Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 12, Episode 1 - Oh Captains, My Captains - full transcript
- Red Team, this is Blue
Team. We are in position.
How copy? Over.
Blue Team, this is Red Team. I
copy: Blue in position. Over.
Gold Team, this is Blue Team.
All units are in position and
awaiting further instructions.
What is your status? Over.
Gold Team, two-three, this
is Blue Team, one-two.
Radio check. Over.
Uhhh, yeah, we're here Blue Team.
Gold Team, I repeat, what
is your status? Over.
Uh, we're pretty good.
What!
Actually, we were
wondering if we could maybe
change our name to Orange Team?
What difference does it make?
You tell them it makes a
big difference, Bitters,
because I am orange.
I am not gold, I am not
yellow, I'm fucking orange!
Grif!
Get off the radio! The teams are fine!
The teams suck.
You're gonna blow our cover!
Ugh. All right, we'll be gold.
Go tell the Blue Team to suck a dick
and then get in position.
Whatever you say, captain.
(dramatic music)
We're infiltrating an enemy base
and you're bitching about colors.
It's a misleading title!
People could get confused!
Oh shut up.
No, he's right. I'm confused.
Caboose, you're always confused.
Well that sounds confusing.
Ooh, okay, door's opening
in approximately 15 seconds!
Yeah, yeah.
Oh man, what if this doesn't work?
Probably won't.
What if it's a trap!
Probably is.
What would Sarge say in a time like this!
Shut it, Simmons.
Probably, yeah.
Here we go!
(screaming)
(gun firing)
Did we win?
No. Apparently we've unlocked
one of several security doors.
Oh, so I talk on the radio
and it's jeopardizing the mission,
but that happens and everything's fine?
Shush, Grif! They might hear you!
Door's opening!
(screaming)
(gun firing)
Captain Grif, we have a visual
on the main compound, over.
What's it look like?
Well, on a scale from one to 10...
I'd say we're pretty fucked.
Stow that kind of talk, Bitters.
Our COs put a lot of
thought into this plan,
so why don't you show a little faith?
Right, Captain Caboose?
Yes.
All right, we're almost
there. Is everyone ready?
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready.
Captain Simmons? Jensen has
something to say to you.
Uhh, yes Jensen?
I just wanted to say, that
no matter what happens,
it's been an honor working with you, sir.
Uh, thank you, lieutenant.
That is, yes, that's... Affirmative.
Over.
What the fuck was that?
What?
Did you stroke out for a second?
You sounded like Caboose.
If he's me, can I be him?
Shut up.
Look at me, I'm smart! I like
slide rulers and protractors!
Oh, I can't wait to go
do some protracting!
So I still have problems
talking to girls. Big deal!
Yeah, it is!
Especially when your squad
consists entirely of girls!
Now man up!
Oh no, this is like junior
high all over again!
What?
Why do I have to play
in the women's league?
I want to be a mathlete, dad! A mathlete!
Okay, I don't want to be Simmons anymore.
God damnit, do I have to
do everything around here?
Everybody get ready!
We're going on my mark!
Three. Two. One!
Every man for himself.
It's important that I live.
What? What's going on?
Suppressing fire.
Reinforcements on our way! Ah Grif!
Captain Caboose. No!
Don't worry, we're coming!
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Why are there so many
pedals on this thing?
(alarm ringing)
What the hell was that?
(screams) Oh, we stopped.
What is the point of
these training exercises
if you people aren't
going to work together?
But we did! We had team
names and everything!
- Grif was gold!
- Orange!
You had a plan, you were organized,
but once again you
crumbled under pressure!
Lieutenants, debrief with your COs.
Everyone else, round up all
training weapons and uniforms.
That's enough capture the flag for today.
Whoa, what the hell
are we supposed to say?
"Hey guys, sorry you still suck.
Turns out we suck too,
but at least we have something in common!"
Tell them what they need to hear.
Tell them that they can do
this, and that next time,
they will be better.
So you want us to lie to them?
No, I don't.
You wanted to talk to us, sirs?
I hope Tucker has it better than this.
Hey Felix...
You think I could have a
turn with that sniper rifle?
- Absolutely not.
Sometimes I like to take my hands
and cup them around my eyes!
Like little hand-binoculars.
Shut the fuck up, Palomo.
It doesn't look good, guys.
They've really beefed up their security.
Why? What's going on?
Well, could be that someone from up top
is coming to visit, or
it could be a response
to the weapons I stole from
this place a few weeks ago.
Gee. I wonder which one it is.
I mean, I think it's pretty
obvious it's the weapons.
Stop talking.
We're gonna have to go with plan B.
Wait, what do you mean? What's plan B?
We plant C4, we leave, and
we blow this outpost to hell.
What?
It's a standard hit and run.
I've done it a million
times, we'll be fine.
Uh, actually no, we will not be fine.
I thought you said we came
here to gather "intelligence".
That's gonna be pretty fucking difficult
when their computer system
is in about 40,000 pieces.
Okay, I get that you want
to save your friends.
I do, really,
but data retrieval is no longer an option.
Once we find out where
they're holding Wash
and the others, the New Republic
will do everything they can to save them,
but today isn't that day.
Yeah, whatever.
Now, we've only got one active-camo unit.
Tucker, that's going to you.
It's a little damaged, so
try not to run it constantly,
only when you need to disappear.
Got it.
As for the rest of you,
that's up to your captain.
Oh! Right.
Ah, here's the problem.
Rats must've chewed through the wire.
That is a military-grade,
reinforced power cable.
What kind of rats are you talkin' about?
Space rats?
Yeah, I could see that.
Oh, the back of my head!
Perfect!
Now you look just like the
rest of those assholes!
That was stupidly fortunate.
What do you mean?
I mean what if we had ended up
with two really fat bad guys?
What size are you,
Cunningham? Like a medium?
Youth extra-large, sir.
See? Whole plan, whole
plan would've been ruined!
You think just 'cause
you watch something on TV
that it's a good idea?
You don't?
Also...
Really, man? Youth extra large?
It's very slimming, sir.
Hey, what about me? Do I get a disguise?
No.
- Palomo, you're guarding
our escape route.
Oh, okay!
It's because I don't trust you.
Got it!
Honestly, if you were out in the field,
you'd probably get all of us killed.
I can totally see that,
yeah. Yeah. That'd be me.
- Alright.
Let's go to work.
Okay... just play it cool.
You really think this plan's gonna work?
I mean I know the Reds
and Blues are supposed
to be war heroes, but...
they all seem kind of dumb.
Dude, I'm invisible, not deaf.
Oh. Sorry, sir.
Okie-dokie, boys!
Everyone take your
modified sticky-detonators,
find something that looks expensive,
and strap a bomb to it.
As soon as you're done,
head back to the cave.
You sure you'll be okay in
your armor out there, sir?
Don't you worry about me, kid.
Freeze!
I am fucking awesome.
Okay, bomb. Do me a favor
and don't go off in my face.
Am I right?
Who am I talking to?
- You mean he's here?
Shit.
Yeah. Just came in from the city.
They still got the Freelancer up there?
I dunno, look it up inside.
Fuck that. I'm not gonna let
him catch me slacking off.
Wash...
- Tucker, what's your status?
Uhh... good, good.
Almost done...
- Don't move!
- What the?
- I said don't move! Turning is moving!
Alright... I want, like,
a hard drive or something.
With base locations, and classified shit,
and any info you've
got on Agent Washington
and the other guys you
kidnapped a while back!
Okay, just take it easy.
- Captain, we're almost
done. Where are you?
I'm in the lab, gimme a second.
- You're what?
Chill out, dude, I got this.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
I specifically told you not to!
Thank you, mute button.
Alright. The files are
copying over to a flash drive.
Sweet.
Haha. Look who's dumb now!
- Hey! I surrender!
No, sir, it's me! Cunningham!
Oh, right.
You turned off your
radio! Everything okay?
Yeah, sorry, I was kinda
in the middle of something.
Well we gotta go, like, now!
Right. Absolutely.
Just one more minute.
Sir, but I think the Feds are onto us!
Okay! Okay! We can go...
Now!
Oh shit.
- Cunningham, everything okay?
Jason... man, what's going on?
Guys, uh... Cunningham isn't responding!
We've been infiltrated.
- Sound the alarm.
(alarm blaring)
Oh, fuck.
God damn it! Everyone move,
we are aborting the mission.
I've detonated some of
the C4s as a distraction,
so get out now!
There's a good chance
they'll be searching for and
disarming the bombs!
Aw man.
- Hey you! Stop!
Uhh, yes?
You're a specialist, right?
- Come on man, we need your help!
Oh right.
Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck!
- Tucker!
- Jesus dude!
Are you okay? What happened?
No, I mean, yes I'm fine!
Where's Felix and Rogers?
Here!
Oh.
You can disarm this, right?
I uh, no I-
What do you mean "no"? This is your job!
Right! No, I know! Uh. I know.
- Intruder!
Right.
Talk to me people, where's Rogers?
- Not here!
Cunningham?
Locus got him.
Locus is here?
Run!
- What about Rogers?
- Get down!
- No! Wait!
Aw, son of a-
Boom! Huge explosion,
you wouldn't believe it!
He just shook it off, though,
like it was nothing and
he comes right at us!
Ooh.
He cuts our rocket launcher in half,
so Tucker goes in for a stab,
but nothing's working, that's
when I knew what to do.
I throw myself on top of him,
taking him completely by surprise!
But he has the strength of 10 men!
No, 10 bears!
- Dude, bears are strong...
This guy's invincible!
It looked like nothing
was going to stop him!
What did you do?
Huh? Oh, we tied a car to
him and threw it off a cliff.
- That is the most metal
thing I have ever heard.
So the moral of the story is:
you never know when random,
seemingly unimportant stuff
will turn out to be very important.
Which is why you shouldn't
question me when I tell you
to build me something like a
hammock, or a human slingshot.
- Grif, what are you doing?
Just telling these guys
how we took down the Meta.
Why?
Is it true, Simmons?
Did he really growl like
some sort of monster?
Did he really have the
strength of 10 bears?
I more like... you know, 20 bears?
- Wow!
- So hot.
That is why.
You're spending way too
much time with Tucker.
Grif, Simmons, and Caboose.
Report to my office immediately.
Well guys, looks like that's
it for today. Run along.
- Aww.
- I liked the part with the bears.
- Tucker!
- If you hug me, I will shoot you.
It's okay Tucker, I know
you're more into groping.
Come on, let's grope!
- When'd you get back?
A little while ago.
What happened?
Oh, I'll tell you what happened.
Captain Tucker here
decided to disobey orders
and took it upon himself to recover
a hard drive full of
Federal Army secrets...
A decision that only cost him
the lives of two of his men.
That's a pretty damn good
trade if I do say so myself!
- What?
Man, you should've seen this guy!
He was all, "I don't play by the rules!"
Fuckin' James Bondin' and
shit all over the the place,
it was crazy!
Wait, I thought you were pissed!
Oh, do not get me wrong!
I wanted to beat your worthless skull
into the ground until it was paste,
but look where we are now!
You took a risk, and it paid off!
Paid off? Dude, two of our guys are dead!
And two more will probably die tomorrow.
Seriously, what don't you
people get about that?
- That's enough, Felix.
Just sayin'.
Tucker...
Your choice cost two men their lives,
but it also granted us access
to valuable information.
Whether or not it was the right
thing to do is a conclusion
you'll have to come to on your own.
I'll leave it at that.
Right now, the six of
us need to have a talk.
Could it not be as depressing
as the talk we're having right now?
I know where your friends are.
- You do?
- Whoa.
- Yay! I have friends!
- When did this happen?
I kept digging through the
files Tucker brought back.
There wasn't much to go off of,
but eventually I found them.
From the looks of it, they've
been moved around a bit.
Finally! We can rescue Sarge
and everything will go back to normal!
Isn't that great, Grif?
Great is a strong word, Simmons.
I'd've gone with "tolerable".
- Don't celebrate just yet...
As I said, they've been moving
around fairly regularly,
and from the looks of things
that isn't going to stop.
Right now, they're held up in a compound
just north of a nearby mountain range...
but in about a week,
it sounds like they'll be
transferred to the Capital...
a place that is very,
very out of our reach.
So, then we go get them now!
Is that, that's a thing we can do, right?
The compound she's talking
about is twice the size
of the one Tucker and I raided.
Breaking in would be suicide,
breaking someone out would be...
like suicide, and a
bunch of puppies dying.
- How do you know?
Because I've tried.
And uh, spoiler alert, it didn't go well!
Are the puppies okay?
Kimball, please, talk some
sense into these guys.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, can we
get back to the puppies?
When I first heard about you four,
I envisioned strong, daring,
respectable soldiers.
- But?
But now that I've come to know you...
I've found that you're
something else entirely.
It turns out you're all a bunch of...
- Cowards.
- Losers.
- Idiots?
- Spacemen.
Misfits. You're oddballs
that don't exactly fit in...
Which is why my men all look up to you,
and why morale has been
at an all-time high.
Because they can relate to you.
Because together, we're an
army of underdogs and outcasts.
But as of right now,
I cannot authorize a rescue
mission of this scale.
Interestingly enough, you work
well when you fight together,
but individually you still haven't shown
what it takes to lead others.
Which is why I'm giving you five days.
Five days to assemble a smaller team.
One comprised of the best
of each of your platoons.
And if you can convince
me that you're ready
by the end of those five days...
then you will have my support.
- Five days?
- That's not really a lot of time.
Well, it's all you've got.
Yeah. Um, if this is really happening,
I'd like to be paid in advance.
Five days? Five fucking days?
My naps take longer than five days.
And President's Day is Monday!
So we can't expect people
to come in on a holiday,
because that would be
time and a half, and-
oh my god, that would
be five and a half days!
Take may advice, gentlemen.
Live to fight another day.
I think I liked you better
when you thought we were super soldiers.
- Hey, what's up with that?
This is a plasma rifle.
Part of my cut from the hit and run.
- Your cut?
- You think these guys have
any money lying around?
Yeah, right.
They pay me in old, alien tech.
The whole reason Chorus
was chosen for colonization
was because it showed promising signs
of extraterrestrial artifacts.
Turns out the UNSC was right,
too bad they abandoned the place.
But hey! Their loss is my very
shiny, very valuable gain!
Wait, why steal weapons and ammo
when we could just use
this space-laser shit?
Because they don't work,
genius. They're busted.
But I'm willing to bet someone
out there would be happy
to pay a very large sum
of money for these babies.
Wait, I'm sorry, I'm confused,
are they babies or lasers?
Or laser babies?
While we're talking business,
if you guys are serious
about rescuing your friends
by the end of the week,
I could always be persuaded to increase
my level of assistance for
a one-time fee, of course!
Maybe something along the
lines of an alien energy sword?
Eh? Any takers?
Tucker?
I don't think so.
If you like the New Republic so much,
how come you still charge
them for your help?
Because when I retire,
I want a television the
size of a billboard.
Well, that's gonna be bad for your eyes.
I'm just saying you could
always help us out for free.
You know, mix it up a little?
Ah, okay, so you want me to help you
rescue your friends because?
What, it's the right thing to do?
Yeah. It's called "not being a dick."
You know, if I recall,
the first time these people
ever asked you for help,
you turned them down.
Figured this whole "civil war"
thing wasn't your problem.
In fact, I bet if your friends
had never been captured,
you'd still refuse to lend them a hand,
even if it was the "right thing to do".
- Everyone has their price.
I learned that a long time
ago. And you're no exception.
I just think that-If you
would just reconsider, sir.
I mean, I've followed
your order from day one!
With like, the burritos, and,
I'd follow you to the
end, sir, really I would!
Bitters, what do I always say?
Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
But sir!
Matthews, you are, in
fact, a total kiss-ass.
And nobody likes that.
Bitters, do you like that?
Nope.
Bitters doesn't like that.
Because Bitters here is a maverick.
A loose-cannon... And
people love loose cannons.
I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself,
isn't that right Bitters?
Actually, I'm starting to
think you're just kind of lazy.
You see that? Total loose cannon response.
I respect that, Bitters.
(sighs) Whatever.
So as much as it pains me, inside
I'm afraid I must deny your request
to join our elite team, Matthews.
Very well, sir. I understand.
Even in defeat, he's still a kiss-ass.
- Grif, hurry up!
Speaking of which...
Hello! Welcome, everyone!
Thank you for joining us here.
Why don't we just all go down the line
and introduce ourselves?
Um, hi, yes. My name
is Michael J. Caboose.
- Hi, Michael.
No, I meant the recruits!
Why would we need to introduce ourselves?
They already know us!
- Yes, but do they know the real us?
What does that even mean?
- That's a very interesting
question, Tucker.
Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?
Ugh. Just state your name.
- And tell us a fun fact about yourself!
- Really?
Permission to speak, sir?
Uh go for it.
Thank you sir! Lieutenant Jon-
Hey, G.I. Joe, could you drop the act?
We don't have all day.
Oh uh, very good sir. My
friends call me Smith.
I've served the New Republic
faithfully for several years,
and I believe Captain Caboose
is one of the wisest individuals
I have ever had the
pleasure of meeting, sir.
Great, another kiss-ass.
You mean our Caboose?
Yes, sir.
- This one right here?
- Correct.
The blue one?
Okay, moving on. Next!
Hello everyone! I'm Katie Jensen.
I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh.
Should we do something?
Sorry. Choked on my own spit.
Simmons, what the fuck is this?
It was either her
or the really hot one
that plays volleyball.
Then what the fuck is this?
She makes me less nervous,
okay? Leave me alone!
- Next?
I'm Bitters. My fun fact
is I don't have a fun fact.
Total. Maverick.
And last but not least!
Private Palomo, slayer of
women, wooer of evil. Wait...
Is that your fun fact?
Oh, uh, I'm the only surviving
member of Green Team!
Suck on that!
I fucking hate you, Palomo.
Alright!
As you've all been informed,
this team has come together
for the sole purpose of
rescuing the remaining survivors
of a UNSC shipwreck from
several months back.
We all know them as Donut,
Agent Washington, and Sarge.
And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.
And maybe an adorable
robot named Freckles!
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
The point is, we've only got
five days to train you guys,
so we're getting started
now. Any questions?
Who is leading this team?
I am.
- Uh, what?
Well, I'm obviously the one
who should be leading us.
I'm the most logical of the group!
Bullshit!
I'm the one who set up
this entire meeting!
Yeah, and this meeting blows dicks.
Wait, why do you want to be the leader?
Well, I'm really starting to get used
to all this praise and pampering,
and I don't want to risk losing
it all to one of you jerks.
- I can always praise and pamper you, sir!
God damnit, Matthews, what
did we just talk about?
Well I think there's an
easy way to settle this.
Raise your hand if you were the leader
of a team any time
before joining this army.
- Oh whatever, that was a fluke.
Yeah, and I forgot to raise my hand.
Hey, if you're looking for experience,
so far I'm the only one who's
been on an actual mission.
Two people died...
Excuse me, sirs?
We could always vote.
My fellow soldiers, if you
elect me as your leader,
you're not just voting for a kind,
well-mannered leader,
you're voting for victory!
I've overseen countless skirmishes
and calculated my opponents' every move,
and although some people may
not count Dungeons and Dragons
as an acceptable example
of military expertise,
I beg to differ.
A vote for Dick Simmons
is a vote for America!
But we're not in America.
Fuck.
And I will put kool-aid in
all the water fountains!
And we won't have to
wear uniforms anymore!
And Principal Kimball will
allow us double recess!
Caboose, you're not running
for class president!
No, don't you see?
We won't need uniforms anymore,
because the war will finally be over!
Kimball will send us out into the world,
and we'll never have to
raise another gun ever again.
My god, he has such a way with words.
Is this guy for real?
Wait, what about the kool-aid
in the water fountains?
Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.
- Dibs.
- What?
I call dibs on the team. Dibs.
You can't call dibs on the team.
- You sure?
- Grif!
Alright, whatever!
I didn't wanna be leader anyway.
Sup guys? Tucker here.
Uh speech speech.
Oh! So, I've always said that
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Lookin' at you, Jensen.
Me?
Yeah, tell your volleyball
friend I said that. Anyways-
- Please, God.
Tell me you guys haven't
been standing around
talking all morning.
Alright, look, you want the truth?
I don't want to be your leader.
Being a leader totally sucks.
It's hard work and you have to
put up with people you hate.
But I want to get my friends back,
and seeing as that's our mission,
I will deal with whatever bullshit
I have to do to make it happen.
And if I was holding a mic,
this would be the part where I drop it.
I vote for Tucker.
Yeah, I vote for Tucker.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Congratulations, Tucker. You
got the job that you hate.
Yeah! Great! Yay, happy for you!
So did you guys want to
start training at some point,
or, sorry, would you prefer
to keep dicking around?
Because by all means,
I could watch this train wreck all day.
Really, it's like the Hindenburg
footage. You ever see that?
Just absolutely breathtaking.
Until you realize everyone's screwed.
- Eureka!
- Is it working?
Hello? Can you hear me?
- Yes! Jesus! What's
the point of this again?
This is going to make
you all better fighters!
Tell 'em, Simmons.
Jensen and I have
installed capture software
into all of our helmets,
allowing us to transmit what
we see on the battlefield
to a local server.
Wait, do they only
record on the battlefield
or are they recording all the time?
All the time, duh!
Eh, I dunno how I feel about that.
Dude, it's fine.
But what if it records me
doing something embarrassing?
Like looking at Jensen's
butt or something?
Excuse me?
Just don't look at Jensen's butt, Palomo.
Well now I'm way more aware
of her butt than usual
and it's throwing me off!
- Palomo!
- Yeah, I'm just gonna
look at the ceiling.
I still don't get how this
is supposed to make us any better.
It's like this. Sometimes
you're with a lady, right?
And she wants to spice things up,
so you're like "Boom. Video camera."
And she's into it, so then
you're like "Aww yea".
But then what's even better
is that later, you can go back
and look at those tapes
and figure out what was really working,
and what you can do better!
So it's like football coaches
reviewing clips of past games.
Sure, I mean, if you're
into football coaches
and that works better for you, I guess.
No judgements.
Alright, we're good to go.
You set up the training weapons?
I told someone else to set
up the training weapons.
- You'd make a great manager.
- I've said it for years.
Sorry, I meant terrible.
You'd make a terrible manager.
Whatever.
You say tomato, I order a
subordinate to say tomatoh.
Okay, so our mission today
will be to disarm and
apprehend an enemy soldier.
Take out one guy? That's doable.
- The soldier is Felix.
Uh, what?
If we can take out the best
fighter in the New Republic,
I'd say we stand a pretty good chance
against any of those Feds.
Yeah, I don't agree to this.
You don't have to! Just
do what you'd normally do.
But know that you'll
have a giant bulls-eye
painted across your back.
Alright, fine. Bring it on tough guy.
I will!
And when we capture you,
you're gonna tell Kimball
that we're approved for the mission!
Fine!
Good!
Great!
So are you just gonna stand there, or?
No, I was sticking my
tongue out at you, but...
I guess I'm wearing a helmet so...
Shut up.
We got this.
Thanks for joining us everyone.
Private Ganoosh and I were
given the task of editing down
all of the footage from
your training session.
We took what we believed
to be some of the more
eye-opening moments from today's events
in hopes that they might help
you strategize in the future.
Like a highlight reel?
- Like a reel.
- Why don't we get started?
Hey guys! Welcome to my helmet cam.
Uh, today we're going to be
trying to take down Felix,
so let's see how it goes!
Could be bad. Could be good.
Could be in the middle!
- Who are you talking to?
Uh, the audience.
- What audience? We're
recording this for ourselves!
You're the audience!
Oh yeah. Hi me!
- Hi Palomo!
Could we skip this part?
Sure. Not like we worked
hard on this or anything.
- Huh? Huh?
- Okay, Felix is right over there.
- Bitters, hand me a flash-bang.
Oh, right. About that.
Hurry up! He's getting away!
- I don't have any.
- I told you to grab them!
Yeah, I wasn't really listening.
What?
World's worst manager.
- Let's not argue semantics, Simmons!
- That's not what that word means.
Does anybody have a fucking grenade?
- I gave mine to Caboose.
- You what?
Fire in the hole.
(people chattering)
(laughing)
- Fucking idiot.
- I could watching this for hours!
- Jesus Christ, how long is this video?
Hours. I just fucking
said it, pay attention.
Does it get any better?
Define better.
- Come on, let's go.
- Go where?
To try this again.
- This is gonna be good.
- I'll make some popcorn.
Oh god.
Feel the burn.
What if I am too good-looking?
I mean, it's possible-
No fair.
He's holding a training-gun, right?
- Yes sir.
- Well, that's good to know.
(laughing)
What a dope!
Ha! Ha-ha! Yeah, I don't get it.
- 33, 34, 35.
- 36, 37, 38, 39.
Surprise mother fucker!
(screaming)
Target sighted. Heading towards--
Achoo!
Uh anyone else have eyes on target?
- Negative.
- Uh, no.
- Yeah, I got nothin'.
(laughing)
Looking at the ceiling!
Hey, Felix!
Catch!
One Mississippi two Mississippi.
- Oh no.
- Three Mississippi, four Mississippi.
- No, no, no, no!
At what point did you think
I knew what that meant?
Ah, shit.
(laughing)
Okay, that was actually kind of funny.
Hey!
You know I have to admit,
I've never seen these
guys laugh so much before.
Why are you being so hard on us?
Come again?
All we need is a green-light from you,
and Kimball lets us save our friends.
So why the hell can't you
just lighten up for once?
Because you will die!
You know, for people
who have done so much,
you really are just a bunch
of idiots, aren't you?
That's what we said from the start!
So then why are you still
trying to be something you're not?
Felix!
Whether you go or not
is ultimately up to her,
but risking the lives of more people?
That's on you.
I thought you didn't
care about losing people.
- I don't. But you do.
We need to talk.
Can it not be as depressing
as the talk we're having right now?
- Well, I can't make any promises.
I like to come down here
when I need to think.
It's peaceful.
- It's really glowy.
That's the algae. Don't
touch it. It's radioactive.
Oh. Tranquil.
Tucker, I'd like to apologize
for Felix's behavior.
He was out of line.
- Yeah, he's kind of an asshole.
- He's just worried.
Right.
I could really feel his concern
when he dislocated my shoulder yesterday.
He puts on a tough-guy act,
but deep down I know he
cares about you guys.
Kimball, I hate to break it to you,
but the dude doesn't give
a shit about any of this.
He's just in it for the money.
- It's more complicated than that.
- Oh.
- Are you banging?
- Jesus, no!
Just saying, guy does stuff for money.
We are not banging.
So you're single?
Felix may not be fighting
for the same reasons we are,
but he has more than enough
motivation to win this war.
What do you mean?
Things weren't always this bad,
the tides have turned time and time again.
We've come so close to victory,
only to be pushed back
to the brink of defeat.
But whenever things looked their worst...
Felix was there with vehicles, or weapons,
or even just a plan of attack.
I never wanted to be a soldier,
Tucker. None of us did.
But Felix? He chose this lifestyle.
And he chose it because he's good at it.
You know, for his boss,
you really make it sound
like you need him more than he needs you.
Well, I wasn't always his boss,
he was in this fight before
I was even an officer.
What?
Tucker I am the fourth person
to lead the New Republic.
And I repeat. What?
Our first leader was killed in action.
The second was assassinated
at what we had been told
would be a peace treaty.
And the third was blown out of the sky
while trying to leave Chorus for help.
- What are you doing?
- Call me crazy, but I suddenly don't feel
as safe around you.
I guess my position does
have a pretty quick turnover.
- Okay, now you're talking my language!
Touch me and you'll sink
to the bottom of this lake.
- No touching!
- That's what I thought.
So Felix has been on the
rebels' payroll for a long time.
What makes you think he
won't just up and leave
whenever he's made enough money?
I know I would!
I mean if I wasn't so
invested in your cause.
Like I said, Felix has
more than enough motivation
to win this war.
The thing that keeps him fighting?
It's the same thing that's
kept us from victory
for so long, it's what took your friends.
It's Locus.
What?
- Men! Front and center on the double!
Something wrong, sir?
Oh, you'd better believe
something's wrong, Private Smith!
- Wait, I thought we were Lieutenants.
- I'm a private!
Lieutenant, private, whatever!
Just listen to your captain!
I thought Tucker was our captain.
No, Tucker's our leader. I
think Grif's still a captain.
Are we still lieutenants?
- I don't see why not.
- Is this the line for the bathroom?
Listen to your captain!
- Okay, I'll bite. What's going on?
We have had a major breach
in security, Simmons!
A major fucking breach!
- We have?
Someone from this squad has
stolen from my very secret,
and very personal food stash!
Oh right. God help us if you
only had nine meals a day.
Oh, this wasn't just petty
theft, Simmons, this was murder!
I didn't do it!
Now we all agreed that it
was the tank's fault... What?
A Little Debbie Jelly Cream Pie
I'd been saving for emergencies
is now missing and presumed eaten!
No! I don't believe it!
Neither can I!
You've knowingly had
food within arm's reach
and haven't eaten it yet?
I have been hiding it since
basic training, Simmons!
Wait but that would mean it was years old.
How many years?
Let's not get into specifics.
Let's just say it's old.
- And still so young...
That's disgusting.
I know. But we're about to
find the sick son of a bitch.
Don't you worry about that.
Yeah, he's probably got indigestion.
And even though we all blame the tank,
kinda feel like Church
had a little something to do with it too.
You see, only one man in this squad
knew about my food locker...
he'd seen it after every training mission
I gave him while he was in my squad.
After every single raid on the mess hall,
he reported back to me...
and I thought I could trust him...
but it turns out I was wrong.
Isn't that right, Bitters?
Well? What do you have
to say for yourself?
- I think my stomach is dying.
Damnit, Bitters, I thought you were cool!
But it turns out you're
nothing but a lazy,
good for nothing, dirtbag!
- Hey, leave him alone!
Shut it Simmons!
Simmons?
Oh. Wait. I mean.
- Grif, you're starting
to sound like Sarge.
What the? Simmons? What's happening to me?
I think you're having a mental breakdown!
Yeah, those are my favorite kind.
Being thrust into a position of power
must be putting too much
stress on your brain!
Now it's defaulting to what
you subconsciously perceive
to be the symbol of leadership! Sarge!
That's not true! That's impossible!
- No!
- Do you guys have any idea
what's going on on here?
- Not in the slightest.
- I think I'm gonna vomit.
- Oh god, I'm gonna hurl!
- Gross!
- Don't let me drown in my helmet!
What does Locus have
to do with any of this?
When the Federal Army heard we had hired
a mercenary to help our side,
they decided to do the same...
but they didn't just
find any contract killer,
they found Felix's oldest rival.
His ex-partner, Locus.
So you're telling me
Felix used to be friends
with that psycho?
Not exactly.
They fought together in the
Great War and their squad
saw one of the worst
battles in UNSC history.
Felix and Locus never got along,
they fought over everything,
but considering what they were up against,
they banded together, and they survived.
But surviving isn't always enough.
When the war was over, many
soldiers had a difficult time
returning to civilian life
and some of them weren't
able to return at all.
Felix and Locus were always competitive,
but when Locus signed up with the Feds,
I think Felix took it
as a final challenge.
- Final challenge?
Locus knew that his mission
would mean killing his former ally.
But he took it anyway.
Either the money was just too
good, or Locus wanted to know,
once and for all, which
of them was better.
We all have our reasons
for fighting, Tucker,
and I know that yours are your friends.
Your five days are almost
up and I don't know
when we're going to get
another chance like this.
You know, I think I respond better
to positive reinforcement.
I'm just saying you should make the most
out of the time you have left.
Your squad may be improving slowly,
but they're improving nonetheless.
You just need to keep trying.
Right, because that's
been working so well.
Feel free to come by my office
if you ever need anything, Tucker.
Fun's over, Tucker's back.
Tucker! Tucker come
here, tell me I'm cool!
Tell me I'm lazy and I
don't play by the rules!
- What?
- I don't want a southern accent.
- Y'ar! Drop and give me booty!
- We're dealing with some issues.
Well hurry up and get over it.
I need you guys to meet me
at the bunks in minutes.
Why? What's going on?
We're leaving.
What do you mean "leaving"?
Where are we going?
Ooh! Is it the park?
Oh, I know! It's the beach!
Wait a minute, you're not
taking me to the vet, are you?
No.
We're going to break into that compound
and bust out our friends.
But we still have some time
left to train the squad.
Why would we leave now?
Because the squad's not coming with us.
Are they going in a separate car?
- No.
- Ah, so they're flying.
I have an extra bag to check,
is that going to be a problem?
Because-
No, Caboose, we're going
on this mission alone!
- Alone with the squad. Got it.
- Why would we do that?
I dunno if you guys have noticed,
but our super-elite team sucks.
There's no way they'll be able
to pull off a rescue mission.
We don't know that! Kimball
could still pass us!
I'm not talking about passing,
I'm talking about our trainees blowing up,
or getting shot, or
disintegrated or something!
Oh. Yeah, that's a problem.
Look, Felix was right...
We're just gonna end up
getting more people killed.
So, you're saying that we should
just get ourselves killed instead.
Hey, we've done crazier things than this!
Remember that time we fought, like,
a bajillion hundred robots?
We didn't fuck that up!
We had Church.
Okay, well what about CT? Or the Meta?
We got lucky!
Bullshit.
Now maybe we can't teach a
bunch of people how to fight,
but the four of us can
totally pull this off.
We're not gonna get
another chance like this.
We just gotta go in and get our guys back.
After that, Wash will know what to do.
But even Felix couldn't
break into this place!
We're not Felix! Felix is smart.
The Feds won't be expecting dumb.
- Hey, who are you calling dumb?
- Shut up.
No, Simmons, I was asking
for some clarification.
I'm a little lost.
Look, we keep trying to strategize,
and use code names, and
act like real soldiers,
but we're not!
We haven't been from the beginning,
so why are we trying now?
I say we just get in there
and do what we do best!
Uh, which is?
I have no idea!
But whatever it is, it's
worked for us before.
That's your plan? We
just show up and wing it?
- That's the worst plan I've ever!
- Alright. Let's do it.
What? Grif? You want to do this?
Yeah. So what?
So what? You never want
to do anything ever!
Simmons, I've been following
orders I never liked for years.
No you haven't. You disobey
orders all the time!
Well I don't want to be the guy
that gives shitty orders
nobody wants to follow!
I will not become a Sarge, damnit!
There's no way I'm making
a bunch of stupid rebels
get shot for something I want.
So yeah, whatever, let's just do it.
That's the most selfless
thing you've ever said.
- But I wanna steal
more food before we go.
- Okay, that's more like it.
Yay mission!
- Simmons?
- How are we getting there?
Haha, yes! Okay I snuck
into Kimball's office
and grabbed all the data
I took from the Feds' lab.
We've got a map that will
lead us straight to them.
All we need is a ride.
- Vehicle bay's got plenty
of warthogs, I guess.
- And I can drive a tank!
- No!
- Well, you're all just jealous.
Wait, what about the rebels?
I don't think they'll be happy
with us just leaving like this.
Hey Matthews, have you seen
the Reds and Blues around?
We can't find 'em.
No but that might explain why
two of our jeeps are missing.
- Hello everyone.
If you're listening to this,
it means we're already gone.
- Look, it's not you, it's us.
- Tell them not to leave the lights on!
- Caboose! Not now!
- I miss you already!
I promise we'll call!
Damnit, Tucker.
- They just left us?
- Who left us?
Oh, no.
Okay, the ability to fly north.
- Ehh, I dunno.
- What do you mean?
That's a great terrible super power!
Yeah, but you can still fly.
You can only fly north!
It's so inconvenient!
Once you land, you've got to walk
to wherever you were going!
I guess so.
Okay, what about the ability
to teleport one foot at a time?
Meh.
You're meh. This road trip sucks.
Hello? Anybody home?
We've got some cars that need fuel!
We would also like to
purchase some lottery tickets!
Yeah, I know the odds, but
I still think it's fun.
- This place looks deserted.
- Woohoo! Let's loot!
I've always wanted my own slurpie machine.
- Oh dude, let me know if
they've got any magazines.
- Me too! Ones with pictures!
- Specifically ones with
pictures. Ya know what I'm sayin.
What was that?
Maybe it's the owners?
Aw man.
Can't we just pretend they're
not here and loot anyway?
Hey Caboose, go tell 'em
they've got customers.
You guys start filling up the cars.
- Do it yourself. I'm gonna take a leak.
Alright, but be sure to
get my lottery ticket.
My numbers are five,
seven, don't forget them.
I know I said a bunch of inspirational
crap back at the base,
but it's times like these
when I really wonder how
we haven't been killed yet.
You know?
The power to turn into the Hulk,
but only when you're asleep.
Hello? Just here to use the bathroom!
Also, somebody emptied
out your slurpie machine!
Might wanna get that filled!
Man, what kind of gas station
doesn't have hot dogs?
Ugh! Jesus! It smells like
somebody died in here!
Ba da da da, da ba, ba-da-da-da.
Da ba da ba da ba da ba.
- May arrive without warning.
- Do not disappoint me.
- Understood, Control.
Oh! I think I hear the
sound of new friends...
Hello-
Tucker! Perfect!
You can help me and my friends
come up with a secret high-five!
- So what's the word?
Control says to give it 30 more minutes.
- Ugh! This is a waste of time.
- Agreed.
- Who are these guys?
- Definitely not the
gas station attendants.
- Wow, Tucker. I can really
see why you're the leader.
- Up yours.
Quiet, I can't hear what they're saying.
You know what they say, orders are orders.
- Jackson.
- Yes Locus.
- Change of plans. Report
back to base immediately.
The Reds and Blues will
be requiring an escort.
Understood.
You heard him. Grab the
gear and prep for evac.
Where are they going?
Tucker wait!
They just vanished.
- Vanished?
- They said something
about Reds and Blues.
Oh my god I know those colors! They're us!
They were Feds, I heard one
of them mention "Locus".
Well they didn't look like the
typical storm-trooper guys.
You think they were special ops?
I think we should get to that
base as fast as possible.
Come on, let's go.
- Missed.
Missed.
- Missed.
- Palomo? I know when miss.
- Are you missing on purpose?
- Alright, that's it.
- Ow! Ow! It was a legitimate question.
Well, I spoke with Kimball.
Search and rescue has been denied.
- Yeah, well, good riddance.
They never cared about us anyway.
How can you say that?
They left because they
didn't want us getting hurt.
Yeah, well what do you call this?
They didn't take us to get shot,
but they sure as hell left us to die.
We don't know that, they could come back!
Their message didn't exactly specify.
- They'll come back.
I know they'll come back.
- Nice shot.
- Wasn't me.
You shouldn't be so hard on the guys.
They did what they thought was best,
can't fault 'em for that.
Still, I'm going to beat the living shit
out of those four when I find 'em.
- When you find them?
Tell Kimball I'm buying back
one of the warthogs I sold her.
But Felix, she said we weren't
allowed to go after them!
It was a direct order!
- Orders only work on soldiers.
I am a mercenary.
This is it.
According to our data,
the Federal Army base
is just on the other side of this wall.
About time!
My ass was asleep for so long
I thought it slipped into a coma.
- So we're here. Now what?
- We bust our way in!
- Anyone have any ideas?
- We could try scaling the wall.
- Eh, that's a little too
obvious. Think dumber.
- We could knock on their door.
- Too dumb.
- I was joking.
- We could knock on their door.
- I just said that!
Yeah, but you were joking.
I felt the plan deserved
more serious consideration.
How do you break into
an evil, ice fortress?
You melt it! Like evil ice cream.
Holy shit.
We melt our way in!
- Wait, what? Yes! I win!
- What.
We can't go through the wall,
and going over it is what
most people would do,
so let's just go under it!
- That's retarded.
- Exactly!
Damn. I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, ever,
seriously, but, good job, Caboose.
I'm just glad someone
appreciates my genius.
Now let's start melting!
Caboose, you're wearing a helmet.
That's not doing anything.
Okay well then fine,
how do you explain my
sudden light-headedness.
What about friction?
All the ladies tell me I light
a fire between their legs!
That's chlamydia.
Friction won't work.
It's gotta be negative
degrees Celsius out here!
That's negative degrees Fahrenheit.
- Jesus, that's cold!
- That's freezing!
- You people are idiots.
- Well say it in American next time.
- Oh! I've got it!
Stab!
Is it working?
Ah! It worked!
- Where are we?
- Hey!
- What was that noise?
- Oh shit, we're inside!
- I think bad guys are coming!
- What do we do? What do we do?
- I don't know! I didn't
think this far ahead!
Damnit, this is why
winging it is a bad idea!
No more winging it!
I swear, I heard something
just around the corner!
- Let's get out of here!
- There could be more
guards! We'll be caught!
Well, we gotta do something!
Just a few more feet and I'll be there!
Tucker!
What the?
Huh.
Well would you look at that!
Just a couple of harmless snowmen!
You guys wouldn't happen to be the ones
making all that racket now, would ya?
Well, time for some target practice!
Hurk!
But, why, Snowman?
I cannot believe that worked.
- You're welcome.
- How did you do that?
I used the same trick to hide from Sarge
all the time back in Blood Gulch.
You constructed and then hid inside of
a snowman in the middle of a hot canyon?
Hey Sarge, I found him!
It wasn't always the perfect plan.
According to our intel, there's
not much standing between
the end of this tunnel and
the detention facility.
That's awesome!
No, I mean...
There's literally nothing between us.
We'll spotted as soon
as we leave the tunnel!
I dunno. Doesn't look like
anyone's around to me.
(horn blaring)
Alright, lunch break's over.
Back to your stations, people.
- Come on, maggots. Get the
lead out, move move move!
(soldiers grunting)
Whooo! Brand new tank, comin' in!
- This will kill any intruders for sure!
- I hate my stupid mouth.
- I hate it more.
- How are we gonna sneak past that?
- We're not.
Glad to hear you're finally
making sense, Tucker!
Let's go home. Good effort, everybody!
We came, we saw, we
realized it was impossible!
No shame in that.
Can't help but realize
we haven't left yet.
We can't sneak past those guys, so instead
we're going to make as
much noise as possible.
If we can cause enough
trouble somewhere else,
we can draw them away from the prison.
What do you guys think?
Well, it fits with the "dumb ideas" theme.
I figure if we fuck up these
important looking pipes
and then haul ass,
we can make it into the building.
Ugh, we have to run?
We have to try.
Worst-case scenario, we end
up in jail with everyone else
and just wait for this whole
civil-war thing to blow over.
I think worse case
scenario is getting shot.
Or Grif getting shot and
we have to carry him.
There's only three of us.
Fuck it. Caboose, do your thing.
Time to clean the pipes!
Alert, catastrophic breach detected
in sewage pipeline sector three.
Sucks to be maintenance.
Warning. Sewage breach
detected in the barracks.
- Oh shit, my stuff!
- Oh, no no no!
- Now's our chance! Run!
- Here goes nothing!
- Let's race!
Come on guys, we've gotta save our shit!
(people chattering) ]
Jesus Christ, last
night it was Taco Night!
Yay! First place!
- Oh my god. I'm gonna die.
I hope I die.
Simmons, do something about this door!
- What do you mean?
- It's locked!
Hack the door controls or something!
What makes you think I
can just hack a door?
You're the smart one!
All you're good for is hacking things
and making me look more
handsome in comparison!
I don't have any intel!
I don't have any tools!
I can't just do it, I need time!
We don't have time, genius!
Just pretend like it's a
timed math test or something!
I don't work well under
pressure! You know that!
Oh shit.
Tucker?
Wash?
What in Sam Hell are you boys doing here?
- We came to save you!
- But we were supposed to save you.
♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪
- Cliffhanger!
I repeat, we have three survivors
in need of immediate assistance.
Make sure the docs are ready.
- He really did a number on 'em this time.
- Sarge?
- He's not dead, not yet.
- No.
I warned you, Agent Washington.
I gave you a choice
and you chose to fight.
I admire that decision.
Fuck you monster.
No, I'm not a monster...
I'm a soldier.
Like you.
- Well, hello, Agent Washington.
Project Freelancer?
- Agent Washington?
- Huh?
So you would say that you
have overwhelming feelings
of anger and a need for revenge?
- More than you know.
- What?
Wait, wait!
- Why did you do that?
What's wrong with you?
No, I was just.
- I was just following orders.
I was just following orders.
- You shot him!
What?
You shot him! You shot Donut!
No! I just, I did what I had to do!
Don't we all?
(gunshot fires)
- Agent Washington.
Agent Washington! Agent Washington!
- Oh! Well, that was close!
- Dirtbags!
Each and every one of 'em!
The soldiers? Dirtbags!
The medics? Dirtbags!
That good-for-nothin' mercenary
who shoots a man when
he ain't even lookin'?
You best believe he's
a numero-uno dirtbag!
And you!
You know what you are?
Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me, Sarge!
- Shut up, Donut!
- But I was gonna say dirtbag!
What? Doh, for the love of...
Now you've gone and given away the answer
to my rhetorical question!
I have an idea! Let's play the quiet game!
- Oh. It. Is. On.
Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash,
now is not the time for games!
Now is the time for action!
C'mon, help me get outta these cuffs!
There's a certain someone in this room
that I feel like bludgeoning to death.
- Just use your feet Sarge.
If he fights back, I'll
beat him off of you.
- You're not thinkin', Donut.
That would just alert more guards!
- Well if I can't beat
off a room full of dudes,
what have I been training
for this whole time?
- I would really like to
play the quiet game. Please.
- Officer on deck!
Agent Washington, Franklin Donut, Sarge.
I am so sorry!
Say what now?
Guard! Un-cuff these men at once!
And return their weaponry for god's sake!
- Yes sir!
Really sorry about this, sir.
I'd appreciate it if you decided
not to bludgeon me to death.
- Uhh I suppose I could
settle for near-death.
Goodbye handcuffs!
Aw wait, I didn't even
get to use my safe word.
It's "chrysanthemum."
- Okay, wait stop. Stop!
What is it, Agent Washington?
What is it? What is it?
First you send men to kill us,
then you send men to capture
us, and now that we're here
you're giving us guns
and saying you're sorry?
Um is that a problem?
- Only for you if you don't-
- Oh dear!
What a weenie.
I don't understand. None
of this makes any sense.
- Now just take it easy
for the rest of the day.
Remember, you're no good to
me dead, although I suppose
I could run some experiments on your body.
Erm, thank you, Emily. Your
help is always appreciated.
Anytime, General Doyle!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have limbs to amputate!
Of course.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have nothing
but apologies for you today!
Must be the thin air up here!
I've been doing a lot of traveling lately
and my body is still adjusting to the-
- Doyle, right?
Oh. Well, yes! Very observant!
General Donald Doyle of
the Federal Army of Chorus,
at your service.
- At our service?
- Full service?
Okay, General, let me
catch you up to speed
on what the past few days
have been like for me.
I've got a canyon full
of shipwrecked survivors
all trying to hail a rescue
when a squad of soldiers
all wearing your uniform
come down and attack us with their leader.
A big, black-suited, son of a bitch
who goes by the name "Locus".
Then once he leaves, I've
got another guy named Felix
telling me you and yours have
been terrorizing this planet,
and to top it all off,
that we're wanted men
for crashing on it in the first place!
So please, if you could do your best
to convince me not to
kill you this very second,
that would really benefit the both of us!
- Uh. Yeah!
Yes. I see.
None of this happened they
way that it should have.
Tell me, how much do you
know about the New Republic?
They don't try and kill us, for starters.
A noteworthy quality, yes,
but what else do you know about them?
They're rebels fighting to
overthrow a corrupt leadership.
They heard our distress call
and hoped we could help.
And you heard all of
this from a mercenary,
hired to assist them at all costs?
A bit of a biased source, don't you think?
These "rebels" aren't
looking to free this planet
their aim is to dominate it.
They were given ample
opportunities to move,
to form their own society
somewhere else on Chorus.
It is a large planet, I
can assure you, but no.
They are determined to
"take back what is theirs".
I'll admit, times were hard.
But as a planet cut off
from the rest of the galaxy,
we did our best to govern the people.
But it wasn't enough.
Suddenly buildings were exploding,
there were riots in the streets,
complete and utter panic, everywhere!
These were not acts of freedom,
they were acts of terrorism!
And we could not risk
warriors of your caliber
allying with them.
So you send your men to kill us?
Absolutely not!
I've got a few cracked
ribs that beg to differ.
And a hip bone that strongly disagrees!
Again, I must apologize.
The way this was handled was
not at all what I had wanted!
Upon hearing of your arrival on Chrous,
I ordered Locus to confirm his findings
and bring you to us as soon as possible,
unfortunately, it appears as though
I should have been more specific
in the exact method of your acquisition.
So what, this was all
your mercenary's fault?
You expect me to believe
that the general of an army
can't control his own men?
You're mistaken in
assuming I have any control
over Locus whatsoever, he
is a dog that has long since
broken from his leash, but we need him.
As I'm sure you've already observed
I am not a battle-worn soldier,
ripe with military expertise.
On the contrary, I was simply
next in line to run the army
should something happen to its leader.
What do you mean? Lieutenant
General? Major General?
Um, Personal Secretary to the Brigadier?
- What?
- Where'd all the other guys go?
Some of them left
before things took a turn
for the worst, but...
most of them were killed.
Yes, definitely they were killed.
Not many of us left,
these days, I'm afraid.
But you're supposed to be the evil empire!
With giant warships and
floating space lasers,
not camping out in the snow!
That stuff's for rebels!
And the sadly endangered polar bear.
Well, we are doing significantly
better than before!
We still have multiple bases of operation
and Locus has managed to acquire
top-notch military equipment.
He even helped to strategize
some of our more recent victories!
Though I would not consider
your rescue to be one of them.
I also wouldn't consider
it to be a "rescue".
Well I can assure you that
he was punished severely
for taking such drastic
measures against you!
I made sure he wasn't paid
a single penny for the job!
How comforting.
Gentlemen, I am fully aware
that I may never gain your trust,
but let me be perfectly
clear: We are not your enemy.
The New Republic has your
men, and I can promise you
they are likely recruiting them
into their rebellion as we speak.
Now I can inform my
troops not to attack them,
but I cannot stop them
from defending themselves.
I'm also unable to
promise you a safe escape
from Chorus in the
middle of this conflict.
Most of our ships are shot down
before they can escape the atmosphere.
So what can you promise us?
If you can help us
defeat these terrorists,
it would not only save our planet,
it would also save your comrades.
Then, once the skies are clear,
you could leave this forsaken
planet once and for all.
I don't like it, but I'm not
really seeing another way out.
Unless beating you unconscious
would somehow work.
Haha, highly doubtful.
- Drat. Then I guess I'm in.
- No man left behind, right?
- I still have one
question for you, general.
Which is?
Where are our robots?
- Alright! Fixed up and ready to go!
Bienvenidos robo-buddy!
You're back in the world of the living!
Viva, well, viva.
- No need to thank us, son.
We have got a lot of catching up to do!
Now what about Freckles?
Uh what's a Freckles?
- Agent Washington is referring
to a Mantis-Class Military Assault Droid.
And you won't find it among this wreckage.
Heh. I'll, uh, just look
somewhere else then!
- Locus.
The droid was malfunctioning.
It refused to surrender and
was therefore destroyed.
He's dead?
It was a machine. It had
no life to begin with.
You know it takes an awful lotta nerve
to come strollin' in
here after what you did.
Does my presence upset you, Sergeant?
It gives me an itchy trigger
finger, I can tell ya that.
What do you want?
Aside from my initial examination,
the men under my command
were ordered to take you alive.
All attacks were intended to wound,
all shots were designed to
intimidate, let me assure you,
my raid on your base was
calculated, choreographed,
and designed to apprehend you,
like herding sheep to the pen.
Were it not for the
intervention of the mercenary
and his forces, I would
have succeeded entirely.
And what? That's supposed
to make us feel better?
Because quite honestly it's
having the opposite effect.
It's supposed to make you understand.
- Agent Washington, I am a professional.
I follow orders and I complete
my missions at all costs.
I don't care what you think you are.
You just stay the hell
away from me and my men.
You still don't understand.
Or perhaps, you do.
- What?
- Excuse me!
If someone tells you to leave them alone,
you leave them alone.
Of course, Doctor.
Here.
- What is this?
- Before your droid was
dismantled, I had a technician
remove its primary storage unit.
Its heart and mind so to speak.
- Is this supposed to
be some sort of apology?
- Is it?
This guy doesn't make any sense.
I am not.
You give meaning to meaningless objects
and meaningless people,
then risk your own lives to protect them.
Where is the sense in that?
I look forward to your answer, soldier.
Sorry about that.
I promise the rest of us
aren't like him. I'm Dr. Grey.
- Oooh! A doctor!
That's like a medic who saves people!
- You a civilian, little lady?
Civilian?
(laughing)
Oh, I don't think you realize
how bad this planet's gotten!
The only people
who aren't wearing armor
these days are dead!
I know you, your voice.
Is that so? Oh!
Well, I performed surgery on you
after they brought you here!
Sorry if you find a few new scars.
A shot from a concussion
rifle isn't bad, but a severe
injury to the back of the
skull can be a little tricky,
especially when your head's
already filled with pretty
little wires and chips!
Hope I didn't damage
those neural implants.
I'm sure they're fine. Thank you.
You can thank me by ending
this war as soon as possible!
Bullet wounds and prosthetic
limbs have become so boring.
So, come by my office tomorrow
morning for a check up!
Once you're cleared, you
three'll be shipping off.
- Shipping off?
- Where are we going?
I don't give people orders, boys,
I just fix them when they break!
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back.
Tomorrow morning. My office 0800.
Well, what do you fellas think?
I think she's nice.
Not the doc, Donut! The army!
The general! The whole dealio!
Grif and Simmons are out
there with the Blues!
Alone, confused!
Probably eating and
complaining and back-talking-
God damnit Grif, just shut up already!
We do what we have to and
go along with it for now.
I just hope the others aren't
in too deep without us.
Okay, hold up.
You're telling me the
Feds are just as hopeless
as the New Republic? I
thought they were evil!
Well we thought you were being
brainwashed by terrorists!
Terrorists? Our soldiers are
a bunch of harmless morons.
Your soldiers?
We were all promoted to Captains.
They gave us squads and everything!
- Blue Team for life.
Clearly our enemy isn't as
cunning as we once thought.
We don't have an enemy.
As far as I can tell, both of these forces
have reasons to fight,
and neither are particularly guilt-free.
We've just been caught in the middle.
But the rebels aren't bad.
Some of them are our friends!
And we managed to make a few
allies within the Federal Army.
None of this makes either side any better.
The New Republic started this war
with extremist attacks on the capital.
Only because the government
was screwing them!
- You gotta admit, sounds
kind of like a dick move.
We need to get these two
sides to talk to one another.
Doyle's in the capital at the moment,
but maybe he can get this Kimball woman
to agree to a meeting.
If they can come to some
sort of understanding,
we might be able to end
this thing and go home.
This isn't right.
Believe me, there's plenty
wrong with this situation,
but I think this is our best move...
I'm just glad you guys made it.
No seriously, I mean
something doesn't feel right.
I just can't figure out what it is.
Is it a false sense of superiority?
That's probably a side-effect
of the false promotion.
Minutes after reuniting and
you're already starting shit.
What did you expect? Breakfast in bed?
- I hate you.
- I hate you more.
Wait do you hear that?
Uhh no?
You okay, Simmons?
What happened to the alarms?
Is it lunch time again?
- Hello?
Dr. Gray?
Anybody?
Dude, what's going on?
I don't know.
- Enemy contact! Fall back!
- Where'd he go?
- Sarge!
- Way ahead of ya!
- What's happening?
- We're under attack!
Donut! Establish a perimeter!
Got it!
Hey, just so you guys know,
you better not come over here!
Thank god! Sir, you've gotta help us!
They came out of nowhere!
Who, the rebels?
No!
Oh, good.
'Cause we kinda just found out
they're not really all that bad.
Boy, have we got a story to tell you!
And you are gonna laugh!
It's not the rebels, sir! It's!
- Umm.
Did everyone else see that?
You mean a man disintegrate
right in front of us?
- Yep.
- Really wish I hadn't.
Oh dear!
- We gotta do something!
- We can run! Running is something!
Get away from the car!
What are we dealing with?
- We dunno!
Well it ain't the rebels, that's for sure!
Then who the hell is it?
- Like sheep to the pen.
Oh no.
You're ready for slaughter.
Locus!
I advise you stand down, boy.
The soldiers from the fueling station?
- I thought they were Feds!
Those ain't our guys.
I told you, Agent Washington.
I am a professional.
I complete my missions at all costs.
But you and your comrades have
put a blemish on my record.
This is unacceptable.
What are you talking about?
You just killed the
men you're working for!
Hmmm. It appears you don't
understand after all.
Unfortunate.
You were such a fascinating soldier,
Agent Washington.
Huh?
Tucker! Grenade!
Oh, right!
That was close! Nice
throw, Tucker. (laughing)
Felix?
How many times have I jumped
in front of a bullet for you, Wash? Three?
Those are some pretty great reflexes, huh?
Most people would have to
plan that sort of thing.
Felix? What are you doing?
Just helping out an old acquaintance.
- They fought together in the great war...
You missed a spot.
Are you done?
Not even close.
- Dude!
- This doesn't make sense!
That's Locus! Your enemy!
Right, and I'm the charismatic mercenary
with a gruff exterior but a heart of gold!
A little too romantic, don't you think?
But the guy fucking shot you!
Ah! Son of a bitch!
Yeah, funny how an act
of sacrifice like that
buys you so much trust.
And so much information.
Weren't you with another
Freelancer? And an A.I.?
I need a detailed list of the
supplies you've got on hand.
You wouldn't happen to
have any hight-tech armor
aboard that wreck, would ya?
But you're supposed to hate each other!
Oh, we do.
After all, you should never
mix friends with business.
Wrap it up.
But we just work so well together.
- Run!
- What about Rogers?
Get down!
You dirty liar!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never
actually lied to you idiots.
Well, except for once.
"You're some of the
galaxy's greatest soldiers!"
Now that couldn't be
farther from the truth.
But you know, it did make
you the perfect candidates
to lead the people of Chorus.
Stop boasting and let me kill
them. We have a job to do.
Ooh, that's right. He
doesn't like you guys.
Actually thinks there might
be a few fighters among ya!
Told you he's crazy.
But why? Why the capture?
Why make us part of this war?
Well you see-
Felix.
No. I've had to put up with
these morons every day,
so you let me have this!
You see, someone,
somewhere, out in our galaxy
has their eyes set on this
planet, the only problem
is the inhabitants.
Now if it were up to me,
I'd just nuke this place from orbit,
but our employer has other ideas.
Holy shit, it's actually them.
Back off. Control wants them alive.
Oh no....
We have to play this thing
carefully, you understand?
If an entire planet dies
overnight, people ask questions.
But if you stumble onto this rock
and find that the settlers
killed each other...
Well, that's just a tragedy.
Our first leader was killed in action.
The second was assassinated
at what we had been told
would be a peace treaty.
And the third was blown out
of the sky while trying to
leave Chorus for help.
It was you. You started this war!
Wrong!
These people hated each other
way before our operation ever showed up.
We just had to keep
the hate-train a'going,
and lemme tell ya, you
guys have helped so much.
Does it hurt?
Knowing just how much death
you've brought to this planet?
Enough!
How many times must I tell you?
If you want to make the victim suffer,
you do it quickly and efficiently.
There will be no rescue for you.
You, you will die here,
today, along with the rest.
No one will find your bodies,
no one will know the truth,
and no one is going to stop
us from killing every last
person on this planet.
- Alright.
That's all I need to hear.
Kill them!
Who the fuck are you?
What is going on?
Just grab it and shoot!
Wash?
You think you're fast?
AH, what the fuck?
- Faster than you.
- Let's change that!
(shouts)
Locus!
Stay close!
Wait! Stop!
Call Control.
Uh, what just happened
and why did it hurt?
- Where am I?
- I think my insides were
just outside.
- Is everyone okay?
- You know,
I never thought I'd be so
glad to see you idiots again.
- Carolina?
- That's not all!
Miss me, assholes?
You fuck!
Huh. Wasn't expecting that.
(gentle music)
♪ In love in need ♪
♪ In want in miss ♪
♪ I taste your bite ♪
♪ I taste your kiss ♪
♪ And I think back ♪
♪ The things you said ♪
♪ They make me mad ♪
♪ A bull to red ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪
♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪
♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis by myself ♪
♪ On a Sunday ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis again ♪
♪ On a Monday ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ I buy your brand ♪
♪ I smoke your brand ♪
♪ I count the what-ifs on one hand ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪
♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪
♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis alone ♪
♪ Sunday morning ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis again ♪
♪ Sunday evening ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
Team. We are in position.
How copy? Over.
Blue Team, this is Red Team. I
copy: Blue in position. Over.
Gold Team, this is Blue Team.
All units are in position and
awaiting further instructions.
What is your status? Over.
Gold Team, two-three, this
is Blue Team, one-two.
Radio check. Over.
Uhhh, yeah, we're here Blue Team.
Gold Team, I repeat, what
is your status? Over.
Uh, we're pretty good.
What!
Actually, we were
wondering if we could maybe
change our name to Orange Team?
What difference does it make?
You tell them it makes a
big difference, Bitters,
because I am orange.
I am not gold, I am not
yellow, I'm fucking orange!
Grif!
Get off the radio! The teams are fine!
The teams suck.
You're gonna blow our cover!
Ugh. All right, we'll be gold.
Go tell the Blue Team to suck a dick
and then get in position.
Whatever you say, captain.
(dramatic music)
We're infiltrating an enemy base
and you're bitching about colors.
It's a misleading title!
People could get confused!
Oh shut up.
No, he's right. I'm confused.
Caboose, you're always confused.
Well that sounds confusing.
Ooh, okay, door's opening
in approximately 15 seconds!
Yeah, yeah.
Oh man, what if this doesn't work?
Probably won't.
What if it's a trap!
Probably is.
What would Sarge say in a time like this!
Shut it, Simmons.
Probably, yeah.
Here we go!
(screaming)
(gun firing)
Did we win?
No. Apparently we've unlocked
one of several security doors.
Oh, so I talk on the radio
and it's jeopardizing the mission,
but that happens and everything's fine?
Shush, Grif! They might hear you!
Door's opening!
(screaming)
(gun firing)
Captain Grif, we have a visual
on the main compound, over.
What's it look like?
Well, on a scale from one to 10...
I'd say we're pretty fucked.
Stow that kind of talk, Bitters.
Our COs put a lot of
thought into this plan,
so why don't you show a little faith?
Right, Captain Caboose?
Yes.
All right, we're almost
there. Is everyone ready?
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready.
Captain Simmons? Jensen has
something to say to you.
Uhh, yes Jensen?
I just wanted to say, that
no matter what happens,
it's been an honor working with you, sir.
Uh, thank you, lieutenant.
That is, yes, that's... Affirmative.
Over.
What the fuck was that?
What?
Did you stroke out for a second?
You sounded like Caboose.
If he's me, can I be him?
Shut up.
Look at me, I'm smart! I like
slide rulers and protractors!
Oh, I can't wait to go
do some protracting!
So I still have problems
talking to girls. Big deal!
Yeah, it is!
Especially when your squad
consists entirely of girls!
Now man up!
Oh no, this is like junior
high all over again!
What?
Why do I have to play
in the women's league?
I want to be a mathlete, dad! A mathlete!
Okay, I don't want to be Simmons anymore.
God damnit, do I have to
do everything around here?
Everybody get ready!
We're going on my mark!
Three. Two. One!
Every man for himself.
It's important that I live.
What? What's going on?
Suppressing fire.
Reinforcements on our way! Ah Grif!
Captain Caboose. No!
Don't worry, we're coming!
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Why are there so many
pedals on this thing?
(alarm ringing)
What the hell was that?
(screams) Oh, we stopped.
What is the point of
these training exercises
if you people aren't
going to work together?
But we did! We had team
names and everything!
- Grif was gold!
- Orange!
You had a plan, you were organized,
but once again you
crumbled under pressure!
Lieutenants, debrief with your COs.
Everyone else, round up all
training weapons and uniforms.
That's enough capture the flag for today.
Whoa, what the hell
are we supposed to say?
"Hey guys, sorry you still suck.
Turns out we suck too,
but at least we have something in common!"
Tell them what they need to hear.
Tell them that they can do
this, and that next time,
they will be better.
So you want us to lie to them?
No, I don't.
You wanted to talk to us, sirs?
I hope Tucker has it better than this.
Hey Felix...
You think I could have a
turn with that sniper rifle?
- Absolutely not.
Sometimes I like to take my hands
and cup them around my eyes!
Like little hand-binoculars.
Shut the fuck up, Palomo.
It doesn't look good, guys.
They've really beefed up their security.
Why? What's going on?
Well, could be that someone from up top
is coming to visit, or
it could be a response
to the weapons I stole from
this place a few weeks ago.
Gee. I wonder which one it is.
I mean, I think it's pretty
obvious it's the weapons.
Stop talking.
We're gonna have to go with plan B.
Wait, what do you mean? What's plan B?
We plant C4, we leave, and
we blow this outpost to hell.
What?
It's a standard hit and run.
I've done it a million
times, we'll be fine.
Uh, actually no, we will not be fine.
I thought you said we came
here to gather "intelligence".
That's gonna be pretty fucking difficult
when their computer system
is in about 40,000 pieces.
Okay, I get that you want
to save your friends.
I do, really,
but data retrieval is no longer an option.
Once we find out where
they're holding Wash
and the others, the New Republic
will do everything they can to save them,
but today isn't that day.
Yeah, whatever.
Now, we've only got one active-camo unit.
Tucker, that's going to you.
It's a little damaged, so
try not to run it constantly,
only when you need to disappear.
Got it.
As for the rest of you,
that's up to your captain.
Oh! Right.
Ah, here's the problem.
Rats must've chewed through the wire.
That is a military-grade,
reinforced power cable.
What kind of rats are you talkin' about?
Space rats?
Yeah, I could see that.
Oh, the back of my head!
Perfect!
Now you look just like the
rest of those assholes!
That was stupidly fortunate.
What do you mean?
I mean what if we had ended up
with two really fat bad guys?
What size are you,
Cunningham? Like a medium?
Youth extra-large, sir.
See? Whole plan, whole
plan would've been ruined!
You think just 'cause
you watch something on TV
that it's a good idea?
You don't?
Also...
Really, man? Youth extra large?
It's very slimming, sir.
Hey, what about me? Do I get a disguise?
No.
- Palomo, you're guarding
our escape route.
Oh, okay!
It's because I don't trust you.
Got it!
Honestly, if you were out in the field,
you'd probably get all of us killed.
I can totally see that,
yeah. Yeah. That'd be me.
- Alright.
Let's go to work.
Okay... just play it cool.
You really think this plan's gonna work?
I mean I know the Reds
and Blues are supposed
to be war heroes, but...
they all seem kind of dumb.
Dude, I'm invisible, not deaf.
Oh. Sorry, sir.
Okie-dokie, boys!
Everyone take your
modified sticky-detonators,
find something that looks expensive,
and strap a bomb to it.
As soon as you're done,
head back to the cave.
You sure you'll be okay in
your armor out there, sir?
Don't you worry about me, kid.
Freeze!
I am fucking awesome.
Okay, bomb. Do me a favor
and don't go off in my face.
Am I right?
Who am I talking to?
- You mean he's here?
Shit.
Yeah. Just came in from the city.
They still got the Freelancer up there?
I dunno, look it up inside.
Fuck that. I'm not gonna let
him catch me slacking off.
Wash...
- Tucker, what's your status?
Uhh... good, good.
Almost done...
- Don't move!
- What the?
- I said don't move! Turning is moving!
Alright... I want, like,
a hard drive or something.
With base locations, and classified shit,
and any info you've
got on Agent Washington
and the other guys you
kidnapped a while back!
Okay, just take it easy.
- Captain, we're almost
done. Where are you?
I'm in the lab, gimme a second.
- You're what?
Chill out, dude, I got this.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
I specifically told you not to!
Thank you, mute button.
Alright. The files are
copying over to a flash drive.
Sweet.
Haha. Look who's dumb now!
- Hey! I surrender!
No, sir, it's me! Cunningham!
Oh, right.
You turned off your
radio! Everything okay?
Yeah, sorry, I was kinda
in the middle of something.
Well we gotta go, like, now!
Right. Absolutely.
Just one more minute.
Sir, but I think the Feds are onto us!
Okay! Okay! We can go...
Now!
Oh shit.
- Cunningham, everything okay?
Jason... man, what's going on?
Guys, uh... Cunningham isn't responding!
We've been infiltrated.
- Sound the alarm.
(alarm blaring)
Oh, fuck.
God damn it! Everyone move,
we are aborting the mission.
I've detonated some of
the C4s as a distraction,
so get out now!
There's a good chance
they'll be searching for and
disarming the bombs!
Aw man.
- Hey you! Stop!
Uhh, yes?
You're a specialist, right?
- Come on man, we need your help!
Oh right.
Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck!
- Tucker!
- Jesus dude!
Are you okay? What happened?
No, I mean, yes I'm fine!
Where's Felix and Rogers?
Here!
Oh.
You can disarm this, right?
I uh, no I-
What do you mean "no"? This is your job!
Right! No, I know! Uh. I know.
- Intruder!
Right.
Talk to me people, where's Rogers?
- Not here!
Cunningham?
Locus got him.
Locus is here?
Run!
- What about Rogers?
- Get down!
- No! Wait!
Aw, son of a-
Boom! Huge explosion,
you wouldn't believe it!
He just shook it off, though,
like it was nothing and
he comes right at us!
Ooh.
He cuts our rocket launcher in half,
so Tucker goes in for a stab,
but nothing's working, that's
when I knew what to do.
I throw myself on top of him,
taking him completely by surprise!
But he has the strength of 10 men!
No, 10 bears!
- Dude, bears are strong...
This guy's invincible!
It looked like nothing
was going to stop him!
What did you do?
Huh? Oh, we tied a car to
him and threw it off a cliff.
- That is the most metal
thing I have ever heard.
So the moral of the story is:
you never know when random,
seemingly unimportant stuff
will turn out to be very important.
Which is why you shouldn't
question me when I tell you
to build me something like a
hammock, or a human slingshot.
- Grif, what are you doing?
Just telling these guys
how we took down the Meta.
Why?
Is it true, Simmons?
Did he really growl like
some sort of monster?
Did he really have the
strength of 10 bears?
I more like... you know, 20 bears?
- Wow!
- So hot.
That is why.
You're spending way too
much time with Tucker.
Grif, Simmons, and Caboose.
Report to my office immediately.
Well guys, looks like that's
it for today. Run along.
- Aww.
- I liked the part with the bears.
- Tucker!
- If you hug me, I will shoot you.
It's okay Tucker, I know
you're more into groping.
Come on, let's grope!
- When'd you get back?
A little while ago.
What happened?
Oh, I'll tell you what happened.
Captain Tucker here
decided to disobey orders
and took it upon himself to recover
a hard drive full of
Federal Army secrets...
A decision that only cost him
the lives of two of his men.
That's a pretty damn good
trade if I do say so myself!
- What?
Man, you should've seen this guy!
He was all, "I don't play by the rules!"
Fuckin' James Bondin' and
shit all over the the place,
it was crazy!
Wait, I thought you were pissed!
Oh, do not get me wrong!
I wanted to beat your worthless skull
into the ground until it was paste,
but look where we are now!
You took a risk, and it paid off!
Paid off? Dude, two of our guys are dead!
And two more will probably die tomorrow.
Seriously, what don't you
people get about that?
- That's enough, Felix.
Just sayin'.
Tucker...
Your choice cost two men their lives,
but it also granted us access
to valuable information.
Whether or not it was the right
thing to do is a conclusion
you'll have to come to on your own.
I'll leave it at that.
Right now, the six of
us need to have a talk.
Could it not be as depressing
as the talk we're having right now?
I know where your friends are.
- You do?
- Whoa.
- Yay! I have friends!
- When did this happen?
I kept digging through the
files Tucker brought back.
There wasn't much to go off of,
but eventually I found them.
From the looks of it, they've
been moved around a bit.
Finally! We can rescue Sarge
and everything will go back to normal!
Isn't that great, Grif?
Great is a strong word, Simmons.
I'd've gone with "tolerable".
- Don't celebrate just yet...
As I said, they've been moving
around fairly regularly,
and from the looks of things
that isn't going to stop.
Right now, they're held up in a compound
just north of a nearby mountain range...
but in about a week,
it sounds like they'll be
transferred to the Capital...
a place that is very,
very out of our reach.
So, then we go get them now!
Is that, that's a thing we can do, right?
The compound she's talking
about is twice the size
of the one Tucker and I raided.
Breaking in would be suicide,
breaking someone out would be...
like suicide, and a
bunch of puppies dying.
- How do you know?
Because I've tried.
And uh, spoiler alert, it didn't go well!
Are the puppies okay?
Kimball, please, talk some
sense into these guys.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, can we
get back to the puppies?
When I first heard about you four,
I envisioned strong, daring,
respectable soldiers.
- But?
But now that I've come to know you...
I've found that you're
something else entirely.
It turns out you're all a bunch of...
- Cowards.
- Losers.
- Idiots?
- Spacemen.
Misfits. You're oddballs
that don't exactly fit in...
Which is why my men all look up to you,
and why morale has been
at an all-time high.
Because they can relate to you.
Because together, we're an
army of underdogs and outcasts.
But as of right now,
I cannot authorize a rescue
mission of this scale.
Interestingly enough, you work
well when you fight together,
but individually you still haven't shown
what it takes to lead others.
Which is why I'm giving you five days.
Five days to assemble a smaller team.
One comprised of the best
of each of your platoons.
And if you can convince
me that you're ready
by the end of those five days...
then you will have my support.
- Five days?
- That's not really a lot of time.
Well, it's all you've got.
Yeah. Um, if this is really happening,
I'd like to be paid in advance.
Five days? Five fucking days?
My naps take longer than five days.
And President's Day is Monday!
So we can't expect people
to come in on a holiday,
because that would be
time and a half, and-
oh my god, that would
be five and a half days!
Take may advice, gentlemen.
Live to fight another day.
I think I liked you better
when you thought we were super soldiers.
- Hey, what's up with that?
This is a plasma rifle.
Part of my cut from the hit and run.
- Your cut?
- You think these guys have
any money lying around?
Yeah, right.
They pay me in old, alien tech.
The whole reason Chorus
was chosen for colonization
was because it showed promising signs
of extraterrestrial artifacts.
Turns out the UNSC was right,
too bad they abandoned the place.
But hey! Their loss is my very
shiny, very valuable gain!
Wait, why steal weapons and ammo
when we could just use
this space-laser shit?
Because they don't work,
genius. They're busted.
But I'm willing to bet someone
out there would be happy
to pay a very large sum
of money for these babies.
Wait, I'm sorry, I'm confused,
are they babies or lasers?
Or laser babies?
While we're talking business,
if you guys are serious
about rescuing your friends
by the end of the week,
I could always be persuaded to increase
my level of assistance for
a one-time fee, of course!
Maybe something along the
lines of an alien energy sword?
Eh? Any takers?
Tucker?
I don't think so.
If you like the New Republic so much,
how come you still charge
them for your help?
Because when I retire,
I want a television the
size of a billboard.
Well, that's gonna be bad for your eyes.
I'm just saying you could
always help us out for free.
You know, mix it up a little?
Ah, okay, so you want me to help you
rescue your friends because?
What, it's the right thing to do?
Yeah. It's called "not being a dick."
You know, if I recall,
the first time these people
ever asked you for help,
you turned them down.
Figured this whole "civil war"
thing wasn't your problem.
In fact, I bet if your friends
had never been captured,
you'd still refuse to lend them a hand,
even if it was the "right thing to do".
- Everyone has their price.
I learned that a long time
ago. And you're no exception.
I just think that-If you
would just reconsider, sir.
I mean, I've followed
your order from day one!
With like, the burritos, and,
I'd follow you to the
end, sir, really I would!
Bitters, what do I always say?
Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
But sir!
Matthews, you are, in
fact, a total kiss-ass.
And nobody likes that.
Bitters, do you like that?
Nope.
Bitters doesn't like that.
Because Bitters here is a maverick.
A loose-cannon... And
people love loose cannons.
I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself,
isn't that right Bitters?
Actually, I'm starting to
think you're just kind of lazy.
You see that? Total loose cannon response.
I respect that, Bitters.
(sighs) Whatever.
So as much as it pains me, inside
I'm afraid I must deny your request
to join our elite team, Matthews.
Very well, sir. I understand.
Even in defeat, he's still a kiss-ass.
- Grif, hurry up!
Speaking of which...
Hello! Welcome, everyone!
Thank you for joining us here.
Why don't we just all go down the line
and introduce ourselves?
Um, hi, yes. My name
is Michael J. Caboose.
- Hi, Michael.
No, I meant the recruits!
Why would we need to introduce ourselves?
They already know us!
- Yes, but do they know the real us?
What does that even mean?
- That's a very interesting
question, Tucker.
Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?
Ugh. Just state your name.
- And tell us a fun fact about yourself!
- Really?
Permission to speak, sir?
Uh go for it.
Thank you sir! Lieutenant Jon-
Hey, G.I. Joe, could you drop the act?
We don't have all day.
Oh uh, very good sir. My
friends call me Smith.
I've served the New Republic
faithfully for several years,
and I believe Captain Caboose
is one of the wisest individuals
I have ever had the
pleasure of meeting, sir.
Great, another kiss-ass.
You mean our Caboose?
Yes, sir.
- This one right here?
- Correct.
The blue one?
Okay, moving on. Next!
Hello everyone! I'm Katie Jensen.
I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh.
Should we do something?
Sorry. Choked on my own spit.
Simmons, what the fuck is this?
It was either her
or the really hot one
that plays volleyball.
Then what the fuck is this?
She makes me less nervous,
okay? Leave me alone!
- Next?
I'm Bitters. My fun fact
is I don't have a fun fact.
Total. Maverick.
And last but not least!
Private Palomo, slayer of
women, wooer of evil. Wait...
Is that your fun fact?
Oh, uh, I'm the only surviving
member of Green Team!
Suck on that!
I fucking hate you, Palomo.
Alright!
As you've all been informed,
this team has come together
for the sole purpose of
rescuing the remaining survivors
of a UNSC shipwreck from
several months back.
We all know them as Donut,
Agent Washington, and Sarge.
And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.
And maybe an adorable
robot named Freckles!
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
The point is, we've only got
five days to train you guys,
so we're getting started
now. Any questions?
Who is leading this team?
I am.
- Uh, what?
Well, I'm obviously the one
who should be leading us.
I'm the most logical of the group!
Bullshit!
I'm the one who set up
this entire meeting!
Yeah, and this meeting blows dicks.
Wait, why do you want to be the leader?
Well, I'm really starting to get used
to all this praise and pampering,
and I don't want to risk losing
it all to one of you jerks.
- I can always praise and pamper you, sir!
God damnit, Matthews, what
did we just talk about?
Well I think there's an
easy way to settle this.
Raise your hand if you were the leader
of a team any time
before joining this army.
- Oh whatever, that was a fluke.
Yeah, and I forgot to raise my hand.
Hey, if you're looking for experience,
so far I'm the only one who's
been on an actual mission.
Two people died...
Excuse me, sirs?
We could always vote.
My fellow soldiers, if you
elect me as your leader,
you're not just voting for a kind,
well-mannered leader,
you're voting for victory!
I've overseen countless skirmishes
and calculated my opponents' every move,
and although some people may
not count Dungeons and Dragons
as an acceptable example
of military expertise,
I beg to differ.
A vote for Dick Simmons
is a vote for America!
But we're not in America.
Fuck.
And I will put kool-aid in
all the water fountains!
And we won't have to
wear uniforms anymore!
And Principal Kimball will
allow us double recess!
Caboose, you're not running
for class president!
No, don't you see?
We won't need uniforms anymore,
because the war will finally be over!
Kimball will send us out into the world,
and we'll never have to
raise another gun ever again.
My god, he has such a way with words.
Is this guy for real?
Wait, what about the kool-aid
in the water fountains?
Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.
- Dibs.
- What?
I call dibs on the team. Dibs.
You can't call dibs on the team.
- You sure?
- Grif!
Alright, whatever!
I didn't wanna be leader anyway.
Sup guys? Tucker here.
Uh speech speech.
Oh! So, I've always said that
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Lookin' at you, Jensen.
Me?
Yeah, tell your volleyball
friend I said that. Anyways-
- Please, God.
Tell me you guys haven't
been standing around
talking all morning.
Alright, look, you want the truth?
I don't want to be your leader.
Being a leader totally sucks.
It's hard work and you have to
put up with people you hate.
But I want to get my friends back,
and seeing as that's our mission,
I will deal with whatever bullshit
I have to do to make it happen.
And if I was holding a mic,
this would be the part where I drop it.
I vote for Tucker.
Yeah, I vote for Tucker.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Congratulations, Tucker. You
got the job that you hate.
Yeah! Great! Yay, happy for you!
So did you guys want to
start training at some point,
or, sorry, would you prefer
to keep dicking around?
Because by all means,
I could watch this train wreck all day.
Really, it's like the Hindenburg
footage. You ever see that?
Just absolutely breathtaking.
Until you realize everyone's screwed.
- Eureka!
- Is it working?
Hello? Can you hear me?
- Yes! Jesus! What's
the point of this again?
This is going to make
you all better fighters!
Tell 'em, Simmons.
Jensen and I have
installed capture software
into all of our helmets,
allowing us to transmit what
we see on the battlefield
to a local server.
Wait, do they only
record on the battlefield
or are they recording all the time?
All the time, duh!
Eh, I dunno how I feel about that.
Dude, it's fine.
But what if it records me
doing something embarrassing?
Like looking at Jensen's
butt or something?
Excuse me?
Just don't look at Jensen's butt, Palomo.
Well now I'm way more aware
of her butt than usual
and it's throwing me off!
- Palomo!
- Yeah, I'm just gonna
look at the ceiling.
I still don't get how this
is supposed to make us any better.
It's like this. Sometimes
you're with a lady, right?
And she wants to spice things up,
so you're like "Boom. Video camera."
And she's into it, so then
you're like "Aww yea".
But then what's even better
is that later, you can go back
and look at those tapes
and figure out what was really working,
and what you can do better!
So it's like football coaches
reviewing clips of past games.
Sure, I mean, if you're
into football coaches
and that works better for you, I guess.
No judgements.
Alright, we're good to go.
You set up the training weapons?
I told someone else to set
up the training weapons.
- You'd make a great manager.
- I've said it for years.
Sorry, I meant terrible.
You'd make a terrible manager.
Whatever.
You say tomato, I order a
subordinate to say tomatoh.
Okay, so our mission today
will be to disarm and
apprehend an enemy soldier.
Take out one guy? That's doable.
- The soldier is Felix.
Uh, what?
If we can take out the best
fighter in the New Republic,
I'd say we stand a pretty good chance
against any of those Feds.
Yeah, I don't agree to this.
You don't have to! Just
do what you'd normally do.
But know that you'll
have a giant bulls-eye
painted across your back.
Alright, fine. Bring it on tough guy.
I will!
And when we capture you,
you're gonna tell Kimball
that we're approved for the mission!
Fine!
Good!
Great!
So are you just gonna stand there, or?
No, I was sticking my
tongue out at you, but...
I guess I'm wearing a helmet so...
Shut up.
We got this.
Thanks for joining us everyone.
Private Ganoosh and I were
given the task of editing down
all of the footage from
your training session.
We took what we believed
to be some of the more
eye-opening moments from today's events
in hopes that they might help
you strategize in the future.
Like a highlight reel?
- Like a reel.
- Why don't we get started?
Hey guys! Welcome to my helmet cam.
Uh, today we're going to be
trying to take down Felix,
so let's see how it goes!
Could be bad. Could be good.
Could be in the middle!
- Who are you talking to?
Uh, the audience.
- What audience? We're
recording this for ourselves!
You're the audience!
Oh yeah. Hi me!
- Hi Palomo!
Could we skip this part?
Sure. Not like we worked
hard on this or anything.
- Huh? Huh?
- Okay, Felix is right over there.
- Bitters, hand me a flash-bang.
Oh, right. About that.
Hurry up! He's getting away!
- I don't have any.
- I told you to grab them!
Yeah, I wasn't really listening.
What?
World's worst manager.
- Let's not argue semantics, Simmons!
- That's not what that word means.
Does anybody have a fucking grenade?
- I gave mine to Caboose.
- You what?
Fire in the hole.
(people chattering)
(laughing)
- Fucking idiot.
- I could watching this for hours!
- Jesus Christ, how long is this video?
Hours. I just fucking
said it, pay attention.
Does it get any better?
Define better.
- Come on, let's go.
- Go where?
To try this again.
- This is gonna be good.
- I'll make some popcorn.
Oh god.
Feel the burn.
What if I am too good-looking?
I mean, it's possible-
No fair.
He's holding a training-gun, right?
- Yes sir.
- Well, that's good to know.
(laughing)
What a dope!
Ha! Ha-ha! Yeah, I don't get it.
- 33, 34, 35.
- 36, 37, 38, 39.
Surprise mother fucker!
(screaming)
Target sighted. Heading towards--
Achoo!
Uh anyone else have eyes on target?
- Negative.
- Uh, no.
- Yeah, I got nothin'.
(laughing)
Looking at the ceiling!
Hey, Felix!
Catch!
One Mississippi two Mississippi.
- Oh no.
- Three Mississippi, four Mississippi.
- No, no, no, no!
At what point did you think
I knew what that meant?
Ah, shit.
(laughing)
Okay, that was actually kind of funny.
Hey!
You know I have to admit,
I've never seen these
guys laugh so much before.
Why are you being so hard on us?
Come again?
All we need is a green-light from you,
and Kimball lets us save our friends.
So why the hell can't you
just lighten up for once?
Because you will die!
You know, for people
who have done so much,
you really are just a bunch
of idiots, aren't you?
That's what we said from the start!
So then why are you still
trying to be something you're not?
Felix!
Whether you go or not
is ultimately up to her,
but risking the lives of more people?
That's on you.
I thought you didn't
care about losing people.
- I don't. But you do.
We need to talk.
Can it not be as depressing
as the talk we're having right now?
- Well, I can't make any promises.
I like to come down here
when I need to think.
It's peaceful.
- It's really glowy.
That's the algae. Don't
touch it. It's radioactive.
Oh. Tranquil.
Tucker, I'd like to apologize
for Felix's behavior.
He was out of line.
- Yeah, he's kind of an asshole.
- He's just worried.
Right.
I could really feel his concern
when he dislocated my shoulder yesterday.
He puts on a tough-guy act,
but deep down I know he
cares about you guys.
Kimball, I hate to break it to you,
but the dude doesn't give
a shit about any of this.
He's just in it for the money.
- It's more complicated than that.
- Oh.
- Are you banging?
- Jesus, no!
Just saying, guy does stuff for money.
We are not banging.
So you're single?
Felix may not be fighting
for the same reasons we are,
but he has more than enough
motivation to win this war.
What do you mean?
Things weren't always this bad,
the tides have turned time and time again.
We've come so close to victory,
only to be pushed back
to the brink of defeat.
But whenever things looked their worst...
Felix was there with vehicles, or weapons,
or even just a plan of attack.
I never wanted to be a soldier,
Tucker. None of us did.
But Felix? He chose this lifestyle.
And he chose it because he's good at it.
You know, for his boss,
you really make it sound
like you need him more than he needs you.
Well, I wasn't always his boss,
he was in this fight before
I was even an officer.
What?
Tucker I am the fourth person
to lead the New Republic.
And I repeat. What?
Our first leader was killed in action.
The second was assassinated
at what we had been told
would be a peace treaty.
And the third was blown out of the sky
while trying to leave Chorus for help.
- What are you doing?
- Call me crazy, but I suddenly don't feel
as safe around you.
I guess my position does
have a pretty quick turnover.
- Okay, now you're talking my language!
Touch me and you'll sink
to the bottom of this lake.
- No touching!
- That's what I thought.
So Felix has been on the
rebels' payroll for a long time.
What makes you think he
won't just up and leave
whenever he's made enough money?
I know I would!
I mean if I wasn't so
invested in your cause.
Like I said, Felix has
more than enough motivation
to win this war.
The thing that keeps him fighting?
It's the same thing that's
kept us from victory
for so long, it's what took your friends.
It's Locus.
What?
- Men! Front and center on the double!
Something wrong, sir?
Oh, you'd better believe
something's wrong, Private Smith!
- Wait, I thought we were Lieutenants.
- I'm a private!
Lieutenant, private, whatever!
Just listen to your captain!
I thought Tucker was our captain.
No, Tucker's our leader. I
think Grif's still a captain.
Are we still lieutenants?
- I don't see why not.
- Is this the line for the bathroom?
Listen to your captain!
- Okay, I'll bite. What's going on?
We have had a major breach
in security, Simmons!
A major fucking breach!
- We have?
Someone from this squad has
stolen from my very secret,
and very personal food stash!
Oh right. God help us if you
only had nine meals a day.
Oh, this wasn't just petty
theft, Simmons, this was murder!
I didn't do it!
Now we all agreed that it
was the tank's fault... What?
A Little Debbie Jelly Cream Pie
I'd been saving for emergencies
is now missing and presumed eaten!
No! I don't believe it!
Neither can I!
You've knowingly had
food within arm's reach
and haven't eaten it yet?
I have been hiding it since
basic training, Simmons!
Wait but that would mean it was years old.
How many years?
Let's not get into specifics.
Let's just say it's old.
- And still so young...
That's disgusting.
I know. But we're about to
find the sick son of a bitch.
Don't you worry about that.
Yeah, he's probably got indigestion.
And even though we all blame the tank,
kinda feel like Church
had a little something to do with it too.
You see, only one man in this squad
knew about my food locker...
he'd seen it after every training mission
I gave him while he was in my squad.
After every single raid on the mess hall,
he reported back to me...
and I thought I could trust him...
but it turns out I was wrong.
Isn't that right, Bitters?
Well? What do you have
to say for yourself?
- I think my stomach is dying.
Damnit, Bitters, I thought you were cool!
But it turns out you're
nothing but a lazy,
good for nothing, dirtbag!
- Hey, leave him alone!
Shut it Simmons!
Simmons?
Oh. Wait. I mean.
- Grif, you're starting
to sound like Sarge.
What the? Simmons? What's happening to me?
I think you're having a mental breakdown!
Yeah, those are my favorite kind.
Being thrust into a position of power
must be putting too much
stress on your brain!
Now it's defaulting to what
you subconsciously perceive
to be the symbol of leadership! Sarge!
That's not true! That's impossible!
- No!
- Do you guys have any idea
what's going on on here?
- Not in the slightest.
- I think I'm gonna vomit.
- Oh god, I'm gonna hurl!
- Gross!
- Don't let me drown in my helmet!
What does Locus have
to do with any of this?
When the Federal Army heard we had hired
a mercenary to help our side,
they decided to do the same...
but they didn't just
find any contract killer,
they found Felix's oldest rival.
His ex-partner, Locus.
So you're telling me
Felix used to be friends
with that psycho?
Not exactly.
They fought together in the
Great War and their squad
saw one of the worst
battles in UNSC history.
Felix and Locus never got along,
they fought over everything,
but considering what they were up against,
they banded together, and they survived.
But surviving isn't always enough.
When the war was over, many
soldiers had a difficult time
returning to civilian life
and some of them weren't
able to return at all.
Felix and Locus were always competitive,
but when Locus signed up with the Feds,
I think Felix took it
as a final challenge.
- Final challenge?
Locus knew that his mission
would mean killing his former ally.
But he took it anyway.
Either the money was just too
good, or Locus wanted to know,
once and for all, which
of them was better.
We all have our reasons
for fighting, Tucker,
and I know that yours are your friends.
Your five days are almost
up and I don't know
when we're going to get
another chance like this.
You know, I think I respond better
to positive reinforcement.
I'm just saying you should make the most
out of the time you have left.
Your squad may be improving slowly,
but they're improving nonetheless.
You just need to keep trying.
Right, because that's
been working so well.
Feel free to come by my office
if you ever need anything, Tucker.
Fun's over, Tucker's back.
Tucker! Tucker come
here, tell me I'm cool!
Tell me I'm lazy and I
don't play by the rules!
- What?
- I don't want a southern accent.
- Y'ar! Drop and give me booty!
- We're dealing with some issues.
Well hurry up and get over it.
I need you guys to meet me
at the bunks in minutes.
Why? What's going on?
We're leaving.
What do you mean "leaving"?
Where are we going?
Ooh! Is it the park?
Oh, I know! It's the beach!
Wait a minute, you're not
taking me to the vet, are you?
No.
We're going to break into that compound
and bust out our friends.
But we still have some time
left to train the squad.
Why would we leave now?
Because the squad's not coming with us.
Are they going in a separate car?
- No.
- Ah, so they're flying.
I have an extra bag to check,
is that going to be a problem?
Because-
No, Caboose, we're going
on this mission alone!
- Alone with the squad. Got it.
- Why would we do that?
I dunno if you guys have noticed,
but our super-elite team sucks.
There's no way they'll be able
to pull off a rescue mission.
We don't know that! Kimball
could still pass us!
I'm not talking about passing,
I'm talking about our trainees blowing up,
or getting shot, or
disintegrated or something!
Oh. Yeah, that's a problem.
Look, Felix was right...
We're just gonna end up
getting more people killed.
So, you're saying that we should
just get ourselves killed instead.
Hey, we've done crazier things than this!
Remember that time we fought, like,
a bajillion hundred robots?
We didn't fuck that up!
We had Church.
Okay, well what about CT? Or the Meta?
We got lucky!
Bullshit.
Now maybe we can't teach a
bunch of people how to fight,
but the four of us can
totally pull this off.
We're not gonna get
another chance like this.
We just gotta go in and get our guys back.
After that, Wash will know what to do.
But even Felix couldn't
break into this place!
We're not Felix! Felix is smart.
The Feds won't be expecting dumb.
- Hey, who are you calling dumb?
- Shut up.
No, Simmons, I was asking
for some clarification.
I'm a little lost.
Look, we keep trying to strategize,
and use code names, and
act like real soldiers,
but we're not!
We haven't been from the beginning,
so why are we trying now?
I say we just get in there
and do what we do best!
Uh, which is?
I have no idea!
But whatever it is, it's
worked for us before.
That's your plan? We
just show up and wing it?
- That's the worst plan I've ever!
- Alright. Let's do it.
What? Grif? You want to do this?
Yeah. So what?
So what? You never want
to do anything ever!
Simmons, I've been following
orders I never liked for years.
No you haven't. You disobey
orders all the time!
Well I don't want to be the guy
that gives shitty orders
nobody wants to follow!
I will not become a Sarge, damnit!
There's no way I'm making
a bunch of stupid rebels
get shot for something I want.
So yeah, whatever, let's just do it.
That's the most selfless
thing you've ever said.
- But I wanna steal
more food before we go.
- Okay, that's more like it.
Yay mission!
- Simmons?
- How are we getting there?
Haha, yes! Okay I snuck
into Kimball's office
and grabbed all the data
I took from the Feds' lab.
We've got a map that will
lead us straight to them.
All we need is a ride.
- Vehicle bay's got plenty
of warthogs, I guess.
- And I can drive a tank!
- No!
- Well, you're all just jealous.
Wait, what about the rebels?
I don't think they'll be happy
with us just leaving like this.
Hey Matthews, have you seen
the Reds and Blues around?
We can't find 'em.
No but that might explain why
two of our jeeps are missing.
- Hello everyone.
If you're listening to this,
it means we're already gone.
- Look, it's not you, it's us.
- Tell them not to leave the lights on!
- Caboose! Not now!
- I miss you already!
I promise we'll call!
Damnit, Tucker.
- They just left us?
- Who left us?
Oh, no.
Okay, the ability to fly north.
- Ehh, I dunno.
- What do you mean?
That's a great terrible super power!
Yeah, but you can still fly.
You can only fly north!
It's so inconvenient!
Once you land, you've got to walk
to wherever you were going!
I guess so.
Okay, what about the ability
to teleport one foot at a time?
Meh.
You're meh. This road trip sucks.
Hello? Anybody home?
We've got some cars that need fuel!
We would also like to
purchase some lottery tickets!
Yeah, I know the odds, but
I still think it's fun.
- This place looks deserted.
- Woohoo! Let's loot!
I've always wanted my own slurpie machine.
- Oh dude, let me know if
they've got any magazines.
- Me too! Ones with pictures!
- Specifically ones with
pictures. Ya know what I'm sayin.
What was that?
Maybe it's the owners?
Aw man.
Can't we just pretend they're
not here and loot anyway?
Hey Caboose, go tell 'em
they've got customers.
You guys start filling up the cars.
- Do it yourself. I'm gonna take a leak.
Alright, but be sure to
get my lottery ticket.
My numbers are five,
seven, don't forget them.
I know I said a bunch of inspirational
crap back at the base,
but it's times like these
when I really wonder how
we haven't been killed yet.
You know?
The power to turn into the Hulk,
but only when you're asleep.
Hello? Just here to use the bathroom!
Also, somebody emptied
out your slurpie machine!
Might wanna get that filled!
Man, what kind of gas station
doesn't have hot dogs?
Ugh! Jesus! It smells like
somebody died in here!
Ba da da da, da ba, ba-da-da-da.
Da ba da ba da ba da ba.
- May arrive without warning.
- Do not disappoint me.
- Understood, Control.
Oh! I think I hear the
sound of new friends...
Hello-
Tucker! Perfect!
You can help me and my friends
come up with a secret high-five!
- So what's the word?
Control says to give it 30 more minutes.
- Ugh! This is a waste of time.
- Agreed.
- Who are these guys?
- Definitely not the
gas station attendants.
- Wow, Tucker. I can really
see why you're the leader.
- Up yours.
Quiet, I can't hear what they're saying.
You know what they say, orders are orders.
- Jackson.
- Yes Locus.
- Change of plans. Report
back to base immediately.
The Reds and Blues will
be requiring an escort.
Understood.
You heard him. Grab the
gear and prep for evac.
Where are they going?
Tucker wait!
They just vanished.
- Vanished?
- They said something
about Reds and Blues.
Oh my god I know those colors! They're us!
They were Feds, I heard one
of them mention "Locus".
Well they didn't look like the
typical storm-trooper guys.
You think they were special ops?
I think we should get to that
base as fast as possible.
Come on, let's go.
- Missed.
Missed.
- Missed.
- Palomo? I know when miss.
- Are you missing on purpose?
- Alright, that's it.
- Ow! Ow! It was a legitimate question.
Well, I spoke with Kimball.
Search and rescue has been denied.
- Yeah, well, good riddance.
They never cared about us anyway.
How can you say that?
They left because they
didn't want us getting hurt.
Yeah, well what do you call this?
They didn't take us to get shot,
but they sure as hell left us to die.
We don't know that, they could come back!
Their message didn't exactly specify.
- They'll come back.
I know they'll come back.
- Nice shot.
- Wasn't me.
You shouldn't be so hard on the guys.
They did what they thought was best,
can't fault 'em for that.
Still, I'm going to beat the living shit
out of those four when I find 'em.
- When you find them?
Tell Kimball I'm buying back
one of the warthogs I sold her.
But Felix, she said we weren't
allowed to go after them!
It was a direct order!
- Orders only work on soldiers.
I am a mercenary.
This is it.
According to our data,
the Federal Army base
is just on the other side of this wall.
About time!
My ass was asleep for so long
I thought it slipped into a coma.
- So we're here. Now what?
- We bust our way in!
- Anyone have any ideas?
- We could try scaling the wall.
- Eh, that's a little too
obvious. Think dumber.
- We could knock on their door.
- Too dumb.
- I was joking.
- We could knock on their door.
- I just said that!
Yeah, but you were joking.
I felt the plan deserved
more serious consideration.
How do you break into
an evil, ice fortress?
You melt it! Like evil ice cream.
Holy shit.
We melt our way in!
- Wait, what? Yes! I win!
- What.
We can't go through the wall,
and going over it is what
most people would do,
so let's just go under it!
- That's retarded.
- Exactly!
Damn. I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, ever,
seriously, but, good job, Caboose.
I'm just glad someone
appreciates my genius.
Now let's start melting!
Caboose, you're wearing a helmet.
That's not doing anything.
Okay well then fine,
how do you explain my
sudden light-headedness.
What about friction?
All the ladies tell me I light
a fire between their legs!
That's chlamydia.
Friction won't work.
It's gotta be negative
degrees Celsius out here!
That's negative degrees Fahrenheit.
- Jesus, that's cold!
- That's freezing!
- You people are idiots.
- Well say it in American next time.
- Oh! I've got it!
Stab!
Is it working?
Ah! It worked!
- Where are we?
- Hey!
- What was that noise?
- Oh shit, we're inside!
- I think bad guys are coming!
- What do we do? What do we do?
- I don't know! I didn't
think this far ahead!
Damnit, this is why
winging it is a bad idea!
No more winging it!
I swear, I heard something
just around the corner!
- Let's get out of here!
- There could be more
guards! We'll be caught!
Well, we gotta do something!
Just a few more feet and I'll be there!
Tucker!
What the?
Huh.
Well would you look at that!
Just a couple of harmless snowmen!
You guys wouldn't happen to be the ones
making all that racket now, would ya?
Well, time for some target practice!
Hurk!
But, why, Snowman?
I cannot believe that worked.
- You're welcome.
- How did you do that?
I used the same trick to hide from Sarge
all the time back in Blood Gulch.
You constructed and then hid inside of
a snowman in the middle of a hot canyon?
Hey Sarge, I found him!
It wasn't always the perfect plan.
According to our intel, there's
not much standing between
the end of this tunnel and
the detention facility.
That's awesome!
No, I mean...
There's literally nothing between us.
We'll spotted as soon
as we leave the tunnel!
I dunno. Doesn't look like
anyone's around to me.
(horn blaring)
Alright, lunch break's over.
Back to your stations, people.
- Come on, maggots. Get the
lead out, move move move!
(soldiers grunting)
Whooo! Brand new tank, comin' in!
- This will kill any intruders for sure!
- I hate my stupid mouth.
- I hate it more.
- How are we gonna sneak past that?
- We're not.
Glad to hear you're finally
making sense, Tucker!
Let's go home. Good effort, everybody!
We came, we saw, we
realized it was impossible!
No shame in that.
Can't help but realize
we haven't left yet.
We can't sneak past those guys, so instead
we're going to make as
much noise as possible.
If we can cause enough
trouble somewhere else,
we can draw them away from the prison.
What do you guys think?
Well, it fits with the "dumb ideas" theme.
I figure if we fuck up these
important looking pipes
and then haul ass,
we can make it into the building.
Ugh, we have to run?
We have to try.
Worst-case scenario, we end
up in jail with everyone else
and just wait for this whole
civil-war thing to blow over.
I think worse case
scenario is getting shot.
Or Grif getting shot and
we have to carry him.
There's only three of us.
Fuck it. Caboose, do your thing.
Time to clean the pipes!
Alert, catastrophic breach detected
in sewage pipeline sector three.
Sucks to be maintenance.
Warning. Sewage breach
detected in the barracks.
- Oh shit, my stuff!
- Oh, no no no!
- Now's our chance! Run!
- Here goes nothing!
- Let's race!
Come on guys, we've gotta save our shit!
(people chattering) ]
Jesus Christ, last
night it was Taco Night!
Yay! First place!
- Oh my god. I'm gonna die.
I hope I die.
Simmons, do something about this door!
- What do you mean?
- It's locked!
Hack the door controls or something!
What makes you think I
can just hack a door?
You're the smart one!
All you're good for is hacking things
and making me look more
handsome in comparison!
I don't have any intel!
I don't have any tools!
I can't just do it, I need time!
We don't have time, genius!
Just pretend like it's a
timed math test or something!
I don't work well under
pressure! You know that!
Oh shit.
Tucker?
Wash?
What in Sam Hell are you boys doing here?
- We came to save you!
- But we were supposed to save you.
♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪
- Cliffhanger!
I repeat, we have three survivors
in need of immediate assistance.
Make sure the docs are ready.
- He really did a number on 'em this time.
- Sarge?
- He's not dead, not yet.
- No.
I warned you, Agent Washington.
I gave you a choice
and you chose to fight.
I admire that decision.
Fuck you monster.
No, I'm not a monster...
I'm a soldier.
Like you.
- Well, hello, Agent Washington.
Project Freelancer?
- Agent Washington?
- Huh?
So you would say that you
have overwhelming feelings
of anger and a need for revenge?
- More than you know.
- What?
Wait, wait!
- Why did you do that?
What's wrong with you?
No, I was just.
- I was just following orders.
I was just following orders.
- You shot him!
What?
You shot him! You shot Donut!
No! I just, I did what I had to do!
Don't we all?
(gunshot fires)
- Agent Washington.
Agent Washington! Agent Washington!
- Oh! Well, that was close!
- Dirtbags!
Each and every one of 'em!
The soldiers? Dirtbags!
The medics? Dirtbags!
That good-for-nothin' mercenary
who shoots a man when
he ain't even lookin'?
You best believe he's
a numero-uno dirtbag!
And you!
You know what you are?
Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me, Sarge!
- Shut up, Donut!
- But I was gonna say dirtbag!
What? Doh, for the love of...
Now you've gone and given away the answer
to my rhetorical question!
I have an idea! Let's play the quiet game!
- Oh. It. Is. On.
Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash,
now is not the time for games!
Now is the time for action!
C'mon, help me get outta these cuffs!
There's a certain someone in this room
that I feel like bludgeoning to death.
- Just use your feet Sarge.
If he fights back, I'll
beat him off of you.
- You're not thinkin', Donut.
That would just alert more guards!
- Well if I can't beat
off a room full of dudes,
what have I been training
for this whole time?
- I would really like to
play the quiet game. Please.
- Officer on deck!
Agent Washington, Franklin Donut, Sarge.
I am so sorry!
Say what now?
Guard! Un-cuff these men at once!
And return their weaponry for god's sake!
- Yes sir!
Really sorry about this, sir.
I'd appreciate it if you decided
not to bludgeon me to death.
- Uhh I suppose I could
settle for near-death.
Goodbye handcuffs!
Aw wait, I didn't even
get to use my safe word.
It's "chrysanthemum."
- Okay, wait stop. Stop!
What is it, Agent Washington?
What is it? What is it?
First you send men to kill us,
then you send men to capture
us, and now that we're here
you're giving us guns
and saying you're sorry?
Um is that a problem?
- Only for you if you don't-
- Oh dear!
What a weenie.
I don't understand. None
of this makes any sense.
- Now just take it easy
for the rest of the day.
Remember, you're no good to
me dead, although I suppose
I could run some experiments on your body.
Erm, thank you, Emily. Your
help is always appreciated.
Anytime, General Doyle!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have limbs to amputate!
Of course.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have nothing
but apologies for you today!
Must be the thin air up here!
I've been doing a lot of traveling lately
and my body is still adjusting to the-
- Doyle, right?
Oh. Well, yes! Very observant!
General Donald Doyle of
the Federal Army of Chorus,
at your service.
- At our service?
- Full service?
Okay, General, let me
catch you up to speed
on what the past few days
have been like for me.
I've got a canyon full
of shipwrecked survivors
all trying to hail a rescue
when a squad of soldiers
all wearing your uniform
come down and attack us with their leader.
A big, black-suited, son of a bitch
who goes by the name "Locus".
Then once he leaves, I've
got another guy named Felix
telling me you and yours have
been terrorizing this planet,
and to top it all off,
that we're wanted men
for crashing on it in the first place!
So please, if you could do your best
to convince me not to
kill you this very second,
that would really benefit the both of us!
- Uh. Yeah!
Yes. I see.
None of this happened they
way that it should have.
Tell me, how much do you
know about the New Republic?
They don't try and kill us, for starters.
A noteworthy quality, yes,
but what else do you know about them?
They're rebels fighting to
overthrow a corrupt leadership.
They heard our distress call
and hoped we could help.
And you heard all of
this from a mercenary,
hired to assist them at all costs?
A bit of a biased source, don't you think?
These "rebels" aren't
looking to free this planet
their aim is to dominate it.
They were given ample
opportunities to move,
to form their own society
somewhere else on Chorus.
It is a large planet, I
can assure you, but no.
They are determined to
"take back what is theirs".
I'll admit, times were hard.
But as a planet cut off
from the rest of the galaxy,
we did our best to govern the people.
But it wasn't enough.
Suddenly buildings were exploding,
there were riots in the streets,
complete and utter panic, everywhere!
These were not acts of freedom,
they were acts of terrorism!
And we could not risk
warriors of your caliber
allying with them.
So you send your men to kill us?
Absolutely not!
I've got a few cracked
ribs that beg to differ.
And a hip bone that strongly disagrees!
Again, I must apologize.
The way this was handled was
not at all what I had wanted!
Upon hearing of your arrival on Chrous,
I ordered Locus to confirm his findings
and bring you to us as soon as possible,
unfortunately, it appears as though
I should have been more specific
in the exact method of your acquisition.
So what, this was all
your mercenary's fault?
You expect me to believe
that the general of an army
can't control his own men?
You're mistaken in
assuming I have any control
over Locus whatsoever, he
is a dog that has long since
broken from his leash, but we need him.
As I'm sure you've already observed
I am not a battle-worn soldier,
ripe with military expertise.
On the contrary, I was simply
next in line to run the army
should something happen to its leader.
What do you mean? Lieutenant
General? Major General?
Um, Personal Secretary to the Brigadier?
- What?
- Where'd all the other guys go?
Some of them left
before things took a turn
for the worst, but...
most of them were killed.
Yes, definitely they were killed.
Not many of us left,
these days, I'm afraid.
But you're supposed to be the evil empire!
With giant warships and
floating space lasers,
not camping out in the snow!
That stuff's for rebels!
And the sadly endangered polar bear.
Well, we are doing significantly
better than before!
We still have multiple bases of operation
and Locus has managed to acquire
top-notch military equipment.
He even helped to strategize
some of our more recent victories!
Though I would not consider
your rescue to be one of them.
I also wouldn't consider
it to be a "rescue".
Well I can assure you that
he was punished severely
for taking such drastic
measures against you!
I made sure he wasn't paid
a single penny for the job!
How comforting.
Gentlemen, I am fully aware
that I may never gain your trust,
but let me be perfectly
clear: We are not your enemy.
The New Republic has your
men, and I can promise you
they are likely recruiting them
into their rebellion as we speak.
Now I can inform my
troops not to attack them,
but I cannot stop them
from defending themselves.
I'm also unable to
promise you a safe escape
from Chorus in the
middle of this conflict.
Most of our ships are shot down
before they can escape the atmosphere.
So what can you promise us?
If you can help us
defeat these terrorists,
it would not only save our planet,
it would also save your comrades.
Then, once the skies are clear,
you could leave this forsaken
planet once and for all.
I don't like it, but I'm not
really seeing another way out.
Unless beating you unconscious
would somehow work.
Haha, highly doubtful.
- Drat. Then I guess I'm in.
- No man left behind, right?
- I still have one
question for you, general.
Which is?
Where are our robots?
- Alright! Fixed up and ready to go!
Bienvenidos robo-buddy!
You're back in the world of the living!
Viva, well, viva.
- No need to thank us, son.
We have got a lot of catching up to do!
Now what about Freckles?
Uh what's a Freckles?
- Agent Washington is referring
to a Mantis-Class Military Assault Droid.
And you won't find it among this wreckage.
Heh. I'll, uh, just look
somewhere else then!
- Locus.
The droid was malfunctioning.
It refused to surrender and
was therefore destroyed.
He's dead?
It was a machine. It had
no life to begin with.
You know it takes an awful lotta nerve
to come strollin' in
here after what you did.
Does my presence upset you, Sergeant?
It gives me an itchy trigger
finger, I can tell ya that.
What do you want?
Aside from my initial examination,
the men under my command
were ordered to take you alive.
All attacks were intended to wound,
all shots were designed to
intimidate, let me assure you,
my raid on your base was
calculated, choreographed,
and designed to apprehend you,
like herding sheep to the pen.
Were it not for the
intervention of the mercenary
and his forces, I would
have succeeded entirely.
And what? That's supposed
to make us feel better?
Because quite honestly it's
having the opposite effect.
It's supposed to make you understand.
- Agent Washington, I am a professional.
I follow orders and I complete
my missions at all costs.
I don't care what you think you are.
You just stay the hell
away from me and my men.
You still don't understand.
Or perhaps, you do.
- What?
- Excuse me!
If someone tells you to leave them alone,
you leave them alone.
Of course, Doctor.
Here.
- What is this?
- Before your droid was
dismantled, I had a technician
remove its primary storage unit.
Its heart and mind so to speak.
- Is this supposed to
be some sort of apology?
- Is it?
This guy doesn't make any sense.
I am not.
You give meaning to meaningless objects
and meaningless people,
then risk your own lives to protect them.
Where is the sense in that?
I look forward to your answer, soldier.
Sorry about that.
I promise the rest of us
aren't like him. I'm Dr. Grey.
- Oooh! A doctor!
That's like a medic who saves people!
- You a civilian, little lady?
Civilian?
(laughing)
Oh, I don't think you realize
how bad this planet's gotten!
The only people
who aren't wearing armor
these days are dead!
I know you, your voice.
Is that so? Oh!
Well, I performed surgery on you
after they brought you here!
Sorry if you find a few new scars.
A shot from a concussion
rifle isn't bad, but a severe
injury to the back of the
skull can be a little tricky,
especially when your head's
already filled with pretty
little wires and chips!
Hope I didn't damage
those neural implants.
I'm sure they're fine. Thank you.
You can thank me by ending
this war as soon as possible!
Bullet wounds and prosthetic
limbs have become so boring.
So, come by my office tomorrow
morning for a check up!
Once you're cleared, you
three'll be shipping off.
- Shipping off?
- Where are we going?
I don't give people orders, boys,
I just fix them when they break!
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back.
Tomorrow morning. My office 0800.
Well, what do you fellas think?
I think she's nice.
Not the doc, Donut! The army!
The general! The whole dealio!
Grif and Simmons are out
there with the Blues!
Alone, confused!
Probably eating and
complaining and back-talking-
God damnit Grif, just shut up already!
We do what we have to and
go along with it for now.
I just hope the others aren't
in too deep without us.
Okay, hold up.
You're telling me the
Feds are just as hopeless
as the New Republic? I
thought they were evil!
Well we thought you were being
brainwashed by terrorists!
Terrorists? Our soldiers are
a bunch of harmless morons.
Your soldiers?
We were all promoted to Captains.
They gave us squads and everything!
- Blue Team for life.
Clearly our enemy isn't as
cunning as we once thought.
We don't have an enemy.
As far as I can tell, both of these forces
have reasons to fight,
and neither are particularly guilt-free.
We've just been caught in the middle.
But the rebels aren't bad.
Some of them are our friends!
And we managed to make a few
allies within the Federal Army.
None of this makes either side any better.
The New Republic started this war
with extremist attacks on the capital.
Only because the government
was screwing them!
- You gotta admit, sounds
kind of like a dick move.
We need to get these two
sides to talk to one another.
Doyle's in the capital at the moment,
but maybe he can get this Kimball woman
to agree to a meeting.
If they can come to some
sort of understanding,
we might be able to end
this thing and go home.
This isn't right.
Believe me, there's plenty
wrong with this situation,
but I think this is our best move...
I'm just glad you guys made it.
No seriously, I mean
something doesn't feel right.
I just can't figure out what it is.
Is it a false sense of superiority?
That's probably a side-effect
of the false promotion.
Minutes after reuniting and
you're already starting shit.
What did you expect? Breakfast in bed?
- I hate you.
- I hate you more.
Wait do you hear that?
Uhh no?
You okay, Simmons?
What happened to the alarms?
Is it lunch time again?
- Hello?
Dr. Gray?
Anybody?
Dude, what's going on?
I don't know.
- Enemy contact! Fall back!
- Where'd he go?
- Sarge!
- Way ahead of ya!
- What's happening?
- We're under attack!
Donut! Establish a perimeter!
Got it!
Hey, just so you guys know,
you better not come over here!
Thank god! Sir, you've gotta help us!
They came out of nowhere!
Who, the rebels?
No!
Oh, good.
'Cause we kinda just found out
they're not really all that bad.
Boy, have we got a story to tell you!
And you are gonna laugh!
It's not the rebels, sir! It's!
- Umm.
Did everyone else see that?
You mean a man disintegrate
right in front of us?
- Yep.
- Really wish I hadn't.
Oh dear!
- We gotta do something!
- We can run! Running is something!
Get away from the car!
What are we dealing with?
- We dunno!
Well it ain't the rebels, that's for sure!
Then who the hell is it?
- Like sheep to the pen.
Oh no.
You're ready for slaughter.
Locus!
I advise you stand down, boy.
The soldiers from the fueling station?
- I thought they were Feds!
Those ain't our guys.
I told you, Agent Washington.
I am a professional.
I complete my missions at all costs.
But you and your comrades have
put a blemish on my record.
This is unacceptable.
What are you talking about?
You just killed the
men you're working for!
Hmmm. It appears you don't
understand after all.
Unfortunate.
You were such a fascinating soldier,
Agent Washington.
Huh?
Tucker! Grenade!
Oh, right!
That was close! Nice
throw, Tucker. (laughing)
Felix?
How many times have I jumped
in front of a bullet for you, Wash? Three?
Those are some pretty great reflexes, huh?
Most people would have to
plan that sort of thing.
Felix? What are you doing?
Just helping out an old acquaintance.
- They fought together in the great war...
You missed a spot.
Are you done?
Not even close.
- Dude!
- This doesn't make sense!
That's Locus! Your enemy!
Right, and I'm the charismatic mercenary
with a gruff exterior but a heart of gold!
A little too romantic, don't you think?
But the guy fucking shot you!
Ah! Son of a bitch!
Yeah, funny how an act
of sacrifice like that
buys you so much trust.
And so much information.
Weren't you with another
Freelancer? And an A.I.?
I need a detailed list of the
supplies you've got on hand.
You wouldn't happen to
have any hight-tech armor
aboard that wreck, would ya?
But you're supposed to hate each other!
Oh, we do.
After all, you should never
mix friends with business.
Wrap it up.
But we just work so well together.
- Run!
- What about Rogers?
Get down!
You dirty liar!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never
actually lied to you idiots.
Well, except for once.
"You're some of the
galaxy's greatest soldiers!"
Now that couldn't be
farther from the truth.
But you know, it did make
you the perfect candidates
to lead the people of Chorus.
Stop boasting and let me kill
them. We have a job to do.
Ooh, that's right. He
doesn't like you guys.
Actually thinks there might
be a few fighters among ya!
Told you he's crazy.
But why? Why the capture?
Why make us part of this war?
Well you see-
Felix.
No. I've had to put up with
these morons every day,
so you let me have this!
You see, someone,
somewhere, out in our galaxy
has their eyes set on this
planet, the only problem
is the inhabitants.
Now if it were up to me,
I'd just nuke this place from orbit,
but our employer has other ideas.
Holy shit, it's actually them.
Back off. Control wants them alive.
Oh no....
We have to play this thing
carefully, you understand?
If an entire planet dies
overnight, people ask questions.
But if you stumble onto this rock
and find that the settlers
killed each other...
Well, that's just a tragedy.
Our first leader was killed in action.
The second was assassinated
at what we had been told
would be a peace treaty.
And the third was blown out
of the sky while trying to
leave Chorus for help.
It was you. You started this war!
Wrong!
These people hated each other
way before our operation ever showed up.
We just had to keep
the hate-train a'going,
and lemme tell ya, you
guys have helped so much.
Does it hurt?
Knowing just how much death
you've brought to this planet?
Enough!
How many times must I tell you?
If you want to make the victim suffer,
you do it quickly and efficiently.
There will be no rescue for you.
You, you will die here,
today, along with the rest.
No one will find your bodies,
no one will know the truth,
and no one is going to stop
us from killing every last
person on this planet.
- Alright.
That's all I need to hear.
Kill them!
Who the fuck are you?
What is going on?
Just grab it and shoot!
Wash?
You think you're fast?
AH, what the fuck?
- Faster than you.
- Let's change that!
(shouts)
Locus!
Stay close!
Wait! Stop!
Call Control.
Uh, what just happened
and why did it hurt?
- Where am I?
- I think my insides were
just outside.
- Is everyone okay?
- You know,
I never thought I'd be so
glad to see you idiots again.
- Carolina?
- That's not all!
Miss me, assholes?
You fuck!
Huh. Wasn't expecting that.
(gentle music)
♪ In love in need ♪
♪ In want in miss ♪
♪ I taste your bite ♪
♪ I taste your kiss ♪
♪ And I think back ♪
♪ The things you said ♪
♪ They make me mad ♪
♪ A bull to red ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪
♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪
♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis by myself ♪
♪ On a Sunday ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis again ♪
♪ On a Monday ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ I buy your brand ♪
♪ I smoke your brand ♪
♪ I count the what-ifs on one hand ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪
♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪
♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis alone ♪
♪ Sunday morning ♪
♪ Drinking Martinis again ♪
♪ Sunday evening ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ It's a half life, it's a half life ♪
♪ And I wonder where you are ♪