Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Back to Earth (Part One) - full transcript
Initiating landing procedure.
Everyone on standby.
Cabin crew, prepare for landing.
Security checks commencing.
All personnel in position. Everyone
returned from the rest room? Check.
All little tables folded away?
ALL: Check.
Seat belts on?
ALL: Check!
Winkers to shut down. Landing
gear down. -Requesting landing line.
Suggest left-hand traffic pattern,
sir, towards that landing light
edifice at the end of the street.
Applying brakes now.
Velocity decreasing.
Revs 2,000 and dwindling.
Pavement in sight.
Landing lights locked.
Standby, we're attempting to stop.
Good luck, everybody.
Handbrake engaging.
Ignition off.
Wow, we made a good landing!
Well done, everyone.
OK, doors to manual. Check.
Disembark in your own time,
gentlemen.
What sort of godforsaken place
is this?
This is worse than Rimmer World.
Get out of town, this is brilliant!
This is just like where I grew up,
except there's less burning cars.
I'll find out where Mr Charles is
from that information droid.
Salutations, fellow droid, sir.
I'm looking for the actor
Craig Charles. Can you direct?
Perhaps it's overheated.
Are you usually that red?
I'm going to place this instrument
into your voice unit
and I want you to say "aah".
Hi, it's me. Where are you?
CRAIG CHARLES: 'In the Rovers, kid.Why?'
-See you in a minute.
Seems to be some sort
of malfunction, sirs.
Good grief!
Vandals have stolen the droid's
entire hard drive and stuffed
envelopes through its voice unit.
What kind of place is this?
Let's ask in the shop.
Let me do the talking, sir.
I've been studying the dialect.
I'll wait outside, guard Carbug.
Earth, man.
INHALES DEEPLY
Smell those chip butties.
Hiya, chuck, pal, love, sir.
We're looking...
I mean, lewk-ing
for granny-grabbing, philandering
taxi driver Lloyd Mullaney,
as played by Craig Charles.
Um...I think he's in the Rovers,
learning his lines.
Is this some sort of joke?
The Rovers?
Well, I'll stand at the bottom
of our stairs and eat a barn cake.
We were just past that,
weren't we, lads?
MANCUNIAN ACCENT: Aye, we were,
weren't we? What a load of numpties.
Get your keks on, lads,
we're sorted. Quality. Mint.
Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir.
See ya. Ta-ra, pet.
Good job, chaps. We were
so authentic it was frightening.
Oi! You'll never guess who I've just
seen. All your mates from Red Dwarf.
They're outside. Serious?
Yeah. They've just landed
in a little spaceship.
It was green. Um...
What's it called?
Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've
got loads of lines to learn. I've go
a massive scene this afternoon.
But I'm serious. I know what I saw.
Even you were there. I was there?
How many have you had?
Well, I've had a couple,
but listen, I've just seen you.
So high, ugly...
It was definitely you.
Hi, guys. What are you doing here?
Ah, Mr Charles, sir.
My name is Kryten.
I am a fictitious character from
the television series Red Dwarf
and we really need your help.
Told you.
You're the only one that can help us,
man.
I've heard about these.
They're called flashbacks.
Flashbacks...
I know you don't exist.
OK, no need to rub it in!
Just give us the address of whoever
created us and we'll jump into
Starbug and be out of here.
Starbug?!
I just told you.
They landed outside the Kabin.
That is OK? We're not going to get
a ticket, are we?
You're not all here.
I know you're not all here.
Er, he's not all here,
but the rest of us are. Yeah.
You see, sir,
we're from an alternate dimension
and we need answers, like,
"How many episodes do we have left?"
Um, I know how many episodes
you've got left.
How many? Er, one.
It's called Back To Earth -
Part Three.
Script due in a couple of days.
RUSTLING
All we need from you
is an address, bud.
We've got to speak to our creator.
And I've got to get
back to the Priory.
I am so glad I'm not him.
The guy's a wreck. He pretends
to be somebody else all day.
That's no way to make a living.
Smeghead.
Visitors, sir.
I'm surprised
you didn't find me sooner.
It's not an easy thing
to find your creator.
And how can he assist you?
We want more life...
smegger!
A series cancellation sequence can't
be revised once it's established.
What about all the loose ends?
Me and Kochanski?
Getting back home?
I grew weary of you.
Does this mean
this is our last episode, sir?
The light that burns twice as bright
burns half as long.
Yeah, but the light that burns half
as bright burns four times as long.
But the light that burns
three-quarters as bright
burns five-eighths as long
as the light that burns a quarter as
bright as the light that's gone out.
(I'd have needed
a calculator for that.)
The point is, gentlemen, you have
all burned so very, very brightly
and for so very, very long.
Just like the red dwarf star itself,
nothing lasts forever.
Not even...
banks.
What about a Kryten spin-off series?
I could be his sidekick. Or a sitcom!
I'd even do a sitcom. Anything...
Anything to stay alive.
What about a show about cats?
That would never work. Look, what you
need is me and Kryten thrown back in
time, like a new kind of Robin Hood.
Each week, he gets captured
and is about to be burnt
at the stake for witchcraft
or just having a stupid head,
and each week I -
in a different new,
brave new way -
rescue him...bravely.
All right, it sucks. Fair enough.
Your deaths will be magnificent.
Sad and beautiful.
The shooting script.
Let me describe it for you.
You try to escape your destiny
and run.
I give chase.
Move out of my way!
Move!
Move! Move! Out of my way!
Sad and beautiful.
Blade Runner is the film
which inspired both your creation
and your death. Gentlemen...
..time to die.
Come here! You'd kill me?!
You're damn right we would. You know
how much you've made me suffer?
The life you created for me,
all those cheap laughs.
All that stuff about
Rachel the inflatable doll.
All the jokes
about my puncture repair kit.
Actually, that bit was funny.
Sorry, carry on.
Did you ever think how I felt?
Start writing.
I save the day. I get a girlfriend
who's gorgeous and crazy about me.
And before you even think of it,
after we've bonked
each other senseless,
she doesn't turn out
to be my long-lost sister. Damn.
How did you know
I was thinking that?
Because I know how you think.
Now write me a happy ending
or we'll take you with us.
You can never win.
Accept it and die well.
If you kill me, you moron,
you'll cease to exist.
Haven't you been following
any of this? Aargh!
I've been dead for ages, man -
just sitting around,
getting old and fat.
I never thought I had
responsibility to anyone.
I never thought there was anyone
out there who was on my side,
who wanted things to work out.
We've got a fan club.
They've even named
a TV station after me.
I was never alone,
I just didn't realise it.
Now I want more life, smegger!
I've killed him.
Well, we shouldn't exist.
All I wanted was a sitcom.
THUD!
A sitcom in a biscuit factory -
is that really too much to ask?
I killed him. How can I kill him?
That's not me. I don't kill people.
You killed him
because he made you kill him, sir.
Kryten, Page 19. "You killed him,
sir, because he made you kill him."
It's all in here. He lied to us
about our deaths on the street.
That was just to throw us off. He
killed us by getting us to kill him
and now we're gonna die too because
there's no-one to keep us alive.
He's right. In fact,
I don't think I feel too well.
Me either. I think I'm gonna...
Check the end, see what happens!
Oh, yeah.
We can write our own end!
Of course! What's written happens.
We're free now.
Hey, man, I feel like a god!
I feel like I've got liquid gold
coursing through every vein in my
body. Hey, we can get out of this.
As long as we've got this,
we control the world.
We can do whatever we want.
I could command my own ship.
I could get Kochanski back.
I could get some new sponges.
How come I didn't get a line?
I just gave you one there.
I knew you'd be smegged off.
I control everything.
So the rest of our loaves can be one
giant hedonistic wash filfulment.
Typos, sorry, guys.
You really think you can write your
wee out of this? Hey, witch me, baby
just witch me. He controls the world.
He can do anything he wants.
I could, if I wanted to, do this.
Lister, stop! That's an order!
Aargh! This is brilliant!
What's he doing?
You've git to hop me stoop him, sir.
Hop me stoop him.
Ow!
This is absolutely awesome.
All right, next step.
Happy ending. Back off, sir.
There's no way we can get to him.
Whoa, whoa! I didn't type that.
Or that.
Hey, I'm not typing this, guys.
What's happened?
Maybe it's not the typewriter
that's controlling our world.
Maybe it's something else.
What is it with these damn things?
Why do I keep making them? Useless.
What actually is it, sir?
There's something inside. Blow.
It looks like a squid.
Why would I be making squids?
That something else that
controls the world, how about
it's our combined subconscious?
Like the time we were ambushed
by the Despair Squid?
On that ocean planet.
That thing that attacked us
years ago.
Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.
Are you saying the creature in the
water tank, the one that inked us,
was another Despair Squid?
Cos I don't feel despair.
I feel...elation, joy.
I've felt great since I got here.
In here, I'm somebody.
It's made me want to live again.
Ssh, footsteps! Do you hear them?
Kochanski!
I can smell her perfume!
I can get her back again -
kids, everything I've ever wanted.
But in the real world, sir,
you'll be dying.
This isn't real. It'll feel real.
Not in your heart.
I've got no option, Krytie.
This is the only chance I've got
of getting her back again.
Miss Kochanski's not dead, sir.
Those kids were right?!
I-I-I lied to you, sir.
She dumped you.
I was trying to protect you.
She's out there somewhere.
She's in here somewhere as well.
In fact she's right behind that door.
In this world, she loves me.
In fact, in this world, she's gonna
love me until the moment I die.
She's not real. Nobody's perfect.
Look, I'm becoming transparent.
I'm returning to reality.
Me too. Sir!
I've got to stay.
What the hell happened there?
I need diagrams and pointy arrows.
Best guess,
our natural defences fought back.
Our previous encounter
with the creature must have
strengthened our antibodies.
Which gave us the option
to choose between realities.
This one or the one that started
when Kremlin Kate showed up.
What if monkey boy
chooses not to fight this?
Then he won't be coming out.
'I've gotta stay.'
It seems you're undecided about
which reality you wish to live in.
I'm mulling it over.
Would you mind if
I asked you a question?
Shoot.
In your dreams, did you kiss me?
Was it good?
I never wanted to wake up.
Then don't.
Where are you going?
I have to leave and get you back.
The real me?
You'll never get me.
I'm way out of your league!
I thought that, too, but I was wrong.
You were right.
Nah, I'm pretty cool.
I don't take any smeg.
And even though I'm disgusting,
sometimes I can be quite brave.
You'll never get me. Yeah...
I will.
I mean, explain this -
how can me getting everything I've
ever wanted be caused by despair ink?
Analysis of the creature, sir,
suggests it's a female.
Male squid, female squid -
what's the difference?
Females can do ten squidy things
at once, but not so good
at reversing round rocks?
The male defence system
is an ink that produces despair.
It seems that the female ink
causes the opposite.
What? It gives you joy?
That's like attacking something
that retaliates by giving you
an Indian head massage or an
aromatherapy luxury nail treatment.
What kind of crazy
defence mechanism is that?
It's an ingenious one, sir,
because it means
you stop attacking it. Yeah.
And while you're all happy-clappy,
she scarpers, right?
Precisely, sir.
How did she get on board?
I kinda brought her.
Years ago, from that ocean planet.
# I'm gonna eat you, little fishy
# Cos I like little fish. #
Then she escaped.
I knew you guys would get mad
so I didn't say nothing.
Boy, has she grown.
So what's gonna happen to her?
I'm thinking sushi-time.
I'm thinking we drop her off
at the nearest ocean moon -
make some happy sea life.
What's gonna happen to
everybody in the reality we left -
the guys all watching us on TV?
They'll continue
to exist as a consequence
of us creating them
in our hallucination, sir.
It's quantum mechanics.
Every decision that's made
creates a new universe,
as do all dreams
and hallucinations.
It's multiverse 101.
But those sad suckers will
live out the rest of their lives
convinced they're the real ones
and we're characters from a TV show.
And if you told them the truth,
you know what they'd probably do?
Laugh. Yeah.
They probably would.
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie
# Shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Everyone on standby.
Cabin crew, prepare for landing.
Security checks commencing.
All personnel in position. Everyone
returned from the rest room? Check.
All little tables folded away?
ALL: Check.
Seat belts on?
ALL: Check!
Winkers to shut down. Landing
gear down. -Requesting landing line.
Suggest left-hand traffic pattern,
sir, towards that landing light
edifice at the end of the street.
Applying brakes now.
Velocity decreasing.
Revs 2,000 and dwindling.
Pavement in sight.
Landing lights locked.
Standby, we're attempting to stop.
Good luck, everybody.
Handbrake engaging.
Ignition off.
Wow, we made a good landing!
Well done, everyone.
OK, doors to manual. Check.
Disembark in your own time,
gentlemen.
What sort of godforsaken place
is this?
This is worse than Rimmer World.
Get out of town, this is brilliant!
This is just like where I grew up,
except there's less burning cars.
I'll find out where Mr Charles is
from that information droid.
Salutations, fellow droid, sir.
I'm looking for the actor
Craig Charles. Can you direct?
Perhaps it's overheated.
Are you usually that red?
I'm going to place this instrument
into your voice unit
and I want you to say "aah".
Hi, it's me. Where are you?
CRAIG CHARLES: 'In the Rovers, kid.Why?'
-See you in a minute.
Seems to be some sort
of malfunction, sirs.
Good grief!
Vandals have stolen the droid's
entire hard drive and stuffed
envelopes through its voice unit.
What kind of place is this?
Let's ask in the shop.
Let me do the talking, sir.
I've been studying the dialect.
I'll wait outside, guard Carbug.
Earth, man.
INHALES DEEPLY
Smell those chip butties.
Hiya, chuck, pal, love, sir.
We're looking...
I mean, lewk-ing
for granny-grabbing, philandering
taxi driver Lloyd Mullaney,
as played by Craig Charles.
Um...I think he's in the Rovers,
learning his lines.
Is this some sort of joke?
The Rovers?
Well, I'll stand at the bottom
of our stairs and eat a barn cake.
We were just past that,
weren't we, lads?
MANCUNIAN ACCENT: Aye, we were,
weren't we? What a load of numpties.
Get your keks on, lads,
we're sorted. Quality. Mint.
Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir.
See ya. Ta-ra, pet.
Good job, chaps. We were
so authentic it was frightening.
Oi! You'll never guess who I've just
seen. All your mates from Red Dwarf.
They're outside. Serious?
Yeah. They've just landed
in a little spaceship.
It was green. Um...
What's it called?
Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've
got loads of lines to learn. I've go
a massive scene this afternoon.
But I'm serious. I know what I saw.
Even you were there. I was there?
How many have you had?
Well, I've had a couple,
but listen, I've just seen you.
So high, ugly...
It was definitely you.
Hi, guys. What are you doing here?
Ah, Mr Charles, sir.
My name is Kryten.
I am a fictitious character from
the television series Red Dwarf
and we really need your help.
Told you.
You're the only one that can help us,
man.
I've heard about these.
They're called flashbacks.
Flashbacks...
I know you don't exist.
OK, no need to rub it in!
Just give us the address of whoever
created us and we'll jump into
Starbug and be out of here.
Starbug?!
I just told you.
They landed outside the Kabin.
That is OK? We're not going to get
a ticket, are we?
You're not all here.
I know you're not all here.
Er, he's not all here,
but the rest of us are. Yeah.
You see, sir,
we're from an alternate dimension
and we need answers, like,
"How many episodes do we have left?"
Um, I know how many episodes
you've got left.
How many? Er, one.
It's called Back To Earth -
Part Three.
Script due in a couple of days.
RUSTLING
All we need from you
is an address, bud.
We've got to speak to our creator.
And I've got to get
back to the Priory.
I am so glad I'm not him.
The guy's a wreck. He pretends
to be somebody else all day.
That's no way to make a living.
Smeghead.
Visitors, sir.
I'm surprised
you didn't find me sooner.
It's not an easy thing
to find your creator.
And how can he assist you?
We want more life...
smegger!
A series cancellation sequence can't
be revised once it's established.
What about all the loose ends?
Me and Kochanski?
Getting back home?
I grew weary of you.
Does this mean
this is our last episode, sir?
The light that burns twice as bright
burns half as long.
Yeah, but the light that burns half
as bright burns four times as long.
But the light that burns
three-quarters as bright
burns five-eighths as long
as the light that burns a quarter as
bright as the light that's gone out.
(I'd have needed
a calculator for that.)
The point is, gentlemen, you have
all burned so very, very brightly
and for so very, very long.
Just like the red dwarf star itself,
nothing lasts forever.
Not even...
banks.
What about a Kryten spin-off series?
I could be his sidekick. Or a sitcom!
I'd even do a sitcom. Anything...
Anything to stay alive.
What about a show about cats?
That would never work. Look, what you
need is me and Kryten thrown back in
time, like a new kind of Robin Hood.
Each week, he gets captured
and is about to be burnt
at the stake for witchcraft
or just having a stupid head,
and each week I -
in a different new,
brave new way -
rescue him...bravely.
All right, it sucks. Fair enough.
Your deaths will be magnificent.
Sad and beautiful.
The shooting script.
Let me describe it for you.
You try to escape your destiny
and run.
I give chase.
Move out of my way!
Move!
Move! Move! Out of my way!
Sad and beautiful.
Blade Runner is the film
which inspired both your creation
and your death. Gentlemen...
..time to die.
Come here! You'd kill me?!
You're damn right we would. You know
how much you've made me suffer?
The life you created for me,
all those cheap laughs.
All that stuff about
Rachel the inflatable doll.
All the jokes
about my puncture repair kit.
Actually, that bit was funny.
Sorry, carry on.
Did you ever think how I felt?
Start writing.
I save the day. I get a girlfriend
who's gorgeous and crazy about me.
And before you even think of it,
after we've bonked
each other senseless,
she doesn't turn out
to be my long-lost sister. Damn.
How did you know
I was thinking that?
Because I know how you think.
Now write me a happy ending
or we'll take you with us.
You can never win.
Accept it and die well.
If you kill me, you moron,
you'll cease to exist.
Haven't you been following
any of this? Aargh!
I've been dead for ages, man -
just sitting around,
getting old and fat.
I never thought I had
responsibility to anyone.
I never thought there was anyone
out there who was on my side,
who wanted things to work out.
We've got a fan club.
They've even named
a TV station after me.
I was never alone,
I just didn't realise it.
Now I want more life, smegger!
I've killed him.
Well, we shouldn't exist.
All I wanted was a sitcom.
THUD!
A sitcom in a biscuit factory -
is that really too much to ask?
I killed him. How can I kill him?
That's not me. I don't kill people.
You killed him
because he made you kill him, sir.
Kryten, Page 19. "You killed him,
sir, because he made you kill him."
It's all in here. He lied to us
about our deaths on the street.
That was just to throw us off. He
killed us by getting us to kill him
and now we're gonna die too because
there's no-one to keep us alive.
He's right. In fact,
I don't think I feel too well.
Me either. I think I'm gonna...
Check the end, see what happens!
Oh, yeah.
We can write our own end!
Of course! What's written happens.
We're free now.
Hey, man, I feel like a god!
I feel like I've got liquid gold
coursing through every vein in my
body. Hey, we can get out of this.
As long as we've got this,
we control the world.
We can do whatever we want.
I could command my own ship.
I could get Kochanski back.
I could get some new sponges.
How come I didn't get a line?
I just gave you one there.
I knew you'd be smegged off.
I control everything.
So the rest of our loaves can be one
giant hedonistic wash filfulment.
Typos, sorry, guys.
You really think you can write your
wee out of this? Hey, witch me, baby
just witch me. He controls the world.
He can do anything he wants.
I could, if I wanted to, do this.
Lister, stop! That's an order!
Aargh! This is brilliant!
What's he doing?
You've git to hop me stoop him, sir.
Hop me stoop him.
Ow!
This is absolutely awesome.
All right, next step.
Happy ending. Back off, sir.
There's no way we can get to him.
Whoa, whoa! I didn't type that.
Or that.
Hey, I'm not typing this, guys.
What's happened?
Maybe it's not the typewriter
that's controlling our world.
Maybe it's something else.
What is it with these damn things?
Why do I keep making them? Useless.
What actually is it, sir?
There's something inside. Blow.
It looks like a squid.
Why would I be making squids?
That something else that
controls the world, how about
it's our combined subconscious?
Like the time we were ambushed
by the Despair Squid?
On that ocean planet.
That thing that attacked us
years ago.
Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.
Are you saying the creature in the
water tank, the one that inked us,
was another Despair Squid?
Cos I don't feel despair.
I feel...elation, joy.
I've felt great since I got here.
In here, I'm somebody.
It's made me want to live again.
Ssh, footsteps! Do you hear them?
Kochanski!
I can smell her perfume!
I can get her back again -
kids, everything I've ever wanted.
But in the real world, sir,
you'll be dying.
This isn't real. It'll feel real.
Not in your heart.
I've got no option, Krytie.
This is the only chance I've got
of getting her back again.
Miss Kochanski's not dead, sir.
Those kids were right?!
I-I-I lied to you, sir.
She dumped you.
I was trying to protect you.
She's out there somewhere.
She's in here somewhere as well.
In fact she's right behind that door.
In this world, she loves me.
In fact, in this world, she's gonna
love me until the moment I die.
She's not real. Nobody's perfect.
Look, I'm becoming transparent.
I'm returning to reality.
Me too. Sir!
I've got to stay.
What the hell happened there?
I need diagrams and pointy arrows.
Best guess,
our natural defences fought back.
Our previous encounter
with the creature must have
strengthened our antibodies.
Which gave us the option
to choose between realities.
This one or the one that started
when Kremlin Kate showed up.
What if monkey boy
chooses not to fight this?
Then he won't be coming out.
'I've gotta stay.'
It seems you're undecided about
which reality you wish to live in.
I'm mulling it over.
Would you mind if
I asked you a question?
Shoot.
In your dreams, did you kiss me?
Was it good?
I never wanted to wake up.
Then don't.
Where are you going?
I have to leave and get you back.
The real me?
You'll never get me.
I'm way out of your league!
I thought that, too, but I was wrong.
You were right.
Nah, I'm pretty cool.
I don't take any smeg.
And even though I'm disgusting,
sometimes I can be quite brave.
You'll never get me. Yeah...
I will.
I mean, explain this -
how can me getting everything I've
ever wanted be caused by despair ink?
Analysis of the creature, sir,
suggests it's a female.
Male squid, female squid -
what's the difference?
Females can do ten squidy things
at once, but not so good
at reversing round rocks?
The male defence system
is an ink that produces despair.
It seems that the female ink
causes the opposite.
What? It gives you joy?
That's like attacking something
that retaliates by giving you
an Indian head massage or an
aromatherapy luxury nail treatment.
What kind of crazy
defence mechanism is that?
It's an ingenious one, sir,
because it means
you stop attacking it. Yeah.
And while you're all happy-clappy,
she scarpers, right?
Precisely, sir.
How did she get on board?
I kinda brought her.
Years ago, from that ocean planet.
# I'm gonna eat you, little fishy
# Cos I like little fish. #
Then she escaped.
I knew you guys would get mad
so I didn't say nothing.
Boy, has she grown.
So what's gonna happen to her?
I'm thinking sushi-time.
I'm thinking we drop her off
at the nearest ocean moon -
make some happy sea life.
What's gonna happen to
everybody in the reality we left -
the guys all watching us on TV?
They'll continue
to exist as a consequence
of us creating them
in our hallucination, sir.
It's quantum mechanics.
Every decision that's made
creates a new universe,
as do all dreams
and hallucinations.
It's multiverse 101.
But those sad suckers will
live out the rest of their lives
convinced they're the real ones
and we're characters from a TV show.
And if you told them the truth,
you know what they'd probably do?
Laugh. Yeah.
They probably would.
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie
# Shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun. #
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