Now listen.
- What the hell?
Why do you guys keep
giving away my position?
- It doesn't matter!
They know you're here anyway.
Duck!
- See?
- What is going on?
- Tex, this is almost going to
be impossible to explain, but
he knows exactly what's going
on, and we just need to trust
him.
- Trust him?
10 minutes ago, he shot me.
- Yeah, well that's, I
mean, you know, come on.
He's kind of a bitch.
But don't worry.
Now that we're together, I'm
sure he has an awesome plan.
Right, Tucker?
- Right. Now you guys stay
here and distract the Wyomings.
I'm gonna take care of that fucking tank.
- Distract?
How?
- Not getting killed is
a great way to start.
Watch your back!
- Jesus!
- Caboose, are you ready to help?
I need you to do something.
- Great.
- I need you to run out there
and get the tank to shoot at
you and draw it closer to the ship.
It's going to be really dangerous.
- OK.
- Caboose, that's why I always liked you.
Everything falls into two categories.
Either you don't understand
it, or you just don't care.
- Yeah, I don't really know
what you mean by that, but I
guess it doesn't matter.
- Exactly.
- Why didn't you have Tex or Church help?
Is it because I'm the best?
- No, it's because Church is an asshole,
and Tex doesn't trust me right now.
- Really? Why not?
- Eh, because I got to use a
sniper rifle, and I ended up
unloading a round into her ass.
- Hey chicka bum bum.
- Caboose, what did I tell you about that?
- Sorry, sorry.
- Hey, big, mean tank jerk.
Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?
Yeah, that's more like it.
Uh-oh.
Uh, OK, um, Tucker, um, um, here it comes.
Tucker?
Tucker?
Um, yeah.
I, I didn't really need anything.
I,
I, I just wanted to say, um, hi?
- Now, Sheila!
- Affirmative.
- What? No!
- Did you get him, Sheila?
- I have him.
He is currently isolated
behind a firewall.
He is attempting to get through, but it
will take some time.
He is not that smart.
- I heard that.
- Great.
Caboose, stay here. I'll be back in a bit.
- OK.
But I still don't know what's happening.
Good tank?
Nice tank?
- Man, that seems like a really big fight.
- Yeah.
Looks like they don't
stand much of a chance.
Ha, those Blues are finally
getting what they deserve.
I always knew this day would come.
- You mean, you knew that the
Blues would be killed by an
unknown group of clone enemies
while in control of our base,
and while we were in control of theirs?
Seriously?
You knew that was coming?
- Absolutely. It's so obvious.
Durr.
What a glorious day to be Red!
- And the best part of it all
is that the Blues are finally
going to be driven out of the
canyon, and we get to sit on
the sidelines.
Man, someone does all the
battling, and we just have to
kick back and let them
take the glory, while
we enjoy the benefits.
We don't have to do anything.
(grumbling)
- (sigh) You know, one of these
days, and I don't know when,
I'm going to learn to
shut my fucking mouth.
- OK, I'll take the ones on the right.
You take the ones on the left.
- There's twice as many on the left.
- I know. I can count.
- Just keep backing them up.
- Why? What are we waiting, wait a second.
What the hell is that music?
(tejano music grows louder)
(Wyomings shouting)
- Hyah!
Now that's what I call riding shotgun.
Blammo!
Ha ha.
- Excellent shot and
follow-up one-liner, sir.
- Thank you, Simmons.
(shout)
- Now get to blasting.
- On it, sir.
Yeah, suck it Blue!
And you too, white, you suck it, crackers!
- Crackers?
I thought you were Dutch-Irish.
- Fuck that shit.
Shut up and drive, bitch.
Yeah, get some!
Suck it, bitch!
Oh, you want some?
How about this?
You like that?
- I got plenty more here.
- Take that, you honky motherfuckers!
- Hey, Reds.
Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?
- Uh, is he going to be OK?
- I am Caboose, the vehicle destroyer!
- Yeah, probably.
- Hey, one of them's still alive.
(groaning)
- What's your plan, Wyoming?
Why are you here, and what
do you want with Junior?
- He already told me.
My kid is the last part of that big
prophecy we thought failed.
He's supposed to become some
big religious savior for their
whole race or some crap.
- What?
- Yeah.
So they want to make Junior
fulfill the prophecy and have
O'Malley infect him.
Then they can use him to
enslave all the aliens by
corrupting their religion from the inside.
- OK, that's disgusting.
- No, that's our job, to
win the war at any cost.
- Yeah, well good luck.
Now that we have you, all we
need to do is stop O'Malley,
and Tex will be more
than happy to do that.
- Oh, on the contrary, my friend.
Now that she knows our plan,
not only will she not stop us,
our dear Tex is going to help us.
- Oh yeah.
I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley.
Isn't that right, Tex?
Tex?
- He's right.
(radio noise)
- This is Freelancer Tex,
broadcasting on an open channel.
- Tex!
What are you doing?
- You want me, O'Malley?
Come and get me.
- Hey, Caboose.
Caboose!
Come out so I can shoot
you, you fuckstick.
- Where did Caboose go?
- I don't see him.
Caboose!
- Come out, Caboose.
All we want to do is shoot you.
- Don't listen to them.
It's a trick.
- This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting
on an open channel.
- This is Private Church, broadcasting
on an open channel.
- Why are the Blues on the radio?
- Who knows?
Hey, Blues, shut the fuck up.
Get off our radios and quit
running our batteries down.
(beeping)
- Do it now, or I will kill every last one
of you, and then everyone
else here as well,
just to prove a point.
(evil laugh)
- Whoa, Simmons, hey.
Don't you think that was
a little over the top?
- Suck it, you fool.
- And what's wrong with your voice?
- Nothing.
Why does something have
to be wrong with my voice?
Maybe something's wrong with your voice.
Ever think about that, cocksucker?
- Um, you do know that's Sarge
you're talking to, right?
- I mean, cocksucker, sir!
(evil chuckling)
- This is Private Church,
broadcasting on an open channel.
- What are you doing?
- I'm making you harder to find.
Tucker!
Turn on your radio.
- Fuck that.
If O'Malley gets me, he'll get the sword.
- Attention all Blues, turn
on your radio and start
broadcasting right now.
- OK, I'm on the radio too now.
This is fun.
What do you want to talk about?
- Well, he can't find you now, Tex.
- Don't get involved, Church.
Omega wants me, he can have me.
- Why?
So you can kidnap Tucker's kid
and enslave an entire race?
- Yeah, what's up with that, bitch?
- We have to win the war, Church.
- Well, what about after?
Do you think Omega is just
going to stop after he gets a
whole species for an army?
He's going to take over
everything, Tex, and you're
not going to be able to stop him.
- I guess we'll find out.
- Hey, uh, Church?
It's Doc.
Yeah, uh, you remember that
Blue leader guy down here?
Uh, he's just keeled over.
So I,
I think O'Malleys on his way.
Just FYI.
- Tex, shut off your radio.
- I would get away from me if I were you.
- Doc, any idea where he went?
- I have no idea.
And that alien buddy of his
took off with Junior, too.
Uh, if you want, I could look
for them on this computer down
here.
- Computer?
What?
- Yeah.
It's showing us the whole canyon.
What's with all the dead white guys?
- What computer?
Whatever.
Listen, just keep looking for
him and tell me if you find
him.
- OK.
- Hey, uh, shouldn't you
try to help this guy?
- What?
- Aren't you like the medic or something?
- Yeah, OK, whatever.
Shut up. You talk too much.
- Hey. You think I can use
this thing to check Myspace?
(guns cocking)
- Tex.
Is he in there?
- No.
Is he in you?
- Bullshit.
I think you're lying.
I think that-
- Nothing!
Why does something have
to be wrong with my voice?
Maybe something's wrong with your voice.
Did you ever think about that, cocksucker?
- Fuck!
Tucker, stop her.
- Hey, who the hell are
you calling a buffoon?
I am not a buffoon.
I don't even know what a buffoon is.
- Both of you, shut up.
- Seriously, what is it?
Some kind of monkey?
It's a monkey, isn't it?
- You fool.
- Hey, Reds.
- Freeze, you dirty Blue!
- No no no no.
Hey, I'm here to help.
Omega's on the loose, and I
think he's infected one of
your guys.
- Infected?
Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men.
- Ow!
What the fuck?
- I didn't say who.
I think it's actually Simmons.
- That's OK.
That's how all our emergency plans begin.
- Simmons, get off that gun right now.
- No.
- What did you say to me?
- I said no, (evil laugh).
How do you like that?
No.
- Well, since you asked,
I don't like it at all.
- First, I'm going to kill you.
And then my plan to be leader
of the Reds will be complete.
After that, I'm going to kill
every being in the universe.
From now on, everyone will kiss my ass!
(laughing)
- Uh, yeah, it's definitely
Simmons that got infected.
- Well, no shit.
Donut, initiate Emergency Plan
Traitorous Simmons Number 11.
- On it, sir.
- Ow!
(gasping and coughing)
- Donut!
I said plan 11!
- Where am I going to get a steamroller?
- Simmons, do not fire that weapon.
That's an order.
- Too late, Sarge.
Simmons is getting a promotion.
Mwahaha, ow, the back of my lower leg!
Ow, the side of my head!
The back of my face!
The front of my front!
- Hey, Church, I think Tex is over here.
- Thanks for the update.
- Tex, I know now might not be
the best time, but I'd really
like you to consider coming
over to the Red team.
Technically, you know,
black is just a really
dark shade of red.
We'll talk later.
(radio noise)
- Church, are we still
talking on the radio?
'cause I'd love to talk on the radio.
What?
What am I doing in this idiot?
Hee- guh- gah- gerk.
- (sigh) Crap.
Sarge, I need you to do me a favor.
If I'm not out of there in 10
minutes, I'm going to need you
to disable that ship.
'Cause if Tex gets out of here
with O'Malley and that kid,
there's no one that's going to be able
to stop her.
- What the hell was he talking about?
- Oh.
Tex and Omega have some kind
of stupid plan to enslave the
whole alien race.
But Church thinks if she does,
she's gonna become the queen
of the universe or some shit.
- (gasp) Queen of the universe?
No one even told me we
were having a competition.
(popping sound)
- Oh crap.
- What in Sam Hill just happened here?
- I'll tell you what happened.
My own fucking teammate, ow!
- Nice to have you back, Simmons.
- Thank you, sir.
Good to be back.
Cocksucker.
- All right, then.
Let's go blow up that ship.
- Hey, Church said to
wait until he gets out.
- Well, that's a nice idea, son.
But blowing up stuff ain't a democracy.
Simmons, where can we get some explosives?
- Well, if you'll recall, we
recently saw Andy the bomb and
Lopez in one of the caves.
So-
- Of course. Come on, men.
Let's go ask Lopez if he
knows where we can find some
explosives.
- (sigh) Excellent plan, sir.
- Man, this place has really gone to hell.
I guess maintenance isn't a priority.
Caboose!
Tex!
Anyone in here?
(metallic noise)
Who's that?
Caboose? Tex? Omega?
- Freeze!
Look, I captured someone.
I am the best.
I mean, I'm the best
one that isn't Caboose.
- Great job, Simon.
- Thanks, orangest guy, whose
name I really don't remember.
- Let's all go shopping to celebrate.
- Arr, let's be making him walk the plank.
- Oh.
Hey, Reds.
Hey, have you guys seen Omega or Tex?
- Stop asking questions, you.
We don't like questions in here.
Thinking of answers makes
people's heads hurt.
- Hey, guys, what's up?
- Tucker?
How did you get in here?
- I'm in here all the time.
I have this sword now.
You might think it's cool, but it isn't.
Nobody wants to play with it
because it's dumb, and even
though I don't let people play
with it, no one cares anyway.
Because it's dumb.
- Oh.
Right.
Tucker.
- Also, I'm stupid and
ugly, and my butt stinks.
Like a butt.
- All right, OK, OK.
Guys, listen.
I need you to take me to Mr. Caboose.
Can you do that?
- (gasp) Why would we do that?
- Oh.
Uh, because I am, ugh.
Because I'm his best friend.
- Oh. Nice to meet you.
- Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose.
We be having a prisoner for you, we do.
- I thought you had a pirate accent.
- Arr, I'm not very consistent.
Yarr.
- Caboose, hey.
It's me, Church.
- Yes. Hello, Church.
You must be very happy to see me.
- Yeah, right, of course.
I'm so happy, I want to fucking puke.
- Hey, what's up.
- Hey, who the fuck are you?
Sister?
- Yup, I'm Sister.
Church's twin brother.
I came here in a spaceship
that came from the moon.
It crashed next to Blue base,
and now I live with Caboose,
and the people from the tail
section of the spaceship live
on the other side of the island.
- What the fuck? That's like
wrong in eight different ways.
- Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
- Caboose, do you ever listen
to anything that we tell you?
- New Church is my best friend.
- I would argue with that,
too, but what's the point?
- Did I mention that I had a
baby, but I won't tell anyone
how babies are made?
Not that it matters, because
everyone knows how anyway.
Stupid babies.
- OK, enough.
Has anybody seen Tex or Omega?
I'm in kind of a rush.
- I haven't.
But you know who might know?
Those two new people that we
saw fighting over by the ramps.
We could ask them.
- OK.
Let's go do that.
Oh shit.
They're not fighting. That's bad for me.
All right, Tucker, quick.
I need you to jump out there
and kill them with your sword.
If they die in here, they get
forced out of Caboose's head.
- No way! That sounds scary!
You do it.
I'm going to get back to
my busy day smelling butts.
- Dude, I can't!
Your sword only works
for y, wait a minute.
There's no possible way
he understands that.
Fuck it. Give me the sword, dude.
- OK, Andy.
We're going to need you to
get in that ship and explode.
You think you can take
out the whole thing?
- You bet!
Just say the word, and I'll detonate.
Man, this is gonna be great!
- Hello, Lopez.
- Yes.
It is good to see you again.
- Oh, Lopez.
Looks like your girlfriend's
put on a little weight.
- Andy, that's rude.
- What?
You were all thinking it.
I mean, I'm just saying.
Someone should seriously consider
switching to unleaded.
- But I have your word that
none of them will be hurt.
(evil laugh)
- Tex, get away from him!
Stab!
Boo-yah!
- No! Dammit, Church!
- Awesome. I'm like a fucking Jedi.
Oh, fuck. They're both dead.
Quick. Somebody kill me.
Quick. Hurry, please.
Somebody, anybody, please,
just fucking kill me!
- Why?
- Because I need to get out of here.
Come on, please.
Hurry, quick, just kill me, please.
Hurry. It'll be fun.
I'm a dick.
- None of our guns work.
We just have them for show.
- Mine is just a purse.
- Ah, you know, never mind.
(grunt)
- Hey, can I ask you one quick q-
(popping sound)
- Caboose, what happened?
- Tex appeared out of nowhere
and beat up Tucker, which was
awesome, and took his sword.
Also, someone may have been
surprised by that and peed his
pants just a little bit.
Or a lot.
- I was only behind him like 30 seconds.
What the fuck? Where is she?
- She took the sword and a
Wyoming helmet to the ship.
I think she went to the
ship to save Tucker's kid.
He's on the ship too now.
- Fuck! What about O'Malley?
Where's he?
(radio noise)
- (laughing)
That's the problem with living
in a patriarchal society.
Men just automatically
assume they know everything
(laughing)
- Never mind.
(popping sound)
- Huh?
What is this place?
Hey, buddy, are you OK?
(electrical noise)
- What's that noise?
Well, fuck.
- Hello, fellows.
How's everything going out here?
- Not good.
Hey, you don't sound evil anymore.
- Thanks for noticing, private.
Yeah, being possessed
by an evil force can be
difficult at times.
But with a little hard work
and positive thinking, you can
overcome anything.
- I think you mean hard work,
positive thinking, and no
longer being useful as a
pawn in their evil plan.
- Yeah, that too.
So who are we fighting today?
- Oh, you know, the usual.
Tex, Red team.
- Red team.
Those old rascals.
Some things never change.
They still wearing red armor these days?
- Um, yeah.
- Oh, Red team.
- Hey, I could use some help.
- You bet.
And I have some information
about the Reds that will
guarantee our victory.
- You do?
- I certainly do.
Would you like to hear it?
- Yeah, I wanna hear it.
- Great.
Because I'm just about to tell you.
- OK, why aren't you telling me?
- Good question.
I seem to be dramatically
pausing for some,
ker bleaahh.
- Well, good riddance.
I wasn't giving this armor back, anyway.
- Whoa, easy, Donut.
You've been infected by a
computer virus, and we just
need to figure out what to do about it.
- (goofy evil laugh) No!
It's my body, it's my choice.
And another thing, why do I do
as much work as you guys, but
I only make 92%-
- Hey, don't hit my soldiers
without my permission.
I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers.
(evil laugh)
Yeah, eat lead, world.
Drop and give me infinity.
- Sarge, you've finally gone crazy.
Whoa, that's weird.
I have a sudden urge to
conquer the universe.
Which is odd for me because, well, that
would take actual work.
I think I'll just fall asleep instead.
- We're here.
Is anyone hurt?
Does anyone need to be killed?
(evil laugh)
- I know that laugh.
Nobody move.
You know what, I don't really
feel all that different.
(semi-evil chuckle)
Nah, feels pretty much the same.
That's, that's kinda weird.
I maybe expected more?
(radio noise)
- Where'd he go?
Where'd he go?
Is he gone?
(beeping)
- Tex?
- Church, run.
- Tex, don't!
- You have no idea what
kind of trouble you are in.
- Wait, Tex, you don't want to do this.
- Sheila, are you ready?
- All systems online.
Ignition coil activated.
Starting thrusters.
- Launch when ready.
- Please take your seats.
Launching in three, two, one.
- Tex, don't do this.
- Liftoff.
- Goodbye.
- We have to stop her right now.
- No problemo, Blue.
(radio noise)
- Andy, you there?
- I'm here, Coach.
- What's going on?
- Tex is hooking up Wyoming's
helmet to the computer.
- Ready for your job, soldier?
- You bet!
- All right then, son.
Do what you were born to do.
Detonate.
- Hey, you want me to
start from 10 or three?
Come on, let's build it up a little bit.
Suspense, it'll kill them.
- I told you to disable
the ship, not destroy it!
- Oh, well, score one for
the Red team, I guess.
- What about my kid?
- Six.
- Oh, right.
Score two.
- Four.
- Andy, do not-
- Three.
- Detonate.
Can you see her heading?
- Two.
- Do you know where she's going?
- One.
- Tex?
- Boo, no explosion.
That sucked.
- Ha ha, blammo!
- Wow, that explosion was awesome.
- What explosion? I didn't see it.
Do it again.
- Uh, Church, what should we do?
- Do whatever you want.
I'm going home.
- Yeah, fuck this.
- Sarge, are we fighting?
- No, Simmons, I think they've
had their ass kicked enough
for one day.
Let's leave some for tomorrow.
♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪
♪ One day, we'll cruise
down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪
♪ It's Red versus Red
and Blue versus Blue ♪
♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪
- Church?
- Yeah?
- You ever wonder why we're here?
- You know, Caboose, I used to not care.
I just went along with orders
and hoped that everything
would work out for me.
But after all that's happened,
you know what I've learned?
It's not about hating the
guy on the other side because
someone told you to.
I mean, you should hate
someone because they're an
asshole or a pervert or snob,
or they're lazy or arrogant or
an idiot or a know-it-all.
Those are reasons to dislike somebody.
You don't hate a person
because someone told you to.
You have to learn to despise
people on a personal level,
not because they're Red
or because they're Blue,
but because you know them,
and you see them every single day,
and you can't stand them
because they're a complete
and total fucking douchebag.
- I meant why are we up here
in the sun, when we could be
standing down there in the shade.
- Oh.
Yeah, OK.
Let's go stand in the shade.
- What are they doing?
- What?
- I said, what are they doing now?
- I don't know, man, talking.
That's all these guys ever do.
They just stand around and talk.
- What are they talking about?
- You know what? I hate you.
- Yeah. I hate you too, buddy.
- Hey, ladies, get down here.
I built a new vehicle from
some old Warthog parts we had
laying around.
- It's an ATV!
It's awesome.
- Front and center on the double.
We need help naming this thing.
And nothing stupid this time.
- I get to name this one.
- Why?
- Because you named the last one.
- Hey, Simmons?
Just one thing.
- What?
- Shotgun.
- Fuck.
♪ Violets are blue, roses are red ♪
♪ Living like this, we were already dead ♪
♪ Hop in my car, it don't have any doors ♪
♪ It's built like a cat,
it lands on all fours ♪
♪ My car's like a puma,
it drives on all fours ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ Cyan is the sparkle in the sky ♪
♪ Yellow sun reflected in your eye ♪
♪ Red flows through the
passion in your art ♪
♪ Cobalt blue, the wisdom in your heart ♪
♪ When we're together, colors
don't matter much to us ♪
♪ When we're together, eight
bits is enough for us ♪
♪ Corazon feathers flying
inside the copper line ♪
♪ When we're together, they
are yours, and they are mine ♪
♪ Dark is for the killer that's inside ♪
♪ Light surrounds the
goodness that you hide ♪
♪ Purple hearts are
tugging at our sleeve ♪
♪ We stole fire ♪
♪ Now there's nothing left to thieve ♪
♪ When we're together, colors
don't matter much to us ♪
♪ When we're together, eight
bits is enough for us ♪
♪ Corazon feathers flying
inside the copper line ♪
♪ When we're together, they
are yours, and they are mine ♪