Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - Red vs. Blue: Season 13 - full transcript

(wind howls)

(slow whimsical music)

- [Grif] We're going the wrong way.

- [Epsilon] How would you know?

You've never even been here before.

- [Grif] You've never
been here before, either.

- [Epsilon] Well, I'm not
the one telling people

they're going the wrong way.

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

- [Grif] Let's all shut
up, how about that?

(footsteps thuds)



- [Epsilon] Simmons,
what does that thing say?

Where are they holding
Sarge and Tex prisoner?

- [Simmons] Says here section 1,157.

- [Epsilon] What section are we in now?

- [Simmons] (stammers) Section zero.

- [Grif] Aw, crap, that's
like a million sections away!

- [Epsilon] We have to fight our way

through this whole place?

They'll be dead by then!

- [Simmons] Maybe not, you see this?

It says that access tunnel
cuts right into the mountain.

It looks like a pretty straight run,

but it's loaded with guards.

- [Epsilon] How long is it?



- [Simmons] Whoa, almost a kilometer.

- [Grif] So, our choice
is, a bunch of small rooms

filled with a ton of enemies,

or one long room filled
with a ton of enemies.

Or we could give up, I say we give up.

- [Simmons] Grif, we can't stop now!

We're only in the first room!

- [Grif] No, according to what you said,

we're not even in the first
room, we're in room zero.

But it's okay, Simmons, we did our best.

No one could possibly ask any more of us.

- [Epsilon] I got an idea, Simmons,

what if do this thing, you
modify the rocket launcher.

(Epsilon and Simmons murmur)

- [Grif] Hey, what are
you guys talking about?

That doesn't sound like
surrendering, let me see.

- [Simmons] Get away
Grif, we're working here!

- Yeah, come on, beat it!
- Whatever.

I don't wanna see anyways.

"Oh look at me, I'm
Simmons, I have a computer,

I don't have to show it to anybody!

I'm just gonna push all the buttons!"

(creatures screech)
(Grif stammers)

- What is that noise?
- How do I shut this door?

(guns cock)
Run!

- [Simmons] Where the
fuck did they come from!?

- [Epsilon] What the hell!

- [Simmons] They're blocking
our way to the access tunnel!

- [Epsilon] Oh, come on,
Simmons, rocket launcher, now!

- [Simmons] Comin' up!

- [Grif] You're not gonna
kill them all with that!

- [Epsilon] We don't need
to, this is a guided rocket!

Aim for the tunnel, Simmons!
- I'm on it!

Fire in the hole!
(rocket whooshes)

- [Epsilon] All right,
use the map to guide me.

Don't let me hit anything,
and, you know, explode.

- [Grif] What the hell are you doing?

- [Epsilon] I, uh, I'm suddenly
having second thoughts.

- [Grif] You had a first thought?

- [Epsilon] Yeah, hey Grif?

In case I forget to say it later, ow.

(screams)
- Told you.

- [Grif] (laughs) Yes!

Finally a stupid plan where
someone's gonna get killed,

and it's not me!

(rocket whooshes)
(Epsilon screams)

- [Grif] Oh my God, there's
like a million of these things!

- [Simmons] Well,
fucking shoot them, then!

(jackal screeching)

(missile whooshing)

- [Epsilon] Look out, ow!

Hey, what are you guys doing back there?

Just guide the rocket,
stop goofing around!

- Get 'em.
- Hoo-rah!

- [Grif] (whimpers) Uh,
Simmons, they're getting closer!

- [Simmons] Shut up,
I need to concentrate!

Help, get them off me!
- Help yourself,

they aren't that tough!

Ow, son of a bitch!

- [Epsilon] Whatever you're
doing back there, stop doing it!

Or do it straighter, please!

(grunts grunt)
(rocket launcher thuds)

- [Simmons] Take that,
you little bastards!

Stop choking me, you got
me in a sleeper hold.

- [Brute] What is that?

(Epsilon screams)

(gunshots boom)

- [Epsilon] Okay guys,
yeah, that's too high.

Guys, too high, guys!

Guys?
- Ow, ow!

Ow!
- Get some, bitch!

- [Epsilon] Oh, man, this is gonna

hurt!

(explosion boom)
(glass shatters)

Son of a bitch, how many times?

How many times do I have
to relive this bullshit?

All right, you big baby, calm down.

Hey, up yours, man, you don't know me!

Actually, dumb ass, I do, I'm you.

I know you know, it's
just a figure of speech!

Huh, who's the dumb ass now?

Still you.

Ow!

Damn, I hit hard!

Or we just have a glass jaw.

So, what did we learn this time?

(sighs) Antagonizing the
aliens is not a surefire way

to keep Tex in Blood Gulch.

Yeah, you know, I really
thought you would have figured

that out after the first
time it didn't work.

Don't you mean we?

Don't fucking test me.

(Epsilon groans)

Hey, we knew what we were getting
into when we started this.

Chasing after Tex in here, won't be easy.

We can try to change things,

but it's entirely possible
that we're still gonna relive

our memories, over, and over,
and over, and over again.

Okay, I get it!

(sighs) I guess it's time
for another iteration.

Any bright ideas this time around?

What if we killed Caboose?

How would that help?

Well it will make me feel a lot better.

Huh, good point.

(Epsilon whooshes)

All right, let's get this started.

(birds chirping)

Hey Tucker!

I think the Reds just got a delivery!

(slow relaxing music)

(machines whir)

(tense dramatic music)

- [Vic] Space,

it's like,

really,

really,

really big, dude.

And it's got all sorts of stuff in it too!

I'm talking about aliens,
humans, canyons, spaceships,

those little peppers wrapped
in bacon, stuffed with cheese,

ooh, hits the spot every time!

Muy delicioso, dude!

Yep, there's a lots of
stuff in space, amigo,

but there's even more
stories, and I heard them all.

My name is Vic.

(scats)

And I can open the window to
a whole galaxy full of stories

you never even knew existed.

See what I did there, that's a segue.

We were talking about
windows, window shows up,

creates some intrigue, now
we're almost to the good part.

Some stories are funny,
some stories are not.

Some of 'em look kind of weird,

and some of 'em might be about folks

you never even heard of.

The whole Red vs Blue-niverse
is about ready to bust open,

compadre!

Come with me and let me be your guide.

(window whooshes)
(glass shatters)

- [Carolina] What the hell was that?

- [North] I think it was a window?

- Knock, Knock!
- He said window, not door.

- [York] A window, just on its own?

I mean, not attached to anything?

- [479er] What the hell is a window

doing in the middle of space?

- [Washington] I don't
know! Just keep flying!

(lasers fire)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(ship whooshes)
(ship clunks)

- [Sarge] What the heck was that?

- [Caboose] I think it was a logo.

- [Vic] So, what better place
to start than the beginning?

Well, you could get all artsy

and start somewhere in the middle.

All the cool directors do
that. Get you all excited.

You're like, "Whoa dude!
What's goin' on, man?

Why's that guy shooting that other guy?"

Then they all do that rewind thing.

Tell the tale, lay the
breadcrumbs, roll the credits.

Classic.

But how about we start
before the beginning?

(military percussive music)

- [Hammer] Time to put
the hammer down, boys!

Let's make the lieutenant proud.

Simmons, what are you doing?

- [Simmons] Oh, God, this is my nightmare!

- [Hammer] Come on, man, you
can do it! Just keep moving.

- [Simmons] But I already stopped!

If I move now, my chances of falling off

and breaking every bone in my
body increase dramatically!

(Grif pants)

- [Grif] Hey, guys. Whew!

Thanks for...

Thanks for waiting up. (sighs)

- [Hammer] Grif! We are
not waiting for you!

- [Grif] Hey, dude, what's the holdup?

- [Simmons] I just need a minute.

- [Hammer] Don't let the CO down, Simmons!

- [Simmons] (moans) I'm torn
between my two great loves:

being alive and pleasing a superior.

- [Hammer] Just whatever
you do, don't look down.

- [Grif] Huh, what's that down there?

- [Simmons] Oh, God!

- God damn it.
- Nice!

I guess we just live up here now, right?

What's your name again?

- [Simmons] I'm gonna
throw up in my helmet.

- [Grif] Eh, it doesn't matter.

I'm Grif, by the way, and
I think this is the start

of a singularly beneficial relationship

where you get me out of all
these stupid boot camp drills.

- [Hammer] Grif, you get
over here, right now!

- [Grif] Yeah, how? Jump over him?

Do you want me to fall and die?

I'm not taking any unnecessary risks!

Dude, we have got it made.

(gun fires)

What the fuck? I thought
this was training!

- [Simmons] Fuck this, I changed my mind!

I wanna move again!
(gun fires)

- [Lieutenant] All three
of you, in my office, now!

(mellow guitar music)

- [Hammer] Sir, these two
showed willful insubordination

to their company leader.

Grif and Simmons colluded with each other

in order to not complete the exercise.

- [Grif] Objection!

I've never colluded in my life
and I resent the implication.

- [Simmons] Do you even
know what collusion is?

- [Grif] I plead the fifth, Your Honor.

- [Lieutenant] Enough!

All three of you have been
a disappointment to me.

Hammer, you are not the
leader you think you are.

And Grif and Simmons, you two
need to be whipped into shape.

- [Hammer] We're sorry
to let you down, sir.

It won't happen again.
- Uh, he doesn't speak for me.

I'm more mildly-inconvenienced
than "sorry".

- [Simmons] What is wrong with you?

- [Lieutenant] That's
why I'm sending you three

on a special mission.

- (gasps) A special mission?
- We'll make you proud, sir.

I'm honored to accept.
- But not as honored as I am.

Sir!
- Uh, dude?

What is wrong with you?

- [Lieutenant] A Blue army
battalion recently hit

one of our outposts in Timberland.

I'm sending you three out
there on a recon mission

to search for survivors and gather intel.

You'll need to work together
to complete this mission.

Do not let me down.

- [Hammer] There's the
base. We should move in.

- [Grif] Move in? What are you, nuts?

- [Simmons] Yeah, I'm more in favor

of gathering intel from a safe distance.

- [Hammer] What do you
consider a safe distance?

- [Simmons] What's the
range on that sniper rifle?

- [Hammer] (sighs) Guys, I
know we're all green here,

but think about our comrades!

Those filthy Blue bastards attacked them!

- [Simmons] Yeah, that's
how war works, dumb ass.

- [Grif] Besides, we didn't know them.

Those Reds could've all been assholes.

I say we don't even worry
about it and just go home.

We got enough intel.
- You listen here!

I'm in charge and we need-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Lieutenant didn't put anyone in charge.

We're supposed to work together.

- I say we put it to a vote.
- What?

- [Grif] All in favor of not
storming the base, say "aye".

Aye.
- Aye.

- [Grif] Sorry, Hammer,
but that's democracy.

- [Hammer] But, I-

- [Simmons] Hey, I don't
make the rules, Hammer.

I just follow them blindly
and without question.

- [Hammer] Well, what do
you propose we do, then?

- [Grif] Well, we could stand here

and ponder the big questions in life.

Like why did our CO send
out three boot camp recruits

on a deadly recon mission?

- [Hammer] Because he believes in us!

- [Simmons] Yeah, you see,
that's putting a lot of

unwanted pressure on us,
and I don't appreciate it.

- [Grif] See? It's giving poor
Simons here a panic attack.

- Simmons.
- Whatever.

(gun cocks)

(scope whirs)

- [Hammer] It looks like
they're changing shifts.

If we go now, we can sneak in.

- [Grif] I just do not
understand this guy's desire

to get us all killed.

- [Simmons] Look, Hammer,
I'm not one to cut corners,

but I also know that
statistically speaking,

we are totally fucked.

- [Grif] Let's just head back to base.

(Hammer sighs)

- [Hammer] Fine. Let's go.

- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

- Democracy triumphs again!
- America, bitch!

(mellow guitar music)

See? We learned to work together.

One day, everyone's gonna know and love

the wonderful trio of Grif, Simmons...

(radio whines)

- [Hammer] Screw you guys! I'm a hero!

- [Simmons] What the fuck, bro?

- [Grif] Every time you go
against democracy, an eagle dies!

(upbeat rock music)

- [Hammer] Hm, no signs of survivors.

(distant bleeping)
What?

Oh.

- [Simmons] We could
just leave him, you know.

(explosion roars)

- Jesus Christ!
- Was that supposed to happen?

- [Grif] How the hell should I know?

- Hammer? Buddy?
(radio whines)

You okay?

Hammer?
- He's fuckin' dead, dude.

(distant flames crackle)

- [Simmons] Well, what do we do now?

- [Grif] What we should've
done five minutes ago.

- [Simmons] I feel kinda bad for him.

- [Grif] Meh, the way I
see it, we did him a favor.

He wanted to go out a hero.

- [Simmons] So what, is that just

what we're gonna tell everyone?

And then Hammer heroically
sacrificed himself to save us.

We got out just as the bomb detonated.

- [Grif] He, he went out a hero.

(soldiers cheer)

- [Soldier] Wait a minute,
why didn't Hammer just leave

with you guys instead of
letting the bomb go off?

- [Simmons] Hey, man!

Don't disgrace Hammer's memory like that!

- [Grif] Yeah, rude.

Oh, and also, he said that
we're also all heroes,

and that we should get
the next two weeks off.

And, uh, and I think we
should honor his dying wish.

- [Lieutenant] Simmons! Grif!

Good work on that mission, recruits.

- Really?
- Thank you, sir.

- [Grif] (chuckles) Yeah,
I mean, I thought it went

about as bad as it could possibly go.

Uh, not that I'm complaining. I'm not.

- [Lieutenant] Yeah, it's
a damn shame about Hammer.

But we got all the intel Command needed,

and I have some good news for you two.

- [Grif] Is it that the war's over

and you're sending us home?

- [Lieutenant] (laughs) No, Grif.

I'm authorizing your training as complete,

and you're both being
reassigned to a special outpost.

- Reassigned?
- Special?

- [Lieutenant] You'll
be leaving immediately!

Thank you for your service, boys.

- [Simmons] But, I like it here!
You're a great leader, sir!

- [Grif] Is it too late to
let you know that we didn't

actually do anything and
Hammer died a foolish death?

- [Lieutenant] That'll be all, Privates!

- [Simmons] Hey, wait! Where
are we being reassigned to?

- [Grif] Does it at
least have a better name

than Danger Canyon?

(mellow guitar music)

- [Lieutenant] Are you
sure about this, Captain?

These are the worst soldiers
I have ever seen in my life.

Why would you want them?

- [Captain] Don't you worry
your pretty little head, sport.

I've got big plans for
our little privates.

And please...

Call me Cappy.

(ominous tones)

(rhythmic guitar music)

(laser thumps)

- [Lemons] Good afternoon, gentlemen!

My name is Special Officer Lemons.

Command has seen fit to
gather you here today

because we believe that
each and every one of you

exhibit the specific
traits we're looking for

in commanding officers!

Now, this is not your standard
officers training course.

Today we are looking for one
man and one man alone to lead

a newly formed team to victory
against the Blue devils.

- [Soldiers] Sir, yes, sir!

- [Lemons] (chuckles) Excellent.

Now, how about we go down the
line and introduce ourselves?

And I want to know exactly
what it is you hope to achieve

during your time here in the Red army.

- [McGruff] Name's Johnson McGruff!

My primary directive is to seek, destroy,

and completely eradicate any
members of the Blue army, sir!

- [Daggerknife] Hank
Daggerknife is the name,

and killing Blue's is my game, sir.

- [Sarge] Sarge, reporting for duty!

As far as I'm concerned-

- [Lemons] I'm sorry, your name is Sarge?

- [Sarge] Yep.

Pappie always told me to
dress for the job you want!

Figured I'd just take it a
little bit further. (laughs)

- [Daggerknife] Damn, I respect that!

- [Lemons] Right, um, how about we just

skip the introductions and
get right to the tryouts?

- [Soldiers] Sounds good to me! Jinx!

Ah, you got me!

Double jinx!

Well played!

Triple jinx!

Damn it!

- [Lemons] Alight, men,
from this point on,

the kiddie gloves are officially off.

This first exercise will
be testing your ability

to communicate under pressure.

- [Daggerknife] Are we
being deployed to a planet

with increased gravitational force?

- [McGruff] Don't be ridiculous.

Clearly, we're being sent
to an underwater base.

I'm perfect for the job, sir.
Was stationed at Fort Florida.

Undersea pressure was enormous.

- [Lemons] Not that kind of pressure.

This vehicle has been fitted with an IED.

One of you will be tasked
with defusing the explosive,

while another will be in
charge of walking you through

the defusing process, step by step.

You will be provided with bomb
defusal manual, and tool kit,

but the success of this
operation will depend

entirely upon your communication skills.

Corporal Buckshot.

- [Buckshot] Sir, yes, sir!

- You will be our defuser.
- My pleasure!

- As for your lead-
- Oh, oh, oh!

Permission to volunteer, sir?

- [Lemons] Sarge! I like your attitude.

Why don't you show us what you've got?

- [Daggerknife] (sighs) Lucky.

- [Lemons] Alright, everyone!
This is a timed explosive!

Live fire exercise begins
in three, two, one!

- [Buckshot] Alright
Sarge, I see the device!

What's the first step?
- Calm down, good buddy!

I'm gonna guide you through this

and get you home to your family.

That's a promise.

McGruff, I need you to find me
a M7057 Defoliant Projector.

- [McGruff] Roger that. On it, sir.

- [Lemons] What?

- [Sarge] Daggerknife, keep
your eyes on those cliffs.

This could very well be a trap,

set up by our nefarious enemy!

- [Daggerknife] You got it, Sarge!

- [Lemons] Uh, Sarge?

Uh, there's no enemies here.

We're just focusing on the bomb?

- [Sarge] Ha-ha!

But that's just what the
Blues want us to think!

I see the game you're
playing, Lemons! (laughs)

And I intend to win.
- No, no, no.

There's not-
- Sarge!

We're getting pretty
low on time over here!

- [Sarge] Buckshot, if
we're gonna do this,

we're gonna do it right!

Now calm down and stand
by for instruction.

- [McGruff] Asset
acquired, Sarge. (chuckles)

- [Sarge] Good man. Hand it over.

- [Buckshot] Down to the final seconds!

- [Sarge] Alright,
fellas. Watch and learn.

Step one.

(flamethrower roars)

- [Lemons] That computer had
the defusal instructions.

Why would you-

- [Sarge] Step one: No cheating!

The Red Army is not gonna
march its way to victory

by looking up the answers
in the back of the book!

We'll rely on good old
fashioned intuition.

Alright, Buckshot.

(explosion roars)

(warthog clunks)

Huh.

Now that is a sturdy piece
of military equipment!

(soldiers murmur)

- [Lemons] You're focused on the jeep?

Buckshot is dead! You let him explode!

- [Sarge] While that may be true,

Clint Buckshot knew the
risks when he volunteered.

He died a hero.

- [Lemons] He died in a training accident!

- [Sarge] And a damn fine one at that!

I think I speak for all of us,

including the dead Clint Buckshot,

that we're ready for our next objective.

(soldiers cheer)

- [McGruff] These exercises
really get the blood flowin'.

I'm ready to fight me some Blues!

(soldiers cheer)

- Six to midnight!
- Oh, yeah!

If there were a Blue in here right now,

they'd be just as dead as good
old Buckshot, if not more!

(soldiers cheer)

He's extremely dead.

- [Sarge] I'm pretty sure
it goes without saying,

if there were any dirty
Blues within a hundred miles

of this facility, we'd find
'em and we'd paint 'em red!

Am I right?

(soldiers cheer)

(mellow guitar music)

- [Flowers] Wonderful. They're all idiots.

- [Special Agent] Captain Flowers?

The Blues are here for their interviews.

- [Flowers] Well, that is just stupendous.

Right on time, too. I am such
a sucker for punctuality.

(projector clicks)

- [Candidate 1] I would
say my greatest strength

is my love for following rules.

- [Candidate 2] I'm a great listener!

Go on, tell me something
and I'll remember!

- [Candidate 3] What,
you mean like physically?

I can bench a clean 200, no problem.

Do a couple 100 reps everyday.

40 cock push-ups, no big deal.

- [Candidate 1] Where do I
see myself in five years?

Hopefully with your job! (laughs) Uh...

- [Candidate 2] Well, no
matter where I end up,

I bet I'll still remember
that thing you told me

because I'm such a good listener.

- [Candidate 3] Five years?
(groans) Hopefully I'm not dead.

Oh, and I bang like five
years worth of chicks by then.

Am I right, dude?

- [Candidate 1] Gosh, why
did I join the military?

You know, I just wanted
to make a difference.

Fight for my fellow man.

- [Candidate 2] I wanted to show off

how great a listener I am.

- [Candidate 3] Chicks dig war heroes.

I'm hoping I get shot in
the foot and get sent home

with a medal I can use to pick up women.

Hey, totally unrelated,

but do you wanna do me a favor
and shoot me in the foot?

- [Candidate 1] My
deepest regret? Oh, golly.

I mean, probably not telling my mom

"I love you" more before shipping off.

- [Candidate 2] What? I'm
sorry, I wasn't listening.

- [Candidate 3] Oh, dude,
don't bring that up.

Look, all I'm saying is some
girls tell you they're 18

and like, what am I, some
human age detecting machine?

Anyway, the charges were dropped

and it wasn't that big a deal,
despite what the media said.

- [Flowers] Well, I think we have our man.

Welcome aboard, Lavernius Tucker.

- [Tucker] Aboard what? Wait,
what is this an interview for?

- [Flowers] I'll see you in a few weeks.

Thanks for your time.

- [Special Agent] Time to go, Private.

- [Tucker] No, seriously,
where the fuck are we going?

- [Flowers] Alright,
let's see how our Reds...

(gasps) Oh, my word.

(crow caws)

- [Daggerknife] Well, I
think that went pretty well.

- [Lemons] What did you do?

- [Sarge] Ah, Special Officer Lemons!

- [Daggerknife] How was
our performance, sir?

- [Lemons] How did this happen?

I gave you all rubber bullets!

- [Sarge] Oh, was that was intentional?

I was under the assumption
you'd simply provided us

with the wrong ammunition.

- [Lemons] Why would you even assume that?

- [Sarge] Well, you gave
us a real bomb to defuse!

- [Daggerknife] (chuckles)
He's got you there, sir.

- [Sarge] Besides!

Who doesn't love a good
live-fire training course?

- [Lemons] I'm fairly certain

all of the soldiers you killed.

- [Daggerknife] No, no, no!
We were all in agreement.

- [Sarge] Oh, yeah!

McGruff seemed real gung-ho
about the whole idea!

- [Daggerknife] God rest his soul.

- [Sarge] So...

Have you decided which
of us is being promoted?

- [Lemons] Which of
you, which of you is...

I honestly don't know.

You're both equally insane.

- [Sarge] Hm.

Then perhaps it should be
up to us who moves forward.

- [Daggerknife] Hm. Yes.

A fitting resolution,
if I may say so myself.

- [Sarge] You may!

- [Daggerknife] Well,
my father, his father,

and his father before him,

have all been exceptional
military leaders.

- [Sarge] Admirable, but
tradition doesn't win wars.

It takes strength, intelligence
and the will to survive!

- [Lemons] Gentlemen.

I don't think we can base our decision on-

- [Daggerknife] Well, if it's
strength and intelligence

you're looking for, I've got it in droves.

- [Sarge] I'm only hearing
two out of three, Daggerknife.

But me? I've got the full package.

- [Lemons] Guys!

- [Daggerknife] I'll fight for this army,

until this war is won!

- [Sarge] Fighting is one thing,

but would you die for this army?

- Of course I would!
- Talk is cheap!

- [Daggerknife] I couldn't agree more!

- [Sarge] Then what are you
gonna do about it, Daggerknife?

(gun fires)
(body clunks)

Huh. I thought he'd call
my bluff on that one.

Looks like he's the man
for the job after all!

Congratulations, Hank
Daggerknife. I salute you.

- [Lemons] He, he's dead!

- [Sarge] Indeed, he is!
Guess the job goes to me.

Thank you, process of
elimination. (chuckles)

- [Lemons] You're crazy.
You're all fucking crazy!

- [Sarge] Hey!

Do not disrespect the fallen
soldiers of this army!

- [Lemons] (giggles)
Soldiers? You're psychopaths!

- Insubordination!
- What?

- [Sarge] As the newly appointed sergeant,

I will not stand for such behavior!

No Red soldier would ever speak

so lowly of their fallen brethren!

Unless...

You aren't Red.

- [Lemons] Sarge? Uh,
you're not making any sense.

- [Sarge] Oh, that's where
you're wrong, Lemons.

For the first time today,
everything makes perfect sense!

You're not a Red, you're the final test!

- What are you talking about?
- You're a dirty Blue.

- [Lemons] What?

- [Sarge] You're as Blue
as Daggerknife is dead.

- [Lemons] Uh, Agent Florida?

I've got a situation down here.

- [Flowers] Thank you,
Special Officer Lemons.

You have found us the perfect Red leader.

- [Lemons] No, no, no,
wait! Wait, wait, please!

(gun fires)

- [Sarge] That one's for
Daggerknife, dirt bag.

- [Flowers] Welcome to the roster, Sarge.

- [Sarge] Hello?

If anyone from command is watching,

I've completed the final test!

I've killed Lemons.

I'm ready for my promotion now!

Hello?

- [Flowers] Now all that's
left is one final piece.

(mellow guitar music)

(mellow guitar music)

I want you to know how brave you are

for volunteering for this mission.

You certainly have more guts
than most of your peers,

my good sir.

You're the final piece in a very

complicated little operation.

In fact, you're the most
important part, I'd say.

When the history of these
important events is written,

you'll go down as the unsung hero.

The soldier who sacrificed
so much for his fellow man.

It brings a tear to my eye
just thinking about it soldier.

The world will never forget Private Jimmy.

- [Church] Gosh!

You know, I just wanna
help out in any way I can.

My girl back home always
said, "You're not worth a darn

if you just stand by without
helping your fellow man."

- [Flowers] Well, you're
most certainly doing that.

- [Church] So, how can I help?

- [Flowers] Just sit right
there while these two gentlemen

take care of everything.

- [Church] Oh, okay. Sure thing.

- [Flowers] Prepare him
for AI implantation.

- [Church] A.I what now? (screams)

What are you doing to my skull? (screams)

This doesn't seem physically possible!

- [Flowers] Your service is
appreciated, Private Jimmy.

(mellow guitar music)

(radio whines)
Radio check.

One, two, semblance.

One, two, buckle my shoe.

Can you read me? Vic?

- Hello. Yes, hello.

This is Vic transmitting
from simulation outpost-

- [Flowers] Ah-ah. Remember,
you're Vic from Command.

- Yes. Apologies, Agent Florida.

I will be sure to modify
my greeting in the future.

Are you nearing completion of
your simulation preparation?

- [Flowers] Indeed, I am!

You can inform the director
that I've assembled both Red

and Blue teams for Blood
Gulch outposts 1 and Alpha.

Everything is looking dandy!

Let me tell you, nothing
short of an Aspirin overdose

will stop this plan from succeeding.

- Excellent news, sir. Alright, then.

Protocol established by Command

now allows you to activate the Alpha.

If our theories are correct,
the Alpha will gain full

control over the host body
it assumes to be its own.

Odds of memory contamination
from the host mind

are very slim.

- [Flowers] That is fantastic news!

- And it says here in the
"Important Note" section

that you need to make sure
the Alpha has no recollection

of the events concerning
Project Freelancer.

Nothing about the other fragments,
nothing about the crash,

and absolutely nothing about the Meta.

- [Flowers] Understood.

- It also says not to put the
Alpha in any immediate danger

as, quote, "It is
unknown how severe injury

or death may affect the
host body AI relationship."

(Flowers laughs)

- [Flowers] I wasn't planning
on any of my men dying.

That would just be poor
leadership on my part.

- That is all for the command
directives, Agent Florida.

Keep in mind, not only am I
here to provide false direction

for the simulation troopers,
I am also programmed

to assist you in monitoring
and managing this operation.

If you need anything else,

let me know and I will contact Command.

- [Flowers] Well, that
sounds handy. Thank you, Vic!

- [Vic] Oh! There's one more note here.

It also says to make sure

that you have a great day, Captain.

- [Flowers] Aw. That is so sweet.

Now, it's time to begin.
(mellow guitar music)

- [Sarge] Private Grif!

Did you send in the order for a new jeep?

- [Grif] Uh, probably?

- [Simmons] He took a nap in the middle

of filling the paperwork, but
I finished it for him, sir.

- [Sarge] I didn't order
you to do that, Simmons!

Both of you drop right now and give me 20!

- [Grif] 20 what? 20 more minutes?

You're not making any sense.
- No, push-ups.

Why would he punish you with a nap?

- [Grif] I don't know why
he's punishing me at all!

You're the one that took
matters into his own hands.

You know, Sergeant,

I'd be careful with
this guy, if I were you.

He seems like a bit of a loose canon.

- [Sarge] Something
tells me you're not being

entirely genuine, Private.

- [Grif] Who, me? Nah.

I just wanna make sure we establish

a good working relationship.

- [Flowers] Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Can you hear me, Private?

- [Church] (groans) Yeah.

"Private"?

What?

Where am I?
- Easy there, son.

It's me, your good friend and
mentor, Captain Butch Flowers.

There was an accident.

You seem to have lost some of your memory.

- [Church] An accident? What happened?

- [Flowers] There was a
wet spot on the floor.

You slipped and hit your head.

- Oh.
- Tell me.

Do you remember your name?

- [Church] Uh, my name? Uh, my name is...

Leonard Church.

- [Flowers] It is, indeed.

And what's the last thing you remember?

- [Church] (sighs) I don't know.

I remember that there was this
snow, and there was fighting.

- [Flowers] Interesting. Interesting.

Go on.

- [Church] And my
girlfriend Tex was there,

and she was fighting...

I guess she was fighting someone.

- [Flowers] Is that so?
And who was Tex fighting?

- [Church] (sighs) It was,
um, yeah, I don't know, I...

Oh, my god. Private Jimmy!

- [Flowers] That's right!
Poor Private Jimmy.

You've certainly mentioned him before.

- [Church] Yeah, I remember
someone named Private Jimmy.

But I don't know, it was weird.

She was beating him to
death with his own skull?

- [Flowers] Well, that doesn't
seem physically possible.

But if that's what you
remember, then why question it?

Just be sure to let me know

whenever more memories
start falling into place.

We wanna be sure to get our,
I mean, your story straight.

- [Church] Uh, yeah,
okay. Sounds good to me.

So what's with this armor?
We're fighting someone right?

- [Tucker] Hello? Oh, hey, Captain.

- [Flowers] Ah, Private
Tucker. Our newest recruit.

I'd like you to meet your
comrade, Private Church.

- [Tucker] Sup? Are you a chick?

- No.
- Bummer.

- [Church] Yeah, I don't like you.

- [Flowers] Come on now,
fellas. We're a team!

Teams have to work together.

So how about we go on a
little scouting mission?

- [Church] Really?

I mean, sounds like I just woke up

from a traumatic head injury.

You sure that's a good idea?

- [Tucker] Hey, how come
he gets a cool armor color

and I'm stuck with blue?

- What?
- I'm just saying.

No one's gonna take me seriously.

I look like a fucking Teletubby.

- [Church] Captain Flowers, is it possible

that he could get shot on this mission?

- [Flowers] It's not likely.

- [Church] Well, there's
no harm in trying.

(mellow guitar music)

- [Tucker] Hey, that's
a pretty nice-looking

sniper rifle, Captain.

Can I use it?
- Tell you what, Private.

If the three of us ever go
out on a scouting mission

like this again, I'll
let you do the honors.

- Awesome!
- So what are the Reds doing?

- [Flowers] Oh, you can be
sure that whatever it is

they're talking about down there,

it's absolutely diabolical.

- No.
- Come on, Simmons.

Don't be a buzz kill.

Don't do it, don't kill my buzz.

- [Simmons] For the last
time, I don't wanna go!

- [Grif] But dude, the Vegas quadrant

is only three parsecs from here.

We could get there, we could
gamble away our life savings,

we'd kill a hooker or two,
and we can be back here,

before Sarge even notices that we're gone!

- [Simmons] I'm not going
to the fucking quadrant.

Don't talk about the quadrant!

- [Sarge] Grif! Simmons!

- [Grif] Ah, shit. There goes our chance.

- [Sarge] I thought I told you
two to clean this place up.

There are grenades and guns
lying around everywhere!

- [Simmons] Sorry, sir,
it won't happen again.

Private Grif was just
distracting me from my duties.

- [Sarge] Is this true, Grif?

- [Grif] Actually,
Simmons was distracting me

with some convoluted scheme to sneak away

to the Vegas quadrant before
you came to check on us.

I was about to report it to you.

- [Simmons] What?

- [Sarge] My god, Simmons! How could you?

I'm withholding your rations
for the rest of the day.

And thank you, Private Grif,
for reporting this incident.

You sure are a good soldier.

- [Grif] Good enough to
take that extra ration?

I don't think Private Simmons
is gonna be needing it.

- [Sarge] (laughs) I don't see why not!

Well, keep up the good work, Grif!

I think you and I are
gonna get along just fine.

- [Simmons] But, sir!

- [Sarge] Get back to cleaning, Simmons!

I don't want anymore of your back sass!

- [Simmons] I can't fucking believe you.

- [Grif] Look, I'm not gonna
apologize for conjuring

an extra meal out of
disobeying a direct order.

Unless, of course, if you
wanna go to the Vegas quadrant.

- [Simmons] God damn it!

- [Flowers] Well, I think it's safe to say

they're still getting their base in order.

No imminent threats.

- [Church] So, do we
have a plan of attack?

- [Flowers] Attack? (chuckles) Oh, no.

No need to incite
conflict, Private Church.

It's best to keep you out of
harm's way for the time being.

- [Tucker] And me too!
Right, Captain Flowers?

- [Flowers] Yes. Whatever
you say, Private Tucker.

(laughs) I'm very pleased

with how all of this is coming together.

I think everything is going
to work out just fine.

- [Tucker] Uh, why's he just
turned away talking like that?

- [Church] Dude, I have no idea.

This is the weirdest day from
waking up from a coma, ever.

(rumbling)

(machinery thuds)

- [Vic] Greetings, Agent
Florida, and welcome back.

Do you have anything to report?

- [Flowers] Only that things are better

than a cool glass of lemonade
on a hot July afternoon, Vic.

This quote-unquote "war"

will be a stalemate for quite some time.

Maybe up to 14 seasons, if we're lucky.

- I'm sorry, sir?
- Oh, I... (chuckles)

I prefer to think of the passage of time

in terms of the four seasons.

As appose to the standard
Gregorian calendar.

- Ah! Very good, sir.

Would you like me to go
over the fail safe protocol

that we have established?

- [Flowers] Show me the list, please.

- Here is the prioritized
list of freelancer personnel

to be sent to Blood Gulch

in the event of your absence and/or death.

- [Flowers] Excellent work, Vic!

Each of these soldiers
are more than capable.

Well, I suppose there's
nothing left to do now

but get back to...

Oh, fiddlesticks!
(cable crackles)

Ouch!

- Agent Florida-da-da-da-da-da.

Dude!

Whoa! You alright down there?

Looks like you took a bit of
a tumble, my teal compadre.

- [Flowers] Gosh!

Must've slipped on a
wet spot on the floor.

Vic, could you please do me a favor and

put in a request to Command

for some "wet floor" signs?

You never can be too careful.

- You got it, diddlely dude!

Remember, you need anything,

you just give your boy Vic
a call at 5-5-5-V-I-C-K.

- [Flowers] I'll be sure to do just that.

Farewell, Vic.

- This is gonna run smoother
than a baby's bottom, Cappy!

Not that I would know.

Can't have kids since
the vasectomy, slash,

the fact I'm secretly a computer.

But that's a story for
another tittlety time.

Point I'm trying to make,
dude, that I got a really

good feeling about this
whole Blood Gulch thing.

Yo, you ever hear of
that multiverse theory?

Way crazy, amigo.

A bunch of eggheads think
there's an unlimited number

of parallel universes.

Like, there could be one

where no one's heard of Red vs. Blue.

It could be like Green vs. Beige, or,

there could be a universe
where we're all fish.

I don't know why I said
fish as an example.

Maybe there's a universe out there

where I made a better analogy.

Let's all swim to that one.

Dude, there could even be a universe

where we don't even exist,

or maybe we're just
part of someone's dream.

Maybe we're in that universe right now.

Maybe this is all just part
of some kid's imagination.

That would be weird.

(mellow guitar music)

- [Grif] You ever wonder why we're here?

- [Simmons] I actually
have a theory about that.

You see, it's all about connections.

I'm connected to the ground,
the ground's connected to you,

you're connected to Blue base.

It's like we're all one thing.

- [Grif] I can't decide if
that's deep or just literal.

- [Simmons] Both?

- [Grif] What I'm saying is, why are here,

instead of getting lunch?

Sarge was supposed to take
over like five minutes ago.

- [Simmons] Huh. That's a good point.

- [Sarge] Don't worry, Lopez!

Grif and Simmons would never
forget my birthday. (laughs)

Yup, any minute now, I'm
sure they'll walk in here

and give me the greatest gift of all!

Their respect.

And maybe a gift card, or a shotgun,

or a gift card for a brand new shotgun!

That shoots respect.

- [Simmons] Oh, no! We
forgot Sarge's birthday!

- [Grif] Meh. Better luck next year.

- [Simmons] This is a big deal, Grif!

It's too late for the
traditional breakfast in bed!

- [Grif] What? Nobody does that.

- [Simmons] We have to make up for it.

We need to get him a really special gift.

- [Grif] (laughs) That sounds like work.

What if we just grab something
from around the base?

- [Simmons] Like what?

All we have here are gray
blocks, black blocks,

and gray-black blocks.

We need to get him something special.

Oh, I know.

(mellow guitar music)

- [Caboose] Halt! Who goes there?

- [Simmons] Listen, Caboose!
We are not here to mess around.

- [Grif] Yeah, only one of
us is here to mess around.

- [Caboose] Which one of
us is here to mess around?

Is it me?

- [Grif] Sure?

- Neat.
- Listen, Caboose.

we want something from your base,

and I don't care what it is,

as long as it's valuable and important.

- [Caboose] "Valuable
and important", got it!

- [Grif] That was easy.

- [Simmons] Yeah, I was
expecting more of a fight.

- [Church] Put me down!

- [Caboose] This is the most
important thing in Blue base!

He is very special and
also my best friend!

- [Church] Caboose? Down!

- [Simmons] Sarge does like prisoners.

- [Church] I am not
participating in whatever

stupid thing it is you're doing, Reds.

Get lost!

- [Simmons] Come on, Church!
I mean, think about it!

You helping me is just
like you helping yourself.

We're all connected.

- [Church] Connected
figuratively or literally?

You know what? I don't even care.

- [Simmons] What about Freckles?

Can we have your big killer robot?

We need a birthday gift for Sarge.

- [Church] No way! Besides,
what do you need a gift for?

As long as you provided the
traditional breakfast in bed,

you're fine!

- [Simmons] Told you.

(tires screech)

- [Sarge] There you are!
Fraternizing with the other team!

Simmons, I am deeply disappointed in you.

Grif, I consider this pretty
much par for the course.

- [Simmons] We weren't, Sarge, I swear.

We were negotiating the
Blue team's surrender.

- [Church] Round and round we go.

(rumbling)
- Does anyone else hear that?

- [Sarge] I can't hear
anything over all this treason!

(rumbling)
I heard that, though.

- [Tucker] I don't wanna alarm anyone,

but I'm pretty sure someone's
coming, bow chicka bow wow.

- [Church] Oh, god, the Overlord's back!

(dramatic music)

- Any volunteers for the
first set of experiments?

- [Simmons] Don't move. Its
vision is based on movement.

- [Mother] Malcolm!

You're not in your
brother's room, are you?

- I'm just looking, Mom!

- [Mother] Those are you
brother's toys, not yours.

- I know!

(sighs) The things I do for science.

- Oh, no!
- Not me!

- [Caboose] Over here! Pick me!

- [Church] Aw, come on!

(tense electronic music)

(birds tweet)

Oh! Where are we?

Everything is so smooth and colorful!

- [Grif] It looks familiar,
just, you know, better.

Is this Canada?

- [Church] Well, wherever we are,

I don't think we're gonna be here long.

The Overlord has plans for us.

- [Simmons] Oh, man! Sarge
would love one of these.

- [Grif] You think the Overlord

will at least grant me one last meal?

- [Church] That's what you
guys are thinking about?

Food and birthday presents?

Not, you know, getting out of here?

- [Donut] Well, what's
the plan then, Church?

- [Church] Donut? What are you doing here?

- [Donut] The Overlord
abducted me days ago!

I assumed you were the rescue operation!

- [Grif] Oh. No.

We had no idea you were gone.

(tense electronic music)

(camera bleeps)

- Experiment log 0-5-6-7-Niner.

Today we will be testing the
effects of hydrochloric acid,

small explosives, and electricity,

on a collection of test subjects.

First, the acid.

- [Donut] Remember me how I was! (screams)

(acid hisses)
(muffled screams)

- [Simmons] Donut! No!

- [Grif] Meh. I'm sure he'll
turn up again in three years.

- [Church] We just watched him die!

- [Grif] It's happened before.

- Malcolm!

- [Malcolm] What now,
Mom? I'm doing a science!

- Science can wait!

I asked you twice to take
out the trash already!

- [Church] It's now or never, guys!

(tense percussive music)

Ow! (groans)

(Grif's body thuds)

- [Simmons] You guys! Wait up!

- [Church] Wait, what are you doing?

- [Simmons] We can't
come back empty-handed!

(tense percussive music)

- [Church] Okay, we
need some ideas, quick.

- [Grif] Oh, how about
an AC/DC cover band,

but with all ukuleles?

We can call ourselves "Ukulele-C/DC!"

- [Simmons] Or a T-shirt
that looks the same backwards

and forwards so it doesn't
matter how you put it on.

- [Church] I mean ideas on how to survive!

- [Simmons] Oh!

- [Grif] A saddle, for dolphins.

Just throwing that one out...

There?

- [Simmons] Church?

- [Church] No more ideas! Let me think.

- [Grif] It's like some sort of big cat!

- [Church] What?

Oh, boy.

- [Simmons] Don't move. Its
vision is based on movement.

(tense orchestral music)

(vacuum whirs)

No one move. Its vision
is based on movement.

- [Grif] You say that about everything

and it's never been true!

- [Church] Shut up and run!

(vacuum whooshes)

We're never getting out of here.

We're never getting out of here!

We are never getting out of here!

- Mm-hm. Oh, for sure.

See, that's how I wish
Malcolm was, you know?

Like playing video
games, like a normal kid.

- [Grif] Oh, god, she's gonna crush us!

- (chuckles) And of course,
there are toys on the floor.

- [Simmons] At least we're off the ground.

It's dangerous down there.

- [Church] Yeah, but he is gonna spot us,

as soon as he gets back.

- [Grif] We could just hide
behind that piece of... (gasps)

(solemn ethereal music)
Holy mother of Satan.

Dibs.
- Not now!

We need the cover!
- No, you listen to me!

I have been dragged along,

on I don't know how many adventures,

and no one has ever asked
Grif what Grif wants.

Well, Grif wants pizza and no
one is getting in Grif's way!

Not you, not Simmons, not Sarge!

- [Sarge] Yee-hah! Here
come's the cavalry!

- [Church] Oh, you're kidding me.

- [Sarge] Congratulations!
You've been rescued.

My perfect record of
never leaving a man behind

remains unbesmirched.

- [Simmons] Yeah. About that, Sarge.

We lost Donut.

- [Donut] Actually, I'm right here!

- [Church] Okay, how did he do that?

(tense percussive music)

- Everybody, get on!
- Hurry up, Grif!

- [Church] Grif, what are you...

Oh, for the love of...

- [Grif] I regret nothing.

- [Church] Grif, we have
to go. He's coming back!

- Can't move.
(brooding string music)

Tell them, worth it.

It was all worth it.

(tense percussive music)

- Ah!

There you are.

- [Church] That's it. End of the line.

- Hey, Sarge?
- Yeah?

- [Simmons] Happy Birthday!

- [Sarge] Aw, you remembered.

(firecracker hisses)

- [Tucker] Alright! Step aside, ladies.

(suspenseful orchestral music)
(firecracker whooshes)

(firecracker pops)

This has never happened to me before.

Bow chicka bow wow.

- You have quite the
nerve, Malcolm Hargrove.

Firecrackers?

Inside the house?

- It wasn't me! It was the...

I'm going to my room and never leaving.

And my brother's toys are
not my science experiments.

(sullen guitar music)

- [Sarge] I...

Simmons... (grunts)

Good work!

That was a fine piece
of explosive you got me.

Just what I always wanted.

- [Simmons] Oh, it wasn't just me, Sarge.

- [Church] Yeah, well,
I guess some connections

are just hard to break.

- [Grif] Kill. Me.

- [Caboose] Who wants cake?

Yeah, I didn't know how old you are,

so I just found this,
like, one big candle.

Happy Birthday!
- Son of a...

(firecracker bangs)

- [Vic] You know, when most
people talk about the Reds

and the Blues, they're talking
about my boys at Blood Gulch,

but, lot's of dudes forget
that there's a bunch more

primary-colored commandos
all over the galaxy.

And they're all idiots.

(brooding music)

(wind howls)

(flatulence)

- [Turf] Oh.

That one's gonna stink.

- [Drag] Damn it, Turf. They all stink.

Every single one always stinks.

- [Turf] Yeah, but this one really stinks.

- [Drag] We have the worst fucking CO.

- [Turf] That'll be five laps, Drag.

- [Drag] (sighs) Yes, sir.

- [Morgan] What's the point
of this stupid helmet,

if it doesn't even keep the
own smell of your farts out.

- [Sue] You just picked
the wrong helmet, Morgan.

I can't smell anything,
and I look cool as hell.

Oh, yeah. Mm, oh, check that.

Ah, yeah. Check my ass, yeah.

- [Morgan] Colonel, Turf, sir.

We've been searching
this desert for hours.

There's no way we're gonna
find any Blues out here.

- [Drag] Morgan's right, Turf.

Plus, even if we did find some Blues-

- [Morgan] Which we're not.

- [Drag] I'm not sure anything
could survive out here

for more than a day or so.

- [Turf] I'm sorry, but was
that five laps, Lieutenant?

- [Drag] Sir, I'm carrying a pound of sand

between my butt checks
and I am literally covered

head to toe in armor.

- [Turf] That's a personal
problem, Lieutenant,

and this is a professional situation.

We have an assignment:
to eradicate the Blue-

- [Sue] Sir! Santos is
calling from the ship.

(Turf groans)

- [Turf] This is Colonel
Turf. What's wrong, Santos?

- [Santos] How come every
time I check in on you guys,

you always assume something's wrong?

- [Morgan] Tell him it's because
something usually is wrong.

- [Turf] Everything's fine
down here, no sign of anything.

How's everything on the ship?

- [Santos] Well, there's no
wine bars, I can tell you that.

- [Drag] He says that every time.

- [Morgan] And it's never funny.

- [Turf] Well, hold on.

It was a little bit funny the first time.

- [Sue] Why would they put
a wine bar on a spaceship?

- [Drag] Exactly. It
doesn't make any sense.

Spaceships don't have wine
bars, so why is he so surprised?

- [Turf] It's absurdist humor.

It doesn't have to make
sense. That's the joke.

- [Sue] Yeah!

But why would they put a
wine bar on a spaceship?

- [Santos] Forget it.

You guys are always shitting on my dreams.

- Your dreams suck.
- Santos, get on with it.

- [Santos] (sighs) I just
wanted to let you know

that we think we may have fixed

the ship's artificial vocal modulator.

- [Turf] So, we'll be able to communicate

with the ship's AI?

- That's right!
- Great.

Someone new to argue with.

- [Morgan] Wait, how'd you even do that?

- [Santos] I just read the manual.

- [Morgan] Huh!

Advanced alien races
really think of everything.

- [Turf] Okay. We're gonna
beam back to the ship.

- [Santos] Okie dokie!
I'll let Cherry know.

- [Turf] Uh, who?

- [Santos] Cherry, I need you!

- [Cherry] Of course, Major
Santos. What do you need?

- [Santos] Can you beam back Turf, Drag,

Morgan and Sue from the desert?

- [Cherry] Chew? The desert, sir?

Unfortunately, I don't have a
psychical mouth, so I cannot-

- [Santos] No! Sue, from the desert!

Teleport them back.
- Oh, yes.

Of course, sir. Initiating process now.

- [Santos] Thank you!

- [Cherry] You don't have to yell, sir.

- [Santos] Oh.

Sorry!

- [Turf] Ready up. We're
headed back to the ship.

- [Drag] (sighs) I hate this part.

It feels like someone crams
a big electric rod up my...

(screaming)

- [Cherry] All soldiers fully transported.

- Thank you, Cherry.
- Word up.

- [Morgan] I can't believe
you named her Cherry.

- [Santos] It's 'cause she's so sweet!

- [Morgan] She belongs to an alien race

bent on the eradication of our species.

- [Cherry] That was the old me.

The new me is happy to serve
you, feeble human scum.

- [Santos] Aw, see?

- [Turf] Is everyone okay?

- [Drag] I think I just
pooped more sand than poop.

(mellow guitar music)

- [Turf] Role call!

Lieutenant Drag!

Major Santos!

Private Sue!

Private Peake!

And...

- [Drag] This is my favorite part.

- [Turf] Captain Morgan.

(soldiers laugh)

- [Morgan] Seriously?

Every day we do this, and
every day all of you laugh.

- [Drag] It's always funny!

- [Turf] Alright. Settle
down, settle down.

Listen up, boys.
(Cherry clears her throat)

(sighs) And lady.

- [Drag] Do alien AI
constructs have genders?

- [Sue] Absolutely.

Trust me.

- [Morgan] What does that mean?

- [Turf] Enough!

I understand your recent frustrations,

but as you all know, we have a directive!

Our assignment is to
destroy all the Blues,

no matter the cost to ourselves!

- Or our butts.
- Think of the butts, Colonel!

- [Turf] Regardless, like any good leader,

I am attuned to the morale of this squad.

Ergo, I prepared a presentation
designed specifically

to raise spirits and remind all of you

exactly why you're here.

- [Sue] Oh, give me three minutes.

I'm gonna go make some popcorn.

- Wait, we have popcorn?
- Of course we do.

It's popcorn, not a fucking wine bar.

- [Santos] Someday...

- [Turf] Well, as I'm
sure you already know,

we're unit FH57.

A group of Red soldiers
who battled for months

against the unit AH13.

Naturally, we defeated them.

- [Santos] Hang on. "We"
didn't really defeat them.

Cherry did.
- Okay, fine.

So we kinda defeated the Blues.

During a routine observation
mission, Private Sue reported

seeing a bright object appear in the sky.

Approximately three minutes later,

that object came crashing down
directly onto the Blue base.

Upon further inspection,

we discovered that the
noise we heard was in fact

an alien spacecraft with a
horrible sense of direction.

- [Cherry] That incident was user error,

thank you very much.

- [Turf] When we inspected the wreckage,

we found that the alien crew,

as well as every member of
the Blue squad, was dead.

- [Peake] Uh, about that...

- [Turf] Private, please do
not interrupt the presentation.

These slides do not make themselves.

- Poor little guys.
- Poor little nothin'!

Thankfully for us, the spaceship
remained intact and Cherry

was kind enough to let us come aboard.

- [Cherry] It was the least
I could do after the crash.

That was entirely user
error, as I mentioned before.

- [Turf] So, was it our plan,

to have a giant spaceship
crash down on the Blue base?

No.

But, did we capitalize on that opportunity

like a couple of badass
soldiers entrenched

in a seemingly endless battle
with our cerulean enemies?

- Hell yeah!
- Yeah!

- [Morgan] Uh, not to be a
downer, but that was months ago.

Since then, we've just been
wandering around in this ship,

searching for Blues with
nothing to show for it.

- [Drag] Morgan's right, it
might be our mission to seek out

and destroy any Blues we find,
but we can't find any Blues.

- [Sue] And I'm all out of popcorn!

(alarm blares)

- [Morgan] Uh, what's that?

- Cherry?
- New location identified!

Scanning for life forms.

Life forms detected!

- [Turf] Mother of god.

- [Simmons] You ever
wonder why we're here?

- [Grif] It's one of life's
great mysteries, isn't it?

Why are we here?

I mean, are we the product
of some cosmic coincidence,

or is there really a
god, watching everything?

You know, with a plan for us and stuff.

I don't know, man, but
it keeps me up at night.

- [Simmons] What? I mean why are we-

- [Morgan] Well, I'll be damned.

- [Turf] Where there's
Reds, there's Blues.

- [Tucker] What are they doing?

- [Church] What?

- [Tucker] I said, what
are they doing now?

- [Church] God damn!

I'm getting so sick of
answering that question!

- [Tucker] You have the fucking rifle!

I can't see shit, don't bitch
at me because I'm not going

to just sit up here and play with my dick-

- [Church] Okay, okay, look.

- [Turf] Blue's back on
the menu, boys! Role call!

- [Morgan] Oh, no.

- Captain Morgan!
(soldiers laugh)

- [Morgan] (sighs) God damn it.

(rumbling)

(mellow guitar music)

- [Drag] I can't believe it.

- [Turf] Well, you better believe it.

After months of searchin',
we finally found some Blues

that need blastin', no
matter the cost to ourselves.

This war is bigger than
any individual soldier!

Our prime directive is back in effect.

Cherry, set a crash
course for the blue base!

(chuckles) We're gonna crush these bugs.

- Brush what drugs, sir?
- No, crush the bugs.

We're gonna crush these bugs!
- Oh, of course, sir.

(rumbling)
(alarm blares)

- [Morgan] Uh, Colonel?

Don't you think you're
being a little bit rash?

- [Cherry] Setting course for Blue base.

- [Turf] Do you think they'd
call George Washington rash?

- [Cherry] Verifying coordinates.

- [Drag] George Washington
never tried to crash

a space ship into a military
compound, hidden in a canyon,

filled with blue-armored Space Marines.

- [Turf] Sounds like I got
one up on Washington himself!

Sink your wooden teeth into that, George!

- [Cherry] Calculating suicide route.

- [Morgan] "Suicide route"?
Who even calls it that?

- [Santos] Must be a glitch in her vocal

translation protocol.

I should make a note to fix that.

- [Drag] We'll all be dead by then!

- [Santos] You don't have
to yell at me! Jeez, fine!

I'll go fix it!

Peake, let's go!

- [Drag] We work with idiots!

- [Turf] (sniffs) Brave idiots.

Godspeed, soldiers.

- [Cherry] Suicide-crash
protocol disabled.

- [Turf] What the...

Just what do you think
you're doing, soldier?

- [Morgan] Hear me out.

We don't know anything
about these blue soldiers.

There could be a ton of them
we haven't even seen yet.

Sure, we could crash into
their base and take out

a couple of them, but how
many others would survive?

Even if we really, really
want to wipe the Blues out,

we should learn more about them, right?

- [Turf] Hm.

While I don't like the idea of restraint,

I must admit I do admire your commitment

to the complete genocide of all Blues.

What do you suggest?

- [Morgan] What about a good
old-fashioned scouting party?

We'll send three of us down there,

maybe assess their numbers,
scope their location,

so that maybe we don't
have to kill ourselves?

- [Turf] Hm, not kill ourselves, you say?

Okay.

Whichever one of you two wanna
join my scouting mission,

step forward now.

Captain Morgan, Private Sue,
thank you for volunteering.

- Damn it!
- We didn't move!

- [Turf] Uh, I'm pretty sure
I saw you move a little.

- Not at all!
- Well, maybe a little.

- No!
- Well, too bad!

This was your idea! Cherry,
prepare the transporter.

We're going down.
(ominous percussive music)

♪ Fixing machines, just fixing machines ♪

♪ Just because she's AI
doesn't make her mean, uh ♪

Hey, Peake, could you hand me that wrench?

Peake?

Where'd he go?

- [Santos] What the...

(buzzing)

Peake?

What's going on?

- [Peake] Oh, hey.

- [Aliens] Peake!

(whirring)

- Whoa.
- I know!

Everything looks so low-res.

- [Turf] No, you idiot, look!

M80AB. Main Battle Tank,
AKA "The Scorpion".

These Blues are packin'
some serious firepower.

- [Morgan] If we had
tried to crash that ship,

that tank could've
blown us out of the sky.

- [Turf] Hm, suicide
and no Blue casualties.

You may have earned
yourself a commendation.

- [Morgan] Thank you, sir.

- [Turf] Okay, soldiers, if
we wanna kill these Blues,

we've gotta take out that tank.

- [Sue] Seriously, I thought
it was just our monitor,

but everything looks really blocky.

- [Peake] So, you know
how the ship crashed,

and we just assumed the
life forms on board died?

- [Santos] Yeah, we checked
every bathroom stall.

No sign of anything.
- Yeah...

So, that was the problem.

We didn't look very hard.

I came down here a month
ago and found them hiding

in the cargo hold next to a
bunch of empty incubator things.

They seemed pretty hungry and scared,

so I brought them some food,

and I guess they think I'm
their leader or something?

- [Santos] Peake, why
didn't you say anything?

- [Peake] I did, several times,

but everyone just ignored me.

- [Santos] That sounds about right,

but I don't think you understand.

You've got a cult of aliens!

Nay!

An army!

With an army of alien soldiers,

we could do whatever we wanted!

No more taking orders, no
more searching for Blues!

(gasps) We could take over the ship,

and turn it into the
flying spaceship wine bar

I've always dreamed of!

- [Peake] Oh...

What?

- [Aliens] Peake!

- [Santos] With Turf, Morgan
and Sue down in the canyon,

the only one left on the
ship, besides us, is...

- [Drag] Santos!

Peake!

Is anyone there?

Where did everybody go?

(guitar twangs)

- [Alien] Peake?

- [Drag] Well...

This isn't good.

- [Turf] Okay, let's recap the plan.

Step 1: Isolate the tank
by distracting the enemy.

Step 2: Neutralize the tank,

so we don't get our asses blown to bits.

Step 3: Destroy the tank.

Step 4: Eviscerate the pathetic
and now harmless Blues.

Now that that's clear-

- [Morgan] Wait. Those are just words.

How are we actually supposed
to complete those steps, like,

Step 1, how do we distract
all those Blue soldiers?

- [Sue] Well, I could distract
them with some sort of dance.

Like a desert dance!

- [Morgan] I'm not gonna
say that's the worst idea

I've ever heard, but maybe
we could do something

a bit more strategic.

- [Turf] Hm, we could rig
that mountain over there

with 12 tons of C4 and blow it to hell.

There's nothing more distracting
than an exploding mountain.

- [Morgan] Let's just assume we don't have

enough firepower for that.

So, maybe we just make
some noise from that hill.

- Perfect!
- Step 2...

- [Sue] What if we steal it?

Like, the tank. What if we steal the tank?

- [Morgan] That's actually
not such a bad idea.

If we took control of the tank,

finishing off the Blues
here would be no problem.

What do you think, Colonel?

- [Turf] I was just thinking
we could bash their heads in

with some heavy rocks,

but I guess using the tank
would be more efficient.

Rats!

(Drag pants)
(mellow guitar music)

- Peake?
- Peake?

Peake?
- Peake?

- Peake?
- Peake?

Peake?
- Peake?

- [Drag] Oh, thank god.

I've gotta get in touch with the Colonel

and let him know the
ship's overrun with aliens.

Cherry?
- Yes, sir?

- [Drag] I need you to contact Turf.

- [Cherry] Compact Smurfs?

But they're already so small, sir!

- [Drag] No! Contact Turf!

He's down in the canyon. You
need to let him know, that-

- [Cherry] Oh, I'm sorry. I can't do that.

- [Drag] Why not?

- [Cherry] My communications
link has been modified.

I am unable to make any
external transmissions.

- [Drag] That doesn't make any sense.

Who would modify your...

God damn it, Santos!

If this is related to your
damn spaceship wine bar idea,

I'm gonna kill you!

Okay, Cherry?

I'm going to need you to
navigate me back to the bridge.

I need to reach the others manually.

- [Cherry] Not a problem, Sir!

To reach the bridge, follow
the hallway you just came from.

- [Drag] No, no, it can't
be that way. It isn't safe.

- [Cherry] Oh, well, in that case,

you'll have to use the
maintenance access route.

- [Drag] Okay? Where's that?

- [Cherry] It's through
the engineering bay.

You'll have to climb through the turbines

to reach the maintenance ladder.

Unfortunately, the turbines are located

behind a restricted-access laser-grid.

- Laser grid?
- That's correct.

Also, did I mention that
the maintenance ladder

is on the outside of the ship?

(Drag screams)

- [Aliens] Peake?

- [Turf] So, everyone's
clear on what to do?

- Desert dance, got it!
- No desert dance!

- [Turf] Okay, it's time to
execute Operation Smash'n'bash!

Hold onto your butts, boys,
'cause it's gonna get nasty.

On my mark!

Three, two, one.
(guns cock)

- [Caboose] Oh, hey, guys.

Who are we hiding from?

- Freeze!
- How'd you find us?

- [Caboose] Oh, yeah, well I, uh,

saw that guy's desert
dance and came right over.

- [Sue] I told you it would work!

- [Morgan] It didn't
work. You ruined the plan.

- [Caboose] Ah! What plan?

- [Sue] We were gonna steal your tank

and blow you up and your pals with it.

- [Morgan] Shut up!

- [Caboose] Oh, you mean, like, earlier.

- What?
- Ah, yeah.

Yeah, we just, uh, lost our leader

to a crazy friendly fire thing
that totally wasn't my fault.

Hey, why do you guys look so smooth?

- [Turf] Uh, can you give us a minute?

- [Caboose] Okay!

- [Morgan] He seems a little slow.

- I like him!
- We've been compromised.

Our whole mission is blown
if this Blue bootlicker

utters a word of this to his buddies.

Where the hell's Sue?

- [Sue] So it's really important

that you don't tell anyone you saw us.

Otherwise, we can't kill
all of your friends.

- [Caboose] Ah, that makes sense.

- [Turf] (sighs) I'm gonna kill 'em both!

(whirring)

(crow caws)

- [Caboose] That was weird.

(whirring)

(Turf groans)

- [Drag] Colonel, we have a problem.

Santos wants a wine bar,
so he got the aliens

and now they're a cult that worships Peake

and he wants to take over the ship.

- [Morgan] We weren't
even gone for an hour!

- [Turf] Slow down there,
Drag. What's this about a cult?

- [Drag] It's a mutiny! Santos
wants to take over the ship!

- [Turf] Mutiny?

Mutiny!

There's only a few things in this world

that I hate more than Blues,

and you better bet your
ass mutiny is one of them!

- [Santos] Welcome back, boys!

(guitar twangs)

- [Morgan] Santos, what are you
doing? Who are those aliens?

- [Santos] Oh, you mean my cult?

- [Aliens] Peake!

- [Santos] Uh...

- [Drag] He wants to turn
the ship into a wine bar!

- [Santos] No, I don't.

I just wanna turn it into a religious cult

that's a front for a wine bar.

- [Turf] That's enough!

Everyone, shut up!

I am your Commanding Officer,

and I have something I need to say.

I understand that the last several months

have been stressful.

We've been men without a mission.

Digging through deserts and
trapped in this crappy tin can.

- [Cherry] Hey!

- [Turf] I'll also be the first to admit

my own high expectations for all of you.

Sometimes I could set the bar too high,

and maybe that's not fair.

But I'll be damned if I don't see

such great potential in all of you.

Lieutenant Drag, you may come
off as a cynical ass-hat,

but when your back's against
the wall, you get the job done.

Major Santos!

You may be mounting a mutiny
right now, but that's because

you don't ever let
yourself feel satisfied.

Where others see a spaceship,
you see a wine bar.

Private Peake.

You have a cult!

That's pretty impressive, right?

Private Sue.

All your ideas may be the
worst ideas in the world,

but you're one hell of a dancer.

Captain Morgan!
(soldiers laugh)

You're the only reason
I'm making this speech,

and not cracking skulls.

You've taught me that
rushing in, guns blazing,

isn't always the best strategy.

That sometimes patience and practicality

can be more effective than bullheadedness.

We're a team.

We're all different,
but we're still a team,

and that means more than
any old prime directive.

We've got a spaceship.

We can do whatever we want,

go wherever we want,
be whoever we wanna be!

And we can do it together, as friends.

- [Santos] Stand down boys.
We have no quarrel here.

- [Aliens] Peake.

- [Morgan] Thanks, Colonel.
That really means a lot.

- [Drag] Yeah. Thanks, Turf.

- [Turf] Oh, don't get all crybaby on me.

I know it's not a full bar,

but maybe there's room on
the ship for a wine shelf.

- [Santos] (gasps) Oh,
do you really mean it?

- [Turf] Sure! Why the hell not?

What do ya say, boys? Who's up
for some shelf-construction?

- [All] Yeah! (cheering)

- [Cherry] Self-destruction initiated!

- [Santos] Oh, right! I
never fixed the voice modu...

(distant explosion thumps)

- [Caboose] Yup. That was weird.

(rumbling)

- [Vic] Hey, compadres!

Now, it wouldn't be a season
of Red vs. Blue without a PSA.

That's when our cast takes
a moment to break character,

talk with the audience directly
about some real important

cultural issues like voting,
tax evasion, STD tests

and the true meaning of Christmas.

This is not one of those PSAs.

(suspenseful piano music)

- [Man] Who was he?

- [Sarge] Some called him a hero.

(explosions roar)
(gun fires)

I called him my friend.

(ominous percussive music)

- [Grif] He's assembling an army.

(solders cheer)

If we don't stop him now,

there won't be any universe
left for us to save.

- [Sarge] Then we're gonna need some help!

Listen up, cupcakes!

I hope you brought your wallets,

'cause the rent in hell
gets paid in advance!

(solders cheer)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(ship thumps)

(guns fire rapidly)
(explosions roar)

(guns fire rapidly)

(explosion roars)

(explosions roar)

(gun fires rapidly)

(engine revs)

- [Tucker] Sarge!

(engine revs)

You should've killed me
when you had the chance.

- [Sarge] This ain't over yet!

- [Tucker] Only one of us is
gonna make it outta this alive.

I'm gonna enjoying watching you die.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(explosion roars)

(ominous orchestral chord)

- [Simmons] Holy shit!
That was off the hook!

- [Sarge] They butchered my movie!

- [Grif] What? No way.

That looks dope as hell.

- [Donut] Did Brad Pitt lose weight?

It looks like he lost weight.

- I cannot wait for that.
- Hell yeah!

I've already pre-ordered my tickets.

- [Sarge] It was supposed
to be a tone piece

about the nature of war!

And that McConaughey guy
is a total miscast for me.

The guy has no shoulders!
- Seriously?

That whole thing seemed
right up your alley.

- [Sarge] Clearly, you
just don't understand

my refined tastes, Agent Washington.

- [Tucker] Yeah, and I can't wait to see

what they did with my character.

- [Wash] It's not even the real you!

It turns out to be an evil clone.

- [Tucker] Dude! Spoilers!

- [Caboose] Gah, did I
miss the "Sarge Three

colon Final Sarge colon
Revelations" trailer?

- [Simmons] Yeah, you did. Idiot.

- [Sarge] I could've been the
Bertolucci of my generation!

- [Caboose] Ah, man,
that's the whole reason

I bought tickets to this dumb
movie in the first place!

- [Announcer] And now for
our feature presentation.

- [Donut] Woo-hoo! Laser Team 3!

- Hey, shut up!
- Oh, sorry!

(aggressive metal music)

♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪

♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪

♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪

♪ Yeah they're going down ♪

♪ You know they're going down ♪

♪ Yeah they're going down ♪

♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪

♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪

♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪

♪ Yeah they're going down ♪

♪ You know they're going down ♪

♪ Yeah they're going down ♪

♪ If they ever thought they had a shot ♪

♪ You're the one who sold
the lies they bought ♪

♪ Yeah they're going down ♪

♪ Yeah they're going down ♪

(upbeat electronic funk music)

♪ Shake, dance ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah ♪