Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - The Chronicle - full transcript

- [Simmons] I'm the one
who keeps it all together.

Logistics, dishes,
laundry, cleaning the guns,

taking out the trash.

You know, you might think
that would make me popular.

- [Jax] Not really.

(sighs)

- [Simmons] Es ta le sulekha?

- [Dylan] Excuse me?

- [Simmons] It means "I am so alone"?

Jesus, doesn't anybody speak Esperanto?

- [Dylan] I always thought
you were close with Grif.



Weren't you two friends?

- [Simmons] N-no, friends
have things in common.

Shared interests, common sense of humor.

Grif and I were practically
different species.

Seriously, I did a DNA test on him once.

Do you want to know how much
pygmy sloth he has in him?

Because it's a lot.

- [Dylan] It looks
different from the others.

- [Tucker] I'm getting
the weirdest déjà vu

from this place.

- [Caboose] Boy, you leave
Blood Gulch for a few years

and it really falls to pieces.

- [Tucker] This isn't Blood Gul...

Wait...hold up...



- [Caboose] Yup, see? Yep!

There's Red Base, yup,
and there's Blue Base...

Oh, and there's where I
shot Church with a tank!

That was a very exciting episode.

- [Tucker] Damn! He's right!

It's a fucking Blood Gulch replica!

- [Donut] Oh, I planted a
daylily patch before we left!

Let's go check if it's here too?

- [Sarge] Not so fast!
I smell an ambush...

High cover all around!
A small area to retreat.

Classic kill zone.

- [Tucker] I hate to agree with Sarge,

but after what just happened,

I think we should error
on the side of caution.

- [Simmons] You mean err
on the side of caution.

- [Tucker] "Err"? Err is not a word.

- [Simmons] Yes, it is!

Watch, I'll even use it in a sentence!

"Tucker was forced to pay for
an entire elementary schools'

worth of bastards, after
an err in judgment."

- [Tucker] Wow. Way to make fun
of a single parent, Simmons.

Real mature.

- [Sarge] Lopez! We need intelligencia!

Do a scan for life forms!

- [Lopez] Soy un robot,
no la Enterprise Espacial.

- [Sarge ] Jammed?! This
is worse than I thought!

- [Tucker] Somebody should go ahead,

we need a...what'cha m'call it?

- [Simmons] A scout?

- [Tucker] I was gonna say,
sacrifice, but scout works too!

We need to know if anyone is out there

before we walk into this!

- [Caboose] (yelling) Hello!
Is! Anybody! Out! There?!

- [Tucker] Or before Caboose does that.

- [Caboose-like Voice]
(yelling) Just! Over! Here!

- [Donut] Man! The echoes
in this canyon are weird!

- [Simmons] That wasn't an
echo. That's someone else!

- [Dylan] Ask them who they are!

- [Sarge] No, no. Find
out if it's an ambush!

- [Caboose] (yelling) Are you a bush?!

- [Caboose-like Voice] No!
Well, yeah! Pretty sure!

- [Not Caboose] I am not A bush!

- [Tucker] Whoa.

- [Dylan] Are you getting this?

- [ Jax] Oh, yeah!

And, I just discovered the
anamorphic setting on my camera!

This is gonna look epic!

(intense music playing)

- [Caboose] Hello!
Yeah, you look familiar.

Have we, um...Have we met?

- [Not Caboose] I-I was about
to ask you the same thing!

- [Caboose] Huh...

- [Not Caboose] Hmm...

- [Both] I-I don't, uh...I don't, uh...

- [Caboose] Oh, I know!

Why don't you tell me a little
bit more about yourself?

- [Not Caboose] I have a best friend!

Even though sometimes he yells at me.

Also! Whenever I get
confused! I just say, "Neat."

- [Caboose] Neat!

And uh, where do you see
yourself in five years?

- [Simmons] Caboose, this
isn't a job interview!

Ask him why does he look like you!

- [Tucker] No, ask him if he's alone!

- [Caboose] Why do you look alone?

- [Not Caboose] We are
throwing you a surprise party!

All my friends are still hiding!

- [Surge] Dang it, Loco! You ruined it!

- [Loco] Oh! (whispers) Surprise.

- [Surge] We are coming out! Don't shoot!

- [Tucker] Holy shit. It's us.

- [Sarge] Who in Sam Blazes are you?

And why are you dressed like us?

- [Surge] Ease up there, compadre.

That's for the boss to explain.

- [Temple] Brothers in arms,
we greet you with open--

- [Caboose] You're not Church!

- [Temple] Huh? But I didn't--

- [Caboose] Where is he? Why
are you dressed like him?

- [Surge] Perimeter breach!
Drop your weapon, son!

- [Tucker] Get that gun
off my teammate, redneck!

- [Not Simmons] Don't threaten
Surge, you dirty Blue!

- [Tucker] Simmons, what are you doing?

- [Simmons] (stuttering)
That's not me, I'm over here!

- [Temple] Everyone, please!

Let's all take a fucking
chill pill, alright?

Gene, Surge, lower the guns!

- [Surge] Sir, yes sir!

- [Temple] Ahem, sorry, this
is all a little weird for me.

I just can't believe
you're all finally here!

- [Tucker] Alright, you're real big fans.

Can't blame you there.

But that's no reason to go
around cos-playing as us,

you creeps!

- [Temple] (stuttering)
N-no we're not just dressing

like you!

We're like you!

That sounds funny, uh, okay.

We were also sim-troopers
for Project Freelancer.

We were stationed here, in this gulch.

- [Sarge] I don't buy it.

- [Surge] It's true, son. Every word.

- [Simmons] Yeah, this is
a little hard to believe.

I mean, you have a Sarge,
a Tucker, a Donut--

- [Temple] Well, actually
it's Surge, Bucky, and Cronut.

- [Simmons] What's next,
you're going to tell us

you have a Spanish speaking robot as well?

- [Gene] Of course not,
that would be absurd!

Lorenzo speaks Italian!

- [Lorenzo] Ciao. Come
stai, nuovi estranei?

- [Temple] I'm Temple.

I'm the leader of our team.

Not because I want to,
it sorta fell in my lap.

We call ourselves the Blues and Reds.

- [Sarge] Terrible name!

- [Temple] With that out of the way,

how about we get the fuck out of here?

It ain't safe above ground right now.

- [Tucker] We came here
expecting to find Church,

not a bunch of knock-off clones!

So why don't you tell us what's going on,

and we can decide where
to kill you or not!

- [Temple] We'll tell
you everything, just...

can we do it in a safer place?

- [Tucker] Not happening, dude.

- [Dylan] Why don't you
start with all the attacks?

- [Temple] I'll start at the truth.

The UNSC. The same military
you enlisted in, the one that

sold your lives and souls
to Project Freelancer,

well apparently that
wasn't enough for them.

They're going around killing
off everyone involved

with the project.

- [Tucker] Woah, back up.

You're suggesting the UNSC
is killing the Freelancers.

- [Temple] That's just
the cap of the iceberg.

It's everyone.

Agents, sim-troopers,
techs, pilots, janitors...

- [Donut] But, why?

- [Temple] I don't know if
it's some splinter cell,

or some four-star
bureaucrat sweeping us all

under the rug before he runs for office.

But the situation is the same.

We only risked coming here
because we knew you were close,

and we had to warn you.

- [Tucker] And just how does
Church play into all of this?

The beacons? The coverup?

- [Temple] We think he's their prisoner.

I don't know how long they've
had him, or where he is.

We've been gathering
intel about our enemies,

and we came across his transmission

in one of their networks.

We built these relays to get in contact.

We thought you'd wanna know.

- [Tucker] So, Dylan, are
these or are these not the guys

that tried to kill you on Sidewinder?

- [Dylan] I believe they are.

- [Temple] We what?

You what?

- [Gene] It's Bucky's fault!

- [Bucky] You were the one who shot first!

- [Gene] You gave the order to shoot!

- [Bucky] I meant shoot like
"damn," not shoot like shoot!

No matter what,

you should've errored on
the side of caution, Gene!

- [Gene] How many times do I
have to tell you, it's "err"!

- [Simmons] He's right, "err" is a word!

- [Both] No, it's not!

- [Gene] Regardless, we realized
we fucked up and ran away.

And they attacked us

with that maniac bounty hunter of theirs!

- [Tucker] Wait a second. The
bounty hunter was with you?

- [Dylan] Temple, even
if what you say is true,

it's Chorus that's paying
the price for your attacks.

- [Temple] Chorus?

That's old news, lady.
The peace talks worked.

Chorus is fine. We have a
new strategy now anyway. A--

(beeping)

What is it, Surge?

- [Surge] Proximity alert just
went off! We got... incomin'!

- [Tucker] Incoming what?

- [Temple] Bad guys.

(intense music playing)

- [UNSC Pilot] Targets
located. Fixing missile lock.

- [UNSC Pilot] Ha-ha, oh
yeah, look at 'em run!

- [UNSC Pilot] Outlook
spotted weapons free. Engage.

- [UNSC Pilot] Apple two, fox three!

- [Simmons] Ah, run!

- [Loco] I died!

- [Dylan] Roll camera!

- [Jax] Oh, this is gonna
be great for my reel!

(weapons firing)

- [Surge] Grab one, son. That's an order!

- [Sarge] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rank check!

- [Surge] Colonel.

- [Sarge] Same. Do you remember
the procedure for this?

- [Surge] (laughing) Of course!

- [Sarge] Awaiting orders, sir!

(weapons firing)

- [Sarge] Ye-haw!

- [Surge] That was a heck of a shot, son!

- [Sarge] Hot damn!

It feels good to be back in
the chain of command! Woo-hoo!

- [Surge] It's great
to have ya on our side!

- [Sarge] Ya-ha-hoo!

- [Temple] We need to spread out!

We're jammed like sardines in here!

- [Tucker] Lopez! Pasta robot!

Draw their fire off the left flank!

- [Lopez] Sí, vamanos.

- [Lorenzo] Sì, ah diamo.

- [Tucker] Donut! Pink man!

- [Cronut] Ooh, technically
it's reddish white!

- [Tucker] Don't care! Get to the roof!

We need you to avert their fire!

- [Donut] Looks like we've
got quite the sticky mess

on our hands!

- [Cronut] Let's blow our tops together

after a short countdown!

- [Donut] I'm wide open to that idea,

but where should we count down from?

- [Cronut] Ten! No, five!
Or, let's make it a quickie!

- [Donut] I can get behind that!

(both screaming)

- [Jax] Aah!

- [Dylan] What in God's
name are you doing?

- [Jax] Ah, I'm practicing
my Wilhelm scream!

Y'know, in case I get thrown
by an explosion like them!

- [Dylan] Your what?

- [Jax] Wilhelm scream. Aah!

You know, the one from every movie!

- [Dylan] This isn't a
movie! They could be injured!

- [Jax] Ah, yeah. What was I thinking?

We should definitely just add it in post.

(weapons firing)

- [Simmons] That's the last of the AA!

- [Gene] We triple checked!

- [Simmons] Twice!

- [Temple] Two left. Dibs on one.

Got any bright ideas for the other?

- [Tucker] I'm sure
I'll think of something.

- [Temple] Shit!

(weapon fires and misses)

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Casualty report.

- [Jax] Well, the pink dudes got blown up.

- [Donut] We're okay!

- [Cronut] My daylily
patch cushioned our fall.

- [Surge] Both robots have
been dismembered, sirs.

- [Both] (in Spanish and Italian)

- [Temple] Gather the parts,
but do it quick, we're leaving.

You all can come with or not,

but the UNSC will be sending
reinforcements any minute.

The surface is no longer safe.

- [Dylan] Why do you
keep saying "surface"?

- [Temple] Welcome home, my friends.

While we're here, we're safe.

- [Caboose] (gasps) This place is awesome!

There are fishes! Dripping water!

Swimming pools! Crazy machine!

- [Temple] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa,
uh, this area is off-limits.

We wouldn't want anyone
getting hurt, after all.

- [Dylan] What is this thing?

- [Temple] That's how we stay hidden.

It's a sorta cloaking device.

Now, why don't you make
yourselves at home?

I do hope that you'll be our guests

in the mess hall this evening for dinner.

We've having fish.

- [Bucky] Yo, Tucker!

Just wondering,

you got a thing going on
with that reporter chick?

- [Tucker] Who, Dylan? No dude.

- [Bucky] Sweet!

Dunno if you've noticed,

but it's a bit of a
sausage party around here.

- [Tucker] Oh, I know all
about sausage parties!

Uh, wait, I think that came out wrong.

- [Bucky] Sure it did.
Boom-chicka-wah-wah.

- [Tucker] This is
officially fucking weird.

- [Sarge] Name, rank, serial number.

That's all you're getting from me.

- [Dylan] Well, that's
a good place to start.

I have no idea what your actual name is.

Every record I ever
found just says "Sarge."

- [Sarge] I see right through
your ploy clear as glass.

- [Dylan] There is no ploy.
I just don't know your name.

- [Sarge] Ha! You think
you'll just butter me up!

When I least expect it: Whambo!

You pry open my mind prison
and suck out my brain beans!

Well, I'm not falling for it.

I'm all past the interrogation game.

Pay attention, missy! You might
just learn a thing or two.

- [Dylan] Well, if we're not
going to talk, we can just cut.

I don't why you asked for this interview.

- [Sarge] To keep an eye on you.

Ya see Temple and Surge don't trust you.

They sent me to find out what you know,

so while you think
you're interrogating me,

I'll secretly be interrogating you

to find out what you know
about them. Ha-ha! Oh no.

- [Dylan] What?

- [Sarge] I, uh, I realize now

that I've just spilled all my brain beans.

Oh, damn, you're good!

- [Dylan] Please, if you could
just...tell me your name?

- [Sarge] I underestimated you.

The student has become the
teacher. Touché. (howling)

- [Dylan] Just cut, Jax.

- [Temple] Tucker! Thanks for coming in!

- [Tucker] No problem-o. What's shakin'?

- [Temple] This feels a little awkward,

but I-I wanted to express my gratitude

and admiration for you,

and your amazing performance
back at the gulch.

- [Tucker] Temple, we just
met, so I should let you know

that flattery isn't going
to get you anywhere.

You can't butter me up! But do go on.

- [Temple] That was the coolest
thing I've ever seen, man!

You fight like a freelancer!

It was like I bore witness
to a bright star of hope,

shone through the clouds

amidst a dark and terrible whirlpool!

- [Tucker] I don't think I've
been called a star before,

but, if the shoe fits.

- [Temple] This fight has
felt so hopeless for us.

What we're going up against,

I mean we're just a bunch of dumb rejects

hurling ourselves against impossible odds.

You give us...you gave
me, a real sense of hope.

- [Tucker] Well, it's not the first time

I've helped a bunch of
hopeless people in need.

I'm just doing what I do
best. Well, second best,

if you know what I mean.

- [Temple] (laughs) Oh,
you know I do. Sex, right?

Yeah, uh, the other thing
I-I wanted to bring up is

perhaps a bit more sensitive,
uh, it's about that reporter.

- [Tucker] Dylan? There's
nothing between us.

- [Temple] What do you
really know about her?

- [Tucker] Mmm, not much. She
kinda helped out a little bit.

- [Temple] Yeah I just
worry about her agenda.

I mean, those journalist types,

they don't give a shit about real people.

They just care about selling their stories

and getting their book deals

and leaving us plebs to our fate.

We're kinda like lab rats to them!

- [Tucker] That seems kinda extreme.

- [Temple] I guess, I dunno!

Maybe you're right.

She did warn you about that
bounty hunter though, right?

- [Tucker] She...huh, she
knew about him, didn't she?

She said so at your gulch!

- [Temple] I'm only saying something

because I've been used enough
times in my life already.

- [Tucker] Yeah, I know that song.

Man, she probably led that
asshole straight to me!

- [Temple] Woah! Dick move!

- [Caboose] Hey Tucker!

- [Loco] Hey Tucker!

- [Tucker] This "glitch
in the matrix" shit

is gonna give me a migraine.

Oh, they've got a bizarro Doc too, huh?

What's your ripoff name? Brock? Schmock?

- [Purple Medic] Oh hey, Tucker!
It's me, Doc! You know me!

- [Tucker] Whoa! Doc Doc?
The hell are you doing here?

- [Doc] Just hangin' out
with the Blues and Reds.

These guys are my homies! Wassup?

- [Tucker] You know them?

- [Doc] Yeah!

I was just telling Simmons and Donut

and your reporter friend

that I've known these guys for years!

- [Simmons] Don't you find
it weird that they're like,

I dunno, bootleg versions of us?

- [Doc] (laughing) That's hilarious.

Yeah, no, it's actually vice versa!

Like, they're the originals,
and you're the crappy copy.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Doc] Yeah, yeah.

They're the real McCoys, and
you are the non-McCoy fake.

Uh...they're like iPods
and you are like Zunes.

- [Tucker] We were first!

- [Doc] No way, man.

Their gulch was, like, way before yours.

That's why they're the Fruit Loops,

and you are just the
generic brand sugar rings.

- [Donut] They're a Gucci bag.

And we're a Gucci bag you
buy from a street vendor

with vastly inferior stitching.

- [Tucker] Donut, don't help him.

And why do you have a purse?

- [Jax] They're all like, Spider-Man,

and you guys are like, Turkish Spider-Man.

- [Doc] They're the Ding
Dongs, and you are a dildo.

- [Tucker] I don't care
who's David Lee Roth,

and who's Sammy Hagar.

It's still fucking weird that
there are two of everyone,

and I'm still hot for teacher.

- [Dylan] I've been able to corroborate

certain aspects of their story.

In my investigation on Sidewinder,

I found records of another
gulch of Reds and Blues.

This gulch was tagged as a "prototype"

but I don't know what for.

- [Tucker] You found
that on Sidewinder, huh?

That's where you met up
with that bounty hunter.

- [Dylan] Well, yeah. We crossed paths.

- [Tucker] Did your path
have a sign that said,

"Follow me to Lavernius Tucker!"

- [Dylan] Whoa, take it easy.
I had nothing to do with that.

- [Tucker] Yeah fucking right.
I bet that made great TV.

- [Jax] Ha! You're damn right it did!

Oh, I just wish I had a
jib for that big "No!"

Maybe we could schedule some re-shoots?

- [Dylan] Jax!

- [Tucker] Nice! Super
awesome of you guys!

That was sarcastic. C'mon,
let's get out of here, Simmons.

- [Gene] I'm not Simmons,
I'm Gene! He's Simmons!

- [Tucker] Are you sure?

- [Simmons] Tucker, come on
man, you've known me for years!

- [Gene] Yeah, I just came
over to say the Blues and Reds

are moving out on an errand,

but you all should make yourselves
at home while we're gone.

- [Dylan] What errand?

- [Gene] Our cloaking device is failing.

We need to pick up some parts
from an unmanned mining rig.

- [Tucker] And lemme guess.

You need the help of your
"Shining Star of Hope."

- [Gene] Oh, that'd be excellent!

Sarge is already one of us after all.

I mean, he's joined us. I
mean, he's coming along!

- [Tucker] Well, count
the rest of us in, too.

- [Dylan] Well I think
it's a great idea. I can--

- [Tucker] Not you, us. Let's go, Simmons.

- [Gene] I'm--

- [Tucker] Don't care. Just
help me with my dramatic exit.

- [Temple] Now let's
try to make this quick.

We need some electronics
to fix our cloaking device.

This rig is fully automated,

so we don't expect to encounter

any forms of enemy resistance.

- [Simmons] Hey, what's with your visors?

- [Temple] Ah, uh, I have
ordered my men to switch to blue

to avoid confusion.

Uh, Caboose and Loco are
having some trouble with that.

- [Simmons] Yeah, they
weren't the only ones.

- [Caboose] Yup, I'm just saying

it's getting a little hard to follow.

- [Tucker] Wrong side, Caboose.

- [Caboose] I think he's talking to you.

(yelling) Why are you all blue?

- [Lorenzo] Dobbiamo collaborare un tirare

un Westworld su questi carramorse.

- [Temple] To business.

Gene has uploaded Loco's
requests into your HUD.

Now let's break up and see
what we can scrounge around.

This could also be a chance

for us to get to know each other!

- [Gene] I suggest we
break into groups of two

to maximize efficiency!

- [Simmons] I suggest we start
a counter-clockwise search

pattern from the top of the base down.

- [Gene] That's a great idea!

I was just about to suggest it.

- [Simmons] Mm-hmm... Hey,
Tucker, you wanna partner up?

- [Tucker] Whatever.

- [Simmons] Great! Let's go.

- [Sarge] Interesting!

I always say a marine without a code

is like a car without a road.

- [Surge] Fascinating!

I always say the best defense
is a really tall fence.

- [Sarge] Ya don't say?

I always say a good soldier
is like a rollin' boulder.

- [Surge] Well, I'll be!

I always say a mantra a
day keeps death at bay!

- [Sarge] Hotdog!

I always say the only
good Grif is a dead Grif.

- [Surge] What's a Grif?

- [Sarge] Oh, yeah! You don't
have an orange one, do ya?

Consider yourselves lucky.

You're better off without any
annoying orange in your life.

- [Surge] Hmm...

- [Sarge] So...how do ya feel
about...strawberry Yoo-Hoo?

- [Tucker] Really? But
you guys are like twins.

- [Simmons] We are not. I'm
nothing like that Gene guy.

He's so much of a busybody,
nerdy, goody-two-shoes.

- [Tucker] Yeah man, you
just described yourself.

- [Simmons] Oh, don't-do-just shut up!

- [Tucker] Well how would you
describe yourself, Simmons?

- [Simmons] Not like him, ugh.

His voice is so annoying!

"Scientifically speaking, I
think we should split into pairs

and maximize efficiency." I
don't sound anything like that!

- [Tucker] Mmm-hmm.

- [Tucker] Yeesh,

I can't even imagine what
those idiots are talking about.

- [Donut] How do I possibly choose?

Both are big and thick,
and fill me to my navel!

But probably Dostoevsky.

I find resonance in his
perspective that a person is never

simply the product of
external forces, and--

- [Cronut] We can debate causality

until we're both stiff in the earth.

But it won't change the fact that Tolstoy

was the more endowed!

- [Donut] An endowed vision
of the bourgeois. Mundane!

Flaccid! And frankly, overrated!

- [Cronut] You are shafting my man, Donut!

However, I must say I do
appreciate the discourse.

I've grown soft around these
uncultured philistines.

- [Donut] We must use our mouths...

until the things that are hard...

turn to putty in our hands.

- [Cronut] Ah, Émile
Zola! You are well read!

- [ Donut] Well,

I certainly didn't just
blow my wad on the Russians!

(clattering)

- [Loco] All these gifts!
It's like Christmas!

- [Caboose] Only with less
eggnog and fruitcake! Bleh!

- [Loco] Not the same without
Santa being here! Bleh!

- [Temple] Great! Is
that everything you need?

- [Loco] Oh yeah! Got all
sorts of awesome stuff in here!

I can fix our vortex capacitor

and have enough
multi-casting shifter coils

to de-ionize support shields for sure!

- [Caboose] Uh... what?

- [Tucker] Did you get
any of that, Simmons?

- [Simmons] I understand Lopez

better than I understood that.

- [Temple] Loco's got a... bit of a knack.

If he says he's got it, he's got it.

- [Sarge] Mad scientist, huh?

- [Simmons] Technically,
he'd be a mad engineer.

- [Gene] Unless he goes
around testing hypotheses

all day long!

- [Tucker] Goddamn!

I can't believe I have to
hear this shit in stereo now.

- [Temple] Ya know, I was thinking.

It's great that you're all safe,

but maybe we should try
to get a word of warning

to your Freelancers as
well. Where are they?

- [Tucker] Knowing them,
they're probably in the middle

of some spectacular acrobatic fight scene!

Kicking, and punching, and
flying through the air.

Awesome music playing. Man,
I can just picture it now.

- [Carolina] Well, this
isn't completely horrible.

- [Washington] No, it is not.

- [Washington] Hello? Carolina?

- [Carolina] Sorry, must
have spaced out. Any luck?

- [Washington] No sign of Agent Illinois.

This is definitely his place though.

- [Carolina] How can you tell?

- [Washington] Really takes you back, huh?

- [Carolina] Sure does

- [Washington] You two look cozy.

- [Carolina] Pretty sure
I hit him for doing that.

- [Washington] Seems like
our friend left in a hurry.

The only thing missing from
the place is his armor.

- [Carolina] But where did he go?

- [Washington] No note. Your
guess is as good as mine.

Good call on finding him here though.

- [Carolina] What do you
remember about Agent Illinois?

- [Washington] Demolitions expert.

He wasn't top tier, but he was
a crack-shot with a rifle--

- [Carolina] I mean out of the armor.

- [Washington] Oh, uh...I never knew him.

- [Carolina] Illinois
was always... different.

He wasn't ambitious or
competitive like the rest of us.

He didn't fight for an A.I.
or screw over his friends

to get placed higher in the rankings.

Instead, he was doing a job
and dreaming of the life after.

Of an island chain that stretched
around an entire planet.

A shack by the water, with
a bar full of spiced rum,

and a tiny red sailboat.

He did it.

- [Washington] I didn't
realize you two were close.

- [Carolina] We weren't.

He and York were drinking buddies though.

I heard all about it hanging out with him.

- [Washington] Uh, York, huh?

This must... reopen some
old wounds. I-I'm sorry.

- [Carolina] Sometimes,

I think York was my
chance at a fresh start.

I threw it down an elevator shaft.

- [Washington] You're
being too hard on yourself.

You've changed over the
years, I've seen it myself.

- [Carolina] I've grown

from being a dishonorable killing machine

to an honorable killing machine.
That's quite the journey.

- [Washington] Well...

it's never too late to start over again.

- [Carolina] Do you really
believe that, David?

- [Washington] Well,

I don't know if rock singer
is really in your future...

but yeah.

- [Carolina] It was fun to
watch them squirm though,

wasn't it?

- [Washington] I changed
my mind, you are evil.

- [Carolina] This is all
I have left from York.

From Freelancer. Just this and my armor.

- [Washington] You don't have to do that.

- [Carolina] What about starting over?

- [Washington] I mean, you
don't have to destroy the past

to have a future.

- [Washington] Take off your suit.

- [Carolina] What!?

- [Washington] I got an idea. Take it off.

- [Carolina] Okay, uh,
that's a little forward.

- [Washington] No, eh,
no... not like that.

The recovery beacons. That's the key.

- [Carolina] Excuse me?

- [Washington] Every suit that belonged

to Project Freelancer was special.

They all had recovery beacons in them,

so agents could be located if
they were ever in distress.

Personally, I didn't like
the idea of walking around

with an active tracking device.

- [Carolina] So you turned
ours off, I remember!

- [Washington] Well, maybe
that's why we're still around.

Whoever's been tracking
down the Freelancers

has a way of following the beacons.

- [Carolina] So we turn ours back on

and lure the hunters here?

- [Washington] Unless
you have a better idea.

- [Carolina] Can't say that I do.

- [Washington] So?

- [Carolina] Are you going to turn around?

- [Washington] Ah! Yes, sorry.

- [Washington] Oh man, you
are not going to believe this.

- [Carolina] Mercenaries?

- [Washington] Nope.

- [Carolina] Space pirates?

- [Washington] Dumber.

- [Carolina] Don't tell
me, the Reds and Blues?

- [Washington] It's twice as bad as that.

Let me guess, Sarge built
robot versions of everyone.

- [Tucker] Guess again.

- [Washington] I'd really rather not.

- [Tucker] Fine. Wash, Carolina.

Meet Temple, Surge, Loco,
uh, Robo Spaghettio,

Bucket.

- [Buckey] Buckey!

- [Tucker] Whatever! And Donut 2.0.

- [Temple] Washington, Carolina.

It's an honor to meet you both.

- [Washington] What. The. Heck?

- [Carolina] Could you explain
why there's two of everyone?

- [Tucker] They're from another gulch.

That's why they look like us.

Look, the whole story
is long and complicated

and we need to get out of here ASAP.

You really fucked up
activating your beacon.

That's how they're tracking us down.

- [Washington] We were counting on it!

We're luring them here.

- [Tucker] Well, lucky for
you, we can do the same thing.

- [Carolina] Yeah. Lucky.

- [Washington] From our perspective,

we set a trap and you all fell in it.

- [Temple] Well, your trap
wouldn't have worked anyway.

The UNSC has a nasty habit
of nuking from orbit first,

asking questions later.

- [Carolina] The UNSC?

- [Tucker] Oh, big surprise.

You guy's haven't figured
out what's going on yet.

Score another for Team Tucker.

- [Carolina] You have? And Church?

- [Tucker] He's alive.

- [Temple] If you come with
us, we'll explain everything.

- [Carolina] That's...quite a story.

- [Tucker] Temple only left out the part

where Sarge fell in love with himself

and Simmons realized he can't
stand his own reflection.

- [Carolina] What about the
reporter. Did she leave?

- [Simmons] No, she's
around here somewhere.

- [Sarge] We've been keeping her in a

"don't need to know" basis.

Can't trust the press these days.

- [Carolina] Why not?

She seemed perfectly trustworthy to me.

- [Tucker] Well, we don't, like,

know what her agenda and stuff is.

- [Carolina] But Tucker, she
can get the real story out.

She publicizes this
insane plot by the UNSC

to kill the ex-agents--

- [Temple] And sim-troopers!
We're people, too.

- [Carolina] If she can get
the story out, it's game over.

- [Temple] There's no
easy way out of this.

This ends with us taking
the fight to those

that would see us all dead.
This ends in violence.

- [Carolina] What if it didn't have to?

- [Temple] They killed your friends.

- [Tucker] They have Church!

- [Carolina] And they need
to be brought to justice,

but what if for once,
it was in a courtroom

or a court martial and not at
the end of somebody's knife?

- [Tucker] Are you feeling alright?

- [Temple] Our adversaries
are too powerful!

If we come at them now
with just accusations,

they're going to turtle
up and ride it out.

They're looking for us.

They're poking their
head out of their shell

and I aim to chop it the fuck off!

- [Tucker] O-oh yeah, boy!

- [Temple] Anyway, we're
getting ahead of ourselves.

Strategizing can wait
until breakfast, at least.

- [Simmons] And breakfast is?

- [Temple] Fish.

(disgusted groaning)

Sorry.

- [Tucker] Man,

I'm gonna puke if I eat
one more fucking fish.

- [Temple] Hey!

It's not like there's any cows or chickens

swimming around our
underwater lair, uh, base.

Anyways, how about I give
our guests the grand tour?

Just through here, sorry about the mess.

- [Washington] You
wanted to show us, what?

- [Temple] Uh, we've
just gathered some relics

from Project Freelancer.

I thought you both would
appreciate the collection.

Oh, lemme get the lights.

Recognize anyone?

- [Washington] Oh man,

that's Agent Arizona's armor, isn't it?

- [Carolina] And
Maryland's. There's Alaska.

- [Washington] Uh, I think you
need to check your plumbing.

That smell...

- [Carolina] That's... not... sewage.

I don't think these are
just suits of armor...

- [Washington] What...? That's...

- [Carolina] You!

- [Temple] Guilty.

- [Carolina] What did you do to them?!

- [Temple] I killed
them. I. Murdered. Them.

I set my vengeance free upon
them and it felt so-ho-ho good!

But not as half as good as this feels.

- [Washington] Well, if
its a fight you want...

- [Carolina] Then I think we can oblige.

- [Temple] (laughing) I could
never best you in a fight.

And anyway,

don't they say that revenge is
a dish best served... frozen?

(grunting)

My greatest fear is that
you would know me, Carolina.

That you'd recognize my voice
and the game would be up.

- [Washington] Carolina. I can't...

- [Carolina] I... can't
move... either. I'm locked!

- [Temple] Ah, the armor-lock technology

was salvaged from Project Freelancer.

Fate is not without irony, and the past,

is not without its just dessert.

- [Washington] That yarn about the UNSC,

they're not really killing Freelancers.

- [Temple] Of course not! I am!

- [Carolina] Why?!

- [Temple] Because of what you did to us.

For what she did most of all.

The record, for staying
alive in this room,

locked in your armor, is
eight days, and eleven hours.

I know you've always
been the most competitive

of the Freelancers, Agent Carolina.

So, do try to do better for me.

- [Washington] The Reds and
Blues... will come looking ...

- [Temple] The Reds and Blues will be dead

before they even miss you.
So long, Agent Washington.

- [Carolina] No!

- [Temple] So long, Carolina.

(door closes)

- [Dylan] You know the story of Jonah?

- [Jax] Mm, it does ring a bell.

Was that on the Blacklist?

- [Dylan] The Bible, actually.

Jonah was swallowed whole by a whale.

- [Jax] Belly of the beast, huh?

Sounds like this "Bible"
ripped off "Aliens."

- [Dylan] I feel a bit
like Jonah right now.

But this whale has secrets.

I dunno about you but I am
sick of being sidelined.

- [Jax] Ooh! Are we gonna
do some snooping around?

- [Dylan] No, I'm gonna
do some snooping around.

- [Jax] Oh, come on, I could totally help!

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm pretty good at
randomly bumping into things

that move the plot forwards?

- [Dylan] You have a more
important job this time.

I need you to distract
someone while I look around.

I think the Blues and Reds
have Sarge spying on us.

- [Sarge] Nuh-uh!

I mean, uh, I was just walkin' by!

I didn't hear you say exactly
what you said just now!

See ya later ! Bye! Gotta go! Woo!

- [Jax] I think you may be onto something.

Hey, there... Mr. Sarge.

(grunting)

Sarge, have you ever considered
a life in show business?

- [Sarge] Ha! That's ridiculous.

Show biz is a young man's game.

And I was an old man when
your old man was a young man,

young man.

- [Jax] Well, not necessarily.

Some people do get into
it late, eh, later.

- [Sarge] Well, despite my chiseled frame

and iconic eyebrows. I am a
soldier! Not a movie star!

- [Jax] Ya know, you
remind me of R. Lee Ermey.

He was a marine. A real one like you.

He was consulting on "Fullmetal Jacket"

and he was so good that Kubrick
cast him in the actual film

right then and there!

- [Sarge] Really? Well,
ain't that a wing dinger!

- [Jax] I happen to be writing
a military drama myself.

But if you're not interested,

I can check with Surge.

Apparently he studied at Julliard.

- [Sarge] Halt!

Now, don't you go puttin'
words in my mouth!

I didn't say I wasn't interested.

Now what exactly did you
say this movie is about?

- [Jax] It's a military court drama

about a drill sergeant
who has to defend himself

in court after an accident during a drill

gets his whole squad killed.

- [Sarge] Sounds fantastic!

I've long fantasized about Grif

dying horribly during
routine training exercises.

When can I see the script?

- [Jax] "Script"?

Of course.

I-I mean once you have the
part of course, of course.

There's an audition first.

It's like a, uh, screen test.

You know, screen test.
Audition test. Screen test.

Skits-you-see
-in-front-of-the-camera test.

- [Sarge] Alright, alright
! I'll give it a shot!

Personally, I've always
seen myself playing

the thirty-something CEO of
some exciting internet startup.

- [Jax] Yeah...I think that's
gonna be a bit of a stretch.

Why don't we stick to what you know?

- [Sarge] Lights...Camera...Sarge!

- [Temple] Excuses! I'm sick of them!

So sick of them I could puke!

- [Loco] I know. I'm
sorry. I just-I-I'm trying!

- [Temple] Try harder,
fuckface! When will it be done?

- [Loco] You know, soon.
Soon! Ugh, yeah soon. Soon.

Probably. Probably! Hello!

- [Temple] "Probably!
Probably!" What the fuck, Loco!?

I've given you everything
you've asked for.

You said it would be ready months ago!

- [Loco] Well... The quantum
capacitors are working.

The flux matrix is inverting
the matter's states

but I still can't get
the neutron dispenser

to polarize the anti-matter
and I'm out of AA batteries.

- [Temple] (stutters) Stop!

I can't stand the fucking techno-babble!

- [Loco] But it--

- [Temple] Why couldn't you just build me

a huge freaking bomb like I asked!?

- [Loco] This is going
to be so much better!.

It's gonna be perfect. It's
gonna be big and beautiful

and you're going to love it!

And we're going to be best friends!

- [Temple] And It's going
to be finished soon.

Or you are. Got it?

(can clattering)

- [Loco] It'll be finished by the--

- [Temple] Shh!

- [Loco] Gasp! It's you!

Oh you're in trouble now!
Should I arrest him, boss?

- [Dylan] I'm telling you,
Tucker, I know what I heard.

That's definitely not a cloaking device.

- [Tucker] Well then what is it?

- [Dylan] I don't know!

But it most definitely shows

that they're not being honest with us.

- [Tucker] Maybe they just
don't trust the press.

I can't blame 'em there.

- [Dylan] I'm not some
reality TV producer, okay?

I promise I didn't lead
that bounty hunter to you.

Can we please bury the hatchet

and just focus on what's important?

- [Tucker] They haven't
given me one single reason

not to trust them, Dylan.

- [Dylan] Then explain why
they're keeping us in the dark

about what's going on?

- [Tucker] They're not!

Look, they left me in charge

of planning the campaign against the UNSC!

- [Dylan] That's a video game.

- [Tucker] What!? No!
It's a tactics simulator.

Look, advanced military stuff.

- [Dylan] That's a video game, Tucker.

- [Tucker] Huh.

Well, I guess that explains
the micro-transactions.

- [Dylan] They're distracting you!

Where are Carolina and Wash?

I heard they'd joined up with us.

- [Tucker] They're out gettin' some grub.

- [Dylan] She told you that?
- [Tucker] Temple did.

- [Dylan] You're seriously gonna tell me

nothing about this place
smells fishy to you?

- [Tucker] Of course it smells fishy.

- [Dylan] Figuratively,
Tucker! Figuratively fishy!

Almost all the doors
around here are locked.

I can't find a single
computer that's networked.

If they were really being so
open, why all the secrecy?

- [Tucker] I wouldn't want
a bunch of random people

running around my house either!

They might steal shit! Or
walk into my masturbatorium!

- [Dylan] Ugh. What if
it's more than that?

What if there's stuff
they don't want us to see?

Ya know, I don't need your help.

I just thought you should know.

- [Tucker] Temple's office.

- [Dylan] What about it?

- [Tucker] He has a networked
computer. I've seen it.

- [Dylan] Bingo.

- [Tucker] Let me know
what you find, alright?

- [Dylan] Of course.

- [Jax] Okay, are we ready?

Sarge, did you choose a monologue?

- [Sarge] Of course I'm
nervous! I mean, ready!

I mean, course I'm ready.

- [Jax] Alright-y then,
I will get in position.

- [Sarge] Wonder what
he meant by "choose"?

Remember, Reds.

No bastard ever won a war
by dying for his country!

He won the war,

by making the Blue bastard
die for his country!

Now...

should we win today, the 4th of July

will no longer be known
as an American holiday,

but as the day the world stood
up, in one voice, and said,

"You may take our lives, but
you'll never take our...truth!"

"You want the truth? You
can't handle the truth!"

Second place: set of steak knives.

Third place: martini...shaken,
not stirred."

- [Jax] Good...that was...great take, um--

- [Sarge] "He's dead, Jim!

You're a wizard, Harry!

Feel lucky, punk?

Say what again!

Over the line!

Hasta la vista!

A great big bushy beard!

This. Is. My boomstick!

How am I doin'?

- [Jax] I think we're losing the thread--

- [Sarge] Cancel the Post!

"City Slickers!"
"Predator!" "Lazer Team 2!"

- [Jax] Those are just titles, Sarge.

And I'm pretty sure you
made that last one up.

- [Sarge] (chuckles) Right.
So, did I get the part?

- [Jax] Why don't we try some improv?

- [Temple] I have a better idea.

Where's the reporter?

- [Sarge] In her quarters, Sir!

- [Temple] Wrong. They're empty.

You. Shutterbug. Tell me where she is.

- [Jax] Have you gentlemen ever considered

a life in show business?

I-I-I don't know, I swear!

(sighs)

- [Dylan] V.I.C.?...V.I.C.?
Goddammit, V.I.C..

- [V.I.C] Yo yo yo yo? V-I-C-K,
what is up, chica mosfina?

- [Dylan] Quiet. I need help.

- [V.I.C.] Ho ho. Well. Your
wish is my command, duderino!

This genie is poppin' off
the bottle and ready to roll!

Watchya need?

- [Dylan] Access to this
computer. Can you hack in?

- [V.I.C.] Donezo!

Wait! Little reminder, dudette.

You've got three little wishes

before you've got to
control alt delete me!

Off the face of reality!
That was the deal.

- [Dylan] Yeah yeah, I haven't forgotten.

- [V.I.C.] Yeah! And
this is wish number...

Uh, wish number...

Seems I've got a little
gap in the memory circuits.

A little, uh, erase-a in the cabeza.

Uh, this is wish number...

- [Dylan] Wish number two.

- [V.I.C.] Right! Ha-ha!
This is wish number dos!

You promised, duderino!

I don't wanna stand up my date with death.

We're takin' the River Styx to Disneyland!

I'm doin' shots with Anubis, dude!

I'm playin' Twister with the Reaper!

- [Dylan] Keep your voice down!

Do you have a silent mode or something?

That works.

Knock it off. Are you in?

Have you found anything?

What is it?

What does that mean?

- [Church] This is Church... alpha...

- [Dylan] Oh, my God...

- [Temple] Dylan.

- [Dylan] Oh no.

- [Temple] Why am I not surprised?

- [Church] Send help...

- [Temple] I think it's about
time we had a little chat.

- [Gene] Sir! They're making another push!

- [Surge] So?! Shoot back!
Victory is close at hand!

Their flag must be around here somewhere.

- [Gene] But we're completely--

- [Surge] "But" nothin'!

A soldier follows orders no matter what!

You do what I tell you, son.

- [Gene] Yes, sir!

(guns firing)

Return fire, Cronut.

- [Cronut] With what? We're out of ammo.

I'm shootin' blanks over here.

- [Gene] In that case, we're
gonna have to resort to plan B.

You suck! You're... bad at math!

- [Cronut] You have table manners

that leave much to be desired!

- [Gene] You smell like

maybe you forgot to wear deodorant today!

- [Cronut] Your mother's
lasagna is mediocre!

- [Bucky] They're attempting
to insult us, sir.

- [Temple] Yeah, I fuckin' noticed.

This oughta shut them up.

(gun firing)

- [Bucky] Ooh! My turn! Let me try!

- [Temple] Not happening, dude.

- [Bucky] Oh, come on!

How come you always get the sniper rifle?

- [Temple] Because you're
busy getting the prisoner.

Also because go fuck yourself.

(Italian music playing)

- [Gene] Mama mia! They got Lorenzo!

- [Lorenzo] Questa non è
la mia Domenica perfetta.

- [Temple] That's right!
We got your fuckin' robot!

Now give us back our base
or we smash the Goomba!

- [Gene] Whoa-ho, dude!
That is super racist!

- [Temple] No it isn't!

- [Bucky] It's... pretty racist, dude.

- [Temple] No, a Goomba! Like, in Mario!

- [Lorenzo] E 'ancora razzista.

- [Temple] Whatever!

Everyone, shut up

or we're all gonna find
out what kind of filling

is inside this canoli!

- [Bucky] Ugh... Not better.

- [Gene] Oh no, what're we
gonna do?! Ideas! Anybody?

- [Biff] Ooh... I've got one.

If you guys had to get shot
somewhere in your body,

where would you do it?

- [Gene] Not now, Biff!
We're in the middle of a war!

- [Biff] It's a legit question, dudes.

- [Cronut] How 'bout the pinky toe?

That little piggy's
had it comin' for ages.

- [Biff] Are you crazy?

All the nerves in your whole
body end in your toes, idiot.

I wanna take a bullet, not feel pain.

- [Surge] The Blue bastards
have hidden their flag

somethin' fierce!

- [Gene] Oh, and they have Lorenzo, Surge!

- [Surge] Blast!

We can't let them keep the robot.

I've hid all our top-secret
battle station plans

in that droid!

We'll have to hold out for
reinforcements. How's our ammo?

(hawk crying)

Listen up, you dirty Blue bastards!

Red team is graciously
and selflessly willing

to open negotiations.

Your base are belong to us.

Surrender now and we'll
spare your meaningless lives.

- [Temple] Christ, this song
again... Who's your negotiator?

- [Surge] (laughing) Me!

- [Temple] No deal!

Your last two parlays ended
with literal back-stabbing.

Send someone else.

- [Surge] How about Biff?

He's expendable if the talks break down.

- [Temple] Yeah, whatever.

- [Biff] The butt? Are you insane?

That's right next to
my jingo-jangos, okay?

Bullets splinter.

- [Temple] How 'bout the arm?

- [Biff] Arteries.

- [Temple] Ooh, the ear?

- [Biff] What?

Yeah, I can't hear you because
some idiot shot my ear off!

No way.

There's gotta be some part of
the body that's expendable.

- [Temple] You just need to
get shot in the appendix.

- [Biff] If only I was a book...

- [Surge] Biff! Biff! Stab-hay.
Him-lay. In the back. M'kay?

- [Temple] Was that
supposed to be Pig Latin?

- [Bucky] Can you hurry it up, Temple!?

Preferably before they
find my Masturbatorium!

- [Temple] Stop it, man.

- [Biff] Stop what?

- [Temple] You're staring at me.

- [Biff] Am not.

- [Temple] Are too! I
know what you're thinking.

- [Biff] No you don't.

- [Temple] This is all my fault.

- [Biff] I didn't. Look,
I didn't say a thing.

- [Temple] Well you're
right, okay? I'm guilty.

- [Biff] Whoa! Can we
talk about this later?

Alright? Everyone is staring at us.

- [Temple] Fine.

- [Biff] Uh... Trade
you... base for a robot.

- [Temple] Yeah, dude.

It was the same damn shit
with the same damn idiots.

They get a thing, we steal the thing.

We get a tank, they blow it up.

It was like livin' in a...
fuckin' "Loony Toons" cartoon.

We didn't know it yet... but
all that was about to change.

- [Loco] Halt!

Who goes there?

- [Temple] Uh, It's me! Goin' on patrol.

- [Loco] No. You're talking
to your best friend!

- [Temple] W-What?

- [Loco] Me!

- [Temple] Oh r-right.
Yeah, of course I am.

Loco, why don't you get some sleep?

- [Loco] Heh, okay! (snoring)

- [Temple] Whatever.

- [Loco] Leave me alone, sky puppet.

- [Biff] Heads up.

- [Temple] Holy fuck! Where the
hell'd you get one of these?

- [Biff] Shore leave. Drink up,

(Surge impression) ya damn dirty Blue.

Hey, you remember Pearson's
class? History, freshman year?

- [Temple] Uh...

I remember someone drawing
dicks on my notebook

every time I went to the bathroom.

- [Biff] (laughs) Oh, and then
he did those notebook checks.

The look on your stupid face.

- [Temple] (laughing) Fuckin' asshole.

What're you bringin' that up for?

- [Biff] Georgina was in that class.

You know? That-That's where we met.

- [Temple] I remember,

it took you two years
to finally ask her out.

That was a fun day.

- [Biff] Fun. Right.

Yeah, you managed to unite
the entire fucking cafeteria

in a slow clap, you jackass.

- [Temple] (laughs) Oh...

We should've joined the
fucking Coast Guard.

- [Biff] Yup.

- [Temple] I bet the Coast
Guard doesn't divide its people

into teams

and have 'em, shoot at each other

with loaded assault rifles.
- [Biff] Oh, they actually do,

they just use harpoon guns instead.

- [Temple] What...?

- [Dylan] So, you two were
friends before the service.

You knew each other?

- [Temple] Yeah, that's
right. We grew up together.

We enlisted together.

"Buddy Team", they called it.

Freelancer overlooked that fact

when they assigned us to opposite teams

in the same canyon.

We found that fact out later.

- [Dylan] Was that at the Freelance--

- [Temple] This isn't an
interview, Dylan Andrews!

Shut the fuck up and listen!

The conversation inevitably
turned to the same place

it always did...

- [Biff] You ever wonder what
the fuck we're doing here?

- [Temple] Like, all the goddamn time!

The way I see it,

it's gotta be some
super-important government shit.

Some, like, critical testing stuff.

When we get out, there's
gonna be, medals, awards...

fuckin' parades for us, dude.

- [Biff] For you. Not
me, I'm getting out soon.

- [Temple] Yeah?

- [Biff] Yeah, medical discharge.

- [Temple] For real?

- [Biff] I'm not fuckin' with you.

- [Temple] This whole situation

is garbage enough to begin with,

but at least we're in it together.

- [Biff] We're in it against each other,

if you haven't noticed.

- [Temple] You know what I mean!

(chuckling) I would never do that to you.

(fire crackling)

- [Biff] Red Team had a
shore leave awhile back

and I snuck home back to Earth.

Went AWOL, stowed away on a transport.

- [Temple] For real?

- [Biff] Yeah, it wasn't easy
but I had to see Georgina.

- [Temple] Keepin' the old flame alive...

So, wait, she hasn't moved on?

- [Biff] No dude, it's,
super serious between us.

That's why I need to get back.

I don't wanna, say you owe me one, but...

- [Temple] Uh, yeah, yeah.

I'm the only reason you're fuckin' here.

Ya know, if I had frequent flyer miles

for every one of your guilt trips,

I could cover your entire
ride back to Earth.

- [Biff] So you're in?

- [Temple] Way I see it... it's
my job to shoot you anyway.

Hey, they might give me a medal for this.

- [Biff] That's the spirit! Alright.

So, brass tacks. My pinky finger.

I need you to shoot it off. Alright?

I've thought about it a lot and
that's gonna be my best bet.

- [Temple] Done.

I've been waiting to shoot
you since we were kids.

- [Biff] Ah, not now! We need witnesses.

Reports and shit, alright?

I'll need the pension when I get out.

- [Temple] I could shoot
you now for practice.

- [Biff] Oh, good idea.

- [Temple] I figure we
can try a bunch of places

and you can let me know
what hurts the least.

- [Biff] Brilliant.

- [Temple] Semi or full auto?

- [Biff] Riddle me with holes.

- [Temple] Thank god I brought
along those explosive rounds.

- [Biff] Hmm. What're friends for?

- [Temple] The plan was
simple: Biff gets hurt.

Gets a medical discharge.
First-class ticket back home.

But you know what they say...

"No plan survives first
contact with the enemy."

- [Director] At ease, Carolina.

You've performed well recently.

- [Carolina] I can do better.

Just give me another chance.

I promise you won't have to call in Te-

- [Director] We don't always
get what we want out of life.

However, in this instance,

I am prepared to oblige your request.

- [Carolina] Thank you, sir.
Ready for mission briefing.

- [Director] You will lead a
team of inexperienced soldiers

in a game of--

- [Carolina] A game!? Are you kidding?

- [Director] This isn't about the game.

It's about those you'll be working with.

In war, one is not always so fortunate as

to choose their allies.

It will also act as a field
test for several pieces

of prototype technology.

- [Carolina] With all due respect,

I doubt I'll ever be fighting a war

alongside Red and Blue idiots, sir.

- [Director] That is
your final interruption!

You will command your team
against another Agent's soldiers.

The game, if you're curious,
is my personal favorite:

Capture the Flag.

- [Carolina] Who's the other Agent?

- [Four-Seven-Niner] I'm
counting on you, Carolina.

- [Carolina] That so?

- [Four-Seven-Niner] Oh, hell yeah!

There's good action on this fight.

(chuckling) Even good
guy Wash put a bet down!

- [Carolina] What's my over-under?

- [Four-Seven-Niner] Four to one.

- [Carolina] Not too shabby.

- [Four-Seven-Niner] Ah. No,
that's four to one against.

No offense. That woman
is a killing machine!

You remember what she did
to York, Wyoming and Maine?

Don't worry though, I got your back.

- [Carolina] Thanks for
the vote of confidence.

- [Four-Seven-Niner] What can I say?

Always a sucker for Blue team.

- [Carolina] You what!?

- [Temple] We dug a hole in the ground,

and then we put the flag in the hole.

And then we covered the hole.
That last part was my idea.

- [Carolina] What possessed
you to do something so stupid?

- [Buckey] What's the
big deal? We done good!

- [Carolina] We need both flags
to win the game, you moron!

Where is it? Where did you bury it!?

- [Temple] Oh, we have no idea.

- [Carolina] What!?

- [Buckey] That's why we made a map.

- [Carolina] Where's the map?

- [Temple] Oh, we have no idea.

- [Carolina] You lost the map?

- [Buckey] It's more like we
just forgot where we put the map

- [Loco] It's okay! I made a new flag!

This one's even better!

I like to make things.

- [Temple] Hey, speaking of forgetting,

I don't remember ever calling
Command for a Freelancer.

- [Carolina] Stow it.
We're going loud in five.

- [Buckey] What do you
think she means by "loud"?

- [Temple] Well-done or medium?

- [Carolina] Stop yelling!

And it's not a steak, you
moron. It's a maneuver. You two!

- [Buckey] My name is--

- [Carolina] Don't fucking care!

Tweedledee and Tweedledum,
lay down suppressing fire!

- [Loco] I can't! I left
the matches back at base!

(gun firing)

- [Temple] Geez! Careful,
you're gonna hit someone!

- [Carolina] Shut up! You! Over there!

Are you with us or them?

- [Doc] Sorry, ma'am. I
am neither Red nor Blue.

I'm simply observing and
administering first aid to the ne--

- [Temple] Incoming!

- [Carolina] What is it?

- [Temple] Kinda looks
like a puma to me...

- [Temple and Buckey] Ow! Hey!

(Italian music playing on radio)

- [Lorenzo] Mi dispiace... mi hanno fatto.

- [Carolina] Let's try
one-syllable orders this time.

- [Blue Team] Charge!

- [Blue Team] Retreat!

- [Carolina] Oh, forget 'em!

(blows landing)

- [Biff] Oh, no, fuck this!

(bazooka firing)

(grunting)

- [Carolina] Well, if it
isn't the great state herself.

I was wondering where you were hiding.

(joints cracking)

Hand over the flag

and I promise I'll try not
to do any permanent damage.

- [Tex] Shut up and fight.

- [Carolina] Nice voice box, Optimus.

You get that in a Crackerjack box?

(blows landing)

- [Biff] Holy mother of
awesome. Look at them.

- [Buckey] Yo, Reds! Are
we still fighting or...?

Oh, holy shit.

- [Surge] Alright, men.

New plan: let those two
pummel each other to death.

- [Temple] The only thing
that would make this better

is some music.

- [Biff] Oh, I got it.

I just upgraded the base's sound system.

Okay, Shelly, play action mix.

(action music playing)

(grunting and blows landing)

- [Buckey] Too slow. Okay,
Shelly, play something faster!

(rock music playing)

- [Biff] Yeah, uh...
Personally not my taste.

- [Loco] I think it's neat!

- [Surge] Let's try somethin' old school.

Okay, Shelly, play some Springsteen!

(Bruce Springsteen plays)

(pained grunting)

- [Carolina] Will you
assholes knock it off!?

- [Loco] Okay, Shelly, shuffle!

"Chapter 14

Harry and his friends walked
through the crowded office

of their headmaster.

"But Professor," Harry said.

"That leaves four more
horcruxes left to find."

"Of course you're right,
Harry." Dumbledore said

with a gentle stroke of
his bushy white beard.

"But He-who-shall-not-be-named
will not know we're coming."

The scar on Harry's head begin to throb,

as if a hot iron was being
pressed against his forehead.

"It's him!" he said.
"It's happening again!""

- [Carolina] End of the line.

(grunting and blows landing)

- [Biff] Alright, this is it. You ready?

- [Temple] I-I dunno if this
is such a good idea, man!

- [Biff] C'mon, Mark, this is great.

We'll get those Freelancer
chicks to notice,

they'll put in their
report- It's the only way.

- [Temple] Dude, are you
sure? I-I'm a terrible shot.

- [Biff] Come on, dude, hurry!

- [Temple] I-I can't do it!

Look, you're just gonna
have to serve out your tour

like the rest of us.

- [Biff] (sighs) Mark, you
know how I said I saw Georgina

when I was on shore leave?

- [Temple] Yeah.

- [Biff] Well she's expecting, man!

- [Temple] Expecting what?

- [Biff] Biff Junior!

- [Temple] Aw, are you serious?

- [Biff] Yeah dude, that's
why I need to get out.

I'm gonna be a father and maybe a husband

if things go that way--

(screaming)

- [Temple] Jesus! Stop it!

- [Carolina] Get off my flag, bitch!

- [Tex] You want it so
bad? You can have it.

(Biff grunting)

- [Temple] No!

Medic!

Somebody help me!

- [Carolina] This isn't about you.

- [Tex] Game over.

- [Temple] Hold on, buddy...
They'll send help...

- [Biff] Going... home...

- [Counselor] Red team wins.
I am concerned, however.

- [Director] Her aggression.
Make a note of it.

- [Counselor] It's already done.

- [Director] Good.

Send in the retrieval team

and then pull the files on
those simulation troopers.

- [Counselor] Sir?

- [Director] Before today,

they were the only teams still
locked in total stalemate.

I want their team compositions noted

should we need to recreate
a similar scenario.

- [Counselor] Understood, sir.

- [Temple] The time has
come to kill the masters.

The Freelancers to start,

but that's not where this story ends.

- [Jax] Pretty good story, Temple.

Now, tell me,

how would you feel about
some constructive feedback?

- [Dylan] Jax, shut up!!

- [Jax] I mean, I'm just
gonna be honest with you.

This whole "pregnant
girlfriend/about to retire" thing

is about as cliche as it gets.

I mean, what if, instead,
he's your twin broth--

(gun fires and Jax Wilhelm screams)

- [Temple] Years later...

the orders stopped coming

and we left our gulch looking for answers.

We found them in an
abandoned Freelancer outpost.

We discovered records,

showing that the very military
we had enlisted in sold us

like slaves to Project Freelancer.

We were pawns in their game.

But the thing that I love about
chess, is that sometimes...

pawns kill kings.

- [Caboose] Yeah, so I was
in the middle of a story

and then our ship crashed

and Washington said we were marooned,

but everyone looked like
their normal colors to me,

so I think he probably
just had a concussion.

- [Loco] Whoa! This story is so awesome!

- [Caboose] Yeah, and
then I found Freckles.

Did you find any AA batteries?

- [Loco] I asked.
(chuckling) Sorry, no luck.

Then what happened on singing planet?

- [Caboose] Yeah, well, then
these pirates showed up.

- [Loco] Pirates!? No... way!

Did they have a lot of peg-legs?

- [Caboose] No, but one
had a shark for a face.

- [Loco] This is the best story
in the history of stories...

Why were the pirates there?

- Caboose] I'm pretty sure they were there

after Tucker's family jewels.

Cause, ya know,

he's always talking about
how valuable they are

and how everyone badly wants them.

So it makes sense.

- [Loco] They didn't
get them though, right?!

I hope there's a happy ending.

- [Caboose] Yeah, well this company

called "Shargon Infinity" showed up,

and made all of Freckles'
brothers and sisters like...

like super bitchy.

And then of course Church
had to die to save us all.

- [Loco] Your best friend died...?

- [Caboose] No, it's okay.
It happens all the time.

- [Loco] That-that-that-that
is the saddest ending ever.

- [Caboose] Yep,

that is why we are all
going to go rescue him.

- [Loco] Right. You should be
able to see your best friend.

Maybe I can help! Hmm... what
if I could show you a door?

- [Caboose] Ah, you want me to leave now.

- [Loco] No! I-it's not a
"door" door. It's a door!

Doors go to places, but, not all doors.

This would be a special door.

- [Caboose] Aah, so like a window.

- [Loco] Eh...

- [Caboose] But... with longer.

- [Loco] No, not really.

- [Caboose] Ah, so like a sunroof.

- [Loco] Eh... no.

- [Caboose] Aah! Yes, like a metaphor!

Only I can walk through it.

- [Loco] Kind of warm,

but that's not really what I had in mind.

- [Caboose] A metaphor for love!

- [Loco] No!

- [Caboose] That would
take me, through a journey!

Where I will learn a lesson!

- [Loco] Eh...colder.

- [Caboose] And there will be a payoff...

and everyone would love me!

- [Loco] Yes! That's
it! Except, not at all.

- [Caboose] (stuttering)
W-where would it...

Where... W-where would it go...?

- [Loco] Getting warmer...

It's not about "where".

See, once the quantum matrix synchronizes

with the nano-chrono-meters,

the entire wormhole
will resonate backwards.

Then, we just need trajectories.

- [Caboose] Aah, words.

Yes, you're pretty smart, aren't you?

- [Loco] Eh...I just,
kind of, imagine things,

and, build what I see.

- [Caboose] Ah, so you didn't
go to school for any of this?

- [Loco] No, actually, I
was raised by wolves...

in the forest.

Heh, they were much
more into homeschooling.

(drilling)

- [Sarge] Well...

that's a hard question you
asked there, my friend.

Don't rightly know what it
is I'm feeling at the moment.

I suppose... old.

- [Lopez] Realmente no
quiero escuchar esto.

- [Sarge] (chuckles) Well,

I know I still look like a
spring chicken, cluck-cluck.

(laughing) But I'm actually
more like a rooster...

who's lost his teeth.

I don't rightly know how
many more chances I have...

to go out in a heroic blaze of glory.

- [Lopez] Por favor alto.

- [Sarge] You don't need to remind me.

Sarge's war on gravity.
Sarge's war on whites!

It's all hogwash, Lopez,
hogwash I tell ya!

But I'm a soldier, and
soldiers need conflict,

orders, a chain of command.

Now these Blues and Reds come
along and offer me everything?

It's almost too good to be true.

- [Lopez] ¿Por qué no tomar golf?

¿O ganchillo?

¿O un segundo idioma?

(sighing)

- [Simmons] Yeah, you're right...

I thought I was looking
for someone like me, but...

now I don't know what to think.

Ya know, maybe friends are
like magnets after all.

I was so mad at him for so
long, but now I don't know.

I mostly feel... regret?

Like, is he MC Skat Kat
and I'm Paula Abdul?

- [Lopez] ¿Por qué, de todos los tiempos,

son idiotas eligiendo
hablar conmigo ahora?

- [Sarge] You know, Lopez.
That is a fantastic point!

An opportunity like this
is a rare thing indeed!

Like they say, don't go staring
a gift horse in the mouth.

Or a Trojan horse in the butt.

Hopeless odds, sneak
attacks, field promotions?!

This is a dream come true!

I know what I have to do, and that...

is to be a soldier, damn it! YOLO!

- [Lopez] ¿Por qué no
podría haber nacido Roomba?

- [Donut] How does it
make me feel? Well...

Sometimes I feel like people
barely acknowledge my presence.

I'm like a fabulous ghost.

- [Tucker] Yo, what the
fuck are you Reds doing?!

We scheduled a secret meeting,
and you're all taking naps?

- [Simmons] Well, Tucker,
maybe I was feeling...lazy?

- [Tucker] Are you... Are
you grif-ing me right now?

Is he grif-ing me right now?

- [Donut] Oh, now you wanna talk to me!?

- [Tucker] Okay, guys. Listen up.

Now, I don't want to alarm anyone,

but I've put a lot of thought
into our current situation

and I've come to the conclusion...

that something weird might
be going on around here.

- [Lopez] No mierda, Sherlock.

- [Doc] Really? I dunno.

Everything seems perfectly normal to me.

- [Tucker] If everything's normal,

then where the heck are Carolina and Wash?

- [Simmons] Huh...

Gene said they went out this
morning to buy shoelaces.

And there was a really long pause

before he finally said "shoelaces".

And we're wearing boots.

- [Tucker] That's suspicious.

- [Lopez] Brillante deduccion.

- [Simmons] Well, I definitely
don't trust that Gene guy.

Anyone who's acting that squeaky clean

must have some deep dark secrets.

- [Tucker] Dylan was the
only one looking into this,

and I haven't seen her since.

- [Donut] Oh, the reporter?
She's tied up in the basement!

- [Tucker] She's what?!

- [Donut] She's tied up.

I saw her while Cronut was
showing me his fur-suits.

- [Simmons] Wait, are you serious?!

Why the hell didn't you
say something sooner?!

- [Donut] I didn't know you cared.

See, Cronut's more of a fox,
while I'm naturally a wolf.

- [Tucker] Not the fur-suits,
Donut. The reporter!

- [Donut] Who knows what she's
into? I'm not a kink-shamer!

- [Doc] Don't worry about her.

Heard she and Jax are just
remaking "Pulp Fiction."

That's all.

- [Tucker] Hmm. What about you, Caboose?

You're spending all your time with Loco.

Any idea what the heck he's building?

- [Caboose] Uh-um, it's
a door, and a laser.

Ya know, sometimes he
starts explaining it,

but then he starts, he
starts, he starts laughing,

and keeps laughing, and...

( mimics evil laughter)

Ya know, it's a metaphor.

- [Tucker] That is, suspicious, as fuck.

- [Doc] But, guys--

- [Tucker] No!

That's the last straw. I
hate to even suggest this,

but it's time we found out

if the Blues and Reds
are actually, bad guys.

- [Simmons] But, how?

- [Tucker] Subtlety, my
dear Simmons. Subtlety.

- [Simmons] Not exactly
our specialty, is it?

- [Tucker] Watch and learn.

- [Tucker] Are you bad guys?

- [Temple] Well, that's all
a matter of perspective,

isn't it Tucker?

- [Tucker] Ha! Gotcha!

That's exactly the kind
of things bad guys say!

Oh, holy shit. You're
really bad guys, aren't you?

- [Temple] No. What we're
doing is right, Tucker.

I thought you would see that by now.

We are simply planning
revenge on those who used us.

Those who turned us into training dummies

for super soldier target practice!

- [Simmons] Project Freelancer.

- [Tucker] We already dealt with them,

if you didn't get the memo.

- [Temple] (laughs) No.
You're wrong about that.

Everyone in this room was drafted

or volunteered to fight for the UNSC.

They sold us to Project
Freelancer like cattle.

They used us, they destroyed our lives,

and they haven't been made
to pay for what they've done.

Don't you give a shit about that?!

- [Simmons] Meh... Water under the bridge.

- [Sarge] Men, don't you
see this for what it is?

It's an opportunity to fight
a war we can't possibly win!

It's everything we've always wanted!

- [Tucker] Is it a pair of
Scandinavian twin sisters

in a waterbed? Cause
otherwise, no it ain't.

- [Buckey] Boom chicka wah--

- [Tucker] Shut up! Listen, Temple.

You obviously love the
sound of your own voice,

so why don't you use it

to tell its where the
fuck our friends are?

- [Temple] You all have such an

interesting choice of
"friends", don't you?

Your Freelancer buddies are killers,

and we're dealing with them appropriately

for our own safety.

- [Tucker] Oh, you
backstabbing son of a bitch!

- [Temple] "Backstabbing"?
Take a look in the mirror!

Your teams were used and beat
up by Freelancers, same as us,

and you make friends with them!

Your teams were used and
sold by the UNSC, same as us,

and you posed for their fucking photo ops!

You're the traitors!

You're the villains,
you fucking cockbites!

- [Tucker] Shut the fuck up,
and prepare to eat sword!

- [Loco] Hey, why is everyone fighting?!

I thought we were friends!

- [Temple] Sorry, Tucker,
but I can't let you kill me.

I still have important business on Earth.

- [Tucker] Don't give a fuck.

I'm going to kill you so
hard...you'll wish you were dead.

(sparking)

- [Temple] Ah, Hold your fire.
Let's try the easy way first.

- [Sarge] Simmons, Lopez. For
the sake of their own safety,

I order you to take
the Blues under arrest.

- [Simmons] (stuttering) What?

- [Tucker] Stand your
ground. We saved Chorus.

We shut down Freelancer.

We can handle a handful
of sim-trooper clowns.

- [Temple] (laughs) You can't
win. We're stronger than you.

Just give in.

- [Tucker] Yeah. You and what army?

- [Temple] So glad you asked.

- [Surge] Reds assemble! Blues deploy!

(trumpet plays)

- [Grunts] Glory! Our day
of victory draws near!

Surrender now or face our holy vengeance!

- [Simmons] God damn it.
Every time we say that,

they always end up having an army!

- [Tucker] Son of a bitch.

- [Temple] As you can see

we haven't just been
tracking down Freelancers.

You know, your teams, ironically,

are the only Reds and Blues
left who have yet to join us.

You know, I truly did admire you all once,

so I'll offer you one final chance.

- [Tucker] The fuck are you doing, Doc?!

- [Doc] Give it up, Tucker.

- [Tucker] What?! Doc!
We've been through so much!

- [Doc] We sure have!

You guys used me as a
bargaining chip in Blood Gulch,

before you got bored and cast
me out to live in a cave!

Then you left me to the mercy of the Meta,

then you abandoned me in Valhalla,

then you didn't even notice

when I got sucked into
another dimension on Chorus,

and nearly lost my,

(coughs) sorry, something in my throat,

nearly lost my mind.

- [Simmons] No way, when did that happen?

- [Doc] My point exactly! You
guys treat me like a leper.

Just hoping some time in the brig

might teach you some manners.

- [Tucker] Fuck it. I
don't need any of you.

(gun cocks)

- [Simmons] Drop it, Tucker.

- [Tucker] Ah, goddammit. I
thought you were Simmons again.

- [Simmons] I am Simmons. Drop the gun.

(gun cocks)

- [Tucker] Caboose?! What the fuck?!

- [Caboose] Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this just something
we're not all doing now?

- [Red grunt] GG everybody, GG.

(somber music playing)

- [Tucker] You assholes
are un-fucking-believable!

- [Sarge] Quiet prisoner.

- [Tucker] We fought alongside
each other for fucking years.

How can you just turn your
backs on us like this?

- [Sarge] It's like Temple said.

You're turning your back on us!

We've got a war to win, Blue,

and until you're ready to play ball,

we're sticking you in the dugout!

Only this dugout's got steel bars,

and a toilet in plain view of everyone.

- [Simmons] Yeah-ha, that's right.

- [Tucker] You, Simmons.
You're the worst of all.

Didn't you hear a word in there?

- [Simmons] I only heard
my orders, you dirty Blue.

- [Sarge] Did I ever
tell you about the time

I got recruited to join the ODST?

- [Simmons] Psst.

- [Tucker] Psst yourself.

- [Simmons] No, psst, Tucker,

I'm still a good guy I'm just acting bad.

- [Tucker] Wait, really?

- [Simmons] Yeah dude, those
people are evil as fuck.

I figured our chance of
escape would be better

if I played along.

- [Tucker] Oh... Great idea.

- [Caboose] Oh yeah!

you're pretending you're the
bad guy until you give us...

the signal!

Simmons, you are so smart.

- [Sarge] Say what now?

- [Surge] What did he say?

- [Simmons] Ugh! Caboose!

- [Caboose] Is that the signal?

(elevator dings)

- [Simmons] Run!

- [Sarge] Where are you guys going?

The dugout's the other way!

- [Tucker] Quick, in here!

(door closes)

- [Tucker] Dammit, there's no lock!

(gun fires)

- [Caboose] Hooray, we are trapped!

- [Tucker] Fuck, dead end.

- [Simmons] Great idea ducking in here!

- [Tucker] We didn't
have a choice, asshole!

- [Sarge] Hey! I order you
idiots to open this door!

- [Simmons] You don't get to give orders

if you're on the bad guys' side!

- [Sarge] Damn. I didn't consider that.

- [Tucker] Ah, we're screwed!

- [Simmons] Let's just
think about this, Tucker.

There's gotta be something we can use.

- [Caboose] Gah.

Yeah, like if there was
only something that happened

to be behind all these torpedoes!

- [Simmons] Torpedoes?
Holy shit, torpedoes!

Long range, too. They must
be the base's defenses!

(sparking)

- [Lopez] Bueno, esto sente bien familiar.

- [Tucker] Oh great, so
we can blow up the place.

That doesn't exactly
improve our situation!

- [Simmons] We need to call for help.

- [Tucker] Who're we gonna
call? The fucking Ghostbusters?

- [Caboose] (gasp) That is a great idea!

Who are those people?

- [Simmons] Come on,
give me a hand, Tucker.

We need to write a note,

but I don't see anything to write on!

- [Caboose] Ooh! Send me.

- [Simmons] (sigh) You won't
fit! If we remove the warhead,

we'll only have about a
basketball's worth of space in here.

Ugh, we're screwed!

(clattering)

- [Sarge] Freeze!

(chuckles) That was the most
pathetic excuse for an escape

that I've ever seen! Simmons,
I expected better from you.

- [Surge] What the Sam Hill
did you do to your robot?

(torpedo firing)

- [Lopez] Mierda

(intense music playing)

(techno music playing)

("VelicoROCKtor" by Joe Nicolosi)

♪ We came to this planet
for some peace and quiet ♪

♪ No more mercenaries, villains,
or nefarious space-pirates ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ What's that ♪

♪ Over there ♪

♪ In the fields ♪

♪ It's a beast ♪

♪ Really tall ♪

♪ Sharp teeth ♪

♪ Long claws ♪

♪ Turns out, somehow, the
beasts could be controlled, ♪

♪ Caboose taught the dinosaurs
how to rock and roll ♪

♪ Caboose drum solo ♪

("Red vs. Blue Theme Song" playing)

♪ Roses are red ♪

♪ And violets are blue. ♪

♪ One day we'll cruise down ♪

♪ Blood Gulch avenue ♪

♪ It's red versus red ♪

♪ And blue versus blue ♪

♪ It's I against I ♪

♪ And me against you ♪

♪ Violets are blue, roses are red ♪

♪ Living like this we were already dead ♪