Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Incendiary Incidents - full transcript

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

(plane engine roars)

- Greetings, agents
Carolina and Washington.

The director is expecting you.

(soft music)

Dear director is in the middle
of a very important meeting.

However, I was told to let you right in.

(alarm buzzing)

- You know how I feel about that word!

Nothing is impossible.

- Okay, it's not impossible,
but launching a camera



on a rocket towards human
actors is extremely dangerous

and probably won't even work.

- (chuckles) I'm not an idiot.

I know it probably won't work,

but that just means we
have to do a lot of takes.

It may take weeks.

- (wheezing) We can't, we can't,

sweet Jesus, my chest. (coughing)

- We'll cram it in right
before we shoot the first act.

There's a defibrillator
later in the hallway, Cohan.

Or do you need me to do
that for you as well?

- Pardon me, you have guests, sir.

- If they're from the studio,

you can tell them to wait
in the fucking trash...



Oh, hey, it's Caroline and Washington.

(laughs) How the hell are you, guys?

How's the neck, Wash?

- It's okay.

- Oh, I'm so psyched you guys are here.

Let me give you the grand tour.

- (panting) No more tours.

We need to shoot scenes.

- Pretty incredible, isn't it?

I had them recreate this place
down to the very last detail.

- It's uncanny.

- We spent a lot of time here?

- You don't remember? How does that even-

- How's the shoot going?

- Oh, we've had fires, sabotage,

actors dying in strange
circumstances, food shortages,

paranormal activity,
union strikes, lawsuits.

In short, amazing!

- Are you being sarcastic?

(alarm buzzing)
- No!

See, the best movies have the
most tortured productions.

And this has been the most
torture production of all time!

Ergo, this is going to be
the best movie of all time!

- Makes sense.

- Oh, this way, you guys
are gonna love this.

Nice, huh?

- Certainly gives me the chills.

(spooky ambient music)

- This is your suit storage or what?

- Woah, you don't remember this?

- Some pieces of last year
are still a bit fuzzy.

Well, what was it?

- We were tortured here, Wash.

I am starting to think this
set visit was a mistake.

- Nonsense, we were frozen,
stuck in here for a long time.

Then Locus came.

Hey, maybe this will be good for me.

Help jog the old memory banks.

- Not that I mind the company,

but what brings you guys my way?

- It's about the Reds and Blues.

It's rather important we find them.

- Well, look no further.

Sarge and Simmons joined some weeks back.

- They're here?

We thought...

I'm not even going to
tell you what we thought.

- Which one?

Sarge?

- Nope.

- Sarge?

- Over there.

- The art department
wanted to use mannequins.

Sarge?

Sarge, you can talk now.

Simon says you can talk now, Sarge.

- Oh, hey, hey, what's crack-a-lackin?

How's the neck, Wash?

- It's fine.

- If you came here looking
for a walk on, get in line!

- Sarge, I know this sounds
silly, but for a while we were

actually convinced you were lost in time.

- Lost? (laughs) Never!

I merely had to ask for
directions once or twice.

- Oh, what?

- Sarge, do you have a time machine?

- Nah.
- Thank God.

- I left it with Simmons, back this way.

(Higgins singing)

(birds chirping)

- Sparky, what did we say about noise?

- We said no talking, this
is more of a hum sing.

- Well, none of that either.

New rule-

- Rules, rules, rules, you're like Atlus.

- (sighs) Is Atlus that
thing that attacked us?

- No, that was Kalirama, his wife.

She's scary.

I thought you didn't wanna
talk about god stuff.

- I don't.

But they're not like god gods, right?

- They're god gods.

- Bullshit.

- They're immortal creatures
of vast power and wisdom.

What do you call that?

- Powerful Aliens something, something.

- Something, something, god gods?

- Whatever.

- The really old stories,
the myths of my race say that

back when we were little
more than patterns

of flashing light in a Celestial Nebula,

the Cosmic Powers came to us.

They even looked like us,
but bigger and more awesome!

And they gave us language, and
religion, and art, and war.

They probably did that to you too.

They made you!

- No one made me, I made me.

- I'm talking about the greater human you.

You all, y'all, all y'all!

- What did we say about Southern accents?

- That their dang wicked
awesome there, partner.

(both laughing) (Grif clears throat)

(crickets chirping) (gentle music)

- So then, I killed
both those guys, right?

But then, Hans is all like,

"I have your wife, Mister McClain."

And by the way, that was
my old name, John McClain.

- Whoa!

- Anyway, he made me meet him upstairs.

So I go up there, hands up behind my head,

like, "Oh, no, I'ma surrender."

- Oh no, oh no, oh no.

- Then I reached behind my
back where I taped this pistol.

I grabbed the gun and I
was all like, "Yippee-"

- Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

- You've seen "Die Hard?"

- Oh, yeah, I didn't wanna
interrupt your story.

But my uncle has a cameo in that movie.

He's on the headlight
of the bad guy's truck.

- It just keeps happening.

I get a few moments rest and
then we go on another thing,

and another thing, it never ends.

- And how does that make you feel?

- Like a pinball trapped
in a never ending cycle

of shenanigans adventures.

It's like my hell.

- So back when I was
totally creeping on you,

I heard you talked to your
BFF about preemptive laziness?

- What a disaster.

- Duh! You tried to outsmart Destiny.

She's way too smart for that.

- Huggins, I don't believe in destiny.

- That's silly, you should meet her.

She's got a wicked sense of humor.

- Whoa! That's it?

We reached the end of the world.

- That's just the English channel.

By the way, can you swim?

- (laughing) No.

- Plan B then.

How well does your suit recycle air?

(gentle music)

All I'm saying is this,

sometimes when I'm zipping around space

going really, really fast,

I have to go through clouds of gross gas.

Yuck, I could go around or try
to think about something else

or whine and complain,
and bitch, like you.

- Okay!

- But, it's best to just
focus on getting through it

as fast as possible.

- What are you saying?

- We're both stuck in gross gas right now.

- You got no idea, buddy.

I'm trying to hold it in.

- Metaphorical gas!

We need to find a shortcut out.

- You're talking about work!

- Don't think about it as work.

Think about it as a proactive laziness.

(Grif gagging)

- Yeah, probably won't work.

- No, no, not that, it's
another one crept out. (gagging)

- Gross!

- I'ma fart submarine, bloop, bloop.

- Oh, nasty!

- The smell is so intense.

I think it's become sentient.

- (grunts) Sentient smells are the worst!

- I can never tell when you're joking.

(gentle music) (eagle screeching)

(objects clacking)

- Sorry, I know it's around somewhere.

(objects clacking)

Ah, here it is, found it.

(gun whirring)

Here we go.

Oh, wow! This is where it happens!

- What?

- You know what, forget about it.

All right, so this is our time machine.

What? You wanna hold it or something?

- What's the gag here?

How's this joke end?

- No jokes! That's our magic gun!

It opens up donut holes to the past.

- Oh, bullshit.

- Yeah, I know what happens next.

We prove it to you.

Bingo!

(gun whirring) (time portal buzzes)

Hey, Simmons.

- Whoa, cool! It's me!

Hi, me!

- Hi, I'm you from the future.

- Neat! What's up, future me?

Did you come to warn me
about the terrible mistakes

I'm about to make?

- Nope, I'm just showing
Carolina, Wash, and Jax

that time travel is real.

- Oh, Wash, you're okay, thank goodness!

How's the neck?

- It's fine.

- Yo, Sarge, Wash is okay!
He said his neck is fine.

- [Sarge] Good luck! I
said what's crack-a-lackin.

He'll get it, it's a thing between us.

- I'm sure they can hear you, Sarge.

- See, time travel.

This is me and Sarge a few weeks ago.

Or a few thousand years ago,

depending on how you wanna look at it.

You see, we were recruiting
some new Reds in Troy.

- Sarge is trying to recruit Achilles

but we're having some language issues.

Now, Sarge is trying to get through to him

by pretending to be Zeus.

- [Sarge] I'm the King of the Gods,

you primitive screwheads!

And this is my boomstick!

(gunshot) (Sarge laughs)

- This is weird.

I remember this conversation
from the other side.

- I agree, this is weird.

Hey, future Simmons, can
you give me some hints

on how we can recruit this Achilles guy?

He's a real dick.

- It never happens.

I get frustrated and stab him in the foot.

- Great idea, me!

- I can feel my brain melting.

(man screaming)

- [Sarge] I stabbed him
in the foot, Simmons!

(laughs) Let's boogie!

- Well, looks like we gotta run.

(portal whirring)

- I don't know how to process this.

- Amazing! Time travel is real?

I have so many questions!

Wait, that's not his stage name.

- Yeah, (chuckles) and your new ID

is actually George Washington.

- And that dead dude, Alex?

- Alexander, the overrated!

I mean, who dies of the common cold?

Can't even conquer the sniffles.

- Yeah, turns out his immune system

couldn't handle modern germs, whoops.

- Oh my God! I have so many questions!

- Jax, we were hoping you'd have answers.

Dylan said you are an expert

on the subject of time travel.

- Yeah, I hate to burst your bubble,

but you really shouldn't
go down that rabbit hole.

Time travel is beyond comprehension.

It's just beyond science.

- Nonsense, just because
science can't explain it,

doesn't mean science fiction can't.

We just have to figure out
what type of time travel

we're dealing with.

- How many types are there?

- Two, kinda, three-ish.

(soft music)

You can sort time travel movies

by how they deal with paradoxes.

See, a paradox is a
contradiction in reality.

Say for instance, you go back in time

and kill your younger self,

or you go back in time
and prevent yourself

from time traveling in the first place.

Paradox, something
happens that can't happen.

- Sarge, Simmons, have
you guys done anything

that can't happen?

- I don't think so?

- [Jax] Movies deal with
the issue of paradoxes

a few different ways.

Most films deal with the problem
by creating a closed loop.

Like Laget, like Primer, like Kyle Reese

impregnating Sarah Connor,
maybe like Sarge telling himself

to stab Achilles in the foot.

Everything that you do in the past

is part of the same timeline.

This sort of travel makes
the most logical sense,

but there are really
troubling free will issues.

The other type of time travel

is the alternate reality theory.

According to that, when
you travel through time,

you're actually creating
another reality or universe,

like in the J.J. Abrams'
"Star Trek" reboot.

This method deals with the
paradox problem by ignoring it.

It also implies that a time machine

can create all the matter
and energy of a new universe.

So yeah, no freaking way!

Last and least is the flexible timeline.

Marty McFly goes back in time

and stops his parents from meeting.

He undoes his own existence,
the ultimate paradox.

But he doesn't just vanish,

instead he's got this weird
buffer period to fix it.

Why or how this buffer period exists?

Yeah, no explanation, it shouldn't.

Which brings us back to
type one, the closed loop,

the most logical kind of time travel,

but also the most terrifying.

- What did you mean about free will?

- Well, in a closed loop,

you don't really choose what you do.

You have to do what you did.

What you will do, you have to do.

You can't do anything that you won't do.

You know what I mean?

- Not even in the slightest.

- Well, basically it
means we're not in control

over our own lives.

Anything you're gonna do
with the time machine,

you're gonna do.

You don't get to choose.

- We're getting into philosophy now.

- You're saying everything
is pre-ordained by a god?

- No worry! No higher
power controls my destiny.

- Oh, oh! We can find out right now!

We can run a test on free will!

- What sort of test?

- Okay, (chuckles) here's the idea.

Sarge, after this meeting,
I want you to choose

whether or not you wanna
use your time machine

to hide inside this storage closet.

Your choice.

- Okay, I'm gonna do it!

- Nope, don't say it out loud.

- Okay, I'm not gonna do it.

- Don't tell me your choice,
just do it after the meeting.

- So I'm doing it?

- Yeah, okay.
- Make up your mind already!

- Think it to yourself.
- Right.

- And do that thing afterward.
- I'm thinking to myself,

I'll hide in the storage closet.

- Nope, jus think it.

- Am I doing it or not?

- Not out loud.

- I'm gonna ace this test.

- Right, so right now, one of
us is gonna open this door.

Now if time traveling
Sarge is on the other side,

he has to go back.

If he isn't on the other
side, then he can't go back.

So-
- It's like Schrödinger's cat.

(ominous music)

- Kinda.

- So, this test is going
to prove or disprove

the very existence of free will?

- Yup.

(suspenseful music)

So who wants to open that door?

- No fucking way.

- No thank you.

- Hell no!

- (laughs) Well, I'm not doing it.

- I'm not afraid.

(suspenseful music)

Well, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

(suspenseful music)

Fuck it, here we go.

(door hisses)

(all grunt)

- Ah, hello.

(gentle music)

- [Caboose] Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to my vacation photos.

Gentlemen, hold on to your butts.

Ladies, hold on to whatever
girls have instead of butts.

Is it a tail? Is that what it is?

This is the one for when I
found a guy that shoots doors

and went through the
doors and had a good time

with my friend, Lopez.

- [Man] Load the armor.

- Yeah, it all started because
I needed my chunky pay,

started fixed interest savings account.

I think Grif told me
to go buy some donuts.

So I went to a donut shop and
a guy named Gavrilo Principal

asked to borrow my gun.

I said, okay.

Yeah, then there was a lot of yelling.

So we left and went here.

I was really tired,

so I asked Shelly for two cups of coffee.

Yeah I did, I totally sneezed on that guy.

Yeah, then we asked some
monkeys if they'd seen my penny,

but it turned out they were mean monkeys.

If they turn and come back
I'll beat 'em! With a stick!

I hope they learned their lesson.

Oh yeah! Then I met some
really really ugly people

and helped name their company.

I think it will stick!

Agh! God, those guys were ugly!

And then, we met some really hairy guys!

Oh, the hairy guys looked so cold,

I started a fire for them!

The hairy guys are now my friends!

And then me and the hairy
guys started a band!

I was teaching them how to
play, We Didn't Start the Fire,

when I caught on fire.

Yeah, this part I was on fire.

Yeah, let's skip that part.

Skip, skip, skip, skip.

Then I found my friends.

The end.

(light switch clicks)

- Well, that changes literally everything.

- I'm gonna need some
time to process this.

10, 15 years should be enough.

- Told you so.

- At least we're still
standing here, right?

Caboose didn't erase anybody.

- Yeah, (chuckles) that we know of.

It is a good point though.

Caboose's travels in time-

- In time for what? Am I late?

- Time travels, Caboose.

- Sure it does, really
makes you think, circles.

- As I was saying-

- Pardon, dear director.

We're all set up and waiting for you.

- Cancel the shoot, this
is way too important.

- Understood, we shall
shoot the maiming scene

another day, I guess.

- Whoa! We're up to that?

Fuck yeah, time travel can wait.

Okay, wait, real quick.

There's still one more
piece to this puzzle.

- The paradox question.

- Right, so far, all the time traveling

can still be explained away
by a really weird closed loop.

No one's done anything that
would prevent themselves

from traveling in time in the first place.

If you do that, let me know what happens.

If there's still a me, and
there's still a happens.

(ambient music)

- Speaking of closed loops,
my migraine has a migraine.

I'll see you guys later,
I'm gonna grab some shuteye.

- [Man] Lord, please, I bring news.

(soft music)

- The news? Boring, skip.

- Sire, the French have
landed of Cornwall.

- Sweet! About frigging time.

Did they bring everything I asked for?

- I don't believe so, your grace.

It appears to be an invasion.

We must raise an army at once.

- (scoffs) An army.

Let the military worry about armies, okay?

- But we are...

Sire, I shan't stand here and watch

as the noble land of Camelot-

- (clears throat) Camelto.

- Camelto is overrun by the French!

I refuse-

(gun whirring)

Excalibur, blessed be the sword of swords!

- That's what I thought, are we done?

- No, your grace, there
is one of the matter.

Thou hath a visitor.

He insults thee to any
fellow that listens.

- What! What does he sayeth?

- He sayeth, Tucker is a butt, a dildo.

That he has a dildo up the butt.

- What!

- He sayeth, thou cannot
maintain an erection,

hath dubbed this condition wangxiety.

- But you told him I am king, right?

- Verily, he counted...

(clears throat) Perhaps thou
art the king of masturbating,

(knights laughing)

Jack of all-offs, Master of Bates,

and a Cockbite of the highest order.

- Kill him! Kill this guy!

Off with his head!

- (snickers) Yes, sire.

- Cockbite, cockbite!

Oh, god damn it!

(gentle music)
(birds chirping)

What the fuck are you doing here?

- We happened to be in the neighborhood.

- Yeah? Neat.

What's with the glowing thing?

- Huggins, has a name.

♪ It's Huggins ♪

- Sorry, I'm late, I got waylaid.

(gasps) Hey, brother, when did you pop in?

- We happened to be in the neighborhood.

- What brings you to my kingdom, losers?

Need a knighthood? Perhaps a circumcision?

- Knock it off.

- Come on, what'll it be? A Baron?

Baron Wasteland, Lord of
the Swamp, I'm the king!

Get with it.

- The fuck is wrong with Tucker?

- Somebody doesn't take rejection well.

- God damn it! Respect me!

I hold the magic sword and
thusly I decide what's what!

My word is law!

The sun and the moon are the same thing.

Mice grow up to be dogs!

Scott Bakula's "Star Trek"

is one long weird episode
of "Quantum Leap!"

You will respect me! You will kneel!

- We can see your boner.

- I'll fire you from the trebuchet!

(ambient music)
(portal whirring)

- Oh, friends, I have
finally found you, praise be!

- Look Tucker, I didn't
cross the face of the earth

for shits and giggles.

We're all in deep.

O'Malley's back.

- Guys?

- Turns out all our time traveling,

has been doing some serious
damage to some serious shit.

- How do you know all this?

- Huggins told me.

We're working together now.

(Huggins chiming)
Power move!

- [Both] Pi-shoo!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

You can't trust that thing!

She's working for the bad guy!

- (scoffs) I am not a bad guy!

- It's Donut who's playing
for the other team.

- How dare you!

- I have two questions.

Are you seeing anyone? Do you like girls?

- I go both ways, I'm
a particle and a wave.

Physics joke. (chuckles)

- What the fuck is going on?

I was thinking about
some important king shit

and lost the thread.

- Yeah, turns out,
Donut's finger quotes god

is actually the new big bad.

He gave us time machine
so that we'd ruin history.

- We haven't ruined history.

- You declared war on France!

- They had it coming!

Those fancy fucks eat snails.

- To save the future,
we must fix the past!

That's the mission God gave us.

- It is vague, isn't it?

- Like starve a cold, feed a fever?

Save a future, fix the past.

- It was meant to be hazy, so
you don't go and do whatever!

- Not true! Listen to me!

- Why would we ever do that?

- Right, how silly of me

to think my friends
would ever be on my side.

Fine! Die.

(portal buzzing)
See if I care.

- Oh, I feel bad.

I think we hurt his feelings.

(suit clashing)
(suspenseful music)

- Lord! (pants)

Milady.

(Sister giggles)

The French are at the gates!

They are laying scenes to Camelto!

- (grunts) We don't have
time for an action scene.

Let's just go.

- Leave? Now?

- I'm not going anywhere.

Friends, companions, douche knuckles,

I may not have been the greatest king,

but I would never abandoned my
people in their time of need.

Lancelot, mount my steed!

I shall lead the charge myself.

- Right away, sir!

- Did you really mean that?

- Hell no, let's bail.

(gentle music)
(eagle screeching)

- Ah, there you are.

Follow me please, you're
late for your big moment.

- Hey!

(alarm ringing)

(people chattering)

(alarm ringing)

- Ah, no need, I'm already rigged up.

I prefer to do my own stunts.

- Excuse me?

- Clear the set!

(alarm ringing)
Places everyone!

(footsteps pattering)

- What's my motivation here, Jax?

- So you're this dashing action hero guy,

who pulls the whole team together.

- Right.
- You are awesome,

charismatic, funny,
brave, basically perfect.

And it all goes to shit

when you're shot in the neck a bunch.

Action!

(blood squirts) (body thuds)

Cut!
(alarm ringing)

What is this? A freaking Disney movie?

I said I wanted blood.

Give me blood! Action!

(blood squirts) (body thuds)

(alarm ringing)
What was that?

A fucking paper cut?

Come on! Action!

(blood squirts) (alarm ringing)

Action!

(blood squirts) (alarm ringing)

Action! Action!

(blood squirts) (alarm ringing)

Wash! What the hell are you doing?

(blood squirts) (alarm ringing)

Wash! Get down! Get down!

(suspenseful ambient
music) (alarm ringing)

Get down!

- [Carolina] Hey.
- Huh?

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'd be more fine if
people gave me some space.

(gentle music)

- Damn it.

(portal buzzing)

- (grunts) Dang it!

- Tsk, tsk, language, Donut. (laughs)

- What are you doing here?

- Same thing as you, my brother.

And if I were you, I certainly
won't keep him waiting.

(doors opens)

(ambient music)

- [Chrovos] Donut, come closer.

- Ah, actually I'm really cool right here.

I tweaked with my ankle

and I can hear everything really well, so-

- [Chrovos] Have faith.

- I'm-
- [Chrovos] Walk.

- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Don't look down, don't look
down. (inhales) (exhales)

- [Chrovos] I would never let
any harm come to you, child.

- You're my father?

Oh my, that makes me fabulous Jesus!

- [Chrovos] All are my children.

Everything that exists.

- Everything.
- [Chrovos] Everything.

- I got sick one time

from a piece of old gum in eighth grade.

- [Chrovos] I know what you're getting at,

and yes I am that gum's father.

- Amazing.

- [Chrovos] Donut, something troubles you.

It's your friends.

- Yeah, they're such jerks.

- [Chrovos] Indeed, they are jerks.

I'm sorry to say they
will betray you, Donut.

- Betray? No, they're my friends!

- [Chrovos] Name one
nice thing they've done.

- Ah! I got sick once and
Grif made me a sandwich!

Oh, but then he ate the
sandwich in front of me.

- [Chrovos] Donut, look at me.

I would never eat your sandwich.

Your friends have chosen the
wrong side, but I am merciful.

You may still save them.

- And they'd all be nice to me?

- [Chrovos] Donut, I
will spare your friends.

Return to them now.

But when you do, there's one thing.

One thing you must do for me.

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Okay, Huggins.

Lord, I come with news of the Shisno.

Lord, I come with news of the Shisno.

Lord, I come with...

God, I...

Fuck! I come with news of the Shisno!

- We are waiting.

- I've made progress, Lord Atlus!

- Ah! You've smashed them to dust!

- I don't have hands, my Lord.

- Then why even bother standing before me?

- I can't actually stand, Lord Atlus.

- You too? I can't stand him either!

- I have spoken to the
Shisno, Your Mightiness, and-

- What?

- We had a chat.

- A what?

- A chat? A chit-chat?

- You spoke with the Shisno?

- Oh, this is going to be good.

- I had no choice, Lord Atlus.

We can't harm them and they
don't know what they're doing.

I thought we could reason with them.

- You speak to the Cosmic
Powers, flashlight!

These mortals are insects to
be stepped on, not debated.

- You look like a flashlight
too, but whatever.

Please! Lords, ladies,
it is hard to swallow.

The truth often is.

To save ourselves, we must
invite the mortals to parlay

and convince them to stop.

If I am mistaken, Lord Atlus,
I welcome your punishment.

- (grunts) I must think.

- You better not go off
turning into a swan.

- Oh, you mean my one outlet?

Why even be god of gods.

(groans) Zap! Shazam!

(thunder roars)

Lighting bolt! Zanzibar! Boom-shaka-laka!

(thunder roars)

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

- So this is where you go.

(ambient music)

- I do not speak to mortals.

- As goddess of death,
nothing would please me more

than to annihilate these Shisno.

But as goddess of war,

I feel our best strategy is diplomacy.

- Diplomacy! I could uproot
a tree with one eyelid!

- Which is impressive and
utterly irrelevant, dear.

It feels dirty, but we must
entertain these mortals.

(Atlus growls)

Also, Huggins has not
gathered all of the mortals.

We must convince these three to allow us

an audience with the others.

(Atlus grunts) (thunder roars)

(Atlus cries)

(soft music)

Let it out.

(Atlus cries)

There you go.

(Atlus sniffles)

- Fine, invite the Shisno
to parlay, I will awe them.

Convince them!

Appeal to their basest desires.

- Yes, speaking of, I'm a little jealous

of that moon right now.

- Oh! Oh, really.

- Smite me?

- Huggins? Huggins, I've changed my mind!

We will meet in, 10?

20 minutes!

(gentle music)

- So, how was Italy?

- Doc betrayed me.

- Oh, right.

- With his vegan gluten-free abomination!

- And then he stole your time gun?

- My what?

- Good news, they're excited to meet you,

and aren't conflicted about it whatsoever!

- [Tucker] What happened to the moon?

- Now, before we go, no.

Now, before they show up,

I want to warn you all that the gods

are super easy to offend.

You guys need to have
court etiquette, yeah?

- (chuckles) I'm a lady.

- You're there to hear them out.

So, let's just everybody be cool.

- We'll be on our best behavior.

- Okay, good. (laughs)

We're ready!

(time buzzing) (foot thuds)

My Lords and ladies, I present to you the-

- So, we finally meet!

(eagle screeching)
Again.

This time, king to king.

- Tucker, what are you doing?

- I'm not digging the size
differential, if I'm honest.

Make me as big as you.

- Lord, I apologize.

- Very well, you may
share my stature, Shisno,

here on this neutral ground.

- Rad, I'm huge!

- Now me!

- I wanna be a 50 foot woman!

- No! There's no room.

(seagulls squawking)

- I'd like to formally complain!

- Fee-fi-fuck off, Grif!

- Hey, why can't you both shrink?

- Never! I am Atlus!

- Dear, it's just for the meeting.

- I do not shrink!

- So when you turn into a swan,

is that swan just ridiculously big?

- That's different and also private, fine.

(quirky music)

- [Tucker] Lame!

- Let us discuss the matters at hand.

- Did your voice get smaller?

- A generous compromise.

The pantheon of the
gods desires an audience

with the rest of the Shisno.

- In exchange for this, O Mighty-

- [Higgins] Atlus.

- Atlus, we would like to
be granted a wishes three!

- Me first! I want an 80-foot dong!

- [Higgins] Oh my God.

- He does not speak for us!

Three feet is enough for any woman.

- Huggins, explain this!

- A thousand pardons, my
Lord, I told them not to-

- I mean explain what he is saying.

Does anyone know?

- They think us genies.

They're asking to have wishes granted.

- Oh, straight to it, very well.

Then let us bargain!

What do you desire? Three wishes?

Is that total?

- Yeah, total! Exactly three!

- Tucker, you idiot! We
could've had three each.

- Okay, I wish for an
80-foot dong, three times!

- You realize what is offered, surely?

Immortality, riches!

The universe itself is yours to plunder!

- Oh, fuck, can I change my order?

- Yes.

- I want a 200-foot dong!

- Okay, I am sorry, what is that?

- His penis.

- Oh, man after my own heart.

- I wish for an energy sword
just like Tucker's, but longer!

- Ah, simple, it's done.

- What? Ha-yow!
(sword swooshes)

- I wish for him to not have a sword!

- You bastard! I wish for my sword back!

That's three, dickhead!

- Three wishes, it is done.

- The fuck?

- Hey, I didn't get a wish!

- Don't you get enough dong?

- It's funny because she's a hussy.

- In return for this boon, you
will gather the other Shisno.

We will discuss matters further,

including any other dong-related upgrades.

And Huggins, good work.

- Oh, thank you, Lord Atlus! (chuckles)

(time portal buzzes)

- Cha! Ha-cha, ha, don't be a sword loser!

(sword swooshes)

Stab you very much!

(soft music)

Glad I finally got a slice!

- (sighs) This is some bullshit.

- Cutting pun.

- You're telling me, dick.

- Have a knife day!
- What'd I do?

- Dagger nice day! Stab a slice day!

I can do this forever!

- Tell you what, take a few
hours to think about it.

(time portal buzzes) (gentle music)

- (indistinct) Don't be blade for school!

Shanks a lot! You like my screen saber?

- So, did you think?

- Oh, I sure did.

It's nice to just think
for the hell of it.

I'm feeling real mindful.

- That's not what I meant!

- So first I thought, "Hey,
I'm hungry for cookies!"

I ate a cookie with some earbuds in,

and it sounded like being
inside a snow boot, it was cool.

- Tucker.

- Then I thought,

"Hey, it's real fucked
up we haven't shared

the tech behind unlimited salad bars

with developing countries.

Then I wondered, if
sloths have a mating yawn.

- (groans) Whatever! Forget it.

(ambient music)

After today, the gang will be whole again.

No more Sis and Tuck's
Excellent Adventure.

No more us.

- Good.

- I guess.

- What was the point?

- (laughs) Beats me.

- You must really hate me.

- Tucker, you idiot, I don't hate you.

- Are you sure?

You've managed to sleep around constantly,

and still be like-

- Be what?

- Still be like not sleeping around.

- I don't follow.

- It's just like-
- What?

- You've just kinda-

- Tucker, spit it out!

- You've been just frigid, I don't know.

- What? Seriously?

- I take it back?

- I was just gonna be quietly
disappointed in you, Tucker.

But fuck you, you half a person.

- Name-calling.

- You really showed
your colors today, dude.

You were the fucking king of England,

but that wasn't enough.

You wanted your best
friends to kneel, too.

- And they wouldn't! That
counts for something.

- You crushed multiple
lifelong fantasies of mine

with multiple horses.

You stopped me from having
literal magic wishes.

- That wish thing was mostly Grif.

- I'm not frigid at all,
I just won't do you!

And it hurts your big gross ego.

Do you realize how narcissistic you are?

I mean, do you even know?

- Please, tell me.

- Let's take a look at your
whole sex-obsessed thing,

shall we?

You're all about filling holes, right?

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

- Damn straight.

- The big hole in your confidence, huh?

And you throw women at it to plug it up.

And they never touch the sides, do they?

- Hey!

- You think you're a sexual person?

Dude, fuck off, I am a sexual person.

I love to feel.

I've fucked in the eye of a tornado.

One time, I jilled it 'til
I got a friction scar.

I kissed a girl at New Years so hard,

she was wearing my heart-shaped
glasses afterwards!

I love it!

You love you.

And like an idiot, I actually
saw something in you.

Something more than physical.

I thought, I hoped, maybe
you might realize that

if you had a few hours to reflect.

But big surprise,

a reflection only made
you love yourself more.

- (sighs) Damn, that must've really,

cut you to the bone!

(sword buzzes)

Zow! Sword, sword, sword!

(ambient music)

(waves crashing)

- Take off your suit.

(Carolina sighs)

(Wash and Carolina kiss)

(moans) I wanna be in you like an AI.

(Carolina moans) (both kissing)

- Jesus, dare I even ask?

- Jax, wanted more sex
appeal in the movie.

- Oh, shit, yeah!

Let me get in on this!

- And cut!

(alarm ringing)
Another amazing take.

Did you get that?
- [Man] And that's a wrap,

good job!
- [Man] Yeah.

- Moving on!

- Friends and fellow citizens,

that is wrap on the carwash
loving making vignette.

(alarm ringing)

A Unit is shooting Grimmons next.

- [Man] Oh, yeah.
- B Unit proceeds straight

to the highway chase.

- Dang it!

- Hey, Kaikaina, when did you get here?

- Just showed up with Tucker and Grif.

Come on!

(eagle screeching)
(gentle music)

(waves crashing)

- Hey.
- Hey!

- No way!

- Yeah, dude.

- No way! (chuckles)

- Yeah, buddy, I'm gonna need your help

coming up with some more sword puns.

Mine are getting a bit dull!

- I hope I can cut it.

- Hey, hey, hey! The great reunion!

Minnie, you're on white.

Greg, you're on type 50.

You miss a fucking word and you swim home!

- Oh, what's this now?

- It's just a documentary crew,

here to film my meteoric
rise to super-stardom.

Movies within movies.

We're getting meta.

- Right.

- So...
(time portal buzzes)

- Aw! You guys are doing a
beach episode without me?

- What do you want, Donut?

If you're here to try and stop us-

- Not at all, I'm here to help!

Everyone, there's something
I need to get off my chest.

- Save it.

- No, guys, I'm super duper sorry.

This whole sticky mess, it's on me.

All over me!

I've screwed each and
every one of you deep

with no protection.

And now I've come to help pull out

before we're all truly boned!

From now on, nothing
comes before my friends.

They come first and they come second,

they come third, they come fourth-

- We get it!

- So Grif, (sighs) what's
that plan of yours?

- Me and Tucker and Sister have
been talking to some folks.

And these folks have been saying

that all of our time traveling is bad.

They wanna meet about it
and convince us to stop.

- Who are these people you're talking to?

- Not people.

- Aliens?

- Let's call them aliens.

- They're gods!
- What?

- We leave you alone for five
minutes and you piss off God?

- Gods, there's a shit ton of them.

- It doesn't matter what they are, okay?

Or how many.

They wanna tell us
what's actually going on,

and I think we should hear them out.

(bright music)

- So, first we meet Grif,

and Grif sets up a meeting with the gods.

And at that meeting,
we set up this meeting

which is all about setting
up another meeting.

Fuck everything about this!

I'm supposed to be on vacation.

Great, everyone knows what's going on now.

Can we go?

- Absolutely not!

Tell our Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost to shut it!

Routine will not forfeit
technical superiority

over the past!

God can take my magic gun...

Damn it, take two.

God can take my magic gun,

when he pries it from
my cold dead fingers.

- I had a feeling Sarge was
gonna be a stick in the mud.

Time for a new tactic: lying.

No one's asking you to give up

your time machine Sarge, okay?

Of course, you can keep
it, they just wanna chat.

- These beings you're talking
about, you really trust them?

- I trust one of them.

Huggins saved my life and
she vouchers for the rest.

- Fun fact, Huggins is
a sentient lint flair.

- This is finally making sense.

- Anywho, they can't hurt us.

We all have some kind of
shield against their magic.

- Why?
- 'Cause,

we're unwilling agents of
some all-powerful time god.

- Last time I was an agent,
at least I got dental.

- God can't kill you,
that's full coverage.

- What if they found a
way around this shield?

- Honestly, this is the
best I've felt in ages.

Hanging out with the guys
again, in way over our heads,

it's what I was made for.

- What if this is some trap,

get us all together in one place?

- I don't think it's a trap.

- But how do you know?

- I got a sixth sense
for when someone's lying

to get in my pants, and
they ain't settin' it off!

- So Grif, these god
beings are saying that

time travel is bad?

- Yeah, it does damage to
the timelines or whatever.

- Bad for the timelines,
but not bad for us.

- What are you saying?

- I'm just trying to
figure out if time travel

is some of monkey's paw,

that's always gonna blow up in our faces.

- Huggins said so.

- But can we prove that's true?

And I say we test the idea.

- Don't you have better things to do?

Don't we have better things to do?

- If we're going to meet these gods,

the more intelligence we have, the better.

- I propose, that I
create a unified timeline

of all your time travels.

We look at that big picture
and we will learn the truth.

- Jax is so smart.

He's talented, he's funny.

The way he sees the world,
his vision, his voice.

I feel so privileged to be
in the presence of the man.

(soft music)

- Again, this time,

(gun cocking)
like you mean it!

- Jax is so smart-

- So all we need are
interviews with everybody.

It'll take no time.

We'll squeeze it in right before we shoot

the giant mech sequence.

- Screen time, you say?

Count me in.

- (sighs) I'll go get my resume.

(gentle piano music) (eagle screeching)

- So, of course, Sarge decided

he's gonna use the time machine to fix it.

- But that didn't work.

- And next thing I know, I
got JFK brains on my visor.

- Interesting.

(marker squeaking)

- Yes! Thank you for having me.

Yes, my greatest obstacles and challenges

for me to overcome are definitely

babies, gravity, taxes,
and Chinese finger traps.

- Then, I tried to convince
Caesar to invent pizza,

since he's a foodie
with that salad and all.

Didn't go great though.

Knives were exchanged-

(marker squeaking)
- On the other hand,

Chrovos saved my life,

and he's treated me with more respect

than the Reds and Blues ever have!

But on the other hand,
Reds and Blues are, well...

They are...

I actually think the other hand is empty.

- Yes. (grunts)

Where I see myself in 10 years? (grunts)

Yes, well, I definitely would not be stuck

in any sort of eastern
appendage experiments.

(grunts) (Chinese finger trap stretching)

- All right, here's what I got
everyone, the final verdict.

Time travel has backfired
every time that it was used

to fix a personal
mistake, to repair pride,

embarrassment, the loss
of something valuable.

However, that doesn't
mean that time travel

is some monkey's paw, something
that will always backfire.

Case in point, I've been
using Sarge's time machine

for weeks with no negative consequences.

- What?

- Time travel isn't good or bad.

Now, in terms of our unified timeline...

(cloth flaps)

- (laughs) Perfect!

- Oh yeah! (laughs)

- What?

- You've drawn a dick, dude. (chuckles)

- Mine's bigger.

- No, (chuckles) it's a science!

- Your science looks like
a one-eyed trouser snake.

- Great, now that we've
gotten all that out,

it's time we stopped spinning our wheels.

I, for one, vote we go meet with the gods

and talk this through.

- If Grif thinks that's
a good idea, I'm in.

(tuts) I can't believe I just
said that without sarcasm.

- Yeah, I'm waiting to
hear back about a job,

but yeah, okay.

- I still have questions.

Mainly, what does any of this have to do

with finding Church?

- What?

- His distress call, the help
me Obi-Wan Kenobi message.

That's the whole reason we're here.

What do gods have to do with Church?

(soft music)

- That was a different thing.

- He's kidding.

Right, Wash?

Just pointing out how absurd this is.

- Right.

(time portal buzzing)

- Now as for me, I've been
using the time machine to recast

all the major roles of
the "Red vs. Blue" movie.

(tape rolling) (computer beeps)

- Well, pal, I hope
you brought your wallet

because rent in hell gets paid in advance.

- What'd tell ya,

I get no respect-
- It's bullshit,

I did not hit her.

I did not.

Oh, Hi Grif.
- For the last time,

I'm not Grif, man.

I'm the Dude.
- Bow-chicka-wow-bow.

(indistinct) One more time.

Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

What is it? What's the line?

Feed it to me.

- Brilliant, and unlike
like everyone else,

it hasn't backfired one iota-

- Hey, Jax, I just got off
the phone with the studio.

They took a look at the new casting

and they killed the funding!

We're done! I'm free!

- Ah, whatever!

If they've got the funding,

we'll just raise the money ourselves.

I happened to know some
people with a time machine.

Oh, fuck!

(tense music)

- It has been many eons

since mortals were allowed
audience here, on Starseeds,

the seat of the Cosmic Powers.

I, King Atlus Arcadium Rex-
- [Jax] Hey, guys!

Yeah, can I borrow your time machine?

Oh, nice water fixtures.

(Atlus grunts) (weapon whirring)

(Jax screams)

- Contact!

- Take cover!
- Everyone, calm down!

Temper, honey, I think they knew him.

- That mortal idiot interrupted me.

I'm sorry, I smited your
mortal idiot friend.

- No harm, no foul.

- (groans) It was my primary weapon.

Don't look at it.

- This is god?

- Yes, Atlus is the king
of the Cosmic Powers.

I am Kalirama, his queen.

- You're married!

- Whoa, wait a second.

Didn't you call her your sister earlier?

- Yes.

- So which is it? Sister or wife?

- Yes.

- Gross!

- This is some "Game of Thrones" shit.

- I'm Genkins, with a G!

I love posting spoilers on YouTube.

At the end of the next one,
the pink guy steals the hammer!

- I am Burnstorm, master
builder of the gods.

- (chuckles) What?

- I'm King Tucker, breaker of headboard.

- I'm Simmons, wizard of science.

- And I am Simmons, I'm not Simmons.

- I am Sarge, lord of the twin flag.

- And I'm...

Come back to me.

- I'm Kaikaina, and I like to party.

♪ Ah, Dexter Grif, he who
must not be messed with ♪

- [Higgins] Yeah, boy!

- Sup, Hugs?

(speaking Spanish)

- I'm Carolina, and this is Wash.

Now, to matters at hand.

- Spoil sport, I had a
good one percolating.

- How about you?

Start at the beginning.

- The beginning?

(laughs) Very well.

(dramatic suspenseful music)

The very beginning.

(gentle suspenseful music)

Without time, there is no beginning.

So there was nothing before the word.

(all agents groans)

- [Grif] Give me a break.

- What?

- In the beginning was the word?

If you bring out a guitar, I am done.

- The word became complicated,
expanded, unfolded,

and birthed the first of the primal forces

of our father, Chrovos.

He, who could control time.

- (scoffs) Do we really need all of this?

- Chrovos set himself
upon a great undertaking.

A project of galactic proportions.

He created the Cosmic Powers

and enslaved us to do his bidding.

- What project could possibly be so big?

- Some things are beyond
even our infinite wisdom.

We only know our small
part in the grand design.

- So, where are the Titans now?

- We rebelled against our masters.

Many were lost, but the
Titans were deposed,

killed, banished, or imprisoned.

- I constructed a labyrinth.

Inside this black hole,

at its core sits a prison, a treadmill.

- I convinced Chrovos to give it a spin.

He got stuck!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's walking forwards
forever, but in one spot?

- Exactly.

- All right, Satan.

- All right, let me get this straight.

You are the dirty so-and-sos responsible

for upsetting the balance of
power in the entire universe?

- Yes, but Chrovos was-
- I'm not talking about that.

Why's Grif got a sword?

- 'Cause I'm so cha-hoo clever.

- Give me one.

- Here we go again.

- (growls) Who else?

- Can I-
- Yo!

- Me.
(indistinct)

- (indistinct) Have
three with three hands?

(swords buzzing)

- Gracias.

- I'm actually proud of you Caboose.

- I want that Golf Club.

- No, no, no!

- Fine!

- Glad to join the ballgame.

- Club, Caboose.

You should've said club.

- I prefer BLT but any of
those are good sandwiches.

- Could I make a request?

I'm putting a brave face on,

but I have like a suicide headache.

Can you fix that?

- We can sum it up some
Advil? Something stronger?

- Or some of that god magic?

- Okay, okay. (sighs)

We were created in part to alter
the minds of younger races,

but never directly.

Our powers can only be used on the outside

as external forces.

It is a limitation set
upon us by our maker,

and one of the many reasons
we saw fit to end his reign.

- In that case, the Advil's fine.

- (clears throat) Anywho-

- No, wait! That's it!

I finally know what you are.

- Okay, but I already said anywho.

- All this time, I've
been hung up on religion,

on aliens, but you gods,
you're actually something else.

- We are what we say we are.

- Chrovos created you to help him.

He programmed you to pose as gods

to manipulate younger races.

It's theatrics.

Your appearance, some
subjected holographic matrix.

- Whoa! Definitely not,
you're way off base on there.

- This firewall against Chrovos,

a safety he built to
keep his AIs in check.

- These are AIs?

- Huggins, Muggins, leave.

They have earned it.

- Very well.

- We have no choice, but to
trust you with this secret.

- No mystery, no magic, just
a mathematical palindrome

filled with radiation and sadness.

- Hey kids, I'm a computer!

- Now that you know the
truth, may we proceed?

- Oh, of course.

- Nice job, buddy.

- Science is good for something after all.

- In the prison, Chrovos
is weak, but not powerless.

Through dreams and inspiration,
he influenced a human

to build the machine, a time machine.

This leak in time for a moment,

made him powerful enough
to grasp at one of you.

- Me? But that was an accident.

- There are no accidents
when it comes to Chrovos,

he chose you.

- I'm gonna guess because
you're so gullible.

- Or stupid.

- Basically, an empty suit of armor

with a half decent throwing arm.

- He sucks the dumb pink
monkey back in time,

to an era where he was most powerful,

and then return to you with more machines.

- Where we done fucked it all up.

- Yes.

- What can we do to repair time?

- It's too late, the damage is done.

- You've already done his bidding.

- Yeah, I prefer buy it now.

- We've been fucking time itself.

- And tick goes the bucket list.

- Dude, do you ever stop?

We've been pulling out the
building blocks of time,

one by one.

Now it could topple over.

Do you know what that means?

- Time is, Jenga.

- [Burnstorm] There is hope still.

I, Burnstorm, master builder of the gods-

- AI.
- Of the AI, okay.

Bound Chrovos once.

We cannot trick him twice,
but we can help you.

You, unwilling agents of
Chrovos, can affect him directly.

And we are at your mercy.

- Naturally, you have a choice.

And we will not lie to you,

the path ahead is dangerous.

To stop Chrovos, you must
travel to his labyrinth.

You must fight the beasts who guard him,

defeat the ghosts of history
and demons of his underworld.

Few have made the journey,
none have survived.

- When you put it like
that, how can we say no?

- When you complete
the impossible journey,

you will meet Chrovos.

You need only use this.

(tense ethereal music)

Burnstorm constructed the
prison that holds Chrovos.

And from that same material forged...

- The Hammer.

- The Hammer?

- The Hammer, yes.

- But not like the Grand
Hammer of Power Kaboomness?

- Plus, Five Enchanted Hammer of Binding.

- Ass Tapper.

- Sister Sledge, James Blunt.

(speaking Spanish)

- Hammer Barbera.

- Sam Rockwell!

- Stop!

- Cherskaskis the Buttcracker.

- Mrs. Smash Face, Mrs.
Smash Face's Friend,

Whackman, Mrs. Whackman!

- Ooh! Valley Maker!

- No.

- Thunder Clap! This is fun.

- No! It's the Hammer.
(tense dramatic music)

The most important hammer
that has ever existed.

It's definitive, the Hammer!

- [All] Ooh!

- You should call it that.

- By striking Chrovos's
prison with the Hammer,

you reinforce his
bindings, energizing them,

topping up their mystic power.

Counter-intuitive, but
that's magic for you.

- We will leave you alone with the Hammer

as you make your decision.

And before you go.

(swords buzzing)

- God, come on!

- You can have your toys back
after you save the universe.

You can keep yours because
it's funny. (giggles)

(light buzzes)

(agents yell)

- (vomits) Oh God, it's in my helmet!

- I guess this is to give us some privacy?

- So, what do we think?

- (laughs) I agree, powerful name.

- The fight.

- Can't we just go back

and stop ourselves from time
traveling in the first place?

- Didn't Jax say that's a paradox?

- Can we go back and prevent
Jax from saying that?

- You're in denial.

Guys, the Reds and Blues did their best.

- Reds especially.

- And it's only by doing
our best, our absolute best,

and failing that we can ever truly know

exactly how much we suck.

(soft music)

You messed up, we all have regrets.

Lost friends we'd like to have around,

things we'd take back.

But these time guns can't fix us.

You use them to relieve
guilt, right wrongs,

to avoid responsibility,

but the past is done, do
better now, be better now.

Now is the only time that's ever mattered.

Ask yourself, do I make bad decisions?

How can I do better?

Who do I want to be?

- Wash, it's selfish not to time travel.

Are you saying you wouldn't go back

and stop yourself from hurting people?

- Mistakes are the dirt
we grow from, Tucker.

In the end, you can't argue
with cause and effect.

You made a mess, you need to clean it up.

(soft music)

- Yeah, that's the right thing to do.

- Well, hell!

The whole reason I joined the military

was to win a battle against god himself!

- Yeah!

- Let's take a swing at it!

- He did it, good form.

- And you're not alone.

This ain't my mess, but
I'm in to help fix it.

No matter where it takes us,

you can count on me to
fight alongside you.

- No, you're not coming.

Everything you've just said,
I should have told you, Wash.

I can't believe I let it get this far, I-

- Whoa! Slow down, it's okay.

- It's not, it's really not.

You can't come.

You can't fight!

- Carolina it's me you're talking to.

- Stop being so fucking nice!

You're sitting this one out, Wash!

I mean it.

You're on the DL.

- I'm not disabled!

- You are!

You were really hurt!

- Yeah.

- Really hurt!

(somber music)

More than I've told you.

Your gaps in memory, they're...

I mean, the frustration
you've been feeling.

Wash, I've had to watch
you struggle with it.

I should've said-

- Carolina, spit it out.

- (sighs) Your injury caused

what's known as cerebral hypoxia.

We don't know the extent of the damage,

but when you were shot in the neck,

your brain was starved of oxygen.

- For how long?

- Awhile.

- How long?

- Several minutes.

Your brain went minutes without oxygen.

(somber music)

- And did you all know?!

- No.
- Did you?!

- No!

- Was I the only one who didn't know

I have fucking brain damage?!

- Dude, we had no idea.

- I kept it from everyone, Wash.

- Including me!

- Yeah.

- How could you keep that from me?

- I just...

Look I didn't want to upset you.

- Wash!

- My brain is fuzzy and I do good.

(time portal buzzing)

- Donut?
- What are you doing?

- Gullible, stupid, and
empty suit of armor?

Thanks for making this easier, guys.

(time portal buzzing)

- Y'all need therapy.

(gentle guitar music)

Having some quiet, huh?

- Yeah, I found a weird door.

- You left it open.

- That figures, I am pretty thoughtless.

- If that's how it's gonna be, man.

- Wait, K, you...

I mean, I need to apologize.

What I called you was awful!

I wanted to cram the words
right back into my mouth.

- (sighs) I know you did.

(footsteps pattering)

I was chubby.

I mean, I still am, but
back when I was a teenager,

I didn't love it.

In high school, everyone
was screwing each other

and I wasn't ready.

And it's like you say frigid
and suddenly I'm in short pants

in Wailuku High hearing it
again for the first time.

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I know, you dummy.

- Man, I just...

I had this feeling and it kept
growing, and it was so hard.

- (snickers) Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

(Tucker chuckles)

I'm sorry too, I ate your heart.

It looks like we both
blurt out dumb things

when we feel small.

- K, I like you.

- Just like that.

- I really like you.

And maybe I went about
expressing it the wrong way.

- Maybe?

- But I still like you, regardless.

- I'm not great with feelings, Tucker.

But yeah, I think I had
feelings for you too.

- Had?

- Yeah, you snuffed them out.

- Yeah, par for the course.

Everything I touch, I fuck!

I fucked you, I fucked
England, I fucked Washington.

- Hell yeah.

- I'm being serious here!
You don't understand!

I'm responsible for his injury!

My friend! My mentor!

I did this to him!

- Come on.

- You weren't there!

I reached in like an
idiot and I got him shot.

- Oh, were you supposed to babysit

the elite killing machine?

- He was looking right
at me when it happened.

Oh, God! K, he was looking right at me!

- And what are you gonna do?

- I don't know.

- I'll tell you what you're
gonna do, mister petty party.

One of two things.

You ready?

You'll either A, do nothing.

Or B, try and save Wash and risk freeing

an all-powerful time god.

Not much of a choice, is it?

- Yep, okay, loud and clear.

We need to go back and save Wash.

- Is brain damage contagious?

- Donut has the Hammer!

It's out of the game.

- I miss you Ms. Whack-Man.

- But we have Chrovos's time
guns, and that's something.

- I feel like we already
had this conversation.

- Guys-
(Grif gasps)

- Is that the time travel? Deja vu?

- Guys, listen, we don't
have to change much.

Just a few details.

- So we ignore the gods.

- They're not gods, just AI.

- All time travel's bad to them.

They're programmed against it.

- They said that time travel is Jenga.

And I'm talking about
swapping out one more piece.

The most important piece, delicately.

- Time travel isn't Jenga.

More like operation with
a side of reality, bingo!

- The alternative is to do nothing.

- That's my line.

- And we're better than that.

- We'll do it.

(dramatic suspenseful music)

If we need justification, we have plenty.

Let's start with the past.

Your misadventures in history
have echoed through the ages.

You've caused wars, disasters,
abducted historical figures.

Compared to all that,

what's rescuing one man from one bullet?

Let's also think about what Jax said.

He used the time machine
for months without issues.

But let's not stop there,
let's think about the future.

If Loco can invent a time machine,

then someone else will
come along and do the same.

Retreating from this
battle is not a victory.

All of these reasons have
been running through my head

on a loop, but you know what?

They're meaningless.

David's hurt, we have to go.

- I get it.

- Well, when you put
it like that, yes, sir.

Sounds like a plan.

- Actually, Sarge, Tucker
is the one with the plan.

- Well, now I hate it!

- Tucker, I know you well
enough to guess your plan.

- That's insulting and sweet all at once.

Before we start, we need to be
unified in this, of one mind.

You've been awful quiet, Grif.

- Carolina's right, we have to.

He'd go for us in a heartbeat.

- [Higgins] How could you!

Nothing I said got through to you?!

- Spying much?

- Well, the gods don't trust you yet.

I can imagine why!

- I'm sorry, Hugs, he's my friend.

You wouldn't understand.

- I understand perfectly well, you Shisno!

You're going to ruin everything!

- We're not, we're going to fix it.

- You know I have to tell Atlus now.

You know he's going to bring
down this entire castle

when he finds out!

- I know, I'm sorry.

- I never should've helped
you! I'm so freaking stupid!

- We should go before she
reports what we're doing.

(water burbles)

- Bye.

- Jerks! God dang Shisno!

- Huggins! Stop!

Now what on Starseeds is so important

that you're blazing
through here like that?

- I have to tell Atlus!

The Reds and Blues are
going back in time again!

It's urgent!

- Well now, that is news.

- So? Can I go?

- Not quite. (laughs)

After all, you must be punished.

- Punished for-
(gun whirring)

What? (yells) No! No!

- No running in the halls, remember?

(tense brooding music)

- Greetings my son.

- We just saw him 10 minutes ago.

You don't need to say
greetings every time.

- It sounds cool, back me up Burnstorm.

- Yeah, super cool.

Genkins, where have you been?

- A stroll, sweet of you to worry.

I was only gone for a flush. (giggles)

- Burnstorm, how go preparations?

- Nearly finished.

The weapons and armor you
requested will be ready

by the time the Reds and
Blues agree to their mission.

- I am afraid they won't be coming.

My lords and ladies, I bare grave news.

The Reds and Blues are gone,

and Huggins is dead.

- What happened?

- I felt her spark leave
this plane of existence.

- Why?
(tense dramatic music)

Who would do such a thing?

- She must have witnessed
the Reds and Blues leaving.

Someone stopped her from warning
us until it was too late.

(Atlus screams)

- Muggins, I am so sorry.

- As am I.

She was my friend.

(tense dramatic music)

Ironic that friends who
will defend with our lives,

also often the ones we hurt.

We discover our love for them to lead.

It's presence revealed by their absence.

Their warmth felt as a sudden chill

and we are left cold and (indistinct).

She's shone as I do, but her
truest light was invisible.

It was the brightness
of her point of view.

Like a lighthouse,

she guided us towards our
saviors out of danger.

And so hope, snuffed out, was
reignited by a single spark.

All I know is this, she was my friend.

- Thank you, Muggins, well-spoken.

My husband, my king, we
must decide what we do next!

- No time seem most desperate.

We must not give up hope.

Perhaps the Reds and Blues
will succeed against all odds.

Perhaps these mortals will prevail.

- Destiny.

- May she see us through.

- No, she has come.

(soft music)

- The Fates, have come to
relieve us of our doubt.

- Our dream have ended, and
so the nightmare begins.

♪ So we wake, soon all will cease ♪

The great endeavor is lost,
all efforts mount to vanity.

- Is it truly over?

- I have seen what remains of the future.

The cup is near empty.

- Spare your riddles!
Tell us of your visions!

- All is lost.

♪ The end has come ♪

Tonight, the sun sets.

There will be no dawn.

- Smoke 'em, if you got 'em!

(gentle suspenseful music)

- We have one shot at this.

Jax's footage has given
us the precise moment.

At 1720, Wash will be hit
18 minutes from my mark.

Sync.

- [All Agents] Sync!

- 18 minutes, it's tight,

but every second we spend here

risks more damage to the past.

- We need to be surgical.

- No fucking the timeline.

- No assassinating Temple.

- Remember the butterfly effect.

Any damage we do could have
disastrous consequences.

- No killing butterflies.

- Question! (clears throat)

How do we feel about moths?

Asking for a friend.

- This won't be easy,
but we have an advantage.

We know what will happen.

As we speak, Locus is busting
me and Wash out of prison.

Then-
- I bail out Dylan and Jax,

and meet up with Locus in the hall.

- Temple and his gang flee
sometime right after that,

bringing all their dudes with them.

- The past us-es meet in the brig.

(door hisses)
From there, the hangar

where we-
- Hey! Oh, fuck!

(suspenseful music) (gun cocking)

- No gun.

(suspenseful music continues)

(suit thuds) (air swooshes)

(suit thuds)

- That, (pants) okay.

- We'll get the body out of sight.

- Good, no harm done.

Stick to the...

(gentle suspenseful music)

Stick to the plan.

(camera clicks)

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Hello? Anyone?

O'Malley?

- [Chrovos] My son, welcome home.

(portal buzzes)

(dramatic music) (door beeps)

- Locked, we can try to overide-

- No time, we go around, this way.

Wait, hide!

(footsteps pattering) (Grif sniffs)

- [Carolina] Now, Grif!

- Fuck!

- What's going-
- Ssh!

- Clear.

(footsteps pattering)

- Hey! What's up, guys?

- Hi, Wash.

- You're coming with us?

- No, we're good in here.

- (sniffs) Do you guys smell that?

- Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

- Wash! Who are you talking to?

- You.

- Come on, we've got to move.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(footsteps pattering)

- That was too close.

- My bad, I forgot we escaped this way.

Time travel's hard.

- You'll get the hang of it.

- This way, the path should be clear.

- Straight through the main complex,

and we're at the hangar.

The complex was abandoned
in our escape last time,

so there should be no resistance.

- Wait, something's wrong.

- What is it, soldier?

- What do you guys smell right now?

- We don't have time for this.

- Do it, one second.

- (sniffs) Smells like helmet.
- Food?

- Like Italian food or something.

What's your point?

- The point is gang only ate fish.

- Grif, can you stop thinking about food

for five dang minutes?

- Guys, I would know this smell anywhere.

It's pepperoni pizza
from Sammie Raphaello's.

- Sammie's was destroyed
and pizza doesn't exist.

- This can wait!

- Something or someone
has been messing with us

from the very beginning.

And whatever it is, I think it's here.

Guys, we're not the only time
travelers in the building.

- Fuck! What if it's a trap?

We can't turn back now.

- I can follow the smell, I'll go alone.

There's six of you, you can
handle the guard that shot Wash.

- I don't like this plan.

- We don't have time to debate it!

- Come on.

(suspenseful music)

I'm not one to panic easily,

but this is trouble.

You said the complex was empty.

- It was, is, should be.

This path was clear.

We'll be clear in a few minutes,

when the past us-es roll through.

We just have to wait for
these guards to leave.

- They don't look like
they're going anywhere.

We need to clear them out.

- Impossible!

I can't fight that many
without tripping the alarm.

- Well, there's no other way around!

- We wait or we fight, it's a lose lose.

- I know it seems bad, but
don't worry, I'm here to help.

- [Chrovos] Yes, my son, I am so proud.

- My friends, they were all
really mean to me, again!

- I know, and I'm sorry,
it will not happen again.

- Grif! Bubby, you came!

Get on in here, have a slice!

- What are you... (gasps)

Oh, pizza, no, no, be stronger.

(gun cocks)

- Oh please, Grif.

I'm not here to fight, I brought pizza.

It's an apology.

(tense music)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Can someone tell me what's going on?

- I think my counterpart
is from the future

and is gonna tell us how
to defeat all these guys.

- That's correct.

My advice is use what you've learned.

- That's it?

- Afraid so.

Oh, and also, you guys are gonna do great.

(time portal buzzes)

- I don't understand.

- Carolina, I think you need
to let us handle this one.

- You're the reason
Sammie's was destroyed?

You erased pizza from history?

You set us up.

- Yep! Sorry! (laughs)

- Why?!

- So you want to know my master plan!

The pizza's getting cold, Grif!

- I don't care! Talk!

Why are you doing this?!

- Because I'm bored!

(dramatic suspenseful music)

- Hey, you men!

Get over here! That's an order!

(footsteps pattering)

(agent screams) (agents thud)

(Grog's wife stomps) (agents squishes)

(Grog's wife yells) (horses neighing)

- Did you hear something?

- Sounded like a-

(horse thuds)

- (laughs) Nailed it!

- You really didn't have
to use the horse for that.

- See that guy, Caboose?

He's the one who took your penny. (yells)

- 4% interest!

(metal clanking)

(soft music)

- When I was lost, why didn't you save me?

- [Chrovos] I saw a soul
lost in time and took pity.

Now, are you ready for what's next?

(upbeat music)

- You did it, with minutes to spare.

- Great, let's boogie before
the other us-es show up.

- Wait, one more thing.

(time portal buzzing)

- Wait or we fight, it's a lose lose.

- I know it seems bad, but
don't worry, I'm here to help.

- [Chrovos] Good, good.

Now, lay down the Hammer.

Do as I say, Donut, the Hammer.

- What happens then?

- [Chrovos] When I am free,
I will begin to gain power.

I will kill the Cosmic
Powers and their agents.

- My friends?

- [Chrovos] Will be safe, I promise.

- They are...

They don't always treat me
great, they don't reciprocate.

They never treat me like a man.

- [Chrovos] I know this, I know all.

- But, they are still my friends.

- [Chrovos] Don't do this, Donut!

- You killed me, didn't you?

My getting sucked into
the past was no mistake,

you targeted me!

I'm your shisno! You're pet!

- [Chrovos] When I am
free, I will make it right.

You're suffering will not be in vain.

Now Donut, it's time for the Hammer.

- It sure is!

- Don't!

- It's not you, it's just this universe.

It's gotten so boring lately.

I think it's time we see other universes.

Weirder the ones, sexy ones,

ones where the rules aren't so mundane.

See, when I'm top dog,

things are going to get a lot weirder.

- Chrovos offered you power.

- Ultimate power! I'll be a god!

A real one! Not this charade.

Oh, imagine the possibilities.

I can create an entire race of
beings with butts for faces.

And faces for butts!

(screams) Magnificent!

- That's the last mistake
you'll ever make, my dude.

- Stay out of this, O'Malley!

- Oh no! Let go of the Hammer!

- I don't wanna hurt you!

(O'Malley laughing)

- Oh, aren't you funny now? (laughs)

- I mean it, O'Malley! Let go!

- No, you let go!

- [Chrovos] Children, please stop!

Release your hold, Donut.

All will be forgiven.

- Never!

- [Chrovos] Kill him.

- With pleasure.

(gun cocks)
(Hammer whirring)

- Oh, darn you to heck!

(Donut swooshes)

(Donut thuds) (Donut grunts)

(plane engine roars)
(time portal buzzes)

(dramatic music)

- You could've been a prince in heaven!

Instead, I'll be sending you straight

to H-E-double-hockey-sticks!

- Well, at least I'll be in good company!

(gunshots) (plane explodes)

(gunshots)

(Donut screams)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! (screams)

(plane engine roaring) (hammer clashing)

(tense dramatic music)

Ah!

(both scream)

(gunshots) (both scream)

(time portal buzzing)

(both scream)

(Donut thuds) (Donut grunts)

(O'Malley laughs)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(Donut grunts) (gun swooshes)

- (laughs) I think you
missed that, buddy. (laughs)

(gun buzzes)

(time portal buzzes)

(O'Malley screams) (O'Malley grunts)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

To the moon, Delano!

(O'Malley grunts)

(hammer swooshes)

(Donut screams)

(ambient music)
Hey! Get back here!

- I'm sorry that I have to kill you

and everyone you love to make butt world.

But like I said, bored.

- Are you finished?

- Quite.

- Would you look at the time?

- Ooh, getting late.

- Too late.

You see buddy, while you've
been jerking yourself off

with monologues, my friends
are out saving Wash.

- Fantastic.

- We won?

- Huzzah!

- You're not here to stop us.

Oh, Grif, no I'm not here to stop you,

I'm here to make you sure

you go through with this.
(tense dramatic music)

- Give me that gun!

- Give me the Hammer!

(hammer swooshes)
(O'Malley grunts)

(helmet clatters)

(O'Malley wheezes)

(Donut yells) (O'Malley thuds)

(heroic music)

- [O'Malley] Not so fast! (laughs)

(Donut groans)

(O'Malley grunts)

Take a seat.

(bell rings)

(audience cheering)

(Donut thuds)

(O'Malley laughs) (O'Malley screams)

(Donut groans)

(audience cheering)
- That's what you get!

Am I right?

(Donut yells)
(O'Malley grunts)

(audience cheering)

(O'Malley grunts)

- Tag team? That's cheating, O'Malley!?

(Donut screams)

(suit thuds)
(time portal buzzes)

Yee-ha!
(O'Malley grunts)

(gun cocking)
(time portal buzzes)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(time portal buzzes) (both thuds)

(O'Malley grunts)

(Donut screams)

- Oh, please! No, Donut, have mercy!

- Doc?

- I fought him off, I swear to gosh!

Please! O'Malley is gone!

I promise!

- I don't believe you!

- Smart puppy.

(Donut grunts)

(O'Malley grunts)

(Donut grunts)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

It's over, you idiot!

- You're right about that!

Wrong about something else.

- And what would that be?

- I've always had one
heck of a throwing arm.

I don't miss.
(gun cocking)

(time portal buzzes)
(bomb clanging)

- Well played.

(bomb explodes)
(O'Malley screams)

(hammer swooshes)
(time portal buzzes)

- Why would I want to stop you, Grif?

With Washington and Locus on your side,

Temple will go down

before he even turns on the time machine.

- Donut will never get zapped.

- And you and your friends
will never time travel

in the first place. (laughs)

Burrowing through time weakens it, sure,

and changing history cracks it a little,

but nothing shatters time like a paradox.

(gentle suspenseful music)

- [Chrovos] You're too late.

- Like hell!

(gentle suspenseful music)

(gunshots)

(time ticking)

- Don't!

No!

(gunshots)

(ambient music)

- What's going on?

- Simmons!

- It's-
- It's too late.

- K! I need to tell you.

- Don't!

- Men, Grif, Simmons, it's been an honor.

(gentle music)

♪ After the sun ♪

♪ I don't (indistinct) ♪

♪ After the hills ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

Hurry up, ladies!

This ain't no ice cream social!

- Ice cream social?

- Stop the pillow talk you two!

Anyone wanna guess,

why I gathered you here today?

- Is it because the war's over

and you're sending us home?

(gentle guitar music)

- Aren't you curious
about what they're doing?

- (sighs) I bet I could guess.

- It's standing around talking.

It's all they ever do.

You wanna take a look?

- (chuckles) No, I'm good.

I don't like those things.

- Suit yourself.

Let's get outta here.

Command is finally sending
us some reinforcements.

I heard we're getting a tank!

(gentle guitar music)

- Yo.
- Hmm?

- You ever wonder why we're...

- What's that?

- I could've sworn that...

What the shit is deja vu anyway?

- I got no idea.

I guess it's just one
of life's great my...

Aw, fuck! I never knew
deja vu was contagious.

Thanks.

(gentle guitar music)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Oh, I feel the rush ♪

♪ It fucks me up ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about ♪

♪ Think about you ♪

♪ When I think about
you, I feel the rush ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ It fucks me up ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ Oh, I feel the rush ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

(soft music)

(soft guitar music)

(high energy rock music)

(upbeat music)