Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 16, Episode 1 - The Shisno - full transcript

(birds chirping)

(gentle lute melody)

- Oh!

- Hark?

- Doth thee ever wonder
wherefore we be here?

- Ah, one of life's
most wondrous mysteries.

Wherefore art we hither?

Art we the product of
some cosmic coincidence,

or mayhaps the Lord God doth

watch over everything after all.

I knoweth not, good sir, but
it doth keep me up at night.



(bird caws)

- What?

I meant wherefore art we out here.

Betwixt'd in this canyon.

What was't all yon stuff-eth about God?

(Knight laughs)

- It was naught, it was naught.

Nothing.

- Doth thee want-eth to speak of it?

- Nay.

- Are thee sure?

- Yea.

- Loseth not thy faith, mine fasty cousin.

The Lord God doth gaze upon all of us



from His high seat on
the throne of Heaven.

He hath a purpose for each one of us.

I assure you, we art all
part of His holy plan.

- [Muggins] There is an unwritten rule

in our universe where the greatest changes

hinge on the humblest of actions.

A trick.

An act of friendship.

A slice of pepperoni pizza.

Suddenly, all is lost.

The end is nigh.

The fates told us that the beginning

of our end was an ending of its own.

But their prophecy came too late.

Not before the Reds and Blues
had vanquished their foe.

Not before their foe had
activated the temporal vortex.

Most critically, not before

the device fulfilled its true purpose.

We watched in horror, my Lord,

unable to prevent the
calamity that followed.

- I could eat a horse.

- With you, I'm worried
that's not a figure of speech.

- That's a figure of speech?

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Whatever.

Are we done here?

'Cause I've got some volleyballs

to spike in this fucking volcano.

- Was that an attempt at a metaphor?

- Yo, are we serious about grub?

My stomach is rumbling.

With all the fighting and shooting

I think we skipped a meal or three.

- There ain't no good
reason to go out for chow

when we still got MREs to spare.

I've got an emergency supply stuffed

in Lopez for this very situation.

- You seriously keep food in Lopez?

- Yes ma'am!

Right up his keister.

Way deep in there next to his

radioisotope nuclear generator

so they always stay nice and toasty.

Mmm-mmm!

- Kinky.

- Gross!

- You think that's gross?

Just wait 'til you see where
the condiments come out.

- Look guys, we could
get leukemia from eating

out of Lopez's butt literally any time.

But right now we're on Earth!

Culinary capital of the civilized galaxy!

Let's go out.

- Shouldn't we stick around?

Deal with the cops?

- Maybe best to let us handle that.

The UNSC still thinks
you're all terrorists.

I suggest laying low until
the truth comes to light.

- Great.

So food.

- Maybe Italian?

- How about a blood sausage?

Or some blood pudding.

Or the blood of my adversaries!

You know, just to mix things up.

- [Simmons] Chili's is always tight.

- There's a Chili's on Chorus now.

We can get that any time.

- How about Home Depot?

They have the best cotton candy.

- And now we know where all
the wall insulation went.

- Steaks!

How about a big ol' ribeye?

- Maybe something with
a vegetarian option?

- You don't get a vote.

You lost it when you betrayed us.

Purple Judas.

- Hooters?

- Lifetime ban.

- Donut.

- Simmons, I like the way you think,

but let's save that for dessert.

- No, where's Donut?

Shouldn't he be down here
yelling about fondue?

- Damn it.

Caboose, we know you'll eat anything.

Why don't you just go find Donut?

We'll make a plan.

- Okay I'll find him.

- Ooh, how about sushi?

- No way Jose!

Red Team only eats winner food.

No chow from any country
that ever lost a World War!

No German.

No Japanese.

And no French-Canadian.

- Has anyone seen my penny?

- Caboose!

Focus!

What did we tell you to do?

- Start a fixed interest savings account!

- No!

Find Donut!

- Okay!

- How about Poke?

- Gross!

No fish!

I want something that's
gonna give me a heart attack.

How do y'all feel about turducken?

(transition music)

- Hey Donut.

Hey, we're getting some food.

Do you eat food?

(Donuts screaming)

- Yeah, me too.

Tell me, how do you feel about Greek?

(otherworldly noises)

(Donut screams)

Yeah, me neither.

What about fish and chips?

(Donut screams)

Yeah, I am always confused about that too.

Why say chips when you mean freedom fries?

(Donut screams)

Yeah okay.

See you soon.

- That's it.

I'm putting my foot down.

- Well let's just--

- Trust me, dudes.

Sammie Raphaello's is the
best fucking pizza on Earth.

- Sarge?

- I can live with pizza.

Like Doc, the Italians switched sides

in the last minute in
all three World Wars.

But no calzones!

Leaving the calzone in the friend zone.

- Great!

So there's 12 of us?

- Nah, we're good.

We all ate on the way here.

There's an In-N-Out in
the Delta Ari system now.

- And we really need to get back home.

There are some very interesting things

happening on Chorus these days.

- Can't wait to change the subject,

I mean can't wait to hear all about it!

But later.

Not now.

- If you guys are heading back to Chorus

I'd love to hitch a ride.

I'd like to make sure Wash is on the mend.

Not that you need my permission,

but you all have earned some R&R.

Enjoy your pizza.

And grab a to-go slice for Washington.

- One slice?

I'm bringing that dude back
a deep dish and garlic knots.

- I'm in!

It sounds fun.

And maybe we can get into
some crazy shit along the way.

- No adventures!

We are not getting involve
in anymore stupid bullshit.

I've invented a new
science to make sure of it.

- A new science?

- You can't tell, but I'm
winking pretty hard right now.

- Caboose, you were supposed
to bring back Donut.

- Yeah, Donut's gone.

He left.

- He left the island?

- Yes.

Definitely no.

- I'm confused.

Where did he go?

- You know, he didn't say.

It was a little rude.

- Good enough for me!

Let's boogie!

- And leave Donut behind?

- Yeah, sounds like he left us.

- Maybe we should look
around just to be sure.

- All right!

Ain't no party like a search party.

- No!

No looking around!

No more standing around talking!

No more nothing!

Let's just get outta here before the cops

show up and stick us in Space Guantanamo

where the food is terrible.

- Someone's hangry.

- That's Grif's secret.

He's always hangry.

- You're goddamn right I'm hangry!

I don't understand why
everything has to be

such a great big goddamn
production with you people!

We're going out for pizza!

Not some epic quest!

- We're going on a pizza quest.

- Do not call it that.

It is not a pizza quest.

We're going to Sammie Raphaello's
for a large pepperoni.

End of story.

- Oh the gods!

Muggins can you friggin' believe it?

- Settle, Huggins.

Watch closely and do not let
the mortals leave your sight.

- Oh, yeah.

Solo mission for the rookie!

I can handle it, chief, coach, el capitan!

- I will return as soon as I can.

Do not let them see you.

- I'm an invisible fly
on an invisible wall!

Zip, zip, zip!

(dramatic orchestral music)

- No running in the hall, Mug Bug!

- Your grace.

I bear grave tidings
from the human homeworld.

- Speak.

- The final prophecy is unfolding.

The pizza quest has begun.

(music intensifies)

(gentle guitar melody)

- Let's just go.

Just once let's just not and say we did.

- Nice try, Grif.

You ain't truffle shuffling
your way out of this one.

- Guys, I already know
what you're gonna say,

so there's no reason to say it.

Why don't we skip the part
where you all make fun of me

for crashing the Pelican and move on.

I'm sure that each and
every one of your insults

was clever and funny and witty and smart,

so let's just mark them all as read, okay?

You got me.

I'm got.

- Grif, regulations clearly
state that any pilot

who crashes a spaceship because they got

too excited about stuffed crust is subject

to at least an hour of roasting!

Per survivor!

- That's going to take forever.

Can't we just go once around the horn?

- Aww!

How in the sam hill am I supposed to cram

350 pounds of pure failure
into a single insult?

- That counts!

Sis?

- You should really stick with

what you're good at, big bro.

Not calling mom and sucking

the cheese out of mozzarella sticks.

- Maybe next time you'll--

- Primary cast only.

- Next time we need a pilot

I'm gonna insist on someone smarter.

Like Caboose.

Or your Guy Fieri bobblehead.

- Ooh!

Your mama is so fat!

- You got a punchline
for that joke, Caboose?

- Joke?

- Crap landing, doofus.

- Thanks for being quick.

So Simmons, any idea where we are?

- According to my mini map

the Sammie Raphaello's place is close.

It's just through these
slightly ominous woods.

(scary wildlife noises)

- How about these less ominous woods?

Could we get there that way?

(birds chirping)

- It's a little longer, but yeah.

- Better safe than sorry.

- Hmm.

(gentle guitar melody)

- Bathroom break!

- Just go in your suit, Caboose.

We have waste disposal
systems for a reason.

(clearing throat)

- I cannot go with other people around.

Sorry.

- So us taking the long
way around these woods

wouldn't have anything to do with

your new science now would it?

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Simmons.

- Are you winking right now?

- If I let you in on this you gotta

promise to keep it on the down low.

The less people know
about this the better.

- Hand to God.

- I came up with a new system, and now

that it's in effect we are never gonna

have to do anything ever again.

- Your new science is laziness?

- What's new is the how.

See, when I was alone
on Iris, and definitely

not losing my mind out of boredom,

I found this book that Jax left behind.

It was all about story structure.

- Like for movies?

- Yeah, and TV and whatever.

See, the book talks about these things

at the beginning of stories,

they're called incendiary incidents.

They're these things
that make stories happen.

I thought shit, if we can avoid

incendiary incidents in real life,

then we never have to
do anything ever again.

- How does that work in the real world?

- So earlier, when Jensen
said very interesting things

were happening on Chorus, that could mean

some crazy shit with
Temple, or some real trouble

with the UNSC, or who knows what.

But it's definitely
incendiary, so I definitely

changed the subject before
we could find out more.

- I see.

- And when we were in the
Pelican, Locus sent us

an encrypted message
about something important,

but I crashed the ship into the ground

before anyone even noticed.

It means we've gotta
walk the rest of the way,

but a little work now
saves a ton of work later.

Pepperoni time.

- What was Locus's message?

- I didn't read it, so we'll never know.

- So your "new science"
is preemptive laziness.

- Yup!

- That is so stupid, Grif.

I'm so proud of you.

- I found a lake!

- That's great, Caboose.

- The lake is glowing!

- Guys, no detours!

See, this is what I'm
talking about, Simmons.

You just gotta keep these cats wrangled.

- Glowing lake?

I've gotta see this.

- Fuck.

(holy choir music)

- [Tucker] What's down there?

A car?

- It's fucking swamp gas, guys.

There's nothing to see here.

Let's move along.

- It's rising.

(remixed choir music)

- Aww, Donut?

- Friends.

Let me hold your gaze.

- What the hell are you doing?

- I am swelling with joy!

I have missed you all so so much.

- Missed us?

- You've been gone for two hours.

- Oh that's right.

For you, barely any
time has passed at all.

But for me, infinity.

Eternity.

Way longer.

- Donut, how many times have I warned you

about going AWOL and mysteriously

showing up in foreign bodies of water?

- And how exactly did
you get here before us?

And how did you know we
were coming this way?

- Ah, 'tis a story longer than time.

- Fuck that!

Story time can wait until
after we stuff our faces.

- No!

We have no time to lose.

We're all in grave danger.

We must escape into the past!

- What?

- You heard me right.

Friends, our day has come!

We have been chosen to defend

the universe as time travel warriors!

- Ah, I know what this is.

He's trying to prank us.

- Am not!

- Come on guys, he's
obviously fucking with us.

It's just retribution
for the time we told him

Extreme Home Makeovers
was gonna fix up Red Base.

- This is not related to that

substantial betrayal of trust!

- Oh quit gagging on us, Donut.

You got my hopes up there for a second.

- Thank you, Red Team.

This was real productive.

- Guys, it's true!

You need to listen to me!

- See that shit, Simmons?

Defused the story bomb like a boss.

No call to adventure, no adventure.

- So just curious, in Jax's book

what happens after the call to adventure?

- I dunno.

I stopped reading after the important bit.

- What if refusing the adventure
is part of the adventure?

- Don't be dumb, Simmons.

Roll credits.

We're done.

(transition music)

So burgers?

- This looks like a battlefield.

What the heck happened here?

(clearing throat)

- Excuse me, officer!

- I'm a cop.

- That figures.

- That's why I'm wearing space armor.

- Uh-huh.

Got it.

- You might think it's weird that a cop

in a small town would
be wearing space armor.

But lots of things are weird.

Some birds have thumbs, did you know that?

- Nope.

- I have to wear space armor
because it's regulation.

It's also cozy.

- You don't need to tell me.

I get it.

So what happened here, officer?

- No one knows, armored stranger.

Tornado.

Earthquake.

Ball of lightning.

Some freak thing.

They're calling it an act of God.

- No.

There is no God.

- Anywho, gotta go.

Got cop stuff.

You get that, right red guy?

Well red's not really police outfit.

Red and blue.

Hey, put that together
it's like a siren, right?

You guys aren't cops are you?

If you were cops I'd know you were cops.

I know every cop in this quadrant.

All right bye.

- How about Chinese?

We never talked about Chinese.

- Simmons, if I asked you
to shoot me would you do it?

- Guys!

I'm telling you the truth!

When are you gonna start listening to me?

I traveled in time to be here with you!

- Donut, I hate to be a bubble burster,

but all those years ago after we thought

we traveled in time, I
actually looked into it.

Every single scientific
theory says the same thing.

Time travel is just plain impossible.

You must just be confused
like when we were...

- So who's hungry?

(dramatic ethereal music)

- Did we really just--

- Only a few days.

Barely a skip.

- That smell!

I can't believe it.

We're back!

- Caboose never told you the full story

of what happened on that island.

- He just said you were gone.

- Gone indeed.

When Loco's time machine struck me

I became unstuck in time.

Like a needle that skipped
off a Lisa Loeb record.

That skipping sucked me into the past.

My body was ruined, destroyed.

But my mind stayed alive.

I was sucked deep, backwards,
further into the past.

Hundreds of years, then thousands,

then millions and billions!

And beyond!

And there I found Him.

That's Him with a capital H.

- Hitler?

- No.

God!

- You're saying that God, the God,

saved you and put you back together?

- Yes!

Because God needs our help!

- That's an ego boost.

- It's God's will that we
become His holy soldiers

to fight back against the Devil King

who wants to destroy our universe.

- What's God look like?

Say John Wayne.

- God gave me these to
give unto you, my brothers.

And He told me that to save

the future we must fix the past.

- Fuck all of this.

- With these time travel portal guns

we can go anywhere anytime.

- Sidebar.

How do we know for sure this is Donut?

He's not talking like Donut.

- These Donut holes are tight.

They can only fit two grown men at once.

- Withdrawn.

- Come friends.

Let us journey together
deeper to the past.

The only place safe from...

Oh no.

- What's going on?

- There!

Look!

- Tornado?

- Red Team at the ready!

- What are you gonna do?

Shoot the weather with bullets?

(ominous laughing)

- For once the trickster spoke truth.

The humans are right on time.

- Fuck!

Look, we don't want any
trouble, scary alien lady!

- I am Kalirama the Undying.

Goddess of death, war, and annihilation.

Daughter of time.

Queen of the cosmic powers
and mother to the fates.

Bow before me.

So that I may sever your
heads from your necks.

- Lady, I think I speak
for everyone when I say.

Marry me!

- Back away, devil woman!

- No!

(Kalirama laughs)

- The insects want a fight.

Gah!

Dirty Shisno!

- Grab a gun!

Get into the portals!

Hurry!

Remember, saving the future
means fixing the past!

- This way, babe.

- Gross.

Don't call me babe.

- Grif, look out!

- Ah crap!

They're getting away!

- Simmons, this way!

- Whoa!
- Ahh!

- Simmons, we need to
determine our whereabouts stat.

- Not whereabouts, Sarge.

Whenabouts.

(transition music)

- That was mental!

Absolutely mental!

What the heck did we do to her?

And who was she?

Grif, Grif!

Say something!

- Can you please just give it a rest?

- But Grif, what do
you think it all means?

- I'm not thinking about it at all.

- So you're just gonna ignore the giant

four-armed goddess in the room?

- All I know is that if I don't figure out

how this stupid machine works
we're gonna freeze out here.

- Let me take a look.

I'm pretty good with technology.

Better than I am with anatomy.

- Back the hell off!

- I'm detecting some hostility from you.

You mad?

At me?

- I'm mad at everything!

The world, the universe!

I'm mad we got roped
into some new bullshit!

And yeah, I'm mad I got lost in time

with this purple Brutus of an asshole,

the least useful teammate ever,

or should I say former teammate

since you cozied up with our enemies?

- Yeah.

It's okay you hate me.

Grif, if I'm being transparent,

I kinda hate me right now too.

- Oh god Doc, please spare me.

- Yeah.

I should've figured out the Blues

and Reds were bad guys sooner.

Because I didn't, I'm responsible

for all the violence and the heartbreak.

And the death.

For Wash being hurt and for Loco.

I let down my friends on all sides

and I'm torn to bits about it.

Hey, you did it!

You figured it out!

- No, I just found the shuffle button.

- [Tucker] Seriously?

Are you sure?

- I know that symbol.

It's a shuffle button.

- Who the hell builds a time
machine with a shuffle button?

- Apparently God.

- I don't buy that.

I'm atheist.

- That's dumb.

I'm militant agnostic.

I don't know what's out
there and neither do you.

- So it looks like we're in Valhalla.

And I guess it's maybe
after we were living here?

I don't see the crashed Pelican,

so we don't have to worry about

running into ourselves at least.

- It must be before.

Some developers bought the land

and now Valhalla is all condos.

- All right then, so we're in the past.

Now what?

We try to Sherlock Donut's last message?

Go and fix the past?

- Could, but is there really a rush?

I mean we have a time machine,

so we can do Donut's thing whenever.

Maybe you and I can have some fun first.

- Fun huh?

Hmm, you wanna get down?

- Definitely!

Shit's gotten a little
too real at work lately.

I need a few weeks of dumb sex
to get my head on straight.

- Say no more.

- You thinking what I'm thinking, Tucker?

- Depends.

How far backwards can you bend?

- Sean Connery's first for me, and then

that Daenerys Targaryen
chick, and King Tut.

- You wanna use the time
machine for autographs?

- What?

No dummy.

I wanna use it to bang dead celebrities

while they're still young and sexy.

Or when they're old and sexy.

Or both!

Man, I'm gonna have a field
day with George Clooney.

- Oh.

- What did you think I meant?

That I wanted meaningless sex with you?

- Well yeah.

- Oh no.

- I mean it's not exactly a
stretch of the imagination.

There's precedent.

Wouldn't be the first time.

- Yeah it would.

- What about back at Blood Gulch?

- Back at Blood Gulch what?

- We hooked up.

- No we didn't.

- Come on!

After the fight with Wyoming and Tex?

The cave?

- Oh the cave!

You count that?

- Yeah I friggin' count that!

We did a sex.

- I'm pretty sure we almost did a sex.

But something happened and it stopped?

I don't know.

It wasn't very memorable.

- But, but, but--

- Oh, did I just hurt you feelings?

- No!

- Where you going?

- I'm going for a jog.

Get some exercise in.

- All right, whatever.

How's this fucking thing work?

- [Sarge] Watch your language, Simmons!

- Sorry, sir.

I just can't figure this thing out.

I mean there's no real
technology in this device.

There's no power source, no
control board, no anything.

It's basically like magic.

- Red Team's got a magic gun!

Hurrah!

- We live in a world of science, Sarge.

There's no such thing as magic.

Doesn't this scare you?

- Scared schmared, Simmons!

We've got an objective to tackle.

Donut told us to fix our past.

And I know where to start.

(military trumpet music)

The Battle of Broken Ridge.

- Oh.

Are you sure you wanna
reopen old wounds like that?

I mean it can't be healthy to relive

such a traumatic experience.

- That's why we're not
going to relive it, Simmons.

We're gonna repair it.

Just like Donut's incredibly
clear riddle commanded!

- I think, actually I
insist, that before we use

this time machine gun we need to take it

to a laboratory so they can disassemble it

and we can see how it works.

- Abso-freaking-lutely not, Simmons!

What if you can't put it back together?

Like when you try to
cheat with a Rubik's Cube.

There's just pieces everywhere.

- Told you we should've
just taken the stickers off.

Sir, with everything that's happened,

I mean Donut dying and coming back,

God, aliens, time travel,
none of it makes any sense!

Now here at least we have something

in front of us we can
get some answers from.

We have a thing to study.

- Study schmudy, you fuddy-duddy!

- But nothing about this
situation makes any sense!

- Sense schmense, Simmons!

- That's incredibly
talented, but you can't

rhyme your way out of everything.

- Smeverything.

- It's dangerous to use it

without knowing what we're doing.

- Fortune favors the bold, Simmons.

You think Tommy Edison
invented electricity

by sitting around and thinking about it?

Heck no!

He flew a kite in a
goddamn lightning storm!

Well Simmons, you're holding
the kite in them there hands.

Do you wanna take it apart
or see how that baby flies?

- Interesting.

So you're saying we should
study it by using it.

- What part of study schmudy
fuddy-duddy was unclear?

- Simmons Science Log: Entry One.

Stardate: The past.

Chrononaut Dick Simmons has devised

a controlled experiment to further

the human understanding of time travel.

Subject Red has decided
to use the time machine

to return to The Battle
of Broken Ridge in order

to quote "set right the
course of history" unquote.

We have thus traveled into the past.

One small step for Simmons, one giant--

- Simmons!

Who are you talking to?

- No one.

I was napping while standing up.

And I was talking in my sleep.

- Well quit your Grif-ing
and get over here!

- Simmons log out.

(Sarge chuckles)

- Look Simmons.

It's just how I remember it.

The enemy was dug into the
top of this here hillside.

We'd been pinned down for days.

Then one day, moments ago,
a sniper took them out.

And I finally got my chance.

Look on down there, Simmons.

You can see it happening.

- Lieutenant Sarge!

Sergeant Lieutenant is down, sir!

You're our commanding officer now.

What do we do?

- Well friend, there's
only one thing to do.

We must charge the enemy.

I'll cover for you here while you

flank up the left side of this hill.

- [Soldier] Sir yes sir!

- [Second Soldier] I love you sir!

- Let me get a hooah!

- Hooah!
- Hooah!

- Look at them go, Simmons.

They're...

Wait just a minute.

They're going the wrong way.

I told them the left side of the hill!

- Well Sarge, I mean really

it is just a matter of perspective.

- Don't you go starting off with that

new age Chomsky crap now, Simmons!

No wonder they were massacred.

I can't let this happen!

- [Soldier One] We lost Rick!

- [Soldier Two] It's okay.

We're halfway.

Everybody get set.

We'll go after--

- What do you idiots think you're doing?

- Sarge?

How did you get here?

- I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Now listen up, I order
you idiots to double back

to the bottom and charge
up the other side.

What in sam hill are
you men doing down here?

I told you to charge up
the left side of that hill,

so charge up the left side of that hill!

I said no such thing.

Now get back down there
and follow my orders.

- Sarge sir!

Theo is down!

He's not breathing!

- You tell that lazy idiot to wake up!

- Wake up.

Wake up!

Wake up Lopez!

Lopez can you hear me?

Blink twice if you can still blink!

(speaking foreign language)

- That's right you fell, Lopez.

You banged your head, your head fell off,

I made some glue out of
leaves and spit and glue

and put your head back on your
body and do you feel better?

(speaking foreign language)

- That's good, you feel all better!

I need your help, Lopez.

We need to work together to
figure out Donut's riddle.

I only remember pieces.

(speaking foreign language)

- No, I'm pretty sure it was in English.

Something about savings, futures.

And then a bit about fixed
interest savings rates.

(speaking foreign language)

- Savings for the future.

Savings for the future means...

Saving for the future
means fixed interest rates.

That's it, you did it Lopez!

(speaking foreign language)

- We need to start a savings account!

Come on, Lopez!

Wait.

Where is it?

Lopez I have been robbed!

My lucky penny!

My lucky penny Lopez, I cannot lose that!

I love that penny.

I remember when I found it

just like it was yesterday.

Oh look, a penny>

Darn it Lopez, we can't
start savings accounts

if we don't have any money.

We're gonna need to use this

teleporter maker to retrace our steps.

(speaking foreign language)

- Oh it won't backfire, Lopez.

Let's go!

(speaking foreign language)

- Hey look!

It's everybody!

Has anyone seen my penny?

- Caboose!

Focus!

What did we tell you to do?

- Start a fixed interest savings account!

- No!

Find Donut!

- Okay!

They haven't seen it, Lopez.

Better keep looking.

(speaking foreign language)

(transition music)

- Tight.

- Nice.

You figure it all out?

- Yeah, it's easy.

There's a click wheel.

You just wind it backwards
until you get the right date.

- Weird.

- So you wanna talk about yesterday?

- Sure.

I thought about what you said.

The celebrity plan.

I'm in.

I got my list and everything.

- Awesome!

♪ Let's go have sex
with some dead people ♪

- Where do we start?

- The 90s.

- The 1890s?

Don't tell me that you also

have a thing for Jack the Ripper.

- The 1990s.

Number one on my list is The Spice Girls.

- All of them?

- Yeah all of them.

What, you don't think I can handle

a six way with The Spice Girls?

- What if you set your
sights more realistically?

Like Scary Spice.

- Listen Kai, I'm a space hero

from the future with a magical sword.

I'm what every girl wants.

What they really really want.

- Oh god.

- Don't belittle me!

- Sorry, it's just that swagger.

I thought you would've grown
out of it a little by now.

- Nope, I've grown into it.

I'm basically the new
Church, but way less whiny.

- Oh!

Should I be throwing myself at your feet?

- Eh, you're not really
my type anymore honestly.

- Get over it, Tucker!

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

- You didn't!

I don't have feelings!

But seriously, for the
record, you and me had a sex.

- No we didn't!

I remember you freaked out.

- Because someone was watching us.

- There was no one in the cave but us.

- Someone was peeping on my peeper.

But it still counts because
we had started the act.

- That's not how I remember it.

- Kai, the hot dog
truck was in the garage.

It counts!

- The clown car broke down
turning into the driveway.

Doesn't count.

- The stretch limo was inside

the multilevel parking structure.

Counts.

- The monocycle got a flat tire

and the driver had no spare.

- Yo, that ain't the thing!

- You can count it if you want.

I don't give a heck.

I mean shit, that might
push me to triple digits.

- We could find out if
anyone was watching us.

If the hot dog truck was in
the garage or the driveway.

We could go back in time and see.

- Fuck yeah!

Time travel to watch myself bang?

I've always wanted to originate a fetish.

- Just be careful in the past.

We don't wanna start any
paradoxes or whatever.

- Thanks for the "tip".

- Simmons Science Log: Supplemental.

Subject Red's participation
in his first career failure

seems to have left him
reflective and solemn.

It appears as if time travel has been

a valuable learning tool for Sarge

and I'm going to attempt to comfort him

and inquire about his state of mind.

You all right?

- You know Simmons, they
say hindsight's 20/20.

With age comes perspective.

An awareness of where you went right.

And where you went left.

I realize now that there ain't

no one to blame for my failures.

Except for the dumb
idiots under my command.

- What?

- Morons, Simmons.

I've been settled with total morons

my whole life and it's cost me everything!

- A, ouch.

B, Sarge, your orders.

You made them go up and down!

- Well I can only do so much
with what I've been given!

Come on!

It's like trying to cook
an omelet with rotten eggs.

But fortunately the book of
destiny ain't closed just yet.

We're gonna do this again!

We're going to get it right!

But before we do, Red Team is going

to acquire some reinforcements.

We are going to assemble the greatest

fighting force the world has ever seen!

Made from the most awesome
soldiers in human history.

It'll be just like The Expendables

without the unnecessary
Harrison Ford cameo!

When assembled, we're
going to right our lefts,

we're going to right our wrongs,

and we're going to
paint this universe red!

Roar!

Come on, Simmons.

Roar!

- Roar.

- Louder!

- Roar roar roar!
- Roar.

- Come on, man.

(transition music)

- Home sweet home.

That must be us fighting Wyoming.

- Hey, pst!

Let's try to stay out of sight, man.

- My thoughts exactly.

Oh shit.

That'll help.

Let's see if we can figure out

what's going on around here.

I see me!

There I am talking to Caboose.

No wait, wait, that's Captain Flowers!

I think I recognize this.

- I'm not firearms expert
Tucker, but I'm pretty sure

you shouldn't have your finger
on the trigger like that.

- Calm down, Kai.

The safety's on, see?

Oh!

Dang.

- I bet this never happens to you, right?

- I think I'll stick with
melee weapons for a while.

- Whoa, this looks familiar.

What does this have to
do with fixing the past?

- Nothing.

We're ignoring Donut.

We're gonna go get some pizza and wait

for this whole thing to blow over.

- But I thought it was destroyed.

- Ha ha!

I set the machine to years ago.

Back when I was in college here

and right before I
dropped out and enlisted.

This was the year I ate Sammie Raphaello's

for a hundred days straight.

So this time we know it's here.

For sure.

- Hey, backstory!

We're bonding now.

How do you feel about
pineapple on your 'za, bra?

- Motherfucker!

- Copy that.

I know that's a sensitive
issue for some people.

- Look.

- Sammie Raphaello's Calzones & Stromboli?

I thought you said this was a pizza place.

- It fucking is!

Hey you!

- What do you want, old man?

- What year is it?

- What year is it?

What kind of question is that?

- Why are you all wearing armor?

- It's Halloween, dude.

We're tick or treating.

- My mom made us these awesome costumes.

We're space marines.

- Oh neat.

- Yeah, neat!

What fucking year is it,
you little shit stain?

There's supposed to be a
pizza place right here!

- A what?

- A pizza restaurant!

- What's pizza?

- What's pizza?

- Are you saying pitas?

Like Greek food?

- No!

Pizza!

Dough!

Marinara sauce!

Mozzarella!

Pepperoni!

- Oh calzones!

- No!

Well yeah, like that, but flat!

- Unfolded calzones?

Gross.

- Why would you wanna unfold a calzone?

- Oh my god, because we're civilized!

- We should probably go
back to trick or treating.

- These guys are weird.

- Well that seems odd.

What kind of kids haven't heard of pizza?

It's the best pie there is after rhubarb.

- It's not just them, it's Sammie's too.

The sign.

Doc, we're in a world
where pizza doesn't exist.

- Whoa.

That's trippy.

What are we gonna do?

- There's only one thing to do.

- Whoa!

Jesus!

Get a hold of yourself, man!

You can't give up that easy!

- Watch me.

- Look, if this is a big deal to you,

then we just need to fix it.

Go back in time and invent pizza.

Hey, for all we know, this is how

pizza was invented in the first place.

Or, with this time machine,
we have the opportunity

to save a really
incredible amount of lives.

We can prevent wars.

Cure diseases.

Avoid famines.

Vaccinate kittens against feline AIDS.

You and me, Grif.

We can save the entire universe.

- Let's go make pizza.

- Yeah.

Pizza quest it is.

(transition music)

- Jesus you people spend a lot of time

standing around and talking.

- No kidding.

Hey, your radio's off, right?

- Yeah, they can't hear us.

- So why'd you decide
to come along this time?

- Am I cramping your style?

- No, I'm just making chitchat.

- Well honestly, things were getting

a little messy at the music festival.

I jumped at the chance to
get the hell out of Dodge.

- Business down?

- No way!

We were growing like gangbusters.

It's the other side of things that suck.

Personal stuff.

I started messing around with someone

at work and HR found out.

- So?

- The person I was seeing is
married to the head of HR.

What a freakin' mess, man.

I kept thinking why can't we just go back

to when things were just
silly and fun all the time.

- I know what you mean.

When we were stationed here
it was like nothing mattered.

We could fuck up and make
mistakes and it was always fine.

Now I fuck up and Wash gets shot.

I screw up and suddenly I
owe child support payments

that make up a fraction of Chorus' GDP.

Before she died, my mama always said

you can't unwind the clock.

Wait 'til she sees my time machine.

- There it goes.

- So after that, everyone
goes their separate ways

and I convince you to
check out the case with me.

Then I worked my magic.

- Pretty sure it was the
other way around, dude.

- This way.

It's in here.

- Oh yeah, Tucker?

My surprise is in the cave?

- [Past Tucker] Uh-huh.

Come on.

- [Past Kai] Is it a big surprise?

Am I gonna be able to handle it?

- [Past Tucker] It's huge, babe.

You're gonna love it.

- There we go.

- Let's go around.

The back way is over here.

- [Past Kai] That's it?

- [Past Tucker] What, you don't like it?

- [Past Kai] I was just expecting bigger.

- [Past Tucker] It's a good size.

It's big enough for you.

What were you expecting?

- [Past Kai] I don't know.

Longer.

Wider.

Deeper.

- [Past Tucker] It's a cave pond.

It's as long and wide
and deep as the cave!

- [Past Kai] So that was
your big surprise huh?

- [Past Tucker] Yup.

- You got anything else for me?

Anything else you wanna show me, Tucker?

- Maybe, I think I...

I maybe might something else for show you.

- Well well well, look
who's getting cold feet.

- Shh!

They'll hear us!

- It's a little hot in
here don't you think?

Or maybe it's just me feeling the heat.

- I hope you're not sick.

Oh, you mean the other kind of heat.

Sexy animal heat.

Awesome.

- Maybe I should cool
off before I burn up.

You wanna get in the water with me?

- I don't know.

That water looks nasty.

You want a back rub?

- So slick.

- Whatever.

It worked.

- [Past Kai] Sure.

Let's go swimming first.

Let me just squeeze out of this suit here.

- Damn, I wish I had her hips.

- You do.

- Oh right.

- [Past Kai] The water's nice, Tucker.

Why don't you get in?

- [Past Tucker] Oh yeah girl, I'm coming.

- [Past Kai] Just don't come too quick.

- [Past Tucker] Now I'm confused.

You want me in or out?

- [Past Kai] Jesus Tucker, get in already!

- Nice.

- Damn.

- Fuck it.

You wanna mess around?

- Sure!

(Tucker echoing)

- [Past Tucker] What was that?

- [Past Kai] What was what?

- [Past Tucker] Did you hear that?

Someone's here.

- [Past Kai] I didn't hear anything.

Where are you going?

- I heard someone!

I need to investigate.

Who's peeping my peeper?

That better not be you, Caboose!

- Really great job there, Tucker.

You managed to double cock
block me with a single word.

- Hey, you're the one who lost control.

I mean I don't blame you.

The double Tucker heat was thick in there.

- Yuck!

God, what was I thinking?

- You wanted a slice.

- I had a momentary lapse in judgment.

Do not let it go to your head.

- Ha!

It's way too late for that.

So about that offer.

- It's rescinded.

I would rather go fuck myself.

And with the time machine
I actually can do that now.

Hell yeah, new fetish!

- Balls.

- Simmons Science Log: Entry 96.

Myself and Subject Red have returned

to the near present from our extended

recruitment campaign in Earth's past.

Despite the setbacks I've
noted in previous logs,

Subject Red appears
satisfied with his efforts.

- I am satisfied with my efforts.

Red Team is now the
greatest fighting force

the universe has ever seen!

Private John.

Private George.

Private Alex.

You men represent the cream of the crop.

The very best of the very best!

(Private Alex coughs)

Simmons!

Help Private Alex to his feet!

- Well pardon me, space pilgrim.

If you're gonna be milling about

making chitchat, I'd love to pop

this here bucket off my head.

- Negatory!

I didn't equip you with the latest

and greatest space
marine armor for nothing.

- To be prepared for
war is one of the best

methods for preserving peace.

But if war must be fought, let us bring

destruction unto these redcoats.

- No George!

We are the redcoats!

We're fighting the bluecoats.

Which brings me to my point.

It's time for our first mission.

- Back to the Battle of Broken Ridge?

- Not yet, Simmons.

I have other plans in mind.

Men, listen up.

Recently, in our future, Red Team

fought a great battle against

a nearly identical Red Team.

In the course of this confusing crusade,

one member of Red Team was seduced

and tricked into joining with the enemy.

One of us reds betrayed his
long time friends and allies.

- One of us?

You mean--

- One of us was obviously so
traumatized by his mistake

that he began thinking
in the third person.

We are going to save our comrade

by preemptively striking our enemy.

That's right, men.

We're gonna travel in
time and and kill Temple.

- Well now you just hold on there

for one second, boy howdy.

I sure played my fair share of the law.

I ain't never done none
law keeping my own self.

- I'm not gonna teach
the man who taught me

how to be a man how to
be a man, Private John!

You're just gonna have to roll with it.

- "Roll with it."

All right then.

- No more talk, Simmons.

Open up the Donut hole.

- About that, Sarge.

Donut did tell us that his hole

could only fit two grown men at once.

Aren't you worried about capacity?

- Only our capacity for victory!

Can I get a hooah?

(Private Alex coughs)

- [Private John] Hooah.

- Private Alex!

What have I told you about
stepping on my dramatic moments?

Here we are, men.

Desert Gulch.

We're deep in enemy territory now.

- Look, there they are.

There we are!

- Men!

Observe our enemy.

On the right.

The right!

In the middle!

That's their leader.

Temple.

- Taking out the chief.

Smart move.

Make them fall back and choose a new one.

- Sarge, something about this isn't right.

We've gone too far into the future

or not far enough into the past.

We're supposed to get
here before we got here.

Before the other us's showed
up and met the evil us's.

We should definitely
fall back and try again.

- There is no shame in
retreating from a superior force.

- There's no superior force!

It's just us and the evil us's.

Stick to the plan.

Take out Temple.

- If we are to push forth,
I propose a stratagem.

We could carry ourselves silently

along the base of these palisades.

We will have the element of surprise

until we are nearly upon them.

- Yes, yes!

That's what I'm talking about!

Do what he said that I
was already thinking!

- One issue.

The group on the left will be

within the arc of our musket shot.

- It's worth the risk.

- Oh hell no!

That's us, Sarge.

He's saying we might shoot us!

- We know what we signed up for, Simmons.

- I did not sign up to have my past self

killed by time traveling
historical figures.

If we kill ourselves
in the past we die now!

Don't we?

- We could get a lot closer
if we had some manner

of distraction to cover
our final approach.

A calvary charge would
do the trick nicely.

- No horses, but I see
a Mongoose down there.

- Who in the sam hill can ride a mongoose?

- Private Alex!

Please tell me you know how to drive.

(speaking foreign language)

- What's he saying, Simmons?

That a yea or a nay?

- It's ancient Macedonian, Sarge.

They didn't offer that in my high school.

(Private Alex coughs)

- Simmons, grab Private
Alex and some duct tape.

We're making ourselves a distraction.

(Temple laughs)

- No.

We're not just dressing like you.

We're like you.

What's that?

(Private Alex coughs)

- Excuse me!

What the hell was that?

- Hey Temple.

Sayonara, dirtbag.

We did it!

Woohoo!

- Oh god!

He killed him!

Run!

♪ Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo ♪

♪ Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo ♪

- Goddamnit!

Cut!

(bell rings)

- [Crew Member] That's a wrap.

Where's my best boy?

- What the hell was that,
who the hell are you,

and what the fuck did you do to my actor?

- Actor?

Simmons?

- I have no idea, Sarge.

- Sarge?

Sarge Sarge?

No way, dude!

How the hell are you, man?

- Oh god!

Man down!

Somebody call the paramedics!

- Jax, who are all these people?

- It's the crew, dude.

You guys should've told
me you were stopping by.

I'm happy to see you, but we're kinda

in the middle of running some takes.

- I don't think he's gonna make it.

What are we gonna do?

- What are you looking at me for, Cohan?

You're the producer!

Fucking fix it!

- Producer?

Of...

- The movie, dude!

We're shooting the big Hollywood

adaption of our adventure last year.

Duh!

- Last year?

Sarge, I don't think
we're in the past anymore.

- Simmons, we've got bigger
things to deal with right now!

You're making a movie without me?

- Hey, I looked everywhere for you guys.

Facebook, Twitter.

Me and Dylan told you
to keep a low profile,

but y'all downright vanished.

- I can't find his pulse!

- Jesus Fuck!

I'm trying to catch up
with my friends over here!

If you are incapable of dealing with this

get the fucking AD to do it!

- But you fired the AD.

- Then it looks like I was
just getting warmed up.

Hey, how about I give you guys a quick

little tour while the help
gets its shit together.

So here's our staging area.

Makeup, wardrobe, et cetera.

We're shooting most of the movie

on a sound stage in Vancouver.

Tax incentives, but I insisted

we shoot some scenes in the places

these events actually happened.

- Why is everyone in armor?

- Well the actors don't
take off their suits

because they're method acting.

Also because I make them.

The crew does it for solidarity.

Forced solidarity.

Pretty crazy all these
people work for me huh?

I mean technically they work
for me, but most of them

just stand around
bullshitting all day long!

Over here's the crafting table.

We got little carrots.

Munch munch.

Anyway, who are your new friends?

- Some new recruits
for our secret mission.

- Ooh, exciting.

Anything four quadrant
with spinoff potential?

I'm trying to develop ideas for what

the Red Versus Blue extended universes--

- Jax, quick word?

- A quick fucking word!

Hang tight guys.

- I think I figured out
what's going on, Sarge.

- One of us murdered a thespian, Simmons.

I'm sure whoever it was
feels terrible about myself.

- Based on what Jax
said, about as much time

has passed here as we spent

recruiting the rest of our team.

We're back in the present.

Back in the now.

- Why are we in the now, Simmons?

We were supposed to be in the then!

- I don't think the donut holes

can handle so many grown men.

I think the thing kicked
us to the present.

- Hey hey, great news!

- The actor survived?

- Nah, he's dead as shit.

Honesty, you guys did me a solid.

Access Hollywood just released a tape

of him saying some really horrible stuff.

We'll get free press from the "accident"

and I get to recast the role.

Win-win.

- Recast?

Got anyone in mind?

Like someone who takes
excellent headshots?

- Oh I don't know.

All the good actors are dead.

What if--

- Wardrobe question, Mr. Jonez!

- Fuck!

On my way!

This is my life.

I can never finish a fucking sentence.

- Simmons, did you hear all that?

Starring role.

I'm a shoo-in.

- What about correcting the past?

- The past can wait.

It's not like it's going anywhere.

Here's the new plan.

I'll grab a copy of the script

and casually practice some lines

outside Jax's trailer with Private John.

Jax will overhear and hark,
be amazed at my performance.

- That's foolish.

- That's right, Simmons.

It's foolproof-ish.

All right, here he comes.

You ready to read?

- This ain't my first rodeo, cowboy.

I got the general idea.

- Just stick tot he script, Olivier.

Here we go.

Us?

Villains?

Ha!

Take a look in the mirror,
you dirty so-and-sos.

We are, I mean you all
were drafted by the UNSC

same as us or whatever,
something something.

Line.

- Listen to me!

Now you obviously adore hearing the ring

of your own voice, so why don't you use it

to tell me where my companions are at.

- Hmm, what is this?

- Well.

Your freelancer buddies are killers.

- That's too bad.

I rode a long trail to get here.

And ain't the type to
turn back empty-handed.

Are you gonna speak what I need to hear,

or am I gonna have to
smack that stupid grin

off your face with this here Winchester?

- Line.

- No more talk!

Reveal your hand!

- Oh bravo!

- Thank you.

I was really just getting warmed up there.

- Tell me, have you ever
acted professionally?

- Son, I've been in over 250 features.

- Why don't we make it 251.

- Him?

You can't!

- Sorry, space pilgrim.

Sometimes you just gotta roll with it.

- Everybody set!

Camera rolling and action!

- Simmons Science Log: Final Entry.

Private John has been cast as Temple

in the Red Versus Blue movie.

This turn of events has
caused head of research

Dick Simmons to undergo a
substantial existential crisis.

After all, logic has clearly fled reality.

Meaning is obviously imaginary.

Science is conclusively bullshit.

This is...

This is so stupid.

- Simmons, have you ever heard

the phrase my own worst enemy?

- I think I know where you're
going with this, Sarge.

- I am my own worst
enemy's worst nightmare!

Private John, that dirty son of a gun,

has stolen everything from me.

And come hell or high water,
we're gonna steal it back.

- What about the mission?

You know what?

Who cares.

I'm done with science anyway.

- Science schmience.

- Science schmience indeed, sir.

You know, I'm thinking
of giving religion a try.

(transition music)

- Oh assembled hosts.

Masters, our king has
commanded you all here

to assemble the great
quorum of the cosmic powers.

- If we are to discuss nominations,

in the Gamma sector a race
of bipedal Displorians

have harnessed the power of fire.

They are most promising.

- This is in regards to another matter.

- So the rumors are true?

- Yes.

The great prophecy is unfolded.

- He speaks truth.

I was there when the
fated pizza quest began.

- Pepperoni!

Sorry, I zoned out there for a sec.

What were we talking about?

- The end of the universe.

- About time if you ask me.

Up top!

- Silence!

It has been many eons
since the cosmic powers

interfered with the affairs of humans.

And now nine of these upstart apes

have forged a most unholy alliance.

- We should've been warned!

What have the fates spoken of this?

- The fates have not
spoken for some time now.

They are atop their tower
in sleep as deep as death.

- How were mortals able to
silence Destiny and her sisters?

- They may have had help.

From within.

- Sorry!

That was me.

(Genkins giggles)

I'm the traitor.

Whoopsie!

- It is not the time for your
tricks and games, idiot son!

- Well at least I tried.

- The Shisno have escaped into the past.

Their every action wears
thin chains that bind...

Him.

But these mortals cannot hide forever.

When they come up for air,
Muggins will find them.

And I will destroy them!

- It cannot be done.

They have "His" protection.

- I am King Atlus Arcadium Rex!

First among the cosmic powers!

God to the gods!

Slayer of titans!

If I wish these Reds and Blues
dead, they are dead already!

(gentle lute melody)

- Suck my balls off!

- No thank you.

- I refuse to let anyone else invent pizza

but the ancient Italians, Doc.

These assholes may be dumb as dirt,

but their blood is rich in tomato sauce.

- I actually think tomatoes are native

to the Americas which
haven't been discovered yet.

Which could explain, you
know, us sucking at this.

- Bullshit!

You understand, right?

Dough on the bottom, then the tomato!

Then the mozzarella!

Then you bake it, but
just the right amount!

Too much and you get a cracker crust

which is a mortal fucking
sin, you neanderthal!

Got it?

Hey, get back here!

- I still don't get why you just

don't invent pizza yourself.

You'd make millions.

- The whole point of pizza is
that someone else makes it.

- I've made pizza.

- Of course you have.

Vegan.

And by the way, being vegan
while made entirely of meat?

Kinda hypocritical.

- Grif, I know this was
technically my idea,

but I'm starting to question if this

is really the best use of a time machine!

- Doc, pizza is the food.

It's perfect in its simplicity.

Three ingredients.

A holy trinity that come together

to form a greasy triangle of perfection.

And from this thin slice
of Heaven man has created

an edible plate that anything can go on.

A new testament.

Infinite possibility!

- Uh-huh.

- A dessert pizza with a gingerbread base.

A Russian nesting pie with pizza bites

inside a pizza pocket inside
a calzone on top of a pizza!

- Grif.

- A pizza with a topping underneath?

- I'm just spitballing!

- You wanna talk about
infinite possibilities?

Grif, a time machine can saves lives.

We could cure the plague.

Stop the great alien
war from ever happening.

- You help yourself to all
these fucks I give, Doc.

'Cause I'm delivering history a pizza.

- Fine.

But if we're gonna teach these people

a new dish, we need to cook it for them.

(transition music)

- Fucking endless dickshell!

- Oh come on, it was bound to happen.

- You crushed Catherine
the Great with a horse.

- How was I supposed to know

that sex rope was load bearing?

- You crushed Christopher
Reeve with a horse.

- I learned a valuable lesson.

Time travel spooks horses.

And that dude's not really Superman.

Life's an education, babe.

- I'm a simple girl with a simple itch.

Time travel sex tourism.

And you're screwing it up!

- Sounds like someone has the
sands of time in her vagina.

- Ugh!

And what even is this dump?

- [Tucker] Our old home.

Iris.

Present day.

I figured the others might be

waiting here and we could form up.

- So you're sick of me already?

- Well no, I just, I
thought you were sick of me.

- Aw Tucker, sweetheart, is
that really what you think?

- Well yeah.

- Good job!

That's the most perceptive
you've been all day.

Now dig me up some booze so I can forget

how you fucked up my
date with Paul Walker!

- What can I say?

I've gotten used to six pedals.

Two is harder now.

- Okay, so we took a trip to the present,

picked up a couple things.

You're gonna love it!

I make this all the time.

- Uh-huh.

Whoa.

- Yeah!

Pizza a la Doc!

Gluten free coconut flour
dough, seaweed based

tomato puree substitute,
and, drum roll please,

a lactose free low fat goat cheese.

- How did you ruin pizza?

Fuck this.

I'm taking a nap.

We'll try again when I wake up.

If I wake up.

Pizza deficiency.

- It's 2 in the afternoon!

- We're not voting on this, Doc.

I let you tag along with me, which is more

than you deserve if I'm being honest.

- I'm sorry, Grif.

For what it's worth I think it's great

to see you're so motivated.

- Save it.

Something I love was taken
from me and I have to fix it.

You wouldn't understand.

- Grif.

I had a little brother.

His name was Deke.

He died.

Drowned specifically.

We were alone by a river.

I looked away for just a second and...

(dramatic music)

I pulled him out of the
water, but I didn't know CPR.

All I could do was feel
his pulse fade and stop.

My whole medic career's just
trying to fix that one moment.

So.

Yeah.

I know what it's like to--

(Grif snoring)

Oh gosh darn it!

How did this happen?

"Let's make a pizza.

"Oop, a million people died
in a preventable disaster.

"Whatever, I'm Grif, more pepperoni!"

Ugh, it's all my fault.

If I hadn't betrayed him I'd
be off saving lives right now.

Sorry, Deke.

- [Kai] This stuff is potent.

- While we were gone the base finally

got a new shipment of power armor.

And Lopez's suit needs antifreeze.

- I finally see the good inside him.

- I'm psyched for the new suit.

I've been wearing this one for years.

It's starting to feel a bit clammy--

- Shh shh shh, shut the fuck up!

I haven't forgotten
you ruined history sex.

- Oh.

- I could've rode Abraham
Lincoln's beard, dude.

I could've been a Roman
orgy's molten core.

Had Lancelot slay me like a dragon.

You understand?

- I get it.

- I wanna roll sex dice
on a Jumanji board.

I wanna get my dick sucked!

I wanna be murdered!

- You're all about the weird sex, I know.

Loud and clear.

- And never ever with
you because you're stupid

and your face is stupid and I hate you.

- I hate you so much!

Every time you speak it's like a little

annoying jackhammer
busting into my helmet.

- I hate you more than people

who hold up their phones at shows.

- I hate you so much
that if I was in a room

with you and Hitler, and
I only had one bullet,

I would shoot Hitler but
actually feel bad about it!

- I hate that you don't remember

that we did that last week.

- Oh fuck, I hate that I
forgot I killed Hitler!

And I mean I hate you
for always correcting me!

- I hate you so much that
I wanna rip that suit

off your stupid body and
hate sex you to death!

- I hate...

Wait, was that a death
threat or a proposition?

- Yes.

- I hate that I love this.

I'm in.

- This is gonna be fucking epic.

We'll need a safe word.

How about--

(air horn blaring)

What's that noise?

- Oh real funny.

Now you're doing a me.

- No I'm serious, listen.

(air horn blaring)

I think the antifreeze is kicking in.

- [Tucker] Oh yeah, let's do this.

- Yeah!
- Woo!

- Antifreeze trip!

Fuck my shit up!

- Behold, mortals!

From the great center of
the galaxy, your Lord,

God, and Divine Creator has come to speak!

He is first among the cosmic powers!

The binder of titans!

The totality of the universe!

- Ooh I may need the chill out tent.

I see a talking lens flare.

- Hey JJ Abrams, shouldn't
you be in a reboot?

- King Atlus Arcadium
Rex has come before you!

The reaper of souls!

Crusher of worlds!

- Hey, my uncle's prog rock band called.

They want their album cover back.

- Silence!

I, king of the cosmic powers, have honored

you pathetic mortals with
this audience out of pity.

I possess the power to shake planets.

To snuff out civilizations like candles.

I am almighty!

But I am not without mercy.

Give up your blasphemous time travel.

I will spare you from destruction.

- I'm pretty destroyed already, dude.

Boosh.

- Mortal curs!

I will not ask again!

Bow before me and forfeit
your time machines,

or I will blast you to
elementary particles!

- Just do it!

- Smite us!

- You dare taunt Atlus?

- We totally dare.

- Oh shit.

Hey Kai, I just realized something.

Is it weird that we're having

the same hallucination at the same time?

- Oh.

Oh fuck.

(dramatic music)

- Okay buddy, let's go.

- Great.

Pizza time.

- Doc, pizza's important.

- Here we go.

- Pizza itself is a
Venn diagram of how much

pizza I wanna eat and
how much pizza exists.

But you wanna save lives.

So pizza can wait.

A bit.

- You mean it?

- A little bit, okay?

But we are definitely
getting back to pizza.

- Oh no.

No!

Don't do it!

- Huh?

Doc, isn't that the...

Ow, dick!

(Doc laughs)

- Oh Grif.

(maniacal laughing)

You fool!

- O'Malley?

- Yes, 'tis I!

Enjoy the sixth century.

(menacing laugh)

Gotcha.

- Pizza!

- Well that's a bummer.

- Holy fuck, I'm alive!

- Holy fuck, I'm glad this visor's tinted.

- Grr!

- My arm hair's all staticky.

Is that what you meant to do?

- Could you smite me just here on my back?

I got this wicked knot.

- Grr!

- Oh yeah, right there.

- So my sister spoke truth.

You Shisno are truly under
the protection of Him.

Even my infinite power cannot

pass through His cursed firewall.

- Cool story, bro.

We're gonna go ahead
and get out of here now

if that's all right with you.

- Oh I am far from finished.

It is true I cannot harm you directly.

However, my friend here he...

Sorry, what was your name again?

- Raargh!

- Raargh here can do whatever he pleases.

As a cyclops nothing will please him

but ripping you apart and
feasting on your entrails.

- Raargh!

- Raargh indeed.

- Ahh!

Run!

(suspenseful music)

- [Tucker] Let's get the hell out of here!

- Are you sure, Tucker?

You could show me how great
a fighter you really are.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I could.

- Wait, why have you stopped running?

Tucker I was just giving you shit!

Let's get the hell out of here!

- You know, I could use the workout.

I've been falling behind
on my training lately.

- Yeah, do it!

You wuss!

- Tucker!

Shove that giant ego back in your suit

and let's fuck the hell
off, it's a cyclops!

- Oh come on, how is one
eye scarier than two?

- Fine!

If you wanna kill yourself
as least give me the time--

- Raargh!

- Welp.

Good luck have fun!

- Luck?

I've got depth perception!

Dick.

(Atlus laughs)

Oh that's it!

You're going...

Down?

Balls.

Oh.

Ball!

Singular!

I guess that makes sense.

- Okay Huggins, you're
marooned in the actual past.

You need to stop this
primitive orange mortal

and his Shisno friends from
destroying time itself.

No biggie.

No biggies.

Idea one: grease the wheels of time!

Fly around at the speed of light.

Let relativity do its thing.

Bingo bango, back to the future.

Meanwhile, the Shisno free an ancient

time god and we all die screaming.

One for the maybe pile.

Okay, idea two: murder.

I bet he murders up real nice.

No!

I can't do a murder.

It's against my personal code!

And the law.

Stupid physics.

I'm gonna have to reason with the monkey.

And in doing so break divine decree

and get tortured in the
underworld for eternity.

Win some lose some.

Hi Grif!

I'm Huggins!

- It's gonna be okay, Grif.

You've been eating a lot
of wild mushrooms lately.

This was bound to happen sooner or later.

- I'm not a hallucination!

I know you don't know me and
this probably sounds crazy,

but you and me are going
to need to work together

to escape the past or we're both dead!

- Uh-huh, sure.

And who are you exactly?

Tinkerbell?

- Oh yeah, good one.

I'm Huggins.

The gods sent me to spy on you.

- Right.

The gods.

Of course.

If you'll excuse me, I
think we're done here.

- Welp, that could've gone better.

(Raargh laughs)

- Ahh, I changed my mind!

Let's grab my sword and
get the fuck outta here!

- I got the time portal gun!

Shit.

Find cover!

(Tucker whimpers)

- Weapons.

Come on, come on!

Idea.

Ahh!

- Huzzah!

A fine kill!

(Atlus laughs)

- Hmm?

Raargh!

- Surprise, unibrow!

- Raargh!

- No!

- Ow my back.

Woohoo!

Up yours, Dunder-Mifflin!

Sister!

Did you see that?

Sister!

- What?

- Were you looking?

- No!

- Goddammit!

- Shit.

Hey!

- What?

- You know that cliche in horror movies

where the main character thinks they've

killed the monster and
lets their guard down

for a second, but actually it's slowly

getting up behind them
without them knowing?

- Yeah?

- Run!

- I hit you in the face with
a fucking car, you dick!

(suspenseful music)

Ha ha ha!

You can't get me.

Your dumb fat hand doesn't fit.

You can't just force
the whole hand in, bro.

You gotta start with one finger.

Oh fuck it speaks English!

Ahh!

- Hey!

One eye!

- Hmm?

- Hope you like swords in your face!

- Sister no!

(Kai war cries)

- Come on, come on.

- It only turns on for
me, bow-chica-bow-wow!

- What?

- Raargh!

- My tailbone.

- I'm coming, baby.

Ahh!

- Raargh!

- This is ridiculous.

This thing has to have a weakness.

- It's a cyclops.

- Duh!

- No, Tucker, it has one weakness.

- What is it?

- What does it have one of?

- Oh!

Oh of course.

Come on come on!

Shoryuken motherfucker!

Holy shit that was terrifying!

I almost overshot and
went right up his butt.

- Oh fuck!

I need to see that.

Go back in time and try again.

- Bah!

Beginner's luck.

- Screw that, I just slayed your monster.

- A good first round.

And next.

His wife.

- Raargh!

- They've been trying
for a child you know.

Shall I tell her you destroyed

her husband's only testicle?

Or would you like to?

- Nope.

- Nope.

- Nope.

- Loseth not thy faith, mine fasty cousin.

The Lord God doth gaze upon all of us.

I assure you, we art all
part of His holy plan.

- Hi?

- Be thee demons?

Hellspawn?

- It matters not.

Have at thee!

(gentle acoustic guitar music)

- Have I ever told you about my cat Loki?

- Nope.

- Had him back when I was a kid.

Loki was always getting into trouble.

One time he got stuck up
in a tree in our backyard.

My mom's about to call the fire department

when dad stops her.

He says he'll handle it.

So he sends her inside
and gets out his chainsaw.

- Oh no.

- Oh yeah.

Dad was never much of a cat person.

So he starts to cut the
tree down, but it falls

the wrong way right into the power lines.

- Oh no!

- Yeah.

Poor Loki was electrocuted.

Falls 30 feet out of this tree.

Lands on his feet, walks
away like nothing happened.

- Impressive.

- This other time we
found Loki in the dryer

after my ma had finished
a load of laundry.

Another time we find him in
the engine of dad's truck.

You get the idea.

Cat lived to be 25 years old.

Nine lives you know.

- Sounds like your spirit animal.

- Huh.

- How's the head?

- Better.

You were right about the fresh air.

Dr. Grey tell you about this place?

- There's a training course nearby.

It's where I like to keep in shape.

- Show me.

Aww, I haven't seen one
of these since basic.

You wanna race?

- Come on, Wash.

You're on the mend.

You are not in any condition to compete.

- I'm fine Carolina, trust me.

You're just scared you'll
lose one of these days.

- You didn't stand a chance before...

Before you got old.

(manic action music)

- Oh yeah.

There we go.

If you're gonna give me a
head start you'll regret it.

- Sorry to be the bearer
of bad news, Wash.

Today is not the day that you beat me.

- That's cheating.

- Oof!

- Argh!

- No shame in asking for help.

- Shove it!

Ahh!

- Wash!

You okay there?

- What happened?

- Your bar snapped.

You took a tumble.

- I know that.

The hell are we even doing out here?

I'm not in any condition
to race, Carolina.

- I know.

- Next time you're feeling competitive,

find someone else to challenge.

You can't rush me like this.

- Wash.

- Whatever.

Let's head back.

- [Doctor] Physically
speaking, Agent Washington's

recovery has been remarkable.

- I'm not concerned about his body.

He's still suffering from these lapses.

- Hmm.

Not uncommon for someone
with an injury like his.

How frequent are the episodes?

- Hard to say.

He...

(loud drilling)

You know, if this isn't a good
time I can always come back.

- Nonsense!

It's just an autopsy.

I didn't figure you
for the squeamish type.

Please continue.

- Wash is perfectly normal one minute.

Then seemingly at random he, you know.

There has to be something else we can try.

- Hold this please.

- See, the brain is an organ.

Like an other part of the body,

it will repair itself to a point.

What that point is, only time will tell.

- Wait and see.

That's not very comforting.

- Really.

As it happens, I'm not especially

known for my beside manner.

You on the other hand have
made a wonderful nurse.

Agent Washington is a lucky man.

- No.

A lucky man would've had a better partner.

Someone keeping an eye out for him.

- Phooey!

He's a soldier.

He shoots, he gets shot.

That's the whole design.

You can set that down anywhere.

I take it you still haven't told him.

- Not yet.

I believe it will slow the recovery.

- For my patients I prefer

to lay everything out on the table.

- I can see that.

(squishy plop)

Washington was the strongest Freelancer.

Spiritually.

Every time he was hurt he would
just bounce right back up.

If we tell him he's a broken man...

It's better this way, I think.

I don't know.

- Quite the paradox
you've found yourself in.

I'm not envious.

- Thanks.

- Dare I ask, have you heard

any word from our wayward sheep?

- I'm sure the Reds and
Blues can handle themselves.

Wherever they are.

(transition music)

- It's way better than the last one!

- Shut up.

Go away.

Leave me alone.

- Have you thought about what I said?

About our team up.

- Never gonna happen, spark plug!

You work for the people or
things that destroyed pizza!

So congratulations, you've invented

something worse than Nazis!

- Not true!

That must've been you or your friend.

Why would I mess with gross food?

I'm made of light.

- And that's the other thing.

I'm not working with a talking lens flare.

It's stupid.

Really stupid.

- I'm not a "lens flare".

I'm a sentient light being.

It's not that weird.

Heck, you're one the made
of blood and bones and meat.

- Please stop talking about food.

- I understand that you
may have trust issues

after your friend stabbed you in the back.

- Not my friend.

- It wasn't his fault though.

- And how exactly is that?

- Well to understand what
really happened to Doc

I have to tell the story
of the beginning of time.

The oldest myths of my species tell

of a great war between gods and titans--

- Stop it!

I am not sitting through
fucking exposition.

- I'll tell you what I saw.

At night when you were sleeping

Doc would become someone else.

He would transform into this other Doc

with a weird voice and cheesy laugh.

- O'Malley?

- My species' myths always warned

that time travel warps weaker minds,

drawing them in by offering them

the ability to fix their mistakes.

If you give into it too deeply

you become a Shisno, an agent of Chrovos!

- If you knew Doc was
breaking bad, why the hell

did you let me give him the time machine?

- I couldn't say anything!

It's against the rules!

I'm going to be in boatloads of trouble

for talking to you now,
but you and me have got

to work together to get
back to the present.

- Still not happening.

- But Grif, one of your friends

may be corrupted by Chrovos!

- If I had a time machine I'd used it

to go back to the beginning
of this conversation.

The part where I said shut up, go away.

Leave me alone.

- We can't spend the rest of
our lives in ancient Italy!

- Shut up!

Go away!

Leave me alone!

- I know where your sister is!

Here on Earth!

In this time period!

- Shut up!

Go away!

Leave me alone!

- I'm made of light.

Bullets can't hurt me, dumb dumb.

- Fuck off, sparky!

Leave me alone before I find

a black hole and shove your ass inside!

(whimpering)

(answering machine beeps)

- [Dylan] Hi Carolina.

It's Dylan.

Dylan Andrews.

Please give me a call
back when you get this.

Thanks.

(answering machine beeps)

Dylan again.

This is not about a story.

Something else.

(nervous laugh)

Really important.

I found the Reds and Blues.

Call me back.

Please.

(answering machine beeps)

Dylan here.

Call me.

Soon as you get this call me.

I think I might be losing my mind.

Call me call me call me!

(answering machine beeps)

Carolina, finally.

- Hi Dylan.

What's going on?

You found the guys?

- [Dylan] You could say that.

Hold on, I'm gonna send you something.

You might wanna sit down.

- That's interesting.

Did you find this on the internet?

- [Dylan] The Guggenheim actually.

This painting is
apparently 2,000 years old.

- Bullshit.

- [Dylan] It's been carbon dated.

It's real.

And apparently Tucker isn't alone.

This one's Mayan.

- [Carolina] Lopez?

- [Dylan] And this is Egyptian.

The inscription is 5,000 years old.

- Caboose?

Oh no.

- [Dylan] I've been
sitting around thinking

"Dylan Andrews, you've
lost your damn mind."

And then I thought, Loco
built a time machine.

I saw it work.

Right after that, the Reds
and Blues went missing

and now they're showing
up in history books.

Carolina--

- Please don't say it.

- [Dylan] I think the Reds and Blues--

- Don't!

- [Dylan] Are lost in time.

- Ugh.

- [Dylan] The situation is very strange.

- Understatement of a lifetime.

I was worried when they
didn't show up on Chorus.

Obviously.

But it's not unlike them
to get lost, just...

Oh god, not this kind of lost!

- [Dylan] Normally when
confronted with something

I don't understand I consult the experts.

Scientists.

But time travel isn't a science.

I checked and proceeded to get
laughed out of the building.

But I do know one person who might help.

Seems to know more about time
travel than anyone living.

Problem is he's on location.

You'll have to go in person.

- Me?

- [Dylan] For the sake of my career,

and sanity, I'm sitting this one out.

- Any chance it'll fix itself?

The Reds and Blues might
get unlost in time right?

- [Dylan] Possibly, but that's

leaving an awful lot to chance.

I mean Caboose with a time machine?

- I'll hop on the next ship out.

(gentle lute melody)

- My sister's really here?

- Yeah!

She's in a place called England.

I found her while I was scouting around.

- And she's alone?

Is she in trouble?

- Not exactly.

She came with your friend Tucker.

- Tucker too huh?

And they got one of these time guns?

- Uh-huh!

I can get us there.

You changed your mind!

- If we work together, and I mean if,

it's just to get to my friends, okay?

- Okay!

- Just to be clear, I'm
not doing this to help you.

I'm doing this because I don't wanna spend

the rest of my life without
seeing a flushing toilet.

- Too much information!

- I've also got some demands.

Number one, no more exposition.

I don't wanna hear about
your gods or your titans

or your wars or your quest or anything.

- Got it.

I can keep a lid on it.

Honestly, I've been oversharing as it is.

I have a problem with keeping secrets!

- Number two, no talking in general.

- I'd give you a thumbs up,
but I ain't got no thumbs.

- Which brings me to number three.

Can you put yourself on
a dimmer or something?

- Done-zo!

If you're finished, I
have a demand of my own.

- What's that?

- Please don't joke about black holes.

A black hole killed my parents.

They are really scary.

- Deal.

- To England!

- It's not far is it?

- Italy to England?

It's a hop, skip, and a jump!

We'll be there in no time!

Once I had a top secret
mission from the gods

and traveled from the core planets

to the outer rim and back
again in a few seconds.

That was a trip.

- You just broke all three rules, Huggins.

- Right.

Technically we hadn't started yet?

- Sure.

- Ooh yes!

- Huggins!

- Sorry.

(transition music)

- Carolina, what brings you
to my neck of the woods?

- Looking for you.

Tried calling.

- I've been out walking.

- It's awful late.

- Couldn't sleep.

What's up?

- So I have some news about
our multicolored friends.

- They're in trouble and need our help.

Thank god, I was starting to get bored.

When do we lift off?

- I was going to hop on
the next transport out.

Dr. Grey said she'd keep
you company while I'm gone.

It should only be a few days.

- Hey, if the gang's
in trouble I'm coming.

- You're on the mend, Wash.

- I'm fine.

More than anything, I need
something to focus on.

A problem to solve.

All this sitting around is
making me feel fuzzy-brained.

- We're just going to
talk to Dylan's expert.

Nothing serious.

- Sounds fun.

Trust me, I'm fine.

I know myself.

I take a hit, I bounce back.

- I know you do.

- It reminds me, I ever
tell you about my cat Loki?

(dramatic music)

- Nope.

- [Washington] Had him
back when I was a kid.

He was our family pet.

Loki was always getting into trouble.

(rock music)

♪ I feel the rush ♪

♪ It fucks me up ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ I feel the rush ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ It fucks me up ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ I feel the rush ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

♪ When I think about you ♪

(electronic ethereal music)

(orchestral accompaniment)

(soft acoustic guitar music)

(electropop accompaniment)