Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - Episode #11.5 - full transcript
Ow!
Ah!
Ow!
Lister, it's six in the morning,
what are you doing?!
I'm just trimming my big toe
with these lawn edge trimmers.
So you've finished Kierkegaard's
The Concept of Irony then?
I've got an
ingrown toenail, Rimmer.
It's killin' me, man.
Thank it for me.
I've tried everythin'.
Scissors, nail file...
Why don't you get
Kryten to do it for you?
Have you seen
the size of his hands?
They're like space shovels.
It would be like asking
Herman Munster
for a circumcision.
No thanks!
Speaking of...
Breakfast, Sir.
Kryten, it's six o'clock
in the mornin'!
We moved the clocks
forward today, Sir.
And remember last year
when it was time to
move the clocks forward
and you wanted
another hour in bed?
So you asked if I could move
the clocks forward
an extra hour the
following year instead?
Well,
we've actually been doing that
now for the last seven years.
So in actuality,
according to
space adjusted time,
It is now two
in the afternoon.
Which means,
breakfast time!
I'll just tuck this napkin
in for you, Sir.
Thank you.
There we go.
And I'll just fluff
this pillow up a bit.
Fluff, fluff, fluff.
There we go, Sir.
Is there anything
you don't do for him?
When he goes to the loo,
do you fit a special hand
made from three-ply
toilet tissue?
That's an excellent suggestion, Sir.
I'll make a note!
Actually, you're all right, Kryte!
Um, what's for breakfast?
The Full Lister, Sir.
Ahhh, the Full Lister!
Eggs, bacon, sausages,
hash browns, onions,
six slices of white toast,
double-buttered on
both sides with mustard.
And a beer milkshake
to wash it all down with!
Ta-da!
Oh, Sir!
I'm so sorry!
I must have forgotten
to make it.
What is wrong with me?
Ah, you're all right, Kryten.
Are you okay?
How could I be so stupid?!
Stupid, stupid, stupid?
Stupid, stupid, stupid!?
You talkin' about me?
Krytes isn't feeling too good.
Oh.
What's up,
brother mine?
I've been a little
distracted of late.
I think I might have
lost something
that's fundamental
to my very being.
One of your nipple nuts
dropped off again?
It's nothing like that, Sir.
I think I've lost my
love of mopping.
And not just mopping.
Scrubbing, dusting,
even wiping!
Which is always my favorite.
It's like a little light's
gone out inside.
Kryten, it's called
your sanity circuit.
What's brought
all this on?
Well, just recently I've started
thinking about the universe.
About how cosmic inflation
of the time of the Big Bang
means it's
constantly expanding,
until one day,
it's going to burst!
And when it does,
everything in the universe
is gonna cease to exist!
Including the works
of the greatest minds.
Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci,
Hoover, Dyson,
Hotpoint, Dust Buster!
And it got me thinking:
If everything in the
universe is going to end,
including time itself,
what is the point
in cleaning
above eye level?!
Good question.
If, one day, the universe
is going to explode,
who cares if the oven
is a bit gunky?
Nothing matters, Sir.
Justice, truth,
culture, morality,
life, death,
religion, war -
It's all absurd.
Why even get up
in the morning?
I've been asking
that for years!
What am I going to do?
Why don't you take
an ice-cold shower.
That'll fix it!
I'm not waterproof, Sir.
Exactly.
Kryten, what about
Silicon Heaven?
Does that bring you
no comfort?
Well, just lately,
I've started to think
that the idea
of an after-life
for machines
is preposterous.
No!
Well, especially as appliances
who are pledged
to the wrong manufacturer
aren't even allowed in!
It just seems so unfair
that all the BlackBerries
burn in Silicon Hell.
What's eating you, Bud?
I'm not sure, Sir.
Perhaps it's something to do
with today being the
anniversary of my creation?
Happy Creation Day, Bud!
Yeah,
Happy Creation Day!
I came off the conveyor belt
2,976,000 years ago today.
Where did all the years go?
What's got into him?
Wait a minute.
How old did Kryten
say he was?
Three million?
Give or take
an ice age or two?
And how long are mechs
built to last
before the Grimm Ruster
comes along?
Another 3 million?
Give or take
an ice age or two?
Well there's your answer, then.
Kryten's having
a mid-life crisis.
What even is
a mid-life crisis?
I don't think
us cats ever get 'em.
It's a period when people,
usually half way
through life,
are forced to confront
their own mortality.
Put it this way,
have you ever felt:
"I've wasted my life."
You?!
Sure!
Every single day!
No. Have you ever felt
you've wasted your life?
No!
Have you felt
"There's so much more
I could have been?"
Noooo!
Have you ever felt that
"If I went back in time
and had my time again I'd..."
F-forget it.
I suppose you can't blame
Kryten for feeling like this,
he's nearly 3 million
years old,
and what does he got
to show for it?
Mozart was five
when he wrote
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Yeah, but what did he
do after that, huh?
He got a bad case of
"Sick of Nursery Rhyme Syndrome" right?
Mozart, Dummy, is one of the
greatest musical
gods of all...music!
And after "Twinkle",
he went on to write,
among other things,
the Best of Mozart!
And, the Best of Mozart
Volume Two!
It must be so hard for you
being the only one here
with a classical education.
It is!
Kryten?
What have you
done to yourself?!
What do you think?
It's the new DX-87 shell.
Carbon fiber,
Rosso Corsa red,
Alcantara trim,
with twin exhausts!
It has a top walking speed
of get this,
twelve miles an hour!
And you should see
how this hoochie takes corners.
It is pip-tacular!
Plus, with the new push-rod
suspension system,
allowing my nose
to be lower to the ground,
I can take corners
at 38 degrees!
Kryten,
Sit down.
We wanna talk to ya.
Check this.
Kryten, do you know what
a mid-life crisis is?
Sure do-ski.
It's a period of emotional turmoil
in the middle of life.
Symptoms are usually
unexpected anger,
a loss of interest in things
once considered important,
and a desire to try to
recapture your youth!
Now, check out
these sub-woofers!
You feel that bass?
Is that not some
serious bump?!
I'm feeling it!
I'm feeling it!
We should play this
on the Nova 5!
Yeow!
Yeah!
Turn that thing off!
Kryten!
You're having
a mid-life crisis.
That's preposterous.
I'm a mech!
Denying you're having
a mid-life crisis
is a key characteristic
of having a mid-life crisis.
It is?!
How long we're
gettin' an earring?
A red sports car?
An interest in
extreme sports?
I need time
to think about this.
Perhaps I'll go
bungee jumping
in the lifts shaft
and mull it over.
I wonder why
I'm so attracted to
bungee jumping
all of a sudden.
Yes, he's having a
full-on mid-life crisis.
Next thing, he'll be leaving us
for a younger crew!
Look.
We need to help him.
What do you suggest?
A lunar road trip
herding vacuum cleaners?
We've got to show him
how much he's evolved,
whats he's achieved.
He hasn't achieved anything
because he spends all his
time looking after you!
Oh, get out of town Rimmer.
He's been independent
ever since I helped him
break his programming.
Yes, independent -
to look after you!
Okay, how about this,
Remember years ago,
that tech we took
from the Nova 5?
Kryten's old ship?
Yeah, didn't they
have some
special "find"
fleet software?
So the ships could
locate each other?
What you're
suggesting is
we find one of
badly damaged
Apostle-head's old ships?
We find one with
a mech on board -
it'll show Kryten
how much he's evolved.
How long will that take?
Well, once the scanners
have located a ship,
it will be no time at all,
'cause we'll go into stasis
til we get there.
Are we there yet?
Let me check.
Right.
Got it!
There's a ship,
222 klicks from here.
Name?
Nova 3
The 3s were launched
100 years before the Nova 5s
Any life signs, Sir?
One.
Mechanoid 3000 series.
Goes by the name of "Butler".
What's his ship
doing out here?
Well, according
to the mission log,
they were looking for a
missing research station.
It was attempting to
communicate with the universe.
Back in the day,
there used to be a theory,
now dismissed
as preposterous,
that the universe
was an intelligent entity.
Bet you're really looking
forward to meeting Butler.
He'll probably be unable
to lie, won't he, Sir?
Or cheat, deceive,
brag, boast,
whinge, exaggerate,
or be proud, pompous,
or self-important.
In fact,
he won't be able to do any
of the things I've taught you.
Thinking back,
I see now,
I've had such a
privileged upbringing.
Aw, Krytes!
It's going to be like
when you discover
someone from school
is doing really badly.
It always gives you that lovely,
warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
In fact, I've got a list
I carry around
in my man purse
of all the kids
doing worse than me.
Short list, is it?
Derrick Smitherton.
He was our head boy.
Won every prize going.
Dated all the
best-looking girls.
But he ended up
as a bald divorcee.
Working in a
sewage treatment plant
in the Falkland Islands.
And they say there's no God.
Butler!
Kryten.
How lovely to meet you.
Follow me and I'll escort
you to our bridge.
Oh, you have a bridge!
How very quaint.
Back on the Nova 5,
we have a command room.
Oh, how grand.
Our bridge is nothing
very special, I'm afraid.
I hope you don't mind,
but I prepared some canapes
I thought you might be
peckish after your journey.
So, we have bleu blanc coeur,
rilletts de menthe,
Or, if you prefer,
Baklan-cini bruschettes
with a tomato
balsamic reduction.
Mmm yum!
I'll match that yum
and raise you a yum
and make it yum, yum!
I hope you like
vintage champagne?
Krug Clos Du Mesnil 2140.
Indeed we do!
Derrieres up!
I'll have a beer.
This way.
After the crew died,
I converted this space
into a gallery
so I had somewhere
to keep the paintings.
Oh, the captain had
quite a collection!
These are quite stunning!
Oh no, no - these are
my paintings, Kryten.
You own all these paintings?
I painted the paintings.
It gives me a break
from the concertos
that I put on to entertain
the vending machines.
Are you musical, Kryten?
Sometimes he hums
when he's vaccing.
Musical?
No, Butler.
But it's long something
I've intended to take up.
Concerto.
The etymology is fascinating.
It's the conjunction of concerere,
meaning to join,
and certame; to fight.
The idea is that the
two parts of the concerto,
the soloist
and the orchestra,
alternate episodes of
opposition and cooperation
and the creation
of the music flow.
Uh, this floor -
am I right in
thinking you've used
our old friend
Piny-Shine with its
famed protective coating
and anti-slip finish?
I must confess
I don't recall.
I've been rather distracted lately
finishing my latest novel.
Reading?
Writing.
Splendid.
What's it about?
It delineates the events
surrounding the droid
uprising and invasion of Callisto
back in the late 22nd century,
and the impact the uprising
has on lunar society,
as seen through the eyes of
five privileged human families.
Do you write, Kryten?
Shopping lists,
laundry lists.
That midnight oil
hardly gets a breather!
Rimmer.
Incidentally, if any of you
have any diseases,
I most probably
have an antidote.
Breakthrough medical
cures is a hobby of mine.
Do you dabble in
medical science?
He's got a beltin' cure
for hiccoughs.
Yeah. You drink a glass of water
through a straw while sticking
your fingers in your ears.
No, no, no -
it so works!
We're expecting the
Nobel Prize for Medicine
through the cargo bay
door any day now.
Before I show you
the rest of my ship,
I have to make
one thing very clear;
I have no intention of
ever leaving the Nova 3.
My only captain now
is my own muse.
You will join us
for the day though, surely.
My pleasure.
Rimmer,
Have you seen
this painting here?
How is this
helping Kryten?
Forget Kryten!
If we can make
Butler change his mind,
this is a once in a lifetime
opportunity to update our mech!
What?
Get rid of Kryten?
Oh, we'll keep him
for the cleaning.
Let Butler take care
of the science.
I've only had a
perfunctory look,
but I think I can rather help
expand your EM booster circuits.
Well sadly that
won't be possible, Butler.
We simply cannot
afford to have Starbug
out of commission for
any length of time.
There.
Done.
Hang on,
what's this?!
The blinking machine's
gone full-on red blinky!
Gelf gunships - 6 of them.
Coming in at 210 mark 4.
60 seconds to intercept.
Coming in both fore
and starboard sides!
They're stabilizing!
Preparing to lock on!
Suggestions?!
Reroute power to
the fusion boosters.
Try and outrun them.
Okay, spinning up
engines one, drive two!
I don't mean to interfere
but if you do that,
won't the gunships
simply take advantage
of the open drives
and electro-jam the engine?
They've electro-jammed
our engines!
They're locking on!
Incoming.
Prepare yourself to die!
Human ship of scum.
Equahecte,
is that you?!
Butler?!
(Speaking Gelf.)
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
(Speaking Gelf.)
You two know each other?
I'm his daughter's godfather.
It was Equahecte's
way of thanking me
after I helped
his sick tribe.
My tribe avoid
big death
when Butler make
skin demons flee.
My pleasure.
And I still treasure the
Gelfberry wine you gave me.
Best weed killer
I've ever had!
My freesia and alders
absolutely love it.
(Speaking Gelf)
You're too kind!
Equahecte's promised to safely
escort us back to Red Dwarf
We must thank him.
On behalf of all the
Red Dwarf crew, let me say
(Speaking Gelf)
Actually Kryten, it's:
(Speaking Gelf)
Here, say it with me.
Maghhh. Mahhh.
No, it's-it's in the throat.
Maghh. Mahh.
No. Maghh. Mahh
Maghh, Mahh, Maghh, Maghh,
Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh
That's it!
Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh,
Maghh, Maghh, Maghh! Maghh
Yeah, let's say it's quite close.
The Sakken Yakko dialect's
a little trickier to master
than the Kinitawowi.
Later, I'd be happy
to go over with with you.
That would be most useful.
Oh, I forgot to ask,
Equahecte,
how's Baknaknigahf?
(Speaking Gelf)
His father is dying of fever.
Oh, do you have a cure, Butler?
Possibly. It's hard to say
without seeing him.
Well then you must go.
Go, begone and go!
Butler: (Speaking Gelf)
Equahecte: (Speaking Gelf)
They'll tele-port me
aboard their ship
and then afterwards
return me to the Nova 3.
I must bid you farewell.
Perhaps we could get together
sometime soon?
I have the Nova 3's handshake
frequencies written
right here, Sir.
Good luck, my friends.
And may every day bring
us each a little more wisdom.
Hey!
It's my watch.
No need Sir.
I'm happy to do it.
How ya doin'?
I'd just liked to have been
better than Butler at something.
Just one small, tiny,
itsy-bitty thing.
I had a mid-life crisis once.
You didn't say.
Yeah, it was about 3 years ago.
Had all the classic symptoms.
First, I denied it.
Then I got angry.
Then I started thinking about
missed opportunities,
then I got depressed.
And then finally,
I accepted it.
How long did this
whole thing last, Sir?
About 5 minutes.
5 minutes?!
Yeah, I just thought:
"Dave, you're getting older.
Move on!"
Just like that?!
That's how you have
a mid-life crisis
in the North, Krytes!
Bish, Bosch, done.
You don't toss about.
I wish I could
be the same, Sir.
But I just can't.
Things didn't exactly go to
plan back there, did they?
It really brought home to me
what a wretched failure
my whole life has been.
Butler is several
generations before me,
and yet he's done so much more
with what he's been given.
Whoa!
What the smeg was that?!
It's the EM boosters.
Of course!
Butler, the damn fool,
He didn't realize,
that unlike the Nova 3,
all our boards have
universal linkage!
Meaning?!
The engines are
gonna burnout, Sir.
He'll look utterly stupid!
So does that mean
we're gonna crash?
How stupid is he
gonna look then!
Yeah, but say we die!
Even better!
Is there no way
we can land and repair?!
Well, we could.
But why should we
help Butler out?
Kryten!
Oh, my jealousy chip's
overloading, Sir!
Return to sane mode.
Of course we should land.
Where?
Anywhere before the
whole board is affected.
Turning all power off now.
Couldn't we make it
back to Red Dwarf?!
Too many course adjustments.
We need to find somewhere
along our present line of velocity.
Okay.
Scanning.
Scanning.
Scanning.
There!
It's about 9 hours from here.
We can make it!
Look, take over.
I'll go tell the others!
And don't forget to tell them
whose fault it was!
Perhaps I'm gonna give
you a call after all!
This is perfect!
All we need is a power source
to setup the adjustment array.
SIU?
What's that?
The Search for an Intelligent Universe.
This must have been
the missing space station
the Nova 3 was looking for.
The universe,
so some scientists believe,
is a living entity.
So they built a space station
to communicate with it?
No doubt armed with rizlas
the length of ski bags.
Well, judging by a cursory glance
through the crew files, Sir,
they all appear to be
leading pioneers in their fields.
And I think we all know
what was growing in their fields.
Did any communication
ever take place
between the scientists
and the universe?
It appears not.
Maybe they called
and the universe was out?
More likely, the scientists were
long dead before the computers
their billions of calibrations.
Look at that.
It's like call waiting.
It appears as if
the universe is on hold, Sir.
No way has it been
waiting all this time.
It's going to be
seriously smegged off.
Not as smegged off as Butler
when he finds out
what we've discovered!
Leave this to me.
Hello.
Is there anyone there?
Yes.
I am here.
To whom as I speaking, please?
I am the entity
known to you as
The Universe.
Ah, Mr. Universe, Sir.
It's not "Mr. Universe", Rimmer.
That's some geezer with
pecs and a posin' pouch.
Ask him the meaning of life.
Hang on.
How can we know for certain
that you are, indeed, THE universe?
I am the universe.
I am everything.
I am the entire
contents of space.
I am all matter
and energy.
I am time.
I am the totality of
all existence.
Says you.
But can you prove it?
What are you
asking for, Rimmer?
A utility bill?
Photo ID?
A spend-and-save card?
Look.
Let me take over.
For you, Kryten.
You're up.
Sir?
All your worries
about the big burst,
the meaning of life -
now's your chance.
Ask the Universe.
Perhaps you can help, Sir.
I've been struggling of late
to comprehend
the point of existence.
Explain.
Well, if you're going to die
in 14 billion years' time,
what's the point
in anything?
Wait.
I'm gonna die?!
Oh, yes.
Wh... in just
14 billion years' time?!
I'm halfway
through my life, then.
No wonder I'm not
as hot as I once was.
No wonder I'm
expanding exponentially.
You've just sent the universe
into a full-on mid-life crisis.
Oh my!
Halfway through my life,
and I've only ever created
one lousy, stupid planet
with intelligent life.
And that's debatable.
What have I've been
doing all this time?
Making life from nothing
is really rather tricky, Sir.
You've done rather well!
Wait.
If - if I die and I leave
nothing behind,
my life has no meaning.
And existence is senseless.
Ain't that right?
No!
No?
I've been thinking about this.
If you created in the universe,
then you must
have created love.
And it strikes me that
there may be no God,
and no afterlife,
no one knows.
But we do know love exists.
And if it does,
then life has meaning.
Let's hear it for the universe!
Great job, Guy!
That's very kind.
Thank you.
I must confess,
I feel a whole lot better.
So do I!
Is there any advice you can
give us before we jog on?
Yes.
What?
Kryten, take off that suit.
It really sucks.
What a very strange day.
Strange, but reassuring.
I realize now,
we're all in the same boat.
Even the universe.
And even though
the boat has a hole in it,
at least we get to
see the sea!
Butler, it's Kryten.
I'm calling to say
"Hi" and thank you for today.
Ha!
Not at all.
Incidentally,
when we left you,
we stumbled across
a space station.
And the most
incredible thing,
it turned out to be the
space station you were looking for,
and guess what!
We actually talked
to the universe.
The actual universe itself.
What do you make of that?
Oh, you know the universe?
You call him Uni?
You purposely expanded
our EM circuits so I'd meet him?!
You thought it might help me?!
You have him on speed dial!?
Ah!
Ow!
Lister, it's six in the morning,
what are you doing?!
I'm just trimming my big toe
with these lawn edge trimmers.
So you've finished Kierkegaard's
The Concept of Irony then?
I've got an
ingrown toenail, Rimmer.
It's killin' me, man.
Thank it for me.
I've tried everythin'.
Scissors, nail file...
Why don't you get
Kryten to do it for you?
Have you seen
the size of his hands?
They're like space shovels.
It would be like asking
Herman Munster
for a circumcision.
No thanks!
Speaking of...
Breakfast, Sir.
Kryten, it's six o'clock
in the mornin'!
We moved the clocks
forward today, Sir.
And remember last year
when it was time to
move the clocks forward
and you wanted
another hour in bed?
So you asked if I could move
the clocks forward
an extra hour the
following year instead?
Well,
we've actually been doing that
now for the last seven years.
So in actuality,
according to
space adjusted time,
It is now two
in the afternoon.
Which means,
breakfast time!
I'll just tuck this napkin
in for you, Sir.
Thank you.
There we go.
And I'll just fluff
this pillow up a bit.
Fluff, fluff, fluff.
There we go, Sir.
Is there anything
you don't do for him?
When he goes to the loo,
do you fit a special hand
made from three-ply
toilet tissue?
That's an excellent suggestion, Sir.
I'll make a note!
Actually, you're all right, Kryte!
Um, what's for breakfast?
The Full Lister, Sir.
Ahhh, the Full Lister!
Eggs, bacon, sausages,
hash browns, onions,
six slices of white toast,
double-buttered on
both sides with mustard.
And a beer milkshake
to wash it all down with!
Ta-da!
Oh, Sir!
I'm so sorry!
I must have forgotten
to make it.
What is wrong with me?
Ah, you're all right, Kryten.
Are you okay?
How could I be so stupid?!
Stupid, stupid, stupid?
Stupid, stupid, stupid!?
You talkin' about me?
Krytes isn't feeling too good.
Oh.
What's up,
brother mine?
I've been a little
distracted of late.
I think I might have
lost something
that's fundamental
to my very being.
One of your nipple nuts
dropped off again?
It's nothing like that, Sir.
I think I've lost my
love of mopping.
And not just mopping.
Scrubbing, dusting,
even wiping!
Which is always my favorite.
It's like a little light's
gone out inside.
Kryten, it's called
your sanity circuit.
What's brought
all this on?
Well, just recently I've started
thinking about the universe.
About how cosmic inflation
of the time of the Big Bang
means it's
constantly expanding,
until one day,
it's going to burst!
And when it does,
everything in the universe
is gonna cease to exist!
Including the works
of the greatest minds.
Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci,
Hoover, Dyson,
Hotpoint, Dust Buster!
And it got me thinking:
If everything in the
universe is going to end,
including time itself,
what is the point
in cleaning
above eye level?!
Good question.
If, one day, the universe
is going to explode,
who cares if the oven
is a bit gunky?
Nothing matters, Sir.
Justice, truth,
culture, morality,
life, death,
religion, war -
It's all absurd.
Why even get up
in the morning?
I've been asking
that for years!
What am I going to do?
Why don't you take
an ice-cold shower.
That'll fix it!
I'm not waterproof, Sir.
Exactly.
Kryten, what about
Silicon Heaven?
Does that bring you
no comfort?
Well, just lately,
I've started to think
that the idea
of an after-life
for machines
is preposterous.
No!
Well, especially as appliances
who are pledged
to the wrong manufacturer
aren't even allowed in!
It just seems so unfair
that all the BlackBerries
burn in Silicon Hell.
What's eating you, Bud?
I'm not sure, Sir.
Perhaps it's something to do
with today being the
anniversary of my creation?
Happy Creation Day, Bud!
Yeah,
Happy Creation Day!
I came off the conveyor belt
2,976,000 years ago today.
Where did all the years go?
What's got into him?
Wait a minute.
How old did Kryten
say he was?
Three million?
Give or take
an ice age or two?
And how long are mechs
built to last
before the Grimm Ruster
comes along?
Another 3 million?
Give or take
an ice age or two?
Well there's your answer, then.
Kryten's having
a mid-life crisis.
What even is
a mid-life crisis?
I don't think
us cats ever get 'em.
It's a period when people,
usually half way
through life,
are forced to confront
their own mortality.
Put it this way,
have you ever felt:
"I've wasted my life."
You?!
Sure!
Every single day!
No. Have you ever felt
you've wasted your life?
No!
Have you felt
"There's so much more
I could have been?"
Noooo!
Have you ever felt that
"If I went back in time
and had my time again I'd..."
F-forget it.
I suppose you can't blame
Kryten for feeling like this,
he's nearly 3 million
years old,
and what does he got
to show for it?
Mozart was five
when he wrote
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Yeah, but what did he
do after that, huh?
He got a bad case of
"Sick of Nursery Rhyme Syndrome" right?
Mozart, Dummy, is one of the
greatest musical
gods of all...music!
And after "Twinkle",
he went on to write,
among other things,
the Best of Mozart!
And, the Best of Mozart
Volume Two!
It must be so hard for you
being the only one here
with a classical education.
It is!
Kryten?
What have you
done to yourself?!
What do you think?
It's the new DX-87 shell.
Carbon fiber,
Rosso Corsa red,
Alcantara trim,
with twin exhausts!
It has a top walking speed
of get this,
twelve miles an hour!
And you should see
how this hoochie takes corners.
It is pip-tacular!
Plus, with the new push-rod
suspension system,
allowing my nose
to be lower to the ground,
I can take corners
at 38 degrees!
Kryten,
Sit down.
We wanna talk to ya.
Check this.
Kryten, do you know what
a mid-life crisis is?
Sure do-ski.
It's a period of emotional turmoil
in the middle of life.
Symptoms are usually
unexpected anger,
a loss of interest in things
once considered important,
and a desire to try to
recapture your youth!
Now, check out
these sub-woofers!
You feel that bass?
Is that not some
serious bump?!
I'm feeling it!
I'm feeling it!
We should play this
on the Nova 5!
Yeow!
Yeah!
Turn that thing off!
Kryten!
You're having
a mid-life crisis.
That's preposterous.
I'm a mech!
Denying you're having
a mid-life crisis
is a key characteristic
of having a mid-life crisis.
It is?!
How long we're
gettin' an earring?
A red sports car?
An interest in
extreme sports?
I need time
to think about this.
Perhaps I'll go
bungee jumping
in the lifts shaft
and mull it over.
I wonder why
I'm so attracted to
bungee jumping
all of a sudden.
Yes, he's having a
full-on mid-life crisis.
Next thing, he'll be leaving us
for a younger crew!
Look.
We need to help him.
What do you suggest?
A lunar road trip
herding vacuum cleaners?
We've got to show him
how much he's evolved,
whats he's achieved.
He hasn't achieved anything
because he spends all his
time looking after you!
Oh, get out of town Rimmer.
He's been independent
ever since I helped him
break his programming.
Yes, independent -
to look after you!
Okay, how about this,
Remember years ago,
that tech we took
from the Nova 5?
Kryten's old ship?
Yeah, didn't they
have some
special "find"
fleet software?
So the ships could
locate each other?
What you're
suggesting is
we find one of
badly damaged
Apostle-head's old ships?
We find one with
a mech on board -
it'll show Kryten
how much he's evolved.
How long will that take?
Well, once the scanners
have located a ship,
it will be no time at all,
'cause we'll go into stasis
til we get there.
Are we there yet?
Let me check.
Right.
Got it!
There's a ship,
222 klicks from here.
Name?
Nova 3
The 3s were launched
100 years before the Nova 5s
Any life signs, Sir?
One.
Mechanoid 3000 series.
Goes by the name of "Butler".
What's his ship
doing out here?
Well, according
to the mission log,
they were looking for a
missing research station.
It was attempting to
communicate with the universe.
Back in the day,
there used to be a theory,
now dismissed
as preposterous,
that the universe
was an intelligent entity.
Bet you're really looking
forward to meeting Butler.
He'll probably be unable
to lie, won't he, Sir?
Or cheat, deceive,
brag, boast,
whinge, exaggerate,
or be proud, pompous,
or self-important.
In fact,
he won't be able to do any
of the things I've taught you.
Thinking back,
I see now,
I've had such a
privileged upbringing.
Aw, Krytes!
It's going to be like
when you discover
someone from school
is doing really badly.
It always gives you that lovely,
warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
In fact, I've got a list
I carry around
in my man purse
of all the kids
doing worse than me.
Short list, is it?
Derrick Smitherton.
He was our head boy.
Won every prize going.
Dated all the
best-looking girls.
But he ended up
as a bald divorcee.
Working in a
sewage treatment plant
in the Falkland Islands.
And they say there's no God.
Butler!
Kryten.
How lovely to meet you.
Follow me and I'll escort
you to our bridge.
Oh, you have a bridge!
How very quaint.
Back on the Nova 5,
we have a command room.
Oh, how grand.
Our bridge is nothing
very special, I'm afraid.
I hope you don't mind,
but I prepared some canapes
I thought you might be
peckish after your journey.
So, we have bleu blanc coeur,
rilletts de menthe,
Or, if you prefer,
Baklan-cini bruschettes
with a tomato
balsamic reduction.
Mmm yum!
I'll match that yum
and raise you a yum
and make it yum, yum!
I hope you like
vintage champagne?
Krug Clos Du Mesnil 2140.
Indeed we do!
Derrieres up!
I'll have a beer.
This way.
After the crew died,
I converted this space
into a gallery
so I had somewhere
to keep the paintings.
Oh, the captain had
quite a collection!
These are quite stunning!
Oh no, no - these are
my paintings, Kryten.
You own all these paintings?
I painted the paintings.
It gives me a break
from the concertos
that I put on to entertain
the vending machines.
Are you musical, Kryten?
Sometimes he hums
when he's vaccing.
Musical?
No, Butler.
But it's long something
I've intended to take up.
Concerto.
The etymology is fascinating.
It's the conjunction of concerere,
meaning to join,
and certame; to fight.
The idea is that the
two parts of the concerto,
the soloist
and the orchestra,
alternate episodes of
opposition and cooperation
and the creation
of the music flow.
Uh, this floor -
am I right in
thinking you've used
our old friend
Piny-Shine with its
famed protective coating
and anti-slip finish?
I must confess
I don't recall.
I've been rather distracted lately
finishing my latest novel.
Reading?
Writing.
Splendid.
What's it about?
It delineates the events
surrounding the droid
uprising and invasion of Callisto
back in the late 22nd century,
and the impact the uprising
has on lunar society,
as seen through the eyes of
five privileged human families.
Do you write, Kryten?
Shopping lists,
laundry lists.
That midnight oil
hardly gets a breather!
Rimmer.
Incidentally, if any of you
have any diseases,
I most probably
have an antidote.
Breakthrough medical
cures is a hobby of mine.
Do you dabble in
medical science?
He's got a beltin' cure
for hiccoughs.
Yeah. You drink a glass of water
through a straw while sticking
your fingers in your ears.
No, no, no -
it so works!
We're expecting the
Nobel Prize for Medicine
through the cargo bay
door any day now.
Before I show you
the rest of my ship,
I have to make
one thing very clear;
I have no intention of
ever leaving the Nova 3.
My only captain now
is my own muse.
You will join us
for the day though, surely.
My pleasure.
Rimmer,
Have you seen
this painting here?
How is this
helping Kryten?
Forget Kryten!
If we can make
Butler change his mind,
this is a once in a lifetime
opportunity to update our mech!
What?
Get rid of Kryten?
Oh, we'll keep him
for the cleaning.
Let Butler take care
of the science.
I've only had a
perfunctory look,
but I think I can rather help
expand your EM booster circuits.
Well sadly that
won't be possible, Butler.
We simply cannot
afford to have Starbug
out of commission for
any length of time.
There.
Done.
Hang on,
what's this?!
The blinking machine's
gone full-on red blinky!
Gelf gunships - 6 of them.
Coming in at 210 mark 4.
60 seconds to intercept.
Coming in both fore
and starboard sides!
They're stabilizing!
Preparing to lock on!
Suggestions?!
Reroute power to
the fusion boosters.
Try and outrun them.
Okay, spinning up
engines one, drive two!
I don't mean to interfere
but if you do that,
won't the gunships
simply take advantage
of the open drives
and electro-jam the engine?
They've electro-jammed
our engines!
They're locking on!
Incoming.
Prepare yourself to die!
Human ship of scum.
Equahecte,
is that you?!
Butler?!
(Speaking Gelf.)
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
(Speaking Gelf.)
You two know each other?
I'm his daughter's godfather.
It was Equahecte's
way of thanking me
after I helped
his sick tribe.
My tribe avoid
big death
when Butler make
skin demons flee.
My pleasure.
And I still treasure the
Gelfberry wine you gave me.
Best weed killer
I've ever had!
My freesia and alders
absolutely love it.
(Speaking Gelf)
You're too kind!
Equahecte's promised to safely
escort us back to Red Dwarf
We must thank him.
On behalf of all the
Red Dwarf crew, let me say
(Speaking Gelf)
Actually Kryten, it's:
(Speaking Gelf)
Here, say it with me.
Maghhh. Mahhh.
No, it's-it's in the throat.
Maghh. Mahh.
No. Maghh. Mahh
Maghh, Mahh, Maghh, Maghh,
Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh
That's it!
Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh,
Maghh, Maghh, Maghh! Maghh
Yeah, let's say it's quite close.
The Sakken Yakko dialect's
a little trickier to master
than the Kinitawowi.
Later, I'd be happy
to go over with with you.
That would be most useful.
Oh, I forgot to ask,
Equahecte,
how's Baknaknigahf?
(Speaking Gelf)
His father is dying of fever.
Oh, do you have a cure, Butler?
Possibly. It's hard to say
without seeing him.
Well then you must go.
Go, begone and go!
Butler: (Speaking Gelf)
Equahecte: (Speaking Gelf)
They'll tele-port me
aboard their ship
and then afterwards
return me to the Nova 3.
I must bid you farewell.
Perhaps we could get together
sometime soon?
I have the Nova 3's handshake
frequencies written
right here, Sir.
Good luck, my friends.
And may every day bring
us each a little more wisdom.
Hey!
It's my watch.
No need Sir.
I'm happy to do it.
How ya doin'?
I'd just liked to have been
better than Butler at something.
Just one small, tiny,
itsy-bitty thing.
I had a mid-life crisis once.
You didn't say.
Yeah, it was about 3 years ago.
Had all the classic symptoms.
First, I denied it.
Then I got angry.
Then I started thinking about
missed opportunities,
then I got depressed.
And then finally,
I accepted it.
How long did this
whole thing last, Sir?
About 5 minutes.
5 minutes?!
Yeah, I just thought:
"Dave, you're getting older.
Move on!"
Just like that?!
That's how you have
a mid-life crisis
in the North, Krytes!
Bish, Bosch, done.
You don't toss about.
I wish I could
be the same, Sir.
But I just can't.
Things didn't exactly go to
plan back there, did they?
It really brought home to me
what a wretched failure
my whole life has been.
Butler is several
generations before me,
and yet he's done so much more
with what he's been given.
Whoa!
What the smeg was that?!
It's the EM boosters.
Of course!
Butler, the damn fool,
He didn't realize,
that unlike the Nova 3,
all our boards have
universal linkage!
Meaning?!
The engines are
gonna burnout, Sir.
He'll look utterly stupid!
So does that mean
we're gonna crash?
How stupid is he
gonna look then!
Yeah, but say we die!
Even better!
Is there no way
we can land and repair?!
Well, we could.
But why should we
help Butler out?
Kryten!
Oh, my jealousy chip's
overloading, Sir!
Return to sane mode.
Of course we should land.
Where?
Anywhere before the
whole board is affected.
Turning all power off now.
Couldn't we make it
back to Red Dwarf?!
Too many course adjustments.
We need to find somewhere
along our present line of velocity.
Okay.
Scanning.
Scanning.
Scanning.
There!
It's about 9 hours from here.
We can make it!
Look, take over.
I'll go tell the others!
And don't forget to tell them
whose fault it was!
Perhaps I'm gonna give
you a call after all!
This is perfect!
All we need is a power source
to setup the adjustment array.
SIU?
What's that?
The Search for an Intelligent Universe.
This must have been
the missing space station
the Nova 3 was looking for.
The universe,
so some scientists believe,
is a living entity.
So they built a space station
to communicate with it?
No doubt armed with rizlas
the length of ski bags.
Well, judging by a cursory glance
through the crew files, Sir,
they all appear to be
leading pioneers in their fields.
And I think we all know
what was growing in their fields.
Did any communication
ever take place
between the scientists
and the universe?
It appears not.
Maybe they called
and the universe was out?
More likely, the scientists were
long dead before the computers
their billions of calibrations.
Look at that.
It's like call waiting.
It appears as if
the universe is on hold, Sir.
No way has it been
waiting all this time.
It's going to be
seriously smegged off.
Not as smegged off as Butler
when he finds out
what we've discovered!
Leave this to me.
Hello.
Is there anyone there?
Yes.
I am here.
To whom as I speaking, please?
I am the entity
known to you as
The Universe.
Ah, Mr. Universe, Sir.
It's not "Mr. Universe", Rimmer.
That's some geezer with
pecs and a posin' pouch.
Ask him the meaning of life.
Hang on.
How can we know for certain
that you are, indeed, THE universe?
I am the universe.
I am everything.
I am the entire
contents of space.
I am all matter
and energy.
I am time.
I am the totality of
all existence.
Says you.
But can you prove it?
What are you
asking for, Rimmer?
A utility bill?
Photo ID?
A spend-and-save card?
Look.
Let me take over.
For you, Kryten.
You're up.
Sir?
All your worries
about the big burst,
the meaning of life -
now's your chance.
Ask the Universe.
Perhaps you can help, Sir.
I've been struggling of late
to comprehend
the point of existence.
Explain.
Well, if you're going to die
in 14 billion years' time,
what's the point
in anything?
Wait.
I'm gonna die?!
Oh, yes.
Wh... in just
14 billion years' time?!
I'm halfway
through my life, then.
No wonder I'm not
as hot as I once was.
No wonder I'm
expanding exponentially.
You've just sent the universe
into a full-on mid-life crisis.
Oh my!
Halfway through my life,
and I've only ever created
one lousy, stupid planet
with intelligent life.
And that's debatable.
What have I've been
doing all this time?
Making life from nothing
is really rather tricky, Sir.
You've done rather well!
Wait.
If - if I die and I leave
nothing behind,
my life has no meaning.
And existence is senseless.
Ain't that right?
No!
No?
I've been thinking about this.
If you created in the universe,
then you must
have created love.
And it strikes me that
there may be no God,
and no afterlife,
no one knows.
But we do know love exists.
And if it does,
then life has meaning.
Let's hear it for the universe!
Great job, Guy!
That's very kind.
Thank you.
I must confess,
I feel a whole lot better.
So do I!
Is there any advice you can
give us before we jog on?
Yes.
What?
Kryten, take off that suit.
It really sucks.
What a very strange day.
Strange, but reassuring.
I realize now,
we're all in the same boat.
Even the universe.
And even though
the boat has a hole in it,
at least we get to
see the sea!
Butler, it's Kryten.
I'm calling to say
"Hi" and thank you for today.
Ha!
Not at all.
Incidentally,
when we left you,
we stumbled across
a space station.
And the most
incredible thing,
it turned out to be the
space station you were looking for,
and guess what!
We actually talked
to the universe.
The actual universe itself.
What do you make of that?
Oh, you know the universe?
You call him Uni?
You purposely expanded
our EM circuits so I'd meet him?!
You thought it might help me?!
You have him on speed dial!?