Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 17, Episode 1 - A Sitch in Time - full transcript
After the paradox destroys time, The Reds and Blues are forced to relive their pasts on loop while Genkins tries to create more paradoxes to help Chrovos escape her new confinement by Donut.
- This episode is brought to you by
"The Matrix Resurrections",
in theaters, and on
HBO Max, December 22nd.
- (scoffs) It's impossible
to dodge tennis balls
at this range!
(ball thuds)
- Huh, with that attitude.
Out of the way, Soldier!
I'll show you kids today how it's done.
(footsteps marching)
All right, give me your best shot!
(machine whirring)
(ball whooshing)
(uptempo electric music)
(metal clanking)
(balls whooshing)
(uptempo eclectic music continues)
(bones cracking)
Oh, no, I did it again!
My L4!
- Ooh!
- Gah!
- [Axel] Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!
- Don't look at him!
We're gonna need a medevac.
- Ooh!
(electronic whirring)
(intense dramatic music)
- [Donut] Private Donut
reporting for duty, sir!
Ready to fight some aliens!
- [Grif] A couple things here, rookie.
First off, Private Donut?
I think somebody needs a new nickname.
And secondly, what's with the armor color?
- [Donut] This is the standard issued red.
- There's only two types of people
who wear standard issue armor,
officers, and the....
- Really trustworthy and likable people?
- Hey, I'm the suck up around here!
Don't step on my territory!
- I'm sorry, sir!
It won't happen again!
- What did I just say?
- Hey, Grif, you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just...
I got the weirdest sense of déjà vu again.
Why does this keep happening?
- I've been getting it too.
Man, I bet the Blues never
have to put up with this.
- I didn't feel anything.
- [Grif] Nobody asked you!
- [Tucker] You know what?
Forget what I said before.
We can definitely pick
up chicks in this thing,
probably two or three-
- Probably two or three
chicks a piece.
Yes, your heterosexuality
has been noted, Tucker.
- Man, what's your deal, Church?
You've been acting like
a real asshole today.
- Yeah, well, can you remember a time
when I haven't been an asshole?
- Good point.
- See?
There you go!
Ya dummy!
- Sounds like good,
old-fashioned Church to me!
- Shut up, rookie!
You just got here.
And we don't need any suck ups,
like that maroon guy over on Red team.
- All right, sorry, sir.
- What did I just say?
- Both of you shut up!
Caboose, why don't you head inside,
and stand next to the flag?
We're expecting a general to visit today.
Make sure you give him whatever he wants.
- Oh...
- Just do it, Caboose!
- [Caboose] Yes, sir!
(footsteps departing)
- [Tucker] Hey, Church?
- For the love of...
What, Tucker?
- How'd you know the
rookie's name was Caboose?
- (laughs) What?
He said it like 10 times.
- But he's been here like five minutes.
(footsteps pattering)
(electronic whirring)
- Grandfather!
Knock, knock.
Oh, what a cock up!
That irksome toy!
And that idiot.
A hammer that makes presents.
(metal clanks)
(Genkins chuckles)
Ridiculous!
- [Chrovos] Genkins!
- Chrovos, there you are!
I never can spot you in here.
Could you please be larger?
- [Chrovos] Do you bring
good news from the past?
- (laughs) Nope!
Also, why am I doing this again?
We were meant to be done by now.
- [Chrovos] There was a complication.
If you want this over quickly,
then there's the door.
- Sorry, where?
- There!
There is the door!
(Genkins laughs)
- I'm sorry, are you
pointing at something?
- [Chrovos] Yes, I'm pointing to it.
- You're a ball!
How are you pointing to it?
Will you please take a
proper physical form?
- Oh, for crying out loud!
(electronic whirring)
There!
- That would get weird.
- This would get weird,
wouldn't it?
Fine!
Here.
(electronic whirring)
- You haven't seen many people
over the eons, have you?
That form is a bad idea,
and I'll show you why.
Say something.
Anything.
- I am Chrovos!
Ooh, oh, my god!
- Horrible!
I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
- This a disaster!
Oh, wait.
I've been meaning to try this one.
(electronic whirring)
There we are.
The shape of vengeance itself.
An hourglass figure. (sighs)
Too on the nose?
It's a time reference.
- Grandfather, I don't
even know where to start.
- So don't.
Why should you get all
the shape-shifting fun?
- What do we do with the Shisno?
And incidentally, who named them Shisno?
It's a derogatory term for human, right?
- The prophecy predicted
they would be human,
and the Fates are, I guess, racist?
Leave him to me.
He's just where I want him.
- On his back and unconscious?
- No!
(scoffs) Will you get back to work?
(dramatic instrumental music)
- [Donut] Oh, wow!
What happened?
- Oh, still alive?
Hmm.
(electronic whirring)
(Donut yells frighteningly)
(rapid gunshot firing)
(continues yelling)
- (pants heavily) I...
I don't-
- Oh, I love this.
Gods can't kill Shisno.
I was just releasing
some pent up aggression.
While you have that
fragment of Chrovos' power,
you're like the world's best stress ball!
- I'd prefer if I wasn't.
- Oh, just one more reason
I'm glad to have you!
I know I had my doubts
about credit where it's due.
From one relative of Chrovos
to another, well done.
- I don't understand.
- I'd love to stay and explain,
but (laughs) nope, that's a lie!
You're so boring!
Tootles!
(footsteps departing)
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut yells)
- Hey, just 'cause it
doesn't hurt physically
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt emotionally!
- [Chrovos] You struck me with a hammer.
- [Donut] (gasps) Chrovos?
- I resurrected you from my own essence.
Do you know what that hammer did?
- Did it give you a sex change?
- You owe a debt of pain too
large for one mortal life.
Your friends will pay dearly
for this, young Donut.
- Pay dearly, for what?
You got out, Chrovos!
You're
(gunshot blasting)
free?
(gasps) it worked!
You're not free!
In your face, you spooky freak!
I knew I could do it!
And technically, no one can disprove that!
I saved the...
The universe.
Ah, there's more to it, isn't there?
- Yes, Donut.
True, the hammer touched me,
binding me to this place,
but too late, your
friends broke time itself.
- (gasps) My friends!
Are they okay?
(Chrovos laughs)
- No.
And it's not just your
friends at risk now.
- Humanity?
- Bigger.
- Earth?
- I said, "Bigger".
- (gasps) America?
- Light has yet to reach the
depths of your ignorance.
Look, this mark here is where your friend,
Washington, was it?
This was where he was saved.
(electronic whirring)
(Donut gasps)
- [Donut] Wash!
(gunshots blasting)
They did it!
They saved him!
- And utterly shattered
time in the process.
- Ah, they did it?
They saved him!
- Your very lives are now
the weakness in my prison.
Your shared history was the backswing
before the hammer strike.
And there's now a period of
soft time to be traversed,
interfered with, poked at, to
create alternate timelines,
each another crack in my prison.
Look.
(electronic whirring)
- Church?
Oh, this is where Church
is killed by a tank.
Why are you showing me this?
- [Chrovos] Listen.
(electronic whirring)
- I'm going for the jeep!
Cover me!
(Donut gasps)
- Say it.
- That's not Church!
- (evily laughs) No.
(gunshot blasting)
- Son of a bitch!
(explosion booming)
- Son of a bitch!
(parts clattering)
- (giggles) Son of a bitch!
- [Tucker] Church?
- [Chrovos] Things are going to get
very strange in your past.
- Church, what are you doing?
- [Chrovos] Though your
friends don't realize it,
they're reliving their past, on rails.
(explosion booming)
It's as though
they're re-reading a story,
and they're in the story with them,
playing whomever he pleases!
- [Church] Genkins.
- [Sheila] Firing main cannon.
(gunshot blasting)
(tank thuds)
Turret blockage.
Cannon offline.
Please return-
- Son of a bitch!
- [Sheila] For repair.
- Possessing AI-ready individuals.
Unmaking history.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Tucker] Whoa, that's the
coolest shit I've ever seen!
- Phew, that was close.
(tank clanks)
- And creating paradoxes,
(electricity cracking)
ultimate timelines,
methodically rupturing the
integrity of time itself.
(electricity continues cracking)
Freeing me crack by crack.
- Mother of gosh!
- But there's something for everyone.
Let's see, in this ultimate
timeline here, mmm, Tucker.
With someone to look up to,
your teammate finds his footing
as a leader much earlier.
I am Lavernius Tucker!
And you will fear my laser sword!
Whoa!
(explosion booming)
- It is his undoing.
He is eventually killed
while trying to leap a
tank over a battleship,
but he lives a powerful and
confident existence, briefly.
- That's not such a bad life.
(electronic whirring)
- [Chrovos] And in this timeline,
it appears Caboose wound
up on the Red team.
- Sergeant!
You are my very best friend.
- And you're like the
delightful pet cat I never had.
Muffy!
- Ah, that one's nice.
- Very!
And every one of them serves me.
I'll be free in no time. (evily laughs)
- Nuh-uh.
- Interesting counterpoint, Donut.
Oh, please, do tell me more.
- I'm gonna stop you!
- Doubtful.
Your past has nothing in store for you,
but a mouse drum of time flowing
in every direction at once,
that, and utter disappointment.
Your friends lack our
perspective, let's say.
Any attempts to free them
will only create paradoxes.
- (grunts) I hate you, time travel!
- You would be able to
travel as Genkins does,
possessing iterations of yourself
anywhere along this crack
period, this singularity...
Oh, what should we name
this original crack here,
the one representing you
and your friends' lives?
- (stammers) I don't-
- Come on!
Humor me!
This is a collaboration!
- The Everwhen?
- (scoffs) No!
Anyway, I'm telling you all this,
because your meddling
will hasten my release.
Have at it!
Yesterday, you'll wish you
started tomorrow. (laughs)
A little time traveler motivational there.
- I can't just do nothing!
I have to try!
(groans) Screw around with me,
but don't screw around with my friends!
If anyone's gonna do any
screwing around here,
it's me screwing you!
I'm gonna save my friends.
- [Chrovos] (laughs) You're
extremely welcome to try.
(footsteps pattering)
- [Donut] I'm coming!
(Donut screaming)
What?
What's happening to me?
(intense dramatic music)
Was that Valhalla?
Hey, Caboose!
- [Caboose] Ah, pink.
(electricity whirring)
- Am I just seeing things as I name them?
Wash with a beard!
(electricity whirring)
Canadian Lopez!
(electricity whirring)
Wait a minute.
I remember this.
These are memories!
Okay, focus, Donut.
Time's happening all at once.
Just gotta concentrate on
one memory and stay there.
A strong memory.
Think, Donut, think!
(Donut grunts)
(static buzzing)
(object thudding)
(Donut groaning)
(body thuds)
- Donut?
- [Donut] Why did it
have to be this memory?
- Donut, no!
Donut!
Donut, are you okay?
Come on, breathe, Donut, breathe!
Why did you do that?
What's wrong with you?
- [Donut] It's okay.
I'll just focus myself
on some other memory.
(electricity whirring)
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut cries out)
(body thuds)
- [Simmons] Donut?
- [Donut] Still getting the hang of it.
- [Simmons] Donut, no!
Donut!
(gunshot blasting)
- Oh, come on!
- Donut?
Donut, no!
(electricity buzzing)
- They are the Fruit Loops,
(electricity whirring)
and you're just the
generic brand Sugar Rings.
(Donut groans)
Donut, you okay?
- Just a little hemorrhage.
(groans painfully)
- You have internal bleeding?
- Blood's meant to be internal, right?
So no biggie.
- There's no bigger biggie!
This is the biggest
biggie that ever bigged!
- Anyway. (playfully laughs)
Doc, that was a great thing, situation,
or, and/or activity
you were talking about.
- What?
- But I have
some important news!
Where am I?
Temple's underwater base?
Of course I am!
Guys, this is life or death.
I need you to listen.
- I actually wasn't finished,
but okay, whatever.
- Y'all!
Gather around me, okay?
Guys?
- Nah.
- Nah?
- I just value my time, Donut.
- What do you mean?
- Every time you talk,
it's like a buffet of sex gags,
and today I, me, Tucker, of all people,
just do not have any more
patients for innuendo.
- In-my-endo?
- Ah, see?
That's exactly-
- Donut, what I think
Tucker is saying is, he'd
like half as many entendres.
- I don't get it.
- I wanna say, ambiguous,
but that contains big, you, and us,
and I'm real nervous about
what you'll do with it.
- I'm sure I don't know what you mean!
Guys!
- Here it comes.
- We are inching towards
an explosive climax!
- That! That is what I mean!
- Fine!
Gosh darn it, fine!
I'm leaving!
- Good! Go!
(electricity whirring)
So?
- [Donut] Hi!
- [Tucker] But...
Are you-
- Why is everyone
looking at me?
(Tucker groans)
Is there something on my face?
Is there a spider on me?
- There's no way I'm
givin' up the Grif Shot!
- Oh, please!
What were you gonna do, eat off it?
- Actually, dickhead,
I asked Donut to mount
it for me in the base.
- And you know I can't resist
(electronic whirring)
a good mounting!
Wow!
- You okay, man?
- Yeah, just reliving every
sentence I've ever said.
Huh, Tucker was right about me.
- That's a good rule of thumb, actually.
- Anyway!
Guys, listen!
I've come from the future!
(dramatic Western music)
- [Washington] Okay!
What were we saying?
- Hey!
- Well, I was
gettin' to my plan for crashing
the Freelancer facility!
(sighs) But I seem to have lost
my train of thought, Donut!
- Guys, I have something to tell you!
Are you ready?
- I had a speech prepared
and everything!
- Yeah?
- [Sarge] Yeah, but it's gone.
- Aw, go on!
Let's hear it!
- [Sarge] (chuckles) Well,
okay, let me think here.
- [Washington] I'm sure
it's gonna be great.
- [Sarge] Oh, stop it, you!
- Why does no one listen to me!?
You're listening to Wash, and he shot me!
- (chuckles nervously)
That was a long time ago.
- Multiple times today!
I'm sorry.
It's been a weird three minutes.
(exhales loudly)
I'm just gonna-
(electronic whirring)
And action!
- [Simmons] Greetings, weary traveler!
We represent the timeline!
- I am the past, where things cost less,
and people knew the value
of a hard day's work,
but they only lived to be
twenty-eight years old!
(electronic whirring)
- Okay, let's try again.
I'm from the future!
- Hey, that's my line!
- And I'm the present, which sucks,
because we have nothing
cool, and also, no morals.
- Guys, I have a message from the future!
- You're supposed to be the narrator,
and I'm supposed to be from the future.
- No, I'm from the future!
- I'm from the future!
- And I am Private Tucker,
enter stage left, hello!
- I'll be in my trailer. (groans loudly)
- Sarge, just a sec!
I now realize, that at this
very moment, right now,
you are acting in a play to
explain time travel to Tucker.
- Oh, is that what this is?
- And maybe this is the worst
moment in my entire life
to attempt to explain this, but here goes!
(breathes deeply)
I am from several years
from now in the future.
That means I'm currently possessing
a version of myself
from several years ago.
I can perceive multiple times at once,
and move between them,
maybe because I'm technically
a creation of the time god, Chrovos.
- Lord above.
- Who was a big heap of shiny cogs,
or a big A.I. robot ball, not sure,
but is now a big and
sexy frightening lady.
- I'm listening.
- Right now, you're reliving your lives,
stuck in a period of fluid time
I'm calling the Everwhen.
(eagle screeching)
- The Everwhen?
- The Everwhen.
(intense dramatic music)
- (scoffs) Sounds like a Pearl Jam album.
- Ha, right?
Or a Neil Gaiman novel. (chuckles)
What? I read.
- This sounds believable
to me, for some reason.
- Yes!
Thank you!
- Are you high, or an idiot?
- It just sounds familiar, okay?
Besides, we do weird shit all the time.
A bomb literally just
blew us into the future.
- Actually, that's not true,
but we won't learn about that
for at least-
- Oh, Grif,
you fat, fat-headed, fat-mouth fatty!
This is Donut we're talkin' about!
- Yeah, he's an unreliable narrator.
- The vegetarian option
on the menu of life.
- (groans) Gross!
- He's like quinoa!
- You made your point.
- I'm not!
(exhales loudly) Guys, please!
In this Everwhen, everything
is happening at once,
but you can't see that, because
you're stuck inside of it.
But if you can all realize
that you're, like, on rails,
you could maybe get your
future memories back,
and, like, focus yourself
into important times
and places with me,
and together, we could stop
Chrovos' grandson, Genkins,
the trickster god,
from creating freaky alternate timelines
that are breaking a magic glass wall
in Chrovos' black hole
space prison that...
(sighs) You're never
gonna believe me, are you?
- You are off-script,
and you're ruining my life.
- Ah, if you're from the future,
what am I thinking about right now?
- I don't know!
- Oh, my God!
I don't know either!
- Donut, I may not say this often enough,
but shut up forever.
- I know how it sounds!
- If you did, then you'd shut up!
- Sarge?
- Shut, and I cannot
stress this enough, up!
- Why won't you give me a chance?
- I'm gonna answer your
question with a question!
Shut up?
- Sarge-
- Shut!
- I-
- Up!
♪ Shut, shut, shut ♪
♪ Up, up, up ♪
(Donut frustratingly yells)
♪ Shut up, Donut ♪
(electronic whirring)
♪ Shut up ♪
(dark ominous music)
(static hissing)
(Chrovos laughs)
- And he came directly home.
(footsteps pattering)
- No, I got shot by Wash
a couple more times!
- Either way, sterling work.
(whimsical tones)
Here. See?
The cracks are fine and
small, but very much there.
Teeny weeny paradoxes.
What would I do without you?
My hero!
- You're just being fake
nice to me to freak me out,
and I wish you'd stop.
- (chuckles) You have me all wrong.
- I'd doubt it!
- Indulge me for a moment, Donut.
Do you know how long an eon is?
Simple question.
Do you know how long an eon is?
Scientifically speaking,
Donut, it's a billion years.
Twelve million mortal
lives lived end-to-end.
It's a wonder I remember my own name!
I'm not being nice to freak you out,
I'm just glad something's
finally happening!
Anything at all.
Your attempts to contain me are useful,
but all the same, I'd like you to stop.
It pains me to see my champion so sad.
- Why won't they just listen to me?
- Darling, when have they ever?
And even if they did, they're trapped.
They don't perceive time as we do.
- So there's nothing I can do?
- No, I'm sorry.
- You're gonna get free,
and destroy everything!
- Un-make everything.
But it won't hurt, I promise you that.
Don't feel bad, my boy!
You just have no distance left to run.
Time became chaos
from the second the paradox
was created backwards.
- And...
After that?
- Hmm?
- You said, "Time's all weird
from the paradox backwards".
What about after the paradox?
What's happening in that time?
- Oh, nothing.
- Nothing?
- (laughs nervously)
Nothing worth mentioning.
Two realities clumsily jostling for space
where the paradox both
did and didn't happen.
Where are you going?
(footsteps pattering)
- [Donut] Nowhere.
Just stepping out.
- [Chrovos] Donut?
- [Donut] For a walk
outside of the Everwhen!
- Are you listening?
(gun clatters)
- (laughs) Yeah!
I know, right?
- Put that down.
- Do you not want me to go to the time
after the paradox, Chrovos?
- (laughs) Oh, it's chaos!
Two realities at once?
(Chrovos continues laughing)
- One where Wash was shot,
and one where he wasn't?
- Exactly!
Precisely!
- And right there between them,
a guy, who both was and wasn't shot?
A person outside of time, like us, right?
(dramatic instrumental music)
That's what I thought.
(gun cocks)
(laser blasting)
- Donut, hold on!
Wait, wait!
Donut, wait, don't go down the portal.
Don't (mumbles).
(portal thuds)
Dammit!
(portal whirring)
- Hello, Chorus!
(birds chirping)
Wash?
Agent Washington?
Yoo-hoo!
David?
(woodpecker rapidly taps)
(groans) I know Wash
would have gone to Chorus.
I guess he's just not in this canyon?
Welp, ready to search
an entire planet, Donut?
I sure am!
(intense whooshing)
- [Genkins] A prince from the sky,
son of Cosmic Powers,
in the shadow of a feckless father
with such potential, never understood.
A joke!
A tiny joke!
- [Junior] Blarg Honk?
- [Genkins] Nobody understands
you as I do, Junior.
- Honk?
- What?
No, I was talking about you.
- [Junior] Honk.
(Genkins groans)
(electricity sizzling)
Here.
(Junior laughs excitedly)
- Honk, honk, honk!
- Happy birthday.
(electricity whirring)
(explosion booms)
- [Santa] What do you know?
- [Locus] I don't know.
- [Santa] Then what do you want to know?
- [Locus] I want to know
what Felix is afraid of.
(Santa chuckles evily)
- [Possessed Santa] Knives.
- Knives.
Felix is afraid of knives?
- [Possessed Santa] Petrified.
- Felix has throwing knives.
- Plain old knives 'til
they're in his hands,
then he panics.
- And then he-
- And then he throws them.
- I see.
Well, I'd better go and help Felix (sighs)
kill some more innocent people.
- I will see you later, alligator!
(maniacal laughter) Work your magic!
(Locus scoffs)
(maniacal laughter continues)
(electricity whirring)
I love my job.
(machine clatters)
- [Genkins] Acquiring new targets!
(gunshot firing)
(explosion booming)
(gunshots continue firing)
(uptempo rock music)
(intense whirring)
(explosion booming)
(rapid beeping)
(intense whooshing)
(machine thuds)
- [Receptionist] So
your friend was injured?
- [Donut] Yes and no.
- You really need to pick one.
- [Grey] Franklin Delano Donut!
- Hey, Dr. Grey!
- What brings you here?
Are you dying?
(Grey giggles)
- Nah!
I'm looking for Agent Washington.
- Wash was just here.
- (sighs loudly) Okay, he's nearby.
Well, how is he?
- Fine.
- And his injury?
- His what?
- He had shooting pains from a shooting.
Mmm, uuhh, cerebal hyploxia?
- Oh, you know, he did come
in complaining about neck pain
a few months ago.
- Yeah, that's it!
- But we could never
find any sort of injury.
- Oh.
- We kept discharging him,
and then readmitting him,
'cause he would insist
that he had been shot,
but then he just changed his story.
He never really did get treated.
He's been acting really odd since.
- Oh, no!
Wait!
If he wasn't a patient,
then why was he here?
- To write me a fat check!
(imitates air horn blasting)
- A check?
- Wash funded a whole new
wing for the hospital!
- He what?
- [Grey] You've got to see it!
(indistinct murmuring)
If the hospital was a
bird, it'd fly in circles!
- [Donut] How?
- 'Cause it'd have one long wing.
(cymbals clattering)
- No, how did he pay for it?
- UNSC grade medical insurance is no joke.
Yours truly got creative
with his assessment,
and they paid him mega compensation.
Like what?!
- But I thought
he wasn't injured?
- And his insurance
don't need to know that!
Wink!
I put him down as being
de-armed, castrated,
and generally bothered
in the line of duty.
I wanted to make sure he's taken care of
since he's been kind of wobbly
ever since he-
- He went without treatment
for a brain injury he
both did and didn't have.
- But at least he's rich.
On my suggestion,
he's funding a giant
walking cannon for funerals!
- For funerals?
- Blasts you straight into the ground,
or space, or the ocean, if
you've got a foot fetish.
So folks at the beach
paddlin' you up forever.
- [Nurse] Doctor, we
need you in the theater.
- I'm busy!
- After death care is
a pet interest of mine,
and by extension, Wash, who
suddenly loves my ideas,
project's burnin' through cash,
like a fire at a money store.
- Don't you mean the bank?
- But it's not like
it's my money, so-
- Dr. Grey!
I think by not treating Wash,
you may have inadvertently given him
a worse case of cerebal hybloxia.
- Well, what do you get for
the man who has everything?
- I should find him, quick.
- Fine.
I guess I have patients to heal.
- Wait, wait, wait!
where does Wash live?
- Oh, yeah!
He lives kinda up.
- Up?
- Up!
You can't miss it!
(elevator dings)
(doors whirring open)
(footsteps pattering)
- [Butler] Do you have an appointment?
- Hi, I'm from the Giant
Walking Cannon Funeral Company.
- [Butler] Ah, Elon, right this way.
(footsteps pattering)
(electricity sizzling)
Master?
A visitor!
- [Donut] Hey, Wash!
- [Washington] Who said that?
- [Donut] It's me, Donut!
(electricity sizzling)
- I knew a guy named Donut!
- Yeah, it's a pretty common name.
- Wait!
Donut?
What are you doing here?
How'd you find me?
- Dr. Grey, she told-
- Oh, Emily!
She tell you about the cannon?
(Washington heartily laughs)
- She-
- Right into orbit,
or the ocean!
- The ocean!
Yeah!
- Ah-maz-ing!
- Wash, are you okay?
- Fine.
Wait!
Where are we?
Whose pool is this?
- I think it's yours, maybe.
It could be leasing.
- What?
That can't be right.
I-
- Wash, I don't know
how to tell you this.
(Washington eerily laughs)
I mean, I do,
but I think you're flicking between
two versions of yourself,
and you just became the one
whose brain is oxygen-starved.
- Funeral cannon!
- Yeah, funeral cannon.
- Emily's a smart cookie,
and you're a Donut!
(maniacally laughing)
Wait.
(electricity flickering)
- What was I saying?
- Wash, something is very wrong with you.
- I know.
Wait!
Do I know?
- [Donut] Okay, Wash, you
were shot in the neck.
- Yes.
(electricity flickering)
No!
- You walked into enemy fire
and were shot in the neck.
(electricity flickering)
- Correct.
- But also, you have never
been shot in the neck.
- No, never.
- So you remember being
shot and not being shot?
- Yah!
Yeah, but-
- How can you have
both those memories?
Think about it!
Wash, were you shot or not?
- Whoa!
Wait!
Whoa!
(electricity whirring)
Donut, what the hell?!
How did I-
- Oh, my gosh!
I think I just fixed it!
- Fixed what?!
- You were experiencing
two separate realities,
but, like, at the same time.
I think by making you aware
that you know something impossible,
I just combined,
or wait, removed-
- Collapsed a
probability wave.
(Washington yells)
Like Schrödinger's cat,
or a sealed envelope of exam results.
- Who the fuck is that?!
- I don't know!
That's your butler!
- Donut, what the hell is going on?
And if Carolina sent you
here to bring me back,
she can forget it!
She and I are never speaking again.
(gunshot whirring)
- [Donut] It's bigger than that.
Come on!
(footsteps departing)
(portal whooshing)
- Master Washington?
May I humbly request
my next paycheck early?
I was wondering if-
(portal whirring)
Well, that's just friggin' perfect!
(footsteps departing)
- [Donut] Okay, so with
everything I've told you in mind,
is this still making sense?
- Whoa!
That's-
- Bananas?
Ba-nay-nay?
Nayners bananers?
- I was gonna say, impossible to believe,
but I was a rich funeral
cannon tycoon a few hours ago,
so what do I know?
(sighs softly) At least I seem to be
back up to fighting speed.
I feel like we're gonna need
all hands on deck for this one.
So how exactly do we recruit
the other Reds and Blues?
Take the Time Gun back to
Blood Gulch and kidnap them?
- No, see, we're still in the time
after you were and weren't shot.
Everything before that is sort of a
category five hurricane of our memories.
You can thank Chrovos for that.
Well her and me.
- Chrovos?
He...
She's the one pulling the
strings behind Genkins?
We just need to get to
her and take her down?
- The first part of that is easy.
(portal whirring)
It's the second part
that's leaving me a little stumped.
(footsteps pattering)
- Donut, as a freelancer,
I've developed something of
a sixth sense for danger.
In short,
(intense dramatic music)
who is that?
- That's Chrovos.
- Donut, dear, aren't you
going to introduce your friend?
- Wait!
This is the place?
This is inside a black hole?
- [Donut] I realize it's a lot to take in.
- [Washington] And she's some kind of A.I?
- My children may be A.I,
but I am time itself, young man.
- [Donut] She loves
sayin' stuff like that.
- Would you prefer, Donut,
that I'm a birthless fractal algorithm
inside the time stream?
Is that easier to grasp?
- No, obviously.
- Donut, this is a little
beyond pirates and mercs.
- And yet, you're...
♪ Very much involved ♪
(electricity whirring)
(Donut gasps)
Your good help was the first
crack in my prison, Wash.
The rest of these were a group effort.
Donut helped.
- Donut what?!
- He betrayed the Reds and Blues.
It was great.
- I tried to fix it!
She told me I could travel
back through my past
without a time-portal
gun, but It was a trick.
I tried to snap the guys out of it,
but I only made it worse.
- But you could travel without
a time-portal gun, right?
- Yeah, 'cause she wanted
me to make more paradoxes.
- No!
I don't know gods, lady,
but I know strategy.
Donut, I remembered something
I couldn't possibly know, right?
That's how you saved me.
That works!
That's what you tried to
do to the Reds and Blues.
- Yeah, but they wouldn't listen.
You know them.
- But it worked on me!
I'm a Shisno.
They're all Shisno.
You were on the right track.
So if it works, and if that's our weapon,
why tell you where to use it?
Why tell you you can
navigate the Everwhen?
- I don't know.
- Okay, hypothetically,
if I had to shoot you
on your body again,
where would you say to do it?
- I actually hate my ears.
Shoot me in the ears.
One shot!
- Not your heart, or brain?
- No, thank you!
- [Washington] Exactly!
Somewhere non-vital, right, Chrovos?
It's not that you wanted
Donut to enter the Everwhen,
it's that you didn't want
him to go somewhere else.
Where didn't you want Donut to go,
or is it a "when"?
- Now that you say that,
she was kind of upset I
was coming so save you.
- [Washington] Ha, I bet she was.
Could it be,
that if we prevent that paradox
you love so much, Chrovos,
if we use Donut's time gun,
and intercept the Reds
and Blues after I'm shot,
but before they set off to save me,
it'll put this derailed
timeline back on track,
fix everything?
- Listen to me,
you little shit!
- It's true, isn't it?
Say it!
- (scoffs) Very clever, Washington.
You've worked it out.
But do you really think you
can save the day in time?
(pistol whooshing)
- We've got all the
time we need right here.
Donut, I think, from
now on, all our problems
are behind us.
(gun cocks)
(pistol whooshing softly)
Uh-uh!
A pistol?
Aren't you supposed to be a Cosmic Power?
- I believe "God of Deceit" is
the title you're looking for.
- (chuckles) I think you're looking for it
harder than me, pal.
- Genkins, you can't hurt us!
We're Shisno!
(pistol whirring)
- Oh?
(floor clatters)
(electricity buzzing)
- No!
(gun whooshing)
(vortex whirring)
- [Genkins] God of Tricks, hmm?
- [Chrovos] (sighs loudly)
That was bloody close.
- Oh, like they'd stop talking
long enough to win? (laughs)
How's your prison?
(electricity booming)
My, my, what a lot of cracks?
- Yes, yes, Genkins!
Well done!
Now, off you go.
- [Genkins] Fine!
- Freeze!
(gun cocks)
- Toodles!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Genkins giddily laughs)
(Chrovos laughs)
- Well, I hope you enjoyed
the upper-hand, boys?
You shat the fucking bed!
Boys, you cracked my case!
(forcefield crackling)
Cracked it more, I should say.
(forcefield continues crackling)
- No!
(Chrovos laughs)
- But alas, your hubris has-
- You know,
you use a lot of fancy
words for a jailbird.
We need to go.
- What?
- That's the past, right?
- [Donut] Well, yeah, but...
(stammers) Wait, wait, hey!
(footsteps pattering)
- [Washington] Come on!
(footsteps continue pattering)
- Leaders!
I swear to gosh!
We should talk about this!
(intense whooshing)
(Washington screaming)
- [Washington] I regret this so much!
- Wash, it's okay!
Focus on a memory.
- Donut, (groans) what's happening?
- This is every memory you've
ever had at all at once.
Focus on one where we're both there, okay?
And tell me which one you think of,
because I don't know
how to follow you-
(gunshot blasting)
(body thuds)
- Oh, no, I am so sorry!
- Remember further back, further!
(electricity whirring)
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!
- [Washington] I'm not going to!
- You shot Lopez!
What the hell, man?
- Oh, no!
It's okay, Simmons.
Wash had to shoot Lopez.
Right, Wash?
Lopez was-
(Donut and Washington stammering)
- A robot!
- Of course he's a fucking robot!
Why'd you shoot him?
- (stammers) An evil robot!
- Yeah, I know, he's the worst,
but that still doesn't-
- You know what!
Just shut up, Simmons!
- But-
- Okay, Wash!
- But-
- Welcome to the Everwhen.
(eagle screeching)
I guess when we travel together,
we end up in the same place.
Neat!
- So Lopez?
- Man, my joints feel amazing!
Is this what health was?
- I know, right?
- Donut?
- Wash!
We need to track Genkins.
Can you think of somewhere
important in our past
that Genkins might go to
cause the most damage?
- I think so.
- Lopez?
Hello, anybody?
- Think of that place
and time hard enough,
and we'll both go there.
- Got it!
- We gotta be careful not
to make too many paradoxes.
Aside from convincing
the guys to believe us,
every event in our lives has to happen
just as it did before.
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut groans painfully)
(gun thuds)
- Donut, no!
- I admire your commitment to time travel.
- [Donut] Thanks.
- [Epsilon] Felix will have to
activate the purge personally,
which means Locus will be with him.
- And since they know our
target's the Comm Temple,
it's safe to assume-
(electricity whirring)
(electricity continues whirring)
- Wash?
- Hey!
- [Caboose] Hello!
- Seemed like you were about to
say some more things after
"It's safe to assume"?
- No, I get it.
It's safe to assume, 'cause
we can handle anything.
- I never assume anything.
Keeps me sharp!
- You're as sharp as a boiled egg.
- And twice as deadly.
- So, hey, Donut!
Do you have something to say to everyone?
- Yes, I'd like to debrief you all.
Wait, not like remove your briefs!
I mean, I need to
tell you all-
- Really?
- (sighs loudly) Nah, Wash, you go ahead.
In my experience,
nobody listens to me anyway.
- Yeah, Wash, go ahead!
- Okay.
Everyone, I'm gonna need you to trust me,
more than you've ever
trusted me, by a lot.
Here it goes.
You're currently trapped in your past.
I know that right now, we're
planning our counterattack,
and in just a moment,
we're going to be joined by Kimball.
Hey, Kimball.
- [Kimball] Hi.
- Whoa!
- Donut tells me you've all got
some pretty major déjà vu, right?
- Oh, yes, for sure.
- Right, yeah.
(interposing voices)
- [Team Member] All I remember is cheese.
- That's because this has happened before.
I've seen us end this fight today, guys.
We win it.
And the next one, and the one after that,
you win, like always!
And at the risk of sounding gushy,
I'm proud to be counted among you.
But I'm about to tell you,
there's something on the horizon
swelling up like a tidal wave,
and it's gonna sweep us away,
unless we work together.
Forget this war.
Forget Chorus.
Forget what you're seeing around you.
You're dreaming, and
I'm gonna wake you up!
Now, do you trust me?
- You had me at, "Do you trust me".
- I feel confused,
but also motivated?
- As soon as I know what I'm in, I'm in!
- Alright, sure thing, Wash.
- (sighs) Sure thing, Wash.
- [Epsilon] Guys, it sounds
like Wash needs our help.
- Thanks, Epsilon.
I-
- No, I mean,
you really need our help, Washington!
And I know a fractured
personality when I see one.
Catch my drift?
- Ah!
- Yeah.
Wash, you're scaring me.
- What?
- [Possesed Epsilon] I get the feeling
you've been burning the
Civil War at both ends.
Are you okay?
- Yes!
- All we're saying, is this
could be a leaky implant,
or a legit flashback.
We're veterans, you know?
- Yeah, I do,
and, of course, you wouldn't
believe me, Carolina.
- Whoa!
- Dude!
- I mean, no.
So I-
- Come on, man!
- What?
Wash, what do you mean by that?
- Look, no, it's just that-
- I think you'd
better go, Wash.
Just cool off for a minute.
- [Washington] Yeah!
Fine!
Gladly.
(footsteps departing)
(possessed Epsilon laughs)
(clears throat)
- [Donut] Less paradoxes.
Less!
(footsteps departing)
- [Kimball] Should I...
I'm gonna come back.
(footsteps pattering)
- [Donut] Okay, Wash!
I have some notes.
- Donut, when I want
crudely made innuendos,
I'll ask you for them.
- But Wash, I haven't said any of those,
not since my buddies all
laid into me one by one.
(groans) I've never stopped!
- When you get injured, and
your best friend lies about it,
and makes you into a secret invalid,
I'll hear you out, I promise!
But until you're misled
about your own brain damage,
I think just-
- But you weren't!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- What?
- You weren't brain damaged!
You know that, right?
She saved you!
She went back and saved you!
- Well, yeah!
Still, (scoffs) it's not
like it changes anything.
- Wash, it literally changed everything.
- Friends talk to each other.
They trust each other.
I thought we were closer than that?
- Think that all you like,
but in your own time!
Quick fix, problem solved.
- Look, you don't know-
- I do know, Wash!
Carolina was well aware that
saving you could break time,
and she did it anyway.
She talked us into it.
I was there!
It was the closest to
tears I've ever heard her.
- It was?
- Well, second closest, after just now.
- [Washington] Fuck!
Look, I've got a lot to unpack, okay?
- Buddy, you need to focus!
Can you do that for me?
- What?
- This situation calls
for a clear-head, Wash!
Do you have that capacity,
is what I'm asking you?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, good, 'cause I
can't do this on my own.
- Sorry.
- Now, let's take a
breath, count to three,
and unpossess these bodies
before we cause too many paradoxes,
and annihilate all of history.
Ready to jump?
- [Washington] Yeah, okay.
(footsteps pattering)
Hey, thanks, man.
You know, you're a little
scary when you're mad.
- [Donut] Oh, no, I'm sorry!
- Ruined it!
(intense whooshing)
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut thuds)
- [Simmons] Donut?
- [Donut] How does it
hurt more every time?
- [Washington] Oh, god,
did I bring us here?
- [Donut] No, it was me.
I'm an idiot.
(electronic whirring)
(gunshot blasting)
(body thuds)
- Okay, whew.
- Lopez?
(footsteps departing)
- Sorry about that.
- [Donut] Eh, what's a
Donut without a hole in it?
(footsteps pattering)
- Did Epsilon seem-
- Hey, what the heck?!
- Simmons!
Did Epsilon seem Genkins-ey to you?
- He did!
- I get the feeling it's not going to be
as simple as convincing them.
- Now that you say that,
- What is happening?!
- I didn't convince you of anything.
- What do you mean?
- Remember?
I made you aware of knowing
something you couldn't know.
- Right!
So you're saying-
- Wash!
We need to make the
guys aware of something
they can't possibly know!
And I think, Wash, I know just what it is.
- You were hoping you'd think of something
before you were done talking, didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
- Fudge!
- Okay, Wash?
Back when we met, I wondered
if I'd die at your hands,
and I feel like, you know, we've
come a long way since then,
but you literally just shot Lopez!
- Sorry we keep doing
this to you, Simmons.
- To me?
He shot Lopez!
- When did we meet, Simmons?
- Huh?
- When did you first meet me?
- A year ago, maybe?
- Be pretty weird if we'd
met before that, wouldn't it?
Give you some pretty weird déjà vu.
- (gasps) That's right!
Wash, I could kiss you!
- Lopez is dead.
- All the Reds and Blue have got déjà vu!
That means they know
something's wrong, like you did!
- And if I show myself to the Reds
and Blues before we ever met,
why, Donut, I think they
just might recognize me.
With any luck, it'll
give them the same shock
I had on Chorus.
- Yes!
Then we'll be just one step
away from having our team back!
- What do you mean?
- I mean, well, we have to
get Carolina too, obviously.
Wash, you said it yourself,
"We're gonna need all hands
on deck for this one".
- (sighs) I hate that you're right.
- Well, get over it, buddy!
We're going to Blood Gulch!
Circa: Forever ago!
(electronic whirring)
(gun clanks)
(stammers) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
(electronic whirring)
Alright, let's unfudge some
timelines, Agent Washington?
He hasn't been to Blood Gulch yet.
Of course!
I brought him back to a time
where we're nowhere near each other!
Ah, geez, Donut!
Where did you send him?
(waves lapping)
- Huh.
Now I've got déjà vu.
But where-
- Recovery One,
this is Command requesting a Sit-rep.
Recovery One, do you copy?
Agent Washington, please respond!
(waves lapping)
(dramatic instrumental music)
(radio static)
Recovery One?
Wash, are you there?
- [Washington] Yeah, I'm here!
I'm here.
- [Recovery Command] Good.
I thought maybe we'd lost you too.
- [Washington] Huh?
- [Recovery Command]
(clears throat) Never mind.
Recovery One, what is your status, please?
- Ash, is that really you?
- [Recovery Command] What
did you just call me?
- Sorry.
Four-Seven-Niner.
I mean, Command.
- [Recovery Command] What is
your status, Recovery One?
- [Washington] Engaging hostiles.
Going radio silent.
- [Recovery Command] Negative!
You're not allowed-
(radio static)
(footsteps pattering)
- (sighs) Okay, deep breathes.
You know where you are.
You know where you are.
Up there is the body
of your old pal, York,
surrounded by a bunch of other bodies,
and one son of a bitch
pretending to be a body,
so that he can turn you into a body,
and that's fine.
This is fine.
No, dammit, this is not fine!
Gotta get to Blood Gulch!
(laser zinging)
(explosion booming)
Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Oh, my dear Washington.
And here I thought you'd
come for the Delta AI.
- Hello, Wyoming.
I don't suppose you'd happen to have
a second Warthog lying around?
- Hmm, but now that I know
you intend to arrive in Blood Gulch,
I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
You see, I also have business to attend to
in that particular-
- Oh, shit!
- Are you listening to-
- I just realized,
the moment we rescue the Reds and Blues,
Genkins will know what we're up to.
He'll know we're a threat,
and stick to Carolina like flypaper.
- Who in the bollocks is Genkins?!
- Do you have any idea where Carolina is?
- I...
What?
She's dead!
What does that have to
do with anything?
- She isn't dead.
She's in hiding.
Maine threw her off a cliff,
and she laid low for
years, until she found me.
I just don't know where.
- This is just not at all going
the way I thought it would.
- Tell me about it.
(electronic whirring)
Ooh, boy!
I am still not used to this.
(footsteps approaching)
(intense dramatic music)
(footsteps pattering)
- Hey, Wash.
- [Wyoming] Washington?
- Hey, fellas.
Oh, wait, York!
- [York] What's up, buddy?
- You and Carolina were always close.
If she were to-
- Whoa!
Agent Carolina is our leader.
She would not appreciate you
making such wild accusations.
- Jesus, what is this, high School?
- York!
What're you doing pallin' around
with the lowest in the leaderboard?
- Oh, right, it kind of was.
- Hey, Wash, not to keep
beating a dead horse,
but try to remember to pull the pin
before you throw your grenades, okay?
- Yeah, I got that!
- It's just, I don't wanna be
in another situation like last time.
- Last time?
Oh, wait, this does sound familiar.
- Hey, here's an idea.
Maybe pre-pull all the
pins on your grenades,
so you don't forget.
Just be sure to do it far
away from the rest of us.
- [North] Come on, South.
Leave him alone.
(footsteps departing)
- [York] Right!
Well, see you at the briefing.
(footsteps departing)
- Man, (sighs) I forgot what it's like
to be at the bottom of the food chain.
(Washington yells)
- Briefing's the
other way, Washington.
- Carolina!
Carolina.
- You're in my way.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you have a second to talk?
This'll probably sound crazy,
but it's really important.
- [Carolina] No.
(footsteps departing)
- Seriously?
- [Carolina] Seriously.
- Oh, she is so much
meaner than I remember.
(electronic flickering)
(alarm blaring)
Carolina?
Hypothetical question.
- Get out of my face!
(intense whooshing)
(rapid gunfire blasting)
- If she had to go into hiding,
what do you think her strategy would be?
Like, where do you think she would go?
- Is now really the best time for this?
- [Washington] Why won't
anyone listen to me?
- Oh, that's easy.
It's because you're a loser!
- Is this how Donut feels all the time?
(intense whooshing)
So, yeah, that's where I'm at,
stranded in time, until I can figure out
where Carolina was hiding all those years.
I know I probably sound crazy,
and I don't expect you guys to help,
but I just needed someone to listen.
- But if you can jump anywhere in time,
why don't you just go to the future
when you and Carolina are friends,
and ask her yourself?
(electronic whirring)
- [Washington] Carolina,
can I ask you something
about your past?
- Yeah, of course.
What's up?
- (muffled yelling) Goddammit!
- Whoa, are you okay?
- [Washington] I'm great!
- Are you sure?
'Cause it kinda sounded like
you just screamed-
- I didn't.
Hey, so, about that question
I was gonna ask you.
- Oh, right.
Shoot.
- All those years you were in hiding
after Project Freelancer,
where did you go exactly?
- Why do you wanna-
- Please,
just answer the question.
- (sighs) Well, I re-enlisted in the UNSC.
- Ah-ha!
Yes!
You...
You re-enlisted in the UNSC?
Why?
- It didn't take a genius to see
the UNSC was losing the war.
They were taking anybody who
would sign up in those days.
They weren't gonna look
twice at forged documents.
I figured it would give me constant access
to military intel and equipment,
allow me to keep my skills sharp,
and would be the last place
Freelancer would think to look.
I just needed to land
myself in an average,
unremarkable squad, stationed in one of
who knows how many
locations across the galaxy.
- I'll be damned!
The apple really didn't fall far.
- It was hard back then.
I felt I couldn't trust anyone but myself.
Like I had no one in my corner.
- Well, you didn't exactly make it easy.
- Yeah, I guess not.
(intense roaring)
- [Caboose] Hey, Guy!
Dinosaurs are back!
(dinosaur roars)
- Damn it, not again!
I should go take care of that.
(footsteps departing)
- It's fine.
(electronic whirring)
I've got what I need.
(radio static)
Recovery One,
this is Command requesting a sit-rep.
- Roger that, Command.
Situation's changed.
I'm gonna need a Pelican.
(intense whirring)
Shit!
Sorry, space-time continuum,
but I'm gonna need you
to take a few more hits.
(gun clanks)
(train roaring)
- [UNSC Lieutenant] Sir, has
she done something wrong?
- [Washington] I'm afraid
that's classified, Lieutenant.
If you could just lead the way?
(train roaring)
- [UNSC Lieutenant] She's
got a bit of a temper, sure,
but I think that's just because she knows
she can run circles around the rest of us,
if she wanted to, myself included.
- [Washington] Mm-hmm.
- Sorry. (laughs nervously)
Get a little chatty when I'm nervous.
I skimmed your file.
- Didn't like what you saw?
- All I really saw was the word
"redacted" a million times.
- [Washington] Well, there's no need
to be nervous, Lieutenant.
- [UNSC Lieutenant] It's just,
nothing ever really happens around here.
McCallister!
(gun clanks)
Got someone here who wants to talk to you.
(electronic whirring)
Can I help with anything else, sir?
- [Washington] No, pretty
sure I'm in the right place.
I'll take it from here, Lieutenant.
(footsteps departing)
(train roaring)
- I could've shot you
the moment you stepped
out of the terminal.
- Why didn't you?
- Because if you don't give
me the information I want,
I can still kill you
quietly before I slip away.
- I'm sure you could.
- So they didn't send you alone?
- Nobody sent me.
- Bullshit!
I know they've got you running recovery!
- And they still think they've
got me in their corner,
but that changes today.
I've been waiting for the right time.
I've been waiting to find you.
- How exactly did you find me?
- I had a little help.
(electronic whirring)
- [Delta] Greetings, Agent Carolina.
- Delta?
- It was just a matter
of asking Delta to search
enlistment records for-
(gun cocks)
- [Carolina] Where is York?
- (sighs) Wyoming shot him.
His armor's distress signal
was how I found Delta,
but I was too late for York.
I'm sorry.
- I don't believe you!
- [Delta] Agent Washington
is telling the truth.
I could provide you
with a supporting data,
if you would like?
- I'm going-
- I've already taken
care of Wyoming.
I don't mean to rush,
but it won't take long
before Command realizes
they don't have me on their leash anymore.
- What happened to you?
You're different than how I remember.
- Same thing that happened to you,
I learned the truth about
the Project, about the Alpha,
and now, I want the Director dead.
Will you help me?
(train roaring)
I'll make a call to Command
when we get to the airfield.
I think I can string them
along for a few more hours
before the jig is up.
- How is Delta okay with all of this?
- I told him he could meet
the Alpha if he helped.
- You lied to him?
- [Washington] No, I didn't.
- [Carolina] There's
something else going on here.
- [Washington] It's okay if
you don't trust me entirely.
- [Carolina] No, that's the thing.
I do.
- [Washington] You do?
- We weren't very close
when we were in the Project together,
but for some reason,
I feel like I can count on you.
- I-
(train roaring)
Thanks, Carolina.
- Where are we heading first?
- We're gonna rendezvous
with a team of soldiers I've assembled.
- Ex-freelancer?
- Sort of.
- Depending on where they're stationed,
we can pick up my armor on the way.
I've still got my
adaptive camo, and-
- That won't be necessary.
- What?
- Trust me, the moment you see these guy,
you'll understand everything.
(train roaring)
I hope.
- Let's see now.
(electronic flickering)
Mmm, no.
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Too fast.
(footsteps pattering)
(electronic whirring)
(Epsilon-Tex grunts)
Too furious. (laughs)
(electronic whirring)
(air whooshing)
(object thuds)
Donut gets trapped under a heavy object?
(groans) Sure, why not.
Actually, just one more time.
(air whooshing)
(object thuds)
(maniacally laughs)
(sighs) Never gets old.
(electronic flickering)
- [Possessed Church] (clears
throat) Sheila, stay here.
If anybody moves, shoot 'em.
(footsteps pattering)
- (groans) Why the heck
is Wash taking so long?
(footsteps pattering)
Well, there's my cue to get
trapped under Sister's Pelican!
Lucky me!
(footsteps pattering)
- Donut!
Get back here!
Wait for the ship!
- [Donut] Exhale on
impact, exhale on impact!
Hate my life, hate my life!
Oh, god, oh, god, I hate
my life, I hate my life!
Oh, my god, I'm gonna hate my life!
- Think fast!
(grenade thuds)
- Grenade?!
(explosion booms)
- My grenade slipped!
Also, my grenade pin.
And so by saving Donut,
(air whooshing)
(plane thuds)
(glass shattering)
I doom him. (maniacally laughs)
- [Donut] Holy baloney!
- (groans) So unsatisfying.
Wait!
Sarge is waiting for reinforcements,
Tucker just gave birth to Junior,
and Donut was meant to be
crushed under a Pelican,
so I'm in the right place,
but I didn't make an alternate reality.
Where is my alternate reality?!
- What the...
There was never a grenade!
But that means...
You!
- You!
- I've got you now, you-
(air whooshing)
(plane thuds)
(glass shattering)
(footsteps pattering)
- (laughs) Here comes victory!
Two Pelicans!
Heck of a reinforcement.
Announce our calvaries' arrival, Simmons.
- The collective noun for a
group of pelicans is a scoop.
- (chuckles) Thank you, Simmons!
Well, Blues, you've had
your fun, and it's over!
If it's all the same to you,
I'd like to postpone your crushing defeat
for a moment longer, as I
have prepared a short speech.
Simmons, like we practiced!
(Simmons hums upbeat tune)
(Sarge clears throat)
(Simmons continues humming)
You are Blue!
And we are Red!
Colors clash, and clash we
have, but colors mix too.
I look back on our time here in the Gulch,
and wonder what could have
been achieved together,
and is it too late for a
combined Red/Blue force
built on trust, co-operation
and dare I say, mutual respect?
The answer is, yes, of course!
We will erase your siege, creeds,
and deeds from recorded history,
and pile your nameless
bodies into the earth!
But I can see, that on occasion,
you were the tactically superior force.
And though this is a grave
sin in the eyes of Sarge,
you have my...
Well, not my respect, obviously,
but something similar.
Grif, the bugle!
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.
- Blues, do not cry and pee your pants!
I beg you!
For you tried your best and failed.
And truly, in war, there is
nothing more pathetic than that!
In the battle to be the most
upsettingly pathetic and lame,
you have lain waste to my forces and I.
Congratulations.
Now, if I may direct your attention
to get the heck outta here,
we'll begin our move into Blue base,
which has always been better kept,
and has softer upholstery.
- Yeah, yeah, I guess.
- Excellent, yeah, I agree.
- Could this wait until Tucker's recovered
from giving birth to an Alien?
- No!
(aircraft whirring)
Hey, what is that?
- I think that's defeat, sir,
snatched from the jaws of victory.
- No!
(aircraft continues whirring)
You're gonna get it, Blues!
- Great.
Great save.
(electricity whooshing)
- (laughs) Wait.
Why did-
(footsteps pattering)
No!
(Donut wincing painfully)
- Washington!
- Hey, buddy.
- [Caboose] Who's your friend?
I like their armor.
- [Washington] That's Carolina.
- Oh, Carolina!
Hey old buddy?
Wait, where do I know you from?
- Oh, don't tell me!
Are you famous?
I remember someone
filming a movie about you.
- Oh, my god!
It's Bruce Willis!
- I don't think she's famous.
- Oh, hey guys!
Guys?
Some guys I know?
That's weird.
Hi, everyone.
I'm gonna go.
- Hey, I know you too!
- Neil Armstrong, that is who you are.
- I'm Grif's sister, his wombre,
like ombre but womb.
Does that even make sense?
I tell jokes when I'm panicking.
- Grif's sister?
- Yeah.
- In some ungodly third primary color,
made of Grif's DNA?
(gun cocks)
- Sarge, no!
- No, no, no!
- Sarge, you know her!
That's my sister!
- I do?
- Yeah.
Wait, yeah, do you?
- Oh, I'm asleep!
None of you are real.
- Wash?
- Donut,
I didn't mean to take so long.
I had to find Carolina,
and then-
- No, Wash,
you did it, man!
You got us all together!
Thanks!
- Hey, it was your idea.
- [Sarge] I feel weird!
- You should go and wake 'em up, though.
Sarge seems upset.
- [Sarge] It feels like I've been Sarged!
- Go blow some minds.
- Sure, sure.
- [Sarge] Oh, what have
I been doing to people?
- [Donut] Okay, guys, listen up!
You all know each other, right?
- Yeah.
- Doi!
- [Genkins] No!
- [Donut] You all know this guy, right?
- Yeah, that's Wash.
- Yes, hello, Washington.
How is your neck?
- Fine, thank you, Caboose.
- No!
(clears throat) None
of us know each other!
They're lying!
- What you freaking out for, Church?
- Carolina, you know these people?
- I'm not saying anything,
until someone tells me what's happening!
- [Caboose] I know you.
Hi, Carolina.
- And where do you know Carolina from?
- Well, there was...
Wait, that's confusing.
I know her from that one
place, but where did I...
I...
I can't remember how I-
- Oh, that's the future!
That's where I know you from!
Man, that was drivin' me crazy.
That was really good.
You were really good in that.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
- But how can you know someone
from the future, Caboose?
Carolina, where do you
know these people from?
- Places I've never been.
Right?
Am I dreaming?
- Now, who would you say is missing here?
- [Carolina] Lopez and Tucker.
- Who are they?
- I don't...
I don't know.
I mean-
- How can you
know their names?
(Genkins mumbles)
She doesn't!
This is all a Red trick!
- You don't sound like yourself, Church.
You got a frog in your throat?
(Genkins grunts angrily)
- [Donut] And Carolina, riddle me this.
- Donut?
- Sorry, got caught up!
Okay, Donut, here goes.
Hard mode.
No sexual innuendo.
Guys, this is the past!
You are trapped reliving your lives.
You can fix this,
if you realize this
isn't really happening.
The last real thing that happened
was your attempt to save
Wash from being hurt.
And my friends, I'm afraid to say,
it made everything go penis.
Dammit!
Guys, you gotta ask
yourself this question,
how can you all know each other,
but not know each other?
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(electronic flickering)
(Sister screams)
(interposing voices)
- Holy shit!
- Oh, my god!
We...
Guys, did we break the universe?
- Everything went white.
- [Sister] The fuck am I
doing back in Blood Gulch?
- Ah, am I dead?
Am I in hell?
- Guys, yes, you see,
we're in the past, see?
I worked it all out a minute ago.
If you just take a second
to collect your thoughts,
I will be happy to
explain everything to you.
- My god dang gynecomastia is back!
Tender nips!
- Wash!
(Sarge mumbles)
You're here!
Are you okay?
I'm so sorry.
I feel like the worst fucking
person in the whole world.
- Carolina, I-
- I should've told you
that you were injured.
I know that now.
I was just trying to protect you,
but that was stupid, 'cause
you don't need protecting,
and I was just so worried about you,
and I didn't wanna upset you,
but it sent you away-
- Stop!
- [Carolina] What?
But-
- I don't care
about my injury!
Forget about that.
- I don't understand.
- You've...
Your life, Carolina,
you've survived things
that would've broken me.
Broken anyone.
Do you even know how far you've come?
You are so cool.
I am so proud of you.
I'm always gonna be your friend.
- Really?
And you're okay?
You're not hurt?
- I'm okay.
We're okay.
- [Genkins] All right!
Gloves are off, Shisno!
- [Carolina] Who's that?
- [Washington] (sighs heavily)
Genkins possessing Church.
- Hey, that guy ruined pizza!
- And time, and space.
- Yeah, that too!
But mostly pizza!
- If you think you're upset now,
wait till you hear what I did to Huggins!
- What?
- [Genkins] Sheila, be a
dear, and kill everyone!
- Excuse me!
- What?!
- You're not Church.
- And?
- Can you put his body down, please?
- Hmm, the halfwit.
Out of my way now!
Or else I-
- Yeah, sorry,
I should explain.
You see, I killed Church,
and I kept his helmet.
- Badass!
- And when he died, and he died a lot,
I'd sit with him, and
feel not better, but...
It's complicated.
You see, when someone dies,
my brain likes to hurt me with memories,
and I don't know why.
- Do you have a point?
- Well, after Epsilon went away,
holding the helmet helped me think,
'cause it hurts to look at.
Does that make sense?
It hurt me, so that I didn't have to.
Yeah, grief, grief is weird.
But these days, I like to feel better,
and you're making me sad,
so please put his body down!
(intense dramatic music)
- No.
- Put it down!
- Or what?
(Caboose yells)
(body thuds)
Oh, no, no!
- Give me back Church!
(Genkins yells indistinctly)
(gun thuds)
(yelling continues)
- Caboose!
What the hell, man?
(Caboose yells indistinctly)
Stop hitting me!
(continues yelling indistinctly)
Caboose, get-
(gun thuds)
Seriously!
(Caboose continues yelling)
(image whirring)
- [Delta] Alpha detected.
Error.
(electricity whirring)
- Shit!
A paradox, right?
- What just happened?
And where's Tucker?
- I think today, he's
giving birth to an Alien?
- Oh!
- What?
- Hey, Doc?
- Donut?
Man, I'm so confused.
What is going on?
- It's easier if I don't explain.
Doc is dead.
- [Both] Oh!
- I had to kill him.
Hey, Doc, buddy!
Can you go revive Tucker?
- Dibs!
Tucker needs to be debriefed.
- Yeah!
Wait, what?
- Doc, follow my lead.
- [Doc] Okay.
- [Sister] This is
gonna be so fucking fun!
- I'm as stumped as a
headless quadriplegic!
- This feels weird, right?
Back me up, Simmons.
- I neither understand, nor like it.
- [Washington] We'll explain everything.
Or should I say, Donut will.
He's good at it.
- Before we start,
do you guys know what
Genkins meant about Huggins?
- [Sarge] It sounded like he killed her.
- No, man, sorry!
No idea!
- Nuts!
- [Huggins] The Reds and Blues
are going back in time again.
I have to tell Atlus!
It's urgent!
- Well, now, that is news.
- [Huggins] So, can I go?
- [Genkins] Not quite. (chuckles)
After all, you must be punished.
- [Huggins] Punished?
For what?
(gun whirring)
(laser booming)
What?
(Huggins screaming)
No!
No!
(black void whirring)
(Huggins screaming)
Help!
No, no, no, no!
A black hole!
This is how my parents died!
Oh, god, I'm gonna die!
(sighs) You're gonna be okay.
Sing a little song.
♪ Light is information ♪
♪ And cannot be destroyed ♪
♪ Light's information ♪
♪ So it cannot be destroyed ♪
♪ I am information ♪
♪ And I can't be destroyed ♪
(black hole whirring)
(Huggins sighs)
♪ I don't want to die ♪
(intense whirring)
Oh.
(intense dramatic music)
That's something.
(orb whirring)
That's a big...
Is this the heart of a black hole?
Hard to believe one of these
things killed my parents.
It has a heart?
Can a black hole love?
- [Huggins Mother] No, dear.
That's just the Big Bang.
(Huggins gasps)
Pre-bang, obviously.
- Mom?!
- Mom?
That's a name I haven't
heard in a long time!
- (laughs) Sharp!
- (gasps) Dad?!
- [Huggins Father] Please,
Dad was my father's name.
Call me Gerald.
(Huggins Mother scoffs)
- Oh, no, I'm dead.
Aren't I?
- [Huggins Mother] What?!
Sweetie, no, we can't die.
Light is information,
and can't be destroyed.
- [Huggins] Yes! Knew it!
- [Huggins Mother] Black
holes are sort of drains
that feed the cosmos all
the way back to here.
It lets the universe loop.
- [Huggins] Whoa!
- [Huggins Father] (laughs) Don't blow the
kid's mind, Cheryl!
- [Huggins Mother] Oh, sweetie,
I didn't blow your mind, did I?
- [Huggins] Whoa!
- [Huggins Father] Where's your brother?
He should be here.
- [Huggins] Muggins?
I don't know.
One of the Cosmic Powers trapped me here.
Remember those guys?
- [Huggins Father] Nope!
Maybe he's just late?
- [Huggins Mother] Late?
The whole universe should be in here.
Oh, maybe there's a
blockage in the timeline?
Gerald, would that do it?
- [Huggins Father] (laughs)
Yeah, that'd do it!
- [Huggins Mother] Huggins,
you should really check on Muggins.
- [Huggins] Fine!
How?
- [Huggins Mother] Just fly at full speed.
- [Huggins Father] Close to
full speed, or you'll overshoot.
- [Huggins] What?
- [Huggins Mother] At light speed,
you don't experience time.
So move at nearly the speed of light,
and time will accelerate.
You can watch galaxies
bloom and fade in real time.
It's really nice.
- [Huggins Father] Now, Hugs,
if there's a blockage in the timeline,
you'll get stuck in it,
like a spider's web.
Do you know where that might be?
Can you think of any paradoxes
you might have stirred up?
- [Huggins] No, I...
Oh.
Oh!
Those sons of bitches!
- [Both Parents] Language.
- [Huggins] Okay, Mom, Dad, I gotta go!
I know when that paradox is!
Something's crazy wrong!
- [Huggins Father] Darn tootin' !
Muggins ain't here!
- [Huggins Mother] When's your brother
getting here, Huggins?
- [Huggins] Goodbye!
- So long, have fun!
- Bye, buddy!
(intense whirring)
(mellow instrumental music)
- [Sister] Okay, Tucker's passed out.
You know what that means?
- First, we monitor his condition,
so that-
- No, Doctor Boring!
I'll start at the top.
Someone has to tell Tucker
that we caused a paradox,
and are reliving our old lives.
- [Doc] I would appreciate an
explanation of that, actually!
- However, Tucker is going to
wake up, and will look at me,
a person he does not know,
yet somehow recognizes,
and be like, bleh!
- Bleh?
- Duh, hey,
why do I recognize you?
And I'll say,
"It's 'cause I'm mostly
made of you, ya sucker!"
"We took your fucking organs!"
- We're not doing that!
- [Sister] Or, okay.
He just gave birth to this
alien-tumor-thing, right?
- Blarg!
- Sure.
- [Sister] So we convince
him that aliens are invading!
- Ahh..
- Through his ass!
- Why would we do that!?
There's been enough going
on down there already!
- For funsies.
- Can we not just give him the care
we'd give any new mother!?
- Oh, I hear what you're saying!
I'm the child he gave birth to,
a little coma baby, Kai.
- No!
- Hi, Dad!
It's me, your coma baby.
And I want cash!
- You know, I get the feeling
you and Tucker have
some unresolved issues.
- [Sister] Okay, Doc!
Like we practiced,
wake him up.
- [Sarge] Motion to feed Donut
through Sheila's treads for treason!
- I'd like to plead not guilty, please.
- Please from a traitor, like you,
are about as significant
as whatever abstract shape
I'm gonna grind you into!
- Sarge?
- Sarge, what?
This slice of pink frosted butt-cake
has been on display for too long!
The boy's gone stale.
- Donut saved all of us, you included.
- I do not subscribe to that reality!
- Did Donut really do that?
Donut, did you save us all?
- (chuckles nervously) Well,
I don't know about all that.
- Boy doesn't even know about it!
You heard him.
- [Grif] I'm sorry, but,
dude, you betrayed us!
You stole the hammer.
What the fuck?
- We were trapped!
We're now free.
You and I are no longer
in a weird time limbo,
and we owe Donut.
We owe him big time!
- Whatever!
- I have five bucks,
but I want change.
(Donut sighs loudly)
- Now, can someone please tell
me why I'm in Blood Gulch?
- Washington, can you field this one?
I am going to start fixing the timeline.
Boop!
(electronic whirring)
(birds chirping)
- [Washington] Is Caboose a genius?
- If he is, I'd just prefer not to know.
- Hmm, well, you heard him,
let's get everyone up to speed.
Speaking of everyone,
where are they?
- How're his vitals?
- Fine!
- And his life signs?
- It's the same thing!
- [Tucker] Who is that?
- Good god, amnesia?
I'll fetch my medical tire iron.
Nurse, help him up!
- Nurse?
- [Sister] Thank you, sweetpea!
Lavernius, you've been out for some time!
How many guns am I holding up?
- One?
- Very good!
We're gonna have to put him down.
- I was just having a baby!
- [Sister] In this economy?
He's delirious!
- Don't I know you?
- Yeah, you do, I'm afraid.
You see, I was going to wait
until you recovered to tell you,
but Tucker, I'm you!
- What?
- From the future!
- [Doc] I'm leaving.
- [Tucker] Is this a prank?
Sarge?
(footsteps departing)
- The future is all ladies,
all the time, you included!
And if you're gonna live
to see that promise land,
I gotta rescue you, Tucker.
You wanna know why?
- Fuck off!
- You are in Purgatory, Lavernius.
And you've gotta break outta purgatory!
- I am not!
- Welcome to limbo, muthafucka!
- Blarg!
- What was that?
- Honk!
(Tucker yells)
- That's...
It's a demon, 'cause
we're in limbo, remember?
- Honk!
- You died in childbirth.
- What?!
Oh, god!
- No god here, Tucker!
- Jesus!
- No Jesus here!
Just you, this here prospective vagina,
and eternity with the demons, baby boy!
- Honk!
(Tucker yells)
- You can escape.
I can show you how,
but you have to trust me.
- Blarg!
- Oh!
Oh, god, oh, god!
(mellow instrumental music)
(orb whirring)
- Blood Gultch,
historic home to the Shisno.
Jeez, Grif lived here?
Hmm, looks like he had neighbors.
That must've been nice.
Oh, nobody's here yet.
(intense whooshing)
There!
Hey, you!
Why'd you make a paradox, you butt?
- Hello!
- Wait!
Huh? Wrong person.
(groans) Huggins, you idiot!
It's the past!
They haven't done it yet!
Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
- Hello.
Pardon me?
We did it to save our friend, Wash.
I kinda thought you knew that?
- You-
- 'Cause, you know,
you went away all mad.
- [Huggins] I did?
- Yeah, when we were at
the God Place together
in the future.
- [Huggins] How can you know that!?
(grunts loudly)
Okay, (sighs) Caboose, right?
- Yes, thank you for remembering.
- [Huggins] Today, I found
out my parents aren't dead.
Black holes make the universe loop!
- [Caboose] Time is made of circles.
I am familiar with the concept.
- [Huggins] And now, you
seem to know the future.
- [Caboose] Yeah, really
good at card tricks now.
- [Huggins] Okay, this is whelmed.
This is overwhelmed!
And this is where my ass is at!
(sighs softly) Can we talk?
- [Caboose] Yeah, okay,
but I have to kill my
best friend in an hour,
so, you know.
- [Tucker] Doc, I'm a phantom,
and I have unfinished business on Earth!
- Oh, dear god!
- I have to come clean.
- Tucker, Sister's just
trying to-
- I seduced your mother.
- Say what now?
- You said, I don't know,
something I didn't like,
and so I looked up "Mom" in your phone,
and, well, you know,
and then I told everyone she
had tits like icing bags,
and that she's so fat, that
when she walks on the beach,
she leaves glass footprints! (laughs)
- Hey, you should go tell everyone else
your unfinished business too.
- (sighs) Thanks, man.
I'll miss you.
(Donut whispers indistinctly)
Donut, I'm dead.
I'm sorry I always mocked
your alternative lifestyle,
and I-
- You helped
prevent Wash's injury, causing a paradox,
and now you're trapped in your past.
That's Carolina.
That's Wash.
You should ask yourself how you know them,
even though you haven't met them yet.
- [Sister] No!
- Me and Doc betrayed everyone,
and no amount of
atonement seems to fix it!
(electronic buzzing)
- Ah, fuck you, Kaikaina!
(Sister evily laughs)
- [Doc] Holy moly!
I survived falling off a skyscraper!
- Wait! Doc?
You're not dead!?
- Yeah!
(stammers) I mean, I guess not?
- I fought you through time and space!
- Yeah!
Man, you did so great!
That was such a fun fight!
It was like (grunts) punchin', wow!
- You're damn right.
Goddamn right it was!
(drums tapping fast tempo)
Alright, you fuckers!
Listen up!
- [Simmons] What?
- I have had it with this traitor crap!
You all think you're better than me,
'cause I have pink armor!
- Whoa!
- Yeah, I said it!
I'm owning it!
Pink!
You put me down, sidelined
me, leave me to rot,
shoot me over and over!
- Sorry!
- And when I die horribly at
the hands of some time god,
and come back with the explicit
task of saving your lives,
and when I'm the only person,
the only person, with any interest
in preserving the universe,
while your dumb asses wander
off and break time itself!
- Sorry.
- Shut up!
All you can think to do
after I fight O'malley across
time, space, World War II,
the moon, and a labyrinth
prison inside of a black hole
is execute me!?
- [Sarge] Vote to execute you.
- You wanna know what my crime was, huh?
You wanna know what I did?
How I slipped up when I trusted Chrovos?
I believed someone could like me.
- [Sister] Woof.
- So when I teach you
all how to time travel,
and thwart Genkins, I'm out!
Next time, you're stuck
in your boring ass lives
with your ugly decor
and drab fashion sense,
cry to some other Shisno!
(footsteps departing)
Pink!
- You are all going after
him and apologizing.
- (groans) Okay.
- If you say so.
(interposing voices)
- Did I hear right,
that I can time travel?
- [Washington] First, apology!
(Sarge grunts)
(footsteps departing)
(mellow instrumental music)
- [Sister] Donut, we're sorry!
- Please do accept my apology,
or I'll punch your face in half!
Five in the pink.
- Sarge!
I have trouble expressing remorse.
- Why is he just standing there?
- I guess he ran out of
distance to run away.
- [Donut] I can still hear you!
- Did you hear the sorries?
- Uh-oh!
- Shh, shut up!
Here he comes!
- You can't fix the things you've done
with the things you say!
I'm upset because I had to
see you all differently now!
You're dicks!
Big old dicks!
- I mean-
(Sarge groans)
- How about we show we're
sorry by fixing the timeline?
- That'd work for me!
- Then why don't you bring us up to speed?
- Yeah, yeah, okay!
Let me paint you a picture.
The year is 2019.
(interposing voices of disgust)
- [Caboose] That year sucks!
- That's the time.
- Oh, my heads up display needs updating.
Hang on one second.
- [Tucker] Is this really a good idea?
(Washington mumbles)
- Okay, boys and girls!
With the exception of Caboose,
who's already off time-traveling,
who has questions?
(sighs) That's a lot of hands.
Yes, you, O'Malley, the
traitor, abandoned by his god?
- Doc is fine.
If Caboose is time-traveling,
why is he still here?
- Hello!
- His consciousness is
inhabiting a Caboose
from a different timeline,
while he relives events to fix the past.
- Oh, right!
What?
- Am I not really here?
Where is that voice coming from?!
- How does reliving old
events fix the timeline?
- Okay, put a pin in that.
I'm just gonna show by doing.
We're gonna hop back in
time 10 minutes or so.
Ready?
- Wait, stop!
- What, not dramatic enough?
- You'll lose Carolina
and I if you do that.
We can only jump between points
on our original timelines,
not the alternate ones,
like the one we're in now.
If you jump back, Carolina and
I won't be here, uh, there.
- [Simmons] What?
- I think...
I think that's okay.
- How do you think that's okay?
I couldn't even understand it!
- Wash, you take Carolina
and fill her in somewhere
on your own timelines.
I'll take care of the others.
We're all gonna have to split up anyway,
if we're gonna fix time.
Genkins had a pretty big head start.
- Good point.
- [Tucker] You're seriously
leaving us with Donut?
- Hey, what was all that
about showing me you're sorry?
- [Sister] Called the fuck out!
- [Tucker] Sorry.
- Let's all check back
in from time to time
in order to gauge our progress.
I think almost all of us were on Iris,
so let's try there.
- The day the dinosaurs attacked?
- Mmm, day after.
Sister, I can fill you in one-on-one.
The day we met at Blood Gulch.
- Ah, a simpler time,
a time when I might have made a joke
about that suggested proposal.
I'm in!
- Perfect!
Oh, and before you go,
would you mind looping
in Lopez in all of this?
He's lying around somewhere
as a bodiless head.
This was a very difficult
period in his life.
- No problemo.
(footsteps departing)
- Is anyone else not
following this at all?
- Hush!
We're going back 10 minutes.
Everybody, mentally prepare
yourselves for time travel!
- How does one do-
(yells out painfully)
- What's happening?!
- [Donut] We time traveled back
to the way this moment
originally played out!
Isn't that exciting?
Ow!
- [Doc] Donut!
That doesn't look comfortable.
- Wait!
We lost Tucker!
- [Tucker] (groans painfully) My dickhole!
- Oh, yeah!
He's just in Blue base
recovering from childbirth.
- [Church] What are
you all talking about?!
- [Donut] Ah, gosh!
This is not going well!
- [Caboose] Hello, everyone!
It is I, Caboose!
- [Donut] Who said that?
Ow!
- [Caboose] Church, buddy,
this is gonna make a lot more sense
if you just go back to bed.
- [Church] Oh!
Yeah, that...
Okay, that makes sense.
- Night, Church!
I'm gonna go get Lopez.
Thank you for bringing everyone back
to the Singularity, Donut.
You mean, Everwhen?
(eagle screeching)
- Huggins called it a Singularity.
I don't know.
Be right back!
(footsteps departing)
- [Simmons] Well, that's
more cool by a lot.
- [Grif] Wait, did he say Huggins?
(Huggins hums)
(orb whirring)
- Hello!
- Huggins!
Buddy!
- [Huggins] Oh, hey, Grif,
you asshole!
- I missed you!
- [Huggins] You broke the timeline!
- [Grif] Bring it in!
- [Huggins] I'll kill you!
- [Caboose] We're back!
Just like I promised!
- [Donut] Oh, right.
Let's get you started.
I'm just gonna direct you from under here.
Is that okay, guys?
- [Lopez] LOL.
- [Donut] Okay, to time travel,
we focus on a particular moment.
When everyone's ready to go-
- Jeez, but it's hard
to take him seriously under a Pelican.
- I agree, but shush!
(Donut speaks indistinctly)
- [Donut] Stop Genkins
from altering the timeline.
Unfortunately, without
knowing where he's targeting,
this means we need to relive
our lives event by event,
just as they already happened.
- Entendido.
(electricity flickering)
- [Huggins] Nuh-uh, you dummies!
You don't need to entirely
relive your lives!
- Oh, dumb ass!
Bye, Lopez!
- [Huggins] I'm made of light.
I can scout ahead in time,
watch for alternate timelines,
then report to Caboose in the future,
so he can time travel back here to now,
and tell you when it is you
need to go to stop Genkins, hmm?
- That sounds incredibly convoluted,
and like it would take forever!
- It already happened!
I also took out the garbage.
- Does anyone else have a nosebleed?
- [Huggins] Yeah, we already done it!
Higher beings represent, baby!
- Still not sure I subscribe to this
"higher beings" malarkey.
(interposing voices)
- [Huggins] Oh, I'm fading!
I'm fading!
Please believe in me.
(orb whirring)
Oh, false alarm.
I just went to the fucking moon!
- You just saved us so much bullshit.
(sniffles) Thank you.
I'm sorry we fucked up time.
- [Huggins] (sighs) I cant
stay mad at you forever.
- [Grif] Ah, thanks, bud.
- [Huggins] No, I literally
can't stay mad at you forever.
Time is broken from Wash's injury onwards.
- Oh.
- You had one job!
- You mean, save reality?
- [Huggins] Fix it!
No pressure.
Love you!
(orb whooshing)
- Oof.
- And again,
why do we have to relive events?
How does that fix anything?
- Simmons, to answer your question,
you ever get like a gap in your zipper?
- 6th Grade, debate class.
Devastating.
- And then you have to sort of like
pull the zip back down past the gap,
and then re-zip it back up again!
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- Yeah, that's what we're doing,
we're re-zipping time.
- [Everyone] Ohh!
- I get it.
- Wow!
That's so much clearer.
- Are we sure we're back
in our right timeline?
Because Donut and Caboose are
the ones calling the shots!
- Tucker!
Gah, thank you so much for
acknowledging my assertiveness.
I have been working on that.
- And this is why I've got a sword,
and the gods gave you a golf club.
- Ahh, man, I miss golf club.
- [Tucker] How do we know this will work?
- [Donut] You wanna
know if this will work?
Well, it all depends on you guys!
So listen up, and brace yourselves,
'cause this will not be fun.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Here, I got it!
(alarm blaring)
This is every bit
of information about the
Blues and their soldiers.
- [Sarge] Can you erase it?
- I can, but Sarge,
maybe we should think
about this for a moment?
What happens if we delete the Blues?
- It means they never existed!
- But did you ever stop to think,
what does it mean to be
Red if there is no Blue?
If they never existed,
- My god!
- what's the purpose of even-
- This is the
best day of my life!
(button clatters)
(Simmons speaks indistinctly)
(computer screen buzzing)
(alarm blaring)
- You broke it!
- [Genkins] Sorry, lads,
your computer privileges
have been revoked.
So now, if you'd-
(computer screen whirs)
(alarm continues blaring)
(code chitters)
- Fine tech support, soldier.
(computer screen whirring)
(aircraft engine roars)
- Tex!
Don't do this!
(engine continues roaring)
(stammers) We've gotta stop her!
Right now!
(electronic flickering)
- Okay, where's the Genkins?
Who got the Genkins?
- No problemo, Blue!
Andy, you there?
- [Andy] I'm here, Coach!
- What's going on?
- [Andy] Tex is hooking up
Wyoming's helmet to the computer!
- [Sarge] Ready for your job, soldier?
- Andy, of course.
- [Andy] You bet!
- Alright then, son.
Do what you were born to do.
Detonate.
- [Andy] On second thought,
can we reschedule my death?
Why rush to a climax, you know?
- Preach!
- AWOL little a-hole!
That was a direct order!
- [Andy] Nah, they got an XBOX up here.
I think we're gonna chill!
- My testicles send their regards, Tex.
You metal bitch!
- [Genkins] Yeah, Tex here.
What he said.
Also, Church, you know, you're
the ghost of a weird dude
who created the robot
equivalent of a body pillow.
(rocket whooshing)
(Genkins speaks indistinctly)
- No!
(rocket continues whooshing)
(explosion booming)
- Yeah!
(gun clanks)
Give me a percussive vasectomy!
- You!
- Huh?
- [Church] Girlfriend killing fuck!
(Sarge moans ecstatically)
- Mother of god!
(alarm blares)
Better do it again, just to be sure.
(electronic flickering)
(computer beeping)
(chuckles) Oh, satisfied sigh.
Well, that's that.
Time for...
Time for the rest of my life, I guess.
(chuckles) Not fun.
What's not fun about time travel?
(alarm continues blaring)
(electronic whirring)
- Why did it have to be this?
(gun cocks)
- Surrender now,
and I promise only to kill the mercenary.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(gun cocks)
Surrender now,
and I promise only to kill the mercenary.
- [Grif] Oh, yeah?
You and what army?
- [Locus] The Federal Army of Chorus.
- Alright, what's different?
Locus is with the Feds,
Felix is acting all good guy,
and Freckles is fighting-
(intense whooshing)
(explosion booming)
- [Dos.O] Cómo se dice.
Engaging-o target-as.
- Great shot, Dos.O!
- [Tucker] What?!
That's not right!
- [Washington] Get to cover!
- [Felix] I thought that
thing was malfunctioning?
- [Tucker] It's supposed to be!
(rapid gunshots firing)
- Let's give our
bots some backup.
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Dos.O laughs maniacally)
(explosions booming)
(maniacal laughter continues)
- Target those drones!
- [Tucker] We're gonna win?
- [Washington] That's the spirit!
Keep pushing!
(rapid gunshots firing)
- [Tucker] Come on, think, Tucker!
How did we stop Dos.O last time?
- [Grif] Donut, toss me more future cubes!
- [Tucker] That's right!
It was...
Donut?
- [Donut] Yeah! (Laughs)
Who else wants a taste of the Big D?!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(explosions booming)
(gunshots continue firing)
- Sorry, everybody.
(gunshot blasting)
- Hey, where are you going?
- [Tucker] Genkins!
(Dos.O whirring)
- Que?
No!
How do you people keep finding me?!
(rocket blasting)
- Tucker!
- [Felix] What the fuck
is your robot doing?!
(uptempo instrumental music)
- [Tucker] Gods can't
hurt a Shisno, Genkins.
And your accent is shit!
(explosion booms)
(explosion continues booming)
- [Washington] What are you doing?
- [Simmons] They're pushing back!
(gun cocks)
- Our left flank
is completely open!
- [Tucker] Son of a bitch!
(explosion booming)
(radio static)
- Come on!
Everyone pull it together!
We can still do this!
- (sighs) No, you can't.
(detonator clanks)
(alarm beeping)
- [Felix] Everyone, down!
(explosion booming)
- [Caboose] Freckles, no!
(gun whirring)
(explosion booms)
(body thuds)
- Wash!
- You bastards!
Stay away from my men!
If anyone's gonna kill 'em,
it's gonna be-
(explosion booms)
- [Grif] Sarge?
(gun cocks)
(explosion booms)
- [Felix] Dammit, they got Donut!
Everyone, fall back!
- [Caboose] Where is Tucker?!
- [Lopez] Tucker, ¿que Pasa?
- [Tucker] Oh, Lopez!
I kinda forgot you were here.
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
I don't know what you said, Lopez,
but I'm sorry for this.
(gun clatters)
(intense dramatic music)
(gunshot blasting)
- [Felix] There was nothing
you could've done differently.
- Yeah, I know.
Wash just had to be on the
other side of that cave-in.
That's just how that moment plays out.
- [Felix] Well, that's
one way of looking at it.
- [Tucker] Still,
(grunts) it hurts to lose.
- That's war, Tucker.
Not everyone-
- Not everyone makes it back.
- [Genkins] Kill him!
- Who said that?
- [Felix] Not really a quote.
Just something I tend to say.
Guess you do too?
- Oh-
- Kill him
before he betrays you all!
- Where are you?!
- I told you, we're at headquarters.
Are you okay?
- [Genkins] Your armor's AI module.
But that's not important!
Picture it.
- Get out!
- [Felix] Okay, I can
see you need a minute.
- [Genkins] Your sword
sliding between his ribs,
finding his black heart.
Why not indulge your desires
before time crumbles around you?
- It won't, because Donut has a plan,
and I'm sticking to it!
(Genkins laughs maniacally)
- [Felix] Wait! What?
- [Genkins] Donut?
A plan by Donut
will surely lead us to
victory! (laughingly snorts)
- This was one of the
worse moments of my life,
but it reminded me of something.
I became a leader on Chorus.
And since we left it,
I've been trying to act how
I thought a leader should,
cool, macho, totally self-confident.
but somehow, I forgot that I wasn't
any of those things while
I was actually leading.
I was scared all the time.
Constantly second-guessing myself.
But when shit got bad,
I was the one to step
up and make a decision.
That's all it is.
And right now,
Donut's doing a better
job of that than anyone.
So yeah, I've got faith.
What've you got?
(Genkins grunts)
- [Genkins] This isn't over!
(electronic whooshing)
- [Felix] Okay, yeah, he
has so much concussion.
(electronic whirring)
- [Tucker] Hey, man!
You in there?
I mean, like-
- Yep!
Welcome to the rendezvous.
How'd it go on Chorus?
- We lost, just like we were supposed to.
- Donut?
(groans) What does it
mean when everything goes
kinda outta focus?
- It means you've made a paradox.
- Oh!
Neat.
No reason for asking whatsoever,
just, what if, you know,
theoretical, hypothetical,
I gotta go do something
not related to this?
Bye!
(electronic whirring)
We should build a water slide!
(footsteps departing)
- Ah, dear.
Maybe I haven't done a
good enough job explaining?
- Hey, you're doing great, man!
- I...
Really?
- Yeah!
I think I could re-learn
a thing or two from you.
- Wow!
(chuckles nervously) I
don't know about all that.
- Just take the compliment,
you angsty bitch!
(footsteps departing)
- Okay.
(electronic whirring)
(ominous growling)
I know that's you, Genkins!
(ominous growling intensifies)
Oh, boy!
Meta's scary.
(clears throat) Look, you can
possess the Meta, or Church,
or even our armor,
but you can only do one at a time.
And we're a team now.
We outnumber you.
You gotta stop.
(Meta menacingly growls)
I'll take that as a no,
but you should ask yourself,
is Chrovos gonna give you what you wanted?
Look how O'Malley ended up.
She doesn't share power.
She takes it.
What if all your work is for nothing?
(Meta growls)
(electronic whirring)
Oh, thank god!
For a second there,
I thought I was talking to the...
(Meta growls)
The actual Meta.
(Meta deeply growls)
- [Washington] I had no idea
our lives were so-
- Don't say it!
- Come on!
Fun!
Admit it!
And much needed friend time.
- I see you more as a
brother at this point.
- 'Cause you can't get rid of me?
(Carolina laughs)
Knowing your siblings were
a bunch of mad-cap AI,
I prefer friends.
(Carolina chuckles)
- (softly sighs) I know
we worked this out,
but I'm really sorry, Wash.
- Hey, you gave me some
time without a brain injury.
I'm thankful for that.
I'm at peace with what's next.
- [Carolina] What do you mean?
- (sighs) Our last mission.
- This is our last mission.
Wait, there's no mission here, is there?
(softly sniffs) You didn't
bring me here for that.
- No.
- You're going to fix the
last paradox, the original.
You're saying goodbye.
- Goodbye?
I was still me, wasn't I?
Cerebral hypoxia, it's manageable.
It's a small price to pay
for the universe, right?
Carolina?
- [Carolina] Yeah?
- You know I love you, right?
- (sighs) I love you too.
(electronic flickering)
(Carolina gently sobs)
(sniffs loudly)
(waves lapping)
(exhales forcefully)
(electronic flickering)
(portal whooshing)
(footsteps pattering)
- Ah, my second favorite companion.
- [Genkins] Oh?
- Don't feel bad.
I've known the utter silence
of confinement for longer.
(Genkins loudly sighs)
Sorry, dear, it's just I haven't
seen a new crack in hours,
and they seem to be disappearing.
Do you have something to tell me, Genkins?
- [Genkins] The Shisno,
they're awake.
- [Chrovos] What did you think of time?
- Look, I didn't factor
Washington into-
- Come on!
Opinions!
The order in which things
occurred, was that agreeable?
Can you think?
Did you know, that at the
moment of the Big Bang,
the universe occupied one small spot?
That time expands with space,
but in that moment
before space, still time.
A bath of it.
I long to pause it, to lie
there with truth and fact,
cause and effect cast
off, like tight clothes,
so overtaken with oneness!
But I no longer need that
little orgy, Genkins,
because you have utterly fucked me!
You have failed.
The gods will tear you apart.
My one remaining hope
is that they'll do it
somewhere in here,
so I can watch.
- Do you really think I don't have a plan?
You forced Donut back through time.
You decided where in time he was placed.
If I can do the same
to the Reds and Blues,
I can keep the blighters out of the way!
Have free reign to create
all the paradoxes I like!
- You don't have the power to do that.
- So give me more!
- That would require most of my energy.
Too much for me to even take back.
Are you an idiot, or do
you just think that I am?
- Without your full power,
I can't achieve anything
worth mentioning out there!
My best shot is freeing you!
Once you kill the Shisno,
and absorb their energy,
something I can't do-
- I'll be the more
powerful one again.
(giggles) You're a canny one.
We really are related.
(portal whirring)
- I don't see that you have a choice.
(intense whirring)
(Chrovos groans)
(intense whooshing)
(Chrovos yelling)
(electricity flickering)
(Chrovos moans)
(intense dramatic music)
- There's so little of me left.
Hurry!
- You know...
You know, I've just had
an even better plan!
Oh, go me!
- What?
- Okay, listen, listen.
Best plan ever!
I can't harm the Shisno,
but anyone a god can convince to can.
Any old cyclops seems to be able to
give them a proper thrashing!
Your Shisno firewall is a
bit shit, really, isn't it?
- [Chrovos] You...
You little shit!
(electricity whirring)
- (laughs) How about this?
I hold the Reds and Blues
somewhere out of the way,
then, weaken your prison again
til' it's ready to shatter.
Same old plan.
But then, I just, bink,
have the Shisno killed!
Drink up all that power for myself!
- No!
- But I'll come
and visit, Grandma.
Once I'm all juiced up on Shisnos,
I'll pry you out of there,
like an oyster, (laughs)
and slide you down my throat.
(electricity whirring)
(Genkins laughs maniacally)
Listen to me!
I've spent too long with Donut!
(continues laughing maniacally)
Oh, I love Donut.
He's great.
(intense dramatic music)
(rapid gunshots firing)
- This is it.
This is all that's left.
I'm ready.
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
(gun clatters)
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
(intense dramatic music swells)
(electronic flickering)
(intense dramatic music
continues swelling)
(gunshot firing)
(aircraft whirring)
- You can rest now, Agent.
(footsteps pattering)
Hello again, everyone!
Don't worry, don't worry!
You'll be back to your scheduled
programming soon enough.
Now, you may feel an
odd sort of sensation.
That is you not-breathing.
(bullet clatters)
I'm pausing this succulent little moment,
and holding you here for a bit,
just while I clear my to-do list,
now that I have all the time in the world.
(laughs maniacally)
Toodles! (laughs)
(intense dramatic music)
(rapid gunshots firing)
- I wasn't shot!
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
Hey, hey, shoot me!
(body thuds)
- (grunts) What are you doing?
- Trying to get shot?
- [Locus] Please, don't.
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
- [Grif] What the fuck just happened?
(gun cocks)
- God dang effective range!
(gun cocks)
And you, shotgun.
- Is that how I sound?
- [Past Sarge] Damn you,
projectile dysfunction!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Zealot groans)
(gun clatters)
(rapid gunshots firing)
(blow thuds)
(gunshots blasting)
(Zealots groaning)
- [Sister] Oh!
Oh, my!
Everyone get out!
I am gonna fuck that guy!
- Sit-rep.
- Genkins stopped me from being hurt.
Now he's keeping us here somehow.
I can't seem to jump to
other points in time anymore.
- (sighs) Okay, where's Donut?
- [Sister] Over there!
Look!
- [Past Donut] Yaahh!
- No, that's not our Donut.
Listen.
- [Past Donut] I wanna blow you...
- Okay, nevermind.
- Away!
(explosion booming)
- Where was Donut during this,
when you came to the past to rescue me?
- He...
(sighs) He left!
When we did this, Donut had already gone
to take on Chrovos.
(intense dramatic music)
- Whoa!
What...
What happened to you?
And why am I here?
- [Chrovos] Genkins, both accounts.
- He betrayed you? (scoffs)
- He betrayed me first, little bastard.
I need your help.
- What?
- Stop him.
- Why, because he's
gonna finish your plan?
- It doesn't matter who's doing it now!
Do you want my help or not?
- [Donut] How can you help me?
You're a mess.
- This was my plan.
I know how to stop it.
(footsteps pattering)
- [Past Sarge] You comin', Wash?
- Yeah, but my rifle jammed!
- Want one of my shotguns?
- No, I'm gonna pry the
chaingun off this Pelican.
- [Past Sarge] (chuckle) If he's single,
there's no hope for any of us.
- Okay, we can't seem
to leave this timeline.
Donut's gone!
What are our options?
- The Time Gun!
- (gasps) That's right!
(gun clanking)
(laser whooshing)
(portal sizzles)
Ow, fuck!
- Dammit!
Portals aren't working either.
We can't leave this place in time.
- [Washington] Wait,
hand me that Time Gun.
Grif, go in that hallway over there.
(footsteps pattering)
(portal whooshing)
Grif, can you hear me?
- Sure.
Hey, Simmons, maybe it was a fluke.
Try going through again.
(portal sizzling)
- Ow!
My dermis!
(Grif laughs)
Yeah, fuck you, Grif!
(gunshots firing)
- Hey, it was just a prank, bro!
- I set a delay of a millisecond.
It's basically real time.
It's like a video call.
- Okay, but who knows more
about this than we do?
(gun whirring)
- And fool me thrice, shame on me again!
Point taken!
But four times?
- If your stupid voice is
the last thing I hear...
Look, I'm not betraying you.
I wasn't going to destroy
the universe, or any of that!
I just-
- You just what?
- My children beat me with a club,
bound me with a hammer,
and encased me in cogs.
You don't do that for no reason.
I just wanted to see if
there was a better way.
And true, I would've torn the
starry curtain from its rings,
struck a single shrill
note of panic in my babies
to be stretched across-
- Wow, it's a miracle!
She's totally changed!
Gee, but I wonder how I ever doubted her?
- But I'm not a monster.
- You didn't mind ruining
our lives to change yours.
Just tell me how to stop Genkins!
- The club.
The club they beat me with.
- Club?
What club?
(electricity sizzling)
- That one.
(Donut gasps)
- (yells) That stings!
(electricity sizzling)
- Donut, we tried that.
Have you got the hammer and your Time Gun?
- I'm afraid not.
Donut and I share a timeline,
so when I comes here, it
is always the present.
- Whoa!
Is that Chrovos?!
Are you betraying us again?
- No!
And what even is the present now?
- Me.
I don't go to parties, dear.
They come to me.
- [Both] Cool.
- Chrovos, I caught the gist
of what you were saying.
This club's special.
- It bound me.
I assume you received it from the gods?
- Yeah, everyone else wanted a sword.
- You made a fine choice.
- Thank you, spooky nightmare.
So we use it on Genkins.
Where would he go?
- He could be anywhere,
and now we don't have Huggins
scouting out the Everwhen!
- Chrovos, Genkins did research, right?
He had a plan?
- Yes.
- Let's hope he's running
it from the start.
I remember Chrovos said, that
he made the second crack,
the second paradox, way
back at the beginning.
Church's first death.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(electricity whirring)
- [Genkins] And again.
We're live!
Places, people!
- What?
- Church?
- Oh, yes, I'm supposed to
say, "Hey, Rookie, good job",
but fuck it!
I'm here to break time!
(screams maniacally)
Hey, Sheila, you bitch!
- Are you talking to the tank?
- If you ever hit the
broad side of a barn,
I know a good taxidermist!
Get the fucker stuffed
and mounted for you!
- Dude!
- What?
Is that Church?
- [Sheila] Target acquired.
- Hello, history!
(gun cocks)
Let's fucking dance!
- Can't go back there.
What can we do?
- [Washington] Our
portals seem to let light
and sound through.
We can watch and listen.
- Great!
- Guys?
I shot at Grif through the portal.
- Of course!
We shoot Grif.
Why didn't I think of that?
- What I mean is, it's
not just light and sound,
objects go through too.
(suspenseful dramatic music)
- Wash?
- On it.
- Time to clog some pipe!
Bow-chicka-wow!
- Hey, Genkins?
- [Sheila] Firing main cannon.
(cannon blasting)
(explosion booming)
- Son of a bitch!
- What?
- Sheila, no!
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(portal whooshing)
- What?
- [Sheila] Firing main cannon.
- Son of a-
(cannon whooshing)
(Genkins thuds)
(screams out painfully)
(interposing voices)
- [Caboose] These graphics are awful!
- [Genkins] You fucking termites!
- Damn!
- [Genkins] You mortal dimwits!
(maniacally laughing)
You think you can stop time?
(continues laughing maniacally)
Time!
Time stops you!
(echoes reverberating)
(intense booming)
(intense dramatic music)
(Genkins laughs)
(groans loudly)
(club whooshing)
Good job speeding up
your deaths, dickheads!
(laughs) We weren't meant
to do this for like a week!
(continues laughing)
- Shoot the bastard!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Genkins grunts)
- May I finish?
(bullet clanks)
You know, with us swimming
around time together,
neither party able to progress,
y'all and I could've been immortal.
Did you consider that?
(gunshot firing)
(gun cocks)
- read the room, Genkins!
- Anywho!
I brought you somewhere special!
You don't have to thank me.
I hope you like labyrinths!
(laughing maniacally)
- Stick together, okay?
(sword whooshing)
No matter what he throws at us,
you're only as strong as
the person next to you.
- What?
(Sister screaming)
- [Caboose] Hello?
(sword whirring)
- Huh.
What?!
Guys?!
Where did you take them?
Bring them back!
(footsteps pattering)
(suspenseful dramatic music)
Hey!
Hey!
Guys, are you okay?
(footsteps pattering)
Where did you take them?
(floor thuds)
Bring them back!
(rain pattering)
- What?
No, no, no, no!
This has to be a trick!
I left.
Mom?
Mom?!
Mom, I'm so sorry!
(floor thuds)
I shouldn't have done it.
(floor whooshing)
- Who's there?
- No, no!
I got rid of you!
- Get what?
Do what?
- ¡Mantente alejado!
- No, please!
(Simmons screams)
- Take cover!
- No!
No way!
Not happening!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- A leader stands behind their
team for the good things.
In front of them for the bad.
Why am I still here?
(intense whooshing)
- They're where?
- Do these drab clouds usually rumble?
Where do you think?
They're in the Labyrinth.
- Well, that's great!
I'll just wait here
for them to get to us.
(Chrovos sighs loudly)
- How to put this with tact?
That would be a little like meeting a lamb
at the end of a slaughterhouse.
- Come again?
- We stay here, we die.
We retreat, we fall into a black hole.
- [Carolina] Oh, great!
- The Labyrinth is fiendish.
- I didn't expect the Labyrinth to have
quite so many...
(machine grinding)
(rapid gunshots firing)
Minotaurs.
- I think that one horn
makes them unitards.
It's French.
- Burnstorm built it to keep me in,
and it sort of runs on irony.
It doesn't kill them, not directly.
- Okay, listen up!
Donut, grenades from cover.
Hit the emplacements.
Once they're rattled, Lopez,
turn their gun mounts to scrap.
- [Chrovos] Imagine a cube
containing a light bulb,
lined with mirrors.
- Sarge, Tucker, Carolina, you're with me.
Everyone else, lay down cover when...
Right flank!
Carolina, on me!
Everyone pin 'em down!
- [Chrovos] It becomes unbearable inside.
- Alright, let's roll with the punches.
Everyone on us, counter attack right side!
- [Chrovos] Too bright.
- One at a time, we'll cover-
(rapid gunshots firing)
Get down!
(explosion booms)
- [Chrovos] Too hot.
- No!
- [Chrovos] In this case,
their emotions are the light bulb.
- You're zeroed, spread out!
- [Donut] And the Labyrinth is the cube?
- Carolina, (pants heavily) I need-
- [Chrovos] No, their minds are.
- No!
No!
- The Labyrinth is a
reflection of themselves,
where their own amplified
negativity overwhelms them.
Their only escape is to self-destruct.
- Listen to me, you bitch!
I can only assume some
fluke of time travel
brought you here.
But this Labyrinth ain't big
enough for the two of me, okay?
(footsteps pattering)
Nothing to say for yourself?
You know what?
We should talk.
I don't give a hot fuck if
this messes with the timeline!
You need to hear this.
I feel so much rage when I look at you.
You know that?
You prioritize yourself over everything.
You're going to get people killed.
Heck, you're going to kill people!
And they won't always deserve it.
Dad won't love you more
if you keep winning.
He can't.
He died when mom died,
and you'll bury him.
Your competitive streak stops.
I'm demanding it!
- Oh, you're done?
Okay, you got pretty talkative.
No need for the lecture.
I can read your whole, shitty life
from your whiny tone of voice.
- Oh, you think you're so-
- Directionless?
Scared?
No.
No, actually, I... (laughs)
I feel great.
Weird to hear all that from you, though.
Let me unpack this.
You've now tasted defeat, I'm assuming,
and you were, aww, sad for a while?
And you want people around as crutches
in case you trip again.
- [Carolina] (scoffs) When have I ever?
- Think about it!
Ever allied with someone I didn't need?
A friend in a high place?
A bolt-hole?
A wingman?
To forget how to utilize
people is to forget yourself.
Forget me.
And frankly, that'd be damning enough,
but you went further.
Carolina, you stripped away
what comes without thought,
what's instinctual, your passion.
What greater betrayal is there?
(footsteps pattering)
You're not you anymore.
(portal static hissing)
- My friends are too strong
to defeat themselves!
I mean, I know how
that sounds, but-
- they defeat themselves,
because they're strong!
They derive strength from righteous anger,
a memory of hardship, a fear
of the future, negativity!
The Labyrinth simply reflects
these motivations back at them.
- So let me out?!
- I can't.
I haven't the power.
- So take my Shisno-whatever!
I have a fragment of you,
so take it back and use it!
- It's not enough.
I'm sorry to say, but your
friends are isolated, tormented,
and some may already be dead.
I'm sorry.
(portal static hissing)
- Oh, I'd doubt that!
But you will be.
Did she tell you what this Labyrinth does?
- It's hurting them.
- Again, not physically.
More elegant. (evily laughs)
- I'm gonna get them out,
and then I'm gonna lock you in there,
somewhere your fears can eat you!
- (laughs) It's not just fears.
On occasion, it'll give
them something even nastier.
For some people, it gives them
what they think they want,
and it gets ugly! (evily laughs)
- [Office Worker 1] Hey, Sarge?
You get those documents?
- Sure did!
- [Office Worker 2] How are the kids?
- Oh, they're...
Yeah, they're kids.
- [Office Worker 3] Sarge,
we're gonna go get pho!
Are you in?
- Sure, why the pho not?
- [Office Worker 4] Hey,
did you send me that report?
- Technically, I'm on a break right now.
- [Office Worker 4] Oh, right now?
Yeah, that works!
Thanks!
(Sarge laughs heartily)
- Kill me.
(phone rings)
(phone continues ringing)
(cup clanks)
God dang office helmet!
(slurps loudly)
(sighs longingly) There's gotta be more,
more than city life,
mochas, and matcha cortados,
and tacos, and faux croissants!
Like the Army life, the life I dreamed of!
I could storm a beach.
Kill a Nazi!
(phone rings)
(sighs longingly)
(slurps loudly)
- Sarge?
- Yeah?
- [Office Worker] Landing in one minute.
- Right.
Wait!
Landing?
I'm sorry, I don't-
(screams loudly)
(continues screaming)
- 30 seconds!
(gunshots blasting)
(rapid gunshots firing)
(soldier groans)
(explosion booms in the distance)
(soldiers yelling)
- Whoa!
(Sarge yells)
Yah! Look out!
Ricochet!
Yow!
I take it back.
(bullets whizzing)
I take it back!
Please, God, I take it back!
- No!
No, no, no, no, no!
(whistle trills)
- Six o'clock, fat camp!
- Coach Prestwood!?
- We are 'ere to discover
what the Lord gave to you
instead of athleticism!
- I'm sorry I peed
myself climbing gym rope!
- Could you repeat that?
I couldn't hear you over....
(gunshots firing)
Bang, bang, bang!
- Ah!
- Via elimination,
and this here startin' pistol,
we'll work out what
you're good at, Puddles.
(gunshots firing)
(Grif yells)
Startin' with not dyin'!
If you fail this test, you
will be forced to try again.
- Oh.
- Once reincarnated!
(gunshots firing)
- No!
(footsteps pattering)
(panting heavily)
(grunts loudly)
(feet thudding)
No!
(grunts loudly)
(feet thudding)
(fire whooshing)
Aah!
(breathes heavily) No
more, please, please!
Lungs filling with blood!
(pants heavily)
(explosion booms)
(gags loudly)
(rocket whooshing)
(frightened yelling)
(Prestwood laughs)
- Rest is for winners!
(gun cocks)
(laughs maniacally)
(gunshot blasting)
(Grif yells)
(bullet whooshing)
- Don't get snipped by me snipper riffle!
(gunshot blasting)
Snip!
(Grif grunts)
Go on, lad!
You're doing it!
(maniacally laughs)
(Grif groans)
- You made me hate effort itself!
You are the worst gym teacher!
(dramatic instrumental music)
(gunshot blasting)
(Grif screams)
(rock thuds)
(Sarge screaming)
(rapid gunshots firing)
- Bangalorg!
Mangalord!
Starlord, Rocket Raccoon, whatever!
The explodin' tubes
from the "D-Day" movie!
- What-
(explosion booms)
- In my defense,
replacing a box of grenades
with a box of avocados
kind of is doing my job.
- [Simmons] Exactly how do you figure?
- Health is a war inside of us.
- I'm mostly just insulted
that you thought I wouldn't notice!
(punch whooshing)
- [Lopez] You wouldn't
notice your own reflection
without the help of a color wheel.
- Is that so, Private?
- Wait, what did I just say?
- Wow, Lopez!
This morning, you hog all
the food at breakfast,
and now you're disrespecting
your superior to his face?
- I don't eat breakfast!
I...
(smacking lips)
Do I have a taste in my mouth?!
- Private, you're about to taste my boot
up the back of your throat via your ass!
- Stop calling me Private!
You are not my superior.
I am a robot.
I am superior to all of you.
- Are you nuts?
Everyone knows the only
robot on Red Team is Gustavo.
(intense whooshing)
(metal squeaking)
(Gustavo speaks in Spanish)
(intense whooshing)
Ah, Gustavo,
you're the best!
- No!
No!
(footsteps pattering)
- [Genkins] And they'll
die willingly for duty,
self-sacrifice, or just
to take their destiny
into their own hands.
- Oh, why was I born a terrible meat sack?
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
(Lopez screams)
(portal whirring)
- Delicious! (giggles)
Don't worry, you'll join
them soon enough. (laughs)
- Don't say, "toodles".
- Toodles!
(portal whooshing)
- Well, that's that.
- What is this Labyrinth?
- A fearsome AI, a predator
that kills its prey with logic.
It rarely has to fight physically, Donut.
But when it does, I hear it really fights.
It's said, that if you
see one of its avatars,
you must kill it immediately,
quick as you can!
Because if it gets into
your head, you've lost.
- And if it's already in their heads?
- Yes, I'm sorry.
(intense dramatic music)
- Donut?
Look, I know you said
to stay out of the way,
but-
- Doc?
- Yeah, it's me!
Sorry.
- Why didn't you say anything?
- I've been politely
waiting for my turn to talk.
I kinda appeared here when you did.
How do I get over there?
- Doc's a Shisno.
Would his fragment of your
power, plus mine, be enough?
- Well, I can think of
better uses for it, but yes.
Donut, I think you just found
your way into the Labyrinth.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Ow, stop!
(Grif groans)
(uptempo rock music)
(rapid lasers firing)
(Grif yells indistinctly)
Ah!
(rapid lasers continue firing)
Okay, so slam, one, two, slam.
One, two, slam.
(object thuds)
(object continues rapidly thudding)
(Grif grunts)
(pants heavily)
- [Prestwood] Mate, blunder of a run!
(intense thudding)
Nice score on the Labyrinth's leaderboard.
What should I put as your initials?
- My last request is that it be A-S-S.
(object thuds)
(Prestwood groans)
- Shit!
- What?!
How?!
- [Donut] I heard you
needed to beat a guy off,
and I came right away!
(intense bubbling)
- Fuck!
What is happening?
(portal whooshing)
- [Chrovos] You were
about to kill yourself.
- I was?
Wait, are you on our side now?
- You may want to hurry and
stop your friends from dying.
I don't know what side I'm on.
- Whoa, dying?!
Where's Kai?
- Sister's going through
the same thing you were.
Grif, wait!
- He's got the right idea.
Doc, lets split up.
We'll hit different
parts of the Labyrinth,
and rendezvous later.
- Okay, okay, I can do this!
I can do this!
I can do this!
Right, Donut?
(footsteps departing)
- O'Malley, you're needed.
- It's Doc.
- Exactly.
Allow O'Malley out.
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(footsteps pattering)
(suspenseful dramatic music continues)
(footsteps continue pattering)
(light whooshing)
(panicked yelling)
(pants heavily)
- (laughs evily) Enough!
Let's show these fools
what true evil really is!
- I'm not letting you out!
- Without me, your hands are ornamental!
- That's not true!
- I get things done.
I'm more popular.
When you're not me, people are like,
"Hey, where's O'Malley?"
"Love that guy!"
Face it, you're my alter ego!
(evily laughing)
- Shut up!
I've got something to say to you.
If I suck, then you suck,
and if you're strong, then I'm strong too!
Difference is, I'm as
strong as both of us!
I own this body!
Now...
- Let's...
- Fuckin'....
- Do this!
- Grif, Lopez, Simmons,
Kai, Tucker, Carolina.
(Washington yells loudly)
O'Malley?
(explosion booms)
- Oh, he wishes.
(fire crackling)
(intense dramatic music)
- [Grif] Kai, why is the
Labyrinth showing you
our burnt out family home?
- Started small.
- What?
- It's not like in the movies, Dex!
There's no glow inside.
It's just dark.
Nobody in that room, but me and the knife.
- Whoa, you did this?!
- No, no!
I just didn't replace the smoke alarm,
and I got home, and-
- All my memories
were in there!
Fuck, Kai!
Where's mom living?
- The trailer park?
- What?!
Hey! You left!
You left us!
- I was drafted!
You're a fucking arsonist!!
- I'm not!
- Yes, you are, Kai!
You did this!
You're a fucking-
(gunshot firing)
(body thuds)
(gun cocks)
Kai?
- What's-
- Look at me.
- [Sister] What's happening?
- You're trapped in
your own head right now.
None of this is real.
- But I...
What?
I burned down our house, Grif.
(fire crackling)
- [Grif] No, you didn't.
I shouldn't have left you.
- But you were drafted.
- (sighs) No.
No, I needed more structure
than a bearded mom
and school could give me, so I enlisted.
I ran away.
- What?
- I didn't mean to run away from you too.
Cards on the table, I heard about this,
about the fire.
- What?!
- (sighs) I kept quiet,
'cause I couldn't face you.
I felt guilty,
guilty you had to go through that alone.
- (sniffles) You felt guilty?
- Do you (chuckles nervously) forgive me?
- (sniffles) Okay.
- Look, we can still talk about
this anytime you want, okay?
- (softly sobs) Does it have to be
in the charred ruins of our home?
- No.
In fact...
(gun cocks)
(gunshot blasting)
(intense bubbling)
Stupid fuckin' Labyrinth!
- Up yours, stupid labyrinth!
- [Grif] There you go.
- When we blow the sand bank,
I want you to clear
everyone from the bunker!
- [Soldiers] Yes, sir!
- I was only talking to Sarge!
- [Sarge] No, sir!
- That's an order!
- I think we're gonna have to agree,
to dis...
(gun cocks)
I'm agreeing with you.
And thank you very much
for this opportunity.
(laughs nervously)
This is it.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Sarge.
- Please don't smoke here!
(gunshot blasting)
(bodies thudding)
- Great cranial crapshoot!
Whoa!
Why are you guys in Normandy?
Cheese tasting, cider,
the Bayeux Tapestry?
- We're rescuing you from
what is clearly an illusion.
- [Sarge] But I got orders
to charge the bunker.
(intense bubbling)
- [Washington] Countermanded, soldier!
- Okay, listen!
This is inside Simmons' head.
My illusion was super
private, same as yours.
So whatever we see here
has to stay secret.
- (scoffs) Fine!
- Take this seriously!
- [Simmons] No, don't steal my penis!
I haven't even used it yet!
- [UFO] We will utilize your penis
for scientific experiments!
(Grif laughs)
- "Take this seriously!"
(Grif continues laughing)
- No, we should...
We should definitely help him, eventually.
- [UFO] Stop running!
(footsteps pattering)
- Hello?
(footsteps approaching)
Tucker!
- [Tucker] Hey, Donut.
- You...
You okay?
- [Tucker] Yeah!
Look, I defeated the Labyrinth.
- Oh, yeah, this illusion seems to be off.
Say, where's your sword?
- [Tucker] Oh, here it is.
- Can you turn it on for a sec?
- (laughs nervously) Why?
- 'Cause only Tucker can turn it on.
(intense dramatic music)
(gunshot blasting)
(body thuds)
- [Doc] Donut, are you okay?
(intense bubbling)
- [Donut] (gasps) Tucker!
- (grunts) Donut?
You came back!
- Yeah, man.
- Everyone was gone.
I had a panic attack and passed out.
Are they okay?
- Still got my penis.
- What?
- Oh, this is weird!
You guys have been, like, haunting me,
telling me you're dead,
and trying to get me to throw
myself into a black hole.
Obviously, not you, but-
- It's us, don't worry!
Now, jump off that edge buddy.
It's our way home.
Too soon?
- It's still happening!
(gun thuds)
(Sister wincing painfully)
- [Sister] Dick!
- Okay.
Caboose and Carolina are
still captive, or dead.
You all find Carolina,
and I'll find-
- Hi!
- Hey, Caboose!
- Hello!
Yeah, we already said that.
- [Washington] What
happened in there, buddy?
- Yeah, I think it was
trying to make me hungry,
but I didn't let it make me hungry.
So yeah, I won.
- [Grif] Caboose, it
was trying to kill you.
- Oh, thank god, 'cause I'm so hungry.
Let's get some pancakes!
- [Washington] Okay, let's do this.
Time to fight whatever
Carolina is afraid of.
- No, no, no!
- I'll just keep watch here.
- Or she may die.
- Fine!
- Oh, come on!
(footsteps pattering)
- All I'm saying is if you
can say dad died when mom did,
you're a hypocrite.
By that logic, you're dead too.
- Shut up!
- Freelancer's disbanded, huh?
And apparently, I didn't gain anything.
- Shut-up!
- Aside from self-doubt!
Whatcha' gonna do now, huh?
Get a desk job?
Pop out a baby?
What even are you?
- I'll tell you what
she isn't, trauma queen,
a figment of a freaky labyrinth.
She's not real, Carolina!
- I'm real.
You don't like what you see,
because I'm your reflection.
- A mirror, that figures.
(gun cocks)
(gunshots firing)
Two-dimensional.
Backwards.
(gunshots firing)
And what?
I'm meant to feel ashamed
when I look at you?
Well, you're damn right I do!
- [Sister] Snap!
- [Past Carolina] I'm
what you can no longer be.
(gun clanks)
- Yep.
And you're in my way.
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(gun clanks)
(footsteps pattering)
Leave her to me.
- [Sarge] Not a problem!
(firsts whooshing)
(both grunting)
(blow thuds)
(Carolina groans)
(backflip whooshing)
(feet thudding)
(Carolina grunts)
(fists whooshing)
(blows thudding)
(body thuds)
(intense dramatic music)
(blow thuds)
(Carolina groans)
(blows continue thudding)
(neck cracks)
(blows thudding)
(Carolina groans)
(blow thuds)
(feet shuffling)
(intense dramatic music continues)
(both grunting)
(air whooshing)
(body thuds)
(Past Carolina groans)
(body clatters)
(intense dramatic music continues)
(feet stomping)
(blows thudding)
(blows rapidly thudding)
(Past Carolina yelling)
(blows thudding)
(Carolina groans)
(blows continue thudding)
(air whooshing)
(body thuds)
(blows thudding)
(Carolina groans)
(intense dramatic music)
(explosion booms)
(Past Carolina groans)
(wall shattering)
(body thuds)
(wincing painfully)
(intense dramatic music)
(electronic static flickering)
(intense dramatic music swells)
(Carolina grunts)
(rubble thuds)
(Past Carolina groans)
(footsteps pattering)
(screams loudly)
(blow thuds)
(intense dramatic music continues)
(blows thudding)
(both grunting)
(blows continue thudding)
(both continue grunting)
(Past Carolina groans)
(blow thuds)
(blows continue thudding)
(intense ringing)
(body thuds)
- [Past Carolina] Admirable.
But you are weaker than me.
In this time, in this place,
you can't win.
- [Carolina] I don't need to.
(electricity hissing)
I found something stronger than strength,
more satisfying than
solitude and obsession.
I found people worth being strong for.
And right now,
any one of them could pop
you with a finger twitch.
- Say the word.
(intense bubbling)
- I have failed to do my duty.
- Your duty was to skulk around
in the dark and kill people.
- No wonder this thing
made a convincing me.
- I am no thing!
I am the Labyrinth.
Chrovos must not be set free.
- Oh, my gosh!
We're not trying to free Chrovos!
But the guy who brought us here is.
- I do not believe you.
- (groans) I came from
Chrovos' prison room.
Wouldn't I have done it already?
Think about it!
- [Genkins] Labyrinth!
What's taking so...
What do you think you're doing?
That club is mine, slave!
- I was merely holding it.
Why did you bring this item
into the Labyrinth, Lord Genkins?
It can harm your kin.
- [Genkins] Perhaps I'd
like to harm my kin.
- But the only member of
your family here is Chrovos.
- [Genkins] Oh, fuck me!
- None may release Chrovos!
(blows thudding)
(electronic whirring)
(club whooshing)
(intense dramatic music)
- [Genkins] What?
Stay back!
- Oh, we're done with back.
We're thinkin' forwards from now on.
- [Genkins] That's impossible!
That's...
(mumbles) Wait.
No, that's literally impossible.
There's only one golf club.
(Genkins groans)
(body whooshing)
(electronic bubbling)
(all gasping)
(groans) What is it with you people?!
I trap you in your past, you get out!
I get the powers of a god,
you skewer me with a golf club.
I drop you into custom-made nightmares,
and you make the nightmare
fight me with a golf club!
How are you like this?!
How do you do it?!
- Friendship?
- You can't beat us, Genkins.
You might've gotten Lopez,
but while we're united, you can't win.
- What?
- Lopez.
He fell from the Labyrinth.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no, he's alive!
If he died, then I'd have felt it.
I'd have been able to absorb his power.
- Well, he did die!
I saw it!
Oh, but black holes don't kill you.
They just take you back to
the beginning of the universe.
- They what?
- They go back to the beginning.
Huggins told us!
- Donut, for crying out loud!
- What?!
Huggins?
But I killed...
(gasps) That's how you kept finding me!
She survived!
She...
(frustratingly groans) of course!
No wonder Huggins survived!
The beginning of time.
Ah, what an idea!
Oh, if I were to go back
to the beginning of time,
I could break our stalemate,
gather strength over the
eons, as Chrovos did.
(evily laughing)
You are all just the noisiest,
most basic and boring
set of mortal peasants,
and I'd love to murder you all myself,
but given you're death-proof,
I'll settle for ensuring
you never existed.
(interposing voices)
- [Donut] Guys, wait!
Let him go.
- But-
- Toodles dickheads!
(laughs maniacally)
(air whooshing)
- Donut, what just happened?
- That was an elegant plan.
- Phew, good job I
figured that out in time!
And good job you can read minds.
And good job
that we did a good job-
- All right, shut up,
and tell me why we just let Genkins go?
What about justice?!
- Oh, he's going to prison,
but it'll be his kids
that put him in there.
- [Washington] Wait!
- (laughs) It's...
It's as though I just finished a puzzle.
- [Donut] I'm surprised you
guys didn't work it out.
I'm usually the last one to.
- You don't mean-
- Yeah,
it's a mind fudge, Wash.
But Chrovos had to come from somewhere.
- [Genkins] I am a god!
I am born of the gods themselves!
(object clanks)
I defeated Chrovos!
I am god!
I created the gods themselves!
I am Chrovos!
I am Chrovos!
I am Chrovos!
(gold club thuds)
- [Donut] So how does that feel?
- Not great.
- Well, I did what you asked.
Genkins wasn't allowed to succeed.
Instead, he failed so hard, he became you.
- [Sister] (laughs) Fuck!
- Huggins will tell the Cosmic
Powers about Genkins' plot
before it ever happens.
You might even have yourself a cell mate,
or yourself as a cell mate,
just as soon as we heal up the Everwhen.
Only one paradox left to go.
- I'm ready.
- Wash?
- It's okay.
Hey, guys.
I don't wanna be alone.
Will you...
Can you all be there
with me in Temples Base
when I get hurt again?
- You got it!
- We got you!
- 100%
- We'll be there.
- For you, absolutely.
- Of course!
- I'll bring the bandaids.
- For sure!
- As long as it's not
Tuesday between 1 and 12.
- I'll be there so hard,
there'll be two of me.
- (laughs) Thanks.
(footsteps departing)
(portal hissing)
♪ And me against you ♪
(portal whirring)
- The good news is, Wash is stable.
He'll be a little loopy forever,
but, you know, (chuckles
heartily) who isn't?
- And the bad news?
- Why do you gotta be so negative?
- Can we see him?
- Not just yet.
Save that enthusiasm, though,
'cause he's gonna have a rough few months.
- [Carolina] Yeah, (sighs) I remember.
- [Grif] You know, there
is a grief-themed pizza
at Sammie Raphaello's.
(interposing voices)
- Wash was shot!
- This is how I show love!
Donut, come on!
You'll eat pizza with me.
- [Donut] Nah, not this time.
I'm gonna go spend some time alone.
I've always been wrapped around
what everyone else was doing.
- I think you deserve that.
- Yeah!
I mean, I sure did go through
some awful traumatic stuff,
but technically, we closed
the time travel loop,
so it technically never happened.
Any of it!
So no biggie!
- My dang nosebleed's back!
- I sure will miss
knowing what's going on.
- I think I'll travel?
Maybe I'll see the universe?
- Yeah, as it turns out,
there's a lot of it out there.
(interposing voices)
- Yeah, we know.
- Tell me about it.
- Gods, time travel,
and all the black hole you'll want!
♪ Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow ♪
- [Tucker] And somewhere
in all of that, Lopez.
- Oh, man, I almost forgot about Lopez!
Where is he?
- He jumped off the edge of the Labyrinth.
Poor guy.
- Oh, whoa!
- Wait, doesn't that mean
he went to the beginning of time?
- Yeah, and he's non-organic,
so he'd just have, like,
floated there forever.
- [Carolina] Oh, god!
- Just Lopez and the dark
alone for billions of years.
Billions and billions of-
- Hola.
(interposing voices)
- [Simmons] That robot looks like Lopez!
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
- Lopez, wow!
You must've really seen some shit?
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
You know, it's a real shame
I don't speak Spanish.
♪ I am the one ♪
♪ Wounding me ♪
♪ Makes me grow ♪
♪ Makes me me ♪
♪ Call me a freak ♪
♪ Call me wrong ♪
- Thanks for checking out that
episode of "Red Versus Blue".
If you're looking for more RvB,
you can find it in the playlist below,
or you can go to the app,
and get it 24 hours early
by becoming a first member.
Remember, watching our content
wherever is convenient for you,
supports us in making
more great animated shows.
It's the same as when you like, sub,
and mash that bell.
"The Matrix Resurrections",
in theaters, and on
HBO Max, December 22nd.
- (scoffs) It's impossible
to dodge tennis balls
at this range!
(ball thuds)
- Huh, with that attitude.
Out of the way, Soldier!
I'll show you kids today how it's done.
(footsteps marching)
All right, give me your best shot!
(machine whirring)
(ball whooshing)
(uptempo electric music)
(metal clanking)
(balls whooshing)
(uptempo eclectic music continues)
(bones cracking)
Oh, no, I did it again!
My L4!
- Ooh!
- Gah!
- [Axel] Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!
- Don't look at him!
We're gonna need a medevac.
- Ooh!
(electronic whirring)
(intense dramatic music)
- [Donut] Private Donut
reporting for duty, sir!
Ready to fight some aliens!
- [Grif] A couple things here, rookie.
First off, Private Donut?
I think somebody needs a new nickname.
And secondly, what's with the armor color?
- [Donut] This is the standard issued red.
- There's only two types of people
who wear standard issue armor,
officers, and the....
- Really trustworthy and likable people?
- Hey, I'm the suck up around here!
Don't step on my territory!
- I'm sorry, sir!
It won't happen again!
- What did I just say?
- Hey, Grif, you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just...
I got the weirdest sense of déjà vu again.
Why does this keep happening?
- I've been getting it too.
Man, I bet the Blues never
have to put up with this.
- I didn't feel anything.
- [Grif] Nobody asked you!
- [Tucker] You know what?
Forget what I said before.
We can definitely pick
up chicks in this thing,
probably two or three-
- Probably two or three
chicks a piece.
Yes, your heterosexuality
has been noted, Tucker.
- Man, what's your deal, Church?
You've been acting like
a real asshole today.
- Yeah, well, can you remember a time
when I haven't been an asshole?
- Good point.
- See?
There you go!
Ya dummy!
- Sounds like good,
old-fashioned Church to me!
- Shut up, rookie!
You just got here.
And we don't need any suck ups,
like that maroon guy over on Red team.
- All right, sorry, sir.
- What did I just say?
- Both of you shut up!
Caboose, why don't you head inside,
and stand next to the flag?
We're expecting a general to visit today.
Make sure you give him whatever he wants.
- Oh...
- Just do it, Caboose!
- [Caboose] Yes, sir!
(footsteps departing)
- [Tucker] Hey, Church?
- For the love of...
What, Tucker?
- How'd you know the
rookie's name was Caboose?
- (laughs) What?
He said it like 10 times.
- But he's been here like five minutes.
(footsteps pattering)
(electronic whirring)
- Grandfather!
Knock, knock.
Oh, what a cock up!
That irksome toy!
And that idiot.
A hammer that makes presents.
(metal clanks)
(Genkins chuckles)
Ridiculous!
- [Chrovos] Genkins!
- Chrovos, there you are!
I never can spot you in here.
Could you please be larger?
- [Chrovos] Do you bring
good news from the past?
- (laughs) Nope!
Also, why am I doing this again?
We were meant to be done by now.
- [Chrovos] There was a complication.
If you want this over quickly,
then there's the door.
- Sorry, where?
- There!
There is the door!
(Genkins laughs)
- I'm sorry, are you
pointing at something?
- [Chrovos] Yes, I'm pointing to it.
- You're a ball!
How are you pointing to it?
Will you please take a
proper physical form?
- Oh, for crying out loud!
(electronic whirring)
There!
- That would get weird.
- This would get weird,
wouldn't it?
Fine!
Here.
(electronic whirring)
- You haven't seen many people
over the eons, have you?
That form is a bad idea,
and I'll show you why.
Say something.
Anything.
- I am Chrovos!
Ooh, oh, my god!
- Horrible!
I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
- This a disaster!
Oh, wait.
I've been meaning to try this one.
(electronic whirring)
There we are.
The shape of vengeance itself.
An hourglass figure. (sighs)
Too on the nose?
It's a time reference.
- Grandfather, I don't
even know where to start.
- So don't.
Why should you get all
the shape-shifting fun?
- What do we do with the Shisno?
And incidentally, who named them Shisno?
It's a derogatory term for human, right?
- The prophecy predicted
they would be human,
and the Fates are, I guess, racist?
Leave him to me.
He's just where I want him.
- On his back and unconscious?
- No!
(scoffs) Will you get back to work?
(dramatic instrumental music)
- [Donut] Oh, wow!
What happened?
- Oh, still alive?
Hmm.
(electronic whirring)
(Donut yells frighteningly)
(rapid gunshot firing)
(continues yelling)
- (pants heavily) I...
I don't-
- Oh, I love this.
Gods can't kill Shisno.
I was just releasing
some pent up aggression.
While you have that
fragment of Chrovos' power,
you're like the world's best stress ball!
- I'd prefer if I wasn't.
- Oh, just one more reason
I'm glad to have you!
I know I had my doubts
about credit where it's due.
From one relative of Chrovos
to another, well done.
- I don't understand.
- I'd love to stay and explain,
but (laughs) nope, that's a lie!
You're so boring!
Tootles!
(footsteps departing)
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut yells)
- Hey, just 'cause it
doesn't hurt physically
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt emotionally!
- [Chrovos] You struck me with a hammer.
- [Donut] (gasps) Chrovos?
- I resurrected you from my own essence.
Do you know what that hammer did?
- Did it give you a sex change?
- You owe a debt of pain too
large for one mortal life.
Your friends will pay dearly
for this, young Donut.
- Pay dearly, for what?
You got out, Chrovos!
You're
(gunshot blasting)
free?
(gasps) it worked!
You're not free!
In your face, you spooky freak!
I knew I could do it!
And technically, no one can disprove that!
I saved the...
The universe.
Ah, there's more to it, isn't there?
- Yes, Donut.
True, the hammer touched me,
binding me to this place,
but too late, your
friends broke time itself.
- (gasps) My friends!
Are they okay?
(Chrovos laughs)
- No.
And it's not just your
friends at risk now.
- Humanity?
- Bigger.
- Earth?
- I said, "Bigger".
- (gasps) America?
- Light has yet to reach the
depths of your ignorance.
Look, this mark here is where your friend,
Washington, was it?
This was where he was saved.
(electronic whirring)
(Donut gasps)
- [Donut] Wash!
(gunshots blasting)
They did it!
They saved him!
- And utterly shattered
time in the process.
- Ah, they did it?
They saved him!
- Your very lives are now
the weakness in my prison.
Your shared history was the backswing
before the hammer strike.
And there's now a period of
soft time to be traversed,
interfered with, poked at, to
create alternate timelines,
each another crack in my prison.
Look.
(electronic whirring)
- Church?
Oh, this is where Church
is killed by a tank.
Why are you showing me this?
- [Chrovos] Listen.
(electronic whirring)
- I'm going for the jeep!
Cover me!
(Donut gasps)
- Say it.
- That's not Church!
- (evily laughs) No.
(gunshot blasting)
- Son of a bitch!
(explosion booming)
- Son of a bitch!
(parts clattering)
- (giggles) Son of a bitch!
- [Tucker] Church?
- [Chrovos] Things are going to get
very strange in your past.
- Church, what are you doing?
- [Chrovos] Though your
friends don't realize it,
they're reliving their past, on rails.
(explosion booming)
It's as though
they're re-reading a story,
and they're in the story with them,
playing whomever he pleases!
- [Church] Genkins.
- [Sheila] Firing main cannon.
(gunshot blasting)
(tank thuds)
Turret blockage.
Cannon offline.
Please return-
- Son of a bitch!
- [Sheila] For repair.
- Possessing AI-ready individuals.
Unmaking history.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Tucker] Whoa, that's the
coolest shit I've ever seen!
- Phew, that was close.
(tank clanks)
- And creating paradoxes,
(electricity cracking)
ultimate timelines,
methodically rupturing the
integrity of time itself.
(electricity continues cracking)
Freeing me crack by crack.
- Mother of gosh!
- But there's something for everyone.
Let's see, in this ultimate
timeline here, mmm, Tucker.
With someone to look up to,
your teammate finds his footing
as a leader much earlier.
I am Lavernius Tucker!
And you will fear my laser sword!
Whoa!
(explosion booming)
- It is his undoing.
He is eventually killed
while trying to leap a
tank over a battleship,
but he lives a powerful and
confident existence, briefly.
- That's not such a bad life.
(electronic whirring)
- [Chrovos] And in this timeline,
it appears Caboose wound
up on the Red team.
- Sergeant!
You are my very best friend.
- And you're like the
delightful pet cat I never had.
Muffy!
- Ah, that one's nice.
- Very!
And every one of them serves me.
I'll be free in no time. (evily laughs)
- Nuh-uh.
- Interesting counterpoint, Donut.
Oh, please, do tell me more.
- I'm gonna stop you!
- Doubtful.
Your past has nothing in store for you,
but a mouse drum of time flowing
in every direction at once,
that, and utter disappointment.
Your friends lack our
perspective, let's say.
Any attempts to free them
will only create paradoxes.
- (grunts) I hate you, time travel!
- You would be able to
travel as Genkins does,
possessing iterations of yourself
anywhere along this crack
period, this singularity...
Oh, what should we name
this original crack here,
the one representing you
and your friends' lives?
- (stammers) I don't-
- Come on!
Humor me!
This is a collaboration!
- The Everwhen?
- (scoffs) No!
Anyway, I'm telling you all this,
because your meddling
will hasten my release.
Have at it!
Yesterday, you'll wish you
started tomorrow. (laughs)
A little time traveler motivational there.
- I can't just do nothing!
I have to try!
(groans) Screw around with me,
but don't screw around with my friends!
If anyone's gonna do any
screwing around here,
it's me screwing you!
I'm gonna save my friends.
- [Chrovos] (laughs) You're
extremely welcome to try.
(footsteps pattering)
- [Donut] I'm coming!
(Donut screaming)
What?
What's happening to me?
(intense dramatic music)
Was that Valhalla?
Hey, Caboose!
- [Caboose] Ah, pink.
(electricity whirring)
- Am I just seeing things as I name them?
Wash with a beard!
(electricity whirring)
Canadian Lopez!
(electricity whirring)
Wait a minute.
I remember this.
These are memories!
Okay, focus, Donut.
Time's happening all at once.
Just gotta concentrate on
one memory and stay there.
A strong memory.
Think, Donut, think!
(Donut grunts)
(static buzzing)
(object thudding)
(Donut groaning)
(body thuds)
- Donut?
- [Donut] Why did it
have to be this memory?
- Donut, no!
Donut!
Donut, are you okay?
Come on, breathe, Donut, breathe!
Why did you do that?
What's wrong with you?
- [Donut] It's okay.
I'll just focus myself
on some other memory.
(electricity whirring)
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut cries out)
(body thuds)
- [Simmons] Donut?
- [Donut] Still getting the hang of it.
- [Simmons] Donut, no!
Donut!
(gunshot blasting)
- Oh, come on!
- Donut?
Donut, no!
(electricity buzzing)
- They are the Fruit Loops,
(electricity whirring)
and you're just the
generic brand Sugar Rings.
(Donut groans)
Donut, you okay?
- Just a little hemorrhage.
(groans painfully)
- You have internal bleeding?
- Blood's meant to be internal, right?
So no biggie.
- There's no bigger biggie!
This is the biggest
biggie that ever bigged!
- Anyway. (playfully laughs)
Doc, that was a great thing, situation,
or, and/or activity
you were talking about.
- What?
- But I have
some important news!
Where am I?
Temple's underwater base?
Of course I am!
Guys, this is life or death.
I need you to listen.
- I actually wasn't finished,
but okay, whatever.
- Y'all!
Gather around me, okay?
Guys?
- Nah.
- Nah?
- I just value my time, Donut.
- What do you mean?
- Every time you talk,
it's like a buffet of sex gags,
and today I, me, Tucker, of all people,
just do not have any more
patients for innuendo.
- In-my-endo?
- Ah, see?
That's exactly-
- Donut, what I think
Tucker is saying is, he'd
like half as many entendres.
- I don't get it.
- I wanna say, ambiguous,
but that contains big, you, and us,
and I'm real nervous about
what you'll do with it.
- I'm sure I don't know what you mean!
Guys!
- Here it comes.
- We are inching towards
an explosive climax!
- That! That is what I mean!
- Fine!
Gosh darn it, fine!
I'm leaving!
- Good! Go!
(electricity whirring)
So?
- [Donut] Hi!
- [Tucker] But...
Are you-
- Why is everyone
looking at me?
(Tucker groans)
Is there something on my face?
Is there a spider on me?
- There's no way I'm
givin' up the Grif Shot!
- Oh, please!
What were you gonna do, eat off it?
- Actually, dickhead,
I asked Donut to mount
it for me in the base.
- And you know I can't resist
(electronic whirring)
a good mounting!
Wow!
- You okay, man?
- Yeah, just reliving every
sentence I've ever said.
Huh, Tucker was right about me.
- That's a good rule of thumb, actually.
- Anyway!
Guys, listen!
I've come from the future!
(dramatic Western music)
- [Washington] Okay!
What were we saying?
- Hey!
- Well, I was
gettin' to my plan for crashing
the Freelancer facility!
(sighs) But I seem to have lost
my train of thought, Donut!
- Guys, I have something to tell you!
Are you ready?
- I had a speech prepared
and everything!
- Yeah?
- [Sarge] Yeah, but it's gone.
- Aw, go on!
Let's hear it!
- [Sarge] (chuckles) Well,
okay, let me think here.
- [Washington] I'm sure
it's gonna be great.
- [Sarge] Oh, stop it, you!
- Why does no one listen to me!?
You're listening to Wash, and he shot me!
- (chuckles nervously)
That was a long time ago.
- Multiple times today!
I'm sorry.
It's been a weird three minutes.
(exhales loudly)
I'm just gonna-
(electronic whirring)
And action!
- [Simmons] Greetings, weary traveler!
We represent the timeline!
- I am the past, where things cost less,
and people knew the value
of a hard day's work,
but they only lived to be
twenty-eight years old!
(electronic whirring)
- Okay, let's try again.
I'm from the future!
- Hey, that's my line!
- And I'm the present, which sucks,
because we have nothing
cool, and also, no morals.
- Guys, I have a message from the future!
- You're supposed to be the narrator,
and I'm supposed to be from the future.
- No, I'm from the future!
- I'm from the future!
- And I am Private Tucker,
enter stage left, hello!
- I'll be in my trailer. (groans loudly)
- Sarge, just a sec!
I now realize, that at this
very moment, right now,
you are acting in a play to
explain time travel to Tucker.
- Oh, is that what this is?
- And maybe this is the worst
moment in my entire life
to attempt to explain this, but here goes!
(breathes deeply)
I am from several years
from now in the future.
That means I'm currently possessing
a version of myself
from several years ago.
I can perceive multiple times at once,
and move between them,
maybe because I'm technically
a creation of the time god, Chrovos.
- Lord above.
- Who was a big heap of shiny cogs,
or a big A.I. robot ball, not sure,
but is now a big and
sexy frightening lady.
- I'm listening.
- Right now, you're reliving your lives,
stuck in a period of fluid time
I'm calling the Everwhen.
(eagle screeching)
- The Everwhen?
- The Everwhen.
(intense dramatic music)
- (scoffs) Sounds like a Pearl Jam album.
- Ha, right?
Or a Neil Gaiman novel. (chuckles)
What? I read.
- This sounds believable
to me, for some reason.
- Yes!
Thank you!
- Are you high, or an idiot?
- It just sounds familiar, okay?
Besides, we do weird shit all the time.
A bomb literally just
blew us into the future.
- Actually, that's not true,
but we won't learn about that
for at least-
- Oh, Grif,
you fat, fat-headed, fat-mouth fatty!
This is Donut we're talkin' about!
- Yeah, he's an unreliable narrator.
- The vegetarian option
on the menu of life.
- (groans) Gross!
- He's like quinoa!
- You made your point.
- I'm not!
(exhales loudly) Guys, please!
In this Everwhen, everything
is happening at once,
but you can't see that, because
you're stuck inside of it.
But if you can all realize
that you're, like, on rails,
you could maybe get your
future memories back,
and, like, focus yourself
into important times
and places with me,
and together, we could stop
Chrovos' grandson, Genkins,
the trickster god,
from creating freaky alternate timelines
that are breaking a magic glass wall
in Chrovos' black hole
space prison that...
(sighs) You're never
gonna believe me, are you?
- You are off-script,
and you're ruining my life.
- Ah, if you're from the future,
what am I thinking about right now?
- I don't know!
- Oh, my God!
I don't know either!
- Donut, I may not say this often enough,
but shut up forever.
- I know how it sounds!
- If you did, then you'd shut up!
- Sarge?
- Shut, and I cannot
stress this enough, up!
- Why won't you give me a chance?
- I'm gonna answer your
question with a question!
Shut up?
- Sarge-
- Shut!
- I-
- Up!
♪ Shut, shut, shut ♪
♪ Up, up, up ♪
(Donut frustratingly yells)
♪ Shut up, Donut ♪
(electronic whirring)
♪ Shut up ♪
(dark ominous music)
(static hissing)
(Chrovos laughs)
- And he came directly home.
(footsteps pattering)
- No, I got shot by Wash
a couple more times!
- Either way, sterling work.
(whimsical tones)
Here. See?
The cracks are fine and
small, but very much there.
Teeny weeny paradoxes.
What would I do without you?
My hero!
- You're just being fake
nice to me to freak me out,
and I wish you'd stop.
- (chuckles) You have me all wrong.
- I'd doubt it!
- Indulge me for a moment, Donut.
Do you know how long an eon is?
Simple question.
Do you know how long an eon is?
Scientifically speaking,
Donut, it's a billion years.
Twelve million mortal
lives lived end-to-end.
It's a wonder I remember my own name!
I'm not being nice to freak you out,
I'm just glad something's
finally happening!
Anything at all.
Your attempts to contain me are useful,
but all the same, I'd like you to stop.
It pains me to see my champion so sad.
- Why won't they just listen to me?
- Darling, when have they ever?
And even if they did, they're trapped.
They don't perceive time as we do.
- So there's nothing I can do?
- No, I'm sorry.
- You're gonna get free,
and destroy everything!
- Un-make everything.
But it won't hurt, I promise you that.
Don't feel bad, my boy!
You just have no distance left to run.
Time became chaos
from the second the paradox
was created backwards.
- And...
After that?
- Hmm?
- You said, "Time's all weird
from the paradox backwards".
What about after the paradox?
What's happening in that time?
- Oh, nothing.
- Nothing?
- (laughs nervously)
Nothing worth mentioning.
Two realities clumsily jostling for space
where the paradox both
did and didn't happen.
Where are you going?
(footsteps pattering)
- [Donut] Nowhere.
Just stepping out.
- [Chrovos] Donut?
- [Donut] For a walk
outside of the Everwhen!
- Are you listening?
(gun clatters)
- (laughs) Yeah!
I know, right?
- Put that down.
- Do you not want me to go to the time
after the paradox, Chrovos?
- (laughs) Oh, it's chaos!
Two realities at once?
(Chrovos continues laughing)
- One where Wash was shot,
and one where he wasn't?
- Exactly!
Precisely!
- And right there between them,
a guy, who both was and wasn't shot?
A person outside of time, like us, right?
(dramatic instrumental music)
That's what I thought.
(gun cocks)
(laser blasting)
- Donut, hold on!
Wait, wait!
Donut, wait, don't go down the portal.
Don't (mumbles).
(portal thuds)
Dammit!
(portal whirring)
- Hello, Chorus!
(birds chirping)
Wash?
Agent Washington?
Yoo-hoo!
David?
(woodpecker rapidly taps)
(groans) I know Wash
would have gone to Chorus.
I guess he's just not in this canyon?
Welp, ready to search
an entire planet, Donut?
I sure am!
(intense whooshing)
- [Genkins] A prince from the sky,
son of Cosmic Powers,
in the shadow of a feckless father
with such potential, never understood.
A joke!
A tiny joke!
- [Junior] Blarg Honk?
- [Genkins] Nobody understands
you as I do, Junior.
- Honk?
- What?
No, I was talking about you.
- [Junior] Honk.
(Genkins groans)
(electricity sizzling)
Here.
(Junior laughs excitedly)
- Honk, honk, honk!
- Happy birthday.
(electricity whirring)
(explosion booms)
- [Santa] What do you know?
- [Locus] I don't know.
- [Santa] Then what do you want to know?
- [Locus] I want to know
what Felix is afraid of.
(Santa chuckles evily)
- [Possessed Santa] Knives.
- Knives.
Felix is afraid of knives?
- [Possessed Santa] Petrified.
- Felix has throwing knives.
- Plain old knives 'til
they're in his hands,
then he panics.
- And then he-
- And then he throws them.
- I see.
Well, I'd better go and help Felix (sighs)
kill some more innocent people.
- I will see you later, alligator!
(maniacal laughter) Work your magic!
(Locus scoffs)
(maniacal laughter continues)
(electricity whirring)
I love my job.
(machine clatters)
- [Genkins] Acquiring new targets!
(gunshot firing)
(explosion booming)
(gunshots continue firing)
(uptempo rock music)
(intense whirring)
(explosion booming)
(rapid beeping)
(intense whooshing)
(machine thuds)
- [Receptionist] So
your friend was injured?
- [Donut] Yes and no.
- You really need to pick one.
- [Grey] Franklin Delano Donut!
- Hey, Dr. Grey!
- What brings you here?
Are you dying?
(Grey giggles)
- Nah!
I'm looking for Agent Washington.
- Wash was just here.
- (sighs loudly) Okay, he's nearby.
Well, how is he?
- Fine.
- And his injury?
- His what?
- He had shooting pains from a shooting.
Mmm, uuhh, cerebal hyploxia?
- Oh, you know, he did come
in complaining about neck pain
a few months ago.
- Yeah, that's it!
- But we could never
find any sort of injury.
- Oh.
- We kept discharging him,
and then readmitting him,
'cause he would insist
that he had been shot,
but then he just changed his story.
He never really did get treated.
He's been acting really odd since.
- Oh, no!
Wait!
If he wasn't a patient,
then why was he here?
- To write me a fat check!
(imitates air horn blasting)
- A check?
- Wash funded a whole new
wing for the hospital!
- He what?
- [Grey] You've got to see it!
(indistinct murmuring)
If the hospital was a
bird, it'd fly in circles!
- [Donut] How?
- 'Cause it'd have one long wing.
(cymbals clattering)
- No, how did he pay for it?
- UNSC grade medical insurance is no joke.
Yours truly got creative
with his assessment,
and they paid him mega compensation.
Like what?!
- But I thought
he wasn't injured?
- And his insurance
don't need to know that!
Wink!
I put him down as being
de-armed, castrated,
and generally bothered
in the line of duty.
I wanted to make sure he's taken care of
since he's been kind of wobbly
ever since he-
- He went without treatment
for a brain injury he
both did and didn't have.
- But at least he's rich.
On my suggestion,
he's funding a giant
walking cannon for funerals!
- For funerals?
- Blasts you straight into the ground,
or space, or the ocean, if
you've got a foot fetish.
So folks at the beach
paddlin' you up forever.
- [Nurse] Doctor, we
need you in the theater.
- I'm busy!
- After death care is
a pet interest of mine,
and by extension, Wash, who
suddenly loves my ideas,
project's burnin' through cash,
like a fire at a money store.
- Don't you mean the bank?
- But it's not like
it's my money, so-
- Dr. Grey!
I think by not treating Wash,
you may have inadvertently given him
a worse case of cerebal hybloxia.
- Well, what do you get for
the man who has everything?
- I should find him, quick.
- Fine.
I guess I have patients to heal.
- Wait, wait, wait!
where does Wash live?
- Oh, yeah!
He lives kinda up.
- Up?
- Up!
You can't miss it!
(elevator dings)
(doors whirring open)
(footsteps pattering)
- [Butler] Do you have an appointment?
- Hi, I'm from the Giant
Walking Cannon Funeral Company.
- [Butler] Ah, Elon, right this way.
(footsteps pattering)
(electricity sizzling)
Master?
A visitor!
- [Donut] Hey, Wash!
- [Washington] Who said that?
- [Donut] It's me, Donut!
(electricity sizzling)
- I knew a guy named Donut!
- Yeah, it's a pretty common name.
- Wait!
Donut?
What are you doing here?
How'd you find me?
- Dr. Grey, she told-
- Oh, Emily!
She tell you about the cannon?
(Washington heartily laughs)
- She-
- Right into orbit,
or the ocean!
- The ocean!
Yeah!
- Ah-maz-ing!
- Wash, are you okay?
- Fine.
Wait!
Where are we?
Whose pool is this?
- I think it's yours, maybe.
It could be leasing.
- What?
That can't be right.
I-
- Wash, I don't know
how to tell you this.
(Washington eerily laughs)
I mean, I do,
but I think you're flicking between
two versions of yourself,
and you just became the one
whose brain is oxygen-starved.
- Funeral cannon!
- Yeah, funeral cannon.
- Emily's a smart cookie,
and you're a Donut!
(maniacally laughing)
Wait.
(electricity flickering)
- What was I saying?
- Wash, something is very wrong with you.
- I know.
Wait!
Do I know?
- [Donut] Okay, Wash, you
were shot in the neck.
- Yes.
(electricity flickering)
No!
- You walked into enemy fire
and were shot in the neck.
(electricity flickering)
- Correct.
- But also, you have never
been shot in the neck.
- No, never.
- So you remember being
shot and not being shot?
- Yah!
Yeah, but-
- How can you have
both those memories?
Think about it!
Wash, were you shot or not?
- Whoa!
Wait!
Whoa!
(electricity whirring)
Donut, what the hell?!
How did I-
- Oh, my gosh!
I think I just fixed it!
- Fixed what?!
- You were experiencing
two separate realities,
but, like, at the same time.
I think by making you aware
that you know something impossible,
I just combined,
or wait, removed-
- Collapsed a
probability wave.
(Washington yells)
Like Schrödinger's cat,
or a sealed envelope of exam results.
- Who the fuck is that?!
- I don't know!
That's your butler!
- Donut, what the hell is going on?
And if Carolina sent you
here to bring me back,
she can forget it!
She and I are never speaking again.
(gunshot whirring)
- [Donut] It's bigger than that.
Come on!
(footsteps departing)
(portal whooshing)
- Master Washington?
May I humbly request
my next paycheck early?
I was wondering if-
(portal whirring)
Well, that's just friggin' perfect!
(footsteps departing)
- [Donut] Okay, so with
everything I've told you in mind,
is this still making sense?
- Whoa!
That's-
- Bananas?
Ba-nay-nay?
Nayners bananers?
- I was gonna say, impossible to believe,
but I was a rich funeral
cannon tycoon a few hours ago,
so what do I know?
(sighs softly) At least I seem to be
back up to fighting speed.
I feel like we're gonna need
all hands on deck for this one.
So how exactly do we recruit
the other Reds and Blues?
Take the Time Gun back to
Blood Gulch and kidnap them?
- No, see, we're still in the time
after you were and weren't shot.
Everything before that is sort of a
category five hurricane of our memories.
You can thank Chrovos for that.
Well her and me.
- Chrovos?
He...
She's the one pulling the
strings behind Genkins?
We just need to get to
her and take her down?
- The first part of that is easy.
(portal whirring)
It's the second part
that's leaving me a little stumped.
(footsteps pattering)
- Donut, as a freelancer,
I've developed something of
a sixth sense for danger.
In short,
(intense dramatic music)
who is that?
- That's Chrovos.
- Donut, dear, aren't you
going to introduce your friend?
- Wait!
This is the place?
This is inside a black hole?
- [Donut] I realize it's a lot to take in.
- [Washington] And she's some kind of A.I?
- My children may be A.I,
but I am time itself, young man.
- [Donut] She loves
sayin' stuff like that.
- Would you prefer, Donut,
that I'm a birthless fractal algorithm
inside the time stream?
Is that easier to grasp?
- No, obviously.
- Donut, this is a little
beyond pirates and mercs.
- And yet, you're...
♪ Very much involved ♪
(electricity whirring)
(Donut gasps)
Your good help was the first
crack in my prison, Wash.
The rest of these were a group effort.
Donut helped.
- Donut what?!
- He betrayed the Reds and Blues.
It was great.
- I tried to fix it!
She told me I could travel
back through my past
without a time-portal
gun, but It was a trick.
I tried to snap the guys out of it,
but I only made it worse.
- But you could travel without
a time-portal gun, right?
- Yeah, 'cause she wanted
me to make more paradoxes.
- No!
I don't know gods, lady,
but I know strategy.
Donut, I remembered something
I couldn't possibly know, right?
That's how you saved me.
That works!
That's what you tried to
do to the Reds and Blues.
- Yeah, but they wouldn't listen.
You know them.
- But it worked on me!
I'm a Shisno.
They're all Shisno.
You were on the right track.
So if it works, and if that's our weapon,
why tell you where to use it?
Why tell you you can
navigate the Everwhen?
- I don't know.
- Okay, hypothetically,
if I had to shoot you
on your body again,
where would you say to do it?
- I actually hate my ears.
Shoot me in the ears.
One shot!
- Not your heart, or brain?
- No, thank you!
- [Washington] Exactly!
Somewhere non-vital, right, Chrovos?
It's not that you wanted
Donut to enter the Everwhen,
it's that you didn't want
him to go somewhere else.
Where didn't you want Donut to go,
or is it a "when"?
- Now that you say that,
she was kind of upset I
was coming so save you.
- [Washington] Ha, I bet she was.
Could it be,
that if we prevent that paradox
you love so much, Chrovos,
if we use Donut's time gun,
and intercept the Reds
and Blues after I'm shot,
but before they set off to save me,
it'll put this derailed
timeline back on track,
fix everything?
- Listen to me,
you little shit!
- It's true, isn't it?
Say it!
- (scoffs) Very clever, Washington.
You've worked it out.
But do you really think you
can save the day in time?
(pistol whooshing)
- We've got all the
time we need right here.
Donut, I think, from
now on, all our problems
are behind us.
(gun cocks)
(pistol whooshing softly)
Uh-uh!
A pistol?
Aren't you supposed to be a Cosmic Power?
- I believe "God of Deceit" is
the title you're looking for.
- (chuckles) I think you're looking for it
harder than me, pal.
- Genkins, you can't hurt us!
We're Shisno!
(pistol whirring)
- Oh?
(floor clatters)
(electricity buzzing)
- No!
(gun whooshing)
(vortex whirring)
- [Genkins] God of Tricks, hmm?
- [Chrovos] (sighs loudly)
That was bloody close.
- Oh, like they'd stop talking
long enough to win? (laughs)
How's your prison?
(electricity booming)
My, my, what a lot of cracks?
- Yes, yes, Genkins!
Well done!
Now, off you go.
- [Genkins] Fine!
- Freeze!
(gun cocks)
- Toodles!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Genkins giddily laughs)
(Chrovos laughs)
- Well, I hope you enjoyed
the upper-hand, boys?
You shat the fucking bed!
Boys, you cracked my case!
(forcefield crackling)
Cracked it more, I should say.
(forcefield continues crackling)
- No!
(Chrovos laughs)
- But alas, your hubris has-
- You know,
you use a lot of fancy
words for a jailbird.
We need to go.
- What?
- That's the past, right?
- [Donut] Well, yeah, but...
(stammers) Wait, wait, hey!
(footsteps pattering)
- [Washington] Come on!
(footsteps continue pattering)
- Leaders!
I swear to gosh!
We should talk about this!
(intense whooshing)
(Washington screaming)
- [Washington] I regret this so much!
- Wash, it's okay!
Focus on a memory.
- Donut, (groans) what's happening?
- This is every memory you've
ever had at all at once.
Focus on one where we're both there, okay?
And tell me which one you think of,
because I don't know
how to follow you-
(gunshot blasting)
(body thuds)
- Oh, no, I am so sorry!
- Remember further back, further!
(electricity whirring)
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!
- [Washington] I'm not going to!
- You shot Lopez!
What the hell, man?
- Oh, no!
It's okay, Simmons.
Wash had to shoot Lopez.
Right, Wash?
Lopez was-
(Donut and Washington stammering)
- A robot!
- Of course he's a fucking robot!
Why'd you shoot him?
- (stammers) An evil robot!
- Yeah, I know, he's the worst,
but that still doesn't-
- You know what!
Just shut up, Simmons!
- But-
- Okay, Wash!
- But-
- Welcome to the Everwhen.
(eagle screeching)
I guess when we travel together,
we end up in the same place.
Neat!
- So Lopez?
- Man, my joints feel amazing!
Is this what health was?
- I know, right?
- Donut?
- Wash!
We need to track Genkins.
Can you think of somewhere
important in our past
that Genkins might go to
cause the most damage?
- I think so.
- Lopez?
Hello, anybody?
- Think of that place
and time hard enough,
and we'll both go there.
- Got it!
- We gotta be careful not
to make too many paradoxes.
Aside from convincing
the guys to believe us,
every event in our lives has to happen
just as it did before.
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut groans painfully)
(gun thuds)
- Donut, no!
- I admire your commitment to time travel.
- [Donut] Thanks.
- [Epsilon] Felix will have to
activate the purge personally,
which means Locus will be with him.
- And since they know our
target's the Comm Temple,
it's safe to assume-
(electricity whirring)
(electricity continues whirring)
- Wash?
- Hey!
- [Caboose] Hello!
- Seemed like you were about to
say some more things after
"It's safe to assume"?
- No, I get it.
It's safe to assume, 'cause
we can handle anything.
- I never assume anything.
Keeps me sharp!
- You're as sharp as a boiled egg.
- And twice as deadly.
- So, hey, Donut!
Do you have something to say to everyone?
- Yes, I'd like to debrief you all.
Wait, not like remove your briefs!
I mean, I need to
tell you all-
- Really?
- (sighs loudly) Nah, Wash, you go ahead.
In my experience,
nobody listens to me anyway.
- Yeah, Wash, go ahead!
- Okay.
Everyone, I'm gonna need you to trust me,
more than you've ever
trusted me, by a lot.
Here it goes.
You're currently trapped in your past.
I know that right now, we're
planning our counterattack,
and in just a moment,
we're going to be joined by Kimball.
Hey, Kimball.
- [Kimball] Hi.
- Whoa!
- Donut tells me you've all got
some pretty major déjà vu, right?
- Oh, yes, for sure.
- Right, yeah.
(interposing voices)
- [Team Member] All I remember is cheese.
- That's because this has happened before.
I've seen us end this fight today, guys.
We win it.
And the next one, and the one after that,
you win, like always!
And at the risk of sounding gushy,
I'm proud to be counted among you.
But I'm about to tell you,
there's something on the horizon
swelling up like a tidal wave,
and it's gonna sweep us away,
unless we work together.
Forget this war.
Forget Chorus.
Forget what you're seeing around you.
You're dreaming, and
I'm gonna wake you up!
Now, do you trust me?
- You had me at, "Do you trust me".
- I feel confused,
but also motivated?
- As soon as I know what I'm in, I'm in!
- Alright, sure thing, Wash.
- (sighs) Sure thing, Wash.
- [Epsilon] Guys, it sounds
like Wash needs our help.
- Thanks, Epsilon.
I-
- No, I mean,
you really need our help, Washington!
And I know a fractured
personality when I see one.
Catch my drift?
- Ah!
- Yeah.
Wash, you're scaring me.
- What?
- [Possesed Epsilon] I get the feeling
you've been burning the
Civil War at both ends.
Are you okay?
- Yes!
- All we're saying, is this
could be a leaky implant,
or a legit flashback.
We're veterans, you know?
- Yeah, I do,
and, of course, you wouldn't
believe me, Carolina.
- Whoa!
- Dude!
- I mean, no.
So I-
- Come on, man!
- What?
Wash, what do you mean by that?
- Look, no, it's just that-
- I think you'd
better go, Wash.
Just cool off for a minute.
- [Washington] Yeah!
Fine!
Gladly.
(footsteps departing)
(possessed Epsilon laughs)
(clears throat)
- [Donut] Less paradoxes.
Less!
(footsteps departing)
- [Kimball] Should I...
I'm gonna come back.
(footsteps pattering)
- [Donut] Okay, Wash!
I have some notes.
- Donut, when I want
crudely made innuendos,
I'll ask you for them.
- But Wash, I haven't said any of those,
not since my buddies all
laid into me one by one.
(groans) I've never stopped!
- When you get injured, and
your best friend lies about it,
and makes you into a secret invalid,
I'll hear you out, I promise!
But until you're misled
about your own brain damage,
I think just-
- But you weren't!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- What?
- You weren't brain damaged!
You know that, right?
She saved you!
She went back and saved you!
- Well, yeah!
Still, (scoffs) it's not
like it changes anything.
- Wash, it literally changed everything.
- Friends talk to each other.
They trust each other.
I thought we were closer than that?
- Think that all you like,
but in your own time!
Quick fix, problem solved.
- Look, you don't know-
- I do know, Wash!
Carolina was well aware that
saving you could break time,
and she did it anyway.
She talked us into it.
I was there!
It was the closest to
tears I've ever heard her.
- It was?
- Well, second closest, after just now.
- [Washington] Fuck!
Look, I've got a lot to unpack, okay?
- Buddy, you need to focus!
Can you do that for me?
- What?
- This situation calls
for a clear-head, Wash!
Do you have that capacity,
is what I'm asking you?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, good, 'cause I
can't do this on my own.
- Sorry.
- Now, let's take a
breath, count to three,
and unpossess these bodies
before we cause too many paradoxes,
and annihilate all of history.
Ready to jump?
- [Washington] Yeah, okay.
(footsteps pattering)
Hey, thanks, man.
You know, you're a little
scary when you're mad.
- [Donut] Oh, no, I'm sorry!
- Ruined it!
(intense whooshing)
(gunshot blasting)
(Donut thuds)
- [Simmons] Donut?
- [Donut] How does it
hurt more every time?
- [Washington] Oh, god,
did I bring us here?
- [Donut] No, it was me.
I'm an idiot.
(electronic whirring)
(gunshot blasting)
(body thuds)
- Okay, whew.
- Lopez?
(footsteps departing)
- Sorry about that.
- [Donut] Eh, what's a
Donut without a hole in it?
(footsteps pattering)
- Did Epsilon seem-
- Hey, what the heck?!
- Simmons!
Did Epsilon seem Genkins-ey to you?
- He did!
- I get the feeling it's not going to be
as simple as convincing them.
- Now that you say that,
- What is happening?!
- I didn't convince you of anything.
- What do you mean?
- Remember?
I made you aware of knowing
something you couldn't know.
- Right!
So you're saying-
- Wash!
We need to make the
guys aware of something
they can't possibly know!
And I think, Wash, I know just what it is.
- You were hoping you'd think of something
before you were done talking, didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
- Fudge!
- Okay, Wash?
Back when we met, I wondered
if I'd die at your hands,
and I feel like, you know, we've
come a long way since then,
but you literally just shot Lopez!
- Sorry we keep doing
this to you, Simmons.
- To me?
He shot Lopez!
- When did we meet, Simmons?
- Huh?
- When did you first meet me?
- A year ago, maybe?
- Be pretty weird if we'd
met before that, wouldn't it?
Give you some pretty weird déjà vu.
- (gasps) That's right!
Wash, I could kiss you!
- Lopez is dead.
- All the Reds and Blue have got déjà vu!
That means they know
something's wrong, like you did!
- And if I show myself to the Reds
and Blues before we ever met,
why, Donut, I think they
just might recognize me.
With any luck, it'll
give them the same shock
I had on Chorus.
- Yes!
Then we'll be just one step
away from having our team back!
- What do you mean?
- I mean, well, we have to
get Carolina too, obviously.
Wash, you said it yourself,
"We're gonna need all hands
on deck for this one".
- (sighs) I hate that you're right.
- Well, get over it, buddy!
We're going to Blood Gulch!
Circa: Forever ago!
(electronic whirring)
(gun clanks)
(stammers) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
(electronic whirring)
Alright, let's unfudge some
timelines, Agent Washington?
He hasn't been to Blood Gulch yet.
Of course!
I brought him back to a time
where we're nowhere near each other!
Ah, geez, Donut!
Where did you send him?
(waves lapping)
- Huh.
Now I've got déjà vu.
But where-
- Recovery One,
this is Command requesting a Sit-rep.
Recovery One, do you copy?
Agent Washington, please respond!
(waves lapping)
(dramatic instrumental music)
(radio static)
Recovery One?
Wash, are you there?
- [Washington] Yeah, I'm here!
I'm here.
- [Recovery Command] Good.
I thought maybe we'd lost you too.
- [Washington] Huh?
- [Recovery Command]
(clears throat) Never mind.
Recovery One, what is your status, please?
- Ash, is that really you?
- [Recovery Command] What
did you just call me?
- Sorry.
Four-Seven-Niner.
I mean, Command.
- [Recovery Command] What is
your status, Recovery One?
- [Washington] Engaging hostiles.
Going radio silent.
- [Recovery Command] Negative!
You're not allowed-
(radio static)
(footsteps pattering)
- (sighs) Okay, deep breathes.
You know where you are.
You know where you are.
Up there is the body
of your old pal, York,
surrounded by a bunch of other bodies,
and one son of a bitch
pretending to be a body,
so that he can turn you into a body,
and that's fine.
This is fine.
No, dammit, this is not fine!
Gotta get to Blood Gulch!
(laser zinging)
(explosion booming)
Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Oh, my dear Washington.
And here I thought you'd
come for the Delta AI.
- Hello, Wyoming.
I don't suppose you'd happen to have
a second Warthog lying around?
- Hmm, but now that I know
you intend to arrive in Blood Gulch,
I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
You see, I also have business to attend to
in that particular-
- Oh, shit!
- Are you listening to-
- I just realized,
the moment we rescue the Reds and Blues,
Genkins will know what we're up to.
He'll know we're a threat,
and stick to Carolina like flypaper.
- Who in the bollocks is Genkins?!
- Do you have any idea where Carolina is?
- I...
What?
She's dead!
What does that have to
do with anything?
- She isn't dead.
She's in hiding.
Maine threw her off a cliff,
and she laid low for
years, until she found me.
I just don't know where.
- This is just not at all going
the way I thought it would.
- Tell me about it.
(electronic whirring)
Ooh, boy!
I am still not used to this.
(footsteps approaching)
(intense dramatic music)
(footsteps pattering)
- Hey, Wash.
- [Wyoming] Washington?
- Hey, fellas.
Oh, wait, York!
- [York] What's up, buddy?
- You and Carolina were always close.
If she were to-
- Whoa!
Agent Carolina is our leader.
She would not appreciate you
making such wild accusations.
- Jesus, what is this, high School?
- York!
What're you doing pallin' around
with the lowest in the leaderboard?
- Oh, right, it kind of was.
- Hey, Wash, not to keep
beating a dead horse,
but try to remember to pull the pin
before you throw your grenades, okay?
- Yeah, I got that!
- It's just, I don't wanna be
in another situation like last time.
- Last time?
Oh, wait, this does sound familiar.
- Hey, here's an idea.
Maybe pre-pull all the
pins on your grenades,
so you don't forget.
Just be sure to do it far
away from the rest of us.
- [North] Come on, South.
Leave him alone.
(footsteps departing)
- [York] Right!
Well, see you at the briefing.
(footsteps departing)
- Man, (sighs) I forgot what it's like
to be at the bottom of the food chain.
(Washington yells)
- Briefing's the
other way, Washington.
- Carolina!
Carolina.
- You're in my way.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you have a second to talk?
This'll probably sound crazy,
but it's really important.
- [Carolina] No.
(footsteps departing)
- Seriously?
- [Carolina] Seriously.
- Oh, she is so much
meaner than I remember.
(electronic flickering)
(alarm blaring)
Carolina?
Hypothetical question.
- Get out of my face!
(intense whooshing)
(rapid gunfire blasting)
- If she had to go into hiding,
what do you think her strategy would be?
Like, where do you think she would go?
- Is now really the best time for this?
- [Washington] Why won't
anyone listen to me?
- Oh, that's easy.
It's because you're a loser!
- Is this how Donut feels all the time?
(intense whooshing)
So, yeah, that's where I'm at,
stranded in time, until I can figure out
where Carolina was hiding all those years.
I know I probably sound crazy,
and I don't expect you guys to help,
but I just needed someone to listen.
- But if you can jump anywhere in time,
why don't you just go to the future
when you and Carolina are friends,
and ask her yourself?
(electronic whirring)
- [Washington] Carolina,
can I ask you something
about your past?
- Yeah, of course.
What's up?
- (muffled yelling) Goddammit!
- Whoa, are you okay?
- [Washington] I'm great!
- Are you sure?
'Cause it kinda sounded like
you just screamed-
- I didn't.
Hey, so, about that question
I was gonna ask you.
- Oh, right.
Shoot.
- All those years you were in hiding
after Project Freelancer,
where did you go exactly?
- Why do you wanna-
- Please,
just answer the question.
- (sighs) Well, I re-enlisted in the UNSC.
- Ah-ha!
Yes!
You...
You re-enlisted in the UNSC?
Why?
- It didn't take a genius to see
the UNSC was losing the war.
They were taking anybody who
would sign up in those days.
They weren't gonna look
twice at forged documents.
I figured it would give me constant access
to military intel and equipment,
allow me to keep my skills sharp,
and would be the last place
Freelancer would think to look.
I just needed to land
myself in an average,
unremarkable squad, stationed in one of
who knows how many
locations across the galaxy.
- I'll be damned!
The apple really didn't fall far.
- It was hard back then.
I felt I couldn't trust anyone but myself.
Like I had no one in my corner.
- Well, you didn't exactly make it easy.
- Yeah, I guess not.
(intense roaring)
- [Caboose] Hey, Guy!
Dinosaurs are back!
(dinosaur roars)
- Damn it, not again!
I should go take care of that.
(footsteps departing)
- It's fine.
(electronic whirring)
I've got what I need.
(radio static)
Recovery One,
this is Command requesting a sit-rep.
- Roger that, Command.
Situation's changed.
I'm gonna need a Pelican.
(intense whirring)
Shit!
Sorry, space-time continuum,
but I'm gonna need you
to take a few more hits.
(gun clanks)
(train roaring)
- [UNSC Lieutenant] Sir, has
she done something wrong?
- [Washington] I'm afraid
that's classified, Lieutenant.
If you could just lead the way?
(train roaring)
- [UNSC Lieutenant] She's
got a bit of a temper, sure,
but I think that's just because she knows
she can run circles around the rest of us,
if she wanted to, myself included.
- [Washington] Mm-hmm.
- Sorry. (laughs nervously)
Get a little chatty when I'm nervous.
I skimmed your file.
- Didn't like what you saw?
- All I really saw was the word
"redacted" a million times.
- [Washington] Well, there's no need
to be nervous, Lieutenant.
- [UNSC Lieutenant] It's just,
nothing ever really happens around here.
McCallister!
(gun clanks)
Got someone here who wants to talk to you.
(electronic whirring)
Can I help with anything else, sir?
- [Washington] No, pretty
sure I'm in the right place.
I'll take it from here, Lieutenant.
(footsteps departing)
(train roaring)
- I could've shot you
the moment you stepped
out of the terminal.
- Why didn't you?
- Because if you don't give
me the information I want,
I can still kill you
quietly before I slip away.
- I'm sure you could.
- So they didn't send you alone?
- Nobody sent me.
- Bullshit!
I know they've got you running recovery!
- And they still think they've
got me in their corner,
but that changes today.
I've been waiting for the right time.
I've been waiting to find you.
- How exactly did you find me?
- I had a little help.
(electronic whirring)
- [Delta] Greetings, Agent Carolina.
- Delta?
- It was just a matter
of asking Delta to search
enlistment records for-
(gun cocks)
- [Carolina] Where is York?
- (sighs) Wyoming shot him.
His armor's distress signal
was how I found Delta,
but I was too late for York.
I'm sorry.
- I don't believe you!
- [Delta] Agent Washington
is telling the truth.
I could provide you
with a supporting data,
if you would like?
- I'm going-
- I've already taken
care of Wyoming.
I don't mean to rush,
but it won't take long
before Command realizes
they don't have me on their leash anymore.
- What happened to you?
You're different than how I remember.
- Same thing that happened to you,
I learned the truth about
the Project, about the Alpha,
and now, I want the Director dead.
Will you help me?
(train roaring)
I'll make a call to Command
when we get to the airfield.
I think I can string them
along for a few more hours
before the jig is up.
- How is Delta okay with all of this?
- I told him he could meet
the Alpha if he helped.
- You lied to him?
- [Washington] No, I didn't.
- [Carolina] There's
something else going on here.
- [Washington] It's okay if
you don't trust me entirely.
- [Carolina] No, that's the thing.
I do.
- [Washington] You do?
- We weren't very close
when we were in the Project together,
but for some reason,
I feel like I can count on you.
- I-
(train roaring)
Thanks, Carolina.
- Where are we heading first?
- We're gonna rendezvous
with a team of soldiers I've assembled.
- Ex-freelancer?
- Sort of.
- Depending on where they're stationed,
we can pick up my armor on the way.
I've still got my
adaptive camo, and-
- That won't be necessary.
- What?
- Trust me, the moment you see these guy,
you'll understand everything.
(train roaring)
I hope.
- Let's see now.
(electronic flickering)
Mmm, no.
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Too fast.
(footsteps pattering)
(electronic whirring)
(Epsilon-Tex grunts)
Too furious. (laughs)
(electronic whirring)
(air whooshing)
(object thuds)
Donut gets trapped under a heavy object?
(groans) Sure, why not.
Actually, just one more time.
(air whooshing)
(object thuds)
(maniacally laughs)
(sighs) Never gets old.
(electronic flickering)
- [Possessed Church] (clears
throat) Sheila, stay here.
If anybody moves, shoot 'em.
(footsteps pattering)
- (groans) Why the heck
is Wash taking so long?
(footsteps pattering)
Well, there's my cue to get
trapped under Sister's Pelican!
Lucky me!
(footsteps pattering)
- Donut!
Get back here!
Wait for the ship!
- [Donut] Exhale on
impact, exhale on impact!
Hate my life, hate my life!
Oh, god, oh, god, I hate
my life, I hate my life!
Oh, my god, I'm gonna hate my life!
- Think fast!
(grenade thuds)
- Grenade?!
(explosion booms)
- My grenade slipped!
Also, my grenade pin.
And so by saving Donut,
(air whooshing)
(plane thuds)
(glass shattering)
I doom him. (maniacally laughs)
- [Donut] Holy baloney!
- (groans) So unsatisfying.
Wait!
Sarge is waiting for reinforcements,
Tucker just gave birth to Junior,
and Donut was meant to be
crushed under a Pelican,
so I'm in the right place,
but I didn't make an alternate reality.
Where is my alternate reality?!
- What the...
There was never a grenade!
But that means...
You!
- You!
- I've got you now, you-
(air whooshing)
(plane thuds)
(glass shattering)
(footsteps pattering)
- (laughs) Here comes victory!
Two Pelicans!
Heck of a reinforcement.
Announce our calvaries' arrival, Simmons.
- The collective noun for a
group of pelicans is a scoop.
- (chuckles) Thank you, Simmons!
Well, Blues, you've had
your fun, and it's over!
If it's all the same to you,
I'd like to postpone your crushing defeat
for a moment longer, as I
have prepared a short speech.
Simmons, like we practiced!
(Simmons hums upbeat tune)
(Sarge clears throat)
(Simmons continues humming)
You are Blue!
And we are Red!
Colors clash, and clash we
have, but colors mix too.
I look back on our time here in the Gulch,
and wonder what could have
been achieved together,
and is it too late for a
combined Red/Blue force
built on trust, co-operation
and dare I say, mutual respect?
The answer is, yes, of course!
We will erase your siege, creeds,
and deeds from recorded history,
and pile your nameless
bodies into the earth!
But I can see, that on occasion,
you were the tactically superior force.
And though this is a grave
sin in the eyes of Sarge,
you have my...
Well, not my respect, obviously,
but something similar.
Grif, the bugle!
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.
- Blues, do not cry and pee your pants!
I beg you!
For you tried your best and failed.
And truly, in war, there is
nothing more pathetic than that!
In the battle to be the most
upsettingly pathetic and lame,
you have lain waste to my forces and I.
Congratulations.
Now, if I may direct your attention
to get the heck outta here,
we'll begin our move into Blue base,
which has always been better kept,
and has softer upholstery.
- Yeah, yeah, I guess.
- Excellent, yeah, I agree.
- Could this wait until Tucker's recovered
from giving birth to an Alien?
- No!
(aircraft whirring)
Hey, what is that?
- I think that's defeat, sir,
snatched from the jaws of victory.
- No!
(aircraft continues whirring)
You're gonna get it, Blues!
- Great.
Great save.
(electricity whooshing)
- (laughs) Wait.
Why did-
(footsteps pattering)
No!
(Donut wincing painfully)
- Washington!
- Hey, buddy.
- [Caboose] Who's your friend?
I like their armor.
- [Washington] That's Carolina.
- Oh, Carolina!
Hey old buddy?
Wait, where do I know you from?
- Oh, don't tell me!
Are you famous?
I remember someone
filming a movie about you.
- Oh, my god!
It's Bruce Willis!
- I don't think she's famous.
- Oh, hey guys!
Guys?
Some guys I know?
That's weird.
Hi, everyone.
I'm gonna go.
- Hey, I know you too!
- Neil Armstrong, that is who you are.
- I'm Grif's sister, his wombre,
like ombre but womb.
Does that even make sense?
I tell jokes when I'm panicking.
- Grif's sister?
- Yeah.
- In some ungodly third primary color,
made of Grif's DNA?
(gun cocks)
- Sarge, no!
- No, no, no!
- Sarge, you know her!
That's my sister!
- I do?
- Yeah.
Wait, yeah, do you?
- Oh, I'm asleep!
None of you are real.
- Wash?
- Donut,
I didn't mean to take so long.
I had to find Carolina,
and then-
- No, Wash,
you did it, man!
You got us all together!
Thanks!
- Hey, it was your idea.
- [Sarge] I feel weird!
- You should go and wake 'em up, though.
Sarge seems upset.
- [Sarge] It feels like I've been Sarged!
- Go blow some minds.
- Sure, sure.
- [Sarge] Oh, what have
I been doing to people?
- [Donut] Okay, guys, listen up!
You all know each other, right?
- Yeah.
- Doi!
- [Genkins] No!
- [Donut] You all know this guy, right?
- Yeah, that's Wash.
- Yes, hello, Washington.
How is your neck?
- Fine, thank you, Caboose.
- No!
(clears throat) None
of us know each other!
They're lying!
- What you freaking out for, Church?
- Carolina, you know these people?
- I'm not saying anything,
until someone tells me what's happening!
- [Caboose] I know you.
Hi, Carolina.
- And where do you know Carolina from?
- Well, there was...
Wait, that's confusing.
I know her from that one
place, but where did I...
I...
I can't remember how I-
- Oh, that's the future!
That's where I know you from!
Man, that was drivin' me crazy.
That was really good.
You were really good in that.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
- But how can you know someone
from the future, Caboose?
Carolina, where do you
know these people from?
- Places I've never been.
Right?
Am I dreaming?
- Now, who would you say is missing here?
- [Carolina] Lopez and Tucker.
- Who are they?
- I don't...
I don't know.
I mean-
- How can you
know their names?
(Genkins mumbles)
She doesn't!
This is all a Red trick!
- You don't sound like yourself, Church.
You got a frog in your throat?
(Genkins grunts angrily)
- [Donut] And Carolina, riddle me this.
- Donut?
- Sorry, got caught up!
Okay, Donut, here goes.
Hard mode.
No sexual innuendo.
Guys, this is the past!
You are trapped reliving your lives.
You can fix this,
if you realize this
isn't really happening.
The last real thing that happened
was your attempt to save
Wash from being hurt.
And my friends, I'm afraid to say,
it made everything go penis.
Dammit!
Guys, you gotta ask
yourself this question,
how can you all know each other,
but not know each other?
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(electronic flickering)
(Sister screams)
(interposing voices)
- Holy shit!
- Oh, my god!
We...
Guys, did we break the universe?
- Everything went white.
- [Sister] The fuck am I
doing back in Blood Gulch?
- Ah, am I dead?
Am I in hell?
- Guys, yes, you see,
we're in the past, see?
I worked it all out a minute ago.
If you just take a second
to collect your thoughts,
I will be happy to
explain everything to you.
- My god dang gynecomastia is back!
Tender nips!
- Wash!
(Sarge mumbles)
You're here!
Are you okay?
I'm so sorry.
I feel like the worst fucking
person in the whole world.
- Carolina, I-
- I should've told you
that you were injured.
I know that now.
I was just trying to protect you,
but that was stupid, 'cause
you don't need protecting,
and I was just so worried about you,
and I didn't wanna upset you,
but it sent you away-
- Stop!
- [Carolina] What?
But-
- I don't care
about my injury!
Forget about that.
- I don't understand.
- You've...
Your life, Carolina,
you've survived things
that would've broken me.
Broken anyone.
Do you even know how far you've come?
You are so cool.
I am so proud of you.
I'm always gonna be your friend.
- Really?
And you're okay?
You're not hurt?
- I'm okay.
We're okay.
- [Genkins] All right!
Gloves are off, Shisno!
- [Carolina] Who's that?
- [Washington] (sighs heavily)
Genkins possessing Church.
- Hey, that guy ruined pizza!
- And time, and space.
- Yeah, that too!
But mostly pizza!
- If you think you're upset now,
wait till you hear what I did to Huggins!
- What?
- [Genkins] Sheila, be a
dear, and kill everyone!
- Excuse me!
- What?!
- You're not Church.
- And?
- Can you put his body down, please?
- Hmm, the halfwit.
Out of my way now!
Or else I-
- Yeah, sorry,
I should explain.
You see, I killed Church,
and I kept his helmet.
- Badass!
- And when he died, and he died a lot,
I'd sit with him, and
feel not better, but...
It's complicated.
You see, when someone dies,
my brain likes to hurt me with memories,
and I don't know why.
- Do you have a point?
- Well, after Epsilon went away,
holding the helmet helped me think,
'cause it hurts to look at.
Does that make sense?
It hurt me, so that I didn't have to.
Yeah, grief, grief is weird.
But these days, I like to feel better,
and you're making me sad,
so please put his body down!
(intense dramatic music)
- No.
- Put it down!
- Or what?
(Caboose yells)
(body thuds)
Oh, no, no!
- Give me back Church!
(Genkins yells indistinctly)
(gun thuds)
(yelling continues)
- Caboose!
What the hell, man?
(Caboose yells indistinctly)
Stop hitting me!
(continues yelling indistinctly)
Caboose, get-
(gun thuds)
Seriously!
(Caboose continues yelling)
(image whirring)
- [Delta] Alpha detected.
Error.
(electricity whirring)
- Shit!
A paradox, right?
- What just happened?
And where's Tucker?
- I think today, he's
giving birth to an Alien?
- Oh!
- What?
- Hey, Doc?
- Donut?
Man, I'm so confused.
What is going on?
- It's easier if I don't explain.
Doc is dead.
- [Both] Oh!
- I had to kill him.
Hey, Doc, buddy!
Can you go revive Tucker?
- Dibs!
Tucker needs to be debriefed.
- Yeah!
Wait, what?
- Doc, follow my lead.
- [Doc] Okay.
- [Sister] This is
gonna be so fucking fun!
- I'm as stumped as a
headless quadriplegic!
- This feels weird, right?
Back me up, Simmons.
- I neither understand, nor like it.
- [Washington] We'll explain everything.
Or should I say, Donut will.
He's good at it.
- Before we start,
do you guys know what
Genkins meant about Huggins?
- [Sarge] It sounded like he killed her.
- No, man, sorry!
No idea!
- Nuts!
- [Huggins] The Reds and Blues
are going back in time again.
I have to tell Atlus!
It's urgent!
- Well, now, that is news.
- [Huggins] So, can I go?
- [Genkins] Not quite. (chuckles)
After all, you must be punished.
- [Huggins] Punished?
For what?
(gun whirring)
(laser booming)
What?
(Huggins screaming)
No!
No!
(black void whirring)
(Huggins screaming)
Help!
No, no, no, no!
A black hole!
This is how my parents died!
Oh, god, I'm gonna die!
(sighs) You're gonna be okay.
Sing a little song.
♪ Light is information ♪
♪ And cannot be destroyed ♪
♪ Light's information ♪
♪ So it cannot be destroyed ♪
♪ I am information ♪
♪ And I can't be destroyed ♪
(black hole whirring)
(Huggins sighs)
♪ I don't want to die ♪
(intense whirring)
Oh.
(intense dramatic music)
That's something.
(orb whirring)
That's a big...
Is this the heart of a black hole?
Hard to believe one of these
things killed my parents.
It has a heart?
Can a black hole love?
- [Huggins Mother] No, dear.
That's just the Big Bang.
(Huggins gasps)
Pre-bang, obviously.
- Mom?!
- Mom?
That's a name I haven't
heard in a long time!
- (laughs) Sharp!
- (gasps) Dad?!
- [Huggins Father] Please,
Dad was my father's name.
Call me Gerald.
(Huggins Mother scoffs)
- Oh, no, I'm dead.
Aren't I?
- [Huggins Mother] What?!
Sweetie, no, we can't die.
Light is information,
and can't be destroyed.
- [Huggins] Yes! Knew it!
- [Huggins Mother] Black
holes are sort of drains
that feed the cosmos all
the way back to here.
It lets the universe loop.
- [Huggins] Whoa!
- [Huggins Father] (laughs) Don't blow the
kid's mind, Cheryl!
- [Huggins Mother] Oh, sweetie,
I didn't blow your mind, did I?
- [Huggins] Whoa!
- [Huggins Father] Where's your brother?
He should be here.
- [Huggins] Muggins?
I don't know.
One of the Cosmic Powers trapped me here.
Remember those guys?
- [Huggins Father] Nope!
Maybe he's just late?
- [Huggins Mother] Late?
The whole universe should be in here.
Oh, maybe there's a
blockage in the timeline?
Gerald, would that do it?
- [Huggins Father] (laughs)
Yeah, that'd do it!
- [Huggins Mother] Huggins,
you should really check on Muggins.
- [Huggins] Fine!
How?
- [Huggins Mother] Just fly at full speed.
- [Huggins Father] Close to
full speed, or you'll overshoot.
- [Huggins] What?
- [Huggins Mother] At light speed,
you don't experience time.
So move at nearly the speed of light,
and time will accelerate.
You can watch galaxies
bloom and fade in real time.
It's really nice.
- [Huggins Father] Now, Hugs,
if there's a blockage in the timeline,
you'll get stuck in it,
like a spider's web.
Do you know where that might be?
Can you think of any paradoxes
you might have stirred up?
- [Huggins] No, I...
Oh.
Oh!
Those sons of bitches!
- [Both Parents] Language.
- [Huggins] Okay, Mom, Dad, I gotta go!
I know when that paradox is!
Something's crazy wrong!
- [Huggins Father] Darn tootin' !
Muggins ain't here!
- [Huggins Mother] When's your brother
getting here, Huggins?
- [Huggins] Goodbye!
- So long, have fun!
- Bye, buddy!
(intense whirring)
(mellow instrumental music)
- [Sister] Okay, Tucker's passed out.
You know what that means?
- First, we monitor his condition,
so that-
- No, Doctor Boring!
I'll start at the top.
Someone has to tell Tucker
that we caused a paradox,
and are reliving our old lives.
- [Doc] I would appreciate an
explanation of that, actually!
- However, Tucker is going to
wake up, and will look at me,
a person he does not know,
yet somehow recognizes,
and be like, bleh!
- Bleh?
- Duh, hey,
why do I recognize you?
And I'll say,
"It's 'cause I'm mostly
made of you, ya sucker!"
"We took your fucking organs!"
- We're not doing that!
- [Sister] Or, okay.
He just gave birth to this
alien-tumor-thing, right?
- Blarg!
- Sure.
- [Sister] So we convince
him that aliens are invading!
- Ahh..
- Through his ass!
- Why would we do that!?
There's been enough going
on down there already!
- For funsies.
- Can we not just give him the care
we'd give any new mother!?
- Oh, I hear what you're saying!
I'm the child he gave birth to,
a little coma baby, Kai.
- No!
- Hi, Dad!
It's me, your coma baby.
And I want cash!
- You know, I get the feeling
you and Tucker have
some unresolved issues.
- [Sister] Okay, Doc!
Like we practiced,
wake him up.
- [Sarge] Motion to feed Donut
through Sheila's treads for treason!
- I'd like to plead not guilty, please.
- Please from a traitor, like you,
are about as significant
as whatever abstract shape
I'm gonna grind you into!
- Sarge?
- Sarge, what?
This slice of pink frosted butt-cake
has been on display for too long!
The boy's gone stale.
- Donut saved all of us, you included.
- I do not subscribe to that reality!
- Did Donut really do that?
Donut, did you save us all?
- (chuckles nervously) Well,
I don't know about all that.
- Boy doesn't even know about it!
You heard him.
- [Grif] I'm sorry, but,
dude, you betrayed us!
You stole the hammer.
What the fuck?
- We were trapped!
We're now free.
You and I are no longer
in a weird time limbo,
and we owe Donut.
We owe him big time!
- Whatever!
- I have five bucks,
but I want change.
(Donut sighs loudly)
- Now, can someone please tell
me why I'm in Blood Gulch?
- Washington, can you field this one?
I am going to start fixing the timeline.
Boop!
(electronic whirring)
(birds chirping)
- [Washington] Is Caboose a genius?
- If he is, I'd just prefer not to know.
- Hmm, well, you heard him,
let's get everyone up to speed.
Speaking of everyone,
where are they?
- How're his vitals?
- Fine!
- And his life signs?
- It's the same thing!
- [Tucker] Who is that?
- Good god, amnesia?
I'll fetch my medical tire iron.
Nurse, help him up!
- Nurse?
- [Sister] Thank you, sweetpea!
Lavernius, you've been out for some time!
How many guns am I holding up?
- One?
- Very good!
We're gonna have to put him down.
- I was just having a baby!
- [Sister] In this economy?
He's delirious!
- Don't I know you?
- Yeah, you do, I'm afraid.
You see, I was going to wait
until you recovered to tell you,
but Tucker, I'm you!
- What?
- From the future!
- [Doc] I'm leaving.
- [Tucker] Is this a prank?
Sarge?
(footsteps departing)
- The future is all ladies,
all the time, you included!
And if you're gonna live
to see that promise land,
I gotta rescue you, Tucker.
You wanna know why?
- Fuck off!
- You are in Purgatory, Lavernius.
And you've gotta break outta purgatory!
- I am not!
- Welcome to limbo, muthafucka!
- Blarg!
- What was that?
- Honk!
(Tucker yells)
- That's...
It's a demon, 'cause
we're in limbo, remember?
- Honk!
- You died in childbirth.
- What?!
Oh, god!
- No god here, Tucker!
- Jesus!
- No Jesus here!
Just you, this here prospective vagina,
and eternity with the demons, baby boy!
- Honk!
(Tucker yells)
- You can escape.
I can show you how,
but you have to trust me.
- Blarg!
- Oh!
Oh, god, oh, god!
(mellow instrumental music)
(orb whirring)
- Blood Gultch,
historic home to the Shisno.
Jeez, Grif lived here?
Hmm, looks like he had neighbors.
That must've been nice.
Oh, nobody's here yet.
(intense whooshing)
There!
Hey, you!
Why'd you make a paradox, you butt?
- Hello!
- Wait!
Huh? Wrong person.
(groans) Huggins, you idiot!
It's the past!
They haven't done it yet!
Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
- Hello.
Pardon me?
We did it to save our friend, Wash.
I kinda thought you knew that?
- You-
- 'Cause, you know,
you went away all mad.
- [Huggins] I did?
- Yeah, when we were at
the God Place together
in the future.
- [Huggins] How can you know that!?
(grunts loudly)
Okay, (sighs) Caboose, right?
- Yes, thank you for remembering.
- [Huggins] Today, I found
out my parents aren't dead.
Black holes make the universe loop!
- [Caboose] Time is made of circles.
I am familiar with the concept.
- [Huggins] And now, you
seem to know the future.
- [Caboose] Yeah, really
good at card tricks now.
- [Huggins] Okay, this is whelmed.
This is overwhelmed!
And this is where my ass is at!
(sighs softly) Can we talk?
- [Caboose] Yeah, okay,
but I have to kill my
best friend in an hour,
so, you know.
- [Tucker] Doc, I'm a phantom,
and I have unfinished business on Earth!
- Oh, dear god!
- I have to come clean.
- Tucker, Sister's just
trying to-
- I seduced your mother.
- Say what now?
- You said, I don't know,
something I didn't like,
and so I looked up "Mom" in your phone,
and, well, you know,
and then I told everyone she
had tits like icing bags,
and that she's so fat, that
when she walks on the beach,
she leaves glass footprints! (laughs)
- Hey, you should go tell everyone else
your unfinished business too.
- (sighs) Thanks, man.
I'll miss you.
(Donut whispers indistinctly)
Donut, I'm dead.
I'm sorry I always mocked
your alternative lifestyle,
and I-
- You helped
prevent Wash's injury, causing a paradox,
and now you're trapped in your past.
That's Carolina.
That's Wash.
You should ask yourself how you know them,
even though you haven't met them yet.
- [Sister] No!
- Me and Doc betrayed everyone,
and no amount of
atonement seems to fix it!
(electronic buzzing)
- Ah, fuck you, Kaikaina!
(Sister evily laughs)
- [Doc] Holy moly!
I survived falling off a skyscraper!
- Wait! Doc?
You're not dead!?
- Yeah!
(stammers) I mean, I guess not?
- I fought you through time and space!
- Yeah!
Man, you did so great!
That was such a fun fight!
It was like (grunts) punchin', wow!
- You're damn right.
Goddamn right it was!
(drums tapping fast tempo)
Alright, you fuckers!
Listen up!
- [Simmons] What?
- I have had it with this traitor crap!
You all think you're better than me,
'cause I have pink armor!
- Whoa!
- Yeah, I said it!
I'm owning it!
Pink!
You put me down, sidelined
me, leave me to rot,
shoot me over and over!
- Sorry!
- And when I die horribly at
the hands of some time god,
and come back with the explicit
task of saving your lives,
and when I'm the only person,
the only person, with any interest
in preserving the universe,
while your dumb asses wander
off and break time itself!
- Sorry.
- Shut up!
All you can think to do
after I fight O'malley across
time, space, World War II,
the moon, and a labyrinth
prison inside of a black hole
is execute me!?
- [Sarge] Vote to execute you.
- You wanna know what my crime was, huh?
You wanna know what I did?
How I slipped up when I trusted Chrovos?
I believed someone could like me.
- [Sister] Woof.
- So when I teach you
all how to time travel,
and thwart Genkins, I'm out!
Next time, you're stuck
in your boring ass lives
with your ugly decor
and drab fashion sense,
cry to some other Shisno!
(footsteps departing)
Pink!
- You are all going after
him and apologizing.
- (groans) Okay.
- If you say so.
(interposing voices)
- Did I hear right,
that I can time travel?
- [Washington] First, apology!
(Sarge grunts)
(footsteps departing)
(mellow instrumental music)
- [Sister] Donut, we're sorry!
- Please do accept my apology,
or I'll punch your face in half!
Five in the pink.
- Sarge!
I have trouble expressing remorse.
- Why is he just standing there?
- I guess he ran out of
distance to run away.
- [Donut] I can still hear you!
- Did you hear the sorries?
- Uh-oh!
- Shh, shut up!
Here he comes!
- You can't fix the things you've done
with the things you say!
I'm upset because I had to
see you all differently now!
You're dicks!
Big old dicks!
- I mean-
(Sarge groans)
- How about we show we're
sorry by fixing the timeline?
- That'd work for me!
- Then why don't you bring us up to speed?
- Yeah, yeah, okay!
Let me paint you a picture.
The year is 2019.
(interposing voices of disgust)
- [Caboose] That year sucks!
- That's the time.
- Oh, my heads up display needs updating.
Hang on one second.
- [Tucker] Is this really a good idea?
(Washington mumbles)
- Okay, boys and girls!
With the exception of Caboose,
who's already off time-traveling,
who has questions?
(sighs) That's a lot of hands.
Yes, you, O'Malley, the
traitor, abandoned by his god?
- Doc is fine.
If Caboose is time-traveling,
why is he still here?
- Hello!
- His consciousness is
inhabiting a Caboose
from a different timeline,
while he relives events to fix the past.
- Oh, right!
What?
- Am I not really here?
Where is that voice coming from?!
- How does reliving old
events fix the timeline?
- Okay, put a pin in that.
I'm just gonna show by doing.
We're gonna hop back in
time 10 minutes or so.
Ready?
- Wait, stop!
- What, not dramatic enough?
- You'll lose Carolina
and I if you do that.
We can only jump between points
on our original timelines,
not the alternate ones,
like the one we're in now.
If you jump back, Carolina and
I won't be here, uh, there.
- [Simmons] What?
- I think...
I think that's okay.
- How do you think that's okay?
I couldn't even understand it!
- Wash, you take Carolina
and fill her in somewhere
on your own timelines.
I'll take care of the others.
We're all gonna have to split up anyway,
if we're gonna fix time.
Genkins had a pretty big head start.
- Good point.
- [Tucker] You're seriously
leaving us with Donut?
- Hey, what was all that
about showing me you're sorry?
- [Sister] Called the fuck out!
- [Tucker] Sorry.
- Let's all check back
in from time to time
in order to gauge our progress.
I think almost all of us were on Iris,
so let's try there.
- The day the dinosaurs attacked?
- Mmm, day after.
Sister, I can fill you in one-on-one.
The day we met at Blood Gulch.
- Ah, a simpler time,
a time when I might have made a joke
about that suggested proposal.
I'm in!
- Perfect!
Oh, and before you go,
would you mind looping
in Lopez in all of this?
He's lying around somewhere
as a bodiless head.
This was a very difficult
period in his life.
- No problemo.
(footsteps departing)
- Is anyone else not
following this at all?
- Hush!
We're going back 10 minutes.
Everybody, mentally prepare
yourselves for time travel!
- How does one do-
(yells out painfully)
- What's happening?!
- [Donut] We time traveled back
to the way this moment
originally played out!
Isn't that exciting?
Ow!
- [Doc] Donut!
That doesn't look comfortable.
- Wait!
We lost Tucker!
- [Tucker] (groans painfully) My dickhole!
- Oh, yeah!
He's just in Blue base
recovering from childbirth.
- [Church] What are
you all talking about?!
- [Donut] Ah, gosh!
This is not going well!
- [Caboose] Hello, everyone!
It is I, Caboose!
- [Donut] Who said that?
Ow!
- [Caboose] Church, buddy,
this is gonna make a lot more sense
if you just go back to bed.
- [Church] Oh!
Yeah, that...
Okay, that makes sense.
- Night, Church!
I'm gonna go get Lopez.
Thank you for bringing everyone back
to the Singularity, Donut.
You mean, Everwhen?
(eagle screeching)
- Huggins called it a Singularity.
I don't know.
Be right back!
(footsteps departing)
- [Simmons] Well, that's
more cool by a lot.
- [Grif] Wait, did he say Huggins?
(Huggins hums)
(orb whirring)
- Hello!
- Huggins!
Buddy!
- [Huggins] Oh, hey, Grif,
you asshole!
- I missed you!
- [Huggins] You broke the timeline!
- [Grif] Bring it in!
- [Huggins] I'll kill you!
- [Caboose] We're back!
Just like I promised!
- [Donut] Oh, right.
Let's get you started.
I'm just gonna direct you from under here.
Is that okay, guys?
- [Lopez] LOL.
- [Donut] Okay, to time travel,
we focus on a particular moment.
When everyone's ready to go-
- Jeez, but it's hard
to take him seriously under a Pelican.
- I agree, but shush!
(Donut speaks indistinctly)
- [Donut] Stop Genkins
from altering the timeline.
Unfortunately, without
knowing where he's targeting,
this means we need to relive
our lives event by event,
just as they already happened.
- Entendido.
(electricity flickering)
- [Huggins] Nuh-uh, you dummies!
You don't need to entirely
relive your lives!
- Oh, dumb ass!
Bye, Lopez!
- [Huggins] I'm made of light.
I can scout ahead in time,
watch for alternate timelines,
then report to Caboose in the future,
so he can time travel back here to now,
and tell you when it is you
need to go to stop Genkins, hmm?
- That sounds incredibly convoluted,
and like it would take forever!
- It already happened!
I also took out the garbage.
- Does anyone else have a nosebleed?
- [Huggins] Yeah, we already done it!
Higher beings represent, baby!
- Still not sure I subscribe to this
"higher beings" malarkey.
(interposing voices)
- [Huggins] Oh, I'm fading!
I'm fading!
Please believe in me.
(orb whirring)
Oh, false alarm.
I just went to the fucking moon!
- You just saved us so much bullshit.
(sniffles) Thank you.
I'm sorry we fucked up time.
- [Huggins] (sighs) I cant
stay mad at you forever.
- [Grif] Ah, thanks, bud.
- [Huggins] No, I literally
can't stay mad at you forever.
Time is broken from Wash's injury onwards.
- Oh.
- You had one job!
- You mean, save reality?
- [Huggins] Fix it!
No pressure.
Love you!
(orb whooshing)
- Oof.
- And again,
why do we have to relive events?
How does that fix anything?
- Simmons, to answer your question,
you ever get like a gap in your zipper?
- 6th Grade, debate class.
Devastating.
- And then you have to sort of like
pull the zip back down past the gap,
and then re-zip it back up again!
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- Yeah, that's what we're doing,
we're re-zipping time.
- [Everyone] Ohh!
- I get it.
- Wow!
That's so much clearer.
- Are we sure we're back
in our right timeline?
Because Donut and Caboose are
the ones calling the shots!
- Tucker!
Gah, thank you so much for
acknowledging my assertiveness.
I have been working on that.
- And this is why I've got a sword,
and the gods gave you a golf club.
- Ahh, man, I miss golf club.
- [Tucker] How do we know this will work?
- [Donut] You wanna
know if this will work?
Well, it all depends on you guys!
So listen up, and brace yourselves,
'cause this will not be fun.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Here, I got it!
(alarm blaring)
This is every bit
of information about the
Blues and their soldiers.
- [Sarge] Can you erase it?
- I can, but Sarge,
maybe we should think
about this for a moment?
What happens if we delete the Blues?
- It means they never existed!
- But did you ever stop to think,
what does it mean to be
Red if there is no Blue?
If they never existed,
- My god!
- what's the purpose of even-
- This is the
best day of my life!
(button clatters)
(Simmons speaks indistinctly)
(computer screen buzzing)
(alarm blaring)
- You broke it!
- [Genkins] Sorry, lads,
your computer privileges
have been revoked.
So now, if you'd-
(computer screen whirs)
(alarm continues blaring)
(code chitters)
- Fine tech support, soldier.
(computer screen whirring)
(aircraft engine roars)
- Tex!
Don't do this!
(engine continues roaring)
(stammers) We've gotta stop her!
Right now!
(electronic flickering)
- Okay, where's the Genkins?
Who got the Genkins?
- No problemo, Blue!
Andy, you there?
- [Andy] I'm here, Coach!
- What's going on?
- [Andy] Tex is hooking up
Wyoming's helmet to the computer!
- [Sarge] Ready for your job, soldier?
- Andy, of course.
- [Andy] You bet!
- Alright then, son.
Do what you were born to do.
Detonate.
- [Andy] On second thought,
can we reschedule my death?
Why rush to a climax, you know?
- Preach!
- AWOL little a-hole!
That was a direct order!
- [Andy] Nah, they got an XBOX up here.
I think we're gonna chill!
- My testicles send their regards, Tex.
You metal bitch!
- [Genkins] Yeah, Tex here.
What he said.
Also, Church, you know, you're
the ghost of a weird dude
who created the robot
equivalent of a body pillow.
(rocket whooshing)
(Genkins speaks indistinctly)
- No!
(rocket continues whooshing)
(explosion booming)
- Yeah!
(gun clanks)
Give me a percussive vasectomy!
- You!
- Huh?
- [Church] Girlfriend killing fuck!
(Sarge moans ecstatically)
- Mother of god!
(alarm blares)
Better do it again, just to be sure.
(electronic flickering)
(computer beeping)
(chuckles) Oh, satisfied sigh.
Well, that's that.
Time for...
Time for the rest of my life, I guess.
(chuckles) Not fun.
What's not fun about time travel?
(alarm continues blaring)
(electronic whirring)
- Why did it have to be this?
(gun cocks)
- Surrender now,
and I promise only to kill the mercenary.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(gun cocks)
Surrender now,
and I promise only to kill the mercenary.
- [Grif] Oh, yeah?
You and what army?
- [Locus] The Federal Army of Chorus.
- Alright, what's different?
Locus is with the Feds,
Felix is acting all good guy,
and Freckles is fighting-
(intense whooshing)
(explosion booming)
- [Dos.O] Cómo se dice.
Engaging-o target-as.
- Great shot, Dos.O!
- [Tucker] What?!
That's not right!
- [Washington] Get to cover!
- [Felix] I thought that
thing was malfunctioning?
- [Tucker] It's supposed to be!
(rapid gunshots firing)
- Let's give our
bots some backup.
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Dos.O laughs maniacally)
(explosions booming)
(maniacal laughter continues)
- Target those drones!
- [Tucker] We're gonna win?
- [Washington] That's the spirit!
Keep pushing!
(rapid gunshots firing)
- [Tucker] Come on, think, Tucker!
How did we stop Dos.O last time?
- [Grif] Donut, toss me more future cubes!
- [Tucker] That's right!
It was...
Donut?
- [Donut] Yeah! (Laughs)
Who else wants a taste of the Big D?!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(explosions booming)
(gunshots continue firing)
- Sorry, everybody.
(gunshot blasting)
- Hey, where are you going?
- [Tucker] Genkins!
(Dos.O whirring)
- Que?
No!
How do you people keep finding me?!
(rocket blasting)
- Tucker!
- [Felix] What the fuck
is your robot doing?!
(uptempo instrumental music)
- [Tucker] Gods can't
hurt a Shisno, Genkins.
And your accent is shit!
(explosion booms)
(explosion continues booming)
- [Washington] What are you doing?
- [Simmons] They're pushing back!
(gun cocks)
- Our left flank
is completely open!
- [Tucker] Son of a bitch!
(explosion booming)
(radio static)
- Come on!
Everyone pull it together!
We can still do this!
- (sighs) No, you can't.
(detonator clanks)
(alarm beeping)
- [Felix] Everyone, down!
(explosion booming)
- [Caboose] Freckles, no!
(gun whirring)
(explosion booms)
(body thuds)
- Wash!
- You bastards!
Stay away from my men!
If anyone's gonna kill 'em,
it's gonna be-
(explosion booms)
- [Grif] Sarge?
(gun cocks)
(explosion booms)
- [Felix] Dammit, they got Donut!
Everyone, fall back!
- [Caboose] Where is Tucker?!
- [Lopez] Tucker, ¿que Pasa?
- [Tucker] Oh, Lopez!
I kinda forgot you were here.
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
I don't know what you said, Lopez,
but I'm sorry for this.
(gun clatters)
(intense dramatic music)
(gunshot blasting)
- [Felix] There was nothing
you could've done differently.
- Yeah, I know.
Wash just had to be on the
other side of that cave-in.
That's just how that moment plays out.
- [Felix] Well, that's
one way of looking at it.
- [Tucker] Still,
(grunts) it hurts to lose.
- That's war, Tucker.
Not everyone-
- Not everyone makes it back.
- [Genkins] Kill him!
- Who said that?
- [Felix] Not really a quote.
Just something I tend to say.
Guess you do too?
- Oh-
- Kill him
before he betrays you all!
- Where are you?!
- I told you, we're at headquarters.
Are you okay?
- [Genkins] Your armor's AI module.
But that's not important!
Picture it.
- Get out!
- [Felix] Okay, I can
see you need a minute.
- [Genkins] Your sword
sliding between his ribs,
finding his black heart.
Why not indulge your desires
before time crumbles around you?
- It won't, because Donut has a plan,
and I'm sticking to it!
(Genkins laughs maniacally)
- [Felix] Wait! What?
- [Genkins] Donut?
A plan by Donut
will surely lead us to
victory! (laughingly snorts)
- This was one of the
worse moments of my life,
but it reminded me of something.
I became a leader on Chorus.
And since we left it,
I've been trying to act how
I thought a leader should,
cool, macho, totally self-confident.
but somehow, I forgot that I wasn't
any of those things while
I was actually leading.
I was scared all the time.
Constantly second-guessing myself.
But when shit got bad,
I was the one to step
up and make a decision.
That's all it is.
And right now,
Donut's doing a better
job of that than anyone.
So yeah, I've got faith.
What've you got?
(Genkins grunts)
- [Genkins] This isn't over!
(electronic whooshing)
- [Felix] Okay, yeah, he
has so much concussion.
(electronic whirring)
- [Tucker] Hey, man!
You in there?
I mean, like-
- Yep!
Welcome to the rendezvous.
How'd it go on Chorus?
- We lost, just like we were supposed to.
- Donut?
(groans) What does it
mean when everything goes
kinda outta focus?
- It means you've made a paradox.
- Oh!
Neat.
No reason for asking whatsoever,
just, what if, you know,
theoretical, hypothetical,
I gotta go do something
not related to this?
Bye!
(electronic whirring)
We should build a water slide!
(footsteps departing)
- Ah, dear.
Maybe I haven't done a
good enough job explaining?
- Hey, you're doing great, man!
- I...
Really?
- Yeah!
I think I could re-learn
a thing or two from you.
- Wow!
(chuckles nervously) I
don't know about all that.
- Just take the compliment,
you angsty bitch!
(footsteps departing)
- Okay.
(electronic whirring)
(ominous growling)
I know that's you, Genkins!
(ominous growling intensifies)
Oh, boy!
Meta's scary.
(clears throat) Look, you can
possess the Meta, or Church,
or even our armor,
but you can only do one at a time.
And we're a team now.
We outnumber you.
You gotta stop.
(Meta menacingly growls)
I'll take that as a no,
but you should ask yourself,
is Chrovos gonna give you what you wanted?
Look how O'Malley ended up.
She doesn't share power.
She takes it.
What if all your work is for nothing?
(Meta growls)
(electronic whirring)
Oh, thank god!
For a second there,
I thought I was talking to the...
(Meta growls)
The actual Meta.
(Meta deeply growls)
- [Washington] I had no idea
our lives were so-
- Don't say it!
- Come on!
Fun!
Admit it!
And much needed friend time.
- I see you more as a
brother at this point.
- 'Cause you can't get rid of me?
(Carolina laughs)
Knowing your siblings were
a bunch of mad-cap AI,
I prefer friends.
(Carolina chuckles)
- (softly sighs) I know
we worked this out,
but I'm really sorry, Wash.
- Hey, you gave me some
time without a brain injury.
I'm thankful for that.
I'm at peace with what's next.
- [Carolina] What do you mean?
- (sighs) Our last mission.
- This is our last mission.
Wait, there's no mission here, is there?
(softly sniffs) You didn't
bring me here for that.
- No.
- You're going to fix the
last paradox, the original.
You're saying goodbye.
- Goodbye?
I was still me, wasn't I?
Cerebral hypoxia, it's manageable.
It's a small price to pay
for the universe, right?
Carolina?
- [Carolina] Yeah?
- You know I love you, right?
- (sighs) I love you too.
(electronic flickering)
(Carolina gently sobs)
(sniffs loudly)
(waves lapping)
(exhales forcefully)
(electronic flickering)
(portal whooshing)
(footsteps pattering)
- Ah, my second favorite companion.
- [Genkins] Oh?
- Don't feel bad.
I've known the utter silence
of confinement for longer.
(Genkins loudly sighs)
Sorry, dear, it's just I haven't
seen a new crack in hours,
and they seem to be disappearing.
Do you have something to tell me, Genkins?
- [Genkins] The Shisno,
they're awake.
- [Chrovos] What did you think of time?
- Look, I didn't factor
Washington into-
- Come on!
Opinions!
The order in which things
occurred, was that agreeable?
Can you think?
Did you know, that at the
moment of the Big Bang,
the universe occupied one small spot?
That time expands with space,
but in that moment
before space, still time.
A bath of it.
I long to pause it, to lie
there with truth and fact,
cause and effect cast
off, like tight clothes,
so overtaken with oneness!
But I no longer need that
little orgy, Genkins,
because you have utterly fucked me!
You have failed.
The gods will tear you apart.
My one remaining hope
is that they'll do it
somewhere in here,
so I can watch.
- Do you really think I don't have a plan?
You forced Donut back through time.
You decided where in time he was placed.
If I can do the same
to the Reds and Blues,
I can keep the blighters out of the way!
Have free reign to create
all the paradoxes I like!
- You don't have the power to do that.
- So give me more!
- That would require most of my energy.
Too much for me to even take back.
Are you an idiot, or do
you just think that I am?
- Without your full power,
I can't achieve anything
worth mentioning out there!
My best shot is freeing you!
Once you kill the Shisno,
and absorb their energy,
something I can't do-
- I'll be the more
powerful one again.
(giggles) You're a canny one.
We really are related.
(portal whirring)
- I don't see that you have a choice.
(intense whirring)
(Chrovos groans)
(intense whooshing)
(Chrovos yelling)
(electricity flickering)
(Chrovos moans)
(intense dramatic music)
- There's so little of me left.
Hurry!
- You know...
You know, I've just had
an even better plan!
Oh, go me!
- What?
- Okay, listen, listen.
Best plan ever!
I can't harm the Shisno,
but anyone a god can convince to can.
Any old cyclops seems to be able to
give them a proper thrashing!
Your Shisno firewall is a
bit shit, really, isn't it?
- [Chrovos] You...
You little shit!
(electricity whirring)
- (laughs) How about this?
I hold the Reds and Blues
somewhere out of the way,
then, weaken your prison again
til' it's ready to shatter.
Same old plan.
But then, I just, bink,
have the Shisno killed!
Drink up all that power for myself!
- No!
- But I'll come
and visit, Grandma.
Once I'm all juiced up on Shisnos,
I'll pry you out of there,
like an oyster, (laughs)
and slide you down my throat.
(electricity whirring)
(Genkins laughs maniacally)
Listen to me!
I've spent too long with Donut!
(continues laughing maniacally)
Oh, I love Donut.
He's great.
(intense dramatic music)
(rapid gunshots firing)
- This is it.
This is all that's left.
I'm ready.
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
(gun clatters)
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
(intense dramatic music swells)
(electronic flickering)
(intense dramatic music
continues swelling)
(gunshot firing)
(aircraft whirring)
- You can rest now, Agent.
(footsteps pattering)
Hello again, everyone!
Don't worry, don't worry!
You'll be back to your scheduled
programming soon enough.
Now, you may feel an
odd sort of sensation.
That is you not-breathing.
(bullet clatters)
I'm pausing this succulent little moment,
and holding you here for a bit,
just while I clear my to-do list,
now that I have all the time in the world.
(laughs maniacally)
Toodles! (laughs)
(intense dramatic music)
(rapid gunshots firing)
- I wasn't shot!
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
Hey, hey, shoot me!
(body thuds)
- (grunts) What are you doing?
- Trying to get shot?
- [Locus] Please, don't.
(rapid gunshots continue firing)
- [Grif] What the fuck just happened?
(gun cocks)
- God dang effective range!
(gun cocks)
And you, shotgun.
- Is that how I sound?
- [Past Sarge] Damn you,
projectile dysfunction!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Zealot groans)
(gun clatters)
(rapid gunshots firing)
(blow thuds)
(gunshots blasting)
(Zealots groaning)
- [Sister] Oh!
Oh, my!
Everyone get out!
I am gonna fuck that guy!
- Sit-rep.
- Genkins stopped me from being hurt.
Now he's keeping us here somehow.
I can't seem to jump to
other points in time anymore.
- (sighs) Okay, where's Donut?
- [Sister] Over there!
Look!
- [Past Donut] Yaahh!
- No, that's not our Donut.
Listen.
- [Past Donut] I wanna blow you...
- Okay, nevermind.
- Away!
(explosion booming)
- Where was Donut during this,
when you came to the past to rescue me?
- He...
(sighs) He left!
When we did this, Donut had already gone
to take on Chrovos.
(intense dramatic music)
- Whoa!
What...
What happened to you?
And why am I here?
- [Chrovos] Genkins, both accounts.
- He betrayed you? (scoffs)
- He betrayed me first, little bastard.
I need your help.
- What?
- Stop him.
- Why, because he's
gonna finish your plan?
- It doesn't matter who's doing it now!
Do you want my help or not?
- [Donut] How can you help me?
You're a mess.
- This was my plan.
I know how to stop it.
(footsteps pattering)
- [Past Sarge] You comin', Wash?
- Yeah, but my rifle jammed!
- Want one of my shotguns?
- No, I'm gonna pry the
chaingun off this Pelican.
- [Past Sarge] (chuckle) If he's single,
there's no hope for any of us.
- Okay, we can't seem
to leave this timeline.
Donut's gone!
What are our options?
- The Time Gun!
- (gasps) That's right!
(gun clanking)
(laser whooshing)
(portal sizzles)
Ow, fuck!
- Dammit!
Portals aren't working either.
We can't leave this place in time.
- [Washington] Wait,
hand me that Time Gun.
Grif, go in that hallway over there.
(footsteps pattering)
(portal whooshing)
Grif, can you hear me?
- Sure.
Hey, Simmons, maybe it was a fluke.
Try going through again.
(portal sizzling)
- Ow!
My dermis!
(Grif laughs)
Yeah, fuck you, Grif!
(gunshots firing)
- Hey, it was just a prank, bro!
- I set a delay of a millisecond.
It's basically real time.
It's like a video call.
- Okay, but who knows more
about this than we do?
(gun whirring)
- And fool me thrice, shame on me again!
Point taken!
But four times?
- If your stupid voice is
the last thing I hear...
Look, I'm not betraying you.
I wasn't going to destroy
the universe, or any of that!
I just-
- You just what?
- My children beat me with a club,
bound me with a hammer,
and encased me in cogs.
You don't do that for no reason.
I just wanted to see if
there was a better way.
And true, I would've torn the
starry curtain from its rings,
struck a single shrill
note of panic in my babies
to be stretched across-
- Wow, it's a miracle!
She's totally changed!
Gee, but I wonder how I ever doubted her?
- But I'm not a monster.
- You didn't mind ruining
our lives to change yours.
Just tell me how to stop Genkins!
- The club.
The club they beat me with.
- Club?
What club?
(electricity sizzling)
- That one.
(Donut gasps)
- (yells) That stings!
(electricity sizzling)
- Donut, we tried that.
Have you got the hammer and your Time Gun?
- I'm afraid not.
Donut and I share a timeline,
so when I comes here, it
is always the present.
- Whoa!
Is that Chrovos?!
Are you betraying us again?
- No!
And what even is the present now?
- Me.
I don't go to parties, dear.
They come to me.
- [Both] Cool.
- Chrovos, I caught the gist
of what you were saying.
This club's special.
- It bound me.
I assume you received it from the gods?
- Yeah, everyone else wanted a sword.
- You made a fine choice.
- Thank you, spooky nightmare.
So we use it on Genkins.
Where would he go?
- He could be anywhere,
and now we don't have Huggins
scouting out the Everwhen!
- Chrovos, Genkins did research, right?
He had a plan?
- Yes.
- Let's hope he's running
it from the start.
I remember Chrovos said, that
he made the second crack,
the second paradox, way
back at the beginning.
Church's first death.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(electricity whirring)
- [Genkins] And again.
We're live!
Places, people!
- What?
- Church?
- Oh, yes, I'm supposed to
say, "Hey, Rookie, good job",
but fuck it!
I'm here to break time!
(screams maniacally)
Hey, Sheila, you bitch!
- Are you talking to the tank?
- If you ever hit the
broad side of a barn,
I know a good taxidermist!
Get the fucker stuffed
and mounted for you!
- Dude!
- What?
Is that Church?
- [Sheila] Target acquired.
- Hello, history!
(gun cocks)
Let's fucking dance!
- Can't go back there.
What can we do?
- [Washington] Our
portals seem to let light
and sound through.
We can watch and listen.
- Great!
- Guys?
I shot at Grif through the portal.
- Of course!
We shoot Grif.
Why didn't I think of that?
- What I mean is, it's
not just light and sound,
objects go through too.
(suspenseful dramatic music)
- Wash?
- On it.
- Time to clog some pipe!
Bow-chicka-wow!
- Hey, Genkins?
- [Sheila] Firing main cannon.
(cannon blasting)
(explosion booming)
- Son of a bitch!
- What?
- Sheila, no!
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(portal whooshing)
- What?
- [Sheila] Firing main cannon.
- Son of a-
(cannon whooshing)
(Genkins thuds)
(screams out painfully)
(interposing voices)
- [Caboose] These graphics are awful!
- [Genkins] You fucking termites!
- Damn!
- [Genkins] You mortal dimwits!
(maniacally laughing)
You think you can stop time?
(continues laughing maniacally)
Time!
Time stops you!
(echoes reverberating)
(intense booming)
(intense dramatic music)
(Genkins laughs)
(groans loudly)
(club whooshing)
Good job speeding up
your deaths, dickheads!
(laughs) We weren't meant
to do this for like a week!
(continues laughing)
- Shoot the bastard!
(rapid gunshots firing)
(Genkins grunts)
- May I finish?
(bullet clanks)
You know, with us swimming
around time together,
neither party able to progress,
y'all and I could've been immortal.
Did you consider that?
(gunshot firing)
(gun cocks)
- read the room, Genkins!
- Anywho!
I brought you somewhere special!
You don't have to thank me.
I hope you like labyrinths!
(laughing maniacally)
- Stick together, okay?
(sword whooshing)
No matter what he throws at us,
you're only as strong as
the person next to you.
- What?
(Sister screaming)
- [Caboose] Hello?
(sword whirring)
- Huh.
What?!
Guys?!
Where did you take them?
Bring them back!
(footsteps pattering)
(suspenseful dramatic music)
Hey!
Hey!
Guys, are you okay?
(footsteps pattering)
Where did you take them?
(floor thuds)
Bring them back!
(rain pattering)
- What?
No, no, no, no!
This has to be a trick!
I left.
Mom?
Mom?!
Mom, I'm so sorry!
(floor thuds)
I shouldn't have done it.
(floor whooshing)
- Who's there?
- No, no!
I got rid of you!
- Get what?
Do what?
- ¡Mantente alejado!
- No, please!
(Simmons screams)
- Take cover!
- No!
No way!
Not happening!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- A leader stands behind their
team for the good things.
In front of them for the bad.
Why am I still here?
(intense whooshing)
- They're where?
- Do these drab clouds usually rumble?
Where do you think?
They're in the Labyrinth.
- Well, that's great!
I'll just wait here
for them to get to us.
(Chrovos sighs loudly)
- How to put this with tact?
That would be a little like meeting a lamb
at the end of a slaughterhouse.
- Come again?
- We stay here, we die.
We retreat, we fall into a black hole.
- [Carolina] Oh, great!
- The Labyrinth is fiendish.
- I didn't expect the Labyrinth to have
quite so many...
(machine grinding)
(rapid gunshots firing)
Minotaurs.
- I think that one horn
makes them unitards.
It's French.
- Burnstorm built it to keep me in,
and it sort of runs on irony.
It doesn't kill them, not directly.
- Okay, listen up!
Donut, grenades from cover.
Hit the emplacements.
Once they're rattled, Lopez,
turn their gun mounts to scrap.
- [Chrovos] Imagine a cube
containing a light bulb,
lined with mirrors.
- Sarge, Tucker, Carolina, you're with me.
Everyone else, lay down cover when...
Right flank!
Carolina, on me!
Everyone pin 'em down!
- [Chrovos] It becomes unbearable inside.
- Alright, let's roll with the punches.
Everyone on us, counter attack right side!
- [Chrovos] Too bright.
- One at a time, we'll cover-
(rapid gunshots firing)
Get down!
(explosion booms)
- [Chrovos] Too hot.
- No!
- [Chrovos] In this case,
their emotions are the light bulb.
- You're zeroed, spread out!
- [Donut] And the Labyrinth is the cube?
- Carolina, (pants heavily) I need-
- [Chrovos] No, their minds are.
- No!
No!
- The Labyrinth is a
reflection of themselves,
where their own amplified
negativity overwhelms them.
Their only escape is to self-destruct.
- Listen to me, you bitch!
I can only assume some
fluke of time travel
brought you here.
But this Labyrinth ain't big
enough for the two of me, okay?
(footsteps pattering)
Nothing to say for yourself?
You know what?
We should talk.
I don't give a hot fuck if
this messes with the timeline!
You need to hear this.
I feel so much rage when I look at you.
You know that?
You prioritize yourself over everything.
You're going to get people killed.
Heck, you're going to kill people!
And they won't always deserve it.
Dad won't love you more
if you keep winning.
He can't.
He died when mom died,
and you'll bury him.
Your competitive streak stops.
I'm demanding it!
- Oh, you're done?
Okay, you got pretty talkative.
No need for the lecture.
I can read your whole, shitty life
from your whiny tone of voice.
- Oh, you think you're so-
- Directionless?
Scared?
No.
No, actually, I... (laughs)
I feel great.
Weird to hear all that from you, though.
Let me unpack this.
You've now tasted defeat, I'm assuming,
and you were, aww, sad for a while?
And you want people around as crutches
in case you trip again.
- [Carolina] (scoffs) When have I ever?
- Think about it!
Ever allied with someone I didn't need?
A friend in a high place?
A bolt-hole?
A wingman?
To forget how to utilize
people is to forget yourself.
Forget me.
And frankly, that'd be damning enough,
but you went further.
Carolina, you stripped away
what comes without thought,
what's instinctual, your passion.
What greater betrayal is there?
(footsteps pattering)
You're not you anymore.
(portal static hissing)
- My friends are too strong
to defeat themselves!
I mean, I know how
that sounds, but-
- they defeat themselves,
because they're strong!
They derive strength from righteous anger,
a memory of hardship, a fear
of the future, negativity!
The Labyrinth simply reflects
these motivations back at them.
- So let me out?!
- I can't.
I haven't the power.
- So take my Shisno-whatever!
I have a fragment of you,
so take it back and use it!
- It's not enough.
I'm sorry to say, but your
friends are isolated, tormented,
and some may already be dead.
I'm sorry.
(portal static hissing)
- Oh, I'd doubt that!
But you will be.
Did she tell you what this Labyrinth does?
- It's hurting them.
- Again, not physically.
More elegant. (evily laughs)
- I'm gonna get them out,
and then I'm gonna lock you in there,
somewhere your fears can eat you!
- (laughs) It's not just fears.
On occasion, it'll give
them something even nastier.
For some people, it gives them
what they think they want,
and it gets ugly! (evily laughs)
- [Office Worker 1] Hey, Sarge?
You get those documents?
- Sure did!
- [Office Worker 2] How are the kids?
- Oh, they're...
Yeah, they're kids.
- [Office Worker 3] Sarge,
we're gonna go get pho!
Are you in?
- Sure, why the pho not?
- [Office Worker 4] Hey,
did you send me that report?
- Technically, I'm on a break right now.
- [Office Worker 4] Oh, right now?
Yeah, that works!
Thanks!
(Sarge laughs heartily)
- Kill me.
(phone rings)
(phone continues ringing)
(cup clanks)
God dang office helmet!
(slurps loudly)
(sighs longingly) There's gotta be more,
more than city life,
mochas, and matcha cortados,
and tacos, and faux croissants!
Like the Army life, the life I dreamed of!
I could storm a beach.
Kill a Nazi!
(phone rings)
(sighs longingly)
(slurps loudly)
- Sarge?
- Yeah?
- [Office Worker] Landing in one minute.
- Right.
Wait!
Landing?
I'm sorry, I don't-
(screams loudly)
(continues screaming)
- 30 seconds!
(gunshots blasting)
(rapid gunshots firing)
(soldier groans)
(explosion booms in the distance)
(soldiers yelling)
- Whoa!
(Sarge yells)
Yah! Look out!
Ricochet!
Yow!
I take it back.
(bullets whizzing)
I take it back!
Please, God, I take it back!
- No!
No, no, no, no, no!
(whistle trills)
- Six o'clock, fat camp!
- Coach Prestwood!?
- We are 'ere to discover
what the Lord gave to you
instead of athleticism!
- I'm sorry I peed
myself climbing gym rope!
- Could you repeat that?
I couldn't hear you over....
(gunshots firing)
Bang, bang, bang!
- Ah!
- Via elimination,
and this here startin' pistol,
we'll work out what
you're good at, Puddles.
(gunshots firing)
(Grif yells)
Startin' with not dyin'!
If you fail this test, you
will be forced to try again.
- Oh.
- Once reincarnated!
(gunshots firing)
- No!
(footsteps pattering)
(panting heavily)
(grunts loudly)
(feet thudding)
No!
(grunts loudly)
(feet thudding)
(fire whooshing)
Aah!
(breathes heavily) No
more, please, please!
Lungs filling with blood!
(pants heavily)
(explosion booms)
(gags loudly)
(rocket whooshing)
(frightened yelling)
(Prestwood laughs)
- Rest is for winners!
(gun cocks)
(laughs maniacally)
(gunshot blasting)
(Grif yells)
(bullet whooshing)
- Don't get snipped by me snipper riffle!
(gunshot blasting)
Snip!
(Grif grunts)
Go on, lad!
You're doing it!
(maniacally laughs)
(Grif groans)
- You made me hate effort itself!
You are the worst gym teacher!
(dramatic instrumental music)
(gunshot blasting)
(Grif screams)
(rock thuds)
(Sarge screaming)
(rapid gunshots firing)
- Bangalorg!
Mangalord!
Starlord, Rocket Raccoon, whatever!
The explodin' tubes
from the "D-Day" movie!
- What-
(explosion booms)
- In my defense,
replacing a box of grenades
with a box of avocados
kind of is doing my job.
- [Simmons] Exactly how do you figure?
- Health is a war inside of us.
- I'm mostly just insulted
that you thought I wouldn't notice!
(punch whooshing)
- [Lopez] You wouldn't
notice your own reflection
without the help of a color wheel.
- Is that so, Private?
- Wait, what did I just say?
- Wow, Lopez!
This morning, you hog all
the food at breakfast,
and now you're disrespecting
your superior to his face?
- I don't eat breakfast!
I...
(smacking lips)
Do I have a taste in my mouth?!
- Private, you're about to taste my boot
up the back of your throat via your ass!
- Stop calling me Private!
You are not my superior.
I am a robot.
I am superior to all of you.
- Are you nuts?
Everyone knows the only
robot on Red Team is Gustavo.
(intense whooshing)
(metal squeaking)
(Gustavo speaks in Spanish)
(intense whooshing)
Ah, Gustavo,
you're the best!
- No!
No!
(footsteps pattering)
- [Genkins] And they'll
die willingly for duty,
self-sacrifice, or just
to take their destiny
into their own hands.
- Oh, why was I born a terrible meat sack?
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
(Lopez screams)
(portal whirring)
- Delicious! (giggles)
Don't worry, you'll join
them soon enough. (laughs)
- Don't say, "toodles".
- Toodles!
(portal whooshing)
- Well, that's that.
- What is this Labyrinth?
- A fearsome AI, a predator
that kills its prey with logic.
It rarely has to fight physically, Donut.
But when it does, I hear it really fights.
It's said, that if you
see one of its avatars,
you must kill it immediately,
quick as you can!
Because if it gets into
your head, you've lost.
- And if it's already in their heads?
- Yes, I'm sorry.
(intense dramatic music)
- Donut?
Look, I know you said
to stay out of the way,
but-
- Doc?
- Yeah, it's me!
Sorry.
- Why didn't you say anything?
- I've been politely
waiting for my turn to talk.
I kinda appeared here when you did.
How do I get over there?
- Doc's a Shisno.
Would his fragment of your
power, plus mine, be enough?
- Well, I can think of
better uses for it, but yes.
Donut, I think you just found
your way into the Labyrinth.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Ow, stop!
(Grif groans)
(uptempo rock music)
(rapid lasers firing)
(Grif yells indistinctly)
Ah!
(rapid lasers continue firing)
Okay, so slam, one, two, slam.
One, two, slam.
(object thuds)
(object continues rapidly thudding)
(Grif grunts)
(pants heavily)
- [Prestwood] Mate, blunder of a run!
(intense thudding)
Nice score on the Labyrinth's leaderboard.
What should I put as your initials?
- My last request is that it be A-S-S.
(object thuds)
(Prestwood groans)
- Shit!
- What?!
How?!
- [Donut] I heard you
needed to beat a guy off,
and I came right away!
(intense bubbling)
- Fuck!
What is happening?
(portal whooshing)
- [Chrovos] You were
about to kill yourself.
- I was?
Wait, are you on our side now?
- You may want to hurry and
stop your friends from dying.
I don't know what side I'm on.
- Whoa, dying?!
Where's Kai?
- Sister's going through
the same thing you were.
Grif, wait!
- He's got the right idea.
Doc, lets split up.
We'll hit different
parts of the Labyrinth,
and rendezvous later.
- Okay, okay, I can do this!
I can do this!
I can do this!
Right, Donut?
(footsteps departing)
- O'Malley, you're needed.
- It's Doc.
- Exactly.
Allow O'Malley out.
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(footsteps pattering)
(suspenseful dramatic music continues)
(footsteps continue pattering)
(light whooshing)
(panicked yelling)
(pants heavily)
- (laughs evily) Enough!
Let's show these fools
what true evil really is!
- I'm not letting you out!
- Without me, your hands are ornamental!
- That's not true!
- I get things done.
I'm more popular.
When you're not me, people are like,
"Hey, where's O'Malley?"
"Love that guy!"
Face it, you're my alter ego!
(evily laughing)
- Shut up!
I've got something to say to you.
If I suck, then you suck,
and if you're strong, then I'm strong too!
Difference is, I'm as
strong as both of us!
I own this body!
Now...
- Let's...
- Fuckin'....
- Do this!
- Grif, Lopez, Simmons,
Kai, Tucker, Carolina.
(Washington yells loudly)
O'Malley?
(explosion booms)
- Oh, he wishes.
(fire crackling)
(intense dramatic music)
- [Grif] Kai, why is the
Labyrinth showing you
our burnt out family home?
- Started small.
- What?
- It's not like in the movies, Dex!
There's no glow inside.
It's just dark.
Nobody in that room, but me and the knife.
- Whoa, you did this?!
- No, no!
I just didn't replace the smoke alarm,
and I got home, and-
- All my memories
were in there!
Fuck, Kai!
Where's mom living?
- The trailer park?
- What?!
Hey! You left!
You left us!
- I was drafted!
You're a fucking arsonist!!
- I'm not!
- Yes, you are, Kai!
You did this!
You're a fucking-
(gunshot firing)
(body thuds)
(gun cocks)
Kai?
- What's-
- Look at me.
- [Sister] What's happening?
- You're trapped in
your own head right now.
None of this is real.
- But I...
What?
I burned down our house, Grif.
(fire crackling)
- [Grif] No, you didn't.
I shouldn't have left you.
- But you were drafted.
- (sighs) No.
No, I needed more structure
than a bearded mom
and school could give me, so I enlisted.
I ran away.
- What?
- I didn't mean to run away from you too.
Cards on the table, I heard about this,
about the fire.
- What?!
- (sighs) I kept quiet,
'cause I couldn't face you.
I felt guilty,
guilty you had to go through that alone.
- (sniffles) You felt guilty?
- Do you (chuckles nervously) forgive me?
- (sniffles) Okay.
- Look, we can still talk about
this anytime you want, okay?
- (softly sobs) Does it have to be
in the charred ruins of our home?
- No.
In fact...
(gun cocks)
(gunshot blasting)
(intense bubbling)
Stupid fuckin' Labyrinth!
- Up yours, stupid labyrinth!
- [Grif] There you go.
- When we blow the sand bank,
I want you to clear
everyone from the bunker!
- [Soldiers] Yes, sir!
- I was only talking to Sarge!
- [Sarge] No, sir!
- That's an order!
- I think we're gonna have to agree,
to dis...
(gun cocks)
I'm agreeing with you.
And thank you very much
for this opportunity.
(laughs nervously)
This is it.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Sarge.
- Please don't smoke here!
(gunshot blasting)
(bodies thudding)
- Great cranial crapshoot!
Whoa!
Why are you guys in Normandy?
Cheese tasting, cider,
the Bayeux Tapestry?
- We're rescuing you from
what is clearly an illusion.
- [Sarge] But I got orders
to charge the bunker.
(intense bubbling)
- [Washington] Countermanded, soldier!
- Okay, listen!
This is inside Simmons' head.
My illusion was super
private, same as yours.
So whatever we see here
has to stay secret.
- (scoffs) Fine!
- Take this seriously!
- [Simmons] No, don't steal my penis!
I haven't even used it yet!
- [UFO] We will utilize your penis
for scientific experiments!
(Grif laughs)
- "Take this seriously!"
(Grif continues laughing)
- No, we should...
We should definitely help him, eventually.
- [UFO] Stop running!
(footsteps pattering)
- Hello?
(footsteps approaching)
Tucker!
- [Tucker] Hey, Donut.
- You...
You okay?
- [Tucker] Yeah!
Look, I defeated the Labyrinth.
- Oh, yeah, this illusion seems to be off.
Say, where's your sword?
- [Tucker] Oh, here it is.
- Can you turn it on for a sec?
- (laughs nervously) Why?
- 'Cause only Tucker can turn it on.
(intense dramatic music)
(gunshot blasting)
(body thuds)
- [Doc] Donut, are you okay?
(intense bubbling)
- [Donut] (gasps) Tucker!
- (grunts) Donut?
You came back!
- Yeah, man.
- Everyone was gone.
I had a panic attack and passed out.
Are they okay?
- Still got my penis.
- What?
- Oh, this is weird!
You guys have been, like, haunting me,
telling me you're dead,
and trying to get me to throw
myself into a black hole.
Obviously, not you, but-
- It's us, don't worry!
Now, jump off that edge buddy.
It's our way home.
Too soon?
- It's still happening!
(gun thuds)
(Sister wincing painfully)
- [Sister] Dick!
- Okay.
Caboose and Carolina are
still captive, or dead.
You all find Carolina,
and I'll find-
- Hi!
- Hey, Caboose!
- Hello!
Yeah, we already said that.
- [Washington] What
happened in there, buddy?
- Yeah, I think it was
trying to make me hungry,
but I didn't let it make me hungry.
So yeah, I won.
- [Grif] Caboose, it
was trying to kill you.
- Oh, thank god, 'cause I'm so hungry.
Let's get some pancakes!
- [Washington] Okay, let's do this.
Time to fight whatever
Carolina is afraid of.
- No, no, no!
- I'll just keep watch here.
- Or she may die.
- Fine!
- Oh, come on!
(footsteps pattering)
- All I'm saying is if you
can say dad died when mom did,
you're a hypocrite.
By that logic, you're dead too.
- Shut up!
- Freelancer's disbanded, huh?
And apparently, I didn't gain anything.
- Shut-up!
- Aside from self-doubt!
Whatcha' gonna do now, huh?
Get a desk job?
Pop out a baby?
What even are you?
- I'll tell you what
she isn't, trauma queen,
a figment of a freaky labyrinth.
She's not real, Carolina!
- I'm real.
You don't like what you see,
because I'm your reflection.
- A mirror, that figures.
(gun cocks)
(gunshots firing)
Two-dimensional.
Backwards.
(gunshots firing)
And what?
I'm meant to feel ashamed
when I look at you?
Well, you're damn right I do!
- [Sister] Snap!
- [Past Carolina] I'm
what you can no longer be.
(gun clanks)
- Yep.
And you're in my way.
(suspenseful dramatic music)
(gun clanks)
(footsteps pattering)
Leave her to me.
- [Sarge] Not a problem!
(firsts whooshing)
(both grunting)
(blow thuds)
(Carolina groans)
(backflip whooshing)
(feet thudding)
(Carolina grunts)
(fists whooshing)
(blows thudding)
(body thuds)
(intense dramatic music)
(blow thuds)
(Carolina groans)
(blows continue thudding)
(neck cracks)
(blows thudding)
(Carolina groans)
(blow thuds)
(feet shuffling)
(intense dramatic music continues)
(both grunting)
(air whooshing)
(body thuds)
(Past Carolina groans)
(body clatters)
(intense dramatic music continues)
(feet stomping)
(blows thudding)
(blows rapidly thudding)
(Past Carolina yelling)
(blows thudding)
(Carolina groans)
(blows continue thudding)
(air whooshing)
(body thuds)
(blows thudding)
(Carolina groans)
(intense dramatic music)
(explosion booms)
(Past Carolina groans)
(wall shattering)
(body thuds)
(wincing painfully)
(intense dramatic music)
(electronic static flickering)
(intense dramatic music swells)
(Carolina grunts)
(rubble thuds)
(Past Carolina groans)
(footsteps pattering)
(screams loudly)
(blow thuds)
(intense dramatic music continues)
(blows thudding)
(both grunting)
(blows continue thudding)
(both continue grunting)
(Past Carolina groans)
(blow thuds)
(blows continue thudding)
(intense ringing)
(body thuds)
- [Past Carolina] Admirable.
But you are weaker than me.
In this time, in this place,
you can't win.
- [Carolina] I don't need to.
(electricity hissing)
I found something stronger than strength,
more satisfying than
solitude and obsession.
I found people worth being strong for.
And right now,
any one of them could pop
you with a finger twitch.
- Say the word.
(intense bubbling)
- I have failed to do my duty.
- Your duty was to skulk around
in the dark and kill people.
- No wonder this thing
made a convincing me.
- I am no thing!
I am the Labyrinth.
Chrovos must not be set free.
- Oh, my gosh!
We're not trying to free Chrovos!
But the guy who brought us here is.
- I do not believe you.
- (groans) I came from
Chrovos' prison room.
Wouldn't I have done it already?
Think about it!
- [Genkins] Labyrinth!
What's taking so...
What do you think you're doing?
That club is mine, slave!
- I was merely holding it.
Why did you bring this item
into the Labyrinth, Lord Genkins?
It can harm your kin.
- [Genkins] Perhaps I'd
like to harm my kin.
- But the only member of
your family here is Chrovos.
- [Genkins] Oh, fuck me!
- None may release Chrovos!
(blows thudding)
(electronic whirring)
(club whooshing)
(intense dramatic music)
- [Genkins] What?
Stay back!
- Oh, we're done with back.
We're thinkin' forwards from now on.
- [Genkins] That's impossible!
That's...
(mumbles) Wait.
No, that's literally impossible.
There's only one golf club.
(Genkins groans)
(body whooshing)
(electronic bubbling)
(all gasping)
(groans) What is it with you people?!
I trap you in your past, you get out!
I get the powers of a god,
you skewer me with a golf club.
I drop you into custom-made nightmares,
and you make the nightmare
fight me with a golf club!
How are you like this?!
How do you do it?!
- Friendship?
- You can't beat us, Genkins.
You might've gotten Lopez,
but while we're united, you can't win.
- What?
- Lopez.
He fell from the Labyrinth.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no, he's alive!
If he died, then I'd have felt it.
I'd have been able to absorb his power.
- Well, he did die!
I saw it!
Oh, but black holes don't kill you.
They just take you back to
the beginning of the universe.
- They what?
- They go back to the beginning.
Huggins told us!
- Donut, for crying out loud!
- What?!
Huggins?
But I killed...
(gasps) That's how you kept finding me!
She survived!
She...
(frustratingly groans) of course!
No wonder Huggins survived!
The beginning of time.
Ah, what an idea!
Oh, if I were to go back
to the beginning of time,
I could break our stalemate,
gather strength over the
eons, as Chrovos did.
(evily laughing)
You are all just the noisiest,
most basic and boring
set of mortal peasants,
and I'd love to murder you all myself,
but given you're death-proof,
I'll settle for ensuring
you never existed.
(interposing voices)
- [Donut] Guys, wait!
Let him go.
- But-
- Toodles dickheads!
(laughs maniacally)
(air whooshing)
- Donut, what just happened?
- That was an elegant plan.
- Phew, good job I
figured that out in time!
And good job you can read minds.
And good job
that we did a good job-
- All right, shut up,
and tell me why we just let Genkins go?
What about justice?!
- Oh, he's going to prison,
but it'll be his kids
that put him in there.
- [Washington] Wait!
- (laughs) It's...
It's as though I just finished a puzzle.
- [Donut] I'm surprised you
guys didn't work it out.
I'm usually the last one to.
- You don't mean-
- Yeah,
it's a mind fudge, Wash.
But Chrovos had to come from somewhere.
- [Genkins] I am a god!
I am born of the gods themselves!
(object clanks)
I defeated Chrovos!
I am god!
I created the gods themselves!
I am Chrovos!
I am Chrovos!
I am Chrovos!
(gold club thuds)
- [Donut] So how does that feel?
- Not great.
- Well, I did what you asked.
Genkins wasn't allowed to succeed.
Instead, he failed so hard, he became you.
- [Sister] (laughs) Fuck!
- Huggins will tell the Cosmic
Powers about Genkins' plot
before it ever happens.
You might even have yourself a cell mate,
or yourself as a cell mate,
just as soon as we heal up the Everwhen.
Only one paradox left to go.
- I'm ready.
- Wash?
- It's okay.
Hey, guys.
I don't wanna be alone.
Will you...
Can you all be there
with me in Temples Base
when I get hurt again?
- You got it!
- We got you!
- 100%
- We'll be there.
- For you, absolutely.
- Of course!
- I'll bring the bandaids.
- For sure!
- As long as it's not
Tuesday between 1 and 12.
- I'll be there so hard,
there'll be two of me.
- (laughs) Thanks.
(footsteps departing)
(portal hissing)
♪ And me against you ♪
(portal whirring)
- The good news is, Wash is stable.
He'll be a little loopy forever,
but, you know, (chuckles
heartily) who isn't?
- And the bad news?
- Why do you gotta be so negative?
- Can we see him?
- Not just yet.
Save that enthusiasm, though,
'cause he's gonna have a rough few months.
- [Carolina] Yeah, (sighs) I remember.
- [Grif] You know, there
is a grief-themed pizza
at Sammie Raphaello's.
(interposing voices)
- Wash was shot!
- This is how I show love!
Donut, come on!
You'll eat pizza with me.
- [Donut] Nah, not this time.
I'm gonna go spend some time alone.
I've always been wrapped around
what everyone else was doing.
- I think you deserve that.
- Yeah!
I mean, I sure did go through
some awful traumatic stuff,
but technically, we closed
the time travel loop,
so it technically never happened.
Any of it!
So no biggie!
- My dang nosebleed's back!
- I sure will miss
knowing what's going on.
- I think I'll travel?
Maybe I'll see the universe?
- Yeah, as it turns out,
there's a lot of it out there.
(interposing voices)
- Yeah, we know.
- Tell me about it.
- Gods, time travel,
and all the black hole you'll want!
♪ Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow ♪
- [Tucker] And somewhere
in all of that, Lopez.
- Oh, man, I almost forgot about Lopez!
Where is he?
- He jumped off the edge of the Labyrinth.
Poor guy.
- Oh, whoa!
- Wait, doesn't that mean
he went to the beginning of time?
- Yeah, and he's non-organic,
so he'd just have, like,
floated there forever.
- [Carolina] Oh, god!
- Just Lopez and the dark
alone for billions of years.
Billions and billions of-
- Hola.
(interposing voices)
- [Simmons] That robot looks like Lopez!
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
- Lopez, wow!
You must've really seen some shit?
(Lopez speaks in Spanish)
You know, it's a real shame
I don't speak Spanish.
♪ I am the one ♪
♪ Wounding me ♪
♪ Makes me grow ♪
♪ Makes me me ♪
♪ Call me a freak ♪
♪ Call me wrong ♪
- Thanks for checking out that
episode of "Red Versus Blue".
If you're looking for more RvB,
you can find it in the playlist below,
or you can go to the app,
and get it 24 hours early
by becoming a first member.
Remember, watching our content
wherever is convenient for you,
supports us in making
more great animated shows.
It's the same as when you like, sub,
and mash that bell.