Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 12, Episode 2 - Hit and Run - full transcript

(electronic beeping)

(electronic beeping)

(alarm beeping)

(alarm beeping)

(man yelping)

- [Harv] Come in security,
this is headquarters.

- Jesus.

Yeah, copy HQ.

You scared the crap out of me, Harv.

- Sorry, Sam.

Hey, meant to tell you,



got a maintenance ticket for your console.

Daysha says it's throwing up warnings.

- Yeah, okay.

Motion sensor says there's
movement in the room,

but there's nothing here.

- [Harv] Ah, It's probably it, then.

You know, a bad indicator or something.

Or maybe it's that super soldier

right behind you who's
about to knock you out.

- Haha, yeah.

What?

- [Epsilon] Probably that last one.

Just a guess.

Sleep tight, Sam.



You set off the motion sensor, Carolina?

That's amateur hour.

- You're supposed to
disable the motion sensors.

- [Epsilon] Well, I couldn't do that

until I got in the room.

- And I couldn't get you into the room

without setting off the motion sensor.

- [Epsilon] Well you could.

You just didn't.

- Can we just get into the database?

I need the files.

- Already in.

Give me a drive.

- [Carolina] How long to decrypt it?

- Oh, please.

Already done.

- Already?

- It's a three tier lockdown
with a 2056 bit encryption key.

It ain't rocket science.

- You're getting faster.

- Well, that sounded like a compliment.

I will take it.

- How long to transfer?

- About 45 seconds.

- And you can't make that go any quicker?

- Well, that's the
limitation of physical media.

Don't even get me started on that.

Besides, that should give you enough time

to deal with the three security personnel

who are about to come through the door.

- Which door?

- [Epsilon] There's only one door.

They just set a breaching
charge, by the way.

- What?

- Detonates in three.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Two.

I just did.

- Epsilon!

- One, oh, you'll be fine.

(charge explodes)

If 45 seconds was a long
time to you, Carolina,

imagine what it is to me.

All right.

What do we have here?

Well, you boys look well armed.

All this for just one girl, huh?

(electronic beeping)

Really?

Model 44s?

Hey, D,

isn't there a high jam
probability on those things?

- The Charon Model 44
sidearm does not jam.

You're thinking of the 42.

(high pitched ringing)

- You mean we're thinking of it.

- Technically only you are thinking it.

I am just a memory of Delta.

- Well, I like have
someone to talk to you.

I get lonely sometimes.

- May I suggest buying a dog?

- Yeah, I'll consider it.

- We're getting a dog?

- No, Theta.

- Aww.

- The Model 44 does use
computer assisted aiming.

You overload the processor

and reduce accuracy by as much as 45%.

- Sounds good.

Put the twins on it.

(electricity buzzes)

(electronic beeping)

- All right, let's account
for that in trajectories.

- Are you talking to me or to Delta?

- He's talking to all of us, Theta.

- I'm just thinking out loud, guys.

All right, no, that's
good, but we can do better.

(electronic beeping)

- Oh, oh, look at this!

You can use the door as a shield.

- Hey, thanks, buddy.

(clanking)

(electronic beeping)

Yeah, that's better.

- Still, blood loss would be-

- I'm not done yet, Delta.

Just give me a second, okay?

- A second is a long time for someone

in our time base, Church.

- Just everybody stop talking
to me at once, please.

- Are you getting angry, Epsilon?

- No, I'm fine.

Beat it.

- [Omega] I'm here if you need me.

- He's scary.

- Hey, he can't do anything
as long as we ignore him.

Okay, kiddo?

- Might I suggest
prepping her healing unit?

- Nope, I'm gonna need
the power for her escape.

- Assume you make it that far.

- D, you are killing
me with the negativity.

Why don't you help me out

and give me a bio scan of these losers?

- This one has recently had knee surgery.

- Thank you.

Okay, let's pull the bolts
on my maintenance hatch,

give him a little bit of a stumble.

- First shot fired.

- All right, let's wrap this up.

Gamma, where are we at?

- Files still transferring.

- Okay, Carolina, how's your aim?

- She hasn't been sleeping well.

- She's been having bad
dreams about the bad guy.

- No, Theta, she's fine.

Don't worry about it.

(electronic beeping)

Delta, she's fine.

- This isn't very scientific.

- Well, sometimes you just
have to operate on faith.

- That seems unwise.

- Yep, but it is more fun.

There, that'll do it.

- She won't like that injury part.

- She never does, but if she
lives to complain about it,

she still lives.

Thanks, guys.

All right.

Looks like it's just you and me, sis.

Transferring analysis to your hud.

Let's do this.

All right!

(bullets firing)

(screams)

(bullets firing)

- You bitch!

- Epsilon.

Church.

- [Epsilon] Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

I just lost a few pathways,
but I can still hear you.

How'd you do?

- Had to improvise at the
end, but you got me started.

- [Epsilon] Eh, I had faith.

- Thanks.

Data's here.

Looks like our little
scavenger hunt just got easier.

You see this?

- [Epsilon] Yep.

Grab a helmet.

We'll do some repairs on the way.

(alarm beeping)

- [Epsilon] Sorry, there's
nothing I can do about that

in this state.

You need to move.

- Already gone.

(alarm beeping)

Apparently our friends in black

aren't just focused on armor enhancements.

These weapons are more advanced

than anything we've encountered.

How are they funding all this?

- Well, speak of the devil

and he shall appear.

- [Carolina] Another message from Control?

- Yep.

I picked out a clip you
might find interesting.

- [Control] What did we lose?

- The healing unit as well as
several miscellaneous files.

- Sounds like last week's
raid made the headlines.

- Keep listening.

There's something you need to hear.

- [Control] This is unacceptable, Locus.

I thought you told me you only worked

with reliable partners.

- I do.

The individual in charge of that outpost

has been eliminated.

I saw to the matter personally.

- [Control] I'm not paying to put bullets

through the heads of space pirates.

I'm paying you to ensure the
acquisition of my property.

And when I lose my property,
you lose your payment.

- If I could interject for a second,

you're not just paying us to collect

that freelancer tech from the crash.

- Wait, who is that?

- [Control] Felix.

Straying away from the New Republic

to join the conversation for once.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

- Those sim troopers you dumped on us

are proving to be more of
a handful than an asset.

If they find where we're keeping Wash

and if Kimball thinks they're ready,

I'm not gonna be able to stop them

from searching for their leaders.

And if they find their leaders,

this whole civil war charade's
gonna fall apart real quick.

- What?

- [Control] I can assure you,
they will never be ready.

- That's what I said, but
my partner isn't convinced.

- [Control] We will continue to move

Agent Washington's group sporadically-

- Sir.

What if they do manage to make contact?

- [Control] This inquisitive behavior

does not suit you, Locus.

If the Reds and Blues manage
to reunite, kill them.

- Carolina, we have to go back.

- What the hell is
going on on this planet?

- We can figure that out along the way.

Right now, we just need
to get back to the guys.

If Control has infiltrated
both sides of this war-

- I know.

Recovering equipment can wait.

- Actually, there's one more
thing I want to pick up.

- What?

- We're a long way from the guys.

So what we need is a shortcut.

(soft music)

- How bad is it?

- Well, fortunately missed
your femoral artery.

- That's good.

- No, sweetie, you had
a knife inside of you.

That's the opposite of good.

- Call me sweetie again,

and there'll be a knife inside of you.

- Ooh, you're hostile.

I'd love to psychoanalyze you.

- The leg, please.

- Ooh, yes.

Be sure not to put any unnatural
strain on those muscles.

If you reopen the wound,
it won't be pretty.

- Great.

Hey, what do you know, Carolina?

Taken out by an oversized steak knife.

- Well maybe if someone had remembered

to account for hidden blades.

- Hey, I'm an AI, I'm not a babysitter.

- So there's a tiny ghost man here.

Anybody care to introduce me?

- Ah, that's Church.

Yeah, he had to leave for a while,

but I knew he would come back.

- Bullshit.

You were totally depressed.

- What?

No!

No, Tucker.

You're not remembering that right.

No, I would not do something like that.

I would not spiral downward

into an emotional state of depression

and try to fill it with the remains

of a mechanical pet just
because I miss Church.

Stupid Tucker.

- Oh, forget you.

I'm gonna analyze him.

- Dr. Grey, this is Agent Carolina.

She and I were operatives
for Project Freelancer.

As for Church, he's an
artificial intelligence fragment

from the same organization,
codename Epsilon.

And to make a long story short,

he kind of used to be
the leader of Blue Team

before I showed up.

- You tried to murder us.

- That was a misunderstanding.

- I know, I'm just saying don't
gloss over the good parts.

- At least he didn't abandon us.

- Psychoanalyses for everyone.

- Oh, boy, can I go first?

I have got a lot of
things crammed inside me.

- Now, hold up just a second.

I want to know what in the
name of Benedict Arnold Palmer

is going on around here.

We've been tricked,
we've been back-stabbed,

and we've been quite possibly bamboozled.

- Yeah, and whenever that
shit starts happening,

it typically means you Freelancers

had something to do with it.

- Project Freelancer is gone.

We all saw to that.

- "Colorful Space
Marines Stop Corruption."

That was the news article
Locus brought General Doyle

when he suggested we find you.

I always thought the title

was meant to describe your appearances,

but now I think I get what
the writer was going for.

- What I'm saying is
that Project Freelancer

isn't behind any of this.

This is something else.

- Hmm, the plot thickens.

- Look, man, after we crashed,

Carolina picked up a transmission.

A couple of assholes were talking about

selling cloaking equipment to
another couple of assholes.

There was no way we were
gonna let that slide,

so she decided to leave,
I decided to go with her.

We figured you guys would be fine, okay?

- Oh yeah, totally.

We were totally fine.

Just doing our thing, hanging out,

drinking margaritas, getting
captured by evil mercenaries.

Great time.

- Oh, man, Tucker, I am so sorry.

I mean it, my sincerest apologies.

I had no idea that you had turned into

such a whiny bitch while I was gone.

(gun fires)

And you still haven't grasped
the concept of a hologram.

Man, you're just having a
really tough time today,

aren't you, buddy?

- Man, I thought we had issues.

- Heh, this is better than
any daytime television drama,

and that's some quality programming.

- Maybe Church will turn out to be

someone's long lost brother.

- I think we've had enough
plot twists for one lifetime.

- And his real name is Horatio.

- I'd watch it.

- All right, enough.

Tucker, there's no way they could've known

all this would happen.

Right now, we need to focus
on the bigger issues at hand,

even if Epsilon is being a prick.

- Oh, don't you start too.

- We started investigating,

and it didn't take long for us to realize

that something was very
wrong with this planet.

Abandoned cities, soldiers everywhere.

We kept to the shadows

and gathered as much intel as we could.

And what we found was worse
than I had anticipated.

- How so?

- This third faction on
Chorus, these space pirates,

have managed to acquire
Freelancer equipment

and are manufacturing more
advanced versions of it

on a mass scale.

Versions that don't require
the assistance of an AI.

- But how is that possible?

I thought the UNSC confiscated everything

Project Freelancer ever created.

- They did.

But then they put those
creations on a ship

and that ship crashed here.

- Wait, what?

- Guys, don't you think
it's a little weird

that our transport vessel

also happened to be carrying
tons of weapons and vehicles,

and that it just so
happened to magically crash

on a planet in need of
those kinds of things?

- What exactly are you suggesting?

- Someone wanted our ship to crash.

- So what you're saying is
there's no way any of us

could be responsible for the crash.

- I, well-

Yes.

Why do you ask?

- Sir, this area is reserved
for authorized personnel only.

What were you doing in there?

- Oh, sorry, I just noticed you guys

were using a really outdated web browser.

I went ahead and updated it for you.

Now it's the one NASA uses.

No need to thank me.

- Those are the ship's navigation systems.

You can't just update that stuff.

- Tell me about it.

Once I started with the browser,

I couldn't stop myself from
changing the graphics card too.

- You what?

- And the motherboard and the fan,

and oh, hey, by the way,
I'm glad you're here.

How do you feel about
acrylic window panels?

- I-

- The answer is you love them.

(alarm blares)

- [All] No reason.

- Ugh, you guys are missing the point.

Someone managed to ensure
that Freelancer equipment

made it right here,

to this tiny rock in the middle of space.

These guys aren't just some
asshole raiders and mercenaries.

They're organized and they've
managed to work their way

into our own forces.

- In short, we have no
idea who we can trust

until we find the people
behind all of this.

- Okay, hold up.

Aren't we all forgetting something here?

- Ah!

Yesterday was Mother's Day.

- There are two armies that are ready

to blow each other's brains
out thanks to Locus and Felix.

We've got to tell them they're being used.

- That's not going to be easy.

- What do you mean?

You've got those teleporter cubes.

That's how we got here, right?

Let's just zap ourselves
over to the New Republic.

- Tucker, we've only got a
few of those things left,

they're kind of tricky to use,

they put an enormous
strain on a physical body,

which by the way, all of you have.

That's not even the main problem, though.

- Those two mercenaries are thorough.

They've got some sort
of radio jammer setup

that only allow broadcasting
on certain frequencies,

and they monitor all other open channels.

We tried to contact you when we overheard

your radio transmission to
Donut from the crash site.

Not only did we fail, but
Locus managed to trace the call

back to this hideout.

We were lucky he missed us,

and I doubt we'll have
luck on our side again.

- Yeah, and if they've gone
through all the trouble

just to keep their radios quiet,

I can guarantee you they're
not gonna let you guys

within a mile of Doyle or Kimball.

If they're not already by their side,

then their cloaked space
buddies definitely are.

- We need more intel.

We need the upper hand on these guys

before we can even think
about taking them on again.

And to make matters worse,
we don't have much time.

- What makes you say that?

- We've managed to eavesdrop

on a few conversations
between the mercenaries

and someone calling themselves Control.

They've got plans and protocols
for just about everything.

And I'm willing to bet
they've got one for this.

- Meaning?

- Look at it this way.

11 people on this planet
know what's really going on,

and until those 11 people
are tracked down and killed,

I'm talking about you guys, by the way,

there's really only one thing
the space pirates can do,

and that's to finish what they started.

- Oh, oh, wonderful.

Duped by a freelancer posing
as one of our own men.

Can you taste irony in that?

- If you would have kept
your ego under control,

they'd be dead by now.

- Okay, no we don't have the facts

to prove that, all right?

So let's not, you know,
start throwing blame around

or anything, okay?

Please, thank you, you're welcome.

- Stop talking.

- [Control] Gentlemen.

Though I'm inclined to
further chastise you

for your most recent failure,

I suggest we focus on
the opportunity at hand.

- And exactly which opportunity is that?

- [Control] The Reds
and Blues are missing.

- It won't be long before
my scout team finds them.

- [Control] Perhaps.

But all that truly matters is that you

prevent them from making
contact with their armies.

- We've got snipers shadowing
the generals as we speak.

- [Control] Marvelous.

Then you are to transport
back to your respective armies

and report the deaths
of the Reds and Blues.

They will become the martyrs needed

to push these people towards
one final confrontation.

Do I make myself clear?

- [Felix] Crystal.

(soft music)

- Grif, we just want to look at it.

- That's what the UNSC guy
said about the Grif Shot,

and I never saw it again.

- The what?

- Meta's weapon.

Grif kept it as a trophy
until UNSC confiscated it.

- Until then, I thought I was the only one

man enough around here to
cry, but Grif proved me wrong.

- It had sentimental value.

- Damn it, Grif, hand over
that laser this instant.

- You can't tell me what to do.

I outrank you, again.

- What the- (splutters)

Let's see you outrank
the end of my shotgun.

- Uh, gun?

Fucking space laser, bitch.

- Yeah, this is taking forever.

- Hey, hey wait a minute.

(spluttering)

- Woo.

Oh, okay, all right, yeah, here you go.

- Thanks.

Ugh, why is this so greasy?

- You think that's bad?

Imagine how I feel right now.

Being inside of his body

is like trying to breathe
through a trash can.

(spluttering)

- God damn it, I hate that.

- Fascinating!

An AI with the ability to
jump from soldier to soldier.

Tell me, does he travel
via your neural implants

or is it something more subtle?

- Implants.

All Freelancer personnel have them.

- I thought only the Alpha could do that.

- Yeah, just another trick I picked up

from one of my old memory buddies.

God, it gives me a headache, though.

- Come on, let's dismantle this thing

and see what we can learn.

- Hey look, but-

- When we're done, you can
have it back in one piece.

Probably.

- Ooh, ooh, you mind if I tag along?

- Yeah, advanced weaponry
is my fifth favorite hobby,

right behind destroying my enemies

but just ahead of karaoke.

- No, thanks.

I think Epsilon and I have it handled.

Why don't you catch up for a while?

You've all been through a lot.

- Yeah, I'd stick around for the reunion,

but some of you guys still
seem pretty pissed at me,

so I'm just gonna wait for that to settle.

- So, how have you guys been?

- Shut up.

- Same old, same old, huh?

That's cool.

- Well, I don't want to intrude

on such a sweet moment of reconnection.

- Fine with me.

- I was being polite.

I'm actually far more interested
in foregin technology.

Bye!

- Okay, bye!

She seems nice.

- Right?

- I think she has a few screws loose.

- Oh, I could always
help her out with that.

Bow chicka bow-

- Wait!

- Oh, come on, dude, it's been ages.

- Washington.

I almost forgot.

Where's Freckles?

He probably has some screws loose also.

- Oh, you know what?

I think I'm just gonna go take a peek

at that laser thingy after all.

I'm just dying to see it.

I mean, it is just killing me not to-

Oh.

Nope.

Got nothing.

- Yeah.

(speaking Spanish)

- Yeah, this is great.

Church is back, you're back.

It's like all of us made it back

safe and sound in one piece, no problems.

- Caboose.

- Alive.

- Caboose.

I'm not really sure how to tell you this

without both confusing you

and breaking your
disturbingly fragile heart.

- I am an emotional time bomb!

- Jesus Christ.

(clears throat)

Caboose.

I'm afraid this is all
that's left of Freckles.

It's his brain, sort of.

- Freckles?

You're-

You're-

You're so tiny now!

- Oh, what?

- It's so good to see you again!

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy, Freckles?

- So you're okay, then?

- Ah, Wash, this is great.

Now he can fit in my pocket

and I don't have to worry about him

trying to kill you anymore.

- I guess that is sort of better.

- Thanks for looking after Freckles, Wash.

I know he can be a handful.

- Literally at this point.

- All right, let's go
for a walk, Freckles,

'cause Wash is acting
weird and dramatic again.

Good to have you back, Agent Washington!

- Hmm.

It's good to be back.

- [Grif] Back off lady, or I
will put you in the ground!

- And the moment's passed.

- You were about to take it apart.

- What did you think dismantle meant?

- How did he manage to get the laser back?

- He's deceptively heavy.

(speaking Spanish)

- Grif, for the last time, put the laser-

(laser fires)

- Oh, okay.

Look, that was an accident.

- I'm going to break your fingers now.

(yelps)

- Excuse me.

Where did you find that rifle?

- Hey, I picked it up
after Carolina dropped it

at the snow base.

Are you even familiar with the
international dibs protocol?

- The pirates have been manufacturing

these along with the armor enhancements.

They've got facilities
scattered around the planet.

- So then you're sure it's manmade.

- Yeah, positive, why?

- Well, for starters, it
isn't using human technology.

It just fired some kind
of modified plasma energy.

Very deadly and pretty.

- Plasma?

- Alien energy source.

I've seen it countless
times on archeological digs.

- Wait, I thought you were a surgeon.

- I have an IQ of 240.

A prodigy can only cut
people open so many times

before she needs to find a hobby.

- Jesus, could try cross-stitching?

- I sew them back up, thank you very much.

- Hey, I didn't Felix say that
he was paid in alien tech?

- I believe he said he was paid in babies.

- The fuck?

- Don't ask.

- He was definitely carrying
around an old plasma rifle,

but I thought he said it was broken.

- It's likely it was.

The Federal Army arranged
a similar deal with Locus.

They figured trading useless antiques

for military assistance was a good deal.

- So the mercs stock
up on alien technology

and hand it over to the pirates
for reverse engineering.

- Giving a new kind of weapon,
half human, half alien.

- And every single one
of them pointed at us.

Fantastic.

- Do you have anything else like this?

- What about the future cubes?

- The what?

- [Donut] Future cubs,
the cubes of the future!

- They look kind of like
the laser gun, right?

- That's your deductive reasoning.

They're related because
they're both orange and glowy.

- So?

- So if I heated your
armor to 1,000 degrees,

would you think you're related too?

- Fahrenheit or Celsius?

- Oh, come on.

There's clearly a resemblance.

- Oh, of course, just like
the uncanny resemblance

between apples and fire trucks,

or Caboose and the Pacific Ocean,

or Lopez and a dingleberry!

- Okay, I get it.

- Hey Grif, let me ask you a question.

You ever get your sister
confused with mustard?

You know, since they're
both yellow and cheap.

(gun fires)

Yeah, nice try.

Still a hologram, by the way.

- Epsilon, he's right.

- Yeah, I know, I just
wanted in on the action.

- Both types of equipment seem to utilize

some form of alien engineering.

But how did you know what
the teleporters look like?

- 'Cause we had them in the canyon.

Duh.

- Wait, you did?

- Yeah, they were awesome.

- We found them while
we were sneaking aboard

our ship one night in an
attempt to destroy the Blues.

I mean, the Blues' robot.

May he rest in peace.

- Which reminds me.

How did you guys teleport
with those things?

We can only figure out how
to transport random junk.

(speaking Spanish)

- Oh my gosh, that's right.

We did use them to defeat Dos.0.

(speaking Spanish)

- Okay, everybody shut up.

Listen.

If the same people
making weapons on Chorus

had cargo on our ship, then
we might be able to find out

who they are.

- How?

- A manifest.

- Yup.

- That's right.

A transport ship that size
would need to keep track

of all its cargo.

- So if we find the manifest,

we find out who supplied
the teleportation grenades.

- So you think a bunch of evil bad guys

working outside of the law

are gonna worry about paperwork?

- What, you got any better ideas?

(sighs)

- No.

- Then we have our objective.

Half of us will travel back to the canyon

and search Crash Site
Bravo for the manifest.

- Why split up?

- Because the rest of us will be searching

the other half of the ship,

at Crash Site Alpha.

- What do you want?

- Just wanted to see how you were doing.

- How am I doing?

How do you think I'm doing?

I put all of our hope into the
hands of a bunch of strangers

and they run off and
get themselves killed.

- It was a leap of faith.

Sometimes you fall.

- Well, we're falling fast.

I believed in them.

- [Felix] And they believed in us.

- What are you talking about?

They left us.

- Kimball, they
accomplished their mission.

They actually managed
to rescue their friends

and they were going to come back.

I saw it myself.

They wanted to end this war.

They wanted peace for Chorus.

- Well, what good does that do us now?

- Plenty.

If you go back up there
and you tell those men

that their heroes died fighting for them,

then you can turn this
tragedy into something more,

turn it into fuel for one last fire.

- Felix, they're mourning.

- When they should be fighting.

Vanessa, how many people
have we lost at this point?

Do you think it'd even count?

The only thing different
about these soldiers

is that they inspired us,

and I'm telling you they
can still inspire us

even though they're gone.

I was waiting to tell you.

I recovered some data from the compound.

The Feds are all gathering
in the Capitol this week,

I mean all of them.

Some sort of rally or something.

I don't have all the details,

but it sounds like they're
getting ready for one last push.

I guess without the Reds and Blues,

they think they can
finally put an end to us.

But I think we need to hit them first.

- You want to storm Armonia?

That's insane.

- I want all of us to do it.

Think about it.

One mission that could end everything.

We may never have
another chance like this.

- I told Tucker the same thing.

- You've got an army up there

that wants to avenge their heroes.

I say it's time you let them.

(sighs)

- Okay.

Okay, okay.

This could work.

No, it will work.

It has to.

- Now there's the leader I know.

Never give up, right?

- Right.

Transfer that data over
to my personal computer.

Then let's get a meeting
together in the war room.

- You got it, boss.

And Felix?

Thank you.

For everything.

- I'm just doing my job.

- All right, each team has
two teleportation grenades.

One to transport you there
and one to get you back.

First priority is obtaining the manifest.

But while we're in, we should also search

for additional supplies.

Teleporters, weaponry,
anything that could help.

I don't expect there to be
a hostile presence at Bravo,

but be careful nonetheless.

- Don't get shot, got it.

- Alpha's another story.

We've acquired its
coordinates for teleportation,

but never actually investigated the area.

From what we've gathered,

it's a massive hotspot
for pirate activity.

I'd understand if you
don't want to join us.

- Given the situation,

I'd say you need all the help you can get.

Count us in.

- Yeah, pretty sure Church
would be disappointed

if I didn't come also, so.

- Dr. Grey, you stay here
and keep an eye on things

while we're gone.

- Wonderful.

I'll prepare a meal out
of the surrounding fungi

and vegetation for your return.

- Please don't.

- See you when we get back?

- Just don't get captured.

The last thing we need is
another fucking rescue mission.

- Amen.

- Okay, people, the mission starts now.

(teleporter grenade explodes)

- Epsilon.

- [Epsilon] Motion
tracker says we're clear.

- Clear?

- [Epsilon] What, did I stutter?

- And you're sure we're
in the right place?

- [Washington] Carolina!

I think we're in the right place.

(electronic beeping)

(electronic beeping)

(laser firing)

- I remember it being bigger.

- No way, this place was always cramped.

I couldn't walk two feet without
stepping in your garbage.

- [Donut] Oh, come on, guys.

It's not the size that
matters, it's how you use it.

(speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Hey, knuckleheads.

Get your asses off
memory lane and get back

to looking for supplies.

Me and Princess Bubblegum

have got an entire ship to search.

So far we ain't found diddly squat.

The least you can do is
stop jamming up the radio

with your darn pillow talk.

You got that?

- Technically, sir, you've
only got half a ship to search.

- [Sarge] Why you good for nothing little-

- Nice.

- You know, Simmons, I can help but notice

a severe lack of ass-kissing
ever since we found Sarge.

- Ah, well, we've all been kind of busy

with the whole genocide prevention thing.

You know how it goes.

(speaking Spanish)

- I don't know, man.

Maybe being in charge of those
rebel guys rubbed off on you.

- [Donut] Hey, Donut again.

I think you accidentally muted Sarge,

but I couldn't help but overhear

what you just said about guys rubbing off-

- [Simmons] What do you mean?

We were terrible leaders.

- [Grif] Well, yeah, but you gotta admit,

they made you feel pretty important.

- [Simmons] Eh, I guess.

- [Grif] Hey, where's Lopez?

- [Simmons] I don't know,

probably off doing the
actual mission or something?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Tucker] This is bullshit!

They've got armor enhancements,

they've got laser guns,

and now they've got giant space dicks

Shooting loads of energy
out of the ground?

The fuck is that about?

- If you don't keep your voice down,

we'll never find out.

- Whatever, Church said
the place is deserted.

- Still, it gives me the creeps.

And I'm starting to think we might not

have been the only ones
to crash on this planet.

- Oh, what was your first clue?

- Mine was the spaceship.

- [Carolina] Over here!

Think this'll work?

- Well, it's still online,

so there's that, at least.

Infrastructure's a mess, though.

It's-

Oh, damn, hold on a second.

- Seriously?

Church couldn't find the
zoom on a sniper rifle.

What makes you think you
can just plug in and find-

- All right, got it.

Sorry, Tucker, what were you saying?

- Don't be a show off.

(distant roaring)

- What was that?

- Uh-oh.

Four hostiles just popped up on radar.

- How close?

- Not very.

If we keep quiet, we should-

(distant roaring)

Right, fuck that.

Okay, give me a drive now.

- Wait, what's happening?

- It's in.

- Transferring data.

- Dude!

- Yeah, how do I say this?

They know we're here and
they're coming to kill us.

- Yeah, one of those days, am I right?

Am I right, guys?

Just one of those days.

Because, 'cause, it's
pretty much the worst.

(explosion)

(tense music)

- How did they find us?

- I don't know.

- How much time left on that transfer?

- Hard to say, this
computer is beyond fucked.

I'm doing what I can, though.

- Don't worry, we can wait.

- We can?

- Watch your right.

(guns firing)

- Dude, we gotta go.

- Hold them off for a few more seconds.

- Behind us!

(guns firing)

- Oh come on, that's just cheating.

- Church!

- Hold on!

(guns firing)

- Man, fuck this.

- Wait, Tucker!

- Get us out of here!

- Damn it!

(teleporter grenade explodes)

- So, how did it go?

- You fucking jackass!

- Church.

- Me?

We were sitting ducks out there.

- Tucker.

- What? What? (splutters angrily)

We almost had it!

We only needed a few more seconds!

- You don't know that.

- What the fu-

Yes I do!

Newsflash, I was there,

and by the way, I'm made out of numbers!

Why can't you just trust me?

(teleporter grenade explodes)

- One manifest hot and ready to go.

(chuckles)

No need to thank us.

But don't let that discourage
you if you want to.

- At least the Reds managed
to bring something back.

All we got was a-

Wait, Caboose!

- Hi, that's me.

Oh my God!

(groans)

- Where the hell did he come from?

- He must have teleported back with us.

- My life just flashed before my eyes!

It was awesome!

Let's do that again!

(groans)

- My leg.

- Out of the way, doctor coming through.

- [Epsilon] Damn it.

- [Dr. Gray] Oh, well,
that is a lot of blood.

- [Washington] Somebody restrain this guy.

- [Donut] I've got just
the handcuffs for the job.

I've been saving them
for a special occasion.

- Well, Carolina's patched up again.

Grey really hounded her on
the no more super speed thing.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen

a civilian lecture a
Freelancer like that before.

It was pretty entertaining, actually.

- Hey, Wash, you got a sec?

- I swear to God if you want
me to look at another rash,

I'm gonna hit you.

- No, it's just-

It feels like every choice
I make is the worst.

- Oh, holy shit, you're being serious.

- Back at the canyon you
told me to try to be better.

And ever since then, that's
all people keep telling me.

Try this, try that.

Well, I'm fucking trying,
and so far all that happens

is I either get people
killed or I ruin the mission.

I mean, how are you supposed to know

if you're making the right call?

- Well, you don't.

There's never really a
right or wrong answer.

You just have to stick with
what you think is best.

- But what if what I think
is best totally sucks?

- Then you learn from
it and you try again.

- Oh my God.

It's like you people are on fucking loop.

- Tucker, I know you're frustrated,

but you have to realize
that making mistakes

is just part of the deal.

Even with everything you've screwed up,

look at how far you've made it.

You're not the same person
you were back in Blood Gulch.

- Is it bad that I kind of wish I was?

- Yes.

You were a terrible
excuse for a human being.

- Hey.

- I'm kidding.

- Fuck you, dude.

I'm over here spilling my guts and shit,

and you're cracking jokes?

That's messed up.

- Now who's melodramatic?

- Man, I should've just
left your ass with the Feds.

- Hey, Wash, can we
borrow you for a second?

- Everything okay?

- Well ever since that pirate
guy regained consciousness,

Carolina's been trying
to get info out of him,

but so far nothing's working.

- So you need help with the interrogation?

- Actually, we were hoping
you could calm down Carolina.

(glass shattering)

- [Carolina] Why won't he talk?

- She's a little frustrated.

(somber music)

(Carolina growling)

- Well, she definitely
takes after her mother.

- Was her mother some sort

of silver back gorilla on steroids?

- Yeah, you better be happy
her mother's not around

to hear you say that.

- How's it going?

- Oh, you know, terrible.

- You still got the manifest?

- Yes, actually, no thanks to you.

The Reds did managed to bring back

a completely intact drive

with the ships record's and manifest.

- Yeah, you know, suck it, Blue.

- And thanks to the Reds,

those documents are currently locked.

- Oh.

Wait, yeah.

- What?

- Yes, apparently they
accessed the ship's records

the last time they were on board,

but since they didn't
have the proper clearance,

the files are now in security lockdown.

- Aren't you like part of the Matrix now?

Why don't you just hack it?

- Oh, what don't I just hack it?

Oh, why don't I just
download the mainframe

and cross-reference to the database, huh?

Don't talk to me about technical shit.

This is hard, okay?

It's just making me a little-

- Frustrated.

- I was gonna say
completely filled with rage,

but yeah, frustrated.

- Talking about me?

- Actually, no.

- I don't get it.

He's not giving up anything.

- Excuse me.

I've been washing your blood off my armor,

so I'm a little late to the conversation.

Did you say the prisoner's awake?

- For now, but I've got
five bucks that says

Carolina rips his spine
out within the hour.

- I'll take those odds.

- I see.

If you don't mind, do you think

I could have a few minutes alone with him?

- You gonna give him a Band-Aid
for every beating he gets?

- Well, if you recall, he and his partners

turned every one of my
friends at Outpost 37

into piles of ash.

Anyone sick enough to
do something like that

would almost certainly
benefit from a checkup.

(soft music)

- Ooh, what's the matter?

Did the big bad Freelancer
get all tuckered out?

- Do you know where we are?

- Huh?

- This is a remote research facility

designed to study the
surrounding wildlife.

I volunteered at one just
like it in grad school.

It's got a laboratory, an incinerator

and oodles of state of the
art surgical equipment.

Would you like to see them?

(screaming)

(Dr. Grey singing dementedly)

- [Zachary] Oh, God!

- Sarge, I'm scared.

- Simmons, we're all scared.

I mean, except for me.

His name is Zachary
Miller, he's ex-military

and he was kind enough to
hand over the coordinates

to a nearby radio jammer.

- You're kidding.

- No, silly, I'm Dr. Grey.

Ha, dad joke!

- All right.

Think he's in a position to
answer a few more questions?

- Oh, absolutely.

Let me just go put them back together.

- Caboose.

- Yes?

- Don't ever stick your dick in crazy.

- I have no idea what that means.

- I know.

- You'll find his belongings
on a crate over there

and then his tone is much more positive.

Isn't that right, Zachary?

- For the love of God,

get this psychopath away from me!

- He's all yours.

- Hey, Carolina, I'm gonna
go dark for a little bit,

focus on this manifest.

You got this?

(chuckles)

- Oh yeah.

The radio jammers.

Talk.

- I already told your friend
about the nearest one, okay?

I want to know about all of them.

- I don't know all of them, I swear.

Look, if you take out
the jammer at the coast,

you'll at least be able to
make contact with the capital.

That helps, right?

Now will you let me go?

- There seems to be a misunderstanding.

Your options are either
A, staying here forever,

or B, the incinerator directly behind you.

(laughs nervously)

- Good point.

Well, what else do you want?

- The giant tower at Crash Site Alpha.

What is it doing?

- What, the tractor beams?

That's why your ship crashed
here in the first place.

They're some of the only alien relics

we've managed to activate.

Ships come by, we pull them down

and then kill everyone aboard.

After that, the mercs sell
the supplies to the armies.

Would have worked on you too,
but something went wrong.

It was like the ship tried
to jump to slip space,

change course and power
down all at the same time.

It didn't make any sense.

Instead of pulling you down,
the ship got ripped apart.

- I'm gonna go ahead and claim

partial responsibility for that.

- How many of you are on Chorus?

- Enough to get the job done.

- Give me numbers or I give
you back to the doctor.

- Whoa, let's not get hasty.

There's a few dozen of us, all right?

- A few dozen?

- Quality over quantity.

You Freelancers should
know something about that.

I worked with the mercs on
another job a long time ago.

I guess I did good,
because they came back,

and they had the offer of a lifetime.

- Wiping out an entire planet?

- You call it genocide.

I call it one hell of a paycheck.

- And who exactly is
paying for all of this?

- Beats me.

The client sends us supplies

and scientists to run the
weapons manufacturing,

but Locus and Felix are the
only ones that talk with them.

We'll get the occasional direct order

if things are getting
dicey, but other than that,

we're kept in the dark.

And I can tell you this though.

Whoever it is has invested a lot of time

and a lot of money into this project.

If you think they're just gonna sit back

and let you throw it all away-

(laughs)

Then you've got another think-

(gun fires)

- Damn it!

(guns firing)

- [Washington] Again?

- Epsilon!

- I'm here.

There's three more closing in on the guys.

- Tucker Sarge, more pirates incoming.

- [Sarge] What?

Men, battle stations!

- Get into the lab as soon as you can.

We can hold them off from here.

- [Tucker] Got it.

- We've got more hostiles inbound.

- What?

(frantic shouting)

- What the hell is going on?

- We're being surrounded.

- How do they keep finding us?

- I don't know, is
there a tracking device?

- Is this supposed to
be some sort of apology?

- [Locus] Is it?

- Oh no.

- Everyone get ready.

(gun cocks)

Today is a good day-

(teleporter grenade explodes)

Sit down for a minute
and just have a rest,

'cause I think I'm gonna throw up.

- Ugh, we're back at the gas station?

- Good, I think I need a bathroom.

- I would not recommend it.

(coughs)

- How did we get here?

- It's Freckles.

Freckles is the tracking device.

(somber music)

(electronic beeping)

(clears throat)

- Men, may I have your attention please?

- All right, everyone, listen up.

Today's the day.

- Today is the day we
defend this once great city

from the those who wish
take it for themselves.

- You all know your roles.

Squads will split up and
surround the Capitol.

Then we sneak in and
hit them from all sides.

- Once the enemy has entered the city,

the exits will be sealed
and any hope of retreat

will be dashed.

- I won't lie to you.

Today may be one of the
worst days of your life.

And for many of us, it's
going to be the last.

But we can't give up.

We've come too far and lost too
much to throw this all away.

- The New Republic believes
they can end this war today,

and they are correct.

What they fail to realize is
that the Federal Army of Chorus

shall be the ones standing victorious

after the smoke has cleared.

- So remember the plan.

- Remember your training, but most of all-

- Remember what you're fighting for.

- Yeah, we're totally dead.

Ow!

- Not the time.

(sighs)

- [Locus] Well said.

- Oh my!

(laughs nervously)

Locus, yes.

Oh dear God, man, you nearly
gave me a heart attack.

- Sir, I have some rather urgent news.

- Right, well, spit it out then.

- I've been informed that the New Republic

has dispatched the mercenary

to scout ahead for their forces.

- My word, first the news of
their invasion and now this?

You are just a wealth of
information, aren't you?

- I'm leaving to track them down.

- Yes, yes, oh, wait, no, no, no!

You can't just leave.

What about the impending battle?

I need you here by my side

to boost the morale of the troops.

- Don't be concerned, General.

Once I've taken care of this issue,

I'll return to take care of you.

- Oh, right.

Ah, yes, yes.

Excellent thinking, Locus.

I can always count on
you to get the job done.

- [Caboose] Give it to
me straight, Church.

Is Freckles gonna make it?

- Your robot's fine.

I just need a few more-

There we go.

Congrats, your pet has been debugged.

(sighs)

- Oh God.

Now all we have to do is get him fixed.

- I can't believe you
would just accept something

from the enemy like that.

- It was a lapse in judgment.

It won't happen again.

- Yeah, because next time we'll be dead.

Come on, Wash, you're supposed to be

the smart one in the group.

- I thought I was a
smart one in the group.

- Eh, smart's relative,
like good looks or skills.

Sometimes you have to settle.

- Would you guys all shut up?

This isn't helping.

- Oh yeah, right.

Since when have you managed
to help out around here?

- Hey, maybe you haven't noticed,

but I've kind of been running
this shut while you were gone.

- Just out of curiosity, who
ran stuff when he was here?

- Well, you ran straight
into the ground, Tucker.

Great job, you must be so proud.

- Okay.

Everyone's a little tense right now.

- Well, at least I tried.

- You?

What about me?

You think I've been a
vacation this whole time?

- Please stop fighting!

Can't you see you're
tearing this family apart?

- Right.

This shit's getting weird, I'm out.

Hey, if you need me,
I'll be thinking of a way

to keep us alive for the next 24 hours.

- Good riddance.

- [Epsilon] Hey, I heard that!

I'm still actually in the room, dumbass!

- I'm gonna go check the perimeter.

(sighs)

- I'll do the same.

Why don't you guys just take a breather?

- All right, bye Wash,
bye Carolina, bye Church!

- Caboose, aren't you
even like the tiniest bit

pissed off at Church?

- Uh, nope.

- Not even a little?

- Nah.

- At all?

- Yeah, no, not really.

- How?

He's being such an asshole.

- I'm pretty sure Church
has always been an asshole.

Yeah, isn't that kind of his thing?

Like Simmons is smart, I'm good-looking,

you guys are the dumb one, the lazy one

and the mean one.

- But he doesn't even care about us.

- I don't know about that.

He stopped that mercenary
from cutting up Caboose.

Missed opportunity if you ask me.

- Well, he abandoned us.

- But didn't you guys do the same thing?

- Huh?

- Uh, the rebels?

- Well, yeah,

but there were more important
things we had to do.

- I kind of feel like stopping the sale

of illegal military equipment
might've been more important

than hanging out in the canyon.

- Okay, Tucker, I'm gonna tell you this

only because you respect
my opinion so much.

- I actually don't listen
to anything you say ever.

- Classic lazy one.

- If you keep being mean to Church,

Church will just keep being mean to you,

and then everyone will be
mean to everyone all the time

and everything will be bad
and no one will have fun.

- Is this-

Are you trying to give a
motivational speech right now?

- Shh, I want to see where he's going.

- I mean, come on.

Is this really what you want?

You just, you just want to be
angry and mean all the time?

Because that is dumb.

And you know what?

You're dumb for thinking that.

- Did Caboose just call someone dumb?

- That's calling the kettle blue.

- So Church left.

And maybe some of us were sad.

But you know what?

That is okay!

Because he was just trying
to do something good,

and he just made a mistake,

and we all make mistakes sometimes.

- Wow, Caboose-

- So shut up and get over it!

(wind howling)

- Well, my work is done here.

- You know, I really do fucking hate him.

(somber music)

- Hey, Carolina, can-

You think I could talk
to church for a second?

- Oh, sure.

- Epsilon.

Church, get out here.

Church!

- Just say you're sorry.

- Can't a guy have a
little privacy around-

Oh.

- Hey.

- What do you want?

(sighs)

- So I guess I've been kind
of a dick since you got back.

- Oh, well, yeah, I mean, sure.

If you want to put it lightly.

I mean, I mean, I guess I did,

you know, leave you guys
without saying anything.

Which at the time seem poetic
and heroic and all that.

But you know, I guess from
a practical standpoint,

I probably should have left a note.

- Yeah.

- I'm just not used to you
actually doing stuff, you know?

I mean, it's weird.

Normally you guys just dick around

and I have to do everything.

- Well, you don't have
to do everything anymore.

- Yeah, well, I guess it
just takes getting used to.

- You know, I think I saw some beer

back at the gas station.

- Hologram, dude, still a hologram.

- Oh, right.

- But thanks.

You can have mine.

- Seriously?

That's it?

No "I'm sorry"?

Nothing?

- Carolina, we're dudes.

- Yeah, this is pretty much as emotional

as we're gonna get.

- Yeah, you just witnessed like,

an entire lifetime's worth

of male emotion in one minute.

- What was she expecting?

- Beats me.

Can you believe I have to live with her?

- Dude, that sucks.

- Tell me about it.

- Oh, wait, does that mean
you get to see her naked?

- [Epsilon] Okay man, don't make it weird.

- So are they good?

- I think they're as good
as they're gonna get.

- About time.

- You're telling me.

- Now can we get back to the
whole civil war thing please?

(radio static)

- Oh, my ears!

My sensitive ears.

- [Felix] Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is your captain speaking.

And boy, have I got some news for you?

- You just had to ask for it.

- It's Felix.

He's using the radios.

- Hey asshole, we're not interested

in whatever bullshit you're selling.

- [Felix] Oh, but Tucker,

in a miraculous one-time only deal,

you've all been upgraded to first class

on a one-way flight off of Chorus.

Are you interested now?

- [Simmons] I would be lying if I said

I wasn't a little interested.

- What exactly are you playing at?

- [Felix] Okay, easy there, darlin'.

I know this is all very exciting,

so I'm gonna hand the mic
over to my partner here

to tell you the details.

- It's time your people understood

the futility of your situation.

We know where you're hiding.

We know you're in possession

of a single teleportation grenade,

and we know that you hold the coordinates

to a particularly valuable radio jammer.

Which is why my partner and I

are contacting you from its location.

Make no mistake,

you will not be interfering
with today's events.

- [Tucker] Says you.

We're the champs of interfering with shit.

- As we speak, the armies of Chorus

are converging on the Capitol,

and the battle that ensues
will leave no survivors.

If your goal was to save
these people, you have failed.

But you'll now have an
opportunity to save yourselves.

- What do you mean?

- [Felix] Once the chumps
at the Capitol are all dead,

you guys will be the only loose ends left.

Now, seeing as you've
disabled our tracking device

and have the means to teleport
anywhere in the world,

this poses a somewhat annoying problem.

- [Locus] Which is what Control
is offering to make a deal.

- Control?

- If you choose to teleport

back to your camp at Crash Site Bravo,

you'll find a small ship
waiting to take you home.

But if you fail to arrive within the hour,

we will find you and we will kill you.

- [Grif] I'm gonna go ahead
and call bullshit on that.

- Yeah, why should we
believe anything you say?

- [Locus] See for yourself.

(engines whirring)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- You're right, Lopez.

That is the ship that dropped us off.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Locus] It's fully functional

and en route to the canyon now.

- So you've got to ship.

How are we supposed to
know you won't shoot us

the second we arrive?

- Well you can't, but if it
makes you feel any better,

this wasn't our idea, trust me.

I'm really hoping you're dumb enough

to turn this offer down.

- Our client is a person of business.

They understand that you want
no part in this conflict,

and they are willing to let you live

if you agree never to speak
of our involvement here.

- And trust us, they'll know if you do.

- Agent Washington, I've
been ordered to offer you

and your men a way out.

And I never break an order.

You have one hour to make a decision.

- [Felix] Hope you make the right one.

(wind howling)

(electronic beeping)

(grunts)

- Sorry.

- It's all good.

Just severe whiplash.

- So how is it you can fix cars

when you can't even drive them?

- I'm sorry, Antoine, I couldn't hear you

over the sound of your
perpetual poor attitude.

- Oh, fucking got him!

- Dropping that first name shit.

- God, I hope you die before me.

- Cut the chatter.

Entry point seven secure.

No hostiles detected, over.

- [Man] Roger that, Smith.

Moving up.

- [Soldier] Come on, guys, let's go!

- Oh, hey, I just realized,

this is our first mission together.

- Huh?

- As a super elite team, remember?

- Yeah, some team we turned out to be.

- Yeah, we're like the Avengers.

Okay, Smith can be Captain America,

Jensen's Black Widow.

- Who are you?

- Uh, Tony Stark, obviously.

- Oh, whatever, you're totally Hawkeye.

- Comic book Hawkeye or movie Hawkeye?

- Movie Hawkeye.

- You fuck yourself.

- Hey!

Palomo's right.

The captains chose us for a reason,

and none of us are going to let them down.

Now let's move out.

- Keep interference to a minimum.

Let them kill each other
and only target those

who try to escape.

- Hmm, this is gonna be too easy.

(somber music)

- All right, the way I see
it, we've got three options.

I'm gonna go through these in the order

of fucking terrible to God damn nightmare.

Option A, we can take our
last teleportation grenade

and jump to a place on Chorus

where we can lay low for awhile.

The obvious con here is that the armies

will probably blow each other to bits.

But Carolina and I have gotten pretty good

about fighting these guys on the run.

If we're careful, we
might be able to gather

enough equipment and intel
to get off this planet

and bring Control to justice.

- Just to clarify, that's the best option?

- That was fucking terrible.

- We lose Chorus, but still have a chance

to bring down Control and
walk away from this alive.

That gets us two out of three.

- What's option B?

- If, and let me tell you,

I cannot stress this if hard enough,

if Locus and Felix are telling the truth,

we go back to the canyon,
get on the ship, go home.

If anybody asks, we tell
them we stole the ride

before all the crazy army people showed up

and started murdering each other.

- Gotta be honest.

I'm not the biggest fan of the if,

and the thousands of
deaths aren't great either.

- What about option C?

(sighs)

- We teleport to the radio jammer.

If we take out the defenses
and shut down the machine,

and if we're not too late,

then we can broadcast a
message to the Capitol.

- Oh, well that one doesn't sound too bad.

- Well, here's the thing.

I've been running Carolina's
healing unit whenever I can,

but her leg is still garbage.

Combine that with the fact that these guys

have Freelancer equipment,
advanced weaponry-

- We get it.

Some of us won't make it back.

- Most of us won't make it back.

- But we could save
everyone at the Capitol.

- Yeah, if, if, if we
make it back in time.

Then you just need to find
a way to convince two armies

that a bunch of dead
people are actually alive

and telling the truth.

- There's a fourth option.

Carolina and I go on the run with Epsilon

and do our best to bring down Control.

And the rest of you take
the ship and go home.

- That's actually not a bad idea.

- The three of us would be able

to move around the planet easier
without the extra baggage.

No offense.

- No, baggage was right.

We're comfortable with who we are.

- But we can't just leave.

- Yes, you can.

This isn't your responsibility.

You all held up your end of the bargain.

You helped us fight.

You saved your friends.

So now all that's left
is for you to go home.

(somber music)

(electronic beeping)

- Something's not right.

Squad leaders in the
downtown area report in.

- Still no enemies in sight, ma'am.

- Yeah, we got nothing over here.

- Ma'am, you don't think
Felix had bad intel, do you?

- Anything's possible.

Just stay alert.

He should have been back by now.

(crashing)

- What was that?

- Shit!

City's roadblocks just locked up.

- What?

- Same thing just happened in our sector.

- [Soldier] Freeze!

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh.

- Don't say it.

- It's a trap!

- Get us out of here!

(alarm beeping)

(tires squealing)

- Well, well, well.

Vanessa Kimball, leader
of the New Republic.

Welcome to the Capitol.

(electricity sparking)

- Time's almost up.

- Bravo, report.

- [Bravo] No visual on the targets.

I don't think they're coming, sir.

- Hmm, stay on guard.

- Hmm, guess they didn't trust us.

Locus, how many men
did you bring with you?

Four.

The rest were needed at the Capitol.

- You don't say.

- Four pirates carrying prototypes.

Mercs are sticking to their usual.

I'm heading away from
the jamming tower now.

- [Washington] Did they see you?

- Excuse me.

You look familiar.

Have we met?

(gun fires)

Oh, man, you are fast!

Oh, but minus points on originality.

(gun fires)

See what I mean?

- All right, you have me.

- So where's the rest of the crew?

- They're not here.

I came alone.

- Well, that is classic
you from what I've heard,

but seeing as they
weren't at the gas station

or the ship we so generously provided,

I'm not sure I believe you.

- Well, I guess that's your problem.

- Actually, if you don't tell your friends

to come out and surrender,

you're gonna have a problem
the size of a golf ball

in the middle of your forehead.

- Funny, I was just about
to tell you the same thing.

- Oh, hey, Wash.

Heads up, you're gonna
feel like an asshole

in three, two and-

- [Locus] You continue to both surprise

and disappointment me, Agent Washington.

- Yeah, yeah, there it is.

- [Doyle] Never in all my
life have I met a human being

as selfish and bloodthirsty
as you, Ms. Kimball.

- How dare you.

- Marching to the Capitol
thinking you could kick us

while we're down.

Have you no decency?

- We tried to be decent in the past,

but we all remember how
that turned out, don't we?

- My dear girl, I can assure you

I haven't the slightest
idea what you mean.

- Of course not.

You're still too busy trying
to uphold a government

that doesn't even exist anymore.

- Because you killed
everyone who stood for it.

- It was a broken fucking bureaucracy

that nearly killed the planet.

- And you're all a ruthless
lot of of anarchists

who killed the only outsiders

brave enough to try and save it.

- I would-

Wait, what did you say?

- This might be a problem.

- All right, guys,

come out and I promise to kill you quick.

Waste my time, and you get
to watch the Freelancers

die over the course of,

well, until whenever I get bored.

Spread out and find them.

They might be hiding in one of the caves.

(gunshot)

- [Tucker] Caboose!

- [Caboose] I didn't do it!

- Or maybe they'll just
telegraph their position

'cause they're idiots.

- Shoot on sight.

- Tell me, when you
murdered the Reds and Blues,

was it because you
couldn't stand the thought

of them siding with us

or were they merely caught up

in the decimation of our outpost?

- What are you talking about?

We didn't decimate anything.

- It came from here.

- Right.

Move in on three.

- You killed the Reds and Blues

after they rescued their friends.

- We did no such thing!

- Two.

- You know, I just gotta ask,

what did you think seven morons,

a couple of Freelancers and an AI

would actually be able to do here?

- One.

- But Felix said-

(gun fires)

- [Soldier] What the-?

Well, not much, but you forgot to count

the genius and the dog.

- The dog?

- [Freckles] Heat signature detected.

- Did that gun just fucking talk?

- [Freckles] Firing main cannon.

(gun fires)

(screams)

- What?

- Now!

- Attack!

- Open fire!

- Duck!

(guns firing)

- Move!

(guns firing)

(grunting)

(gun firing)

(grunts)

- Man down!

- Hiya!

Haha, bitch!

- Yes, good boy, Freckles.

- [Freckles] Thank you, Captain Caboose.

All right guys, two down, two to go.

- Roger that.

Come and get us, boys!

(guns fire)

Now might be a good time to run.

(grunting)

(gun fires)

(grunting)

(gun fires)

- Oh, come on.

(laughs menacingly)

- Fire in the hole!

- Huh?

[Carolina] Sorry!

- Take out those gunmen.

(guns firing)

- Missed!

Missed!

- Palomo!

- Okay, nice shot.

- Hey, suck it, Black!

- What?

- Just to clarify, that
wasn't a race thing.

- Come back here!

- Get him!

(yelling)

- Aim for the jugular!

- [Grif] Ow!

- The jugular!

- [Grif] Ow!

- Punch him in the God damn throat!

- [Grif] Well, why didn't you just say so?

(Sarge laughs)

- Does anyone copy?

God damn it, what's happening out there?

- Stick 'em up.

- Yipe!

(grunts)

(speaking Spanish)

- Lopez, no!

(speaking Spanish)

(laughs menacingly)

(speaking Spanish)

(gun firing)

- Felix!

(grunting)

- Haha, that was awesome.

- Stay focused.

Right, where's the other one?

- Whoa.

- If it's not a car, it's a cliff.

- Take care of the simulation troopers.

I have this under control.

- Right.

- Do not disappoint me again.

(guns firing)

- Oh, dear!

I'm a leader, not a fighter!

- Damn it!

Get ready to cover me.

I'm going after him.

This ends today.

- Come on, guys.

Let's not draw this out
any longer than we have to.

- Sounds good to me.

- Oh no, you are not.

Seriously?

You're gonna go with the sword?

Oh, oh no, okay, all right.

- What's wrong, you scared?

- This is gonna be fun.

- Last map, Wash, make it count.

- [Locus] Why do you continue
to help these people,

Agent Washington?

- Where are you?

- [Locus] You have
nothing to gain from them,

no reason to fight for them,

and yet here you stand with
your life on the line for them.

- Is that so hard to understand?

(gun firing)

- [Locus] You used to so much more.

- For God's sake, man, loosen up.

You gotta get limber.

- How did you convince Kimball

to go to the Capitol?

- Vanessa?

- Oh, she was easy.

I just made up some story about
how you all died heroically.

You should've seen it, man.

I gave the performance
of a fucking lifetime.

Got all broken up, threw
in a few dramatic pauses,

and they just ate it up.

- So how long have you and
Locus been working together?

- I'm sorry, I thought we were
going to be fighting here.

- Ah, son of a bitch!

- Round one, Felix.

- God you're a fucking tool.

- [Locus] You were once
an enemy to these men.

You were ruthless.

You were a survivor.

- I was a different person.

- [Locus] No, you were a soldier.

- You say that like they're
two different things.

- [Locus] When a true soldier
is told to kill, he kills.

He does not question why, he
does not mourn the fallen.

He fulfills his role then
moves on to the next.

- Is that what you want to be?

A true soldier?

- No.

That is what I am.

(gun firing)

- Damn it.

- Ow, you dick!

- God, I just really want to savor this.

You know, once the Feds
and rebels kill each other,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we've been playing
these guys for years.

How do you just walk away
from something like that?

- What happened to retirement?

- Oh, well, yeah, I'll
be filthy stinking rich,

but I'm still in my prime.

There's so much more I could do.

- Keep talking, asshole.

- Well, the thing about that is-

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

You know, I just realized

I haven't seen your pals in awhile.

I wonder if they're trying
to get the jump on me?

- [Simmons] Ah, he knows!

(screaming)

- No!

(gasps)

- That's the last time
you try to outsmart me,

Captain Tucker.

- [Locus] I'm a Professional,
Agent Washington.

I can-

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

you complete your missions at all costs.

You can see that as
many times as you want,

but I know what you really are.

You're a coward.

- [Locus] Ridiculous.

- You keep trying to play yourself off

as some sort of weapon,

that you don't care
about anyone or anything,

but the fact that you're
trying so hard to understand me

breaks your entire act.

No matter how hard you may want
to be, you're not a machine.

You're a murderer,

but you hide behind the idea in your head

because you're too afraid

to take responsibility
for what you've done.

I know I used to be a real piece of shit,

but at least I'm trying
to do something about it.

(growls)

- Stop right there.

- You.

- Don't make me use this.

- You still don't get it, do you?

The entire reason you sim troopers

were allowed to live this long,

(chuckles)

is because you're all losers.

Control was confident
that you'd do more damage

to these people to make
it ever do to themselves.

I mean, a bunch of idiots
in charge of an army?

Come on, it was a recipe for disaster.

Locus and I figured we'd let
you rack up the casualty count,

then kill you after a few weeks.

Oh, but then you did something special.

He gave these people hope.

And with that came a
new level of motivation

to fight harder, to die faster,

all with the belief that their sacrifice

might actually mean something.

But you know what?

It all means nothing.

At the end of the day,
if I'm stronger than you,

and if I'm faster than
you, then I can kill you.

And that's better than
anything money can buy.

(coughs)

- I don't know, man.

I think I'd rather be rich
than a fucking nut job.

What do you think, Church?

- Yeah, this guy's got no
idea what he's talking about.

- What the-?

What the fuck is this?

Oh, this is Church.

He's the AI that helps
me run my equipment.

- What equipment?

- My helmet cam.

Oh!

Somebody just got fucking busted.

- All right, boys!

Bring it down!

(guns firing)

(explosion)

- Be right back.

(electricity sparking)

(radio static)

- Once the Feds and
rebels kill each other,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we've been playing
these guys for years.

- [Tucker] How did you convince Kimball

to go to the Capitol?

- Vanessa?

- Oh, she was easy.

I just made up some story about
how you all died heroically.

You should have seen it, man.

I gave the performance
of a fucking lifetime.

Got all broken up, threw
in a few dramatic pauses,

and they just ate it up.

- You son of a bitch.

- [Felix] The entire
reason you sim troopers

were allowed to live this long

is because you're all losers.

Locus and I figured we'd let
you rack up the casualty count,

then kill you after a few weeks.

- Locus?

- [Felix] You gave these people hope.

- This is bad.

- [Soldier] Locus, everyone
at the Capitol knows.

What do we do?

(Washington groaning)

- Follow protocol.

- Oh, dude, are you speechless?

That's a first.

- You.

You're dead.

- [Carolina] I wouldn't if I were you.

- You know, those sticky
grenades kick like a mule,

but I hear these newfangled
laser blasters are quite lethal.

- The mission is a failure.

Protocol states we're to
report to Control immediately.

- They're injured.

We can kill them now.

- No.

We follow orders.

Let me assure you all, this is not over.

(teleportation grenade explodes)

(radio static)

- [Kimball] This is Vanessa
Kimball of the New Republic

ordering an immediate cease fire.

- [Doyle] All soldiers of the Federal Army

stand down at once.

- [Kimball] Tucker,
Grif, can anyone read me?

What are your coordinates?

Where are you?

(mimicking Pelican ship)

- The Pelican goes in for a landing,

but the radio jammer's shooting up

all sorts of electricity and stuff.

It was like-

(mimicking electricity sparking)

- [All] Ooh.

- We're on the ground,
Captain Tucker's bleeding out.

The Reds and Blues are all bashed up.

Things don't look good.

- [All] Oh.

- We move them all aboard the ship

and take off as fast as we can.

And that's when he spoke to me.

"Palomo, come closer."

It was my captain.

I leaned in.

"Don't speak, Tucker.

You need your strength."

But he brushed my hand aside,

looked me straight in
the eyes and said to me,

"Palomo, you did good, kid.

You did good."

- Oh, that's bullshit.

What I actually told
you was to stop crying

and just shut the fuck up.

- Okay, yeah.

But the sentiment was still there.

- I fucking hate you, Palomo.

- You know, if we hadn't
shown up with the Fed ship,

you'd probably be dead.

Like for real this time.

- Hey, we're a bunch of mavericks, okay?

We weren't even planning
on making it out alive.

That was just an added bonus
for being so fucking awesome.

- You went on a suicide mission for us?

- Well, you know, we
figured we owed you one.

- That's so selfless.

And hey, your voice didn't crack.

- It didn't?

I mean-

(clears throat)

Oh, I don't know what
you're talking about.

- All right, don't get carried away.

You guys just happened
to be the first people

we ever met who thought we were cool.

We saved you strictly for selfish reasons,

and with the hope there'd be
more pampering upon our return.

- [Matthews] I'm here
whenever you need me, sir!

- He seriously survived the fight?

I mean, really?

The universe just had to spare Matthews.

- Well, I think I speak for
all of us when I say thank you.

- And I think that I speak for all of us

when I say that this feels like

the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Isn't that right, Freckles?

- [Freckles] Affirmative.

- No, absolutely not.

- Way too cheesy.

- Thank you, captain.

I'll remember this to the day I die,

or my name is John Elizabeth Andersmith.

- Oh God, is it?

- [Kimball] So, what do you think?

- [Doyle] I think it's an absolute mess.

- Well, your army didn't exactly leave us

with many options over the years.

- Yes, well, I suppose we can't expect you

to continue operating out
of a hole in the ground.

I'll talk with one of my new advisors

and see if we can have your people set up

at another one of our outposts.

- I was actually thinking
about moving to the Capitol.

(splutters)

- Well that's preposterous.

- Excuse me?

My men deserve a roof over
their heads just like yours.

- Hey, you both agreed
to a temporary truce.

So why don't you try starting
with a little cooperation?

- Very well, I'll see what we can do.

Agent Washington, you have my thanks.

- And mine.

If it wasn't for you all, we'd be gone.

- Well, thanks, but you
should really thank Tucker.

- The whole plan was actually his idea.

- Is that so?

- Kind of a shocker, huh?

- No, not really.

If there's anything we
can ever do for you,

please don't hesitate to ask.

- Oh gosh, I don't think
that's really necessary-

- What's a rank higher than captain?

- Um, Colonel?

- Promote me to colonel.

- Oh, very well, then.

In honor of your service,

I hereby promote you to Colonel

Sarge.

- You hear that, numb nuts?

I outrank you again!

Ha!

(soft music)

- So did you miss me?

Actually, I found the peace of mind

to be rather nice for a change.

- Oh yeah, I bet it went along
great with that ass kicking.

- That was part of the plan.

- Oh really, 'cause I thought the plan

was to distract Locus, not let
him mop the floor with you.

- Look, they were better
than I expected, okay?

- Wimp.

- I'm still surprised you
went along with the plan.

- Yeah, well I figured it was time

to have faith in them too.

Oh, hey, hold on.

- Everything okay?

- Yeah, I said hold on.

Aha.

Great, thanks D.

- What was that?

- That was the end of a very long

and very annoying decryption process.

- You've got the manifest?

- Fuck yeah, I got the manifest.

I'm processing it now.

Well, not exactly the
most dramatic revelation,

but I believe that we have our culprit.

- Who is it?

- Charon Industries, big
umbrella corporation.

They've got a hand in pretty much

every major market you can think of.

Even messed around with
cryogenics a few years back,

but it looks like their largest profits

come from weapons and technology.

They own most of the stuff on the ship.

- Sounds familiar.

- Yeah, Project Freelancer
stole some assets

from them once or twice

and managed to destroy quite a bit

of private property in the process.

- You mean the resistance?

I thought they were a UNSC splinter group.

The soldiers were all UNSC,
but according to my records,

they've been hired on to act

as Charon's private security force.

- Is that legal?

- I doubt it.

Looks like Charon and the military

started getting really
buddy-buddy around the time that-

Oh.

- Epsilon?

- Where's Dr. Grey?

- Huh?

- The lunatic, what's she doing?

- She's treating the
space pirates we captured.

- Perfect.

Tell her I want them to give me

all known radio frequencies
used by the mercenaries.

- Why?

- I need to make a call.

(electronic beeping)

- [Control] I am at a loss, gentlemen.

Years of arduous labor
and delicate manipulation

all made worthless by your inability

to stop a single squad

of what can hardly be considered soldiers.

- They got lucky.

- They were underestimated
and it will not happen again.

- Our operation now lies
in extreme jeopardy.

Word of our involvement
can never find its way

back to Earth or the UNSC.

- Then what are our orders?

- Go to war.

- [Caboose] Hello?

Yes.

Hello?

- [Control] What is this?

- [Caboose] Extra sauce, please.

- An outside transmission.

- How'd they get this channel?

- "Colorful Space
Marines Stop Corruption."

You know, I really love

the picture they used for this thing,

but I gotta say, I think I
like the description even more.

Pictured above, the Red and Blue troopers

of Project Freelancer
receive a full pardon

from UNSC oversight chairman

and Charon Industries
CEO, Malcolm Hargrove.

I can't imagine you'd like publicizing

that second bit very much though.

Probably not very good for business.

Am I right, chairman?

- On the contrary,

you'd be surprised as to
what can come of a merger

between politics and corporations.

If you're here to negotiate a surrender,

I'm afraid I must inform you
that your ship has set sail.

Quite literally, in fact.

- Actually, we were just
hoping to read you a letter.

- It's just a little something
we put together for you,

considering we'll probably be seeing

a lot of each other
over the next few weeks.

- Take it away, Church.

- Dear chairman, it has
come to our attention

that you have declared
war on the planet Chorus.

We regret to inform you that
this is a really shitty idea.

Not only have you managed
to annoy the people

that you failed to kill
time and time again,

you've also found a way to
piss off an entire planet.

Now they may not have the best equipment

and they might not be the best fighters,

but as you're aware,

they've been fighting
for a very long time.

And now that they're
not fighting each other,

they're more than happy to dedicate

all of their time to fighting you.

So dear chairman, to you and
your idiotic mercenaries,

we would like to say bring
it on, motherfuckers.

We are not going anywhere.

From your friends, the incredibly badass

and semi-attractive Red and Blue soldiers

of Project Freelancer.

PS, suck our balls.

(soft guitar music)

♪ In love, in need, in want, in miss ♪

♪ I taste your bite, I taste your kiss ♪

♪ And I think back, the things you said ♪

♪ They make me mad, a bull to red ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪

♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪

♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ Drinking martinis by myself ♪

♪ On a Sunday ♪

♪ Drinking martinis again ♪

♪ On a Monday ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ I buy your brand, I smoke your brand ♪

♪ I count the what ifs on one hand ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪

♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪

♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ Drinking martinis alone ♪

♪ Sunday morning ♪

♪ Drinking martinis again ♪

♪ Sunday evening ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

- FILSS?

- [FILSS] Yes, Chairman?

- Please clear my schedule
for the rest of the day.

- [FILSS] Yes, Chairman.

- And FILSS,

could you verify that Locus's delivery

was sent to the trophy room?

- [FILSS] The crate from the shipwreck was

unloaded and delivered this morning, sir.

- Wonderful.

I could use a bit of good news today.

(electronic beeping)

(soft music)