Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 11, Episode 1 - Red vs. Blue: Volume 11 - full transcript
For over a decade, the hapless, helpless and occasionally hopeless anti-heroes of the Halo universe have fumbled their way from one adventure to another.
(calm music)
It's been a while since
I've done one of these,
so let's get caught up to speed.
Everything can be traced
back to Project Freelancer,
a military organization
gone horribly wrong.
The men in charge were corrupt,
and the soldiers who
followed them were blind.
Guess which side I was on?
Eventually it was the
project's own creations
that tore it to pieces,
and I was the one sent
out to pick them up.
I recovered weapons,
armor, and A.I. fragments
all in an effort to keep the wrong people
from getting them first,
but I was too slow.
Everyone fought over the
remnants of Project Freelancer.
I didn't think I could
believe in anyone anymore.
But then,
I met the Reds and Blues.
- [Sarge] Hey Caboose!
- [Caboose] Hello.
- [Sarge] We've got a proposition for ya.
- [Caboose] For me?
Oh, well, you shouldn't have.
- [Wash] They had been
used by the Freelancers,
just like I had.
They were cannon fodder in
a conflict with no purpose.
But more importantly...
- [Caboose] Tucker, the
Reds gave us a proposition.
We should really send them
some sort of thank you basket,
like fruit.
- [Tucker] Proposition just
means a choice you idiot.
- [Caboose] Oh.
We will take the fuzzy one.
- [Sarge] But you don't even know
what the proposition is yet.
- [Caboose] Well then we don't know
that it isn't fuzzy then do we?
- [Wash] They were just
stupid enough to trust.
Together, we were able to
put an end to everything.
The Freelancers, the A.I.,
even The Director of the whole operation.
They're all gone.
And as for us, well,
we're ship wrecked.
Crashed during our ride home,
and if we're not rescued soon,
I have a feeling something
else might find us first.
This is Agent Washington signing-
(explosion)
Oohhh, what now?
(explosions)
- [Simmons] You missed, sir.
- [Sarge] Dag nabbit!
Who in Sam Hill set
this thing to inverted?
- [Simmons] Well sir,
statistically most users enjoy...
(Sarge grumbles)
Well eh err, it was probably Grif sir.
- [Grif] Hey, what the
fuck is going on out here?
Who's firing at our base?
- [Sarge] We are!
- [Grif] You are?
- [Sarge] Our base is in
desperate need of renovations.
Figured I'd tear down the east wing
and put in something nice and decorative.
Like a mortar cannon.
- [Grif] And it didn't occur to you
to warn me before you started
blowing holes in the side of the wall?
(explosion)
Oh, come on!
- [Simmons] Direct hit, sir.
- [Sarge] No it wasn't.
- [Wash] What are you two doing?
- [Sarge] Well if it isn't our
good friend Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Don't try to butter me up.
Also, please refrain
from pointing that at me.
- [Sarge] Fine.
- [Simmons] We were
just borrowing the tank
for a little construction work.
- [Wash] Really?
And which one of my men authorized this?
It was Caboose wasn't-
- [Caboose] Probably.
(Wash sighs)
- [Wash] Sarge, get out of the tank.
- [Sarge] Not a chance, Blue.
Possession's 9/10 of the law.
And the other tenth is a tank.
I've got both.
Besides, we need it to
upgrade our quarters.
- [Wash] Your quarters are fine.
- [Grif] Yeah, now get out
of the tank you senile old-
(explosion)
Fucking son of a bitch!
- [Sarge] Finger slipped.
- [Wash] Out, now!
- [Caboose] My turn!
- [Wash] Please, be quiet.
- [Caboose] (whispers) My turn.
- [Sarge] This is an outrage!
Blue base is built directly
below the crash site.
You've got an unfair advantage.
- [Wash] Sarge, the Reds
and Blues aren't fighting.
We're just camped at
opposite ends of the canyon
in color divided teams.
While heavily armed.
- [Sarge] True.
But have you ever considered that fighting
is just in our nature?
It's almost instinctual.
If we're not constantly
trying to stab each other
in the back, we'll surely die.
- [Wash] Dear God, I hate you.
- [Sarge] That's the spirit. (chuckles)
- [Grif] We may not be fighting,
but you're still way closer to
the food stores than we are,
and that is something
I will not stand for.
- [Simmons] You won't stand
for anything, fat ass.
- [Grif] If you were a few
feet closer, you'd be sorry.
- [Wash] If we don't ration
our food we'll all be sorry.
We've yet to get our
communications dish online,
and if we run out of food
before we can radio for help,
we're screwed.
- [Grif] Buzz kill.
- [Wash] Come on, Caboose.
We need to go have a
chat with Private Tucker.
- [Simmons] There goes the
revered leader of the Blue Army.
What a dick.
- Fine, we don't need that tank anyway.
As many great 21st century
movie trailers once said.
This is only the beginning.
And then text would appear on the screen.
And the music would cut out abruptly.
And they'd say one final line of dialog
to leave the audience with the
ultimate sense of excitement!
- [Grif] Like what?
- [Sarge] I dunno.
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] Oh shit.
(tank engine rumbles)
- [Caboose] We are back.
- [Tucker] Caboose?
Christ, I thought you were in that thing.
Wait, who is in that thing?
- [Wash] Hello, Private.
- [Tucker] Oh, shit.
- [Wash] What is the one thing
I tell you each and every morning?
- [Tucker] Wake up.
- [Wash] The other thing.
- [Tucker] For the love of God,
stop sleeping naked.
- [Wash] Don't let anyone touch the tank.
- [Tucker] (chuckles) Okay.
I can see where you're going with this.
- [Wash] Until we're rescued,
we need to be more mindful
of the supplies that we have.
- [Tucker] I know, I know ration the food,
maintain our equipment.
- [Caboose] Brush your teeth,
don't talk to strangers,
try not to shoot anyone
while they're trying to brush their teeth.
- [Wash] And always report in to me.
- [Tucker] Do we have to?
- [Wash] Yes, I even put
up that old blue team
organizational chart to
help demonstrate the point.
- [Tucker] Yeah, but we never
really listened to that.
Church just kinda shouted orders
and we'd get around to them, eventually.
Or we wouldn't, whatever.
- [Caboose] He was an
inspiration to us all.
- [Wash] Well Church and Carolina
decided to run off without
so much as a goodbye.
So it's up to me to keep us all together.
Maybe if someone hadn't
have crashed the ship,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
- [Tucker] Whoa, wait a second.
Why are you looking at
me when you say that?
- [Wash] I just have a hard time believing
that thousands of
well-trained crew members
were to blame for the incident.
- [Tucker] Well, they
definitely didn't survive it.
(Tucker laughs) Um.
- [Wash] Wow.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Wash] You proud of yourself?
- [Tucker] No.
- [Caboose] Yeah that
was, that's too soon.
Prob-probably too soon
for sound effects too.
"Meeer. Oh god help us, Kapow."
Yeah that's too soon.
(guitar strums)
- [Sarge] Absolutely unacceptable.
- [Simmons] I couldn't agree more, sir.
- [Grif] But you have no
idea what he's gonna say.
- [Simmons] Oh, right.
Yeah, just got a little excited.
- [Grif] You are the worst kind of person.
- [Sarge] Quiet morons, we've
got a situation on our hands.
- [Grif] Which is?
- [Sarge] The deplorable
condition of Red Base.
- [Grif] You're still hung up on that?
We're stranded in the middle of nowhere,
surrounded by a mysterious and
seemingly uninhabited jungle,
might I add,
and you're worried about the condition
of our makeshift fort?
- [Simmons] Besides I don't think
our base is even that bad.
- [Grif] Well, I wouldn't say that.
- [Simmons] What?
What's wrong with it?
- [Grif] Seriously?
There's an enormous hole in the roof.
Every night it rains, I
get washed into the corner.
- [Simmons] Oh, well, yeah, there's that.
But I mean, overall.
- [Sarge] And the
majority of the west wing
is made up of sand bags and rain tarps.
- [Grif] Which reminds me.
If we have rain tarps,
why aren't we using them to
cover up the hole in the roof?
- [Simmons] Listen, I think you guys
are blowing this whole thing
a little out of proportion.
- [Grif] You're just saying that
because you're the one
that designed the base.
- [Simmons] Well, I did a better job
than you would've done.
- [Sarge] That's not sayin' much.
- [Grif] I bet I could at least
do it in a better location.
- [Simmons] But this is the best location.
The sunlight is perfect for
maintaining my vegetable garden,
and the faulty engine from the ship
should keep us warm all winter.
- [Sarge] But aren't slipspace engines
extremely radioactive?
- [Grif] Well, that would explain
why my hair keeps falling out.
And why all your cabbages
have three heads.
- [Simmons] I thought I was
just really good at farming.
- [Grif] No Simmons,
you're good at other things.
Like always being on time and
maintaining your virginity.
- [Simmons] Oh yeah?
Well we'll see who's laughing
when my garden produces
a bountiful crop in the coming harvest!
- [Grif] Glad to hear
you've still got that
virginity on lockdown, buddy.
- [Tucker] 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69.
- [Wash] Tucker, you
can't keep stopping on 69.
- [Tucker] No, this time my legs went out.
- [Wash] Come on.
- [Tucker] Ohhoh, Holy Christ!
I haven't been this sore
since that bachelorette
party on Bourbon Street.
- [Wash] You want me to believe you banged
an entire bachelorette party?
- [Tucker] I want you to,
but really the groom just showed up
and cracked three of my ribs.
- [Wash] And that's what I thought.
- [Tucker] Why do we
have to train so much?
We never had to do squats
when Church was in charge.
- [Wash] Exactly.
I'd say you two have fallen out of shape,
but generally in order
to fall out of something,
you have to be in it first.
- [Tucker] Hey, that's funny.
You should try comedy, Wash.
Why make one person miserable,
when you can work over an entire room?
- [Wash] All right, time for sprints.
- [Tucker] Fuck you.
- [Wash] I want five
laps around the canyon.
- [Tucker] Die in a fire.
- [Wash] Six laps around the canyon.
- [Tucker] Hey, why
isn't Caboose down here?
Shouldn't you be making
him do dumbbell hurls
or inverted pushups or something?
- [Wash] I think he's
having one of his off days.
- [Tucker] Oh!
(guitar strums)
- [Sarge] Men, it has come to my attention
that we have been
approaching this base problem
from the wrong direction.
- [Simmons] What do you mean?
- [Sarge] I mean we've been
approaching it from the outside.
What we should have been
focusing on is the interior,
the layout is all wrong.
Upon reflection, I realized
that a man of my military expertise
requires more private quarters,
a place where I can reflect
on my vast victories.
And contemplate on my
non-existent failures.
- [Grif] Is the place called denial?
- [Sarge] Which is why I
ordered Private Grif here
to erect this new wall.
- [Simmons] Okay, I give up.
- [Grif] The sandbags.
- [Simmons] What?
That's the wall?
- [Sarge] Grif, I asked you
to give me a proper erection,
not to stiff me!
- [Simmons] So glad Donut's not here.
- [Grif] Hey, it's not like
I'm some expert carpenter or something.
- [Simmons] This isn't even carpentry.
This is stacking things
in a straight line poorly.
- [Grif] Well, it's all I could find.
So build a bridge and get over it.
- [Simmons] Hey Grif,
when I build a bridge,
should I use a few sandbags,
or you know, something fucking useful?
- [Sarge] Useful or not,
I hereby declare that
from this point forward,
this side of the wall is to be reserved
for my own personal use.
- [Simmons] Wait wait wait,
you get half of the base all to yourself?
What about me and Grif?
- [Sarge] Sorry Simmons,
afraid I can't hear you
from the next room.
These walls are just too thick!
- [Simmons] But I-
- [Sarge] Enjoy your
new roommate! (chuckles)
- [Grif] Ground rules: if
there's a sock on the door,
do not come in.
- [Simmons] We don't
have socks. or a door.
- [Grif] And I don't have
an internet connection,
but we've all gotta find
some way to masturbate,
now don't we?
(guitar strums)
- [Caboose] Sigh, groan, oh, woe is me.
Oh, I don't know what that even means.
- [Wash] Still standing
in the corner, Caboose?
- [Caboose] Oh yeah, Yeah, I just,
yeah, I just miss Church sometimes.
- [Wash] I know you do, buddy.
He was your leader for a really long time.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I am just,
I, I'm just so lost without him!
I, I don't even recognize my own face!
- [Wash] Well, you don't
have your old helmet anymore,
Caboose.
Also your helmet and face
are not the same thing.
- [Caboose] Oh, god, that
explains the blinking contest.
Why'd you have to tell me that?
Aghh, you just made it worse.
- [Wash] Look, Caboose.
I'm sure that somewhere out there,
Church is thinking about
how much he misses you, too.
- [Caboose] You really think so?
- [Epsilon] Shut up.
- [Caboose] We'll go on
adventures together,
while we ride bikes and solve crimes!
Just shut your mouth.
- [Epsilon] Shut up, shut up.
- [Caboose] And then we're
gonna go to the fair.
- [Epsilon] CABOOSE, FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE FU-
And then we're gonna finger paint.
- [Wash] Yeah.
Why don't you go for a walk?
Take a little time to clear your head.
- [Caboose] Yeah.
Yeah, I just, yeah, I'll go
on a walk by myself, I guess.
That won't be depressing at all.
Ohh, oh god.
I'm walking by myself now.
Ohhhhhh.
Ohhhhhh.
- [Wash] What am I gonna do with him?
I said sprints, Private Tucker!
- [Tucker] I'm going to
spit in your next meal!
And it's not going to be spit,
if you know what I'm talking about!
(guitar strums)
- [Caboose] Depression,
loneliness, confusion.
Slight indigestion.
Oh Church, ah, I miss you so much!
Who is supposed to be my best
friend while you are gone?
Tucker, that guy isn't
even a shade of blue!
It's like an aqua.
(metal clatters)
Hello?
Um, who's there?
Tucker is that you?
(eerie music)
Agent Washington?
Hello!
- [Echo] Hello!
- [Caboose] Oh, that was
just me, that was stupid.
(yells) Have a nice day!
- [Echo] Thanks, you too!
- [Caboose] Well, I am
a very pleasant person.
Okay, me, you can cut it out now.
This is getting a little silly.
(Caboose gasps)
Hello.
(guitar strums)
- [Wash] Tucker, in basic training,
there is a point when the drill sergeant
attempts to "break" his or her soldiers
so that they may overcome
their civilian mindset
and focus on the
responsibility and selflessness
of becoming a true soldier.
- [Tucker] Uh, bro, I went
through basic ages ago!
True soldier, standing right here!
- [Wash] What is the UNSC motto?
- [Tucker] When in doubt, rub one out.
- [Wash] I am going to
break you, Private Tucker.
- [Tucker] Ooh, I'm shaking in my armor.
- [Wash] Inside this
tunnel is an elaborate
obstacle course designed
to test both your reflexes
and your mettle.
- [Tucker] Uh, like copper?
- [Wash] No that's metal.
I said mettle.
- [Tucker] Whatever.
- [Wash] On your mark, get set...
- [Tucker] This is such-
(gun fires)
Shit, ow, okay, I'm going!
(upbeat music)
(gun fires)
Stupid fucking cones!
(barrier cracks)
Jesus Christ!
(explosion)
(guns fire)
Oh, God!
Where is this coming from?
Who are these people?
What the fuck is going on?
(Tucker pants)
(buzzer blares)
- Congratulations, Private.
That time was adequate for a beginner.
- [Tucker] I, what was? (coughs)
I don't...
- [Wash] Just an adrenaline rush Tucker.
It'll wear off.
- [Tucker] I'm, I'm...
- [Wash] Shaking in your armor?
- [Caboose] Oh boy, oh
boy, oh boy, hello, hello!
- [Wash] Caboose, glad to
see you're feeling better!
I've got a little exercise for you.
Inside this cave is an
elaborate obstacle course,
designed to...
(explosion)
(buzzer blares)
- [Caboose] Okay, that was fun!
Gotta go do stuff, don't ask questions!
Thank you, goodbye!
- [Wash] I think that's
enough training for today.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Wash] Uh, I'm gonna go
work on the Comm Tower.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
(guitar strums)
- [Simmons] Hey roomie, uh
you got a second for me?
- [Grif] Sup?
- [Simmons] Oh, you
know, not much, not much
Uh, oh, so, question for you.
- [Grif] Uh huh?
- By any chance, have
you seen my toothbrush?
- [Grif] Uh, I don't think so.
- [Simmons] Okay, okay.
Uh, you sure?
- [Grif] Yeah.
- [Simmons] Cause you know,
I'm pretty sure I saw you with it earlier.
- [Grif] Dude, you're acting weird.
- [Simmons] Hm, what?
What do you mean?
- [Grif] I mean, clearly
you're accusing me
of using your toothbrush,
but instead of just
coming out and saying it,
you're being really passive aggressive
and tiptoeing around the accusation.
- [Simmons] Huh.
- [Grif] You did the same thing
when I left the lights on.
And when I put my boots
on your side of the room.
- [Simmons] Mm-hm.
- [Grif] And I feel like
there's this constant
tension going between us,
that's inevitably going to erupt,
over what would normally be
considered a small issue.
- [Simmons] Yeah, well, you know,
I wouldn't be asking
you about my toothbrush
if I hadn't seen you with it earlier.
- [Grif] I used your toothbrush.
- [Simmons] You fuck!
- [Grif] Dude, what's wrong with you?
- [Simmons] What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with you?
You keep stacking dishes in the sink.
I don't even think you've
eaten off of some of them.
For all I know you're doing it
because you're fucking bored.
- [Grif] Wait, isn't the
sink just where dishes go?
- [Simmons] No, they go in the cupboard.
- [Grif] We have a cupboard?
- [Sarge] Hey, keep it down in there!
I'm trying to watch my stories!
- [Simmons] Sarge, please
tear down the wall.
I can't take Grif's
laziness in small spaces.
- [Sarge] I'm sorry, Simmons.
But we all have to make sacrifices.
Except for me because I'm in charge.
- [Grif] Hey, Simmons,
probably isn't the best time
to say this, but, uh,
we're out of toilet paper.
- [Simmons] What how?
- [Grif] I dunno.
(Wash clears throat)
- [Wash] I believe you
borrowed my toolbox.
- [Simmons] What do
you need a toolbox for?
- [Wash] Repairing the comm tower.
I know you three are
having fun playing house,
but I'd really rather leave this place.
- [Sarge] Playing house?
Son, this is a highly-
Whoops, forgot to use the door!
- [Wash] The toolbox?
- [Grif] Upstairs.
- [Wash] Show me.
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.
But don't touch any of my stuff.
- [Wash] Ugh, this place is a pig sty.
- [Grif] It's not a pig sty
Wash, it's a way of life.
- [Simmons] Hey Sarge, didn't we recover
an old robot building kit from the crash?
- [Sarge] Sure did,
makes a great footrest.
I like to prop my feet up
while I'm watching my stories.
- [Simmons] Well, if we were to re purpose
the robot's radio transmitter
for the Comm Tower,
we might be able to-
- [Sarge] Simmons, I'm
gonna have to stop you
before your terrible plan
becomes any more terrible.
- [Simmons] Oh.
- [Sarge] Fortunately,
I believe we may be able
to use this robot kit to
build some sort of robot!
We could put it to work
constructing a radio transmitter
and then the Comm Tower
would be fixed in no time!
- [Simmons] Well, don't you
think it would be better if-
- [Sarge] Not at all, let's build a robot!
- [Simmons] I hate them.
- [Wash] Are those my socks?
- [Grif] Yeah, but you
probably don't want those back.
- [Simmons] I hate all of them.
(guitar strums)
(tool clicks)
- [Tucker] I'm just sayin'
I feel like somebody should
have found us by now.
- [Wash] Hm.
- [Tucker] You know, it's like,
if a plane crashes and disappears,
that's fine, civilians, whatever.
- [Wash] Not sure if I
agree with you on that.
- [Tucker] But this was
a fucking spaceship.
That's like national
tragedy level important.
- [Wash] It was a big ship.
- [Tucker] And what about GPS?
The galactic positioning
system should have been able
to inform command of our location
within seconds of a Mayday.
- [Wash] How do you know that?
- [Tucker] Uh.
- [Spaceship Operator] And the
galactic positioning system
would be able to inform
command of our location
within seconds of a Mayday.
So even if the ship were to crash,
rescue would be practically immediate.
Isn't that rad?
- [Tucker] Cool, nerd stuff.
Hey, (indistinct) is it just
me or is that blonde over there
checking me out?
- [Spaceship Operator] Who, the pilot?
- [Tucker] Yeah, she's
definitely checkin' me out.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Spaceship Operator] Wait!
You can't go over there.
- [Tucker] Hey baby,
I hear you're a pilot.
Think you could pull up on my throttle?
Bow chicka bow wow.
(alarms blare)
I read it in a book.
- [Wash] I don't believe you.
Then again, I don't really care.
- [Tucker] Phew.
- [Wash] Hey.
- [Tucker] Oh-oh what? Nothing.
- [Wash] What happened
to my soldering iron?
- [Tucker] Oh, uh, I don't know.
- [Wash] Dammit, this would
be going so much faster
if I didn't have to keep
tracking down equipment
every five minutes.
- [Tucker] What, you
think the Reds took it?
- [Wash] Men, it appears
our shitty fortifications
aren't meeting my ridiculous standards!
Let's steal Washington's tank
and fire it at our walls!
That'll fix it.
Yes, I think the Reds took it.
- [Tucker] Man, why are you
so wound up all the time?
- [Wash] Because every second we're here
is another second closer to death.
Or worse.
- [Tucker] What's worse than death?
- [Wash] I dunno.
I just thought it sounded dramatic.
- [Tucker] Come on, it's not that bad.
I mean if we were back in Blood Gulch,
we'd been doing the exact
same shit, you know?
- [Wash] There's just
something about this place.
I can't help but feel
like we're being watched.
- [Tucker] Oh please.
People get that feeling all the time.
I had it for years.
- [Wash] But that's because
you were being watched!
You were monitored by
a secret organization
for every second of every day.
- [Tucker] Well, I don't feel
like I'm being watched now.
- [Wash] Thank you, I
feel much more secure.
- [Tucker] Don't be a dick.
- [Wash] Then don't be an idiot.
- [Tucker] The fuck is your problem?
- [Wash] My problem is that
you're absolutely right.
Somebody should have found us by now.
Now where the Hell is that
goddamn soldering iron?
(whistled music)
- [Caboose] Boy you're lucky I came by.
What is a little fella like
you doin' way out here?
(something cracks)
Hey, no moving.
Have to get you out of here first.
Don't worry, we're gonna be best friends.
(guitar strums)
- [Simmons] You're an idiot.
- [Grif] Am I, Simmons?
Or am I just a man who's willing
to ask the hard questions?
- [Simmons] You're definitely an idiot.
- [Sarge] You're both idiots.
Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.
- [Grif] Terminator, The
Matrix, Battlestar Galactica,
everything points to robot
domination of the human race!
- [Simmons] Well technically some Cylons
relied more on synthetic biology
and not conventional robotics,
but that was only in the series reboot.
And you know those are pretty rare.
- [Grif] Fine, then Wall-E.
It doesn't matter, I
just think it's strange
that we're not already bowing
down to our robot overlords.
- [Simmons] I'm a cyborg,
you wanna bow down to me?
- [Grif] Pass.
- [Simmons] Fuck you meatsack,
your logic is flawed.
- [Grif] You are the biggest fucking nerd.
You know that right, I
mean you really know that?
- [Simmons] You must
construct additional pylons.
Rrr-wrr-rrr.
- [Sarge] Well Optimus Prime's knuckle,
I think we're in business.
(electricity crackles)
Ladies, I would like to introduce you
to the newest addition to Red Team.
- [Simmons] Can it talk?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] You've got to be kidding!
- [Grif] Oh, come on!
- [Sarge] Huh, that is an
unfortunate coincidence.
- [Grif] Spanish.
Why is it fucking Spanish?
Why not French, or German, or Sangheili?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] (chuckles) You
know, it almost feels
like the good ol' days.
Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot,
and a couple of complete idiots.
- [Simmons] You're talking
about Grif and Donut, right?
- [Grif] Thanks, dick head.
- [Sarge] Lopez Dos-Point-O,
it's good to have you aboard.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Now get to work, slacker!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Comm tower, middle of the
canyon, Repairo, los rapido.
- [Grif] It's Spanish
Sarge, not Harry Potter.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Hm, he's not doing anything.
- [Grif] Maybe he's stupid.
- [Sarge] Robot, do you understand us?
Comprehende?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] Well, he
knows what we're saying,
so I guess he's just stupid.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Uh, poor
stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O.
Well, let's just take him
over to the comm tower.
- [Grif] Why, he's a moron?
- [Sarge] Yep, but maybe he'll end up
being like a Rainman-type moron.
We could get him one of those grey suits.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] (sighs) What a shame.
(crashing and rustling)
- [Caboose] It's alive, it's alive!
He's ali-
Aw, now it's dead.
(rustling continues)
No, it's alive again!
Oh, thank God that was close.
(soft thud)
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] Ok, how about now?
(device clicks)
- [Wash] Nothing.
- [Tucker] Hold on.
(grass rustles)
Okay, try it again.
(device clicks)
- [Wash] Still nothing.
- [Tucker] Balls.
- [Wash] Hey, what exactly
are you doing down there?
- [Tucker] Oh, you know, calibrating.
- [Wash] Calibrating.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Wash] You haven't
done anything, have you?
- [Tucker] Dude, I don't
know what I'm doing,
or why you sent me down here.
- [Wash] Right.
Guess I should've expected that.
- [Tucker] Hey Wash, I
think we've got a situation.
- [Wash] What kind of-
Oh.
- [Grif] Good to see you too.
- [Wash] What do you want?
- [Sarge] Figured it be a good idea
to come over and lend a hand.
- [Wash] No, that's a terrible idea.
Please don't touch anything.
- [Simmons] But we could
provide tech support.
- [Sarge] Have you tried
using any D batteries?
- [Wash] Power isn't our problem.
These battery arrays are solar.
- [Sarge] Well there's your problem.
This baby needs to be converted
to diesel on the pronto!
- [Wash] Solar is field standard
for communication systems.
- [Sarge] Well ooh-la-la, Private Hippy!
Hey, I got an idea;
why don't we just plant a garden in?
Grow some organic sun-dried tomatoes,
and open a farmer's market.
Then on the first Saturday of the month,
when the UNSC ships show up to buy
some fresh sustainable produce,
we just hop on board and ride
back on the power of love!
- [Wash] Tucker, if they touch anything,
or if he makes any more suggestions,
prod them with your sword.
- [Tucker] Ha ha, now that's
something I can get behind!
Bowchickaboww-
Wait, no, no no no no no!
- [Sarge] Fine, well I guess
you don't want any help
from our incredibly
advanced robotic companion.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Wash] Nope.
- [Grif] Racist.
- [Sarge] Hey tree-hugger,
what if I told you
it runs on recycled cooking grease?
It's perfect.
Grif sweats the stuff.
- [Grif] What else was I supposed to drink
when we ran out of soda?
- [Simmons] There's always water.
- [Grif] Please, what are we, cave men?
- [Wash] I said no.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Tucker] Whoa, is that Lopez?
- [Simmons] Not exactly.
(whispers) This one isn't very smart.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Tucker] How can you tell?
- [Sarge] Oh, a mother knows.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Wash] Why don't you three
go check on our food supply?
It's been a while since
I've done a full inventory.
- [Simmons] You can't just
shove your bitch work on us.
What do we look like?
- [Tucker] Uh, bitches.
- [Wash] Tucker, I want 100 squats.
- [Tucker] What, but it
was leg day yesterday!
- [Wash] You are a space marine, Private.
Everyday is leg day.
- [Tucker] This is bull shit.
- [Grif] Ha, who's the bitch now?
- [Tucker] Your sister was my
bitch if I remember correctly.
- [Grif] What did you say to me, bitch?
- [Wash] No one is a bitch.
Now both of you be quiet.
- [Grif] Simmons is kind of a bitch.
- [Simmons] Hey, what the fuck?
- [Sarge] Ah, can it Private Bitch.
- [Simmons] Yes, sir.
- [Grif And Tucker] Bitch.
- [Wash] I said be quiet.
(smacks device)
(device warbles)
- [Grif] Holy shit.
- [Wash] It's working.
I-I don't know what I
did but it's working!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Lopez, you're
ruining the moment.
- [Wash] Mayday, Mayday.
This is Agent Washington.
Can anybody read me, over?
- [Grif] Maybe they're
screening our calls.
- [Simmons] What do you mean they?
Who is they?
- [Grif] I dunno, people who know us.
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Look, I wouldn't
pick up the phone
if any of you fuckers called me.
- [Wash] Mayday, mayday,
we are survivors of a shipwreck,
and are in need of immediate
rescue, please respond.
- [Tucker] Don't call
them back right away.
You gotta wait, or else
you'll look desperate,
- [Simmons] But we are desperate.
- [Wash] Everyone shut up.
- [Grif] Whoa.
- [Wash] Mayday, mayday,
this is Agent Washington
and the Red and Blue troopers
of Project Freelancer!
We are stranded, does anyone copy?
Mayday, this is Agent
Washington, I am a soldier.
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
(radio static)
- [Voice] Is someone there?
- [Wash] Yes, yes, we're
here, do you read us?
(radio static)
- [Voice] Is this a prank call?
- [Wash] No, no, no, this is real.
Please, you have to listen to me.
My men and I are shipwrecked.
- [Simmons] It's an emergency!
- [Grif] Black hawk down!
- [Sarge] Code red!
- [Voice] What, like a lightish red?
- [Tucker] What the fuck did he just say?
- [Voice] Cause I mean, red
is a pretty broad spectrum.
There's scarlet, vermilion,
like a deep burgundy.
- [Sarge] Donut, is that you?
- [Donut] Sarge?
Oh, hey guys.
What have you been up to?
- [Sarge] We're stranded
in the middle of a jungle,
with dwindling food and limited supplies.
- [Donut] That sucks.
- [Grif] No shit, dickhead!
- [Sarge] Donut, I need
you to listen to me.
You need to send help.
Call command.
- [Donut] Command?
I think I know a guy if
you want to turn this call
into a three way.
- [Sarge] No, don't do that.
I need you to write
down these coordinates.
- [Wash] Who is donut again?
- [Simmons] Cheery guy, pink armor.
- [Grif] Kind of stupid.
- [Tucker] And a little...
- [Wash] Wait, did I shoot him once?
- [Grif] Bingo.
- [Wash] Got it.
And he's competent enough
to trust with our lives?
- [Donut] Sorry, did you say five or nine?
- [Sarge] I said eight.
- [Donut] Oh.
- [Wash] Right.
Okay, Donut, those are our
last known coordinates,
but be sure to let the rescue team know
that we've got no clue
where we actually landed.
- [Donut] Don't worry guys.
No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut
always finds his man.
- [Sarge] Roger that, son.
(radio static)
- [Donut] What was that?
You're breaking up.
- [Wash] Just send help
as fast as you can.
- [Donut] Okey-dokey.
(radio static)
- [Grif] So, what happened?
- [Sarge] Well boys, I
don't want to jinx us
or anything like that but,
we're gonna be rescued!
(all cheer)
- [Simmons] I can't wait to eat a hot dog!
- [Wash] Guys.
- [Sarge] There's no possible
way anything can go wrong!
Everything is going to be good forever!
(all shout and cheer)
- [Wash] Guys, it could still
be a few days before they-
- [Sarge] : Lets eat all
the food rations tonight
and then fire all of our excess ammunition
indiscriminately into
the air to celebrate!
(all cheer)
(guns fire)
- [Simmons] Then lets
fix up that old Warthog
that's been hanging near our base!
(all cheer)
So that we can crush it
into the other warthog
because fuck it!
(all cheer)
- [Wash] Listen, let's not
get our hopes up just yet.
- [Tucker] Aw, come on, Wash, lighten up.
We did it, we made contact.
- [Wash] (sighs) Well,
it is the first good news
that we'd had in a while.
- [Caboose] Hey everyone!
- [Wash] Caboose, where have you been?
- [Caboose] Yeah, I went
on a walk like you said
and now, everything is
gonna be good, forever!
- [Sarge] Told you so!
- [Wash] Wait, Caboose,
you were miserable.
What happened?
- [Caboose] Oh, where are my manners?
I haven't even introduced him
- [Wash] Introduced who?
(upbeat music)
- [Caboose] Freckles, come! (whistles)
(heavy thuds)
Everyone, I would like
you to meet Freckles.
Freckles, say hello.
- [Freckles] Enemy soldiers detected.
- [Caboose] No, those
aren't enemies, Freckles.
Those are Grif and Simmons, our enemy.
- [Freckles] Firing main cannons.
- [Caboose] No, bad Freckles, down!
- [Freckles] Yes, master.
- [Caboose] Bad Freckles.
So, what are you guys up to?
(Grif whimpers)
- [Wash] Mayday, Mayday,
this is Agent Washington
and the red and blue troopers
of Project Freelancer.
We are stranded, does anyone copy?
Mayday, this is Agent
Washington, I am a soldier.
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
(birds chirp)
- [Tucker] So...
(gears whir)
Nevermind.
- [Wash] Caboose,
(gears whir)
Tell me again, where
did you find this robot?
- [Caboose] His name is Freckles.
- [Tucker] That's a stupid name.
(gears whir)
Stupid cool, I mean, great name.
I mean, I wish that were my name.
Yeah, Freckles is the best
name ever that there ever was.
- [Wash] Technically it's a Mantis Class
Military assault droid.
- [Tucker] Wait, why Mantis?
- [Wash] Well, you see those legs?
They kind of resemble the
legs of a praying mantis.
- [Tucker] No, they don't.
- [Wash] Then maybe it's the head shape.
- [Caboose] Yeah maybe it's because
during the act of procreation
they rip off the head of their
mate's body and devour it.
It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.
- [Wash] Ew, what?
- [Tucker] Eh, I've dated worse.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I call him Freckles
because of the spots on his nose.
- [Tucker] Well shit, I
actually have to give it
to Caboose on this one.
Robot definitely looks
more like a 'Freckles'
than a 'Mantis'.
- [Wash] Fine, where
did you find Freckles?
- [Caboose] Well I was
walking and I was sad
and I missed Church...
- [Tucker] This is the greatest
story of our generation.
- [Wash] Quiet.
- [Caboose] And then I heard a noise..
- [Tucker] Seriously,
it's like I was there.
- [Wash] Tucker!
- [Caboose] Yeah and
then I saw the little guy
under like pieces of rock and
space ship and body parts,
but I just moved those out of the way
and then there he was and now
we're best friends forever!
Right Freckles?
- [Freckles] Affirmative, Caboose.
- [Tucker] Great, boy meets dog.
Dog turns out to be a
military-grade killing machine
from a crashed spaceship.
- [Wash] Caboose, um, you know
a pet is a lot of responsibility.
- [Caboose] That is why I will water him
and I will feed him every day.
- [Tucker] Water and feed?
What the hell does this thing run?
- [Caboose] It runs on the
power of the friendship
of our love!
- [Tucker] This is so fucked up.
- [Wash] Didn't you give birth
to a baby alien a few years back?
- [Tucker] Whoa, let's not
bring family into this.
- [Caboose] So, what fun adventures
are we going to go on today, Freckles?
- [Tucker] I'm not doing shit.
We're getting rescued soon, remember?
- [Wash] Actually I
think it would be smart
if we continued with our training routine.
- [Tucker] What, why, there's no point.
- [Wash] Training is an
ongoing process, Tucker.
And as the leader of this team,
I want to make sure that
we're ready for anything.
- [Tucker] This is fucking stupid.
Nothing has happened
since we crashed here.
- [Wash] Well, you never know if someone
(voice distorts) or
some thing will attack.
So stop complaining and start jogging.
- [Tucker] And where are you going?
- [Wash] I'm heading up to the ship.
Someone needs to do an
inventory of our food supplies.
I prefer it be someone who can count.
- [Caboose] I only screwed up twice.
- [Wash] You screwed up once.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I don't see your point.
- [Tucker] So you're just
gonna leave me with them?
- [Wash] Five laps gentlemen.
Tucker, make sure you count for Caboose.
- [Tucker] Yeah, right.
- [Freckles] Disregarding a direct order
from a commanding officer
is punishable by death.
- [Tucker] What, since when?
- [Freckles] Target locked.
- [Tucker] Goddammit, okay, I'm going.
- [Caboose] And who wants to go outside?
Who wants to go outside?
Who wants to go outside?
Freckles, you want to go outside?
Outside!
Who wants to go outside?
Do I want to go outside?
Why do I want to go outside?
Lets all go outside!
Oh my god we're here!
(soft music)
I'm really good at this game.
- [Sarge] Backstabbers.
- [Simmons] Hey asshole, would it kill you
to take out the trash for once?
- [Grif] Simmons, I've been thinking.
- [Simmons] I don't care,
take out the fucking trash.
- [Grif] Why do we carry our guns?
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Our guns, why do we carry them?
- [Simmons] Because we're soldiers.
- [Grif] Yeah, but we're
not really fighting anybody,
are we?
- [Simmons] Well, yeah, but you never know
when we could be attacked.
- [Grif] Attacked by who?
The Blues?
- [Simmons] Um...
- [Grif] We haven't fought
a single god damn enemy
since arriving in this canyon,
and yet here we are walking
around in full body armor
with a rifle in our hands
like the fucking galaxy is
about to attack us any second.
- [Simmons] What's your point?
- [Grif] My point is why
don't we ever just walk around
without our guns?
Do it.
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Drop your gun.
- [Simmons] No!
- [Grif] Why not?
- [Simmons] I don't want to.
- [Grif] You don't want to, or you can't?
- [Simmons] Um, um.
I'm going back inside.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] And thus Dexter
Grif single-handedly
avoids trash duty for
a second day in a row.
Hoo-rah.
- [Sarge] Men, fall in, double time!
This is not a drill!
- [Grif] What the Hell?
- [Simmons] I knew there
was a reason we were armed.
(guitar strums)
Sarge, what's wrong?
- [Sarge] What's wrong, what's wrong?
How 'bout scheming, training, conniving,
commiserating, colluding, take your pick!
Also, building a giant robot.
Those Blues are up to no-good!
- [Grif] And here I was
thinking something important
was about to happen.
- [Simmons] But sir, didn't
we build a robot first?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Lopez 2.0 doesn't count.
He's about as useful
as a box full of Grifs.
- [Grif] Hey, I'm offended.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Men, I know we
have considered the Blues
to be our quote "allies"
unquote for some time now,
but we have to look at the facts.
- [Simmons] What facts?
- [Sarge] Number one: they
now possess a tank on legs
that's capable of killing us all.
- [Simmons] Okay.
- [Sarge] And number two
is that we didn't have
our own Number one first!
Clearly this is a conspiracy.
- [Grif] So what do you
expect us to do about it?
- [Sarge] I need you boys to
conduct some reconnaissance.
Secure intel, get deep in Charlie's bush.
Initiate Delta force, Tango and Cash!
- [Grif] Are these orders
or 80's action movies?
- [Sarge] Find out exactly what
those pesky Blues are up to.
- [Simmons] You mean go over there?
Near that monster?
- [Grif] See, this is exactly
the robot overlord shit
I was talking about!
If only someone had listened!
- [Sarge] It'll be dangerous,
but I have confidence
that at least one of you
will survive.
Simmons.
- [Grif] Why aren't you coming?
- [Sarge] We have a
major breach in security!
One of the bags in my wall tore open
and now there's sand all over the place.
- [Grif] I can see how
that might take priority.
- [Sarge] (sighs) It's likely
that we'll never fully recover.
There's just so many tiny crevices.
- [Simmons] Sarge, please, I
don't wanna upset the Mantis!
- [Grif] What's a mantis?
- [Simmons] The giant robot.
- [Grif] Oh, why's it called that?
- [Simmons] I don't
know, 'cause it's green.
That's not the point.
- [Sarge] Well that's
not a very good reason
to call it a Mantis.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Whatever dum-dum.
Can't you see we're talking strategy!
- [Grif] Stupid new Lopez.
- [Simmons] Look the Blues
are no more dangerous
than this idiot.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
But that robot could
flatten us in an instant.
- [Sarge] You raise an
excellent point Simmons.
- [Simmons] I do?
- [Sarge] Yep, so you
better not get spotted
while you're out there.
- [Grif] (sighs) Let's
just get this over with.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Simmons] But I'm telling you,
the Blues aren't up to anything.
(guitar strums)
(rapid footsteps)
- [Wash] All right, change of plans.
(birds chirp)
- [Caboose] No, Freckles,
no, Freckles, go down.
Like this!
(gears whir)
Yes, that's a good Freckles!
Yes, yes. Tucker!
Tucker did you see that?
Freckles did a squat!
- [Tucker] Great, now teach him to fetch,
and then throw a stick off a cliff.
- [Caboose] Oh, he knows how to fetch.
Freckles, Freckles, get the ball!
- [Freckles] Acquiring target.
(gun fires)
- [Caboose] Uhm, see that,
that was just, that was just
poor phrasing on my part.
Really, I mean I was just,
I think I was just grammatically...
It was grammatically incorrect.
So...
(guitar strums)
- [Grif] Alright, we made it!
- [Simmons] Yeah, so,
uh, what do we do now?
- [Grif] I guess we just watch 'em?
- [Simmons] So this is
a waste of time, right?
I mean, they're not
actually plotting anything.
- [Grif] I don't know, man.
But watching two dudes exercise
is making me feel really weird.
- [Simmons] (sighs) This
isn't getting us anywhere.
- [Grif] Well, why don't you just ask them
what they're up to?
- [Simmons] What, and blow our cover?
- [Grif] What do we look
like, Seal Team Six?
Who gives a shit, dude?
You already said they're
not up to anything.
- [Simmons] But what about the robot?
- [Grif] Oh yeah.
- [Simmons] See, we need to strategize.
- [Grif] Okay, fine.
How do we want to do this?
- [Simmons] Oh, we could do
like a sort of good cop/bad cop thing.
- [Grif] What if we act casual?
Like we're just shootin'
the shit or something?
- [Simmons] Maybe if
we go in guns blazing,
we can intimidate them into
telling us what we want.
- [Grif] Wait, what do we want?
- [Simmons] I don't know.
(Simmons yelps)
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] What are you doing?
- [Simmons] All right, listen, Tucker.
I'm willing to hear you out,
but my partner is crazy.
I can't hold him back.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Simmons] I mean, hey, what's up?
How's the weather?
No, wait, I mean, tell me what you know.
I'm sorry.
- [Grif] That's some solid
detective work there,
Officer Simmons.
- [Tucker] Yeah, so if you guys
could not watch us work out,
that'd be great.
Cause it's a little weird.
- [Grif] It's really weird.
- [Simmons] Sarge ordered
us to come spy on you.
He thinks you're up to something.
- [Tucker] Dude, the only thing
I've done today is exercise.
- [Grif] (sighs) You poor tortured soul.
- [Simmons] What are you training for?
- [Tucker] Fuck if I know.
Every day, it's the same thing.
Wake up, run drills, clean
the base, run drills,
maintain order, run drills.
I have glamorous calves and
a miserable fucking life!
Can we please stop running drills?
- [Grif] I had calves once,
way more tender than a regular cow.
You can taste the youth.
- [Simmons] Wash makes you clean the base?
- [Tucker] And our
equipment, and our vehicles.
The guy's obsessed with rules and order!
- [Grif] Ew, could you imagine
having to deal with someone like that?
- [Simmons] Rules and order, ahh.
- [Tucker] I know, right?
He's even got an organizational chart.
(Simmons gasps)
- [Grif] (scoffs) What a loser.
- [Simmons] Uhh, yeah hmmm, well uh,
that all sounds very interesting, Tucker,
but I think I need to see this for myself.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Grif] What?
- [Simmons] You know, I
just want to make sure
his story checks out, inspect the base,
stick around for a few days.
- [Grif] Checks out?
What are you going to find
that we can't already see?
That thing is completely exposed.
It's empty.
It's cleaned out.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Clean.
- [Tucker] Are you sure
you want to hang around?
Wash might make you run his
obstacle course or something.
- [Grif] Yeah, Sarge made us do that too.
- [Sarge] On your mark, get set,
- [Grif] This is such bull-
(gun fires)
Ow, why?
- [Sarge] New record.
(buzzer blares)
- [Grif] Sometimes when I
sneeze, buckshot comes out.
- [Simmons] Look, let me
just hang out for a few days.
I'll be cool, I swear.
- [Grif] Don't lie to the man's face.
- [Tucker] Whatever dude.
Just remember, I warned you.
(grass rustles)
- [Simmons] Well, Grif,
I guess this is goodbye.
- [Grif] Wait, how long are
you planning on being gone?
- [Simmons] Until the job's done, I guess.
- [Grif] And you're sure you'd
rather be near the Blues,
and their giant killer fucking robot,
instead of just coming back to base?
(floor rattles)
Hey, I think I broke the
urinal in the laundry room.
- [Simmons] We don't have a
urinal in the laundry room.
- [Grif] Oh.
(floor rattles)
- [Simmons] Yes, I'm sure.
- [Grif] Whatever your funeral.
Just remember, if a
robot ever corners you,
just stick him with a magnet.
- [Simmons] Computers haven't
been affected by magnets
since the 20th century!
- [Grif] which is exactly
what they want you to think.
(grass crunches)
- [Simmons] (sighs) Finally,
a place I can call home.
- [Caboose] Alright, Freckles, fetch!
(ball thumps)
- [Simmons] Hey Caboose,
you dropped your ball.
- [Freckles] Acquiring target.
(explosion)
- [Simmons] Ah, what did I do?
- [Caboose] Uh, yeah, sorry, yeah,
we're still working on that one!
(guitar strums)
- [Grif] Hey, where's Sarge?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(rapid footsteps)
- [Sarge] Private Grif,
I see you've returned
from your reconnaissance
mission unscathed.
That's disappointing, unacceptable.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
So, what information have you recovered?
- [Grif] Uh, that the
Blues aren't up to anything
and that you're a paranoid
old man bordering on senility.
- [Sarge] Uh huh, I'll take
that into consideration Private.
But how about we hear from
our more competent soldier?
Simmons?
- [Grif] He's with the Blues.
- [Sarge] With the Blues?
- [Grif] Yeah, he seemed really eager
to stay at their base for some reason.
- [Sarge] Well, I suppose it
was only a matter of time.
- [Grif] A matter of time?
- [Sarge] Yep, I knew this day would come.
- [Grif] Really, you knew
Simmons would eventually
wanna leave the Red Team?
- [Sarge] Leave Red Team?
Grif, are you even paying attention?
- [Grif] I mean, not really, I just, I...
- [Sarge] First they build a giant robot.
Then they capture my second in command.
It's just as I had predicted!
The enemy has finally
shown its true colors!
And that color is pound 0000FF!
- [Grif] What?
- [Sarge] Blue, blue!
It's Red vs. Blue all over again!
- [Grif] No Sarge, they didn't capture...
- [Sarge] Can you believe it?
Posing as our allies only
to stab us in the back
years after our conflict
had seemingly ended!
They've pulled off the most elaborate ruse
in the history of
simulated military combat.
- [Grif] I don't-
- [Sarge] I mean really!
How far back did they
start planning this thing?
- [Grif] You're not listening.
- [Sarge] Like, did they know
about all the Freelancers
from the beginning?
- [Grif] Sarge.
- [Sarge] And what about Church?
For years they told us he was a ghost,
but then he was an ancient
artifact or something
and there were aliens
involved I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder just how
deep this rabbit hole goes.
- [Grif] Stop.
- [Sarge] It's almost like all of this
is some sort of sick game!
- [Grif] This conversation is
starting to get a little meta.
- [Sarge] You're right.
You think he was in on it too?
- [Grif] I think you're
jumping to conclusions.
- [Sarge] And I conclude
you need to shut your mouth
and move your feet!
- [Grif] What are you gonna do?
- [Sarge] We are going to do
the Reds' signature Blood Gulch maneuver.
- [Grif] (sighs) Oh no.
(guitar strums)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Caboose] Okay Freckles, roll over!
(gears whir)
- [Freckles] Objective complete.
- [Tucker] That's cheating.
- [Simmons] Hey, Tucker!
- [Tucker] What?
- [Simmons] Do you have any
idea when Wash is getting back?
I have some suggestions regarding
the upkeep of Blue Base.
- [Tucker] I don't know, and I don't care.
- [Simmons] I've got two words
for you buddy: chore wheel.
- [Tucker] And I've got two words for you:
how 'bout fuck off?
- [Simmons] Just think about it.
Wheel of chores.
- [Tucker] I hate my life.
- [Simmons] Tucker!
- [Tucker] You know what, I take it back.
I hate everyone else's life.
Wish they didn't have them.
Oh my God, am I turning into Church?
- [Wash] Why aren't you running drills?
- [Tucker] How do you know I
didn't already finish them?
- [Wash] Because you're not on the ground
complaining about irritated nipples.
- [Tucker] I'm telling you,
my chest piece rubs right up against them.
And not in a good way.
- [Wash] Why do you refuse to
take these things seriously?
- [Tucker] Why can't you
just let us do our thing?
- [Wash] I'm trying to
make sure you're the best,
that you're ready for anything.
- [Tucker] Why?
Blue Team was just fine
with being mediocre
until you came along.
What the fuck are you worried about?
- [Wash] It's just a feeling.
I can't explain it.
- [Tucker] Really, 'cause I bet I can.
You're a paranoid ex special ops guy,
who's used to being
betrayed on a weekly basis.
Not much of a riddle, Wash.
Hey next, do you want to
figure out the mystery
of why Caboose isn't the team treasurer?
- [Wash] Oh, so we're going there.
- [Tucker] Oh, bitch, I already went there
and I took pictures.
- [Caboose] Ooooh girrrrl.
- [Wash] Well, I can't say
I'm surprised, Lavernius.
You just always have
to get the last laugh,
mister quick-witted, mister sarcastic.
If you spent as much time
training as you do mouthing off,
you could probably beat
Freckles at arm wrestling!
- [Tucker] Don't be stupid,
Freckle doesn't have arms.
He has guns.
- [Caboose] And paws!
Freckles, shake.
(gears whir)
(loud thud)
Get it?
He shakes, it's awesome.
- [Wash And Tucker] Caboose!
- [Caboose] Yeah, we're
still working on it.
- [Simmons] Oh, hey Wash.
I didn't know you were back.
- [Wash] What is, why is he here?
- [Simmons] I took the liberty
of claiming the bunk closest to you.
I hope you don't mind.
- [Wash] I don't have time
to deal with you right now.
Go away.
- [Simmons] (chuckles) Good one, sir.
Oh, hey, by the way, is it cool
if I start calling you sir?
- [Wash] Why is he still here?
- [Tucker] Beats me.
If I was him, I'd be as far
away from this base as possible.
- [Simmons] You can call
me Champ if you want.
Or you know, son.
- [Tucker] Just ignore him.
- [Simmons] Or sir, jr.
- [Wash] (voice distorted)
As long as I'm the leader
of this team, I will do
everything in my power
to ensure your safety,
whether you like it or not.
- [Tucker] We don't
need you protecting us.
- [Wash] I know, that's
why I'm trying to help you.
- [Tucker] Help us with what?
Defending against attack?
No one is going to attack us.
(Warthog engine roars)
- [Sarge] Attack!
- [Tucker] Oh you've got
to be fucking kidding me.
- [Sarge] Dammit Grif, you
forgot our theme music.
- [Grif] Oh, right.
(upbeat music)
- [Sarge] Ah forget it moment's passed.
- [Freckles] Enemy soldiers detected.
- [Caboose] Uh, good Freckles,
no murdering everyone.
(heavy thumps)
- [Grif] Uh, I would just
like to take this opportunity
to point out, that this was not my idea.
Whatsoever, at all.
- [Tucker] You have
literally the worst timing.
- [Sarge] Stow it, thin mint.
We're no longer
fraternizing with the enemy.
- [Tucker] Thin mint?
- [Grif] Now see, when he says "we,"
imagine he's only referring to himself.
Do not group us together.
- [Tucker] Bitch, my
armor's aqua, I think.
- [Wash] What the hell are you two doing?
- [Grif] Again, not two, just him.
I can't stress this enough.
- [Sarge] You made me
believe that Reds and Blues
can coexist, and we can
work together as one people,
and that we can all get
together and be a little purple.
- [Wash] We can!
We are, seriously, what
the fuck is this about?
- [Sarge] You kidnapped one of my men!
- [Tucker] Who, me?
- [Tucker] He wasn't kidnapped, dipshit.
He came over here by himself.
We can't get him to leave.
- [Sarge] Is this true, Simmons?
- [Tucker] It's not your fault, sir.
It's Grif's.
- [Grif] what did I do?
- [Tucker] You're
fucking disgusting, Grif!
- [Grif] Well, yeah, but
I've always been like that.
Sarge was the one that decided
to take half the base for himself.
- [Simmons] Oh, then I
guess it is your fault, sir.
- [Sarge] Then that makes you a traitor!
- [Simmons] What?
- [Freckles] Threat level increased.
- [Caboose] Uh, yeah, no reason for panic.
Everything's fine.
Might anyone have a rolled
up newspaper at the ready?
- [Sarge] You weren't kidnapped!
You deliberately joined the enemy!
- [Tucker] But if he wasn't kidnapped,
that would mean we were never
the enemy in the first place.
- [Sarge] Don't try to confuse
me with your words, shamrock!
- [Tucker] I'm aqua!
- [Wash] Tucker, calm down.
- [Tucker] Me?
These guys roll up in
a fucking assault jeep
and you choose to yell at me?
- [Wash] Look, tensions are high.
- [Tucker] No shit, Washington.
I'm tired of you bossing us around!
- [Wash] Now is not the time.
- [Tucker] You know, I disagree.
We were having a talk when Tweedledee
and Tweedle-fucking-idiot
decided to interrupt,
so let's finish this.
- [Wash] There's nothing to finish.
- [Grif] Are we intruding on some sort
of lovers' quarrel right now?
- [Tucker] You are the
worst thing to happen
to this team since blue boy
over there decided to show up.
- [Caboose] I'm a man, blue man!
- [Simmons] You take that back.
Wash is a great leader, I assume.
- [Sarge] Blasphemy!
- [Freckles] Deadly force authorized.
- [Tucker] Seriously, I
would rather follow Caboose
into battle than you.
- [Wash] Oh really?
Then let's just make him the leader.
See how much better off you are.
- [Caboose] Well, I humbly
accept your nomination
and accept the position.
- [Wash And Tucker] Shut up.
- [Freckles] Do not talk back
to your commanding officer.
- [Tucker] Wash and I
are having an argument.
I will be talking back to him.
That's how arguments
work, you fucking toaster.
- [Freckles] Washington is
not the commanding officer.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Wash] What?
- [Freckles] In a unanimous
decision by the Blue Team,
Caboose has been promoted to Blue leader.
Captain Caboose is now
your commanding officer.
Do not talk back to
your commanding officer.
- [Grif] Oh, fuck.
- [Caboose] Well, yep, this
is gonna be a lot of fun.
- [Wash] No, Caboose, you can't-
(gears whir)
Look, Freckles, this
is a misunderstanding.
- [Simmons] Caboose is team leader?
Fuck this.
- [Caboose] Aw, don't worry, Simmons.
As my first duty as leader
in the position of the nomination,
I say you can be on Blue Team forever!
- [Simmons] No thanks, I'm good.
- [Freckles] Private Simmons.
- [Simmons] Oh no.
- [Freckles] Deserting your
post will designate you as AWOL.
This designation is punishable by death.
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Uh, hey Sarge?
Now the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.
- [Sarge] Then it's war!
- [Wash] Wait, stop.
- [Sarge] Say hello to robot
Satan, you mechanical son of a-
(gun fires)
- [Grif] Bail!
(explosion)
- [Tucker] Whoa!
- [Simmons] Sarge!
- [Caboose] Freckles, bad, bad, no!
- [Freckles] Primary threat eliminated.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] Sarge, are you okay?
- [Sarge] No, Simmons, I'm
afraid I won't be okay.
Until I exact my revenge!
- [Grif] Seriously, I am not
affiliated with this lunatic.
He does not speak for me.
(Sarge roars)
- [Freckles] Engaging target.
- [Caboose] Freckles, no!
- [Wash] Sarge, don't!
(gun fires)
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Donut] Man, you guys are really noisy.
(all shout)
Aw, you must have really missed me.
- [Grif] Donut, thank God you're here.
- [Sarge] We were just about
ready to kill each other.
- [Tucker] Speak for yourself.
- [Wash] Where's the ship.
- [Donut] What ship?
- [Wash] The ship you came here on.
The rescue team.
- [Donut] Oh (chuckles) duh!
Allow me to introduce: the rescue team!
- [Doc] Sup.
- [Simmons] Doc?
- [Wash] Wait, what is this?
- [Doc] Donut told me
you guys needed help.
- [Donut] So I got the
best help money could buy!
- [Doc] You didn't pay me.
- [Donut] And I didn't tip the pilot!
That's frugality.
- [Sarge] What pilot?
- [Donut] The pilot that
dropped us off, dummy.
- [Tucker] "Dropped you off"?
- [Grif] As in, he's not here anymore?
- [Donut] Exactly.
- [Wash] So you're telling me
that you heard our distress signal,
grabbed Doc, hopped on a ship,
and told the ship to leave,
and that's your idea of sending help?
- [Donut] What, no!
I brought Lopez, too!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Kill him!
(all shout)
- [Donut] Someone get
this maniac turquoise guy
away from me!
- [Tucker] I'm aqua!
(suspenseful music)
- [Locus] Unfortunate.
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] This is it.
This is rock bottom.
You ever hit rock bottom before, Wash?
Well, you have now.
Cause this is it.
Can't get any lower.
- [Simmons] I wanna go home.
- [Tucker] Okay well
maybe I spoke too soon.
- [Freckles] Attention, officer on deck.
- [Caboose] Yes, yes,
hello, thank you yes, hello.
Thank you, you're welcome, yes thank you.
(clears throat) Hello.
- [Freckles] Captain, all team
members are accounted for.
- [Caboose] Well, excellent news,
Assistant Captain Freckles.
- [Tucker] Oh, my lord.
- [Caboose] Hi, it looks like
we have a new member today.
Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello.
Yes, welcome to Blue
Team, Simmons. (claps)
- [Simmons] Can I leave?
- [Caboose] It is good
to have you on board
today for the Blue Team.
(gears whir)
- [Freckles] Sir.
Awaiting mission briefing.
- [Caboose] Oh, yes,
right, oh God, right yes.
Um okay uh, yes, first
order of business is um,
uh, Wash, psst, Wa- Wash,
Washington, Washing- Washington,
Wash, Wash, Wash, Wash-
- [Wash] Yes, Caboose?
- [Caboose] What is the
first order of business?
- [Wash] We are trying to get rescued.
- [Caboose] Oh, yes, rescued!
Yes excellent, does anyone
have any suggestions?
- [Wash] (sighs) Well, we
know the communications tower
works, so we should continue
in our efforts to make contact.
- [Caboose] Ah, yes,
very good, excellent yes.
- [Wash] However, we should also work
on trying to boost the signal
of the radio transmitter.
We were barely able to maintain
a steady line of communication last time.
Even if we make contact
again there's no guarantee
anyone would be able to understand us.
- [Caboose] Ah, yes, uh- right, yes.
Yes, then we need to do that!
Tucker, go fix the radio thing!
- [Tucker] Me, why not Wash?
He's the one who built it.
- [Caboose] Tucker, because
don't ruin this, alright listen.
We're gonna keep Wash
here for another job.
- [Wash] But Caboose-
(gears whir)
- [Caboose] Yeah, I'm
thinking that you know,
uh, Washington is mean and scary,
he will be our look out.
- [Tucker] Look out?
- [Caboose] Yes, Washington, make sure
you look out for bad guys!
And anything that looks scary.
- [Wash] There's a giant
robot trying to kill me.
- [Tucker] Yeah, why can't
Freckles be our lookout?
Killing stuff is like, his
entire reason for existing.
- [Caboose] Well um, every great leader
needs a great best friend,
and Freckles, I think you
could be that best friend.
(gears whir)
- [Freckles] Acknowledged.
- [Simmons] Um, do I need to do anything?
- [Caboose] Oh my God, a Red.
Oh my, oh no sorry, sorry it's my bad.
Sorry, sorry, yes Simmons, yes Simmons
we got- we have to talk about it.
Yes, um, Simmons you do
what you, ah, normally do
for the Reds, but instead for the Blues.
- [Simmons] Uh, yes sir.
- [Tucker] Wait, what is
your job for the Reds?
- [Simmons] What do you mean?
I just did it.
- [Caboose] Okay, everybody.
Aaaaand Team!
Alright see you, bye.
(metal rattles)
- [Wash] I hope you're happy.
- [Tucker] Hey, don't pin this shit on me.
- [Simmons] I'll just stay here, I guess.
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Alright, you're all patched up.
- [Donut] I can't feel my toes.
Is that normal?
- [Doc] Let's go with yes.
- [Donut] Works for me.
- [Doc] You know, the next
time someone comes to help you,
I wouldn't really recommend
beating the crap out of them.
- [Grif] Well, the next time
somebody comes to help us,
I hope they actually bring us help.
- [Doc] Hey, I take offense to that.
- [Grif] Yeah, it's called an insult.
- [Doc] Oh.
- [Donut] So what the heck happened?
After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla,
you guys were supposed to be
going back to Blood Gulch.
- [Grif] Well, funny story.
(electricity sizzles)
- [Crewman] Oh my God, who spilled soda
all over my instruments?
- [Grif] Oh my God, I spilled my soda?
(alarms blare)
Somehow, the ship crashed,
but no one seems to know
why or how or when or-
- [Sarge] Men!
- [Grif] I didn't do it,
you can't prove that I did!
- [Sarge] It's time we took action.
- [Doc] Oh, we're not gonna
do anything violent, are we?
Remember I'm a pacifist.
- [Sarge] Yeah, but think about it:
can't spell pacifist without fist.
Which you need to throw a punch.
That always leads to fighting,
the precursor to a full-out battle.
Which is ultimately the first step
on the inevitable road to war!
Violence is unavoidable, Doc.
Time to just admit
you've got a natural-born
pacifist lust for murder!
- [Doc] (sighs) Why do I even bother?
- [Donut] Oh, come on, Doc.
Where's your sense of adventure?
We're a bunch of strapping young men
stranded in the wilderness.
If that doesn't sound like a good time,
I don't know what does.
- [Grif] I'm starting to
remember why I don't like you.
- [Donut] It's just like camping.
Who wants to help me pitch a tent?
- [Grif] Yup, there it is.
- [Sarge] Since landing in
this God-forsaken hellhole,
we've let Washington
make all the decisions.
And just look where that's gotten us:
the Warthog is destroyed;
we're running low on food;
and Simmons is being held prisoner.
- [Grif] Shit's pretty fucked.
- [Sarge] It's high time we
took matters into our own hands!
Red hands.
The days of standing idly by,
while the Blues do interesting
and convoluted things
are over!
- [Donut] All right,
it's our time to shine.
Can I get a heck yeah?
- [Sarge] Hell no.
- [Donut] Close enough.
- [Sarge] What I'm about to
propose to you gentlemen,
is in no way simple, smart,
or seemingly possible.
- [Grif] Solid pep talk so far, Sarge.
- [Sarge] There's one thing in this canyon
that's been the source
of all our problems.
If we want to get out of here alive,
we're going to have to eliminate it.
Boys, we've got to kill Freckles.
- [Doc] We don't know who that is.
We just got here.
- [Sarge] The robot.
- [Donut] You mean Lopez?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Grif] No, the giant robot
that belongs to Caboose.
AKA the thing that will fucking kill us
if we get anywhere near it.
So exactly how do you plan
on "eliminating" it, Sarge?
- [Sarge] Well if our ship was carrying
something as big as Freckles,
I figure it may have also been carrying
something big enough to break him.
- [Grif] We're going aboard the ship?
- [Sarge] We'll move in tonight.
Donut, you guard the
base while we're gone.
- [Donut] Awesome.
- [Wash] Hey, you guys haven't seen
anything suspicious around, have you?
- [Sarge] Suspicious?
Why whatever do you
mean, Agent Washington?
- [Wash] Nothing, just doing my job.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] Nice save,
Sarge, very convincing.
- [Sarge] (chuckles) Thank you.
(wind whooshes)
- [Pilot] Hey can I
get some fuel on three?
- [Voice] You got it.
- [Pilot] Thanks.
Hey uh, I'm not really from around here,
but uh, do you know about
that crashed spaceship?
- [Voice] Spaceship?
- [Pilot] Yeah, I just
dropped off a couple of guys
who saw it in the middle of a canyon.
It's big.
Like, really big.
- [Voice] No, I can't
say I've heard of it.
- [Pilot] Really?
Oh man.
I mean, someone should report that, right?
- [Voice] Well, that's up to you.
- [Pilot] Yeah, it was pretty bad.
You got a phone I could use?
- [Voice] Sure, right behind you.
- [Pilot] Thanks.
(gun fires)
(guitar strums)
- [Locus] Just so you're aware,
no-one's gonna find your ship either.
(gun fires)
(guitar strums)
Control, this is Locus.
Objective complete.
Returning to Crash Site Bravo.
(birds chirp)
- [Tucker] This blows.
I don't know the first thing
about fixing intergalactic space radios.
- [Simmons] Uh huh.
- [Tucker] Every movie that I've ever seen
with a repairman on it always glosses over
the actual repairing part.
It's just, "Hey lady, I'm
here to lay some pipe"
and then bam, two scoops of raisin!
- [Simmons] Uh huh.
- [Tucker] Dammit woman!
If you let the man do his job,
then maybe we would not be in this mess.
- [Simmons] Hey Tucker,
what the fuck is this thing?
- [Tucker] It's a gravity lift.
You step on it and it takes you upstairs.
- [Simmons] I know that.
What the fuck is it doing here?
- [Tucker] It's glowing and goes (hums).
- [Simmons] So, let me get this straight.
We're survivors of a shipwreck,
living off of the bare necessities,
and in the middle of the room
is this incredible feat
of modern-day technology.
- [Tucker] I dunno, Wash
found it on the ship
and so we put it on the base.
What's so weird about that?
- [Simmons] It's like finding
a car made out of rocks,
plastic and a Bluetooth radio.
- [Tucker] Oh, we got that too.
Siri, play song dance theme.
(Siri chimes)
- [Siri] Did you mean bomb, Andy?
- [Tucker] Aw, piece of shit.
- [Siri] Calling bomb, Andy.
- [Simmons] How are you
able to power all of this?
- [Tucker] We're hooked up to the ship.
- [Simmons] You mean
you have a direct line
to a limitless power supply?
- [Tucker] Well, no, we'll definitely
run out of fuel eventually.
Just not anytime soon, so who cares?
Take as much as you want.
- [Simmons] God bless the American way.
- [Tucker] What are you gonna do?
- [Simmons] Just a side project.
(lift whooshes)
- [Wash] Hey, Caboose.
I've secured the perimeter.
No bad guys to be found.
- [Caboose] Excellent
work Commander Washington,
I admire your determination!
Why, maybe someday you could
be the leader of Blue team!
- [Wash] Yes, maybe someday.
- [Caboose] Now, I have
a very important question
for you Washington!
- [Wash] Okay.
- [Caboose] Um, d'ya think
Freckles would look silly
in a hat?
Possibly a sombrero?
- [Wash] You want to dress
your pet up in people clothes?
- [Caboose] To boost
the moral of the troops!
- [Wash] You know, I just remembered
I haven't checked for
any bad guys on the ship.
- [Caboose] What?
Washington, what are you even doing here?
There could be bad guys
plotting against us right now!
- [Wash] You're right, sorry boss.
I'll take care of it right away.
- [Caboose] Ya'know some
people are just not cut out
for military life Freckles.
Now let's go make you that tiny hat.
- [Tucker] Thanks Wash, really
looking out for your team.
(device beeps)
- [Andy] Hey, you've reached the voicemail
of "Andy the Bomb."
- [Tucker] Siri, hang up.
(guitar strums)
- [Felix] Holy shit.
It's actually them.
(twig snaps)
Oh no.
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Ya know, for a shipwreck,
this place actually looks pretty nice.
- [Grif] You should see the other half.
- [Doc] Why, is it bad?
- [Grif] We don't know,
it landed somewhere else.
- [Doc] Yeah, that's pretty bad.
Hey, did you guys ever watch Lost?
- [Sarge And Grif] Shut up!
- [Sarge] Alright, men.
Fan out and see what you can find.
Remember we're hunting the most
dangerous prey of them all.
- [Doc] Man?
- [Sarge] What?
No, giant robot.
- [Doc] Oh yeah.
- [Sarge] Pfft Man.
Everything kills man.
Man's way down on the list.
Right between Koala and retarded Koala.
- [Grif] Yeah, man sucks.
(metal rattles)
- [Grif] Hm.
(weapon fires)
What the fuck?
(device beeps)
Huh.
(device beeps)
- [Doc] Hm.
(shot pings)
Ow!
- Boosh, headshot!
- [Doc] Grif, what the heck, man?
- [Grif] Ah, don't be a bitch.
- [Doc] What is this?
- [Grif] Beats me.
Wanna try?
There's a whole bunch in the corner.
- [Doc] I'm not sure, you know
how I feel about firearms.
- [Grif] Come on, they don't do anything.
They just stick.
- [Doc] Let me think about it.
(device beeps)
Okay.
- [Sarge] Hey, this ain't
a tea party, numb-skulls!
Get ridda' those toys a get back to work.
- [Grif] Fine.
- [Doc] Aw, man.
- [Sarge] And take that
stupid thing of you head.
- [Doc] Okay.
(device clatters)
I never get to do anything cool.
(explosion)
- [Sarge] You'd better not be
breaking things down there!
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Hm, according
to the ship's records,
it was carrying a lot of
standard issue weaponry,
but it also has a bunch of
stuff listed as experimental.
- [Grif] Oh, that's military slang
for really fucking dangerous.
Where's that stuff?
- [Doc] Uh, it looks like most of it
was on the other half of the ship.
- [Grif] Boo.
- [Doc] But there is one
prototype that was kept here.
- [Grif] Yes!
(gears whir)
The fuck are these?
- [Doc] Looks like some
kind of weird grenade.
Or it could be a Rubix cube, I dunno.
- [Grif] Huh.
- [Doc] Ahh, what are you doing?
- [Grif] Trying it out.
(device sizzles then whooshes)
Whoa!
- [Doc] You could have killed us.
- [Grif] Did you see that?
- [Doc] You can't just go around
messing with experimental-
Stop doing that!
(device crackles then whooshes)
- [Grif] Dude!
- [Doc] What is wrong with you?
- [Grif] These things are
like teleporter cubes.
- [Doc] Be careful.
We don't know how they work.
- [Grif] Waddya mean?
Throw it at a thing, thing disappears.
Throw another one, thing reappears.
I could keep an entire buffet
in the palm of my hand !
- [Doc] Really?
That's what you're excited about?
- [Sarge] Men, upstairs, now!
- [Doc] Coming!
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] Oh, I am taking these.
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Sarge, you'll
never guess what we found.
- [Sarge] Son, you could've found
a laser-guided napalm shark.
And I still wouldn't care.
- [Doc] What?
- [Sarge] Ya know that feelin' you get
when you see a pretty girl
on the first day of school?
You're not quite sure what to do,
but your instincts just take
over and you smile at her.
And she smiles back.
And suddenly the world's
a brand new place.
And your stomach is all
full of twists and twirls?
- [Doc] Um, yeah?
- [Sarge] Well boys, I got
that feeling right now.
(dramatic music)
- [Grif] Holy shit.
- [Sarge] Except imagine
that pretty girl at school
is armor plated with a titanium poly-alloy
and outfitted with fifty millimeter canons
and ammo for days!
- [Doc] Sounds pretty high maintenance.
- [Grif] She sounds like I
need a safe word to date her.
- [Sarge] Oh yeah.
- [Doc] So how do we
get it out of the ship?
- [Grif] Uh, teleportation cubes, anyone?
- [Sarge] No, a girl this
fine's gotta be treated right.
Whiled up and whatnot.
We'll take her apart and move
her ourselves limb by limb.
Packed away in carrying
cases if necessary.
- [Doc] Yeah, I think your dating metaphor
kind of took a turn
into serial killer territory there, Sarge.
- [Grif] Seriously, I just found
these awesome future cubes.
It's destiny.
(metal clatters)
- [Sarge] What was that?
(metal rattles)
- [Doc] Agent Washington?
- [Grif] What the hell is he doing here?
- [Sarge] Doesn't matter.
Let's just dismember this beautiful lady,
pack her up, and take
her back to our lair.
I mean base.
- [Grif] Could you please stop
referring to the robot as a woman?
It's really weird.
- [Sarge] Not as weird
as the throbbin' erection
she's givin' me.
- [Grif] Jesus Christ.
(tools clatter and whir)
(soft music)
- [Wash] Hmm, needs a conductor.
(crate rattles)
Stupid thing, just open.
(gun fires)
There we go.
(rapid footsteps)
(sighs) Never thought
it'd come down to this.
Sorry, Caboose.
(tool hisses)
(guitar strums)
What is all this?
- [Simmons] It's the future.
- [Tucker] Where the hell have you been?
- [Wash] I've been doing
what I can to keep us alive.
- [Tucker] Oh really?
Then where were you when
Freckles tried to kill me
for calling his tiny hat stupid?
- [Wash] I thought you didn't need me
protecting you, Tucker.
- [Simmons] Hey, guys, I'm
trying to revolutionize
the world of inter-canyon communication.
So if you could keep it
down that'd be great!
- [Wash] What is he talking about?
- [Simmons] I'm talking
about the internet.
(computer trills)
- [Computer] Welcome!
- [Tucker] Oh my God, everybody leave.
Everybody leave right now.
There is something I gotta do.
- [Wash] The internet?
- [Tucker] Seriously,
you're gonna see some shit
if you don't leave.
- [Simmons] Well, it's
not actually the internet,
the only two points of
communication are Red and Blue base.
- [Tucker] Why would
you lie to us like that?
- [Wash] You put one of
these at Red Base, too?
- Yeah, I had to sneak past Freckles,
but it was totally worth it.
- [Tucker] Why?
- [Simmons] Behold!
- [Tucker] Basebook?
- [Simmons] Yep, it's a site
that lets you upload pictures,
videos and even text posts
so that your friends always
know what you're up to.
It's revolutionary!
- [Wash] Revolutionary?
The first social media sites were created
hundreds of years ago.
- [Tucker] Also, there are
no friends in this canyon.
Only forced acquaintances.
- [Simmons] Yeah, but those old sites
just turned into conglomerations
of attention whores.
Nothing but teenagers who
wanted to prove they were cool
and old people who wanted to
prove they were still relevant.
- [Tucker] So what's
the point of Basebook?
- [Simmons] Oh, you know,
just want to keep in touch
with my friends on the red team
While I'm your prisoner.
Can't let them forget about old Simmons.
(Simmons laughs then sobs)
- [Wash] Glad to see you spent your time
in captivity on something meaningful.
- [Tucker] So you made it, what now?
- [Simmons] I'm glad you asked.
Let's see what Sarge is up to.
Uh-huh, hasn't set up his profile yet.
Well, that's cool.
We'll just wait for an update.
Yeah, I'm sure it'll come eventually.
He's got to have an update.
(laughs) Updates.
- [Wash] You know, maybe
you should go outside
for a bit, Simmons.
I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind
if you got some fresh air.
- [Simmons] No no, it's all good, really.
I'll just save Sarge some time
and make a profile for him!
Yeah, that'll be fun.
I'll do a post about it, too.
Y'know, just so he knows.
- [Tucker] Hope you like
the new Blue team, Wash.
Really worked your magic.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Caboose] 'Kay, okay, don't move!
I gotta get my camera!
- [Freckles] Holding position.
- [Caboose] Oh my god
this is gonna be so cute!
- [Simmons] Hey, Wash.
Could you take a picture
and then tag me in it?
'Cause if I do it myself
I'll just look like one of those losers.
(Wash sighs)
(guitar strums)
(metal clangs)
- [Donut] All right, spread 'em!
- [Doc] Hey, Donut.
- [Donut] Oh, it's you guys.
What took you so long?
- [Doc] It's not exactly easy
transporting several tons
of robot in a timely manner.
I think Grif even dropped a
bunch of pieces along the way.
- [Grif] There's a
difference between dropping
and abandoning.
- [Sarge] What?
Droppin' pieces!
Grif, if I find that a
single screw is missing
from this death machine,
I'm gonna beat the living pulp out of you
and then drink the remaining orange juice!
'Cause I like my dead men pulp free.
And with extra calcium, if available.
- [Grif] What if I lost multiple screws,
or several feet of armor plating?
- [Donut] Giant robot fight here we come!
This is gonna be awesome!
Fighting fire with fire, good idea, Sarge.
- [Grif] I still say we just trap Freckles
in a future cube.
- [Doc] You actually took
one of those with you?
- [Grif] Technically, yes.
(cube whooshes)
But actually, no.
It's a cube that makes more cubes.
- [Grif] No, they teleport stuff.
Watch this.
Fucking cone, what did you ever do for me?
(cube whooshes)
- [Donut] Whoa.
- [Grif] Nah, I'm just kidding, cone.
You can come back.
(cube whooshes)
- [Donut] They're like Poké Balls!
- [Grif] No, these are cool.
Do not ruin them for me.
- [Donut] Or maybe they send
stuff to the phantom zone.
You know, like in that bad Superman movie.
- [Doc] You mean Superman
2 or Man of Steel?
- [Donut] No the eleventh remake.
Superman Origins 3: Revelations!
- [Doc] Oh, yeah, that one's awesome.
- [Grif] Sarge, look.
Let's just send Donut to Blue
base with one of the cubes.
He throws it at Freckles.
Freckles gets zapped.
And then we just throw the
cubes in a volcano or something.
- [Donut] Why do I have to do it?
- [Grif] In case it doesn't work.
I want to be alive.
- [Donut] Makes sense.
- [Doc] But we still don't even know
how the teleportation cubes work.
What if they're extremely radioactive,
or what if they only work
on inanimate objects?
- [Grif] Robots are objects.
- [Sarge] Hey, you're gonna
hurt some feelings here.
Don't ever talk like that
in front of my robot.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Nobody's talking to you, idiot.
- [Doc] I just think we
should run some tests first.
- [Grif] But tests are hard.
- [Sarge] Well if it keeps
you morons away from me
so I can work, I say go for it.
- [Grif] Seriously?
- [Sarge] You can either test the cubes
or you can test this thing's
primary defense systems.
- [Grif] What do I have to do for that?
- [Sarge] Just stand still and wait
for the sweet embrace of death.
- [Grif] Okay, yeah, I'm leaving now.
- [Donut] Ooh, I'm gonna update
my Basebook page about this.
- [Doc] Your what?
- [Donut] Oh, Doc, you're gonna love it.
You should see the photo
Caboose just uploaded.
It's hilarious!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] Psst, hey!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- Yeah, you, brown guy, over here.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] Hey, don't move, just listen.
You and your friends
are in a lot of trouble.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] I'm gonna get
you guys out of here, okay.
But listen, you gotta sit tight
for just a little while longer.
I'm not the only one that
has their eyes on you.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] I gotta go.
Look, I know you people
can fend for yourselves.
Just be careful.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Hm, you talkin' to me?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Dos point oh, why don't
you quit your yappin'
and make yourself useful.
Can't you see I'm tryin'
to build your replacement?
I mean, um, I'm trying' to build your,
well, yeah, he's pretty
much your replacement.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(guitar strums)
- [Donut] Pretty neat, huh?
- [Doc] So, who uses this?
- [Donut] Mainly just Simmons and Caboose.
Oh, wait, it looks like
Sarge has a profile now.
Like.
- [Doc] And you just talk about yourself?
- [Donut] You can post
pictures and stuff too.
I've been downloading this
picture of Freckles for a while.
(computer beeps)
- [Doc] How long has that been going for?
- [Donut] Eh, just a few hours.
- [Doc] You spent hours
of our limited energy
just downloading a single picture?
- [Donut] It is a very
high quality picture.
(computer beeps)
- [Doc] Well, you can't argue with that.
So is this all you did while
we were out last night?
- [Donut] Nope!
I cleaned this base from top to bottom.
It was the least I can do
to make it more presentable.
I did the dishes, swept
the sand off the floor...
- [Doc] Wow, did you clean Grif's room?
- [Donut] Grif has a room?
- [Doc] Well he, and Simmons
share that side of the base,
but Grif's stuff overflowed onto the roof.
- [Donut] Oh, let me take a peek.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Doc] Oh my gosh, if this
post gets over 10,000 likes,
Basebook will pay for a
rescue team to come save us.
(Donut screams)
I know it sounds too good to be true.
(upbeat music)
- [Donut] Dexter Grif!
- [Grif] Huh?
- [Donut] I can't live in this base
with the way you've been treating it!
The layout is all wrong, the
color palette is atrocious,
and the garden doesn't
even have flowers in it,
just vegetables.
Also, I think someone
tried to plant candy corn
at some point!
- [Grif] (clears throat)
I wonder who did that.
- [Doc] How's the testing going?
- [Grif] Well, Doc, after
countless experiments
I determined that the teleportation cubes
are still fucking awesome.
All other data has been inconclusive.
- [Doc] Grif, I really think
we shouldn't be messing with these.
They could be dangerous.
We can't just keep throwing
them around all Willy nilly.
- [Donut] Gimme that.
- [Grif] Hey!
(cube whooshes)
My stuff!
- [Doc] Nice arm.
- [Donut] There, if you're
not responsible enough
to clean your room, then
you can just say goodbye
to everything that was in it.
- [Grif] Oh, man.
(computer beeped)
- [Simmons] Hey, someone liked my post!
Things are sure looking
up for Private Simmons!
What the?
(device whooshes)
(screams) No!
(guitar strums)
- [Wash] What are you doing?
- [Tucker] I'm fixing
(bangs) the radio! (bangs)
- [Wash] By beating it with
the butt of your rifle?
- [Tucker] It worked for you.
- [Wash] But that was-
- [Tucker] You know what?
Why don't you just come over
here and do it yourself?
- [Wash] Try connecting me
antenna port to the amp.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Grif] If you increase
the input voltage,
that will just fry the radio.
But if you were to transmit
it through an amp...
- [Tucker] All I hear are words
that would get me beat high school.
- [Wash] Tucker, I'm being serious.
- [Tucker] Oh my God,
stop the fucking presses.
Agent Washington is being serious.
- [Wash] If you just listen
to me, you can do this.
- [Tucker] Well, I don't want to do this.
You ever think of that?
All I want to do is stand
around and talk to my friend,
but he's gone now.
And all I've got is you.
- [Wash] What?
- [Tucker] It's fucking bullshit.
- [Wash] (sighs)
Did you know I was one of the
worst freelancers in my squad?
There was Agent York,
our security specialist,
Agent North, the sharpshooter,
Carolina was an expert in martial arts,
and Tex was well, you know Tex.
- [Tucker] Cool story, bro.
- [Tucker] I was known for
getting a grappling
hook stuck to my balls.
- [Tucker] Okay, where
are you going with this?
- [Wash] Church was your leader for years.
You guys knew each other inside and out.
- [Tucker] Dude, don't
phrase it like that.
- [Wash] But I'm new to all of this.
I've never really had
to lead anybody before,
but when Church and Carolina disappeared,
I didn't have a choice.
I had to try.
- [Tucker] Well, there's your problem.
You try too hard, man.
I mean, Church wasn't
the best leader ever,
but he never made us run laps
or do pushups or anything.
He just took the blame
whenever shit went wrong.
That was pretty much it.
- [Wash] Well, we're shipwrecked,
low on food and have to do
whatever Caboose tells us
or we'll be killed by a robot.
- [Tucker] Sounds like
you really fucked up.
- [Wash] Yeah.
Kinda looks that way.
- [Tucker] But I guess you
weren't really our leader
when the ship crashed.
So you don't have to take
the blame for that one.
(engines power down)
- [Spaceship Operator] Whoops.
- [Wash] Sorry, knocked
the cable out of the wall.
Hope that wasn't important.
(alarms blare)
(chuckles) I'll take some of the blame.
- [Tucker] Whatever.
- [Wash] So are you going
to fix his radio or not?
- [Tucker] Well, when I
started the radio was working,
but the signal wasn't strong enough,
and now it's just not working.
- [Wash] It sounds like
you really fucked up.
- [Tucker] Don't be a dick.
- [Wash] You're a capable soldier, Tucker,
at least compared to
your usual acquaintances.
You just need to try.
- [Tucker] Oh.
- [Wash] What?
(device clicks)
- [Tucker] It was just turned off.
- [Caboose] Attention
Blue team! (echoes fade)
- [Wash] Uh, yes, captain?
- [Caboose] Ah, I know
we all said we wanted
to fix the radio, and that
was really important...
to fix the radio and
the tower and all that
is really important...
- [Wash] We'll probably
die if it's not repaired.
- [Caboose] But I really need you guys
to go back to Blue Base
and kind of clean up.
- [Tucker] Clean up what?
- [Caboose] Garbage and robot parts
and gross socks all over.
Simmons, yeah um, Simmons
actually won't stop
rocking back and forth in the corner
and it's kind of um, it's
kinda freakin' me out.
- [Wash] And you're
sure you mean Blue Base?
- [Freckles] Do not question
your commanding officer.
- [Wash] Okay, okay, we'll
be there in a few minutes.
- [Caboose] Assistant
Captain best friend Freckles,
initiate piggyback sequence!
(gears whir)
(robot stomps)
- [Tucker] You realize
we're all going to die
because of him.
- [Wash] Tucker, I need
you to head back to base
and do what you can.
I'm going up to the ship.
- [Tucker] You're leaving me again?
What the fuck do you need
to go to the ship for?
- [Wash] I found something.
I just need you to buy me some time.
- [Tucker] Why, what are you gonna do?
- [Wash] Hopefully, I'm
going to put a stop to this.
(guitar strums)
(dramatic music)
- [Locus] You four, with me.
We're going hunting.
(guitar strums)
(guitar strums)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Hey, Lopez's, why don't you two
come over here and give me a hand?
I keep havin' to get on my
knees to work on this thing,
but I figure it'd be
easier if you just held it
at chest level instead.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(chuckles) Lopez, you ol' kidder you.
Now come on, time's a wastin'.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(chuckles) Oh, don't tell me
he's got you in on it too.
(chuckles) Lopez you are rambunctious.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
It is a lovely day, isn't it?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Thank you for noticing, I
have been hitting the gym.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(chuckles) You guys are like
a couple of three stooges.
Well, whenever you're done goofin' off,
head on over, I just need to
make a few more adjustments.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(guitar strums)
(gravel crunches)
- [Wash] Here goes nothing.
(Freckles stomps)
- [Freckles] Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Oh, Freckles,
I didn't see you there.
Man, for a behemoth, you hide really well.
- [Freckles] You have
failed to uphold your duty
to Captain Caboose.
- [Wash] But I was on my way up now.
Ready to clean the base.
- [Freckles] You lack
diligence, Agent Washington.
- [Wash] What?
- [Freckles] You question
authority, Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Um, Caboose,
can you come out here?
- [Freckles] You must be
eliminated, Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Caboose!
- [Caboose] Hello?
- [Wash] Your pet is trying to kill me.
- [Caboose] What?
That does not sound like Freck...
Hey Freckles, Freckles what are you doing?
- [Freckles] Agent
Washington has failed to meet
the minimum requirement
of Blue Team service
and is no longer fit for duty.
He must be eliminated.
- [Caboose] See, he's just
doing what he just said.
- [Wash] Caboose, please come
here, I need to talk to you.
- [Caboose] Agh, probably wants to talk
about what an awesome leader I am.
(Wash clears throat)
- [Caboose] Yes, hello,
what seems to be the
problem Agent Washington?
- [Wash] (sighs) I'm sorry Caboose.
I'm sorry your best friend left
you without saying goodbye.
Maybe
(somber music)
he thought you would try and stop him,
or maybe it was just too
hard for him to tell you
but, no matter the
reason, he's still gone.
He left you, both of you.
I don't really do emotional things
and I hoped you might
be able to get over this
by yourselves so I left you alone,
and instead of coming to
terms with what you lost,
you replaced it with, well,
the first thing you found.
But I should have been there
for you Caboose, (sighs)
because, that's what
friends do for each other.
- [Freckles] Captain
Caboose is not your friend,
he is your commanding -
- [Caboose] Uh, no we're
all friends here Freckles,
it's, you know.
- [Wash] That's right, and as your friend
I want to say that I'm sorry.
I know it's not much, but I made you this.
- [Caboose] Oh my God, my old helmet!
- [Freckles] Captain Caboose,
you should return to your duties.
- [Wash] I know you really
like Freckles, Caboose.
But you have to understand
that he's very dangerous.
He's not a puppy anymore.
A kitten? Or...
He's really big.
- [Caboose] Yeah, he blew up a car.
- [Wash] I remember that.
- [Caboose] Freckles, you-
you're one of the best machines I know.
And that is saying something
because I have been friends
with a lot of machines.
But, from now on,
I think you should listen
to Agent Washington.
- [Freckles] Are you sure?
- [Caboose] Yeah, yeah he's
very smart and really nice.
- [Freckles] Acknowledged.
- [Caboose] You can be leader
again if you want to, Wash,
it's not as much fun as it looks.
I think I'm more like the dashing
second in command kind of person.
Y'know, all the perks no work.
- [Wash] Thank you, Caboose.
- [Simmons] (sniffles) I wish
my team was this emotional.
- [Tucker] Jesus Christ.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Caboose] Ah, it fits perfect!
And look, someone left some gum!
- [Tucker] Pretty sneaky, Wash.
A couple of mushy words, a present,
and you're right back up at the top.
- [Wash] Nothing sneaky about it.
I meant every word.
(loud click)
- [Caboose] Uh oh, I,
I can't see anything.
Hello?
- [Tucker] I think you still need
to work on your craftsmanship, though.
- [Caboose] Oh my God, I'm blind.
- [Wash] One step at a time, Tucker.
- [Caboose] Uh, can people see me?
I can't see them!
- [Tucker] Well, at least we don't have
a killer robot to worry about anymore.
(engine revs)
- [Sarge] (laughs)
Listen to that lady purr!
- [Donut] Nice work, Sarge.
- [Grif] Nice work?
It looks like shit.
It's half the size, and on fire.
- [Sarge] Yeah, it turns out
we were missing some pieces.
Which reminds me. (punches Grif)
Donut, get me a glass.
I'm makin' orange juice.
- [Grif] Every time.
- [Donut] Getting a
jump on the flu season!
Good thinking, sir!
- [Doc Wait, That's a Thing?
(gears whir)
- [Cyclops] Cyclops online.
- [Sarge] Huh, I knew
she was a beautiful lady.
- [Grif] Cyclops?
- [Doc] Huh, looks more
like a praying mantis to me.
- [Donut] No, she said C C Cyclops.
I think it's Italian.
- [Cyclops] E-e- error,
h-hardware malfunction.
- [Sarge] Welcome to Red Team, C.C.
Now if you can-
- [Cyclops] Enemy soldiers detected.
- [Grif] Uh, is it supposed to do that?
- [Sarge] I admire your enthusiasm, C.C.,
but you've only got one enemy.
It's a big robot over at-
- [Cyclops] Negative.
Motion tracker detects 16 hostiles.
- [Sarge] Wait, what?
- [Cyclops] D-d-deadly force authorized.
- [Doc] I'm no hostile, I'm a pacifist.
Kill them.
- [Grif] Hey!
- [Cyclops] Eng-gaging...(powers down)
- [Sarge] Damn, she ran out of diesel.
- [Doc] You converted it to diesel?
- [Sarge] Of course.
Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
- [Grif] Fuck that, she needs
to be thrown off a cliff.
- [Sarge] I don't see how
that's gonna solve the fuel problem.
- [Donut] Hey guys, there's
11 of us in the canyon.
- [Grif] Wow, Donut,
that's one more than ten.
Good job buddy.
- [Sarge] I don't know if
I'd really count Lopez.
- [Donut] But, she said 16.
(distant gun fire)
- [Grif] Oh, shit.
(dramatic music)
(guns fire)
- [Tucker] Who the fuck are these guys?
- [Caboose] Why are we
shooting off fireworks?
Is it someone's birthday?
- [Wash] Freckles, cover Caboose!
(Caboose sings Happy Birthday)
- [Simmons] Stop shooting, we're friendly!
That's the opposite of what I said!
- [Tucker] Fuck this. (shoots)
(soldier crumples)
- [Wash] Wait, we don't know who they are!
- [Tucker] They're the
guys that are gonna kill us
if we don't kill them first!
- [Wash] Freckles, take 'em out!
- [Freckles] Engaging targets.
(explosions)
Primary threat eliminated.
- [Sarge] What in Sam Hill
is goin' on over here?
- [Grif] Who are those guys?
- [Wash] We don't know.
- [Tucker] They showed up
and just started shooting.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Shut up, Lopez,
this isn't the time for jokes.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Wash] Lets move inside.
We need to find cover in case
there's more hiding out in the -
- [Felix] Run!
(gun fires)
- [Simmons] Look out, it's another one!
(gun fires)
- [Felix] Son of a bitch!
- [Simmons] No, wait, I'm confused.
- [Felix] What are you doing?
I said, run!
- [Locus] Excellent work soldiers.
You killed my men.
I suppose that makes you the real deal.
- [Simmons] Okay, now I'm really confused.
- [Locus] Quiet!
All of you, come with me.
- [Wash] And why would we do that?
- [Locus] Because if you don't come now,
I'll have to take you, later.
- [Felix] Fuck off!
- [Locus] You, shut your mouth
and be glad I missed your head.
- [Felix] Oh my God, you
are such a douchebag.
- [Tucker] Yeah, what he said.
- [Locus] This is your last chance.
- [Wash] Freckles!
(Freckles stomps and fires)
(explosion)
- [Grif] Holy shit, did you see that?
- [Caboose] No!
What happened?
Please describe it to me!
Use only small words!
- [Felix] Um, any of you
know how to patch up a leg?
- [Doc] I'll go get some orange juice.
- [Felix] Wait, that's a thing?
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] There, good as new.
- [Felix] I can't feel my toes.
- [Donut] That's normal.
- [Felix] Is it?
Hey, whoa!
- [Wash] You need to start talking.
- [Felix] Aggressive, paranoid
and a little melodramatic.
You must be Agent Washington.
- [Tucker] Ha, melodramatic!
- [Felix] And that means the rest of you
are the Reds and the Blues.
- [Caboose] Oh my God,
how does he know that?
- [Grif] We're wearing red and blue armor.
- [Caboose] But how can he tell?
- [Grif] Will somebody
please fix his helmet?
- [Wash] How do you know who we are?
- [Felix] Seriously?
Come on, man.
Everybody knows about you guys.
You're heroes.
- [Sarge] Heroes?
- [Felix] You're the
team that brought down
Project Freelancer.
You're some of the
galaxy's greatest soldiers.
- [Simmons] Well, I can see
how you might think that.
- [Sarge] Because it's absolutely true.
- [Doc] It's partially true.
- [Grif] But mainly false.
- [Wash] Stop giving him information.
What's your name?
- [Felix] Felix.
- [Wash] Okay, Felix,
what are you doing here?
- [Felix] Do you want the
long answer or the short one?
- [Wash] Do you want
another bullet in your leg?
- [Felix] Hey, that bullet's
there because of you.
- [Tucker] He's got a point.
- [Wash] (sighs) Just
explain what's going on.
- [Grif] Uh, yeah like who were those guys
that were trying to kill us?
- [Simmons] And why haven't
we been rescued yet?
- [Felix] Wait, where
do you think you are?
- [Tucker] What do you mean?
- [Felix] I mean, do you
understand where you crashed?
- [Sarge] Well, we've been taking bets.
Highest wager's currently
on Bermuda triangle.
After that we got to Gilligan's
island, and purgatory.
- [Grif] So stupid.
- [Donut] No, just think about it.
It makes perfect sense.
- [Felix] The reason no
one's come to help you
is the same reason no
one's come to help them.
(guitar strums)
- [Simmons] Them?
- [Felix] The people on this planet.
- [Wash] What planet?
- [Felix] Chorus.
- [Tucker] Never heard of it.
- [Felix] Well, I wouldn't expect you to.
It's on the very edge of colonized space.
And after the war between
the humans and the aliens,
was more or less forgotten
by Earth and the UNSC.
(somber music)
- [Grif] We crashed in
the middle of nowhere,
on a planet in the middle of nowhere,
fucking beautiful everybody.
- [Simmons] But how did we
end up so far from home?
It should've been a short flight.
- [Spaceship Operator] Sir, please,
you can't be back here.
These engines are delicate.
- [Sarge] Can it, Poindexter.
No wonder this flight's taking so long!
Who ever heard of delicate engines?
These engines are
supposed to be big, loud,
and terrible for the environment!
Let's kick this baby into slipspace!
- [Spaceship Operator] Wait!
(alarms blare)
- [Sarge] Eh, one mystery
at a time there, Simmons.
- [Felix] Now being a small planet,
completely free of UNSC jurisdiction.
The nice little people of Chorus decided
(rueful music)
to run things on their own.
The only problem was, they
didn't do a very good job.
- [Grif] Ugh, history's the worst.
Can you just get to the point?
- [Felix] The point is, you crash landed
in the middle of a civil war.
And I'm on the side that's
trying to keep you alive.
- [Wash] And which side is that?
- [Felix] The new Republic,
essentially a bunch of people
got fed up with the way
things are going on Chorus,
so they put together a rebel army
and decided to fight for their freedom.
It's all very patriotic.
- [Tucker] So, what?
Does that make those guys
the Evil Empire or something?
- [Felix] Yeah, you could say that.
- [Tucker] Oh, well fuck.
- [Wash] But why the attack?
Why try to kidnap us?
- [Felix] Like I said,
you're the greatest soldiers
in the galaxy and that makes
you a pretty hot commodity.
And I'd be lying if I said
my shitty attempt at a rescue mission
didn't have a few strings attached.
- [Sarge] What kinda
strings we talking here?
- [Felix] (sighs) The
rebels need your help.
Once they heard that you were on Chorus,
they sent me out with a small team
to find you and bring you back.
They're hoping you might be
the key to winning this war.
- [Grif] Hm, no.
- [Felix] No?
- [Simmons] Yeah, no.
- [Caboose] Yeah, that,
that's not gonna work for me.
- [Wash] Look, Felix.
I hate to break it to you,
but we're in no condition to fight a war.
- [Tucker] All we want is a
ride off this shitty planet.
No offense.
- [Felix] Eh, it ain't my shitty planet.
- [Doc] Aren't you one of the rebels?
- [Felix] No, I'm a freelancer.
(all cock guns)
No, I mean I'm a mercenary,
you know a gun for hire.
- [Grif] Oh thank God.
- [Wash] They paid you to come find us?
- [Felix] They pay me to do lots of stuff,
but yeah, you're my current paycheck.
- [Wash] So you want us to
go fight someone else's war,
just if you can make some extra cash.
- [Felix] Uh, it's for a good cause?
- [Wash] Right, we'll just
take that ride out of here,
if you don't mind.
- [Tucker] Yeah, that's
what I'm talking about.
Mediocrity.
- [Grif] Whoo hoo!
Here's the not going that extra mile.
- [Felix] You know, I wasn't alone
when I came out here to find you,
There were three of us.
Just think about that.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] Whatever, it's not
like we asked them to save us.
- [Simmons] Yeah, we
definitely didn't build
a giant radio tower to send a
distress signal or anything.
- [Grif] Shut up.
(radio warbles)
- [Felix] Headquarters, this is Felix.
I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.
- [Headquarters] Holy
shit, you found them?
That's great.
What's your status?
- [Felix] Not good.
We ran into some Feds.
I need an evac team.
- [Headquarters] Uh, Felix, I can't just
fly somebody out there.
- [Felix] I know, okay,
but you send as many men as you can,
as fast as you can.
Locus has our position.
- [Headquarters] Oh no.
- [Tucker] Who's Locus?
- [Felix] Now I want to do this quiet
and I want to do it right,
but just to be safe,
bring a shit load of guns.
- [Headquarters] Right,
sending reinforcements, sir.
- [Felix] Roger, Felix out.
(radio warbles)
- [Grif] So, what now?
- [Felix] Now we work
on making this canyon
the most defendable hole in the ground
the universe has ever seen.
- [Wash] Why?
(dramatic music)
- [Felix] Because we're
about to get hit hard.
I need a detailed list of the
supplies you've got on hand.
We'll set up choke points and
mark potential sniper's nests.
- [Wash] Whoa whoa whoa, slow down.
We're not telling you anything.
We still don't even know
if we can believe you.
- [Felix] Well, believed this.
If we don't prepare for a fight,
we might as well just be
waiting for a massacre.
(dramatic music)
- [Wash] Tucker, see if you
can fix Caboose's helmet.
- [Caboose] Yes, who said that!
- [Wash] Sarge, you and the
Reds, build up an arsenal.
If we can use it as a
weapon, let's get it prepped.
- [Sarge] I can think of a few things
that might come in handy.
- [Wash] Felix, you and
I aren't done talking.
- [Felix] Well, all right then.
Let's see if you guys
are as good as they say.
- [Grif] Prepare to be
sorely disappointed.
- [Sarge] All right, boys,
we don't have much time.
So let's see what we've got.
- [Simmons] (clears
throat) Hello everyone.
Private Simmons, great to be back.
- [Grif] Wrap it up.
- [Simmons] Good to be back.
- [Grif] Nobody cares.
- [Simmons] All right,
just shut up and listen.
We had a full armory on board the ship
consisting of firearms,
as well as explosives.
I moved as many as I could down here
and also took the liberty
of setting up a minefield
near Red Base.
- [Grif] But you didn't even bury them.
- [Simmons] From what I could tell,
they're designed to rest above the ground.
- [Grif] Uh, with blinking
red warning lights?
- [Simmons] Yeah, it doesn't
really make any sense.
- [Sarge] Excellent work, Simmons.
Now go organize those firearms.
- [Simmons] Yes, sir.
- [Sarge] Grif, Doc, how are
the teleportation tests going?
- [Doc] Well we've learned the cubes
can be set to different frequencies.
For example, if I throw a
cube set to frequency A,
it will absorb an object.
(cube whooshes)
If I then throw a second
cube on frequency A,
that object will reappear.
(cube whooshes)
- [Grif] Meanwhile, if
I've got a cube set to B,
I can throw it like so.
- [Doc] Yeah, hey, wait-
(cube whooshes)
- [Grif] And then throw
a second cube set to B,
without ever messing with the stuff
sucked up by the cube set to A.
(cube whooshes)
- [Sarge] So all they
do is teleport things?
No explosions, no violence?
- [Grif] Nah.
- [Sarge] Well we maybe can
make them absorb grenades,
and then we can throw the grenade
filled cubes at the enemy.
- [Grif] At that point, wouldn't it
just make sense to throw grenades?
- [Sarge] We're not here to make sense,
Private, we're here to win.
Now take Donut and go find a way
to make your stupid cubes
do somethin' useful.
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.
- [Sarge] And finally,
we have the Lopez's.
Stop standing next to each other.
I can never tell you two apart.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] I need you two to get to work
on repairing C.C.'s fuel tanks.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] I can't wait to see her,
triumphantly leading the
charge on the front lines,
glistening in the sunlight,
with the blood of her fallen enemies!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Wait a minute, this is a terrible idea.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
I can't trust an idiotic robot
with a job as important as this.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Change of plans.
You two go prep the work station,
then wait for me to arrive
to do the job myself
. I'm gonna go find my
favorite welding torch.
(rapid footsteps)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(guitar strums)
(electricity crackles)
- [Tucker] All right, how's that?
- [Caboose] Nope, still can't see.
- [Tucker] Open your eyes.
- [Caboose] Oh my God, the
graphics are incredible.
- [Tucker] You're welcome.
- [Caboose] Ah, oh, thanks, Tucker.
You know you, you and I
have had our differences in the past.
I have called you stupid.
You have called me stupid.
I have tried to kill you.
- [Tucker] Uh huh.
- [Caboose] But you know,
at the end of the day I like to think
that you and I are actually-
(electricity crackles)
- [Tucker] What?
I can barely hear you.
Dammit, I think fixing your visor
somehow broke your radio.
Just stand still.
- [Wash] So how bad is this?
- [Felix] The man coming
for us is named Locus.
He's a merc, like me.
Only, you know, terrifying.
- [Wash] Locus?
- [Felix] Yeah, guy's
so far off the deep end,
he prefers to go by the name of his armor
instead of the name he
was born with. (whistles)
- [Wash] That's unsettling.
- [Felix] Oh, are you first name, Agent,
last name Washington?
That's so weird.
- [Wash] That's just old habits.
- [Felix] Well, here's to
hoping those old habits
of yours kick in when he shows up.
You know I thought there'd be more of you.
Weren't you with another
Freelancer, and an A.I.?
- [Wash] They disappeared
not long after we crashed.
- [Felix] Sheesh, any
idea where they went?
- [Wash] No.
- [Felix] Hm, well, if it
makes you feel any better,
I haven't heard anything
about them over the radio.
So, um, that's probably good.
- [Wash] How was he able to cloak himself?
- [Felix] Hm?
- [Wash] Locus, he turned invisible.
How?
- [Felix] The federal army has
got all sorts of fancy stuff.
I got my light shield off a dead soldier.
(shield whooshes)
Pretty cool.
- [Wash] It's just that I've never seen
that kind of equipment
outside of Project Freelancer.
- [Felix] Welcome to the future, Wash.
Technology is incredible,
and everyone uses it to kill each other.
- [Wash] Does that mean your
guys have the same equipment?
- [Felix] I wish.
The New Republic's barely getting by
with what they can.
You wouldn't happen to
have any high-tech armor
aboard that wreck, would you?
- [Wash] Plenty of armor,
Just nothing out of the ordinary.
- [Felix] Well, at least
you can accessorize.
Eh?
Try a little color combo mixing up.
I, I'm sorry, I'm just
trying to light that mood.
- [Wash] Actually, I think I might indulge
in some of those old habits
you were talking about.
Follow me.
- [Felix] I mean, you're just
cryptic, like all the time.
Did you realize that?
(acoustic guitar music)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(electricity crackles)
- [Donut] Well, it just goes to show
that with time effort, and a
little bit of elbow grease,
we really can achieve wonders.
- [Tucker] We spent
hours turning this place
into a war zone, and you made
me hate it in one sentence.
- [Grif] It's what he does.
- [Wash] Donut's got a point though.
(guitar strums)
I think we're ready.
- [Donut] Oooh, back in black.
Looks good, Wash.
- [Caboose] Yeah that
really brings back memories.
Like when we first met.
And then we met again and you shot Donut.
- [Wash] I'm impressed guys.
This place looks good.
In between the landmines,
Freckles, and the tank,
I don't think anyone's going
to stand a chance against us.
(explosion)
- [Sarge] Run for your lives!
- [Simmons] Sarge?
- [Grif] Oh shit they're here.
- [Wash] Everyone get ready!
- [Felix] No, wait, this isn't right.
Locus wouldn't attack like this.
- [Tucker] Well who else on
this planet wants us dead?
(guns fire)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Dos Point-O, cease fire!
No mas, no mas!
- [Grif] Dos point oh?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Caboose] Freckles!
- [Freckles] Deadly force authorized.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Donut] Yes, giant robot fight!
Totally called that on Basebook.
- [Wash] Wait, everyone calm down.
- [Felix] Shit!
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Locus] Surrender now, and I promise
only to kill the mercenary.
- [Simmons] Well fuck.
- [Grif] Oh yeah?
You and what army?
- [Locus] The Federal Army, of course.
- [Grif] Well, guess I
walked right into that one.
- [Felix] Looks like backup
isn't getting here in time.
- [Tucker] Uh, Wash, what's the plan?
- [Freckles] Engaging target.
(guns fire)
- [Wash] Get to cover!
(gunshots and explosions)
(action music)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Caboose] Freckles, be careful!
- [Wash] Dammit, we need
something to draw their fire.
- [Sarge] Simmons?
- [Simmons] Shotgun.
- [Sarge] Tanks for dropping by, dirtbags.
But it's high time you left.
(tank fires)
- [Simmons] Still inverted, sir.
- [Sarge] Right.
(explosion)
- [Simmons] Woohoo!
Yeah!
Suck it evil soldier dudes!
- [Locus] Huh.
(action music)
- [Felix] Heavy artillery!
- [Tucker] What?
Where did that come from?
- [Wash] They must be
getting in through the caves.
(guns fire)
- [Sarge] Uh oh.
(cube whooshes)
(vehicle crashes)
- [Grif] Boosh!
Future cubes, bitches!
- [Wash] What would that?
- [Donut] Future cubes,
the cubes of the future!
- [Sarge] I still think they'd
be better with grenades!
- [Grif] Kiss my ass!
(guns fire)
(Grif yelps)
- [Caboose] Freckles!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Freckles] Shields critical.
- [Caboose] Ahh, we have to help him!
- [Wash] All right.
Let's grab some explosives and-
- [Donut] Wait.
I know what to do.
- [Wash] What the?
Just cover him!
(explosions)
- [Freckles] Shields failing.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Donut] All right, that's enough.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Don't make me hurt you.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Donut speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Donut speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(explosion)
(cube sizzles)
(explosion)
(Donut speaking Spanish)
- [Tucker] Seriously, he
has an incredible arm.
- [Grif] Okay, it wasn't a volcano,
but I'm still taking credit for the idea!
- [Sarge] Incoming!
(guns fire)
- [Wash] Sarge, are you okay?
- [Sarge] Havin' the time of my life!
The tank's pretty beat up.
- [Simmons] They just keep coming.
(device beeps)
- [Felix] Get out of the tank!
(Simmons and Sarge yelp)
(explosion)
- [Wash] Dammit!
- [Grif] Holy shit, those explode?
- [Donut] Did you guys see me?
- [Wash] Yes, now put
those skills of yours
to work and start tossing
some grenades.
- [Donut] On it.
(action music)
And you get a bomb,
and you get a bomb,
and you get a bomb
and you get a bomb,
we all get bombs!
- [Freckles] Energy levels critical.
- [Caboose] Guys, Freckles' in trouble!
He looks tired.
- Fuck that!
Hook him up to the ship!
It's got plenty of power!
- [Simmons] Oh, I can do that.
- [Wash] Felix, where's that back up?
- [Felix] I don't know.
Fucking assholes!
- [Grif] Uh, I'm running out of cubes!
- [Wash] Just hold on a little longer,
and we'll get Freckles back online.
- [Simmons] Uh, Wash,
that might be a problem!
- [Wash] (growls) I'll
be right back, cover me.
- [Tucker] Okay!
(turret gun fires)
Suck my balls!
- [Simmons] I hooked up Freckles,
but for some reason, he's
not getting any power!
- [Wash] What do you mean?
We should have plenty.
- [Simmons] I know, but it's all
being diverted somewhere else.
I don't know what it could be.
- [Wash] Well, where's it all going?
(keyboard clicks)
- [Simmons] Red base?
- [Donut] Uh oh, I, uh,
think I know what it is.
(computer beeps)
- [Wash] Downloading a picture on Basebook
is draining our entire power supply?
- [Donut] It is a very
high quality picture.
- [Wash] How does that even make sense?
- [Simmons] We've gotta
cancel the download.
- [Donut] But we're pinned down.
How are we supposed to (screams)
- [Wash And Simmons] Donut!
- [Simmons] Is he dead?
- [Wash] No, but he's unconscious.
- [Simmons] Oh good.
Cause I did not want to go
through that shit again.
- [Wash] Felix, we're a man down!
Where is that backup!?
- [Felix] I don't know.
They should be here in a few minutes.
- [Wash] We don't have a few minutes.
If we can't get Freckles
online, we won't stand a chance!
- [Tucker] Ugh, such bullshit.
- [Grif] Hey, where are you going?
- [Wash] Tucker!
(guns fire)
(explosion)
- [Tucker] And swish!
Fuck you, Basebook!
- [Simmons] He did it,
we're getting power.
- [Freckles] Charging.
- [Federal Soldier] Freeze!
- [Tucker] Ah, crap.
- [Federal Soldier] You and your friends
have caused us a lot of trouble.
Now lay down your weapon.
(gun fires)
- [Tucker] What the Hell?
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
Dos point oh?
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
Lopez, that was fucking awesome.
Where did you get that body?
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
I don't know what you
said, but that's great.
Now let's get outta here.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Freckles] Shields 25% charged.
(guns fire)
- [Sarge] (laughs) Eat lead,
you seemingly infinite number of soldiers!
- [Grif] Yeah, how's it
feel to get your ass kicked
by a bunch of losers?
- [Wash] All right, everyone together now.
We can do this!
- [Locus] No, you can't.
(gun charges and fires)
- [Tucker] Wash!
- [Caboose] Oh no!
- [Simmons] Is he okay?
(guns fire)
- [Tucker] Lopez!
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] You bastards
stay away from my men!
If anybody's gonna kill 'em,
it's gonna be me!
(gun charges and fires)
- [Grif] Sarge?
(vehicle roars)
- [Felix] Incoming!
(guns fire)
- [Caboose] Freckles, no!
(heavy thuds)
(Rebel soldiers shout)
- [Felix] They're here.
That's our backup.
- [Rebel Soldier] Suck it, you Fed scum!
- [Freckles] Engaging targets.
(explosion)
- [Felix] Get to the cave!
We've gotta go!
- [Caboose] But what
about Wash and Freckles?
- [Simmons] Quick, someone
help me carry Sarge.
(Rebel soldier grunts)
- [Rebel Soldier] What the hell?
(dramatic music)
- [Felix] There's no time.
Get outta here!
- [Caboose] But-
- [Grif] Caboose, c'mon!
- [Tucker] What are you doing?
Where's Wash?
- [Simmons] He's still at the base.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Rebel Soldier] Sir, if we leave now,
they'll just follow us
back to headquarters!
- [Felix] Ah, shit, someone
get me some explosives!
(guns fire)
- [Tucker] Wait, guys, there he is.
Wash, Wash come on!
- [Felix] We gotta seal this tunnel.
(somber music)
(guns fire)
- [Wash] Freckles!
Shake.
(Freckles stomps)
- [Tucker] No, what are you doing?
(rock crumbles)
(Wash sighs)
(Wash grunts)
- [Medic] He's waking up.
- [Felix] Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy now.
You've been knocked out for a while.
Just take it easy, there's
nothing to worry about.
You're safe, tucker.
- [Tucker] (groans) What?
- [Felix] You took a rock
to the back of the head.
Good news is we made it
back to base undetected.
- [Tucker] Back to base?
- [Felix] Welcome to the New Republic.
(engine rumbles)
- [Tucker] Felix, what
the fuck is going on?
Where is everyone?
- [Felix] Grif, Simmons and Caboose
are up at the main compound.
- [Tucker] Well what about everyone else?
What about Sarge?
What about Wash?
- [Medic] Um, I'm gonna go.
- [Felix] Yeah, thanks, Doc.
- [Tucker] Dude, do not
fuck with me right now.
- [Felix] We had to leave them, Tucker.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Felix] Look, the Feds were closing in.
If we'd stayed any longer,
they would've taken you too.
- [Tucker] No, that's bullshit.
- [Felix] That's war, Tucker.
Not everyone makes it back.
You guys put up a good fight.
I can see why Kimball wants you.
- [Tucker] Who the fuck is Kimball?
- [Kimball] I am.
Vanessa Kimball, leader
of the New Republic,
and very glad to meet you.
I wish it were under better circumstances.
- [Tucker] Uh, yeah.
- [Kimball] Your friends
are waiting for you
up near the mess hall.
It's just north of here.
Why don't you go catch up?
We'll talk later.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
(metallic footsteps)
- [Kimball] You're not
getting paid the full amount.
- [Felix] I know.
- [Kimball] You're lucky
you're getting paid at all.
- [Felix] I know.
- [Kimball] Are they as good as we hoped?
- [Felix] I think so.
Either that or they're just really lucky.
- [Kimball] Well, they
probably don't feel very lucky.
- [Simmons] It's a small rebel army, Grif.
- [Grif] It's poor customer service.
- [Simmons] You were eating everything.
- [Grif] I'm an emotional eater.
What can I say?
- [Caboose] Tucker?
- [Tucker] Hey.
- [Grif] Sup?
- [Tucker] Man, what the fuck is going on?
- [Simmons] After you were knocked out,
we were taken to this huge cave
somewhere beneath the jungle.
- [Tucker] These guys live in a cave?
- [Simmons] They're rebels,
of course they live in a cave.
It's hidden.
- [Grif] Nah, I'm with Tucker.
I was expecting some bad-ass
snow base or something.
- [Simmons] What, why?
- [Grif] That's what
they had in Star Wars.
- [Simmons] How is that even relevant?
- [Grif] Tell me this is
not just like Star Wars.
Tell me.
- [Caboose] Tucker does
have a glowing sword.
- [Grif] Tucker has a
glowing sword, Simmons.
- [Tucker] Man, we're
really all that made it?
(somber music)
- [Felix] Hey, something's come up.
Follow me.
- [Rebel Soldier] Dude,
I'm telling you, it's them.
- [Rebel Soldier 2] Whoa.
Maybe we're not fucked.
- [Kimball] Michael Caboose, Dexter Grif,
Richard Simmons, and Lavernius Tucker.
The four of you have
traveled great distances,
retrieved ancient artifacts,
brought corrupt men to justice,
and bested the most
dangerous war criminals
this galaxy has ever known.
And now it seems fate has
brought you to our doorstep.
- [Grif] No pressure.
- [Kimball] I'm aware
that you've been informed
of our situation and I
understand your reluctance
to help fight a war that is not your own,
but we've just received word
that the Federal Army
has your friends alive
and in captivity.
- [Tucker] They're okay?
- [Simmons] What's
going to happen to them?
- [Kimball] We're not sure,
but if they're alive, it
means they can be rescued.
And it means this war may
become yours after all.
- [Grif] Ah, shit.
- [Kimball] So, I'm going
to make you a promise.
If you help us take back our planet,
we'll help you take back your friends.
And when it's all over,
you can take our best ship,
and fly as far away from
this place as you want.
I know it's not the best
offer, but what do you say?
- [Grif] Look, lady, I don't
know what you think we can do,
but I seriously doubt
we can actually do it.
- [Kimball] This war has
gone on for too long.
Too many people have died.
And our remaining soldiers are young,
inexperienced and scared.
But you give them hope.
They've heard what you've done
and they will look to you for guidance.
They will run with you into battle,
and they will follow your orders,
if you choose to lead them.
I can't do this alone.
- [Simmons] Sarge is gone, Wash is gone.
How the hell are we supposed
to do this without them?
- [Tucker] Yeah, none of us
have ever led anyone before.
- [Caboose] Well, not for very long.
- [Kimball] I know, but
you just need to try.
(acoustic guitar music and soft whistling)
(rhythmic footsteps)
- [Tucker] Hm, all right.
Let's run some drills.
- [Grif] Aw, man.
- [Caboose] And break!
♪ We've been here so long ♪
♪ Still I remember the rainy September ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ Two, four, one, 10 ♪
♪ Two, four, one, 10 ♪
♪ Am I transmitting ♪
♪ Is anyone listening ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Am I still willing ♪
♪ To foot all this billing ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ We are green and gray ♪
♪ The longness of semper ♪
♪ Still I remember ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Are we transmitting ♪
♪ Is anyone listening ♪
♪ Contact ♪
(somber music)
♪ Riding on our shiny metal horses ♪
♪ Singing a rider's song ♪
♪ One of us won't be forgotten ♪
♪ The other one's wrong ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Am I still willing ♪
♪ To foot all this billing ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ When I think of you ♪
♪ Your name's in the sky 90 feet high ♪
♪ Contact ♪
(somber music)
♪ Riding on our shiny metal horses ♪
♪ Singing a rider's song ♪
♪ One of us won't be forgotten ♪
♪ The other one's wrong ♪
(somber music)
(low pitched hum)
- [Locus] We searched
Crash Site Bravo, sir.
- [Computer] And?
- [Locus] The crate was recovered
intact and completely sealed.
- [Computer] Wonderful news.
- [Locus] However, it looks as if
they tried to blast it open.
Do you think they knew?
- [Computer] Highly unlikely.
Report back to Control as
soon as possible, Locus.
- [Locus] Are you sure keeping them alive
is the best course of action?
- [Computer] Do you feel threatened
by the simulation troopers, Locus?
- [Locus] Of course not.
- [Computer] Then we will continue
with our endeavors as
previously discussed.
Do I make myself clear?
- [Locus] Yes, sir.
- [Carolina] Good, I'll be
there before you know it.
It's been a while since
I've done one of these,
so let's get caught up to speed.
Everything can be traced
back to Project Freelancer,
a military organization
gone horribly wrong.
The men in charge were corrupt,
and the soldiers who
followed them were blind.
Guess which side I was on?
Eventually it was the
project's own creations
that tore it to pieces,
and I was the one sent
out to pick them up.
I recovered weapons,
armor, and A.I. fragments
all in an effort to keep the wrong people
from getting them first,
but I was too slow.
Everyone fought over the
remnants of Project Freelancer.
I didn't think I could
believe in anyone anymore.
But then,
I met the Reds and Blues.
- [Sarge] Hey Caboose!
- [Caboose] Hello.
- [Sarge] We've got a proposition for ya.
- [Caboose] For me?
Oh, well, you shouldn't have.
- [Wash] They had been
used by the Freelancers,
just like I had.
They were cannon fodder in
a conflict with no purpose.
But more importantly...
- [Caboose] Tucker, the
Reds gave us a proposition.
We should really send them
some sort of thank you basket,
like fruit.
- [Tucker] Proposition just
means a choice you idiot.
- [Caboose] Oh.
We will take the fuzzy one.
- [Sarge] But you don't even know
what the proposition is yet.
- [Caboose] Well then we don't know
that it isn't fuzzy then do we?
- [Wash] They were just
stupid enough to trust.
Together, we were able to
put an end to everything.
The Freelancers, the A.I.,
even The Director of the whole operation.
They're all gone.
And as for us, well,
we're ship wrecked.
Crashed during our ride home,
and if we're not rescued soon,
I have a feeling something
else might find us first.
This is Agent Washington signing-
(explosion)
Oohhh, what now?
(explosions)
- [Simmons] You missed, sir.
- [Sarge] Dag nabbit!
Who in Sam Hill set
this thing to inverted?
- [Simmons] Well sir,
statistically most users enjoy...
(Sarge grumbles)
Well eh err, it was probably Grif sir.
- [Grif] Hey, what the
fuck is going on out here?
Who's firing at our base?
- [Sarge] We are!
- [Grif] You are?
- [Sarge] Our base is in
desperate need of renovations.
Figured I'd tear down the east wing
and put in something nice and decorative.
Like a mortar cannon.
- [Grif] And it didn't occur to you
to warn me before you started
blowing holes in the side of the wall?
(explosion)
Oh, come on!
- [Simmons] Direct hit, sir.
- [Sarge] No it wasn't.
- [Wash] What are you two doing?
- [Sarge] Well if it isn't our
good friend Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Don't try to butter me up.
Also, please refrain
from pointing that at me.
- [Sarge] Fine.
- [Simmons] We were
just borrowing the tank
for a little construction work.
- [Wash] Really?
And which one of my men authorized this?
It was Caboose wasn't-
- [Caboose] Probably.
(Wash sighs)
- [Wash] Sarge, get out of the tank.
- [Sarge] Not a chance, Blue.
Possession's 9/10 of the law.
And the other tenth is a tank.
I've got both.
Besides, we need it to
upgrade our quarters.
- [Wash] Your quarters are fine.
- [Grif] Yeah, now get out
of the tank you senile old-
(explosion)
Fucking son of a bitch!
- [Sarge] Finger slipped.
- [Wash] Out, now!
- [Caboose] My turn!
- [Wash] Please, be quiet.
- [Caboose] (whispers) My turn.
- [Sarge] This is an outrage!
Blue base is built directly
below the crash site.
You've got an unfair advantage.
- [Wash] Sarge, the Reds
and Blues aren't fighting.
We're just camped at
opposite ends of the canyon
in color divided teams.
While heavily armed.
- [Sarge] True.
But have you ever considered that fighting
is just in our nature?
It's almost instinctual.
If we're not constantly
trying to stab each other
in the back, we'll surely die.
- [Wash] Dear God, I hate you.
- [Sarge] That's the spirit. (chuckles)
- [Grif] We may not be fighting,
but you're still way closer to
the food stores than we are,
and that is something
I will not stand for.
- [Simmons] You won't stand
for anything, fat ass.
- [Grif] If you were a few
feet closer, you'd be sorry.
- [Wash] If we don't ration
our food we'll all be sorry.
We've yet to get our
communications dish online,
and if we run out of food
before we can radio for help,
we're screwed.
- [Grif] Buzz kill.
- [Wash] Come on, Caboose.
We need to go have a
chat with Private Tucker.
- [Simmons] There goes the
revered leader of the Blue Army.
What a dick.
- Fine, we don't need that tank anyway.
As many great 21st century
movie trailers once said.
This is only the beginning.
And then text would appear on the screen.
And the music would cut out abruptly.
And they'd say one final line of dialog
to leave the audience with the
ultimate sense of excitement!
- [Grif] Like what?
- [Sarge] I dunno.
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] Oh shit.
(tank engine rumbles)
- [Caboose] We are back.
- [Tucker] Caboose?
Christ, I thought you were in that thing.
Wait, who is in that thing?
- [Wash] Hello, Private.
- [Tucker] Oh, shit.
- [Wash] What is the one thing
I tell you each and every morning?
- [Tucker] Wake up.
- [Wash] The other thing.
- [Tucker] For the love of God,
stop sleeping naked.
- [Wash] Don't let anyone touch the tank.
- [Tucker] (chuckles) Okay.
I can see where you're going with this.
- [Wash] Until we're rescued,
we need to be more mindful
of the supplies that we have.
- [Tucker] I know, I know ration the food,
maintain our equipment.
- [Caboose] Brush your teeth,
don't talk to strangers,
try not to shoot anyone
while they're trying to brush their teeth.
- [Wash] And always report in to me.
- [Tucker] Do we have to?
- [Wash] Yes, I even put
up that old blue team
organizational chart to
help demonstrate the point.
- [Tucker] Yeah, but we never
really listened to that.
Church just kinda shouted orders
and we'd get around to them, eventually.
Or we wouldn't, whatever.
- [Caboose] He was an
inspiration to us all.
- [Wash] Well Church and Carolina
decided to run off without
so much as a goodbye.
So it's up to me to keep us all together.
Maybe if someone hadn't
have crashed the ship,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
- [Tucker] Whoa, wait a second.
Why are you looking at
me when you say that?
- [Wash] I just have a hard time believing
that thousands of
well-trained crew members
were to blame for the incident.
- [Tucker] Well, they
definitely didn't survive it.
(Tucker laughs) Um.
- [Wash] Wow.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Wash] You proud of yourself?
- [Tucker] No.
- [Caboose] Yeah that
was, that's too soon.
Prob-probably too soon
for sound effects too.
"Meeer. Oh god help us, Kapow."
Yeah that's too soon.
(guitar strums)
- [Sarge] Absolutely unacceptable.
- [Simmons] I couldn't agree more, sir.
- [Grif] But you have no
idea what he's gonna say.
- [Simmons] Oh, right.
Yeah, just got a little excited.
- [Grif] You are the worst kind of person.
- [Sarge] Quiet morons, we've
got a situation on our hands.
- [Grif] Which is?
- [Sarge] The deplorable
condition of Red Base.
- [Grif] You're still hung up on that?
We're stranded in the middle of nowhere,
surrounded by a mysterious and
seemingly uninhabited jungle,
might I add,
and you're worried about the condition
of our makeshift fort?
- [Simmons] Besides I don't think
our base is even that bad.
- [Grif] Well, I wouldn't say that.
- [Simmons] What?
What's wrong with it?
- [Grif] Seriously?
There's an enormous hole in the roof.
Every night it rains, I
get washed into the corner.
- [Simmons] Oh, well, yeah, there's that.
But I mean, overall.
- [Sarge] And the
majority of the west wing
is made up of sand bags and rain tarps.
- [Grif] Which reminds me.
If we have rain tarps,
why aren't we using them to
cover up the hole in the roof?
- [Simmons] Listen, I think you guys
are blowing this whole thing
a little out of proportion.
- [Grif] You're just saying that
because you're the one
that designed the base.
- [Simmons] Well, I did a better job
than you would've done.
- [Sarge] That's not sayin' much.
- [Grif] I bet I could at least
do it in a better location.
- [Simmons] But this is the best location.
The sunlight is perfect for
maintaining my vegetable garden,
and the faulty engine from the ship
should keep us warm all winter.
- [Sarge] But aren't slipspace engines
extremely radioactive?
- [Grif] Well, that would explain
why my hair keeps falling out.
And why all your cabbages
have three heads.
- [Simmons] I thought I was
just really good at farming.
- [Grif] No Simmons,
you're good at other things.
Like always being on time and
maintaining your virginity.
- [Simmons] Oh yeah?
Well we'll see who's laughing
when my garden produces
a bountiful crop in the coming harvest!
- [Grif] Glad to hear
you've still got that
virginity on lockdown, buddy.
- [Tucker] 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69.
- [Wash] Tucker, you
can't keep stopping on 69.
- [Tucker] No, this time my legs went out.
- [Wash] Come on.
- [Tucker] Ohhoh, Holy Christ!
I haven't been this sore
since that bachelorette
party on Bourbon Street.
- [Wash] You want me to believe you banged
an entire bachelorette party?
- [Tucker] I want you to,
but really the groom just showed up
and cracked three of my ribs.
- [Wash] And that's what I thought.
- [Tucker] Why do we
have to train so much?
We never had to do squats
when Church was in charge.
- [Wash] Exactly.
I'd say you two have fallen out of shape,
but generally in order
to fall out of something,
you have to be in it first.
- [Tucker] Hey, that's funny.
You should try comedy, Wash.
Why make one person miserable,
when you can work over an entire room?
- [Wash] All right, time for sprints.
- [Tucker] Fuck you.
- [Wash] I want five
laps around the canyon.
- [Tucker] Die in a fire.
- [Wash] Six laps around the canyon.
- [Tucker] Hey, why
isn't Caboose down here?
Shouldn't you be making
him do dumbbell hurls
or inverted pushups or something?
- [Wash] I think he's
having one of his off days.
- [Tucker] Oh!
(guitar strums)
- [Sarge] Men, it has come to my attention
that we have been
approaching this base problem
from the wrong direction.
- [Simmons] What do you mean?
- [Sarge] I mean we've been
approaching it from the outside.
What we should have been
focusing on is the interior,
the layout is all wrong.
Upon reflection, I realized
that a man of my military expertise
requires more private quarters,
a place where I can reflect
on my vast victories.
And contemplate on my
non-existent failures.
- [Grif] Is the place called denial?
- [Sarge] Which is why I
ordered Private Grif here
to erect this new wall.
- [Simmons] Okay, I give up.
- [Grif] The sandbags.
- [Simmons] What?
That's the wall?
- [Sarge] Grif, I asked you
to give me a proper erection,
not to stiff me!
- [Simmons] So glad Donut's not here.
- [Grif] Hey, it's not like
I'm some expert carpenter or something.
- [Simmons] This isn't even carpentry.
This is stacking things
in a straight line poorly.
- [Grif] Well, it's all I could find.
So build a bridge and get over it.
- [Simmons] Hey Grif,
when I build a bridge,
should I use a few sandbags,
or you know, something fucking useful?
- [Sarge] Useful or not,
I hereby declare that
from this point forward,
this side of the wall is to be reserved
for my own personal use.
- [Simmons] Wait wait wait,
you get half of the base all to yourself?
What about me and Grif?
- [Sarge] Sorry Simmons,
afraid I can't hear you
from the next room.
These walls are just too thick!
- [Simmons] But I-
- [Sarge] Enjoy your
new roommate! (chuckles)
- [Grif] Ground rules: if
there's a sock on the door,
do not come in.
- [Simmons] We don't
have socks. or a door.
- [Grif] And I don't have
an internet connection,
but we've all gotta find
some way to masturbate,
now don't we?
(guitar strums)
- [Caboose] Sigh, groan, oh, woe is me.
Oh, I don't know what that even means.
- [Wash] Still standing
in the corner, Caboose?
- [Caboose] Oh yeah, Yeah, I just,
yeah, I just miss Church sometimes.
- [Wash] I know you do, buddy.
He was your leader for a really long time.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I am just,
I, I'm just so lost without him!
I, I don't even recognize my own face!
- [Wash] Well, you don't
have your old helmet anymore,
Caboose.
Also your helmet and face
are not the same thing.
- [Caboose] Oh, god, that
explains the blinking contest.
Why'd you have to tell me that?
Aghh, you just made it worse.
- [Wash] Look, Caboose.
I'm sure that somewhere out there,
Church is thinking about
how much he misses you, too.
- [Caboose] You really think so?
- [Epsilon] Shut up.
- [Caboose] We'll go on
adventures together,
while we ride bikes and solve crimes!
Just shut your mouth.
- [Epsilon] Shut up, shut up.
- [Caboose] And then we're
gonna go to the fair.
- [Epsilon] CABOOSE, FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE FU-
And then we're gonna finger paint.
- [Wash] Yeah.
Why don't you go for a walk?
Take a little time to clear your head.
- [Caboose] Yeah.
Yeah, I just, yeah, I'll go
on a walk by myself, I guess.
That won't be depressing at all.
Ohh, oh god.
I'm walking by myself now.
Ohhhhhh.
Ohhhhhh.
- [Wash] What am I gonna do with him?
I said sprints, Private Tucker!
- [Tucker] I'm going to
spit in your next meal!
And it's not going to be spit,
if you know what I'm talking about!
(guitar strums)
- [Caboose] Depression,
loneliness, confusion.
Slight indigestion.
Oh Church, ah, I miss you so much!
Who is supposed to be my best
friend while you are gone?
Tucker, that guy isn't
even a shade of blue!
It's like an aqua.
(metal clatters)
Hello?
Um, who's there?
Tucker is that you?
(eerie music)
Agent Washington?
Hello!
- [Echo] Hello!
- [Caboose] Oh, that was
just me, that was stupid.
(yells) Have a nice day!
- [Echo] Thanks, you too!
- [Caboose] Well, I am
a very pleasant person.
Okay, me, you can cut it out now.
This is getting a little silly.
(Caboose gasps)
Hello.
(guitar strums)
- [Wash] Tucker, in basic training,
there is a point when the drill sergeant
attempts to "break" his or her soldiers
so that they may overcome
their civilian mindset
and focus on the
responsibility and selflessness
of becoming a true soldier.
- [Tucker] Uh, bro, I went
through basic ages ago!
True soldier, standing right here!
- [Wash] What is the UNSC motto?
- [Tucker] When in doubt, rub one out.
- [Wash] I am going to
break you, Private Tucker.
- [Tucker] Ooh, I'm shaking in my armor.
- [Wash] Inside this
tunnel is an elaborate
obstacle course designed
to test both your reflexes
and your mettle.
- [Tucker] Uh, like copper?
- [Wash] No that's metal.
I said mettle.
- [Tucker] Whatever.
- [Wash] On your mark, get set...
- [Tucker] This is such-
(gun fires)
Shit, ow, okay, I'm going!
(upbeat music)
(gun fires)
Stupid fucking cones!
(barrier cracks)
Jesus Christ!
(explosion)
(guns fire)
Oh, God!
Where is this coming from?
Who are these people?
What the fuck is going on?
(Tucker pants)
(buzzer blares)
- Congratulations, Private.
That time was adequate for a beginner.
- [Tucker] I, what was? (coughs)
I don't...
- [Wash] Just an adrenaline rush Tucker.
It'll wear off.
- [Tucker] I'm, I'm...
- [Wash] Shaking in your armor?
- [Caboose] Oh boy, oh
boy, oh boy, hello, hello!
- [Wash] Caboose, glad to
see you're feeling better!
I've got a little exercise for you.
Inside this cave is an
elaborate obstacle course,
designed to...
(explosion)
(buzzer blares)
- [Caboose] Okay, that was fun!
Gotta go do stuff, don't ask questions!
Thank you, goodbye!
- [Wash] I think that's
enough training for today.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Wash] Uh, I'm gonna go
work on the Comm Tower.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
(guitar strums)
- [Simmons] Hey roomie, uh
you got a second for me?
- [Grif] Sup?
- [Simmons] Oh, you
know, not much, not much
Uh, oh, so, question for you.
- [Grif] Uh huh?
- By any chance, have
you seen my toothbrush?
- [Grif] Uh, I don't think so.
- [Simmons] Okay, okay.
Uh, you sure?
- [Grif] Yeah.
- [Simmons] Cause you know,
I'm pretty sure I saw you with it earlier.
- [Grif] Dude, you're acting weird.
- [Simmons] Hm, what?
What do you mean?
- [Grif] I mean, clearly
you're accusing me
of using your toothbrush,
but instead of just
coming out and saying it,
you're being really passive aggressive
and tiptoeing around the accusation.
- [Simmons] Huh.
- [Grif] You did the same thing
when I left the lights on.
And when I put my boots
on your side of the room.
- [Simmons] Mm-hm.
- [Grif] And I feel like
there's this constant
tension going between us,
that's inevitably going to erupt,
over what would normally be
considered a small issue.
- [Simmons] Yeah, well, you know,
I wouldn't be asking
you about my toothbrush
if I hadn't seen you with it earlier.
- [Grif] I used your toothbrush.
- [Simmons] You fuck!
- [Grif] Dude, what's wrong with you?
- [Simmons] What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with you?
You keep stacking dishes in the sink.
I don't even think you've
eaten off of some of them.
For all I know you're doing it
because you're fucking bored.
- [Grif] Wait, isn't the
sink just where dishes go?
- [Simmons] No, they go in the cupboard.
- [Grif] We have a cupboard?
- [Sarge] Hey, keep it down in there!
I'm trying to watch my stories!
- [Simmons] Sarge, please
tear down the wall.
I can't take Grif's
laziness in small spaces.
- [Sarge] I'm sorry, Simmons.
But we all have to make sacrifices.
Except for me because I'm in charge.
- [Grif] Hey, Simmons,
probably isn't the best time
to say this, but, uh,
we're out of toilet paper.
- [Simmons] What how?
- [Grif] I dunno.
(Wash clears throat)
- [Wash] I believe you
borrowed my toolbox.
- [Simmons] What do
you need a toolbox for?
- [Wash] Repairing the comm tower.
I know you three are
having fun playing house,
but I'd really rather leave this place.
- [Sarge] Playing house?
Son, this is a highly-
Whoops, forgot to use the door!
- [Wash] The toolbox?
- [Grif] Upstairs.
- [Wash] Show me.
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.
But don't touch any of my stuff.
- [Wash] Ugh, this place is a pig sty.
- [Grif] It's not a pig sty
Wash, it's a way of life.
- [Simmons] Hey Sarge, didn't we recover
an old robot building kit from the crash?
- [Sarge] Sure did,
makes a great footrest.
I like to prop my feet up
while I'm watching my stories.
- [Simmons] Well, if we were to re purpose
the robot's radio transmitter
for the Comm Tower,
we might be able to-
- [Sarge] Simmons, I'm
gonna have to stop you
before your terrible plan
becomes any more terrible.
- [Simmons] Oh.
- [Sarge] Fortunately,
I believe we may be able
to use this robot kit to
build some sort of robot!
We could put it to work
constructing a radio transmitter
and then the Comm Tower
would be fixed in no time!
- [Simmons] Well, don't you
think it would be better if-
- [Sarge] Not at all, let's build a robot!
- [Simmons] I hate them.
- [Wash] Are those my socks?
- [Grif] Yeah, but you
probably don't want those back.
- [Simmons] I hate all of them.
(guitar strums)
(tool clicks)
- [Tucker] I'm just sayin'
I feel like somebody should
have found us by now.
- [Wash] Hm.
- [Tucker] You know, it's like,
if a plane crashes and disappears,
that's fine, civilians, whatever.
- [Wash] Not sure if I
agree with you on that.
- [Tucker] But this was
a fucking spaceship.
That's like national
tragedy level important.
- [Wash] It was a big ship.
- [Tucker] And what about GPS?
The galactic positioning
system should have been able
to inform command of our location
within seconds of a Mayday.
- [Wash] How do you know that?
- [Tucker] Uh.
- [Spaceship Operator] And the
galactic positioning system
would be able to inform
command of our location
within seconds of a Mayday.
So even if the ship were to crash,
rescue would be practically immediate.
Isn't that rad?
- [Tucker] Cool, nerd stuff.
Hey, (indistinct) is it just
me or is that blonde over there
checking me out?
- [Spaceship Operator] Who, the pilot?
- [Tucker] Yeah, she's
definitely checkin' me out.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Spaceship Operator] Wait!
You can't go over there.
- [Tucker] Hey baby,
I hear you're a pilot.
Think you could pull up on my throttle?
Bow chicka bow wow.
(alarms blare)
I read it in a book.
- [Wash] I don't believe you.
Then again, I don't really care.
- [Tucker] Phew.
- [Wash] Hey.
- [Tucker] Oh-oh what? Nothing.
- [Wash] What happened
to my soldering iron?
- [Tucker] Oh, uh, I don't know.
- [Wash] Dammit, this would
be going so much faster
if I didn't have to keep
tracking down equipment
every five minutes.
- [Tucker] What, you
think the Reds took it?
- [Wash] Men, it appears
our shitty fortifications
aren't meeting my ridiculous standards!
Let's steal Washington's tank
and fire it at our walls!
That'll fix it.
Yes, I think the Reds took it.
- [Tucker] Man, why are you
so wound up all the time?
- [Wash] Because every second we're here
is another second closer to death.
Or worse.
- [Tucker] What's worse than death?
- [Wash] I dunno.
I just thought it sounded dramatic.
- [Tucker] Come on, it's not that bad.
I mean if we were back in Blood Gulch,
we'd been doing the exact
same shit, you know?
- [Wash] There's just
something about this place.
I can't help but feel
like we're being watched.
- [Tucker] Oh please.
People get that feeling all the time.
I had it for years.
- [Wash] But that's because
you were being watched!
You were monitored by
a secret organization
for every second of every day.
- [Tucker] Well, I don't feel
like I'm being watched now.
- [Wash] Thank you, I
feel much more secure.
- [Tucker] Don't be a dick.
- [Wash] Then don't be an idiot.
- [Tucker] The fuck is your problem?
- [Wash] My problem is that
you're absolutely right.
Somebody should have found us by now.
Now where the Hell is that
goddamn soldering iron?
(whistled music)
- [Caboose] Boy you're lucky I came by.
What is a little fella like
you doin' way out here?
(something cracks)
Hey, no moving.
Have to get you out of here first.
Don't worry, we're gonna be best friends.
(guitar strums)
- [Simmons] You're an idiot.
- [Grif] Am I, Simmons?
Or am I just a man who's willing
to ask the hard questions?
- [Simmons] You're definitely an idiot.
- [Sarge] You're both idiots.
Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.
- [Grif] Terminator, The
Matrix, Battlestar Galactica,
everything points to robot
domination of the human race!
- [Simmons] Well technically some Cylons
relied more on synthetic biology
and not conventional robotics,
but that was only in the series reboot.
And you know those are pretty rare.
- [Grif] Fine, then Wall-E.
It doesn't matter, I
just think it's strange
that we're not already bowing
down to our robot overlords.
- [Simmons] I'm a cyborg,
you wanna bow down to me?
- [Grif] Pass.
- [Simmons] Fuck you meatsack,
your logic is flawed.
- [Grif] You are the biggest fucking nerd.
You know that right, I
mean you really know that?
- [Simmons] You must
construct additional pylons.
Rrr-wrr-rrr.
- [Sarge] Well Optimus Prime's knuckle,
I think we're in business.
(electricity crackles)
Ladies, I would like to introduce you
to the newest addition to Red Team.
- [Simmons] Can it talk?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] You've got to be kidding!
- [Grif] Oh, come on!
- [Sarge] Huh, that is an
unfortunate coincidence.
- [Grif] Spanish.
Why is it fucking Spanish?
Why not French, or German, or Sangheili?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] (chuckles) You
know, it almost feels
like the good ol' days.
Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot,
and a couple of complete idiots.
- [Simmons] You're talking
about Grif and Donut, right?
- [Grif] Thanks, dick head.
- [Sarge] Lopez Dos-Point-O,
it's good to have you aboard.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Now get to work, slacker!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Comm tower, middle of the
canyon, Repairo, los rapido.
- [Grif] It's Spanish
Sarge, not Harry Potter.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Hm, he's not doing anything.
- [Grif] Maybe he's stupid.
- [Sarge] Robot, do you understand us?
Comprehende?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] Well, he
knows what we're saying,
so I guess he's just stupid.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Uh, poor
stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O.
Well, let's just take him
over to the comm tower.
- [Grif] Why, he's a moron?
- [Sarge] Yep, but maybe he'll end up
being like a Rainman-type moron.
We could get him one of those grey suits.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] (sighs) What a shame.
(crashing and rustling)
- [Caboose] It's alive, it's alive!
He's ali-
Aw, now it's dead.
(rustling continues)
No, it's alive again!
Oh, thank God that was close.
(soft thud)
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] Ok, how about now?
(device clicks)
- [Wash] Nothing.
- [Tucker] Hold on.
(grass rustles)
Okay, try it again.
(device clicks)
- [Wash] Still nothing.
- [Tucker] Balls.
- [Wash] Hey, what exactly
are you doing down there?
- [Tucker] Oh, you know, calibrating.
- [Wash] Calibrating.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
- [Wash] You haven't
done anything, have you?
- [Tucker] Dude, I don't
know what I'm doing,
or why you sent me down here.
- [Wash] Right.
Guess I should've expected that.
- [Tucker] Hey Wash, I
think we've got a situation.
- [Wash] What kind of-
Oh.
- [Grif] Good to see you too.
- [Wash] What do you want?
- [Sarge] Figured it be a good idea
to come over and lend a hand.
- [Wash] No, that's a terrible idea.
Please don't touch anything.
- [Simmons] But we could
provide tech support.
- [Sarge] Have you tried
using any D batteries?
- [Wash] Power isn't our problem.
These battery arrays are solar.
- [Sarge] Well there's your problem.
This baby needs to be converted
to diesel on the pronto!
- [Wash] Solar is field standard
for communication systems.
- [Sarge] Well ooh-la-la, Private Hippy!
Hey, I got an idea;
why don't we just plant a garden in?
Grow some organic sun-dried tomatoes,
and open a farmer's market.
Then on the first Saturday of the month,
when the UNSC ships show up to buy
some fresh sustainable produce,
we just hop on board and ride
back on the power of love!
- [Wash] Tucker, if they touch anything,
or if he makes any more suggestions,
prod them with your sword.
- [Tucker] Ha ha, now that's
something I can get behind!
Bowchickaboww-
Wait, no, no no no no no!
- [Sarge] Fine, well I guess
you don't want any help
from our incredibly
advanced robotic companion.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Wash] Nope.
- [Grif] Racist.
- [Sarge] Hey tree-hugger,
what if I told you
it runs on recycled cooking grease?
It's perfect.
Grif sweats the stuff.
- [Grif] What else was I supposed to drink
when we ran out of soda?
- [Simmons] There's always water.
- [Grif] Please, what are we, cave men?
- [Wash] I said no.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Tucker] Whoa, is that Lopez?
- [Simmons] Not exactly.
(whispers) This one isn't very smart.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Tucker] How can you tell?
- [Sarge] Oh, a mother knows.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Wash] Why don't you three
go check on our food supply?
It's been a while since
I've done a full inventory.
- [Simmons] You can't just
shove your bitch work on us.
What do we look like?
- [Tucker] Uh, bitches.
- [Wash] Tucker, I want 100 squats.
- [Tucker] What, but it
was leg day yesterday!
- [Wash] You are a space marine, Private.
Everyday is leg day.
- [Tucker] This is bull shit.
- [Grif] Ha, who's the bitch now?
- [Tucker] Your sister was my
bitch if I remember correctly.
- [Grif] What did you say to me, bitch?
- [Wash] No one is a bitch.
Now both of you be quiet.
- [Grif] Simmons is kind of a bitch.
- [Simmons] Hey, what the fuck?
- [Sarge] Ah, can it Private Bitch.
- [Simmons] Yes, sir.
- [Grif And Tucker] Bitch.
- [Wash] I said be quiet.
(smacks device)
(device warbles)
- [Grif] Holy shit.
- [Wash] It's working.
I-I don't know what I
did but it's working!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Lopez, you're
ruining the moment.
- [Wash] Mayday, Mayday.
This is Agent Washington.
Can anybody read me, over?
- [Grif] Maybe they're
screening our calls.
- [Simmons] What do you mean they?
Who is they?
- [Grif] I dunno, people who know us.
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Look, I wouldn't
pick up the phone
if any of you fuckers called me.
- [Wash] Mayday, mayday,
we are survivors of a shipwreck,
and are in need of immediate
rescue, please respond.
- [Tucker] Don't call
them back right away.
You gotta wait, or else
you'll look desperate,
- [Simmons] But we are desperate.
- [Wash] Everyone shut up.
- [Grif] Whoa.
- [Wash] Mayday, mayday,
this is Agent Washington
and the Red and Blue troopers
of Project Freelancer!
We are stranded, does anyone copy?
Mayday, this is Agent
Washington, I am a soldier.
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
(radio static)
- [Voice] Is someone there?
- [Wash] Yes, yes, we're
here, do you read us?
(radio static)
- [Voice] Is this a prank call?
- [Wash] No, no, no, this is real.
Please, you have to listen to me.
My men and I are shipwrecked.
- [Simmons] It's an emergency!
- [Grif] Black hawk down!
- [Sarge] Code red!
- [Voice] What, like a lightish red?
- [Tucker] What the fuck did he just say?
- [Voice] Cause I mean, red
is a pretty broad spectrum.
There's scarlet, vermilion,
like a deep burgundy.
- [Sarge] Donut, is that you?
- [Donut] Sarge?
Oh, hey guys.
What have you been up to?
- [Sarge] We're stranded
in the middle of a jungle,
with dwindling food and limited supplies.
- [Donut] That sucks.
- [Grif] No shit, dickhead!
- [Sarge] Donut, I need
you to listen to me.
You need to send help.
Call command.
- [Donut] Command?
I think I know a guy if
you want to turn this call
into a three way.
- [Sarge] No, don't do that.
I need you to write
down these coordinates.
- [Wash] Who is donut again?
- [Simmons] Cheery guy, pink armor.
- [Grif] Kind of stupid.
- [Tucker] And a little...
- [Wash] Wait, did I shoot him once?
- [Grif] Bingo.
- [Wash] Got it.
And he's competent enough
to trust with our lives?
- [Donut] Sorry, did you say five or nine?
- [Sarge] I said eight.
- [Donut] Oh.
- [Wash] Right.
Okay, Donut, those are our
last known coordinates,
but be sure to let the rescue team know
that we've got no clue
where we actually landed.
- [Donut] Don't worry guys.
No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut
always finds his man.
- [Sarge] Roger that, son.
(radio static)
- [Donut] What was that?
You're breaking up.
- [Wash] Just send help
as fast as you can.
- [Donut] Okey-dokey.
(radio static)
- [Grif] So, what happened?
- [Sarge] Well boys, I
don't want to jinx us
or anything like that but,
we're gonna be rescued!
(all cheer)
- [Simmons] I can't wait to eat a hot dog!
- [Wash] Guys.
- [Sarge] There's no possible
way anything can go wrong!
Everything is going to be good forever!
(all shout and cheer)
- [Wash] Guys, it could still
be a few days before they-
- [Sarge] : Lets eat all
the food rations tonight
and then fire all of our excess ammunition
indiscriminately into
the air to celebrate!
(all cheer)
(guns fire)
- [Simmons] Then lets
fix up that old Warthog
that's been hanging near our base!
(all cheer)
So that we can crush it
into the other warthog
because fuck it!
(all cheer)
- [Wash] Listen, let's not
get our hopes up just yet.
- [Tucker] Aw, come on, Wash, lighten up.
We did it, we made contact.
- [Wash] (sighs) Well,
it is the first good news
that we'd had in a while.
- [Caboose] Hey everyone!
- [Wash] Caboose, where have you been?
- [Caboose] Yeah, I went
on a walk like you said
and now, everything is
gonna be good, forever!
- [Sarge] Told you so!
- [Wash] Wait, Caboose,
you were miserable.
What happened?
- [Caboose] Oh, where are my manners?
I haven't even introduced him
- [Wash] Introduced who?
(upbeat music)
- [Caboose] Freckles, come! (whistles)
(heavy thuds)
Everyone, I would like
you to meet Freckles.
Freckles, say hello.
- [Freckles] Enemy soldiers detected.
- [Caboose] No, those
aren't enemies, Freckles.
Those are Grif and Simmons, our enemy.
- [Freckles] Firing main cannons.
- [Caboose] No, bad Freckles, down!
- [Freckles] Yes, master.
- [Caboose] Bad Freckles.
So, what are you guys up to?
(Grif whimpers)
- [Wash] Mayday, Mayday,
this is Agent Washington
and the red and blue troopers
of Project Freelancer.
We are stranded, does anyone copy?
Mayday, this is Agent
Washington, I am a soldier.
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
(birds chirp)
- [Tucker] So...
(gears whir)
Nevermind.
- [Wash] Caboose,
(gears whir)
Tell me again, where
did you find this robot?
- [Caboose] His name is Freckles.
- [Tucker] That's a stupid name.
(gears whir)
Stupid cool, I mean, great name.
I mean, I wish that were my name.
Yeah, Freckles is the best
name ever that there ever was.
- [Wash] Technically it's a Mantis Class
Military assault droid.
- [Tucker] Wait, why Mantis?
- [Wash] Well, you see those legs?
They kind of resemble the
legs of a praying mantis.
- [Tucker] No, they don't.
- [Wash] Then maybe it's the head shape.
- [Caboose] Yeah maybe it's because
during the act of procreation
they rip off the head of their
mate's body and devour it.
It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.
- [Wash] Ew, what?
- [Tucker] Eh, I've dated worse.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I call him Freckles
because of the spots on his nose.
- [Tucker] Well shit, I
actually have to give it
to Caboose on this one.
Robot definitely looks
more like a 'Freckles'
than a 'Mantis'.
- [Wash] Fine, where
did you find Freckles?
- [Caboose] Well I was
walking and I was sad
and I missed Church...
- [Tucker] This is the greatest
story of our generation.
- [Wash] Quiet.
- [Caboose] And then I heard a noise..
- [Tucker] Seriously,
it's like I was there.
- [Wash] Tucker!
- [Caboose] Yeah and
then I saw the little guy
under like pieces of rock and
space ship and body parts,
but I just moved those out of the way
and then there he was and now
we're best friends forever!
Right Freckles?
- [Freckles] Affirmative, Caboose.
- [Tucker] Great, boy meets dog.
Dog turns out to be a
military-grade killing machine
from a crashed spaceship.
- [Wash] Caboose, um, you know
a pet is a lot of responsibility.
- [Caboose] That is why I will water him
and I will feed him every day.
- [Tucker] Water and feed?
What the hell does this thing run?
- [Caboose] It runs on the
power of the friendship
of our love!
- [Tucker] This is so fucked up.
- [Wash] Didn't you give birth
to a baby alien a few years back?
- [Tucker] Whoa, let's not
bring family into this.
- [Caboose] So, what fun adventures
are we going to go on today, Freckles?
- [Tucker] I'm not doing shit.
We're getting rescued soon, remember?
- [Wash] Actually I
think it would be smart
if we continued with our training routine.
- [Tucker] What, why, there's no point.
- [Wash] Training is an
ongoing process, Tucker.
And as the leader of this team,
I want to make sure that
we're ready for anything.
- [Tucker] This is fucking stupid.
Nothing has happened
since we crashed here.
- [Wash] Well, you never know if someone
(voice distorts) or
some thing will attack.
So stop complaining and start jogging.
- [Tucker] And where are you going?
- [Wash] I'm heading up to the ship.
Someone needs to do an
inventory of our food supplies.
I prefer it be someone who can count.
- [Caboose] I only screwed up twice.
- [Wash] You screwed up once.
- [Caboose] Yeah, I don't see your point.
- [Tucker] So you're just
gonna leave me with them?
- [Wash] Five laps gentlemen.
Tucker, make sure you count for Caboose.
- [Tucker] Yeah, right.
- [Freckles] Disregarding a direct order
from a commanding officer
is punishable by death.
- [Tucker] What, since when?
- [Freckles] Target locked.
- [Tucker] Goddammit, okay, I'm going.
- [Caboose] And who wants to go outside?
Who wants to go outside?
Who wants to go outside?
Freckles, you want to go outside?
Outside!
Who wants to go outside?
Do I want to go outside?
Why do I want to go outside?
Lets all go outside!
Oh my god we're here!
(soft music)
I'm really good at this game.
- [Sarge] Backstabbers.
- [Simmons] Hey asshole, would it kill you
to take out the trash for once?
- [Grif] Simmons, I've been thinking.
- [Simmons] I don't care,
take out the fucking trash.
- [Grif] Why do we carry our guns?
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Our guns, why do we carry them?
- [Simmons] Because we're soldiers.
- [Grif] Yeah, but we're
not really fighting anybody,
are we?
- [Simmons] Well, yeah, but you never know
when we could be attacked.
- [Grif] Attacked by who?
The Blues?
- [Simmons] Um...
- [Grif] We haven't fought
a single god damn enemy
since arriving in this canyon,
and yet here we are walking
around in full body armor
with a rifle in our hands
like the fucking galaxy is
about to attack us any second.
- [Simmons] What's your point?
- [Grif] My point is why
don't we ever just walk around
without our guns?
Do it.
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Drop your gun.
- [Simmons] No!
- [Grif] Why not?
- [Simmons] I don't want to.
- [Grif] You don't want to, or you can't?
- [Simmons] Um, um.
I'm going back inside.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] And thus Dexter
Grif single-handedly
avoids trash duty for
a second day in a row.
Hoo-rah.
- [Sarge] Men, fall in, double time!
This is not a drill!
- [Grif] What the Hell?
- [Simmons] I knew there
was a reason we were armed.
(guitar strums)
Sarge, what's wrong?
- [Sarge] What's wrong, what's wrong?
How 'bout scheming, training, conniving,
commiserating, colluding, take your pick!
Also, building a giant robot.
Those Blues are up to no-good!
- [Grif] And here I was
thinking something important
was about to happen.
- [Simmons] But sir, didn't
we build a robot first?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Lopez 2.0 doesn't count.
He's about as useful
as a box full of Grifs.
- [Grif] Hey, I'm offended.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Men, I know we
have considered the Blues
to be our quote "allies"
unquote for some time now,
but we have to look at the facts.
- [Simmons] What facts?
- [Sarge] Number one: they
now possess a tank on legs
that's capable of killing us all.
- [Simmons] Okay.
- [Sarge] And number two
is that we didn't have
our own Number one first!
Clearly this is a conspiracy.
- [Grif] So what do you
expect us to do about it?
- [Sarge] I need you boys to
conduct some reconnaissance.
Secure intel, get deep in Charlie's bush.
Initiate Delta force, Tango and Cash!
- [Grif] Are these orders
or 80's action movies?
- [Sarge] Find out exactly what
those pesky Blues are up to.
- [Simmons] You mean go over there?
Near that monster?
- [Grif] See, this is exactly
the robot overlord shit
I was talking about!
If only someone had listened!
- [Sarge] It'll be dangerous,
but I have confidence
that at least one of you
will survive.
Simmons.
- [Grif] Why aren't you coming?
- [Sarge] We have a
major breach in security!
One of the bags in my wall tore open
and now there's sand all over the place.
- [Grif] I can see how
that might take priority.
- [Sarge] (sighs) It's likely
that we'll never fully recover.
There's just so many tiny crevices.
- [Simmons] Sarge, please, I
don't wanna upset the Mantis!
- [Grif] What's a mantis?
- [Simmons] The giant robot.
- [Grif] Oh, why's it called that?
- [Simmons] I don't
know, 'cause it's green.
That's not the point.
- [Sarge] Well that's
not a very good reason
to call it a Mantis.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Whatever dum-dum.
Can't you see we're talking strategy!
- [Grif] Stupid new Lopez.
- [Simmons] Look the Blues
are no more dangerous
than this idiot.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
But that robot could
flatten us in an instant.
- [Sarge] You raise an
excellent point Simmons.
- [Simmons] I do?
- [Sarge] Yep, so you
better not get spotted
while you're out there.
- [Grif] (sighs) Let's
just get this over with.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Simmons] But I'm telling you,
the Blues aren't up to anything.
(guitar strums)
(rapid footsteps)
- [Wash] All right, change of plans.
(birds chirp)
- [Caboose] No, Freckles,
no, Freckles, go down.
Like this!
(gears whir)
Yes, that's a good Freckles!
Yes, yes. Tucker!
Tucker did you see that?
Freckles did a squat!
- [Tucker] Great, now teach him to fetch,
and then throw a stick off a cliff.
- [Caboose] Oh, he knows how to fetch.
Freckles, Freckles, get the ball!
- [Freckles] Acquiring target.
(gun fires)
- [Caboose] Uhm, see that,
that was just, that was just
poor phrasing on my part.
Really, I mean I was just,
I think I was just grammatically...
It was grammatically incorrect.
So...
(guitar strums)
- [Grif] Alright, we made it!
- [Simmons] Yeah, so,
uh, what do we do now?
- [Grif] I guess we just watch 'em?
- [Simmons] So this is
a waste of time, right?
I mean, they're not
actually plotting anything.
- [Grif] I don't know, man.
But watching two dudes exercise
is making me feel really weird.
- [Simmons] (sighs) This
isn't getting us anywhere.
- [Grif] Well, why don't you just ask them
what they're up to?
- [Simmons] What, and blow our cover?
- [Grif] What do we look
like, Seal Team Six?
Who gives a shit, dude?
You already said they're
not up to anything.
- [Simmons] But what about the robot?
- [Grif] Oh yeah.
- [Simmons] See, we need to strategize.
- [Grif] Okay, fine.
How do we want to do this?
- [Simmons] Oh, we could do
like a sort of good cop/bad cop thing.
- [Grif] What if we act casual?
Like we're just shootin'
the shit or something?
- [Simmons] Maybe if
we go in guns blazing,
we can intimidate them into
telling us what we want.
- [Grif] Wait, what do we want?
- [Simmons] I don't know.
(Simmons yelps)
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] What are you doing?
- [Simmons] All right, listen, Tucker.
I'm willing to hear you out,
but my partner is crazy.
I can't hold him back.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Simmons] I mean, hey, what's up?
How's the weather?
No, wait, I mean, tell me what you know.
I'm sorry.
- [Grif] That's some solid
detective work there,
Officer Simmons.
- [Tucker] Yeah, so if you guys
could not watch us work out,
that'd be great.
Cause it's a little weird.
- [Grif] It's really weird.
- [Simmons] Sarge ordered
us to come spy on you.
He thinks you're up to something.
- [Tucker] Dude, the only thing
I've done today is exercise.
- [Grif] (sighs) You poor tortured soul.
- [Simmons] What are you training for?
- [Tucker] Fuck if I know.
Every day, it's the same thing.
Wake up, run drills, clean
the base, run drills,
maintain order, run drills.
I have glamorous calves and
a miserable fucking life!
Can we please stop running drills?
- [Grif] I had calves once,
way more tender than a regular cow.
You can taste the youth.
- [Simmons] Wash makes you clean the base?
- [Tucker] And our
equipment, and our vehicles.
The guy's obsessed with rules and order!
- [Grif] Ew, could you imagine
having to deal with someone like that?
- [Simmons] Rules and order, ahh.
- [Tucker] I know, right?
He's even got an organizational chart.
(Simmons gasps)
- [Grif] (scoffs) What a loser.
- [Simmons] Uhh, yeah hmmm, well uh,
that all sounds very interesting, Tucker,
but I think I need to see this for myself.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Grif] What?
- [Simmons] You know, I
just want to make sure
his story checks out, inspect the base,
stick around for a few days.
- [Grif] Checks out?
What are you going to find
that we can't already see?
That thing is completely exposed.
It's empty.
It's cleaned out.
- [Simmons] (sighs) Clean.
- [Tucker] Are you sure
you want to hang around?
Wash might make you run his
obstacle course or something.
- [Grif] Yeah, Sarge made us do that too.
- [Sarge] On your mark, get set,
- [Grif] This is such bull-
(gun fires)
Ow, why?
- [Sarge] New record.
(buzzer blares)
- [Grif] Sometimes when I
sneeze, buckshot comes out.
- [Simmons] Look, let me
just hang out for a few days.
I'll be cool, I swear.
- [Grif] Don't lie to the man's face.
- [Tucker] Whatever dude.
Just remember, I warned you.
(grass rustles)
- [Simmons] Well, Grif,
I guess this is goodbye.
- [Grif] Wait, how long are
you planning on being gone?
- [Simmons] Until the job's done, I guess.
- [Grif] And you're sure you'd
rather be near the Blues,
and their giant killer fucking robot,
instead of just coming back to base?
(floor rattles)
Hey, I think I broke the
urinal in the laundry room.
- [Simmons] We don't have a
urinal in the laundry room.
- [Grif] Oh.
(floor rattles)
- [Simmons] Yes, I'm sure.
- [Grif] Whatever your funeral.
Just remember, if a
robot ever corners you,
just stick him with a magnet.
- [Simmons] Computers haven't
been affected by magnets
since the 20th century!
- [Grif] which is exactly
what they want you to think.
(grass crunches)
- [Simmons] (sighs) Finally,
a place I can call home.
- [Caboose] Alright, Freckles, fetch!
(ball thumps)
- [Simmons] Hey Caboose,
you dropped your ball.
- [Freckles] Acquiring target.
(explosion)
- [Simmons] Ah, what did I do?
- [Caboose] Uh, yeah, sorry, yeah,
we're still working on that one!
(guitar strums)
- [Grif] Hey, where's Sarge?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(rapid footsteps)
- [Sarge] Private Grif,
I see you've returned
from your reconnaissance
mission unscathed.
That's disappointing, unacceptable.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
So, what information have you recovered?
- [Grif] Uh, that the
Blues aren't up to anything
and that you're a paranoid
old man bordering on senility.
- [Sarge] Uh huh, I'll take
that into consideration Private.
But how about we hear from
our more competent soldier?
Simmons?
- [Grif] He's with the Blues.
- [Sarge] With the Blues?
- [Grif] Yeah, he seemed really eager
to stay at their base for some reason.
- [Sarge] Well, I suppose it
was only a matter of time.
- [Grif] A matter of time?
- [Sarge] Yep, I knew this day would come.
- [Grif] Really, you knew
Simmons would eventually
wanna leave the Red Team?
- [Sarge] Leave Red Team?
Grif, are you even paying attention?
- [Grif] I mean, not really, I just, I...
- [Sarge] First they build a giant robot.
Then they capture my second in command.
It's just as I had predicted!
The enemy has finally
shown its true colors!
And that color is pound 0000FF!
- [Grif] What?
- [Sarge] Blue, blue!
It's Red vs. Blue all over again!
- [Grif] No Sarge, they didn't capture...
- [Sarge] Can you believe it?
Posing as our allies only
to stab us in the back
years after our conflict
had seemingly ended!
They've pulled off the most elaborate ruse
in the history of
simulated military combat.
- [Grif] I don't-
- [Sarge] I mean really!
How far back did they
start planning this thing?
- [Grif] You're not listening.
- [Sarge] Like, did they know
about all the Freelancers
from the beginning?
- [Grif] Sarge.
- [Sarge] And what about Church?
For years they told us he was a ghost,
but then he was an ancient
artifact or something
and there were aliens
involved I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder just how
deep this rabbit hole goes.
- [Grif] Stop.
- [Sarge] It's almost like all of this
is some sort of sick game!
- [Grif] This conversation is
starting to get a little meta.
- [Sarge] You're right.
You think he was in on it too?
- [Grif] I think you're
jumping to conclusions.
- [Sarge] And I conclude
you need to shut your mouth
and move your feet!
- [Grif] What are you gonna do?
- [Sarge] We are going to do
the Reds' signature Blood Gulch maneuver.
- [Grif] (sighs) Oh no.
(guitar strums)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Caboose] Okay Freckles, roll over!
(gears whir)
- [Freckles] Objective complete.
- [Tucker] That's cheating.
- [Simmons] Hey, Tucker!
- [Tucker] What?
- [Simmons] Do you have any
idea when Wash is getting back?
I have some suggestions regarding
the upkeep of Blue Base.
- [Tucker] I don't know, and I don't care.
- [Simmons] I've got two words
for you buddy: chore wheel.
- [Tucker] And I've got two words for you:
how 'bout fuck off?
- [Simmons] Just think about it.
Wheel of chores.
- [Tucker] I hate my life.
- [Simmons] Tucker!
- [Tucker] You know what, I take it back.
I hate everyone else's life.
Wish they didn't have them.
Oh my God, am I turning into Church?
- [Wash] Why aren't you running drills?
- [Tucker] How do you know I
didn't already finish them?
- [Wash] Because you're not on the ground
complaining about irritated nipples.
- [Tucker] I'm telling you,
my chest piece rubs right up against them.
And not in a good way.
- [Wash] Why do you refuse to
take these things seriously?
- [Tucker] Why can't you
just let us do our thing?
- [Wash] I'm trying to
make sure you're the best,
that you're ready for anything.
- [Tucker] Why?
Blue Team was just fine
with being mediocre
until you came along.
What the fuck are you worried about?
- [Wash] It's just a feeling.
I can't explain it.
- [Tucker] Really, 'cause I bet I can.
You're a paranoid ex special ops guy,
who's used to being
betrayed on a weekly basis.
Not much of a riddle, Wash.
Hey next, do you want to
figure out the mystery
of why Caboose isn't the team treasurer?
- [Wash] Oh, so we're going there.
- [Tucker] Oh, bitch, I already went there
and I took pictures.
- [Caboose] Ooooh girrrrl.
- [Wash] Well, I can't say
I'm surprised, Lavernius.
You just always have
to get the last laugh,
mister quick-witted, mister sarcastic.
If you spent as much time
training as you do mouthing off,
you could probably beat
Freckles at arm wrestling!
- [Tucker] Don't be stupid,
Freckle doesn't have arms.
He has guns.
- [Caboose] And paws!
Freckles, shake.
(gears whir)
(loud thud)
Get it?
He shakes, it's awesome.
- [Wash And Tucker] Caboose!
- [Caboose] Yeah, we're
still working on it.
- [Simmons] Oh, hey Wash.
I didn't know you were back.
- [Wash] What is, why is he here?
- [Simmons] I took the liberty
of claiming the bunk closest to you.
I hope you don't mind.
- [Wash] I don't have time
to deal with you right now.
Go away.
- [Simmons] (chuckles) Good one, sir.
Oh, hey, by the way, is it cool
if I start calling you sir?
- [Wash] Why is he still here?
- [Tucker] Beats me.
If I was him, I'd be as far
away from this base as possible.
- [Simmons] You can call
me Champ if you want.
Or you know, son.
- [Tucker] Just ignore him.
- [Simmons] Or sir, jr.
- [Wash] (voice distorted)
As long as I'm the leader
of this team, I will do
everything in my power
to ensure your safety,
whether you like it or not.
- [Tucker] We don't
need you protecting us.
- [Wash] I know, that's
why I'm trying to help you.
- [Tucker] Help us with what?
Defending against attack?
No one is going to attack us.
(Warthog engine roars)
- [Sarge] Attack!
- [Tucker] Oh you've got
to be fucking kidding me.
- [Sarge] Dammit Grif, you
forgot our theme music.
- [Grif] Oh, right.
(upbeat music)
- [Sarge] Ah forget it moment's passed.
- [Freckles] Enemy soldiers detected.
- [Caboose] Uh, good Freckles,
no murdering everyone.
(heavy thumps)
- [Grif] Uh, I would just
like to take this opportunity
to point out, that this was not my idea.
Whatsoever, at all.
- [Tucker] You have
literally the worst timing.
- [Sarge] Stow it, thin mint.
We're no longer
fraternizing with the enemy.
- [Tucker] Thin mint?
- [Grif] Now see, when he says "we,"
imagine he's only referring to himself.
Do not group us together.
- [Tucker] Bitch, my
armor's aqua, I think.
- [Wash] What the hell are you two doing?
- [Grif] Again, not two, just him.
I can't stress this enough.
- [Sarge] You made me
believe that Reds and Blues
can coexist, and we can
work together as one people,
and that we can all get
together and be a little purple.
- [Wash] We can!
We are, seriously, what
the fuck is this about?
- [Sarge] You kidnapped one of my men!
- [Tucker] Who, me?
- [Tucker] He wasn't kidnapped, dipshit.
He came over here by himself.
We can't get him to leave.
- [Sarge] Is this true, Simmons?
- [Tucker] It's not your fault, sir.
It's Grif's.
- [Grif] what did I do?
- [Tucker] You're
fucking disgusting, Grif!
- [Grif] Well, yeah, but
I've always been like that.
Sarge was the one that decided
to take half the base for himself.
- [Simmons] Oh, then I
guess it is your fault, sir.
- [Sarge] Then that makes you a traitor!
- [Simmons] What?
- [Freckles] Threat level increased.
- [Caboose] Uh, yeah, no reason for panic.
Everything's fine.
Might anyone have a rolled
up newspaper at the ready?
- [Sarge] You weren't kidnapped!
You deliberately joined the enemy!
- [Tucker] But if he wasn't kidnapped,
that would mean we were never
the enemy in the first place.
- [Sarge] Don't try to confuse
me with your words, shamrock!
- [Tucker] I'm aqua!
- [Wash] Tucker, calm down.
- [Tucker] Me?
These guys roll up in
a fucking assault jeep
and you choose to yell at me?
- [Wash] Look, tensions are high.
- [Tucker] No shit, Washington.
I'm tired of you bossing us around!
- [Wash] Now is not the time.
- [Tucker] You know, I disagree.
We were having a talk when Tweedledee
and Tweedle-fucking-idiot
decided to interrupt,
so let's finish this.
- [Wash] There's nothing to finish.
- [Grif] Are we intruding on some sort
of lovers' quarrel right now?
- [Tucker] You are the
worst thing to happen
to this team since blue boy
over there decided to show up.
- [Caboose] I'm a man, blue man!
- [Simmons] You take that back.
Wash is a great leader, I assume.
- [Sarge] Blasphemy!
- [Freckles] Deadly force authorized.
- [Tucker] Seriously, I
would rather follow Caboose
into battle than you.
- [Wash] Oh really?
Then let's just make him the leader.
See how much better off you are.
- [Caboose] Well, I humbly
accept your nomination
and accept the position.
- [Wash And Tucker] Shut up.
- [Freckles] Do not talk back
to your commanding officer.
- [Tucker] Wash and I
are having an argument.
I will be talking back to him.
That's how arguments
work, you fucking toaster.
- [Freckles] Washington is
not the commanding officer.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Wash] What?
- [Freckles] In a unanimous
decision by the Blue Team,
Caboose has been promoted to Blue leader.
Captain Caboose is now
your commanding officer.
Do not talk back to
your commanding officer.
- [Grif] Oh, fuck.
- [Caboose] Well, yep, this
is gonna be a lot of fun.
- [Wash] No, Caboose, you can't-
(gears whir)
Look, Freckles, this
is a misunderstanding.
- [Simmons] Caboose is team leader?
Fuck this.
- [Caboose] Aw, don't worry, Simmons.
As my first duty as leader
in the position of the nomination,
I say you can be on Blue Team forever!
- [Simmons] No thanks, I'm good.
- [Freckles] Private Simmons.
- [Simmons] Oh no.
- [Freckles] Deserting your
post will designate you as AWOL.
This designation is punishable by death.
- [Simmons] What?
- [Grif] Uh, hey Sarge?
Now the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.
- [Sarge] Then it's war!
- [Wash] Wait, stop.
- [Sarge] Say hello to robot
Satan, you mechanical son of a-
(gun fires)
- [Grif] Bail!
(explosion)
- [Tucker] Whoa!
- [Simmons] Sarge!
- [Caboose] Freckles, bad, bad, no!
- [Freckles] Primary threat eliminated.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Simmons] Sarge, are you okay?
- [Sarge] No, Simmons, I'm
afraid I won't be okay.
Until I exact my revenge!
- [Grif] Seriously, I am not
affiliated with this lunatic.
He does not speak for me.
(Sarge roars)
- [Freckles] Engaging target.
- [Caboose] Freckles, no!
- [Wash] Sarge, don't!
(gun fires)
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Donut] Man, you guys are really noisy.
(all shout)
Aw, you must have really missed me.
- [Grif] Donut, thank God you're here.
- [Sarge] We were just about
ready to kill each other.
- [Tucker] Speak for yourself.
- [Wash] Where's the ship.
- [Donut] What ship?
- [Wash] The ship you came here on.
The rescue team.
- [Donut] Oh (chuckles) duh!
Allow me to introduce: the rescue team!
- [Doc] Sup.
- [Simmons] Doc?
- [Wash] Wait, what is this?
- [Doc] Donut told me
you guys needed help.
- [Donut] So I got the
best help money could buy!
- [Doc] You didn't pay me.
- [Donut] And I didn't tip the pilot!
That's frugality.
- [Sarge] What pilot?
- [Donut] The pilot that
dropped us off, dummy.
- [Tucker] "Dropped you off"?
- [Grif] As in, he's not here anymore?
- [Donut] Exactly.
- [Wash] So you're telling me
that you heard our distress signal,
grabbed Doc, hopped on a ship,
and told the ship to leave,
and that's your idea of sending help?
- [Donut] What, no!
I brought Lopez, too!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Kill him!
(all shout)
- [Donut] Someone get
this maniac turquoise guy
away from me!
- [Tucker] I'm aqua!
(suspenseful music)
- [Locus] Unfortunate.
(guitar strums)
- [Tucker] This is it.
This is rock bottom.
You ever hit rock bottom before, Wash?
Well, you have now.
Cause this is it.
Can't get any lower.
- [Simmons] I wanna go home.
- [Tucker] Okay well
maybe I spoke too soon.
- [Freckles] Attention, officer on deck.
- [Caboose] Yes, yes,
hello, thank you yes, hello.
Thank you, you're welcome, yes thank you.
(clears throat) Hello.
- [Freckles] Captain, all team
members are accounted for.
- [Caboose] Well, excellent news,
Assistant Captain Freckles.
- [Tucker] Oh, my lord.
- [Caboose] Hi, it looks like
we have a new member today.
Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello.
Yes, welcome to Blue
Team, Simmons. (claps)
- [Simmons] Can I leave?
- [Caboose] It is good
to have you on board
today for the Blue Team.
(gears whir)
- [Freckles] Sir.
Awaiting mission briefing.
- [Caboose] Oh, yes,
right, oh God, right yes.
Um okay uh, yes, first
order of business is um,
uh, Wash, psst, Wa- Wash,
Washington, Washing- Washington,
Wash, Wash, Wash, Wash-
- [Wash] Yes, Caboose?
- [Caboose] What is the
first order of business?
- [Wash] We are trying to get rescued.
- [Caboose] Oh, yes, rescued!
Yes excellent, does anyone
have any suggestions?
- [Wash] (sighs) Well, we
know the communications tower
works, so we should continue
in our efforts to make contact.
- [Caboose] Ah, yes,
very good, excellent yes.
- [Wash] However, we should also work
on trying to boost the signal
of the radio transmitter.
We were barely able to maintain
a steady line of communication last time.
Even if we make contact
again there's no guarantee
anyone would be able to understand us.
- [Caboose] Ah, yes, uh- right, yes.
Yes, then we need to do that!
Tucker, go fix the radio thing!
- [Tucker] Me, why not Wash?
He's the one who built it.
- [Caboose] Tucker, because
don't ruin this, alright listen.
We're gonna keep Wash
here for another job.
- [Wash] But Caboose-
(gears whir)
- [Caboose] Yeah, I'm
thinking that you know,
uh, Washington is mean and scary,
he will be our look out.
- [Tucker] Look out?
- [Caboose] Yes, Washington, make sure
you look out for bad guys!
And anything that looks scary.
- [Wash] There's a giant
robot trying to kill me.
- [Tucker] Yeah, why can't
Freckles be our lookout?
Killing stuff is like, his
entire reason for existing.
- [Caboose] Well um, every great leader
needs a great best friend,
and Freckles, I think you
could be that best friend.
(gears whir)
- [Freckles] Acknowledged.
- [Simmons] Um, do I need to do anything?
- [Caboose] Oh my God, a Red.
Oh my, oh no sorry, sorry it's my bad.
Sorry, sorry, yes Simmons, yes Simmons
we got- we have to talk about it.
Yes, um, Simmons you do
what you, ah, normally do
for the Reds, but instead for the Blues.
- [Simmons] Uh, yes sir.
- [Tucker] Wait, what is
your job for the Reds?
- [Simmons] What do you mean?
I just did it.
- [Caboose] Okay, everybody.
Aaaaand Team!
Alright see you, bye.
(metal rattles)
- [Wash] I hope you're happy.
- [Tucker] Hey, don't pin this shit on me.
- [Simmons] I'll just stay here, I guess.
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Alright, you're all patched up.
- [Donut] I can't feel my toes.
Is that normal?
- [Doc] Let's go with yes.
- [Donut] Works for me.
- [Doc] You know, the next
time someone comes to help you,
I wouldn't really recommend
beating the crap out of them.
- [Grif] Well, the next time
somebody comes to help us,
I hope they actually bring us help.
- [Doc] Hey, I take offense to that.
- [Grif] Yeah, it's called an insult.
- [Doc] Oh.
- [Donut] So what the heck happened?
After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla,
you guys were supposed to be
going back to Blood Gulch.
- [Grif] Well, funny story.
(electricity sizzles)
- [Crewman] Oh my God, who spilled soda
all over my instruments?
- [Grif] Oh my God, I spilled my soda?
(alarms blare)
Somehow, the ship crashed,
but no one seems to know
why or how or when or-
- [Sarge] Men!
- [Grif] I didn't do it,
you can't prove that I did!
- [Sarge] It's time we took action.
- [Doc] Oh, we're not gonna
do anything violent, are we?
Remember I'm a pacifist.
- [Sarge] Yeah, but think about it:
can't spell pacifist without fist.
Which you need to throw a punch.
That always leads to fighting,
the precursor to a full-out battle.
Which is ultimately the first step
on the inevitable road to war!
Violence is unavoidable, Doc.
Time to just admit
you've got a natural-born
pacifist lust for murder!
- [Doc] (sighs) Why do I even bother?
- [Donut] Oh, come on, Doc.
Where's your sense of adventure?
We're a bunch of strapping young men
stranded in the wilderness.
If that doesn't sound like a good time,
I don't know what does.
- [Grif] I'm starting to
remember why I don't like you.
- [Donut] It's just like camping.
Who wants to help me pitch a tent?
- [Grif] Yup, there it is.
- [Sarge] Since landing in
this God-forsaken hellhole,
we've let Washington
make all the decisions.
And just look where that's gotten us:
the Warthog is destroyed;
we're running low on food;
and Simmons is being held prisoner.
- [Grif] Shit's pretty fucked.
- [Sarge] It's high time we
took matters into our own hands!
Red hands.
The days of standing idly by,
while the Blues do interesting
and convoluted things
are over!
- [Donut] All right,
it's our time to shine.
Can I get a heck yeah?
- [Sarge] Hell no.
- [Donut] Close enough.
- [Sarge] What I'm about to
propose to you gentlemen,
is in no way simple, smart,
or seemingly possible.
- [Grif] Solid pep talk so far, Sarge.
- [Sarge] There's one thing in this canyon
that's been the source
of all our problems.
If we want to get out of here alive,
we're going to have to eliminate it.
Boys, we've got to kill Freckles.
- [Doc] We don't know who that is.
We just got here.
- [Sarge] The robot.
- [Donut] You mean Lopez?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Grif] No, the giant robot
that belongs to Caboose.
AKA the thing that will fucking kill us
if we get anywhere near it.
So exactly how do you plan
on "eliminating" it, Sarge?
- [Sarge] Well if our ship was carrying
something as big as Freckles,
I figure it may have also been carrying
something big enough to break him.
- [Grif] We're going aboard the ship?
- [Sarge] We'll move in tonight.
Donut, you guard the
base while we're gone.
- [Donut] Awesome.
- [Wash] Hey, you guys haven't seen
anything suspicious around, have you?
- [Sarge] Suspicious?
Why whatever do you
mean, Agent Washington?
- [Wash] Nothing, just doing my job.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] Nice save,
Sarge, very convincing.
- [Sarge] (chuckles) Thank you.
(wind whooshes)
- [Pilot] Hey can I
get some fuel on three?
- [Voice] You got it.
- [Pilot] Thanks.
Hey uh, I'm not really from around here,
but uh, do you know about
that crashed spaceship?
- [Voice] Spaceship?
- [Pilot] Yeah, I just
dropped off a couple of guys
who saw it in the middle of a canyon.
It's big.
Like, really big.
- [Voice] No, I can't
say I've heard of it.
- [Pilot] Really?
Oh man.
I mean, someone should report that, right?
- [Voice] Well, that's up to you.
- [Pilot] Yeah, it was pretty bad.
You got a phone I could use?
- [Voice] Sure, right behind you.
- [Pilot] Thanks.
(gun fires)
(guitar strums)
- [Locus] Just so you're aware,
no-one's gonna find your ship either.
(gun fires)
(guitar strums)
Control, this is Locus.
Objective complete.
Returning to Crash Site Bravo.
(birds chirp)
- [Tucker] This blows.
I don't know the first thing
about fixing intergalactic space radios.
- [Simmons] Uh huh.
- [Tucker] Every movie that I've ever seen
with a repairman on it always glosses over
the actual repairing part.
It's just, "Hey lady, I'm
here to lay some pipe"
and then bam, two scoops of raisin!
- [Simmons] Uh huh.
- [Tucker] Dammit woman!
If you let the man do his job,
then maybe we would not be in this mess.
- [Simmons] Hey Tucker,
what the fuck is this thing?
- [Tucker] It's a gravity lift.
You step on it and it takes you upstairs.
- [Simmons] I know that.
What the fuck is it doing here?
- [Tucker] It's glowing and goes (hums).
- [Simmons] So, let me get this straight.
We're survivors of a shipwreck,
living off of the bare necessities,
and in the middle of the room
is this incredible feat
of modern-day technology.
- [Tucker] I dunno, Wash
found it on the ship
and so we put it on the base.
What's so weird about that?
- [Simmons] It's like finding
a car made out of rocks,
plastic and a Bluetooth radio.
- [Tucker] Oh, we got that too.
Siri, play song dance theme.
(Siri chimes)
- [Siri] Did you mean bomb, Andy?
- [Tucker] Aw, piece of shit.
- [Siri] Calling bomb, Andy.
- [Simmons] How are you
able to power all of this?
- [Tucker] We're hooked up to the ship.
- [Simmons] You mean
you have a direct line
to a limitless power supply?
- [Tucker] Well, no, we'll definitely
run out of fuel eventually.
Just not anytime soon, so who cares?
Take as much as you want.
- [Simmons] God bless the American way.
- [Tucker] What are you gonna do?
- [Simmons] Just a side project.
(lift whooshes)
- [Wash] Hey, Caboose.
I've secured the perimeter.
No bad guys to be found.
- [Caboose] Excellent
work Commander Washington,
I admire your determination!
Why, maybe someday you could
be the leader of Blue team!
- [Wash] Yes, maybe someday.
- [Caboose] Now, I have
a very important question
for you Washington!
- [Wash] Okay.
- [Caboose] Um, d'ya think
Freckles would look silly
in a hat?
Possibly a sombrero?
- [Wash] You want to dress
your pet up in people clothes?
- [Caboose] To boost
the moral of the troops!
- [Wash] You know, I just remembered
I haven't checked for
any bad guys on the ship.
- [Caboose] What?
Washington, what are you even doing here?
There could be bad guys
plotting against us right now!
- [Wash] You're right, sorry boss.
I'll take care of it right away.
- [Caboose] Ya'know some
people are just not cut out
for military life Freckles.
Now let's go make you that tiny hat.
- [Tucker] Thanks Wash, really
looking out for your team.
(device beeps)
- [Andy] Hey, you've reached the voicemail
of "Andy the Bomb."
- [Tucker] Siri, hang up.
(guitar strums)
- [Felix] Holy shit.
It's actually them.
(twig snaps)
Oh no.
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Ya know, for a shipwreck,
this place actually looks pretty nice.
- [Grif] You should see the other half.
- [Doc] Why, is it bad?
- [Grif] We don't know,
it landed somewhere else.
- [Doc] Yeah, that's pretty bad.
Hey, did you guys ever watch Lost?
- [Sarge And Grif] Shut up!
- [Sarge] Alright, men.
Fan out and see what you can find.
Remember we're hunting the most
dangerous prey of them all.
- [Doc] Man?
- [Sarge] What?
No, giant robot.
- [Doc] Oh yeah.
- [Sarge] Pfft Man.
Everything kills man.
Man's way down on the list.
Right between Koala and retarded Koala.
- [Grif] Yeah, man sucks.
(metal rattles)
- [Grif] Hm.
(weapon fires)
What the fuck?
(device beeps)
Huh.
(device beeps)
- [Doc] Hm.
(shot pings)
Ow!
- Boosh, headshot!
- [Doc] Grif, what the heck, man?
- [Grif] Ah, don't be a bitch.
- [Doc] What is this?
- [Grif] Beats me.
Wanna try?
There's a whole bunch in the corner.
- [Doc] I'm not sure, you know
how I feel about firearms.
- [Grif] Come on, they don't do anything.
They just stick.
- [Doc] Let me think about it.
(device beeps)
Okay.
- [Sarge] Hey, this ain't
a tea party, numb-skulls!
Get ridda' those toys a get back to work.
- [Grif] Fine.
- [Doc] Aw, man.
- [Sarge] And take that
stupid thing of you head.
- [Doc] Okay.
(device clatters)
I never get to do anything cool.
(explosion)
- [Sarge] You'd better not be
breaking things down there!
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Hm, according
to the ship's records,
it was carrying a lot of
standard issue weaponry,
but it also has a bunch of
stuff listed as experimental.
- [Grif] Oh, that's military slang
for really fucking dangerous.
Where's that stuff?
- [Doc] Uh, it looks like most of it
was on the other half of the ship.
- [Grif] Boo.
- [Doc] But there is one
prototype that was kept here.
- [Grif] Yes!
(gears whir)
The fuck are these?
- [Doc] Looks like some
kind of weird grenade.
Or it could be a Rubix cube, I dunno.
- [Grif] Huh.
- [Doc] Ahh, what are you doing?
- [Grif] Trying it out.
(device sizzles then whooshes)
Whoa!
- [Doc] You could have killed us.
- [Grif] Did you see that?
- [Doc] You can't just go around
messing with experimental-
Stop doing that!
(device crackles then whooshes)
- [Grif] Dude!
- [Doc] What is wrong with you?
- [Grif] These things are
like teleporter cubes.
- [Doc] Be careful.
We don't know how they work.
- [Grif] Waddya mean?
Throw it at a thing, thing disappears.
Throw another one, thing reappears.
I could keep an entire buffet
in the palm of my hand !
- [Doc] Really?
That's what you're excited about?
- [Sarge] Men, upstairs, now!
- [Doc] Coming!
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] Oh, I am taking these.
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] Sarge, you'll
never guess what we found.
- [Sarge] Son, you could've found
a laser-guided napalm shark.
And I still wouldn't care.
- [Doc] What?
- [Sarge] Ya know that feelin' you get
when you see a pretty girl
on the first day of school?
You're not quite sure what to do,
but your instincts just take
over and you smile at her.
And she smiles back.
And suddenly the world's
a brand new place.
And your stomach is all
full of twists and twirls?
- [Doc] Um, yeah?
- [Sarge] Well boys, I got
that feeling right now.
(dramatic music)
- [Grif] Holy shit.
- [Sarge] Except imagine
that pretty girl at school
is armor plated with a titanium poly-alloy
and outfitted with fifty millimeter canons
and ammo for days!
- [Doc] Sounds pretty high maintenance.
- [Grif] She sounds like I
need a safe word to date her.
- [Sarge] Oh yeah.
- [Doc] So how do we
get it out of the ship?
- [Grif] Uh, teleportation cubes, anyone?
- [Sarge] No, a girl this
fine's gotta be treated right.
Whiled up and whatnot.
We'll take her apart and move
her ourselves limb by limb.
Packed away in carrying
cases if necessary.
- [Doc] Yeah, I think your dating metaphor
kind of took a turn
into serial killer territory there, Sarge.
- [Grif] Seriously, I just found
these awesome future cubes.
It's destiny.
(metal clatters)
- [Sarge] What was that?
(metal rattles)
- [Doc] Agent Washington?
- [Grif] What the hell is he doing here?
- [Sarge] Doesn't matter.
Let's just dismember this beautiful lady,
pack her up, and take
her back to our lair.
I mean base.
- [Grif] Could you please stop
referring to the robot as a woman?
It's really weird.
- [Sarge] Not as weird
as the throbbin' erection
she's givin' me.
- [Grif] Jesus Christ.
(tools clatter and whir)
(soft music)
- [Wash] Hmm, needs a conductor.
(crate rattles)
Stupid thing, just open.
(gun fires)
There we go.
(rapid footsteps)
(sighs) Never thought
it'd come down to this.
Sorry, Caboose.
(tool hisses)
(guitar strums)
What is all this?
- [Simmons] It's the future.
- [Tucker] Where the hell have you been?
- [Wash] I've been doing
what I can to keep us alive.
- [Tucker] Oh really?
Then where were you when
Freckles tried to kill me
for calling his tiny hat stupid?
- [Wash] I thought you didn't need me
protecting you, Tucker.
- [Simmons] Hey, guys, I'm
trying to revolutionize
the world of inter-canyon communication.
So if you could keep it
down that'd be great!
- [Wash] What is he talking about?
- [Simmons] I'm talking
about the internet.
(computer trills)
- [Computer] Welcome!
- [Tucker] Oh my God, everybody leave.
Everybody leave right now.
There is something I gotta do.
- [Wash] The internet?
- [Tucker] Seriously,
you're gonna see some shit
if you don't leave.
- [Simmons] Well, it's
not actually the internet,
the only two points of
communication are Red and Blue base.
- [Tucker] Why would
you lie to us like that?
- [Wash] You put one of
these at Red Base, too?
- Yeah, I had to sneak past Freckles,
but it was totally worth it.
- [Tucker] Why?
- [Simmons] Behold!
- [Tucker] Basebook?
- [Simmons] Yep, it's a site
that lets you upload pictures,
videos and even text posts
so that your friends always
know what you're up to.
It's revolutionary!
- [Wash] Revolutionary?
The first social media sites were created
hundreds of years ago.
- [Tucker] Also, there are
no friends in this canyon.
Only forced acquaintances.
- [Simmons] Yeah, but those old sites
just turned into conglomerations
of attention whores.
Nothing but teenagers who
wanted to prove they were cool
and old people who wanted to
prove they were still relevant.
- [Tucker] So what's
the point of Basebook?
- [Simmons] Oh, you know,
just want to keep in touch
with my friends on the red team
While I'm your prisoner.
Can't let them forget about old Simmons.
(Simmons laughs then sobs)
- [Wash] Glad to see you spent your time
in captivity on something meaningful.
- [Tucker] So you made it, what now?
- [Simmons] I'm glad you asked.
Let's see what Sarge is up to.
Uh-huh, hasn't set up his profile yet.
Well, that's cool.
We'll just wait for an update.
Yeah, I'm sure it'll come eventually.
He's got to have an update.
(laughs) Updates.
- [Wash] You know, maybe
you should go outside
for a bit, Simmons.
I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind
if you got some fresh air.
- [Simmons] No no, it's all good, really.
I'll just save Sarge some time
and make a profile for him!
Yeah, that'll be fun.
I'll do a post about it, too.
Y'know, just so he knows.
- [Tucker] Hope you like
the new Blue team, Wash.
Really worked your magic.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Caboose] 'Kay, okay, don't move!
I gotta get my camera!
- [Freckles] Holding position.
- [Caboose] Oh my god
this is gonna be so cute!
- [Simmons] Hey, Wash.
Could you take a picture
and then tag me in it?
'Cause if I do it myself
I'll just look like one of those losers.
(Wash sighs)
(guitar strums)
(metal clangs)
- [Donut] All right, spread 'em!
- [Doc] Hey, Donut.
- [Donut] Oh, it's you guys.
What took you so long?
- [Doc] It's not exactly easy
transporting several tons
of robot in a timely manner.
I think Grif even dropped a
bunch of pieces along the way.
- [Grif] There's a
difference between dropping
and abandoning.
- [Sarge] What?
Droppin' pieces!
Grif, if I find that a
single screw is missing
from this death machine,
I'm gonna beat the living pulp out of you
and then drink the remaining orange juice!
'Cause I like my dead men pulp free.
And with extra calcium, if available.
- [Grif] What if I lost multiple screws,
or several feet of armor plating?
- [Donut] Giant robot fight here we come!
This is gonna be awesome!
Fighting fire with fire, good idea, Sarge.
- [Grif] I still say we just trap Freckles
in a future cube.
- [Doc] You actually took
one of those with you?
- [Grif] Technically, yes.
(cube whooshes)
But actually, no.
It's a cube that makes more cubes.
- [Grif] No, they teleport stuff.
Watch this.
Fucking cone, what did you ever do for me?
(cube whooshes)
- [Donut] Whoa.
- [Grif] Nah, I'm just kidding, cone.
You can come back.
(cube whooshes)
- [Donut] They're like Poké Balls!
- [Grif] No, these are cool.
Do not ruin them for me.
- [Donut] Or maybe they send
stuff to the phantom zone.
You know, like in that bad Superman movie.
- [Doc] You mean Superman
2 or Man of Steel?
- [Donut] No the eleventh remake.
Superman Origins 3: Revelations!
- [Doc] Oh, yeah, that one's awesome.
- [Grif] Sarge, look.
Let's just send Donut to Blue
base with one of the cubes.
He throws it at Freckles.
Freckles gets zapped.
And then we just throw the
cubes in a volcano or something.
- [Donut] Why do I have to do it?
- [Grif] In case it doesn't work.
I want to be alive.
- [Donut] Makes sense.
- [Doc] But we still don't even know
how the teleportation cubes work.
What if they're extremely radioactive,
or what if they only work
on inanimate objects?
- [Grif] Robots are objects.
- [Sarge] Hey, you're gonna
hurt some feelings here.
Don't ever talk like that
in front of my robot.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Nobody's talking to you, idiot.
- [Doc] I just think we
should run some tests first.
- [Grif] But tests are hard.
- [Sarge] Well if it keeps
you morons away from me
so I can work, I say go for it.
- [Grif] Seriously?
- [Sarge] You can either test the cubes
or you can test this thing's
primary defense systems.
- [Grif] What do I have to do for that?
- [Sarge] Just stand still and wait
for the sweet embrace of death.
- [Grif] Okay, yeah, I'm leaving now.
- [Donut] Ooh, I'm gonna update
my Basebook page about this.
- [Doc] Your what?
- [Donut] Oh, Doc, you're gonna love it.
You should see the photo
Caboose just uploaded.
It's hilarious!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] Psst, hey!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- Yeah, you, brown guy, over here.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] Hey, don't move, just listen.
You and your friends
are in a lot of trouble.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] I'm gonna get
you guys out of here, okay.
But listen, you gotta sit tight
for just a little while longer.
I'm not the only one that
has their eyes on you.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Felix] I gotta go.
Look, I know you people
can fend for yourselves.
Just be careful.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Hm, you talkin' to me?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Dos point oh, why don't
you quit your yappin'
and make yourself useful.
Can't you see I'm tryin'
to build your replacement?
I mean, um, I'm trying' to build your,
well, yeah, he's pretty
much your replacement.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(guitar strums)
- [Donut] Pretty neat, huh?
- [Doc] So, who uses this?
- [Donut] Mainly just Simmons and Caboose.
Oh, wait, it looks like
Sarge has a profile now.
Like.
- [Doc] And you just talk about yourself?
- [Donut] You can post
pictures and stuff too.
I've been downloading this
picture of Freckles for a while.
(computer beeps)
- [Doc] How long has that been going for?
- [Donut] Eh, just a few hours.
- [Doc] You spent hours
of our limited energy
just downloading a single picture?
- [Donut] It is a very
high quality picture.
(computer beeps)
- [Doc] Well, you can't argue with that.
So is this all you did while
we were out last night?
- [Donut] Nope!
I cleaned this base from top to bottom.
It was the least I can do
to make it more presentable.
I did the dishes, swept
the sand off the floor...
- [Doc] Wow, did you clean Grif's room?
- [Donut] Grif has a room?
- [Doc] Well he, and Simmons
share that side of the base,
but Grif's stuff overflowed onto the roof.
- [Donut] Oh, let me take a peek.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Doc] Oh my gosh, if this
post gets over 10,000 likes,
Basebook will pay for a
rescue team to come save us.
(Donut screams)
I know it sounds too good to be true.
(upbeat music)
- [Donut] Dexter Grif!
- [Grif] Huh?
- [Donut] I can't live in this base
with the way you've been treating it!
The layout is all wrong, the
color palette is atrocious,
and the garden doesn't
even have flowers in it,
just vegetables.
Also, I think someone
tried to plant candy corn
at some point!
- [Grif] (clears throat)
I wonder who did that.
- [Doc] How's the testing going?
- [Grif] Well, Doc, after
countless experiments
I determined that the teleportation cubes
are still fucking awesome.
All other data has been inconclusive.
- [Doc] Grif, I really think
we shouldn't be messing with these.
They could be dangerous.
We can't just keep throwing
them around all Willy nilly.
- [Donut] Gimme that.
- [Grif] Hey!
(cube whooshes)
My stuff!
- [Doc] Nice arm.
- [Donut] There, if you're
not responsible enough
to clean your room, then
you can just say goodbye
to everything that was in it.
- [Grif] Oh, man.
(computer beeped)
- [Simmons] Hey, someone liked my post!
Things are sure looking
up for Private Simmons!
What the?
(device whooshes)
(screams) No!
(guitar strums)
- [Wash] What are you doing?
- [Tucker] I'm fixing
(bangs) the radio! (bangs)
- [Wash] By beating it with
the butt of your rifle?
- [Tucker] It worked for you.
- [Wash] But that was-
- [Tucker] You know what?
Why don't you just come over
here and do it yourself?
- [Wash] Try connecting me
antenna port to the amp.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Grif] If you increase
the input voltage,
that will just fry the radio.
But if you were to transmit
it through an amp...
- [Tucker] All I hear are words
that would get me beat high school.
- [Wash] Tucker, I'm being serious.
- [Tucker] Oh my God,
stop the fucking presses.
Agent Washington is being serious.
- [Wash] If you just listen
to me, you can do this.
- [Tucker] Well, I don't want to do this.
You ever think of that?
All I want to do is stand
around and talk to my friend,
but he's gone now.
And all I've got is you.
- [Wash] What?
- [Tucker] It's fucking bullshit.
- [Wash] (sighs)
Did you know I was one of the
worst freelancers in my squad?
There was Agent York,
our security specialist,
Agent North, the sharpshooter,
Carolina was an expert in martial arts,
and Tex was well, you know Tex.
- [Tucker] Cool story, bro.
- [Tucker] I was known for
getting a grappling
hook stuck to my balls.
- [Tucker] Okay, where
are you going with this?
- [Wash] Church was your leader for years.
You guys knew each other inside and out.
- [Tucker] Dude, don't
phrase it like that.
- [Wash] But I'm new to all of this.
I've never really had
to lead anybody before,
but when Church and Carolina disappeared,
I didn't have a choice.
I had to try.
- [Tucker] Well, there's your problem.
You try too hard, man.
I mean, Church wasn't
the best leader ever,
but he never made us run laps
or do pushups or anything.
He just took the blame
whenever shit went wrong.
That was pretty much it.
- [Wash] Well, we're shipwrecked,
low on food and have to do
whatever Caboose tells us
or we'll be killed by a robot.
- [Tucker] Sounds like
you really fucked up.
- [Wash] Yeah.
Kinda looks that way.
- [Tucker] But I guess you
weren't really our leader
when the ship crashed.
So you don't have to take
the blame for that one.
(engines power down)
- [Spaceship Operator] Whoops.
- [Wash] Sorry, knocked
the cable out of the wall.
Hope that wasn't important.
(alarms blare)
(chuckles) I'll take some of the blame.
- [Tucker] Whatever.
- [Wash] So are you going
to fix his radio or not?
- [Tucker] Well, when I
started the radio was working,
but the signal wasn't strong enough,
and now it's just not working.
- [Wash] It sounds like
you really fucked up.
- [Tucker] Don't be a dick.
- [Wash] You're a capable soldier, Tucker,
at least compared to
your usual acquaintances.
You just need to try.
- [Tucker] Oh.
- [Wash] What?
(device clicks)
- [Tucker] It was just turned off.
- [Caboose] Attention
Blue team! (echoes fade)
- [Wash] Uh, yes, captain?
- [Caboose] Ah, I know
we all said we wanted
to fix the radio, and that
was really important...
to fix the radio and
the tower and all that
is really important...
- [Wash] We'll probably
die if it's not repaired.
- [Caboose] But I really need you guys
to go back to Blue Base
and kind of clean up.
- [Tucker] Clean up what?
- [Caboose] Garbage and robot parts
and gross socks all over.
Simmons, yeah um, Simmons
actually won't stop
rocking back and forth in the corner
and it's kind of um, it's
kinda freakin' me out.
- [Wash] And you're
sure you mean Blue Base?
- [Freckles] Do not question
your commanding officer.
- [Wash] Okay, okay, we'll
be there in a few minutes.
- [Caboose] Assistant
Captain best friend Freckles,
initiate piggyback sequence!
(gears whir)
(robot stomps)
- [Tucker] You realize
we're all going to die
because of him.
- [Wash] Tucker, I need
you to head back to base
and do what you can.
I'm going up to the ship.
- [Tucker] You're leaving me again?
What the fuck do you need
to go to the ship for?
- [Wash] I found something.
I just need you to buy me some time.
- [Tucker] Why, what are you gonna do?
- [Wash] Hopefully, I'm
going to put a stop to this.
(guitar strums)
(dramatic music)
- [Locus] You four, with me.
We're going hunting.
(guitar strums)
(guitar strums)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Hey, Lopez's, why don't you two
come over here and give me a hand?
I keep havin' to get on my
knees to work on this thing,
but I figure it'd be
easier if you just held it
at chest level instead.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(chuckles) Lopez, you ol' kidder you.
Now come on, time's a wastin'.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(chuckles) Oh, don't tell me
he's got you in on it too.
(chuckles) Lopez you are rambunctious.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
It is a lovely day, isn't it?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Thank you for noticing, I
have been hitting the gym.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(chuckles) You guys are like
a couple of three stooges.
Well, whenever you're done goofin' off,
head on over, I just need to
make a few more adjustments.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(guitar strums)
(gravel crunches)
- [Wash] Here goes nothing.
(Freckles stomps)
- [Freckles] Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Oh, Freckles,
I didn't see you there.
Man, for a behemoth, you hide really well.
- [Freckles] You have
failed to uphold your duty
to Captain Caboose.
- [Wash] But I was on my way up now.
Ready to clean the base.
- [Freckles] You lack
diligence, Agent Washington.
- [Wash] What?
- [Freckles] You question
authority, Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Um, Caboose,
can you come out here?
- [Freckles] You must be
eliminated, Agent Washington.
- [Wash] Caboose!
- [Caboose] Hello?
- [Wash] Your pet is trying to kill me.
- [Caboose] What?
That does not sound like Freck...
Hey Freckles, Freckles what are you doing?
- [Freckles] Agent
Washington has failed to meet
the minimum requirement
of Blue Team service
and is no longer fit for duty.
He must be eliminated.
- [Caboose] See, he's just
doing what he just said.
- [Wash] Caboose, please come
here, I need to talk to you.
- [Caboose] Agh, probably wants to talk
about what an awesome leader I am.
(Wash clears throat)
- [Caboose] Yes, hello,
what seems to be the
problem Agent Washington?
- [Wash] (sighs) I'm sorry Caboose.
I'm sorry your best friend left
you without saying goodbye.
Maybe
(somber music)
he thought you would try and stop him,
or maybe it was just too
hard for him to tell you
but, no matter the
reason, he's still gone.
He left you, both of you.
I don't really do emotional things
and I hoped you might
be able to get over this
by yourselves so I left you alone,
and instead of coming to
terms with what you lost,
you replaced it with, well,
the first thing you found.
But I should have been there
for you Caboose, (sighs)
because, that's what
friends do for each other.
- [Freckles] Captain
Caboose is not your friend,
he is your commanding -
- [Caboose] Uh, no we're
all friends here Freckles,
it's, you know.
- [Wash] That's right, and as your friend
I want to say that I'm sorry.
I know it's not much, but I made you this.
- [Caboose] Oh my God, my old helmet!
- [Freckles] Captain Caboose,
you should return to your duties.
- [Wash] I know you really
like Freckles, Caboose.
But you have to understand
that he's very dangerous.
He's not a puppy anymore.
A kitten? Or...
He's really big.
- [Caboose] Yeah, he blew up a car.
- [Wash] I remember that.
- [Caboose] Freckles, you-
you're one of the best machines I know.
And that is saying something
because I have been friends
with a lot of machines.
But, from now on,
I think you should listen
to Agent Washington.
- [Freckles] Are you sure?
- [Caboose] Yeah, yeah he's
very smart and really nice.
- [Freckles] Acknowledged.
- [Caboose] You can be leader
again if you want to, Wash,
it's not as much fun as it looks.
I think I'm more like the dashing
second in command kind of person.
Y'know, all the perks no work.
- [Wash] Thank you, Caboose.
- [Simmons] (sniffles) I wish
my team was this emotional.
- [Tucker] Jesus Christ.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Caboose] Ah, it fits perfect!
And look, someone left some gum!
- [Tucker] Pretty sneaky, Wash.
A couple of mushy words, a present,
and you're right back up at the top.
- [Wash] Nothing sneaky about it.
I meant every word.
(loud click)
- [Caboose] Uh oh, I,
I can't see anything.
Hello?
- [Tucker] I think you still need
to work on your craftsmanship, though.
- [Caboose] Oh my God, I'm blind.
- [Wash] One step at a time, Tucker.
- [Caboose] Uh, can people see me?
I can't see them!
- [Tucker] Well, at least we don't have
a killer robot to worry about anymore.
(engine revs)
- [Sarge] (laughs)
Listen to that lady purr!
- [Donut] Nice work, Sarge.
- [Grif] Nice work?
It looks like shit.
It's half the size, and on fire.
- [Sarge] Yeah, it turns out
we were missing some pieces.
Which reminds me. (punches Grif)
Donut, get me a glass.
I'm makin' orange juice.
- [Grif] Every time.
- [Donut] Getting a
jump on the flu season!
Good thinking, sir!
- [Doc Wait, That's a Thing?
(gears whir)
- [Cyclops] Cyclops online.
- [Sarge] Huh, I knew
she was a beautiful lady.
- [Grif] Cyclops?
- [Doc] Huh, looks more
like a praying mantis to me.
- [Donut] No, she said C C Cyclops.
I think it's Italian.
- [Cyclops] E-e- error,
h-hardware malfunction.
- [Sarge] Welcome to Red Team, C.C.
Now if you can-
- [Cyclops] Enemy soldiers detected.
- [Grif] Uh, is it supposed to do that?
- [Sarge] I admire your enthusiasm, C.C.,
but you've only got one enemy.
It's a big robot over at-
- [Cyclops] Negative.
Motion tracker detects 16 hostiles.
- [Sarge] Wait, what?
- [Cyclops] D-d-deadly force authorized.
- [Doc] I'm no hostile, I'm a pacifist.
Kill them.
- [Grif] Hey!
- [Cyclops] Eng-gaging...(powers down)
- [Sarge] Damn, she ran out of diesel.
- [Doc] You converted it to diesel?
- [Sarge] Of course.
Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
- [Grif] Fuck that, she needs
to be thrown off a cliff.
- [Sarge] I don't see how
that's gonna solve the fuel problem.
- [Donut] Hey guys, there's
11 of us in the canyon.
- [Grif] Wow, Donut,
that's one more than ten.
Good job buddy.
- [Sarge] I don't know if
I'd really count Lopez.
- [Donut] But, she said 16.
(distant gun fire)
- [Grif] Oh, shit.
(dramatic music)
(guns fire)
- [Tucker] Who the fuck are these guys?
- [Caboose] Why are we
shooting off fireworks?
Is it someone's birthday?
- [Wash] Freckles, cover Caboose!
(Caboose sings Happy Birthday)
- [Simmons] Stop shooting, we're friendly!
That's the opposite of what I said!
- [Tucker] Fuck this. (shoots)
(soldier crumples)
- [Wash] Wait, we don't know who they are!
- [Tucker] They're the
guys that are gonna kill us
if we don't kill them first!
- [Wash] Freckles, take 'em out!
- [Freckles] Engaging targets.
(explosions)
Primary threat eliminated.
- [Sarge] What in Sam Hill
is goin' on over here?
- [Grif] Who are those guys?
- [Wash] We don't know.
- [Tucker] They showed up
and just started shooting.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Shut up, Lopez,
this isn't the time for jokes.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Wash] Lets move inside.
We need to find cover in case
there's more hiding out in the -
- [Felix] Run!
(gun fires)
- [Simmons] Look out, it's another one!
(gun fires)
- [Felix] Son of a bitch!
- [Simmons] No, wait, I'm confused.
- [Felix] What are you doing?
I said, run!
- [Locus] Excellent work soldiers.
You killed my men.
I suppose that makes you the real deal.
- [Simmons] Okay, now I'm really confused.
- [Locus] Quiet!
All of you, come with me.
- [Wash] And why would we do that?
- [Locus] Because if you don't come now,
I'll have to take you, later.
- [Felix] Fuck off!
- [Locus] You, shut your mouth
and be glad I missed your head.
- [Felix] Oh my God, you
are such a douchebag.
- [Tucker] Yeah, what he said.
- [Locus] This is your last chance.
- [Wash] Freckles!
(Freckles stomps and fires)
(explosion)
- [Grif] Holy shit, did you see that?
- [Caboose] No!
What happened?
Please describe it to me!
Use only small words!
- [Felix] Um, any of you
know how to patch up a leg?
- [Doc] I'll go get some orange juice.
- [Felix] Wait, that's a thing?
(guitar strums)
- [Doc] There, good as new.
- [Felix] I can't feel my toes.
- [Donut] That's normal.
- [Felix] Is it?
Hey, whoa!
- [Wash] You need to start talking.
- [Felix] Aggressive, paranoid
and a little melodramatic.
You must be Agent Washington.
- [Tucker] Ha, melodramatic!
- [Felix] And that means the rest of you
are the Reds and the Blues.
- [Caboose] Oh my God,
how does he know that?
- [Grif] We're wearing red and blue armor.
- [Caboose] But how can he tell?
- [Grif] Will somebody
please fix his helmet?
- [Wash] How do you know who we are?
- [Felix] Seriously?
Come on, man.
Everybody knows about you guys.
You're heroes.
- [Sarge] Heroes?
- [Felix] You're the
team that brought down
Project Freelancer.
You're some of the
galaxy's greatest soldiers.
- [Simmons] Well, I can see
how you might think that.
- [Sarge] Because it's absolutely true.
- [Doc] It's partially true.
- [Grif] But mainly false.
- [Wash] Stop giving him information.
What's your name?
- [Felix] Felix.
- [Wash] Okay, Felix,
what are you doing here?
- [Felix] Do you want the
long answer or the short one?
- [Wash] Do you want
another bullet in your leg?
- [Felix] Hey, that bullet's
there because of you.
- [Tucker] He's got a point.
- [Wash] (sighs) Just
explain what's going on.
- [Grif] Uh, yeah like who were those guys
that were trying to kill us?
- [Simmons] And why haven't
we been rescued yet?
- [Felix] Wait, where
do you think you are?
- [Tucker] What do you mean?
- [Felix] I mean, do you
understand where you crashed?
- [Sarge] Well, we've been taking bets.
Highest wager's currently
on Bermuda triangle.
After that we got to Gilligan's
island, and purgatory.
- [Grif] So stupid.
- [Donut] No, just think about it.
It makes perfect sense.
- [Felix] The reason no
one's come to help you
is the same reason no
one's come to help them.
(guitar strums)
- [Simmons] Them?
- [Felix] The people on this planet.
- [Wash] What planet?
- [Felix] Chorus.
- [Tucker] Never heard of it.
- [Felix] Well, I wouldn't expect you to.
It's on the very edge of colonized space.
And after the war between
the humans and the aliens,
was more or less forgotten
by Earth and the UNSC.
(somber music)
- [Grif] We crashed in
the middle of nowhere,
on a planet in the middle of nowhere,
fucking beautiful everybody.
- [Simmons] But how did we
end up so far from home?
It should've been a short flight.
- [Spaceship Operator] Sir, please,
you can't be back here.
These engines are delicate.
- [Sarge] Can it, Poindexter.
No wonder this flight's taking so long!
Who ever heard of delicate engines?
These engines are
supposed to be big, loud,
and terrible for the environment!
Let's kick this baby into slipspace!
- [Spaceship Operator] Wait!
(alarms blare)
- [Sarge] Eh, one mystery
at a time there, Simmons.
- [Felix] Now being a small planet,
completely free of UNSC jurisdiction.
The nice little people of Chorus decided
(rueful music)
to run things on their own.
The only problem was, they
didn't do a very good job.
- [Grif] Ugh, history's the worst.
Can you just get to the point?
- [Felix] The point is, you crash landed
in the middle of a civil war.
And I'm on the side that's
trying to keep you alive.
- [Wash] And which side is that?
- [Felix] The new Republic,
essentially a bunch of people
got fed up with the way
things are going on Chorus,
so they put together a rebel army
and decided to fight for their freedom.
It's all very patriotic.
- [Tucker] So, what?
Does that make those guys
the Evil Empire or something?
- [Felix] Yeah, you could say that.
- [Tucker] Oh, well fuck.
- [Wash] But why the attack?
Why try to kidnap us?
- [Felix] Like I said,
you're the greatest soldiers
in the galaxy and that makes
you a pretty hot commodity.
And I'd be lying if I said
my shitty attempt at a rescue mission
didn't have a few strings attached.
- [Sarge] What kinda
strings we talking here?
- [Felix] (sighs) The
rebels need your help.
Once they heard that you were on Chorus,
they sent me out with a small team
to find you and bring you back.
They're hoping you might be
the key to winning this war.
- [Grif] Hm, no.
- [Felix] No?
- [Simmons] Yeah, no.
- [Caboose] Yeah, that,
that's not gonna work for me.
- [Wash] Look, Felix.
I hate to break it to you,
but we're in no condition to fight a war.
- [Tucker] All we want is a
ride off this shitty planet.
No offense.
- [Felix] Eh, it ain't my shitty planet.
- [Doc] Aren't you one of the rebels?
- [Felix] No, I'm a freelancer.
(all cock guns)
No, I mean I'm a mercenary,
you know a gun for hire.
- [Grif] Oh thank God.
- [Wash] They paid you to come find us?
- [Felix] They pay me to do lots of stuff,
but yeah, you're my current paycheck.
- [Wash] So you want us to
go fight someone else's war,
just if you can make some extra cash.
- [Felix] Uh, it's for a good cause?
- [Wash] Right, we'll just
take that ride out of here,
if you don't mind.
- [Tucker] Yeah, that's
what I'm talking about.
Mediocrity.
- [Grif] Whoo hoo!
Here's the not going that extra mile.
- [Felix] You know, I wasn't alone
when I came out here to find you,
There were three of us.
Just think about that.
(rapid footsteps)
- [Grif] Whatever, it's not
like we asked them to save us.
- [Simmons] Yeah, we
definitely didn't build
a giant radio tower to send a
distress signal or anything.
- [Grif] Shut up.
(radio warbles)
- [Felix] Headquarters, this is Felix.
I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.
- [Headquarters] Holy
shit, you found them?
That's great.
What's your status?
- [Felix] Not good.
We ran into some Feds.
I need an evac team.
- [Headquarters] Uh, Felix, I can't just
fly somebody out there.
- [Felix] I know, okay,
but you send as many men as you can,
as fast as you can.
Locus has our position.
- [Headquarters] Oh no.
- [Tucker] Who's Locus?
- [Felix] Now I want to do this quiet
and I want to do it right,
but just to be safe,
bring a shit load of guns.
- [Headquarters] Right,
sending reinforcements, sir.
- [Felix] Roger, Felix out.
(radio warbles)
- [Grif] So, what now?
- [Felix] Now we work
on making this canyon
the most defendable hole in the ground
the universe has ever seen.
- [Wash] Why?
(dramatic music)
- [Felix] Because we're
about to get hit hard.
I need a detailed list of the
supplies you've got on hand.
We'll set up choke points and
mark potential sniper's nests.
- [Wash] Whoa whoa whoa, slow down.
We're not telling you anything.
We still don't even know
if we can believe you.
- [Felix] Well, believed this.
If we don't prepare for a fight,
we might as well just be
waiting for a massacre.
(dramatic music)
- [Wash] Tucker, see if you
can fix Caboose's helmet.
- [Caboose] Yes, who said that!
- [Wash] Sarge, you and the
Reds, build up an arsenal.
If we can use it as a
weapon, let's get it prepped.
- [Sarge] I can think of a few things
that might come in handy.
- [Wash] Felix, you and
I aren't done talking.
- [Felix] Well, all right then.
Let's see if you guys
are as good as they say.
- [Grif] Prepare to be
sorely disappointed.
- [Sarge] All right, boys,
we don't have much time.
So let's see what we've got.
- [Simmons] (clears
throat) Hello everyone.
Private Simmons, great to be back.
- [Grif] Wrap it up.
- [Simmons] Good to be back.
- [Grif] Nobody cares.
- [Simmons] All right,
just shut up and listen.
We had a full armory on board the ship
consisting of firearms,
as well as explosives.
I moved as many as I could down here
and also took the liberty
of setting up a minefield
near Red Base.
- [Grif] But you didn't even bury them.
- [Simmons] From what I could tell,
they're designed to rest above the ground.
- [Grif] Uh, with blinking
red warning lights?
- [Simmons] Yeah, it doesn't
really make any sense.
- [Sarge] Excellent work, Simmons.
Now go organize those firearms.
- [Simmons] Yes, sir.
- [Sarge] Grif, Doc, how are
the teleportation tests going?
- [Doc] Well we've learned the cubes
can be set to different frequencies.
For example, if I throw a
cube set to frequency A,
it will absorb an object.
(cube whooshes)
If I then throw a second
cube on frequency A,
that object will reappear.
(cube whooshes)
- [Grif] Meanwhile, if
I've got a cube set to B,
I can throw it like so.
- [Doc] Yeah, hey, wait-
(cube whooshes)
- [Grif] And then throw
a second cube set to B,
without ever messing with the stuff
sucked up by the cube set to A.
(cube whooshes)
- [Sarge] So all they
do is teleport things?
No explosions, no violence?
- [Grif] Nah.
- [Sarge] Well we maybe can
make them absorb grenades,
and then we can throw the grenade
filled cubes at the enemy.
- [Grif] At that point, wouldn't it
just make sense to throw grenades?
- [Sarge] We're not here to make sense,
Private, we're here to win.
Now take Donut and go find a way
to make your stupid cubes
do somethin' useful.
- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.
- [Sarge] And finally,
we have the Lopez's.
Stop standing next to each other.
I can never tell you two apart.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] I need you two to get to work
on repairing C.C.'s fuel tanks.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] I can't wait to see her,
triumphantly leading the
charge on the front lines,
glistening in the sunlight,
with the blood of her fallen enemies!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Wait a minute, this is a terrible idea.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
I can't trust an idiotic robot
with a job as important as this.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Change of plans.
You two go prep the work station,
then wait for me to arrive
to do the job myself
. I'm gonna go find my
favorite welding torch.
(rapid footsteps)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(guitar strums)
(electricity crackles)
- [Tucker] All right, how's that?
- [Caboose] Nope, still can't see.
- [Tucker] Open your eyes.
- [Caboose] Oh my God, the
graphics are incredible.
- [Tucker] You're welcome.
- [Caboose] Ah, oh, thanks, Tucker.
You know you, you and I
have had our differences in the past.
I have called you stupid.
You have called me stupid.
I have tried to kill you.
- [Tucker] Uh huh.
- [Caboose] But you know,
at the end of the day I like to think
that you and I are actually-
(electricity crackles)
- [Tucker] What?
I can barely hear you.
Dammit, I think fixing your visor
somehow broke your radio.
Just stand still.
- [Wash] So how bad is this?
- [Felix] The man coming
for us is named Locus.
He's a merc, like me.
Only, you know, terrifying.
- [Wash] Locus?
- [Felix] Yeah, guy's
so far off the deep end,
he prefers to go by the name of his armor
instead of the name he
was born with. (whistles)
- [Wash] That's unsettling.
- [Felix] Oh, are you first name, Agent,
last name Washington?
That's so weird.
- [Wash] That's just old habits.
- [Felix] Well, here's to
hoping those old habits
of yours kick in when he shows up.
You know I thought there'd be more of you.
Weren't you with another
Freelancer, and an A.I.?
- [Wash] They disappeared
not long after we crashed.
- [Felix] Sheesh, any
idea where they went?
- [Wash] No.
- [Felix] Hm, well, if it
makes you feel any better,
I haven't heard anything
about them over the radio.
So, um, that's probably good.
- [Wash] How was he able to cloak himself?
- [Felix] Hm?
- [Wash] Locus, he turned invisible.
How?
- [Felix] The federal army has
got all sorts of fancy stuff.
I got my light shield off a dead soldier.
(shield whooshes)
Pretty cool.
- [Wash] It's just that I've never seen
that kind of equipment
outside of Project Freelancer.
- [Felix] Welcome to the future, Wash.
Technology is incredible,
and everyone uses it to kill each other.
- [Wash] Does that mean your
guys have the same equipment?
- [Felix] I wish.
The New Republic's barely getting by
with what they can.
You wouldn't happen to
have any high-tech armor
aboard that wreck, would you?
- [Wash] Plenty of armor,
Just nothing out of the ordinary.
- [Felix] Well, at least
you can accessorize.
Eh?
Try a little color combo mixing up.
I, I'm sorry, I'm just
trying to light that mood.
- [Wash] Actually, I think I might indulge
in some of those old habits
you were talking about.
Follow me.
- [Felix] I mean, you're just
cryptic, like all the time.
Did you realize that?
(acoustic guitar music)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
(electricity crackles)
- [Donut] Well, it just goes to show
that with time effort, and a
little bit of elbow grease,
we really can achieve wonders.
- [Tucker] We spent
hours turning this place
into a war zone, and you made
me hate it in one sentence.
- [Grif] It's what he does.
- [Wash] Donut's got a point though.
(guitar strums)
I think we're ready.
- [Donut] Oooh, back in black.
Looks good, Wash.
- [Caboose] Yeah that
really brings back memories.
Like when we first met.
And then we met again and you shot Donut.
- [Wash] I'm impressed guys.
This place looks good.
In between the landmines,
Freckles, and the tank,
I don't think anyone's going
to stand a chance against us.
(explosion)
- [Sarge] Run for your lives!
- [Simmons] Sarge?
- [Grif] Oh shit they're here.
- [Wash] Everyone get ready!
- [Felix] No, wait, this isn't right.
Locus wouldn't attack like this.
- [Tucker] Well who else on
this planet wants us dead?
(guns fire)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] Dos Point-O, cease fire!
No mas, no mas!
- [Grif] Dos point oh?
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Caboose] Freckles!
- [Freckles] Deadly force authorized.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Donut] Yes, giant robot fight!
Totally called that on Basebook.
- [Wash] Wait, everyone calm down.
- [Felix] Shit!
(acoustic guitar music)
- [Locus] Surrender now, and I promise
only to kill the mercenary.
- [Simmons] Well fuck.
- [Grif] Oh yeah?
You and what army?
- [Locus] The Federal Army, of course.
- [Grif] Well, guess I
walked right into that one.
- [Felix] Looks like backup
isn't getting here in time.
- [Tucker] Uh, Wash, what's the plan?
- [Freckles] Engaging target.
(guns fire)
- [Wash] Get to cover!
(gunshots and explosions)
(action music)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Caboose] Freckles, be careful!
- [Wash] Dammit, we need
something to draw their fire.
- [Sarge] Simmons?
- [Simmons] Shotgun.
- [Sarge] Tanks for dropping by, dirtbags.
But it's high time you left.
(tank fires)
- [Simmons] Still inverted, sir.
- [Sarge] Right.
(explosion)
- [Simmons] Woohoo!
Yeah!
Suck it evil soldier dudes!
- [Locus] Huh.
(action music)
- [Felix] Heavy artillery!
- [Tucker] What?
Where did that come from?
- [Wash] They must be
getting in through the caves.
(guns fire)
- [Sarge] Uh oh.
(cube whooshes)
(vehicle crashes)
- [Grif] Boosh!
Future cubes, bitches!
- [Wash] What would that?
- [Donut] Future cubes,
the cubes of the future!
- [Sarge] I still think they'd
be better with grenades!
- [Grif] Kiss my ass!
(guns fire)
(Grif yelps)
- [Caboose] Freckles!
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Freckles] Shields critical.
- [Caboose] Ahh, we have to help him!
- [Wash] All right.
Let's grab some explosives and-
- [Donut] Wait.
I know what to do.
- [Wash] What the?
Just cover him!
(explosions)
- [Freckles] Shields failing.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
- [Donut] All right, that's enough.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
Don't make me hurt you.
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Donut speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(Donut speaking Spanish)
(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)
(explosion)
(cube sizzles)
(explosion)
(Donut speaking Spanish)
- [Tucker] Seriously, he
has an incredible arm.
- [Grif] Okay, it wasn't a volcano,
but I'm still taking credit for the idea!
- [Sarge] Incoming!
(guns fire)
- [Wash] Sarge, are you okay?
- [Sarge] Havin' the time of my life!
The tank's pretty beat up.
- [Simmons] They just keep coming.
(device beeps)
- [Felix] Get out of the tank!
(Simmons and Sarge yelp)
(explosion)
- [Wash] Dammit!
- [Grif] Holy shit, those explode?
- [Donut] Did you guys see me?
- [Wash] Yes, now put
those skills of yours
to work and start tossing
some grenades.
- [Donut] On it.
(action music)
And you get a bomb,
and you get a bomb,
and you get a bomb
and you get a bomb,
we all get bombs!
- [Freckles] Energy levels critical.
- [Caboose] Guys, Freckles' in trouble!
He looks tired.
- Fuck that!
Hook him up to the ship!
It's got plenty of power!
- [Simmons] Oh, I can do that.
- [Wash] Felix, where's that back up?
- [Felix] I don't know.
Fucking assholes!
- [Grif] Uh, I'm running out of cubes!
- [Wash] Just hold on a little longer,
and we'll get Freckles back online.
- [Simmons] Uh, Wash,
that might be a problem!
- [Wash] (growls) I'll
be right back, cover me.
- [Tucker] Okay!
(turret gun fires)
Suck my balls!
- [Simmons] I hooked up Freckles,
but for some reason, he's
not getting any power!
- [Wash] What do you mean?
We should have plenty.
- [Simmons] I know, but it's all
being diverted somewhere else.
I don't know what it could be.
- [Wash] Well, where's it all going?
(keyboard clicks)
- [Simmons] Red base?
- [Donut] Uh oh, I, uh,
think I know what it is.
(computer beeps)
- [Wash] Downloading a picture on Basebook
is draining our entire power supply?
- [Donut] It is a very
high quality picture.
- [Wash] How does that even make sense?
- [Simmons] We've gotta
cancel the download.
- [Donut] But we're pinned down.
How are we supposed to (screams)
- [Wash And Simmons] Donut!
- [Simmons] Is he dead?
- [Wash] No, but he's unconscious.
- [Simmons] Oh good.
Cause I did not want to go
through that shit again.
- [Wash] Felix, we're a man down!
Where is that backup!?
- [Felix] I don't know.
They should be here in a few minutes.
- [Wash] We don't have a few minutes.
If we can't get Freckles
online, we won't stand a chance!
- [Tucker] Ugh, such bullshit.
- [Grif] Hey, where are you going?
- [Wash] Tucker!
(guns fire)
(explosion)
- [Tucker] And swish!
Fuck you, Basebook!
- [Simmons] He did it,
we're getting power.
- [Freckles] Charging.
- [Federal Soldier] Freeze!
- [Tucker] Ah, crap.
- [Federal Soldier] You and your friends
have caused us a lot of trouble.
Now lay down your weapon.
(gun fires)
- [Tucker] What the Hell?
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
Dos point oh?
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
Lopez, that was fucking awesome.
Where did you get that body?
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
I don't know what you
said, but that's great.
Now let's get outta here.
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Freckles] Shields 25% charged.
(guns fire)
- [Sarge] (laughs) Eat lead,
you seemingly infinite number of soldiers!
- [Grif] Yeah, how's it
feel to get your ass kicked
by a bunch of losers?
- [Wash] All right, everyone together now.
We can do this!
- [Locus] No, you can't.
(gun charges and fires)
- [Tucker] Wash!
- [Caboose] Oh no!
- [Simmons] Is he okay?
(guns fire)
- [Tucker] Lopez!
(Lopez speaking Spanish)
- [Sarge] You bastards
stay away from my men!
If anybody's gonna kill 'em,
it's gonna be me!
(gun charges and fires)
- [Grif] Sarge?
(vehicle roars)
- [Felix] Incoming!
(guns fire)
- [Caboose] Freckles, no!
(heavy thuds)
(Rebel soldiers shout)
- [Felix] They're here.
That's our backup.
- [Rebel Soldier] Suck it, you Fed scum!
- [Freckles] Engaging targets.
(explosion)
- [Felix] Get to the cave!
We've gotta go!
- [Caboose] But what
about Wash and Freckles?
- [Simmons] Quick, someone
help me carry Sarge.
(Rebel soldier grunts)
- [Rebel Soldier] What the hell?
(dramatic music)
- [Felix] There's no time.
Get outta here!
- [Caboose] But-
- [Grif] Caboose, c'mon!
- [Tucker] What are you doing?
Where's Wash?
- [Simmons] He's still at the base.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Rebel Soldier] Sir, if we leave now,
they'll just follow us
back to headquarters!
- [Felix] Ah, shit, someone
get me some explosives!
(guns fire)
- [Tucker] Wait, guys, there he is.
Wash, Wash come on!
- [Felix] We gotta seal this tunnel.
(somber music)
(guns fire)
- [Wash] Freckles!
Shake.
(Freckles stomps)
- [Tucker] No, what are you doing?
(rock crumbles)
(Wash sighs)
(Wash grunts)
- [Medic] He's waking up.
- [Felix] Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy now.
You've been knocked out for a while.
Just take it easy, there's
nothing to worry about.
You're safe, tucker.
- [Tucker] (groans) What?
- [Felix] You took a rock
to the back of the head.
Good news is we made it
back to base undetected.
- [Tucker] Back to base?
- [Felix] Welcome to the New Republic.
(engine rumbles)
- [Tucker] Felix, what
the fuck is going on?
Where is everyone?
- [Felix] Grif, Simmons and Caboose
are up at the main compound.
- [Tucker] Well what about everyone else?
What about Sarge?
What about Wash?
- [Medic] Um, I'm gonna go.
- [Felix] Yeah, thanks, Doc.
- [Tucker] Dude, do not
fuck with me right now.
- [Felix] We had to leave them, Tucker.
- [Tucker] What?
- [Felix] Look, the Feds were closing in.
If we'd stayed any longer,
they would've taken you too.
- [Tucker] No, that's bullshit.
- [Felix] That's war, Tucker.
Not everyone makes it back.
You guys put up a good fight.
I can see why Kimball wants you.
- [Tucker] Who the fuck is Kimball?
- [Kimball] I am.
Vanessa Kimball, leader
of the New Republic,
and very glad to meet you.
I wish it were under better circumstances.
- [Tucker] Uh, yeah.
- [Kimball] Your friends
are waiting for you
up near the mess hall.
It's just north of here.
Why don't you go catch up?
We'll talk later.
- [Tucker] Yeah.
(metallic footsteps)
- [Kimball] You're not
getting paid the full amount.
- [Felix] I know.
- [Kimball] You're lucky
you're getting paid at all.
- [Felix] I know.
- [Kimball] Are they as good as we hoped?
- [Felix] I think so.
Either that or they're just really lucky.
- [Kimball] Well, they
probably don't feel very lucky.
- [Simmons] It's a small rebel army, Grif.
- [Grif] It's poor customer service.
- [Simmons] You were eating everything.
- [Grif] I'm an emotional eater.
What can I say?
- [Caboose] Tucker?
- [Tucker] Hey.
- [Grif] Sup?
- [Tucker] Man, what the fuck is going on?
- [Simmons] After you were knocked out,
we were taken to this huge cave
somewhere beneath the jungle.
- [Tucker] These guys live in a cave?
- [Simmons] They're rebels,
of course they live in a cave.
It's hidden.
- [Grif] Nah, I'm with Tucker.
I was expecting some bad-ass
snow base or something.
- [Simmons] What, why?
- [Grif] That's what
they had in Star Wars.
- [Simmons] How is that even relevant?
- [Grif] Tell me this is
not just like Star Wars.
Tell me.
- [Caboose] Tucker does
have a glowing sword.
- [Grif] Tucker has a
glowing sword, Simmons.
- [Tucker] Man, we're
really all that made it?
(somber music)
- [Felix] Hey, something's come up.
Follow me.
- [Rebel Soldier] Dude,
I'm telling you, it's them.
- [Rebel Soldier 2] Whoa.
Maybe we're not fucked.
- [Kimball] Michael Caboose, Dexter Grif,
Richard Simmons, and Lavernius Tucker.
The four of you have
traveled great distances,
retrieved ancient artifacts,
brought corrupt men to justice,
and bested the most
dangerous war criminals
this galaxy has ever known.
And now it seems fate has
brought you to our doorstep.
- [Grif] No pressure.
- [Kimball] I'm aware
that you've been informed
of our situation and I
understand your reluctance
to help fight a war that is not your own,
but we've just received word
that the Federal Army
has your friends alive
and in captivity.
- [Tucker] They're okay?
- [Simmons] What's
going to happen to them?
- [Kimball] We're not sure,
but if they're alive, it
means they can be rescued.
And it means this war may
become yours after all.
- [Grif] Ah, shit.
- [Kimball] So, I'm going
to make you a promise.
If you help us take back our planet,
we'll help you take back your friends.
And when it's all over,
you can take our best ship,
and fly as far away from
this place as you want.
I know it's not the best
offer, but what do you say?
- [Grif] Look, lady, I don't
know what you think we can do,
but I seriously doubt
we can actually do it.
- [Kimball] This war has
gone on for too long.
Too many people have died.
And our remaining soldiers are young,
inexperienced and scared.
But you give them hope.
They've heard what you've done
and they will look to you for guidance.
They will run with you into battle,
and they will follow your orders,
if you choose to lead them.
I can't do this alone.
- [Simmons] Sarge is gone, Wash is gone.
How the hell are we supposed
to do this without them?
- [Tucker] Yeah, none of us
have ever led anyone before.
- [Caboose] Well, not for very long.
- [Kimball] I know, but
you just need to try.
(acoustic guitar music and soft whistling)
(rhythmic footsteps)
- [Tucker] Hm, all right.
Let's run some drills.
- [Grif] Aw, man.
- [Caboose] And break!
♪ We've been here so long ♪
♪ Still I remember the rainy September ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ Two, four, one, 10 ♪
♪ Two, four, one, 10 ♪
♪ Am I transmitting ♪
♪ Is anyone listening ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Am I still willing ♪
♪ To foot all this billing ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ We are green and gray ♪
♪ The longness of semper ♪
♪ Still I remember ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Are we transmitting ♪
♪ Is anyone listening ♪
♪ Contact ♪
(somber music)
♪ Riding on our shiny metal horses ♪
♪ Singing a rider's song ♪
♪ One of us won't be forgotten ♪
♪ The other one's wrong ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Two four one 10 ♪
♪ Am I still willing ♪
♪ To foot all this billing ♪
♪ Contact ♪
♪ When I think of you ♪
♪ Your name's in the sky 90 feet high ♪
♪ Contact ♪
(somber music)
♪ Riding on our shiny metal horses ♪
♪ Singing a rider's song ♪
♪ One of us won't be forgotten ♪
♪ The other one's wrong ♪
(somber music)
(low pitched hum)
- [Locus] We searched
Crash Site Bravo, sir.
- [Computer] And?
- [Locus] The crate was recovered
intact and completely sealed.
- [Computer] Wonderful news.
- [Locus] However, it looks as if
they tried to blast it open.
Do you think they knew?
- [Computer] Highly unlikely.
Report back to Control as
soon as possible, Locus.
- [Locus] Are you sure keeping them alive
is the best course of action?
- [Computer] Do you feel threatened
by the simulation troopers, Locus?
- [Locus] Of course not.
- [Computer] Then we will continue
with our endeavors as
previously discussed.
Do I make myself clear?
- [Locus] Yes, sir.
- [Carolina] Good, I'll be
there before you know it.