Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - The Mother of Destruction - full transcript
(adventurous music)
(speaking foreign language)
(adventurous music)
(light whirring)
(speaking foreign language)
(melancholy music)
(water rustling)
- Listen Simmons, I got
some things to say to you.
Some things I gotta get
off my chest, buddy, buddy?
Nah, not buddy, stupid, Friend?
Friend.
No, friend, definitely friend.
Anyway, I've had a bit of time
to think about some things.
Lots of time, actually, oodles of time.
Oodles of buckets of times
of time, tiempo de mucho,
mucho de tiempo.
Now listen, Simmons...Simmons.
Cinnamon, simalaria.
Focus Grif!
Now things ended really
bad out there, buddy.
No friend, and I've been thinking.
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
I need to tell you that I am super duper,
I'm so incredibly...
- Hungry, you're hungry aren't you?
- No Simmons, I'm not hungry,
that's not what I'm trying to say.
What I'm trying to say is that I am...
- Thirsty?
Glug glug.
- No. What I am trying to say
is that I am incredibly...
- Lazy?
Good for nothing?
Waste of fatty tissue and brain cells?
- Not now Sarge, I'm
trying to talk to Simmons.
It's important.
- Not as important as your job Grif.
You know, you're supposed
to be on guard duty.
(mock laughing)
- Sarge, we've covered this.
Technically I am on break.
- It's not every week
that command sees fit
to send us the latest and greatest
in invisible hover tank technology Grif.
Instead of guarding it,
you're over there playing grab ass
with private Dick Simmons.
- I'm sure the tank is fine.
It's not like it's gonna disappear.
(melancholic music)
- Nothing here,
just like the inside of
that thick skull of yours.
Knock, knock, nobody's home.
- Why are you blaming me?
I left Onin Lopez in charge.
(speaking foreign language)
- I was in my bunk giving myself a facial.
(giggling)
Entendre.
- I can't tell you how
disappointed I am in you Grif,
but I'll try.
I just finished swapping
out the headlight fluid
and converting the brakes to diesel.
It was a finely tuned
callback killing machine.
And you lost it.
- [Grif] I'm telling
you it wasn't my fault.
Stop blaming me.
I was busy, busy, busy, busy.
Busy as a bee, busy, busy
bee body, body bee busy.
- Ruining everything
like always and forever.
- I have an idea, let's make
a likely list of suspects.
Somebody obviously stole the tank.
- Come on guys, we know who did it.
Let's just skip to act three.
(melancholic music)
- Hey, we know you
assholes stole our tank.
Now you got to give it back.
- Look who finally showed up.
You're too late Grif, it's over.
- What's over?
- He's dead, my best friend is dead.
Purple pineapple random nonsense.
(laughing)
- You were supposed to
bring the air pump Grif.
Now I have gonorrhea and a dead friend.
- You promised.
- Oh, I, I forgot,
Oh, Caboose.
I can go get it right now.
Maybe it's not too late.
- It's too late, it's over.
I'm sad now and forever
there's nothing you can do about it.
Kangaroo, banana, kangaroo,
my heart's in a pouch.
- No, no, no, no, no, not again.
This is not gonna happen again.
Now listen everyone, I got
a thing, I gotta say it.
I'm like super, duper, spectacularly...
- Selfish.
- Useless.
- Repressed.
- Fat.
- Shut up and listen to me.
Everyone, I am so, so,
- Completely insane.
(intense music)
I would know.
- Locus?
No, aw fuck, you're
not really real, right?
I mean, I'm just hallucinating.
- You're not hallucinating.
- Then you're here to kill me?
- I'm not here to kill you either.
- No, that's bullshit dude,
you are like, death personified.
- Grif.
- Ah, fuck you're voice is still so scary.
- If even half of what
this robot says is true,
then you're going to need my
help to save your friends.
(intense music)
Stop touching my face.
- Ah fuck, you are real.
- We've been over this.
I'm real and I'm here to help,
assuming you've still got any sanity left
in that helmet of yours.
- Oh, I'm sane as a fiddle.
I got oodles in me just ask Doc.
Huh, where'd he go?
Well, that's Doc for ya, am I right?
- Hmm.
- Wait, the gang's in trouble?
How did you find out?
Did you see them?
Did you talk to them?
Did you touch Simmons?
How's Simmons?
Did he talk to you?
What have you been doing lately?
What happened to the X on your helmet?
Did you see Sarge?
Are my friends okay?
Is Sarge dead?
Are my friends okay?
- I don't have all the information.
I only know what the robot told me.
(Grif speaking foreign language)
(Helmet speaking foreign language)
(Grif speaking foreign language)
(Helmet speaking foreign language)
- I wasn't aware you were bilingual.
- I had to learn, from Lopez's lines.
- You have had a lot
of time on your hands.
- Buckets, oodles, oodles of
noodles and toaster strudels.
tiempo de mucho, mucho
de tiempo, 15 seasons.
- Focus.
- Right, We should go.
We should go help the guys.
- We should.
My ship is ready.
Just so you're aware, we're
likely in for a fight.
- Then there's no time to waste.
Oh wait, I can bring the gang, right?
- Absolutely not.
- This is exciting.
You still have that sword?
Are you a good guy now?
Aren't best friends awesome?
You ever miss Felix?
Hey, I'm orange just
like your last partner.
Cool ship by the way,
I bet that's an awesome side story.
Does it have a name?
How about the Locus Pocus?
I hope everyone doesn't hate me.
Do you ever worry about people hating you?
I don't.
- I don't remember you being like this.
- Yeah, well, I don't remember you
being anything but a huge dick,
but here you are being
cool so people change.
How long is this trip gonna take anyway?
Do you have any music?
Man, it feels good to
talk to somebody again.
Can I be the DJ?
Is there a bathroom on this ship?
Can I drive?
I thought I was going to
go crazy for a while there
but I'm sane as a fiddle.
How many people have you killed?
Where did you grow up?
Do you ever get lonely?
- Please stop talking.
- You got any brothers and sisters?
Did you kill any of your
brothers and sisters?
Do you have issues sharing?
Can I drive?
Did you ever eat migas?
I love migas, queso, am I right?
Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Have you ever tried growing a mustache?
On the inside or the
outside of your helmet?
- Grif.
- Can I drive?
Do you think the gang found Church?
Do you ever go to church?
Are you religious at all?
I'm agnostic.
Hey, do you want to stop for a pizza?
I bet the guys are hungry.
We should bring them a pizza.
Pepperoni, no, sausage.
Everybody likes mushrooms.
What's your favorite pizza place?
I like Sammies over in Ithica.
- This is going to be
a long trip, isn't it?
- I hope so.
We have a lot of catching
up to do, partner.
Speaking of which, why
are you helping us anyway?
- It's a long story, but mainly,
it's the right thing to do.
- Turning over a new fucking leaf.
Dude, I am all about it.
It's a new beginning for both of us.
Just so you know though,
doing the right thing
usually totally sucks.
- I am acutely aware
of that at the moment.
- So how do you feel about Cloud Atlas?
(intense music)
(footsteps thudding)
- You wanted to see me sir?
- Just one second.
God damn fucking pop-ups.
If I find out Buckey's been
downloading porn again,
I'm going to flush him
out the pressure lock.
(clears throat)
- Sarge, I thought we should catch up.
- If it's about Simmons, sir,
I've already given him a stern talking to.
Perhaps in a few days, we
can give him another chance.
- Yeah, that's not happening.
There's, there's just
no time you understand.
Our machine is finished and
it's time to see if it works.
(Sarge sighs)
- Understood.
- Sarge, I really called
you in here because
I wanted to see how you were holding up.
I can only imagine this must be
a really difficult time for you.
- Mm.
- Speak freely, Sarge, please.
- Well, it ain't been no cakewalk,
but I didn't reach the rank of Colonel
by only following the orders I liked.
- You are an inspiration to us all.
Which brings me to my point.
I'm promoting you.
- Oh really?
- The war ahead will need
capable and loyal leaders.
If I had a dozen like you, Sarge,
the UNSC wouldn't stand a chance.
- You can count on me, sir.
Does that mean, am I a...?
- That's right, Super Colonel.
- Super Colonel Sarge?
(Sarge laughing)
Boy, that rings like a bell, don't it?
- Sure does.
(Sarge laughing)
- Temple, you need to come see this.
- What is it?
- We have an intruder.
- What?
Why haven't you sounded the alarm?
- It's not that kind of situation, sir.
(intense music playing)
- Biff?
- Nah, I'd know that pudgey
out of breath waddle anywhere.
That's Grif.
- How long has he been at it?
- A while, he's been
going round in circles.
(Sarge laughing)
- The hell is he thinking?
- Yippe ki-yay motherfuckers.
Dun, dun, dun, dun uh.
(Grif mocking radio static)
Uh, this is Snake to Big Boss,
no sign of surveillance.
(Grif mocking radio silence)
Hello there.
- What the hell is he doing now?
- Snacking.
It's amazing he's made it this long.
- Some rescue.
- He's going for the vent.
- That's going to be a tight fit.
- All right, all right.
Someone butter him up and
pull his fat ass out of there.
- You have to use something
other than butter though.
Otherwise he'll just lick it off.
- Howdy everyone, how are
our fine guests doing?
- Fuck you.
- Charming.
Well gang I thought we
should have a little chat
before I bid my final adieu.
After all, our business
together isn't quite finished,
is it?
- You're god damn right, it's not.
- Let's try and be civil, okay?
We're all adults here, age wise at least.
- If you think for one second
that you're going to get away with this.
- Oh, still holding out hope
for that last minute rescue?
Don't.
- Grif?
- Simmons.
- Grif?
- Simmons.
I mean, Grif,
you know, is it a bad time to
tell you that I'm color blind?
- You got my message.
- I did, oh guys, there's
so much I need to tell you.
- It can wait.
- No, not another minute.
I'm sick of waiting, I am sorry.
Everyone, Simmons, I'm
sorry I left like that.
Tucker, I'm sorry I didn't come with you.
- Shut up please.
- Caboose, I'm sorry I
didn't help you find Church.
That makes me a bad friend.
- It's okay, I know he's still out there.
(Temple laughing)
- Really?
You think so?
- Stop it.
- But I don't want to.
Caboose, would you like to
hear Church's full message?
We got the whole recording right here.
He talks about you.
- Really?
- Play it Loco.
(audio beeping)
- [Speaker] Playing archive
message from Blood Gulch Outpost
- [Churches Voice Recording]
Control, Control, do you read?
This is Church from Blood
Gulch Outpost Alpha, over.
If you're getting this, it's an emergency.
You've got to send a plumber
as soon as you get this, please.
Tucker and Caboose,
they flushed a damn
grenade down the shitter
and it exploded and its
everywhere, control.
It's coming out of the god
damn walls, for Pete's sake.
Send help. Please.
We need, I need a plumber.
Fuck, and some god damn new recruits too
because I'm about to murder these two.
Church out.
(audio beeping)
- [Speaker] End message.
- It's crazy what you can do
with editing software these days.
What's the matter Tucker?
Cat got your tongue?
I'm curious.
Do you all remember that?
Granted, it happened a long time ago
in a Gulch far, far away,
but still, it must have
been a memorable episode.
- I, I don't get it.
Is he back at Blood Gulch?
- No, god damn it.
We. Lied. To. You.
He's dead.
- For now.
- No forever.
How fucking stupid are you?
- Christ man, lay off.
- What the fuck ever, he's an adult, okay?
Maybe if you all didn't
treat him like some big baby,
he would understand
something as simple as death.
As dying and being gone forever.
- I'll give him a real
world example if you
unlock this fucking cell.
- Oh whoa, great plan.
I'm gonna hop right on that.
- You changed his message so
we would come looking for you?
- Bingo, thank you.
I had help of course.
Loco's the one who did the scrambling.
- Look-
(stammering)
See, what happened, we
can still be friends.
- No, you can't.
This is goodbye, we are leaving.
Onward to a victory.
Adieu, adieu farewell.
(Temple laughing)
Nailed it.
- Hey Tucker, thanks for the sword bro.
- It won't work for you asshole.
- It's still got uses.
I think your mom will love
it if you know what I mean.
A boom chicka wah wah.
(Buckey laughing)
(door whooshing)
(sinister music)
- What was all that about?
- Oh, not much. Went in to
offer our guests every comfort
and they chewed me out.
But we'll treat them
well, Super Colonel Sarge.
- Ah, Good.
- Uh, need to talk to
you about something else.
- Awaiting orders sir.
- It's about that reporter.
- I'm sorry Caboose.
- Gone, gone.
Like Simmons said on Scary Planet.
- Yes.
- Forever.
- Forever.
- But...
- Sorry, Caboose, not this time.
- But, but I never got to say goodbye
or thank you for being my friend.
- They'll pay for this, I
promise, I'll make them pay.
- We all will.
- You shut the fuck up Grif.
You've done enough already.
- Ease up dude, I did my best.
- Your best?
You fucking botched our
only chance of escape.
- No I didn't.
- You busted in here,
made an ass of yourself,
and got caught.
What do you call that?
- A pretty fucking sweet diversion.
(ominous whirring)
- Yo, it's back.
Oh, it's bad this time.
- Ignore it.
- I can't.
- I believe in you Wash.
- My kingdom, my kingdom
to scratch my nose.
- At least you didn't get
frozen in a God damn yoga pose.
I'm gonna to need a
week at the chiropractor
when we get out of here.
(Wash sighing)
- Wash,
stay awake Wash.
(Wash sighing)
- Just a little rest.
- You don't get to rest agent Washington.
(intense music)
Not yet.
- Oh, I'm hallucinating again.
This time it kind of looks like Locus.
- Wait, I see him too.
- This is awkward isn't it?
- That depends.
- Are you here to kill us?
(Locus groaning)
- I sure get that a lot.
(ominous music)
(back cracking)
- Oh yeah, that's the spot.
- Just give me one minute,
I'll be ready to fight.
- Doubtful, your life
support system has failed.
You're starving and dehydrated.
- Just one minute.
- So seems like you've been busy, big guy.
- What my delusional
friend is trying to say
is what the hell are you doing here?
- Several months ago,
the Blues and Reds stole
the power generator
from a colony of refugees.
- So it's a charity case?
- No, without clean water
and air, they perished.
Every man, woman, and child.
- Jesus.
- How did you find out about it?
Did you know them?
- I tracked the Blues
and Reds to this sector
where I found your robot
drifting towards a nearby black hole.
- Well, as soon as this elevator stops,
I'll be ready to kick ass and take names.
- We're not in an elevator.
- Oh, well in that case,
it's going to be up to
you three to save the day.
- Three?
- Yeah.
You, Locus, and big bird over there.
What up Big B?
- Both of you are past
the point of usefulness.
- You've never needed our help
mowing down soldiers before.
- I don't do that anymore.
- Wash is it possible to
hallucinate with your ears?
- I don't know officer.
I swear, I usually keep
it in the glove box.
- I promised myself I would change.
I'm not going back on that now.
- You really expect us to believe
you can just change overnight?
- Given the things you two
have done, I would hope so.
- This is gonna suck.
(door whooshing)
- Oh, hey, you here to see the script?
- Quiet.
You, guard.
Get on outta here.
- Sorry sir, I've been ordered to observe.
- Observe what?
- Temple's ordered for the
traitors to be put down.
(guard laughing)
- Traitors?
Do, do, do you mean us?
- That's right.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't kill me.
I haven't made my opus.
- I'm sorry, orders are orders.
- You can't be serious.
- How serious do I look?
- Okay, I know it's a cheap storing device
but we could really use a deus ex machina
right about now.
Or now, or now.
- No one's coming.
Not today.
(gunshot ringing)
- Oh God, you killed her.
Oh, you shot her right in the face,
I think.
I don't know for sure, because
I can't bear to open my eyes.
It's all right, Jax,
he did the right thing.
Your best bet is going
to be to hide somewhere
until the shooting dies down.
- We're coming with you.
Oh like hell.
I ain't your damn bodyguard.
- We can handle ourselves.
- Oh hogwash.
You let those idiots capture you.
- Well you worked for those idiots
- Did I, or perhaps I was
just pretending all along.
Maybe this whole time I was just acting
so I could save the
day at the last minute.
Oh yes, what a twist, I love this.
- Yeah.
I don't think anyone's
going to believe that.
- They will if you tell them.
- Are you asking for our help?
- I'm just going to point out here,
that I did just save your life.
- You saved us from you.
- Let me phrase this for you another way.
Pretty please with a cherry on top,
tell the guys this was my plan all along.
Oh,
have mercy,
don't make me beg,
you wouldn't like what it sounds like.
- Under one condition.
- Seriously what like
Russian, Scandinavian,
Pig Latin?
- My family history
ain't part of the deal.
How do you even spell it?
It sounded like 57 syllables.
- Well you need a Mandarin
keyboard to get it exactly right,
and the fifth letter is an emoji.
- Everyone keep quiet, someone's coming.
- I'm not here to kill you.
- Holy Shit.
- Oh fuck.
That is a terrible way to say hello.
- You?
What in Sam Hell are you doing here?
- Attempting a rescue.
- Same here.
You remember the procedure for this?
- Four.
(hand thumping)
- Come on, we ain't going
anywhere before we find out
who's leading the rescue mission.
(hand thumping)
Hot damn, paper after rock.
Brilliant move.
I guess I should expect nothing less
from a cunning murderous
bastard like yourself.
- Please stop talking.
- See, I told you guys, me
and Locus are partners now.
(sword swishing)
- Please stop.
- For the record, I hate this.
- I dig this.
- I hate this.
- Sarge.
- Grif.
Glad you're back.
- I guess I should say the same to you.
- Well, contrary to
what you may have heard.
I was secretly a good guy all along.
Now no need to thank me
everyone, please clap.
- Oh, bull fucking shit.
You just got done stabbing us in the back.
- Then I,
I, I order you all to forgive me.
- Not happening dude.
- We can deal with this later.
- No, we can't.
This Judas ain't coming with us,
he can stay in the empty
cell while we escape.
- That's a little extreme Tucker.
- Is it?
Those fuckers lied to us about Church,
imprisoned our friends,
and Sarge was there serving
them tea and biscuits.
- I didn't know about any of that.
The clever devils winded me, they were no,
know what, I take that back.
Men, the Blues and Reds didn't blind me,
I blinded myself.
I wanted an enemy so bad,
I turned my friends to enemies
and enemies to friends.
My real enemy was within.
- Yeah, I know what that is, that's gas.
- I don't expect you all
to forgive me immediately,
but I hope I'll earn the
privilege of your friendship
over time.
And I promise, each and every one of you,
it won't happen, ever, ever again.
Anytime soon, probably.
- Probably?
- I for one believed every word
and found that very moving.
Now, can we go please?
(gentle music)
- Trouble while we were gone?
- None, it's been quiet, too quiet.
- Oh Jesus, what did they do to you?
- We're fine.
- That's what she said.
Oh, high five up to, up top.
- Did you get your shoelaces?
- Are you okay?
Can you guys fight?
- Almost ready.
My strength's coming back to me.
- Lying isn't going to help.
We need to move now.
The longer we stay here,
the higher the chance we're detected.
- Well we didn't see
anyone on the way here.
This place suddenly
feels like a ghost town.
- They must have moved out
and left a skeleton
guard to watch the cells.
- Oh come on, we can handle one skeleton.
- The ghost town though,
we're going to need to
call someone for that.
- Times a wasting, gentlemen.
Let's get a move on.
- Not so fast.
We still don't know enough
about their machine.
- Fuck that.
It's time to get out of
here, not play Nancy Drew.
- All of this has been
building up to something big
and I don't think it's a press release.
- Jax and I are going to find
out what's really going on.
- Count me in.
- Whoa, did Grif just volunteer?
- And I'm ear hallucinating again Wash.
- Oh-oh spaghettios.
- Count me in.
- How about the rest
of us secure the exit?
- A decent plan, considering.
- Oh and that dude's
pretty much the worst.
He's a huge nerd and a huge suck up.
- And Gene sounds just like Simmons.
- What, does not?
- It's like way more than coincidental.
- Oh, I'm going to kill him.
- Your clone or that camera guy?
- Yes.
- It's gone, we're too late.
- All right, let's get back to the gang.
- Not so fast, there's
something I need to grab first.
fingers crossed.
(melancholic music)
- You seemed so serious when you left.
- I was a little heated.
- I thought you were gone for good.
- Yeah that was definitely the idea.
- What changed your mind?
- I don't know.
- Okay.
- Tucker, Caboose, Sarge,
fucking Donut, Simmons.
I hate those guys, I
mean hate, but holy hell
does shit get boring without them.
And you know, I figured
without me to beat up on,
y'all were doomed to
fall apart at the seams
on your hate glue.
- Well, I'm glad you're back.
- It's good to see you too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's good to see you.
- Yeah.
- Uh dude, what the fuck are you doing?
- Don't mind me,
I am just getting in
position for the kiss.
- What happened to him?
- He slipped.
(intense music)
- So much for an easy escape.
- Wait a second, these aren't skeletons.
- It's cool guys.
Locus can just call his alien spaceship.
- It's a crowded ship with two.
We need the Pelican.
- I'll cover you all from here.
- Your shotgun has an
effective range of two meters.
If anyone should provide cover it's me.
- I thought you swore off killing.
(Tucker laughing)
- Good one.
(Caboose laughing)
- Very funny joke and now I
need someone to explain to me,
am I laughing too hard?
- I did swear off killing,
but you don't need your kneecaps to live.
- What about your ship?
It's got weapons, right?
- Yes, they're very useful
for splitting asteroids,
less practical indoors.
No, this will require some planning.
If we play our cards right,
We can escape without
the need for violence.
- Fuck that.
These sons of bitches are our enemies
and I for one, am ready for
some motherfucking revenge.
- Tucker don't.
- Boo yah.
- Idiot.
- Cap, the kneecap.
(gunfire blazing)
- We had the element of surprise.
Now we're just fish in a barrel.
- We're fish with guns, let's use them.
(gunfire blazing)
(grunt groaning)
- The infidels have
escaped their confinement
let them feel our every wrath.
- Donut, quit standing there.
Make yourself useful.
Uh Donut, You're supposed
to pick the pin out first.
(grenade thuds)
(body clatters)
(gunfire blazing)
- Everyone, get cover.
- We're pinned, we might
die, it's so exciting.
- Locus, shoot him already.
- I have no shot, repositioning.
- Everybody just chill out
until, Wash, Wash, Wash,
what the fuck are you doing?
Wash, get down.
- Oh, hey.
(Wash groans)
(intense music)
- Wash, no.
- Cover me.
- Quick, Caboogey, with me.
(gunfire blazing)
- Remember us you maggots?
- God be damned, it's the beast!
After seven years of exile,
the destroyer has returned,
The prophecy is now
complete, the end is...
(grunt groans)
(punch thuds)
(punch thuds)
(punch thuds)
(punch thuds)
It's over, we have lost.
(screaming)
- This isn't good.
- Do something, someone.
A'rynasea come, quickly.
(ship revving)
Help me get him on the ship, now.
- Where are you taking him?
- To the nearest hospital,
he needs immediate care.
- Well, I'm coming too.
- No room.
- Fuck that.
- The enemy has a head start.
If you plan on stopping them,
your men are going to need you.
Now help me get him on the ship.
(ship revving)
(gentle music)
- Fuck me,
fuck all of this.
This is amazing Dylan, unbelievable.
- Why, how?
what's it do?
- This device is incredible.
No one in the lab has
seen anything like it.
Where'd you find these plans and pictures?
- That's not important.
What matters is what it does.
- [Doc] What it does?
What do you mean?
- You're the physicist, tell
me its damn function Doctor.
- It's a joke machine, a prank.
Who put you up to this,
those clowns in Stockholm?
- [Dylan] It's not a
practical joke, it's a weapon.
- [Doc] Listen Dylan,
this thing is no weapon,
it's nonsense.
The sheer sophistication of
the nonsense is unfathomable
it would take the worst minds
of our generation decades
to come up with something this stupid.
- So you're saying it doesn't work.
- [Doc] You sound concerned
so I'll walk you through.
Overall, it appears to be a
self powered tunneling device,
- A drill?
- [Doc] A laser drill, yeah,
like you'd find on a mining platform,
but the drills found on this thing
would take all the energy
of a star to function.
- This makes no sense.
- [Doc] And so we've come full circle.
Most of the machine is the power source
and that's the part
that's pure poppy cock,
pardon my French.
- So it definitely won't work.
- [Doc] It works as a hilarious joke.
- Well, I guess that's all I need.
- [Doc] I have to thank you for this,
the lab life can get so boring
if you catch my meaning.
We're going to have the interns,
plug it into the supercomputer
simulators for funsies.
I'll let you know what we find.
- You are welcome.
- Just great.
So all this is for fucking nothing.
- So what now?
- Well, there's the smart idea
where we crawl back to base
with our tails between our legs or...
- We counterattack with everything we got.
- Be serious guys.
The Blues and Reds could be
anywhere in the galaxy by now.
- Not anywhere Temple did say Earth.
- So anywhere on Earth,
that narrows it down to just one planet.
- Maybe they left behind clues.
Jax, what do you have
in the way of footage?
- Well, I am still sorting
through the dailies,
but I could be persuaded
to show some raw clips,
I mean, I don't have any color
correction or film grain,
but...
- You've got to start somewhere.
- Then I guess you all should get started.
I need some time to think anyway.
(footsteps thudding)
- Let him go,
he's clearly processing.
(clip whirring)
- Jesus, how much is there?
- It's about 200 hours.
You never know what you'll need in post.
- There, what's that?
- That's nothing.
I was chasing a moth around, you know,
kind of going for a Terrence Malick vibe,
and I stumbled into this room
that was totally covered in charts.
- Charts?
- Yeah, see right here.
(clip whirring)
What are they?
Planning a vacation?
- That close to the Arctic?
I doubt it.
- Those islands are zero
strategic importance to the UNSC.
Seems like a dead end.
- Okay, everyone.
I hoped it wouldn't come to this,
but you know that AI
assistant I've mentioned,
- Your dumb AI?
What about it?
He spent quite a bit of time
in the Blues and Reds network
so he might have information we can use.
- Bring them on out then.
What are you waiting for?
- I don't know how to say this so,
well just don't kill me,
all right, or him, Vic.
- Don't listen to her dudes.
(Vic laughing)
You should totally kill me
if it strikes your fancy
no pressure.
- No fucking way.
- God, what the hell is he doing here?
- He agreed to help me
back at Blood Gulch,
in exchange for a favor.
- That's right dudes, dudettes,
Vic has joined the gang. Officially.
No take backs.
- I can't believe this shit.
- What the hell have you been
doing for all these years?
- Hanging out with the group sister.
What's up dudes?
Nothing to say about that?
Eh, no bow wow, chic a week week.
- We're not really in the mood.
- Do you know the villain's
dastardly plans or not?
- If I say no, will you kill me?
- Vic?
- All right dudes, calm down, just joking.
Things have been getting a
little too seriouso lately
if you ask me.
Anyone else miss the good old days,
when we were all just
goofing around all the time?
Anywho, that Temple
dudeareno was totes magotes
obsessed with that shiny
new UNSC HQ on Earth.
- Hmm, sounds like an
ideal target, all right.
- Oh, this place is decked
out like you wouldn't believe.
Half a dozen checkpoints, shields,
a battalion of troops stationed there,
an entire fleet in the orbit overhead,
and two hot tubs.
- So that place is fortified
against an all out alien invasion.
There's no chance in
hell the Blues and Reds
are getting within 100 miles.
- Yeah, no kidding.
- All right, so what
the hell are they doing?
- The world's best swordsman.
The world's best swordsman
doesn't fear the second best.
He fears the worst,
because he can't predict
what the idiot will do.
- That's the key.
We need to think like them, like idiots.
- Why is everybody looking over here?
- Sarge, say you needed
to sneak attack someone.
- Who is in a heavily fortified position,
- unbelievable security all around,
what would you do?
(Sarge laughs)
- Easy peasy Japanesey,
I'd tunnel under their feet
and sneak attack from beneath,
just like it says in my
tattoo, death from below.
- And tie their shoelaces together
so they can't chase after me.
- Whambo, bambo, Jambo.
- Well, that was pointless.
- No, that's it.
Look, those islands on
the charts are here.
If we draw a line straight
through the center of the planet,
it ends up here, right
through the UNSC Headquarters.
- That's it?
they're going to tunnel through the earth
from those islands?
- This is insane.
- It's diabolical.
- It's really dumb, so I buy it.
- It makes a weird sort of sense.
According to the head of research at JPL
Loco's machine is a tunneling device.
- Red team, Blue team, we
have the enemy's position,
let's back up and prepare to move on out.
- We should make a few calls before we go.
- Well, I hate to point out
there's one other thing we're forgetting.
(melancholic music)
- Leave me alone Caboose, oh, it's you.
What do you want Grif?
- We know where they are Tucker.
We're going after them.
- Is that really a good idea?
Given our track record, I just,
I can't imagine us doing anything
but making this all worse.
- What's gotten into you man?
- I'm a fuck-up is what?
- Just when I thought I was
getting good at this hero stuff,
I crashed and fucking burned.
I trusted Temple.
I let down Wash and I lost
my sword, my fucking sword.
I'm a, what's the word, liability.
You ask me, we're better
off letting the authorities
deal with Temple.
- That will go well, "Hey, 911?"
"It's the Reds and the Blues,"
"our evil doppelgangers
are going to shoot a laser"
"through the Earth from some tiny islands"
"in the Indian ocean."
"Okay, thanks bye."
- Fuck dude, I don't
know if I can do this.
- Well with Carolina on the DL,
we kinda need you, man.
I mean, if the Blues and
the Reds challenge us
to a hot dog eating
contest, I can take them,
but I got a feeling it won't
be that easy or delicious.
- I'm not a Freelancer Grif.
- I know, but shit dude,
you're the best we've got.
Oh yeah, this feels weird,
I don't know if I'm really cut
out to give pep talks Tucker.
Could you just, I don't know,
throw me a bone and come along already?
(Tucker sighs)
- Tell me how special I am Grif.
- No.
- Please Grif, I need to hear it from you.
- Fuck off, dude, nevermind.
- I'm not going anywhere
until you tell me I'm the best again.
- Tucker, you're the best
at not using birth control.
- You know your sister
thought I was the best too.
- I should've stayed alone
on that fucking planet.
Volleyball Tucker knew when
to keep his mouth shut.
- Uh what?
- Listen up everyone.
The Blues and Reds are trenched in.
They've got numbers and
they've got guns on their side.
They've been planning
this operation for years.
They have a headstart and
they have a doomsday device.
They also don't stand a fucking chance.
I ain't much on speeches
so I'll make this short.
We do this for Wash, we do this for Church
and we do this because,
fuck those assholes.
Buckle up guys, we're going home.
- Go to Blood Gulch?
- No, Earth motherfuckers.
Now that's a pep talk.
(intense music)
(ship whooshing)
- Coming up on the islands.
- How are we going to
know if they're here?
- I got a feeling they'll
see us before we see them.
(alarm beeps)
- Yep, there's our answer.
Someone just locked missiles.
- Shields up, go to red alert.
- What does this hub-cap have
in the way of countermeasures?
- Well, if they shoot, we
can counter by exploding,
that's about it.
- Yeah, let's make that plan B.
- Our autopilot is worse than useless
against guided missiles.
I don't suppose any of you
moonlight as combat pilots?
- Oh, I crashed a ship once.
It was technically a tactical crash.
- Yeah, I think I prefer plan B.
- Incoming 12:00 o'clock,
Grif.
- Just a minute, I still
haven't figured out
how to invert the controller scheme.
(missiles whizzing)
That was on purpose.
- Oh heck.
(missiles whizzing)
(missile explodes)
- Direct hit sir, she's going down.
- Thanks I fucking noticed.
- I still think we should have eliminated.
- Enough, it looks like you'll
get your wish after all.
- Shall I lead the greeting party?
- We've got more important things to do.
Have Lorenzo and Cronut
roll out the red carpet
while we secure the facility.
- Permission to speak freely, sir.
- No.
- All right then, you heard the man, men.
Let's show our guests some hospitality.
(tank revving)
- Okay, I know I sound
like a broken record,
but you definitely should have been...
- Would you shut up about
the leaf on the wind shit?
I got us out of alive,
you're fricking welcome.
- The Revere's totaled, the
comm array's still functioning
but not for long.
That's going to cost
someone an arm and a leg.
- You mean besides Lopez?
- Hey Lopez, how about we turn
you into a little backpack
like C-3PO at the end of Empire.
(Lorenzo speaking foreign language)
- What's that?
You want us to throw you into the ocean,
but Lopez, why would we do that?
(Lorenzo speaking foreign language)
Oh, to keep you from
falling into enemy hands.
(Sarge laughs)
Your selflessness knows no bounds.
- Senor Grif.
(Lorenzo speaking foreign language)
- Hey, don't look at me Lopez,
I'm the lazy one remember?
I can barely speak English.
- Let's get our boogie on troops,
before they come looking for survivors.
(intense music)
The power facility is at the top.
That's where Temple will be
holed up with the machine.
- Too late to call for backup?
- Any ideas Carolina?
- One or two.
Hey Grif, what did you
bring in the way of edibles?
- Ease up, broseph.
Just say, "Don't knock
it till you try it."
- Personally I don't see
what the big deal is.
- They're baby seals.
See that's why it's so funny
when you bash their brains in
personally, I like to
put on some Nickelback,
do a few dozen at a time.
(imitates gunshots)
- Yeah, I mean, I guess
that's kind of funny.
- Fine judge Judy, the
heck do you do for fun?
- Oh, you know, normal stuff.
I like pushing small children down wells.
I like hunting endangered animals.
I like driving around without
ever using my turn signals.
(red grunt laughing)
- Nice.
- You know, lately
I've really been into defending
Hitler on the internet.
- Hell yeah.
- Pretty much every Red on this hillside
is a casual racist and a Holocaust denier.
(blue grunt laughing)
- Same with the blues.
We also agree that all women are sluts.
(grunts scream)
- I've been mortally wounded.
- Contact, south east, we're
under attack, open fire.
- Yeah, all right, hey,
I can't see anything,
I don't have my glasses.
- Hey guys, how's it going guys?
Going good over there?
I'm doing the methshrooms,
me-me-methshrooms,
and they're doing their
thing and I'm doing my thing
and everything's going great over here,
I feel great, over.
(gunfire blazing)
- Very surprising sneak attack.
(Sarge shouts)
(gun shot fires)
- Damn it Sarge.
- Saddle up, Simmons, for
Grif, Warthog's on the action.
- With pleasure, sir.
(Warthog revving)
(machine gun firing)
Yeah, suck it Blues and
Reds, and Blues and Reds.
- Got three new tangos to the West.
- Copy that, juking at 9:00 o'clock
- Simmons contact, 85 degrees East.
- Simmons, by God, two
marks at 12 o'clock.
- Can we please settle on
a consistent denomination?
- Are we using Cardinal directions
or are we using clock positions?
- Simmons, contact, hard to starboard.
- Never mind.
- Hard right Sarge,
you've got reinforcement
from the Northwest.
- You're up, Donut,
think my methshrooms
are wearing off a bit,
no, no no no they're not.
- Bombs away.
(gunfire blazing)
- Please have mercy, I'm innocent.
Also Global warming is
fake news you cucks.
(grunt laughing)
(grunt groaning)
(gunfire blazing)
- Gotcha.
Who tied my shoelace together?
(Tucker laughing)
- Good one Caboose.
- I'm so sneaky, they don't
even know what's happening.
You can't even see me right now,
Tucker you're so confused.
- More coming in from the North,
Sarge circle back to regroup.
(gunfire continues)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Doc] Where, where did you get it?
Tell me Dylan, where?
Dr. Johansen?
Slow down, what are you talking about?
- [Doc] The machine,
where did it come from?
It's aliens, isn't it?
It has to be.
- The machine?
But you said it could never function.
I was wrong and now we're
dead, we're all dead Dylan,
the damn thing is fully
fucking functional.
- Saddle up Lorenzo, it's time
to whack this dingle berries.
(Cronut laughing)
(Lorenzo speaking in foreign language)
(Warthog explodes)
- [Doc] We ran the plans
through our simulators, okay?
Damn computers froze and overheated,
then it just works somehow, how?
I don't know.
- But you said it needs
a super Nova of power.
- [Doc] I can't believe
I'm saying this out loud
Dylan, the damn thing is
a, is a, is a time machine.
It generates power by opening
a wormhole to the past
and using the energy imbalance
between the two timelines,
like a crono-electric generator.
This is insane, what am I saying?
- A time machine? You're fucking with me.
- [Doc] Oh my God, I wish,
I wish that were true.
This is some
Ark-of-the-Covenant shit, Dylan.
This is God magic.
(gunfire blazing)
- Tank, coming in hard, Tucker.
- Copy, I'm on it.
- Grif, can you distract the robot?
(Grif snoring)
- Oh, I'm on it guys.
- Jax, no.
- Hey, Italian robot,
uh, Fellini sucks,
oh, and Dario Argento is a poser.
(foreign language)
And Sergio Leone is uh overrated,
a little, just a little.
(foreign language)
And soccer's boring as fuck.
(gunfire blazing)
- Vendetta.
(punches thudding)
- Tucker, what in Sam Hell,
do you think you're doing?
- I'm taking down this tank.
- By punching it?
- Fuck yeah, Ah.
- That's not going to work.
- It's totally going to work you assholes.
I'm punching it right in the radiator.
- That's not how radiators work.
- Shut up and help me
punch this fucking tank.
- All right, Doc, let's cut to the chase.
What happens if someone uses
this fucking time machine laser drill.
- [Doc] Well say goodbye to that planet,
Setting aside the tsunamis,
earthquakes and mega volcanoes,
the bigger problem is Newton.
- Care to elaborate?
- [Doc] Newton's third law.
Every action has an equal
and opposite reaction.
The law of consequences.
You can't steal energy from the past
without the energy
coming back to haunt you.
- Sounds bad.
- [Doc] Quantum singularity bad,
black hole sucking up the planet bad.
Now, Dylan, I'd love to stay
curious and chat forever,
but me and the guys need to run some tests
on how fast we can get shit-faced wasted,
and pass out under our
lab desks before dying.
- Sounds like a plan doctor,
thanks for the insight.
(punches thudding)
- Tucker, Stop it.
- Don't listen to him.
This is the best idea you've ever heard.
- You're going to break your arm.
(punches thudding)
- No I ain't, I'm going to
break this fucking tank.
(punch thudding)
- Tucker please.
(tank explodes)
(Tucker laughing)
- Check me out motherfuckers.
Tucker's got his groove back.
- That should not have worked.
- [Tucker] Yeah, oh yeah.
- Fully functional he said,
powered by an honest to God time machine.
- But time travel's impossible.
- How can you say that?
We've traveled in time before.
- No we didn't, we just thought we did.
Don't you remember?
- Aw shit, I think you might be right.
All that shit was so confusing.
- Regardless, if Temple
switches on this damn thing,
it's the apocalypse, that's
what matters right now.
- He wouldn't destroy
the planet for vengeance.
- He might not even know.
He might not be thinking
about anything but revenge.
- Yeah, he might be an idiot.
- Well, he's definitely dangerous.
Come on, let's go.
- I'm gonna, I'm gonna need a minute guys.
(Simmons sighing)
- I told you to taking all
the meth mushrooms at once
was a terrible idea.
Yeah, I'm going to hurl, oh no.
(Grif throwing up)
- I'll hold your head.
- Well, you've got 30 seconds,
and we still got work to do
before that psychopath
turns on the time machine.
(sinister music)
- Oh no,
we're too late.
- Working.
It's working.
It's alive.
(Loco laughing)
- For real?
Yes, the resident's cascade is growing,
the drill is drilling and the door,
the door will be opening too, hooray.
- Loco you magnificent
bastard, I love you right now.
- Let's not pop the champagne just yet.
The Reds and Blues are
inside the facility.
They have breached the outer defenses.
- Fuck, oh, well whatever,
Surge hold them off,
you need to buy us time.
- But I don't have the re...
- But nothing Grunt, a soldier
follows orders no matter what
you taught me that.
So make good on it and buy
us some motherfucking time.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- They're here, oh boy.
I have to get something from the ship.
Whoa, like hell, you need to stay here
and watch these controls.
- It runs itself, but I'll be real quick.
- Fine but listen, Loco,
The Reds and Blues are our mortal enemies.
If you see them, you have to kill them.
Got it?
- Okay.
- And make it quick.
- Listen up, mission simple.
Find that crazy machine
and shut it the fuck down.
- Which way?
- No choice, we've got to split up.
- Red's head that a ways,
the Blues and me and Carolina
will take the other door.
- That was a hell of a
hike up here, Carolina.
Are you sure you don't need a minute?
- Yes, I'm sure.
If I take it easy, I'll be fine.
You, on the other hand.
- Jax and I will stay here
where it's safe for us,
it's better that way.
- Let the record state that
we all know you're lying.
- Duly noted.
- Take Donut for protection at least.
- I knew what I wore my
latex armor for a reason.
- Why does Dylan get
both the human shields?
- Reds on me.
As far as days to die go,
it's a little overcast.
So let's check our corners
and make these bastards pay.
- Blues, let's light the
fires and kick the tires.
- Reds let's dance with these monkeys
and give them one four.
- Blues let's put the pedal to the metal
and the rubber to the road.
- Reds, let's get jiggy with it,
no, no, not, not, no, not not.
- Does this sort of thing happen often?
- I think the record is two hours.
Reds, let's shoot this
monkey full of heroin
and put it on YouTube.
Actually, let's not do that
it sounds completely horrible.
(gunshots blazing)
Sneak attack.
(gunshots blazing)
- Howrah
(Sarge laughing)
(gunshots blazing)
- Reds, let's teach these
midgets how to tango.
(footsteps thudding)
- Oh look, a penny.
(kicks pounding)
taking it easy, huh?
- Shut up and help me up please.
- Well, well look what the cat dragged in.
- I can't believe I have to
hear this shit in stereo now.
- Hey, um, Tucker already made that joke.
- God damn it.
- Grif, Simmons, get on outta here.
- Sarge, if you'll allow
me, I think that's stupid.
We've got him outnumbered three to one.
Let's just shoot him and move on.
- It would be so easy.
- Just to put a cap in his ass and stroll.
- No I must face my demons mano a mano,
now go.
- Hey, come on, we don't
have time for this.
- Try hard to win, sir.
- Well, here we are.
Two men enter one man leaves.
(both harmonizing)
- Surge, it doesn't have to be this way.
We can walk on out of here together.
- Unlike you, I would
never betray my duty.
- By God man, open your eyes.
You enlisted in the army
to help save the world,
and here you are about to destroy it.
- I am not.
- Are too.
- Well, you are the one
who betrayed orders.
At least when I die, I'll die with honor.
- Honor shmonor.
- Audible gasp.
- There's more to life than
blindly following orders
like some automaton.
- What, like friendship?
- Like knowing right from
wrong and good from evil
and Red from Blue.
That's what makes us us
without it, we ain't even
soldiers, we're villains,
terroristas, vampires.
- I ain't no vampire.
(gunshot blazing)
- Let me go, it's better I die in battle.
- No that would be wrong Surge,
and a true soldier, always
knows the difference.
That's what real honor, real patriotism,
real duty is all about.
(Surge screaming)
- Oh whoops.
(melancholic music)
- Oh friends, thank my stars.
- You?
- We have to hurry.
The Blues and Reds are up to some serious,
really bad, not good at all mischief,
and we've got to stop them.
- You've got some real nerve Doc.
- What?
Guys, I found out about your plans
and tried to talk them out of it.
It didn't go great and then
they locked me up, I swear.
- Bull fucking shit.
- Scout's honor,
except I was never a scout
because I'm afraid of badges,
but I'm telling you the Blues
and Reds are broken bad guys.
I'm really worried about them.
- Do you believe a word this
asshole is saying Carolina?
Carolina?
(Carolina thuds)
Oh shit.
Oh geez, what did Temple do to you?
You told me you and Wash were at the spa.
- Who would believe that?
- Tucker, you thought we
were out getting food.
- I, okay.
Hearing that back now, it
does sound kind of stupid.
- You need medical attention Carolina.
The fact that you've made it
this far without collapsing
is not really human.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Tucker, I am the only
person within 1000 miles
with any medical knowledge whatsoever.
Now it's not much,
and I'd honestly feel
much more comfortable
if there was someone besides me
who knew what they were doing,
and it's been a while since
I've actually practiced
and come to think of it,
this is not really a medical device,
it's actually an alien pistol.
- Okay, please stop talking.
Tucker it's fine.
You go after Temple,
I'll catch up when I can.
- Damn it.
- And Tucker, don't kill
him unless you have to.
- No promises.
(gunfire blazing)
- Stop, they're coming up behind us.
- I'll find cover.
(intense music)
(Gene groans)
- Simmons?
- Shoot him Grif, hurry.
- No Grif, shoot him, he's Gene.
- Grif, don't listen to
him I'm the real Simmons.
- He's lying Grif, shoot him.
- Ah shit, I can't hold
it Grif, shoot him.
- Why are we here?
- What?
- What?
- I said, why are we here?
Answer me now.
- Because we need to
stop these evil fucks,
that's why?
- No, we don't know why we're here,
it's still one of life's
great mysteries, isn't it?
(gunshot fires)
(Gene groans)
- Thanks Grif.
- No problem, dude.
- Help, I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
It wasn't personal, help me up Simmons.
Help me up, we can work on
inventory spreadsheets together
we can quote Star Wars and
solve quadratic equations.
- What are you thinking?
- I mean, he is all the way over there
and maybe we can come back for him later.
- [Gene] What, What are you talking about?
- I guess I'm just feeling kind of lazy.
- Nice.
- Fuck you assholes, fuck you Simmons,
I lied about Star Wars, I
actually prefer their prequels.
(Gene laughing)
I'm going Darth Maul this
and come back in a shitty video game.
- Christ, he's annoying.
Oh my God, right, it's not just me?
(gunshots blazing)
- Suck it you stupid bastards.
When I kill you I'm going
to defile your corpses.
Boom chicka wah wah.
- Fuck,
come on, come on,
fuck, fuck.
- What's the matter Buckey?
Can't get it up?
Oh so tight.
(intense music playing)
- Game over Temple.
- Hardly, more like game on,
and just in time for
the fireworks no less.
Turn that thing, the fuck off.
- Impossible, plus aren't you curious
about what happens next?
According to Loco, we're
almost to the awesome part.
I for one am quite curious about this door
he keeps going on about.
What happens next is
you're going to destroy
the fucking planet if you
don't turn off that machine,
- No need to be dramatic.
- It's true.
Loco's machine is a doomsday device.
You'll destroy the UNSC,
but you'll wipe out the
entire planet in the process.
- Bullshit, you all just
want to help the UNSC
in exchange for more medals and favors,
well fuck you.
And anyway, it's too late.
No off switch, you see? You can't stop it,
and neither can I
(gun cocks)
- Hands up dirt bag.
- Sir yes, sir.
- It's toasty in here, isn't it?
Why don't we all just fucking chill?
Beep.
- God damn it, I can't move.
- Son of a, I'm stiff as a statue.
- I'm stiff too and my armor is locked.
- What's wrong with them?
- Oh, that's right.
You're a special case, aren't you Caboose?
Courtesy of that old helmet of yours.
How about this?
You don't fucking move and I
don't fucking pop your friends
like pimples with this remote.
- He's bluffing.
- Try me.
Okay Shelly play Monologue Mix.
You know, you all remind me of
my favorite Churchill quote.
Yours is a story
told by an idiot full of sound and fury
signifying nothing.
Apropos, no?
- [Sarge] Nah, my monologues were better.
- Rome wasn't burned in a
day, but the UNSC will be.
You attacked them on behalf
of Kimball and independence.
And the DNA that you left at our base
will be the icing on your destruction.
You will be stuck between
a rock and the frying pan.
- Oh my ears, you are
terrible with metaphors.
- Temple, you have to stop this.
We're not lying about the planet.
- I didn't start the fire,
it was always burning
since the world's been
turning, they made their cake,
now they can lie in it.
- What about the dozens you've killed,
your own men, the pilots at Desert Gulch,
who answers for them?
- Oh, if I said that
I would weep for them,
would it make you feel any better?
- No, but kicking your ass might.
Get away from my pals you dipshit.
(Grif shouting)
(Grif thuds)
(Grif groans)
(Temple laughing)
- That was amazing, do
it again, do it again.
- So much for heroism.
Join your friends in
the circle or die here.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Have it your way.
(intense music playing)
- What's the matter
Temple, afraid of blood?
- Shut up.
(armors clanking)
(Sarge laughing)
- All right.
- Game on bitches.
(intense music)
- Hey, Caboose, I have
something for you Caboose.
- Oh fuck.
(gunshot fires)
(Loco groans)
- Oh that idiot.
(body thuds)
(electric static)
- Loco, your batteries.
I brought you some Caboose.
You can, you can fix Freckles now.
- Oh, oh thank you.
Is he, is he going to die?
- I think so.
Loco the machine, how do we turn it off?
- You can't.
- Impossible, but Caboose,
I did make the door, because friends,
best friends should be
able, able to say goodbye.
- What does he mean?
- Bye bye, say it.
- Bye.
(intense music intensifies)
- Caboose?
Rookie, what the hell
are you doing up here?
You're supposed to be guarding the flag.
What the fuck guys, I came up
here for some peace and quiet.
- What on earth is happening?
- Loco's machine opened
a portal to the past.
Jeez Dylan, try to keep up.
- Oh, no freaking way.
- Hurry, hurry Caboose,
you don't have long.
(Loco herks)
- Caboose, pull him through.
- No Tucker.
I know what I need to do.
- Seriously, what the fuck
is happening right now.
Is there something in the water?
- Church, Church there's a lot
of things I never got to say,
and I know I won't get
another chance to say them, so
I think you are cool, like
super awesome amazing cool
and I always felt like really awesome too
when we were hanging out
together, you know, I,
I really felt sad when you died because...
- [Church] What do you mean when I died?
- I never felt sad when you died because
I couldn't imagine a world without you,
but I know it's real.
I know, I know, and I'm sad.
Things, things really
aren't okay without you,
but I know with my other friends
who even if you add them all up together,
aren't really as cool as you,
I know, we're all gonna be okay.
I know we're all going to be okay.
I know we're all going to be okay.
Go back to heaven now Church
and say hello to Loco when you got there.
He was all right, too.
- All right, which one of you ass hats
wants to tell me what the
fuck is going on right now?
(electric static)
- What in the name of
Patton's gray ghost was that?
- I don't know if we're
gonna be around long enough
to parse together a theory.
- We're out of time we
need to do something.
- Like what, shoot it?
Oh, no, we need a sacrifice.
- Shut up, Jax.
- No, listen, that's
how this always works.
One of us needs to heroically
sacrifice themselves
while giving an emotional monologue.
- Damn it he's right.
- What?
- Sarge?
- But who's willing to
lay down their life,
to save everyone else?
- Not it.
- Not ti.
- No one needs to make a heroic sacrifice.
- [Vic] Yoh, yoh, yoh,
did I just hear the words
heroic go sacrificicle?
- Oh God damn it.
- Vic, Vic, I know it's a long shot,
but it appears this machine
has some computer systems.
- Can you try to ac...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this is wish number?
- Wish number three, the last one.
Now go.
- Oh boy, hey guys, hey du didilly do,
I've never seen a system
like this one before.
- Can you stop it?
- No way, no way, but
maybe I can stabilize it,
I'll give it a try, duderino.
(phone beeping)
Dudes, dudettes and duderinos,
if you're hearing this message
that's because I can't get
to the phone right now.
It also means I had to race my cebase
to the save the date for all y'all.
You're welcome, and your old buddy Vic,
only has one more thing
to say to you dudes.
You know, there's so many stories
where some brave hero steps up and goes
and gives their lives to save the day,
and because of it, the good guys win,
the survivors, all cheer hooray
and everybody lives happily ever after,
except for Vic.
Oh yeah, I'm outta here.
Leave a message, after the beep compadres,
but I won't check it
because I'm in the eternal infinity,
this is 555 V-I-C-K signing off.
And if anybody backed me up,
I will punch you in the nuts.
(machine chiming)
- Did he do it?
- He did something.
- Whoa, it tickles,
(Donut giggling)
- Does someone want to explain
what the fuck just happened?
- We uh, we won, I think.
(melancholic music)
- This is for Wash, you piece of shit.
- Tucker, stop.
Oh, come on, now you show up?
- Don't kill him.
- I think she makes a great point, Tucker.
- But he deserves it more
than anyone, he's a killer.
- And so are we, but we're
a different sort, Tucker.
We only fight and take
lives when we have to.
And you don't have to this time.
- Yeah Tucker, if you kill me,
you'll just perpetuate
this never-ending cycle
of revenge and retaliation.
- My friends, will avenge me.
- What friends?
- I got, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, don't please.
- Dick head.
- Did somebody call for backup?
- Aw, we didn't miss the party did we?
- Hey, look who finally showed up.
- Just in time to mop up
another one of our messes.
- Big bro, is that you?
Dex?
- Aw hell, what are you doing here?
- I was on Chorus for business,
when these weirdos got your call.
they let me tag along.
- Business, oh God,
do I need to confiscate
your webcams again?
- Bitch shut up and hug me.
- Oh, you'll be happy to know
Dr. Grey has Washington alive
and recovering.
- Oh, that's music.
- Oh thank Christ.
- Oh, he asked us to deliver
an important message to you all
but then he just sang
the DuckTales theme song
and fell back asleep, awoo.
- President Kimball has questions
about his delivery to Chorus.
Apparently no one at DD
general can figure out
how he ended up at the
hospital in the first place.
- That's a, a long story.
Maybe we don't worry
her with it right now.
- But I have a feeling, her
relationship with the UNSC
will get a little easier
after we file the final story.
- How about Vic, huh?
- I mean, the least we owe
our fallen comrade here,
is a moment of respectful silence.
Anyway who's hungry?
- I'm peckish I could eat.
- I could go for some grub.
- I could eat a horse.
- With you I'm worried that's
not a figure of speech.
- That's a figure of speech?
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Whatever are we done here?
- Because I've got some
volleyballs to spike
in this fucking volcano.
- Job well done Jax.
Nothing left to do, but post this bad boy.
- And read all the comment threads.
- Any idea what you'll
do when the dust settles?
Back to film school?
- Well, I don't know.
Gotta say this whole thing
did give me a wicked idea
for a movie.
- Send me the script
when it's done, will you?
I'd love to check it out.
- Of course.
- And uh good job partner.
- Dylan, you know, I'll
never forget this, right?
I mean, PTSD is forever, isn't it?
- Hi Carlos, guess who.
- Dylan Andrews that who.
I'm so excited, how are you?
- I'm well.
- How are you?
- Well, after you stole my ship
and went missing with my nephew,
I did have somewhat of a
breakdown, but I'm fine now.
The doctors have me on horse tranquilizers
and I feel like a fluffy,
soft load of laundry.
(Carlos laughs)
Please, please Dylan, enough about me.
How are you doing?
- Great, the assignments all finished.
- Oh, that's wonderful news.
I never doubted you for
a single solitary second.
Tell me, Dylan how is my nephew?
- He's good, his bullet
wounds are healing nicely.
- Bullets?
Did you, did you say his wounds?
wounds as in plural?
- Yeah, multiple gunshot wounds.
He's in much better shape
than your ship though.
This thing is totaled.
- My ship is totaled, my ship...
it doesn't matter,
it does not matter.
You know, what really matters?
The story.
Did you get the story?
- Yes, but it'll have to wait.
Someone is finally returning my call.
- I'm not waiting, don't you
dare hang up on me, all right?
I'm not above putting a contract
out on your stinky filthy
pencil-headed little life Dylan.
(Carlos laughing)
- Yoh dude, take a chill pill.
I don't have the bandwidth
for the full feed,
but I can at least send you
the wrap up while I take this.
- You listen to me, I'm talking.
- Hi James.
When I first described the Reds and Blues,
I called them heroes.
That may have been premature.
What I've come to understand
after spending time with them
is they're more than that.
They're stupid and arrogant
and lazy and selfish
and stubborn, none of the qualities,
any reasonable person would call heroic.
What the Reds and Blues
have taught me is that
it's not the sum of your parts
that makes you who you are.
It's not what you're endowed with,
not intelligence or strength,
but what you hold onto
throughout the hardest trials of life.
These people have shown me
that real heroes are not born,
they're forged.
A friend told me once that
there's no fate but what you make
and I think he's right.
What makes a hero is their ability
to choose light over darkness,
to walk through fire and not be burned.
To fall from great
heights and not be broken,
to be changed and reborn
and be better for it
again and again.
It's who you become when
you lose someone close.
When the world stops making sense,
when you're thrust into responsibility
that you never asked for.
That's what makes a hero,
and that's what makes the Reds and Blues,
some of the greatest our
universe has ever seen.
This has been Dylan
Andrews, Interstellar Daily.
(upbeat outro music)
(buzzer ringing)
- Mealtime.
(guard laughing)
Something special for you guys.
(guard laughing)
Let me guess,
awesome?
(upbeat music)
- And then Temple says, revenge
is a dish best served frozen
and he freezes them right in their armor.
- [Hollywood producer]
All right, all right.
Skip to the end now how's it all wrap up?
- Well, you'll just have to
read the script to find out,
all 311 pages.
- [Hollywood producer] Hard to believe
this all really happened.
- That's all true, every
single word, for the most part.
I took some dramatic license
with the movie references,
fudged a few plot points here and there,
but that's the gist of it,
you know, the gist of it, more or less.
- [Hollywood producer] Well, our studio
hasn't made an original movie
in a few 100 years, but
we might be interested.
You shopping this around at all?
- Listen, Petes.
I got offers all over
Tinseltown for the spec,
but if you're looking for
something else I could tell you
about a little movie called Moon Doom.
(VelicoROCKtor by Joe Nicolosi
feat. Jen Brown playing)
♪ We came to this planet
for some peace and quiet, ♪
♪ No more mercenaries, villains ♪
♪ or nefarious space-pirates, ♪
♪ Oh no, ♪
♪ What's that, ♪
♪ over there, ♪
♪ in the fields, ♪
♪ It a beast, ♪
♪ Really tall, ♪
♪ Sharp teeth, ♪
♪ Long claws, ♪
♪ Turns out, somehow, the
beasts could be controlled, ♪
♪ Caboose taught the dinosaurs
how to rock and roll ♪
- [Jen] Caboose drum solo.
(drum solo)
(Blood Gulch Blues by Trocadero playing)
♪ Roses are red and violets are blue, ♪
♪ One day we'll cruise
down Blood Gulch avenue, ♪
♪ It's red versus red
and blue versus blue, ♪
♪ It's I against I and me against you, ♪
♪ Violets are blue, roses are red, ♪
♪ Living like this we were already dead ♪
(radio static)
- [Church] What the actual fuck?
All right, well, I'm just
going to try to forget
that ever happened and
never bring it up again.
(speaking foreign language)
(adventurous music)
(light whirring)
(speaking foreign language)
(melancholy music)
(water rustling)
- Listen Simmons, I got
some things to say to you.
Some things I gotta get
off my chest, buddy, buddy?
Nah, not buddy, stupid, Friend?
Friend.
No, friend, definitely friend.
Anyway, I've had a bit of time
to think about some things.
Lots of time, actually, oodles of time.
Oodles of buckets of times
of time, tiempo de mucho,
mucho de tiempo.
Now listen, Simmons...Simmons.
Cinnamon, simalaria.
Focus Grif!
Now things ended really
bad out there, buddy.
No friend, and I've been thinking.
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
I need to tell you that I am super duper,
I'm so incredibly...
- Hungry, you're hungry aren't you?
- No Simmons, I'm not hungry,
that's not what I'm trying to say.
What I'm trying to say is that I am...
- Thirsty?
Glug glug.
- No. What I am trying to say
is that I am incredibly...
- Lazy?
Good for nothing?
Waste of fatty tissue and brain cells?
- Not now Sarge, I'm
trying to talk to Simmons.
It's important.
- Not as important as your job Grif.
You know, you're supposed
to be on guard duty.
(mock laughing)
- Sarge, we've covered this.
Technically I am on break.
- It's not every week
that command sees fit
to send us the latest and greatest
in invisible hover tank technology Grif.
Instead of guarding it,
you're over there playing grab ass
with private Dick Simmons.
- I'm sure the tank is fine.
It's not like it's gonna disappear.
(melancholic music)
- Nothing here,
just like the inside of
that thick skull of yours.
Knock, knock, nobody's home.
- Why are you blaming me?
I left Onin Lopez in charge.
(speaking foreign language)
- I was in my bunk giving myself a facial.
(giggling)
Entendre.
- I can't tell you how
disappointed I am in you Grif,
but I'll try.
I just finished swapping
out the headlight fluid
and converting the brakes to diesel.
It was a finely tuned
callback killing machine.
And you lost it.
- [Grif] I'm telling
you it wasn't my fault.
Stop blaming me.
I was busy, busy, busy, busy.
Busy as a bee, busy, busy
bee body, body bee busy.
- Ruining everything
like always and forever.
- I have an idea, let's make
a likely list of suspects.
Somebody obviously stole the tank.
- Come on guys, we know who did it.
Let's just skip to act three.
(melancholic music)
- Hey, we know you
assholes stole our tank.
Now you got to give it back.
- Look who finally showed up.
You're too late Grif, it's over.
- What's over?
- He's dead, my best friend is dead.
Purple pineapple random nonsense.
(laughing)
- You were supposed to
bring the air pump Grif.
Now I have gonorrhea and a dead friend.
- You promised.
- Oh, I, I forgot,
Oh, Caboose.
I can go get it right now.
Maybe it's not too late.
- It's too late, it's over.
I'm sad now and forever
there's nothing you can do about it.
Kangaroo, banana, kangaroo,
my heart's in a pouch.
- No, no, no, no, no, not again.
This is not gonna happen again.
Now listen everyone, I got
a thing, I gotta say it.
I'm like super, duper, spectacularly...
- Selfish.
- Useless.
- Repressed.
- Fat.
- Shut up and listen to me.
Everyone, I am so, so,
- Completely insane.
(intense music)
I would know.
- Locus?
No, aw fuck, you're
not really real, right?
I mean, I'm just hallucinating.
- You're not hallucinating.
- Then you're here to kill me?
- I'm not here to kill you either.
- No, that's bullshit dude,
you are like, death personified.
- Grif.
- Ah, fuck you're voice is still so scary.
- If even half of what
this robot says is true,
then you're going to need my
help to save your friends.
(intense music)
Stop touching my face.
- Ah fuck, you are real.
- We've been over this.
I'm real and I'm here to help,
assuming you've still got any sanity left
in that helmet of yours.
- Oh, I'm sane as a fiddle.
I got oodles in me just ask Doc.
Huh, where'd he go?
Well, that's Doc for ya, am I right?
- Hmm.
- Wait, the gang's in trouble?
How did you find out?
Did you see them?
Did you talk to them?
Did you touch Simmons?
How's Simmons?
Did he talk to you?
What have you been doing lately?
What happened to the X on your helmet?
Did you see Sarge?
Are my friends okay?
Is Sarge dead?
Are my friends okay?
- I don't have all the information.
I only know what the robot told me.
(Grif speaking foreign language)
(Helmet speaking foreign language)
(Grif speaking foreign language)
(Helmet speaking foreign language)
- I wasn't aware you were bilingual.
- I had to learn, from Lopez's lines.
- You have had a lot
of time on your hands.
- Buckets, oodles, oodles of
noodles and toaster strudels.
tiempo de mucho, mucho
de tiempo, 15 seasons.
- Focus.
- Right, We should go.
We should go help the guys.
- We should.
My ship is ready.
Just so you're aware, we're
likely in for a fight.
- Then there's no time to waste.
Oh wait, I can bring the gang, right?
- Absolutely not.
- This is exciting.
You still have that sword?
Are you a good guy now?
Aren't best friends awesome?
You ever miss Felix?
Hey, I'm orange just
like your last partner.
Cool ship by the way,
I bet that's an awesome side story.
Does it have a name?
How about the Locus Pocus?
I hope everyone doesn't hate me.
Do you ever worry about people hating you?
I don't.
- I don't remember you being like this.
- Yeah, well, I don't remember you
being anything but a huge dick,
but here you are being
cool so people change.
How long is this trip gonna take anyway?
Do you have any music?
Man, it feels good to
talk to somebody again.
Can I be the DJ?
Is there a bathroom on this ship?
Can I drive?
I thought I was going to
go crazy for a while there
but I'm sane as a fiddle.
How many people have you killed?
Where did you grow up?
Do you ever get lonely?
- Please stop talking.
- You got any brothers and sisters?
Did you kill any of your
brothers and sisters?
Do you have issues sharing?
Can I drive?
Did you ever eat migas?
I love migas, queso, am I right?
Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Have you ever tried growing a mustache?
On the inside or the
outside of your helmet?
- Grif.
- Can I drive?
Do you think the gang found Church?
Do you ever go to church?
Are you religious at all?
I'm agnostic.
Hey, do you want to stop for a pizza?
I bet the guys are hungry.
We should bring them a pizza.
Pepperoni, no, sausage.
Everybody likes mushrooms.
What's your favorite pizza place?
I like Sammies over in Ithica.
- This is going to be
a long trip, isn't it?
- I hope so.
We have a lot of catching
up to do, partner.
Speaking of which, why
are you helping us anyway?
- It's a long story, but mainly,
it's the right thing to do.
- Turning over a new fucking leaf.
Dude, I am all about it.
It's a new beginning for both of us.
Just so you know though,
doing the right thing
usually totally sucks.
- I am acutely aware
of that at the moment.
- So how do you feel about Cloud Atlas?
(intense music)
(footsteps thudding)
- You wanted to see me sir?
- Just one second.
God damn fucking pop-ups.
If I find out Buckey's been
downloading porn again,
I'm going to flush him
out the pressure lock.
(clears throat)
- Sarge, I thought we should catch up.
- If it's about Simmons, sir,
I've already given him a stern talking to.
Perhaps in a few days, we
can give him another chance.
- Yeah, that's not happening.
There's, there's just
no time you understand.
Our machine is finished and
it's time to see if it works.
(Sarge sighs)
- Understood.
- Sarge, I really called
you in here because
I wanted to see how you were holding up.
I can only imagine this must be
a really difficult time for you.
- Mm.
- Speak freely, Sarge, please.
- Well, it ain't been no cakewalk,
but I didn't reach the rank of Colonel
by only following the orders I liked.
- You are an inspiration to us all.
Which brings me to my point.
I'm promoting you.
- Oh really?
- The war ahead will need
capable and loyal leaders.
If I had a dozen like you, Sarge,
the UNSC wouldn't stand a chance.
- You can count on me, sir.
Does that mean, am I a...?
- That's right, Super Colonel.
- Super Colonel Sarge?
(Sarge laughing)
Boy, that rings like a bell, don't it?
- Sure does.
(Sarge laughing)
- Temple, you need to come see this.
- What is it?
- We have an intruder.
- What?
Why haven't you sounded the alarm?
- It's not that kind of situation, sir.
(intense music playing)
- Biff?
- Nah, I'd know that pudgey
out of breath waddle anywhere.
That's Grif.
- How long has he been at it?
- A while, he's been
going round in circles.
(Sarge laughing)
- The hell is he thinking?
- Yippe ki-yay motherfuckers.
Dun, dun, dun, dun uh.
(Grif mocking radio static)
Uh, this is Snake to Big Boss,
no sign of surveillance.
(Grif mocking radio silence)
Hello there.
- What the hell is he doing now?
- Snacking.
It's amazing he's made it this long.
- Some rescue.
- He's going for the vent.
- That's going to be a tight fit.
- All right, all right.
Someone butter him up and
pull his fat ass out of there.
- You have to use something
other than butter though.
Otherwise he'll just lick it off.
- Howdy everyone, how are
our fine guests doing?
- Fuck you.
- Charming.
Well gang I thought we
should have a little chat
before I bid my final adieu.
After all, our business
together isn't quite finished,
is it?
- You're god damn right, it's not.
- Let's try and be civil, okay?
We're all adults here, age wise at least.
- If you think for one second
that you're going to get away with this.
- Oh, still holding out hope
for that last minute rescue?
Don't.
- Grif?
- Simmons.
- Grif?
- Simmons.
I mean, Grif,
you know, is it a bad time to
tell you that I'm color blind?
- You got my message.
- I did, oh guys, there's
so much I need to tell you.
- It can wait.
- No, not another minute.
I'm sick of waiting, I am sorry.
Everyone, Simmons, I'm
sorry I left like that.
Tucker, I'm sorry I didn't come with you.
- Shut up please.
- Caboose, I'm sorry I
didn't help you find Church.
That makes me a bad friend.
- It's okay, I know he's still out there.
(Temple laughing)
- Really?
You think so?
- Stop it.
- But I don't want to.
Caboose, would you like to
hear Church's full message?
We got the whole recording right here.
He talks about you.
- Really?
- Play it Loco.
(audio beeping)
- [Speaker] Playing archive
message from Blood Gulch Outpost
- [Churches Voice Recording]
Control, Control, do you read?
This is Church from Blood
Gulch Outpost Alpha, over.
If you're getting this, it's an emergency.
You've got to send a plumber
as soon as you get this, please.
Tucker and Caboose,
they flushed a damn
grenade down the shitter
and it exploded and its
everywhere, control.
It's coming out of the god
damn walls, for Pete's sake.
Send help. Please.
We need, I need a plumber.
Fuck, and some god damn new recruits too
because I'm about to murder these two.
Church out.
(audio beeping)
- [Speaker] End message.
- It's crazy what you can do
with editing software these days.
What's the matter Tucker?
Cat got your tongue?
I'm curious.
Do you all remember that?
Granted, it happened a long time ago
in a Gulch far, far away,
but still, it must have
been a memorable episode.
- I, I don't get it.
Is he back at Blood Gulch?
- No, god damn it.
We. Lied. To. You.
He's dead.
- For now.
- No forever.
How fucking stupid are you?
- Christ man, lay off.
- What the fuck ever, he's an adult, okay?
Maybe if you all didn't
treat him like some big baby,
he would understand
something as simple as death.
As dying and being gone forever.
- I'll give him a real
world example if you
unlock this fucking cell.
- Oh whoa, great plan.
I'm gonna hop right on that.
- You changed his message so
we would come looking for you?
- Bingo, thank you.
I had help of course.
Loco's the one who did the scrambling.
- Look-
(stammering)
See, what happened, we
can still be friends.
- No, you can't.
This is goodbye, we are leaving.
Onward to a victory.
Adieu, adieu farewell.
(Temple laughing)
Nailed it.
- Hey Tucker, thanks for the sword bro.
- It won't work for you asshole.
- It's still got uses.
I think your mom will love
it if you know what I mean.
A boom chicka wah wah.
(Buckey laughing)
(door whooshing)
(sinister music)
- What was all that about?
- Oh, not much. Went in to
offer our guests every comfort
and they chewed me out.
But we'll treat them
well, Super Colonel Sarge.
- Ah, Good.
- Uh, need to talk to
you about something else.
- Awaiting orders sir.
- It's about that reporter.
- I'm sorry Caboose.
- Gone, gone.
Like Simmons said on Scary Planet.
- Yes.
- Forever.
- Forever.
- But...
- Sorry, Caboose, not this time.
- But, but I never got to say goodbye
or thank you for being my friend.
- They'll pay for this, I
promise, I'll make them pay.
- We all will.
- You shut the fuck up Grif.
You've done enough already.
- Ease up dude, I did my best.
- Your best?
You fucking botched our
only chance of escape.
- No I didn't.
- You busted in here,
made an ass of yourself,
and got caught.
What do you call that?
- A pretty fucking sweet diversion.
(ominous whirring)
- Yo, it's back.
Oh, it's bad this time.
- Ignore it.
- I can't.
- I believe in you Wash.
- My kingdom, my kingdom
to scratch my nose.
- At least you didn't get
frozen in a God damn yoga pose.
I'm gonna to need a
week at the chiropractor
when we get out of here.
(Wash sighing)
- Wash,
stay awake Wash.
(Wash sighing)
- Just a little rest.
- You don't get to rest agent Washington.
(intense music)
Not yet.
- Oh, I'm hallucinating again.
This time it kind of looks like Locus.
- Wait, I see him too.
- This is awkward isn't it?
- That depends.
- Are you here to kill us?
(Locus groaning)
- I sure get that a lot.
(ominous music)
(back cracking)
- Oh yeah, that's the spot.
- Just give me one minute,
I'll be ready to fight.
- Doubtful, your life
support system has failed.
You're starving and dehydrated.
- Just one minute.
- So seems like you've been busy, big guy.
- What my delusional
friend is trying to say
is what the hell are you doing here?
- Several months ago,
the Blues and Reds stole
the power generator
from a colony of refugees.
- So it's a charity case?
- No, without clean water
and air, they perished.
Every man, woman, and child.
- Jesus.
- How did you find out about it?
Did you know them?
- I tracked the Blues
and Reds to this sector
where I found your robot
drifting towards a nearby black hole.
- Well, as soon as this elevator stops,
I'll be ready to kick ass and take names.
- We're not in an elevator.
- Oh, well in that case,
it's going to be up to
you three to save the day.
- Three?
- Yeah.
You, Locus, and big bird over there.
What up Big B?
- Both of you are past
the point of usefulness.
- You've never needed our help
mowing down soldiers before.
- I don't do that anymore.
- Wash is it possible to
hallucinate with your ears?
- I don't know officer.
I swear, I usually keep
it in the glove box.
- I promised myself I would change.
I'm not going back on that now.
- You really expect us to believe
you can just change overnight?
- Given the things you two
have done, I would hope so.
- This is gonna suck.
(door whooshing)
- Oh, hey, you here to see the script?
- Quiet.
You, guard.
Get on outta here.
- Sorry sir, I've been ordered to observe.
- Observe what?
- Temple's ordered for the
traitors to be put down.
(guard laughing)
- Traitors?
Do, do, do you mean us?
- That's right.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't kill me.
I haven't made my opus.
- I'm sorry, orders are orders.
- You can't be serious.
- How serious do I look?
- Okay, I know it's a cheap storing device
but we could really use a deus ex machina
right about now.
Or now, or now.
- No one's coming.
Not today.
(gunshot ringing)
- Oh God, you killed her.
Oh, you shot her right in the face,
I think.
I don't know for sure, because
I can't bear to open my eyes.
It's all right, Jax,
he did the right thing.
Your best bet is going
to be to hide somewhere
until the shooting dies down.
- We're coming with you.
Oh like hell.
I ain't your damn bodyguard.
- We can handle ourselves.
- Oh hogwash.
You let those idiots capture you.
- Well you worked for those idiots
- Did I, or perhaps I was
just pretending all along.
Maybe this whole time I was just acting
so I could save the
day at the last minute.
Oh yes, what a twist, I love this.
- Yeah.
I don't think anyone's
going to believe that.
- They will if you tell them.
- Are you asking for our help?
- I'm just going to point out here,
that I did just save your life.
- You saved us from you.
- Let me phrase this for you another way.
Pretty please with a cherry on top,
tell the guys this was my plan all along.
Oh,
have mercy,
don't make me beg,
you wouldn't like what it sounds like.
- Under one condition.
- Seriously what like
Russian, Scandinavian,
Pig Latin?
- My family history
ain't part of the deal.
How do you even spell it?
It sounded like 57 syllables.
- Well you need a Mandarin
keyboard to get it exactly right,
and the fifth letter is an emoji.
- Everyone keep quiet, someone's coming.
- I'm not here to kill you.
- Holy Shit.
- Oh fuck.
That is a terrible way to say hello.
- You?
What in Sam Hell are you doing here?
- Attempting a rescue.
- Same here.
You remember the procedure for this?
- Four.
(hand thumping)
- Come on, we ain't going
anywhere before we find out
who's leading the rescue mission.
(hand thumping)
Hot damn, paper after rock.
Brilliant move.
I guess I should expect nothing less
from a cunning murderous
bastard like yourself.
- Please stop talking.
- See, I told you guys, me
and Locus are partners now.
(sword swishing)
- Please stop.
- For the record, I hate this.
- I dig this.
- I hate this.
- Sarge.
- Grif.
Glad you're back.
- I guess I should say the same to you.
- Well, contrary to
what you may have heard.
I was secretly a good guy all along.
Now no need to thank me
everyone, please clap.
- Oh, bull fucking shit.
You just got done stabbing us in the back.
- Then I,
I, I order you all to forgive me.
- Not happening dude.
- We can deal with this later.
- No, we can't.
This Judas ain't coming with us,
he can stay in the empty
cell while we escape.
- That's a little extreme Tucker.
- Is it?
Those fuckers lied to us about Church,
imprisoned our friends,
and Sarge was there serving
them tea and biscuits.
- I didn't know about any of that.
The clever devils winded me, they were no,
know what, I take that back.
Men, the Blues and Reds didn't blind me,
I blinded myself.
I wanted an enemy so bad,
I turned my friends to enemies
and enemies to friends.
My real enemy was within.
- Yeah, I know what that is, that's gas.
- I don't expect you all
to forgive me immediately,
but I hope I'll earn the
privilege of your friendship
over time.
And I promise, each and every one of you,
it won't happen, ever, ever again.
Anytime soon, probably.
- Probably?
- I for one believed every word
and found that very moving.
Now, can we go please?
(gentle music)
- Trouble while we were gone?
- None, it's been quiet, too quiet.
- Oh Jesus, what did they do to you?
- We're fine.
- That's what she said.
Oh, high five up to, up top.
- Did you get your shoelaces?
- Are you okay?
Can you guys fight?
- Almost ready.
My strength's coming back to me.
- Lying isn't going to help.
We need to move now.
The longer we stay here,
the higher the chance we're detected.
- Well we didn't see
anyone on the way here.
This place suddenly
feels like a ghost town.
- They must have moved out
and left a skeleton
guard to watch the cells.
- Oh come on, we can handle one skeleton.
- The ghost town though,
we're going to need to
call someone for that.
- Times a wasting, gentlemen.
Let's get a move on.
- Not so fast.
We still don't know enough
about their machine.
- Fuck that.
It's time to get out of
here, not play Nancy Drew.
- All of this has been
building up to something big
and I don't think it's a press release.
- Jax and I are going to find
out what's really going on.
- Count me in.
- Whoa, did Grif just volunteer?
- And I'm ear hallucinating again Wash.
- Oh-oh spaghettios.
- Count me in.
- How about the rest
of us secure the exit?
- A decent plan, considering.
- Oh and that dude's
pretty much the worst.
He's a huge nerd and a huge suck up.
- And Gene sounds just like Simmons.
- What, does not?
- It's like way more than coincidental.
- Oh, I'm going to kill him.
- Your clone or that camera guy?
- Yes.
- It's gone, we're too late.
- All right, let's get back to the gang.
- Not so fast, there's
something I need to grab first.
fingers crossed.
(melancholic music)
- You seemed so serious when you left.
- I was a little heated.
- I thought you were gone for good.
- Yeah that was definitely the idea.
- What changed your mind?
- I don't know.
- Okay.
- Tucker, Caboose, Sarge,
fucking Donut, Simmons.
I hate those guys, I
mean hate, but holy hell
does shit get boring without them.
And you know, I figured
without me to beat up on,
y'all were doomed to
fall apart at the seams
on your hate glue.
- Well, I'm glad you're back.
- It's good to see you too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's good to see you.
- Yeah.
- Uh dude, what the fuck are you doing?
- Don't mind me,
I am just getting in
position for the kiss.
- What happened to him?
- He slipped.
(intense music)
- So much for an easy escape.
- Wait a second, these aren't skeletons.
- It's cool guys.
Locus can just call his alien spaceship.
- It's a crowded ship with two.
We need the Pelican.
- I'll cover you all from here.
- Your shotgun has an
effective range of two meters.
If anyone should provide cover it's me.
- I thought you swore off killing.
(Tucker laughing)
- Good one.
(Caboose laughing)
- Very funny joke and now I
need someone to explain to me,
am I laughing too hard?
- I did swear off killing,
but you don't need your kneecaps to live.
- What about your ship?
It's got weapons, right?
- Yes, they're very useful
for splitting asteroids,
less practical indoors.
No, this will require some planning.
If we play our cards right,
We can escape without
the need for violence.
- Fuck that.
These sons of bitches are our enemies
and I for one, am ready for
some motherfucking revenge.
- Tucker don't.
- Boo yah.
- Idiot.
- Cap, the kneecap.
(gunfire blazing)
- We had the element of surprise.
Now we're just fish in a barrel.
- We're fish with guns, let's use them.
(gunfire blazing)
(grunt groaning)
- The infidels have
escaped their confinement
let them feel our every wrath.
- Donut, quit standing there.
Make yourself useful.
Uh Donut, You're supposed
to pick the pin out first.
(grenade thuds)
(body clatters)
(gunfire blazing)
- Everyone, get cover.
- We're pinned, we might
die, it's so exciting.
- Locus, shoot him already.
- I have no shot, repositioning.
- Everybody just chill out
until, Wash, Wash, Wash,
what the fuck are you doing?
Wash, get down.
- Oh, hey.
(Wash groans)
(intense music)
- Wash, no.
- Cover me.
- Quick, Caboogey, with me.
(gunfire blazing)
- Remember us you maggots?
- God be damned, it's the beast!
After seven years of exile,
the destroyer has returned,
The prophecy is now
complete, the end is...
(grunt groans)
(punch thuds)
(punch thuds)
(punch thuds)
(punch thuds)
It's over, we have lost.
(screaming)
- This isn't good.
- Do something, someone.
A'rynasea come, quickly.
(ship revving)
Help me get him on the ship, now.
- Where are you taking him?
- To the nearest hospital,
he needs immediate care.
- Well, I'm coming too.
- No room.
- Fuck that.
- The enemy has a head start.
If you plan on stopping them,
your men are going to need you.
Now help me get him on the ship.
(ship revving)
(gentle music)
- Fuck me,
fuck all of this.
This is amazing Dylan, unbelievable.
- Why, how?
what's it do?
- This device is incredible.
No one in the lab has
seen anything like it.
Where'd you find these plans and pictures?
- That's not important.
What matters is what it does.
- [Doc] What it does?
What do you mean?
- You're the physicist, tell
me its damn function Doctor.
- It's a joke machine, a prank.
Who put you up to this,
those clowns in Stockholm?
- [Dylan] It's not a
practical joke, it's a weapon.
- [Doc] Listen Dylan,
this thing is no weapon,
it's nonsense.
The sheer sophistication of
the nonsense is unfathomable
it would take the worst minds
of our generation decades
to come up with something this stupid.
- So you're saying it doesn't work.
- [Doc] You sound concerned
so I'll walk you through.
Overall, it appears to be a
self powered tunneling device,
- A drill?
- [Doc] A laser drill, yeah,
like you'd find on a mining platform,
but the drills found on this thing
would take all the energy
of a star to function.
- This makes no sense.
- [Doc] And so we've come full circle.
Most of the machine is the power source
and that's the part
that's pure poppy cock,
pardon my French.
- So it definitely won't work.
- [Doc] It works as a hilarious joke.
- Well, I guess that's all I need.
- [Doc] I have to thank you for this,
the lab life can get so boring
if you catch my meaning.
We're going to have the interns,
plug it into the supercomputer
simulators for funsies.
I'll let you know what we find.
- You are welcome.
- Just great.
So all this is for fucking nothing.
- So what now?
- Well, there's the smart idea
where we crawl back to base
with our tails between our legs or...
- We counterattack with everything we got.
- Be serious guys.
The Blues and Reds could be
anywhere in the galaxy by now.
- Not anywhere Temple did say Earth.
- So anywhere on Earth,
that narrows it down to just one planet.
- Maybe they left behind clues.
Jax, what do you have
in the way of footage?
- Well, I am still sorting
through the dailies,
but I could be persuaded
to show some raw clips,
I mean, I don't have any color
correction or film grain,
but...
- You've got to start somewhere.
- Then I guess you all should get started.
I need some time to think anyway.
(footsteps thudding)
- Let him go,
he's clearly processing.
(clip whirring)
- Jesus, how much is there?
- It's about 200 hours.
You never know what you'll need in post.
- There, what's that?
- That's nothing.
I was chasing a moth around, you know,
kind of going for a Terrence Malick vibe,
and I stumbled into this room
that was totally covered in charts.
- Charts?
- Yeah, see right here.
(clip whirring)
What are they?
Planning a vacation?
- That close to the Arctic?
I doubt it.
- Those islands are zero
strategic importance to the UNSC.
Seems like a dead end.
- Okay, everyone.
I hoped it wouldn't come to this,
but you know that AI
assistant I've mentioned,
- Your dumb AI?
What about it?
He spent quite a bit of time
in the Blues and Reds network
so he might have information we can use.
- Bring them on out then.
What are you waiting for?
- I don't know how to say this so,
well just don't kill me,
all right, or him, Vic.
- Don't listen to her dudes.
(Vic laughing)
You should totally kill me
if it strikes your fancy
no pressure.
- No fucking way.
- God, what the hell is he doing here?
- He agreed to help me
back at Blood Gulch,
in exchange for a favor.
- That's right dudes, dudettes,
Vic has joined the gang. Officially.
No take backs.
- I can't believe this shit.
- What the hell have you been
doing for all these years?
- Hanging out with the group sister.
What's up dudes?
Nothing to say about that?
Eh, no bow wow, chic a week week.
- We're not really in the mood.
- Do you know the villain's
dastardly plans or not?
- If I say no, will you kill me?
- Vic?
- All right dudes, calm down, just joking.
Things have been getting a
little too seriouso lately
if you ask me.
Anyone else miss the good old days,
when we were all just
goofing around all the time?
Anywho, that Temple
dudeareno was totes magotes
obsessed with that shiny
new UNSC HQ on Earth.
- Hmm, sounds like an
ideal target, all right.
- Oh, this place is decked
out like you wouldn't believe.
Half a dozen checkpoints, shields,
a battalion of troops stationed there,
an entire fleet in the orbit overhead,
and two hot tubs.
- So that place is fortified
against an all out alien invasion.
There's no chance in
hell the Blues and Reds
are getting within 100 miles.
- Yeah, no kidding.
- All right, so what
the hell are they doing?
- The world's best swordsman.
The world's best swordsman
doesn't fear the second best.
He fears the worst,
because he can't predict
what the idiot will do.
- That's the key.
We need to think like them, like idiots.
- Why is everybody looking over here?
- Sarge, say you needed
to sneak attack someone.
- Who is in a heavily fortified position,
- unbelievable security all around,
what would you do?
(Sarge laughs)
- Easy peasy Japanesey,
I'd tunnel under their feet
and sneak attack from beneath,
just like it says in my
tattoo, death from below.
- And tie their shoelaces together
so they can't chase after me.
- Whambo, bambo, Jambo.
- Well, that was pointless.
- No, that's it.
Look, those islands on
the charts are here.
If we draw a line straight
through the center of the planet,
it ends up here, right
through the UNSC Headquarters.
- That's it?
they're going to tunnel through the earth
from those islands?
- This is insane.
- It's diabolical.
- It's really dumb, so I buy it.
- It makes a weird sort of sense.
According to the head of research at JPL
Loco's machine is a tunneling device.
- Red team, Blue team, we
have the enemy's position,
let's back up and prepare to move on out.
- We should make a few calls before we go.
- Well, I hate to point out
there's one other thing we're forgetting.
(melancholic music)
- Leave me alone Caboose, oh, it's you.
What do you want Grif?
- We know where they are Tucker.
We're going after them.
- Is that really a good idea?
Given our track record, I just,
I can't imagine us doing anything
but making this all worse.
- What's gotten into you man?
- I'm a fuck-up is what?
- Just when I thought I was
getting good at this hero stuff,
I crashed and fucking burned.
I trusted Temple.
I let down Wash and I lost
my sword, my fucking sword.
I'm a, what's the word, liability.
You ask me, we're better
off letting the authorities
deal with Temple.
- That will go well, "Hey, 911?"
"It's the Reds and the Blues,"
"our evil doppelgangers
are going to shoot a laser"
"through the Earth from some tiny islands"
"in the Indian ocean."
"Okay, thanks bye."
- Fuck dude, I don't
know if I can do this.
- Well with Carolina on the DL,
we kinda need you, man.
I mean, if the Blues and
the Reds challenge us
to a hot dog eating
contest, I can take them,
but I got a feeling it won't
be that easy or delicious.
- I'm not a Freelancer Grif.
- I know, but shit dude,
you're the best we've got.
Oh yeah, this feels weird,
I don't know if I'm really cut
out to give pep talks Tucker.
Could you just, I don't know,
throw me a bone and come along already?
(Tucker sighs)
- Tell me how special I am Grif.
- No.
- Please Grif, I need to hear it from you.
- Fuck off, dude, nevermind.
- I'm not going anywhere
until you tell me I'm the best again.
- Tucker, you're the best
at not using birth control.
- You know your sister
thought I was the best too.
- I should've stayed alone
on that fucking planet.
Volleyball Tucker knew when
to keep his mouth shut.
- Uh what?
- Listen up everyone.
The Blues and Reds are trenched in.
They've got numbers and
they've got guns on their side.
They've been planning
this operation for years.
They have a headstart and
they have a doomsday device.
They also don't stand a fucking chance.
I ain't much on speeches
so I'll make this short.
We do this for Wash, we do this for Church
and we do this because,
fuck those assholes.
Buckle up guys, we're going home.
- Go to Blood Gulch?
- No, Earth motherfuckers.
Now that's a pep talk.
(intense music)
(ship whooshing)
- Coming up on the islands.
- How are we going to
know if they're here?
- I got a feeling they'll
see us before we see them.
(alarm beeps)
- Yep, there's our answer.
Someone just locked missiles.
- Shields up, go to red alert.
- What does this hub-cap have
in the way of countermeasures?
- Well, if they shoot, we
can counter by exploding,
that's about it.
- Yeah, let's make that plan B.
- Our autopilot is worse than useless
against guided missiles.
I don't suppose any of you
moonlight as combat pilots?
- Oh, I crashed a ship once.
It was technically a tactical crash.
- Yeah, I think I prefer plan B.
- Incoming 12:00 o'clock,
Grif.
- Just a minute, I still
haven't figured out
how to invert the controller scheme.
(missiles whizzing)
That was on purpose.
- Oh heck.
(missiles whizzing)
(missile explodes)
- Direct hit sir, she's going down.
- Thanks I fucking noticed.
- I still think we should have eliminated.
- Enough, it looks like you'll
get your wish after all.
- Shall I lead the greeting party?
- We've got more important things to do.
Have Lorenzo and Cronut
roll out the red carpet
while we secure the facility.
- Permission to speak freely, sir.
- No.
- All right then, you heard the man, men.
Let's show our guests some hospitality.
(tank revving)
- Okay, I know I sound
like a broken record,
but you definitely should have been...
- Would you shut up about
the leaf on the wind shit?
I got us out of alive,
you're fricking welcome.
- The Revere's totaled, the
comm array's still functioning
but not for long.
That's going to cost
someone an arm and a leg.
- You mean besides Lopez?
- Hey Lopez, how about we turn
you into a little backpack
like C-3PO at the end of Empire.
(Lorenzo speaking foreign language)
- What's that?
You want us to throw you into the ocean,
but Lopez, why would we do that?
(Lorenzo speaking foreign language)
Oh, to keep you from
falling into enemy hands.
(Sarge laughs)
Your selflessness knows no bounds.
- Senor Grif.
(Lorenzo speaking foreign language)
- Hey, don't look at me Lopez,
I'm the lazy one remember?
I can barely speak English.
- Let's get our boogie on troops,
before they come looking for survivors.
(intense music)
The power facility is at the top.
That's where Temple will be
holed up with the machine.
- Too late to call for backup?
- Any ideas Carolina?
- One or two.
Hey Grif, what did you
bring in the way of edibles?
- Ease up, broseph.
Just say, "Don't knock
it till you try it."
- Personally I don't see
what the big deal is.
- They're baby seals.
See that's why it's so funny
when you bash their brains in
personally, I like to
put on some Nickelback,
do a few dozen at a time.
(imitates gunshots)
- Yeah, I mean, I guess
that's kind of funny.
- Fine judge Judy, the
heck do you do for fun?
- Oh, you know, normal stuff.
I like pushing small children down wells.
I like hunting endangered animals.
I like driving around without
ever using my turn signals.
(red grunt laughing)
- Nice.
- You know, lately
I've really been into defending
Hitler on the internet.
- Hell yeah.
- Pretty much every Red on this hillside
is a casual racist and a Holocaust denier.
(blue grunt laughing)
- Same with the blues.
We also agree that all women are sluts.
(grunts scream)
- I've been mortally wounded.
- Contact, south east, we're
under attack, open fire.
- Yeah, all right, hey,
I can't see anything,
I don't have my glasses.
- Hey guys, how's it going guys?
Going good over there?
I'm doing the methshrooms,
me-me-methshrooms,
and they're doing their
thing and I'm doing my thing
and everything's going great over here,
I feel great, over.
(gunfire blazing)
- Very surprising sneak attack.
(Sarge shouts)
(gun shot fires)
- Damn it Sarge.
- Saddle up, Simmons, for
Grif, Warthog's on the action.
- With pleasure, sir.
(Warthog revving)
(machine gun firing)
Yeah, suck it Blues and
Reds, and Blues and Reds.
- Got three new tangos to the West.
- Copy that, juking at 9:00 o'clock
- Simmons contact, 85 degrees East.
- Simmons, by God, two
marks at 12 o'clock.
- Can we please settle on
a consistent denomination?
- Are we using Cardinal directions
or are we using clock positions?
- Simmons, contact, hard to starboard.
- Never mind.
- Hard right Sarge,
you've got reinforcement
from the Northwest.
- You're up, Donut,
think my methshrooms
are wearing off a bit,
no, no no no they're not.
- Bombs away.
(gunfire blazing)
- Please have mercy, I'm innocent.
Also Global warming is
fake news you cucks.
(grunt laughing)
(grunt groaning)
(gunfire blazing)
- Gotcha.
Who tied my shoelace together?
(Tucker laughing)
- Good one Caboose.
- I'm so sneaky, they don't
even know what's happening.
You can't even see me right now,
Tucker you're so confused.
- More coming in from the North,
Sarge circle back to regroup.
(gunfire continues)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Doc] Where, where did you get it?
Tell me Dylan, where?
Dr. Johansen?
Slow down, what are you talking about?
- [Doc] The machine,
where did it come from?
It's aliens, isn't it?
It has to be.
- The machine?
But you said it could never function.
I was wrong and now we're
dead, we're all dead Dylan,
the damn thing is fully
fucking functional.
- Saddle up Lorenzo, it's time
to whack this dingle berries.
(Cronut laughing)
(Lorenzo speaking in foreign language)
(Warthog explodes)
- [Doc] We ran the plans
through our simulators, okay?
Damn computers froze and overheated,
then it just works somehow, how?
I don't know.
- But you said it needs
a super Nova of power.
- [Doc] I can't believe
I'm saying this out loud
Dylan, the damn thing is
a, is a, is a time machine.
It generates power by opening
a wormhole to the past
and using the energy imbalance
between the two timelines,
like a crono-electric generator.
This is insane, what am I saying?
- A time machine? You're fucking with me.
- [Doc] Oh my God, I wish,
I wish that were true.
This is some
Ark-of-the-Covenant shit, Dylan.
This is God magic.
(gunfire blazing)
- Tank, coming in hard, Tucker.
- Copy, I'm on it.
- Grif, can you distract the robot?
(Grif snoring)
- Oh, I'm on it guys.
- Jax, no.
- Hey, Italian robot,
uh, Fellini sucks,
oh, and Dario Argento is a poser.
(foreign language)
And Sergio Leone is uh overrated,
a little, just a little.
(foreign language)
And soccer's boring as fuck.
(gunfire blazing)
- Vendetta.
(punches thudding)
- Tucker, what in Sam Hell,
do you think you're doing?
- I'm taking down this tank.
- By punching it?
- Fuck yeah, Ah.
- That's not going to work.
- It's totally going to work you assholes.
I'm punching it right in the radiator.
- That's not how radiators work.
- Shut up and help me
punch this fucking tank.
- All right, Doc, let's cut to the chase.
What happens if someone uses
this fucking time machine laser drill.
- [Doc] Well say goodbye to that planet,
Setting aside the tsunamis,
earthquakes and mega volcanoes,
the bigger problem is Newton.
- Care to elaborate?
- [Doc] Newton's third law.
Every action has an equal
and opposite reaction.
The law of consequences.
You can't steal energy from the past
without the energy
coming back to haunt you.
- Sounds bad.
- [Doc] Quantum singularity bad,
black hole sucking up the planet bad.
Now, Dylan, I'd love to stay
curious and chat forever,
but me and the guys need to run some tests
on how fast we can get shit-faced wasted,
and pass out under our
lab desks before dying.
- Sounds like a plan doctor,
thanks for the insight.
(punches thudding)
- Tucker, Stop it.
- Don't listen to him.
This is the best idea you've ever heard.
- You're going to break your arm.
(punches thudding)
- No I ain't, I'm going to
break this fucking tank.
(punch thudding)
- Tucker please.
(tank explodes)
(Tucker laughing)
- Check me out motherfuckers.
Tucker's got his groove back.
- That should not have worked.
- [Tucker] Yeah, oh yeah.
- Fully functional he said,
powered by an honest to God time machine.
- But time travel's impossible.
- How can you say that?
We've traveled in time before.
- No we didn't, we just thought we did.
Don't you remember?
- Aw shit, I think you might be right.
All that shit was so confusing.
- Regardless, if Temple
switches on this damn thing,
it's the apocalypse, that's
what matters right now.
- He wouldn't destroy
the planet for vengeance.
- He might not even know.
He might not be thinking
about anything but revenge.
- Yeah, he might be an idiot.
- Well, he's definitely dangerous.
Come on, let's go.
- I'm gonna, I'm gonna need a minute guys.
(Simmons sighing)
- I told you to taking all
the meth mushrooms at once
was a terrible idea.
Yeah, I'm going to hurl, oh no.
(Grif throwing up)
- I'll hold your head.
- Well, you've got 30 seconds,
and we still got work to do
before that psychopath
turns on the time machine.
(sinister music)
- Oh no,
we're too late.
- Working.
It's working.
It's alive.
(Loco laughing)
- For real?
Yes, the resident's cascade is growing,
the drill is drilling and the door,
the door will be opening too, hooray.
- Loco you magnificent
bastard, I love you right now.
- Let's not pop the champagne just yet.
The Reds and Blues are
inside the facility.
They have breached the outer defenses.
- Fuck, oh, well whatever,
Surge hold them off,
you need to buy us time.
- But I don't have the re...
- But nothing Grunt, a soldier
follows orders no matter what
you taught me that.
So make good on it and buy
us some motherfucking time.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- They're here, oh boy.
I have to get something from the ship.
Whoa, like hell, you need to stay here
and watch these controls.
- It runs itself, but I'll be real quick.
- Fine but listen, Loco,
The Reds and Blues are our mortal enemies.
If you see them, you have to kill them.
Got it?
- Okay.
- And make it quick.
- Listen up, mission simple.
Find that crazy machine
and shut it the fuck down.
- Which way?
- No choice, we've got to split up.
- Red's head that a ways,
the Blues and me and Carolina
will take the other door.
- That was a hell of a
hike up here, Carolina.
Are you sure you don't need a minute?
- Yes, I'm sure.
If I take it easy, I'll be fine.
You, on the other hand.
- Jax and I will stay here
where it's safe for us,
it's better that way.
- Let the record state that
we all know you're lying.
- Duly noted.
- Take Donut for protection at least.
- I knew what I wore my
latex armor for a reason.
- Why does Dylan get
both the human shields?
- Reds on me.
As far as days to die go,
it's a little overcast.
So let's check our corners
and make these bastards pay.
- Blues, let's light the
fires and kick the tires.
- Reds let's dance with these monkeys
and give them one four.
- Blues let's put the pedal to the metal
and the rubber to the road.
- Reds, let's get jiggy with it,
no, no, not, not, no, not not.
- Does this sort of thing happen often?
- I think the record is two hours.
Reds, let's shoot this
monkey full of heroin
and put it on YouTube.
Actually, let's not do that
it sounds completely horrible.
(gunshots blazing)
Sneak attack.
(gunshots blazing)
- Howrah
(Sarge laughing)
(gunshots blazing)
- Reds, let's teach these
midgets how to tango.
(footsteps thudding)
- Oh look, a penny.
(kicks pounding)
taking it easy, huh?
- Shut up and help me up please.
- Well, well look what the cat dragged in.
- I can't believe I have to
hear this shit in stereo now.
- Hey, um, Tucker already made that joke.
- God damn it.
- Grif, Simmons, get on outta here.
- Sarge, if you'll allow
me, I think that's stupid.
We've got him outnumbered three to one.
Let's just shoot him and move on.
- It would be so easy.
- Just to put a cap in his ass and stroll.
- No I must face my demons mano a mano,
now go.
- Hey, come on, we don't
have time for this.
- Try hard to win, sir.
- Well, here we are.
Two men enter one man leaves.
(both harmonizing)
- Surge, it doesn't have to be this way.
We can walk on out of here together.
- Unlike you, I would
never betray my duty.
- By God man, open your eyes.
You enlisted in the army
to help save the world,
and here you are about to destroy it.
- I am not.
- Are too.
- Well, you are the one
who betrayed orders.
At least when I die, I'll die with honor.
- Honor shmonor.
- Audible gasp.
- There's more to life than
blindly following orders
like some automaton.
- What, like friendship?
- Like knowing right from
wrong and good from evil
and Red from Blue.
That's what makes us us
without it, we ain't even
soldiers, we're villains,
terroristas, vampires.
- I ain't no vampire.
(gunshot blazing)
- Let me go, it's better I die in battle.
- No that would be wrong Surge,
and a true soldier, always
knows the difference.
That's what real honor, real patriotism,
real duty is all about.
(Surge screaming)
- Oh whoops.
(melancholic music)
- Oh friends, thank my stars.
- You?
- We have to hurry.
The Blues and Reds are up to some serious,
really bad, not good at all mischief,
and we've got to stop them.
- You've got some real nerve Doc.
- What?
Guys, I found out about your plans
and tried to talk them out of it.
It didn't go great and then
they locked me up, I swear.
- Bull fucking shit.
- Scout's honor,
except I was never a scout
because I'm afraid of badges,
but I'm telling you the Blues
and Reds are broken bad guys.
I'm really worried about them.
- Do you believe a word this
asshole is saying Carolina?
Carolina?
(Carolina thuds)
Oh shit.
Oh geez, what did Temple do to you?
You told me you and Wash were at the spa.
- Who would believe that?
- Tucker, you thought we
were out getting food.
- I, okay.
Hearing that back now, it
does sound kind of stupid.
- You need medical attention Carolina.
The fact that you've made it
this far without collapsing
is not really human.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Tucker, I am the only
person within 1000 miles
with any medical knowledge whatsoever.
Now it's not much,
and I'd honestly feel
much more comfortable
if there was someone besides me
who knew what they were doing,
and it's been a while since
I've actually practiced
and come to think of it,
this is not really a medical device,
it's actually an alien pistol.
- Okay, please stop talking.
Tucker it's fine.
You go after Temple,
I'll catch up when I can.
- Damn it.
- And Tucker, don't kill
him unless you have to.
- No promises.
(gunfire blazing)
- Stop, they're coming up behind us.
- I'll find cover.
(intense music)
(Gene groans)
- Simmons?
- Shoot him Grif, hurry.
- No Grif, shoot him, he's Gene.
- Grif, don't listen to
him I'm the real Simmons.
- He's lying Grif, shoot him.
- Ah shit, I can't hold
it Grif, shoot him.
- Why are we here?
- What?
- What?
- I said, why are we here?
Answer me now.
- Because we need to
stop these evil fucks,
that's why?
- No, we don't know why we're here,
it's still one of life's
great mysteries, isn't it?
(gunshot fires)
(Gene groans)
- Thanks Grif.
- No problem, dude.
- Help, I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
It wasn't personal, help me up Simmons.
Help me up, we can work on
inventory spreadsheets together
we can quote Star Wars and
solve quadratic equations.
- What are you thinking?
- I mean, he is all the way over there
and maybe we can come back for him later.
- [Gene] What, What are you talking about?
- I guess I'm just feeling kind of lazy.
- Nice.
- Fuck you assholes, fuck you Simmons,
I lied about Star Wars, I
actually prefer their prequels.
(Gene laughing)
I'm going Darth Maul this
and come back in a shitty video game.
- Christ, he's annoying.
Oh my God, right, it's not just me?
(gunshots blazing)
- Suck it you stupid bastards.
When I kill you I'm going
to defile your corpses.
Boom chicka wah wah.
- Fuck,
come on, come on,
fuck, fuck.
- What's the matter Buckey?
Can't get it up?
Oh so tight.
(intense music playing)
- Game over Temple.
- Hardly, more like game on,
and just in time for
the fireworks no less.
Turn that thing, the fuck off.
- Impossible, plus aren't you curious
about what happens next?
According to Loco, we're
almost to the awesome part.
I for one am quite curious about this door
he keeps going on about.
What happens next is
you're going to destroy
the fucking planet if you
don't turn off that machine,
- No need to be dramatic.
- It's true.
Loco's machine is a doomsday device.
You'll destroy the UNSC,
but you'll wipe out the
entire planet in the process.
- Bullshit, you all just
want to help the UNSC
in exchange for more medals and favors,
well fuck you.
And anyway, it's too late.
No off switch, you see? You can't stop it,
and neither can I
(gun cocks)
- Hands up dirt bag.
- Sir yes, sir.
- It's toasty in here, isn't it?
Why don't we all just fucking chill?
Beep.
- God damn it, I can't move.
- Son of a, I'm stiff as a statue.
- I'm stiff too and my armor is locked.
- What's wrong with them?
- Oh, that's right.
You're a special case, aren't you Caboose?
Courtesy of that old helmet of yours.
How about this?
You don't fucking move and I
don't fucking pop your friends
like pimples with this remote.
- He's bluffing.
- Try me.
Okay Shelly play Monologue Mix.
You know, you all remind me of
my favorite Churchill quote.
Yours is a story
told by an idiot full of sound and fury
signifying nothing.
Apropos, no?
- [Sarge] Nah, my monologues were better.
- Rome wasn't burned in a
day, but the UNSC will be.
You attacked them on behalf
of Kimball and independence.
And the DNA that you left at our base
will be the icing on your destruction.
You will be stuck between
a rock and the frying pan.
- Oh my ears, you are
terrible with metaphors.
- Temple, you have to stop this.
We're not lying about the planet.
- I didn't start the fire,
it was always burning
since the world's been
turning, they made their cake,
now they can lie in it.
- What about the dozens you've killed,
your own men, the pilots at Desert Gulch,
who answers for them?
- Oh, if I said that
I would weep for them,
would it make you feel any better?
- No, but kicking your ass might.
Get away from my pals you dipshit.
(Grif shouting)
(Grif thuds)
(Grif groans)
(Temple laughing)
- That was amazing, do
it again, do it again.
- So much for heroism.
Join your friends in
the circle or die here.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Have it your way.
(intense music playing)
- What's the matter
Temple, afraid of blood?
- Shut up.
(armors clanking)
(Sarge laughing)
- All right.
- Game on bitches.
(intense music)
- Hey, Caboose, I have
something for you Caboose.
- Oh fuck.
(gunshot fires)
(Loco groans)
- Oh that idiot.
(body thuds)
(electric static)
- Loco, your batteries.
I brought you some Caboose.
You can, you can fix Freckles now.
- Oh, oh thank you.
Is he, is he going to die?
- I think so.
Loco the machine, how do we turn it off?
- You can't.
- Impossible, but Caboose,
I did make the door, because friends,
best friends should be
able, able to say goodbye.
- What does he mean?
- Bye bye, say it.
- Bye.
(intense music intensifies)
- Caboose?
Rookie, what the hell
are you doing up here?
You're supposed to be guarding the flag.
What the fuck guys, I came up
here for some peace and quiet.
- What on earth is happening?
- Loco's machine opened
a portal to the past.
Jeez Dylan, try to keep up.
- Oh, no freaking way.
- Hurry, hurry Caboose,
you don't have long.
(Loco herks)
- Caboose, pull him through.
- No Tucker.
I know what I need to do.
- Seriously, what the fuck
is happening right now.
Is there something in the water?
- Church, Church there's a lot
of things I never got to say,
and I know I won't get
another chance to say them, so
I think you are cool, like
super awesome amazing cool
and I always felt like really awesome too
when we were hanging out
together, you know, I,
I really felt sad when you died because...
- [Church] What do you mean when I died?
- I never felt sad when you died because
I couldn't imagine a world without you,
but I know it's real.
I know, I know, and I'm sad.
Things, things really
aren't okay without you,
but I know with my other friends
who even if you add them all up together,
aren't really as cool as you,
I know, we're all gonna be okay.
I know we're all going to be okay.
I know we're all going to be okay.
Go back to heaven now Church
and say hello to Loco when you got there.
He was all right, too.
- All right, which one of you ass hats
wants to tell me what the
fuck is going on right now?
(electric static)
- What in the name of
Patton's gray ghost was that?
- I don't know if we're
gonna be around long enough
to parse together a theory.
- We're out of time we
need to do something.
- Like what, shoot it?
Oh, no, we need a sacrifice.
- Shut up, Jax.
- No, listen, that's
how this always works.
One of us needs to heroically
sacrifice themselves
while giving an emotional monologue.
- Damn it he's right.
- What?
- Sarge?
- But who's willing to
lay down their life,
to save everyone else?
- Not it.
- Not ti.
- No one needs to make a heroic sacrifice.
- [Vic] Yoh, yoh, yoh,
did I just hear the words
heroic go sacrificicle?
- Oh God damn it.
- Vic, Vic, I know it's a long shot,
but it appears this machine
has some computer systems.
- Can you try to ac...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this is wish number?
- Wish number three, the last one.
Now go.
- Oh boy, hey guys, hey du didilly do,
I've never seen a system
like this one before.
- Can you stop it?
- No way, no way, but
maybe I can stabilize it,
I'll give it a try, duderino.
(phone beeping)
Dudes, dudettes and duderinos,
if you're hearing this message
that's because I can't get
to the phone right now.
It also means I had to race my cebase
to the save the date for all y'all.
You're welcome, and your old buddy Vic,
only has one more thing
to say to you dudes.
You know, there's so many stories
where some brave hero steps up and goes
and gives their lives to save the day,
and because of it, the good guys win,
the survivors, all cheer hooray
and everybody lives happily ever after,
except for Vic.
Oh yeah, I'm outta here.
Leave a message, after the beep compadres,
but I won't check it
because I'm in the eternal infinity,
this is 555 V-I-C-K signing off.
And if anybody backed me up,
I will punch you in the nuts.
(machine chiming)
- Did he do it?
- He did something.
- Whoa, it tickles,
(Donut giggling)
- Does someone want to explain
what the fuck just happened?
- We uh, we won, I think.
(melancholic music)
- This is for Wash, you piece of shit.
- Tucker, stop.
Oh, come on, now you show up?
- Don't kill him.
- I think she makes a great point, Tucker.
- But he deserves it more
than anyone, he's a killer.
- And so are we, but we're
a different sort, Tucker.
We only fight and take
lives when we have to.
And you don't have to this time.
- Yeah Tucker, if you kill me,
you'll just perpetuate
this never-ending cycle
of revenge and retaliation.
- My friends, will avenge me.
- What friends?
- I got, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, don't please.
- Dick head.
- Did somebody call for backup?
- Aw, we didn't miss the party did we?
- Hey, look who finally showed up.
- Just in time to mop up
another one of our messes.
- Big bro, is that you?
Dex?
- Aw hell, what are you doing here?
- I was on Chorus for business,
when these weirdos got your call.
they let me tag along.
- Business, oh God,
do I need to confiscate
your webcams again?
- Bitch shut up and hug me.
- Oh, you'll be happy to know
Dr. Grey has Washington alive
and recovering.
- Oh, that's music.
- Oh thank Christ.
- Oh, he asked us to deliver
an important message to you all
but then he just sang
the DuckTales theme song
and fell back asleep, awoo.
- President Kimball has questions
about his delivery to Chorus.
Apparently no one at DD
general can figure out
how he ended up at the
hospital in the first place.
- That's a, a long story.
Maybe we don't worry
her with it right now.
- But I have a feeling, her
relationship with the UNSC
will get a little easier
after we file the final story.
- How about Vic, huh?
- I mean, the least we owe
our fallen comrade here,
is a moment of respectful silence.
Anyway who's hungry?
- I'm peckish I could eat.
- I could go for some grub.
- I could eat a horse.
- With you I'm worried that's
not a figure of speech.
- That's a figure of speech?
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Whatever are we done here?
- Because I've got some
volleyballs to spike
in this fucking volcano.
- Job well done Jax.
Nothing left to do, but post this bad boy.
- And read all the comment threads.
- Any idea what you'll
do when the dust settles?
Back to film school?
- Well, I don't know.
Gotta say this whole thing
did give me a wicked idea
for a movie.
- Send me the script
when it's done, will you?
I'd love to check it out.
- Of course.
- And uh good job partner.
- Dylan, you know, I'll
never forget this, right?
I mean, PTSD is forever, isn't it?
- Hi Carlos, guess who.
- Dylan Andrews that who.
I'm so excited, how are you?
- I'm well.
- How are you?
- Well, after you stole my ship
and went missing with my nephew,
I did have somewhat of a
breakdown, but I'm fine now.
The doctors have me on horse tranquilizers
and I feel like a fluffy,
soft load of laundry.
(Carlos laughs)
Please, please Dylan, enough about me.
How are you doing?
- Great, the assignments all finished.
- Oh, that's wonderful news.
I never doubted you for
a single solitary second.
Tell me, Dylan how is my nephew?
- He's good, his bullet
wounds are healing nicely.
- Bullets?
Did you, did you say his wounds?
wounds as in plural?
- Yeah, multiple gunshot wounds.
He's in much better shape
than your ship though.
This thing is totaled.
- My ship is totaled, my ship...
it doesn't matter,
it does not matter.
You know, what really matters?
The story.
Did you get the story?
- Yes, but it'll have to wait.
Someone is finally returning my call.
- I'm not waiting, don't you
dare hang up on me, all right?
I'm not above putting a contract
out on your stinky filthy
pencil-headed little life Dylan.
(Carlos laughing)
- Yoh dude, take a chill pill.
I don't have the bandwidth
for the full feed,
but I can at least send you
the wrap up while I take this.
- You listen to me, I'm talking.
- Hi James.
When I first described the Reds and Blues,
I called them heroes.
That may have been premature.
What I've come to understand
after spending time with them
is they're more than that.
They're stupid and arrogant
and lazy and selfish
and stubborn, none of the qualities,
any reasonable person would call heroic.
What the Reds and Blues
have taught me is that
it's not the sum of your parts
that makes you who you are.
It's not what you're endowed with,
not intelligence or strength,
but what you hold onto
throughout the hardest trials of life.
These people have shown me
that real heroes are not born,
they're forged.
A friend told me once that
there's no fate but what you make
and I think he's right.
What makes a hero is their ability
to choose light over darkness,
to walk through fire and not be burned.
To fall from great
heights and not be broken,
to be changed and reborn
and be better for it
again and again.
It's who you become when
you lose someone close.
When the world stops making sense,
when you're thrust into responsibility
that you never asked for.
That's what makes a hero,
and that's what makes the Reds and Blues,
some of the greatest our
universe has ever seen.
This has been Dylan
Andrews, Interstellar Daily.
(upbeat outro music)
(buzzer ringing)
- Mealtime.
(guard laughing)
Something special for you guys.
(guard laughing)
Let me guess,
awesome?
(upbeat music)
- And then Temple says, revenge
is a dish best served frozen
and he freezes them right in their armor.
- [Hollywood producer]
All right, all right.
Skip to the end now how's it all wrap up?
- Well, you'll just have to
read the script to find out,
all 311 pages.
- [Hollywood producer] Hard to believe
this all really happened.
- That's all true, every
single word, for the most part.
I took some dramatic license
with the movie references,
fudged a few plot points here and there,
but that's the gist of it,
you know, the gist of it, more or less.
- [Hollywood producer] Well, our studio
hasn't made an original movie
in a few 100 years, but
we might be interested.
You shopping this around at all?
- Listen, Petes.
I got offers all over
Tinseltown for the spec,
but if you're looking for
something else I could tell you
about a little movie called Moon Doom.
(VelicoROCKtor by Joe Nicolosi
feat. Jen Brown playing)
♪ We came to this planet
for some peace and quiet, ♪
♪ No more mercenaries, villains ♪
♪ or nefarious space-pirates, ♪
♪ Oh no, ♪
♪ What's that, ♪
♪ over there, ♪
♪ in the fields, ♪
♪ It a beast, ♪
♪ Really tall, ♪
♪ Sharp teeth, ♪
♪ Long claws, ♪
♪ Turns out, somehow, the
beasts could be controlled, ♪
♪ Caboose taught the dinosaurs
how to rock and roll ♪
- [Jen] Caboose drum solo.
(drum solo)
(Blood Gulch Blues by Trocadero playing)
♪ Roses are red and violets are blue, ♪
♪ One day we'll cruise
down Blood Gulch avenue, ♪
♪ It's red versus red
and blue versus blue, ♪
♪ It's I against I and me against you, ♪
♪ Violets are blue, roses are red, ♪
♪ Living like this we were already dead ♪
(radio static)
- [Church] What the actual fuck?
All right, well, I'm just
going to try to forget
that ever happened and
never bring it up again.