Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Everything Old Is New Again - full transcript
(power chords playing)
(bluesy music)
♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪
♪ One day we'll cruise
down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪
♪ It's red versus red,
then blue versus blue ♪
♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪
♪ Violets are blue and roses are red ♪
♪ Livin' like this we were already dead ♪
(gritty blues music)
♪ Hop in my car ♪
♪ It don't have any doors ♪
♪ It's built like a cat ♪
♪ It lands on all fours ♪
♪ My car's like a puma ♪
♪ It drives on all fours ♪
(bluesy music intensifying)
- [Dufresne] Come in,
Blue Command, come in.
This is Medical Officer, Dufresne.
I have reached Blood Gulch
Outpost Alpha. Do you read?
(radio hissing)
(radio chattering)
Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.
(radio chattering)
Blue Command, please
boost your transmission
to match communication
protocol, Echo Bravo...
- [V.I.C.] Yo, I hear ya, calm down, dude.
What's goin' on?
Hello, y'all, can ya hear me? Hello.
- Uh, roger that, command.
- [V.I.C.] Sorry about that.
I was in the elevator.
This thing doesn't work so well in there.
What's goin' on, dude?
- Roger that. Is this Blue Command?
- Oh yeah, man, sure, totally.
What's goin' on?
- You're sure? The Blue Command base?
- Hey dude. Take it easy.
You called me. I didn't call you.
- No, I know. It's just--
(radio hissing)
- It's just what, dude?
- Never mind.
I'm just letting you
know that I've reached
the Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
I'm gonna make contact with
the Blue squad members.
- Blood Gulch, huh? All
right, let me look here.
Let me see what it says.
Blood Gulch, Blood, Blood, B-L, blah,
here we go, Blood Gulch.
Okay, it says here, you wanna make contact
with Private Tucker.
Ask 'em about their wounded dude.
- Roger that. Any other orders?
- Anything else, okay yeah.
It says here, whatever
you do, don't, oh...
Okay, never mind, dude.
I'm not supposed to
read ya that part, okay.
Just, you'll be okay. Just
be very careful, that's all.
- Great.
- All right then, well, it's
our goal here at Blue Base
to provide excellent customer service,
and I hope that I've done that today.
If you have any further questions
about this radio transmission,
you can just, you know, call back.
Say, dude, I got some
questions. What's goin' on?
Over and out.
- Okay. Private Tucker.
(birds tweeting)
- Hey Church, we have a problem.
- I am not your mother.
So, don't come tattling to me
every time one o' you does something
that the other one doesn't like.
- I'm telling you he's crazy.
He keeps threatening me and
talking in a scary voice.
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten
to cut off my head and give it
to Church as a birthday present?
- You know, I think you're taking my words
a little out of context.
- What? What context?
- Listen guys, this competition thing
has got to stop, okay?
I thought we established by now--
- Excuse me.
- Hey pal, one second, okay?
I'm in the middle of somethin' here.
I thought we'd established by now,
I don't like either of you, okay?
So, competing for my attention
is not gonna do ya any good.
- Excuse me.
- Okay, yes. Hello, who are you?
- Don't ever be alone.
- He is doing that thing again.
- My name's Dufresne.
Are you Private Tucker?
- No, I'm not Private Tucker.
My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.
Yo, and our friend over
there in regulation blue?
That's Caboose or O'Malley or
whatever the hell he's callin' himself.
- Why did you introduce me second?
- Because he hates you.
- I received your call for a medic.
- Medic? That was, like, three months ago.
- Yeah, what'd you do?
Crawl all the way here?
- I came as quickly as I could.
Where's the patient?
- Well, she's about 50 yards behind you
and six feet straight down.
- Oh, I'm sorry about your loss.
- What? Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, man.
It was tough, but well,
what are you gonna do?
- We didn't like her very much.
(whispering) She was mean to other people.
- Who's in the other grave?
- That's, uh, that's
me. I'm in that grave.
- Uh huh, of course.
- See, uh, he got killed by
this crazy runaway tank...
- Or by the idiot driving it.
- Oh yeah, and then he
became this really mean ghost
and took over a Mexican robot's body.
Oh, and then we had to, that's right,
spray paint him to make him blue,
and now he is alive again and
he is a bionic man, who is blue.
- Right, it took us six weeks
to get his Spanish setting turned off.
(speaking in Spanish)
- (sighing) I'll go get
the Spanish dictionary.
- Wait, so, no one here is hurt?
- No, we're fine. In fact,
I feel better than ever.
See now, whenever these two idiots
really start to bug me,
I can always just turn my ears off.
I couldn't do that before.
- You said they were shorting out.
- I'm sorry, what was that Caboose?
I can't hear you.
- Well then, let me just check you two out
and I'll be on my way.
- Whoa, check us out?
Is this gonna be one o' those things
where I have to turn my head and cough?
- No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.
- I bet I have better vitals than you.
What's a vital?
- On your way? I don't think so, bud.
Aren't you here to join our squad?
- No, I'm just here to help out with Tex,
and then assist in the canyon as needed.
- First of all, great
job on the Tex thing.
Mission accomplished.
Secondly, the way that
we need you to assist
is to help us kill all the reds.
- Well, even if my
orders didn't prohibit me
from doing that, I still wouldn't.
I joined the army as a
conscientious objector.
- A conscious who?
- I'm a pacifist.
- You're a thing that babies suck on?
- No, dude, that's a pedophile.
- Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
- Oh yeah, right.
Man, I was totally thinkin'
about somethin' else.
- That's real classy, Tucker.
(scanner humming)
- Well, everyone here checks out.
I'll come back and check on
you before I leave the canyon.
Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?
- Why? You said you
weren't gonna fight 'em.
- I'm not. Resources are low.
So, I'm on loan to both armies
to help whichever side
needs me at the time.
- Man, that is so freakin' lame.
- I'm just gonna go to Red Base
and see if they need any help.
- Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base,
I'd recommend puttin' away
that little medical thingee o' yours.
They see you walkin'
up carryin' that thing,
they're gonna shoot it
right outta your hand.
(gun blasting)
Yeah, just like that.
(gun blasting)
Scatter!
(gun blasting)
- Nice shot, Cupcake.
- Thanks, Sarge.
(machine gun rat-a-tatting)
Oh, that's right. Suck it, Blue.
- Yeah, sneak attack.
- Sit down, you dumbass. I can't see.
- Hike up your knickers, fellas.
Let's go get 'em.
- Okay Tucker, I need you to get up there,
help Caboose shore up the defense,
establish a suppressing fire
and hold that position
until further notice.
- I didn't even know
what half of that meant.
- Just go over to Caboose's rock
and fire your gun a bunch.
- That rock?
- Yeah, I don't think so.
We do not have time to discuss this.
- Sure, no time for you to discuss it.
You get to hang out here with Nancy Noble
shootin' the breeze.
Meanwhile, I'm out there runnin' around
eatin' a machine gun sandwich.
- Tucker, we're gonna
give you covering fire.
- Covering fire?
Unless that means you're going to build
a huge, bullet-proof
wall between me and them,
I think you need to
come up with a new plan,
preferably one that involves me
keeping the same quantity of
blood that I have right now.
- No problem. Oh wait, wait.
Does the blood have to be in your body?
(machine guns rat-a-tatting)
- Simmons, I can't feel my hands.
- Maybe you should lay off
the trigger, you dumbass.
- All right you, Doc, get
over there and help Caboose.
- My name isn't Doc. It's Frank.
- Yeah, I can't pronounce that.
So from now on, your name is Doc.
- I'm not really comfortable with that.
I'm not a doctor. I'm a medic.
- What's the difference?
- Well, a doctor cures people.
The medic just makes them more
comfortable while they die.
- Mental note, don't ever get shot.
It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.
- All right, but I
don't think it'll stick.
(brash organ music)
- Oh trust us. It'll stick.
Now, get over to Caboose,
and help him hold that position.
- I don't have a gun. I'm a pacifist.
- Well then, just get over
there, and yell bang bang bang.
- Ah, I don't know. Even that
sounds pretty aggressive.
- Oh, come on.
- Besides, I'm not
supposed to get involved
unless someone gets hurt.
- Huh, I see.
(gun blasting)
- [Caboose] Ow!
- Well, looks like
Caboose has hurt himself.
Maybe you should get over
there and help him, Doc.
- You know, you coulda just asked nicely.
- Aw crap, I'm out. Gimme
some ammunition, Grif.
- Me? I don't have any extra.
I'm down to one bullet.
- What? How can that be?
You're the one who carries
all the extra rounds in a battle.
- Wait, since when?
- Since the last staff meeting.
- We actually talk about
stuff in those things?
I just fall asleep inside my helmet.
- Well, you missed your job assignment,
and now we have no ammo.
- What's your job?
- Me? I'm the social chairman.
- Grif, me and Trigger
and Donut are empty.
We need some clips.
- Hey Grif, you remember that
one bullet you have left?
I thought of the perfect
way you can use it.
- I'm here, Caboose. Where are you hit?
- Ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!
- The left foot?
- Uh, left, let's see, that
makes an L with your thumb.
- I'm just gonna assume
it's the bleeding one.
- Yeah, the red one.
I can't believe Church shot me.
- [Church] Oh, don't even start, Caboose.
- Anything else?
- Uh, what?
- You have a bullet wound in the foot.
Is anything else wrong?
- Uh, oh, I got one.
Sometimes when I fall asleep at night,
I think about my parents having sex
and I get really really
mad, for some reason.
- Okay, I'm just gonna
start with the foot.
- Okay.
- Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?
- I don't know. Maybe they're outta ammo.
- [Sarge] Hey, Blues!
We are givin' you a chance to surrender.
- Surrender?
- No way this bluff is gonna work.
- Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie.
There's positively no way
they know we're outta ammo.
- Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo.
What are your terms?
- Their what?
- Our what?
- I can't believe this
is actually working.
See if you can get Lopez back, Sarge.
- Oh yeah, 'cause then
he can fix the Warthog.
- Oh oh, Sarge, tell
them we want the flag.
- Yeah, and some cake.
- Oh, wait a minute, Sarge, just the cake.
- All right, Blues. First
off, we want your flag.
- Wait wait wait, just a second.
The last time we got the flag...
the chick in the black armor showed up.
- to stay right where it is.
Keep the flag.
But, we do want our
mechanized droid guy back.
- Oh-oh.
- You may know him as Senor El Roboto.
- Well Church, what's it gonna be?
- Chingado, no way. I'm
not givin' back my body.
I just got this thing.
- And don't think you can keep his nuts,
or bolts or other
mechanical parts you have.
- Uh, uh, he's not here anymore.
- Yeah, he left. He was all like sayonara,
and then he just took off.
- That's not Spanish,
you idiot. That's French.
Let's try this.
Hey, Reds. How about a medic?
Would you take a medic as a hostage?
- A hostage? But, I'm
supposed to go over there.
- Yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.
- I don't know.
I think we can hold out for more.
- We don't have any bullets, dumbass.
- Oh right, take the medic.
The medic's a good deal.
- Hey Doc, how's the patient?
- Doin' well. He seems
very alert and responsive.
- He's talkin' about Caboose, right?
- No, I mean the toe.
How's the toe I shot?
- What, that thing?
That fell off, like, half an hour ago.
- Rest in peace, Pinky Toe.
You shall be avenged.
- Tell you what. Go
ahead and send me over.
I really don't think I
can be any more help.
- Okay, we're gonna send over our medic.
Now, what do we get?
- You? You're surrendering.
You don't get anything except
humiliation and ridicule.
- We've already got that.
What else do you have?
- What do you want?
- How about if you admit
that the Red team sucks?
- Hey, what about the...
(voices whispering)
- What if we admit that one of us sucks?
- Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?
- Okay then, we agree to the terms.
You first, and then we
send over the medic.
- Get on with it, Grif.
- (groaning) I would just like to
let everyone know that I suck.
- [Church] And?
- And that I'm a girl.
- [Church] What else?
- And I like ribbons in my hair
and I want to kiss all the boys.
- This may be the best
surrender of all time.
- Okay, is that good enough?
- Yeah.
- All right, go ahead, Doc.
(birds tweeting)
- Man, I really hope you're worth this.
- Can I ask you a question?
Do they put something in the water here?
- Water? We ran outta
water six months ago.
- No water? I mean, what do you drink?
- Uh, you know, ketchup,
uh, soy sauce, gravy,
the usual.
- I only drink the blood of my enemies,
and occasionally a strawberry yoohoo.
(bluesy music)
- So he was shot in the head...
- [Grif] Right.
- And you gave him CPR for
a bullet wound in the head.
- Exactly.
- Yeah, I think that's a
perfectly acceptable treatment.
- That's what I said.
- Oh yeah, people often overlooked
alternative methods of care,
like that Blue guy that
was shot in the foot
during the battle.
All I did was rub his
neck with some aloe vera.
He was fine.
- Yeah, I don't know about all that.
I'm just glad the Sarge is wrong.
- Grif, you're supposed to
be watchin' the prisoner,
not playin' looky loo
with him all day long.
- Come on, Sarge. He
doesn't even have a gun.
- Oh, well you two will
be great friends then.
He doesn't have a gun and
you didn't bring any ammo.
- Hey, thanks, Kiss Ass.
If I wanna take guarding tips
from the guy that lost our last prisoner,
I'll be sure to ask you.
- Oh man, that is a burn.
Dude, you just got burned,
burned, dude, burned.
- Oh shut up. Your armor's pink.
- Uh hey, guys.
I just want everybody to know
that Grif and I aren't
technically friends.
We're just talking. That's it.
Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious
that you're really unpopular and
if I'm gonna make any
progress around here at all,
I can't really be directly
associated with you.
I'm sure you understand.
It's only because no one likes you.
Stop staring at me.
(dramatic music)
- Hey Church, if your body
is the Red Team's old droid,
and droids usually fix stuff,
can't you just activate your
repair sequence and fix Sheila?
- Huh, well, yeah, it's
worth a shot, I guess.
All right, stand back. (groaning)
- Anything?
- Yeah, it's not as easy
as you think it would be.
- Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
- See what you can find.
I'll keep trying from in here. (groaning)
Oh hey!
- Found it?
- Nah, no, wait.
All I found was the time
and temperature function.
It is currently 26 degrees by the way.
- What? It's not 26 degrees
out here. That's freezing.
- Celsius, Tucker.
- Come on, dude. Celsius sucks.
Hey, I found something.
- Oh yeah? You found a button?
- No, dude, it's more like a switch.
- Well, give it a flip.
- I don't wanna flip it.
- What's the problem?
- It's in a weird place.
- Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
- You flip it.
- These arms aren't that flexible.
I can't even reach down there.
- What about Caboose?
- Oh man, he's so stupid.
I don't even know if he knows
how to operate a switch.
- Oh man.
- Tucker, come on. We'll
laugh about it later.
I'll buy you dinner.
(switch clicking)
- It won't move. It's stuck.
- Did you try wiggling it?
- No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.
- Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.
(birds tweeting)
So, you from around here, baby?
- Okay look, if you want me to do this,
you can't talk to me--
- All right, all right, I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
- I wish Tex was here.
She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
- You obviously did
not know Tex that well.
- There!
(Warthog beeping)
Anything?
- Nope, nothin'. That's kinda weird.
Do you hear somethin' beepin'?
- Are there any ideas on
what to do with the prisoner?
- Well, we have to get him away from Grif
because, yeah, you know,
it's kinda cruel and unusual
to have to talk to him.
- How about we let him
trade armor with one of us?
That would show him.
(Warthog beeping)
- Warthog online, homing beacon activated.
- Sarge, did the car just talk?
- Oh-oh. Okay, I get it.
You built a remote control
for the jeep into Lopez.
- Yep, but there's no way anyone
could have found out how to turn it on.
I hid it in a place no
one would ever look,
unless, hey, pretty in pink,
were you messin' with my robot?
- What are you askin' me for?
- So someone else controls
the jeep right now,
and the big gun attached to it?
- Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies.
Even if they figured
out how to turn it on,
they'd never know the set
o' code words to control it.
Only me and my diary know that.
(funny guitar music)
- There, you hear that?
- Is it like a screaming,
high-pitched whistling noise
followed by a series of random clicks?
- No, it's just like this
constant beep beep beep noise.
- Oh, then no, I don't hear anything.
(remote beeping)
- Wait, do you actually hear
a series of whistling noises
followed by sone random clicks?
- No, I was just trying to be helpful.
- Yeah well, you're failing.
- All I hear is that voice, you know,
telling us to kill all of our friends
before they have a chance to kill us.
Wait, you guys don't hear that?
- Oh man, I can't take this anymore.
Tucker, you're gonna have
to do somethin', man.
This beeping is going to drive me crazy.
Going to drive me crazy, drive me crazy...
(Warthog beeping)
- Drive.
- Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!
They've cracked the code.
Those darned wind talkers.
(engine rumbling)
- Whoa! Hey!
- Hey, he's takin' the jeep.
- Help! This jeep is kidnapping me!
- Now he's taunting us.
This is just embarrassing.
- Hey Sarge, new rule.
How about we just don't
take any more prisoners
'cause we seem to suck at it.
(remote beeping)
- I see a switch down
here. It's not very big.
- Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.
- Wait, stop.
- [Warthog] Stop.
- Caboose?
Do you know how to work a switch?
- Uh...
- All right. Here's a full tutorial, then.
The switch is pointed in one direction.
Just turn it around so that
it's pointed in the other direction.
- Turn around.
- [Caboose] Oops! It broke itself.
- Aw!
- [Caboose] Aw man, what now?
- That does not look good.
Nice kitty, nice kitty.
- Okay, I see two wires down here.
One's green; the other one's red.
- [Caboose] What about the blue one?
- That's your thumb, Idiot.
Come on, guys, just grab whichever one
goes to the switch and yank it out.
- I can't tell which one goes over there.
- Then just yank 'em both.
- Church, if we pick the
wrong one, you could explode.
- I don't care. Look,
just follow the red one.
(phone dialing)
- Acquire target Red.
- Uh Sarge, you, you may
want to start running now.
- Ah, fudge bombs.
- Okay, I see what's going on here.
The red one goes close to the switch,
and the green one goes,
ew, someplace else.
- Fine, just pull it.
Take out the red one.
(warthog rumbling)
- Oh, I'm pinned.
- Eliminate Red target.
(artillery rat-a-tatting)
- You're gonna kill him!
- What a way to go!
Killed by my own mechanical creations.
- Okay, we've gotta do
something here, guys.
- You're right. I got
dibs on Sarge's armor.
- Okay, Church, you ready?
I'm gonna yank the wire.
(artillery rat-a-tatting)
- Grif! If you see Lopez,
tell him I forgive him.
Tell him. He was like a son to me.
- I thought Simmons was like a son to you.
- No offense, Simmons.
Lopez and I just understood
each other better.
- Understood? He refused to speak English.
- Yeah, and he ran away
the first chance he got.
- And now, he's trying to kill you
with the remote control jeep.
- Ah, what a little rascal.
- All right, here goes nothin'.
One, two, three.
(button buzzing)
- Oh God yes, finally, some
freakin' peace and quiet.
I thought that was gonna drive me nuts.
Hey, why can't I move my legs?
(artillery rat-a-tatting)
(phone dialing)
- Techno lost.
- Wow, that was a close
one. Are you okay, Sarge?
- Ah, horse pucky, I'm fine,
although I do have to admit,
maybe a little bit disappointed.
- It's okay, sir.
I know you said a lotta
things that you didn't mean.
People say crazy stuff when they're faced
with their own mortality.
- It's not that.
I just felt like I could've taken him.
- Taken who? The machine gun?
- Oh, he was a worthy
opponent, to be sure,
but right at the end there,
he was beginnin' to
show signs of weakness,
cracks in the armor, if you will.
- What? You can't fight a machine gun.
- Yeah Sarge, I know you're tough and all,
but it is kinda hard to beat up
hundreds of armor-piercing
bullets using only your face.
- And yet, he surrendered.
- Guys, guys, it's okay.
I've seen this before.
Sarge just lived through
a very traumatic ordeal.
We all have ways of
coping with the stress.
- Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?
- Oh, I have my own system,
and it works pretty well for me.
By the way, the driver's seat of the jeep
is gonna need a thorough cleaning.
- This is great. This is just great.
Thanks a lot, Caboose.
Now, what am I supposed to do?
My lower half is damaged.
- Why don't you try walking it off?
- I can't use my legs, moron.
- Oh, I see. Have you tried running?
- This doesn't seem like that big a deal.
You hardly ever used
your legs before anyway.
I've never heard of a grown man
asking for so many piggyback rides.
- Hey, I already told
you, that was for science.
- Why don't you just try
walking on your hands?
Then, you could use
your feet for high fives
and eatin' sandwiches and,
you know, the important stuff.
- Hey Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys
having his spine pulverized into dust,
maybe you should go ahead
and back up the warthog.
- Oh right, sorry.
(Warthog banging)
- Oh, hot-buttered lug nuts.
- Ooh, jeez, I'm really sorry.
I just was in the wrong
gear. Let me just...
(warthog banging)
- Oh, jeez, there goes my last kidney.
I was savin' that one
for a special occasion.
- Third time's a charm?
- I don't think so,
Pointdexter. Outta the jeep now.
- I'm really sorry, guys.
I was only trying to help, really.
- Oh, is that all?
I, for one, was totally confused.
I thought you were savagely
trying to kill our sergeant
by ramming hin over and over
with a 6,000-pound, steel death machine.
Now that we know that
you're just trying to help,
by all means, please continue.
- Really?
- Get out.
- Get out.
- Well, just start reattaching wires.
I'll tell you when I feel something.
- What about that? Do
you feel that, Church?
- No, what are you doin'?
I don't feel anything.
- Oh, Church, ya know, I was thinkin'.
You know, when you eat ice
cream too fast sometimes,
it hurts your brain?
- Hey Caboose? Yeah, shut up.
- Uh, Church, I think that you should know
that the Reds are...
- Dammit, Caboose!
In the short time I've known you,
you've managed to call
my girlfriend a slut,
blow me up with a tank,
shoot me in the head,
and now paralyze me from the waist down.
So, I hope it's not
too much for me to ask,
just for once, if you'd
shut your freakin' mouth.
- Hey Blues, we're here to--
What the hell are you guys doing?
- Aw crap, the Reds are here.
- What? Caboose, why
didn't you say anything?
Hey, why don't you guys turn me around?
I still can't move my legs.
- What were you doing down there?
- Nothing. What are you talking about?
- We were just playing a game.
- Hey Caboose, we'll handle this.
- What in the hell is
going on at this base?
- I told you these guys were weird.
- What do you want, Red?
Get outta here or we'll
start shootin' at ya.
- Oh yeah? You care to make
that threat to my face?
- Uh, no.
- Yeah, I didn't think so, punk.
- Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, guys.
We didn't come here to fight.
We just came to give back the prisoner.
- Give him back? You can't give him back.
You took him. A deal's a deal.
- Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.
- Well, sorry, you can't
have another prisoner.
That was our last one.
- Hey dude, what is your problem?
- Didn't your mama ever
tell you it's impolite
not to look at someone when
you're talking to them?
- He's shy.
- Shut up.
Look, we don't want him back
and we don't care what you do with him.
If you don't mind, we'd appreciate
if you'd leave us alone.
We're in the middle of somethin'
kinda private over here.
- That's sad. He is shy.
- Fine, but don't come
asking for him back later.
- We won't.
- Last chance.
- Beat it, Reds.
- All right, we're goin', we're goin'.
Man, I thought our team was obnoxious,
but those guys are really rude.
- Whoa, hey hey, whoa, where
do you think you're going?
- Back to base with you guys.
They don't want me over there.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
- What?
You're not just gonna leave me out here
in the middle of nowhere, by myself?
- Yeah, that's kinda the general idea.
- No you too, right Grif, old buddy, huh?
- Sorry, it's pretty clear that
you're not very popular around here,
and if I'm gonna make any progress at all,
I can't be directly associated with you.
I'm sure you understand.
(funny guitar music)
- What's goin' on? Are they there?
Did they leave? Hey, somebody
tell me what's happening.
- I don't know. I can't
really see too clearly.
I bet I could see better
if I had that sniper rifle.
- Uh, Tucker? You night
wanna look behind you.
- Motherfucker.
- Ooh Church, Church, okay,
I see something, okay.
The two Red ones are walking away,
but the purple one is...
I think he's going to attack.
- Purple? No wait, the purple
guy's that worthless medic.
He's not gonna attack. He's a pussyfest.
- Pacifist.
- Ah, whatever, let's tie him up
and roll him through the teleporter.
- Wait a second, wait a second.
Think about this for a minute.
Why would the Reds leave
him out there by himself?
This has to be some kind of trick.
- I'll bet they've used some kind
of brainwashing technique on him.
They're probably planning to have him do
all their dirty plans,
and also the schemes.
- Caboose, that is ridiculous.
- Is it or is it so ridiculous,
it's the most ridiculously perfect idea
that you never thought of?
- No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.
- Well, just keep your eye on him.
We'll know it's a trick if he tries
to get into our base.
- Hey guys, do you think I could
come hang out at your base for a while?
- I knew it. We're all gonna
die, starting with you.
- Sorry, but we're kinda busy here.
So, go away or something.
- Normally, I wouldn't impose.
It's just that I don't know the
neighborhood too well and...
- Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody
with that innocent victim routine.
- Hey, I could help. I know
more than just medicine.
I'm trained in psychology too.
Maybe I could help you with
your problem facing people.
- Just, get outta here,
and tell your buddies, the Reds,
that their little plan failed.
(soft music)
- Just you and me hangin' out
at the base today, huh Sarge?
This is new.
I noticed you use a shotgun. That's cool.
I just use this pistol. It
works for me. (whistling)
So, you think the guys'll be back soon?
What do you think they're up to?
Do you think they stopped at the store?
I noticed we were getting
pretty low on elbow grease.
When you die, can I have your armor?
- Hey, we're back.
- Oh man, am I glad to see you guys.
Sarge would not stop talking, seriously.
- Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out
a suitable exchange?
- Uh, not exactly, sir.
You see, when we showed up,
the Blues were doing something
really weird, and then--
- Really weird. Man, they were rude.
- Hey, dumbass, I thought we agreed
I was gonna tell the story.
- Excuse me. Go ahead.
- Well you see, the Blue
guys were really weird,
and not just normal weird, really weird.
- You're not telling it right.
- Okay fine, how do you remember it?
- Well, I remember we agreed
that you're a kiss ass.
I get fuzzy on the rest of the details.
- Anyway, they didn't want
the prisoner back, sir.
- Why those cunning blue devils.
Does their treachery know no bounds?
- It wasn't a total loss, sir.
I was able to steal his wallet.
- Grif, I may just make
a respectable soldier
out of you yet.
- Really, sir?
- Hell no.
Now leave the money on my nightstand
and get back to work.
- All right, Tucker, what the hell
are we gonna do, man?
I gotta get my legs working here.
- I don't know, but I can't just keep
pulling wires down there.
I think we should call in a professional,
maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.
- Okay, great idea,
but the only two people
that can do that are
Senor El Roboto and Tex.
- Hm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.
- Yeah, dead people usually are.
- Quite frankly, Tucker, I
find your attitude offensive.
- What about that Lopez
person? Is he available?
- No, I'm in his body, remember?
- Well, why don't you just leave his body
and then Tucker and I will make him
fix you and my girlfriend?
- Girlfriend? What, you retard?
- I mean, uh, Tucker and
I will make him fix you,
and the beautiful tank
lady means nothing to me.
Then, we can get you back
in his body when he is done.
- I'm confused. That actually
seems like a good idea.
- I know.
- But, Caboose said it.
- I know.
(hand whacking)
What the hell was that for?
- I don't know. I thought
maybe I was dreaming.
So, I punched you in the
face to make sure I wasn't.
- Tucker, when you think you're dreaming,
you don't punch somebody else.
You get somebody else to pinch you.
- Dude, it doesn't matter
what kinda dream I'm having,
I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
- If you dented my forehead,
Tucker, I am gonna be pissed.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Let's try this.
I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick.
You two just watch him.
Make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?
- Yes, Church.
- Okay, Church.
- All right, here goes
nothin'. Heauegerkergerk.
- You know, I have to
hand it to you, Caboose.
You finally came up with a good idea.
- Aw thanks, man. It was nothin'.
- No no, you really contributed,
and that's what it's all about.
- You know, I just enjoy the process.
- Yeah, back in the
spirit world. All right.
Man, I forgot how good this
feels, kinda loosey goosey.
Hey, what did you guys do with my body?
- Why do you care about your body?
You can't even move your...
Oh hey look, your legs work.
- This one is mine.
(gun blasting)
- Hey Caboose, whoa, cut it out, man.
You're gonna damage my body.
Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter
and cut him off.
I'll meet you guys out there.
- There's no way I'm going
through the teleporter again.
I've still got this tingle
in the back of my...
Look, dude, I'm just goin' back
through the teleporter, okay.
- But, Church said...
- Yeah, but Church didn't think of this.
(arm whooshing)
Come on, let's go.
- All right, hold it right there, amigo.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Hey, I said hold it, not run away,
you big robot baby.
What the hell? That rock
looks just like a grenade.
Aw crap.
(grenade blasting)
- What in Sam Hill is
goin' on out there, Grif?
- Sir, I think we're under attack,
a very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.
- How many do you see?
- They're still running our way,
and another one seems to be retreating?
- Oh, we'll give 'em
all a reason to retreat.
Saddle up, Simmons.
Let's go rope up some blue steer.
- Woo hoo! All right, yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Simmons] Woo hoo!
- [Simmons] Let's go for it.
- [Sarge] All right.
- [Simmons] Let's do it.
- So, just you and me hangin'
out at the base. That's cool.
- Shut up, Rookie.
- Do you think they'll be gone long?
Me and Sarge had a great time together.
- Oh my God.
- We talked about
all kinds of stuff.
- I'm not gonna listen anymore.
- We talked about about his mother.
We talked about home decorating.
- Are you ever going to shut up?
- We shared macrame ideas.
- Jesus Christ.
- We shared recipes
for souffles.
- All right, hit it.
(upbeat music)
(Church coughing)
- What the hell?
Who tried to blow me up with a grenade,
and why am I coughing?
I don't have lungs.
- Yeehaw!
- That's my boy.
- Hey, Sarge. Hold on a sec.
Did you see something weird, Sarge?
- Yes, I did.
Once when I was a small child,
I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle
do this thing with a garden hose
that still haunts me to this--
- Whoa whoa whoa.
I meant did you see
something weird just now,
like five seconds ago.
- Oh, then no.
- What was all that
stuff about your uncle?
- I keep telling everyone he
wasn't my uncle. He wasn't.
- Do you wanna talk about it?
- Just get back in the damn jeep.
- Hold it right there, hombre.
- I told you throwin' that grenade
through the teleporter would work.
Church is gonna be so impressed.
- Then Sheila will love me again,
and this time, for who I am,
not just for my stunning good
looks, but for those too.
(speaking in foreign language)
Your soul is a cavern of lies.
- What the hell are you two talking about?
(speaking in foreign language)
(rock music)
- Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares.
We need you to fix our tank.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Man, I thought Church talked too much.
Do you think if I kick him
in the switch he'll shut up?
- Um Tucker, I think that maybe
we should be in the going
of the running now...
the fast running.
- Oh crap.
- Hold your fire there,
Simmons. This is payback time.
- Go for it, sir.
- That's right. We're just
casually strolling away.
No cause for concern.
- Running time.
- Nice and casual, moron!
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- Aim for that guy right
in the middle, Sarge.
(engine vrooming)
- Way ahead o' ya, Simmons.
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- We've got ya now ya Blue bastard.
- Hey Sarge, do you hear
a strange beeping sound?
(bomb exploding)
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- All right, not bad, robot dude.
- I knew he would save us. I knew it.
Robot people always like me.
It's because of my awesome dancing.
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- Yeah, okay man, can you
just shut up and fix our tank?
Is it just me or does this jeep
seem like really bad luck?
- Yeah, you know, now that you mention it,
it does seem like every time
we get into the damned thing,
it breaks or explodes or goes crazy
and tries to kill one of us.
- Maybe we should try exchanging it
for a few motorcycles.
No way, a big tank like the Blues have.
That thing never seems to
have any problems at all.
- All right, that's
the deal, Mister Robot.
You fix our tank. We'll let you go free.
- I thought the plan was to
trick him into fixing the tank
and then Church will
take over his body again
when he is done.
- Yeah, but you don't tell
the person you're tricking
what's going on, Caboose.
- So, if I'm the one being tricked,
then you would not tell me
what is really going on?
- Why would we trick you?
- Oh, I think you know.
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes
and let you get busy with tank fixing.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Aw crap. Hey, they got
a guy fixing their tank.
- Impossible. Our
intelligence clearly states...
- We have intelligence?
- that the only soldiers in this canyon
with mechanical training are
that dead freelancer and Lopez.
Oh wait a minute...
- Sarge, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Lopez runs away.
The jeep starts driving itself,
and suddenly, there's a
new guy on the Blue team?
- Yes, Simmons, I am.
Quite obviously, the
Blue team has constructed
some kind of diabolical,
mind control ray beam
that they used on Lopez and now,
he has to do their evil Blue bidding.
- Or, since he's a robot,
maybe they just reprogrammed him.
- Or maybe, that Blue guy
who got killed by the tank
came back as a ghost,
and now he's possessing Lopez' body.
That can also explain why Sarge went nuts
when we had the prisoner.
The Blue ghost probably possessed him too,
and the jeep going nuts was probably
just a weird set o' coincidences
while the guy learned
how to use Lopez' body.
- I think I like the ray beam idea better.
- (laughing) Yeah, Rookie.
Your idea sounds a little dumb.
- Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank,
so that I can say hello to Sheila,
and start killing everyone.
- You mean all the Reds, right?
- Of course, for starters.
- Come on. How much longer, Lopez?
- Completo.
- Thank you for activating
the M808V main battle tank.
- Sheila! You're fixed. You are fixed.
- Hello, Private Caboose.
It is good to see you again.
Thank you for repairing me.
- He didn't fix you. A robot did it.
- Don't cock block me.
- Dude, come on.
- Robot?
I wasn't aware that our squad was
outfitted with a robot.
(harp music)
- I don't like where this is going.
- Hello there. My name is Sheila,
the M808V main battle tank.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Lopez, what a nice name
for such a nice soldier.
You have such excellent motor skills.
- Um yes, well, Lopez has to go now.
He was just here to help me fix you,
and now, he has to go away.
- Dude, this is getting weird.
Church, will you take
your fuckin' body back?
- Roger that.
- No, heauegerkergerk.
- You okay in there, Church?
Church? Hey, what's going on?
Do I need to flip your switch?
What the, that wasn't me.
What the hell's goin' on here?
- Well, buenos dias, cock
bites . Guess who's back.
- Get outta my body right now, Tex.
- Your body? This isn't your body.
I stole it.
- Yeah, but I stole it first.
- I am confused.
I thought your name was Lopez,
and I thought you were a man.
This is all so strange.
I feel like my circuits
are crossed, and I like it.
- I know how to get her outta there, wink.
- Caboose, don't.
Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?
All right, Tex.
Now what's it gonna take
to get you outta there?
- Well, ever since I've been a ghost,
I've been watching you guys a lot.
- Whoa, when you say
you've been watching us,
does that mean you've been
watching us all the time?
Like, even when we're alone?
- Yes, Tucker, and you should
be very ashamed of yourself.
- It's very lonely out here.
- Anyway, I've noticed a change
in one of your guys, Caboose.
- A change? Like what?
He's finally learned the whole alphabet?
- You haven't noticed that he's become
increasingly aggressive lately?
- I have.
Started about the same
time Sheila got disabled
and you got blown up.
I tried to tell Church,
but he never listens.
- Tucker, there's a very fine line
between not listening and not caring.
I'd like to think that I walk that line
every day of my life.
- I had just finished repairing the tank
when I overheard Church's plan
to warn the Reds about me.
- I guess I'm gonna do
the only thing I can do.
I gotta warn the Reds.
- From what I can tell, the AI calculated
the odds of survival and
didn't like the results.
Once Caboose turned on
his radio to call Church,
it took its chance.
- Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.
- And that was when he
said his name was O'Malley.
So the AI that was in
you infected Caboose?
- Right, everyone's
armor has one slot for AI
and Caboose's would have been vacant.
- I think there are a few
of his non-artificial slots
that are empty too.
- And before I could
figure out what happened,
that bitch threw in a really lucky shot.
Aw crap!
(bomb exploding)
And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost.
- All right, I get it.
Caboose has your precious little AI.
So let me guess.
You're holdin' my body hostage
until I help you get your AI back, right?
- Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.
- Ladies, it has come to my attention
that we are in need of
a new robot type person.
Who here wants to volunteer?
- Are we going on a trip? I love trips.
Can we play I Spy and
the license plate game?
- Shut up, Donut.
- Please?
- Uh, sir...
- Or punch buggy or...
- Why won't this guy shut up?
- Or the alphabet with signs game...
- What exactly do you mean by volunteer?
- Quite obviously, we are without a robot
or any other type of recruit
with mechanical training or dexterity.
Therefore, the only solution is to
turn one of you into a robot
and/or freaky cyborg thing.
- Listen, what?
- Have you gone crazy?
- That is--
- what the hell?
- the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- Cool! I vote for Simmons.
- I'm told the cyborg operation
is a relatively simple procedure, really,
where the mostly useless
guts and slimy goo
of the human body are replaced with
the no doubt superior guts
and oily goo of a robot.
- I'm confused.
- If you're lucky, you may
even get a copper rectum.
- Sir, wouldn't it be
better if we didn't do that
instead of doing it?
- Good thinkin', Simmons, but no.
I like the removin' the guts thing,
so I think we stick with that.
- Yes, sir, I hate to
agree with the kiss ass,
but wouldn't it be better if we just
got command to send us another
perfectly good, brand new robot instead?
- Negative, Meat Sack.
Another new robot could be reprogrammed
by our enemies just as easily as Lopez.
We need someone we know we can trust...
- Aw, fuck me.
- or someone whose mental
capacity is so unbelievably tiny
that he could never be turned against us.
- Hey, pink suit guys.
I think it's somebody
else's turn in the barrel.
- Then again, maybe we just stick with
the trustworthy thing.
- Well Tex, that was a great story.
I especially like the part about Church
getting pantsed in high school.
- I found that part to be
entirely out o' context.
- But, I still don't get how
we're supposed to stop the AI.
- I don't remember much from
the implantation process.
I do remember that the
AI can be transmitted
from host to host by way
of the helmet radios.
Before I learned anything else,
the AI took over and we escaped.
If we can kill the AI and not give it
a place to jump, we'll beat it.
- And then, I can have my body back. Deal?
- Deal.
- All right. Tex and I
will possess Caboose then.
Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds.
Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios
so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go
once we get him outta there.
- Right.
- What?
How the hell am I gonna do that?
- I don't know. Come up with a plan.
- Come on. You know
how I feel about plans.
- You're not gonna have much time
once we get in there.
So move fast.
- Oh, I see.
You have no idea what I should
do or how I should do it,
but whatever I do, I should do it fast.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yep.
- Wow, you guys are a lot of help.
- Try shifting your paradigm.
Think outside the box.
- Hey! The box is there for a reason.
I like thinking inside of
it. I feel safe in there.
- Okay Tex, ladies first.
- Yeah, right.
You think I'm gonna leave you alone
out here with your body?
- Bitch.
- Nice try, Leonard.
- Hey Caboose.
- Huh.
- Heads up!
(dramatic music)
- No!
(dramatic music)
- Where are we?
- We're inside Caboose's mind.
Now we just have to find
O'Malley and kill him.
- Man, this is kinda weird.
- It's hard to get used to. I know.
- No, it's not that.
It's that this place is a whole lot bigger
than I thought it was gonna be.
- Caboose, are you okay, buddy?
- This place is a lot bigger
than I thought it would be.
- Okay, I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez
and figure out some way to get the Reds
to shut off their radios.
- Where should we start, Tex?
- What?
- I said, where should we start, Tex?
- Just keep your eyes, peeled.
I guarantee O'Malley
will come lookin' for us.
- Hey, Tucker, is that you?
- No, what? Are you stupid?
Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.
- What are you doing in here?
You're supposed to be out there
workin' on your part o' the plan.
- Do you have any food? I
love to eat all the food.
- What the hell? What's
the matter with you?
- This isn't really Tucker.
We're in Caboose's head.
This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker.
- Man, I am so unbelievably stupid.
- Oh that's great.
Everyone we meet in here is bound to be
as brain dead as Caboose, then.
- I would not be so sure
about that, Mr. Church.
- Great idea, sir. I
finally agree with you.
- Hey guys. We might have a problem here.
Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who,
might have thought that
one o' the cyborg parts
we needed for Simmons
surgery was a cup holder,
and somebody, not namin' any names here,
might have left it along
with their favorite
smooth jazz compilation
CD, in the warthog.
I just don't know who
would do such a thing.
- Was it you?
- Yeah, but no, (throat clearing).
I mean, no, dammit.
- Grif, you and Easy
Listenin' stroll on down,
retrieve that part from
the warthog, posthaste.
- Sir, do you think it's safe to be
outside the base right now?
For all we know, the Blues could have
already fixed their tank.
They could be advancing on us as we speak.
- Ah, corny dogs.
Even with Lopez helpin'
'em, it'll take them months
to get that tank online,
much less to get it movin' again.
- I hope your right
because if I see that tank
headed towards me, I'm
totally gonna freak out.
(dramatic music)
- Man, I sure hope they
don't totally freak out
when they see us coming.
(dramatic music)
- I see. So you're from the outside.
That's where the other is from as well.
- The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley?
Have you seen him?
- Of course, he's seen, you idiot.
Do you think Mr. Caboose would
miss something like that,
you sleazy douche bag fuck?
- I, hold on a second.
Who the hell are you?
- My name is Church,
butt-wiping ass munch.
- This guy's kind of an asshole.
- Yeah, we've met.
- And I'm Caboose's best friend,
so don't get any ideas about kissing up,
you lip-licking fuck suck.
- Okay, there's a lotta
stuff in that sentence
that I didn't like.
- Just play along, Church.
We're gonna need these guys
if we're gonna find O'Malley.
- I'm gonna go look for girls.
- Fine, whatever.
- If you want to find O'Malley,
I suggest we talk to the Reds first.
He tried to recruit them
against me early on.
- The Reds? The Reds are in here?
(bluesy guitar music)
- Well, are you sure you
left the part in there?
- Hm, think so. Wait, yes,
no, wait wait wait wait.
Mm, I think so.
- (sighing) All right,
let's retrace your steps.
You said it was the Tuesday before
Simmons and Sarge got blown up
that you were last in the warthog, right?
- Right, I know it was Tuesday
because that's the day
I wash my underwear,
and since I don't like to let my armor
touch my bare skin, on the account of
I chafe really easily,
I remember thinkin',
where can I hang out with no pants on?
- Oh God.
- Okay, well, it looks
like we're close enough.
Now, if I can just find
the brakes on this thing.
Ah, it must be this button.
- Do not touch that button.
- Oh, sorry. Hm, maybe it's this one.
- Do not touch me.
- You know, for a girl your size,
you're kinda sensitive.
- I cannot take any more of this.
- So I after I clipped my toenails,
I was gonna apply the
ointment as recommended,
but I don't know.
It just smelled really funny.
So, I decided to taste it
just to make sure it was safe.
- That's it. I'm committing suicide.
- Hey! I didn't finish
retracing my steps yet.
You don't even know what I did
about the boil on my thigh.
- Oh crap!
- Hey, you're back! So where was I?
Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting.
Whoa, whoa...
- Not now, Rookie.
There's a giant tank out there
that's about to steamroll right over us.
- What?
(engine revving)
Oh God, it's true! I'm goin' freakin' out.
I'm freakin' out!
- Please, take evasive action.
- You take evasive action.
Hey Lopez, help me out.
Can't you talk to her?
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
well, old buddy. It looks
like this is the end for us.
Since we're gonna die anyway,
there's only one thing left for us to do.
Grif...
- If you actually suggest what I think
you're about to suggest, I'll
just have to kill myself.
- Let's make a break for it.
- Whoo, in that case, let's go on three.
That's worked well for me in the past.
- Okay, you count.
- Fine, but don't look at me while I count
because I get nervous.
One, two...
(tank engine whirring)
that son of a bitch!
He beat me at my own game. Curses!
(tank ramming)
- Ay yi yi. Holy frijoles.
- Good golly, Miss Molly.
What is goin' on out there?
- Sir, the Blues are
attacking with their tank.
They blew up the warthog again.
- I wonder what jeeps
ever did to those guys.
- Grif and I just barely had enough time
to make it outta there.
Right, Grif? Uh, Grif?
- Why the hell did they
pair me up with you?
- I wanna keep my eye on you.
I don't trust gigantic turds
that try to kill my best
friend, you rim job.
- Well, this is gonna be a great trip.
- Attention Reds.
The great Caboose demands
an audience with you.
So listen up, ya blowjobbing cocksuckers.
- Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us.
- Will someone please help
me? I don't wanna die.
- I love Caboose and yet,
I'm still afraid of him.
- Argh, I be havin' a
Southern accent, you're--
- He's so scary.
- Fear not, Reds.
I come here not to destroy,
but instead to ask for your
assistance on this day.
- Okay, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...
I gotta correct a couple
things I'm hearing here.
First of all, you? You're not
Caboose's best friend, okay?
You don't have a best friend.
You know why? You don't need one.
You're Church.
Knowing other people just
waters down the experience.
Live the dream, buddy.
- Shove it, dick sniffer.
- And Caboose? Come on, dude, seriously?
Have you paid attention to
our enemies for one second?
- I beg your pardon.
- First of all, that guy,
he's not yellow. He's orange.
And since when is there
a girl on the Red team?
- My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
- Argh, I got termites in me leg.
- And that is not a Southern accent.
- Argh.
- Do you have any tampons?
- Seriously, what is the
matter with you people?
- Calm down, Church.
- Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick.
- Hey, butt brunch. I'm
Caboose's sidekick, not him.
So shut your pie hole.
(gun firing)
- Leonard! Are you okay?
- Aw please, that fudge
finger couldn't hit me.
No way, I'm gonna die. Ergh, blow me.
- There he is.
- Mwahahahaha.
- Let's go get 'em.
- All right, come on, Caboose. Let's go.
- I am sorry. Have we met?
- What? It's me, Church.
- I don't seem to have any memory of you.
My name is Michael J. Caboose.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- You have gotta be freaking kidding me.
I just hope Tucker's doin'
a better job out there
gettin' the Reds to turn off their radios.
- Goddamn it. This isn't
going very well at all.
You okay, Lopez?
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Whatever, you big show off.
How about you, Sheila? You still online?
- Affirmative.
- Okay, we should be close enough
to hack into their radio frequency.
Lopez, get inside Sheila
and do your business.
- What?
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Oh my god, remind me to hose you two off
when we get back to base.
- Well, this is a devil of a picadillo.
Simmons, get on the squawk
box and tell command...
- Red guys? Are you there?
- What in buttery goodness? Who is this?
- It's me, Tucker. I'm
one of the Blue guys.
Look, I don't have time to explain,
but I need all of you guys
to shut off your radios right now.
- Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell
before I take orders from you.
- Look, it's really important, all right?
Normally, I would just shoot at you guys
and steal your girlfriends,
but today's different.
I need you to trust me on this.
- Well, I may have spoke too soon.
That is an interesting
and well thought out,
not to mention clever and
timely, I might add, proposition.
Simmons, would you care
to deliver our rebuttal?
- (throat clearing) Suck it, Blue.
- Yeah, suck it, Blue.
Now that's what I call
an old school zinger.
In your face, Blue dude, in your face.
- (sighing) Oh man.
- Moohahahaha.
- Hurry up, Church. He's gettin' away.
- You'll never catch me.
- Come on, let's go.
(Church groaning)
- Dammit! These guys are not backing down.
Lopez, looks like we're
gonna have to go to Plan B.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(Lopez singing in foreign language)
- What in Betty's bloomers
is on the radio now?
It sounds like a feral crab
or retarded Mexican sasquatch.
- Turn it off, turn it off!
Please, God, make it stop.
- Aw man, this is cruel, cruel.
- Oh?
- All right, O'Malley. This is it.
From now on, if anybody
makes my girlfriend cranky
and psychotic, it's gonna be me.
- Aw, that's sweet.
- Shut up, bitch.
- Asshole.
- Never! The darkness
will swallow you whole.
- Forget it, O'Malley.
You're just one big headache
and I got a whole pistol full of Aspirin.
- What?
- I got half a mind to kill you...
- That's ridiculous.
- and the other half agrees.
- Church, that's just stupid.
- You're about to split...
- God, Church.
- personalities.
- Now you're just embarrassing yourself.
- Psyche!
- That's it. I've had enough.
Can't take anymore.
Everybody, switch off your radios.
- But Sarge...
- That's an order, Private.
- Sarge please...
- Don't try my patience, boy.
- Aw man.
(radios booping)
- Ah, hoo hoo hoo hoo, it worked.
Hey, turn off your radio quick.
- Nice knowing you, O'Malley,
but payback's a bitch, and so am I.
- Wait, Tex. We don't know
if Tucker's had enough time.
- There's only one way to find out.
(gun blasting)
(O'Malley groaning)
(guns blasting)
- Huh, he just disappeared.
I expected, like, his echoing laugh or,
you know, the smell of
brimstone, at least.
I don't smell any kind o' stone.
Sure that's weird, Tex? Tex?
Tex, where'd you go?
- [V.I.C.] Good evening, Dr. Dude,
doin' the radio, STAT.
I need 20 cc's of what the
hell is goin' on there, dude?
- Aw, what happened?
- Hey. You tell me, dude.
One minute we're talkin'
about a hole in the wall,
the next thing I know, you
turn into Grumps McGert.
Sounded like you needed a lozenge.
Threatened to eat my
children. Not very cool, dude.
- Geez, did I really? I'm sorry.
Something went wrong with my radio
and I heard this weird beeping, honking--
- Hey, no offense taken, dude.
Don't got any kids anyway.
- What?
- Old Vic's been through
the snip and snitch,
if you know what I mean.
- I don't wanna hear about that.
- Winky Blinky, the one-eyed
sergeant's firin' blanks.
- That's weird.
- If you get me, vaya con
dios to the vast deference.
- Yeah, all right, enough, I get you.
- I mean a vasectomy, dude.
- Look, I found something really weird
here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
- Roger that. What did you find?
- It's like a, it's like a thing.
- It's like a thing? Okay, dude.
Thank you for the update.
I'll be sure to alert the chief of staff.
- Sorry, I'm--
- Move to Def con 1.
- I'm still a little dazed.
It's a big thing. It's purple.
It's a big, purple thing.
- Use your words, dude.
- Look, I don't know.
It looks like some kinda alien artifact.
Did the aliens have, like, a
home base or something here?
- I don't know, dude.
Why don't I just consult my
extraterrestrial travel guide for ya?
Oh look, they had a great series
of alien bed and breakfasts
there, lucky you.
- Never mind. I'll just
figure it out myself.
- Nothing about big, purple things though.
Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle.
- Man, that guy's such a jerk.
The next time he talks to me like that,
I'm gonna tell him to go straight
to H-E double hockey sticks.
Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that.
That's not very nice.
If I ever meet him, I'm
taking his eyes as souvenirs.
Whoa, that was unlike me.
I must be stressed out. Time for yoga.
- How's Sheila doin'?
- I'm not gonna lie.
It's not lookin' pretty.
She may have twisted her differential,
possibly some structural damage.
This could be a disk.
- You have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
- No, not a clue.
- What about Tex? Any sign of her?
- No, no Tex.
Is it unusual for her
to disappear like that?
- When we were dating, she
would sneak off all the time,
but it was usually to
sleep with other guys
or to spend money that she
had taken outta my wallet,
and since I don't have any money and,
well, no offense to you, Tucker, but--
- You're a dick...
(Grif groaning)
- Grif, don't try to move too much.
You've been through quite the ordeal.
- Oh man, where am I?
- Hush now, sh sh sh sh sh.
It was really touch and go
there for a while, good buddy,
but I did it.
I pulled you through.
- How long was I out?
- Don't you worry.
Nurse Donut here stayed by
your side the whole time,
strokin' your hand and keepin' ya company.
- Oh, my right hand?
- Your left.
- Note to self, cut off left hand.
- Technically speaking, it's
not really your left hand.
- Say what?
- I had to replace certain body parts
that were severely damaged
when the tank ran you over,
and a few that atrophied
from a lifetime diet
of hoohoos and
bacon-flavored marshmallows.
- Wait, which body parts?
- Well, let's see, we had
to start with the shoulder,
then we moved on down to the flank...
- Huh?
- Yeah, we couldn't really
find an anatomy book,
but we did find one o' those pictures
with the cow and the
dotted lines all over it.
- [Sarge] We had to go
over to the porterhouse.
- I think it did the trick.
- [Sarge] And of course,
the brisket and the Hocks...
- Wait. Wait, where did you
get the replacement parts?
- Why, from our other subject, of course.
- Subject, my cyborg ass.
- No way.
- Yeah, I'm real happy about
this myself, numb nuts.
- Yep, those too.
- Did I get your lips?
- [Sarge Prairie oysters...
- Good thing you did.
I'll finally figure out
how to kiss Sarge's ass.
- And the ass.
- What the hell?
- [Sarge] Saucy bits.
- What didn't I get?
- We pretty much replaced
all the internal organs,
and some of the more
disgusting external ones,
except for Simmons' spleen,
which will be inflated
and used for general
recreation and esprit decor.
- This doesn't seem physically possible.
- Nonsense! Modern technology
makes anything possible.
It was as easy as Shake n Bake.
- And I helped.
- Man, Caboose, you were
asleep for a long time.
What were you dreaming about?
- Aw nothing. I do not like to dream.
I try not to think while I am sleeping.
- That's pretty much how you function
while you're awake too.
- I think (indistinct) is important.
- Well, you look okay.
Then again, that's just the armor.
How do you feel?
- Great! Who are you?
- Oh come on, not this again.
How can you seriously not remember me?
- Oh, of course, I remember
you. You're Marvin.
- I'm Church.
- I think I would remember
a name that ridiculous.
No, you are definitely Bill.
- You killed me with the tank.
- Dave!
- You insulted my girlfriend.
You called her a cow.
- Karen.
- Dude, he called her a slut.
- Phineas.
- Your whole life is
based around pleasing me.
- Wally.
- In fact, I think you're
kind of obsessed with
- Milo?
- being my best friend.
- Psst, the new guy's
pretty full of himself.
- New guy? What the...
I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy.
- I don't know. I kinda like it.
I could get used to calling you, Rookie.
- Oh yeah? Could you get used
to me beating you to death?
- Psst, what's wrong with
the rookie? He seems mad.
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- (groaning) Whup, whup!
- Donut, there's no way
you can jump that high.
- Yes, I can. (groaning)
Yes, I can.
- What the hell is he doing?
- Losing a bet.
- Aw, I almost got it that time.
Are you sweating yet, sucker?
- No. I can't sweat.
Simmons' stupid sweat glands
don't even work right.
- What? They were working
when I gave them to you.
- Please, I'm not moist in
any of the usual places.
If you want 'em back so bad, take 'em.
- (sighing) I can't.
Sarge said that sweat makes
my cyborg parts rusty.
So, I'm cooled by Freon now.
- Ah, delicious Freon. (coughing)
- Grif, are you all
right? Are my lungs okay?
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you smoking inside your helmet again?
- What? No. (exhaling)
Oops.
- Dammit! I knew this would happen.
And how many snack cakes
have you had today?
- None. Okay, five or more.
Baker's dozen at most.
- Do you even know how many
there are in a baker's dozen?
- By my count? 48.
- All right, that's it.
No more smoking, no more drinking,
and no more overeating, Chubby.
You're not gonna ruin my body parts
the same way you ruined yours.
- That's okay.
I can think of different ways to ruin 'em.
(spleen ball exploding)
- Ah, ow, ow!
Who left the spleen ball where
someone could trip on it?
I think I broke something.
Simmons, I need your ovaries.
- (sighing) I really hate this army.
- Grif, Simmons 2.0, I just
got off the horn with Command.
I'm afraid we have a situation.
- Aw, don't tell me they
canceled the holiday party again.
Those cheap bastards!
All I wanted was one night
of carefree dancing, but no.
I ask, when is it gonna
be Simmons' turn. When?
- Uh, actually, the problem is with Lopez.
- Don't tell me.
The Consular General from
Spanish-land is coming,
and without Lopez, we don't
have anyone to translate.
- There's no such thing as
Spanish-land, you retard.
- Yes, there is.
They have those water
slides and all that salsa.
- No, they don't.
- Well, I guess you would know.
- What's that supposed to mean?
For the last time, I'm Dutch Irish.
- Hey, don't let your fiery
Latin temper get out o' control.
I was just trying to make a point.
- Can it, Frankenstein.
We've got a pot on the front burner,
and it's a-boilin' over.
I've just learned that
Command had planted Lopez
with secret instructions detailing
the next phase of our operations.
Do you have any idea what this means?
- I uh, Simmons, you wanna take this one?
- Were you not listening again?
What the hell were you thinking about?
- Certainly not water slides,
I can tell you that much, or salsa.
- What it means is that
if we don't get back Lopez
before the Blues uncover our secret plans,
we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.
- Ew, get, that's gross.
- I'm talkin' about bein' lost in a forest
of filth without a compass,
swimmin' in a river of
sick with no floaties on,
drivin' blind into the tunnel--
- Sir, I think we get the picture,
the very very disturbing picture.
- You sure? I could go on.
- I'm sure you could, but no, really.
- Just one more.
- Stop.
- Come on, they're fun.
- Man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending
a lotta time together.
- I don't think it. He's not
good enough for my Sheila.
- But, they seem happy together.
- He is a bad influence, and
he is taking advantage of her
because she is young
and naive, and delicate.
- Delicate? She weighs
like 200 tons, dude.
- She is a precious flower.
- Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor.
This might sound strange,
but I think Caboose is getting kind of
jealous of your relationship.
- Sheila!
Come back to me!
I made you happy!
- Anyway, could you just try to keep
a lower profile or something?
We don't wanna have some weird,
horribly disgusting love triangle.
- Tucker, I have been speaking with Lopez
and we feel that the machines have been
treated unfairly in this canyon.
- What are you talking about?
- On a regular basis, we
are either being blown up,
possessed by spirits or
just left out to rot.
- Huh?
- We have decided that,
until conditions improve,
we are not going to help
you in your battles.
- You're kidding, right?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?
- It's very simple.
We'll use a flea-flicker maneuver with
a running gun two-by-two approach.
Tactical ops will be, aw
hell, who am I kiddin'?
Grif, Donut, just go stand
in the way o' their bullets
while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak
around back to grab Lopez.
- Sounds like a plan.
- No, it doesn't.
How about this time we try something
that doesn't involve me
being shot at or run over?
- Would electrified be okay?
- No!
- Well, I'm out of ideas.
- Look, instead of just running straight
into enemy gunfire like we usually do,
why don't we try some
reconnaissance this time?
- You mean like spy
stuff? That would be cool.
I could wear a spy tuxedo...
- [Sarge] No.
- with a hidden spy camera...
- [Sarge] No.
- inside a tiny spy bow tie.
- [Grif] No.
- Or I could wear a flower on my lapel.
- [Sarge] I said no!
- that sprays water in people's faces.
- Shut up, Donut.
- No, secret spy liquid, that
would be awesome. (laughing)
- No!
- Maybe.
Uh, I mean, no.
- Aw come on. I could be double-O-Donut.
- You mean like Doonut?
- A license to thrill, or be thrilled.
- All right, since you're
both so into the idea,
Grif, Donut, you're on recon.
Find us a way to break into their base
and report back on the double.
- Great, more time alone with the idiot.
- Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif,
let's pretend we're wearing
super spy jet packs.
(Grif groaning)
No no no no, like this.
Bwooshhh, bwooshhh...
- Hey, can you not stop
that for two seconds?
- Come on, Agent. (throat clearing)
Come on, Agent Grif.
We've got to hurry if we
want to save the princess
from the evil goblin.
- What princess?
I thought you were pretending
to be in a spy movie.
- Look, my secret spy
character gets to marry
a beautiful princess
in a castle, all right?
Deal with it.
- Donut, can you just go find some
higher ground or something?
- But, we're on higher ground now.
- Why don't you use your jet pack
to go to the highest ground?
- Good idea. I bet the
Blues won't think o' that.
- No, if they were that stupid,
we probably would have won by now.
- Secret Agent Donut to
the rescue. Bwoosh...
- I could just shoot him.
No one would ever have to know, no one.
- Hey Church, we might have a problem.
- Is this a new problem, or did Caboose
get his head stuck in the freezer again?
- New one, Sheila and
Lopez are now considering
leaving to form their own robot army.
They said no one would dare oppose them.
- What? Did you try to talk 'em out of it?
- No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them.
- Aw man, well, we gotta
find a way to separate 'em.
Maybe it's time to get rid o' Lopez.
- But, without Lopez, you
wouldn't have a body to use.
Why don't you just possess
him like you normally do?
- I would, but it's gettin'
harder to do it each time.
I think he's learned to fight it somehow.
- You know, I really think we should try
a non-violent approach to resolve this.
I agree, except replace the
word non with extremely,
and after the word
violent, include the phrase
blood explosion extraordinaire. (laughing)
- Hey, what's goin' on in there?
- We can't do this.
They're gonna find out.
They'll find out about us,
the machine, everything.
- What the? Those voices sound suspicious.
- I will rip out their guts
and feast on their entrails.
But, I'm a vegetarian. (laughing)
- Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget,
but where's the guy he's talking to?
- Look, we can't just sabotage
their equipment. That's rude.
- Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
- I will devour their hearts
and crap out their souls.
- That sounds even worse.
- They will all taste oblivion,
which tastes just like Red
Bull, which is disgusting.
- Whoa.
- All will perish. (laughing)
- All? Wait, that includes me.
Aw man, I gotta go tell the guys.
- Hello, who's there? Please help me.
I'm scared of myself. (laughing)
- Gotta get back to base, back to base.
Oh man, there it is.
Guys, hey guys! Where is everybody?
I saw something really
weird in that cave that...
Hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank?
Wait a minute, this looks like the store,
except Sarge told me there is no store.
Oh no.
- Oh yeah.
- Oh crap. I knew I shoulda just shot him.
- So, they sent a female
assassin to try and kill us.
Clever, but it won't work.
We're immune to your feminine wiles,
unless you wanna date one of us.
- Female? I'm not a girl.
- Tease.
- I just have light red armor.
- How is that pink armor
anyway? Looks comfortable.
- At first, I really hated it,
but it's kinda grown on me.
My old armor used to chafe
my thighs somethin' awful,
but the crotch in this pink
one is surprisingly roomy.
- Silence, woman.
- Good Buddha's Noodle, how
could this have happened?
- It's okay, sir. It was a strong plan.
Grif's just a dumbass.
- Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.
- Settle down, ladies.
We need a new stratagem
and we need it fast.
- Donut's sure to crack under the pressure
and reveal everything.
- Everything like what?
Where we keep his tampons?
- You're right about that, Simmons.
The boy doesn't even see
the entertainment value
in being tortured, all these kids today.
- How's it going, Tucker?
We get any useful information
outta the prisoner yet?
- I figured he was here
to steal back Lopez,
but he won't give us anything,
except a list of crock pot recipes.
Would that be useful?
- Do we have a crock pot?
- No, Caboose made a trade with that
annoying guy from Blue Command.
He swapped it for a mystery box.
- What was in the mystery box?
- 140 jars of mayonnaise.
- Well, that's a good trade.
- Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen.
- How did you? Nevermind.
Listen, I think I came up with a plan
for how we can use Lopez
and our new prisoner
to get an upper hand on the Reds.
(birds tweeting)
The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
- Dammit! I knew there would be a catch.
- But, okay, okay, your turn.
Truth or dare.
- Hm, truth.
- Okay, tell me all of
the Red secret plans.
- Aw, you tricked me.
You Blue guys are so smart.
Okay, now listen closely.
Our biggest secret is, hertegerkagerk.
- Caboose! It's me, Church.
I possessed this guy so we can, whoo, hey.
This pink armor's kinda
comfortable, roomy.
What were you two guys talkin' about?
- Oh, nothing.
- You wanna braid each other's hair?
(quirky guitar strumming)
- Hello, Inferior Red Squad.
We would like to talk to you about...
- A sneak attack!
- Shut up, you idiot.
We're not here to fight.
We're here to negotiate.
- A sneak negotiation.
- What the? Donut, what is this?
- I think he's talkin' to you.
- We, I mean they would like to negotiate
a surrender to us, no to them, no wait,
no, that's right, to us.
- Oh, smooth, dude.
- What's this business?
The boys are givin' up?
I smell a trap or a rat
or a rat and a trap.
Don't accept it, Simmons.
- You can't surrender, Blues.
We haven't attacked you.
Now go home and wait for us to attack,
and then you can surrender.
- Wait, if we accept, that means
we would have two surrenders
and they would have none.
That means we win.
- Win what?
- I don't know, the war
or something, right?
- You're an idiot.
- In exchange for not killing us,
they, them, we, they would like to
release the robot guy and me,
the pink guy.
- Are you becoming retarded?
- What should we do, sir?
- I'm torn between my intense
distrust of the Blue team
and the need for the plans stored
in my favorite robotic creation.
No offense, Simmons.
- None taken, sir.
You removed the negative
emotional center of my brain
and implanted it in Grif.
- (crying) I can't, I
just can't take this.
We're all gonna die. (crying)
- I don't think they're goin' for it.
(gun blasting)
- Oh, motherfucker.
- Okay, now you're under attack.
Go ahead and surrender, bitch.
- Nice thinkin', Son.
- The humanity.
- All right, they surrender.
- Fuck that, I'm pissed. Let's fight.
- Now that you have been
thoroughly humiliated
by our superior military strategy,
we demand the return of our
robot and our pink private.
- Okay, but there's one catch.
- What in shinola...
- Sarge, they want you to build
two robots for their team,
one for each prisoner
that they're releasing.
- Hey, that wasn't part o' the deal.
- Why exactly are we
negotiating with Donut?
- Church, why do we need two robots?
- You know, one for me
and one for (mumbling).
- Oh man, don't tell me
you're doing this for Tex.
You're still in love with her, aren't you?
- Get off my back, man.
Most dead chicks aren't exactly lining up
to haunt this dirt hole.
Besides, if I don't get her a body,
she's gonna steal mine anyway.
- Yeah, good point, bitch.
- All right, you Blue scum suckers.
What robot models did you have in mind?
- I guess, make 'em just like Lopez
except, you know, just the
shells, no intelligence.
- These new robots sound much nicer.
- That's because they sound like you.
- Oh, and not Spanish,
and a bigger switch.
- Okay, we got a deal.
Meet us in the center of the canyon
at 0-600 and we'll make the exchange.
- Deal!
- Okay, I gotta hurry back
before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything.
Make sure this pink guy
doesn't run away when I leave.
I mean it. I'll meet you
guys back at the base.
Heauegageez.
- What the? Where am I?
- We were just talking to your friends,
but you are going to stay
with us now for a while.
- Are we gonna have a sleepover,
because that would be sweet?
- You're a nice lady.
(bluesy music)
- All right guys, I, Sheila? Lopez?
What the, why do people keep leaving?
- Oh, Blue team?
Before ya go, maybe we should
talk about optional equipment
on your new robots.
- What optional equipment?
- All you said you wanted was a body.
We didn't talk about features.
- Like what?
- You know, undercoating,
extended warranty, features, man.
Come on, like, do you want them
to be able to use both arms at once?
- Of course.
- Asynchronous arm movement is optional.
- What? Aw man, I told Church
they would try to screw us.
What about the feet?
- [Sarge] Did you want feet?
- Yeah, we want feet.
- Sorry, feet are optional.
- What's on the bottom of its legs?
- [Sarge] Legs are optional.
- Aw man, what a rip off!
- [Sarge] Options are optional.
- What isn't optional?
- You look like a nice guy.
Don't worry. We'll work somethin' out.
Have you thought about financing?
How's your credit?
I can offer you a free set o'
high quality mudflaps and a lube job.
You won't be disappointed.
I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic.
- So Sheila and Lopez were just
gone when you got back here.
- Yep, they even left a note.
Says they've gone off to
start their own robot army.
That's great.
- Didn't they have a non-compete clause?
- Also says they want us to
meet them in the middle
of the canyon at 0-600
to discuss the terms of our
defeat and/or surrender.
0-600, what does that mean?
- Isn't that when we're supposed to be
surrendering to the Reds?
- That means 6 o'clock,
right, or does it mean...
0-600, does 600 mean minutes?
600 minutes, 'cause that'd
be, that's be 10 o'clock.
Is it 6 o'clock or is it 10 o'clock?
- Man, we should really get
a day planner or something
'cause this shit's just
getting ridiculous.
(bluesy guitar strumming)
- How's it going, sir?
- Great, with these new
color-coded instructions,
building robots has never been easier.
Now, the thousands of mistakes I've made
on my previous efforts
seem laughably obvious,
except for you, Simmons.
No mistakes there.
- Yeah, I didn't think so, sir.
You're great at this, even
without any formal training
or first party certification.
(gun blasting)
- Son, did you just shoot
yourself in the foot?
- Yeah, I do that now sometimes.
I'm not really sure why.
- I'm sure it's user error.
- Hey guys, it's almost time.
Are the robots ready yet?
- Just puttin' on the finishin' touches.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
Francisco Montague Zanzibar, and this one
over here is Robot Number Two.
- Why didn't this one get a fancy name?
- Let's just say somebody has
an overclocked, sass-back chip,
and rejected all the names I came up with.
(spacey music)
But that's okay, I can even
use it to my advantage.
I made some special
modifications on Numero Dos.
Check it out.
Robot Number Two, codeword dirt bag.
(arms smacking)
- Ow! Hey!
- (laughing) Pretty nifty, huh?
- That's awesome, sir.
Let me try, let me try.
Codeword, dirt bag.
(arm smacking)
- Ow!
Okay, fine, two can play at this game.
Codeword, dirt bag.
(arm smacking)
Ah, son of a bitch.
- But, that's not the
only special feature.
- What do you mean, sir?
- Well, I don't wanna give anything away,
but let's just say, for instance,
that one of the robots
contains a hidden microphone
that will allow us to
eavesdrop on the Blues
whenever we want, and let's
just suppose, shall we,
that the other robot contains
a 10 megaton bomb. (laughing)
Oh, I guess I kinda gave it away.
- Yeah, you kinda did.
- I think this is what they
call the calm before the storm.
- I call it nap time, which
is right before food time,
and then comes, food nap time.
That is my favorite time of them all.
- Mr. Caboose, I just want you to know
that even though we are on different teams
and we may never see each other again,
whatever happens out there today,
I'll always remember the
moments we shared together.
You are now and forever will be my friend.
- Private Donut, that
sounds like private biscuit.
- Yeah, it does.
(warm guitar music)
- Do you think they'll show up?
- Well, my gut says no, but then again,
my gut's made of an advanced polymer,
and it doesn't know what
the hell it's talkin' about.
Stupid gut.
- Great Caesar's toast, looks like
they brought out the heavy artillery.
(engine vrooming)
(Lopez speaking foreign language)
- That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
- Ah, they're lining up
in flanking formation,
those Blue jackals.
Keep your eyes peeled, fellas.
This could get ugly.
- Are you there, Church?
Church, are you there, Church?
- Hey man, I've been trying to get you
on the radio for 10 minutes.
What's goin' on?
- Sorry, man, I'm still picking up
the Reds transmissions from when
we broadcast that Lopez song.
There's a lotta chatter.
- Well, are you at least
getting any useful information?
- Nah, it's just the same two guys
bickering like an old married couple.
I've only been listening
for, like, five minutes,
and I can already tell
they're really in love.
Why can't they see it?
- All right, get ready to launch
Operation Circle of Confusion.
- Uh Church, it kinda looks more
like a triangle from down here.
- What?
- I'm just saying it doesn't
look much like a circle.
It looks more like we're
forming a triangle.
Just a side note.
- Okay, fine, Triangle of Confusion,
Rhombus of Terror, Parabola
of Mystery, who cares?
Get the goddamn show on the road.
- All right, all right, sorry.
Initiating primary commencement phase.
- What are they talkin' about?
- Quiet, Commander Poppin Fresh.
I think they're talking about
your golden, flaky crust.
- Hello everyone. We're here to surrender.
At this time, we would like to ask
for one representative/prisoner
from each group to cross sides.
- Hey! I think I see Lopez over there.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Yeah, it's time.
- [Sheila] Tell 'em, Big Daddy.
- Okay, get going, Pinky.
- Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Buns.
I will always remember
your buttery goodness.
- Who was that guy?
- Look! They're releasing Donut.
- Go on, Francis X, front and center.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Um Church, do you
think maybe in hindsight,
it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez
around a bunch of robots?
- Just stick to the plan, Tucker.
Get the first robot over there.
I'll draw Lopez's fire. Come on.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- What the, it's a double cross.
Donut, Frankie, hey. Get back here.
- No, stay where you are. Do not go back.
- Now the Blues are aiming at each other?
What the hell's going on?
- We've been out-maneuvered,
men. Take cover.
I'm callin' in an airstrike.
(radio booping)
- What the hell is that noise?
- Red Command, come in.
This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Do you read me?
- Hello, hello, who's there? Come in.
Is that you, Private Tucker? Hello.
- Private who? No, V.I.C, this is Sarge
from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
- Oh, hey there, Sarge. Long time no see.
Sorry about that.
I, anyway, what can we do here
for ya at Red Command today?
- I'm up to mu haunches
in hyenas here, V.I.C..
I need an airstrike and
I need it on the pronto.
- Can do, Sarge,
I will send an airstrike to target
the blue forces now.
Of course, I'll need you to fax in
the airstrike requisition form.
- But, I can't!
I had to use spare parts
from our fax machine
to build Simmons 2.0.
(fax machine whistling)
- Whoa, excuse me.
Man, it musta been something I ate.
- Hey, Simmons?
Why is there paper coming out of your ass?
- What the hell, V.I.C.?
How do you know the Red team?
Why are you helping
them against the Blues?
What the fuck is going on here?
- Private Tucker, you're on here too.
Um, see I, you guys are, I
gotta go, bad connection.
- Wait! V.I.C.!
Red Command, come in! I need you.
- Well, that's not gonna
be very good for business.
- Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck.
Get ready to open fire.
Today is a good day to die.
- Wait, I think today is actually
a good day to retreat.
Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
- Yeah, let's all take dying
as an open action item,
and come back with
suggestions next meeting.
- No, it has to be today
for our ancestors. Yeah!
- Wait everyone! Stop fighting!
It's all a lie! Let him through.
Blue and Red's all the same.
(dramatic music)
(voices chattering)
- Agagagaga...
- Tucker, your radio has too
much feedback. Shut it off.
- Yeah!
- This is fun.
(voices yelling)
- Oh dammit!
- Wait, Sarge. I can't hear
what that guy's yelling.
- Lock and load.
- I love blood and violence.
- Stop fighting! Stop fighting!
- I've got a boner for murder.
- What did you say, Blue?
- Heugegerkagerk.
- Kaboom!
- I said there's no Red versus Blue.
It's all a...
(artillery blasting)
(Tucker screaming)
Son of a bitch!
- What the hell is that?
- What the hell is that?
(speaking in foreign language)
- Oh my god. It's the cave devil.
Run for your lives.
(artillery blasting)
- Oops, sorry about that big explosion.
- Sorry, it wasn't bigger. (laughing)
- Wait a minute. I'd
know that laugh anywhere.
That's O'Malley.
(artillery blasting)
- My bad. (laughing)
- Come on, Robots. You're with me.
- Sheila, (speaking in foreign language)
- My pleasure.
(artillery blasting)
(guns firing)
- Grif, if we're going to die,
I'm glad we get these last
few moments to make amends.
God, my only hope is
that I die before you,
so that I don't live through the horror
of losing a man on the battlefield.
- Yeah, I hope you die first too, Sarge.
- Tucker, Tucker, are you okay?
- Church, the purple guy, he's--
- Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley.
He musta got in the medic somehow.
- No, he's an asshole.
- [Sheila] Lopez, no!
- Church, how come Tucker gets to
nap during battles and I don't?
(O'Malley laughing)
- Help! He took Lopez.
- What? Where'd he go?
(O'Malley laughing)
- Here I am, you fools.
- How'd he get up there so quick?
- That guy's wicked fast.
- Thanks, I lettered in
track in high school.
It was the least directly
competitive sport I could find.
- Track sucks.
- You suck, and now, I make my escape
with my metallic hostage,
never to be seen again,
unless I want to be seen, in which case,
if I see you before you see me, look out.
The universe will be mine! (laughing)
- Lopez! No!
- Move it, brown bot, into the abyss.
- Everyone, hold your
fire. We're comin' out.
Truce. Time out.
- Would someone explain
what just happened here?
That evil guy on the
scooter shot one of our guys
and then ran off with Lopez.
- But, we need Lopez for
very specific reasons
that we don't have to explain to you.
We have to get him back.
- Yeah, and we need to
get the evil guy back.
He's the only one around here
that can heal Tucker.
- So now, we're forced to
work together. How ironic.
No, that's not ironic.
Ironic would be if we had to
work together to hurt each other.
- No, ironic would be,
instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez,
Lopez kidnapped him.
- I think it would be ironic
if our guns didn't shoot bullets,
but instead, squirted a healing salve
that cured all wounds.
- I think it would ironic
if everyone was made of iron.
- Okay, we all agree that
while the current situation
is not totally ironic,
the fact that we now have
to work together is odd
in an unexpected way that
defies our normal circumstances.
Is everybody happy with that?
- Yes.
- And I just finished
reprogramming our teleporter
to take us directly to Lopez
and O'Malley's coordinates.
- We'll leave one member of each team
so that no one can trick anyone
and take over the canyon.
Our man will be Donut.
- We will leave Corporal Croissandwich.
- Caboose, and we will leave Sheila.
- Yeah, thanks, Guys because, you know,
if this is a trick, I'm sure I can
hold her off on my own.
- All right, we're gonna
do this one at a time then.
You first, Sarge.
- Today seems like a good
day to teleport. Geronimo!
- (indistinct)
- Hm...
- What's wrong?
- I just had a really weird feeling
that I'm never gonna see this place again.
- And that's a bad thing?
- Oh, I didn't say weird
bad. I just said weird.
- All right, it's Grif, right?
You and me'll go through together. Ready?
- After you.
- Ha, I wonder if I shoulda told the guys
that thing I heard
O'Malley say about sabotage
when I was in the cave.
Oh well.
Uh, hi.
- Stop staring at my treads, buddy.
- Geez, sorry.
(wind whooshing)
- All right, you sons o' bitches.
I'm back, and I've got some...
Hey, hey, where'd everybody go?
Do I know you? Hey, you're
the girl who killed me.
- Uh-oh.
(water rushing)
- Prepare to surrender, dirt bag.
- Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.
- Not you, moron.
Wait a minute. Where are we?
- Guys? Oh guys?
Where is everybody?
- All right, now let's just
find, where is everybody?
- Whoa, where are we? What is this place?
- Freeze! Drop your weapon!
- Uh-oh.
- I said freeze, dirt bag!
- Ow! Aw come on.
(bluesy music)
♪ Gun metal green ♪
♪ Prettiest that I've seen ♪
♪ I've nothin' to hide ♪
♪ And you've nothin' to hide ♪
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
♪ Steady and surreal ♪
♪ In a world of lost and found ♪
♪ Took out the trash ♪
♪ Paid my bills all in cash ♪
♪ Nothin' to hide ♪
♪ And it's summer outside ♪
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
♪ Steady and surreal ♪
♪ In a world of lost and found ♪
♪ Trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Though you'll keep us safe and sound ♪
♪ Sound ♪
♪ Throw me the key ♪
♪ We were already free ♪
♪ Cruisin' along ♪
♪ To a Mexican song ♪
- Hey dude, hate to
interrupt all the reading
and listenin' to the rockin' music,
but uh, movie's over, dude.
That's pretty much it.
Not much else gonna happen now.
So just, you know, turn it off.
Go enjoy the rest o' your day.
Now is the time for all
good children to cross over.
Go into the light, Carol Ann.
Thank you very much.
(bluesy music)
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
(bluesy music)
♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪
♪ One day we'll cruise
down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪
♪ It's red versus red,
then blue versus blue ♪
♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪
♪ Violets are blue and roses are red ♪
♪ Livin' like this we were already dead ♪
(gritty blues music)
♪ Hop in my car ♪
♪ It don't have any doors ♪
♪ It's built like a cat ♪
♪ It lands on all fours ♪
♪ My car's like a puma ♪
♪ It drives on all fours ♪
(bluesy music intensifying)
- [Dufresne] Come in,
Blue Command, come in.
This is Medical Officer, Dufresne.
I have reached Blood Gulch
Outpost Alpha. Do you read?
(radio hissing)
(radio chattering)
Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.
(radio chattering)
Blue Command, please
boost your transmission
to match communication
protocol, Echo Bravo...
- [V.I.C.] Yo, I hear ya, calm down, dude.
What's goin' on?
Hello, y'all, can ya hear me? Hello.
- Uh, roger that, command.
- [V.I.C.] Sorry about that.
I was in the elevator.
This thing doesn't work so well in there.
What's goin' on, dude?
- Roger that. Is this Blue Command?
- Oh yeah, man, sure, totally.
What's goin' on?
- You're sure? The Blue Command base?
- Hey dude. Take it easy.
You called me. I didn't call you.
- No, I know. It's just--
(radio hissing)
- It's just what, dude?
- Never mind.
I'm just letting you
know that I've reached
the Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
I'm gonna make contact with
the Blue squad members.
- Blood Gulch, huh? All
right, let me look here.
Let me see what it says.
Blood Gulch, Blood, Blood, B-L, blah,
here we go, Blood Gulch.
Okay, it says here, you wanna make contact
with Private Tucker.
Ask 'em about their wounded dude.
- Roger that. Any other orders?
- Anything else, okay yeah.
It says here, whatever
you do, don't, oh...
Okay, never mind, dude.
I'm not supposed to
read ya that part, okay.
Just, you'll be okay. Just
be very careful, that's all.
- Great.
- All right then, well, it's
our goal here at Blue Base
to provide excellent customer service,
and I hope that I've done that today.
If you have any further questions
about this radio transmission,
you can just, you know, call back.
Say, dude, I got some
questions. What's goin' on?
Over and out.
- Okay. Private Tucker.
(birds tweeting)
- Hey Church, we have a problem.
- I am not your mother.
So, don't come tattling to me
every time one o' you does something
that the other one doesn't like.
- I'm telling you he's crazy.
He keeps threatening me and
talking in a scary voice.
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten
to cut off my head and give it
to Church as a birthday present?
- You know, I think you're taking my words
a little out of context.
- What? What context?
- Listen guys, this competition thing
has got to stop, okay?
I thought we established by now--
- Excuse me.
- Hey pal, one second, okay?
I'm in the middle of somethin' here.
I thought we'd established by now,
I don't like either of you, okay?
So, competing for my attention
is not gonna do ya any good.
- Excuse me.
- Okay, yes. Hello, who are you?
- Don't ever be alone.
- He is doing that thing again.
- My name's Dufresne.
Are you Private Tucker?
- No, I'm not Private Tucker.
My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.
Yo, and our friend over
there in regulation blue?
That's Caboose or O'Malley or
whatever the hell he's callin' himself.
- Why did you introduce me second?
- Because he hates you.
- I received your call for a medic.
- Medic? That was, like, three months ago.
- Yeah, what'd you do?
Crawl all the way here?
- I came as quickly as I could.
Where's the patient?
- Well, she's about 50 yards behind you
and six feet straight down.
- Oh, I'm sorry about your loss.
- What? Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, man.
It was tough, but well,
what are you gonna do?
- We didn't like her very much.
(whispering) She was mean to other people.
- Who's in the other grave?
- That's, uh, that's
me. I'm in that grave.
- Uh huh, of course.
- See, uh, he got killed by
this crazy runaway tank...
- Or by the idiot driving it.
- Oh yeah, and then he
became this really mean ghost
and took over a Mexican robot's body.
Oh, and then we had to, that's right,
spray paint him to make him blue,
and now he is alive again and
he is a bionic man, who is blue.
- Right, it took us six weeks
to get his Spanish setting turned off.
(speaking in Spanish)
- (sighing) I'll go get
the Spanish dictionary.
- Wait, so, no one here is hurt?
- No, we're fine. In fact,
I feel better than ever.
See now, whenever these two idiots
really start to bug me,
I can always just turn my ears off.
I couldn't do that before.
- You said they were shorting out.
- I'm sorry, what was that Caboose?
I can't hear you.
- Well then, let me just check you two out
and I'll be on my way.
- Whoa, check us out?
Is this gonna be one o' those things
where I have to turn my head and cough?
- No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.
- I bet I have better vitals than you.
What's a vital?
- On your way? I don't think so, bud.
Aren't you here to join our squad?
- No, I'm just here to help out with Tex,
and then assist in the canyon as needed.
- First of all, great
job on the Tex thing.
Mission accomplished.
Secondly, the way that
we need you to assist
is to help us kill all the reds.
- Well, even if my
orders didn't prohibit me
from doing that, I still wouldn't.
I joined the army as a
conscientious objector.
- A conscious who?
- I'm a pacifist.
- You're a thing that babies suck on?
- No, dude, that's a pedophile.
- Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
- Oh yeah, right.
Man, I was totally thinkin'
about somethin' else.
- That's real classy, Tucker.
(scanner humming)
- Well, everyone here checks out.
I'll come back and check on
you before I leave the canyon.
Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?
- Why? You said you
weren't gonna fight 'em.
- I'm not. Resources are low.
So, I'm on loan to both armies
to help whichever side
needs me at the time.
- Man, that is so freakin' lame.
- I'm just gonna go to Red Base
and see if they need any help.
- Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base,
I'd recommend puttin' away
that little medical thingee o' yours.
They see you walkin'
up carryin' that thing,
they're gonna shoot it
right outta your hand.
(gun blasting)
Yeah, just like that.
(gun blasting)
Scatter!
(gun blasting)
- Nice shot, Cupcake.
- Thanks, Sarge.
(machine gun rat-a-tatting)
Oh, that's right. Suck it, Blue.
- Yeah, sneak attack.
- Sit down, you dumbass. I can't see.
- Hike up your knickers, fellas.
Let's go get 'em.
- Okay Tucker, I need you to get up there,
help Caboose shore up the defense,
establish a suppressing fire
and hold that position
until further notice.
- I didn't even know
what half of that meant.
- Just go over to Caboose's rock
and fire your gun a bunch.
- That rock?
- Yeah, I don't think so.
We do not have time to discuss this.
- Sure, no time for you to discuss it.
You get to hang out here with Nancy Noble
shootin' the breeze.
Meanwhile, I'm out there runnin' around
eatin' a machine gun sandwich.
- Tucker, we're gonna
give you covering fire.
- Covering fire?
Unless that means you're going to build
a huge, bullet-proof
wall between me and them,
I think you need to
come up with a new plan,
preferably one that involves me
keeping the same quantity of
blood that I have right now.
- No problem. Oh wait, wait.
Does the blood have to be in your body?
(machine guns rat-a-tatting)
- Simmons, I can't feel my hands.
- Maybe you should lay off
the trigger, you dumbass.
- All right you, Doc, get
over there and help Caboose.
- My name isn't Doc. It's Frank.
- Yeah, I can't pronounce that.
So from now on, your name is Doc.
- I'm not really comfortable with that.
I'm not a doctor. I'm a medic.
- What's the difference?
- Well, a doctor cures people.
The medic just makes them more
comfortable while they die.
- Mental note, don't ever get shot.
It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.
- All right, but I
don't think it'll stick.
(brash organ music)
- Oh trust us. It'll stick.
Now, get over to Caboose,
and help him hold that position.
- I don't have a gun. I'm a pacifist.
- Well then, just get over
there, and yell bang bang bang.
- Ah, I don't know. Even that
sounds pretty aggressive.
- Oh, come on.
- Besides, I'm not
supposed to get involved
unless someone gets hurt.
- Huh, I see.
(gun blasting)
- [Caboose] Ow!
- Well, looks like
Caboose has hurt himself.
Maybe you should get over
there and help him, Doc.
- You know, you coulda just asked nicely.
- Aw crap, I'm out. Gimme
some ammunition, Grif.
- Me? I don't have any extra.
I'm down to one bullet.
- What? How can that be?
You're the one who carries
all the extra rounds in a battle.
- Wait, since when?
- Since the last staff meeting.
- We actually talk about
stuff in those things?
I just fall asleep inside my helmet.
- Well, you missed your job assignment,
and now we have no ammo.
- What's your job?
- Me? I'm the social chairman.
- Grif, me and Trigger
and Donut are empty.
We need some clips.
- Hey Grif, you remember that
one bullet you have left?
I thought of the perfect
way you can use it.
- I'm here, Caboose. Where are you hit?
- Ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!
- The left foot?
- Uh, left, let's see, that
makes an L with your thumb.
- I'm just gonna assume
it's the bleeding one.
- Yeah, the red one.
I can't believe Church shot me.
- [Church] Oh, don't even start, Caboose.
- Anything else?
- Uh, what?
- You have a bullet wound in the foot.
Is anything else wrong?
- Uh, oh, I got one.
Sometimes when I fall asleep at night,
I think about my parents having sex
and I get really really
mad, for some reason.
- Okay, I'm just gonna
start with the foot.
- Okay.
- Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?
- I don't know. Maybe they're outta ammo.
- [Sarge] Hey, Blues!
We are givin' you a chance to surrender.
- Surrender?
- No way this bluff is gonna work.
- Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie.
There's positively no way
they know we're outta ammo.
- Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo.
What are your terms?
- Their what?
- Our what?
- I can't believe this
is actually working.
See if you can get Lopez back, Sarge.
- Oh yeah, 'cause then
he can fix the Warthog.
- Oh oh, Sarge, tell
them we want the flag.
- Yeah, and some cake.
- Oh, wait a minute, Sarge, just the cake.
- All right, Blues. First
off, we want your flag.
- Wait wait wait, just a second.
The last time we got the flag...
the chick in the black armor showed up.
- to stay right where it is.
Keep the flag.
But, we do want our
mechanized droid guy back.
- Oh-oh.
- You may know him as Senor El Roboto.
- Well Church, what's it gonna be?
- Chingado, no way. I'm
not givin' back my body.
I just got this thing.
- And don't think you can keep his nuts,
or bolts or other
mechanical parts you have.
- Uh, uh, he's not here anymore.
- Yeah, he left. He was all like sayonara,
and then he just took off.
- That's not Spanish,
you idiot. That's French.
Let's try this.
Hey, Reds. How about a medic?
Would you take a medic as a hostage?
- A hostage? But, I'm
supposed to go over there.
- Yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.
- I don't know.
I think we can hold out for more.
- We don't have any bullets, dumbass.
- Oh right, take the medic.
The medic's a good deal.
- Hey Doc, how's the patient?
- Doin' well. He seems
very alert and responsive.
- He's talkin' about Caboose, right?
- No, I mean the toe.
How's the toe I shot?
- What, that thing?
That fell off, like, half an hour ago.
- Rest in peace, Pinky Toe.
You shall be avenged.
- Tell you what. Go
ahead and send me over.
I really don't think I
can be any more help.
- Okay, we're gonna send over our medic.
Now, what do we get?
- You? You're surrendering.
You don't get anything except
humiliation and ridicule.
- We've already got that.
What else do you have?
- What do you want?
- How about if you admit
that the Red team sucks?
- Hey, what about the...
(voices whispering)
- What if we admit that one of us sucks?
- Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?
- Okay then, we agree to the terms.
You first, and then we
send over the medic.
- Get on with it, Grif.
- (groaning) I would just like to
let everyone know that I suck.
- [Church] And?
- And that I'm a girl.
- [Church] What else?
- And I like ribbons in my hair
and I want to kiss all the boys.
- This may be the best
surrender of all time.
- Okay, is that good enough?
- Yeah.
- All right, go ahead, Doc.
(birds tweeting)
- Man, I really hope you're worth this.
- Can I ask you a question?
Do they put something in the water here?
- Water? We ran outta
water six months ago.
- No water? I mean, what do you drink?
- Uh, you know, ketchup,
uh, soy sauce, gravy,
the usual.
- I only drink the blood of my enemies,
and occasionally a strawberry yoohoo.
(bluesy music)
- So he was shot in the head...
- [Grif] Right.
- And you gave him CPR for
a bullet wound in the head.
- Exactly.
- Yeah, I think that's a
perfectly acceptable treatment.
- That's what I said.
- Oh yeah, people often overlooked
alternative methods of care,
like that Blue guy that
was shot in the foot
during the battle.
All I did was rub his
neck with some aloe vera.
He was fine.
- Yeah, I don't know about all that.
I'm just glad the Sarge is wrong.
- Grif, you're supposed to
be watchin' the prisoner,
not playin' looky loo
with him all day long.
- Come on, Sarge. He
doesn't even have a gun.
- Oh, well you two will
be great friends then.
He doesn't have a gun and
you didn't bring any ammo.
- Hey, thanks, Kiss Ass.
If I wanna take guarding tips
from the guy that lost our last prisoner,
I'll be sure to ask you.
- Oh man, that is a burn.
Dude, you just got burned,
burned, dude, burned.
- Oh shut up. Your armor's pink.
- Uh hey, guys.
I just want everybody to know
that Grif and I aren't
technically friends.
We're just talking. That's it.
Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious
that you're really unpopular and
if I'm gonna make any
progress around here at all,
I can't really be directly
associated with you.
I'm sure you understand.
It's only because no one likes you.
Stop staring at me.
(dramatic music)
- Hey Church, if your body
is the Red Team's old droid,
and droids usually fix stuff,
can't you just activate your
repair sequence and fix Sheila?
- Huh, well, yeah, it's
worth a shot, I guess.
All right, stand back. (groaning)
- Anything?
- Yeah, it's not as easy
as you think it would be.
- Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
- See what you can find.
I'll keep trying from in here. (groaning)
Oh hey!
- Found it?
- Nah, no, wait.
All I found was the time
and temperature function.
It is currently 26 degrees by the way.
- What? It's not 26 degrees
out here. That's freezing.
- Celsius, Tucker.
- Come on, dude. Celsius sucks.
Hey, I found something.
- Oh yeah? You found a button?
- No, dude, it's more like a switch.
- Well, give it a flip.
- I don't wanna flip it.
- What's the problem?
- It's in a weird place.
- Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
- You flip it.
- These arms aren't that flexible.
I can't even reach down there.
- What about Caboose?
- Oh man, he's so stupid.
I don't even know if he knows
how to operate a switch.
- Oh man.
- Tucker, come on. We'll
laugh about it later.
I'll buy you dinner.
(switch clicking)
- It won't move. It's stuck.
- Did you try wiggling it?
- No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.
- Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.
(birds tweeting)
So, you from around here, baby?
- Okay look, if you want me to do this,
you can't talk to me--
- All right, all right, I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
- I wish Tex was here.
She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
- You obviously did
not know Tex that well.
- There!
(Warthog beeping)
Anything?
- Nope, nothin'. That's kinda weird.
Do you hear somethin' beepin'?
- Are there any ideas on
what to do with the prisoner?
- Well, we have to get him away from Grif
because, yeah, you know,
it's kinda cruel and unusual
to have to talk to him.
- How about we let him
trade armor with one of us?
That would show him.
(Warthog beeping)
- Warthog online, homing beacon activated.
- Sarge, did the car just talk?
- Oh-oh. Okay, I get it.
You built a remote control
for the jeep into Lopez.
- Yep, but there's no way anyone
could have found out how to turn it on.
I hid it in a place no
one would ever look,
unless, hey, pretty in pink,
were you messin' with my robot?
- What are you askin' me for?
- So someone else controls
the jeep right now,
and the big gun attached to it?
- Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies.
Even if they figured
out how to turn it on,
they'd never know the set
o' code words to control it.
Only me and my diary know that.
(funny guitar music)
- There, you hear that?
- Is it like a screaming,
high-pitched whistling noise
followed by a series of random clicks?
- No, it's just like this
constant beep beep beep noise.
- Oh, then no, I don't hear anything.
(remote beeping)
- Wait, do you actually hear
a series of whistling noises
followed by sone random clicks?
- No, I was just trying to be helpful.
- Yeah well, you're failing.
- All I hear is that voice, you know,
telling us to kill all of our friends
before they have a chance to kill us.
Wait, you guys don't hear that?
- Oh man, I can't take this anymore.
Tucker, you're gonna have
to do somethin', man.
This beeping is going to drive me crazy.
Going to drive me crazy, drive me crazy...
(Warthog beeping)
- Drive.
- Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!
They've cracked the code.
Those darned wind talkers.
(engine rumbling)
- Whoa! Hey!
- Hey, he's takin' the jeep.
- Help! This jeep is kidnapping me!
- Now he's taunting us.
This is just embarrassing.
- Hey Sarge, new rule.
How about we just don't
take any more prisoners
'cause we seem to suck at it.
(remote beeping)
- I see a switch down
here. It's not very big.
- Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.
- Wait, stop.
- [Warthog] Stop.
- Caboose?
Do you know how to work a switch?
- Uh...
- All right. Here's a full tutorial, then.
The switch is pointed in one direction.
Just turn it around so that
it's pointed in the other direction.
- Turn around.
- [Caboose] Oops! It broke itself.
- Aw!
- [Caboose] Aw man, what now?
- That does not look good.
Nice kitty, nice kitty.
- Okay, I see two wires down here.
One's green; the other one's red.
- [Caboose] What about the blue one?
- That's your thumb, Idiot.
Come on, guys, just grab whichever one
goes to the switch and yank it out.
- I can't tell which one goes over there.
- Then just yank 'em both.
- Church, if we pick the
wrong one, you could explode.
- I don't care. Look,
just follow the red one.
(phone dialing)
- Acquire target Red.
- Uh Sarge, you, you may
want to start running now.
- Ah, fudge bombs.
- Okay, I see what's going on here.
The red one goes close to the switch,
and the green one goes,
ew, someplace else.
- Fine, just pull it.
Take out the red one.
(warthog rumbling)
- Oh, I'm pinned.
- Eliminate Red target.
(artillery rat-a-tatting)
- You're gonna kill him!
- What a way to go!
Killed by my own mechanical creations.
- Okay, we've gotta do
something here, guys.
- You're right. I got
dibs on Sarge's armor.
- Okay, Church, you ready?
I'm gonna yank the wire.
(artillery rat-a-tatting)
- Grif! If you see Lopez,
tell him I forgive him.
Tell him. He was like a son to me.
- I thought Simmons was like a son to you.
- No offense, Simmons.
Lopez and I just understood
each other better.
- Understood? He refused to speak English.
- Yeah, and he ran away
the first chance he got.
- And now, he's trying to kill you
with the remote control jeep.
- Ah, what a little rascal.
- All right, here goes nothin'.
One, two, three.
(button buzzing)
- Oh God yes, finally, some
freakin' peace and quiet.
I thought that was gonna drive me nuts.
Hey, why can't I move my legs?
(artillery rat-a-tatting)
(phone dialing)
- Techno lost.
- Wow, that was a close
one. Are you okay, Sarge?
- Ah, horse pucky, I'm fine,
although I do have to admit,
maybe a little bit disappointed.
- It's okay, sir.
I know you said a lotta
things that you didn't mean.
People say crazy stuff when they're faced
with their own mortality.
- It's not that.
I just felt like I could've taken him.
- Taken who? The machine gun?
- Oh, he was a worthy
opponent, to be sure,
but right at the end there,
he was beginnin' to
show signs of weakness,
cracks in the armor, if you will.
- What? You can't fight a machine gun.
- Yeah Sarge, I know you're tough and all,
but it is kinda hard to beat up
hundreds of armor-piercing
bullets using only your face.
- And yet, he surrendered.
- Guys, guys, it's okay.
I've seen this before.
Sarge just lived through
a very traumatic ordeal.
We all have ways of
coping with the stress.
- Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?
- Oh, I have my own system,
and it works pretty well for me.
By the way, the driver's seat of the jeep
is gonna need a thorough cleaning.
- This is great. This is just great.
Thanks a lot, Caboose.
Now, what am I supposed to do?
My lower half is damaged.
- Why don't you try walking it off?
- I can't use my legs, moron.
- Oh, I see. Have you tried running?
- This doesn't seem like that big a deal.
You hardly ever used
your legs before anyway.
I've never heard of a grown man
asking for so many piggyback rides.
- Hey, I already told
you, that was for science.
- Why don't you just try
walking on your hands?
Then, you could use
your feet for high fives
and eatin' sandwiches and,
you know, the important stuff.
- Hey Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys
having his spine pulverized into dust,
maybe you should go ahead
and back up the warthog.
- Oh right, sorry.
(Warthog banging)
- Oh, hot-buttered lug nuts.
- Ooh, jeez, I'm really sorry.
I just was in the wrong
gear. Let me just...
(warthog banging)
- Oh, jeez, there goes my last kidney.
I was savin' that one
for a special occasion.
- Third time's a charm?
- I don't think so,
Pointdexter. Outta the jeep now.
- I'm really sorry, guys.
I was only trying to help, really.
- Oh, is that all?
I, for one, was totally confused.
I thought you were savagely
trying to kill our sergeant
by ramming hin over and over
with a 6,000-pound, steel death machine.
Now that we know that
you're just trying to help,
by all means, please continue.
- Really?
- Get out.
- Get out.
- Well, just start reattaching wires.
I'll tell you when I feel something.
- What about that? Do
you feel that, Church?
- No, what are you doin'?
I don't feel anything.
- Oh, Church, ya know, I was thinkin'.
You know, when you eat ice
cream too fast sometimes,
it hurts your brain?
- Hey Caboose? Yeah, shut up.
- Uh, Church, I think that you should know
that the Reds are...
- Dammit, Caboose!
In the short time I've known you,
you've managed to call
my girlfriend a slut,
blow me up with a tank,
shoot me in the head,
and now paralyze me from the waist down.
So, I hope it's not
too much for me to ask,
just for once, if you'd
shut your freakin' mouth.
- Hey Blues, we're here to--
What the hell are you guys doing?
- Aw crap, the Reds are here.
- What? Caboose, why
didn't you say anything?
Hey, why don't you guys turn me around?
I still can't move my legs.
- What were you doing down there?
- Nothing. What are you talking about?
- We were just playing a game.
- Hey Caboose, we'll handle this.
- What in the hell is
going on at this base?
- I told you these guys were weird.
- What do you want, Red?
Get outta here or we'll
start shootin' at ya.
- Oh yeah? You care to make
that threat to my face?
- Uh, no.
- Yeah, I didn't think so, punk.
- Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, guys.
We didn't come here to fight.
We just came to give back the prisoner.
- Give him back? You can't give him back.
You took him. A deal's a deal.
- Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.
- Well, sorry, you can't
have another prisoner.
That was our last one.
- Hey dude, what is your problem?
- Didn't your mama ever
tell you it's impolite
not to look at someone when
you're talking to them?
- He's shy.
- Shut up.
Look, we don't want him back
and we don't care what you do with him.
If you don't mind, we'd appreciate
if you'd leave us alone.
We're in the middle of somethin'
kinda private over here.
- That's sad. He is shy.
- Fine, but don't come
asking for him back later.
- We won't.
- Last chance.
- Beat it, Reds.
- All right, we're goin', we're goin'.
Man, I thought our team was obnoxious,
but those guys are really rude.
- Whoa, hey hey, whoa, where
do you think you're going?
- Back to base with you guys.
They don't want me over there.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
- What?
You're not just gonna leave me out here
in the middle of nowhere, by myself?
- Yeah, that's kinda the general idea.
- No you too, right Grif, old buddy, huh?
- Sorry, it's pretty clear that
you're not very popular around here,
and if I'm gonna make any progress at all,
I can't be directly associated with you.
I'm sure you understand.
(funny guitar music)
- What's goin' on? Are they there?
Did they leave? Hey, somebody
tell me what's happening.
- I don't know. I can't
really see too clearly.
I bet I could see better
if I had that sniper rifle.
- Uh, Tucker? You night
wanna look behind you.
- Motherfucker.
- Ooh Church, Church, okay,
I see something, okay.
The two Red ones are walking away,
but the purple one is...
I think he's going to attack.
- Purple? No wait, the purple
guy's that worthless medic.
He's not gonna attack. He's a pussyfest.
- Pacifist.
- Ah, whatever, let's tie him up
and roll him through the teleporter.
- Wait a second, wait a second.
Think about this for a minute.
Why would the Reds leave
him out there by himself?
This has to be some kind of trick.
- I'll bet they've used some kind
of brainwashing technique on him.
They're probably planning to have him do
all their dirty plans,
and also the schemes.
- Caboose, that is ridiculous.
- Is it or is it so ridiculous,
it's the most ridiculously perfect idea
that you never thought of?
- No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.
- Well, just keep your eye on him.
We'll know it's a trick if he tries
to get into our base.
- Hey guys, do you think I could
come hang out at your base for a while?
- I knew it. We're all gonna
die, starting with you.
- Sorry, but we're kinda busy here.
So, go away or something.
- Normally, I wouldn't impose.
It's just that I don't know the
neighborhood too well and...
- Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody
with that innocent victim routine.
- Hey, I could help. I know
more than just medicine.
I'm trained in psychology too.
Maybe I could help you with
your problem facing people.
- Just, get outta here,
and tell your buddies, the Reds,
that their little plan failed.
(soft music)
- Just you and me hangin' out
at the base today, huh Sarge?
This is new.
I noticed you use a shotgun. That's cool.
I just use this pistol. It
works for me. (whistling)
So, you think the guys'll be back soon?
What do you think they're up to?
Do you think they stopped at the store?
I noticed we were getting
pretty low on elbow grease.
When you die, can I have your armor?
- Hey, we're back.
- Oh man, am I glad to see you guys.
Sarge would not stop talking, seriously.
- Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out
a suitable exchange?
- Uh, not exactly, sir.
You see, when we showed up,
the Blues were doing something
really weird, and then--
- Really weird. Man, they were rude.
- Hey, dumbass, I thought we agreed
I was gonna tell the story.
- Excuse me. Go ahead.
- Well you see, the Blue
guys were really weird,
and not just normal weird, really weird.
- You're not telling it right.
- Okay fine, how do you remember it?
- Well, I remember we agreed
that you're a kiss ass.
I get fuzzy on the rest of the details.
- Anyway, they didn't want
the prisoner back, sir.
- Why those cunning blue devils.
Does their treachery know no bounds?
- It wasn't a total loss, sir.
I was able to steal his wallet.
- Grif, I may just make
a respectable soldier
out of you yet.
- Really, sir?
- Hell no.
Now leave the money on my nightstand
and get back to work.
- All right, Tucker, what the hell
are we gonna do, man?
I gotta get my legs working here.
- I don't know, but I can't just keep
pulling wires down there.
I think we should call in a professional,
maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.
- Okay, great idea,
but the only two people
that can do that are
Senor El Roboto and Tex.
- Hm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.
- Yeah, dead people usually are.
- Quite frankly, Tucker, I
find your attitude offensive.
- What about that Lopez
person? Is he available?
- No, I'm in his body, remember?
- Well, why don't you just leave his body
and then Tucker and I will make him
fix you and my girlfriend?
- Girlfriend? What, you retard?
- I mean, uh, Tucker and
I will make him fix you,
and the beautiful tank
lady means nothing to me.
Then, we can get you back
in his body when he is done.
- I'm confused. That actually
seems like a good idea.
- I know.
- But, Caboose said it.
- I know.
(hand whacking)
What the hell was that for?
- I don't know. I thought
maybe I was dreaming.
So, I punched you in the
face to make sure I wasn't.
- Tucker, when you think you're dreaming,
you don't punch somebody else.
You get somebody else to pinch you.
- Dude, it doesn't matter
what kinda dream I'm having,
I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
- If you dented my forehead,
Tucker, I am gonna be pissed.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Let's try this.
I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick.
You two just watch him.
Make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?
- Yes, Church.
- Okay, Church.
- All right, here goes
nothin'. Heauegerkergerk.
- You know, I have to
hand it to you, Caboose.
You finally came up with a good idea.
- Aw thanks, man. It was nothin'.
- No no, you really contributed,
and that's what it's all about.
- You know, I just enjoy the process.
- Yeah, back in the
spirit world. All right.
Man, I forgot how good this
feels, kinda loosey goosey.
Hey, what did you guys do with my body?
- Why do you care about your body?
You can't even move your...
Oh hey look, your legs work.
- This one is mine.
(gun blasting)
- Hey Caboose, whoa, cut it out, man.
You're gonna damage my body.
Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter
and cut him off.
I'll meet you guys out there.
- There's no way I'm going
through the teleporter again.
I've still got this tingle
in the back of my...
Look, dude, I'm just goin' back
through the teleporter, okay.
- But, Church said...
- Yeah, but Church didn't think of this.
(arm whooshing)
Come on, let's go.
- All right, hold it right there, amigo.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Hey, I said hold it, not run away,
you big robot baby.
What the hell? That rock
looks just like a grenade.
Aw crap.
(grenade blasting)
- What in Sam Hill is
goin' on out there, Grif?
- Sir, I think we're under attack,
a very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.
- How many do you see?
- They're still running our way,
and another one seems to be retreating?
- Oh, we'll give 'em
all a reason to retreat.
Saddle up, Simmons.
Let's go rope up some blue steer.
- Woo hoo! All right, yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Simmons] Woo hoo!
- [Simmons] Let's go for it.
- [Sarge] All right.
- [Simmons] Let's do it.
- So, just you and me hangin'
out at the base. That's cool.
- Shut up, Rookie.
- Do you think they'll be gone long?
Me and Sarge had a great time together.
- Oh my God.
- We talked about
all kinds of stuff.
- I'm not gonna listen anymore.
- We talked about about his mother.
We talked about home decorating.
- Are you ever going to shut up?
- We shared macrame ideas.
- Jesus Christ.
- We shared recipes
for souffles.
- All right, hit it.
(upbeat music)
(Church coughing)
- What the hell?
Who tried to blow me up with a grenade,
and why am I coughing?
I don't have lungs.
- Yeehaw!
- That's my boy.
- Hey, Sarge. Hold on a sec.
Did you see something weird, Sarge?
- Yes, I did.
Once when I was a small child,
I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle
do this thing with a garden hose
that still haunts me to this--
- Whoa whoa whoa.
I meant did you see
something weird just now,
like five seconds ago.
- Oh, then no.
- What was all that
stuff about your uncle?
- I keep telling everyone he
wasn't my uncle. He wasn't.
- Do you wanna talk about it?
- Just get back in the damn jeep.
- Hold it right there, hombre.
- I told you throwin' that grenade
through the teleporter would work.
Church is gonna be so impressed.
- Then Sheila will love me again,
and this time, for who I am,
not just for my stunning good
looks, but for those too.
(speaking in foreign language)
Your soul is a cavern of lies.
- What the hell are you two talking about?
(speaking in foreign language)
(rock music)
- Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares.
We need you to fix our tank.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Man, I thought Church talked too much.
Do you think if I kick him
in the switch he'll shut up?
- Um Tucker, I think that maybe
we should be in the going
of the running now...
the fast running.
- Oh crap.
- Hold your fire there,
Simmons. This is payback time.
- Go for it, sir.
- That's right. We're just
casually strolling away.
No cause for concern.
- Running time.
- Nice and casual, moron!
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- Aim for that guy right
in the middle, Sarge.
(engine vrooming)
- Way ahead o' ya, Simmons.
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- We've got ya now ya Blue bastard.
- Hey Sarge, do you hear
a strange beeping sound?
(bomb exploding)
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- All right, not bad, robot dude.
- I knew he would save us. I knew it.
Robot people always like me.
It's because of my awesome dancing.
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- Yeah, okay man, can you
just shut up and fix our tank?
Is it just me or does this jeep
seem like really bad luck?
- Yeah, you know, now that you mention it,
it does seem like every time
we get into the damned thing,
it breaks or explodes or goes crazy
and tries to kill one of us.
- Maybe we should try exchanging it
for a few motorcycles.
No way, a big tank like the Blues have.
That thing never seems to
have any problems at all.
- All right, that's
the deal, Mister Robot.
You fix our tank. We'll let you go free.
- I thought the plan was to
trick him into fixing the tank
and then Church will
take over his body again
when he is done.
- Yeah, but you don't tell
the person you're tricking
what's going on, Caboose.
- So, if I'm the one being tricked,
then you would not tell me
what is really going on?
- Why would we trick you?
- Oh, I think you know.
(Lopez speaks in foreign language)
- Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes
and let you get busy with tank fixing.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Aw crap. Hey, they got
a guy fixing their tank.
- Impossible. Our
intelligence clearly states...
- We have intelligence?
- that the only soldiers in this canyon
with mechanical training are
that dead freelancer and Lopez.
Oh wait a minute...
- Sarge, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Lopez runs away.
The jeep starts driving itself,
and suddenly, there's a
new guy on the Blue team?
- Yes, Simmons, I am.
Quite obviously, the
Blue team has constructed
some kind of diabolical,
mind control ray beam
that they used on Lopez and now,
he has to do their evil Blue bidding.
- Or, since he's a robot,
maybe they just reprogrammed him.
- Or maybe, that Blue guy
who got killed by the tank
came back as a ghost,
and now he's possessing Lopez' body.
That can also explain why Sarge went nuts
when we had the prisoner.
The Blue ghost probably possessed him too,
and the jeep going nuts was probably
just a weird set o' coincidences
while the guy learned
how to use Lopez' body.
- I think I like the ray beam idea better.
- (laughing) Yeah, Rookie.
Your idea sounds a little dumb.
- Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank,
so that I can say hello to Sheila,
and start killing everyone.
- You mean all the Reds, right?
- Of course, for starters.
- Come on. How much longer, Lopez?
- Completo.
- Thank you for activating
the M808V main battle tank.
- Sheila! You're fixed. You are fixed.
- Hello, Private Caboose.
It is good to see you again.
Thank you for repairing me.
- He didn't fix you. A robot did it.
- Don't cock block me.
- Dude, come on.
- Robot?
I wasn't aware that our squad was
outfitted with a robot.
(harp music)
- I don't like where this is going.
- Hello there. My name is Sheila,
the M808V main battle tank.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Lopez, what a nice name
for such a nice soldier.
You have such excellent motor skills.
- Um yes, well, Lopez has to go now.
He was just here to help me fix you,
and now, he has to go away.
- Dude, this is getting weird.
Church, will you take
your fuckin' body back?
- Roger that.
- No, heauegerkergerk.
- You okay in there, Church?
Church? Hey, what's going on?
Do I need to flip your switch?
What the, that wasn't me.
What the hell's goin' on here?
- Well, buenos dias, cock
bites . Guess who's back.
- Get outta my body right now, Tex.
- Your body? This isn't your body.
I stole it.
- Yeah, but I stole it first.
- I am confused.
I thought your name was Lopez,
and I thought you were a man.
This is all so strange.
I feel like my circuits
are crossed, and I like it.
- I know how to get her outta there, wink.
- Caboose, don't.
Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?
All right, Tex.
Now what's it gonna take
to get you outta there?
- Well, ever since I've been a ghost,
I've been watching you guys a lot.
- Whoa, when you say
you've been watching us,
does that mean you've been
watching us all the time?
Like, even when we're alone?
- Yes, Tucker, and you should
be very ashamed of yourself.
- It's very lonely out here.
- Anyway, I've noticed a change
in one of your guys, Caboose.
- A change? Like what?
He's finally learned the whole alphabet?
- You haven't noticed that he's become
increasingly aggressive lately?
- I have.
Started about the same
time Sheila got disabled
and you got blown up.
I tried to tell Church,
but he never listens.
- Tucker, there's a very fine line
between not listening and not caring.
I'd like to think that I walk that line
every day of my life.
- I had just finished repairing the tank
when I overheard Church's plan
to warn the Reds about me.
- I guess I'm gonna do
the only thing I can do.
I gotta warn the Reds.
- From what I can tell, the AI calculated
the odds of survival and
didn't like the results.
Once Caboose turned on
his radio to call Church,
it took its chance.
- Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.
- And that was when he
said his name was O'Malley.
So the AI that was in
you infected Caboose?
- Right, everyone's
armor has one slot for AI
and Caboose's would have been vacant.
- I think there are a few
of his non-artificial slots
that are empty too.
- And before I could
figure out what happened,
that bitch threw in a really lucky shot.
Aw crap!
(bomb exploding)
And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost.
- All right, I get it.
Caboose has your precious little AI.
So let me guess.
You're holdin' my body hostage
until I help you get your AI back, right?
- Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.
- Ladies, it has come to my attention
that we are in need of
a new robot type person.
Who here wants to volunteer?
- Are we going on a trip? I love trips.
Can we play I Spy and
the license plate game?
- Shut up, Donut.
- Please?
- Uh, sir...
- Or punch buggy or...
- Why won't this guy shut up?
- Or the alphabet with signs game...
- What exactly do you mean by volunteer?
- Quite obviously, we are without a robot
or any other type of recruit
with mechanical training or dexterity.
Therefore, the only solution is to
turn one of you into a robot
and/or freaky cyborg thing.
- Listen, what?
- Have you gone crazy?
- That is--
- what the hell?
- the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- Cool! I vote for Simmons.
- I'm told the cyborg operation
is a relatively simple procedure, really,
where the mostly useless
guts and slimy goo
of the human body are replaced with
the no doubt superior guts
and oily goo of a robot.
- I'm confused.
- If you're lucky, you may
even get a copper rectum.
- Sir, wouldn't it be
better if we didn't do that
instead of doing it?
- Good thinkin', Simmons, but no.
I like the removin' the guts thing,
so I think we stick with that.
- Yes, sir, I hate to
agree with the kiss ass,
but wouldn't it be better if we just
got command to send us another
perfectly good, brand new robot instead?
- Negative, Meat Sack.
Another new robot could be reprogrammed
by our enemies just as easily as Lopez.
We need someone we know we can trust...
- Aw, fuck me.
- or someone whose mental
capacity is so unbelievably tiny
that he could never be turned against us.
- Hey, pink suit guys.
I think it's somebody
else's turn in the barrel.
- Then again, maybe we just stick with
the trustworthy thing.
- Well Tex, that was a great story.
I especially like the part about Church
getting pantsed in high school.
- I found that part to be
entirely out o' context.
- But, I still don't get how
we're supposed to stop the AI.
- I don't remember much from
the implantation process.
I do remember that the
AI can be transmitted
from host to host by way
of the helmet radios.
Before I learned anything else,
the AI took over and we escaped.
If we can kill the AI and not give it
a place to jump, we'll beat it.
- And then, I can have my body back. Deal?
- Deal.
- All right. Tex and I
will possess Caboose then.
Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds.
Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios
so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go
once we get him outta there.
- Right.
- What?
How the hell am I gonna do that?
- I don't know. Come up with a plan.
- Come on. You know
how I feel about plans.
- You're not gonna have much time
once we get in there.
So move fast.
- Oh, I see.
You have no idea what I should
do or how I should do it,
but whatever I do, I should do it fast.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yep.
- Wow, you guys are a lot of help.
- Try shifting your paradigm.
Think outside the box.
- Hey! The box is there for a reason.
I like thinking inside of
it. I feel safe in there.
- Okay Tex, ladies first.
- Yeah, right.
You think I'm gonna leave you alone
out here with your body?
- Bitch.
- Nice try, Leonard.
- Hey Caboose.
- Huh.
- Heads up!
(dramatic music)
- No!
(dramatic music)
- Where are we?
- We're inside Caboose's mind.
Now we just have to find
O'Malley and kill him.
- Man, this is kinda weird.
- It's hard to get used to. I know.
- No, it's not that.
It's that this place is a whole lot bigger
than I thought it was gonna be.
- Caboose, are you okay, buddy?
- This place is a lot bigger
than I thought it would be.
- Okay, I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez
and figure out some way to get the Reds
to shut off their radios.
- Where should we start, Tex?
- What?
- I said, where should we start, Tex?
- Just keep your eyes, peeled.
I guarantee O'Malley
will come lookin' for us.
- Hey, Tucker, is that you?
- No, what? Are you stupid?
Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.
- What are you doing in here?
You're supposed to be out there
workin' on your part o' the plan.
- Do you have any food? I
love to eat all the food.
- What the hell? What's
the matter with you?
- This isn't really Tucker.
We're in Caboose's head.
This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker.
- Man, I am so unbelievably stupid.
- Oh that's great.
Everyone we meet in here is bound to be
as brain dead as Caboose, then.
- I would not be so sure
about that, Mr. Church.
- Great idea, sir. I
finally agree with you.
- Hey guys. We might have a problem here.
Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who,
might have thought that
one o' the cyborg parts
we needed for Simmons
surgery was a cup holder,
and somebody, not namin' any names here,
might have left it along
with their favorite
smooth jazz compilation
CD, in the warthog.
I just don't know who
would do such a thing.
- Was it you?
- Yeah, but no, (throat clearing).
I mean, no, dammit.
- Grif, you and Easy
Listenin' stroll on down,
retrieve that part from
the warthog, posthaste.
- Sir, do you think it's safe to be
outside the base right now?
For all we know, the Blues could have
already fixed their tank.
They could be advancing on us as we speak.
- Ah, corny dogs.
Even with Lopez helpin'
'em, it'll take them months
to get that tank online,
much less to get it movin' again.
- I hope your right
because if I see that tank
headed towards me, I'm
totally gonna freak out.
(dramatic music)
- Man, I sure hope they
don't totally freak out
when they see us coming.
(dramatic music)
- I see. So you're from the outside.
That's where the other is from as well.
- The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley?
Have you seen him?
- Of course, he's seen, you idiot.
Do you think Mr. Caboose would
miss something like that,
you sleazy douche bag fuck?
- I, hold on a second.
Who the hell are you?
- My name is Church,
butt-wiping ass munch.
- This guy's kind of an asshole.
- Yeah, we've met.
- And I'm Caboose's best friend,
so don't get any ideas about kissing up,
you lip-licking fuck suck.
- Okay, there's a lotta
stuff in that sentence
that I didn't like.
- Just play along, Church.
We're gonna need these guys
if we're gonna find O'Malley.
- I'm gonna go look for girls.
- Fine, whatever.
- If you want to find O'Malley,
I suggest we talk to the Reds first.
He tried to recruit them
against me early on.
- The Reds? The Reds are in here?
(bluesy guitar music)
- Well, are you sure you
left the part in there?
- Hm, think so. Wait, yes,
no, wait wait wait wait.
Mm, I think so.
- (sighing) All right,
let's retrace your steps.
You said it was the Tuesday before
Simmons and Sarge got blown up
that you were last in the warthog, right?
- Right, I know it was Tuesday
because that's the day
I wash my underwear,
and since I don't like to let my armor
touch my bare skin, on the account of
I chafe really easily,
I remember thinkin',
where can I hang out with no pants on?
- Oh God.
- Okay, well, it looks
like we're close enough.
Now, if I can just find
the brakes on this thing.
Ah, it must be this button.
- Do not touch that button.
- Oh, sorry. Hm, maybe it's this one.
- Do not touch me.
- You know, for a girl your size,
you're kinda sensitive.
- I cannot take any more of this.
- So I after I clipped my toenails,
I was gonna apply the
ointment as recommended,
but I don't know.
It just smelled really funny.
So, I decided to taste it
just to make sure it was safe.
- That's it. I'm committing suicide.
- Hey! I didn't finish
retracing my steps yet.
You don't even know what I did
about the boil on my thigh.
- Oh crap!
- Hey, you're back! So where was I?
Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting.
Whoa, whoa...
- Not now, Rookie.
There's a giant tank out there
that's about to steamroll right over us.
- What?
(engine revving)
Oh God, it's true! I'm goin' freakin' out.
I'm freakin' out!
- Please, take evasive action.
- You take evasive action.
Hey Lopez, help me out.
Can't you talk to her?
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
well, old buddy. It looks
like this is the end for us.
Since we're gonna die anyway,
there's only one thing left for us to do.
Grif...
- If you actually suggest what I think
you're about to suggest, I'll
just have to kill myself.
- Let's make a break for it.
- Whoo, in that case, let's go on three.
That's worked well for me in the past.
- Okay, you count.
- Fine, but don't look at me while I count
because I get nervous.
One, two...
(tank engine whirring)
that son of a bitch!
He beat me at my own game. Curses!
(tank ramming)
- Ay yi yi. Holy frijoles.
- Good golly, Miss Molly.
What is goin' on out there?
- Sir, the Blues are
attacking with their tank.
They blew up the warthog again.
- I wonder what jeeps
ever did to those guys.
- Grif and I just barely had enough time
to make it outta there.
Right, Grif? Uh, Grif?
- Why the hell did they
pair me up with you?
- I wanna keep my eye on you.
I don't trust gigantic turds
that try to kill my best
friend, you rim job.
- Well, this is gonna be a great trip.
- Attention Reds.
The great Caboose demands
an audience with you.
So listen up, ya blowjobbing cocksuckers.
- Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us.
- Will someone please help
me? I don't wanna die.
- I love Caboose and yet,
I'm still afraid of him.
- Argh, I be havin' a
Southern accent, you're--
- He's so scary.
- Fear not, Reds.
I come here not to destroy,
but instead to ask for your
assistance on this day.
- Okay, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...
I gotta correct a couple
things I'm hearing here.
First of all, you? You're not
Caboose's best friend, okay?
You don't have a best friend.
You know why? You don't need one.
You're Church.
Knowing other people just
waters down the experience.
Live the dream, buddy.
- Shove it, dick sniffer.
- And Caboose? Come on, dude, seriously?
Have you paid attention to
our enemies for one second?
- I beg your pardon.
- First of all, that guy,
he's not yellow. He's orange.
And since when is there
a girl on the Red team?
- My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
- Argh, I got termites in me leg.
- And that is not a Southern accent.
- Argh.
- Do you have any tampons?
- Seriously, what is the
matter with you people?
- Calm down, Church.
- Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick.
- Hey, butt brunch. I'm
Caboose's sidekick, not him.
So shut your pie hole.
(gun firing)
- Leonard! Are you okay?
- Aw please, that fudge
finger couldn't hit me.
No way, I'm gonna die. Ergh, blow me.
- There he is.
- Mwahahahaha.
- Let's go get 'em.
- All right, come on, Caboose. Let's go.
- I am sorry. Have we met?
- What? It's me, Church.
- I don't seem to have any memory of you.
My name is Michael J. Caboose.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- You have gotta be freaking kidding me.
I just hope Tucker's doin'
a better job out there
gettin' the Reds to turn off their radios.
- Goddamn it. This isn't
going very well at all.
You okay, Lopez?
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Whatever, you big show off.
How about you, Sheila? You still online?
- Affirmative.
- Okay, we should be close enough
to hack into their radio frequency.
Lopez, get inside Sheila
and do your business.
- What?
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Oh my god, remind me to hose you two off
when we get back to base.
- Well, this is a devil of a picadillo.
Simmons, get on the squawk
box and tell command...
- Red guys? Are you there?
- What in buttery goodness? Who is this?
- It's me, Tucker. I'm
one of the Blue guys.
Look, I don't have time to explain,
but I need all of you guys
to shut off your radios right now.
- Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell
before I take orders from you.
- Look, it's really important, all right?
Normally, I would just shoot at you guys
and steal your girlfriends,
but today's different.
I need you to trust me on this.
- Well, I may have spoke too soon.
That is an interesting
and well thought out,
not to mention clever and
timely, I might add, proposition.
Simmons, would you care
to deliver our rebuttal?
- (throat clearing) Suck it, Blue.
- Yeah, suck it, Blue.
Now that's what I call
an old school zinger.
In your face, Blue dude, in your face.
- (sighing) Oh man.
- Moohahahaha.
- Hurry up, Church. He's gettin' away.
- You'll never catch me.
- Come on, let's go.
(Church groaning)
- Dammit! These guys are not backing down.
Lopez, looks like we're
gonna have to go to Plan B.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(Lopez singing in foreign language)
- What in Betty's bloomers
is on the radio now?
It sounds like a feral crab
or retarded Mexican sasquatch.
- Turn it off, turn it off!
Please, God, make it stop.
- Aw man, this is cruel, cruel.
- Oh?
- All right, O'Malley. This is it.
From now on, if anybody
makes my girlfriend cranky
and psychotic, it's gonna be me.
- Aw, that's sweet.
- Shut up, bitch.
- Asshole.
- Never! The darkness
will swallow you whole.
- Forget it, O'Malley.
You're just one big headache
and I got a whole pistol full of Aspirin.
- What?
- I got half a mind to kill you...
- That's ridiculous.
- and the other half agrees.
- Church, that's just stupid.
- You're about to split...
- God, Church.
- personalities.
- Now you're just embarrassing yourself.
- Psyche!
- That's it. I've had enough.
Can't take anymore.
Everybody, switch off your radios.
- But Sarge...
- That's an order, Private.
- Sarge please...
- Don't try my patience, boy.
- Aw man.
(radios booping)
- Ah, hoo hoo hoo hoo, it worked.
Hey, turn off your radio quick.
- Nice knowing you, O'Malley,
but payback's a bitch, and so am I.
- Wait, Tex. We don't know
if Tucker's had enough time.
- There's only one way to find out.
(gun blasting)
(O'Malley groaning)
(guns blasting)
- Huh, he just disappeared.
I expected, like, his echoing laugh or,
you know, the smell of
brimstone, at least.
I don't smell any kind o' stone.
Sure that's weird, Tex? Tex?
Tex, where'd you go?
- [V.I.C.] Good evening, Dr. Dude,
doin' the radio, STAT.
I need 20 cc's of what the
hell is goin' on there, dude?
- Aw, what happened?
- Hey. You tell me, dude.
One minute we're talkin'
about a hole in the wall,
the next thing I know, you
turn into Grumps McGert.
Sounded like you needed a lozenge.
Threatened to eat my
children. Not very cool, dude.
- Geez, did I really? I'm sorry.
Something went wrong with my radio
and I heard this weird beeping, honking--
- Hey, no offense taken, dude.
Don't got any kids anyway.
- What?
- Old Vic's been through
the snip and snitch,
if you know what I mean.
- I don't wanna hear about that.
- Winky Blinky, the one-eyed
sergeant's firin' blanks.
- That's weird.
- If you get me, vaya con
dios to the vast deference.
- Yeah, all right, enough, I get you.
- I mean a vasectomy, dude.
- Look, I found something really weird
here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
- Roger that. What did you find?
- It's like a, it's like a thing.
- It's like a thing? Okay, dude.
Thank you for the update.
I'll be sure to alert the chief of staff.
- Sorry, I'm--
- Move to Def con 1.
- I'm still a little dazed.
It's a big thing. It's purple.
It's a big, purple thing.
- Use your words, dude.
- Look, I don't know.
It looks like some kinda alien artifact.
Did the aliens have, like, a
home base or something here?
- I don't know, dude.
Why don't I just consult my
extraterrestrial travel guide for ya?
Oh look, they had a great series
of alien bed and breakfasts
there, lucky you.
- Never mind. I'll just
figure it out myself.
- Nothing about big, purple things though.
Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle.
- Man, that guy's such a jerk.
The next time he talks to me like that,
I'm gonna tell him to go straight
to H-E double hockey sticks.
Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that.
That's not very nice.
If I ever meet him, I'm
taking his eyes as souvenirs.
Whoa, that was unlike me.
I must be stressed out. Time for yoga.
- How's Sheila doin'?
- I'm not gonna lie.
It's not lookin' pretty.
She may have twisted her differential,
possibly some structural damage.
This could be a disk.
- You have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
- No, not a clue.
- What about Tex? Any sign of her?
- No, no Tex.
Is it unusual for her
to disappear like that?
- When we were dating, she
would sneak off all the time,
but it was usually to
sleep with other guys
or to spend money that she
had taken outta my wallet,
and since I don't have any money and,
well, no offense to you, Tucker, but--
- You're a dick...
(Grif groaning)
- Grif, don't try to move too much.
You've been through quite the ordeal.
- Oh man, where am I?
- Hush now, sh sh sh sh sh.
It was really touch and go
there for a while, good buddy,
but I did it.
I pulled you through.
- How long was I out?
- Don't you worry.
Nurse Donut here stayed by
your side the whole time,
strokin' your hand and keepin' ya company.
- Oh, my right hand?
- Your left.
- Note to self, cut off left hand.
- Technically speaking, it's
not really your left hand.
- Say what?
- I had to replace certain body parts
that were severely damaged
when the tank ran you over,
and a few that atrophied
from a lifetime diet
of hoohoos and
bacon-flavored marshmallows.
- Wait, which body parts?
- Well, let's see, we had
to start with the shoulder,
then we moved on down to the flank...
- Huh?
- Yeah, we couldn't really
find an anatomy book,
but we did find one o' those pictures
with the cow and the
dotted lines all over it.
- [Sarge] We had to go
over to the porterhouse.
- I think it did the trick.
- [Sarge] And of course,
the brisket and the Hocks...
- Wait. Wait, where did you
get the replacement parts?
- Why, from our other subject, of course.
- Subject, my cyborg ass.
- No way.
- Yeah, I'm real happy about
this myself, numb nuts.
- Yep, those too.
- Did I get your lips?
- [Sarge Prairie oysters...
- Good thing you did.
I'll finally figure out
how to kiss Sarge's ass.
- And the ass.
- What the hell?
- [Sarge] Saucy bits.
- What didn't I get?
- We pretty much replaced
all the internal organs,
and some of the more
disgusting external ones,
except for Simmons' spleen,
which will be inflated
and used for general
recreation and esprit decor.
- This doesn't seem physically possible.
- Nonsense! Modern technology
makes anything possible.
It was as easy as Shake n Bake.
- And I helped.
- Man, Caboose, you were
asleep for a long time.
What were you dreaming about?
- Aw nothing. I do not like to dream.
I try not to think while I am sleeping.
- That's pretty much how you function
while you're awake too.
- I think (indistinct) is important.
- Well, you look okay.
Then again, that's just the armor.
How do you feel?
- Great! Who are you?
- Oh come on, not this again.
How can you seriously not remember me?
- Oh, of course, I remember
you. You're Marvin.
- I'm Church.
- I think I would remember
a name that ridiculous.
No, you are definitely Bill.
- You killed me with the tank.
- Dave!
- You insulted my girlfriend.
You called her a cow.
- Karen.
- Dude, he called her a slut.
- Phineas.
- Your whole life is
based around pleasing me.
- Wally.
- In fact, I think you're
kind of obsessed with
- Milo?
- being my best friend.
- Psst, the new guy's
pretty full of himself.
- New guy? What the...
I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy.
- I don't know. I kinda like it.
I could get used to calling you, Rookie.
- Oh yeah? Could you get used
to me beating you to death?
- Psst, what's wrong with
the rookie? He seems mad.
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- (groaning) Whup, whup!
- Donut, there's no way
you can jump that high.
- Yes, I can. (groaning)
Yes, I can.
- What the hell is he doing?
- Losing a bet.
- Aw, I almost got it that time.
Are you sweating yet, sucker?
- No. I can't sweat.
Simmons' stupid sweat glands
don't even work right.
- What? They were working
when I gave them to you.
- Please, I'm not moist in
any of the usual places.
If you want 'em back so bad, take 'em.
- (sighing) I can't.
Sarge said that sweat makes
my cyborg parts rusty.
So, I'm cooled by Freon now.
- Ah, delicious Freon. (coughing)
- Grif, are you all
right? Are my lungs okay?
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you smoking inside your helmet again?
- What? No. (exhaling)
Oops.
- Dammit! I knew this would happen.
And how many snack cakes
have you had today?
- None. Okay, five or more.
Baker's dozen at most.
- Do you even know how many
there are in a baker's dozen?
- By my count? 48.
- All right, that's it.
No more smoking, no more drinking,
and no more overeating, Chubby.
You're not gonna ruin my body parts
the same way you ruined yours.
- That's okay.
I can think of different ways to ruin 'em.
(spleen ball exploding)
- Ah, ow, ow!
Who left the spleen ball where
someone could trip on it?
I think I broke something.
Simmons, I need your ovaries.
- (sighing) I really hate this army.
- Grif, Simmons 2.0, I just
got off the horn with Command.
I'm afraid we have a situation.
- Aw, don't tell me they
canceled the holiday party again.
Those cheap bastards!
All I wanted was one night
of carefree dancing, but no.
I ask, when is it gonna
be Simmons' turn. When?
- Uh, actually, the problem is with Lopez.
- Don't tell me.
The Consular General from
Spanish-land is coming,
and without Lopez, we don't
have anyone to translate.
- There's no such thing as
Spanish-land, you retard.
- Yes, there is.
They have those water
slides and all that salsa.
- No, they don't.
- Well, I guess you would know.
- What's that supposed to mean?
For the last time, I'm Dutch Irish.
- Hey, don't let your fiery
Latin temper get out o' control.
I was just trying to make a point.
- Can it, Frankenstein.
We've got a pot on the front burner,
and it's a-boilin' over.
I've just learned that
Command had planted Lopez
with secret instructions detailing
the next phase of our operations.
Do you have any idea what this means?
- I uh, Simmons, you wanna take this one?
- Were you not listening again?
What the hell were you thinking about?
- Certainly not water slides,
I can tell you that much, or salsa.
- What it means is that
if we don't get back Lopez
before the Blues uncover our secret plans,
we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.
- Ew, get, that's gross.
- I'm talkin' about bein' lost in a forest
of filth without a compass,
swimmin' in a river of
sick with no floaties on,
drivin' blind into the tunnel--
- Sir, I think we get the picture,
the very very disturbing picture.
- You sure? I could go on.
- I'm sure you could, but no, really.
- Just one more.
- Stop.
- Come on, they're fun.
- Man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending
a lotta time together.
- I don't think it. He's not
good enough for my Sheila.
- But, they seem happy together.
- He is a bad influence, and
he is taking advantage of her
because she is young
and naive, and delicate.
- Delicate? She weighs
like 200 tons, dude.
- She is a precious flower.
- Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor.
This might sound strange,
but I think Caboose is getting kind of
jealous of your relationship.
- Sheila!
Come back to me!
I made you happy!
- Anyway, could you just try to keep
a lower profile or something?
We don't wanna have some weird,
horribly disgusting love triangle.
- Tucker, I have been speaking with Lopez
and we feel that the machines have been
treated unfairly in this canyon.
- What are you talking about?
- On a regular basis, we
are either being blown up,
possessed by spirits or
just left out to rot.
- Huh?
- We have decided that,
until conditions improve,
we are not going to help
you in your battles.
- You're kidding, right?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?
- It's very simple.
We'll use a flea-flicker maneuver with
a running gun two-by-two approach.
Tactical ops will be, aw
hell, who am I kiddin'?
Grif, Donut, just go stand
in the way o' their bullets
while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak
around back to grab Lopez.
- Sounds like a plan.
- No, it doesn't.
How about this time we try something
that doesn't involve me
being shot at or run over?
- Would electrified be okay?
- No!
- Well, I'm out of ideas.
- Look, instead of just running straight
into enemy gunfire like we usually do,
why don't we try some
reconnaissance this time?
- You mean like spy
stuff? That would be cool.
I could wear a spy tuxedo...
- [Sarge] No.
- with a hidden spy camera...
- [Sarge] No.
- inside a tiny spy bow tie.
- [Grif] No.
- Or I could wear a flower on my lapel.
- [Sarge] I said no!
- that sprays water in people's faces.
- Shut up, Donut.
- No, secret spy liquid, that
would be awesome. (laughing)
- No!
- Maybe.
Uh, I mean, no.
- Aw come on. I could be double-O-Donut.
- You mean like Doonut?
- A license to thrill, or be thrilled.
- All right, since you're
both so into the idea,
Grif, Donut, you're on recon.
Find us a way to break into their base
and report back on the double.
- Great, more time alone with the idiot.
- Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif,
let's pretend we're wearing
super spy jet packs.
(Grif groaning)
No no no no, like this.
Bwooshhh, bwooshhh...
- Hey, can you not stop
that for two seconds?
- Come on, Agent. (throat clearing)
Come on, Agent Grif.
We've got to hurry if we
want to save the princess
from the evil goblin.
- What princess?
I thought you were pretending
to be in a spy movie.
- Look, my secret spy
character gets to marry
a beautiful princess
in a castle, all right?
Deal with it.
- Donut, can you just go find some
higher ground or something?
- But, we're on higher ground now.
- Why don't you use your jet pack
to go to the highest ground?
- Good idea. I bet the
Blues won't think o' that.
- No, if they were that stupid,
we probably would have won by now.
- Secret Agent Donut to
the rescue. Bwoosh...
- I could just shoot him.
No one would ever have to know, no one.
- Hey Church, we might have a problem.
- Is this a new problem, or did Caboose
get his head stuck in the freezer again?
- New one, Sheila and
Lopez are now considering
leaving to form their own robot army.
They said no one would dare oppose them.
- What? Did you try to talk 'em out of it?
- No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them.
- Aw man, well, we gotta
find a way to separate 'em.
Maybe it's time to get rid o' Lopez.
- But, without Lopez, you
wouldn't have a body to use.
Why don't you just possess
him like you normally do?
- I would, but it's gettin'
harder to do it each time.
I think he's learned to fight it somehow.
- You know, I really think we should try
a non-violent approach to resolve this.
I agree, except replace the
word non with extremely,
and after the word
violent, include the phrase
blood explosion extraordinaire. (laughing)
- Hey, what's goin' on in there?
- We can't do this.
They're gonna find out.
They'll find out about us,
the machine, everything.
- What the? Those voices sound suspicious.
- I will rip out their guts
and feast on their entrails.
But, I'm a vegetarian. (laughing)
- Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget,
but where's the guy he's talking to?
- Look, we can't just sabotage
their equipment. That's rude.
- Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
- I will devour their hearts
and crap out their souls.
- That sounds even worse.
- They will all taste oblivion,
which tastes just like Red
Bull, which is disgusting.
- Whoa.
- All will perish. (laughing)
- All? Wait, that includes me.
Aw man, I gotta go tell the guys.
- Hello, who's there? Please help me.
I'm scared of myself. (laughing)
- Gotta get back to base, back to base.
Oh man, there it is.
Guys, hey guys! Where is everybody?
I saw something really
weird in that cave that...
Hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank?
Wait a minute, this looks like the store,
except Sarge told me there is no store.
Oh no.
- Oh yeah.
- Oh crap. I knew I shoulda just shot him.
- So, they sent a female
assassin to try and kill us.
Clever, but it won't work.
We're immune to your feminine wiles,
unless you wanna date one of us.
- Female? I'm not a girl.
- Tease.
- I just have light red armor.
- How is that pink armor
anyway? Looks comfortable.
- At first, I really hated it,
but it's kinda grown on me.
My old armor used to chafe
my thighs somethin' awful,
but the crotch in this pink
one is surprisingly roomy.
- Silence, woman.
- Good Buddha's Noodle, how
could this have happened?
- It's okay, sir. It was a strong plan.
Grif's just a dumbass.
- Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.
- Settle down, ladies.
We need a new stratagem
and we need it fast.
- Donut's sure to crack under the pressure
and reveal everything.
- Everything like what?
Where we keep his tampons?
- You're right about that, Simmons.
The boy doesn't even see
the entertainment value
in being tortured, all these kids today.
- How's it going, Tucker?
We get any useful information
outta the prisoner yet?
- I figured he was here
to steal back Lopez,
but he won't give us anything,
except a list of crock pot recipes.
Would that be useful?
- Do we have a crock pot?
- No, Caboose made a trade with that
annoying guy from Blue Command.
He swapped it for a mystery box.
- What was in the mystery box?
- 140 jars of mayonnaise.
- Well, that's a good trade.
- Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen.
- How did you? Nevermind.
Listen, I think I came up with a plan
for how we can use Lopez
and our new prisoner
to get an upper hand on the Reds.
(birds tweeting)
The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
- Dammit! I knew there would be a catch.
- But, okay, okay, your turn.
Truth or dare.
- Hm, truth.
- Okay, tell me all of
the Red secret plans.
- Aw, you tricked me.
You Blue guys are so smart.
Okay, now listen closely.
Our biggest secret is, hertegerkagerk.
- Caboose! It's me, Church.
I possessed this guy so we can, whoo, hey.
This pink armor's kinda
comfortable, roomy.
What were you two guys talkin' about?
- Oh, nothing.
- You wanna braid each other's hair?
(quirky guitar strumming)
- Hello, Inferior Red Squad.
We would like to talk to you about...
- A sneak attack!
- Shut up, you idiot.
We're not here to fight.
We're here to negotiate.
- A sneak negotiation.
- What the? Donut, what is this?
- I think he's talkin' to you.
- We, I mean they would like to negotiate
a surrender to us, no to them, no wait,
no, that's right, to us.
- Oh, smooth, dude.
- What's this business?
The boys are givin' up?
I smell a trap or a rat
or a rat and a trap.
Don't accept it, Simmons.
- You can't surrender, Blues.
We haven't attacked you.
Now go home and wait for us to attack,
and then you can surrender.
- Wait, if we accept, that means
we would have two surrenders
and they would have none.
That means we win.
- Win what?
- I don't know, the war
or something, right?
- You're an idiot.
- In exchange for not killing us,
they, them, we, they would like to
release the robot guy and me,
the pink guy.
- Are you becoming retarded?
- What should we do, sir?
- I'm torn between my intense
distrust of the Blue team
and the need for the plans stored
in my favorite robotic creation.
No offense, Simmons.
- None taken, sir.
You removed the negative
emotional center of my brain
and implanted it in Grif.
- (crying) I can't, I
just can't take this.
We're all gonna die. (crying)
- I don't think they're goin' for it.
(gun blasting)
- Oh, motherfucker.
- Okay, now you're under attack.
Go ahead and surrender, bitch.
- Nice thinkin', Son.
- The humanity.
- All right, they surrender.
- Fuck that, I'm pissed. Let's fight.
- Now that you have been
thoroughly humiliated
by our superior military strategy,
we demand the return of our
robot and our pink private.
- Okay, but there's one catch.
- What in shinola...
- Sarge, they want you to build
two robots for their team,
one for each prisoner
that they're releasing.
- Hey, that wasn't part o' the deal.
- Why exactly are we
negotiating with Donut?
- Church, why do we need two robots?
- You know, one for me
and one for (mumbling).
- Oh man, don't tell me
you're doing this for Tex.
You're still in love with her, aren't you?
- Get off my back, man.
Most dead chicks aren't exactly lining up
to haunt this dirt hole.
Besides, if I don't get her a body,
she's gonna steal mine anyway.
- Yeah, good point, bitch.
- All right, you Blue scum suckers.
What robot models did you have in mind?
- I guess, make 'em just like Lopez
except, you know, just the
shells, no intelligence.
- These new robots sound much nicer.
- That's because they sound like you.
- Oh, and not Spanish,
and a bigger switch.
- Okay, we got a deal.
Meet us in the center of the canyon
at 0-600 and we'll make the exchange.
- Deal!
- Okay, I gotta hurry back
before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything.
Make sure this pink guy
doesn't run away when I leave.
I mean it. I'll meet you
guys back at the base.
Heauegageez.
- What the? Where am I?
- We were just talking to your friends,
but you are going to stay
with us now for a while.
- Are we gonna have a sleepover,
because that would be sweet?
- You're a nice lady.
(bluesy music)
- All right guys, I, Sheila? Lopez?
What the, why do people keep leaving?
- Oh, Blue team?
Before ya go, maybe we should
talk about optional equipment
on your new robots.
- What optional equipment?
- All you said you wanted was a body.
We didn't talk about features.
- Like what?
- You know, undercoating,
extended warranty, features, man.
Come on, like, do you want them
to be able to use both arms at once?
- Of course.
- Asynchronous arm movement is optional.
- What? Aw man, I told Church
they would try to screw us.
What about the feet?
- [Sarge] Did you want feet?
- Yeah, we want feet.
- Sorry, feet are optional.
- What's on the bottom of its legs?
- [Sarge] Legs are optional.
- Aw man, what a rip off!
- [Sarge] Options are optional.
- What isn't optional?
- You look like a nice guy.
Don't worry. We'll work somethin' out.
Have you thought about financing?
How's your credit?
I can offer you a free set o'
high quality mudflaps and a lube job.
You won't be disappointed.
I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic.
- So Sheila and Lopez were just
gone when you got back here.
- Yep, they even left a note.
Says they've gone off to
start their own robot army.
That's great.
- Didn't they have a non-compete clause?
- Also says they want us to
meet them in the middle
of the canyon at 0-600
to discuss the terms of our
defeat and/or surrender.
0-600, what does that mean?
- Isn't that when we're supposed to be
surrendering to the Reds?
- That means 6 o'clock,
right, or does it mean...
0-600, does 600 mean minutes?
600 minutes, 'cause that'd
be, that's be 10 o'clock.
Is it 6 o'clock or is it 10 o'clock?
- Man, we should really get
a day planner or something
'cause this shit's just
getting ridiculous.
(bluesy guitar strumming)
- How's it going, sir?
- Great, with these new
color-coded instructions,
building robots has never been easier.
Now, the thousands of mistakes I've made
on my previous efforts
seem laughably obvious,
except for you, Simmons.
No mistakes there.
- Yeah, I didn't think so, sir.
You're great at this, even
without any formal training
or first party certification.
(gun blasting)
- Son, did you just shoot
yourself in the foot?
- Yeah, I do that now sometimes.
I'm not really sure why.
- I'm sure it's user error.
- Hey guys, it's almost time.
Are the robots ready yet?
- Just puttin' on the finishin' touches.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
Francisco Montague Zanzibar, and this one
over here is Robot Number Two.
- Why didn't this one get a fancy name?
- Let's just say somebody has
an overclocked, sass-back chip,
and rejected all the names I came up with.
(spacey music)
But that's okay, I can even
use it to my advantage.
I made some special
modifications on Numero Dos.
Check it out.
Robot Number Two, codeword dirt bag.
(arms smacking)
- Ow! Hey!
- (laughing) Pretty nifty, huh?
- That's awesome, sir.
Let me try, let me try.
Codeword, dirt bag.
(arm smacking)
- Ow!
Okay, fine, two can play at this game.
Codeword, dirt bag.
(arm smacking)
Ah, son of a bitch.
- But, that's not the
only special feature.
- What do you mean, sir?
- Well, I don't wanna give anything away,
but let's just say, for instance,
that one of the robots
contains a hidden microphone
that will allow us to
eavesdrop on the Blues
whenever we want, and let's
just suppose, shall we,
that the other robot contains
a 10 megaton bomb. (laughing)
Oh, I guess I kinda gave it away.
- Yeah, you kinda did.
- I think this is what they
call the calm before the storm.
- I call it nap time, which
is right before food time,
and then comes, food nap time.
That is my favorite time of them all.
- Mr. Caboose, I just want you to know
that even though we are on different teams
and we may never see each other again,
whatever happens out there today,
I'll always remember the
moments we shared together.
You are now and forever will be my friend.
- Private Donut, that
sounds like private biscuit.
- Yeah, it does.
(warm guitar music)
- Do you think they'll show up?
- Well, my gut says no, but then again,
my gut's made of an advanced polymer,
and it doesn't know what
the hell it's talkin' about.
Stupid gut.
- Great Caesar's toast, looks like
they brought out the heavy artillery.
(engine vrooming)
(Lopez speaking foreign language)
- That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
- Ah, they're lining up
in flanking formation,
those Blue jackals.
Keep your eyes peeled, fellas.
This could get ugly.
- Are you there, Church?
Church, are you there, Church?
- Hey man, I've been trying to get you
on the radio for 10 minutes.
What's goin' on?
- Sorry, man, I'm still picking up
the Reds transmissions from when
we broadcast that Lopez song.
There's a lotta chatter.
- Well, are you at least
getting any useful information?
- Nah, it's just the same two guys
bickering like an old married couple.
I've only been listening
for, like, five minutes,
and I can already tell
they're really in love.
Why can't they see it?
- All right, get ready to launch
Operation Circle of Confusion.
- Uh Church, it kinda looks more
like a triangle from down here.
- What?
- I'm just saying it doesn't
look much like a circle.
It looks more like we're
forming a triangle.
Just a side note.
- Okay, fine, Triangle of Confusion,
Rhombus of Terror, Parabola
of Mystery, who cares?
Get the goddamn show on the road.
- All right, all right, sorry.
Initiating primary commencement phase.
- What are they talkin' about?
- Quiet, Commander Poppin Fresh.
I think they're talking about
your golden, flaky crust.
- Hello everyone. We're here to surrender.
At this time, we would like to ask
for one representative/prisoner
from each group to cross sides.
- Hey! I think I see Lopez over there.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- Yeah, it's time.
- [Sheila] Tell 'em, Big Daddy.
- Okay, get going, Pinky.
- Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Buns.
I will always remember
your buttery goodness.
- Who was that guy?
- Look! They're releasing Donut.
- Go on, Francis X, front and center.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Um Church, do you
think maybe in hindsight,
it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez
around a bunch of robots?
- Just stick to the plan, Tucker.
Get the first robot over there.
I'll draw Lopez's fire. Come on.
(Lopez speaking in foreign language)
- What the, it's a double cross.
Donut, Frankie, hey. Get back here.
- No, stay where you are. Do not go back.
- Now the Blues are aiming at each other?
What the hell's going on?
- We've been out-maneuvered,
men. Take cover.
I'm callin' in an airstrike.
(radio booping)
- What the hell is that noise?
- Red Command, come in.
This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Do you read me?
- Hello, hello, who's there? Come in.
Is that you, Private Tucker? Hello.
- Private who? No, V.I.C, this is Sarge
from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
- Oh, hey there, Sarge. Long time no see.
Sorry about that.
I, anyway, what can we do here
for ya at Red Command today?
- I'm up to mu haunches
in hyenas here, V.I.C..
I need an airstrike and
I need it on the pronto.
- Can do, Sarge,
I will send an airstrike to target
the blue forces now.
Of course, I'll need you to fax in
the airstrike requisition form.
- But, I can't!
I had to use spare parts
from our fax machine
to build Simmons 2.0.
(fax machine whistling)
- Whoa, excuse me.
Man, it musta been something I ate.
- Hey, Simmons?
Why is there paper coming out of your ass?
- What the hell, V.I.C.?
How do you know the Red team?
Why are you helping
them against the Blues?
What the fuck is going on here?
- Private Tucker, you're on here too.
Um, see I, you guys are, I
gotta go, bad connection.
- Wait! V.I.C.!
Red Command, come in! I need you.
- Well, that's not gonna
be very good for business.
- Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck.
Get ready to open fire.
Today is a good day to die.
- Wait, I think today is actually
a good day to retreat.
Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
- Yeah, let's all take dying
as an open action item,
and come back with
suggestions next meeting.
- No, it has to be today
for our ancestors. Yeah!
- Wait everyone! Stop fighting!
It's all a lie! Let him through.
Blue and Red's all the same.
(dramatic music)
(voices chattering)
- Agagagaga...
- Tucker, your radio has too
much feedback. Shut it off.
- Yeah!
- This is fun.
(voices yelling)
- Oh dammit!
- Wait, Sarge. I can't hear
what that guy's yelling.
- Lock and load.
- I love blood and violence.
- Stop fighting! Stop fighting!
- I've got a boner for murder.
- What did you say, Blue?
- Heugegerkagerk.
- Kaboom!
- I said there's no Red versus Blue.
It's all a...
(artillery blasting)
(Tucker screaming)
Son of a bitch!
- What the hell is that?
- What the hell is that?
(speaking in foreign language)
- Oh my god. It's the cave devil.
Run for your lives.
(artillery blasting)
- Oops, sorry about that big explosion.
- Sorry, it wasn't bigger. (laughing)
- Wait a minute. I'd
know that laugh anywhere.
That's O'Malley.
(artillery blasting)
- My bad. (laughing)
- Come on, Robots. You're with me.
- Sheila, (speaking in foreign language)
- My pleasure.
(artillery blasting)
(guns firing)
- Grif, if we're going to die,
I'm glad we get these last
few moments to make amends.
God, my only hope is
that I die before you,
so that I don't live through the horror
of losing a man on the battlefield.
- Yeah, I hope you die first too, Sarge.
- Tucker, Tucker, are you okay?
- Church, the purple guy, he's--
- Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley.
He musta got in the medic somehow.
- No, he's an asshole.
- [Sheila] Lopez, no!
- Church, how come Tucker gets to
nap during battles and I don't?
(O'Malley laughing)
- Help! He took Lopez.
- What? Where'd he go?
(O'Malley laughing)
- Here I am, you fools.
- How'd he get up there so quick?
- That guy's wicked fast.
- Thanks, I lettered in
track in high school.
It was the least directly
competitive sport I could find.
- Track sucks.
- You suck, and now, I make my escape
with my metallic hostage,
never to be seen again,
unless I want to be seen, in which case,
if I see you before you see me, look out.
The universe will be mine! (laughing)
- Lopez! No!
- Move it, brown bot, into the abyss.
- Everyone, hold your
fire. We're comin' out.
Truce. Time out.
- Would someone explain
what just happened here?
That evil guy on the
scooter shot one of our guys
and then ran off with Lopez.
- But, we need Lopez for
very specific reasons
that we don't have to explain to you.
We have to get him back.
- Yeah, and we need to
get the evil guy back.
He's the only one around here
that can heal Tucker.
- So now, we're forced to
work together. How ironic.
No, that's not ironic.
Ironic would be if we had to
work together to hurt each other.
- No, ironic would be,
instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez,
Lopez kidnapped him.
- I think it would be ironic
if our guns didn't shoot bullets,
but instead, squirted a healing salve
that cured all wounds.
- I think it would ironic
if everyone was made of iron.
- Okay, we all agree that
while the current situation
is not totally ironic,
the fact that we now have
to work together is odd
in an unexpected way that
defies our normal circumstances.
Is everybody happy with that?
- Yes.
- And I just finished
reprogramming our teleporter
to take us directly to Lopez
and O'Malley's coordinates.
- We'll leave one member of each team
so that no one can trick anyone
and take over the canyon.
Our man will be Donut.
- We will leave Corporal Croissandwich.
- Caboose, and we will leave Sheila.
- Yeah, thanks, Guys because, you know,
if this is a trick, I'm sure I can
hold her off on my own.
- All right, we're gonna
do this one at a time then.
You first, Sarge.
- Today seems like a good
day to teleport. Geronimo!
- (indistinct)
- Hm...
- What's wrong?
- I just had a really weird feeling
that I'm never gonna see this place again.
- And that's a bad thing?
- Oh, I didn't say weird
bad. I just said weird.
- All right, it's Grif, right?
You and me'll go through together. Ready?
- After you.
- Ha, I wonder if I shoulda told the guys
that thing I heard
O'Malley say about sabotage
when I was in the cave.
Oh well.
Uh, hi.
- Stop staring at my treads, buddy.
- Geez, sorry.
(wind whooshing)
- All right, you sons o' bitches.
I'm back, and I've got some...
Hey, hey, where'd everybody go?
Do I know you? Hey, you're
the girl who killed me.
- Uh-oh.
(water rushing)
- Prepare to surrender, dirt bag.
- Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.
- Not you, moron.
Wait a minute. Where are we?
- Guys? Oh guys?
Where is everybody?
- All right, now let's just
find, where is everybody?
- Whoa, where are we? What is this place?
- Freeze! Drop your weapon!
- Uh-oh.
- I said freeze, dirt bag!
- Ow! Aw come on.
(bluesy music)
♪ Gun metal green ♪
♪ Prettiest that I've seen ♪
♪ I've nothin' to hide ♪
♪ And you've nothin' to hide ♪
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
♪ Steady and surreal ♪
♪ In a world of lost and found ♪
♪ Took out the trash ♪
♪ Paid my bills all in cash ♪
♪ Nothin' to hide ♪
♪ And it's summer outside ♪
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
♪ Steady and surreal ♪
♪ In a world of lost and found ♪
♪ Trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Though you'll keep us safe and sound ♪
♪ Sound ♪
♪ Throw me the key ♪
♪ We were already free ♪
♪ Cruisin' along ♪
♪ To a Mexican song ♪
- Hey dude, hate to
interrupt all the reading
and listenin' to the rockin' music,
but uh, movie's over, dude.
That's pretty much it.
Not much else gonna happen now.
So just, you know, turn it off.
Go enjoy the rest o' your day.
Now is the time for all
good children to cross over.
Go into the light, Carol Ann.
Thank you very much.
(bluesy music)
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪
♪ I trust you at the wheel ♪
♪ Even if we're goin' down ♪
♪ Our love is made of steel ♪
♪ Lasts us till the underground ♪