Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Episode #11.6 - full transcript
- Ah.- What's this?
I salvaged it fromthe medistation, sir.
It's a personality tuck machine.
Mmm, so it can perform correctivesurgery on your character?
Exactly. It scans the patient'sbrain and forms a personality map.
It's then able toenhance, remove,
even sculpt the very traits thatmake that person who they are.
Hypothetically... I'mspeaking hypothetically here,
do you think I could dowith a little work?
Take a seat, sir. I'llcancel this week's schedule.
So, what can you dofor me exactly?
I'll begin by just working out the areasI think we might be able to improve.
Now here, here, here,
here, here, definitely here.
Yes, all right, Kryten,get on with it, man.
Well, take your pomposity,large and unsightly.
Your self-importance, too,is massively engorged.
What's that huge areain the middle there?
Well, that isyour cowardice, sir.
Perhaps you'd like meto perform a cowardectomy?
What? Reduce it to sort ofwimp-o-plasty?
Hey, what's happening, buds?
I'm about to perform somepersonality surgery on Mr Rimmer.
He's getting a new personality?Great idea.
Not new, moulded,tightened, lifted, shaped.
This is gonna transform me.
I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormousbald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
Now, Kryten, one thing.This isn't gonna hurt, is it?
There'll just be the slightest,
- infinitesimally tiny little scratch.- Scratch?
- Well, when I insert the laser.- Laser?
- Well, it has to burn...- Burn?
Well, perhaps I should giveyou a hollow sedative, sir.
- With a needle?- Sir, please.
I'll talk you through every aspectof the procedure step by step.
Right now, I'm just in the...Where, where's he gone?
Out the door and left.
Oh, Einstein was wrong. It ispossible to break the speed of light.
What the...
Guys? Keep the noise down,I'm trying to sleep here.
Whoa! What's going on?We're way off course here.
Who's the jokerin charge of navigation?
You are, sir.
Seriously? Oh, man.I think I might've dosed off.
Lister, we're 5,000 clicksoff course.
All you had to do was engage autopilot.Your watch, your fault.
You can't blame me for this.
What kind of lunch was thatto give your pilot?
Roast beef with all thetrimmings, followed by seconds,
followed by sticky toffeepudding, followed by seconds,
followed by beer and coffee andcheese and brandy and port and cigars
and that little chocolate mint.
What chance did I stand aftera Sunday lunch like that?
- How long have I been out?- It's Monday, sir.
Oh, man. No way.
It's gonna take us foreverto get back to Red Dwarf now.
Maybe we could take a short cutacross that asteroid belt.
GELF country?
If the stories areto be believed,
the particular tribe of GELFthat inhabit belt Juno 98
are the...
Oh, sorry. I just satdown on a screwdriver.
Why does nobody tidy uparound here except me?
Kryten, you were saying?
I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particulartribe are the Nacky Ninckers.
Vampire GELFs to you and me.
Vampire GELFs?
The story goes they feaston the blood of virgins.
Feast on the blood of virgins.
Who believes that?Taking her in.
Wait a minute, hang onhere, slow the hell down.
- What's the problem?- I'm just curious.
How do they tell the virginsfrom the non-virgins?
Well, according to the ancientmyths, they can smell them.
Smell 'em? What the helldoes a virgin smell of?
Desperation, normally.
Actually, sir,the actual science is
that the GELFs can smell thepheromone produced by fear.
Only the virgins are scared,
so they're the only onesproducing the fear pheromone.
- Thus no issue for us.- Taking her in.
Hang on, hold up. Can we discussthis for one stupid, lousy second?
- Hang on a minute, are you...- No.
- I suppose you must...- No!
- I never really...- Don't even say it.
Okay. Moving on.
Didn't mean to open upa can of worms here.
I've had my share,let me tell ya.
More than my share.
Plus, I've had full blownlove affairs, too.
Well, yes,mirror in the bathroom,
mirror in the hall...I'd forgotten about those.
Don't you guys know thatcats always have two homes?
I got a lady catback on Red Dwarf.
- Hell, I got two.- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.- On Zed deck.
Exactly. That's wherethey are, on Zed deck.
But hiding from you guys, becausethey're only interested in me.
We will go the long way 'round.
And be quick about it, because I gottaget back to my lady cats on Zed deck.
I'm suddenly startingto miss 'em real bad.
I'm picking up a ship.
The energy signature'sbarely registering.
The signal's weaker thanthe San Marino reserve team.
Posting, logging intotheir mainframe.
Don't bother, in this region of space,it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.
Maintain current course.
That gets my vote.
According to the hack, it'sa transport ship, crew two,
one Mercenoid, one prisoner.
A merce-what?
A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, whohas agreed to sacrifice his life
in exchange for softwareupdates in silicone heaven.
These Mercenoids are nuttierthan a vegetarian breakfast.
That probably explains whythe Mercenoid and his prisoner
are on a death dive into the heartof a super-massive black hole.
So what now?
We're gonna board that crate beforeit passes the event horizon.
Risk our necks for one prisoner?
Rimmer, that prisoner might behuman, we can't just abandon them.
Never say can't, Lister.
You put your mind to it, there'sno limit to who you can abandon.
All right, Cat, take her in.Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone.
What, why?
Because I've got an idea.
Right. Come on, let's do this.
Good luck, keep in touch.
More ship Intelcoming through via the hack.
They were transporting scientificequipment to a bio-station on Orta 15.
Something doesn't smell right.
The ship's log's been deleted and theblack box has also been wiped clean.
I'm not getting any picturesfrom your head cam.
There must be some kind ofsignal block in place.
How about now?
Yes, getting pictures now.What did you do?
Oh, I just recalibrated thefluctuation drive band signal.
- Impressive.- Thanks.
You're not gonna like this,
but I'm picking up somethingin the movement tracker.
Life signs, organic and partorganic, in corridor Beta 12.
Where exactly in Beta 12?
At the south entrance.
That's where we are.
Then you should be able to see them,they're there right on top of you.
They may be in the ceilingor under the floor. Run!
Go back, get out of there!Move! Now! Forwards!
Not that way, the other way!
No, the other way.
Lister, move!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Could these life signs...
Could they,by any chance, be us?
Ah, yes, of course.
Organic and part organic.Yes, it's you.
They should warn you aboutthat in the instruction manual.
Someone could come along andmake a right idiot of himself.
Ah, it does mention it.
It's this bit herein big red capitals.
So easy to miss.
I'm picking up EM emissions.This way, sirs.
I know you are here, humies.
If you want to live,you must leave.
He's right.I think we should go.
- Sir...- You haven't seen him. Okay.
I wanna talk about your prisoner.I wanna do a trade.
- No trade.- Let's talk.
No talk.
Now, take my advice and go.
Leave.
Who's your prisonerand what have they done?
That is my business, not yours.
You can trustus, you really can.
You will achieveall your dreams.
Size doesn't matter.
You are very handsome.
And women thinkyou're extremely attractive.
Actually,that's not really true,
so drop your weaponand turn round slowly.
Head count down, what's going on?Are you okay?
We're fine, sir.Mercenoid down.
I think I've located theprisoner, up two floors, bay 12.
Buds, am I pleased to see you.
- Wait, are you...- Are you?
- Ow.- Ow.
- You got a name?- Sure I do, stupid.
- Who doesn't have a name?- Ow.
Incidentally that's mine,that's mine,
that's mine, that's mine,all this is mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.What about that bit?
That's mine, too.
Ow!
This is mine,that's mine, this is mine.
Basically, all of this is mine.Even that bit.
- What about that bit?- Mine.
- And that?- Mine. And that bit, all mine.
Look, we'll catchyou guys later.
Hey, why don't we meet up lateron the pretext of having dinner,
but insteadplay the string game?
I love the string game.
- Ow!- Ow!
Ow. Hey? You bring you,I'll bring the string.
See you at 8:00.
If you'd like to follow me, ma'am,I'll show you to your quarters.
Ow!
Ow!
Whoa, Kryten.What's the big emergency?
Extremely disturbing news, sir.
According to theMercenoid's black box,
that cat we brought on RedDwarf is not a felis sapien.
It's not a cat.What is it, then?
It's a Polymorph, sir.
A Polymorph that's shapeshifted into a felis sapien?
- Precisely.- That's why the Mercenoid
was flying into that black hole.
It was the only way he couldensure the Polymorph's death.
And we killed the Mercenoid, saved thePolymorph and brought it on board ship.
Our nomination for JMC crew of theyear is starting to look unlikely.
Those damn space monkeys from theOmega 4 are gonna get it again.
And another thing,according to the black box,
the Polymorph is carrying eggs.
Eggs that hatch?
No, Kinder eggs.
Of course eggs that hatch.
Okay, when will they hatch?
Soon after a mum has found ahost body to deposit them in.
I don't know if I wannaknow this but, um, explain.
Well, I found a genetic mutantdocumentary on RedNet.
I was about to watch it.
Evening falls andthe impregnated female Polymorph
seduces a passing organism
by appearing to be his mate
and secretly deposits her eggs
in the unlucky host's body.
- Where's the Cat?- What's the time?
Oh, he's on his datewith the Polymorph.
♪ Seemed so wrong
♪ But now it seems so right
♪ What a lady, what a night ♪
Did you sleep with her?What happened?
Hey, I ain't kissingand telling.
I've had enough kissing forone night, let me tell ya.
You don't understand,we need to know.
All I'm saying is that she hadsome moves you'd never even seen.
- Like what?- Like when you're rolling around
making out,then the next thing you know,
her big pipe thingshoots out of her back,
hovers above youlike a crazy snake,
then whooshes straightdown your throat. Whoo!
Man, I was like...
Cat, women don't havea big pipe thing.
Not for you maybe.
But if you drive 'em crazy byblowing on their antennas...
What antennas?
Boom, out it comes.
Then what happened?
The usual, she just released hergushy tadpole stuff down her pipe.
Then afterwards, she saidshe'd never been with anyone
who could hold so many eggs.
I don't knowwhat the hell she meant,
but I think it meant I did good.
See you in the morning, buds.
♪ Oh, what a night
♪ Why'd it take so longto see the... ♪
Just listen to me.
How do I break this to you?You're a moron!
Oh, Rimmer. Go easy on him.Let me handle this.
Cat man, you're a moron!
Sir, that wasn't a woman.It wasn't a felis sapien, sir.
- It was a shape shifter.- A what?
It wasn't a cat,it wasn't a woman,
you just had sex with a geneticallyengineered insectoid arachnid.
It still counts.
C'mon.
It counts.
Why doesn't it count?
I'm counting it.
Let me tell you,
she looked a hell of a lotbetter last night.
Its life cycle complete,it's died,
as the female Polymorphoften does
after the exhaustive process
of depositing her morphlingsinto a host body.
Depositing her what into what?
Sir, we need to get you to the scienceroom and give you a full medical.
Morphling?What's a morphling?
- We'll tell you later.- Eh?
When you're securely strappedto a medi-bed.
Just to explainthe ultrasound, sir,
the probe sends a pulsethrough your skin
and into your body,and the echo bounces back,
which allows us to make surethat everything is...
Oh, my God.
Hey, what the hell's happening?
We're just checking, sir.
How many are there?
One, two, three, four.
What about them two?Five, six.
And those down thereare seven, eight.
- We've gotta tell him.- So tell him.
- Er, better coming from Kryten.- Why me?
Because you've gota better bedside manner
when it comes to telling patientsthey're raddled with Polymorphs.
Hey, hey, what are you saying?Are you talking about me?
Sir, I have some bad news.
You are pregnantwith eight Polymorph eggs.
When they hatch, they willliterally burst out of you
using the nearest orificeavailable.
You mean rather than formingan orderly queue?
What the hell we gonna do?
First, I think it's essentialthat you eat something, sir.
You've got to have all yourstrength to fight against them.
They're currently depriving yourbody of many essential vitamins.
I can't eat at a time like this.
Sir, you must try.
I just want these thingsout of me.
Have you thought abouta caesarean?
- Okay.- Are you sure?
Yeah, but no croutons.
It's not a salad, you gimboid.
It's an operation wherethey laser open your abdomen.
I think it's your only chanceof survival, sir.
Hey, there's no way...
Thank God I didn't havethat cowardectomy.
We need to sedate him somehow.
Wise words, sir.
Well, at least that'sbought us some time.
We just need to get cleaned upand do this.
Scalpel.
- Scalpel.- Scalpel.
Has someone been playing aroundwith the settings on this thing?
Oh.
Right. I'm going in.
Hang on, look at the scanner.
The morphlings are going crazy.
What are they turning into?
Tumours. They know we'retrying to extract them early
and they're fightingfire with fire.
We kill them, they kill him.
What do we do?
We have to let them be bornin the normal way.
Do you mean normal as in shooting outof every orifice simultaneously?
It'll be a bit like meafter a dodgy egg bhuna.
They're assuming theshapes of household objects
and trying to blend in.
Oh, we've got a wriggler.
Oh, it's gonna be so hard
flushing this lot into deep space.They're so cute.
Sir, it's theirdefence mechanism.
They're trying to avoidbeing flushed into space.
Look, there's a chinchillawith a pink hat
and a hamster on a skateboard.
Those Dalmatianpuppies, look at them.
And like a hedgehogin a top hat,
sitting inside amini shopping trolley.
Aw.
Sirs, they are doing this onpurpose to make us feel guilty.
You must remember what they're goingto turn into when they reach maturity.
I mean, most things look adorablewhen they're first born,
even velociraptors,even The Rolling Stones.
- So cute.- Sir, they're evil genetic mutants.
I should flush 'em.
I got us into this mess, I shouldbe the one to get us out of it.
Are you sure?
I just wanna have a minuteto say goodbye.
We'll be just roundthe corner, sir.
Oh, look at that one.That one is cute.
Sir...
How long's he gonna be?
He's gone! Oh, why didn'tI anticipate this?
He's been affected by the oxytocinhormone released by the morphlings.
- The what?- It's a hormone
that the morphlings excrete toensure their hosts look after them
until they're strong enough tostand on their own six suckers.
- And then devour his emotions.- Precisely.
We've gotta find him.
We have to narrow downthe search somehow.
I've got an idea.
Turn off all the heat in the shipapart from in the diesel decks,
- so it'll drive him down there.- And then what?
Track them down undetected.
They are Polymorphs, they feed offemotions, they will sense us.
Not if one of us has got no emotionsas they've had them all removed.
Hey?
Listy, if you have a personality tuckto remove your emotions, we're sorted.
That stupid tuck machine?Why me?
Kryten's the only one who knows howto operate it, so it can't be him.
It can't be me obviously,that leaves you.
- Why can't it be you?- Don't interrupt.
Then after the tuck, you'll be able towalk amongst the morphlings undetected.
They feed on human emotions.
And if you've got no emotions,they won't know you're there.
And what will happento my emotions?
We'll just download your brain.
Kryten, have a five-megabytememory stick on standby.
Will do, sir.
Oh, I'm not sure about this.
Ah, you're done. Excellent.
I haven't started yet, sir.
Mr Lister?
Sorry, I was miles away.
Are you ready, sir?
Yeah, c'mon, let's do it.
- Let's send him in, then get this done.- Ah...
- What?- Well, according to the tracker,
we are now completelysurrounded by life forms.
Morphlings appear to have reached fullmaturation quicker than expected.
But what about the cat?
Does that mean they've alreadyscoffed all his emotions?
Well, according to the tracker,there are nine life forms.
He's still alive, but barely.
Living in anemotionless semi-state,
his mind almost totally blank.
No change there, then.
But with each Polymorphwe eliminate, sir,
part of the Cat's personalitywill return.
Hey, buds, I need a hand here.I'm busted up really bad.
- How did you know that wasn't the Cat?- I didn't.
- So why did you shoot him?- Why not?
Help me.
What's wrong with him?
He's got no emotions, sir.
We've turned him intoa dehumanised assassin.
- So what should we do?- May I suggest, sir, run mode.
Oh, oh, there you are, sir.
I fear Mr Listermay be a Polymorph.
That's how he was able to detect theother Polymorphs and kill them.
Why would he be killing them?
Oh, they're known forkilling each other, sir.
That way, there's more foodfor the victor.
We can't trust anyone.
So how can I trust you?
Well, er, how can I trust you?
And how can I trusteither of you?
How many are left?
Mmm, make it six.
Six, yeah, that's right.And he could be one of them.
- I'm not a Polymorph.- Neither am I.
Nor me.
What do we do?Why am I asking you?
Because I'm not a Polymorph,but you might be.
So might you.
Right, how about we go downto the science room
and X-ray each other.That way we can be sure.
Good idea.
After you,after you, after you...
This is a nightmare.
For crying out loud, isn'tthis hard enough already?
Let's get to the science roomand X-ray one another.
Hey, guys! They had metied up, but I got away.
What's happening?
There are six Polymorphs hereand we don't know who's who.
Ah, I'm sure you'll work it out.Catch you later. Ow!
Let's get to the lift.
How did you know who was who?
A mamma always knows her kids.
It's me. Can I come in?
I'm trying to sleep, bud.
Cat, I just wanted to talk to youabout that thing that you're not.
I mean, I know you're not, you knowyou're not, we both know you're not.
- Because I'm not.- Exactly.
But if you were,which you're not,
it wouldn't mean thatyou were a loser,
it wouldn't mean thatyou weren't cool.
It would just mean that youhadn't met the right girl yet.
- But I'm not.- Exactly.
- So no need to have this talk.- Exactly.
- So go away.- I'm gone.
Man, is he annoying.
So damn patronising.
Don't he know a catalways has two homes?
I tried to tell him,but he won't listen.
Hey, it's late.
We keep talking and there ain'tgonna be much time for loving.
This is a dream, isn't it?
But look on the bright side,you haven't woke up yet.
Let's go, pipe me!
♪ It's cold outsidethere's no kind of atmosphere
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
♪ Let me flyfar away from here
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
♪ I want to lie,shipwrecked and comatose
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
♪ Goldfish shoalsnibbling at my toes
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
I salvaged it fromthe medistation, sir.
It's a personality tuck machine.
Mmm, so it can perform correctivesurgery on your character?
Exactly. It scans the patient'sbrain and forms a personality map.
It's then able toenhance, remove,
even sculpt the very traits thatmake that person who they are.
Hypothetically... I'mspeaking hypothetically here,
do you think I could dowith a little work?
Take a seat, sir. I'llcancel this week's schedule.
So, what can you dofor me exactly?
I'll begin by just working out the areasI think we might be able to improve.
Now here, here, here,
here, here, definitely here.
Yes, all right, Kryten,get on with it, man.
Well, take your pomposity,large and unsightly.
Your self-importance, too,is massively engorged.
What's that huge areain the middle there?
Well, that isyour cowardice, sir.
Perhaps you'd like meto perform a cowardectomy?
What? Reduce it to sort ofwimp-o-plasty?
Hey, what's happening, buds?
I'm about to perform somepersonality surgery on Mr Rimmer.
He's getting a new personality?Great idea.
Not new, moulded,tightened, lifted, shaped.
This is gonna transform me.
I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormousbald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
Now, Kryten, one thing.This isn't gonna hurt, is it?
There'll just be the slightest,
- infinitesimally tiny little scratch.- Scratch?
- Well, when I insert the laser.- Laser?
- Well, it has to burn...- Burn?
Well, perhaps I should giveyou a hollow sedative, sir.
- With a needle?- Sir, please.
I'll talk you through every aspectof the procedure step by step.
Right now, I'm just in the...Where, where's he gone?
Out the door and left.
Oh, Einstein was wrong. It ispossible to break the speed of light.
What the...
Guys? Keep the noise down,I'm trying to sleep here.
Whoa! What's going on?We're way off course here.
Who's the jokerin charge of navigation?
You are, sir.
Seriously? Oh, man.I think I might've dosed off.
Lister, we're 5,000 clicksoff course.
All you had to do was engage autopilot.Your watch, your fault.
You can't blame me for this.
What kind of lunch was thatto give your pilot?
Roast beef with all thetrimmings, followed by seconds,
followed by sticky toffeepudding, followed by seconds,
followed by beer and coffee andcheese and brandy and port and cigars
and that little chocolate mint.
What chance did I stand aftera Sunday lunch like that?
- How long have I been out?- It's Monday, sir.
Oh, man. No way.
It's gonna take us foreverto get back to Red Dwarf now.
Maybe we could take a short cutacross that asteroid belt.
GELF country?
If the stories areto be believed,
the particular tribe of GELFthat inhabit belt Juno 98
are the...
Oh, sorry. I just satdown on a screwdriver.
Why does nobody tidy uparound here except me?
Kryten, you were saying?
I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particulartribe are the Nacky Ninckers.
Vampire GELFs to you and me.
Vampire GELFs?
The story goes they feaston the blood of virgins.
Feast on the blood of virgins.
Who believes that?Taking her in.
Wait a minute, hang onhere, slow the hell down.
- What's the problem?- I'm just curious.
How do they tell the virginsfrom the non-virgins?
Well, according to the ancientmyths, they can smell them.
Smell 'em? What the helldoes a virgin smell of?
Desperation, normally.
Actually, sir,the actual science is
that the GELFs can smell thepheromone produced by fear.
Only the virgins are scared,
so they're the only onesproducing the fear pheromone.
- Thus no issue for us.- Taking her in.
Hang on, hold up. Can we discussthis for one stupid, lousy second?
- Hang on a minute, are you...- No.
- I suppose you must...- No!
- I never really...- Don't even say it.
Okay. Moving on.
Didn't mean to open upa can of worms here.
I've had my share,let me tell ya.
More than my share.
Plus, I've had full blownlove affairs, too.
Well, yes,mirror in the bathroom,
mirror in the hall...I'd forgotten about those.
Don't you guys know thatcats always have two homes?
I got a lady catback on Red Dwarf.
- Hell, I got two.- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.- On Zed deck.
Exactly. That's wherethey are, on Zed deck.
But hiding from you guys, becausethey're only interested in me.
We will go the long way 'round.
And be quick about it, because I gottaget back to my lady cats on Zed deck.
I'm suddenly startingto miss 'em real bad.
I'm picking up a ship.
The energy signature'sbarely registering.
The signal's weaker thanthe San Marino reserve team.
Posting, logging intotheir mainframe.
Don't bother, in this region of space,it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.
Maintain current course.
That gets my vote.
According to the hack, it'sa transport ship, crew two,
one Mercenoid, one prisoner.
A merce-what?
A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, whohas agreed to sacrifice his life
in exchange for softwareupdates in silicone heaven.
These Mercenoids are nuttierthan a vegetarian breakfast.
That probably explains whythe Mercenoid and his prisoner
are on a death dive into the heartof a super-massive black hole.
So what now?
We're gonna board that crate beforeit passes the event horizon.
Risk our necks for one prisoner?
Rimmer, that prisoner might behuman, we can't just abandon them.
Never say can't, Lister.
You put your mind to it, there'sno limit to who you can abandon.
All right, Cat, take her in.Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone.
What, why?
Because I've got an idea.
Right. Come on, let's do this.
Good luck, keep in touch.
More ship Intelcoming through via the hack.
They were transporting scientificequipment to a bio-station on Orta 15.
Something doesn't smell right.
The ship's log's been deleted and theblack box has also been wiped clean.
I'm not getting any picturesfrom your head cam.
There must be some kind ofsignal block in place.
How about now?
Yes, getting pictures now.What did you do?
Oh, I just recalibrated thefluctuation drive band signal.
- Impressive.- Thanks.
You're not gonna like this,
but I'm picking up somethingin the movement tracker.
Life signs, organic and partorganic, in corridor Beta 12.
Where exactly in Beta 12?
At the south entrance.
That's where we are.
Then you should be able to see them,they're there right on top of you.
They may be in the ceilingor under the floor. Run!
Go back, get out of there!Move! Now! Forwards!
Not that way, the other way!
No, the other way.
Lister, move!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Could these life signs...
Could they,by any chance, be us?
Ah, yes, of course.
Organic and part organic.Yes, it's you.
They should warn you aboutthat in the instruction manual.
Someone could come along andmake a right idiot of himself.
Ah, it does mention it.
It's this bit herein big red capitals.
So easy to miss.
I'm picking up EM emissions.This way, sirs.
I know you are here, humies.
If you want to live,you must leave.
He's right.I think we should go.
- Sir...- You haven't seen him. Okay.
I wanna talk about your prisoner.I wanna do a trade.
- No trade.- Let's talk.
No talk.
Now, take my advice and go.
Leave.
Who's your prisonerand what have they done?
That is my business, not yours.
You can trustus, you really can.
You will achieveall your dreams.
Size doesn't matter.
You are very handsome.
And women thinkyou're extremely attractive.
Actually,that's not really true,
so drop your weaponand turn round slowly.
Head count down, what's going on?Are you okay?
We're fine, sir.Mercenoid down.
I think I've located theprisoner, up two floors, bay 12.
Buds, am I pleased to see you.
- Wait, are you...- Are you?
- Ow.- Ow.
- You got a name?- Sure I do, stupid.
- Who doesn't have a name?- Ow.
Incidentally that's mine,that's mine,
that's mine, that's mine,all this is mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.What about that bit?
That's mine, too.
Ow!
This is mine,that's mine, this is mine.
Basically, all of this is mine.Even that bit.
- What about that bit?- Mine.
- And that?- Mine. And that bit, all mine.
Look, we'll catchyou guys later.
Hey, why don't we meet up lateron the pretext of having dinner,
but insteadplay the string game?
I love the string game.
- Ow!- Ow!
Ow. Hey? You bring you,I'll bring the string.
See you at 8:00.
If you'd like to follow me, ma'am,I'll show you to your quarters.
Ow!
Ow!
Whoa, Kryten.What's the big emergency?
Extremely disturbing news, sir.
According to theMercenoid's black box,
that cat we brought on RedDwarf is not a felis sapien.
It's not a cat.What is it, then?
It's a Polymorph, sir.
A Polymorph that's shapeshifted into a felis sapien?
- Precisely.- That's why the Mercenoid
was flying into that black hole.
It was the only way he couldensure the Polymorph's death.
And we killed the Mercenoid, saved thePolymorph and brought it on board ship.
Our nomination for JMC crew of theyear is starting to look unlikely.
Those damn space monkeys from theOmega 4 are gonna get it again.
And another thing,according to the black box,
the Polymorph is carrying eggs.
Eggs that hatch?
No, Kinder eggs.
Of course eggs that hatch.
Okay, when will they hatch?
Soon after a mum has found ahost body to deposit them in.
I don't know if I wannaknow this but, um, explain.
Well, I found a genetic mutantdocumentary on RedNet.
I was about to watch it.
Evening falls andthe impregnated female Polymorph
seduces a passing organism
by appearing to be his mate
and secretly deposits her eggs
in the unlucky host's body.
- Where's the Cat?- What's the time?
Oh, he's on his datewith the Polymorph.
♪ Seemed so wrong
♪ But now it seems so right
♪ What a lady, what a night ♪
Did you sleep with her?What happened?
Hey, I ain't kissingand telling.
I've had enough kissing forone night, let me tell ya.
You don't understand,we need to know.
All I'm saying is that she hadsome moves you'd never even seen.
- Like what?- Like when you're rolling around
making out,then the next thing you know,
her big pipe thingshoots out of her back,
hovers above youlike a crazy snake,
then whooshes straightdown your throat. Whoo!
Man, I was like...
Cat, women don't havea big pipe thing.
Not for you maybe.
But if you drive 'em crazy byblowing on their antennas...
What antennas?
Boom, out it comes.
Then what happened?
The usual, she just released hergushy tadpole stuff down her pipe.
Then afterwards, she saidshe'd never been with anyone
who could hold so many eggs.
I don't knowwhat the hell she meant,
but I think it meant I did good.
See you in the morning, buds.
♪ Oh, what a night
♪ Why'd it take so longto see the... ♪
Just listen to me.
How do I break this to you?You're a moron!
Oh, Rimmer. Go easy on him.Let me handle this.
Cat man, you're a moron!
Sir, that wasn't a woman.It wasn't a felis sapien, sir.
- It was a shape shifter.- A what?
It wasn't a cat,it wasn't a woman,
you just had sex with a geneticallyengineered insectoid arachnid.
It still counts.
C'mon.
It counts.
Why doesn't it count?
I'm counting it.
Let me tell you,
she looked a hell of a lotbetter last night.
Its life cycle complete,it's died,
as the female Polymorphoften does
after the exhaustive process
of depositing her morphlingsinto a host body.
Depositing her what into what?
Sir, we need to get you to the scienceroom and give you a full medical.
Morphling?What's a morphling?
- We'll tell you later.- Eh?
When you're securely strappedto a medi-bed.
Just to explainthe ultrasound, sir,
the probe sends a pulsethrough your skin
and into your body,and the echo bounces back,
which allows us to make surethat everything is...
Oh, my God.
Hey, what the hell's happening?
We're just checking, sir.
How many are there?
One, two, three, four.
What about them two?Five, six.
And those down thereare seven, eight.
- We've gotta tell him.- So tell him.
- Er, better coming from Kryten.- Why me?
Because you've gota better bedside manner
when it comes to telling patientsthey're raddled with Polymorphs.
Hey, hey, what are you saying?Are you talking about me?
Sir, I have some bad news.
You are pregnantwith eight Polymorph eggs.
When they hatch, they willliterally burst out of you
using the nearest orificeavailable.
You mean rather than formingan orderly queue?
What the hell we gonna do?
First, I think it's essentialthat you eat something, sir.
You've got to have all yourstrength to fight against them.
They're currently depriving yourbody of many essential vitamins.
I can't eat at a time like this.
Sir, you must try.
I just want these thingsout of me.
Have you thought abouta caesarean?
- Okay.- Are you sure?
Yeah, but no croutons.
It's not a salad, you gimboid.
It's an operation wherethey laser open your abdomen.
I think it's your only chanceof survival, sir.
Hey, there's no way...
Thank God I didn't havethat cowardectomy.
We need to sedate him somehow.
Wise words, sir.
Well, at least that'sbought us some time.
We just need to get cleaned upand do this.
Scalpel.
- Scalpel.- Scalpel.
Has someone been playing aroundwith the settings on this thing?
Oh.
Right. I'm going in.
Hang on, look at the scanner.
The morphlings are going crazy.
What are they turning into?
Tumours. They know we'retrying to extract them early
and they're fightingfire with fire.
We kill them, they kill him.
What do we do?
We have to let them be bornin the normal way.
Do you mean normal as in shooting outof every orifice simultaneously?
It'll be a bit like meafter a dodgy egg bhuna.
They're assuming theshapes of household objects
and trying to blend in.
Oh, we've got a wriggler.
Oh, it's gonna be so hard
flushing this lot into deep space.They're so cute.
Sir, it's theirdefence mechanism.
They're trying to avoidbeing flushed into space.
Look, there's a chinchillawith a pink hat
and a hamster on a skateboard.
Those Dalmatianpuppies, look at them.
And like a hedgehogin a top hat,
sitting inside amini shopping trolley.
Aw.
Sirs, they are doing this onpurpose to make us feel guilty.
You must remember what they're goingto turn into when they reach maturity.
I mean, most things look adorablewhen they're first born,
even velociraptors,even The Rolling Stones.
- So cute.- Sir, they're evil genetic mutants.
I should flush 'em.
I got us into this mess, I shouldbe the one to get us out of it.
Are you sure?
I just wanna have a minuteto say goodbye.
We'll be just roundthe corner, sir.
Oh, look at that one.That one is cute.
Sir...
How long's he gonna be?
He's gone! Oh, why didn'tI anticipate this?
He's been affected by the oxytocinhormone released by the morphlings.
- The what?- It's a hormone
that the morphlings excrete toensure their hosts look after them
until they're strong enough tostand on their own six suckers.
- And then devour his emotions.- Precisely.
We've gotta find him.
We have to narrow downthe search somehow.
I've got an idea.
Turn off all the heat in the shipapart from in the diesel decks,
- so it'll drive him down there.- And then what?
Track them down undetected.
They are Polymorphs, they feed offemotions, they will sense us.
Not if one of us has got no emotionsas they've had them all removed.
Hey?
Listy, if you have a personality tuckto remove your emotions, we're sorted.
That stupid tuck machine?Why me?
Kryten's the only one who knows howto operate it, so it can't be him.
It can't be me obviously,that leaves you.
- Why can't it be you?- Don't interrupt.
Then after the tuck, you'll be able towalk amongst the morphlings undetected.
They feed on human emotions.
And if you've got no emotions,they won't know you're there.
And what will happento my emotions?
We'll just download your brain.
Kryten, have a five-megabytememory stick on standby.
Will do, sir.
Oh, I'm not sure about this.
Ah, you're done. Excellent.
I haven't started yet, sir.
Mr Lister?
Sorry, I was miles away.
Are you ready, sir?
Yeah, c'mon, let's do it.
- Let's send him in, then get this done.- Ah...
- What?- Well, according to the tracker,
we are now completelysurrounded by life forms.
Morphlings appear to have reached fullmaturation quicker than expected.
But what about the cat?
Does that mean they've alreadyscoffed all his emotions?
Well, according to the tracker,there are nine life forms.
He's still alive, but barely.
Living in anemotionless semi-state,
his mind almost totally blank.
No change there, then.
But with each Polymorphwe eliminate, sir,
part of the Cat's personalitywill return.
Hey, buds, I need a hand here.I'm busted up really bad.
- How did you know that wasn't the Cat?- I didn't.
- So why did you shoot him?- Why not?
Help me.
What's wrong with him?
He's got no emotions, sir.
We've turned him intoa dehumanised assassin.
- So what should we do?- May I suggest, sir, run mode.
Oh, oh, there you are, sir.
I fear Mr Listermay be a Polymorph.
That's how he was able to detect theother Polymorphs and kill them.
Why would he be killing them?
Oh, they're known forkilling each other, sir.
That way, there's more foodfor the victor.
We can't trust anyone.
So how can I trust you?
Well, er, how can I trust you?
And how can I trusteither of you?
How many are left?
Mmm, make it six.
Six, yeah, that's right.And he could be one of them.
- I'm not a Polymorph.- Neither am I.
Nor me.
What do we do?Why am I asking you?
Because I'm not a Polymorph,but you might be.
So might you.
Right, how about we go downto the science room
and X-ray each other.That way we can be sure.
Good idea.
After you,after you, after you...
This is a nightmare.
For crying out loud, isn'tthis hard enough already?
Let's get to the science roomand X-ray one another.
Hey, guys! They had metied up, but I got away.
What's happening?
There are six Polymorphs hereand we don't know who's who.
Ah, I'm sure you'll work it out.Catch you later. Ow!
Let's get to the lift.
How did you know who was who?
A mamma always knows her kids.
It's me. Can I come in?
I'm trying to sleep, bud.
Cat, I just wanted to talk to youabout that thing that you're not.
I mean, I know you're not, you knowyou're not, we both know you're not.
- Because I'm not.- Exactly.
But if you were,which you're not,
it wouldn't mean thatyou were a loser,
it wouldn't mean thatyou weren't cool.
It would just mean that youhadn't met the right girl yet.
- But I'm not.- Exactly.
- So no need to have this talk.- Exactly.
- So go away.- I'm gone.
Man, is he annoying.
So damn patronising.
Don't he know a catalways has two homes?
I tried to tell him,but he won't listen.
Hey, it's late.
We keep talking and there ain'tgonna be much time for loving.
This is a dream, isn't it?
But look on the bright side,you haven't woke up yet.
Let's go, pipe me!
♪ It's cold outsidethere's no kind of atmosphere
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
♪ Let me flyfar away from here
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
♪ I want to lie,shipwrecked and comatose
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
♪ Goldfish shoalsnibbling at my toes
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
♪ Fun, fun, fun
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪